Narcissistic Parents: Basic Things They Got WRONG About Parenting

In this video, I discuss the odd things narcissistic parents got wrong about parenting.
Learning about these will help you understand how abnormal your parents' behavior was and aid you in your self-differentiation journey, allowing you to stop repeating these patterns and finally break the cycle.
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Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC, has helped 10,000s of people heal from family dysfunction and become the true self they were never allowed to be. As a family systems and self-differentiation coach, he leverages 45 years of experience to help clients permanently break free from family-of-origin dysfunction, cultivate healthy relationships, and build a strong sense of self.
***DISCLAIMER: THIS VIDEO IS NOT INTENDED TO SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL COUNSELING. BE SURE TO CONSULT A PROFESSIONAL TO HELP YOU INTEGRATE AND UTILIZE THESE CONCEPTS.***

[@jerrywise]

Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇 Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027 ‘Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their lives! www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self

[@jeffreyjackson5229]

Here's an insight that I got during my reflection: They would rather control you than love you. Let that sink in.

[@annemurphy8074]

They remind me of rabid dogs. They can't do anything but lash out and be horrible. They are completely trapped in their ego and conditioning. They are completely trapped in their mind's twisted perceptions and don't have a clue about it. That is really scary. It's like being totally possessed. That means there is no choices, no free will, no change, unless and until a light bulb goes off in their minds and enough awareness comes in for that to happen.

[@julieann777]

OH MY GOSH, SO TRUE!!! I never thought of that before. Control and power is all they want. They never loved us. It is all transactional and to benefit them only. Incredibly sad. How can a person not love their own child??? That blows my mind.

[@katiefrankie6]

We must be siblings!!!! Because that is my dad’s MO.

[@pjwolf-wiemers]

😢

[@malwads1836]

Not only that but they'd rather DESTROY their children than love them🥶.

[@mariadaquila7587]

As a child, I learned not to share negative feelings with my parents because they would just relay them to other family members, thereby by making the problem worse.

[@joseenoel8093]

It never crossed my mind... I was even molested by a teacher who'd screwed my older sis when she was in gr.8, when bro told me this I said thank you and told him how that teacher molested me while I was in gr. 6, I never told anyone but him and this 40 yrs later, I thought it hilarious because I was flat as a board, he stood behind me, big weight 🏋 lifting Mr. Barbados, it didn't occur to me that no one would believe me it was simply more of a whom I gonna tell?

[@amarbyrd2520]

NParents cannot keep secrets. Do not trust them with anything. If you achieve something they want to brag about because "MY child" -- be prepared for people you've never met before to resent you and be irritated with you. If it's a terrible thing -- they will tell their friends about your embarrassing medical conditions whether you wanted those friends to know or not; and the NParents MAY sympathize with you OR they may laugh in your face (my father started the latter at age 10 for me) -- but they will most certainly NOT help you find a way to assuage or solve the problem, because they are THREATENED by your progress. Keep your celebrations to yourself; find other people who will celebrate with you unreservedly and unconditionally and applaud you for your real talents you appreciate about yourself. Whew. Didn't mean to spill all that out, but all of it is lived experience, so please take what's useful.

[@DrmCom2003]

Yeah I don't miss that either.

[@Peaceinmytime]

She’d go complain to my dad, and next thing I know he’s in my room red-faced yelling at me over something I thought was resolved.

[@AprilMears-j7q]

Ditto!! ❤❤❤

[@jeffreyjackson5229]

What gets me is that these are actually our parents doing this to us. Our parents. The guardian, the protector, the guide, the advisor, the example, the mentor, the confidant?

[@amarbyrd2520]

It's incredibly traumatizing. And worse -- a whole lot of people in the world will make excuses for them, refuse to acknowledge what you're saying, and blame US for "being ungrateful". It's horrible.

[@julieann777]

It is so sad and beyond horrible. 😭

[@TrevorHamberger]

That's what I always say about it.

[@babsbunny_]

The only good thing from it is I’m the opposite type of parent to my son, my parents taught me how NOT to treat him.

[@gem7078]

@@babsbunny_same

[@heatherwenzel6886]

Number 4, they lack empathy for their child’s experience because they didn’t have the same, and they chide you for not knowing how to figure things out. Story of my life…

[@EricNorthman-h2f]

The way you know they don't see you as a person. They don't have any boundaries with you ! You're feelings are NEVER recognized. Mine weren't EVER. Both parents gone now and I don't care. Their damage as hard as I try to negate it seems to be stuck on me forever..

[@northstar5919]

Whatever you say you feel they say they feel it more. So its a competition, they win you lose.

