Narcissists Want THIS, But Don't Give It To Them

Being deeply insecure, narcissists are constantly wondering how they can get you to prop up their fragile egos. Dr. Les Carter hones in on one of the responses they want most from you, but as you are aware of their intentions, you can be poised to stay above their games.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. In the past 40+ years he has conducted more than 65,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.
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[@graveyardghost2603]

Society teaches us to always be "nice", but doesnt teach us to set healthy boundaries we are just supposed to "take it"--thx Dr. C for your helpful videos ❤👍🦋

[@skinnyway]

"nice" means playing dumb and never confronting the wrong doer with their wrong doings. I refuse to be "nice".

[@graveyardghost2603]

@@patrickglaser1560 yes indeed 👍

[@artistcarolyngrace1711]

Yes! So true

[@cindys9491]

Right, and often religion teaches us this too

[@sonjawalkerreactionscommen3501]

All of society is becoming narcissistic in my opinion.

[@bobsanderz3005]

“Going along to get along” is a slow death! STAND UP for yourself to these losers. I’ve been lately, thanks to listening to these videos the past few months. I feel amazing these days, I feel like MYSELF

[@minilevi8465]

Exactly

[@axljax]

Yes!!!

[@eddierayvanlynch6133]

Thanks for saying this. I always thought that was a sketchy thing to tell someone; everyone has their limits.

[@constancebarrett1398]

amen

[@krejados1]

Ikr? After reading Dr C's Pleasing You book, I learned how to stop going along to get along and started standing up for myself. Now shedding my second narc in 6 months. Once you get the hang of it, it's a snap!

[@StephaniRoberts]

Like the tin man, they’re looking for a heart. That’s why empaths are targets.

[@richardlandis793]

Or maybe like the Scarecrow. If I only had a brain. Become like the Lion, and seek for Courage. Sometimes it takes a lot. Find that courage through God or some Higher Power. It lies within each of us. Unfortunately it oftentimes is dormant. Don’t give in to demented ideology. Stay strong, and fight for your own intelligence and sensibility. Don’t ever give up.

[@shelley7975]

@@richardlandis793 lol...

[@StephaniRoberts]

@@richardlandis793 Truth!! 🎯🤣

[@marieborchardt2910]

They look outward for everything because they are empty. It's sad, but I'm done with them, I'm done being a punching bag.

[@richardlandis793]

@no chains no more 😊👍

[@dyoung2739]

The narcs that I know use “I keep it real” as an excuse to be mean, judgmental & condescending to others

[@lifewithapurpose237]

*"it"* is showing you what 'it' is, believe it. that one is *mean* *judgy* and *condescending*

[@Charlie-rx6pb]

The narc I'm dealing with uses the phrase "I'm a straight shooter" as an excuse to be rude and mean, but will lie constantly.

[@dyoung2739]

@@Charlie-rx6pb Exactly

[@yvonnecarter9705]

So true heard that before 🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@Earthether]

Yes agree I’ve heard thst before

[@janewild9150]

I just need to add…I married this guy at age 19. I was a child still, very little knowledge of the world or of myself. He ruled the roost, not in a bad way but just because there was so little of me. I loved him and I lived for him. In the following decades I never grew into myself. I was all about our kids, his career.. I was a sidekick. I guess I want to tell young people to wait for marriage…wait and become yourself! At age 69 and after almost 50 yrs of marriage, I am just now realizing my truth…

[@Booboonancy]

Sorry to hear that. I wish you serenity and, with a little luck, freedom. I’m in my 37th year as a sidekick and it took me 33 years to figure out what the deal was. I’m now 64 and numb frankly, in survival mode trying to work through my issues so I can walk away.

[@123raven4]

I think back in your era, people got married younger and had more kids!

[@carospereman3537]

@JaneWild ... Good for you for getting out. Realizing the truth at any age IS A GOOD THING. Some people never know. Excellent advice on waiting on marriage, find out who you are before incorporating yourself with another person. Much love to you and your healing : D

[@gloryfavorforeverwchristje9343]

Sitting at N STATE bus pickup.Great story. Grab a kid, grandkid. Share your life story on KZbin. Have them set up mic, tablet,etc. I know you will affect the past, present, future. You survived to share. We must love self first and serve others

[@joywebster2678]

@@123raven4 back in her era? Check out teens in today's Era wanting and having babies at age 13, and wanting to set up with the 14yr old baby daddy. It's all over the USA, even on the TV shows.

[@traceyalex1722]

That you utterly exhaust yourself trying to make them happy after they've put the responsibility and blame for all their problems on you.

[@katen1228]

It’s an incredible weight that tears you down, especially when you finally realize that you’ve lived a lie for so long, how can I trust any judgements I ever make?

[@michaelfox9750]

Ugh! Being blamed for the circumstances of life (most of which cannot be blamed on anyone) . . . Lived that way for years. Exhausting, depressing, soul-killing

[@NoMoreHeroesAnymore1334]

And then it's "Why was this an A- and not a A+?"

[@eec526]

Yes their lying is your fault I'm done with that

[@lindabb7064]

"Why can't we just go along?" That's the most passive-aggressive question a narcissist can ask when we express our adverse experience with abuse and dehumanization.

[@FLMegan]

Yes!!!! Exactly!!

[@NoMoreHeroesAnymore1334]

"That's just what he's like." --My mother. (Enabler/passive "narc" but possibly mostly FLEAS from her own trash parents...) Well not putting up with this excrement is what I'M like, yet somehow I'm the bad guy? How about NOOOOO--I REJECT that premise!

[@harlcc261]

I was So Sick of hearing that !!

[@conniesmith3177]

For about 15 yes I went along for the most pert but there was times I stood my ground. He thought I had yo have his permission for everything I knew when I didn't go along with what he said I would pay dearly for disobeying his request when something was very important to me I stood my ground and dealt with his responses my husband passed away last September I truly had not realized how much of me I lost. I'm finding me again. I'm so TANKFUL FOR Dr C

[@Lolopug9]

To my surprise it was other people in the family asking me this question: “why can you not just get along with him? That’s just the way he is.” Of course, I was his target and dumping ground; he knew not to abuse THEM - which was part of his tactic of splitting me off for his abuse. It took me years to figure out that I needed to call out his bullying myself because no one else would stick up for me - they were fooled by his charm and false victim story. Once I put my foot down and said NO - to the narcissist but also said to everyone who told me to “just get along”, “this is how bullies succeed. Please do not expect me to accept his behavior or anyone else’s framing of what’s going on in my relationship with him and what I should do about it.” I still don’t get a lot of support (no one dares tell him to STOP) but I do get respect and understanding.

[@KEESWAY]

Great video! All of this is so true! The worst part about this is that the narcissist is literally only satisfied if you are agreeable 24/7; the minute you say “no” it’s as if you’ve never said “yes” before. They give you hardest time. 😭

[@cherileerogers1650]

And then act like a big ‘passive aggressive’ baby!

[@lissacablerware8475]

They’re not even satisfied when you are agreeable. They seek conflict.once you become agreeable they see you as weak and they become bored. Thus begins their new journey to seek out another addiction or conflict.

[@stellabenton199]

Yes totally 💯

[@exposinginsanity]

they can blow up like a grenade to a no

[@lorrainem8234]

💯

[@mariankeller5852]

As children we were taught to turn the other cheek ..not fight back when verbally attacked ..as adults we become vulnerable to narcissistic bullying..we have to be "reprogrammed " to protect ourselves from these predators..

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Precisely.

[@dmrenterprizes4101]

It is a Christan principle, but I always believed that turning the other cheek is a very bad and stupid idea. First, you only have so many cheeks. Second, an abusive person might utterly destroy you the next time they strike. No way you should "turn the other cheek." Defend yourself or run away.

