Best HFY Reddit Stories: Please, Don't Drag Humans Into This Conflict

[@captainhuntank7963]

Alien: *starting a war* Alien Diplomats: *trying desperatly to keep Humanity out of it* Humanity: oh by all means, try us we dare you

[@Sabtf2]

Good one

[@kamrynsikes]

*Paint it Black by The Rollingstones slowly beings to fade in*

[@ahkrandedkongrah327]

*cue meme of human shaking gate screaming to let him in*

[@Denpachii]

@@ahkrandedkongrah327 Heeere's Johnny! - The Shining.

[@ravenouself4181]

Aliens: *stop the war* Humans: *look of absolute disgust*

[@Yaivenov]

A human voice in the back of the audience speaks up, "a small correction. Arsenals, plural."

[@mattbrown5511]

Plethora comes to mind as the appropriate adjective.

[@Yaivenov]

@@mattbrown5511 A myriad of arsenal.

[@demoknight4561]

One might even say we have a stockpile of various different arsenals@@Yaivenov

[@Yaivenov]

@@demoknight4561 So many stockpiles of arsenals. Arsenals and stockpiles for days.

[@blinkenlights]

Arsenals of arsenals, if you're so inclined

[@alphawhitefox9799]

"by the gods, don't give them a reason to use the Geneva checklist."

[@jimmypetrock]

Rheh

[@denisdrozdoff2926]

Geneva Suggestions.

[@carlchapman4053]

Geneva Bucket List Humans - We always wanted to try this...

[@lupaswolfshead9971]

I thought that was a joke about the Canadians and the Geneva convention. Then i went down the rabbit hole. FFS half the damned warcrimes listed under the convention where first commited by the Canadians. WW1 threw tinned food over to the Germans Germans thanked them. Next time tins of food thrown over .That where frikken grenades.

[@the_cursor]

[crawling out of the wreckage of their smoldering capital ship]: "Did you have to destroy our entire fleet? What of the rules of your Geneva Convention?" [humans]: "The Convention is more what you'd call 'guidelines' than actual rules."

[@rex8255]

The Geneva Convention: Written by REMFs who will never aee combat, amd neither will their children.

[@mattbrown5511]

The first time it happens, it isn't a war crime.

[@Callsign_Ninetales2065]

"Geneva is on Earth. You were fools to fight us elsewhere." -me in a Stellaris game

[@Edmar_Thorn]

Human1: The Geneva Convention? more like the Geneva Suggestion. Human2: It's less of guidelines and more of a check list...

[@atashgallagher5139]

I prefer the term "Geneva _suggestions_ " personally

[@PanduPoluan]

Don't give a reason for humans to convert the Geneva Convention into the Geneva Checklist.

[@FrenchLightningJohn]

is it not already a suggestion ;)

[@carlchapman4053]

Alien Ambassador - Admiral, your 'Geneva Convention' strictly forbids attempting to create a Solar Cascade because it would destroy all life within the entire system! Admiral - Correct Ambassador but this will not be an attempt, it will be a Success!

[@KinshinReaper]

"You must be a magician because with one simple trick, you changed this Geneva Convention into a Geneva Checklist!"

[@arandomsystemglitch2398]

Found a story that had that happened yeah they learned the reason real fast why the "diplomatic" people wanted to agree upon rules for the war

[@connortobin3775]

-One Canadian Checklist later- "What happened to the Geneva Convention your people boast about?" "I don't see your people listed as a signatory, eh?"

[@Servo_M]

O Canada🎵

[@ireallyreallyhategoogle]

Didn't know you'd signed it. My bad.

[@vexile1239]

Isn't there a provision where the convention applies to non-signatory nations as long as they obey the convention as to prevent signatory nations from going full war crime on the non-signatory nation?

[@falconcorban4128]

Wot the Canadians B hidin up thar? XD.

[@tristanridley1601]

This is exactly it. If you haven't agreed to the rules... well then you haven't agreed to the rules. If there is a provision for non-signatory nations, that sounds exactly like that unclear line the professor here was worried about. You sign and then break a rule? There's some sort of consequence. You don't sign and break one rule? All rules suspended as we see fit.

[@Mustangofold]

The Canadians are bored and have some new ideas they want to try out. PLEASE, do not give them an excuse to add a new Chapter to that document.

[@clothokaftan]

its not a document anymore by that point, its a 300,000 page long grimoire, so large that it needs 2 fully grown men to flip the pages, and an entire entourage and a royal palanquin just to move it.

