Narcissistic Parents: What they Taught You About “Empathy” is TOXIC

[@jerrywise]

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[@onelife7247]

This is really helpful, thank you. For years, I’ve been warned that I should “stop being nice” which always sounded counterintuitive. However, your explanation of toxic empathy encapsulates where to a certain extent I’ve been going wrong. From as early on in childhood as I can recall, I’ve been accustomed to consoling others in the household in attempts to diffuse violence and also to somehow feel included/useful. Unfortunately, decades later this has proven to be quite counterproductive as it attracts predatory individuals who persistently try to cross personal boundaries. Fortunately I’ve also discovered I’m by no means alone in this respect. It’s been enlightening to connect with other men and women who’ve experienced the same dysfunction. Lesson learned.

[@jenniferinnes-t2r]

another great video. i agree w/ jerry and commenters that these completely understandable survival strategies for children backfire in adulthood. but for young children in abusive situations, showing empathy toward an abuser might calm the agitated abuser and stop them from further terrorizing the child; it might actually save that child's life. in cases of child abuse, i find the terms like co-dependent and people pleaser are shaming terms that don't address the very real terror that leads children to do whatever they can just to survive. i think we need better terms!

[@bernitacenteno1326]

Too often the needy the " self-related " others get brushed aside, because of the manipulative misuses of others, their manipulations. They are left without getting their needs and wants fulfilled. How do you know the difference ?

[@bernitacenteno1326]

Note correction, due to a computers typing error, it's : The " self-regulated, " not " self-related "......

[@username-jc2tp]

"Reduce your empathy for those who lack it." And those who fake it :)

[@missmerbella]

I believe that underneath the need to empathize is a need to see the other person in a more positive light by excusing their faults-born from a child’s need to see the parent as “good.” If we see the parent and later a romantic partner as struggling and hurting inside, we don’t have to face the painful reality that they care very little for us and and could even be intentionally hurting us. It’s almost a form of denial.

[@dnk4559]

Your comment really resonates with me!

[@99.9percent9]

I think this is spot on!

[@BrickRoadVisuals]

Spot on. That is my experience.

[@gomluney]

exactly!

[@bpassion4fashion581]

I agree AND I will add that this behavior is not only triggered by wanting to see our parents as “good” as a form of denial, but the role of our parents could have been replaced by any other adult in the role of nurturing us during our formative years. For example, I was heavily influenced by my aunts and uncles, as my mother and father were not around and I was left at my grandmothers house for “ someone”( whomever ) to take care of me . Needless to say , I was damaged by my aunts who treated me poorly. As a way to survive I became a people pleaser and extra empathetic to the point it has taken me a lifetime to heal my fawning response. I am better at showing up for myself now, but I still catch myself betraying my truth in the name of “ not rocking the boat “

[@josephdennis8473]

"Reduce your empathy for those who lack it.". 🎯

[@drlarrymitchell]

8:00 The funny thing is that empathy-deficient people will definitely notice when you cease feeling empathy towards them, and never connect that they now feel the way they were making you feel all along.

[@tnt01]

Yes.

[@rebellaire55]

This 💯💯💯

[@irshikha]

Yes! Why this DP though? 😳

[@chellotrevino7323]

That doesn’t make since 😂😂 what are u talking about why are u saying it like the way your saying it does not make any type of sense

[@chellotrevino7323]

@@irshikhathat’s paragraph doesn’t make since 😂😂😂😂 read it again he’s saying that the person who has low empathy just NOW started to feel like that when they were treating us like crap and that’s not true a person who lack empathy has always been like that not when they hurt u that paragraph makes no since to me

[@sadie9386]

Toxic empathy is a survival strategy. What choice did we have? It served us in childhood and kept us connected but it only served to create a world of horror for our adult selves and our own poor children. Ironically, when I went into the world and attracted addicts, cruel and dysfunctional people, my mother used this as 'proof' that there was something wrong with me all along and hence her treatment of me had somehow been justified.

[@irshikha]

Yes, she was right. A lot was wrong. Wrong that this mother stayed on this planet to birth a pure soul and then make her suffer. These (people like your mother) creatures are the ones that deserve no less than hell.

[@Cre80s]

Bingo. Everything will fit their narrative. Anything good about yourself, they'll take credit for, "sidel up to" (to borrow a Sienfeld term), and anything bad about you is all your fault and they did everything they could to "fix you."

[@Shortstacksandticktacks]

My family is the same way. It's pathetic how much I was supposed to feel sorry for my parents when I was a little kid.

[@bridgettetraveler658]

Ppl say I've changed because I refuse to take care of the whole world. I used to allow ppl to treat me like a slave. I realized when I'm down who's here for me. I had to learn to take care of myself because no one else will. I help others some but I had to learn to give myself some compassion & love. To those ppl who say I've changed, I say thank u! I didn't change myself. GOD did it all!!!

[@warriormama5415]

THIS had been a major root of my inability to live my life. I empathized deeply with with simultaneously resenting my mother. I was a very sensitive child and when someone was hurting, I was hurting and I wanted to fix it. When I went no contact three years ago, this has been the bolder in my way. I only just discovered that one reason I won't let myself be happy is because my mother is not happy. I have also taken on what I perceive is everyone's sadness, especially if I feel like I had anything AT ALL to do with it. I constantly feel guilty about wanting to be happy and free. It feels like a survivors guilt and it's extremely painful and debilitating.

[@kirstywillowlove]

I really really get the too.

[@DarkAlleyDolls]

I feel exactly the same way about my mother.