[@WhitemenaresoSexy]

The impact is a life sentence

[@dameanvil]

0:35 🛑 Narcissistic families demand respect instead of earning it. 1:14 🎓 Parental guidance should be developmentally appropriate, not authoritarian. 2:05 📡 Narcissistic parents influence the entire family dynamic. 2:44 🥇 Narcissists prioritize their needs over their children’s. 3:15 🎭 Narcissistic parents use love and approval as manipulation tools. 3:32 💔 Lack of empathy from narcissistic parents leads to children's loneliness. 4:19 🎉 Narcissistic parents often ignore or downplay their children's achievements. 5:06 🏆 They foster competition among siblings instead of support. 5:37 🚫 Narcissistic parents ignore healthy boundaries, leading to enmeshment. 6:09 💬 They criticize more than they support, damaging self-esteem. 6:40 🔄 Narcissistic parents project their unfulfilled dreams onto their children. 7:24 😶 They suppress their children's negative emotions and dissenting opinions. 9:27 🪞 Importance of self-celebration and reducing self-criticism. 10:24 🌟 Allowing oneself to express negative emotions and dissenting opinions. 12:23 🌈 It's never too late to reparent yourself and heal from past wounds.

[@decipher8057]

Respect is earned. They won't receive any from me as it was not earned.

[@ashton1952]

It's the kind of thing they say to you in the discard phase 😒

[@amberv4223]

❤

[@julieann777]

I wholeheartedly agree.

[@user-sj9lm1dt2h]

Thank you for saying that❤

[@malwads1836]

Exactly....& the only thing we actually owe others is basic reciprocation whether they were caring or uncaring, nobody should be given special treatment no matter WHO they are.

[@taliajournee212]

Triangulation, I feel this needs to be talked about more. I find either the siblings get along as children then not as adults OR they didn't get along as children then get along as adults or they break apart when adults. Then the parents, usually the mother acts surprised. It's shocking to me that someone can become a parent and project such horrible practices, behaviors and processes onto children then act shocked when they grow up and hold up a mirror. I criticize myself more than support, did not realize how bad it was until my early 30s, accepting lower pay and doing great work that was mostly unappreciated. Now in my late 30s still working on these things. Having Narc parents really messes you up and wastes your time.

[@Agameda1]

Early 60s for me 🙄

[@aleksandrakrivokuca64]

Triangulation also in the way narc mum -child-father. I lost 10yrs of my life hating my dear father cause of her emotional incest,she was telling me how and when he cheated her and then she would expect from me and my sister to hide her cheating our father. She never lost the opportunity to remind us how much she love us and how we are the most important persons in her life and how she would do anything for us.

[@northstar5919]

They are shocked because they are not aware of themselves.

[@keithstewart7514]

I knew @ 3 years old that I wasn't part of their loving family CULT. Six decades later isn't any BETTER.

[@elcuencodelafelicidad]

Everything.They got everything wrong.

[@victornyamu2547]

It surprises me when I look at small kids now..to think that it never mattered at all, all the criticism, the manipulation, all they had to to was love an innocent child as the child grew up. They never had to do any of what they did. And they chose to every day .

[@jeankipper6954]

I was so relieved when I heard that mom was dead, some 18 years ago. I felt safe for the first time in my life. And I learned earlier this year that dad died about 14 years ago. Equal relief. This should not be true. But it is.

[@Ann-eb8dp]

I felt the same

[@dutchymon]

Some things are better left unsaid.

[@irenabledowska5746]

I disagree with the previous comment (some things are better left unsaid). If you name something, even your emotions, frankly, it's a way of talking control. The opposite is sweeping under the carpet. Never done anyone any good. Better to stand in the truth, no matter how painful or embarrassing.

[@dutchymon]

@@irenabledowska5746 De mortuis nil nisi bonum, is always a good rule to live by.

[@michelemiktus2312]

You are not alone, my father died 34 yrs ago and it was nothing but relief. W/time, I was able to let go of the anger and hurt. Somethings I even understand. My 87 yr old mother is still alive. Chances are high I will die before her, so I won’t even be able to die in peace. If she does die before me, not even sure if I would go to the funeral or burial. Just to be free of her would be such a relief. Have a SIL who swears I’ll miss her when she’s gone. Nope, not at all.

[@mari-liisk.6377]

One thing that has recently come to mind concerning my childhood is that whenever there was a stressful event of some sorts - a test, a performance etc - other children would want their parents to accompany them and to be there to provide them support and reassurance. But I didn’t want that. I always felt more at ease if I knew there was no-one judging me and assessing my performance from the crowd. Quite remarkable really - strangers didn’t bother me, but the fact that a close family member would meticulously scrutinize whatever I did and provide criticism about it later was what made me so anxious…

[@user-sj9lm1dt2h]

I was a quiet child because I knew that everything i say was used against me. 😢

[@elenazenzolo6689]

Yes, Jerry, it is affecting the entire family, and not the single person. Just like drugs: we all pay for somebody's so called 'mistake'. We can't move on: narcissistic parents see us like servants, objects in their hands. Great video

[@Denise-y2c]

Yes, servants , robots.

[@blue.5058]

This is the case with my parents. I had a stoke a month ago and both my parents made it about THEM (particularly my father, who is a full-blown narc). My father even told my wife that he “ didn’t care if I lived or if I died” because it was how HE felt rather than my medical event. No sympathy, no willingness to help, only how THEY felt. As a result, I speak to neither of them. My childhood dealing with what they caused (many of the points in the video apply), I don’t have to deal with any of it now.