[@cordellpatrick9517]

​@clothokaftan and that's just the first book. There's three more of similar size to help with edge cases, blank pages to add new stuff, and then there's the Canada book

[@sethsilverwood3671]

@@cordellpatrick9517 Galactic wide best sellers. Every planets have their own copies.

[@widdershins5383]

What can we say, winter gives us plenty of time to think of fun new things 🤷🏼‍♂️

[@grogvaughan5649]

@Mustabgogold I'm sorry, but did you mention the "checklist"? I put down my Tim Hortons and you have my Full Attention now.

[@timothyreaper8932]

"I would never kill somebody. Unless they piss me off." - _Eric Cartman_

[@meridias561]

(some mistake happened that humans responded to with a bloodbath that everybody else is absolutely terrified of) Humans: Don't make us angry. You wouldn't like us when we're angry. Aliens: (referring to the fight) Aren't you angry already? Humans: What, that? Nah, that was the warning.

[@zambekiller]

Good men do not have rules now is not the time to find out why humanity has so many

[@widdershins5383]

Good men have plenty of rules, it’s only savages and animals that only believe in minimalist rules. Sentience KNOWS it can be vile and abhorrent and creates rules to try and prevent that degradation into animalistic simplicity.

[@anonymousgeorge8317]

Tell that to Colonel runaway.

[@Sinvare]

@@widdershins5383 The lack of punctuation in the original post hid the intended meaning (I think). It should be split into 2, 1 sentence paragraphs. It is sort of a call and answer. Good men do not have rules. Now is not the time to find out why Humanity has so many. The implication is a good person has 0 rules, but humanity has countless. If 0 rules is good, how evil is countless rules...

[@Sinvare]

Awesome statement, made a comment to another about about how punctuation might help convey the meaning I think you were going for. It is repeated below so you don't have to scroll for it "The lack of punctuation in the original post hid the intended meaning (I think). It should be split into 2, 1 sentence paragraphs. It is sort of a call and answer. Good men do not have rules. Now is not the time to find out why Humanity has so many. The implication is a good person has 0 rules, but humanity has countless. If 0 rules is good, how evil is countless rules..."

[@widdershins5383]

@@Sinvare and this is why grammar is so damn important lol everyone shits on grammar police until they’re mistaken for something and need to correct something

[@JohnnyL11]

I can see aliens bringing Gary the human to the frontlines and just walk him infront of a huge army while the other side panics, WHAT DO WE DO?!

[@TheSchultinator]

The humans might take offense to one being taken/tricked/coerced into a warzone to be a meatshield. If a human is there, he should be there to participate, damn it!

[@ireallyreallyhategoogle]

You welcome Gary, offer him a chair and some refreshment, making sure to record anything Gary's "allies" might try to do to make it seem like you mistreated Gary. If you can prove to humans that their "allies" betrayed them, then you've got them on your side.

[@melsihoxha4669]

Humans: hey guys can someone challenge us to war or maybe makers angry so we can start a war we have so much weapon we need to try out we really need the target practic Aliens: no thank you I like living

[@melsihoxha4669]

Well if everyone likes it so much let's continue Humans: come on we just want to try out a few new weapons we promise we will not make THAT much destruction Aliens: it's honestly amazing how you guys can lie with a straight face Aliens thoughts:* we found out the hard way*

[@KinshinReaper]

I mean, the Geneva convention isn't really a checklist, it's just a "what we are willing to admit we have done and are potentially willing to do again" lol

[@ireallyreallyhategoogle]

What we try very hard not to do again. It's like a new year resolution.

[@Have_some_plasma]

*potentially willing to do again if you do the FA of the FAFO enough.

[@mattbrown5511]

That is one very wise instructor. The cadets would be even wiser to head those words.

[@garysuarez9614]

Or as we call it, "The Geneva Bingo Card." Get enough in the right pattern and you win!

[@drewgilbertson]

Introducing the new Planet Popper Mining Laser. The hot new "civilian" industrial tool built by the Terran Military.

[@karenbaldwin2867]

I would like to order three can I get free shipping?

[@loki3618]

@@karenbaldwin2867as long as you are in the milky way.

[@jeremybumgarner1908]

Warning: Do not use while under the influence of alcohol or drugs. Do not use under any circumstance if 5 sheets to the wind or fubbbbared.

[@nadjasunflower1387]

well...i mean going off the description...it's not lying. Those planet chunks could be mined....after, the whole you know...planet popping part. 😁

[@internetzenmaster8952]

From the minds of Boeing, Lockheed Martin and General Electric...

