Narcissists and the SELF-BLAME inversion

[@Al-zg5qf]

5 ways Self blame shows up in narcissist relationships: 1. Constant apologising 2. Walking on eggshells & chronic appeasing 3. Self blame even not your fault 4. Over preparation & doing everything (so narcissist will not blame you) 5. Mind-read to anticipate for narcissist's need/want/respond

[@yukio_saito]

Thank you for making the list 🗒✍

[@sushmayen]

They blame us for their shortcomings. They expect us to be responsible for their actions.

[@tlove6932]

🔥🔥🔥Yes, and they believe (or put on the aire) that they, themselves have NO shortcomings, faults or vices. Agree!💯💯💯©️

[@carlbenz9807]

What behaviour have you shown, when you were 5 years old? 😉 You probably expected Mama to fix everything for you and love you no matter what you do. The problem is the n. still is 5 years old but wants to be treated like this absolutely amazing adult person they believe they are

[@BL-sd2qw]

THIS!!!! 👆

[@dianatenney7821]

Yes they do when I haven't found a faultless or emotionless human including myself in all my years on this hectic planet.

[@FlayreNoah]

Yy​@@carlbenz9807

[@yasminenasser-rafi3696]

Actually they really think they are virtuous and selfless.

[@tlove6932]

🔥Narcissists believe they are ENTITLED to be treated better than everyone else. No matter what.⚠️©️

[@BuckleyThompson]

Sexlessness. Sharing a bed with someone who doesn’t acknowledge you are a sexual being hurts so much. I was in a sexless marriage for years. Being a woman with a high libido, I felt inadequate. Worst I feel invisible. The man who was “supposed” to want me, just didn’t. We talked about it many times, more than I can recall now. It was always me. I wanted too much - once a week was too much for him. I didn’t initiate - he was always complaining of headaches, stomaches, always stressed, always tired. I was too sexual - when being subtle doesn’t work, what is next? Explicitly saying I wanted sex. Oh but then it was not appropriate. Conversations would end up with him saying he didn’t feel desired or I made him feel emasculated because he didn’t want sex as much as I did. Yeah, it was always me. I could never win. While we were dating we would have a decent amount of sex, it was good. The first huge red flag was not having sex in our honeymoon - which I ignored. It rapidly decrease to once a week, then every other week. Years gone by it was months in between, by the time we divorced it was over a year with no sex. I cried myself to sleep more times that I can count. I didn’t understand what was wrong with me. Was I that undesirable? Was I repulsive? After those conversations, I just stopped trying, initiating, mentioning sex. We were still loving - holding hands, hugging, kissing - but sex was off the table. He then cheated on me. Swore he had sex only 4 times in a year (or more) long affair. It didn’t matter. For years my self worth was damaged by him, years of low self esteem, years of feeling less of a woman, the marriage that was more than over, waiting in hospice, really ended. Funny how things are, I asked him for a divorce, he manipulated me into staying, next day his infidelity came to light. I was out as soon as I could. Best thing of my life. Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when he or she do it again. The best thing is to hire a private investigator Digitalinvestigate@gmail. com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me...

[@cymbolichuman433]

I had no self esteem for a long time. One day I realized that I like me better than I liked them. It was illuminating! After that realization, I did come out of this due to will and having talent. As time went on I did stupid things in reaction to the abuse. Then I realized that being stupid doesn't help the situation. I quit defending myself, because I know I don't have say sh*t to them.

[@waywardstitch8604]

Same. And for me I had been so deeply rooted in self-hatred for so long that it was a SHOCK when I realized/remembered that I liked myself much better than I liked them. At the same time I realized they hated themselves even more than they hated me, only they don't know that either.

[@starletd.1673]

I do too. I know that I have the truth on my side. I’m just finding it hard to be the pariah in the neighborhood & in the entire family. A family of cousins he never even talked too until he moved to NC, built a custom home, bought an 75,000 pick up truck & his wife a BMW. Then I told him our cousin Sheri’s husband died, someone he never met, never knew. As a matter of fact, he asked which cousin Sheri was and I told him “dad’s niece.” Then I had to further explain “dad’s brother (name,) and auntie (name.) A few days later he & my cousin are FB friends & she is thrilled because none of dad’s family had seen my brother since he was a little boy and he reaches out to them for the very first time in his late 50’s. Suddenly he is like a God to everyone in the family and mom, dad and we’re soon dropped. My cousin has been one of my very best friends our entire life, all of sudden I am nobody. He’s done the same thing with my maternal cousins as well. Mom said, “your brother as always changed the narrative of every story, since he was less than five years old.” He can convince a snake it’s a rabbit. I swear he has a harmful, yet powerful & incredibly persuasive power over people. I just can’t believe the cousins who’s side I’ve stood next to, cultivating close friendships with, believe my brother, (the newbie,) over me. I am an outcast now & I cry every day. I know my brother isn’t worth my tears, but even the kids in the neighborhood are shunning me. What kind of parent teaches a child to behave in such a way? It’s just all too much.