[@Gemmarose9012]

I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through, and I wish you peace and complete healing. For you, and for us all. ❤

[@stupensardi2783]

I am so sorry to hear you had a stroke. When my husband had a stroke his narcissistic mother said " Well I am not going to make it easy on Stewart". I thought that was the strangest thing to say as a mother to her son. What is easy about having a stroke 😮😢. I wish you a good recovery and a happy future. All the best. ❣️💪👍❣️🤗

[@dianetyler1802]

A full recovery is my hope for you

[@stitchinginthebarn8307]

I wonder how many adult children, and children, of narcissistic parents have strokes. My husband, who has emotionally immature parents at minimum, had one six years ago, at 45, and when they asked him if he had ever felt this way before he recalled a time as a child of about 12. His brother was with him at the time so he was able to tell them how old he was. After the MRI, it was found he had a lot of areas of damage in his brain from mini strokes. His stroke was due to high blood pressure but his anxiety has never lessened and he cannot acknowledge the abuse his parents did to him, yet. Please pray for us.

[@blue.5058]

@@stitchinginthebarn8307 You know, I wouldn’t be surprised if the stress caused by narcissist parents over the years caused him to have his strokes later on. It might’ve been the case with me and both parents who were complete narcissists.

[@julieann777]

My parents successfully did all of these things to me in their parenting. When I was praying today I was thanking God for my blessings including for my beloved late Grandmother and my beloved Great Aunt as well as for my husband and my doggies. I honestly was thinking at that time I cannot think of one good thing about my narcissistic parents!! How sad is that? I was thinking that if I never see them again that is okay. God has given me the ability to forgive them and to pray for them that they will repent and that God can change their hearts and their evil narcissistic ways. I do not know if that will ever happen but I still ask God to forgive them and give them mercy. I love your advice about learning to parent your inner child. Thank you Jerry. ❤

[@DHW256]

_"Respect is not earned, it's demanded."_ Jerry, this particular video sums our situation with Mom! She poisoned every relationship, and she cultivated the toxic patterns in her own children, especially her golden children.

[@julieann777]

My story is the same.

[@denisem4575]

So on point today Jerry, as usual! Explains why at 60 yrs old I never knew who I was or what I wanted in life. Always had to be as smart as my brother & as quiet as my sister. Never was allowed to have a voice. My mom always treated my children, her grandchildren, just like me. My son , who’s 30, became a dentist & purchased a Dental practice 6 months ago. Now they have something to brag about 🙄. Long story, but they just found out a month ago. I’ve been no contact but had to speak to them because a death in the family. Sad, but so true, they wanted me to tell him how proud they are of him. I was like sad that you have no relationship with your grandson that you can’t call him yourself & tell him. I stay in limited contact with an aunt(my mom’s sister & flying monkey). She called me on my birthday & proceeded to ohh & awe about my son & him purchasing the practice. Obviously, my mom had something to brag about & didn’t waste time. Can’t tell you how my mom treated my son when he was young (he was full of life & wasn’t a lump on a log). She made him feel like an annoyance to her. I could go on & on but I’ll refrain from doing so🤣. Can you tell this video triggered me today Jerry? 😂 Thanks again for a wonderful video 💛

[@maximilianede8216]

Wow, Denise! We're the same age, I'm the scapegoat, with a brother and a sister. My NM and siblings are a group and I had to finally go no contact since 2021. My 31 year old son is very successful. I have one contact to an aunt of mine. Here is why I'm still struggeling very much. There are still a lot of narcissists in my life unfortunately. My parents in law were narcs and I had hell on earth with them. They've both deceased. My husb. has got narc. traits and needs to be more popular than me everywhere, which is awful! With the help of Jerry, I'm slowly healing and I can see things clearly now, which helps a lot! Anyway, I can't seem to find healthy friends?! Is it because I never valued myself, I lived with a pseudoself and was/am a people pleaser? I'm a bit like invisible. It starts getting a bit too much for me and I feel so heartbroken! I have a degree, I am a psychologist but meanwhile I'm too exhausted to work. I was always 100% there for the patients. I feel so dependent. The others (family, husband) seem to "win" all the time. People can't look through the narcissistic patterns!? I'm running on empty. Sad, sad subject.

[@denisem4575]

@@maximilianede8216 Don’t give up. Your story is similar to mine. I think most scapegoats are “people pleasers”. I certainly was one. Finding out 5 yrs ago what I was going through was life changing. I 1st stumbled upon a Dr. Ramani video & that started my journey. I then found Dr. Les Carter & then Jay Reid. Jay focuses on scapegoat survivors & his videos are very informative & helpful. I still watch Dr. Carter & Dr. Ramani but Jerry’s & Jay’s videos zero in more of what I deal with. If you’re not already watching them give them a try. All the best with your journey & remember you’re not alone.

[@gurubhaikhalsa9337]

​@maximilianede8216 I felt invisible too. Ironically, what helped me initially was playing the game better than they did! I puffed up my chest with self-importance and groundedness until it sunk in. I also adopted the condescending retort, the veiled ridicule, and the superior judgement from on high (keeping it short, sweeping, and final!), with the dramatic exit that broached no rebuttal. Really, when you think about it, we've studied acting for years! Good luck in the future, go forth and win an Oscar ❤

[@maximilianede8216]

@@gurubhaikhalsa9337 this has to sink in! I need to think that over! Thank you so much! And all the best to you!

