Best HFY Reddit Stories: Intergalactic Athletic Contest (r/HFY)

How well will we do?
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#hfy #Greentext #awesome #space #spaceorcs #/tg/ #greentexts #4chan

[@WiredTurkey316]

Race with no set distance or time sounds kind of horrifying

[@M43L57R0M]

also considering humans have very good endurance and stamina for idle running/jogging we would terrify other species.

[@dimanarinull9122]

@@M43L57R0M which is actually one of the ancient human hunting tactics. run after the fast running animals for days till they collapsed from exhaustion and were easy to kill off and eat.

[@FrenchLightningJohn]

@@dimanarinull9122 persistence predation, a very horrifying thing when you are the prey

[@machinist7230]

You think that's bad? Look up the _Badwater 135_ It's a 135 mile race through Death valley.. in July.😭 Just finishing is a major accomplishment.

[@rowbot5555]

There's a reason we don't have those kinds of races on earth, we will walk ourselves to death

[@roguecarrick816]

Can someone please ask the human to stop running so we can continue the tournament? We've been out here a week already.

[@theanathema3062]

We are two months in, and the human has resorted to crawling after it’s legs finally gave out a few days ago.

[@jakobrosenqvist4691]

I'd imagine they would eventually pick up the other athletes and just let the human keep going.

[@ADerpyReality]

Well yes if she had water so probably no more than 3 days for purely safety.

[@MN-bx5cs]

@@jakobrosenqvist4691I doubt it, it was said that in show of good sportsmanship, all athletes remain seated until the last athlete finishes. If the athletes returned now it would be heartbreaking for the human. Imagine having (what's her name) run without an audience, because they are watching another event.

[@peterhacke6317]

@@jakobrosenqvist4691 Considering human record is to run for several days, they would have to change that part of the rules for next time.

[@villikotturinn]

Next time, just to make it fair, let's send an australian potatofarmer in his sixties and make him run in wellies.

[@bartholomewlunt3347]

Also his work boots on under his wellies

[@attila535]

These aliens clearly haven't done their research on us. They'd be amazed, when someone pulls a bus with their teeth.

[@nickfulton8173]

Wait until they see an 80 year old pull a trailer with their ear

[@krisgandhi]

Or the guy who pulls a pick-up with his peepee 😂

[@tehs3raph1m]

@@nickfulton8173 wait till they see a 90 year old monk lift an anvil with his testicles

[@OK-ws7ti]

Or when I use my toungue to pull yo mama

[@boingboingresearcherph.d.2871]

Or the guy who eats 50 burgers in one seating...

[@almar8874]

Gryon's got a long wait. 6 hours is nothing: Dean Karnazes holds the record for the longest distance ever run by a human without stopping. In 2005, he ran 350 miles (563 kilometers) across Northern California in a time of 80 hours and 44 minutes. And in 2013 at the age of 47, New Zealander Kim Allan ran around the same park 332 times which took her 86 hours and 11 minutes. And this story is set in the future - for humans the idea of what rates as a "long distance race" has moving goal posts. The first organized marathon was held in Athens at the 1896 Olympics, and only Olympic level athletes could run it. Nowadays hundreds of thousands of people run in marathons, and they include soccer moms, drinking buddies and retirees. 40 years ago 5 RAF officers travelled to Greece to see if they could run 155 miles. Nowadays thousands do it. I have no problem thinking that in the future, during a Intergalactic athletic contest, a human will joke that "one of her ancestors apparently ran for five hundred kilometers in one go once" - and then go on to run 1000 km. Gryon and Frojak will be drinking a LOT of Ailurian ale.

[@phoenixbugg7199]

Those guys will be drinking until what ever passes as there liver has shriveled up and died.

[@Zantreful]

Did.... Did they poop while running?

[@almar8874]

@@Zantreful First thought: adult diapers are a thing. Second thought: Poop is that part of a meal that your body can't digest. If a runner loads up, pre-race, with food that doesn't have indigestible matter in it poop is minimized. It's called “carbo-loading” and for long races they do this for at least three days before the race.

