Human Are Space Orcs [The Binge Compilation]

[@PMSeymour]

Check Out My Original Series Pilot, Cosmic Wonders! kzbin.info/www/bejne/fnzYiJeum7OIbsk

[@hyrumhanson3390]

A: how did you survive long enough to form a functional society? H: functional?

[@Myrkul-D]

H: “I beg your pardon? What is, functional to you Aliens?”

[@maskedicy3423]

A: By Functional, I mean everybody gets a long with one another and we share information with each other for free. Do you humans do that? H: No, not entirely.

[@kittyplayz1480]

Canada.

[@tinle9]

H: *laughs in 2020 America*

[@cethlikestf]

@@kittyplayz1480 fair enough

[@Arbaaltheundefeated]

The surest sign that intelligent life exists out there... is that none of it has attempted to make contact with us yet.

[@connercradic4131]

Thats also the surest sign that there is no inteligent life out there

[@n1thecaptain965]

How I want to view aliens is: they pulled up to our planet to see what was happening, saw us waging a war, thought "ok, bad time to be here, let's come back later" and then came back many years later in the middle of another war, thought "again? What a coincidence" and left again, then came back again much later, saw the Americans drop nukes on Hiroshima and Nagasaki and thought "let's try a different planet, there's no intelligent life here"

[@j.c.2240]

Earth is sending a bunch of friend requests that get ignored

[@irishspartanstudios]

Hm. True.

[@Cannon2541]

Ain't that the truth. LOL

[@cosmicgenesis1581]

Alien: "people died of the cold AND YOU SENT MORE PEOPLE?!" Me: "thats sort of how we did most of the stuff for thousands of years: just throw people at it untill you get what you want"

[@human-tk2fo]

I mean... They went willingly, so...

[@SpaceCase132]

Me: Oh, so you’re telling me that in the eons you’re civilization has existed, you guys NEVER threw s**t at the wall to see what sticks?

[@VernulaUtUmbra]

There are very few problems that can't be solved with D-Class, let's be honest.

[@tanith117]

General Zhukov: Ahem, Allow me to Introduce myself.

[@elim.4204]

soviet union's strategy in ww2 in a nutshell

[@TheOmegagoldfish]

Alien: "So, how long do humans live?" Human: "Uh... it depends on a lot of factors. Oldest person ever made it to 122 years" A: "And the others?" H: "For most of our history you were dead by fifty." A: "Did you change your genetics?" H: "No." A: "Was it a decrease in-" H: "Yeah it was mostly a decrease in diseases." A: "Oh." H: "We also spend a third of our lives unconscious." A: "WHAT!?" H: "It's our favorite part."

[@jonathanguajardo8430]

Alien: WHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!

[@thegetrktshow]

H: ZzZZZzzZZZzZz

[@thisaccountisoffline3928]

Jonathan Guajardo H: because we’re lazy

[@horsemumbler1]

And an increase in food. And big advances in trauma care.

[@dabi410]

Mood

[@daltonfreudenburg7594]

Alien: *Watching the alien movies* What is this genetic abomination?! It bleeds ACID?! Human: Oh, that's a Xenomorph. It's a creature that we designed. Alien: *Leaning into his phone* Do NOT give this species the ability to create genetic organisms...

[@DoubleBoost23]

Dalton Freudenburg Good idea

[@theonejackal89]

*Later* Human: Hey Quirr! I found a species similar to Xenomorphs on your analysis! Quirr: *Thinks* Oh no, the humans found the zoo network.

[@caracrotalus]

ummmmmm little late there

[@Opgamer-uk9jx]

You: well.... We.... Did? A: oh shit

[@TheAsylumCat]

*looks to The Thing*

[@TheRedKing247]

Alien: Human, what is this thing your medical books refer to as... "Adrenaline"? Human: Oh that, it's a drug our body produces and injects into our bloodstream whenever we're in danger or pain. Alien: And what does it do? Human: Speeds up our everything and makes us feel good. Alien: EVERYTHING MAKES SO MUCH SENSE NOW

[@wyvernscale9634]

H: It's also poison to us A: what? Why does your han body do that then?! H: It helpes us survive predators I guess A: your body... Produces poison.... To PROTECT itself?? H: Pretty much, yep. A: *confused alien noises*

[@nullpoint3346]

@@wyvernscale9634 H: Wait till you hear about tree frogs.

[@someoneawesome8717]

Adrenaline also has a numbing effect

[@irishspartanstudios]

Hahahahahahahaha!

[@thatdamncrow9197]

Adrenaline Does not make you feel good it makes you focused and stronger and stop feeling pain Also adrenaline does not trigger from pain only in a life or death situation

[@soraliamsdottir6630]

Alien: so... what is this Emu war? Human: Do you want the long or short version A: the long version. H: well, here goes. So. Sometime after WW1, the Australian government decided they had too many emus A: did they? H: yes. There were packs of them being destructive. A: so what did they do? H: well... they sent out the military... it didn’t go very well A: what do you mean? H: well, we learned that if you shoot guns at emus, they split into small groups and attack from all sides. A: so...? H: basically, Australia lost a war against emus A:... Oh.

[@TheNinthGeneration1]

Sora Liamsdottir not actually the military, three guys and a machine gun

[@bubbykins4864]

@@TheNinthGeneration1 That's the size of the Australian military now.

[@ragnerschwarzmane3412]

A: I thought you said you where the apex predators of your planet. H: We are... A: And that you hunted giant hairy elephants, back when you barely knew, that hitting things with sticks is slightly more effective than hitting it with your hands. H: Yes? A:then how did you lose against a species smaller than you, with no technical know how, while you had entered the age of ballistic weaponry? H: Dude it‘s embarrassing enough, don‘t rub it in!

[@bubbykins4864]

@@ragnerschwarzmane3412 John Elliott the Tasmanian (I used the Australian name generator on Fantasy Name Generators and added "the Tasmanian" to the end of it): We lacked two things. Kahahiisn (Hakaishin but the letter order is 3421): And that was? John Elliott: Too few people and too few weapons.

[@AlexWithington]

@warystatue33 it was 3 people with a single gun vs hundreds of birds that can very easily kill a person and Aussie is more competent that America and that's coming from a kiwi

[@Bobb11881]

Alien: Why do you choose to live in such inhospitable climates?! Human: Remind me how you got to this planet? Alien: Well, we just built a ship that allowed us to travel through the vacuum of space! Human: And how many of your kind died before you were able to safely travel through space? Alien: ...I see your point.

[@UGNAvalon]

Bit late but.. A: None! We used drones to explore ahead of us, and simulators to prepare our explorers before they even left atmosphere! Why? how did humans explore space? H: We... tossed a bunch of dogs and monkeys on one-way rockets. ..And then tossed a bunch of humans before we perfected our safety standards.. A: ..... _How did such a self-destructive species ever become a galactic power?_

[@buddy5196]

UGNAvalon “Competition..That’s what drive our society.”

[@arsene3184]

"Do not underestimate the bottomless malice of humanity" - Isaac Netero

[@thefishyminer3572]

@UGNAvalon 69 likes nice

[@katiearbuckle9017]

@@UGNAvalon Human: Oh forgot to tell them about the Horny Geckos. Aliens: WHAT THE FUCK!?! Human: In our defense, that was also the Russians.

[@ABRAXAS829]

"they decided to live in the uninhabited areas anyway." Yeah...that sounds like humans. doing the unreasonable because we can.

[@joaopinto2747]

True. There’s a lot of dumb stuff we tried just to see if we could. We’re a great species!

[@Bruh-hq1hx]

Well we don't live in the desert we live in the oasis in the desert because land is fertile their and because to get to the rest of the land you need to go through the desert we live there to sell wares and food to people

[@LeakyTrees]

Actually we only went to the uninhabitable places because Africa was heating up. It was getting to hot, so we went to Europe.

[@n1thecaptain965]

"We could do it the easy way but suffering and dieing while doing it the hard way sounds way more fun"

[@tyler89557]

There was land there. Now it's our land.

[@bubblesbubbleton2747]

I can never get over the fact that when ever the alien hears their human companions are going through something (periods, ms, seizures, depression, ext.) they immediately try to help like: “You May be savages, but by Glorgeck you are are MY SAVAGES!!!”

[@Waikeur]

Yeah it's just so wholesome

[@OriginalCreatorSama]

because that is the correct reaction of a civilized social being when another being is in a less than optimal status.

[@UGNAvalon]

“So these... ‘Darwin Awards’.. are simply a collection of tales of humans dying from improbably idiotic situations... and you find this entertaining??”

[@UGNAvalon]

A: _gasp_ That human male just took injury at his reproductive sack! H: _Side-splitting laughter_ I know! Isn’t it hilarious!? A: Should... we not help him? H: Yeah, yeah... in a bit. I wanna point and laugh some more.

[@thefishyminer3572]

A: WHY?? H: its funny A: savages all of you

[@anyaarcadia9166]

*Aliens learn about submarines* A: Human, what is this image of an underwater boat? H: That's called a submarine, we use it to explore and survey the oceans when we can't use ships. A: Amazing. And you can use this for research? Forgive me, I'm so accustomed to your kind using everything as weapons, I almost assumed this would be a tool for violence! H: Eh... A: ...what H: well, we kinda... Did... A: *sigh* do not tell me... During one of your war of worlds? H: Yeah. But I'm pretty sure it was because we didn't have airplanes to attack boats from above! A: You couldn't attack your own kind from above, so your next idea was to attack *FROM BELOW???* H: Y-Yeah? A:.... That's actually quite clever. Barbaric, but clever

[@jeffreyhueseman7061]

H: it took 3 Wars to get it right. A: 3???? H: first one was just a proof of concept, tried to attach a small barrel of explosives to a ship. A: o...Kay H: the second war actually sunk ships, including itself, twice. A:twice? H: yes, the ship was salvaged off the sea bottom, the dead crew taken out and another crew was put in for another mission.. A: ????????

[@tactic34wot52]

Jeffrey Hueseman me:That was the CSS hunely during the civil war, sank during a test run but they salvaged it so"Shrugs Alien:"What was the civil war?....."looks at you"You explain it to him"

[@tactic34wot52]

(Like I looked at you

[@TheAttacker732]

Diana Thomas I'd suggest not mentioning that some now carry dozens of nuclear weapons apiece. And can operate with no contact with the rest of the world for months. The poor alien's head might burst from that.

[@literallyglados]

TheAttacker732 A: WWWWHHHHAAAAATTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!! A: [unimaginable screams of horror]

[@elgatto3133]

A: h- H: so you're telling me theres life out there that resembles us to an extent we are able to communicate with them? that exists not only within our dimension but also in our visible light spectrum? that presumably developed the same means of sensing the environment that we did? that possess creativity and emotions? Are there life forms out there that don't? How did you avoid the potential pitfalls of a civilization based on similar principles as our own? alien: we were surprised as well

[@suysb]

Lol, so true

[@wyvernscale9634]

And the human is just like: knew it!

[@katiearbuckle9017]

Human: Klingons, Navi, Jedi, Sith, Gallifarians, or Cat Girls? Alien: OKAY MORE THAN ONCE... Human: I FUCKING KNEW IT!!!

[@elgatto3133]

@Jessica Stein exactly. that said the law of large numbers implies there's probably at least 1 life form out there similar to us

[@irishspartanstudios]

In my own sci-fi stories I'm writing, I'm adopting something I self coined called "Standard Biological Development". Besides common ancestry, this seeks to explain how most aliens look, at least to an extent, like us.

[@damanrando7608]

A lot of these can be summed up by this Human: You know I am surprised your race was willing to deal with humans Alien: What do you mean? Human: *picks up alien's tablet journal, and opens it to the index of all the stories collected so far, says nothing else* Alien: I see your point

[@gubbikiller]

what files was there compiled for that to happen i wonder XD

[@irishspartanstudios]

H: Whatcha watchin'? A: OH A- *hits power button of space computer monitor* A- NOTHING HUMAN! WHY ARENT YOU ASLEEP!? I THOUGHT YOUR RACE WAS DIURNAL! H: Well, we are, but some of us tend to stay awake until midnight, the climax of our night cycle. A: What? H: Nevermind. Anyway, what were you watching? A: Oh, that... Um... Nothing important! H: *Turns monitor back on, then off again* A: H: A: H: A: Uhh... H: Something you want from my race? *Punches him in the face*

[@zikashauna4928]

@@irishspartanstudios Given the context, I'll just take it that the alien was watching *cough* human "osha violations" shall we say

[@irishspartanstudios]

Gach, Gigi, Zika. I leave it up to reader interpretation. I was trying to be funny. While yes, I had an idea, I thought I'd be more funny if I let the reader make it what they wanted to be.