[@aymaravarela8484]

I feel the same too. We will overcome this ❤

[@bereal6590]

THIS!👏👏✌

[@restlesswildhorse]

I totally relate 🙂‍↕️

[@maguiedossantos2925]

From my experience as a natural empath, I can say that toxic empathy is the same as being too nice and a people pleaser. This mindset has messed up my life and mental health. Things only changed when I've learned to place me and my needs first before making anyone happy. It cost me too much so I had to completely change my way of thinking and seeing that other people's needs did not have to come before mine. Toxic empathy led me to allow all types of abuse from others including my own family members. Notice that I wrote " i allowed it to happen ". Toxic empathy is an indirect open invitation for others to abuse you and use you as they wish. Learn to choose you first no matter what. It's you and me who show others on how to treat us . It all starts with you.

[@jerrywise]

Yes, thanks for watching Maguie Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my KZbin channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my KZbin channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional helpful recovery information. Also, Please sign up for the upcoming workshop “Getting Your Family of Origin Out of You” Workshop Date: February 6, Saturday Time: 1pm EST - 5pm EST Zoom www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events [Even if you are not able to attend, if you sign up for this workshop, I will send you your own copy of the full workshop and the workshop notes]

[@gaillesarge9779]

In the comments for a different video I made this point, that I am someone who needs to learn to take care of my own needs. I was repeatedly attacked as someone who was selfish and didn't understand how to consider the needs of others. But here, I am in the right place! You guys get it! Wow, does this "Toxic Empathy" video ever hit home.

[@AZDC99]

Yep! People like me or you can't allow other people to invite themselves into and out of our lives however they please anymore

[@tinkingtinking2134]

I agree to an extend that i allowed it, i didn't know till I was 47 that I was the empath/scapegoat child. It's taken me 8 years of knowing and 16 years of Sobriety to finally say enough is enough, so now I'm putting me first and I won't be doing anything for anybody that doesn't appreciate me. I was a chronic giver, but I now know i was programmed to be a giver only, never was I thought how to recieve, I've had to teach people how to treat me over the last 16 years and its been a really hard journey.

[@jmstargirl]

"A good rule is to reduce your empathy for those who lack it" Wow. It seems so obvious and simple but it isn't. That was a huge light bulb moment for me. Thank you!

[@jerrywise]

I’m glad you found it helpful, now it’s time to apply ❤️

[@marywolfe6598]

I have felt sorry for so many people and it has gotten me stalked, abused, taken for granted, etc. I think I projected how they must feel but I was wrong. There's a lady in a wheelchair in my apartment complex who loves to get empathy from anyone who will listen to her, even the mail carrier and the plow guy! And, ahe knows what's she's doing. I need self empathy. I have come to realize that I have no idea how other people feel or what they need. I am not a savior....that's Jesus calling...not mine.

[@magicman205]

I had to leave my cheating girlfriend a few days ago. I'm devastated and her crying, begging me to take her back was a hugely traumatic moment for me. I felt so bad for her. This video is saving me currently. Thank you.

[@jerrywise]

This toxic empathy keeps us in broken relationship systems. Thank you for watching. Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my KZbin channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my KZbin channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional helpful recovery information. Also, Please sign up for the upcoming workshop “Getting Your Family of Origin Out of You” Workshop Date: February 6, Saturday Time: 1pm EST - 5pm EST Zoom www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events [Even if you are not able to attend, if you sign up for this workshop, I will send you your own copy of the full workshop and the workshop notes]

[@PeteS_1994]

Sounds like you got to the video at the right time for you.

[@leeboriack8054]

My friend, a cheater feels the most pity and grief for their getting caught and the shame. Journal your feelings and don't rebound! Peace.

[@magicman205]

Thank you for the support, kind strangers on the internet! I did end up walking away (as hard as it was for me,) but I do feel infinitely better all these months later. I still come back to this video and videos like this in my darker moments, but I am very proud of myself for asserting a boundary for my overall betterment. I'm doing much better now and wanted to give you all an update! I wish you all peaceful, loving lives filled with fulfilment and growth.

[@eddierylan2647]

I know Im randomly asking but does someone know of a way to log back into an Instagram account..? I was dumb forgot the account password. I would appreciate any assistance you can offer me

[@goodgracious6364]

Thank you for this valuable insight! It's worth years of therapy! This is exactly the story of my pathology. Being hyper-empathetic to a bunch of highly dysfunctional and disregulated people and thinking that it would make them know that I am a "good", caring and compassionate person. Trying to extend the empathy to others that I thought was not given to me, only to be used, manipulated and undermined in the process. I've learn to not take on other people's burdens and that no amount of empathy and "giving" will make someone else grow up, be accountable for their behaviors and treat you with respect and appreciation.

[@jerrywise]

You are welcome Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my KZbin channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my KZbin channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional helpful recovery information. Also, Please sign up for the upcoming workshop “Getting Your Family of Origin Out of You” Workshop Date: February 6, Saturday Time: 1pm EST - 5pm EST Zoom www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events [Even if you are not able to attend, if you sign up for this workshop, I will send you your own copy of the full workshop and the workshop notes]

[@VengefulPolititron]

" " other people's empathy and protection of you, keeps you from hitting rock bottom and having to make a change. so it stunts your growth. empathy isnt compassion, its anxiety and fusion " "

[@cross-eyedmary6619]

This is extreme though. There is this idea that is circulating in Christianity recently, due to an article written in a very influential ministry publication, that empathy is a sin. Talk about going from one extreme to another! Empathy is a necessary tool, that can be misused and exploited, yes. But that doesn’t mean we can get rid of it entirely. Do that and you get the kind of humans that...abuse the empathy of others.

[@honeybadgernasty]

"People have the legal freedom to be a failure and ruin their whole lives..." Oooohhhhh, that's gold! Thank you Jerry for reminding me of people's individual choices!