[@DrmCom2003]

I just learned that anything with my family was a game of control. Sadly for many relationships that also seems to be the case.

[@lauragadille3384]

I've learned never tell your parents anything and everything that includes the flying monkeys in the family

[@jeffreyjackson5229]

You are truly a blessing. Keep up the good work. You are helping to heal people.

[@jerrywise]

Thank you kindly!🤎

[@RonSafreed]

IF A NARCISSISTIC PARENT/PARENTS DON'T 100% CONTROL, THEY CAN BE LIKE "I DON'T CARE" & LET THE KID/KIDS TO WANDER IN LIFE TO FIGURE THINGS OUT THEMSELVES, MAKE BETTER MEN/WOMEN OUT OF THEM, ACCORDING TO THE NARCISSIST!!

[@gurubhaikhalsa9337]

So true, my situation exactly!

[@Michelle_9_27]

This video really hit hard . Everything is right on. My mom & dad both would take turns sabotaging everything I did, everything I wanted to celebrate, holidays were made to make sure I felt crappy about what I looked like. My dad would compliment each of my siblings about their hair or clothing & pass me up without a word. I am so hard on myself & definitely follow the same pattern. I definitely need help. I’m even seeing & finding out things with my 89 yr old aunt I’m soley taking care of. I just found out today that she gave my dad & brother a huge lump sum of money . They have done nothing to help her over the years - nothing! I feel like such an idiot .

[@katiefrankie6]

Never feel like your compassion and kindness are weaknesses or that you are stupid. Your goodness is yours to cherish, regardless of how others take advantage of it. It’s okay to feel betrayal or disappointment or even anger because you are being misused. But please don’t demean yourself for your good qualities.

[@Michelle_9_27]

@@katiefrankie6thanks you. I feel like an idiot to believe my aunt was different . I was hoping . She’s only using me. We have been here in this house for 24 yrs. Not once did she visit - ever . Did not come to my wedding. She’s my Godmother & did send me a card every year. But reality set in today when I saw the whole picture. She would visit my brothers, my dads, my cousins, but never mine. But now she’s here because she needed me. No one would take her .

[@Ann-eb8dp]

Well perhaps she should earn you not just take you for gtanted

[@Michelle_9_27]

@@Ann-eb8dpI believe you are right. A nursing home or outside care giver would be paid. Part of what I found out is that she gave my dad & brother a lot of money a few years ago. Left her with enough to survive. The hard part is going to be getting them to hand over the money to make payment - especially if they know it’s for me. Everyone feels entitled when they have not done a darn thing to help through the years.

[@katiefrankie6]

@@Michelle_9_27It really stinks when our better natures are confronted with the reality of others’ nastiness. I agree with the other poster - caregivers at an institution or privately hired would be paid! I hope you are buoyed up with positive people in your life who recognize your character and kindness.

[@yamlwoz]

I wasn't even allowed facial expressions. Had to keep very neutral. Even happiness had to be kept lower than what they thought of as pride. No wonder I'm now bent and crippled with back pain.

[@DonnieBrook69]

Holy shit, are you my sibling? Sometimes I can't stand to look at her when she's blatantly gaslighting me, and I get "see, now you look away, you won't even look at me!"

[@yamlwoz]

@@DonnieBrook69 yup, we could be! My mother can't look me in the face. I like to think it's guilt 🤣 Even when she's talking to me, she faces my husband. She loves him!

[@rogerbartlet5720]

As a young teenager I was dragged to my mothers therapist and the therapist asked me why I was "so angry". I drew a blank, then after a bit I called my mother a liar, backstabber and hypocrite. I had no respect for her but couldn't stand her - I later realized this woman, in the eyes of me as a child, had destroyed my family by divorcing my father. Then I was bombarded by her, and her family with negative messages about having children. But in my mothers eyes, all my problems were rooted in the relationship with my father, who did not have custody. He appeared to want to put his mess of a marriage & divorce behind him as quickly as possible and I saw him less and less. The aforementioned evaluation, mentioned earlier, of my mothers character was never addressed in these sessions and the diagnosis evolved from me having problems to my mother being a victim of my problems. I was isolated , scapegoated and counted the days down to my 18th birthday when I could get out of that house.

[@jeankipper6954]

It was not always horrible. Never knew who was coming through the door. Apparently intermittent abuse is considered really crazy making. On top of all Jerry says.

[@hiloknowsall7462]

Intermittent/ random reinforcement schedules are the most powerful - they weaponise the good times though too- indeed, while most of the times we’re not good the good times were IME always “peak” experiences…complete undermine of what’s even real. Constant emotional whiplash….to children this behaviour is unforgivable- because it is completely non-consensual, abusive and rewires / programs the nervous system in profoundly negative ways that frequently last a life time. Child abuse and sovereignty of the family that our society loves (all parents get a free pass on abuse this way)- cue the people saying they love you - it can’t have been that bad - or they seem so nice - etc etc. blood is thicker than water bs go in my gratitude journal. Not because of their invalidations and disbelief but because what we experienced was so Fupped I’m simply grateful that they didn’t have the home life we did. ❤️

[@bereal6590]

Personally I think this is the worst. Growing up there is the belief that if you do x,y and z things will be good. In truth it's random based on how they feel. My mother could swing from smiley to cold as ice depending on how it's reacted or what I was doing. My father just did whatever he wanted based on his own feelings. If they'd been consistently bad, I'd not have been stuck in it staying loyal and as confused as hell. No amount of toys or money makes up for being tormented and scared of a parent.