[@zikashauna4928]

@@irishspartanstudios Well yeah, it was funny. I just tried to add my own little bit of flavor humor to it, but c'est la vie.

[@espinoth9913]

ALIEN: Human. I recently learned of a video game franchise called 'Destroy All Humans.' HUMAN: ...Yeah? ALIEN: I am disappointed that you believed that extraterrestrial life would behave in such a manner. HUMAN: Don't look up DOOM, then.

[@TheAttacker732]

Espinoth DOOM would be fine-ish, they're demonic entities of unknown provenance. Although the 'rip enemies limb from evil limb' bit might get some horrified screaming from the alien.

[@larrychilders6599]

Human: because Doom is about Demons from Mars being killed by one guy

[@funybirbman3813]

@@larrychilders6599 doomguy is the reincarnation of Jesus

[@lhtyeehaw1319]

@@funybirbman3813 makes sense

[@adt4864]

Human 2: we saw our planet and extrapolated.

[@blacklion8307]

The two reasons humans do anything: "It's pretty" and "Nature made kinda clear it will kill me for trying and I desire to spite her."

[@ChanceTheBrony]

Human: *makes joke with other human about how humans are space orcs* Alien: Speaking of, Human Steve, you’ve been using that punchline a lot lately, but the translator doesn’t seem to be picking it up. What is an “orc?” H: Oh, it’s basically... Well, before we met other sentient races, we sorta made some up and told stories about them. Orcs are a made up race known for low intelligence but very high strength, durability, and tendencies towards violence. A: Isn’t that just humans normally? H: I meant by _our_ standards! A: ...I think I understand the joke now.

[@ChanceTheBrony]

*Later...* A: Human, I have looked into these “fantasy races” a bit further since our last conversation. Are you sure the recurring “Goblins” are not based on the Glorbak race from Section 86-B? Their appearance, behavior and, well, immaturity seem to have an uncanny resemblance. H: I mean, we know aliens exist, so like, anything’s possible, I guess. Honestly, I’m more surprised no one on your crew took offense to how elves are portrayed. A: What? Why would we take offense to a species that is clearly much smarter and more mature than everyone else they’ve met? Honestly, I’ve found them quite relatable. H: *holding back laughter* ...Of course you would.

[@TarsonTalon]

Hey...at least humans are self-aware. As to why we don't stop doing stupid things, well...it just isn't what our evolution selected for, sadly.

[@Name-ps9fx]

Tarson Talon Actually, doing stupid things *is* what evolution selected us for. It’s just that not everything we do is stupid, just enough things to claim our share of Darwin Award winners...this kind of activity results in a kind of “survivor bias” which is the reason we are able to do really cool things (like put people on the moon). In any other era, or in the modern era (but doing poorly in the “math” department), trying to go to the moon would be seen as one of the stupidest + most dangerous thing we, as a species, have ever tried. But hey...it worked 8 of the 9 times we went! (And whoever was the cretin who insisted we had to call one of the Apollo missions “13” instead of “12 (episode two)” has thankfully disappeared).

[@kevinboyle3104]

I really expected the alien to have a panic attack at the idea of a race that even humans considered barbaric

[@artofthepossible7329]

@@ChanceTheBrony Send to the aliens The Silmarillion.

[@DeathlyDrained]

A : "You created a horror movie called 'Alien'?" H : "Yeah" A : "That is damn well offensive, no wonder no other lifeforms want to contact you"

[@vveet]

isn't that a Dr. Who quote?

[@DeathlyDrained]

@@vveet maybe

[@kristiankepley5944]

Yep. Christmas special

[@wyvernscale9634]

H: well, by definition they are aliens, soo

[@37thraven]

A: No. No. Noo. They got the mouth *all* wrong! That's where we reproduce from...

[@StalwartTirith]

"I find the hairless human form to be repulsive." Confirmed that the aliens are furries.

[@gubbikiller]

or insectoids, either way, IT IS PURGING TIME

[@blackthrone6976]

Since humans technically are mammals, we are furries. Just... not as furry as other an... Most, animals...

[@bubbykins4864]

If a human lost all of their hair, they'd probably look ugly because of all the bases being ripped out. *A Ghexuik rips off the head of their Crogman costume as the real one, dressed as a Ghexuik, walks in*

[@OriginalCreatorSama]

nobody *wants* to be a human, you just end up that way

[@bubbykins4864]

Me: You're wrong about humans being hairless. *points to top of my head, and then points at Mumbo Jumbo's real life mustache, then at Dollar Shave Club* You see that Dollar Shave Club? Yeah, that wouldn't exist if we were hairless. Oh my, I just advertised a service and a KZbin channel in the same sequence.

[@StarSailor1343]

(Alien watching someone throw a penny into a fountain) A: What’s that person doing? Isn’t that money valuable? H: Yeah, but we sometimes throw a coin into a fountain because we think it can grant us wishes. A: What’s a wish? H: It’s something that we hope to happen, whether it’s realistic or not. A: Oh! And these wishes come true with the assistance of a fountain? H: Well sometimes we wish on other things, like stars A: But they come true right? H: Some people don’t believe it, but others do. Mainly just little kids though. It’s kinda one of those innocent childish things. A: **whispering into radio** This species has some good sides to it apparently

[@AlexWithington]

I like how u think good person

[@katiearbuckle9017]

The weird thing is, When I watch these Humans are Space Orc videos...The Aliens I picture them meeting are those Wholesome Blue ones who Pretend to be human or have a similar Human-like culture. So I do wonder if they would be extremely baffled or it just be a Slight Culture Shock.

[@IrvingIV]

A, seeing H throwing a halfdollar in: What did you wish for, Human? H, bashful: For you to be my friend.

[@bellpebber63]

This one is my favorite

[@dragonnx2843]

@@katiearbuckle9017 so megamind

[@bad-ideas5090]

*Human is sitting on the couch having a existential crisis Alien: Human whats wrong? Human: I'm having an existential crisis. Alien: what is a "existential crisis"? Human: It means that we ponder if life has meaning, purpose, or value ect. Alien: well what are you having a "existential crisis" with? Human: Whether we're a body with a mind or a mind with a body. *Alien sits on couch having an an existential crisis*

[@lucidlucario710]

Same

[@asshatmcgee149]

dinosaurpeyton0 This is just a more complex version if that *OH FUCCC* meme

[@bad-ideas5090]

the OH FUCCC meme?

[@dogdog357]

dinosaurpeyton0, a man is sitting on a couch. A woman (presumably his wife) comes over and asks what's wrong. The man tells her what is wrong. She then sits down on the couch next to him, now with the same existential crisis. My goodness. I just spent a couple minutes explaining a meme.

[@dragonvessel8412]

I had this crisis once. It resolved when I realised it’s that we are brains with bodies and it never bothered me again

[@Meuduso1]

A: "And you already had TWO world wars?" H: "....So far"

[@darthrevan4933]

3 if you count the 7 years war

[@lolster239]

Darth Revan which one was that?

[@darthrevan4933]

LOLSTER239 meh 1756 Britain and France went to war and brought both their global empires to bare against one another and their allies across Europe with combat areas on almost every continent across North America and Europe, the Ivory Coast of Africa, Spanish and Portuguese fighting just south of Brazil, the colonies on the Indian east coast and of course the Philippines in Asia

[@Waftey]

@@darthrevan4933 That's kinda a world war because there was fighting in Asia, Europe, Near the waters of South America and in North America. Idk why it isn't considered a world war

[@darthrevan4933]

Jack Sparrow that’s my point (same with a bunch of history nerds)

[@The_WhitePencil]

[human is watching "History of the entire world, i guess] A: human, what is that? H: oh its a video. A: whats... whats it about? H: its the story of the universe and our world how we know it so far, but the guy who made it made it really simple and funny so anyone could watch it and not be bored, but still get the general idea. A: wow, that's pretty cool. Video: hey can animals go on land? *NO.* why not? *THE SUN IS A DEADLY LAZER.* A: WHAT IS IT WITH YOU HUMANS AND LASERS?!?!??

[@MysteriumArcanum]

if/when we encounter aliens we NEED to show them that video XD My favorite part of that video is when he's summarizing the Reign or Terror which followed the French Revolution. "You could make a religion out of... wait, no don't".

[@sadmac356]

Crow the mad "how bout I do anyway?"

[@MysteriumArcanum]

Even though that quote is from a different video it's still funny.

[@sadmac356]

Crow the mad yeah

[@rexiezeraptor6113]

“The Holy Roman Empire, it’s actually Germany but don’t worry about it” is my favorite part

[@haidbz]

"What is this thing I looked up in your history called a 'catapult'?" Is it bad that my immediate reaction was "Trebuchets are superior?"

[@AlexWithington]

Yes it is it's like me and cnc generals units when someone says tomahawk missile I go scuds are better

[@dabi410]

Me, an intellectual who has nothing to do with this conversation but screw it: M U S K E T S

[@AlexWithington]

@@dabi410 no British longbows

[@dabi410]

@Alex Withington CIVIL WAR CANNONS I WILL FIGHT YOU ON THAT!

[@AlexWithington]

@@dabi410 well they were worse than the Gatling guns :)

[@OokamiKageGinGetsu]

"Fire breather with facial hair." Is their universal translator Google Translate?

[@zacsbrebac8298]

Bearded Dragon to that would absolutely follow those conventions, especially considering aliens probably don't have a dragon equivalent mythological creature.

[@emmettawardz4943]

Leeets hope not--

[@dabi410]

WHEEEZE

[@spartanv0]

I love how their incredibly sofisticated translator that probably took an immense amount of time to invent failed so miserably.

[@CiaranMaxwell]

Idioms or colloquialisms have to be added manually, I imagine.

[@irishuisman1450]

Human: *singing a lullaby to a crying baby* Alien: “What is that human doing with their voice? It does not sound like regular speaking.” Human 2: “Oh, that person is singing. We kind of make melodious sounds with our voices while throwing some words in there. The person over there is singing a lullaby, a song that’s usually used to calm someone down or help them fall asleep, most commonly babies. There are also different kinds of songs, but naming them all would take a while, since there are so many.” Alien: “Ah, I see. And are all ‘songs’ this quiet and soothing?” Human 2: “No, there are also very wild songs that people listen to for pure enjoyment.” Alien: “Fascinating. And all humans can ‘sing?’” Human 2: “Well, all vocal humans are able to, but it doesn’t always sound nice. One of my friends sounds like a screeching cat when he tries to sing. But one of my other friends sounds near-angelic when she sings her baby cousin a lullaby.” Alien: “Why can’t some humans make those sounds well then?” Human 2: “I honestly have no idea, probably has something to do with the size and shape of our vocal chords.” Alien: “That’s… somewhat understandable. But what is it called when someone is singing, but there are no words?” Human 2: “Oh, we call that humming. And unlike singing, humming can’t really sound terrible. Well, unless the person doing it makes it terrible intentionally, but that’s usually just to be annoying or humorous.” Alien: “…where’s the catch?” Human 2: “Huh?” Alien: “Just about everything I’ve been told about humans has had a catch. Where’s the one on this?” Human 2: “Um… I don’t think there’s a catch to this…” Alien: “Wait, really?” Human 2: “Yup. Honestly, the only weird thing about singing that I can think of is that some songs become famous for the most ridiculous reasons or they just plain sound ridiculous.” Alien: “Ridiculous how?” Human 2: “Um…” *has a Vietnam flashback about just about every meme song in existence* Alien: “…human?”