[@jerrywise]

You are very welcome I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021 “Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom Sign up on website to get info on workshops www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/overcoming-guilt-and-shame-through-family-of-origin-work-workshop Sign up now for early bird price I also have three other workshops for rent or sale on my website: • Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop • Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop • Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my KZbin channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my KZbin channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional

[@rebellaire55]

This is life changing 💯

[@amberfuchs398]

I'm reminded of a Brené Brown quote: "Empathy without boundaries, and empathy. Compassion without boundaries, isn't compassion." We must have our internal and external boundaries to stay in self while being empathetic or compassionate.

[@yco67]

This toxic empathy literally boosts depression and anxiety badly.. sometimes goes out of control so so badly..

[@sadie9386]

Some examples of my toxic empathy: Feeling sorry for my mother when she dragged me by the hair. How awful for her. Understanding her need to choke me. How soft her lovely hands were. Sympathising with my mother when she complained a neighbour came to the door because she'd seen my mother attack me. How embarrassing for my mother. How dare that neighbour interfere! Identifying with my family's treatment of me - I didn't like me either. Trying to fix and help people to reach their potential and prioritising their needs over mine and my children's safety. Their history becoming mine as if I had experienced it. Sending people to the doctor,dentist, college. Going to University to get a job to earn the money to buy a house for my mother and make her happy. Get her some hobbies, a dog, friends. Living in service for others and believing I had no needs. Wishing to swap my child's body for my grandmother's elderly body in order that she could live her life over and be happy. Reverse side of my toxic empathy My rage at people who hurt others. How dare they. I will soon let them know they are the scum of the earth and must change their ways. My anger at people who stay within their own boundaries and fail to help me or others. Don't they know they should jump in and save everyone?

[@rondasmith4037]

Empathetic People also are Protectors of Other People's Feelings so that tend to step in to calm a situation!!

[@rosej5029]

Another example is domestic violence survivors who empathize with their abusers.

[@chellotrevino7323]

That’s dumb 😂😂😂 like what how 😂😂😂

[@Anonymous-qr9ho]

​@chellotrevino7323 my sister got involved w/pedophile (who lived with her for 4 months) who physically & sexually abused my 4-year old niece repeatedly (my sister knew about, my sister lied to us that my niece fell down the stairs when actually the guy had sucker-punched my niece in the mouth) before murdering her. My sister was charged w/1st degree murder & the guy got 60-years. He is set for parole in 2026, I am going to do what I can in my power to keep him behind bars.

[@chellotrevino7323]

@@Anonymous-qr9ho yeah ewwww that’s gross

[@Anonymous-qr9ho]

​@@chellotrevino7323It's not gross it was EVIL!

[@chellotrevino7323]

@@Anonymous-qr9ho so fight back 🗣️

[@monicaperez2843]

Feeling sorry for someone is very different than loving someone. Consider silently praying for them, then pray for your own physical, social and mental well-being. Learn to respect others' and your own boundaries. Al-Anon is excellent!

[@christianimageco.3758]

Just like with enmeshment, some families raise their children to have toxic empathy. Mine did and still does. It keeps the drama going. 🤔👍🏾 Thanks Jerry. Exactly what I had on my mind today 🎯

[@yall2743]

Thank you. I just let à friend stay with me because she was on the street. She was schizofrenic alcoholic and I had to be like a mom to her. After a week she left and I was exhausted and realized a lot of things. Found this video and realized a lot more. Thank you.

[@jerrywise]

Thanks for sharing! Please join as a support member here on KZbin for only 1.99/month. This will help keep the free videos coming. They are time consuming to make and take many hours. Thanks for your support of this channel. I have a workshop coming up February 6, 2021 Saturday 1-5pm EST hosted on Zoom GETTING YOUR FAMILY OF ORIGIN OUT OF YOU, please sign up. www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/getting-your-family-of-origin-out-of-you-workshop

[@kjbrocky]

@Chamois I also have been helping a bipolar friend for over ten years. She is a wonderful person but gets very mean and controlling and narcissistic when in mania. This last several months dealing with her was awful, like dealing with an alcoholic, and I finally decided that I'm not helping anymore unless she gets some help on her own to get stable. The relationship was extremely stressful and exhausting when she got manic, and these "episodes" would last for many months at a time. I finally realized that this was not healthy for me and that I didn't have to keep doing this. I did have to grieve the loss of the relationship, we have been friends for decades, but the stress was too much for too long. You have to love and take care of yourself first!

[@RebeccaAnnSinkula]

@@kjbrocky The decision to "Choose You" and put yourself first (in a healthy way) can feel so difficult. I agree there is a grieving process. Congratulations on moving forward! Much love.

[@justinael]

I can't always determine if my empathy is toxic or not. But I see what you mean by disturbing someone's progress by toxic empathy: I have a work colleague who is difficult. Every boss we had tells her she must change her attitude. She quarrels and cries. We are a nice team, we always take her side. But I see how it makes her believe her toxic traits are ok. The boss has changed lately and I decided to mind my own business this time. There was a conflict, as always, she cried. She had to think about her behaviour and things are changing a bit. So yes, we sometimes need to be alone with consequences and pain.

[@jerrywise]

Thanks for watching I am trying to work on a healthy empathy video

[@rebellaire55]

As someone who is struggling with empathy with a narc parent, this video is like slapping the reality in my face that people who don't have or fake empathy don't deserve healthy empathy. I have realized through this video that the toxic empathy that I had never changed a person for good, in fact it made them worse.

