Narcissistic Parents: Odd Ways They Shame You for Changing

[@jerrywise]

Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇 Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027 ‘Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their lives! www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self

[@fakename8856]

Jerry could you do a video about ploys used by Covert Narcs? My mom is a “sovereign citizen” which means she thinks she is so entitled that our laws don’t apply to her. SovCits use this silly ploy to gain supply. Also she is “the victim” of radiowaves pretending to be”suffer from” EHS which is not real (she believes radiowaves are radioactive). She says aircraft condensation trails are “Chemtrails” that are “poisoning her”. Some ploys used by covert narcs for supply are more desperate than others. SovCits epitomize C-NPD.

[@kristahackleylmt2064]

You are doing great work.. not an easy task! I'm forever grateful for the information you provide on your channel! 🙏 Thank you @ JerryWise

[@davashorb6116]

"You don't know how to think for yourself anymore.". This really means you are thinking for yourself and I can't handle it.

[@lynnethompson5102]

"Who is putting all of these ideas in your head?"

[@justmemother2]

"Who raised you?!"

[@CinzaChumbo]

"I didn't raise you like that!"

[@KarenKeating-t2p]

'after everything we've done for you!' 🤮

[@dollylvr8359]

@@lynnethompson5102omg yes! My egg donor would say this all the time and she’d always try to put blame on my sister. “Who told you to say that? Was it your sister?” As if I can’t form my own opinions. It not only shames you but gaslights you into thinking you didn’t come up with the idea. These people r so sick!

[@maggiesalle2256]

Another form of shaming is as follows: "Why can't you be like . . . ."

[@patrickglaser1560]

Comparison

[@eq2092]

Yup. I got compared to my brothers growing up and other kids. My mother would compare me to Biblical Saints and not in a good way. As an Adult my dad likes to compare me to action movie stars. I kid you not.

[@ZhuLiMoon]

I got that my whole life from my narcissistic father. I was never allowed to find out who I was, let alone be that person.

[@user-oh3oo7qt2s]

When I went off to college and for 40 years since, my mom goes out and recruits a more desirable daughter figure who is always my age. I guess it's supposed to make me jealous and then do more stuff for her. There was one who only showed up for one dinner and moved on fast. (Run for your life!) She's cycled through two women who each used her for free babysitting for about a decade and then dumped her. When I last had contact with her about 20 years ago, she had two other "adoptees" who were her new children. 🙄 I'm glad she found superior replacements. I used to feel awkward about it, but they did me a favor. She had less energy to focus on me.

[@emilianoherrera5310]

"If you did ______ we'd be so proud of you".

[@monongahelacats]

“Your therapist destroyed you”. Just offered randomly. I actually started laughing because it was so ludicrous. My therapist actually gave me back my life.

[@enednas801]

I did some magic mushrooms and it gave me my life back in many ways.my sister who is a carbon copy of our dads npd disorder shame and blame me for cutting ties with him."thos mushrooms are dangerous it only make u hallucinate!!" she said.no it made me relive my childhood trauma from a safe place so i could heal and understood dads crazy oppressive tyrant behaviour stifled my "individuation" process wich 1 week post mushrooms became completed. i found my true self and it was wonderful and so empowering!! :D

[@fuccingdye]

I got that too! I remember my mom flew off the handle cause I said I had to talk to my therapist first before going to her house. And she flies off and says in Spanish “ damn Gustavo. I can’t imagine having to ask a therapist for everything. You have to talk to them just to come see your family?” I tried to explain to her that I just scheduled it before we made plans. It was a monthly appointment I would have. But she took as I have to talk to a therapist just to be a person. And to be honest I do have to. I hit a wall in 2020 on top of the pandemic I lost a lot in the following years and learned A lot about myself. I tried telling her that I’m fucked up. But she doesn’t understand how it works. We don’t talk much now.

[@nicole8511]

🐈

[@HeartFeltGesture]

Your healing destroyed their control.

[@justmemother2]

"As long as I'm alive, I will always be your parent." (You will always obey me.)

[@Pinchington]

What they mean is "as long as I'm alive i will be a bad parent"

[@lordfreerealestate8302]

I've heard multiple stories of people whose families bullied them for being overweight, then bullied them for going to the gym and complained they were too thin. I was bullied for being unemployed and unproductive, but as soon as I got a job, they complained it wasn't the right one and how everything I did was wrong. They deliberately sabotage you because they don't want you to gain the money or confidence to escape the bad behaviour. They want to keep the scapegoat in their role. So they will move the goalposts like CRAZY. It's also the "crab bucket" mentality of misery loving company.

[@rwdchannel2901]

My father was fat and bald in his 60's and I was in 25 years-old and a bodybuilder. I was at breakfast with him one day and he says 'You used to be a bag of bones and now you're a bag of crap.'

[@User_8847]

“You’re gettin’ too big for your britches” 🙄

[@lynnethompson5102]

"Just who do you think you are!"

[@Shortstacksandticktacks]

My mom used to tell me that all the time! I didn't understand what she was saying. I was little. I was feeling good about myself and that wasn't allowed.

[@rwdchannel2901]

That's what the narcissist parent thinks of their 40 year-old adult child.

[@deedee0318]

I was told I was fat, and my childhood pictures show me as ‘normal’. I was told I was stupid, but my school wanted me to jump ahead 2 grades. I was told I was lazy, but I had jobs starting at age 14. I was told I was a slob, but I cleaned a house of 6 people.

[@jennacallahan1]

They’re projecting. You sound like a badass and you should be proud of yourself for how strong you are

[@deedee0318]

Thank you so much🎉

[@darray.]

i find that criticisms become the blueprint of how we see ourselves and so we work extra hard to push away from those negative depictions. For me also, everything i was criticised about, i am the opposite. I think its a control tactic, tell me im dumb so i can try extra hard and make the narc look good from my achievements, i could be wrong in your scenario. You should look up the story of Terence crawford and his mother ad how she'd constantly put him down and manipulate him as a way to get him to be a great boxer, its sad

[@TheShadowHawks97]

The other day, I got hit with the good old "We want our son back."

[@rebeccafargo]

Yes oh yes. Just disgusting for anyone to say that to someone who is getting healthy.