[@thefirstprimariscatosicari6870]

Iris Huisman To respond to the "Like what?" question the human shows the alien the weird Russian guy singing kzbin.info/www/bejne/qofNYY2KiJmKfJY, Tunak Tunak Tun kzbin.info/www/bejne/rIWseoCAbtmImZo, Epic Sax Guy (Both normal kzbin.info/www/bejne/naqUc2aXnKyBrtk and Gandalf kzbin.info/www/bejne/iZLKmGNuedeCa7c) and other songs others will mention.

[@irishuisman1450]

The First Primaris Cato Sicarius xD

[@thefirstprimariscatosicari6870]

Iris Huisman Also Ultra sax guy, Epic Violin guy and Ultra Violin guy.

[@Lunam_D._Roger]

THROUGH THE TABLES AND THE MEMES WE CARRY ON!!!

[@jasminedoggietvn6995]

Human 2: NeVeR GoNna GivE yOu Up H: Never GonNA LeT YOU DoWn A: *_W H A T_*

[@fireblast133]

A: what is that? H: *petting corgi*. Oh, a dog. The Corgi Breed specifically A: and, what is it’s purpose? H: well I think corgis were originally bred to help farmers herd sheep, but they have been kept by the Queen of England for their smart and majestic nature C: *proceeds to flop over, go cross eyed, and grin with its tongue out while reaching for a chew toy too far away* A: why do I get the impression that was a lie

[@vveet]

long story short... H: because Doggoo!

[@superspicy8740]

fireblast133 so the corgis end position was like that one corgi image where they ate a jar of jam then fell asleep

[@fireblast133]

Super Spicy yeah basically

[@charlieparker5346]

Even better, there's a legend that corgis were mounts for fairies or something. So they literally bred the dog then blamed it on the fae

[@Merilirem]

H: You can go ask her if you want.

[@50shadesofgandalfthegrey]

Alien: "how did you humans survive this long at all? Even with the endurance, and survival skills, you kill each other constantly, while still fighting an uphill battle against nature and life and somehow win!! How!?" Human: "frantic violent mating" Alien: "ah. Yes. That makes sense"

[@anarchomando7707]

Just like rabbits

[@AlexWithington]

@@anarchomando7707 we're bad but not THAT bad

[@anarchomando7707]

@@AlexWithington that's because you don't see it as much And we have a lot more safe sex ( protected) We still do it just as much as a rabbit's

[@AlexWithington]

@@anarchomando7707 sorry I tried to right it sarcasticly but it's a bit harder on mobile

[@droideka1890]

Joseph Misinec Just like orcs

[@Directionless.Sponge]

Am I the only one that wishes they had one of these aliens as a roommate? Like the illness parts and the pet ones.

[@galaxygirl001]

Random Potato I do

[@sugibaum]

Random Potato I know right? It’s cute that they want to help the hoomans.

[@jordansomething4327]

No they would be my best friend

[@kshirin0298]

right

[@kshirin0298]

right

[@CheemsofRegret]

Alien: Human, I have been reading about your species' history. I require some clarification to dispell my confusions Human: well, fire away. Alien: there is a conflict listed as 'the war of cold' and it specifically stated that the two sides repeatedly threatened the other with increasingly powerful nuclear armaments. Human: Uh, yeah. Alien: How did the belligerents estimate the power of their nuclear armaments? I thought advanced computers capable of complex physics based simulation weren't created yet in your 20th century. Human: Uh... We kinda... Alien: Yes?? Human: We kinda blew up a couple to test them. Alien: WHAT??!??! Human: yeah I mean how else were we supposed to figure out how they worked? Alien: You mean, you willingly detonated nuclear armed weapons inside your own atmosphere, risking destroying it in the process, just to see what it could do?!!? Human: Basically, yeah. Alien: I'm starting to understand why we didn't make contact with your species any sooner. At least you didn't deploy biological weapons en masse in the field without first testing them. Human:.... Alien: Right????? Human: eheh, about that... Alien: NO!

[@sirpieman300]

by a few you mean several thousand rights?

[@Abdega]

Human: we detonated some underground, and it sent a 1 ton metal disc flying into the air. We think it disintegrated because we never found it, but there is a nonzero chance that it went into space Alien: Why do you say that? Human: The minimum speed we clocked it at was 6 times our planet’s escape velocity Alien: So when we tried to make contact decades ago, that *WASN’T* your planetary defense mechanisms? Human: What? Alien: What?

[@noonesarino7913]

H: hmmmm you seem to be nervous A:no Im not H:then why did you say what after what I said A:find I'll tell you our race was to make contact with your race and thought that was a defence mechanism to protect your planet for inavders or us aliens

[@DiamondYoshi101]

Mr Penguin yup. They believed the bomb would light the atmosphere on fire due to the sudden heat and fission.

[@lordhylia5745]

14:20 Human walks by and reads the log over the shoulder H: "oh, we didn't actually tame them, they kinda decided they liked hanging around us, and we liked that they would exterminate the small rodents in the area for us and really the way they act you'd think they tamed us! Izznt that right wiskers? whoose the cooty kitty, yes you are!" A: D8

[@Crazylom]

"And they call themselves apex species of Earth..."

[@zjaeriqsanders1731]

*Alien walks up to a sleeping human* A: OH GOD THE HUMAN IS DEAD *human wakes up suddenly from the noise* H: whoah dude what are you freaking out about?! A: ??? Did you just return from death? Can humans do that? H: oh no no no, I was just sleeping A: ...explain H: well at night we have to basically turn our brains off. For about 8-9, sometimes as long as 12 hours A: strange. Doesn’t that get... boring? H: oh nah, my brain plays me movies that I’m in A: ???

[@racc5817]

*throwing popcorn at the screen* THIS GUY IS SO STUPID!

[@pashung1evil]

Well that makes sense

[@dabi410]

A: what? H: we refer to them as dreams, they play scenarios that we’re in

[@Sar4zu]

Sometimes it only lasts for 2 to 5 hours but it gives enough energy for the day :’)

[@dabi410]

Sara Himari some times even 4

[@deaderror3660]

Alien, shocked: Earlier I saw a human stabbing a pencil between his fingers real quick. Human: Oh yeah, it's a game. Alien: Why is that a game? Isn't that kinda scary. Human: Yes, but it's also fun. Most people do it with knifes though. Alien: People deliberately stab knifes next to their fingers?!? Human: Well, yeah. It's to show off your skill. Not everyone can do it. Alien: THERE ARE PEOPLE BAD AT NOT STABBING THEMSELVES?

[@The_WhitePencil]

that makes it sounds like everyone is doing it XD

[@coolfrog8777]

I love this, so fricken much

[@not-an-artistartist]

Rusty Cage?

[@Nmille98]

"here, I can show how it works!" Alien: What? Me: *pulls out knife* Alien: you're just going to stab around your fingers? Me: of course not! There's a song that goes with it! A: WHAT? M: Oh, I have all my fingers, the knife goes chop chop chop! A: WHY... M:And if I make a mistake, my finger will come off! A: WHAT IS WRONG WI- M:And if I cut my finger, blood will start to run! A: YOU EVEN REMIND YOURSELF OF THE DANG- M: But anyway, I play this game, because it's do damn fun! A:you are the most barbaric creatures I have ever- M: Round two! Faster now! OHHH I HAVE ALL MY FINGERS- A: *AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!*

[@Lakthul]

This is my favourite one XD

[@purplecrewmate8698]

Alien: Human I have a question. Human: Sure what is it? A: You said your species can't lift too much weight and that your body's aren't strong enough to lift even one of your vehicles. H: Yeah? A: But I have seen many reports of average humans lifting fallen buildings or vehicles off of them or someone else H: Oh that, so basically the human body never uses more than 80% of its full physical power A: alright H: but a lot of times when a human is put in a stressful situation the body removes that limit A: but why does the body only use around 80% of its physical strength? H: because at its full strength it rips itself apart A: WHAT!?!?!

[@etcetera1995]

"Hyoo-man? What is 'spam?'" "Spam the meat, spam the junkmail or spam the Month Python's Flying Circus sketch?" "I beg your pardon?" "They're all related." "... Surprise me."

[@wandererwerewolf477]

"Fair enough. Spam is originally a concentrated meat product preserved in a can." "Ah. A popular foodstuff?" "Um. It's seasoned pork and ham, with some potato. Spices and preservatives, cooked in its container." "That did not answer my question." " . . . Some people like it. Most people buy it because it's cheap." "Ah." "We used it for military rations and international aid. That's how it wound up in the comedy." "You may explain the joke if you wish, but humor seldom translates." "The joke, in this case, revolves around a restaurant, a place to buy premade food served on a dish, in which every foodstuff served involves Spam. The sketch also involves a song that used the word "Spam" a lot, including a line that goes, 'spam, spam, spam, spam'... you get the idea." "Ah." "One of the main characters in that sketch doesn't _like_ Spam. That was what prompted the use of the term to refer to unwanted communications, particularly repeated ones." " . . . It makes as much sense as anything else here."

[@pixelhavoc4950]

@@wandererwerewolf477 "Oh and spam can also refer to recieving a large amount of internet messages. Sending a large amount of these messages is called Spamming. In email, Spam can also be used interchangeably with Junk Mail and by default has it's own folder, where emails that are likely fraudulent are routed and automatically deleted after 30 days." "What if something important is sent there?" "Well sometimes, if you're signing up for something, it can get accidentally marked as spam. So we just check." "Oh. That actually makes sense... Except the fact that you use the name of a foodstuff to refer to a type of annoying message." "Yeah I agree."

[@nunyabusiness168]

PixelHavoc “Or in video games, which are electronic pictures that are intractable and that interchange be it by hours or milliseconds depending on the device it is used with, where someone continuously uses something for an elongated period of time, sometimes it is required to pass a part in the video game that a person is playing.”

[@dynamicworlds1]

SPAM: stuff posing as meat Spam: stuff posing as mail

[@mikip282]

Alien learns about anxiety/panic attacks Alien: Human Adam, where is Human Jessica? Human: Oh, she’s in the infirmary. She had a panic attack. A: What is a... panic attack? H: It’s basically when your mind and body randomly releases unnecessary amounts of adrenaline and you go into fight or flight mode. A: What is “fight or flight”? H: It’s a survival mechanism that causes your brain to quickly decide if you want to fight back against the danger or run. A: And you said this is random? H: Yeah, it can be pretty debilitating. A: Well, what happens? H: Well, it depends. Some people cry uncontrollably, some people become completely mute, but most of the time panic attacks come with intense hyperventilating. A: And that happened to Human Jessica? H: Yeah, she’ll be better in about half an hour. She just needed to get away from the crowd. A: Oh my goodness, that is awful. H: Yeah, it happens. But we have different strategies to deal with it like deep breathing. A: *runs to infirmary* HUMAN JESSICA, I HAVE RESEARCHED DEEP BREATHING AND WILL CURE YOUR PANIC ATTACKS.

[@dabi410]

Jess: do you have chocolate? Alien: HAVE ALL OF MY CHOCOLATE! *Throws Symphony and Toblerone bars at Jess.*

[@firestorm165]

Now I'm no expert but I'm fairly certain that bursting into a room and yelling at someone with a panic attack is the opposite of helpful

[@tactic34wot52]

@@firestorm165 damn right in most cases it'll send us into another one

[@firestorm165]

@@tactic34wot52 speaking of one of the characters in the book I'm working on is actually prone to panic/anxiety attacks. I've written it in such a way that as she feels it coming on and tries to control it the stress of doing so actually causes a sort of feedback loop that makes it worse. Is that an accurate representation?

[@tactic34wot52]

@@firestorm165 that could happen like if we over think something it can lead us into a panic attack, but depending on how sever her attacks are she could hide her panic attacks for a short time but if she has really bad ones the only thing trying to hide would do is make it worse

[@42meep13]

I would like to introduce these aliens to a human book. The Art of War. And watch them panic realizing they've come across a species that is crazy enough to consider war an art. And honestly their primary one.