[@choosejoy93]

Yes, it's absurd!!!! Its so dangerous. I would always try to be the peace keeper and I'm now realizing that there is a time to be a peace keeper and a time to bare your teeth and get your claws out. It's never black and white. Learning how to stand up for yourself is so crucial. Something I'm still trying to get the hang of.

[@lindajones8101]

I have heard that the body of people known as normals by another KZbin commentator have a great emotional empathy for only a small number of people close to them. If they run into a narcissist outside that circle they are able to walk away. But the empath, the most sought after and easiest target for the Narcissist is hardwired until we change to be sucked in.

[@olyooshka]

Having grown up in a secular country with atheistic family and friends I was taught to address the violating behaviours asap. This is not a working strategy for warding off narcs either, though. Yes, any violation of your person has to be stopped and you need to get to safety ASAP. But any kind of engagement with a narc on your part, can be interpreted by the narc as you giving them attention, which is what they ultimately seek, so the sooner no contact or safe distance can happen the better.

[@Gracie-dz1qq]

They want to see you completely broken down, hands shaking voice quivering and crying hysterical begging for mercy,

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Yep!

[@MC-pd4sr]

SO TRUE! And when you don't, they go ballistic. It's all about control.

[@Gracie-dz1qq]

@@MC-pd4sr They really ratchet up the tactics when they are having trouble completely breaking you down. Whether it be extended stonewalling, weird head games, etc. You really start seeing how far they will go and it is down right scary.

[@bronwenw6384]

@@Gracie-dz1qq Yep...and it's that "down right scary" part that made me eventually stand up for myself and I finally, after more than 3 decades, learned the powerful art of saying NO.

[@Booklook111]

… “but I’m not going to give my heart and soul to anyone who sees my degradation as a solution to their pitiable insecurity…” I love that. Thank you for helping people, especially those of us struggling to find and trust our inner voice again after experiencing abuse.

[@TheNewsJenorator]

They don’t want a win win situation it’s war and competition. These are the cult leaders etc…

[@observationsincars5083]

Attention IS their most valuable currency.

[@TishB79]

So true.

[@philochristos]

Sometimes we cave because it's exhausting to constantly resist. OF course it's exhausting to cave, too.

[@jmfs3497]

JMFS 0 seconds ago Mine is my manager, and I had the job 15 years before they came manager, so it kind of feels like there is no choice but to at least Grey Rock and play dumb until I can get out. It's bizarre to go from a top performer under two previous managers, to not being able to move without being pounced on. I just say "Ok" these days and do the bare minimum, as they seem threatened by talent and contribution. I interviewed for new job last week.

[@georgestone680]

That was succinctly put!

[@gillianbrookwell1678]

There is no such thing as compromise with a narcissist; they can never have a proper discussion on anything; I stood up to my narcissist husband for the first time in 41 years, and he couldn't take it; We've been separated now for eight years, and there's no going back. Thank you Dr Carter for your expertise.

[@michaelfox9750]

Yep, I was often the one adjusting my priorities, schedule, activities, social life . . . To hers. The more I started to carve out bits of life for myself, the more I could sense to opposition and resentments. In other words, everything was fine . . . As long as I fit her groives. No wonder I was sad, apathetic, and drinking on a daily basis. Funny, since we split, I hardly drink, and hardly want to. And I've found other people who really like me--just the way I am!

[@patriciasadlertrainor6771]

How is it going for you now? Are you happier? I ask because I'm considering separating myself after 42 years. I'd love your input. Thanks!

[@user-rx7uh9mg4f]

@@michaelfox9750 my mother is like that too. I had a rich social life (she was working so she didn't have time to control me) and when she resigned and became a stay at home mom, she slowly chipped away at my social circle and isolated me from family members and friends. She would use guilt and shame often and I felt bad to ask her for anything. Now, I have no friends left and I am slowly trying to get back on my feet and as far away from her as I can. I feel at peace when she isn't home.

[@Isochest]

100% true!

[@tvdb5299]

@@patriciasadlertrainor6771 I left after 38 years. Just passed the 41st anniversary now. Even divorcing them is a nightmare but getting out allows you freedom to get 'you' back - to 'revive' what's left of you . Very tough but there are many, many kind human beings whom I never would have come across had I not left. And I'm free to laugh, talk, read, listen and cry now. I'm healing. You deserve that too .

[@darlenerego4891]

Loss of voice. Loss of freedom. Loss of uniqueness. Loss of self respect. Loss of good communication skills. Loss of enthusiasm. Loss of joy. I can see how this could happen if I submit to him. I'm not willing to give up any of these! Thanks Doctor Carter!

[@user-eu8hj2ek7f]

everything in the dark, eventually comes to light. they will eventually get figured out by everyone. just give it time. 😂

[@lifewithapurpose237]

yes. light always follows darkness

[@jadesulton8700]

#REALTALK #FACTS

[@halnot4u2no75]

They will tell on themselves

[@astridhartmann8781]

do not bet on that... - narcissists are good at staying in power & the center of attention. The important is to figure out the escape route out of their universe - which we are :-)

[@darknessfierce4209]

Mark 4:22 For nothing is hidden except to be made manifest; nor is anything secret except to come to light.

[@micheleshively8557]

My N husband died last Tuesday night of liver disease. 56. He was relentless. About everything. Covert and overt and who knows how many more words we can add. I am a sympathetic animal empath from birth. Oh so much to say. I spent 20 years with my first husband who had narcissistic personality disorder. Yah. We are magnets for these people. 20 years with this last husband. I haven't felt peace since I was 18, not any amount of time to speak of. Always looking longingly at other couples who seem so happy together. Don't really understand those, where BOTH of you love each other. I bet it's nice. I'm ready I've lost the lines in my forehead Lol! This is going to be good y'all. Blessings of healing to all who feel these people draining the life out of us all

[@eddierayvanlynch6133]

I remember a book that compared several disorders to monsters. NPD was compared to vampires. My condolences for your losses. Good luck on your journey.

[@lindahaynes3475]

I managed to get away from my narc husband few months ago...after 23 years yeah i do wonder what it be like to have a normal relationship..my first husband wasnt any better ..enjoy your new life...

[@lindawise5546]

Michele Shively, you are free. I miss the 19 yr old version of me also. The word "accept" has come to mind a couple times this week. I have lost 45+ years. I am plowing forward, going to accept what happened and watch what unfolds for me. Blessings right back at you. It will be lovely.

[@gonzaga45377]

May you get the peace that you seek.

[@salauerman7082]

Sounds more like he had “heart” disease, and eye/“I” trouble!

[@boomerangsruckflug8513]

You name it. My sister whom I worked for was controlling everything, complaining about my WhatsApp profile, about my content on Facebook, called my daughter and asked her private things about me... And it got worse and worse month by month. Eventually I told her that these things are none of her business. That made her getting into the "rage" mode, she was shouting and insulting me for weeks and on the same time playing the victim so she said she cannot cope with me anymore because I am so nasty and fired me. I assume that she wanted me to be on my knees crying and begging not to be fired but I just said calmly, "okay, it's okay" which made her even more angry. Lol. After some weeks she'd sent me some money, asking me to come back to work and that I was such a good worker. I just sent her a message "thanks for the money, that's nice" and nothing more. Now she has to cope with herself... Thank God I'm out of there!!!

[@dmrenterprizes4101]

😂 I love that response. I love it.

[@KidCrowder]

You described her well...she has the same narc characteristics like my mum...when there is no narc supply around they try to hoover back the person they think they can rage on again only to be met with a rude shock like you did, you acted right💪🏼💯

[@cereal_qilla]

So glad you cut her off!!! They think they can just throw money at emotional conflicts and make them go away and have their way with you

[@larrnew]

Take this job and shove it…😤

[@sheilab1772]

sometimes you have to love family from afar!