[@preciousgem9343]

Of course they do! But your not him anymore!

[@nikdenbak3961]

Wowww!! They said that to you?! That is crazy!! But it does show you that you're making progress 👍🏻

[@natashabaguyo9249]

My mother literally said this to me 2 months ago before I went no contact

[@TheShadowHawks97]

@@natashabaguyo9249 Yeah, that was one of many things in that conversation that pushed me to that point. Hope it's going okay for you so far

[@robertdunlap4975]

"See, you should've just listened to MEEEE." "Well, IIII can't do anything for you but I wish YOU would turn to the Lord." "I am YOUR MOTHER." "You just want SCIENCE to answer everything." "In the old days children listened to their father." "I can still take you over my knee." "I don't think you're eating right." "See, we didn't HAVE the computer when I was growing up." "See, women didn't HAVE careers when I was growing up." You are so right, this stuff just never stops and they'll attack for any reason, from any viewpoint.

[@lynnethompson5102]

I get "I am THE MOTHER!" and "Don't call me 'Mother'!" I'm 64.

[@mingo2024]

@@lynnethompson5102 yep, I'm 50 and my mother still yells at me "I am your MOTHER" while stomping her feet like a 2yr old. I just look at her with a blank face then calmly state "Your behavior is unacceptable" before I peacefully walk away.

[@truelove7751]

Mine said the same. To speak to a MOTHER like this? A MOTHER? If you love me you’ll stop doing this or that.

[@LeninChampionedUkraine]

I grew up in a religious household that was also toxic and enmeshing. In my late teens I began questioning the religion and ultimately left it. Went through all of this.

[@kat-601]

Same

[@bobsanderz3005]

It’s like your dog telling you you’re the dog

[@susannepeters3928]

😂😂😂funny, but it fits

[@marilynmcmahon5932]

If one of my kids sold leaves I would take pictures of them and be so proud of them.

[@kristahackleylmt2064]

Will you adopt me? 💕

[@kristahackleylmt2064]

That's so sweet.. you are a good person. 💕

[@madeleinegrayson8372]

Same! It's the cutest thing ever. I'd help them collect the leaves, and we'd make a groovy t-shirt with a logo! Hahaha.

[@dorothybingham3205]

My family would bully me...call it teasing...then tell me if I complained, "You wouldn't know we loved you, if we didn't tease you."

[@mingo2024]

Oh I can't stand that for you. I do not understand people who say "teasing is how we show each other we love each other". Um, that's sick and weird.

[@mariasjostrom5680]

​@@mingo2024that's like saying a punch or a bad nickname means love. Never teach anyone that violence of any kind is love. That's just pure violence and love is based on kindness.

[@Briethesupreme]

When I was growing up and changing the things I like, the way I dressed etc. She would tell me I was going through "phases" but not in a normal way, like there was something severely mentally wrong with me. It was like she literally couldn't handle me changing or growing up

[@dekalb]

I thought I was legitimately the weirdest child/teen in the world because my mom would do what yours did, along with something similar. She acted like it was extremely unnatural that I did not behave like her idea of a girly girl. She also liked to talk about my "phases" as though I could not hear or understand her (I was right there) and would also try to sound like her idea of a child development expert. Imagine saying "She's going through a phase where..." the same way an arrogant professor/researcher would. Most of my interests were not "feminine", and back then we didn't have the internet, so not only did I feel like the weirdest child in the world, but like the only person that had that particular interest. Imagine when I got the internet in the late 90s and found out not only are people into the same things I'm into, but there's thousands of them! And yes, most times the people with those interests will be men, but we can still be a part of the community and like those things as a group. I have always been treated with respect when I go to meet-ups and online communities regarding these interests, even as a woman of color not expected to like those things. No one ever has told me I don't belong there... except for my mom.

[@HeartFeltGesture]

Infantilization - The intentional derailing of your normal development into adulthood.

[@pinkraingirl]

All hell broke loose when I decided to get a Bachelors degree!

[@HeartFeltGesture]

Challenging the "loser" narrative. Surpassing them makes them so mad.

[@rwdchannel2901]

My narcissist mother went crazy when I went to get my bachelors degree. She stopped paying my tuition after claiming me using my MGI Bill was betrayal. I never agreed to let her control my MGI Bill, but she thinks I did.

[@jaylawrence4506]

I got out of a bad marriage and lived abroad during my marriage. I was 31 lbs overweight and lost it with a strict diet and exercise at the gym. I had to live with my narcissistic mother and be around my toxic family for a short period of time. My family said that going to the gym too much isn't putting "God first". Most of them are morbidly obese with health problems. They truly hate personal growth. I'm finally away from them.

[@rogueerised979]

God helps those who help themself. Glad you made it out twice! 🎉

[@mikewilkins2030]

They will show you the demon inside them when you stand up and change for the better! You will see all the pain and hate you tried to love out them! You MUST face them and rebuke the evil person! They are very dangerous but God has overcome the world!

[@bobhrycan5777]

Wonderful analysis!

[@oitall2christ]

Spot on. We tried to love the pain and hate out of them.

[@pamelariley6694]

Amen to that.

[@preciousgem9343]

Agreed!

[@sunshinesunflowerz1647]

Right on.

[@Autismteenandfam]

100% my mom and dad, they smear my name. They say they are perfect and they don't know how I became so messed up.

[@MarcieAnne-do3yq]

Same! And they are never EVER wrong! Nor will they apologize for anything…because they are never wrong! I’ve been no contact now for a few months and I have never ever had more peace. I will not tolerate this type of abuse from ANYONE ever again!