[@anidiot8101]

Alien: Human, where is Colonel Sean? Human: He’s having a cigarette break in his private quarters Alien: What’s a cigarette? Human: It’s like a stick filled with plants and chemicals that produce a special smoke when lit on fire. People ignite them and inhale the smoke for pleasure. Alien: I see, so why do I see no cigarette signs in most of your public spaces? Human: Oh, some of these chemicals and plants have addictive and unhealthy side effects, such as creating breathing problems, cancer, and withdrawal symptoms where attempting to stop smoking will kill them. Alien: THEN WHY DO YOU PEOPLE STILL USE THEM?! Human: Oh we’ve been trying to stop for hundreds of years, they just sell well and are incredibly addictive. Alien: I will never understand your species. Human 2: *after eavesdropping the conversation* Nobody tell him about alcohol.

[@tactic34wot52]

Human 3 not hearing about not telling the alien about alcohol"We also have alcohol which is basically made from fermented plants in water that gets us drunk if we drink too much of it, like our eyesight is blurred and we have trouble moving, and drinking too much over a long period of time will kill us"

[@stevensutton3577]

Human 3 : BECAUSE WE LIKE IT!

[@katiearbuckle9017]

Human 4: Hey, since Frank spilled the Tea or Milk, well Pretty much the Vodka about Alcohol? Do we bring up prohibition where we put Cocaine in Coke and why we sometimes use another planet for edibles and medichine?! Human 5: AND WHAT ABOUT METH & MUSHROOMS!?! Alien: What? Human: You guys missed some really weird parties. Alien: And why is Toshi using Tea & Milk like a slang term.. Human: Ah yes the 2020s the weirdest Among Us Party of them all.

[@wolftamerwolfcorp7465]

@LOAN NGUYEN Human 4: well, when you realize the air we breathe is extremely slow poison for us, putting other poisons in us doesn’t seem so crazy either.

[@quaruppraiahotel2493]

@LOAN NGUYEN Bro We literally nerd poison tô survive We breath oxygen

[@desu38]

Alien: Human, you seem tense. What is the matter? Human: I'm worried about my cousin. He's going to have surgery later this week. Alien: Oh, how awful for him. What is the purpose for this procedure? Human: Well, he's getting a kidney transplant. He's been needing it for a while but now he's finally got a donor. Alien: Hold on... transplant? Donor? Human: Yeah, one of his kidneys is being replaced. Alien: Ah, cybernetic enhancement. Crude, but effective. Human: Cybernetic? Oh, no he's getting an actual kidney. Alien: An _actual_ kidney? Oh... I hadn't realized humans were capable of creating one. Perhaps you are more advanced than I had initially assumed. Human: No, we didn't create it either. It came from another person. Alien: Wait what? Human: You see, if you're an organ donor, your organs will be used to help other people when you die. Alien: You mean to tell me, that humans willingly have their organs harvested after death to be used as *spare parts?* Human: Uh yeah, I guess so. Alien: Yes, and this actually works? Human: _Kind of._ Alien: Riiight okay, I see what's going on here. Let's all jovially vocalise at the alien. Nice try, Human! Human: ... Alien: ... Alien: Oh spirits, you're serious.

[@retosius7962]

human: I mean we're working on making new organs at least. just can't yet.

[@37thraven]

"Let's all jovially vocalize at the alien" is a sentence I didn't realize I needed to hear in my life ❤️ **chefs kiss**

[@SniperOnSunday]

@@stm7810 Wholesome ❤

[@herbderbler1585]

@@stm7810 **The People's Republic of China has entered the chat**

[@gabrieldiehl1068]

@@stm7810 organ harvesting.

[@VivioSaf]

A: Human, why are you looking at a screen for such a long time? H: Just playing a game. A: That thing you said to play for fun? Why there's a map of your own planet? Weren't they supposed to have a "character" running for various environments? H: Ah, no. This what is called a strategy game. They are based on ... A: What? Why did you stop? ... wait ... are those another of that cases of you humans obsession with war? H: Yeah ... they normally based in scenarios were you have to destroy the opposing army. A: I'm not really surprised anymore. You Humans seem to want to be wiped from the map of your own planet. H: ... A: ... Human ... what's exactly your do in this game? H: Well ... I choose some kind of virus, parasite or bacteria, release it somewhere. And see if the world population survives. A: Then, you are simulating the combat to prevent a disease from spreading over your planet? Now I'm surprised, something that doesn't involve killing and destroying something. H: Actually, I choose how to evolve the virus so humanity cannot cure the plague. A: Are you kindling me? You're here, planing how to choose and breed a disease to annihilate your own species? And you're doing this for "fun"? H: Yeah ... A: How do your Humans didn't got wiped from earth yet?

[@suysb]

Vívio CA2 sheer willpower

[@AlexWithington]

This is the reason we don't wipe out selves out is we do stuff like this

[@notinorder9630]

Games like plague Inc are going to have a very different system for the US reaction now...

[@pixd7285]

The sheer chaotic dumbassery

[@azurehorizon4485]

Well to be fair there is an event in Plague inc stating that it's in universe counterpart raises awareness on how plagues spread and thus reduces infectivity. As such these plague simulators help raise awareness that (oh crap these things can actually be seriously bad and we should follow safety guidelines)

[@RunRabbitRUNRABBIT]

{Alien learns about snakes/danger noodles} A:Human Jamie what is that thing on you? H:Oh, it's my pet snake Slinky. A:But...all snakes are deadly from what I learned.. H:Not all snakes. Some of the smaller ones are actually really harmless. Like Slinky! A:So, you only keep the non-deadly ones as pets? H:No we sometimes keep the deadly ones like Pythons. A: *screes in horror with a bit of glitching*

[@mewtwo27mew]

Psst, pythons are not deadly

[@ilovevideogames1302]

Laria they strangle you, not poison you. So yes, they are deadly.

[@mewtwo27mew]

You do know that Pythons are the snakes that are most commonly kept as pets because they aren't very dangerous, right? Ball Pythons are the most common because they are so docile, but Reticulated Pythons are kept as pets too.

[@isabellenolastname4593]

But all snakes are deadly? Nah, im just gonna listen to the screams of horror

[@nanithehusky3544]

A better name for snakes would be nope ropes but danger noodles have already become a meme on this channel so I can't change that

[@primeemperor9196]

*at a play* A: Are those humans confused on what reality they are in? H: No, it's called acting. A: What is this "acting"? H: Basically, it's the ultimate game of playing "pretend". A: And they make this story up as they go along? H: Actually, that would be called improv, which is a form of acting. A: So, how do they know what to do? H: These humans are following a script. It tells them where to go, what to do, what to say, and when to do it all. A: I would like to engage in this activity.

[@chop3334]

*alien goes on the star in a alien movie about humans, the human that the alien was talking to is also in the movie and is the other main character *

[@chocolatelover9664]

Alien if you like script and improve acting, being with me is gonna be the TIME OF YOUR LIFE

[@etcetera1995]

And that was the day Klingons discovered Macbeth.

[@dotwarner17]

@@etcetera1995 Excuse me, Macbeth was clearly written by a Klingon, just as that very same literary genius penned the great socio-political satire _Hamlet_. :)

[@jonathanbetenbender307]

Just sounds like PC police

[@llanfairpwlgwyngyll7331]

Alien: So Human, I've heard about this thing called Minecraft? Human: Oh that game! Yeah it's basically a really simplified survival simulator that is made to calm and relax you. Alien: Oh that sounds nice! Human: Yeah it's all calm and relaxing until you *reach the caves.* Alien: ... w- wait what? Human: ... just listen... (Hands Alien a pair of head phones and turns on minecraft cave noises) Alien: ... *(CAVE NOISE)* Alien: (Big Panic)

[@AlexWithington]

Can't wait for more ambiant music to be added to minecraft

[@e4ehco21]

Also the nether

[@laraschroeder5195]

“THESE AIR VIBRATIONS STIMULATE ILLOGICAL PANIC!!”

[@geesecouchtaming7223]

No aliens most likely has different evolutionary paths that cause their psychology to be different. Humans are scared of animal roars, eerie sounds, and darkness because when humans learn to control fire. Humans then became dependant to it. At night primitive humans need to stay near fire to avoid predators for so long that we develop an instinct that being away from light is dangerous.

[@Crazylom]

"Also, bevare all hostile creature either by running, hiding or killing them. No mo-“ _"Considering how weird you all are, some of those...do not exist, i suppose"_ "You damn right! Like Zombies, Endermen, Creepers 'n stuff..." "Hmm...Interest-" **Creeper's his** **Boom** _AAAAAAAA_

[@pastelbowtie320]

Human: *Sneezes* Alien: HOLY XECTER ON A UTICOXZ! DID YOUR FACE JUST EXPLODE?

[@d0nt.w0rry.ab0ut.1t]

What? Alien words? CONFUSED!?

[@sderoz40]

@@d0nt.w0rry.ab0ut.1t You must be new around here.

[@maxzapsgamingzepzeap2337]

Yes

[@kittyplayz1480]

WE MUST SHOW THEM SNEEZING BABY PANDA

[@AlexWithington]

@@kittyplayz1480 hey u just summed up the interweb

[@susanbaer5542]

A: Human, what are you watching? H: It's a movie called Thor Ragnarok, it's really good. A: Ah, I see. May I watch this "Thor Ragnarok" too? H: Sure! We're almost at a really good part! *Hulk enters gladiator stadium on Sakaar* A: Oh my goodness! What is that giant green man!? H: He's the Hulk. He's a super strong superhero. A: No, that's not what I meant! I was asking why the actor is so big and green! H: Oh, that's not an actor, it's CGI. A: CGI? What is that? H: It stands for computer generated images. It's basically super advanced 3D animation. A: But if the "Hulk" is CGI, than how is "Thor" Fighting him? H: More CGI. A: But "Thor" is not CGI. H: The actor is just pretending to fight him, the CGI doesn't get added until later. A: (Visibly confused) So the actor is just fighting thin air? H: Yeah, basically. A: (Visibly even more confused)

[@admiraljetro8783]

Alien: Why, hello huma.... Human: *THE IMPERIUM OF MAN WILL HUNT YOU DOWN XENO....*

[@gubbikiller]

we will force them to retreat into the next tyranid hive fleet we spot and then exterminatus the foul xeno scum together

[@alliesofcallofduty]

FOR THE EMPEROR! AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

[@CBRN-115]

Aliens: AYO WHAT THE FU-

[@jordanpritchard5226]

BROTHER!!! WE MUST PURGE THESE XENOS FOR THE EMPEROR!!!

[@hunterbeatbilly9836]

Alien 2: jesus i just bought cake and you carried weapons instead. That's a big twist. We were just learning from you humans.

[@dragonhorse4029]

5 year old human: * Running in circles with her arms stretched out, making airplane noises * Alien: HUMAN SASHAAAA!!!! YOUR OFFSPRING IS BROKEN! Human mom: No, Corex, it’s okay, she’s just pretending to be a airplane. Alien: What is...pretending? Human mom: Well...it’s when someone tries to be someone else...like she’s trying to be a airplane Alien: But she cannot fly... Human mom: Shhhh, don’t tell her that, you’ll break her heart Alien: ..... Human mom: ...... Alien: *picks up 5 yr and holds her in the air* Alien: FLY TINY HUMAN

[@agazasaworld2556]

AWWW! thats so fricken cute!!!!

[@veve2484]

WHOLESOME

[@kellyallbury53]

Just wait until you figure out they threw them across the room

[@billcipher-]

Everybody gangtsa till 5 year old flies into the sun

[@electronically-charged]

@@billcipher- of course YOU would say this sentence,bill

[@aberrant9617]

Alien: What is that red thing Human Jared is putting in his mouth? Human:Oh he has asthma that's a inhaler. Alien:What is Asthma? Human: Its where some humans are born with little airways, sometimes they have attacks where they can't breathe, alot of people die from it. And theres no cure. Alien:Some humans randomly can't breathe?!

[@BombusADHD]

Thanks for doing this one for me

[@aberrant9617]

Yea me too 😥

[@tactic34wot52]

Amazingcoco300 same

[@raspberrymoon3643]

My cat might have asthma

[@isabellenolastname4593]

*pat pat* As I dont know how to help all I can provide is support

[@silvertheelf]

“HUMAN I HAVE BROUGHT FIFTEEN CANS OF THIS THING CALLED SOUP TO GET RID OF YOUR TORTURE!” My reaction:”...yep...that’s life”

[@Vinemaple]

Oh, yeah. I didn't think it was funny, now I realize why. Yeah, exactly.