[@jessicaabbott10]

SAME!!!! I went from one poor coping strategy to another, from alcohol abuse to immature verbal retaliation. So either I was hurting myself, or I was appearing as the unhinged one, or both. Nothing I did helped until I literally completely removed myself from the dynamic.

[@PhD1986]

This is me to a T. I'm in my 70s now, and listening to these youtube clips, I'm finally putting things together and having some vivid memories. One is from my ten-year-old self. We moved into a new house. My parents had a nice bedroom. My sister had a lovely sunny corner bedroom, painted a nice blue with windows in 2 walls. I had a room which did not have a window (due to a remodel when plumbing was added) and was barely big enough to hold a twin bed. (I had trouble making my bed because of the lack of space.) In between our bedrooms was a large, pleasant yellow room with windows. My mother insisted this room be used for storage although it remained mostly empty. I'm sad that my needs were considered of no importance and even more sad that my self-esteem had already been so obliterated it didn't occur to me that I deserved better. Thanks, Dr. Ramani. I just received my copy of It's Not You.

[@jrhc3827]

Truth-teller day! I had spent the night at Mom's to help her. I had the audacity to correct her--kindly but in front of someone. It was important that the third person--a contractor--have this added piece of data. I was treated with such hateful disrespect in front of the guy. Sneers, eye-rolling, and such a look of rage and disgust, as if I were her annoying 5-yr-old. I got dressed, packed up my stuff, and left, telling her, calmly, that I will not tolerate hatefulness and disrespect. Oh the RAGE!! Luckily I was halfway down the driveway before she slammed the door. I acted on my boundaries and now will do my best to find the peace in radical acceptance as I drive home.

[@chess.6507]

Well done! 👏👏👏 My mother is the same way, it's a good thing to recognise the patterns and set boundaries

[@caroleminke6116]

No Contact plz

[@triawillow1972]

Keep watching Dr Ramani videos, I got her book and it's LIFE CHANGING to say the least. Dr Ramani will get you through it Sis. Sending healing love your way💜🌟💫

[@glenyshill72]

Have today donated a copy of Dr Ramani's 'It's Not You'' to local Adult Mental Health Services (NHS) and Town (free) Library in my very rural area of the UK. Very gratefully and thankfully received by both settings. :)

[@jrhc3827]

@glenyshill72 Great idea! I'll do the same with my copy at some point, but for now I have many pages bookmarked. :)

[@MoranaPetrovic]

"They gaslight themselves before they gaslight you" - this echoes through my head, especially when Dr said they genuinely believe they are good people...

[@jeanhickman6678]

My narcissistic X once told me……… We went on a buying trip to LasVegas for a retail store we owned at the time. I was that person that did it ALL! I always packed his suitcases for anywhere we went. I did everything and his job was to show up to everything as the honored guest. When he realized at the hotel that I had forgotten his belt he went ballistic!! (We were at the Bellagio and the cheapest one was $450.00 😂😂) He yelled….”that’s the last damn time you’ll EVER get to pack my suitcases!”……. At which time the rose colored glasses flew off and I literally started laughing (that could have been dangerous😂) and after 23 years of this I could finally see!! WE EXIST NO LONGER!!

[@HopeHalligan-x6m]

Thank God you forgot the damn belt. What an ass. I am glad you are FREE of him!

[@jeanhickman6678]

@@HopeHalligan-x6m Yes….he was a OVERT narcissist…….now I’m with a COVERT (which I also knew nothing about at the time). I have 12 years into this one and I’m tired. Looking for a way out….then I’m writing a book!!! Thank GOD for Dr. Ramani!!

[@Nibiru3600X]

The last time you’ll ever “get to” haha OMG, as if you were living life solely for the pleasure of packing his sh*t! Ugh I’ve been there 🤦‍♀️ The sheer entitlement can be laughable at times. I’m glad you’re out! 🙌💖

[@CodeDusq1]

Self-blame is very common in narcissistic relationships as the narcissist constantly makes their partner doubt themselves and feel like everything is their fault. This type of dynamic is what fuels the narcissist in order to feel in control of their supply while making them feel trapped and helpless. One has to really be able to recognize these manipulative tactics as a step to break free and reclaim their self-worth and agency.

[@chellotrevino7323]

If your soft just say that why would you self blame yourself yah so scary it’s not even funny 😂😂

[@Sehill0011]

​@@chellotrevino7323 spoken like a true narcissist

[@chellotrevino7323]

@@Sehill0011 imma super empath ty your supposed to mirror narcissist yah just soft and pussy

[@BL-sd2qw]

THIS!!! YOU SELF-BLAME BECAUSE *YOU ARE BEING BLAMED*

[@maevebutler4641]

The sheer exhausting memory of packing a summer picnic for the beach with the children I remember the stress while also being aware the entire details of everything fell on my shoulders & and forever, feeling it was never good enough while getting no help whatsoever & blaming myself for not doing it perfectly! I only wish I could speak to my younger self & advise her re what & how to get the heck out of that toxic entanglement and convince her of her strength & and self-worth I can tell her now that "It's not you" 🎉

[@bets8483]

Yep, it is like, “I am a good person. I have been good with you. What have I done to you?” They believe they are perfection with no faults. Yeah, right

[@carolynkepler2826]

My Mother really believed that she was “good”. As long as no one saw her behavior at home, she could maintain that image. Only recently have I come to understand that other people saw through her. After a while, she didn’t have any friends and was completely dependent on me.