[@yveslafrance2806]

Narrator: “You can put down your pens and crayons” Me: Crayons? So this is a class of marines. We all know the crayons are red

[@Jedidiah_Martin_2]

On Earth they'd all be green 🤣

[@zambekiller]

Mine was blue

[@deborahloveless429]

I liked the purple ones

[@AccountLastname-yx9hh]

@@deborahloveless429grape flavored :)

[@Calix_Beowolf]

​@@deborahloveless429and the blue ones were too tart yeah I know. (if you know you know)

[@Hanz19457]

"Dont fuck with out boats."

[@sylent_viper]

I love how far the fat electrician has spread

[@norokodven4768]

Boats, land boats, space boats, don't mess with our boats

[@katherinkeegan8601]

My family love his videos. We have learned so much from him. Especially that it isn't a war crime the first time and, whatever you do DON'T MESS WITH THE BOATS.

[@ilovejettrooper5922]

@@katherinkeegan8601 It's also a good idea to do whatever you can to not raise gas prices ;)

[@MesaperProductions]

And for God's sack DO NOT KILL THE DOG!

[@kalzhae]

I don't remember which HFY story it was that a read a while back. But basically it was saying that when going to war against humanity, the Geneva convention was to be considered a checklist of how pissed the human where at you. The more they break it, the more you fucked up.

[@Darkinu2]

Sounds familiar.. Might've just been called "Geneva Checklist "

[@ireallyreallyhategoogle]

I listened to one where the Galactic council was trying to put humanity on trial for breaking their own laws, but turns out no member species had bothered signing the convention, saying it was common sense and didn't need to be put into law, then one specie attacked humans and broke most of the conventions, so humanity retaliated with total war.

[@craftysmithkeith3653]

was expecting the shadow student in the back to be a human that snuck in

[@karenbaldwin2867]

Could you imagine after terrifying all these students they turn around and see a human waving at them from the back of the room the screams would be heard from across the station😂😂

[@Servo_M]

@@karenbaldwin2867 Human: Hello there! Everyone backing into their seats: AHHHhhhhhh!!!

[@carlchapman4053]

Aliens - Why are Humans always the first to suggest Peaceful Trade and Diplomatic Solutions? Humans - Because we have committed truly horrific, evil and unforgivable acts in our past. Aliens - So these evil actions haunt your species? Humans - No, that is our nature but we are trying to avoid committing even worse horrific, evil and unforgivable acts in the future!

[@Jedidiah_Martin_2]

Yeah, that, and trade/co-operation is usually much more profitable for both sides 😂

[@NSAsterus949]

Can't be a crime against humanity if it wasn't *against* humanity!

[@JOEY-xj4ds]

If you’re using mining drones from Wish and are made about loosing them, that’s on you 😆

[@number3766]

Marines: DID YOU SAY CRAYONS!

[@armycowboy4313]

Human intel officer's listening to the lectures: damn another alien race going to play nice at all costs. Human Generals: yeah seems like the pickings for a good fight are getting slim lately. The Marines are getting board and we are running out of scenarios for them to train for. Human scientists: have you already done the medieval scenarios. Human Generals: yeah they had way too much fun with that one. Marines using broadswords, axes and spears just butchered the targets. Pretty sure they made the scariest goriest horror movies look like kid shows. Human politics: so do we need to step in and start a war. Human Generals. 🤔

[@cordellpatrick9517]

Human Researcher: I have a senerio we could possibly use. Human General: Well, what is it? We need something to stop them from just going and causing problems. HR: A hold out senerio from an old game. The marines will be the last troops on a falling planet, with us slowly losing space control. The enemy will have portals directly from their troop ships, so they seem never-ending. HG: Well we can try it. What's the worst that can happen? They start invading enemy ship and ramming them into enemy vessels?

[@WE_DONT_LIE]

​@@cordellpatrick951710 minutes in OH GOD THE DEVILS ARE BORDING

[@Saviliana]

@@WE_DONT_LIE Except that it was the chaos who are screaming that.

[@vanhasydan4754]

Accurate

[@FallenKnightXIII]

Dream motivation: Human Intel Officer: Sir, we found an oil rich planet. Being controlled by a Slaver Empire that has many different races as slaves. From our intelligence, all of the slaves are female humanoids as all males were killed. Also your dog was killed by them in transit. Human General: *Foaming at the mouth opens up Geneva Convention tab and hits the 'off' button* Send in... the Canadians.

[@tickticktickBOOOOM]

Don't start none, won't be none.

