Best HFY Reddit Stories: The Dirtlings (r/HFY)

Throwing rocks!
An original story written, and granted permission to narrate by u/DestroyatronMk8
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#hfy #Greentext #awesome #space #spaceorcs #/tg/ #greentexts #4chan

[@brendamayfuller8803]

"A few thousand years ago a human picked up a rock. And the Malevolent Universe made that everyone elses problem." First Contact

[@peterwall8191]

*Brenda May Fuller * A few million year ago, some bat shit crazy people uplifted some apes, making them sapient. The multiverse has been cursing their name ever since.

[@JosephKano]

I just finally got to Ep 823. I'm finally caught up amd waiting for the next chapter to drop. The shakes are already setting in. First Contact. Ralts Bloodthorne doesn't write First Contact. He is remembering the future...

[@brendamayfuller8803]

@@JosephKano You might be able to ease the shakes by rereading and going through the comments. There is a lot of good stuff in the F.C. comments sections. Oh, and was the remembering the future comment about Jack Williamsons "The Legion of Space" trilogy?

[@JosephKano]

@@brendamayfuller8803 no but know I may go looking for that thanks. It's a conclusion I'd reached from his writing style haha

[@BeeKisses]

Fuck that’s both poetic and prophetic

[@DeathDefiant]

We emerged from dirt and we'll throw it if we have to...

[@pinedraws]

A taste of my womb💅💅

[@spudmuffin2688]

Interplanetary pocket sand

[@davoid1792]

@@spudmuffin2688 Made me chuckle

[@theangrygermanlad1328]

WEVE GOT A BUCKET OF DIRRRTTTT

[@mikegrizz5438]

7:59 😮😢

[@Chokah]

Alien: builds a ship the size of Jupiter Humans: starts throwing moons

[@whyjnot420]

Isn't that an arc from Space Battleship Yamato? :P

[@Lord_Lasagña]

Xeno: you are technologically out-matched, outnumbered, and outgunned. How can you hope to defeat us, human? Human: *ROCK*

[@marxel4444]

In military. Rock always beats flesh.

[@randomlygeneratedname]

I only have rock but by golly you're going to fear my rock.

[@DonPatrono]

Xeno: We have plasma, laser and stuff, what could you possibly do? Humans: So basically....R E T U R N T O M O N K E

[@Anom_Anom]

Xenos:we have an armada capable of destroying every empire known in the universe what are you going to do. Humans:Rock Xenos;What the fu----- CONTACT LOST

[@wrath2501]

Human: Hey buddy. I'm an engineer. That means I solve problems. For example, how do I deter some slavering xeno from tearing me a superfluous new behind. Answer. Throw a rock. And if that doesn't work. Throw a bigger rock.

[@revampedharpy09]

and if that doesnt work, repeat until you cant find any bigger rocks to throw. if that still doesnt work, take the biggest rock you can, and throw it harder. repeat until the problem isnt a problem anymore.

[@astron800]

Until you’re throwing 200$ custom rocks at 10000 rocks per minute. Costing you 400000$ every 12 seconds.

[@donanthebarbarian5177]

If throwing a rock didn't solve or remove your problem you either didn't throw a big enough rock or you didn't throw it fast enough.

[@karlhyetravelerofworlds]

Or you didn't throw enough

[@marxel4444]

In military. Rock always beats flesh.

[@Adiscretefirm]

You should have brought the whole clan, 30 rocks at once is exponentially better than 1 rock 30 times.

[@micahscott3895]

Or your rock was to light

[@funkmastaC]

History of humanity in a nutshell. Throwing rocks and burning shit. Sometimes together.

[@biggsdarklighter0473]

But the rocks humanity burned were most often special rocks.

[@bananaman5501]

Some would even say funny rocks that did funny things.

[@nooblangpoo]

Add making water boil to the list. Our history of power generation is mostly making water boil.

[@Anom_Anom]

Alli in great quantities

[@marxel4444]

This reminds me so much of stargate with the asgard and the replicators. The Asgard have tried to stop them. You have demonstrated their weakness may be found from a less sophisticated approach. We are no longer capable of such thinking. Wait a minute. You're actually saying that you need someone dumber than you are? You may have come to the right place.

[@normiesalvador1854]

Admiral Wells: "Now, if you'll excuse me, I see some rocks I'd like to add to my collection."

[@trenttrent2786]

I'll take the ship shaped rock and the planet shaped one

[@soup4219]

remember, moons and planets are just the biggest rocks we can find to throw naturally :)

[@Overlord378.]

And stars are just hot rocks!