[@lisatannenbaum2310]

I learned a lot about my parents, both narcissists, after they died. Most of what I learned made me dislike them even more.

[@christinehall238]

This video is spot on! I’m still learning to keep my mouth shut.

[@kristischark5590]

I blamed myself for years for the anger and resentful feelings I had toward my narcissistic dad. Figured it was because I was just a bad person, and I prayed to be more loving and compassionate toward him. Soon after being educated on narcissism (thank you!) and experiencing an awakening, I started blaming myself for not seeing what was so obvious and not setting boundaries sooner. 🤦‍♀️ But, I’m glad to say I no longer blame myself for these things.

[@waywardstitch8604]

Yes, I did the same, blaming myself for treating the narc so badly, then blaming myself for not seeing the signs sooner, then blaming myself for not healing faster. When the self-blame hamster wheel starts turning, and then you realize you shouldn't be doing that, it can take a while before the self-blame stops.

[@kristischark5590]

@@waywardstitch8604 I like that metaphor of the “self-blame hamster wheel.” I think that describes it pretty well.

[@starletd.1673]

My brother blames me for everything. His entire life he blamed our mom. February 2023, I stood up for mom & stood up for me too against his bullying. He turned a lifetime of blame & hatred to me. Unfortunately we live in the same neighborhood. I am now the most hated, most shunned person in the neighborhood. I cry every day.

[@waywardstitch8604]

Sorry for you. Those neighbors who believe your brother are demonstrating they aren't worth much anyway. By believing him they're just showing you how little real value they have in your life. And they're showing you it's time to look elsewhere for much better friends. You deserve so much better.

[@marieMarie3561]

OMG, the mind-reading phenomenon is so apparent with narcissistic bosses. There is no communication, stone-walling, all the works ... you work overtime checking your work eight times, and they will find the one little inconsequential mistake you made. They especially like to nitpick projects that they know you have taken pride in and in your area of strength, almost like they get off on tearing down your self-esteem and taking you down a couple notches (/s). Probably quite similar to what happens in relationships with pwNPD (although my experience is mostly in the workplace).

[@raisingelephant]

If they believed they are good persons, wouldn't they see no need to wear masks? They do wear masks and often. Act with cruelty when they feel protected by impunity. But minutes later, act as if they were kind and respectful when their impunity expires.

[@waywardstitch8604]

Yes, a few youtubers talk about the narc's mask. When the mask is on you see the fake-nice person, the image the narc wants to display in order to suck in their prey, so we can't see what's really behind the mask. And when the mask slips that's when you see the real horror behind the mask. The mask is always slipping and being put back on. The narc puts it back in place and pretends that what you saw never happened.

[@waywardstitch8604]

And I also agree, on some deep level they do know they're fake, or else why would they keep putting the mask back on? Afterall, in order to deceive and lie they have to have some type of awareness of where the truth is. But most of them lack self-awareness, so they don't even know that they are huge fakes. I think if they could see the truth about themselves they'd be filled with even more unbearable self-loathing.

[@Anton-qc1fk]

It is subconscious. They have reasons for doing things that sound sometimes almost noble, and then will excuse their own actions with either moral arguments sprinkled with the fundamental attribution error. it takes a tremendous amount for them to see that they have convinced themselves otherwise. I say this as one who has recently discovered this reality. I still can’t even describe the self delusion that can go into cases of narcissistic tendencies that the narcissist themselves don’t even understand or are aware of. I can’t imagine many others have done this because this is horrific and an entire reality inversion as it is facing the reality that I and what I have believed has been fraudulent in so many ways. Loss is the only way these people and people like me can learn, and even then it’s up to the person to choose to either rationalize or accept. And we are VERY good at rationalizing. It’s almost a defense mechanism. Especially as an intellectual narcissist

[@kathyparker5009]

Our reputation and our goodness protects them. They see it as their own.

[@percubit10]

I had been through this and was around this kind of person who totally destroyed me.

[@ruz4120]

Even when the self-blame stops and you leave the relationship, it is painful that they don’t see the pain they caused you and actually think they are a good person (don’t bother to pause for a sec and reflect, and feel bad that they harmed another person).

[@rachelhanna7718]

My narcissist is always saying what a good person he is and how he didn't do anything wrong...this "anything" he "didn't do" includes mental and physical abuse of me and our two older girls and him cheating on me, his wife, right after our third child was born.