[@jeffreyjackson5229]

My father was the achievement blaster. My mom was the achievement user. Meaning, the financial benefits that come with me being college graduate must be shared with her or be available to her when she has a need.

[@tspencer661]

Jerry, I am shocked about your ability to quote my mother exactly. I think this is the third video of yours that made me think, “How was this man able to record my mom’s exact words and repeat them for one of his videos?” Verbatim.😳 I am definitely going to investigate the book you mentioned. It sounds interesting. Keep making the great content. It is greatly needed.

[@bridgettetraveler658]

In that strange place I grew up in we didn't talk to each other much. I didn't talk to my parents much because they didn't have anything good to say to me. It was full of negativity & a toxic environment. I started going very little contact with my DNA relatives over 30 yrs ago. I don't have much of anything to say to them. I realized yrs ago I didn't miss what I never really had!!!

[@t_nels]

Experiences? I don't recall a lot but I hear about it. This might be how one adopts a false self.

[@RelaxationMusic1611]

As a child, I was learning from the first time I faced something, so when I saw that my parrents have intentions to laugh at me and trying overwrite my emotions, thaughts and impressions about our family or about places that they could bring me (that was not places I wanted to be) I stopped sharing them to save them genuine. And I lived in a very sad reality. Here we are going to boring place because no money needed there, here my parrents don't love each other but just playing survival games how to make another one do more stuff than them, here they are leaving 3 years old child to babysit 1 year old child and calling that ,,they are playing together,, etc. And they have no idea why I developed stoic mindset, living with no joy and with fatigue because I used to be exhausted all the time from constant mental and physical tiredness, so I make myself tired with anything I can find, just not to think about how bad the mood in the family is.

[@joseenoel8093]

When asked why they married it was 1) It got your dad out of the Navy but I lied I was pregnant... 2) it's what we did in those days.... So that's the end of that! 😮

[@jochandler1180]

This is absolutely brilliant! At 60 I am only just realising what has gone on …. For me it was the hoover… a particular way of hoovering hitting the doors was a sign that “something was up” and just waiting to see what… and trying to fix it all and settle her moods…. The tension and trepidation was so intense 😢 And the enmeshing… omg I so see it now … Thanks 🙏

[@NicholasTaylor-y4v]

The A+ and B+ example- that happened to me. Got my first B+ ever in 4th grade. My mom said I was going to pump gas for the rest of my life.

[@pigeonhawk4832]

This pretty much sums up my toxic family of origin. Actually it was from m my mother's side of the family that was like this Hell on Earth to gow up in such an environment

[@fifilafleur5555]

My dad’s much younger (13 years younger than my dad) narc wife **demanded** that my brother & I respect her. She was just a kid giving orders to my brother & I. We were 16 & 17 at the time. My dad is a narcissist also. Together they caused tremendous harm with their coercive control. The verbal & physical abuse by these two was horrible as well. They were (and still are) quite the duo. I have distanced myself and am “no contact” with his wife and “ low contact” with my dad. They have caused tremendous harm to me.

[@EvilWarWoman]

My parents were very good at petting siblings against each other. It started out between my two brothers they called it wrestling problem is is if he ended up crying you got a beating. I was the second oldest I got thrown into it reading from one brother if I ended up crying I got a beating. then the next brother we go throw the same thing .This would go on almost every weekend then I had a baby sister she got thrown into the mess. But we were told don’t hurt her she’s just a baby. If she ended up crying we get a beaten. The pitying against each sibling never ended it still goes on today I’m 65 and I’m the psycho. Shingling whatever game you wanna play on the scapegoat that’s why I don’t have much to do with my siblings my so-called family members I like staying alone it’s safer.

[@t_nels]

My mother pretty well ignored my birthday these last couple years. Beyond that, I took time off work to be present daily for my father and she makes comments like "Someone has to make the money!". Shame on her! I had to make that decision in a short period because missing work Monday wasn't an option. The following week after being at Henry Ford she cancelled all his appts for treatment and chose hospice! Too late for me. It's a slap in the face!

[@stupensardi2783]

Jerry I wish I had found your channel many years ago. You explain everything so well. I have had many "aha" moments. Thank you. ❤

[@CoolClik-hg7cr]

I had two parents were narcissists. I can relate in so many ways too this program .From being compared to my siblings, of being disappointed in me I wasn't good enough. As a result I still have some resentment as a 60 year women from my past. One thing I have is a relationship with Jesus christ through my Heavenly Father. He has helped me in so many ways. I still find myself going back to some of my old ways. 😊

[@dakoderii4221]

My dad = Effort is all that counts. He did his best, even if he didn't lift a finger Me = Results is all that counts. Perfectly perfect results in record breaking time, with record breaking efficiency or else!