[@theexam7394]

Cores of a star are said to have so much pressure, that they can be naturally encased with diamond made from carbon byproducts of nuclear fusion, and diamond is a rock...

[@pilotbubba4171]

@@theexam7394UNGA BUNGA BOOM

[@ferretzim8694]

If the enemy is using what amounts to a moving planet, what you need is a planet killer. Now, planet killers can come in all shapes and sizes. But nothing is as simple yet effective as a REALLY Big Rock

[@Cosmopolantic]

*REALLY Big EXPLOSIVE Rock

[@user-sq5mr8ut1o]

Dear Ambassadors, Allow me to show the human armada's greatest weapon, the "RBR" Unfortunately by the time you're seeing this it's too late, we sent them as soon as the war started, even before you knew this day would come, regardless of our position, we never intended to let you leave. We can't stop them, you can't stop them, we highly doubt any of your so called gods could. Unfortunately they will be arriving at your cradle worlds and here in exactly two seconds. I suggest you take this time to pray.

[@allmyself666]

Aliens: "Our high tech plasma and energy based weapons have no effect against them. What could primitives possibly do?" Humanity: *return to monke intensifies*

[@johnnymellon7414]

*monke smash*

[@SoMuchFacepalm]

Aliens: "Our high tech plasma and energy based weapons have no effect against them. What could primitives possibly do?" Humanity: Let me show you the meaning of the word YEET!

[@zacharyhawley1693]

Humanity: >:D Sir Issac Newton is the deadliest son of a bitch in space

[@SoMuchFacepalm]

69th like. Just cause.

[@Cyrission]

Can we get an "Unga Bunga" train going.

[@vodamiinurl1337]

I don't care how tough your armor is, my ninety five thousand ton projectile is still gonna bulldoze it.

[@slimeinabox]

"Expanding her rock collection" made me giggle.

[@fireblast133]

makes me think of the prophecy attack from Skies Of Arcadia Legends. When in doubt, use all your spirit and thrown a ****ing moon at the enemy

[@Felix-gv1ij]

We use the pocket dirt tech...and is always effective

[@DomR1997]

Sand is lethal, the grain in my shoe at the gym last night can prove this.

[@spudmuffin2688]

[Humanity used sand attack] it was super effective

[@kdrapertrucker]

Ah yes, the Dale Gribbles stategem.

[@singletona082]

Humans to the most advanced and terrifying literal War-World in the universe: I'm gonna put dirt in your eye.

[@cantharelluscibarius2244]

Rock and stone! To the bone!

[@shadowtrickster5117]

Rock and Stone brother!!!

[@Mad_Overseer]

ROCK AND STONE!

[@serpentinious7745]

*through* the bone

[@felixmustermann790]

IF YOU DONT ROCK AND STONE, YOU AINT COMIN HOME

[@singletona082]

Did I hear a rock and stone?

[@DonPatrono]

ah yes the old adage ever since hominids started to exist: "When in doubt, YEET If it don't work, Y E E T M O R E"

[@kakapokid1796]

*sees rock Monkey brain goes brrrr

[@adrienlibert960]

Neuron activation

[@generalnawaki]

a shield to dissipate kinetic damage would only work up so such an amount. anything traveling at or near relativistic speeds would punch through a star so shielding of any kind probably wouldn't suffice.

[@DaxSudo]

Heck mathematically if u threw a rock fast enough u could mess w a black hole I think... shit I'm a physicist and engineer now I gotta go run the numbers... I'll attach a blog post when I'm done.

[@bennood2031]

@@DaxSudo ...you don't even need to run the numbers F = G(m1m2)/R2 is a well known formula that's used in high school. A very small rock, thrown by a human, will move a blackhole a rather infinitely small amount, but it will. Its why (very small) things can escape the event horizon very occasionally.

[@jakobrosenqvist4691]

And even if the shields don't fail, preservation of momentum is still a thing so the ship has to somehow absorb all that momentum.

[@generalnawaki]

@@jakobrosenqvist4691 exactly, its why we would never move away from MAC's once we have them. why adopt a new weapon when this one works in every situation.

[@maxwyght1840]

​@@DaxSudo​no, it wouldn't. At this point we've observed enough black hole mergers to know that. When non black hole bodies collide, they may ripple and shatter, throwing out material and so on. Black holes... Don't. When black holes merge, it happens instantly the moment the two touch, and instead of 2 black holes orbiting each other with their surfaces touching, you instantly have a new black hole with a mass slightly lower than the total of the 2 initial black holes. The reason the mass is lower is because that lost mass is what fuels the absolutely UNIVERSE shaking forces required to create gravitational waves. Unless by "affect" you mean "nudge slightly", in which case, yes, probably.