[@alganhar1]

Dean Karnozes was also the crazy guy who ran I think it was 24 Marathons in 24 days. More seriously though, they guy is a mutant, not saying that to disparage him, simply to point it out. His body is unusually resistant to the kind of micro muscle tears that are a fact of life in long distance running, and he also has an unusually high resistance to, and ability to process lactic acid. Factor those things onto the facts that he is also a consummate professional, trains incessantly, and does all the right things to look after and maintain his body as he is running (like proper hydration), and you get a man who can literally run for every waking moment.

[@almar8874]

@@alganhar1 True, he's a mutant. But he's not the only one is he? In my comment I mentioned Kim Allan, and both of them are only the ones who popped up in a quick google. How many MORE mutants are out there who can only run 400km? Hundreds? How many thousands can only run 300? How many tens of thousands could run a measly 200 if they put their mind to it. Remember what I said about "the idea of what rates as a long distance race being a moving goal post." Those 5 RAF officers travelled to Greece to see if they could run 155 miles because they read the full story of the first marathon runner: The traditional story relates that Pheidippides (530-490 BC), an Athenian hemerodrome (translated as "day-runner", "courier", "professional-running courier" or "day-long runner"), was sent to Sparta to request help when the Persians landed at Marathon. He ran about 240 km in two days, and then ran back. He then ran the 40 km to the battlefield near Marathon and back to Athens to announce the Greek victory with the word nikomen ("We win!") and then collapsed and died. A 40 year old man ran 240 km in one go, and they didn't have the sports science we have now. How many really great runners could we round up in a future than has space colonies, FTL, and wide spread genetic testing?

[@timeshark8727]

Lol, gonna be a while. Human distance runs are measured in days, then kilometers. There are only 2 things that humans are the absolute best at... distance running, and throwing things. Humans beat out all other animals on earth on just those 2 things. Sure, we are great thinkers, very good at talking, strong jumpers, passible climbers, surprisingly competent swimmers and have excellent skills for manipulating things with our hands... but those aren't the things we really beat everything at. The combination of thinking, communicating and manipulation of objects is what has led us to technology and allowed us to dominate our world... but its running and throwing that gave us our start.

[@taitano12]

And continue to be our strengths. My health problems prevent me from running, like at all. But I can still out last that first alien, shuffling along sometimes jogging, mostly walking for a day or two. It would have taken me a good ten hours or so to reach that 43KM, but I could probably keep going for at least another two to five hours if not another ten. At 10 meters, I could easily hit a quarter meter target. Most Little League pitchers could go to 20; I bet Howard could nail that target at 40 or 50 meters.

[@gildedbear5355]

Our vision is pretty good too. We're not the best at any one aspect of vision (except for trajectory prediction for the throwing 8). We lack the acuity of the raptors, the color reception of insects, snakes, or mantis shrimp, or the field of vision of ungulates. However, we're decent at ALL of the aspects and it puts us in the enviable place of being able to see through many of the camouflage techniques that other animals use. We can (nominally) see both close in and long distance. We see about a million colors. And we have object permanence so we can keep locked onto the target even if it stops moving and blends into the background. Thinking about it, our good vision ties into the throwing and running. We see good so we can throw accurately and know where we're running. 8)

[@singletona082]

'Humans can't win in endurance.' *snort* Sure. Alright pal. And i've got a bridge in new york for sale.

[@2ndbrain909]

I get this reference. 👍👏

[@loganshaw4527]

'Humans can't win in throwing' Lolrofl 😂 We win wars with nothing but throwing. We throw for sport and for food. Alot of us see how well we can throw at long distance and accuracy.

[@kingmasterlord]

these two events are things that we're specifically and primarily evolved for. throw at prey and chase it until it falls

[@Hammer1987]

"How are you going to run with those small legs?" Seriously? Small legs? 50% of the human body is legs. One glance at a human will tell any intelligent being that we are evolved to run. A lot! Granted this is distance running and not sprinting. I think a certain large cat species has that market cornered. But pure endurance? That's us, humans. We're number one. There is not a living thing on this planet that a reasonably fit human can't run into the ground.