[@josephineritter3120]

I think that I tend to give other people the empathy, caring and love which I didn’t receive growing up or even in my marriage. Perhaps I’m trying to give it to myself in a roundabout way but the outcome is disastrous. I am taken advantage of, lied to and lied about and then the people I have helped are not there for me when I need help. Thank you, Jerry for explaining this and giving us permission to take care of ourselves and realize it is not our job to take care of people who won’t be responsible and truthful!

[@andrearush6209]

As an overempathizer, this is SO, SO TRUE!!! It's so easy to think that empathy is virtuous but it's a freaking dumpster fire if not regulated! For me, moving things from subjective to objective thinking has helped me a ton in learning self-control and self-regulation. Emotions are fine for emotions, but they are a lousy guide on which to hang your actions, attitudes, and thoughts. Thanks for the good word!

[@jerrywise]

You are so right Andrea... Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my KZbin channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my KZbin channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional helpful recovery information. Also, Please sign up for the upcoming workshop “Getting Your Family of Origin Out of You” Workshop Date: February 6, Saturday Time: 1pm EST - 5pm EST Zoom www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events [Even if you are not able to attend, if you sign up for this workshop, I will send you your own copy of the full workshop and the workshop notes]

[@staceydenise5538]

This is a timely topic Jerry. I used to think wearing the badge of Empath & Super Empath was an honor, but it was only a ball & chain around my ankle. This kept me living in guilt and not learning who I was until you taught about turning the focus internally and managing ourselves from the inside out and not the other way around. It's taken me some time, but was well worth the work!! I have to check in with me and check out with the other person to stay grounded and out of confusion. Thank you so very much!!

[@jerrywise]

Wonderful to hear. Thank you for watching. Please join as a support member here on KZbin for only 1.99/month. This will help keep the free videos coming. They are time consuming to make and take many hours. Thanks for your support of this channel. I have a workshop coming up February 6, 2021 Saturday 1-5pm EST hosted on Zoom GETTING YOUR FAMILY OF ORIGIN OUT OF YOU, please sign up. www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/getting-your-family-of-origin-out-of-you-workshop

[@ladennayoung2939]

Nothing wrong with being an Empath and acknowledging that. It is a gift from God. You just learn how to utilize the gift properly. And learn how to minister to the people that God called you to minister to. It's a gift from God. Trust me. Initially I was saying I hated being kindhearted, sensitive, emotional, or whatever the case maybe. But the Lord spoke to me and said it was a gift from Him, that I needed to learn how to utilize properly.

[@TincyM-z2m]

Nonsense being emotional isn't a badge of honour there should be healthy balance in life..​@@ladennayoung2939

[@taniab845]

Thank you. This was beautiful. I always think how unnatural it is for me to say no or not be giving of myself. You raise a good point that we were trained to be this way since childhood - "Mommy's little helper". I played a dual role growing up as the scapegoat but also the compassionate one my abusers would turn to when they needed support. I was able to stop the codependency with most of my family, however, it was my little sister who is borderline who i had a hard time disconnecting from. She treated me horribly but in the same breath knew my kindness and that I would support her emotionally and be there for her. Having recently gone no contact with most of my family including my little sister I don't think she thought I would ever turn my back on her. I had taught her she can treat me deplorably and I would take her back and show kindness. She had no reason to change her behavior. They are all still pretending and I choose no longer to live their lie.

[@jerrywise]

You are very welcome Tania... Please join as a support member here on KZbin for only 1.99/month. This will help keep the free videos coming. They are time consuming to make and take many hours. Thanks for your support of this channel. I have a workshop coming up February 6, 2021 Saturday 1-5pm EST hosted on Zoom GETTING YOUR FAMILY OF ORIGIN OUT OF YOU, please sign up. www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/getting-your-family-of-origin-out-of-you-workshop (Also if you sign up and cannot attend you will get a full video of the workshop and all the workshop notes)

[@taniab845]

@@jerrywise Thank you, Jerry. I will consider both. Thanks for the link!

[@angelanicholson951]

Jerry, you are directly talking to me. This is the confusion I've been living. Systems anxiety and severe fears in the home, family and outside of it, I've lived this life doing this because my existence upset so many. I was blamed for their feelings and so i fearfully took the blame and became the dart board and helper/fixer. It gave me a place to fit, but i did it out sheer fear and anxiety. Anything goes wrong, I'm blamed, and i panic to fix. And I've empathized with all the wrong types. I fell into the same traps as you. I've confused being kind, caring, loving, generous for trying to fix and be of a purpose. Thank you so much for explaining this. I'm so miserable being everyone's fixer, and struggle to keep my mouth closed, via anxiety, so i keep myself to myself, as people see pushover and helper, esp in Churches, because i give that off. I want to be seen as a decent person, not a terrible person, because my birth upset so many and life was very fearful every day. I am naturally caring, but it was exploited from a very young age, and i leaned on it. I'm a tough person, but this weakness has brought me so many huge challenges being responsible for their feelings, needs, wants, troubles, so understander/helper/fixer/blamed, while usually exploited or despised, and only valued in that way. But i advertise myself as helper. I loathe it. So i think, "i just don't fit in." My eye's have been opened, today. It's upsetting, but it's wonderful to hear this unraveling of my confusion. "Thank you" doesn't really express my thanks enough.

[@cindyc]

🤗

[@jerrywise]

That is so wonderful Angela Please join as a support member here on KZbin for only 1.99/month. This will help keep the free videos coming. They are time consuming to make and take many hours. Thanks for your support of this channel. I have a workshop coming up February 6, 2021 Saturday 1-5pm EST hosted on Zoom GETTING YOUR FAMILY OF ORIGIN OUT OF YOU, please sign up. www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/getting-your-family-of-origin-out-of-you-workshop

[@debral9651]

I truly believe youre the best coach in this field, worldwide. So insightful and helpful.