[@HimitsuYami]

To be fair, we do throw rocks *really* well

[@Di3Leberwurst]

This story inspired me to start my search for my own personal rock. I want my own important rock.

[@singletona082]

A nice sturdy rock. There are worse goals out there.

[@Gargoyle9000]

You know, I didn't expect Earth being literally translated would work but that last line not just matches the energy of saying Planet Earth but also feels natural. It just works.

[@Troleandocreyentes]

Violence is never the answer… is a question. The answer is yes.

[@rowbot5555]

The answer is "how much?"

[@Astavyastataa]

If throwing rocks sucked so bad the Romans wouldn’t have had slingsmen in their legions.

[@quwertzquwerty1545]

Xenos: you primitives can't do a thing!!! Humans: lets see... where did I put my scroll with the meteor shower spell on it 👁👄👁

[@rainbowflameproductions7121]

Fuck it I don’t care how big the room is, I cast fireball.

[@Zedyne]

Ah yes, monke throw rock!

[@serpentinious7745]

Monke break!

[@Cosmopolantic]

Monke make sharp rock Monke put sharp rock on stick Monke make sharper rock and put it on stick Monke put small sharp rock and put it on small stick and throw it with stick and string Monke put small rock in stick and use boom boom stone powder to throw it Monke put more small rock in stick, put it in stick and throw it

[@grogvaughan5649]

The rock came before the pointy stick.

[@DeHerg]

Yup, relativistic kill missile, the only thing that can bring more energy on target than its own R0 (apart from photons of course).

[@CosmicSalt69]

Planets? They are just big rocks! Simple.

[@Greg-l8l]

But we set it before. I've watched this or listened to the several times this needs a sequel a series. It's fantastic

[@juancarlonavarra8397]

For a moment, I thoight the entire human race were earthbenders.

[@UNSCPILOT]

In a way, yes

[@randomlygeneratedname]

No it's just history. Human throw rock

[@Staladus]

Monke throw rock

[@scarystories1800]

“They throw rocks.” Hey, if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.

[@MrJay_White]

a cup of "klef"? at least its not a cup of bright. ... maybe.

[@happy_amoeba]

I mean, i'm sure we can get another cup of joe from 294

[@DEMONOFLOVEANDDEATH]

Bless the Narrator Bless the Author

[@smaragdwolf1]

Rocks, Boulders, Mountains, Asteroids, Moons, Planets,...... it all can be described as Rocks :)

[@randomlygeneratedname]

Honestly this Is very true the entirety of human history is rock. Throw rock, make better thrown rock or make something to stop rock.

[@kroberts8866]

Mmmm a good cup of klef in the morning!

[@chrisdufresne9359]

Well, that plan rocked

[@GentlemanBystander]

>Primarch >they're Xenos [Crusades externally]

[@Troleandocreyentes]

A few aliens think they can outsmart us… maybe. We still want to meet someone that can outsmart a rock.

[@norneaernourn8240]

Maybe that's why no aliens have invaded yet. They be thinking, these apes toss rocks and chuck spears and they have an asteroid belt.

[@additiveartificer9365]

We have refine our rock throwing skill since we first hunt

[@daveturnbull7221]

This author is well worth checking out over on reddit. Really nice work on the narration NN 👍

[@spudmuffin2688]

Interplanetary pocket sand

[@jkbscopes1233]

monkey throw rock, monkey break

[@rat_king-]

Her Majesties rock collection? 5:40

[@CodexisInkwind]

Never underestimate how hard or fast we will figure out how to throw a rock

[@Maeshalanadae]

Boy, remember that we responded to call of aid when nobody else would. Don’t put us down.

[@KroMagnum4]

Monkey throw really big rocks. Really really big

[@rustycowell7264]

Special relationships with rocks makes us sound like we are mental and i have thrown a lot of rocks

[@zaBeheaded]

Don’t underestimate the power of rock and stone

[@thomasschafer5939]

"Well, it was a big rock..."

[@lancethewisp1097]

“They throw rocks?” With speed mister squidward with speed

[@איליגוטמן-צפון]

rock power for the win

[@aljoker2013]

Dirt gang

[@carlfranz6805]

Well, nobody else said it: ROCK ON!

[@ckelley1102]

Infinite pocket sand glitch

[@nicholassmile5800]

This might be my favorite story

[@virtualatheist]

This looks technical... I'll need a bigger hammer.