[@lgragg61]

All A+ grades, one plain A, and I was punished. My sister got $5 for an A, $3 for a B, and $1 for a C. I didn’t get anything because it would cost “too much.”

[@angelavore6705]

I am getting strong enough to do more for myself beyond just no contact. I just ordered the book you suggested "The Paradox of Intimacy: Personal Authority in the Family System" ❤

[@gurubhaikhalsa9337]

Thank you, very practical and helpful. Sometimes self acceptance seems so unattainable. Baby steps are still steps.

[@jerrywise]

Absolutely!And thanks for watching!

[@diana5898]

Absolutely true! Devastating to a child, but so true. Thanks for your truth Jerry Wise.

[@pjwolf-wiemers]

My first exs' parents had 'plans' for him. I am still friends with my second ex; his family had serious issues.

[@serenosotello736]

My mother would criticize me with all A+. She would say "Your father had no parents, had no food, and he would get A+." The criticism was that I had parents and food. So I was wrong about that.

[@the_horror_fan]

Hey Doctor. Thanks for the post. I know you talk about family issues. I realized my issues with family, and life in general come from my existence. I have seen people freak out at me being even near them. I am a innately a taciturn since i was young. Growing up, I never got the opportunity to speak much. Sure, later in life I went to Toastmasters when I was in the Navy, but seeing people act weird from my presence is so, I don't know, scary. I am half a century old and I still see this around family, and interactions with people. I feel like running away every time someone want to come toward me because they want to interject into a conversation I am having with someone else. For me, when I get a chance to talk to someone there is always that one person that want to interrupt a conversation I am having with a person.

[@margomcguire7167]

Always trust your spidey sense. The NPDs are all over the place, and people without personal experience don't even recognize the passive aggressive nastiness.

[@angelavore6705]

My female parent use to say "respect is earned not given"

[@RUBYHOLLISBROWNrj]

Absolutely! I appreciate this talk!

[@jerrywise]

Thank you for watching! 🤎

[@kareemmohammed5270]

resonates, painful, much appreciated for your insights as always Jerry.

[@jerrywise]

You're very welcome

[@lenkaklapalova]

I'll be honest, I'm watching and crying. I never realized things were so wrong at home...

[@jerrywise]

If you’re looking for more support, I invite you to join my free training: jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027.

[@darinsmith2458]

For me the approval and competition go together.. I couldn't even think about approval, I just wanted attention.. Even if it was bad attention..

[@mtbroca]

Youre so accurate it's scary.

[@sherylbeamer7189]

Thank you Jerry! YES to the competition coupled w triangulation has damaged my sibling relationships. Yes to criticism and perfectionism. Thank you 🙏🏼🥰👏🏻

[@jerrywise]

*You are so welcome*

[@whatevers9055]

I had a narcissistic parent, a narcissistic sibling, was born in a cult, and was bullied in school. How do you come back from all that? Can you?

[@margomcguire7167]

Knowledge is power. The fact that you can recognize what happened to you shows you are a strong person, not an empty shell like the narcs.

[@prophetwiz]

One really basic issue was my narcissistic father always told me that he was my friend, but tried to receive the same accolades and worship that he felt he was entitled to as a parent, and reacted very negatively whenever we had any minor disagreement, this really destroyed my view on friendship and parenthood, and now as an adult, I’ve had to repair myself and re-educate myself in order to gain a better grasp on living a life which is responsible and edifying, and it’s been a real hurdle to understand that my emotions are my responsibility, and that I am not responsible for the feelings and reactions of other people, overcoming the guilt and shame that they planted inside of me took many years to overcome

[@marekm9647]

Dziękujemy.

[@kforest2745]

Yeah that’s 100% correct they demand respect they never care to earn it. It’s an authoritative disability on account of insecurity’s control issues.

[@Ann-eb8dp]

Thank you for confirming all that l had suspected for a long time

[@jennjay2507]

Call me nosy 😂 but it would be interesting to hear Mr. Wise talk about his life before he became so acutely self actualized. I truly cannot imagine him demonstrating any reactive toxic behaviors based upon possible personal circumstance(s). What led to his journey??

[@Coreg1]

Thank you!

[@jerrywise]

Welcome!🙂

[@drsarita-questioneverythin3194]

This is so spot on

[@michellehill718]

Excellent Video Dr. Wise! ✅Thank you very much!🎆

[@jerrywise]

Glad you enjoyed it!

[@shihtzuluvrtwo6386]

Getting all A+'s was expected from us. We were threatened that if dont bring home an A, we'd get a whooping! The woman was crazy. I now know why I did not have children. I was afraid to treat them like I was treated. I always had dogs. People were surprised I had no children due to the way I handled my dogs/puppies. I received a puppy from my hubby for my B-day, and thinking about my childhood, comment from friends, it somehow hit home. She actually caused this!

[@familiedattel-playmobil]

True... Truth

[@EricNorthman-h2f]

They don't give you Anything good !!!

[@InfiniteMindset99]

Fabulous “full circle” of awareness of the past & action for our self.

[@chriswalls5831]

They got few things wrong or more than few

[@jeffreyjackson5229]

How about projecting period. That more than anything else was what drove me away and keeps me away. Being an emotional punching bag gets old.