[@SoulSeeker2025]

Me too

[@christineplaton3048]

Being empathetic to people who have toxic lifestyles and behaviors is total overload. It's very distressing. Thank you for this. I exited a very bad relationship to a malignant narcissist. I was in a cult church with controlling priests. I am trying to heal. The empathy I have is at a heightened level, but only towards certain people. Not all. I'm trying to find me. So the term enmeshment is new to me today, this second video on the topic came up. Utube is so helpful. Much appreciated.

[@lovearttherapyalways]

This is good.... unfortunately I learned this the hard way.... I observe these victim types now more closely and see their manipulation more than I used to... It is very important to show compassion and empathy but yes wisdom needs to master over this. Thanks for your videos! God bless!

[@jerrywise]

Thank you for watching and God bless you! Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my KZbin channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my KZbin channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional helpful recovery information. Also, Please sign up for the upcoming workshop “Getting Your Family of Origin Out of You” Workshop Date: February 6, Saturday Time: 1pm EST - 5pm EST Zoom www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events [Even if you are not able to attend, if you sign up for this workshop, I will send you your own copy of the full workshop and the workshop notes]

[@blue_sky_bright_sun7599]

Enmeshment is a big fu**** deal. Glad I found someone who talks about it, takes it seriously and offers a solution. You're the best, Jerry!!!

[@jerrywise]

You are so kind Lune I'm glad the videos have been a help

[@leeboriack8054]

"Empathy can be used as a weapon." said my former partner.

[@FFlores79]

You know it sure can! Very true

[@oropeza899]

Woow! She really showed her true colors. Narcicist sometimes do that

[@azgirl215]

This was great information. I was raised by a Narcissist who is now entangling my son because she is no longer getting her empathy from me. The spiritual community has very good intentions but I never wanted to relate to being labeled an empath because it caused too much pain. This is a very logical and supportive way to acknowledge it and take it down to a more healthy place. Thank you 🙏

[@annastone5624]

I NEED 10 more videos on just this topic!! This is such an IMPORTANT video!! Thank you Esp with so so much pressure to be loving & empathetic as the solution to everything, when quite often in many, many situations - it’s a recipe for being abused.

[@mercedessanchez6844]

Spot on! Empathy is often a desquise for anxiety. And it steals people their power

[@kitsune7351]

This is a game changer on empathy! Thank you. I think people didn't support me emotionally because I didn't act needy or break down "enough." I thought it was because I was the awful person my ex said I was, but I functioned well enough that even when I was in crisis many friends thought I was strong. I had terrible health issues and was in a downward spiral. But because I wasn't dead, committed or in prison people assumed I was ok. Light bulb 💡moment.

[@jerrywise]

Thank you for watching. Any donation would help in making these videos. www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/donations

[@margaritayianni2059]

Great video showing us how empathy isn't always the good guy it is often purported to be. Thank you so much for sharing.

[@jerrywise]

You are so welcome "Just because something is good it doesn't mean it always functions for good" Jw When thinking in systems terms Please join as a support member here on KZbin for only 1.99/month. This will help keep the free videos coming. They are time consuming to make and take many hours. Thanks for your support of this channel. I have a workshop coming up February 6, 2021 Saturday 1-5pm EST hosted on Zoom GETTING YOUR FAMILY OF ORIGIN OUT OF YOU, please sign up. www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/getting-your-family-of-origin-out-of-you-workshop

[@miss_whipps]

This is so relatable! Narc mother trained me well to be a servant, and now I'm struggling with a narc addict partner. He's terrible to me, self sabotages, and plays victim. I feel like a bad person if he struggles without necessities and i don't overextend myself to provide what he needs. It causes me great anxiety knowing he's doing without (even though it's bc of his own bad choices and selfish actions). I have a hard time differentiating between being loving/compassionate and being irresponsibly, toxically empathetic. I'm not taking care of my obligations because I'm diverting resources to him, which puts a burden on other people in my life, who pick up MY slack. All i know for sure is that I'm miserable and he's not getting any better. Thank you for this video; it is absolutely on point and very eye opening.

[@matilda4406]

Even our values for ... forgiveness can be used against us... therefore DON'T, it impedes what they need to do, so true (around 15 minutes)

[@edwardgreacen1833]

This is the best exploration I've heard of what is meant by "empathy" or "feelings of empathy." It distinguishes "toxic empathy" from "helpful empathy." Very, very important concepts for people who use their interest and intuition for others in order to separate from their own toxic childhood. I have often misused my own feelings in this way. It doesn't help. It seems to make things worse. Loved the examples Jerry uses.

[@jennylynn82173]

I am so thankful to see this posted! Just pressed play and eager to absorb everything you share. 💛 Thank you, Jerry!

[@jerrywise]

You are so welcome!

[@Enlight-the-burbs]

On my second listen .. I am stunned at how much this resonates with me!! I have been doing this my whole life.

[@mosim9691]

Sitting on Jerry's virtual sofa! This is DEEP! Thank you!

[@jerrywise]

Thank you for watching. Please join as a support member here on KZbin for only 1.99/month. This will help keep the free videos coming. They are time consuming to make and take many hours. Thanks for your support of this channel. I have a workshop coming up February 6, 2021 Saturday 1-5pm EST hosted on Zoom GETTING YOUR FAMILY OF ORIGIN OUT OF YOU, please sign up. www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/getting-your-family-of-origin-out-of-you-workshop

[@annastone5624]

“You will do more good in the world - to empathise less” 🙏🏻💖 (.. & function more maturely and call others to function more maturely) - When I feel empathy - ask myself what do I need right now? - Am I empathising to reduce my own anxiety? - Is my empathy over functioning and thinking it’s my role to solve issues that are not mine to solve.. (In my case it’s because I grew up with covert narcissists who *made me responsible for their emotions* I didn’t just decide to do that, it was a role forced upon me..)