[@Kidozy]

I was hopping for big fuck-off railgun/Gauss gun turrets, giant astroids will do

[@klackon1]

I enjoy most of these SciFi stories, but many authors share a common issue: they have no concept of numbers. So many write of millions or billions of FTL ships, without understanding such numbers. To put it into some sort of perspective, one million seconds is the equivalent of about 11.5 days. One billion seconds about the equivalent of 31.7 years.

[@executor31]

Those are not rocks anymore. Not at 10% light speed , they are relativistic projectiles

[@ShinigamiSparda]

Nevah Enuff Rock.

[@joimumu]

So back to basics :)

[@riyanafrizal4188]

space oonga boonga

[@Cemtexify]

You can tell when a writer doesn't know much about military history when they have the enemy super weapon be a massive ship, worked out super well for the Bismark, Yamato, and Musashi. Hell aircraft carriers need to have a support group of around 20 additional ships to not fall victim to this kind of thing. Super heavy battle tanks were also not traditionally as effective as medium tanks in world war 2 and the Toyota Hilux has proven to be a more effective war machine in recent decades. Look up the Toyota war if you don't believe me, some absolute chads took on the Libyan army with some Toyota Hilux's and won.

[@ferretzim8694]

Then again, this is an alien civilization, so they probably don't have the same ideas when it comes to unit types and formations. The planet-ship did also have an "escort". It just happens that the support group was stationed *on top* of what they were meant to protect, instead of flying cover for it. Lastly, it's clear their strategy was sound...against enemies not used to hurling rocks of various sizes. If the humans hadn't been there, they would have won. Their strategy and doctrine just wasn't designed to account for humans. It's easy to point and critizise someone's decisions, and mention history. Bismark and Tirpitz were good ships, and to a degree succeeded in their purpose. Bismark was such a threat that the Royal Navy dedicated a substantial amount of resources to hunting it down. And even then, it took a lot to actually sink her. Tirpitz was a constant potential threat, despite being hidden up in the fjords. And again it took a lot to sink her.

[@generalharness8266]

I have to point out that the Bismark, Yamato and Musashi did not fight what they where designed to do. All 3 where effectively sunk or disabled though air power when they where designed to fight other capital ships in gun duels. There where 9 battles where gun capital ships engaged each other none of them involved the Yamato or the Musashi. Of those battles the Bismark was engaged in 2, One with hood (which it won) and one with King George (which it lost). I have to point out that the bismark was also not anywhere near the level of Yamato and was instead a slightly better then the comparable ships in the United kingdoms navy. In the battle where humans aimed rocks at 10% the speed of light from a asteroid belt there is so much more wrong with the battle then one supper ship (which sounds like its a converted homeworld).

[@BeeKisses]

PLANET DIRT OMG 🥺🥺

[@dr.disaster6235]

We Rock!

[@LinusTimon]

Me throw rock good:)

[@WiredTurkey316]

Yep still a good story

[@WallNutBreaker524]

Rocks strong 💪😎👌

[@TheShuckleNoob]

Monkey together: Stronger.

[@Bdady74]

Algorithm appeasement comment!

[@0NL0003]

Earth not dirt

[@VelaiciaCreator]

Getting real pissed at stupid writers who seem to believe we named the planet after the element, rather than the other way around.

[@ghosteyes2034]

Party pooper, its the alien perspective.

[@VelaiciaCreator]

@@ghosteyes2034 That would still be an inaccurate translation. We named the dirt and rocks after our planet, as they are parts of it. That would be reflected in translations. "Earth" would not translate into "dirt".

[@dalemorgan8263]

@@VelaiciaCreator his point is that the mistranslation was on the xeno's part. It is written from their perspective, and translated in real time by a device.

[@VelaiciaCreator]

@@dalemorgan8263 All the same it comes from a flawed perspective, regardless of the excuse given. This is not the first time I have seen this misconception used for "comedy".

[@dalemorgan8263]

@@VelaiciaCreator ffs, if humans don't know the difference despite it being their native language how could we expect aliens to be more knowledgeable? A translation device would require a lot more context to be able to parse the etymology *that* precisely. Get off yer high horse.

[@Sgtnolisten]

“They named it dirt” *sigh* I am so sick of that fucking “joke”

[@TheSolidSnakeOil]

If we only came up with a better name than dirt...

[@sanguiniusonvacation1803]

Yeet

[@JRRodriguez-nu7po]

Excellent story, and throwing rocks is one of the many ways that shows the basic difference between the 2 (two) human sexes=genders. Men are over tge top, and wonen are underhanded. Yup, that there's facts.

[@eg6559]

First