[@loraliecataldi1975]

@@MarcieAnne-do3yq how long did it take you to go no contact Marcie?? I finally went low contact with my evil mother simply because it got so bad at home with her and my 16 yr old son and I had no where to live but a friends house for awhile as they both began to treat me horribly. Never in my life did i think my son would turn on me, we where once soooo close, but in my ignorance for years since he was about 10 she methodically began smearing me behind my back to him and she undermined everything i was doing as his mother and he began to distrust me and alienation set in when he was about 11. by age 14 he really started to treat me much in the same fashion as my mother. he began to devalue me and i realized i had no parental influence anymore as she robbed me of it and delegated me to an older scapegoated crazy sister figure. thing is she didn't once assume any responsibilities as i continued to do them all from a distance and behind the scenes. while i feek some relief not being provoked and treated like i don't exist but I was merely there simply to serve like a maid and housekeeper and do all the heavy lifting, I'm also very worried about my son now because she led him to believe that he does not have special needs (autism) and my hands are completely tied now as he refuses any and all help from me. I also see he is developing some strong narcissistic traits now too, coupled with his long standing oppositional defiance Im really at a loss now as to what to do.

[@HeartFeltGesture]

@@MarcieAnne-do3yq My "mothers" go to thing to say "We dont know what weve done wrong" Actually, you know exactly what you have done, and would continue to do until you die, given the chance. At age 50, no contact for 1 year, she will never see me again.

[@krystalhenryruss5599]

My husband’s mother told his brother she was leaving my husband out of her will because we went no contact. So his brother is the only one inheriting…absolutely nothing since she doesn’t actually have anything anybody wants. Imagine her irritation when she found out we didn’t actually care and didn’t want anything from her.

[@kristahackleylmt2064]

I can't even bring friends or boyfriends around because my parents will tell stories about me from the past. Clearly stories where I was afraid or upset..embarrassed.. and they laugh and share "My" story. Never anything about me they are proud of. Just shamming. They act just as their parents did and see no reason to change. When a parent tells me their kids don't talk to them.. and they dont know why.. I call your bluff! You all know why.. I've shared with my parents "why" more times than I can count!

[@deena7155]

Or they will say "they are acting real immature" or "your therapist doesn't know what she is doing" or "your therapist is doing no good".

[@rogueerised979]

Ya got made fun of lots for talking about therapist. So stopped.

[@NotDone-bt2hz]

Not staying on the surface means I'm too intense. These people are so uncomfortable about being real Surface dwellers are petrified about facing reality

[@madeleinegrayson8372]

So true! I was just discussing this wihh my husband, and have a narc mother and enabling or narc family. I'm basically self estranged and now nc. But I was thinking a out how impossible it is to communicate with them on any level beyond superficial. They seem dumb, unable to think critically and like there's nothing inside? It's baffling.

[@Steph_Renee_RN]

This!! I got told and still do that I’m too intense for wanting deeper conversations! I just want to get to know my family on a deeper level but they don’t want that because they are so afraid to face themselves! I have had to accept that they will never want to face things and I have to stay authentic to myself regardless of if I’m too intense or not. I still struggle from time to time feeling like I don’t truly know them deeper and they don’t want to know me on a deeper level. Not easy but the self-authenticity means more than them!

[@ANewEarthInANewEnergy]

"What's wrong with you" was a common question in my childhood, delivered with vitreol, abuse etc. Thanks, Jerry, for bring all these things into our awarness.

[@patrick8116]

Constantly heard and constantly implied. Then in my teen years I was diagnosed with aspergers syndrome and any affect of the constant emotional and verbal abuse was my fault.

[@nualabb]

I got that.

[@taliajournee212]

This is so crazy, my family is incredibly dysfunctional and as the youngest girl I didn't have the language for it but I could always feel it's presence. Due to my hyper dysfunctional family I couldn't date as a teen, I started dating in my twenties. My first real relationship experienced was in my late twenties. I thought, okay things are going well around the five month mark, I thought I have to introduce him to the family, what a mistake that was. I spoke to my parents first, thankfully he wasn't with me -- she asked who he was and if he was a married man? she also asked if he had aids? I have no idea where or why she asked this. She also began yelling and screaming like a lunatic -- again I was approximately 27 YEARS OLD. Needless to say I did not bring him to meet my family and I will never bring anyone to meet them. This was one of many situations that slapped me in the face to the fact that my family of origin was sick and an unsafe group of people. They were always more worried about me 'attracting men' even though I was of age. Narcs try to keep you small, shrink you and stop you from growing. I pray that anyone going through this finds support outside (my friends are my life), therapy and healthy people you can include in your life.

[@madeleinegrayson8372]

Wow, how psychotic she is. I'm glad you got away from that.

[@charletestes2299]

What an accurate description of my parents-being a puppy to the narcissist! That is what my dad expected, a puppy who would crouch and drop ears and tail anytime he raised his voice or had "friends" over that he wanted to impress. It was especially bad when his parents were around because he expected me to be the child who proved to them what a great person he turned out to be. Somehow my being "a good kid" and "perfect" reflected on him as an adult.

[@ZeerakImran]

100%

[@ime7918]

You forget the accusation of being ungrateful, acting uppity and pretending to be smart. That I have this huge debt and should stay in my place. Thankfully I moved halfway around the world.

[@1RPJacob]

Narc parents create situation: 1. A child is declared as worthless or faulty (the role of a scapegoat is assigned). 2. If the child is 100% obedient, parents will not remind about it. 3. If the child rebels, parents remind the child that he/she is faulty (shaming). Parents inform others that the child is faulty. Whatever happens 24/7 the child is known as faulty. The good day is when parents do not mention about it.

[@AmariaZu]

Well shoot-

[@ZeerakImran]

exactly.

[@cynthiathomas5754]

How about " Your arrogant "...When you have some boundaries.

[@elgorp]

My mom likes to use "love is unconditional". I used to want to believe that.

[@megpi72]

Lol. They only know conditional love. To me that's not love.

[@madeleinegrayson8372]

That's what bad people say to justify their behavior. It's not true.

[@dafloridaman]

My entire family fits everything you described Jerry. The fear-mongering, rages, shame and jealousy goes into overdrive when I get into a relationship as a kid and as an adult. Some of my so called family members admitted right before going NC that they have sabotaged all of my relationships. 16 months NC, off the grid from them and I wish I'd done it sooner. Sadly, finding love is the one area in my life that has haunted me. Thank you Jerry as this came right on time.