[@mariegallagher4725]

In the end even the energy of my narc ex was unbearable to be around. Over the years I became depressed and very ill. Thankfully my close friends stuck by me and helped find my way out. These videos have helped me understand what happened to me. Once I broke free I feel more me and realised how abused I was.

[@BGood222]

Reading this comment, I thought it was me that typed it. Same situation here. Thank goodness for my single friend who helped pull me out of the darkness and break free!!!! So glad you are getting better and healing! ❤️❤️❤️

[@stevenmaritz2681]

Similar story. My my health will and energy fell to a dangerous level. I simply stopped responding to the goading provocation and manipulation, completely dead inside...35 years the person quickly gathered up new sources and a new resource gave up and left. It took a few years but I now know what peace is and my health and lifestyle has improved measurably.

[@Cathyblj]

Same here, too! My husband had isolated me from my family; he never wanted to visit them, and laid guilt trips if I ever spent time with friends, instead of doing my “job,” i.e., being subservient to him. I found I didn’t even have the energy to be with friends as I was so depressed, along with hypothyroidism. It was indeed unbearable, and now I’m so grateful to be free!

[@dumblizzie]

Same here I was getting drained and sick. Woke up and dumped Narc and energy vampire. Feeling normal now. Escaped brain damage too.

[@annabejko4803]

Same situation

[@ifonlyunu994]

Attention. Attention. and more attention.

[@angelapickett7427]

It made me physically ill blood pressure issues and then a Stroke that's when the fun started. I realized that I had to leave or die . I recovered and got a divorce. Best thing I ever did 🙃peace, love and respect is a constant part of my life now. Had to go through a lot of work getting my self back. Never again 😏

[@Booboonancy]

Good for you and you seem to have kept your sense of humor.

[@rue258]

Just like me I starting having high blood pressure, asthma attacks and constant migraine headaches. I just had to leave even if it was just 5 months of marriage the abuse was unbearable for me.

[@angelablaney4575]

Yep, exactly, headaches, weakness, exhaustion, high blood pressure, heart attack and shingles. Narc is demonic!

[@user-ed7si9no7i]

Ultimately being in an intimate or close relationship with a narcasist is a no go.

[@chickenbiscuit4525]

There isn't much being in relationships with the narcissist. They have never individuated. They can't effectively detect differences between their thoughts and feelings with others. Which means they are regularly awkward and need others to model around them (I.e obligating others to suit their wayout preferences first and foremost).

[@rob6115]

The narcs idea of relationship is all about them…… and what you are giving them. It’s like a movie where they are the star “warm, funny, great looking, intelligent, wise, an all round great catch. But enough of me, what do you think about me?”

[@chickenbiscuit4525]

@@rob6115 when you are no longer naive it's become all about how willing you yourself is with regard for consenting to the behaviors.

[@itisfinishednowtimetoclean2723]

Yes, this one came to me too, they even have the Great Oz (while their true self is hidden) hidden behind a curtain the impressive illusion that’s ultimately delusional!😖😂😂😂

[@olyooshka]

No go. They look to diminish and hurt ppl, that's their ultimate happiness. They see no other ways, they have no other needs.

[@marjoriepreston6620]

I just was dumped by a narcissistic friend, and it's like being let out of a cage. I always detected a note of contempt in her treatment of me but refused to believe it; we had been friends for decades. Now I see it all too clearly--the belittling, the exaggerated sighs of "patience" when I said something she thought was stupid, the little digs. She judged me on even small things, like wearing flip-flops on the beach or not keeping up with her when we walked. I never thought I'd say this, but good riddance.

[@Heather-xz8fk]

I dumped my narc friend six months ago. Still recovering from my anger at myself for ignoring the red flags and not honoring my own intuition. Narc friendships are different than family situations. Glad you are free no matter how it happened.

[@Ysmfotografie]

The judgement is the top controle thing. On one moment I AM the best. The other moment I am so stupid, I dont listen clear and this is a waste off time. IT is up and down and that made me addicted to be in the up position. And there commes in the controle about my behavior. IT is a patron where I be aware off now. IT is what this video say,s. The submission to otherwise IT is to pitty for him. The need to be someone is so high that the nobody in you have to be in the relation as long as you are not in the same thoughts and conclusions about live in general. I know my standards well. I have my experience in live. I AM strong and intresting. I write, I act, made theater for big groups off people, I paint. And this is now all five me back to myself. I was married with a Russian actor when IT was 1992. I know the drill from the inside off my relation by then. The mentality off the dictatorschip, the cruality, the barbaric way off the controle regime. And still now when everything commes back in my memorie about that in the actual world history and I warn about it, my N Friend say,s: "you are not reacting from your inner center" WTF ? In Februarie people in the Ukraine said : " war? , no I don,t believe this will happen" Do they still say that now?

[@charlottedawson9265]

I walked away from a so-called friend after it gradually turned to ignoring and contempt after being love-bombed and treated as special for a long time. Even after my loyalty during her divorce that inexplicably wasn't good enough and I finally got fed up at the disrespect and reminded myself to have self-respect. The funny part is when she saw me acting indifferent all of a sudden her reactions were, 'oh, I miss you! We never get to SEE each other! . . .' Yeah, naw, you had years of chances and I was beneath you, so buh-bye!

[@user-onyoutube868]

That sounds so familiar regarding a relationship I have had to dump. The exaggerated sigh thing...the digs...I was left constantly feeling flawed, unlovable, unworthy of anything good. This person made it clear that they were doing me a favor by their presence in my life. I now am aware it was the other way around.

[@allnfun6315]

Ever get any compliments? I don’t.

[@moonshineonme75013]

It has taken me over a DECADE to recover from a lifetime of “this”.

[@jmfs3497]

My manager is a narcissist, and two coworkers that recently found other jobs have stated they have PTSD and are trying to help me find another job. They both worked there for 9 years, and I had been there for 20. The narcissist became manager 5 years ago, but we all hadn't realized he was a narcissist or what narcissism is until 9 months ago. Essentially the last 9 months has been nothing but Grey Rocking, seeing exactly how narcissistic he has been this entire time, and planning our exits. They are the destroyers of the world. They create nothing good, but put on a good show to the outside world.

[@brg2743]

Totally get it!

[@moonshineonme75013]

oOo Dear @@jmfs3497 it happens so slowly over time that we don’t even recognize that we are being lured into their web and they’re so subtle and sly and charming about it, that you don’t even know what’s happening! But then you look back and you see the damage they have quite actually been the cause of! As you say, they create nothing good but put on an excellent facade...THEY ARE DESTROYERS all while appearing to be the savior amongst the wreckage they have quite actually been the cause of! Takes a while to recover... It’s sick...It’s sad. Its painful and it hurts!

[@moonshineonme75013]

EW! @@brg2743

[@moonshineonme75013]

@@brg2743 they’re sick individuals and they’ll make you sick too if a person’s not careful because somehow, it makes them feel good for someone else to feel bad! Yeah...go figure...or 🏃‍♀️ go swiftly in the other direction!

