Best HFY Reddit Stories: Never Go To War With Humans!

[@carlfranz6805]

You forgot the point where we make sure if we don't win you will certainly lose.

[@Aminuts2009]

Spite is a powerful emotion.

[@lukkaredwolf3534]

"There is room in this grave for you, too."

[@dashwhatchamakalit]

Phyrric Victories are the only ones we'll allow.

[@liquidpatriot4480]

You may win, but we'll make that victory so costly it will taste as bitter as defeat.

[@RichardX1]

"You'll walk over, but you're limpin' back." --Grandma Klump

[@randomcenturion7264]

The reason you don't wage war with humans? It's quite simple really. Humans have realized, with each war, we get a little better at it. In fact, we kind of get excited about the prospect. And a war against something we don't even have to go to the effort of dehumanizing? Oh boy.

[@ehsnils]

Time to bring up that old story "Pandora's Planet" by Christopher Anvil.

[@howardchambers9679]

And eventually the kids come up against a foe that has weapons similar to their own. See how they do then. And I don't just mean small arms.

[@spaceengineeringempire4086]

Like we don’t like to do wars aginst our own world it ruins them. Hell France still hasn’t recovered from our First World War (true thing there are still unexploded mines and gas bombs. Edit: I hate autocorrect)

[@kathylecluyse7820]

@@spaceengineeringempire4086 Belgium too. All too often farmers run into explosives while plowing their land.

[@spaceengineeringempire4086]

@@kathylecluyse7820 I think some time within 157 years from now we might be able to get every explosive device that failed to detonate.

[@Bonedragon1300]

I love the idea of Klingons spending there time playing CoD against human kids, lol

[@evernewb2073]

eh, sounded more like Eve Online ^the only game in which there are literal 12 year old warlords at the head of actual armies -to be more specific we're talking "clans" thousands of people strong with each individual player controlling logistics roughly equivalent to a large company in the real world, even minor wars in there tend to considerably surpass the complexity of something like when china finally decides to pull the trigger on the land grab action it is getting more and more desperate to enact.

[@TheMonkey747]

The Klingons might just find the twerp, and adopt them.😂

[@number-14]

The children are outdoing the top professionals, because the children just enjoy the violence so much.

[@notajetplane]

I like to imagine the 12 year old shit talking to a klingon while repeatedly crouching in game.😂😂

[@Mr.SpikyGoldenRodThe2nd]

lol@@evernewb2073

[@belorianuskane1952]

Humans: "If you don't come in peace, you'll leave in pieces."

[@entangledatoms7153]

“Ha! How could you have been beaten by a mere human child! And you call yourself a Klingon?! Detestable! Let me get a try of this incredibly easy game!” -Unknowing Klingon

[@donanthebarbarian5177]

Yeah I think the fact that a majority of Klingon military command who are treated as a unbeatable opponent under equal tech and resource levels by the federation is constantly engaging in simulated wars with human children in a human game and failing to last more than a simulated year against human kids who are more busy trying to backstab, trick, and other underhandedly acquire the position of winner from each other doesn't tell you everything you need to know about how utterly outclassed everyone else is I don't know what can.

[@dontuspowerus1093]

@@donanthebarbarian5177 K1: AGH! IF ONLY I CAN USE MELEE COMBAT, THEY WILL SEE HOW UTTERLY OUTCLASSED THEY ARE! K2: I have a problem with reaching down my leg to use my secondary weapon each time I ran out of bullets in the game.

[@commissaryarrick9670]

Immediately gets smoked and called the n word by a 10 year old

[@-w-4252]

“You’re dogwater, alien bitch.” -6 year old COD

[@sayansaha155]

​@@dontuspowerus1093skill issue be like.

[@vandalsavage2074]

" Beware the warriors that teabag the dead" -Klingongamer46

[@TheSurvivor637]

The idea that we are basically the universes reset button against all life and the fact we are basically constantly holding ourselves back from destroying entire worlds filled with life is honestly kinda terrifying to think about.

[@Kokuyous3ki]

And it is surprisingly easy to accept :)

[@Aabergm]

Yeah but also sounds super accurate, we are really really good at breaking things.

[@TheStartrek99]

​@@Aabergm and building things from the remnants of what we destroyed.

[@lukkaredwolf3534]

Its never a war crime the first time.

[@omargoodman2999]

Look it up in the Geneva Suggestions.

[@ettibbet5493]

​@@omargoodman2999checklist

[@MrSirwolf2001]

Quack Bang out...