[@rochellecaffee1417]

There is a huge difference between discerning “unacceptable” BEHAVIOR, and an individual’s EMOTIONS and THOUGHTS. How we ACT OUT what we FEEL and what we THINK, which IS BEHAVIOR, is THAT which may be addressed when it is disrespectful of the freedoms and rights of others.

[@mercedessanchez6844]

Dear Jerry, you’re the wisest of them all!❤ Reparenting ourselves, and self differentiation are core in the healing process!

[@jerrywise]

Thank you kindly!

[@marajade784]

You just described my family to the core. Every behaviour you have described my mother and father treated me and my golden child brother that way. I loathe them so much for stealing my life from me. I have so much utter disdain for them as humans. The best thing I have done is move to another country with my beloved dog and cut off all contact with these parasites

[@justbenice7448]

Again, with my abusive narc Mom, I hate to say it but everything. She got everything all wrong unfortunately.

[@goodenoughgirl8102]

Respect demanded. So clear with my step father. To me he may as well have been a stranger and there he was demanding huge things from me right off the bat that would take a natural father years to earn. It was like ok. Y’all got married and it was kinda like some TV dinner you nuke for one minute. Everything changed for me at the drop of a dime and it was extremely jarring to me at only age 8. Imagine being just 8 and now your father isn’t even your father anymore all of a sudden and this stranger just assumes the role in every way. 🤯🤯 Like what? Wtf? What is going on? Just like that. No prep. No time to try and work it out in my own mind. Etc. Of course much later in recovery I realized the diff between respecting my mother’s choice in husbands or “obeying new house rules” vs having to comply to this unholy new father-daughter instant pudding “relationship.” Later I said to her you chose him but I never had a choice. So there I was. Instant pudding daughter to some low hanging fruit she dragged into our home and I was to just assume the role without question or objection. I learned really quick tho that objecting was utterly out of the question.

[@Keepingitreallyreal]

Jerry, your content is so valuable. Thank you!

[@jerrywise]

Glad you think so!Thanks!

[@bar9666]

How does one differentiate narcissistic personality disorder from demonic possession?

[@hiloknowsall7462]

Demonic possession has a treatment protocol EXORCISM… NPD has 0 meaningful treatments or cures.

[@Xinlaimaan]

Thank you so much Jerry😊❤

[@jerrywise]

You are so welcome!🙂

[@Denise-y2c]

My narcissistic parents would not allow one to express any opinions that were not the very same as their opinions. Critizations Shaming, ,etc. Would follow if one attempted to express one's self. It really was awful.

[@matikramer9648]

Thank you, Jerry, very much And special thanks for those tips Really grateful

[@jerrywise]

You are very welcome!🙂

[@christinar2039]

Would love to know you better, Jerry Wise after all you’ve given us! Don’t wait forever to tell us more about you!

[@amberfuchs398]

Excellent video, Jerry! I really like the Self differentiation tips you gave at the end to go back and ask yourself if you're carrying on any of those behaviors internally. Very powerful!!!

[@jerrywise]

Glad it was helpful!🤎

[@sherrihaight2724]

I was an only child. I still felt dad loved my sibling more.

[@ryanjonestownmassaker5943]

Eh?

[@andyserkiz3384]

Narcissist's aren't capable of love. It's not my opinion. Professor Sam Vaknin has said that and he is number one expert in this field.

[@rochellecaffee1417]

Just like our Constitution “in its original intent”, and there is proper use of “Equal justice under the Law”, BEHAVIOR is addressed, but our EMOTIONS and THOUGHTS should be respected for individualuality and not SHAMED, (assuming the child or person might be cognitively unable to understand right from wrong by “normal” standards).

[@endorphinrider62]

Very Wise Jerry, very Wise...

[@jerrywise]

Thank you!

[@Agameda1]

Another helpful video, Jerry, thank you

[@dio69666]

You, or anyone in this field, could prob make a vid with this same title every hour of every day until you die and still never run out of things to say about it

[@siennaprice1351]

As someone who is completely blind and on the autism spectrum, I wasn’t allowed to be my true authentic self. Even though I wasn’t even hurting anyone, I was discouraged from doing certain things, and even showing emotions like crying. I was taught to mask and fit in with the rest of societal norms and to fit in with the normal people and not be different from them. Even though, all this time I was just truly expressing myself. I wasn’t allowed to touch everything, run into things, cry, have sensory meltdowns, use my sensory items, get upset if someone else was in distress, make mistakes, the list goes on. I’ve been really working on unmasking, and being my true self and allowing myself to do these things. It is hard though because society does have norms for special needs because it’s “different and abnormal to how everyone else in this world does and acts.” We individuals with special needs and mental illness are so foreign to the rest of society, and we’re also shamed for expressing ourselves, and our emotions. Because “it’s less than to do these things. It’s less than to cry. It’s less than to be different from the rest of society.” It shouldn’t be this way. Being sensitive shouldn’t be less than. Being vulnerable shouldn’t be less than.