[@mingo2024]

This has been my experience. I was never allowed to have a healthy, loving adult relationship separate from my mother. She always had something negative to say. "Well, I wouldn't do that if I we're you", "Anna, he's just like your father" or the kiss of death "Well, maybe it's just time for you two to call it quits". Like, woman, I'm grown! Stop constantly offering unsolicited advice and stay out of my relationship! I know that I will meet my person and get married, but I'm doing it all in private. I'm not telling anyone in my family when that time comes.

[@donnawheeler2195]

FIL always brings up the “but we’re family” card, but it’s okay to disrespect boundaries and lie, bring in the flying monkeys whenever we don’t cater to him.

[@justrosy5]

My first grade teacher actually told us "You should be ashamed of yourself!" and forced our heads down onto our desks. Stupid bat died a few years back. Don't think anyone was mourning. Teachers who do that to small children would never get away with it towards anyone older: that's the clue right there that they should be fired with no pension, no nothing.

[@cath3rine9]

One of my narc MIL’s favorites: “you really should be on medication. This isn’t like you, you aren’t well. I’m worried about you.”

[@jerrywise]

to MIL; if you go on medication I will, I promise. LOL

[@cath3rine9]

@@jerrywise that made me laugh out loud!

[@truelove7751]

Yes, my mother had said the same. Very similar. “Are you ok? Do you want me to call someone for you? I know someone who has problems and maybe you should become friends with her so you spend time with people who have problems, since you do.” Just weird stuff like that.

[@FFlores79]

My mother wants me to take my kids to Disney world. I have told her multiple times that we are not really Disney people..we aren't into Disney characters...we cannot afford Disney and we prefer to go somewhere else. She is not offering to pay for the trip she says we have to or should take. Its really rude when you think about or if she acted this way towards someone who isn't family..like a friends kids.. asking the kids if they want to go knowing what the parent has said multiple times and won't let it go.

[@cassien7585]

My narc FIL is very fixated on taking the kids to Disneyland. They wanna live in the delusion of the perfect family and the fun grandparents. The kids are terrified of parks with lots of people. They get sensory overloaded. Does he care about any of these logistics? Nope.

[@michelemiktus2312]

Do not leave your children alone w/your mother. She is working on alienating them from you. Stop it now, before it takes root. It’s a pain so deep, please protect yourself and children.

[@GummyBear1972]

The constant critiquing of my looks! My mother was always telling me to curl my hair or wear something she picked out and bought for me. Ugh ...

[@Grammamellow1]

My dad told me to read the Bible..shamed me for not knowing..assigned book reports..after I studied and read and thought I would show myself approved...he shamed me for reading it but not knowing the address of the verse..never enough..you can't win for loosing.

[@patrick8116]

Whenever I did what my father said he tried to stop me. He would gripe that I should talk and be social and then do EVERYTHING possible to make me shut up.

[@Grammamellow1]

@patrick8116 yep..programmed to believe you will never be enough .no fleshy is perfect .but by golly some of them expect you to be..and if it's a Parent that expects perfection they back it up with making you the shame to them..just so you know Patrick..you are enough to the one who Created you..God doesn't make mistakes.

[@patrick8116]

@@Grammamellow1 Thanks. I tried Christianity for a decade myself but stopped due to exhaustion and frustration. I might try it again at some point but I wonder if I might be spinning my wheels again or if there is a God.

[@Original22]

All I ever heard was , that's the best you can do or that wasn't good enough !

[@Grammamellow1]

@@patrick8116 there is A God, Father, CREATOR, 3 in One. The Holy Bible has been weaponized from its first printing. The devil is the lie. Our Father Jehovah knows the desires of our heart. His plan is not to harm us but to give us life ABUNDANTLY..I AM A SINNER SAVED BY GRACE. OUR FLESH WILL PASS AWAY BUT OUR Spirit IS ETERNAL. WE ARE LOVED WITH A LOVE BEYOND MEASURE. GOD IS LOVE. WE ARE CREATED IN HIS IMAGE. TO LOVE AND BE LOVED IN RETURN. My fleshy father let his ego get in the way of Modeling to his children the love of our Father in Heaven. Omni potent, Omni present. He will never leave or forsake us. He waits right where we left Him. He stands at the door of your heart and knocks. He does not kick down doors and force His way in. He waits in patience, and unconditional love.

[@im_noToKa]

i got my everything kicked at 10 yrs old for not having a report card comparable to the neighbour kid .. never mind my own perfect siblings yikes

[@MrMasterDebate]

My father died, he took care of my narc grandmother. And my uncle is absolutely grossly abusive because he thinks he shouldn’t have to take care of his mom. He thinks I should take on my fathers place in the family.

[@garrettmalone1420]

The whole family is that way.All of them,including all the extended people!

[@dartmouthma6892]

OMG! My family too! How did we not get swallowed up?

[@loraliecataldi1975]

On both sides of my family too and my son’s father and his girlfriend.I don’t buy into the statistical figure of their being only 5% of narcissistic people among us, I think it’s Waaaaay higher like 35%! It’s just the way the world is becoming. And I think there is definitely a demonic spiritual root to all of this malicious, ruthless madness surrounding us. I’ve also been very disheartened to see how many of my own friends who have known me from childhood and remembered how my parents treated me seem to have this fierce loyalty to my parents and won’t even acknowledge now the depths of damage it has done to my brain and my life. Only just a few that sensed my folks didn’t like them either remember and feel empathy for me. But any extended family that hasn’t been targeted in any way seem to reject and refuse to empathize with me and maintain their loyalty to my parents simply because they themselves never experienced their abuse directly. But if I told them how my mother spoke about them behind their backs they might just begin to believe me but I won’t go there. I’ve listened to my mom and dad talk a whole lot of sh*t about a-lot of people behind their backs and in their face they are charming, warm and engaging. Fact: I know who they really are, meanwhile others do not.

[@garrettmalone1420]

There is only one answer.As hard as it is,No contact!Otherwise you will be kept in the cycle.

[@garrettmalone1420]

Narcs are everywere!

[@damienfire]

Mine too!! Even my one safe person isn't 100% safe.