[@georgie1139]

Amazing Jerry, thank you, this is so insightful and very helpful.

[@edgreen8140]

Pity plays are the way cluster b people try to use your money, attention and time instead of using their own money and time.

[@karenlewkowitz5858]

And borrow self from someone else - a good inticator. As a child - up to age 30 that was my MO - then I woke up. Another well-crafted video

[@jerrywise]

Thank you for watching... Please join as a support member here on KZbin for only 1.99/month. This will help keep the free videos coming. They are time consuming to make and take many hours. Thanks for your support of this channel. I have a workshop coming up February 6, 2021 Saturday 1-5pm EST hosted on Zoom GETTING YOUR FAMILY OF ORIGIN OUT OF YOU, please sign up. www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/getting-your-family-of-origin-out-of-you-workshop

[@irisparag6513]

Thank you so much. I an healing from codependency. It's hard. Now I love to be alone and absorbed my emotions and things. I fill more worthy

[@jenniferinnes-t2r]

another great video. i agree w/ jerry and commenters that these completely understandable survival strategies for children backfire in adulthood. but for young children in abusive situations, showing empathy toward an abuser might calm the agitated abuser and stop them from further terrorizing the child; it might actually save that child's life. in cases of child abuse, i find the terms like co-dependent and people pleaser are shaming terms that don't address the very real terror that leads children to do whatever they can just to survive. i think we need better terms!

[@sumina8653]

Hello Jerry, Thank you this. Thankfully, although programmed to be the responsible fixer and caregiver, I think and hope I now only do this with my cat and certainly not with narcissist

[@jerrywise]

That is great! LOL

[@nagoldfulness]

This is one of the most insightful and helpful videos I've ever seen in all my long years of journeying through self-help materials. Thank you.

[@jerrywise]

Glad it was helpful! Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my KZbin channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my KZbin channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional helpful recovery information. Also, Please sign up for the upcoming workshop “Getting Your Family of Origin Out of You” Workshop Date: February 6, Saturday Time: 1pm EST - 5pm EST Zoom www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events [Even if you are not able to attend, if you sign up for this workshop, I will send you your own copy of the full workshop and the workshop notes]

[@LindsayLoo-q5d]

The authenticity from this man is so refreshing.

[@matilda4406]

So growing people up (maturity) is more important than empathizing, true

[@jerrywise]

Thank you for watching

[@ladybird169]

This is excellent video. Thank you!

[@diannalamantia1518]

Jerry - very well stated. I appreciate your explanation that our seemingly empathetic “help” is a quick fix for our own anxiety for the other person’s dilemma. Real “help” is guiding the other to independence and responsibility for themselves. Bravo.

[@davidskues7153]

Wishing you a happy new year free from fear, full of courage; abounding in compassion and absent of contempt; vacant of abuse and overflowing with loving-kindness in each and every relationship that you allow in your life.

[@jerrywise]

Thank you David and same to you! Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my KZbin channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my KZbin channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional helpful recovery information. Also, Please sign up for the upcoming workshop “Getting Your Family of Origin Out of You” Workshop Date: February 6, Saturday Time: 1pm EST - 5pm EST Zoom www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events [Even if you are not able to attend, if you sign up for this workshop, I will send you your own copy of the full workshop and the workshop notes]

[@gregrhodes9139]

OMG!!!!!!! So much truth in one video.

[@jerrywise]

I’m glad the video resonated Greg

[@TriplicateTrey]

Jeez. So much of this struck home for me. Thank you, I have a lot to think about.

[@jerrywise]

You are so welcome Please join as a support member here on KZbin for only 1.99/month. This will help keep the free videos coming. They are time consuming to make and take many hours. Thanks for your support of this channel. I have a workshop coming up February 6, 2021 Saturday 1-5pm EST hosted on Zoom GETTING YOUR FAMILY OF ORIGIN OUT OF YOU, please sign up. www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/getting-your-family-of-origin-out-of-you-workshop

[@FFlores79]

I am finding that the orgin to all of these difficulties for me all boil down to lowering my chronic inner anxiety.

[@Ratkwad]

I think your advise and vision could change the world. You have helped me so much Jerry

[@a.b.2850]

Jerry, your videos are so on point, you’ll never know how many lives you saved with your content. Thank you.

[@audreyjones9440]

This is one of the best videos I've seen in this subject area. Very helpful and eye opening. Thank you.

[@jerrywise]

Wow, thank you! Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my KZbin channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my KZbin channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional helpful recovery information. Also, Please sign up for the upcoming workshop “Getting Your Family of Origin Out of You” Workshop Date: February 6, Saturday Time: 1pm EST - 5pm EST Zoom www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events [Even if you are not able to attend, if you sign up for this workshop, I will send you your own copy of the full workshop and the workshop notes]

[@jodybraswell581]

Thank you so much for this video. I was falling back into my codependent ways and over empathizing. I so appreciate you sharing your knowledge.

