Narcissistic Parents: How they Annihilated Your Sense of ‘Self’

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Self Differentiation Expert Jerry Wise appeared on Family Tree Counseling Associates Live Stream Broadcast and presents the topic of The Annihilated Self for Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents. He explains why ACON's struggle with a sense of self and low self differentiation. He offers help, resources, and new approaches to healing from childhood trauma from narcissistic parents. Contact Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC at [e-mail] or 317-919-6264 or at www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com Jerry Wise has been a relationship/family expert for 40 years.

[@jerrywise]

👇🏼This is how I can help you 👇🏼 ➡FREE 84-Minute Training: "Build The REAL SELF You Were Never Allowed To Have!" jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027 🆘FREE Toolkit for Instant Family & Relationship Detachment join.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/ 🔥🔥🔥 6-week online program 'Your New Road To SELF': Break free from toxic family patterns, heal the damage, and discover your true self! program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/

[@starvethesupply8452]

"Some people are so broken it may take more than one lifetime to heal." Wow

[@RhetoricalMuse]

To be fair - this is just flowery language for the following: He is basically saying, that some people can't be helped. For example NPD, some ASPD. It's hardly profound.

[@paysonadams4597]

Love your handle

[@__rm307]

@@RhetoricalMuse Did you ever stop to consider that it may be a profound revelation for the child of an NPD person? Why do you even care if someone else finds it profound? That’s their experience. You sound jealous.

[@stevec3892]

That’s me

[@laraoneal7284]

The guilt an abused adult child feels is toxic guilt. It does not belong to you it belongs to your perpetrators. John Bradshaw wrote a book called Toxic Guilt which i read over 20 years ago.

[@marinakukso]

"think of how your child would feel..." this part really hit me. i was 13 when i realized that i couldn't go to my parents with any problems, and that if i did, they wouldn't help me. it's hard to describe how overwhelming the feeling of loneliness was. i didn't have any extended family, so there were no adults i could turn to. no wonder i first became suicidal at 13...

[@BarbaraMerryGeng]

Running away doesn’t fix it . You will find other toxic people to replay the dynamics & validate yourself as an innocent victim .. It’s vital to work on yourself & build up your identity as a separate person..

[@sll110]

yes

[@chiliart8056]

Yes

[@jrosebud2021]

"If I do good, I make everybody happy, If I do bad, I make everybody miserable" and so the annihilated self causes us to live in fear of doing anything and feeling responsible for everyone. Thank you for this excellent video! I wrote most of it down as it is incredibly helpful information.

[@magnoliajo696]

I found this phrase especially humorous because of the cleverly spoken reality of the pitiful truth of it: “The annihilated Self folks are always being eaten alive by others and they are supposed to be eternally grateful for the meal.” lol

[@AMETASubliminals]

yes that was a good one and so true!

[@rosamurgia7508]

Thanks for this!

[@tiadobi6932]

"Self Specialist" = brilliance. Jerry Wise has managed to carve a new category in the healing/counseling arts. Jerry's words here are worth a 5,6,7x listen for so many on planet Earth right now who need this information and don't know what the heck is happening to them. Jerry this is NOT too much information ~ your teaching(s) and style rock it!

[@raphaellavelasquez8144]

What's worse is when some of these therapists are toxic thenselves and gaslight their clients.

[@ginghambriarsoapery7817]

you just broke my heart. when the question was asked how my children would feel if there was never anyone there to lobe them, to help them, to care for them, I ( an overprotective mom) was angered at the very thought, then you went on to read ," that was you as a child." and my heart sank down to my feet because it is true and I never wanted my own children to be hurt, alone, or abandoned. I have such a long journey ahead of me.

[@ginghambriarsoapery7817]

*love* not *lobe*

[@amyw4216]

Indeed. Your comment really expresses my feelings too.

[@sll110]

me too

[@laraoneal7284]

If one continues in the pseudo self they will NEVER be who they are really are meant to be. Very good explanation Jerry. Learned helplessness is part of this also.

[@cherriesinthesnow]

Wish I knew about this in my 20’s and not 50’s, but no KZbin back then and therapist did not help much.

[@sll110]

@@cherriesinthesnow me too !