[@Shortstacksandticktacks]

I thought if I acted maturely they would appreciate and reciprocate. Meanwhile they're enraged and lashing out because they think they're being out classed. 😂😵‍💫

[@cindybydesign]

I remember telling my mom about a good job I had landed after going to college as an adult. Her response was, "Huh, I guess every dog has their day". I was still trying to heal at that point from a very shame based childhood. Still am I guess. I am having a very difficult time dealing with her aging and illness. She is depending on me a lot now after having little interest in me or my children for decades. Bless my heart, I thought I could deal with this but it is triggering many bad memories and feelings I thought I had dealt with long ago.

[@saravw1]

When I became a therapist my mom told me a monkey could do my job. Come to find out she was had wanted to be a therapist but couldn't finish the program (likely because she didn't have empathy). Remember your accomplishments will always threaten them and they have to say hurtful things to.manage their shame.

[@KarenKeating-t2p]

My God! The vile things that come out of their mouths. Wishing you healing and peace 🙏💛✌️

[@PrincessYvette08]

My mother is exactly like that she loves to control everyone in the family my dad and brother can be disrespectful my dad is an alcoholic when I put my own choices my mother makes me feel guilty and she criticizes me at times like why can’t I just think for myself I’m tired of this it feels like she only loves me when everything goes her way when something doesn’t go her way she won’t talk to me for a while when I make own decisions.

[@shannon299]

Thank you so much for these videos. It isn’t a topic much touched on and it’s good to break the stigma of talking about a toxic family. I’m in my mid 40’s and have never really been able to talk about my experiences within a narcissistic family. This video is on the money.

[@laurelletieman4943]

What a bright boy to sell cans of leaves!

[@Dj.D25]

Is it normal for narcissistic parents or those with narcissistic traits to be afraid of their kid learning or gaining a lot of knowledge from KZbin videos, books, podcasts, message boards, blogs, etc.? Especially if the information is mainly on self improvement, understanding themselves and independence? Or especially about the traits of healthy parenting? As though the parents are afraid the kids will put them in their place in arguments and because the parents can't properly argue, they just interpret the kid as being disrespectful and not honoring their parents. The parents may act as though what the kid is learning is a bad influence. But they can't properly explain why. All the parents see is that the child is changing and they don't like it. They feel their child is learning from the wrong kinds of people, even though these people know what they are talking about. These experts aren't crazy or promoting something out of the ordinary. Yet to most normal, mature people, when the child is making their argument, he or she is explaining how they feel or what they do is perfectly normal.

[@madeleinegrayson8372]

Yes, but watch the video. He does talk about this.

[@ArtsyMegz_On_Etsy]

Guys . . . gals . . . if someone ever says to you, "Oh, you REALLY think that you're somebody, don't you?!" Tell them, "Well, yes; I AM somebody, and so is everybody else!" I haven't heard this from my narc yet (maybe because they still aren't convinced that I have really changed yet), but I have experienced the criticizing and shaming already; while sharing their negative thoughts about me with other members of the family. There was always a little bit of criticizing and shaming here and there, but when I realized that doing everything that they wanted me to do still didn't change my scapegoating role, I started to do what made ME happy in life. They've never accepted my autistic traits, and as soon as I entered my mid-30s, I was no longer able to pretend that I was okay. And what I mean by that is, they would criticize me for not being able to handle things that most other people could, and I would just smile and nod to make them think that I was okay. But yes, the negativity from them has increased by about 10 times, and they somehow think that criticizing me, shaming me, and not accepting me is somehow going to make me want to be around them more (but I tend to do the opposite with people). I am not looking forward to Thanksgiving dinner because it will be the first time that we have spoken in 4 months, and they are without a doubt, going to wait until we are in front of everybody to bring up the fact that I haven't talked to them in 4 months (they haven't reached out to me either; they didn't even say "hi" to me when I joined a group chat with them and the rest of the family! (none of them acknowledged me when I responded to the group chat about making plans for Thanksgiving dinner actually, (and the message was sent). So yeah, I am not looking forward to Thanksgiving dinner. But if I tell them why I haven't spoken to them in 4 months, I will tell them why; and if they start criticizing me and shaming me in front of the family, I have decided that I will just leave. And then perhaps they will no longer have the expectation of me participating in family dinners, and they won't be wondering why anymore.

[@masaniazura2131]

"YOU'RE MINE! YOU BELONG TO ME!" "I'M THE MOM, YOU'RE JUST A CHILD...YOU'RE MY CHILD! AND, YOU'LL DO WHAT I SAY!" ...To all of her adult children.

[@patriciawilliams5172]

Shame is not your feeling its the systems feelings

[@spmcginnis6892]

My entire life I have been told "I'm your mother I brought you into this world I can take you out if I want". Last month she said she should've drowned me in the tub when I was an infant Never realized how messed up they were growing up they had me convinced it was me for so long

[@kaythompson2224]

Oh yes! The old favourite "I should have drowned you at birth!" Lost count how many times I heard that one

[@amberfuchs398]

It's a shame game for power and control over you. They use emotional blackmail tactics: fear, intimidation, obligation, duty, honor, loyalty, guilt, and shame for coercive control. That triggers the systems feelings. Lowering and managing our expectations for them is so important. And you're spot on about focusing on us. We are the only person we can control. We get dividends by investing in our Self. It's a bad investment to try and get others to change, as we have no control over them.

[@janepoppet3843]

"shall we just go our seperate ways, this clearly isn't working out between us" My dad to me in my 50s when for the first time ever I broached all the violence and abuse.

[@michelleholmes5251]

My dad too, last year…I was 51! I said “okay, if that’s what you feel you need to do”. I was very calm, neutral, pretty much disassociated…2 weeks later, random text wishing me a Happy Birthday 🙄 They’re so predictable. I just ignored it. I was done with that cycle of abandonment from him/them.

[@shihtzuluvrtwo6386]

You're so much like your father! Sons reply:"if he was so bad, why did you marry him and have us"? I'm glad I'm like my dad! Talk about sourpuss face when he said that to his N.

[@sharlharmakhis280]

When I expressed a different opinion from my enabler mother she gave me a faux-worried look and asked 'Did someone on the internet tell you that?' 🙄 ffs mother autism doesn't make one a permanent child.