[@mrkakbuhn5781]

Thats a bit of a misconception. Humans can run a lot, but horses are number 1. There is a regularly held endurance race, where the theme is man vs horse. So far, only once did a human win the contest. Though it is close, horses do outrun humans.

[@jakobrosenqvist4691]

Huskies has us beat too. And ostriches.

[@nocount7517]

Cheetahs are actually not considered to be large cats, due to their hyoid bone.

[@barstool9156]

@@nocount7517 and the fact that they do not roar. Large cats roar, it chirps.

[@ThePrimalDen]

Cheetahs got the L on everything but bird calls, even their sprinting excellence can kill them.

[@jakevex4198]

That guy's been waiting for 12 fucking hours I feel so sorry for him

[@loganshaw4527]

They are going to have to order food and water at 24hours.

[@boingboingresearcherph.d.2871]

"tune in next week to see if Julie the human has stopped running."

[@Arvyn992]

I'm kind of hoping that the other competitors were given food and water as they wait for the Human to leave

[@chenlee9835]

I wish there was a part 2 for this story.

[@waggishmail2745]

World record longest continuous run: 350 miles, 80 hours, 44 minutes Distance between pitchers mound and batter is around 18.4 meters

[@marxel4444]

HUMANS! STOP! THEY ARE ALREADY BEAT! Humans: WE CAN KEEP GOING!

[@loganshaw4527]

Human trying to beat them self. They are not stopping until they drop.

[@bursucu2912]

Who would win in a race and ball throwing contest, some weird quadruped and space octopus or a species specifically evolved for persistence hunting, throwing rocks at each other and be very flexible and accurate in muscle movement

[@jakobrosenqvist4691]

I have always said that our ability to yhrow both hard and acuratley is really what makes us the most dangerous animal on the planet even with very basic weapons like sticks and stones. A good sized rock raised above your head would be enough to kill a bear with a bit of luck, wich would be a matchup we resonably should have no buisness ever winning considering our size and built in weponry.

[@tamiru-bliz]

​@@jakobrosenqvist4691 in fact kill a Bear is very easy If you have the right strenght and a good rock. Obviusly It would need more than one rock to kill a Bear but It would be easy.

[@Alamandorious]

Rumour has it that she’s still running to this day…

[@MsDogleaf]

Yeah that’s good

[@month32]

"Those humans will never be able to throw that ball accurately!" At this point, it became personal with me.

[@phantomwraith1984]

On that day, they learned that humans are the best at distance running because we got a bitchin radiator

[@peterwall8191]

Re-upload. Not that i mind. it made me chuckle. You see athletic competitions, were ritual combat. Men competed to show their combat prowess. Running, both sprint and long distance was essential, as was our fave pastime; throwing rocks! Not nice round balls, but irregular shaped boulders. A common combat trick, favoured by really big men. You cannot have such competitions, without having wars first.

[@zupaschnitzel3300]

Ohh, so that's why it was so familiar

[@Chokah]

And great big logs were also thrown.

[@_tertle3892]

This has “the human race vibes” but if the athlete showed up on time

[@veronicawexel1291]

Endurance distance running and targeted distance throwing sticks. Yeah, no, nobody's beating humans at this game. Everything else? yeah, we'd probably be the first to lose, but this shit? That cat creature will die of starvation or old age before Julie stops running. RIP.

[@loganshaw4527]

Quick send food and water it is going to be days.

[@g00b3rguts3]

Bet we lose in the water based categories

[@2ndbrain909]

Most likely, at least in unassisted competitions. We wouldn’t even be able to compete in air sports unassisted.

[@Bacchasnail]

"Legend says that she's still running to this very day"

[@ramirezthesilvite]

The target starts at only one meter away? "Hey, did any of you even look at our sports? We do shit harder than this in our backyards for fun." Oh and if the race is meant to be an endurance race, why are any of them expending all their energy right out of the gate? I get that not every species is built for endurance or distance running, so maybe going full speed is the best way to max your distance for your species, but it couldn't hurt to pace yourselves, could it?

[@allenmorgan1007]

For the Algorithm, For the Author(s), For the Disembodied Voice!