[@raphaellavelasquez8144]

Some of us cant develop a high functioning pseudo-self who can work, learn and have relationships etc. We wind up on disability and going to "treatment" where nothing is known about family systems. My family was so crazy no one even believes what went on and didnt go on there. Everything I experienced and experience now is blamed on some chemical imbalance. I believe organizations like NAMI promote this kind of smokescreen.

[@paysonadams4597]

I bought my parent's suggestion that I was mentally ill. I've lived with the stigma and limitations of being Bipolar since I went and got myself diagnosed at 21. Agreeing with my parents that I was Bipolar seemed preferable to just being labeled "Wrong"! I've never been mentally ill a day in my life, but they were able to annihilate me by many many tiny slices, slightest, and betrayals, many under the guise of them deciding for me, for my own good. And I died to myself during the last few years. 17 years in a classically trauma-bonded abusive relationship brought me face to face with the reality of him and that lead me to have to ask...why? Why was I available for him? When the truth about the emotional neglect I was exposed to as a child came clear, I sank. In my journals, it is disturbing to read, 'Am I dead and don't know it?' over and over. Thanks for the resuscitation, Jerry 💜

[@__rm307]

@@paysonadams4597I relate to this 100% 🙏🏼

[@velvetindigonight]

I would like to add that you do not need to have gross abuse or chaos to be annihilated. You do not have to be emotionally abused simply emotionally neglected to be annihilated. That is your needs and emotions and ideas are not responded too in a positive loving way alas. To all intense and purposes you do not exist.

[@penyarol83]

Yes! This is very much my issue. It feels so hard to build on top of a foundation of what feels like absolutely nothing.

[@lucibloom5966]

This is why I felt such a loss of identity. The mind games he was playing with me and all the accusations and crazy making nonsense all lead to this feeling of being annihilated. I'd been concerned and scared that I was in fact the disordered one because I thought he was destroying my ego, but it was my identity he was messing with which lead to this feeling. I felt like I was nothing. Dirt under his shoe.

[@BarbaraMerryGeng]

@@lucibloom5966 a full grown self will not engage wth people, certainly not live with people who negate you every day .. the problem starts in early childhood ..

[@thl4444]

this is so spot on it articulates so much on what I went through. With brutal commitment to my self development and self love I was able to finally develop a sense of self, I lived for so long not really existing... that weird dissonance of technically being alive but not really existing is so real

[@alpinestar5496]

wow such a powerful sentiment, thanks for articulating so eloquently

[@aquamarine0023]

SUCH an important topic. Thank you so much for addressing it, it's sorely needed! Something I struggle with is obsessing over hurting other people's feelings. I obsess over worrying if I hurt someone's feelings or if I upset them -- I'm afraid to ask people at work to do things for me because I don't want to upset them. It's so exhausting mentally stressing over continuously worrying if people like me etc. If you could address this topic in a video that would be amazing!

[@jerrywise]

Juliana I just did a video on this topic this past weekend down in Miami. I should be posting it soon so look for it. If you want more information contact me at [e-mail] Jerry

[@jerrywise]

Just added this video for you kzbin.info/www/bejne/sH-cdX9vgtdqY6s 15 Ways to Stop Obsessing about a Relationship on You Tube

[@jerrywise]

I just added it to my you tube channel. Hope you can watch it.

[@JoseSanchez-bp7xz]

JulianaHereOnEarth I used to be exactly like you for many years, and then realized why I was doing it and quit caring. People sure didn’t care what they said to me, but anyway I quit caring because I realized why I was like you were is because my parents and kids did it to me growing up, and I realized what I was doing was...well never mind. I I think you get the idea. Anyway, it got to the point that the only person I was trying to please was my father. Of course he was never happy with anything I much said, and still isn’t.

[@ablueyedsissy59]

@@JoseSanchez-bp7xz , If you don't mind could you finish your sentence for me as to why you think you were doing that ? I feel like I am on the cusp of another breakthrough ,( another aha moment. ) Blessings.