[@davidmitchell5339]

just had a thought and realized from the Art of War, do not correct your enemies (even, if they are not your enemies) mistakes..... humanity, while the nice guys, would use a document that restricts human nations (now planets and systems) military violence as the carrot and the stick to outsiders, but if ET isn't a signatory, well I am not correcting them. 😏

[@mattbrown5511]

Even if they are signatories, how many times has it already been bent into a pretzel here on Earth.

[@davidmitchell5339]

@@mattbrown5511 🤔 because we have leaders who like to bend the rules in a game oneupmanship and use them as adjustable guidelines and we have lawyers that are savvy enough to make major issues, just a minor bump in the road. 😏

[@Jedidiah_Martin_2]

No need to correct, especially if they're the type to phuq around. They'll find out.

[@davidmitchell5339]

@@Jedidiah_Martin_2 exactly, let them find out on their own

[@Mechdemon23]

There was another HFY story about that where they tried to get the aliens to sign the GC and they refused. Lets just say they regretted that decision.

[@scaieblade2586]

i love the fact that wish exists internationally even when we reach the space era

[@geoshark12]

I mean it sounds like we are more likely to help them especially since they were attacked unprovoked

[@redsharpy8594]

"unprovoked" is just the word the politicians said to start this war it's far from the truth. Best to keep humans out of this just in case they find us to be the offenders

[@taitano12]

True, but they don't know that. And, if we're honest with ourselves, since they're fighting our allies, an effort to help could go very wrong very fast. Neutrality is difficult; especially in a situation like this. A misinterpreted relief effort or a botched rescue could leave us in a five way war - our allies, these guys, and three factions of humans... Humanity's main government, some rebellion based on "the incident", and a random group of scientists, pirates and, random weirdos using it as an excuse to play with the new toys. 😈(§={

[@tristanridley1601]

It was implied that the attack might have been provoked.

[@maxxus0923]

Geneva convention until it becomes Geneva Bingo Card

[@Di3Leberwurst]

I think extending the geniva convention to include other races would probably be one of the first things we would do. For the simple reason that we know what can happen in a war. The geniva convention is shield for both sides. We would want our people to be treated according to the geniva convention so we would treat them the same. If only to have a tool for negotiation (can even help in negotiations with a third party).

[@Lollocide]

The convention only really works if both sides are roughly equal. If you're in an unequal war on the smaller, losing side when the larger side is committed to wiping your leadership out then you literally have zero reason to follow it.

[@ErekLich]

I remember one of these stories where the human ambassador realized that the aliens had no Geneva Convention, or anything similar, and that the aliens had in fact declared "total war". The tenor of the conflict quickly changed. The story was from the perspective of a third party diplomat, desperately trying to convince the GC to create such a treaty.

[@Fairfang]

@@ErekLich was just about to suggest that exact story. It is called "Those Who Run" and is a very great read/listen. Highly suggest it!

[@halogeek6]

we dont even follow the geneva conections. lets not put the standards on an alien race as we will then have even bigger problems when we detonate a nuke on a pirate ship. nukes are illigal to own and use under the geneva conventions. no military on the planet actually follows it. america is the only one that makes a show of following it and thats whats leading tp the downfall of american military supremacy. by the time we even get to that stars the geneva convention will be seen the same way as the UN. a farce we all pretend means something so brainwashed civilians can feel good about eating there propaganda.

[@seanm7349]

It's not a war crime the first time.

[@Talon1124]

Anyone else think the shadowed figure in the back was a human infiltrator?

[@calanon534]

Me.

[@astronomybrainiac]

"Never push the pink skins to the thin ice."

[@meanderthelost6029]

Treat everyone how you yourself would want to be treated in their position and they should all do just fine. Basically just follow that revised Geneva convention when dealing with their allies even tho it’s not part of your own law and you lot should be fine. Also finally a bit of foresight from the xenos is quite refreshing.

[@asonofdorn8442]

How very compelling, however, O I L

[@Gfish17]

I love the Geneva checklist.

[@mac-gyver1152]

Oh its been tested. Thats why it got added to the Geneva.

[@MeepChangeling]

Not quite true. Plenty of stuff was banned by international treaty without being used. Like the nuclear powered drones that could circumnavigate the globe and drop 9 city killing nukes.

[@tristanridley1601]

Every rule is written in blood. Some were written in a lot of blood.

[@KaptenN]

You don't actually have to sign the Geneva convention to be protected by it. For example, the idea that terrorists are fair game for war crimes is a misconception. The Geneva convention is not "We sign this document so that our soldiers are safe from other signatories". The Geneva convention is "By signing this document we pledge to follow these rules in war". There's no part that says "...as long as the enemy also signed it".