[@NathanSteich]

It's not a war crime if there's no evidence. *insert mushroom cloud*

[@Kokuyous3ki]

@@NathanSteich Ⱄ ?

[@jamesappling1212]

The real reason We haven't went back to the Moon is simple. There were no Klingons.😉

[@widdershins5383]

That actually makes a lot of sense lol alien in general, but still

[@richardprzybylek5847]

Ancient man thought the moon was made of cheese 60 years ago we landed and found none we have not returned behold the power of cheese

[@charlesmclain6558]

No oil either

[@stevedixon921]

@@richardprzybylek5847 Moon made of Cheese?...we go to moon. Moon made of Rocks?...we stay home. We have rocks at home already. Nuff said.

[@attila535]

@@stevedixon921 Inb4 we go back to the Moon to wagewar over moon rocks, because they contain He3.

[@broEye1]

The most absurd part of all these is the descriptions of the "death world" of Earth. "Solar flares of a magnitude that could blast the atmosphere of the planet into space"? Right. Truth is our star's one of the most docile we've found anywhere. The easy majority of even "sunlike" stars shoot out far stronger flares at far higher intervals. In reality, aliens would be envious of us for living in a such a peaceful star system.

[@donanthebarbarian5177]

Given the stuff mentioned I get the feeling we may be a layover to the galaxy due to getting bogged down amongst ourselves for losing enough that the universe and thus earth may be a lot older than they currently are.

[@brycecollins7550]

I see your point, but to be fair, as far as we know those systems with more volatile stars are death systems, so ours might be on the cusp of the "death- world class" so, to the hypothetical aliens it is still a miracle that we are here.

[@lokdog257]

Our whole solar system is crazy unique.

[@Ministry_Of_Silly_Walks]

I think he meant the most violent among stars that have inhabitable planets.

[@broEye1]

@@Ministry_Of_Silly_WalksThing is so far we haven't found even ONE planet that is "habitable" by our understanding. This "death world" nonsense requires that there be tons of stars out there that we haven't found in all our searching that are somehow more stable than our own (which is one of if not the most stable star of its size out there, and smaller stars are invariably far worse), with planets that managed to develop right to create and maintain a molten core for a magnetosphere but paradoxically little tectonics and thus less or no earthquakes and volcanoes, with a powerful photosphere to protect from radiation from outside the system (requiring high solar activity despite the tame star), multiple other rare protective layers, and on top of all that a neighborhood that is abnormally docile. If our world is a "death world" more dangerous than any other life-giving system, then everything we know right now would suggest that life-supporting systems are among the rarest things imaginable. Even predictions made by scientists about possible habitable worlds tend to involve characteristics that would seem hellish to us. Frankly, the lost continent of Mu is more credible.

[@gingerkitton2336]

just imagining the 2G gravity made my back hurt like it was caring Sisyphus' bolder

[@omargoodman2999]

2G, but by what standard? *We* define 1G as 1× *Earth* gravity, but why would the intergalactic community use Earth as a standard metric? If I had to throw out an educated guess, whatever is the median G-rating among the worlds of this confederation would be G; and the median rating of worlds that have students at this academy is 2G. And the rating of Earth, relative to the _galactic standard,_ would probably be in the range of 1.5-2.5G based on existing HFY trends.

[@Robert-ry6xe]

@@omargoodman2999probably wouldn’t be a good idea To have scientific terminology change depending on who’s in the room. I assume the speech and the measurements were just translated from the alien language into English.

[@Dostoron]

Isn't earth gravity defined as 10g these days?

[@Robert-ry6xe]

@@Dostoron we can’t survive 10g

[@Ministry_Of_Silly_Walks]

But the Gorn was happy, and that’s what counts.

[@norneaernourn8240]

I can understand why the Klingon would hate us so much after getting griefed, ganked and then t-bagged playing against some of the trolliest gamers out there... kids.

[@Gabryal77]

I love the idea that some gamer leaked classified specs to the Klingons a la War Thunder

[@ravenouself4181]

War Thunder be like: You call that Intelligence Gathering? Pathetic!

[@Ministry_Of_Silly_Walks]

I loved the part with the Klingon military engaged in simulated conflict gamer kids having fun. I’d like to be a fly on the wall when a Klingon encountered a ganker or griefer.

[@smokinggnu6584]

Klingon High Command: "What the hell is a 'skill issue'???"