[@hypsnos]

I took pictures of my self several times in front of broken mirrors in the past without really knowing other than that I was depressed. It has taken me a long time to aknowlegde that I was being bullied and controlled by my parents (even though I KNEW I never had the one self to understand it all. It was "normal". One of my challenges is that I have no idea how to keep friendships anymore or even find help -even after traveling and discovering that I am "allowed to be happy" my own self is changing from strong to underdog in two sec. and I have "no power" over it. I am afraid to make long term friendships because I know I cannot "keep it together". I have been poor and starving and still somebody elses (who are living in a much better condition) deserves better than me. Experienced a violent relationship snd still had empathy for the crazy one. You are talking about me here too Jerry, almost so much it scares me. I want to thank you so much for all your videos, you have no idea! I don't know if I ever would have started to understand anything, or understood the deep roots of this/my situation, if you (and the others) were not here to unveil and enlighten. Blessings and hugs to you and the others and to all the commenters who live like me. The past should have no real power over the present..

[@ladyfae4797]

Mellomrom I can relate to all you've said. I'm extremely grateful to have found this channel. Jerry is really helping me understand myself and the situation with my parents. Hugs to you too

[@paysonadams4597]

Poor and starving! Gotcha, Sister!! I'm stepping out of that person my narc parents created and I agreed to. I am stepping into the me that's walked beside the me who agreed with my parents was sick. No Mas!! I am healthy and vibrant and fully myself... Or getting there! Namaste

[@sll110]

me totally same situation

[@LisaS1]

That sweet little dog back there; he or she, looks like they are listening to Jerry to.

[@corsicanlulu]

i wonder how many of us are "normal"? not many i feel. we are all traumatized in one way or another i feel

[@jerrywise]

Yes, I believe most of us have been traumatized or grew up in dysfunctional families with varying degrees of love, abuse, confusion, allergy to intimacy, etc. Thanks for watching, please share you on social media. Jerry Wise

[@lucibloom5966]

@@jerrywise It's mixed messages that can be the most disconcerting and my greatest need is consistency. I had inconsistent messages sent to me by both parents at different times, that contradicted the other parents teaching so it was very confusing.

[@AMETASubliminals]

Watching this over and over I am finally beginning to understand. Thank you Jerry!

[@sll110]

me too

[@RIPLEYTHEBAND]

Jerry, thank you for what you do. This is so resonant.

[@janethomas78]

My family. A covert war zone.

[@Sandromeda.]

mine too:/

[@cherriesinthesnow]

Same! Well, the covert part is over now that I’ve escaped!

[@garrettmalone1420]

Anyone willing to admit the problem,and start doing the work can heal and do much better!

[@carissalato9551]

This is absolutely accurate and powerful information! Thank you for everything you do and making me feel normal and human! I have finally recently come to terms with my past and recognizing my codependency! Such a discovery is truly a gift and this is such a helpful tool! Thank God for you Jerry and Mark, I love both of your videos! Thanks again!

[@paysonadams4597]

I'd tell my friends from 7 years of age, that if I wanted to feel really bad about myself, all I had to do was go home. The rest of the world Loved me! I was a very happy, healthy and well- adjusted kid. My choices defined me as a respected and responsible, albeit a tiny bit quirky, person. I liked me just fine. Out in the world. At home??? Annihilated!! "Decimated" was the word that ran constantly ran through my mind in my parent's presence, like steel wool!

[@lynnvs6372]

In my case. I come from a dysfunctional narcissistic bk ground so marrrying a narc felt normal. And my narc came from a cult like dysfunctional home w 9 kids. He was the 9th. So he was ignored by his much older father. And showered w too much attention by the mother. I think this is how I became co dependant and didnt really notice that abnormal was normal and normal was abnormal. And alot of ppl would ask y I stayed.. it didnt feel like abuse. It took me 49 yrs to begin to put together patterns. The financial.. the lies .. the triangulation. The mental/physical abuse. Etc. Watching from my sons channel. Kudos from Carsons mom😊

[@sll110]

me too

[@lesleyelalami2562]

Yep, that was my mother "And you, you can't do a bloody thing wrong!!!!" (as she punched me) - said sarcastically if the bond between my Dad and I was visible. Shocking abuse.