[@sunnyadams5842]

I really love the fixes at the end!! Brilliant, Jerry. I am at a point where i'm pretty clear what was wrong as nd what I don't want anymore....just, having not seen many examples of day to day happy living, accepting the Absence of Horror is not good enough any more!! I want JOY!!! TY ❤

[@equalityforall5620]

I never celebrate my birthday. I always felt it was because my family never did. I think my family never cared if we lived or died. I think my father would have agreed that that's true, and that he's just being honest. When you think about it, they only had children because the man wanted sex. I think they would have just cared if we ever got social services or the police involved, like if we ran away or told someone something. My younger sister doesn't even know when when our birthdays are, and she thinks it's funny that I do.

[@GabiHuber-f1n]

Very helpful! Thank you❤

[@jerrywise]

Glad it was helpful!🙂

[@Adam444Tv]

You have to develop it with them carefully, start with little “ no’s” then when you have to say a big no to them they will be more accepting but they MAY NOT change and YOU will have to accept it. Enforce, because especially at first you will be challenged as they will be losing control over you and possibly over themselves because they can control you no longer but that’s their sickness.

[@MylonMoses]

Thank you ! Jerry!

[@monaj33]

Thank you and God Bless you ❤

[@donnab3183]

This was excellent information, thank you.

[@jerrywise]

Glad it was helpful!

[@bcbro142]

The major problem is, there’s no manual to parenting and there’s no psychological test before the people have kids or society pressured women that were never meant to be moms that were psychologically ill and have children! Society would be made to go through a training program and have a psychological evaluation and it goes through some trauma informed therapy before they have kids so they don’t put all their crap on their kids, which is what happens! The truth is our parents are just humans we hold them to this Godlike position. That’s the child inside of us, but we become adults we realize that fallible and the tools they had. My parents were both abused by their parents physically and psychologically, even though I had a lot of trauma in my life, I have to say it could’ve been worse! I was never sexually abused or put down by my parents or physically abused! but there was a lot of neglect measurement sibling dysfunction among my parents and chaos in the home! I was the scapegoat and the truth teller so I escaped!

[@justtest]

I am 40 and becoming bald and have huge growing gray hair spot on beard. Not a genetic. Not a big deal on it's own, but maybe solving this puzzle can give me clues what I have neglected and can improve for my overall health.

[@sugarpuddin]

Wow! Terrific video! It is extremely helpful. It really speaks to me. In my sixty's and I still do not like to celebrate my birthday. I would like to suggest that US Public schools are the ultimate narcissists. From my experience, it's not about empowerment or enlightenment. Rather like my Catholic Church experience, it's all about obedience. Rockefeller & Dewey created the US education system by using the philosophy of Hegel & Wundt. The same two men to whom Marx & Trotsky used to create Communism! Hegel wrote that he was fearful of the educated man! In their own words, an education system must dumb down the population and "to create a passive society of people who merely act as cogs in the wheel of society" It seems our masters created a system to utilize us like energy chattel. My parents were the same, "Why do you think we had you kids (to do chores...)?" They don’t teach how to THINK - But rather what to BELIEVE! It seems to me the US Public education system is an Intellectual Lobotomy, which is part of the reason the USA and many Western Nations can't intellectualize themselves out of their problems. [Note: US citizens pay at least three times more on it than any other country in the world for education!] They don't teach critical thinking! Only the rote memorization of frivolous factoids of dubious origin! In fact, I think education in much of the Western countries is not education at all - but an institution of social conditioning! A 4.0 GPA is not indicative of intelligence but rather obedience! Removing critical thinking from education was simple & genius! The objective of the Western Education model is an adversarial one between professor and student: The Professor believes it is his function to smite down the students who have no interest in education. To the contrary, a proficient teacher builds-up the student by “leading from the front”, and by individually building up the student’s expertise. Students in this scenario quickly learn the professor is not an adversary, but rather someone dedicated to making them more valuable in society! Students in this scenario jump on board the learning process because they know it is for their benefit and that the leaders in education are there to promote those benefits to the individual student. My feeling is: If the child does not want to go to school there is good reason. The child should have the right to make the case against going! Once again, thank you so very, very much for these healing videos!

[@ashton1952]

Great perspective, countries can can be seen in psychological terms, there are the ones that do the most wrong to others, like invaded almost the whole world to set up colonies, then their people justify it and invalidate the people on the receiving end who mention it

[@denisem4575]

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 I agree totally with you. Very rare to find teachers, especially where I live, that care about teaching the future of our country. The Catholic Church in my town was one big competition on who was the “better” Catholic. These people would show up to church every Sunday & leave to talk crap about half the people in church that Sunday 🤣

[@sugarpuddin]

@@denisem4575 Precisely. In all cases, it's about obedience. Not enlightenment or empowerment.

[@margomcguire7167]

They teach using competition (triangulation) as a tool, rather than cooperation. To be fair, education has been horribly underfunded. It's almost a crime to keep kids in such barren empty classrooms, but at least some of them who are the worst off financially might get more food than they otherwise would.

[@gurubhaikhalsa9337]

Free thinking on the part of the students would blow up the lesson plan, and then what? Bedlam!

[@orshepeic]

Hi, about number 5. Sometimes I feel like not celebrating my bday, or a new job etc I think Well, everyone has bdays and promotions, I am nothing special..so why bother