[@jmfs3497]

My narcissist was my manager, and he wanted me to change my career path to suit him, which was in the opposite direction of where I was headed as a growth-based person. He was completely unreasonable at having a human conversation about it, and instead focused on his entitlement to his "being the boss and I say so" attitude... this was after 15 years of me being a top performer under two previous managers, even with him as a seemingly normal co-worker for a few of those. Instead of meeting me half-way he essentially dismantled my career path by triangulating around every thing I had built in those previous 15 years, and removing my access to anything I would have called work. Even my clients and coworkers were asking to meet with me in secret to continue our working relationships, but he triangulated around those so relentlessly that it was impossible to maintain a normal anything. It was like being shoved into a barrel and handed rotten scraps of projects and criticized for them still being rotten when I finished them. He even called me in class multiple times, causing me to drop out from stress, chaos, and confusion, as I had been a part time student every semester for 5 years before he was manager. When I mentioned finishing my degree a couple years later he interrupted me to say "YOU don't NEED a DEGREE!". The entire office has completely fallen apart. Even his boss was fired a few months ago, and almost everyone with any talent has moved on. The people remaining are non-productive flying monkeys, or ghost-like low performers who don't do anything unless they are told. I learned about narcissism over the summer, and started Grey Rocking and creating an exit strategy. They give you just enough to think it's going to change for the better, but it ultimately keeps sliding further and further backwards and downwards. Narcissists are kind of like the child that is so bossy and mean that no one wants to play with them, so they try to impress with their new shiny professional level football, but when all the kids call the narcissist out for cheating, the narc takes their ball home, and then returns at night to stab all the other old footballs and take a dump on the field. LOL. I had a job interview a few days ago and a friend at the company said they heard it went well. It will be less pay, but back in the direction I was already heading, maybe even better. I'm hoping I get it.

[@Hisunworthyservant]

JMFS May GOD bless and help you!!!

[@c.merritt7884]

That next to last paragraph was colorful.

[@francesrudy7681]

I hope you get the job!🙏

[@michelepascoe6068]

Hope you get that better job and get back on track. We can recover from their abuse and destruction and go in to live a good life. I find entrusting all the injustice and wasted effort to God who knows what happened, freeing. We can't fix it, only pick ourselves up and move on, leaving it behind.

[@CamperEra]

Hope you get that job! 🙏🏻 for you.

[@Nina-vv3ev]

They remind you who you really are …when you realize what they are… they are even jealous they can’t be genuine & unique like you

[@brandy4530]

I don’t know, we were all pretty cowed down to my mother, and she still wasn’t happy. There was no way to make my mother happy. We would do whatever wacko thing she wanted for our lives, and then she would still be disappointed. Being her child was like being an 8 year old’s Barbie doll. She would run us through the ringer, and when we were all battered and broken she would cry that she wished she had a different one that was shiny and new. Even if you lose yourself to a narcissist, they will just hate you for it.

[@myobmyob2215]

Insatiable people

[@cynthia-ray]

Great information. I was told I was rebellious whenever I would resist unreasonable demands. Now I get it.

[@rob6115]

Well I hit a wall after 30 years of chronic invalidation with my narc partner and just went flat grey rock taking away all her favourite toys that she could withhold or use to manipulate, intimidate, threaten. The appeasement went far too long and the abuse only ever gets worse not better. Those goal posts just keep moving. She walked out on the kids and I a couple weeks ago. She didn’t get any begging so she sent angry texts. I replied that if she can’t treat us with respect she shouldn’t come back. Anyway she came back worse. I’ve continued grey rock so she threatened me that if we didn’t have kids she’d probably leave. I told her if we didn’t have kids she wouldn’t have a choice. Her response? Mend fences? Acknowledge any concerns I raised? Nope, response was to pretend nothing had happened, make plans for buying a new house and shop for furniture. If you’re partnered with a real narc, forget any fantasy that has happy endings. They are messed up in an unrecognisable way

[@CharMinsky]

That statement, no happy endings, how not to fantasize such. I’m sorry for your trouble. Praying for you and the children. Protect their souls.

[@bobsanderz3005]

Man that sounds like an awful person to share a life with

[@lesleybrown1583]

They ARE demon possessed!

[@kaystephens2672]

30 years is a long time. I spent half that time in jail with mine. They're just spoiled brats. Keep up the good work.

[@kaystephens2672]

@@lesleybrown1583 Yes they are. No other explanation for it.

[@keddy5627]

“My degradation as the solution to their pitiable insecurity…” brilliant!

[@ritahiggins9700]

"...I'm not going to give my heart and soul over to someone who sees my degradation as the solution to their pitiable insecurity." This works fine for me ... although I'd rather just silently think it and pull away instead of facing their treacherous, vicious hateful energy in response to me just speaking my peace because it's way too traumatizing and frightening to endure another outright confrontation. Thank you. 🙏

[@LoveAllCreations]

My thoughts exactly, Rita Higgins. My response would be like yours. Their narcissistic rage isn't worth living through. Nope, I'll just sneak out the back door (metaphorically) with my authenticity intact.

[@uncleclaw171]

Deference. They NEED you to show them deference. They cant deal with seeing and treating you as an equal.

[@MissVanillaLime]

They will never try and learn anything from you, unless it’s one of your qualities that they want for themselves

[@aliceroberts1980]

Or something to use against you to hurt you later even their own children they troll on watch so I can figure out ways to hurt them later

[@deborahrichardson3731]

And at the same time, find a way to insult you about it.

[@tetyanalisovska7196]

Dear Dr.Carter, I am temporarily unsubscribing only because of the war in my country (Ukraine). Trying to save battery to read important news that might save my or smb else's life. May God bless you! Please, pray for our quick victory, because sooo many innocent people are getting killed every day! 🙏 Thank you so much for your hard work! 🙏

[@aliceroberts1980]

God bless you glory to Ukraine ! Try to stay alive we are all pray for you and your country it’s all so horrible. Putin won’t win !!!

[@SuperArtist47]

God bless you and your people . The biggest Narcissist (Russian monster ) will be stop !! Bless you

[@notagain779]

@Tetyana Lisovska, I pray for you all every day. 🙏🏼🇺🇦🇺🇸 Putin must be stopped!

[@diannebrett4074]

May God bless you❤️🙏

[@tetyanalisovska7196]

@@diannebrett4074 Thank you so much! May God bless you, too! 🙏♥️

[@chickenbiscuit4525]

Domination, authority, mind control hack. Yes, defending their own inadequacies through projection. Typically a thoughtless action of behaviors, however they try.

[@ThisIsMe155]

Sure is!! 😇

[@cacatr4495]

What a mess they are!

[@eugenelevin8314]

When your with a narc - your only choice is to submit ……you comprimise your “self” until there is no “self “ left . The sacrifices you make against your better judgement for your narc will remove any joy and peace you carry - and they will never be seen by your narc as a sacrifice at all . Submission is not how you show someone you love them ( no matter how much they tell you that it is….)

[@l.a.johnson9302]

100 percent true

[@ErumEhmad20]

100% right. I kept giving in tjinking I have to do the right thing, so save my marriage and relations connected to it. The more I did that, the more I am not able to see the narcissists true face. My husbands sister has been manipulating me and my children for years now. I knew but no one can ever criticize her because she wears a mask of positive toxicity. Like all covert narcissists, sge cant be made out easily. Today I send my husband with the kids and I see so clearly the reason she wants me around. I'm an object to her. Someone who should just submit and keep fixing prolems she causes in my life and uses my kids to hurt me. No matter what I do. Narcissism is a sickness that persists in her and now my goal is to just self preserve and protect my future.

[@Booboonancy]

That’s right ! Even though you give your everything, it is never good enough. They are bottomless pits

[@mthomas3547]

I lost respect for myself by giving away my heart and soul. Anyone who has done this knows exactly how that feels. I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. It was the worst feeling BUT it changed everything for me. I am true to myself, first. I don't need to have any relationship that doesn't allow me the right to be me. Respect is mutual. Kindness is not the same as being nice.

[@ghilly_one1720]

Well stated. I know exactly what you mean. It was a true journey through the dark night of the soul.

[@Elizabeth-yg2mg]

For decades I made the mistake of not being myself with a narcissistic cousin and also let her call the shots. I should have known better and regret wasting so much time on her--she turned not to be a friend to me at all. I will always have to be on guard against my naivete.