[@rainbeau9752]

Thank God for your content. I have been dealing with narcissist father for 50 years. You described being eternally eaten by others. When I heard this it remined me of how I described my personal experience as painter GOYA'S Saturn devouring son. Only recently been brought to light. Forever I have been dismissed and told I was exaggerating. Alone and slowly growing more debilitated. I have been debilitated and exhausted to the point of not being able to hold jobs. My insomnia crippling. A doormat, people pleaser... I want people out there to know they arn't alone. But finding a counselor that really understands is key! Follow your heart and gut (intuition) and my prayers are for you (all of us like ) to see, bring to light, and understand and take a stand because you are stronger than you know. You are worthy. Please believe this. Reach out, I pray your words be heard. In Christs name amen.

[@marietjieluyt7619]

Incredibly insightful. Thank you, Mr Wise. 🍁🍂🍃

[@transphormmandy3572]

thank you Jerry! keep making these videos on defining self after abuse. much needed stuff

[@chrysalis72]

Hug to annihilated selves everywhere. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️🦋🦋🦋

[@suzannebunbury2961]

Annihilated self, I went to a church that operated and reinforced this. Of course, raised by two narcs first. Some of my greatest angst has been how to relate to God. I know that I “scare myself” by projecting my fear and agony onto God as if he’s cruel and rejecting 😫

[@sll110]

me too! same feelings here

[@dianapaloma3102]

We love you Jerry. You’re wonderful. 💕🙏

[@suzanaweidinger1561]

Wow, so bang on!! You two make quite an incredible team and such a force to be reckoned with!! 🙏

[@irisbloom5620]

Thank you so much. Being in the company of these two men and the dog (have my number one friend taking a nap on the sofa here), is so healing. Honestly, I had tears in my eyes when the video was ending because this is just the knowledge I needed to hear at this point in my journey. Bless you.

[@laraoneal7284]

John Bradshaw book. “On the Family” is an excellent book. Toxic Parents is another book.

[@AngieKoh197]

Wow, this is so insightful! Thank you so much for this information, Jerry!

[@moirosalina]

Thanks tot saying that it is okay to accept the pseudo self. That helps me calm down and set the bar lower for my healing proces, I don't have to hurry; I am not bad.

[@sll110]

me too

[@stevec3892]

Grew up with two of the worst and had a lifetime of panic attacks and anxiety . Low self esteem and socially ignorant . They had the worst marriage but yet in public all nice . My older sisters control them now and all treat me like garbage . I can go on but evil evil people

[@tammymurphy1268]

thank you so so much!!!!!! your work is such a blessing

[@cherylton]

I agree with Lara O'neal - learned helplessness is important.. this part is scary!

[@mackaready1]

Thank you guys so much, your videos are a good companion and healer.

[@a.nonymous2089]

TOGETHER AGAIN! Woo-hoo!! Love you guys!! Jerry the Wise!!

[@jessh9988]

So amazingly helpful...I've had an annihilated self for as long as I can remember and right now I'm doing the reprogramming required to love the self. This has been me for so long...and it always felt like I was fake but didn't know what to do. I am doing that work. This is amazing work, thank you so much!

[@sll110]

me too

[@BEYOUTOTHEFUL]

THIS IS REALLY GOOD. THANK YOU GENTLEMEN. ANGELA

[@sissi8610]

That was great. Glad you popped up via KZbin recommendations, I almost gave up on Internet Narc Experts, some are Narcs themselves.

[@philu4621]

Thank you Mr. Wise for your wisdom. This is so accurate and true.

[@rhythmoflove2]

Thank you Jerry, I can listen to you for hours.

[@rhythmoflove2]

Jerry, I sent you a donation about 3 weeks ago, did you receive it? It was via PayPal.

[@laraoneal7284]

Scary seeking for that sick narcissistic bond. Very scary. Ive never done that. I don’t trust any bond pretty much.

[@laraoneal7284]

This is excellent Jerry.

[@LisaS1]

I was chatting with my brother today on FB and I brought up a huge family problem having to do with another sibling and he got nasty with me saying "I have heard it all already. I can't change it. I enjoy talking to you but not about stuff I have heard a 100 times." I could of gotten reactive plus told him how I felt but knew it would cause an argument with him. And so I didn't say hardly any more about it; I held back from saying more. I could feel my heart beating faster after reading his comment. I sit here still pretty upset over his comment. How come acoa's can't, or won't, talk about crucial family issues like estrangement (from one's siblings)?