[@PolymurExcel]

If anyone is curious, the distance from the pitcher to home plate in baseball is roughly 60 ft (18 m). The second guy, Howard, he wasn’t even close to where he could best perform. Bro, we didn’t even reach endurance swimming or batting balls.

[@firedirewolf]

They are going to have different courses for each trial and probably some contests split between speed and distance, accuracy and power

[@AllHailSp00nRiver]

Julie's legs are going to be jelly when she is done.

[@ouberfox5898]

I want a part 2

[@zupaschnitzel3300]

nice, human sport Excellence

[@nocount7517]

A 50cm target at just 5m? That's... kinda sad.

[@timeshark8727]

well, for a human it is.... but there are maybe 5 other species on earth that could reliably make that throw. Virtually all of them primates.

[@Hammer1987]

@@timeshark8727 No, it is just sad. If the alien is able to lift the ball of the ground then simply swinging their appendage back and forth like a pendulum would let them easily get five meters. Probably longer since there are species larger than humans there, some of which probably have longer appendages which should allow for even greater distances. 5 meters is pathetic for any creature of comparable size to a human.

[@timeshark8727]

@@Hammer1987 its not a matter of distance, its accuracy. Lots of animals can swing their appendages around, few can aim anything properly with the resulting throw. Elephants, for example, can throw things with impressive force... but can't aim for shit. They just whip things around. _"5 meters is pathetic for any creature of comparable size to a human."_ - *Really? There are many creatures on earth human size or larger. Can you name any, other than primates, that can throw that distance with any accuracy?*

[@boingboingresearcherph.d.2871]

@@Hammer1987 but you have to remember, a freaking "space octopi" is the record holder... I bet it's safe to assume that in the species in this galactic conglomerate of theirs are mostly jelly... Accuracy can also be hard if you have squishy arms...

[@Hammer1987]

@@boingboingresearcherph.d.2871 Then how did they develop the technologies necessary to become a space faring civilization? If they are that weak and clumsy there is no way they would be able to operate in space, one of the most hostile environments known to man.

[@petre1758]

I wonder if there are rules in place to prevent you from just walking though

[@56th.]

Disqualification

[@SergeyWaytov]

Wish that glorious old thingo had part two!)

[@reners212]

6:24- I died at the tweeeeeeeet in a monotone voice 😂😂😂

[@peekakuchu6878]

There was a show called Eco Challenge, it was a race that involved cycling, running, rafting (Not sure if it was a canoe or kayak etc but they went as a team paddling) over various terrains, the race distance was 480km plus so it was done over a few days... Teams were made up of varying ages and occupations, you might get a farmer, a window cleaner etc in your team (so maybe there was a potato farmer amongst them lol) There was a lot of strategy involved for the top teams, and it was quite fun to watch the snippets we got to see, the drama of teams who had a member injured needing rescuing in remote parts of the race, weather coming through creating opportunities for other teams it was quite exciting how it was shown. One year a team of navy seals joined I wont spoil it if anyone wanted to check it out😅. If aliens were invited to participate what would they think😊🎉

[@bobmaxjohn1306]

Cardio

[@xvx_k1r1t0_xvxkillme2]

Rule one

[@brianlips8346]

Thanks for the story 🙂☺️

[@Clone6385]

That’s gonna be a couple kegs or maybe even barrels of ale

[@nathanielhill8156]

Imagine if the running was a team event. It could literally go forever.

[@dawshonaragma8263]

That first story. 42 kms in 6 hours? Sone of our best have done it in less than 2. We were persistance hunters after all

[@jamesha175]

LOL the narrator's starting sound, "TWEEEET."

[@kaidearc8159]

That monotone tweet is funny to me

[@seanrobert9661]

[documented contact]

[@seanrobert9661]

presence hunters ,ssshhh

[@anathardayaldar]

What's next? T-ball and waterwing paddling?

[@slimeinabox]

43 THOUSAND meters? thats over 14O thousand feet. Which is roughly 50 miles. wow.

[@loganshaw4527]

Those poor aliens challenge humans to Athletics. The one species that made the greatest sports.

[@caelestigladii]

I wonder how much the aliens drunk.