[@Animalsrights816]

I’m 4th in line for a hold on your new book from the library up the street🎉🎉 makes moving here and having access to better public libraries worth it ❤❤❤

[@lionheartklaric3729]

I was blamed for narcs' cheating, raging, silent treatment, lying and stonewalling. I internalised it and this has been a huge issue for me. Somehow my behaviour or just existence caused all of this. The last covert was exceptionally unpleasant to me but said he was a kind person and even empathetic. Eugh

[@Jasmine_breeze]

Oh my Gods! How many years I wasted blaming myself for the terrible behavior of narcissistic people in my life! So many years of constant guilt and self-improvement. Now I look back at it and I can't believe that I was so addicted to the opinions of permanently dissatisfied narcissists! Moreover, I thought it was normal because I was worse - that's what my abusive mother train me. If I ever meet Dr. Ramani in real life I will give her a "full Namaskaram" because she's my Guru. This holy woman saved the rest of my life! She showed and explained in her videos and I understood: it wasn't me! Their dissatisfaction is not my fault. And as for whether narcissistic people consider themselves good people? Of course they do! They are completely blinded as to their actions. It's always someone else's fault how they act. The best example is my mother. She did things to me for which she should and can still go to prison (the statute of limitations has not expired), and she criticizes others who did such things to other children! She knows that evil is evil and what is evil and... she doesn't feel any remorse, she hasn't apologized for anything and she certainly won't do it until her death. She believes in her innocence, despite the penalties she could face. No, unfortunately it is impossible to explain anything to people with this disorder. They really have no empathy and no sense of responsibility for what they do to others. But, they can pretend to be a... victim! A very fact of telling them what they did to you is called violence. My mother once repirted my to police for...talking about violence. They lecutured her, about domestic violence and... contacted me instead of "putting me to jail". The police officer asked me, very kindly to...report my mother, because for them she is still an abuser! She is an old woman. What a mess! So, the best way is to avoid contact with narcissistic people, as far as possible. And if you have to, digress as much as you can. See yourself through your eyes. Narcissistic people won't make you feel good. You have to take care of yourself here 😊❤🙏

[@RandyBrady2024]

Spot on, this is the crap I went through for years. Now till June 2027, I'm in a gradual, controlled contact. I'm a co parent for now, Otherwise I would be long gone.

[@JohnyK07]

What scares me most about these topics is... If narcissists truly believe they are nice people, how can I be sure I'm not one of them? I feel like I'm the nice person on the relationship being wronged, but... isn't a narcissist thinking the exact same? When we fight and we both throw blame around, who is actually right? I've had fights where I felt their reaction was toxic and manipulative, but they pointed out the exact same back about actions of mine, and I can't help but kinda agreeing in my mind that some might have been (?). That I may have been inconsiderate or reckless with words sometimes, and I could totally see where they were coming from, in a way... Even the title of the book reminds me of this problem... "IT'S NOT YOU"... well, right but... what happens when it is a narcissist that grabs that book and reads it? It is them! But the book will probably be filled with examples validating their opinion on how they are the ones being wronged. Are there any books specifically for people to access if they are being narcissists or not? People will say this is self-blame all over again... but I can't shake the thought that I truly have no way to know for sure.

[@rachael501]

I feel that, I know because I am very aware of my faults and have been actively trying to work on them for years. I wouldn't even necessarily say I'm a nice person, I'm just A person. And while there are things that happened in the relationship that I can 100% say were not me, there are other things that were at least 75% me. Admittedly it was my first relationship so idk what to make of it all.

[@glenyshill72]

These are good and fair points/concerns that you both raise. If it were me, I would reassure myself based on the fact that I am capable of thinking and self-reflecting in this way. I would consider it affirmation that I am capable of self-reflection and therefore most likely not narcissistic.

[@TallGlass-fh8qf]

The way you can tell the difference is if you lost a piece or all of yourself

[@TallGlass-fh8qf]

Narcissists don’t have a sense of self to lose, they only have your sense of self to gain. So most likely they say they were wronged but feel good inside knowing they are tricking you. Eventually it will manifest as duper’s delight. It can come in the display of a smirk, a smile, peaceful sleep, or waking as if nothing happened. Meanwhile you are saying you’re wrong and don’t feel good inside or out about it. It is because you are being drained. Eventually you may respond to the narcissist with reactive abuse implementing their same tactics. That’s when you no longer recognize yourself looking back. If you did not lose a piece of or all of yourself, but instead feel like you gained from the abuse…then you were the narcissist. Narcissistic abuse feels like losing, not “winning.”

[@Ma-Says]

The fact that you are asking these questions, feeling remorse and basic human decency, and sincerely self-reflecting on your part in the situation is a huge sign that you are not a narcissist. While you might not have behaved or spoken perfectly, the fact that they are turning it around on you is very telling. That is called projection. They will take the thing they are doing, that they don’t feel good about, or know is hurtful and socially unacceptable that they are doing and project or blame it on you. This happened to me again a few weeks ago but I was finally able to identify it instead of personalizing it. Another good sign that I see in your comment is that later you are thinking about it and trying to figure it out. In my 20 plus year relationship I’ve been repeatedly shocked that later they don’t even remember the devastating argument or comments they made while I’ve been working for days, weeks, and even years to figure out what happened and what I did wrong. More I just know what it is, shake my head at their twisted reasoning and thought process, and move on. They will not ask “is it me? What did I do wrong” because they are sure they didn’t. Keep educating yourself and learn about Dr Ramani’s “don’t go DEEP” technique. Good luck!