[@jerrywise]

They feel overwhelmed, they are enmeshed which creates high reactivity, they feel powerless, and have not gained a calm sense of self-differentiation. (these are some random thoughts Lisa) Thanks for watching. Jerry

[@LisaS1]

Thanks for your comment and info Jerry; I appreciate you replying back to me as some persons whom do videos will never reply back me no matter how many times I've commented on their videos.

[@MeMe-mt6xv]

Lisa, just because you are ready to talk about it does not mean they are. You have to give them a heads up and time. You have to say something to the effect that you are coming from a place of love and healing. That you have healed, or are trying to heal. And, that talking about it is the only way to get over it fully. They need to know that you are not seeking retribution (as taught in 12-step programs). Your aim should be to disarm the family secret and its power over the lives of yourself and your siblings. Remember, you have to give them time and set up a meeting in a neutral corner (this means NOT on Facebook). You can't fix or change anyone; however, I believe that with genuine love and honest communications people can build bridges to healing. Best of luck. Don't forget to pray!

[@lucibloom5966]

@@MeMe-mt6xv I have explained this to my parents and they just don't. want. to. listen. In their minds I am the problem and the narcissist. They don't want to think or talk about it or hear about it. They'd prefer I just never come back then have to deal with any of it. It's so sad. My mother has had a lifetime of burying her head in the sand and being avoidant...that's just her attachment style. Same as my father. It's easier to just write me off as the problem and lie to themselves as they always have. I have given them 5 years to have space and look at their stuff and they still insist that I'm the problem and make up distractive non reasons that aren't even what I'm talking about to avoid looking at what I AM talking about.

[@MeMe-mt6xv]

@@lucibloom5966 My heart goes out to you. Your choice is either accept them and their dysfunctional ways, or chose to find a new family - like a church family. Pray. I can tell you that anyone that won't even sit at the table to gently share their thoughts (in your case that they think you are the narc n all messed up) are not worth the time. If they really believed you were at fault, and they were in the right, then they would have no problem meeting and voicing their opinions which they see as facts. They will not meet not even collectively to "go up against" you because they know their part in all of this. They see your strength. And like Jerry Wise says, "YOU changed the rules". I did too in my family. No more being the scapegoat, punching bag, person of put down. The way the world sees me is total opposite of how my family sees me. Now, who am I going to believe? I am going to believe what God says about me and be who he made me to be. The family will never be happy. Your playing it safe or chosing to not be your authentic self serves no one. It is a struggle, but love yourself. Get off Fakebook or unfriend them. You do not see the pain in their hearts and they do not want to show you. Work on yourself, you are worth it. And, God will send you helpers.

[@fionah1580]

Spot on! (and dog is adorable)

[@angelagholson4988]

JERRY JERRY JERRY!! 😂😂 just had to say it. Thank you sir.

[@allisfaith]

Good stuff Jerry

[@Give_Me_The_Night]

I'm crying for my annihilated self, this has triggered so much in me, but is so accurate and helpful - Thankyou! 🙏🙏🙏

[@commonsensebeliever6723]

Your dog "photo bombed" your video at about 15:30....perhaps before, since I was just listening when doing something else. I looked up and saw him peeking over your shoulder, causing me to burst out LOL!!! Been enjoying some of your videos, thank you for making them available!

[@michelekurlan6489]

Absolutely right about practitioners needing to do their own internal work. This one is an "owwie" given my personal history and it also gives a name and order to my own internal chaos. You shared just the right amount. Never too much,at least for my thirsty soul💐

[@samh6658]

I always love your talks... Love the gorgeous furry being at 12.27. I had to rewind and listen again as I was distracted :)

[@alexmihalkin]

Thank you so much!

[@conniesmith-mendez4688]

I love the dog appearances. He is checking to see who you are talking to. This is great stuff.

[@jerrywise]

Lol I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021 “Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom Sign up on website to get info on workshops www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/overcoming-guilt-and-shame-through-family-of-origin-work-workshop Sign up now I also have three other workshops for rent or sale on my website: • Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop • Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop • Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my KZbin channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my KZbin channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional If you sign up now, I will be offering a live broadcast with my paid members on You Tube soon…

[@altalt839]

Ok, I think this one is going to be very helpful.

[@Sarah_wondemagen222]

The content In your videos is very supportive I learn a lot from it :)

[@jerrywise]

Happy to hear that!