[@jerrywise]

You are so welcome Please join as a support member here on KZbin for only 1.99/month. This will help keep the free videos coming. They are time consuming to make and take many hours. Thanks for your support of this channel. I have a workshop coming up February 6, 2021 Saturday 1-5pm EST hosted on Zoom GETTING YOUR FAMILY OF ORIGIN OUT OF YOU, please sign up. www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/getting-your-family-of-origin-out-of-you-workshop

[@Naturegirl1976]

My now ex-husband tim before we were married always played mind games and dangerous pranks on me for his enjoyment. He coerced me i to having sex by guilt ripping me. I never reported him to the police because i didn't know that this is also considered date rape. I now am very cautious and i find it almost impossible to trust othera or myself around new people. This video is helpful

[@LindsayLoo-q5d]

“The only feelings I can feel are mine”. Wow this is powerful

[@michelekurlan6489]

Jerry, thankyou eternally for this.💐"This" meaning your transparency and benefit of your own experiences some of which include being groomed in upbringing for overempathy, learning how to express empathy in a mature way and experience in your career wearing different "healing hats." I share this with members of the former CODA group from the 90's, or CODA family group as we now call it on messenger. I shared it saying how counterintuitive it seemed at first how I need to get over my resistance in order to absorb the message. Individuation is so important to function in this world. It has in a huge struggle given my family system and I'm facing a major loss in my family of origin who happened to be my perpetrator. I am less scared as I absorb these lessons which have accelerated my growth expo exponentially in the short time of acquaintance with you and your channel

[@jerrywise]

Thank you for watching, I'm glad my videos have been of help to you... Please join as a support member here on KZbin for only 1.99/month. This will help keep the free videos coming. They are time consuming to make and take many hours. Thanks for your support of this channel. I have a workshop coming up February 6, 2021 Saturday 1-5pm EST hosted on Zoom GETTING YOUR FAMILY OF ORIGIN OUT OF YOU, please sign up. www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/getting-your-family-of-origin-out-of-you-workshop

[@Trissa.33]

Dear Jerry, thank you so much for this video. This one really hit home as I needed to hear it. I had no idea I was doing this! I'm on my recovery journey and this is such a crucial piece of the puzzle for me. Much gratitude to you. And may I wish you a very happy new year!

[@jerrywise]

You are so welcome. Happy new year to you as well...

[@victoriamd9078]

Thank you so much for your knowledge. Healing from a covert Psychopath husband For 20 years. Daughter also. God bless you for your insight and for being a part of my recovery!

[@jerrywise]

You are so welcome I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021 “Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom Sign up on website to get info on workshops www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/overcoming-guilt-and-shame-through-family-of-origin-work-workshop Sign up now for early bird price I also have three other workshops for rent or sale on my website: • Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop • Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop • Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my KZbin channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my KZbin channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

Very helpful. I need to watch again and again. I also work in the “caring professions”

[@ponylam1937]

Empathy is incredibly powerful when done right . It seems a pity to downplay it .

[@sanctuary6689]

13:43 I’ve got a saying for this idea of wanting to save others from the pain of growth or change. Everyone knows that you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. I’d like to add that if you try to force it to drink, that’s called drowning.

[@sarahmaea275]

So amazing to know my own patterns I feel grieved for what I’ve lost and taken from others without knowing or realising til now. Thank you Jerry!!

[@jerrywise]

Wonderful! Please join as a support member here on KZbin for only 1.99/month. This will help keep the free videos coming. They are time consuming to make and take many hours. Thanks for your support of this channel. I have a workshop coming up February 6, 2021 Saturday 1-5pm EST hosted on Zoom GETTING YOUR FAMILY OF ORIGIN OUT OF YOU, please sign up. www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/getting-your-family-of-origin-out-of-you-workshop

[@JustMe-bl4lb]

That's the first time in my life I've heard about toxic empathy! That's mind-blowing, thank you! Of course, I know that we can be sometimes too empathetic, but in this video you explain really well that empathy can be a way of compensating our own needs - I'd add also the sense of guilt! Narcissist overuse this card with people whom they abuse, so their victims feel guilty of they do not help others!. This is so true. We can be empathetic but preserving healthy boundaries. Not always helping is a good thing. Sometimes it's necessary to be assertive, say NO and redirect a needy person to a good book, a counsellor, a therapist... or simply, tell them to go to a work, or resolve their problems on their own! That's what they need - to touch the bottom! That's a really wise video. A very thoughtful advice to give! 👌

[@blue_sky_bright_sun7599]

I'm so glad that I found this resource. No one around talks about this , let alone go in depth on its various aspects. Thank you, Jerry! ❤️

[@jerrywise]

You're so welcome!

[@johnM-Jr]

Thanks, very helpful and well communicated

[@jerrywise]

Thank you for watching. Any donation would help in making these videos. www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/donations

[@Nicole-zt1cf]

Thank you so much for sharing this video! It has helped me a lot as I struggle with toxic empathy a lot in my everyday life.

[@jerrywise]

Glad it was helpful Nicole

[@algobo]

Wow, thank you so much for this video! I am so grateful that you share your wisdom in here, this is such an important topic!! I have put myself in danger due to over-empathizing and learned that what I was doing was enabling other's bad behaviour and preventing them from seeking help. That separation between us and others is fundamental, I am very happy to finally hear this conversation put in such a clear and helpful way. Your videos are absolutely amazing, than you so much!!!

[@pritiboyd2718]

Wow.. great insight.

[@katiswan3160]

Thank you ❤️Jerry for creating this wonderful video and ❤️and giving me some tools to use ❤️💞to change my life.

[@jerrywise]

You are so welcome

[@KBArchery]

I have toxic empathy!!! This is why I can’t even have a dog! I imagine it is lonely sad hurt etc and I feel so guilty even leaving it alone for awhile. Ugg!! I need help

[@dianapaloma3102]

Very powerful. Thank you Jerry. 🙏

[@MariaSantana-ul5wd]

This is true wisdom!

[@drlarrymitchell]

I hear, through the little birdies in the family grapevine, that my father cries over me at seventy. As if I'm supposed to give a shit. My tears didn't matter to him when I was seventeen. Turn about, fair play, the needs of the many are outweighed by the needs of the few, or the one.