[@user-vx5lb4iw2q]

Wow, this talk hit home. I constantly edit what I'm going to say to avoid being criticized or set them off or the famous silent treatment 🤔 Your book is one of the best gifts I have given myself.

[@BeachPeach2010]

I've embraced the silent treatment. It's quiet time without demeaning abuse.

[@Cy-bz9jh]

since I was a very small child and got taught how to say sorry and what it means... I have apologized for every aspect of my life - including having to take a day off work when I gave birth, or breathing, or anything. I'm fighting the compulsion to apologize for commenting and saying too much. 68 years of being sorry for taking up my little bit of space or having an opinion and most especially for getting flustered and grumpy when I'm (easily) overwhelmed. I REALLY need help but 1) there are no trauma based therapists and 2) even if there were, everyone is booked through the next century. I really need EMDR and empty chair/inner child help. It's just not available. I'm going to die hating myself.

[@channelpink4376]

I don't know if this makes sense Ramani, but one of the things I've REALLY had to work through was CONSTANTLY being on alert for doomsday. Even when things were "good", I learned to mentally prepare myself for some sort of bombshell event. Constantly waiting for the shoe to drop. I developed an awful habit of trying to micromanage and control everything to keep the "high" where it was, and I wanted to be in control when the situation inevitably spun out of control, also.

[@RM-bf7to]

In the beginning he kept reporting himself as an empathetic person who was so sensitive. 9 yrs later, after he retired I realize being “sensitive” is really paranoia, anger and fear. Now, I’m looking out for my own psychological well being.

[@KellyCastilla-f2q]

When I owned up to my bad reactions to arguments and told my soon to be ex narcissistic wife that I was emotionally and mentally abused for the last 10 yrs she blame shift and devalued me telling me I didn't know what abuse was and reminding me of the abuse she went through with her 1st marriage and ended the conversation with I would I want to save our marriage and that she didn't want to save our marriage.

[@missmombi466]

I told my ex narcissist that I'm constantly walking on egg shells. Rather than acknowledging my feelings and looking at his behaviour that caused me to walk on egg shells, he tried to make me feel bad by telling me that he too walked on egg shells, scared of my response to his abuse and wanted me to take responsibility for the way I mishandled his crap.

[@waywardstitch8604]

@@missmombi466 Wow, that's just crazy. But it also sounds familiar. When I was living with my narc mom I had the distinct impression that my walking on eggshells enraged her too. I thought it was because my walking on eggshells felt to her like I was accusing her of mistreating me, but I wasn't verbalizing it.

[@barryosullivan3428]

I saw a real life raging narcissist today Dr Ramani. I was passing by a courthouse in Dublin and the narc didn't get his way in the case. He had to be carried by 7 police officers out of the court and put into a police van. It was hilarious! 😅

[@alessandrasaenz72]

This really hit home. Thanks Dr. Ramani. Many blessings.

[@Ericanie02]

I once asked my father why he never encouraged me in anything I did growing up (no emotional support). His answer: I didn't want to be blamed if you failed. Explained a lot.

[@kurthanke5788]

Your dad sounds like a complete idiot, just like the so-called father I haven't seen in over 40 years. When I look back, I realize it's been a great 40-plus years

[@carolynkepler2826]

Whoa!! I never thought about that. My brothers and I were never encouraged or helped in any way. Our mother didn’t want to be blamed for our failure. It’s the logical extension of never talking to teachers or any other “authority “ figure so she couldn’t be blamed for anything!

[@jokendrick2124]

I always knew my husband let me make all the major business decisions because he didn't want to be responsible. We ended up successful in spite if him and it killed him because he had a hard time giving me credit. He died 11 years ago and set me free from his narc ways.

[@michele0324]

It seems he expected you to fail though he "raised" you! He didn't even entertain the idea that you would succeed! It's surprising that he admitted he wasn't supportive.

[@Ericanie02]

@@carolynkepler2826Well I never thought about THAT! My parents never attended parent/teacher meetings. They took turns signing my report cards. Now it makes sense. Thanks for that.

[@Non-Artificial-Intelligence]

The sky is bluer and life is sweet again after radical acceptance - even while still living with the narcissist! YOU ARE FREE AT LAST!

[@yasminenasser-rafi3696]

Self blame sustains the wrong the narcissist is guilty of and the wrong continues, more mistakes that result in destruction of families.

[@nikileventopoulos71]

Hey Doctor Ramani ! Got the book 🎉❤🎉

[@annieabraham1379]

I listen to what you say many times with tears in my eyes, because many things like those 5 ways you mentioned, were all part of my life for many decades.

Whenever I felt good inside or empowered by something I did she always responded by mocking me or talking about herself in some way.

[@Kiddo_X]

All 5 of these signs hit home.😢😮

[@rachelhanna7718]

I just as always am just dumbstruck how she knows EVERYTHING about my life with my ex husband!!!! It is so shocking sometimes! Was she in the corner of the room the last 20 years watching??!!! How!!?? But even worse...how did I not know? I knew EVERYTHING was wrong, but I had NO idea what a narcissist actually was.

[@edgreen8140]

The revision of history to bolster their facade.