[@user-oh3oo7qt2s]

I know my mother so often sounds like she reads out of the dysfunctional mother textbook, but some of these examples sound like you put microphones in my parents' house 40 years ago and put the stuff they said in the video! (I'm in module 6 of The Road to Self, and it's great. I'm looking forward to listening to the Scapegoat program there next!)

[@darinsmith2458]

It is not just the family but I recreate that shame system wherever I go.. What would I do if I did not have to deal with shame?.. For me it is not just absorbing the shame.. My question changes to "What would I be doing if I wasn't under attack?"

[@monkeyrater]

A lot of people say you should feel sorry for narcissistic parents because they probably had abusive narcissistic parents too. Im quite sure that is almost NEVER the case. Most people I know who have a narcissistic personality came from a privileged family background and were the golden child of their family. They have a sense of entitlement because thats all they have ever known. There is no way to 'fix' these people, this is the way they WANT to live. Trying to tell them they are abnormal or dysfunctional is the biggest waste of time that anyone could ever do.

[@igormendoncacanga2569]

Another appreciative video. Came just in time. I'm growing and my parents are anything but supportive, they don't even know how to give support. Everything you say Doctor Wise is this man's life.

[@cfarina5470]

I survived a very difficult childhood and today I had an insight as to why I can’t open mail or read texts. I realized that I retreat from contact that is unfriendly or terse or downright unfair because actually, I’m angry. And I repress it. I must have learned that from childhood. Do you have any insights into this phenomenon? Thank you for all you do. Thank you very much.

[@HawaiiGaymer]

I struggle to open texts and read my mail too. I'm glad I'm not alone.

[@mesina84]

I had to move home to my father last year with my 3 boys due to burnout from constant medical appointments for my middle child. It started out ok but in less than a month, everything changed. "How dare you do your own thing?" " What you make money? Ha". My father treated my eldest son (18) like he could do nothing wrong but the moment my eldest boy went to friends for a weekend. My father would became someone completely different. My father has never called me names in my whole life, bitch, cow, selfish cunt, nagging whore. No idea where this person come from. Though it makes sense when growing up my father worked from 5am to 5-6 pm 5-6 days a week. So he never really had to parent. The moment I called my father out for his behaviour, instant abuse, hitting me and trying to hit my boys. We left i have gone no contact with my whole family even extended i got threats from them. My children and i have been homeless since then be so much freer. The grief i feel is constant, trying to put the pieces back togather. My eldest son is still in contact with them, although they have no leverage with him as he says "mums not here for them to threaten anymore."

[@rachelscoltockangelmedium]

God, that's beyond awful. I'm glad you got away.❤ Well done.

[@phdpursuinghigherdimensions]

After utilizing alternative medicine to overcome a serious motor vehicle accident and studying to help others…”Take your hippie dippie sh!t to the southwest and keep it away from MY family.” (Said mom). Health and maturity were not rewarded. Omg! That’s not the way we talk, act, behave. Wow! I am so grateful you’re here to provide validation. 🙏

[@madeleinegrayson8372]

I wonder how many holistic and alternative healing community members have come out of these narc abuse situations. Because that's been my journey as well.

[@madeleinegrayson8372]

Oh yes, my already crappy relationship with a narc mother went turbo toxic when I hit 30, moved 2,000 miles away and finally became a whole person of my own. Woooo boy, that was a wild time. You find out who someone is the first time you say no. My mother asked if I was in a cult when I said I wasn't visiting and stayed calm, wouldn't fight, lol. Unreal.

[@matikramer9648]

Pitty .. I wonder, what I could have become professionally if I could have "normal" parenting... Would I have become some scientist...would I still hold to decency and fairness as important for me as I am holding now ? Thank you very much, Jerry It just opens up for me totally new perspective on very dark period of my life when I came back under their roof long ago in need of assistance and support. They saw how I changed and were not able to accept it, nor comprehend it, nor were able to ask simple questions to try and understand me... Nor do I knew yet how to talk with them... I just wanted my mom's love and support, but became enemy No 1... Unbelievable. Young mother with the bunch of small children on the hands becomes target no 1 for what? To break me down totally and to put me beneath the ground... What the extraordinary cruelty... By no other than grandmother...

[@madeleinegrayson8372]

I've wondered the same. I was so shut down, so stunted and devoid of confidence for so long.

[@marciestoddard730]

Same. They sat there and seemed encouraged at times i was worse. ​@@madeleinegrayson8372

[@susannepeters3928]

You find/found the exactly words for the "lost in universe people" with you I grow every day. Thank you so much❤Back in the universe, with Jerry Wise😊❤

[@mancdec]

They don't like you talking to others even a partner for sure. When you change, I've had said " You'll regret this! " 😒

[@amandagish5976]

Once again, this series of your videos is so healing! I think you grew up in my family at times, it's so scary how accurate you are about what happens in my family. I told my dad to stop interfering with my car repairs, he got so angry and told me, "fine, your on your own". I said "I know that, I've been an adult for 40 years". He hated that so much. But you've really helped me learn what is happening.

[@DHW256]

Jerry, once again you accurately describe our mother and her abuses. I was the one family member who openly confronted her, which made me her primary scapegoat. Seeking the approval of my parents and others, I became a scholar and gifted artist, while my siblings became anti-social and escape artists. Mom did all she could to make up the difference by attacking me in front of the family, teaching them how to be abusive in her vein. Eventually Mom started lashing out in public: everything I said or did was purposely misconstrued and used against me. The greater the accomplishment and/or the loftier the praise, the more condemning and ridiculous was her attack. I finally walked away. It gets old seeing the shock on everybody's faces.

[@logochi5036]

The other day my narc mom got mad that she had to complete a home improvement project by herself. She was angry at me and when I asked her directly why I was "in trouble" for not helping with a project she never even mentioned needing done.. she said "Bc it(the project needing to be done) was sitting there in the first place". 😂😂

[@horsegal1971]

My mother directly told me "shame on you" or "I'm so disappointed in you ". I heard it my entire life.. it's no wonder I'm the way I am now.. no confidence.. sick to death if I can't respond correctly to even a simple text...

[@maddiredfern]

My Nmom just passed away and the part about lowering expectations is so true. It wasnt until she was lying in her deathbed that I realized that she never was going to change and never would have even if she had more time. Your videos have been helpful trying to navigate this complicated grief.