[@dontmindme1681]

"Human, I've discovered a website known colloquially as 'Four-Chan'." Human: "Abort, Zeb! Abort! Close the website!" "What is wrong human, there is a section here listed as---" Human draws blaster, destroys the computer with a single well placed shot. "Why...?" Human: "You're not ready for that level of depravity."

[@vveet]

no-one is!

[@bubbykins4864]

Human Sara: *whispers to Zeb about the depravity* Zeb: *alien screaming noises* Human Matty: *_W H A T_*

[@BlaxeFrost-X]

Congratulations, you saved humans from anihilation with one shot

[@tiobridge841]

Alien: ok human, how about this one? I cannot make sense of the name - e-six-two-one? What does- Human: oK FINE LETS SHOW YOU WHAT 4CHAN IS PAY NO ATTENTION TO THAT OTHER ONE

[@emdivine]

@arnold jayeola it's a furry porn site, and Tio thinks that's worse than 4chan.

[@florenciacolman5957]

Alien: Human, why are you constantly checking the door? Me: Oh, I'm making sure it's locked. Alien: Why? Me: Because sometimes people want to break into our houses and steal our stuff, or just try and murder us. Alien: .......... Me: I know. Humans can be messed up.

[@chaosdude2345]

Aww, I wanted you to hug him!

[@tactic34wot52]

Zionne Makoma oh god....someone needs to do that that be funny as hell

[@ShackleYT]

Roommate: other people just use firearms or alarm systems to protect themselves Alien: firearms? you mean the exploding sticks that humans made to kill each other? wouldn't it be more prudent to disable the other human to interrogate them later? Roommate: if someone breaks into my house, i don't want them to leave alive.

[@nightwarper1760]

Alien: Oh you mean like that masked man behind you with a stabbing stick and a burlap sack

[@michaelatanasio223]

Even worse: despite this alarming tendency, there are actually humans that try and disarm and prosecute the victims of these crimes.

[@moderndavinci6599]

Never realized how "go anywhere build everywhere" humanity is

[@sneaky1497]

A: Since I've been talking to the crew I've realized that you humans like pain, you eat food that simulates pain on purpose, go through extreme activities to get dopamine release and physically hurt yourself to feel better... What is wrong with you all?! How did you even end up on top of the food chain?! H: Uhhh... I dunno... I guess that's because we're smart compared to other life on earth? A: Let's not get started on sports! All of you are capable of interacting with species from other planets yet you engage in these... questionable activites... H: I mean, we get bored a lot? A That's it! *I'M LEAVING!* H: That's the door to the bathroom A: *angry mumbling* H: Why are you heading to the kitchen? A: To try out some of your human foods, you say that they can relieve stress... H: Yeah they can but dont eat too much *a few hours later* H: *walks into kitchen* WHERE IS ALL THE FOOD?! A: ...I don't know...

[@tactic34wot52]

Gabriele Di Carlo LMFAO

[@kdjam8032]

Me XD

[@sskhussaini]

Human: *comes after alien with a frying pan* Human: Didn't you say you were leaving?

[@stevegoomba427]

@PessiOpt 9 A: I ate those food.

[@elim.4204]

5:45 "Fire breather with facial hair" After several rewatches, I finally understood they meant bearded dragon 😂

[@yamthenokia8322]

Aliens learn about Godzilla A: Human, what is this..."Godzilla" movie? H: Oh, it's a Japanese movie about a giant radioactive dinosaur that destroys cities. A: Why would you make something like this!? H: Well back in 1954, the first Godzilla movie, Gojira, was made to reflect the Hirosha bombings. Most of the imagery is actually really close to WW2. A: Ah. Yes. That. H: But now it's a big franchise that's usually about giant monsters fighting each other. In fact, there's another one coming out this year! Also the monster is named Godzilla. A: Ah. Yes. You made a movie that reflects the horrors of the Hiroshima bombings to people that may be traumatized. H: ...yyyyeah? He also breathes fire... A: *WHAT!?*

[@fairerplayz4759]

He breathes radiation

[@dinodude8899]

Human 2: “NOT FIRE, he LITERALLY shoots concentrated radiation that just so happens to burn and melt shit!”

[@dinodude8899]

@Acysu human 2: “........say psych RIGHT THE FUCK NOW.”

[@12-j3melendezaeronjirob.3]

@@dinodude8899 Human 3: *a big fan of Godzilla* WHERE THE FUCK IS THIS PLANET?! BRING ME TO IT!!!!!!!

[@OokamiKageGinGetsu]

Not just "fire." *_RADIOACTIVE FUCKING FIRE!!!_*

[@mojavewastelander4035]

Alien: Human, this tomato pudding is incredible! (holds up bowl) Human: We call it ketchup, (gags) please stop eating it that. way

[@OriginalCreatorSama]

*TOMATO PUDDING* I CAN'T

[@chonacastillo4777]

*SLURP*

[@jasonzhou8274]

*DO NOT INSULT THE HOLY SAUCE!*

[@MoMo-sf8vk]

sarah: *drinks soy sauce* A: that is a biowarfare chemical Sarah: oh this is soy sauce it's good on noodles. A: you drank it raw. S: oh yeah you have like no salt on your ship so i grabbed this from a nearby convenience store A: why???? S: humans need salt or humans will just have a seizure well i hope you got that A: oh humans are strange.

[@justageekygamer]

i will eat it how i damn well please use paper towels for extra swallow ability

[@flyingninjafish1558]

Ya know something? It’s a little uplifting to see how many posts there are where the aliens just immediately hear about some human suffering and are just so damn enthusiastic about helping them get better no matter what!

[@chaosdude2345]

Even if it's uncurable!

[@sderoz40]

Yea anyone with some kind of illness is overloaded with chocolate.

[@tzisorey]

"YOU USE A LASER TO REMOVE INK FROM YOUR SKIN?!?!" Well, not quite - we use the laser to force the ink deeper into our body, so it's not as visible on the surface anymore. "YOU ARE INSANE"

[@jessieovendale5821]

Probably!

[@Autoskip]

Also not quite - the laser brakes the ink particles into smaller particles so that our bodies can deal with them and remove them. “…that might be the first sensible thing you humans have done.”

[@Crazylom]

"We literally make ink bubbles small enouth for our immune system to eventually get rid of 'em." _"...At this point i shall just endure the burden of educating into your culture, THE RYH'IG WAS THAT?!"_ "Speaking of which - did you know honey is the only biological substance that doesn' t spoil? _".........Let me quess, it's either crushed animals or their spit?"_ "..." _"...WAIT IT IS-"_

[@StrangerDanger3279]

@@Crazylom uhhhhhhhhh it's better to just not think about it

[@18Hongo]

If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times; shit like this is why the planet broke before the guard.

[@dionadair8195]

H: In our defense, the second war was started by two crazy people. A: Yes, Hitler and Mussolini. But why didn't anyone stop them? H: Reasons... A: Explain. One lesson later A: oh. Wow.

[@NicknotNak]

The same reason parents give the baby the toy at the store. To avoid a temper tantrum.

[@joelceda3500]

To be fair, the alien's reaction tends to be school kids' reaction too, when WW2 is taught about...

[@retosius7962]

to be fair, it was mostly the people who worked for Hitler who was crazy. he was more towards "easy to manipulate", though still quite a bit crazy.

[@irishspartanstudios]

@@retosius7962 Your making one of the greatest mass murderers in history sound like a victim here.

[@irishspartanstudios]

@gachatube Ah. Okay. Makes sense.

[@TheNoob-em2tk]

Me: Ima be honest, I'm surprised you guys even came to Earth. A: Why is that? Me: I mean, humans have history of hurting eachother, just because of them being a slightly different color, I was scared of what they would do to you! Plus the movies and games of them killing aliens. A: I understand your concern. It took a while, but we manage to earn your leaders trust. Me: Heh. A: What's so funny? Me: Buddy, we've been here forever, and we still don't trust eachother.

[@PhoenixSpade24]

A: What!? You: We also have different leaders for different countries and problems

[@lucasl202-61]

TheNoob0308 THIS IS THE FUNNIEST FUCKING ONE YET XD

[@nobodys_hear]

H: HEY THERE!!! Did you mention the emu war? A: ... what? H: Oh, it's a war where emus and Australia went to war. A:Ok we're leaving.

[@isabellenolastname4593]

Paradoxes that will never be solved.

[@lorekeeper8117]

Rachel Lopez Me: wait take me and my family with you pls!

[@user-ft3jq5vi2l]

3:15 actually, volcanic land is very fertile due to ash containing minerals plants use for growth.

[@MrsMars-kf5lb]

I've only just realized I'm a perfect example of this. Alien: Human? Human: *is putting on back brace* Yeah? Alien: What is that thing you constantly wear around your torso? Is it some form of defense mechanism? Human: What this? Nah, although it has protected me from getting tickled. Alien: So then, what is its purpose? Human: It was made for me specifically so that when tightened it would gently shove my spine back into its proper place. Alien: What Human: Didn't I tell you? My spine decided to play snake one day and veered way off course. Alien: *splutters* But how can you function under such conditions? Wouldn't this merit some kind of surgery? Human: It didn't veer off that far. For some people there's no other choice, but since I had one and I wasn't particularly interested in having my back sliced open and then sewn back up with over fifty stitches... Alien: *is too horrified to speak* Human: I chose to haul this around for two and half years.

[@BombusADHD]

So my choice is major surgery 2.0 or giant hunk of metal.... seems fair

[@MrsMars-kf5lb]

It's actually plastic but basically yeah

[@b1tcxy]

My friend has that and is taking surgery 😁

[@isabellenolastname4593]

At this point aliens are gonna be too scared to kill us,

[@feminismisnthatingmen4697]

Mrs. Mars my friend has Scoliosis

[@LilBlueJay1]

Alien learns what Halloween is Alien: So let me get this straight.... Once a year the human spawn dress up as other things, carry around a bag or bucket and go collect sugar in different shapes from people they dont even know? Human: Yea some teens still do it for the fun of it. But of course we have to check the candy for holes and stuff Alien: Oh? Is the packaging not that strong? Human: Well.... Sometimes. We really just do it to make sure its not drugged or poisoned. Alien: .... Human: you ok? Alien: you are tell me.... That some of you try to kill your own spawn on a night they are supposed to have fun?? Human: Hey at least we check to make sure they dont die! Human 2: wow.... My mom stopped doing that when I was like 7... If i saw a tear i didn't care if i died. That's candy dude! Alien: *making confused angry sounds while storming off*

[@wandererwerewolf477]

Human: To be fair, there's never been a recorded case of people randomly poisoning kids. Alien: Then why was this information repeated to me? Human: . . . Um... Alien: Is this one of those confusing cases wherein I must carefully refuse to generalize the information supplied? Human: . . . Yes. Alien: I anticipate regret. In what exactness was your statement accurate? Human: The few recorded cases weren't random. Alien: . . . !? Human: Yeah, that was our reaction, too.

[@popcornrocks5208]

@@wandererwerewolf477 Wait, Are you telling me that there are actual cases of kids getting poisoned on halloween deliberatly?

[@wandererwerewolf477]

@@popcornrocks5208 Sadly, yes. One or two were even clever enough to poison some of the kid's friends to make it look like the urban legend was real.