[@Comicsluvr]

It's never a war crime the first time.

[@tristanridley1601]

The Canadian secret motto!

[@Tonster_AKS]

It's never a warcime the first time. Or if there's evidence...

[@alexc4300]

More like if there’s no evidence?

[@Tonster_AKS]

@@alexc4300 Exactly.

[@bulletbates]

Geneva convention to Geneva suggestions

[@megan00b8]

Ah ya know, sometimes the geneva convention becomes the geneva checklist.

[@blueeyeswhitedragon9839]

Well done!

[@VestedUTuber]

Aliens, upon making first contact with humans: "Why are you meeting us with massed military? We come in peace!" Humans: "We know that. It's just that we have a bit of a saying here on Earth. 'If you want peace, prepare for war.'"

[@markpukey8]

I imagine that is universal. But if it's not... can you imagine the shocked ET's when some truly peaceful Admiral backed by 500 warships pulls that line on him?

[@tremor230]

​@markpukey8 Would be funnnier if it becomes a source of envy 😂 "The human peace emissary has his own personal star destroyer, why I don't have one?" Xzy-Ehn asked, whining.

[@VestedUTuber]

@@tremor230 I'll see your ISD and raise you a Gloriana. :P

[@tremor230]

@@VestedUTuber dææmn!

[@amberpelton5679]

Great narration ❤

[@glenmaddock1819]

Got to love the Geneva checklist

[@iKnownot999]

The scariest thing about this story is that Wish is now galaxy wide

[@exuletempus]

"Follow our Rules of War, Or we won't"

[@mouserr]

stuff goes here

[@McKavian]

When the Geneva Convention becomes the Geneva Checklist.

[@meanderthelost6029]

Thanks for the story.

[@kathleenhensley5951]

Yep, that's us. If you haven't signed the document you have nothing.

[@rustycowell7264]

Well i do have this PU36 explosive space modulator i want to try out!!

[@kitemaywilder1792]

fiinally a school that teaches things that are useful o.o

[@purpledevilr7463]

It’s a tad quieter of a story but optimises HFY in a way. They’re busy with their own possible war and death, yet they warn of a completely uninvolved species.

[@zackjohnson9928]

Give me a reason.any reason. Hell it dont have to make sense-roycephus pulcipher

[@Xerathiel]

Bro is shit talking about shadows, but his own government is purposefully starting a war. 😂

[@mulengroak4687]

To paraphrase Q "DON'T PROVOKE THE HUMANS "

[@Richard-likes-traveling]

Knowing HFY the line is usually kids, or cats and dogs 😈

[@norneaernourn8240]

Well that's one way to go. The other is to keep your fossil fuel reserves a secret.

[@martatrawinski6253]

Not a war crime the first time

[@frostedfur]

Most of my DnD ideas are basically war crimes. But they work....

[@lenardstarks5891]

Humans to other species are a combination of Russias man power Chinas industrial strength Americas military prowess and Canadas calm exterior and war crime committing heart

[@markpukey8]

Yeah, you just KNOW those flappy headed Canadians LUST for war crimes in the depths of their cold, cold hearts.

[@leonardnorling3769]

New meat to grind for the cogs of war.

[@Dedsec-m9r]

Geneva suggestions baby

[@sleeping2696]

The voice in your head grew up with you

[@tristanridley1601]

I suspect that pragmatic aliens like these would immediately sign on to the Geneva Conventions. It's not about species. It's about whether you yourself have agreed to these rules. If we meet real aliens, we immediately need to exchange "Geneva Conventions" and compare and do some sort of signing on, one sided or mutual.

[@timobrien2813]

So very true. Thank you. UKUK

[@daijones5558]

Are these written by AI I just find it funny that you can get a mining drone..... from wish.

[@TheGrimlx3]

lol...."or even an insignificant mining drone from "wish"".........the real motive....they want cheap shiny things ;)

[@jakevex4198]

Actually really easy not to piss off Humanity don't touch our kids don't touch our animals don't touch our boats and don't be an asshole or a bully it's really not that hard which has drones

[@Headloser]

How can a ship SANK in space??

[@lifesecho4456]

Caught in the gravity well?

[@jimmypetrock]

😊 why not?

[@alganhar1]

Erm, you have done this one before....

[@anti-jhoncoalition5420]

not first

[@The_redcoats]

Wish still existed?

[@kdmbigpig]

Also not first

[@SirWhiteRabbit-gr5so]

USS FAFO.

[@redeye3869]

First

[@stephenaustin142]

And not even to the heat-death of the universe .