[@whiterabbit75]

They should feel lucky that Eve Online never survived long enough for us to reach the stars. The power imbalance would be impossible to overcome.

[@Mitheledh]

And thus the Klingons learn about "tea bagging"

[@dagan2000]

This Camper has no honor!

[@Empire_of_Cetus]

When i heard"Klingon", my Star trek senses started tingling

[@MBaldelli]

Interesting cross-over of the Trek Universe to HFY. Definitely was entertaining to listen to as I cooked lunch.

[@CJ-jo6do]

Humans, not only have written the book on the essents of warfare, they turned it into an art form. And win or lose, they get better at it. The most dangerous thing you can do is win a war against humans, because they learn more in defeat than they gain in victory. And that's not including their spite.

[@ender_slayer3]

And from the distant fringes of known space, they heard a single guttural sound... WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!

[@SHADOWBLADE8182]

Net I adore ur vids! I watch them every day! Keep up ur amazing work!

[@hoangvuification]

His weak attemp at human humor made me laugh

[@gamecrystal4253]

> *TimmyTheDistoryer has joined the game.* < lord_of_da_Kling0nz: long time no see Timmy. TimmyTheDistoryer: Oh, I'm surrounded. the pore fools. lord_of_da_Kling0nz: NOW THAT HE IS BACK. KILL HIM NOWW!! > *TimmyTheDistoryer has slain Gorzon.* < > *TimmyTheDistoryer has slain DaKillinBoi.* < > *TimmyTheDistoryer has slain H0RB_NORB.* < TimmyTheDistoryer: After logging back in for the first time in years this game has never stopped being so fun. lord_of_da_Kling0nz: ILL GET MY REVENGE TIMMY!!! > *TimmyTheDistoryer has slain lord_of_da_Kling0nz.* < > *TimmyTheDistoryer has slain all members of the lord_of_da_Kling0nz clan.*

[@noppornwongrassamee8941]

And the most humiliating part of this defeat? The game server was in Klingon space. TimmyTheDistroyer had the MOST lag out of all the players in this match and he still won!

[@stuartwald2395]

This is similar to the world/galaxy described by Alan Dean Foster in his Dammed Trilogy (A Call To Arms, The False Mirror, The Spoils of War) in terms of some of the things that make humanity unique and how that is expressed in a multi-species polity at war with an outside force. Comparison could also be made to Poul Anderson's Kzinti stories (where AIM worked to control humanity's techno-destructive impulses until they were needed again to face an outside threat) and Fred Saberhagen's Berserker milieu where (among many other issues) humanity is a weapon system fighting against the robotic enemies of all life.

[@Ministry_Of_Silly_Walks]

I really enjoyed that with my Sunday morning coffee. Thank you

[@danzydan2479]

Hehe. Good story. And me just getting back into World of Warships.

[@firedirewolf]

Armageddon, Hahr Megiddo, the first fortress into Israel, after crossing a huge desert, the invaders would find themselves at the foot of a hill where the fortress overlooks the land and rained fire and death from the top of said hill/Hahr, so the last stop in the line, the end of the road, it is a beginning in a way as it is the first steps into their country and for them, the first signs of salvation if fleeing persecution for your faith. So much more symbology to the name than just the apocalypse lol

[@firedirewolf]

Another way to put it, Anakin's worst nightmare, high ground AND sand everywhere lol

[@KaiHenningsen]

_Apocalypse_ just means revelation - pretty much any revelation, but especially ones from a god. _The Apocalypse of SomeName_ is often used as the title of someone getting a tour of the supernatural realm. _Armageddon_ (as mentioned in the Book of Revelation) is a big battle at the end of the world or some other destructive world-ending event.

[@firedirewolf]

@@KaiHenningsen love how time creates myth out of history and history looks fascinating for it, even if you know where the break from truth and legend occurred.

[@c.d.mcclendon1264]

We would rather play games than to play war, otherwise there will be chaos.

[@peterwalls-qf7ii]

Don't hate , this could have been you. You think we like being the immune system of the cosmos? HA! You get to enjoy life , without ever having to think about things like .. how do we bring the Klingon on the table? What the hell are the Romulans up to this week? Where can we built Jem-Hadar freedom centres? That chemical dependency on the founders is obscene. You do not have to think of such things , because we do.

[@n.a.nameless5435]

Nothing unites us like a common enemy.

[@rossdavies8250]

The premise of this story is all too true.

[@OGMTANK]

It would be a better idiom " If you want peace, prepare for war"

[@Ryvaken]

Let me teach you something about hoo-mons, nephew...