[@suzanne4396]

" Lost in a world of Fantasy, look what You've ( I have🙄🙄) done to meeee." De-lus-ion-al......😂

[@toomanydogs3342]

Of all the things my narc did to me, making me believe I am bad was the very worst

[@francesbernard2445]

The most interesting version of the SELF-BLAME phenomenon often happens after someone flees the home where we were living with the narcissist. We can be gone from there for several weeks already while the narcissist blames us for the mess piling up around them. They go out and hire house cleaners whom they know will proibable have no problem agreeing with them that the mess is all our fault. Expereinced social workers see that sort of thing happening all the time. For some reason the narcissist has no problem finding people who will think that at the very least we must be part of the reason as to why they are often behaving so badly.

[@smartneb]

He sure does love to be seen as good. He works hard at that persona outside the home. I'm always the one that apologizes. And it's the same apology over and over..."I'm sorry I'm so sensitive." 😢 That seems to make him happy and calms the rage.

[@KathieMihindukulasuriya]

I DID think I was the controlling one, because I was always pestering people for what they wanted for events - trying to make sure everyone was happy, when others showed up (late) and did little to nothing to help. I felt like the episode of Seinfeld, when Kramer pretends to be a movie line and then can't tell what button people are pressing and says, "Why don't you just tell me what movie you want to see?"

[@shaunogg9966]

A lot of other channels are talking about your books existence so you are getting free marketing in a way. They all praise it so in a way it helps bring awareness to this issue. Some are cult survivor channels as cult leaders are usually narcissists and turn followers narcissistic.

[@IanM-id8or]

My sister insisted that I was brutal and violent for catching her foot at my ear when she tried to kick me in the head and "making her fall down". For at least 20 years after the event, she was still ranting about it. She also claimed that when I caught her wrist to stop her from pounding at my face with her clenched fist while scream abuse at me I was attacking her. My family, who witnessed a lot of this, basically joined in blaming me. My late mother was terrified of my sister and used me as a human shield against her, as she'd previously used my late brother as a human shield against my father.

[@PenninkJacob]

What a great vid!!! also, I'm 3/4 through your book!!! ❤❤❤👍

[@jrhc3827]

Oh thank you for today's enumerations. Sure needed them today!!!

[@basantidevi2305]

One of his love languages was he wanted me to anticipate his needs and I did but not good enough...his blame shifting was insane.

[@aileennunez5616]

Narcissist language

[@Priya_the_princess]

I was addicted to this toxic person in my life but my life is sooooo blessed since i got addicted to you and your content dr❤ i watch you and keep remind myself that no contact is the only best thing i m doing to myself😊 and when trauma bond hits i re-watch you

[@eph2vv89only1way]

I remember apologizing to a driver after I was hit by a truck once. His response was, "YOU'RE the laying on the road!"

[@zachphillips3681]

The mind reading is definitely a problem the is occurring I couldn’t even ask for a list for the damn grocery store without her snapping at me.

[@keariewashburn4680]

Thank you Dr Ramani ❤

[@Buster-im5so]

Awesome... My Mom told me that my narc spouse "Is not a nice person". My narc comes home very late each evening, smiles, small-talks, and goes to her room for the night. If people only knew her, like Mom does.

[@johnmays2486]

Quick to blame others for their negative experiences/circumstances and equally as quick to take the credit when things go well.🤷🏻‍♂️🤦🏻‍♂️

[@jamesstaplesv]

OH my shyte !!! She had me apologizing for breathing, BUT,,,They use "Apologizing" as an offensive weapon, so yu are constantly putting the eggshells together to prove they did do it !!!

[@tamidroese5672]

Love your work! Can’t wait to read! Congratulations on the release! Thank for helping so many, and me change and heal my life. You rock! ❤

[@martiemcbride9420]

I love your book - so well written and illuminating. Thank you🌹❤️

[@Petalavender]

I’m listening to your book “should I stay or should I go” and it’s really eye opening. I just got out of a bad marriage 6 months ago and I can’t wait to get the next book. It’s really helping me process things.

[@CatsPJS2027]

Narcistic brother. Suffered for many decades before discovering he checked every box of narc traits (mom's fault, she snuffed his emotions but not intentional on her part). I wrote him about my feelings citing numerous incidents and that I would like to discuss it with him. He could not do that, he said I was holding onto a "grudge"-unable to address anything. We live on opposite coasts now having grown up on a working midwest farm together. His treatment of me, like you said, I blamed myself. If I just did this differently or showed him this accomplishment (7 years older than me) - he would give me the time of day or say good job. I can count on one hand the number of times he actually offered a compliment. Still healing after shutting down most contact five years ago.

[@michele0324]

I can relate. I went NC with my only sibling 3 years ago. As a result I haven't been invited to any holiday celebrations or my niece's or nephew's birthday parties or their HS graduations. 💔

[@Bulbasaur-e7l]

Dr. Ramani, your videos are amazing and so are you! ❤️ Everytime I watch these videos I learn something new and it helps me in my healing process. I can't wait to read your book! (I have to wait a few more days to get my copy)

[@pwhite5411]

Not just self blame in the narc relationship. Ive gone no contact with my mother , but self blame is a holdover for me that has seeped into other relationships. This is a BIG one for me to work on.