[@treelover1050]

IT'S GOOD TO FOLLOW YOUR GUT WHEN DEALING WITH OTHER PEOPLE EVEN.COUSINS.

[@gorillabff1003]

Yes I followed my sisters dictates for decades. I knew no better starting out in life. She was my older sister so for the early years it made sense she knew better. Made life easier or so I thought at the time. She really is a nightmare though for anyone close to her. Very few warm feelings toward her looking back as “close” as we once were. (Ie So long as I remained submissive. Only then can we be “close”.). Now, I feel like a fool for letting it go on so long I always knew there was something wrong with her but not until I started listening to DrC and other narc experts did I understand I wasn’t the problem at all (of course per my narc I was ALWAYS the problem). Now I see clearly, I’m onto her and today I get to enjoy healthy relationships while she’s condemned to be herself. Always trying to whip the latest unfortunate in her life into some foolish submission. Awareness like learning from Dr C and seeing the patterns Of behaviour repeating themselves incessantly no matter who the narc deals with have been so key in my healing path. Blessings and better days ahead for all of us ! 💕🥰

[@dmrenterprizes4101]

@ Gorilla BFF. "Condemned to be herself." I like the way you say that. Such wretched people have to live with themselves. The perfect punishment for them. It's funny but I have never envied cruel people no matter how affluent they were. Your statement put it into perspective.

[@Cerez78]

I am same as you. We need to demonstrate better leadership and often it comes by developing greater self esteem and self-love.

[@lindajeanschaffers3673]

Wish I had this information 30 years ago. However while there is life in you there is hope. Thank you.

[@CarolynsRVLife]

oh my gosh. yes, you always explain things in ways that turn the light bulb on for me! Thank you!!!

[@cynthiarunge4858]

This is good ! Control is very good sign ...that they are narcissistic

[@shantellcobb7067]

OMG Yes 🤦

[@LittleKitty22]

Constantly walking on eggshells and pretending to be what they want us to be - is living a lie. We cannot live a lie for long because not being able to be ourselves destroys the soul. And, contrary to these things that are narcissists, we do have souls - real, living souls that make us individual, unique, that make us who we are!

[@jmad627]

I see my mother all over this. It goes a long way to displaying her behavior. I stay away as much as possible now. It’s my only defense.

[@sylviacaldwell2139]

Narcissist are full of Pride and Rebellion!!

[@itisfinishednowtimetoclean2723]

No bullies allowed-Period. Relationship is a mutual give and take, I am no longer a push over, or able to be pushed around. Someone needs to come up with a bully deterrent something akin to bear spray, they are not soft and cuddly ! I’d buy…😁😁. Thanks Dr. Carter for leading the masses, to understanding of healthy boundaries! I’m getting this down pat.

[@deborahdalton6399]

I'd buy too 😃!!

[@itisfinishednowtimetoclean2723]

The Narc Spray should be called Narc-Can’t! 🤨😂🤣

[@deborahcollins1100]

Yes yes yes, I am definitely married two a large bully 😢

[@melissam.6054]

@@deborahcollins1100 I once was married to a verbal bully, too. I pray you gain the strength & knowledge you need from watching Dr. C's videos -- he has some fantastic ones that instruct us on how we can respond to Narcs with dignity, respect, & civility, which also help us grow a spine against ALL types of Narcs. Other Narc-experienced counselors who provide excellent guidance are Dr. Romani (KZbin) and Leslie Vernick (website under her own name). And "Boundaries in Marriage" by Drs. John Townsend & Henry Cloud is a how-to help guide. And how-to lists that gave me the words to say are also in "Love and Respect", by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs -- the Appendix gives all the lists in short, easy formats. You are one of God's daughters, Deborah. He wants to help you self-reflect on the deeper reasons you were attracted to your husband, so you can heal those deeper places -- because once you do, you'll grow such a rock-solid core of inner strength, dignity, and self-worth that you'll stand taller as your new discernment & eyesight helps you see all Narcs for what they are: emotionally disregulated toddlers, trapped in adult bodies. Would we allow an angry, irrational toddler or teenager in a grocery store to call the shots in our lives and tell us what we "should" think, say, or do? Of course not. That's all an adult Narc is. As soon as I realized I had nothing left to lose (and everything to gain in sanity & peace & joy) by exiting from my emotionally, psychologically, & verbally abusive & deceit-filled marriage, I lost all my fear as a giant weight fell off my back. I wasn't responsible for trying to fix/change my husband -- he was ... nor were his secret addictions & character disorders any reflection on my worth or value, as a woman & as a wife. Praying for your strength, courage, and perseverance in your healing and growth, dear sister. Dignity, respect, joy, and peace are your birthright -- and every minute of your life is precious, because the world needs your gifts & talents that God gave you❣🙏💜🥲 things will get better, and you will be happy again one day. "You've always had the power, my dear -- you just had to learn that for yourself!" -- Glenda the Good Witch, to Dorothy (Wizard of Oz)

[@itisfinishednowtimetoclean2723]

@@melissam.6054 Thank you for the information it’s helpful to all. I stayed in for 27 years and never had a problem standing up. I was raised in a home where I witnessed mutual respect and loving commitment, I feared that my absence would expose my now adult child to potentially threatening other family of my, now X! I am a child of God and aptly named-I won’t say my name bcs I don’t desire to be identified by X as he stalked me for years, threats…. Now I am capable of viable self defense and he knows it. These types are dark characters but my marriage was covert abuse, and I am presently in counseling with a trauma specialist, and a psychiatrist, Thank God (literally) for good counsel. It was by God’s Grace alone that I got out alive and in tact! You are kind, I appreciate your responses and information as I will look it up, I am familiar with Dr. Ramani, she’s a gift as is Dr. C, as well as this beautiful community of support. I pray for all who have been effected by this disorder. It’s tragic, but I know there is Hope and I’m a person of deep abiding faith, sounds like you are too! Thank you agai, for the information and God Bless You!🌸🌺🌻

[@kevinsworld5088]

Never become financially dependant on anyone. If you grow/grew up in a narcistic home, you are on your own. No one will help you. Learn, while distancing yourself at the same time. This is survival. I am eternally grateful I am a genius, 70 years old, and learned this when I was 10, and told I was nothing but a stomach to feed, and if I wanted more, I must get it myself. Best gift I ever got. My siblings never learned, and still suffer the effects. God Bless!

[@lindawade7284]

I Totally Agree 👍

[@angelicsiren11]

This, unfortunately, is so true. I have slowly been learning this over the past 10 years but have had a major breakthrough in the past 6 months. I knew something wasn’t right but it took me stepping back for a second time with a new perspective, to really realize that. Money or gifts as a form of manipulation. I never wanted anything from her but she would also offered to replace my tire or pay for something. She never got the picture that I didn’t need/want her help. Once I figured that out and could see it, I felt better.

[@Isochest]

Society is as a whole rotten because it cedes power and privilege to Narcissists. Teaching your children firm boundaries is seen as an act of rebellion. But firm boundaries are the Winning Formula. So let Society bugger itself!

[@jan-christinejohnson5256]

Retired this week as an Executive Assistant for the very reasons that Dr. Carter discusses.

[@jmfs3497]

I am close enough to the executive office in my position that I am surrounded by ladder climbing narcissists and flying monkeys. I know the feeling.

[@katen1228]

I went along to get along for 30+ years. He always said: “Can’t you just except me the way I am?” That shut me up. I finally had it after 35 years. I finally figured it out. Have been gone for almost 12 years. Sure wish I would have figured it out sooner and left left 30 years sooner.

[@steviefazza8750]

Hello again from Liverpool, UK 👍 They want your reactions to justify their disgraceful behaviours.