[@kdjourney51]

Thanks for explaining the inheritance is a family super self shaming. And when we defend ourselves or feel betrayed by odd inheritance statements the reactions are us being labeled: our greed- and unlovingness- when we are simply attempting to not be smeared with the shame they are projecting. It’s an echo from the past (we’ve proudly recovered from). And when they attempt to flood us and return us to a low worth… and low integrity and we prove it by defending ourselves and being labeled… The family system has a glee about it- returning you to your low position. It’s a highly excited state for the family. It soothes everyone’s roles a superiority/hierarchy. Integrity feels so much cleaner. There is no reason to be connected to these people. Their shame will have to remain with them.

[@pinkroses135]

It's so easy to hit that shame with maturity when they want to put you in the parent role but they don't want to claim full accountability for their feigned helplessness or embarrassment. The baby wants to have its cake and eat it too.

[@labradonretriever2043]

I became serious about my life, embraced a truthful stance, no longer utilizing deflecting humor to cope. I dove into the low carb diet, lost 184lbs, cleaned up my debt, and began to invest in my future. My mother says, "you've changed and have no sense of humor anymore..." Their humor consists of putting others down, then saying I'm just kidding, don't be so sensitive. Thank you for this video. I've found it at the perfect time!

[@angieharris8015]

Do you know my parents? I'm convinced that you do!!! woww

[@tessellatiaartilery8197]

Absolutely spot on in your description of the family dynamics. I agree that any way to view the unhealthy behavior as the narcissist being emotionally and mentally unwell makes it so much easier to stop being affected adversely, it becomes a sort of emotional Teflon shield that works! Thank you always for your brilliant videos and kind, encouraging manner. All the best to you and the other viewers on this excellent channel. 😊❤

[@sarahpinho1114]

First of all, this channel is the best resource I've found for recovery from trauma, and I've been looking for decades. Next, I want to share more about myself on here, as it's becoming a safe and familiar place. I have two selves; trauma child-self and adult Wise/healthy self. On my medication I can access Wise self and she soothes trauma child. Off my medication Wise self is somehow paralyzed, and I become Trauma self again, who feels only dread, fear, disconnect, emptiness and despair. She fantasizes of dying, though she has no plan.. just the thought of leaving this body and life brings comfort. She cries, and tries to soothe herself, but she needs help. I start taking my medication again and slowly, as it beings to take effect, Wise self comes back. She's calm, and in charge. I'm safe when she's here, and I start to feel good, even a sense of well-being. She takes care of me, like a mother. I'm okay, as long as I keep taking the medication.

[@aleksandrakrivokuca64]

Youre so right ! I believe that one narcissist in the family always need and have his enablers. Living in a family like this is like living in the cult. P.S thank you for sharing the part of your childhood with us ❤

[@Bcarv615]

Jerry💪🏽 Jerry 💪🏽Jerry💪🏽! 😂 Love this guy. Always speaks facts.

[@jerrywise]

The best

[@MatriartNet]

Yes. I’ve been there so much.

[@kristahackleylmt2064]

Their legacy, do they care at all? I'm writing my story, no one is exempt. None of the behaviors of the narcissist are healthy. How do you feel when you're being a shxthead opposed to being kind? Negativity creates disease in the body and I watched my negative Grandma and dad die awful deaths recently. They did that to themselves. Narcissists make themselves sick and unhealthy.. and spread the toxicity to whoever is in the line of fire. It was sad as anything and also somewhat justifying to watch my dad treat me and the Dr like shxt in hospice. He couldn't hold the mask up and his true self was shining through. I hope we live more lives so I can choose empathetic, kind parents. Thank you for this channel. I've lived 49years on earth.. suicidal.. and now since the Government Plandemic2020.. so many experts in the field of narcissism have come to the surface! I'm forever grateful to know I'll be ok! I've just been attacked my whole life by the public, family, and people who say they love me the most. I'm a Licensed Massage Therapist who helped thousands of people until 3/2020 AZ Govt shutdown. I finally had time to research.. and truly all of you experts, including you #Jerry and the Disneyland live vloggers have saved my life. I'm spending the rest of my life writing, vlogging, inspiring, and sharing TRUTH with the world! God bless you all .. especially those who have suffered so much abuse throughout their entire lives! We are still here on earth and have great purpose! 🙏 Leave the haters behind and live your best, healthiest life!

[@dio69666]

I get exactly what you mean when you say we live in a narcissistic family even though we aren't narcissists. But we live in a narcissistic society too. The best evidence is how most of us were raised by our bio parents instead of adopted

[@trying2survive602]

Jerry, when you were talking about your dad being the basketball coach, I thought that if you were any good at basketball, your dad would have been angry about that too. It would have brought his jealousy to the surface. So, either way, you wouldn't win. Not being good at basketball wasn't good enough for him, but if you were good that would be wrong too.

[@patriciamurphy6559]

Oh yes, since my recovery from addiction 4 yrs ago, the narcissistic family members have given me such a hard time, and more and more so, the more l change and grow into a happier, successful person. There's no encouragement for my growth, success in business, oh no, just reminders of what l did in the past, doubts and suspicions about my successes, yuck, just awful, such sick individuals! I ignore and continue with my wonderful life now! And ofcourse listen to you to keep me from letting them get to me. It's almost as if they want me back in my "place!" Thank you so very much for your videos. Helping so many! ❤😊❤

[@dameanvil]

00:00 🗣 Introduction to the topic of narcissistic parents shaming children for self-improvement. 00:30 🤔 Explanation that families and narcissistic individuals use shame to revert changes in behavior. 01:15 😠 Examples of shaming include bullying and intergenerational intimidation. 02:50 🚫 Narcissistic homes do not reward maturity and self-improvement. 04:55 😱 Fear tactics are used by narcissistic parents to discourage change. 06:10 💔 Personal anecdote illustrating shaming through childhood experiences. 07:30 🏀 Example of being shamed for not living up to family expectations in sports. 08:50 🧩 Families resist changes that do not fit the narcissistic or dysfunctional paradigm. 09:50 😡 Direct shaming and criticism occur when attempting to grow and mature. 10:40 ⚠ Threats and unfair inheritance practices are used to control behavior. 11:50 🧠 Importance of lowering expectations to avoid getting hurt by narcissistic behaviors. 13:50 📖 Encouragement to focus on personal growth and detachment from family shaming. 15:30 🔄 Recognizing and rejecting the systems feelings of shame instilled by family dynamics. 16:50 🎯 Asking key questions to understand the impact of shame and envision a life without it.