[@Midori559]

Love your dog!

[@pattymackey5467]

Bullseye! Amazing accurate description of my learned experience

[@LisaS1]

That's me alright - "the annihilated self" plus most all my family of siblings and connected have really erased me, annihilated me from being a part of family holidays and everything, even funerals. You'd think I was a criminal but in truth I've done nothing to deserve such treatment.

[@adamv4951]

Lisa, I'm right there with you. The people that I thought loved me, without as much as asking my thoughts on the matter, have disowned me believing the narc mother. The best way for me to deal with it is not to deal with them emotionally and have no contact.

[@LisaS1]

Hi Adam, Thanks for your supportive comment. I'm sorry if your mom didn't treat you well. I had problems throughout the years with my siblings and the past 10 years especially and I have become estranged for the most part from my siblings and connected family members. I don't look forward to holidays since there is only myself and my son and no family to have holiday dinners with. I'm sorry your family has hurt you so badly.

[@janethomas78]

more of the same-- they don't think you don't matter and they are coming clean on that!

[@annepoe8026]

My family has done the same thing to me am basically kicked out of family that has narcissistically, alcoholic and physically abused me. Ex-husband abused me the same way. Sociopathic men are attracted to me, can't stand it. I spend all holidays alone and have no friends. I get such negative feedback whenever I tell anyone this. How do all of you on this post deal with the effects an after Effects of being abused? Would appreciate any feedback you can give me as long as it isn't too negative.

[@LisaS1]

Hi Anne, How are you today? I'm sorry to hear your family has abused you terribly. I can relate as my family of origin (siblings & connected) never mention me coming to visit and never mention me coming for any kind of family event or especially the 2 fall holidays. I'm sorry you've spent the holidays alone; that must be very painful. The 2 fall holidays are very depressing for me as it's only me and my son. I guess I'm lucky I have him to be with but it still feels awfully lonely. If I counted New Years eve that would be 3 unhappy holidays. I was so relieved that Christmas day, New Years eve and New Years day were over as they were hard to get through with cold weather and no way to get anywhere except to walk. How long has your family been treating you this way? I don't get why I'm treated so badly by my siblings. The claim they love me but to me actions speak louder then words.

[@kamilkarnale8764]

So refreshing n interesting to watch your videos.An enlightening lecture!!👌👌👍👍👍

[@daletinafloyd8284]

I found your counsel at 33:01 so helpful. Thank you.

[@jc1865]

Great info like your other videos. And bonus --- pet video bomb which always makes me smile.

[@jerrywise]

LOL thanks for watching

[@roxanecarbery1759]

thank you so much 💖

[@dianapaloma3102]

Jerry Rocks!! 🙌🙌

[@mallory5872]

Fabulous - thank you.

[@davidnorman2134]

Love this video

[@dhikradunn9975]

Thanks you so much you help me a lots I lucky to find you 🙏😘

[@nylaclancy2655]

Boy does this explaine my life..

[@pearlhandle8321]

EXCELLENT, EXCELLENT, EXCELLENT...

[@jomullen5280]

Very good explanation......it's all true folks.The addictive nature of narcissitic relationships from having a nacissitic parent is extremely interesting....it's very challenging to change this process.It's boring to me to have anything else......it' truly toxic and self destroying.

[@clanmaccus1959]

Amen! P.S. love your doggy!

[@kaystephens2672]