[@kathryncoles3652]

Things I have forgotten and need to hear and remember, thanks Jerry x

[@jerrywise]

Great, thanks for watching Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my KZbin channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my KZbin channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional helpful recovery information. Also, Please sign up for the upcoming workshop “Getting Your Family of Origin Out of You” Workshop Date: February 6, Saturday Time: 1pm EST - 5pm EST Zoom www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events [Even if you are not able to attend, if you sign up for this workshop, I will send you your own copy of the full workshop and the workshop notes]

[@hope46sf]

Thank you, Jerry. This is so important!! Learning to understand my self- ness is so liberating!!! I am handling work and family relationships much better as a result.

[@jerrywise]

You are so welcome!

[@jerrywise]

I have a workshop coming up February 6, 2021 Saturday 1-5pm EST hosted on Zoom GETTING YOUR FAMILY OF ORIGIN OUT OF YOU, please sign up. www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/getting-your-family-of-origin-out-of-you-workshop

[@bpassion4fashion581]

Thank you Jerry! Your videos have been so helpful to me over the years I have been following you . I finally got the book you suggested, “ Growing Yourself Up”. Thank you and be well 🙏

[@getnetalemu4427]

Thank you. Want to say more, but thank you and please keep doing what you do !!You are helping me from far far away! !thanks to you and the Internet !!

[@jerrywise]

I’m glad my videos are helping you, it’s not an easy journey but it’s definitely worth it. Thank you for being part of the community 🤍

[@melissad.6722]

This sure does sound like the greatest commandment and golden rule Jesus directed, loving others as we love ourselves ❤️🙏

[@darinsmith2458]

I can totally relate to this and I am glad that you really stuck to empathy and you did not throw the word sympathy or the word pity in. For me it is a lot of common sense. Am I empathetic towards people and they aren't empathetic towards me. Do others use empathy to manipulate me? Are they in an empathy party? I would even say that people use empathy as an excuse to do abusive behavior.

[@jerrywise]

Real empathy for ourselves is our ability to see our own pain and deal with it without accepting others pain that is projected on us. Real empathy towards for others is our ability to see others pain and allow them to deal with their own pain while we are dealing with our own pain of seeing them experiencing pain.

[@darinsmith2458]

@@jerrywise So attached to our pain but detached from their pain.

[@jerrywise]

@@darinsmith2458 we can care about their pain but it is for them to deal with it. It is our job care about and deal with our own pain ❤️

[@darinsmith2458]

@@jerrywise I watched this one again. The thing that comes up for me is in the ACA Laundry List it says that we confuse love with pity. I would say that we confuse empathy with pity as well. Some people just want the "pity party."

[@sheilabest3652]

Thank you for sharing this message. I’ve definitely exercised toxic empathy in too many situations.

[@khaartoumletstalk9037]

Gerry this is well thought out and is really helpful. Of course, this Empathy is toxic and unhelpful and also it seems to make people hateful as well as not being helped... K ; )

[@jerrywise]

Agreed, and it makes us resentful, more anxious, and less focused on our own self in a healthy way. Please join as a support member here on KZbin for only 1.99/month. This will help keep the free videos coming. They are time consuming to make and take many hours. Thanks for your support of this channel. I have a workshop coming up February 6, 2021 Saturday 1-5pm EST hosted on Zoom GETTING YOUR FAMILY OF ORIGIN OUT OF YOU, please sign up. www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/getting-your-family-of-origin-out-of-you-workshop

[@Cocobelle96]

Wow So eye opening This information is exactly my journey now God bless you! Be loved!

[@jerrywise]

Glad it was helpful!

[@lucretiz]

Hope you had a nice Christmas. I just became a bronze member. Many blessing Mr. Wise.

[@jerrywise]

Thank you for becoming a bronze member. I had a nice Christmas and hoping to have a good 2021, 2020 has been hard, and I'm sure was hard for many people. Many blessing to you as well Lucretia...

[@cleo1573]

One of your best videos, Jerry. Very helpful, thank you!

[@jerrywise]

Wow, thanks! Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my KZbin channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my KZbin channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional helpful recovery information. Also, Please sign up for the upcoming workshop “Getting Your Family of Origin Out of You” Workshop Date: February 6, Saturday Time: 1pm EST - 5pm EST Zoom www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events [Even if you are not able to attend, if you sign up for this workshop, I will send you your own copy of the full workshop and the workshop notes]

[@zedradio3162]

I love the B-Wise at the end.. So much wisdom to absorb.. Thx

[@jerrywise]

Thank you Zed Radio. Please join as a support member here on KZbin for only 1.99/month. This will help keep the free videos coming. They are time consuming to make and take many hours. Thanks for your support of this channel. I have a workshop coming up February 6, 2021 Saturday 1-5pm EST hosted on Zoom GETTING YOUR FAMILY OF ORIGIN OUT OF YOU, please sign up. www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/getting-your-family-of-origin-out-of-you-workshop

[@zedradio3162]

@@jerrywise I'm plan on making a donation, early in the new year..

[@Illkacirma]

Thank You Jerry for sharing this!

[@jerrywise]

Thanks for listening Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my KZbin channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my KZbin channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional helpful recovery information. Also, Please sign up for the upcoming workshop “Getting Your Family of Origin Out of You” Workshop Date: February 6, Saturday Time: 1pm EST - 5pm EST Zoom www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events [Even if you are not able to attend, if you sign up for this workshop, I will send you your own copy of the full workshop and the workshop notes]

[@catherinepraus8635]

Thank you for helping so many of us understand the abuse for me it was drilled into my head that if i didn't help im just selfish 😔 but im not and its back on them not my cake to cook happy new year

[@jerrywise]

You are so welcome Catherine...thank you for watching.