[@elizabethjackson5477]

So we are all psychopaths and we all know it

[@BeeKisses]

Fransworth - farnsworth

[@BeeKisses]

WERNSTRUM!!!!

[@assaulthetz]

It would be funny when Klingon is playing an RTS game simulator and a Kid just keeps destroying and stealing his supply chains and spam soldiers, artillery, tanks and airstrike to their base till the kid wins.

[@daniellafferety4025]

Imagine aliens don't understand Television.

[@willgallatin2802]

Perhaps today IS a good day to die. *Worf*

[@victortahlor4038]

Thank you for the reading

[@coolwhip970]

how to explain Klingons in 1 word **Japanese kamikaze**

[@oskark312]

ha ha hahaha ha so true

[@TKSubDude]

Could have called this one "Hair of the Dog"

[@danielcook1015]

8:15 funny thing is I'm in Florida rn watching this as a car 3 storm is about to bitch slap my house.

[@dashwhatchamakalit]

Humans are the Universe's Table-Flip.

[@thatboy5751]

Wwwwwaaaaaagggghhhh

[@Crazael]

WWWAAAAUUUUGGGHHH!

[@wincentwass5818]

Could you post more of the several series you have rather than reposting new ones of a story you have already done don’t get me wrong it’s fun listening to these again but I would rather have more of the series like top lasgun and other such series

[@Mark73]

I feel that the author should have swapped out "Klingon" with pretty much anything else.

[@dekonfrost7]

Heraclitus war is the father of all, and king if all. He renders some gods others men, some he makes free some slaves.

[@rustycowell7264]

Playing those human kids in any video games the Klingons are going to discover pet rocks and a padded room

[@lappesjl1]

Tribalism, baby!

[@bernardrednix756]

wouldnt star trek copyright you for using klingon?

[@donanthebarbarian5177]

I think original Star Trek might be going/might have gone public domain also given how much fan fic there is on Star Trek I think even if it's still technically under copyright no one cares any more.

[@worldofwarcraftman2]

Fair use. So long as the person isn't trying to use the story commercially it's considered fair use.

[@rat_king-]

That better be a 2m/s^2 Gravity..

[@kjelljohanbraten7408]

What about the G.O.D. Generator (god of creation) Organiser (god of fate) and finally D: The god of destruction, the destroyer, the one who will end all existence: Humanity...

[@daniellafferety4025]

No concept of phantasy games? Could any creature be that litteral minded? Image the work humanty would have to do to hide the klingon empire?

[@wstavis3135]

Ragnorak

[@spacegremlin9972]

I swear you've done this one before...

[@DodAederen]

Ragnarok.

[@Headloser]

Klingon? Is this Star Trek???

[@MargaretKolosky]

Do humans not know what peace looks like without having war first. I am Canadian and I disagree.

[@KaptenN]

He describes a representative democracy but then calls it a "direct democracy"...

[@tonynelligan1930]

i think this story needs 5-15 more minutes.

[@BreadGuy01]

It really is a word with unfathomable weight, huh?

[@isaiahpelly8370]

For the Algorithm

[@onimenno]

I dunno, borrowing ideas from known sci-fi isn't too bad but outright ripping off an idea to pass off as yours just takes the reader right out of the story. Kind of like watching Star Trek:Discovery or STD for short.

[@johndoe-o8i4i]

People are obsessed with things they can't have. And so it is that every story written by sexual unsuccessful men always puts women from and center. Predictable to a T.

[@Alwindar1]

First

[@TJCID22]

But at what cost.

[@Struthio_Camelus]

🤏🥉

[@gprivat812_my_selection6]

Again and again, this woke worldview! It's blatantly wrong and it's boring!

[@miked.9364]

It amuses me when a wryter is trying so hard to put their political ideologies that they end up showing how misinformed and bias they are. What a silly story.

[@adrianmitchell9819]

You must be a Klinon expressing his political disent with a human writer! Warning: Do not make yourself an enemy of the humans or Timmy will be looking to destroy you! Gettem Timmy.

[@jayhan94]

Kinda fits perfectly having it from an aliens POV and having some misinformation and bias given from their view

[@KopperNeoman]

@jayhan94 Misinformation isn't "mistaken information" though, it's "politically inconvenient truths". Disinformation is a synonym there.

[@miked.9364]

@@KopperNeoman Yes disinformation is the correct word, unfornately most will glaze over that word. When you use misinformation people perk up.