Being the adopted daughter of a hysterical mother (histrionic)I feel so ripped off as an adult. It can take years before they pass on to look at what they did and why. I believe we all feel this deep anger inside of us but don't know how to deal with it now. That's the dilemma we face as we are becoming very aware of what we lived through as this curtain is being pulled back today and what we suspected is exposed. The question of mental illness versus spirituality perplexes me. And being adopted gives me a different viewpoint of the family system dynamic I finally know I "put up" with. Did not grow with, but put up with as a child, And an adult. I was, of course, the scapegoat. And I always was a child who asked "why" about the way I was treated by my supposed cousins. I feel exactly the way my abused brothers and sisters feel out there in your audience who are in their later years. But in the end, as covid gave me time alone to ponder on my past, I realized many things. That my life was a "role" for these sick people. And they did have a use for me. And I, even at my age, emancipate myself from that family. I have to to stop their dysfunction for my children. You know, in the movie "Lord of the Rings" where the king was old and half blind and under the spell of the bad guy? That's exactly how I view my adopted mother and how she was now. I couldn't break through and wake her up. Its like a spell they're under. But when you see that, remember that is was the Truth of what you knew you had there all along. And yes, my loves, we always did hold onto ourselves in some way. Because if we hadn't, we would not be seeking help from this these wonderful men who went through this nonsense too. And yes. We held on and I thank God I never became a full fledged member of their blob of insanity. 😊 What I love about this awareness is the fact that these patterns are consistent and became socially acceptable. Could you imagine our American Indians growing up in this way? We must think outside this stiffling box of irrational behavior we know we experienced. And the biggest Lie my dillusional mother tried to get me to buy was "What will they think?" From her family to the imaginary lady down the street. This paranoid, useless fear had to come from somewhere. It seems to be universal in these peoples minds. And Ive found this out about her family. That the people who act this way almost always have the biggest secrets to be ashamed of Like 2 drunk parents of her's who did not meet her or her brothers needs. Liars and swindlers. But they looked so nice on Sunday morning. Dont worry people. We are testamentaries to these sneaky frauds. I found out their secrets. And boy oh boy, I'd have to live in denial too. They have secrets and they are very ashamed of them. Oh well. We all stand before our God one day. We tried to love them. And that's all we ever could do for them. Right? I know I'm right, this time.

[@melissadavis4279]

Aside from the great talk... lovin the doggie in the background

[@yvonneoakes550]

Thank you

[@estherloske8180]

God answering my prayers for help.. leading me to find this ! 💖

[@jerrywise]

Wonderful! Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my KZbin channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my KZbin channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional helpful recovery information. Also, I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021 “Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom Sign up on website to get info on workshops www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/overcoming-guilt-and-shame-through-family-of-origin-work-workshop Sign up now for early bird price I also have three other workshops for rent or sale on my website: • Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop • Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop • Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com

[@cammiehupp3049]

I love when You two do videos together!

[@jerrywise]

Thanks Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my KZbin channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my KZbin channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional helpful recovery information. Also, Please sign up for the upcoming workshop “Getting Your Family of Origin Out of You” Workshop Date: February 6, Saturday Time: 1pm EST - 5pm EST Zoom www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events [Even if you are not able to attend, if you sign up for this workshop, I will send you your own copy of the full workshop and the workshop notes]

[@shadipahlavi]

Guilt is our world boundries,,, shame the navigation

[@slowroastedmarshmallow9226]

Jerry, I want to contact you. My family is riddled with false selves...I am getting out / finding myself and at age 44 am FINALLY living a happy life. Thank God for many KZbinrs who have helped me heal / define myself and see a way OUT of the CHAOS (Can't Have Anybody Over Syndrome)!

[@jerrywise]

[e-mail] 317-919-6264 www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com

[@corsicanlulu]

i feel like ur describing narcissism. narcissists have no identity and glob on to everyone

[@getnetalemu4427]

Thank you.

[@jerrywise]

You’re welcome

[@virginiasmith5278]

this video is very helpful but also is very surprising and sad to learn about this condition

[@sll110]

yes

[@JerseyLynne]

Mister Wise is a very smart man, or maybe you already figured that out, smile...

[@kareemmohammed5270]

resonate

[@uyoebyik]

I can so relate to this

[@jerrywise]

Thank you for watching. Any donation would help in making these videos. www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/donations

[@charingcross6331]

Brilliant as always. Does someone know who Jerry quotes on the 22nd minute, please? I would love to read that book.

[@jerrywise]

Hi I cant remember off hand but it may have been Daniel Shaw Traumatic Narcissism book

[@ginghambriarsoapery7817]

p.s. Thank you 💗

[@conniesmith-mendez4688]

Body memory release Jonathan Tripodi and Levine each wrote books that are a good place to start. Some podcasts on Spotify and Tripodi’s book on free audible trial. Then to find a therapist.

[@quzee5779]

Sweet old puppy! :) Try a grain free diet for those allergies and a really good topical flea prevention from your veterinarian. Beautiful pup!

[@Midori559]

You are talking about me!