[@mollydooker9636]

Because of my unpleasant childhood I tend to be a little avoidant and leave an emotional gap behind myself and others , not generally healthy I know. However in my last relationship with a covert narc tbh this saved me. I smiled nodded and just watched him make an utter tit out of himself with childish histrionics. Then I got up and walked out , no warning, no discussion, no debate. Such an incredible relief to be out of that toxicity. Thank you as always for your excellent guidance.

[@makesnodifference]

AWESOMENESS

[@Iberotimuka]

tell me about it, you just made me feel so reassured that I wasn't alone, because I read so much about how much narcissists affect you and how toxic it is and yet I see the signs with my partner and my sister but I just can't let it affect me or care enough, mostly as you say because my childhood taught me to be detached.

[@operationpaperclip3952]

I've done the no debate, no explanation ation thing myself. It's beautiful. Ass wipe came back 8 Yeats wanting to know whT happened. I said that I'm not the kind of girl to beg a man to marry me. Of he doesn't get it that he loves me, after a year and a half of dating, WHY am I going to argue him into loving me? I told him that I left bc he didn't ha e balls to even ask me to his girlfriend after 3 months. I told him we dated vc I was his last opportunity to go out on Friday. He is a loser. For a whole year he would call me late for a date. Then he tries assuring he that he did love me. I told him FUNNY but Yiu never told me and neither did you EVER ask me to be your girl.

[@coramerry3887]

PNES and Functional Neurological disorder after a life of every type of abuse . i want to live before i die. I'm exhausted

[@heidibennett6622]

Perfectly describes my childhood experiences with my father. Still trying to love myself after 51 years and a lifetime of romantic narcissistic relationships😵

[@choosejoy93]

Keep moving forward and working on loving yourself! You are so worthy of your own love and deserve so much happiness! You will get there. It takes time, I know. 💜

[@sfletch3042]

Heidi, you are enough! You are beautiful and are deserving of love and respect! I feel your pain as I have experienced it. I wish you all the good things in this life. Love and light to you sweet lady❤. We all need to recognize daily that we aren't aren't problem and never were sbd we deserve the respect etc we never got growing up and after. This community is here for you! 😊

[@heidibennett6622]

@@sfletch3042 Thank you 🙌

[@caroleminke6116]

A narcissist is an empty shell just playing a shell game throughout life so don’t be a sucker or you will also feel emptiness! Take back your power with a silent voice & use your feet to walk away…

[@sallyjaynes2433]

*Submission - NOPE* ......*Joy & Peace - YES* #teamhealthy Thank you Dr. C. 🙌☮️

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

I'm with you, Sally!

[@ylarrymore]

I love the unbothered peaceful pup laying on the couch ❤️ Great info...all facts!

[@kirstiehill7245]

Hey My Name’s Kirsty I stopped talking to my mom, who I felt was a narcissist, almost three years ago I feel I have been devalued all my life, from birth, and this is why it took years for me to feel confident about going ‘no contact’. I was so confused, I was in incredible emotional pain, because I didn’t know whether my feelings about her were real or not I watched your videos, and others on narcissism, and chose to go ‘no contact’ I didn’t understand your videos, so I couldn’t feel that I was in the right Almost three years later, I get it. I just watched your video on them needing to not feel like a nobody, and making people submit, It’s called ‘I Need This’, and was made a year ago. I feel like a whole person now, I’m in a reality where I can understand this video. This is the first time I feel confident in the way I feel about her Thank you for your videos, among others, they have saved me I don’t think I will ever fall for this again from her. I’ve wanted to feel this way for a long time, it’s so painful, to feel like there’s a chance I will lose my self esteem again. The whole of my life, I’ve been in searing emotional pain. I was in agony, just thinking about her and the situation of ‘no contact’, after I went no contact. I kept Jesus’s commandment of ‘don’t worry’, every time the situation entered my mind, and just hoped that, one day, I would be able to feel the truth inside, to understand narcissism enough to feel confident in my choice Thank you Kirsty

[@valerieursin3341]

Submission is exactly what they want and if you do give in, they will despise you all the more. It’s so ironic. As a teacher, I wish we taught life skills like how to protect our students from these narcissistic monsters! It has been my experience that their lives are empty and when they see you are happy and fulfilled they can’t stand it. I can spot one a mile away where I could never see it before- my advice RUN! The moment you sense it, make an excuse and find a bathroom that locks!

[@TinaLouise73]

No matter how nice I am to ppl the majority of em hate on me for NO reason! Fed up of being tolerant towards unfair nasty bullies n their hateful behaivours towards me!

[@northstar5919]

What I see is that a great majority of people dont know how to behave around these people. Toxic individuals are aggressive and very difficult to deal with so people stay silent, suffer for years and do nothing about it, saying it is easier that way than to confront attacks .

[@olderandwiser333]

I caved for years before I recognized my daughter's narcissism and I damn near lost my soul.

[@ssdavis02]

Same here. My son was literally trying to run me into an early grave. Once I caught on to his vicious abuse cycle, I had to break away to save my life. It was going to be death by a thousand cuts :( I'm slowly trying to heal my soul and body.

[@tflworld1795]

I like your videos. I think narcissists can really cause a tremendous amount of problems. You never know what version of this person you will get. It's taxing. I still think it not only mentally but also physically is damaging to their victims. Narcissists have zero insight. They also seem to have no responsibilities. Like being a child until your ultimate demise. I ask for prayers. As I have a lifetime of dealing with these individuals. I think it's as close to being damned as humanly possible on earth. Well as a christain. I look to one day meeting my maker after all of this persecution and hearing well done good and faithful servant. One day I would like to become a missionary or join some sort of religious life. I'm a single male. I have no interest in a relationship with a woman. I just want to serve my Lord in any way he feels I can try to make this world a better place. Perhaps I have to go through this for a pretty interesting testimony. But how long can this go on. This has been decades of living this way. Constantly on edge. Never having peace. Or rarely having peace. If I didn't have faith in Christ. I don't know where I would be. But please pray. God will hold me together. By the way. Holy week is next week. Remember Christ's sacrifice so we who submit to His Almighty will might gain eternal life. God Bless everyone.

[@angelabrooke4482]

I’m with you brother!! If I didn’t have my faith and relationship with God, I wouldn’t be able to go on. Praise God, he is our friend, healer, saviour!

[@MissAndDav]

God bless you, may he cause his face to shine upon you and give you peace.

[@mariannemcguff3755]

I love that you write out the important points onto the screen!!

[@krejados1]

After a 50 year connection with someone I now realise has treated me with narcissistic disdain for at least all of our adult lives and probably during our late teens as well, I am in the process of breaking away. The catalyst was a glaring invitation to self-humiliate, topped off with an extra helping of abasement. When I called her out on it, she went straight into victim mode, blame-shifting and invalidation. I didn't buy that, either. Is it weird that I'm not even sad? Mad, yes - but not sad. After all, we only had a half-century of friendship in my mind. Now, it's just a matter of git 'er done.

[@ThisIsMe155]

The exact same thing happened to me recently with my 'oldest' childhood best friend. Thoughts and Prayers. 🙏😊🙏😊💕💕

[@jpc3603]

“I'm not going to give my heart and soul over to someone who sees my degradation as the solution to their pitiable insecurity” - these are extremely powerful words, thank you. Many of us who aren't necessarily in a relationship with one but have to encounter a narcissist in other situations need to internalise this. I recently found the 'grey rock' technique very useful; when I encountered their overly dominating presence and it quite frankly felt like they were trying to pull my strings like a puppet, I said the bare minimum and barely changed facial expressions - it really threw them! Seriously, I think because I'd been a bit submissive in our previous encounter (while I was working out how I wanted to move forward with future unavoidable interactions) they thought this would be the way forward...er no! It left me with my boundaries and self respect intact and I was able to move on and have healthy interesting interactions with others at the event instead of overflowing with the awful feelings that ensue from submitting to unempathic people.