[@anhilliator1]

Log: I remember when the camp was attacked. Bandits, to be sure. We did have Keith with us. A Terran, would you believe it? I've heard stories about those crazy deathworlders. I mean, come on, electrical storms? The mantle suddenly bubbling through the crust for no reason? To be fair, though, none of those stories prepped me for what I saw. Keith was - ~is~ a nice guy, to be sure. Friendly, outgoing. (Between you and me, I still think he cheats in that card game. Two skips and a draw four, really?) Suffice it to say, our little group was like family. The bandit attack, though... I can see where those stories came from. The Terran tried to reason with the bandits, and got beaten up. Stupid tactic, to be sure. The moment the bandits started going after us, though... How do I describe it? It's like Keith got replaced by someone completely different. He's a scrawny guy, and yet, he gets up and outright *TACKLES* the leader to the ground. He got shot several times, but he just kept going! Next thing I know, the bandits are all a bloody, moaning mess, and Keith... Well, it was terrifying. I felt like I'd just seen a monster wearing someone's face. Next thing I know, he collapses. Med report mentioned that he sustained multiple flesh wounds and several fractures and broken bones, among other things. And yet, he's back on his feet in a matter of weeks, just as jovial as ever! Keith told me that it's because we're his friends. Am I glad that he's on our side.

[@Vinemaple]

This is more like it

[@patrickhoover8501]

For a sec I thought this was about kieth from voltron bc that is totally something he’d do

[@joewen6600]

“Because we like pain.” This describes humans perfectly

[@davidthorp01]

Alien’s first time around human weapons: A: Human David, what is this room we are in and what is all of this equipment? D: Ah ok, so since you seem to not know much about firearms (guns and the like) I figured I’d give you a quick run down on our weapons of War and defense. Plus it’s really fun! A: Are you sure human? These ‘fire arms’ are quite dangerous are they not? D: Yes, just be careful and I’ll explain some of it, although not all of it. (picks up a pistol) Ok, so this is a smaller weapon we call a pistol, it is often referred to as a sidearm, it isn’t as powerful as bigger guns but is extremely portable. A: How does this weapon work? D: Ok see this (picks up bullet) this is a bullet, it has combustible powder inside and contains the explosion behind the projectile, which we send out the barrel at the desired target. Often this type of gun is for self defense, but it can also be used to hunt animals for sustenance. A: Ah yes i remember humans are omnivores...wait wait contained explosions to fire your projectiles?! D: Yeees... A: Isn’t that, you know DANGEROUS?! D: It can be if the equipment is bad, but the metal should contain it. I mean it is close to your hands and face so gotta be safe right? Alien: You are a cleaver species human, i assume this equipment was designed initially with hunting in mind? D: Wellll... A:....... D: We have a bit of a history in regarding warfare you remember? A:....Bar- D: Barbarians yadda yadda yadda, I bet you guys have some skeletons in your own closets. You should be very glad we like you. A:...A fair point, and us with you. D: But yea, we made these to destroy other things. A: I’m guessing they are all around these sizes? D: Hahahhaha, no no, let me tell you about the Iowa class battleship, this is only 9 millimeters, and some rounds get up to this (pulls out .50 cal), but those ships fired 16 inch shells. We have designed bigger, and we are creative with our designs. A: *Internally sweating* T-that is quite powerful human... D: Now imagine if we could get our hands on something better, like plasma... A: *Internal shrieking* Whispers into his communicator “Remind me never to introduce them to the Galactic fleet.”

[@sunriseschild]

Excelent!

[@alliesofcallofduty]

*Shoots homemade 100 k volt railgun*

[@vixshire3672]

A human actually did build a plasma gun though it’s strongest feat was knocking over a few cans about 2feet away

[@maxzapsgamingzepzeap2337]

Could you repeat that?

[@vixshire3672]

MaxZaps Gaming me? Or op

[@arcturusthelibrarian1463]

Alien: Human what are doing with that obje- Human: *shoots dart gun at alien* Alien: *screams* wait, why am I not dead? Human: oh sorry ubix, it's called a dart gun, it's a toy, something we play with for fun Alien: YOU MAKE MOCK WEAPONRY FOR FUN!? Human: No those are called airsoft guns, those ones actually hurt a lot. Alien: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!?

[@minibandut8288]

I can only imagine the alien pulling out a actual gun that can hurt alot-

[@robertlinke2666]

airsoft doen't hurt a lot. unless you have the energy of the motor or the pressure of the HPA tank up higher then is reasonable. or you get hit in a weak spot. that does hurt. got hit in the crotch once, that hurt. a lot

[@quaruppraiahotel2493]

@@robertlinke2666 almost anything who hit the crotch is going to hurt a Lot

[@itsanna0735]

Imagine if some mute human was friends with some prankster human and they both meet an alien, the prankster is just making everything both slightly confusing and extremely nonsensical while the mute one is desperately trying to sign language to the alien to try and salvage the explanation.

[@french_2049]

*hangs up flag* Alien- human what’s that? Human- oh it’s the flag of the region I’m from called South Carolina. A- why is there a tree on it? H- it’s a long tale but you wanna here? A- sure. *10 minutes later* A- so you’re telling me that your ancestors build a fort out of trees and the projectiles just bounced off? H- yeah and we were out numbered 3:1 A- wat? H- so a few years later we place a tree on the flag that was flown during the battle. A- is that all your people are proud about? H- we don’t talk about the next 100 years due to ... ok we practiced slavery . A- your history is FUCKED UP!

[@daisyle125]

This is America? Ghosh damn it

[@lhtyeehaw1319]

69th like

[@nightwarper1760]

Human 2: Better then Arkansas flag, it’s literally based off the confederate flag. Alien: What’s the confederate flag? Human 2: It’s the flag of the people who were pro slavery. It’s a red flag with a blue X, and stars on the X. Alien: Well at least people no longer carry this fl- *notices a flag of that same description on the back of a pick up truck* OH COME ON!

[@ytuser4562]

The “we’ve got 50 uninhabitable planets that you might enjoy” line got me GOOD.

[@AJRoo]

ALIEN: What are these "Sour Cream and Onion Chips" I found in your pantry? HUMAN: Oh, those are basically sliced potatoes that we fry to a crisp. Those, in particular, are just flavored with a couple of other foods? ALIEN: Fascinating! May I try some? HUMAN: Sure! I do warn you though, they're highly addictive. ALIEN: **eats one chip** HUMAN: They're good, right? ALIEN: **eyes widen** I finally see humanity's desire to steal.

[@zenofurude8207]

AJ Roo nice

[@galaxygirl001]

Ok the Alien knows now why we steal

[@motharchenemy8549]

iN THE WORDS OF KING DEDEDE, "HAND ME ANOTHER BAG O' THEM CHIPS!".

[@lucasl202-61]

AJ Roo *grabs chips protectivly* DON'T TOUCH THEM

[@RyujinNoKami]

Eat chips everyday

[@jackcostello4046]

If we ever form any kind of union with an alien species/multiple species, we will be super helpful in specific circumstances. 'Two months after first contact with humans'. Alien council "We have found some kind of space anomaly. We are uncertain what it does, how it got there, or why it is there. All we know is that anything that goes near it will probably die. Now, we are searching for volunteers, although I doubt that anyone will-" Humans "CERTAIN DEATH?! SOUNDS LIKE FUN!!!"

[@TheAttacker732]

Dennis Costello 'If I survive, I want a chapter in your history books.'

[@1subscriberonevideo511]

I wish the aliens found out about dbz

[@justseffstuff3308]

Lmao

[@boa_firebrand]

@Kasey Lock " what is this 'haunting' you speak of?"

[@boa_firebrand]

@Kasey Lock " HUMANS CAN COME BACK FROM BEING DEAD!?"

[@corvcrawler]

*teaching an alien about hugs* H: *hugging themselves and crying* A: H-human, are you alright? H: Oh... Yeah I think I'll be okay. A: Why were you holding yourself that way? It looks odd. Protection, perhaps? Are you in pain!? H: No, no, I was hugging myself. A: Hugging? Please do explain. H: Bro you've never been hugged? I'll have to teach you about hugs. When people are in need of emotional support we will hug. When best friends greet each other they may hug. Lovers might embrace each other, which can either mean a very gentle hug or a sensual one. A: And how is this 'hug' performed, exactly. How does it benefit you at all!? It's just physical contact in a weirder way. H: You wrap your arms around them, but don't hurt them, just reassuring squozes and maybe back pats. They will more often than not hug you back, unless they feel uncomfortable or don't want to be hugged. A: *still confused???* H: In circumstances where a hug is condoned, it's not only a nice way to show affection, but it just feels nice to be held. When all else fails, hug yourself if you don't have a shoulder to cry into. It releases dopamines, endorphins, and serotonin into your brain and it'll make you feel happier, so it's a great way to show somebody you care about them. A: That sounds... Nice. We don't hug on homeworld. Of course, you've taught me how to care about somebody and about things like food, sports, and weather, but I'm surprised I haven't experienced this before. H: Well, lemme show you! *hugs alien* now you do this back. A: *hugs*...This is... Really pleasant. H: You can be my hug buddy! A: Yes, I think I'd like that, "hug buddy."

[@oogaboogaspookyman]

THIS IS SO BEAUTIFUL!

[@jackusy3414]

Y. E. S.

[@TangoBravoAlerts]

Alien: Human, I've been reading your history.. Human: Oh, here we go... Alien: And I've seen many data points about this thing called "Titanic." Human: *sigh of relief* Oh, that. I thought you were going to ask about the World Wars- Alien: There is a long video of this "Titanic," with many humans on it, two that were focused on a lot (and one drew the other nude), and many of them dying when it sank after striking a large piece of ice, and people refusing to go into lifeboats, and some where locked below. Human: Oh yeah, one of the most famous movie ever made. Alien: So it taught you humans about how to be safe when you go on your large salt water bodies? Human: Uhhh... kinda? Alien: Whenever you say that, I start to feel my scales itch. Human: It's a movie based on a real event. Alien: This really happened? You humans built a big vessel without enough safety devices or technology to see in the dark and navigate safely, and allowed lots of people to die? Human: Yeah... Alien: And the movie, was it a safety movie? About what not to do? Human: Nope, it was about the two that fell in love, and they were made up. Alien: YOU MADE A MOVIE ABOUT A SINKING SHIP WHERE LOTS OF PEOPLE DIED ABOUT TWO NOT REAL HUMANS FALLING IN LOVE, AND NOT ABOUT HOW TO KEEP YOUR PEOPLE SAFE? Human: We like seeing big things get destroyed and people falling in love. Alien: Just when I think I start to understand you humans, something comes up that makes me realize I know nothing about you at all.

[@vveet]

Alien: but you didn't build another one... Human: Weeeeeeeeeeeelllllll Alien: No don't tell me Human: It's a tourist attraction, people dress up in vintage attire... Human: ...the safety precautions are improved?

[@justarandomtechpriest1578]

@@vveet hey its sister ship was fine until it got torpedoed

[@Vinemaple]

Human: Well, actually, the sinking did convince us to devise much, much better ship designs and safety procedures. But the video you saw...

[@loogi4062]

Alien: Human, what is this game you are playing? Human: Oh, this is Super Mario Bros. Alien: What is it about? Human: You play as this Italian plumber going on an adventure to save a princess from a huge Turtle-dragon. Alien: Wha-Why is a plumber saving her? Why not a knight or her guards? Human: Her guards got turned into Bricks. *Breaks a brick in game* Alien: WAIT WHY DID YOU BREAK THOSE BLOCKS IF THEY ARE PEOPLE?! Human: Because it gives you points and power-ups. Alien: *confused stuttering*

[@bubbykins4864]

Human: *defeats fake Bowser No. 1* Toad: Thanks Mario! But the princess is in another castle! (or however it goes in-game) Alien: *_W H A T_* *7 worlds later* Human: *defeats the real Bowser* Alien: Let me guess, the princess is in another castle? Game: *has the princess be in this exact castle* Alien: *_W H A T_*

[@leungzinwang4188]

Human playing Zelda Aliens: what are you playing Human:this is legends of Zelda it is a series of games this is ocarina of time which is given universally acclaimed scores by critics yes there are game critics Alien : what is it about Human:it is about an incarnating gerudo race man who is an evil hog who kidnaps a princess and link must save the princess The deku tree is dying Alien: did you kill that tree Human:well kinda but I am not responsible because it died from queen gohma Alien: can you change a game Human;sure Inserts majora’s mask Alien:why is the moon crashing Human:spoilers can’t say Alien : can you change again Human:sure grab twilight princess and insert twilight princess to alien you better step back so I will not hit you Alien step back Human:turn into wolf link to navigate Alien: why do you turn link into a wolf Human:erm it is his ability Alien fair enough but I want to see more Zelda Human:grabs switch and play botw A yiga swordsman appears Alien : where did it come from Me: teleportation And magic I guess

[@wandererwerewolf477]

Human 2: Hey, you're confusing him! It says in the backstory that only the power-up bricks were people! The breakable bricks are just bricks! Human 1: Sheesh, all right! Quit being so pedantic! Alien: What is "pedantic"? Human 1: Um... like a teacher. Alien: Why is it bad to be like a teacher? Human 1: An _annoying_ teacher. Alien: Ah.