[@jerrywise]

Do what you need to do to recover as a survivor Midori559. Jerry

[@mr.anindyabanerjee9905]

Wonderful fulfilling session Sir Jerry. I have a question... How does annihilated self correlated with Empty Schizoid Core in BPD? Again.... Thanks a bunch for your cognitively stimulating sessions❤😊

[@cosmosunited]

This is what I am going through. I know I might be accused of a smear campaign here, but I searched so much for support and people don't really make you right especially if it's about parents who "sacrificed" themselves for the kid. I am a codependent girl, at 31, still struggle to make a living and get out of my mom's confinement. I hear her in my head and even if we don't live together, I am still enmeshed and feel sometimes that she inhabits my body. She is rude and intrusive and speaks nasty towards me but at the same time the whole family sees her as a victim and me the ungrateful girl. For instance, now she is in the country and I am supposed to go see her(she works in italy and blames me for having had to leave romania to work abroad and now she's visiting her parents, my grandparents and complains of how I don't respond her calls, but my heart is in pain even when she speaks to me and literally i cannot stand her presence anymore. +i am afraid we'd go into a physical fight even). While she blames me for having smeared against her and insulted her, in reality she is the one having done this. Even after having called me a filth for being ungrateful and said that she gives me only 350euros per month when in fact she gives me 500euros(some months, that is true), she has written to me that I am the one insulting her. I even doubt her mental faculties now. I mean, I am afraid, I don't want to see her until I heal my wounds and I really feel like going no contact but i am also guilt tripped by the family and she might go into a crisis. I really need to exit this relationship. Before I really believe in relationships transformation but now I want to put that energy into becoming better myself and really find a way to make a living. Am I the one with the problem for not wanting to see her? I have chest pains, and I feel some nervous damage like eye twitchings and weird twitches in bed. While she complains of a lot of work, having damaged her health in order to work for me, and even if I am grateful, I really want a time off from her, even from her calls. I so need support for this decision and someone to tell me that I am not to blame constantly. Thank you!

[@munix9351]

Listen. Run!! Run as far as possible. Life is too short. Guilt is the illusion that you have control over another person's life. Be your own hero. Fight for you. Nobody will ever. Nothing will ever be good enough for them. They will always have something to say.. Stay committed to your own healing. Go create your own family. I went through exactly what you are. Nearly drove me mad.

[@tanyakashyap6944]

🙏🏻🙏🏻

[@chrysalis72]

That was one way to kill ego. 🤔ascend to 4th dimension comrades.

[@pearlhandle8321]

So, how do you deal with a significant other who is the victim of codependent, or narcissistic parents? Can that person ever be a suitable spouse? Everyone COULD be a suitable spouse. It depends on how willing, or open, that person is to the brutal honesty it takes to look at their Annihilated Self, to looking at their past, & accepting that their past, & their childhood trauma has affected them in unhealthy ways. You may have to just start with them being open & honest about the existence of childhood trauma, before even getting to the effects. Some people are so broken, & wounded, it could take a very long time. But, in the end, a life may be saved, as well as future generations. Progeny. Legacy. It's generational. They got it from their parents, who got it from their parents, & so on. The buck CAN stop with you.

[@stevedoetsch]

It may happen that only the pseudo-self of that person is fit to be with you and that true healing for that person would mean they are going to be a different person and need to leave you so if you actually care about that person you should be ready to let that happen.

[@serenapiccinini392]

You described me

[@jerrywise]

I wish you the very best… And you are not alone Many have experienced this… Thanks for watching. “Standing Strong as an Adult Child of the Narcissist” Workshop Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC July 17th, 2021 Saturday, 1-5pm Eastern time On Zoom Topics: The Illusions of the Narcissist The Trauma of Adult Children of Narcissists Living in the War Zone 7 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You Were Raised by a Narcissist 10 Ways Children of Narcissists Love Differently Healing Your Inner Parts and Inner Bonding Resisting Self-hate, Self-shaming, Self-rejection, Self-abandonment Cutting the Emotional Umbilical Cord: Going No Contact or Low Contact with Toxic Parents Superpowers All Adult Children of Narcissists Have And more… Lead by Jerry Wise Founder of Jerry Wise Relationship Systems and You-tubber of over 250 videos. Q & A Role Plays Volunteer participation You will receive the recorded workshop You will receive the notes for the workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events