[@salauerman7082]

“My degradation is NOT the solution to their pitiable insecurity”: AMEN! The narc is older than me. I was shy as a child. I have an idea why I was shy, now.

[@nobullpracticality1824]

External Validation❗️

[@desert_moon]

Yep. My husband recently told our counselor that what he wants is submission, and quickly added "in the Biblical sense". Very telling. Our arguments are almost always due to the fact that my opinion or point of view differs from his, and he says I do it just to oppose him. No, I've lived a full life before being with him, that's where it comes from. For 10yrs now I've felt like I've lost myself BUT I'm getting me back. He doesn't like it.

[@treelover1050]

BE SELF RESPECTING AND LEAVE HIM.

[@savetrump9120]

Why the counseling? You know things will only get worse for you. Please don't be one of those commenters who say after 20 years or 30 years it's finally over. I waisted 10 years of my life on nothing because of a narc. I had a life before the narc and I had a better life after the narc. If things were going to get better with him then it would already be better. Oh they will change and then they will change right back. Fire the counselor and hire a lawyer. Don't waist your life on nothing, they really are nothing but problems.

[@verseau8360]

The narc will never change. Never. Do yourself a favor and leave before you waste anymore time or effort.

[@dmrenterprizes4101]

Biblical sense? I shouldn't be surprised. I now think that much of the bible was written by ancient narcs.

[@eddierayvanlynch6133]

I have to say it's both creepy and frightening that he would tell that to a counselor. And ime, I must say that the only way a narc will change is to get more adept at concealing their behavior from outsiders.

[@MariosEvoCy]

Very correct once more my friend, could not agree more. The key points of submission , manipulation, dominance, are the materials which the main axle of a narcissistic entity's personality, is made of. Narcissists would use all the unethical tricks and methods in the book to make these characteristics have the most effect on people. I have come across these, a plethora of times throughout my life and I still do. I urge people with all my heart not to give in to the narcissist as you will be devoured by them and you will lose yourself. Their aim is to make you their puppet and their source of narcissistic supply. Personally I love being a nobody in the healthy sense of it.

[@Cerez78]

Perfectly stated. They abuse power in service-to-self endeavors. They're very smart, but very evil.

[@kimberlymccracken747]

Another zinger!! "...someone who sees my degradation as the solution for their pitiable insecurity.". Couldn't have said it better!! Thanks Dr. C 👍❤️🙏

[@charlottemuller2233]

This doctor has freed a lot of people!!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

I sure hope so!

[@candyapple7445]

I have only watched maybe five or six of your videos, but this one is the best reminder yet of why I refuse all contact with my mother and don’t need to feel guilty about it. I had forgotten exactly how it was for so long! Thank you for helping to strengthen my resolve.

[@Dansyoung]

They want you to put up with all their BS without you calling them on it. Walk away, screw that have some self respect. Bye bye, there’s the door

[@kimsherlock8969]

Thankyou I have had to discard my own family Broken by the importance of my Mothers own needs. My siblings are each as myself emotionally disturbed clinging to a MOTHER who had discarded us as teenagers. I have made a huge step forward To not be involved anymore in my Mothers drama Real or otherwise. To not be emotionally manipulated buy sisters demanding my duty with malice and guilt to be available when only they need me for serving them. I want my life without the destructive behaviour of guilt 😔 and the manipulation of my heart.

[@lovelytunes4me]

Excellent description of how victims of narcissistic abuse lose their sense of joy and peace and become ridden with anxiety.

[@camarorules1]

I just experienced my last attempt from my ex and daughter to exploit my love for them…love is an extremely strong pull but I pulled out of it…I love me and will continue to seek healthy relationships. My prayers are for my grandchildren caught up in this…🙏😢❤️

[@pamelakelley5535]

Thank u Dr. C, my ex narc used to do this all the time. He wanted absolute control. We could never have a normal conversation about anything without him becoming angry. It was that How dare you? All the time so glad I started listening to you and Dr. Ramani I will be forever grateful for my education. I am FREE! ♥️😁

[@bettyveronica9880]

Lisa A. Romano is another good one to check out. 🙂

[@angelakh4147]

Dr. C, I just want to say thank you. It’s information like this that I have been getting from you and a few more doctors on KZbin that has enabled me to realize I am not crazy, weak, or stupid. I have experienced tremendous growth in the last two years mentally, emotionally, and intellectually. All of this has enabled me to know myself and treat myself with respect and honor. My divorce was final yesterday. I can’t believe how complete and intact I feel. I have real excitement about my future and look forward to getting to know myself even better. You are one of the people I have to thank for that. After being the only child of an angry, hate-filled narcissistic mother, the wife of a sociopath, and then the wife of a much less dangerous but nonetheless narcissist, the joy of coming out of the darkness and into the light is indescribable.

[@kenzo9644]

Thank-you Dr.C & Gus once again you've hit the nail on the head Sir that's why I had to leave my family never to return [not funerals & not for any reason ] [don't be the dog that returns to eat it's own vomit]. I cannot disrespect myself by placing myself before these lizard brained individuals . 🐶 🦎🚢 cheers from down under

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Stay strong, Kenzo!

[@shereeholland172]

Aww Gus has assumed the position on the couch again! Too cute.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Woof! Hi Sheree.

[@t.l.7733]

I must say, as a lifelong narc victim to a narc mother & a survivor from so-called friends & bosses...when they come at me w/ their demands, there's no way I would ever say "I'm not going to conform, but, I'd be willing to meet you half way." These parasitic predators have zero interest in doing that & you're just going to create a narcissistic injury. It's radical acceptance w/ grey rock or no contact.

[@deadmanswife3625]

Yeah T. L. I feel you. They've always got all the reasons. My place is bigger I'm more used to doing this. I can handle that but not what you're suggesting. it's better for us if we just do it my way. Take it or leave it blah blah blah

[@gorillabff1003]

Yes grey rock is helpful in some situations but the real best answer is to minimize contact as much as possible (narc is in my family) and if possible go no contact. They are non negotiable. They always return to their toxic ways no matter how many “epiphanies” they may have with promises to do better. They can keep better behaviour up for a short time. Not for long! It’s the way their mind works and behaviour patterns. No changing it. Just best to stay away no contact if possible 🥰

[@eddierayvanlynch6133]

@@gorillabff1003 Agreed. Once a narc has the skill of manipulating others, especially if they have useful idiots or flying monkeys, they only get more problematic. I've read a lot of comments, gaining some excellent viewpoints in the last couple years... But I have NEVER read a comment suggesting anyone has witnessed a person with highly narc behavior do a 180 and become a more balanced individual. (Regardless of a professional diagnosis) I would really love to, and would feel hopeful, but I won't hold my breath waiting.

[@lisaroy551]

Just today she tried to get me to submit to her domination. She emailed a litany of our last phone conversation; after twisting my words into absolute lies; foolish and ridiculous lies that I called her out on. I said that "This is why I prefer texting or email - you can't twist my words into a full fabrication." I realize I simply cannot trust her on a phone call ever again; without a third party observing. It rang so true that she "needs my degradation as a solution to her insecurity." It is clear that without my submission; there is simply no relationship. Thanks for this.

[@k8eekatt]

That little sleeping dog gives me a peaceful feeling even listening to this🥰

[@angelamwatts]

When an individual submits to a narcissist, the person loses their individuality. You become a puppet mentally enslaved by the narcissist. I saw this happen between my uncle and my cousin, his son. My uncle had such control over my cousin it was to the point where the guy had to look at his father for approval before he responded to anyone who spoke to him. Here's a guy who had to have his father accompany him to a job interview. At the end of the job interview, my uncle said to the interviewer "when are you going to hire my son." This is a serious psychiatric illness and it's abnormal. They wore matching clothes too. They were really sick people

[@privatejen3590]

In any dealings with narcissists, everyone (including the narcissists) loses since neither feels safe to speak their truth. Both are presenting a false self that desires to feel worthy. If we are not in truth, we cannot experience our worth nor our interconnectedness. It is a painful way to live.