[@leungzinwang4188]

Human playing persona with alien Alien: why is minato pointing a gun into his head Human: to summon his persona and it is not a loaded gun it will not hurt him Alien: ok except that part I just mentioned Persona 4 Alien: you went into a tv also why are there corpses in the telephone line Human: erm spoilers I cannot say Persona 5 Alien : he rips off his mask from his face and his face bleeds it must hurt so much Human: it is never explained is it painful Alien : at least it is better than shooting your head anyone this is ok

[@wandererwerewolf477]

@@leungzinwang4188 Human: It's actually a pretty deep metaphor. Alien: Explain. Human: In one school of psychology, the Persona is the true self, while the social identity is referred to as the Mask. Alien: I am not certain I understand. Human: Well, any time you're dealing with a human being, you're only seeing part of our personality. It would be complicated and messy to deal with it all, so we just show a few bits and pieces. Alien: Does this relate to your change of facial expression as you turned from the game to interact with me? Human: Well, yes. In a way, I put down the mask of "game player" and picked up the mask of "social person". Alien: I see... I think. Does this relate to the game? Human: It does. Each of the characters is living behind a social mask at the start, pretending to be someone they aren't. They only become powerful by acknowledging and accepting themselves as they truly are. Alien: I see. This complements the image of removing the mask, then. Human: Pretty much. Alien: And the gun? Human: Well, Evokers were used for the "death of self"... Alien: Why did I ask? Human: Metaphorical death. Killing the false self so the true self can come out. Alien: It is still too much death for my tastes.

[@harukafan07]

Alien: Human! Your finger seems to be damaged. Shall I fetch the medic? Human: Oh, no, it's just a paper cut. A: _searching through tablet_ ...Uh- H: The edges of paper are sharp and if we accidentally nick them, on usually our hands or arms, it can leave a small cut. A: Er, so does it need medical attention or- H: Nope. It just kinda hurts. Its bleeding a bit, so I'm gonna go wash it off. A: ....Oh. Hm. *1 day later* H: _screaming_ A: It's just a paper cut, right..? H: NO, IT'S A KNIFE CUT. A: Bu- H: Fetch the medic! A: ..... A: Wait, what?

[@Crazylom]

WHEN YOU SEEN SO MUCH RED BEFORE!

[@jeffstiles7850]

Alien: I have use genetic manipulation to bring back your missing dragon. Human: OMG Alien: Are you pleased? D&D playing human: More than you can possibly imagine.

[@alliesofcallofduty]

dr bright is not allowed to use scp's to simulate the danger for any dungons and dragons game.

[@asdraanimationl118]

@@alliesofcallofduty sincerely I'm surprised this wasn't added to the list.

[@MoMo-sf8vk]

Alien is dr bright of the scp foundation

[@memyselfi208]

God hope that person isn't a bard

[@billcipher-]

Nat 20 for seduction

[@randommandoade1465]

Someone needs to make Humans are Space Orcs into a show! I would binge watch it!

[@maverickdarkrath4780]

It's an alien research crew living amongst human partners to observe and learn about humans..not knowing how random and insane of a species we are

[@bloodsmithgamer5071]

Agreed.

[@YataTheFifteenth]

@@maverickdarkrath4780 Animators! Manga Artist! Writers! To work! Let's go!

[@satanic_rosa]

3rd Rock from the Sun comes to mind

[@Roadent1241]

LilyIsDead Beat me to it.

[@RobGcraft]

Alien: “Hey this contains capsaicin! It’ll burn your mouth! Human? WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?” Human: “LET ME EAT IT DAMNIT! IT MAKES FOOD TASTE BETTER!”

[@Crazylom]

"Also, there are so spicy things, that they can cause chemical burn" "And you actually eat them like Deathworlders you are?" "eeeEEXacly" "...I gotta get used to it"

[@thelovablebug6971]

HUMAN: Awesome costume, it moves super realistic that must of cost alot ALIEN: This is not a costume, this is my actual body. HUMAN: Prove it! ALIEN: How do you want me to prove I'm real and not another human in a "skin suit"? HUMAN: Lol I don't know bleed? or do something we humans cant do. ALIEN: *pricks self with sharp object and bleeds blue blood* HUMAN: *stares at blood* Dude that totally paint or food dye. ALIEN: *Unholy yelling* WHY DO HUMANS ALWAYS ASSUME I'M A HUMAN IN A SUIT, WHEN VERY CLEARLY I'M NOT?!

[@dinodude8899]

Human 2: *smacks human one upside the head.* “because humans are a dumbass species....”

[@spartanv0]

Human 3 in the corner: because humans are sceptical and sometimes can't accept the most plainly obvious facts.

[@judgment5090]

Human 4: trust us, we know we are dumb and idiotic, we just don’t care!

[@l1zziebear]

Human 5: Some of us think the moon is made up of cheese, or that the earth is a flat circle.

[@Jpx0999]

Human:because it is poss9ble to humana blood to have the Blue or sometimes even green color IS Just EXTREMELY rare

[@fluffystuff500]

A: What is this small fluffy creature? H: A dog. A: That can't be right. From what I've observed, dogs are much larger than this. Unless this is an adolescent... H: No. Some types of dogs are different sizes. This one is a Pomeranian. She's an adult. A: but...why? H: We bred them different ways for different reasons. A: I see. What is this one's purpose? H: I don't actually know. *dog starts barking * A: WHY IS IT MAKING THAT AWFUL SOUND?! H: Oh. She likes to bark at nothing sometimes. A: WHAT?! THERE'S NO REASON FOR THIS NOISE?! H: Nope. She just does that. Sometimes she does it at two in the morning when I'm trying to sleep. A: Why do you keep this annoying creature? H: Because I love her. A: Why? H: She's adorable and she makes me happy. A: How do you calm her? H: Just let her do that. She'll stop eventually.

[@tactic34wot52]

Fluffystuff 500 I really loved this one, so god damn funny

[@GastArts]

*200 years later*

[@isaackellogg3493]

Yappy puffball dogs were bred as flea-magnets for nobles who never bathed themselves. The dogs would get washed periodically, taking care of the fleas.

[@jasminedoggietvn6995]

D: *_WORF WOOF WORF RUFF ROWRF_* Human in baby voice: Awww, aren’t you just the most fierce lil puppy? Yes you are, yes you are! You want to go home and play? Hsghejwdhfhejjw Alien: What are you doing? Can the dog understand you in that voice? H: I’m just talking to it and no it can’t understand me. I’m talking on this voice cause my heart melts every time I see her. A: WHAT? WE MUST SEND YOU TO THE HUMAN HOSPITAL! MELTING HEARTS CANNOT BE GOOD! H: What, no! It’s an expression. It means she makes me really happy when I see her. A: Oh. Then you ‘melt my heart’ human Sarah. H: Awww, thanks Glorbnorf.

[@joshuaspath6923]

Fluffystuff 500 Aliens would think dogs are social parasites that steal our food and contribute nothing in return.

[@Sammy_The_Umbreon]

Alien: Human, what are you doing? Human: (In a sleeping bag - about to slide down the stairs) Sliding down the stairs? Alien: That seems painful Human: (shrugs) Alien: Why are you even doing this? Human: It's fun?

[@veanomshihoni5439]

Human: *sitting at a table reading dungeons and dragons books* Alien: human what are you doing? Human: oh, I'm making a character for dungeons and dragons. Alien: what is this dungeons and dragons? Human: it's a game where you make a character and then act as them and go on adventures. Alien: interesting is it like your normal "sports?" Human: no we sit at a table and do voices and roll dice. Alien: you.... you are a strange people

[@wandererwerewolf477]

Human: It's something of a performance art, like theater or movies. Alien: So there is an audience? Human: Sometimes. If the performers are good enough, they can become very popular. Alien: I see. But what is the function of the dice? Human: Technically they're optional, but a lot of games use them. The dice are used to introduce randomness into the narrative of the story. Alien: Is this desirable? Human: Well, a story in which the characters can never fail is boring. So, yes. Use of randomness ensures that the story contains a degree of risk. Alien: Risk? Human: Well, simulated risk. The character you create can fail at what he's doing, get hurt, die, but it's all simulated. Alien: You simulate death and destruction for enjoyment? Human: . . . Well, yes.

[@dabi410]

Human 1: Hey, Ben, we still up for D&D on Saturday? Human 2: yeah, hey is it okay if Zorax comes along? I’m helping him build a character. Human 1:alright. A: this is gonna be lit! D&D session goes well

[@tactic34wot52]

@@dabi410 alien rolls a crit20 and ends up seducing the final boss because he chose a bard

[@dabi410]

Tactic34 WOT HOW DARE YOU ASSUME THEYD PLAY THE WORST CLASS?

[@tactic34wot52]

@@dabi410 hey bard is fun, speaking of fun in my most recent DND session I tricked my GM into letting me use my ork warboss miniature as my character XD

[@softaya6016]

Alien: Why is that human doing flips and rolls with their body? Human: Oh, they’re probably a gymnast. A: ..’gymnast’? H: They do gymnastics which means they do loads of cool flips and stuff with their body. A: ?? H: I don’t know! I’m not one! A: *sigh* We’ll anyways, do they get injured? H: Yea sometimes, they try to be really careful not to though. A: Do they learn this by themselves? H: Some do. They’re called self-taught gymnasts. Most of them are trained by a coach. A: Hmm.. Fascinating! A: *looks up gymnastics* A: *tries to do a handstand* A: *ARRRGGHH OWWWW* H: You okay dude? A: WHY DO YOU HUMANS CREATE THESE THINGSSSS?!?!

[@ultimatehope7375]

Alien:...humans pick each other's mates? Me: I mean, one time I shipped these two friends together and they actually started dating soooo Alien: *confused yet slightly impressed noises*

[@christopherulrich164]

*alien learns about VR* Alien: "Human John, what are you doing? Are those glasses you are wearing?" Human: "What? No. I'm playing a VR game. VR stands for Virtual Reality." Alien: "That is fascinating! I didn't know you Humans had the technology to create virtual worlds!" Human: "Well, it's not quite that, we code things into a blank world, to make it look like a real world. Alien: "Interesting, may I try?" Human: "Sure! Knock yourself out." Alien: puts on goggles and sees magnificent things. whispers into alien phone "Perhaps these humans were a bigger threat than we thought" Human: "Wait, what did you say?" Alien: "Uh... NOTHING!"

[@daisyle125]

Oh shit

[@ClvrBstrd]

Was fully expecting him to see VR Chat in it's entirety

[@jan3211200]

@@ClvrBstrd ..... its 99% smut

[@Mono.5140]

A yes "magnificent" things *lenny face*

[@oceanhaze6701]

You could use vr for torture why haven’t I thought of this before

[@Ganurath]

Alien: Human friend, where are you going? Human: I'm... going to my bedroom? Alien: I see. And how does a human bed? Human: ...It's actually named after the central piece of furniture in the room. Alien: So more like a bathroom than a dining room. What is a bed for, that it's so central to the room? Human: It's what I sleep on. Alien: Sleep? Human: You might want to sit down for this one. Alien: Alright... Human: Humans spend roughly a third of their lives in an unconscious state. We call it sleep. Alien: So all this other insanity is due to beating yourselves unconscious on a regular basis? Human: What? No, we go nuts if we *don't* sleep. Heightened aggression, loss of focus, hallucinations, all sorts of stuff. Besides, there's no beatings involved. Alien: I'm confused. Again. Human: We just lay down, close our eyes, and assuming there aren't any obvious threats around we lose consciousness as... it's oversimplifying to say our brain recompiles, but- Alien: YOUR BRAIN DOES WHAT?! Human: Again, that's oversimplifying! Anyway, after a few hours of high-definition hallucinations called dreams- Alien: I thought this was supposed to prevent hallucinations. Human: Oh, we hallucinate either way. It's better to do it when you're incapacitated, though, y'know? Alien: Jesus Christ! Human: Wait, you know him? Alien: In my language, that was an expletive!