[@bereal6590]

It's taken me til near 60 and listening to this video to even realise how my parents treated me when as a mature student at 30 I decided to get my degree (best thing I ever did), it basically was the way I was always treated. My father refused to drive me with mynstuff (later relenting when someone else offered), my mother showed zero emotion and said nothing, not a word of encouragement. When they dropped me off mynfather laughed because I was so nervous, my mother said nothing. Throughout the 3 years no help with finances, no validation or encouragement. On graduation day same, after, same. Then came my father comparing me to a distant relative he said got a phd, he did NOT! My mother telling me it didn't get me a better job. Then I was about to do my masters 8 years ago and got sick chronic illness and couldn't do it. I've no doubt I could have done it if I was well, again nothing, no support for being ill, no commiserations at my loss. Same when I was learning to dive whe I was 20, no encouragement or help.They never wanted me to do well or god forbid better than them!

[@Shannon_Stamm]

When I was a child, "That's not lady-like."

[@eottoe2001]

One of the problems with John Bradshaw & Thomas Moore was his elevating shame as something spiritual and "healthy" when most of my experiences dealing with shame were about being put down or put in my place. There isn't anything lofty about it. It wasn't that you did something wrong, it was you did something wrong and you were a bad person, too. Healthy shame, pfff! TY for the video.

[@jessiewilks7035]

I'm being told I'm a bad daughter for wanting to move to a new town and I can't help but believe it's true

[@LLove-fi9xp]

My father laughed at me when I decided to change how I eat. He said you must be 1 of those meatless people and laughed about it.

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

My mother said "I hope you can become the person you were supposed to be". But she means "change BACK". Ie, absorb our put downs, and don't have any visible reaction to being labelled sensitive, paranoid, emotional,( then later) angry, aggressive..... let us label YOU and don't object. Just nod agree with us that you are sensitive, awkward, emotional, aggressive et cetera.

[@montena369]

Yep i always get criticized because im not a childish adult and they always talk trash about me and try to down play these videos i watch on narcissist abuse because its been helping me grow but i did recognize 🤪 i can't keep a straight face around them now that im awear of all this narcissistic knowledge 😂 im always calling them out on there bs which is just making it worse for me lol so im tryna learn new ways of copping

[@kristahackleylmt2064]

@JerryWise Can you please share more of the Narcissist research between sibblings and relatives. I'm estranged from family and it's so difficult on me emotionally. I'm a healer, HSP, INFP, empath, cancer sign, and I feel sometimes like the world is against me. 😢 All I've ever wanted to do really is feed the world and inspire them. Now at 49years old, I'm doing just that.. feeding the hungry and lifting up communities through sharing my knowledge and inspiring greatness and dreams within everyone who will listen! Our time is short here on earth and I chose to walk into the light.. instead of cursing the darkness! It's a daily battle, as no one on earth is perfect.. all I can do is my best everyday and keep learning and changing for better! Lots of blessings, love, and hugs to all of you struggling a similar battle. We will prevail! 💕

[@jerrywise]

Stand strong and focus on your self differentiation❤️ You might find my video on narcissistic siblings helpful kzbin.info/www/bejne/bYXUn6F_es2qgtksi=tZQjM4uyzRuVkfcy

[@stereo.romance]

Exactly what I needed to hear!❤

[@Chichimee]

Thanks Wise man 😎

[@dartmouthma6892]

“‘You’re too stupid to be a nurse”. “Did you enjoy the Christmas Concert, mom? “ Yes! The intermission was great!”

[@Imissyoulou]

Yes, my egg donor ALWAYS said I was too dumb to go to school. After I got away from her, I returned to school and after 12 years, I graduated from college with a BA. Returned later, and acquired a MA. She had to accept that FACT that I was a college grad, 2 months before she died.

[@maggiesalle2256]

@@Imissyoulou Congratulations!!

[@dartmouthma6892]

@@Imissyoulou Yup! Congratulations! I made her go to my nurse pinning ceremony!!! Lol

[@Imissyoulou]

@@dartmouthma6892 and congratulations to you also. The bottom log will always rise to the top.

[@Imissyoulou]

@@maggiesalle2256 Thank you Maggie.

[@FreeElf25]

Thank you for doing these videos

[@jerrywise]

Glad you like them!

[@irinamladenoska7539]

​​@@jerrywisewhen I started to individuate (at 49), she said that I am not "her's" anymore, she said that I should call her, not her me, and that it is on purpose, she was enmashed compleatly and she was infantilizing me and make decissions for me. And I was triangulated about the inheritance with my kids, can you immagine?

[@irinamladenoska7539]

​@@jerrywiseif I do not feel shame, the connection would be different (I would give up the fantasy and accept the truth), the coonection would be superfitial, I woild be more self differentiated and I would just hwlp her for her health problems, but my inner child would not expect anything in a form of love. The inner child would be protected by my grown up me.

[@laurelletieman4943]

Spot on word-for-word! Great insight!

[@SAD-ij8in]

I suffered from suicidal ideation as a teen and y.a. By the time, i was 30, i had enough counseling and relgious support that i began to change and feel emotionally healthy. My mom was the one who pushed me to go to counseling. As i got well, she often made fun of me for the things i was learning. When i began to put up boundaries with her by mid forties she started smear campaingns and dragged me to counseling wiyh her where she told the counselor she liked me better when i was a teen and suicidal "because we were close snd i leaned on her" That was my wake up moment when i finally saw her for who she really was. It was very sad.

[@HawaiiGaymer]

I love that you sold leafs Jerry 😂 that's adorable

[@whatthis4366]

Jerry,whenever i need you most, your teaching pops up. What a synchronacity! Thank you!

[@jerrywise]

Wonderful!