[@cacatr4495]

Notable Quote: Both are presenting a false self that desires to feel worthy. If we are not in truth, we cannot experience our worth nor our interconnectedness. That means they don't have an actual heart-connection, they are both just pretending to have one, and trying or persuading themselves to be content with what they choose to think they have, believing a lie. What they think they have, they don't have. It's smoke and mirrors, a mirage, self-deception. It's mental gymnastics; they're both lying to themselves. Neither can speak the truth, because it would reveal them, and those two aren't going to do that. Talk about living false lives . .

[@nana820able]

You have put into words exactly how I've felt for over 40 years being married to a narcissist. We have never shared our dreams or been able to work together to build a better life.

[@dianealden9293]

It took a decade to reinvent and reinvest in myself after being married to a narcissist. A clinical psychologist told me to recall when I liked myself and who I was prior to meeting the narc. I did that and it was a kind of starting point. My advice post narc keep a journal and immerse yourself in one life, do things you used to enjoy doing and hobbies you gave up. Friends you drifted away from thanks to narc isolation tactics - go back to and try to repair the damage - same with family. As you get older the authentic self seems to return. Two things I prayed for added to the repair; pray for a grateful heart and a sense of adventure.

[@judysangregorio2787]

Yeah, it’s best to never let a creep get the upper hand. They’ll never admit how harmful and disrespectful they are, so it’s best to avoid them completely and set healthy boundaries. Thanks Dr C….and Hi to Gus!

[@dumblizzie]

They have no empathy or compassion so have no conscience about getting their own way.

[@peaceangel-rl2hf]

You are right about their need for submission from you. I see this commonality with family, friends, at work etc...they only like ppl who they can control. They constantly try to contact you, harass, manipulate, guilt, shame, charm, persist and wear you down emotionally...they are just major PESTS. Block them and live for yourself. They ruin lives

[@kf4722]

Another amazing video given by Dr Carter! I wrote down the brilliant messages. Especially like when you said “Im not giving over my heart and soul over to someone who sees my degradation as the solution to their Pitiable insecurity! Brilliant indeed! Thanks again Dr C.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You're very welcome

[@crete275]

"The opposite of courage in our society is not cowardice, it is conformity." - Rollo May, 'The Courage To Create', 1975.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

When I was in grad school, Rollo May was one of my favorite writers.

[@goodenoughgirl8102]

I just watched “The Island” last night. Talk about an extreme example of them not letting you have your own individuality or agency or just living your own life. The concept was human cloning and it was a lot more triggering and familiar to me than I would’ve liked to admit. Just how we aren’t even considered real humans to them. Many reasons (according to them) why we wouldn’t ever be “allowed” by them to ever just have a life of our own. We are to them only their self serving tools and if we ever fly the coop and tell others the truth, then they lose their “asset” and we may wind up wrecking their entire facade. Oh well. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’d rather be a wrecking ball tho than an eternally dutiful clone. And if they’re ever “good” to us or “taking care of us” then you can be sure it’s only like fattening up the pig for slaughter. Or just like Hansel was fed the most choice food by the witch (while locked in his cage) but she only had plans to bake him up for her own food. No matter what, it is all just totally self serving and just all about them only.

[@GG-ul8ne]

Oh my gosh, I also watched that same movie, same night as you, on KZbin. And, I could only get somewhere around halfway through it, before I had to stop, because I was so sickened, by watching it. It was the same sickening feeling I had, when I was a live-in housekeeper & cook for a narc ex family friend (who, no surprise, strung me along, & ended up never paying me, and not giving me one of his empty bedrooms to use, while there, doing that job for him). He, instead, decided that I was there to do EVERYTHING for him, and tried coercing me to do sex with him. Unbeknownst to me, during this 2yr nightmare, he was smear-campaigning me, while telling people I was his girlfriend (I was NOT his gf: he's old enough to be my father). And, he started telling people that he was going to try to have a child with him & that I was going to take out a home loan to buy us a house together. He would try to demand my submission, as if I was his wife. I literally had to report him to police for verbal, emotional, mental, and sexual assault/abuse. He would also try to make me eat a lot, to gain a bunch of weight, because he was trying to mould me into his person toy, and didn't want me to leave there, or to find love again, since my husband died.

[@goodenoughgirl8102]

@@GG-ul8ne Oh dang. I’m sorry. That is just horrible tho. Def some creepy, slimy cretins out there and being stuck under the same roof with them is just the worst (or in a car also). Def it was hard to watch. I don’t think I could have handled it if the clones didn’t “win” in the end. I started feeling a lot of stuff about it more the next couple of days after I watched it. Like some kind of delayed reaction I was having. Def so many similar aspects about it tho that is like dealing with Narcs (or for me narc parents and then of course more narcs and psychos later in my life like some revolving door).

[@adamv4951]

Perfect timing. The Mrs. today went to get eggs and dog food at Costco as we agreed upon but then filled the cart up with 150 dollars worth of other stuff and sent me a request to venmo her the money for it. When I told her I was only paying for the two items as agreed (mindo you I just spent 150 bucks at walmart the other day and the house and freezers are jammed pack with food), she told me I am stingy with the money and only buy food I like (not true at all). I just calmly told her if she wants those items, she can pay for them with her money (she works but I pay 100% of the bills) and next time to consult with me before adding to the cart as most the items she buys we already have. She gave me a cold bye and hung up the phone. Interestingly enough, she still came home with all those items. Obviously could afford them but just upset that I wasn't footing her bill. I know in marriage you are suppose to share your money, but with a shopping addicted narcissist, it just doesn't work. 100% correct. She didn't like it that she thought she could corner me and I didn't submit.

[@adamv4951]

@LoveMyMini thank you

[@adamv4951]

@@smith8281 the hypocrisy is disgusting. See it all the time.

[@choosejoy93]

This video was more triggering than I thought it would be because of how true this is. I can't tell you how many times I would convince myself that going along with what my narcissistic parents wanted was the easier route. I had zero sense of self worth, hated myself and found every thought or opinion I had was stupid. I struggled with making decisions and still do. I've come such a long way. Being reminded of this dominating mentality makes me sick, knowing that I lived through it. 😵‍💫🤦‍♀️

[@glrinc7756]

I have a narcissistic neighbor who believes his dirt bike and ATV riding is okay until as late as midnight. He is less than 25 feet from my bedroom window. He wants me to accept his antisocial behavior, but I am unable to do that, so the fight goes on! His mind set is confusing and not "normal". Thank you for your channel! Glad to know I'm not alone in dealing with this strange mind set.

[@nancywysemen7196]

joy and peace are worthy goals. thank-you.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Yes, they are!

[@meanderingmuse8101]

I love the way you explain things! You really shine a light on all the facets of the narcissist's behavior.

[@deborahnorahmc3257]

I’ve just started coming to terms with the reality of my situation with a narc. I do honestly believe I would have taken my own life if it wasn’t for finding this community I had been driven to such mind frying desperation. I always find exactly what I need and I’m truly grateful for the enlightenment and support 🙏🏼

[@Jessladybug-t1v]

I feel the same 😢way

[@50hellkat2]

I guess one way to get along with a narcissist is to agree with what they say and then go ahead and do what you want.

[@jessegee179]

Yes, my stress came from saying yes, when I really wanted to say No.

[@Datb2]

Omg yes