[@wizzlelobomon3274]

_”Wait, you know him?”_

[@jejo874]

@@wizzlelobomon3274 "Well of course I know him, he's me!"

[@theaveragecomment1014]

@@jejo874 lmao

[@popcornrocks5208]

I honestly take issue with this one because you'd think that an advanced race would still have to sleep. It wouldnt be just us that would.

[@Ganurath]

@@popcornrocks5208 I imagined the alien as having developed on a world in a geosynchronous of the local star, so that the local life developed without a day/night cycle.

[@seanvibing6995]

Alien: So... you are telling me that once a month all female humans just start bleeding?!? This also lasts for 5 days?!? Human: Yeah but they aren’t all at the same time they start when you are about twelve and end when you are about 50. Also the cramps we get are terrible. Alien: Is there no cure for this? Human: Actually that is how we have babies if we didn’t get periods we wouldn’t be able to make babies. Alien: I have a newfound respect for human females.

[@normalfacestars]

Actually it lasts about a week

[@memelescream4796]

Human: hey wanna see me shotgun this gasoline Alien: wait isnt that deadly? Even for you? Human: ya lol [Human stabs a hole in a gas can and 'drinks' it] Alien: NO Human 2: god that stuff is so spicy i cant handle it. Watch. [Human 1 does the firebreathing trick] Alien:give me the gasoline Human 2: wait youll die Alien: i know.

[@Crazylom]

Ah yes, *CONTAIGOUS DUMBASSERY*

[@donnienysus3649]

Everytime I hear the aliens scream I laugh, I just can't!

[@LongandWeirdName]

Alien: These "Birth Days". You celebrate one rotation around your central star. I understood that by now, yet... Human: Yes? Any more questions? Alien: These surprise parties... Human: Oh. Yeah. We conspire each year to shock the person who just finished a cycle with a feast by misleading them that we did not remember that their cycle is complete. Alien: And this anticipation... It brings joy? Human: No. Mostly, it brings about a feeling of abandonment and lowers their sense of social importance. Alien: Then, perhaps, the reveal of the deception brings joy... Human: Not really... Mostly just relief of the tension. Not like the feast itself is pleasant, as it is unnecessarily ritualistic and includes obligatory chanting that brings discomfort to most of the people involved. Alien: Why continue such torturous behavior, then? Human: Well... We, humans, tend to remember every single detail of what brings us discomfort, with any similar stimulus causing us to relive those moments, and only vaguely recall repeated sources of pleasure. Alien: That is a horrible existence. It must cause numerous psychological issues to you. Human: How do you think we became the dominant species on our planet? It allows us to avoid risks. Alien: You frighten me sometimes.

[@raphaelmines1073]

*Aliens learns about tanning* Alien: Human George, why is that male human laying on the sand out in the sun? Human: Hm? Oh that guy is just getting a tan. Alien: What is a tan? Human: It's something that some humans like to do to make their skin look different and cool. Alien: Interesting, this must be very popular to do. Human 2: Yes it is but however there's a risk when doing so such as sunburns or worse, developing skin cancer. Alien: ... What?

[@snidramon]

A: "What is this sun burn? I thought your star wasn't capable of launching matter through your ionosphere?" H: Well human skin isn't strong enough normally to withstand the solar radiation that does make it past our atmosphere, so it either becomes damaged (we call it sunburned) or it releases a chemical that makes it stronger, which also changes the color. A: I see, and tell me of this "cancer" H: Basically it's when a cell refuses to die when its supposed to, so it basically goes rogue and replicates rapidly with no concern for what's around it. Its very hard to fix and can often be fatal. A: So even a human cells are violent, unpredictable, and hard to kill? No wonder you bathe in radiation.

[@raphaelmines1073]

Oh my Notch that is really cool and well made snidramon.

[@isabellenolastname4593]

Me : In a nut shell, its a form of self harm for a new skin color that goes away in a few years.

[@bellamu3428]

Alien: human Greg....I have a question. Greg: oh? Yeah what’s up? Alien: I noticed that human Lilian often shuts herself away in her quarters much sooner than other humans and she seems to exhaust herself much easier than other humans. Why is that? Is she ill? G: oh, no she’s not ill. She’s just kinda introverted. A: what is...”introverted” G: its when being around others drain you of energy. Some people are more introverted than others, sometimes needing days to recharge. While extroverts get energy from being around people and like spending lots of time out and about. A: so...does human Lilian dislike people then? G: what?! No she’s has plenty of good friends. A: but if people are stealing her energy why would she be around them?? G: just because she likes being alone sometimes doesn’t mean she hates people. She’s not even that bad compared to some people. Sometimes people are so introverted they like, never leave their houses. Like ever. A: so what your saying is... some humans are so exhausted by people they rather stay alone......forever? G: sometimes they have cats A: *confused babbling*

[@adt4864]

I suppose she does work more efficiently on her own...

[@marlodoesstuff]

Why is nobody talking about how wholesome the alien is when the humans are sad or sick or something like at 16:49

[@volk551]

A: Human what happened to you you went unconscious for 8 earth hours. H: Oh I went to sleep. A: What is sleep? H: Sleep is what we humans do for 1/3 of our lives. A: Why? H: To give our bodies time to relax. A: Does anything happen when you sleep? H: Yes brain goes into overdrive starts producing all kinds of weird images and sounds that we see we call them dreams. A: How do you relax when your brain is more active? H: I don't know. A: Then why do it? H: Because if we don't we will die. A: THIS RAISES MORE QUESTIONS! H: Yup.

[@adt4864]

Our brain is not more active! It dreams probably because parts are more active than others.

[@sirapple2406]

A DT the reason that humans dream is because your brain is transferring memories from you short-term to the long-term memory storage. And sleep is also used to recharge your body.

[@keiichimorisato98]

There is a chemical build up that happens when your brain is awake and active, when you sleep you begin to use less of your brain, which decreases blood flow, the blood is then replace with cerebral fluid that washes the brain of the chemical.

[@z.schroeder5765]

A: My human friend, I am concerned. H: Huh? About what? A: Today I was watching one of your... “documentaries” on the Flixnet. The ones with bored humans talking over old moving pictures. H: Yeah...? What was this one about? A: Your so-called “Cold War” of the late 20th century. H: Oh no... A: While I find your petty ideological disputes over differing human economic models fascinating, I have to ask... what is “MAD”? H: Uhhhhh... A: It sounds like one of your English language acronyms, but I cannot possibly think of a logical set of words that fit that precise combination of letters. What does it mean? H: It’s uhhh... “Mutually Assured Destruction”? A: ... I beg your pardon? H: Basically, it means “if I die, you die”? A: **sighs** Of course it does. I’m assuming this is why the documentary came with many video recordings of volcanic eruptions? H: W-Wellllll... A: ... Human... H: I think those were actually... nuclear bombs... A: Nuclear bombs? What does the bonding of atoms have to do with warf- H: ... A: You didn’t. H: Only twice... A: YOU’RE TELLING ME YOU ACTUALLY DETONATED THEM?! IN YOUR OWN BIOSPHERE! H: Y-Yeah... but we haven’t done it since! A: Oh good! So you destroyed them all after you realized how stupid it was. H: Not really... A: ... how many. H: Fifteen thousand. A: And who has them? H: The United States... and Russia. A: Wait you mean the ones who had the “Cold War”? H: Uh huh... A: ... this planet is doomed.

[@pretzelbomb6105]

Also, many other countries have them, like the UK and India.

[@nightwarper1760]

H: Oh and North Korea A: Oh, so I’m assuming this is a peaceful land with a nice leader, and these are kept there to not fall in wrong hands? H:........... A: *Sighs* Let me guess, is the leader a dictator? H: *Sighs* Yeah. A: Spawn of a female canine!

[@Khajitxi]

And we’ve lost track of a few tons of them.

[@EagleScoutmano]

A few more accurate numbers for ya. We have detonated close to 2000 nuclear devices, in the atmosphere, the ocean, underground, and even the edge of space, in tests since WWII. The Hiroshima and Nagasaki Bombs were around 10-20 kiloton TNT equivalent, the explosives tested since range from less than 10 tons TNT equivalent (Davy Crockett and similar) to 50 megaton equivalent (Tzar bomb). That last one has more explosive force than 2000 Hiroshima bombs. In one device. At the height of the cold war, the number of bombs wasn't even remotely close to 15,000- rather over 60,000- 40,000 Soviet devices, and 20,000 American ones. Plus of course the meager count (never more than a couple thousand all told) in the half-dozen or so other Nuclear powers- France, England, Israel, Turkey, India, Pakistan, etc. Disturbingly, some 10,000 or so of the Soviet devices are "unaccounted for"; nobody seems to know where they went. Which means it's likely that quite a few former Soviet Block nations that 'officially' do not have Nukes, do, in fact, have them... Btw, the Tsae Bomb is really neat to read up on- its "fireball" had a diameter of around 6 miles (10 kilometers), its mushroom cloud was around 100 miles tall, caused total devastation as far as 30 miles radius around it, extreme devastation up to twice that, was heard hundreds of miles away, and due to atmospheric resonance, caused damage thousands of miles away in Scandinavian cities, despite being set off in the extreme north of Russia. And that's just SOME of the stuff about that bomb. They stopped building bigger bombs both because even the RUSSIANS got scared, and because they realized that 2000 Hiroshima size bombs, or 50 1-megaton devices ("normal" hydrogen bombs) would cause MASSIVELY more devastation, for less money.

[@anirvana]

@@EagleScoutmano You know that shit's bad when the mf Russians get scared

[@EJKMuffin]

I love how in all of these alians are just like Papyrus without the narcicisum. They are adorable beans, that are wholesome, pure, and confused about many normal human things, like human history, tradition, and the way we think.

[@eunahjang]

A fellow undertale fan I see

[@EJKMuffin]

@@eunahjang Yes!

[@jetwingsdaydream]

Alien: human, why do you make a noise with your mouth? Human: talking? Alien: no Human: breathing? Alien: is that what you call your belly being sucked in and out? Human: uh yeah. What do you mean by why? We can't live without breathing. Alien: ah you must be addicted. But if you put your mind to it, you could click the right side of your lung forwards slightly and you wouldn't have to! So why do you- Human: *confused earthling noises*

[@susiebrat3811]

This one right here-

[@hithere911]

**Internal Earthling Scream** This reminds me of that one scene in Labyrinth, with the Fireys.

[@user-qy5si4gz1k]

Here, it's the human who is confused

[@purplecrewmate8698]

You mean you guys _can't_ do that?

[@irishspartanstudios]

Da f***?

[@404usernotfoundpleasetryag4]

Human: *sings* Alien: Human Lilly, what is that sound your making? Human: Oh, I'm singing, was I bothering you? Alien: What?! No not at all, its very, how did Human Greg put it? Angelic was it? Human: Oh! Thank you, I've never been complimented about my singing Alien: Could you continue? Human: Okay, *sings* Alien: *falls asleep* *Yay fluffy story!!*

[@theaveragecomment1014]

Cute :3

[@DoubleBoost23]

Nice.

[@heartofthewild680]

2 weeks later... Alien: Human Jacob! Human Lilly just showed me their singing. Can you sing too? Other humans: NO! Jacob: sure! *takes deep breath* REEEEEEEE-

[@404usernotfoundpleasetryag4]

@@heartofthewild680 Alien: *_mY eArS_*

[@AnimeboyIanpower]

Replace "Lilly" with "Maria" and "Greg" with "George" and you have a MOTHER story.

[@meganerd14]

17:16 A - Are you pleased? Me - ...Will it eat me? A - ...N-No- Me - THEN YESSSS!!! *proceeds to hug dragon*