[@WhiteGekon]

this need ist own serie :D

[@paulgreen2416]

These Xenos have obviously never heard the story of the Tortoise and the Hare 😄

[@nweasels]

Oh, I thought this one was a different one. Thought it was the one we drunkenly narrated in discord.

[@josephcroeniangamer3727]

kind of fucked that the two first events were the ones we could do better XD

[@56th.]

we literally evolved to be long distance runners and pros at throwing , shit ain't even fair

[@vaulthunterfromterra4053]

No Felinids? Y’all are missing out. They’re just as athletic as we are. But more elegance less bulk, given that they are basically cat people.

[@klappstock943]

For the Algorithm the story and the voice 🎉

[@chialeux514]

Ghru from Jeknal ( aka the cheater ) should try figure skating. All he would need to do is pull a Tonya Harding.

[@evilmurlock]

WIll this be a searies?

[@tylerbremer6696]

For the algorithm!

[@BeanOfBean]

Actually early this time

[@asandrewsilvaw]

For the algorithm

[@alexanderjosefsson4729]

They will drink aloot

[@christianbuczko1481]

6hrs 15mins to do 43km?? Thats slow, 2hrs would be a decent time for that..

[@scullcrusher3981]

Hi

[@elliottpilton8577]

Hi

[@theanathema3062]

Hi

[@Bdady74]

Algorithm appeasement comment!

[@XBloodyBaneX]

This might seem a bit sexist, but they should have sent a man. This is an intergalactic athletics contest, you send the Best of the Best, the absolute Pinnacle of human ability. In the ultramarathon, which is 3,100 miles long, the current and last world record holders were men, with the current world record at 40 days 9 hours, and the last one at 41 days 8 hours. Meanwhile, the best ladies' record in the ultramarathon is 48 days 14 hours. Sure, they achieved the same distance, but the two world record holders were men that beat her by upwards of a week. And just to relate to the setting of the story, the longest distance run by a man without stopping was 350 miles in 86 hours, and the longest distance for a woman was 310 in 86 hours.

[@Amoth_oth_ras_shash]

mhe..maby the future the last couple records be female ones ...after all ,take the best ;) humanity dont have a full century of 'square' records to compare yet anyway so could be either gender in the future ,specially if starting to have basic gen moding smooth out any hidden gen defects ;)

[@Shythalia]

What if Julie has longer legs than an average woman? 🤔

[@Jet-ij9zc]

@@Amoth_oth_ras_shash 1st its safe to assume that Gene modding, cybernetics, etc.. would be prohibited, the same way we prohibit steroids rn. 2nd, unless this story is set hundreds of thousands of years in the future, there is exactly zero way the biological differences between men and women would dissappear. 2 million years of evolution doesn't just vanish like that. (And no gene moving wouldn't solve that issue because men would also have access to that)

[@Jet-ij9zc]

@@Shythalia that would "solve" one of the numerous reasons. But then again, what if they picked a guy with longer legs then the average men?

[@Amoth_oth_ras_shash]

@@Jet-ij9zc yes ,but ensuring no one have sneaky defects such as hmm..cant recall the name but for example some shit that due to a faulty single gen fragment your blood cant carry as much oxygen like everyone else of your species... so , lees steriods and just ensuring theres no broken gens for all. heh.. not sure if gen moding wouldet solve it.. seen the amount of male body builders that got borderline bobs from or how female ones sort of start look the same as ther male counterparts unless you stare at ther chest.. while genders have some different hardware ,the basic template is the same so if your free to fk enough with the 'settings' ..both genders going end up more or lees the same just with a difference in where on ther body they have a pound of extra flesh ;) but true , this competition seems to be the standard of ''no body enhancing'' so safe to say injeting yourself with growth hormones model deluxe be cheating ...but ensuring you can push your naturally evolved physice to its limit ? sounds like that have a thumb up.

[@JeffMario-wq3rd]

Women☕️

[@JRRodriguez-nu7po]

The best human female runners, short or long, barely match male college. The denial of sexual dimorphism denies science, common sense and disrupts immersion.

[@willgallatin2802]

Sadly this is a reupload. Been seeing quite a few of these lately.