[@shar6507]

I remember being in church as a kid. My mom dropped a tissue and then shamed me because I didn't immediately pick it up for her, saying that she would have picked it up for her mother. I had no idea I was 'supposed' to pick up her tissue. Shamed for not reading her mind. Fun times.

[@micheleaustin794]

I just received your book... time to start living healthy. Thank you 🙏

[@LiveFaustDieJung]

Ordered your book. Can’t wait to read it and understand more. Thank you.

[@ApocalypseofMichael]

Just started therapy again and I keep apologising. My lovely therapist is good at reminding that I don't need to apologise all the time. I also feel like I'm saying "They, did this, they did that, it's all their fault..."and I feel a little embarrassed as I keep catching myself sounding like it's everyone else's fault. Which in the terms of trauma damage, it is. Your lovely book has arrived and I'm trying to get my brain into gear to concentrate enough to read it. Congratulations and gratitude ❤

[@Modokai]

Hey, thank you for validating survivors of narcissism, including myself. Personally your video's helped me a lot but for me, the final step of recovery was feeling empathy for the narcissist as well. Not in a, i'll go back kind of way, but as humans. I just want to share for people that are in that loop of watching validating video's, to for instance to validate their anger, injustice or simply to learn more, to view the perspective of the narcissist as well. The super insecurities, the way they behave badly in order to try to feel safe. It's a sad story as well. I believe one should distance themselves but not judge them because nobody chooses to be this way. If we as a society make this personality disorder the image of evil (and yes, I believe it's the source of a looot of evil deeds in this world), people who have this issue will hide more, not try to get help because of shame, blame, etc.. and less people with this personality disorder will be able to correct their behaviour. Peace!

[@karencox8699]

At the end of my last N marriage I became to realize and understand that whatever was happening was going to be my fault! I kept saying to him I KNOW it’s MY fault and oh well I really don’t care anymore! Since they see themselves as wonderful it’s makes everything much clearer! Also their idea of abuse is only physical so he would say- I never laid a hand on them or you! 😢😢

[@samgarner4643]

Everything she says is like spot on... Even down to the examples of things the narcissist says... She gets it word for word

[@moniquejackson7741]

Brilliant. Listening again right now.

[@cherrybacon3319]

I forgave myself for doing some of the 'Reactive' things and wanting Vengeance because I knew deep down Mt Conscience would make me regret my actions that were stupid. I knew I was wrong at times, and only ever apologised when I KNEW I was wrong otherwise I 'Grwy Ricked' him. 🍒

[@TheLove1Makes]

Awesome Thanks for the hard work and Emotional Support.

[@Zeme310]

I’m the kind of person who doesn’t like to get into fights or arguments, but I also really love to get into deep conversations, so it’s usually turns to arguments for who is right and who has the better knowledge, so often i find myself in these arguments with a narcissistic person, while trying to show my perspective and my ideas i end up saying a lot of things, but these people take every word seriously and make the whole thing about them, even tho they weren’t taking the conversation seriously, so i always end up feeling bad and remembering every word i said, repeating the conversation in my head over and over and trying to know where I went wrong, what did i say to make them upset, and that would stop my whole day because I really don’t know what to do but to blame myself for making them feel ‘bad’ but in reality they’re the one who made me feel bad, but it’s just so frustrating cause they don’t feel nothing alike, they go for their day while i sat there stuck in my thoughts for days, i know that they are narcissistic and wrong and they just think everything they say is right, and i know that I’m not in wrong and i am the good person not them, but i just can’t stop my thoughts, always on alert whenever they’re around, always try to say things that would make THEM happy just not to get mad at me or anything, i really want to get stronger and face them, really tired of people making me feel small just because I’m nice to them. This is my first time writing a comment on any platform, it’s so bad that i want to share it with someone but I don’t have any

[@AlonzoJ-pf4dt]

Master class live❤❤❤

[@robinchilds7492]

Every time we took a vacation I picked a 5 star hotel and paid for the room. He still found fault with it.

[@daniellesomerfield8799]

These sick, evil, twisted, deluded religious abusers have been influencing my son for over a decade. I've never blamed myself, I knew it was them.

[@AnneG.315]

OMG , now I understand why packing for a trip is so anxiety provoking 🎉

[@thepaintedpoppies1010]

Got a copy of your book yesterday. Having trouble putting it down. Thank you for all your work to help us all. I am glad to have these wonderful resources to help guide my healing journey. God bless you.

[@vikingdoula]

About the apologizing: Whenever I would confront him about something (breaking an agreement, not following through, etc.), if the evidence was so strong he could neither deny nor justify his (in)actions, my (very) complex covert narc ex would "beat me to the punch" by yelling at me, "I'm SORRY, I'M SORRY! I'm ALWAYS the one who has to say I'm SORRY!!! You NEVER say YOU'RE sorry, it's only MEEEE!" (BTW, not true, I do apologize - sincerely - when I'm wrong. He just either didn't accept my apologies, or would use them to shame me). Such a mind f%(k

[@jessiiica07]

I purchased your book! I can’t wait to read it.

[@zephyr6913]

Mine literally got mad at me for “walking on eggshells” around her.

[@kryssysmith1486]

I grew up in a pretty severely narcissistic family system. One day, I had one of my siblings helping me fill out disability papers when we got into a huge fight. They brought it back to my face and told me, "Oh, I'll help you get on your feet," despite me acknowledging that. However, that wasn't the point of the argument they were trying to pick with me (thinking to myself).

[@lyricmelody8162]

Self-compassion, is like kryptonite to narcissists. If you learn to love and forgive yourself their fear structure starts to fall😮‍💨🤕😔😌☺😸💖

[@IzabelaWaniek-i1x]

Narcisists really think they are good and virtuous people, wow! They will torment you to death fighting for the salvation of your soul. That is mind bending to the max!

[@SamsungGalaxy-pi9bx]

narcistic people cant think anyone of them selfs

[@Karamarie317]

One time I told him I’m not a mind reader and he literally said “What do you mean you aren’t a mind reader? What does that mean?” 🤯

[@aynilaa]

My therapist told me I have OCD, when in fact I grew up with narcissists.

[@TammerySmith]

Oh my you hit it right on the head i over here jumping up and down 😮

[@TammerySmith]

Oh man you got it right again 😂

[@vlee3880]

Just downloaded it from audible. Really loved Don’t you Know Who I Am? … and am looking forward to this. I’m a therapist myself, helping a client navigate a narcissistic relationship, and have of course met my share too. Thanks for your excellent work ❤

[@afrolid2127]

Thank you❤

[@joycebisceglia8175]

As always, Dr Ramani you're spot on! I relate to all 5 of your points how self blame shows up!

[@olyabrenner3590]

They say they are the furthest thing from being a narcissist instead they actually decide that you’re the a** and they are the victim of your craziness

[@melissasymonds1523]

Already 70 pages into the book

[@Someoneoutthere67]

I am definitely going to buy the book. I did not purchase it during that promotion where you were giving away all kinds of stuff with a zoom meeting thing because I just wasn’t interested in any of that. I think the book alone listening to you and your videos will be sufficient enough. I used to apologize constantly and one day I just looked up and asked myself Why do you keep apologizing? Realizing I needed to look into that. I’m very analytical. I’m always analyzing myself and situations. Sometimes that’s not good. My narcissist, who I think could’ve very well been a narcissist even mentioned that to me that I analyze too much. But I think all of us are a little narcissistic in someways. I question a lot because I’ve really been listening to your videos a lot. I’m not sure if someone such as myself that had an abusive parent can come out whole, even though I’ve done a lot of work on myself started in my 20s and I am 71 now. Can come out unscathed and not have some remnants of narcissism? I know I am not full-blown narcissistic, because of who I am at my core, and how I relateto others in my life. But it doesn’t stop me from doing a deep job and analyzing myself. Thanks to your videos.

[@auraliax1323]

Hey dr ramani, i saw a video of yours saying you don't wanna forgive narcissists, and i agree, but i hope u talk more about the moving on phase, I'm still so attached to the past hurt, and i hate the fact that they made me responsible for things I didn't even cause, and now I'm responsible for healing their abuse and removing it from me, as a scapegoat, my family made me so attached to them and needing them not just for emotional needs but for money and shelter too, now I'm 22 and I don't even study or work and I'm terrified of being responsible and reparenting myself,what do u advice people in my case?

[@chellotrevino7323]

Hey over or it I been scape goatee u gotta fight back why would yah self blame yourself 😂😂 no wonder they attack yah soft butts

[@TheFilmLocker]

I’m 36 and consciously in the re-parenting phase now for the past year. So it’s amazing you are contemplating/at that stage now at 22. It’s very difficult and a tiring process but worth it! 😊 I vaguely remember one video about how to move on/ what to do for yourself but sorry I don’t remember the exact title. But there are loads of videos/channels that focus on re-parenting/taking you life into your own hands from abusive/co-dependent relationships. Consume as much info as you can, build yourself up then set yourself free. Good luck! ✨🙏🏾

[@chellotrevino7323]

@@TheFilmLocker co dependent is a good thing not a bad thing narcissist arnt dangerous yah just soft

[@auraliax1323]

@@TheFilmLocker thank you 💕 good luck to you too♥️

[@TheFilmLocker]

@@chellotrevino7323 Co-dependency is not healthy dynamic when you you can not function on your own accord. It's a toxic trait that can come along with being a victim of narcissistic abuse (speaking from 1st hand experience 🙋🏾‍♀️). Once I realised that I wanted to live my own life, and not fund/take care of my mother’s, it made it easier to plan my exit. Within 6 months of planning I found a job in another country and moved to start my own life without helping her/them nor thinking I needed them as a ‘crutch’. Co-dependency is what has men living at homes in their 40s playing video games, and girls like me forever single on the road towards being that ‘aunty’ that never got her life started and takes care of her old age mum. I'm being facetious…but not 😅😩

[@dimitrid1096]

Mindblowing explanations ! Thanks 🙏