🤯 Neurodivergence & TRUTH TELLERS in narcissistic families (SCAPEGOAT origin story)

After this video about scapegoats in narcissistic families • From SCAPEGOAT to fami... went viral, I started noticing something interesting in the comments that reminded me of something I had mentioned in a totally different video about neurodivergent people • Rabbi explains what it... and the stress of "masking" in order to conform to confounding social norms.
I had a lightbulb moment. Maybe the scapegoated truth tellers, in many cases at least, are just neurodivergent kids who can't keep up with the exhausting game of socially sanctioned "white lies" that neurotypical people seem to tell each other all day long! Of course, in the narcissistic family, where the charade of the narc parent's flawlessness must be maintained at all times, the ND's inability to play along is deemed particularly unforgivable.
It also occurred to me that whereas the ND mind will often speak uncomfortable truths in an innocent way without any intention of causing embarrassment, the narcissist speaks uncomfortable truths specifically for that effect and therefore cannot imagine that there is no malicious or cruel intent behind the ND's truth telling.
I think it's possible that many scapegoats were just ND kids who even ONE TIME were oblivious to a lie that they were supposed to tell and became instantly branded.
I don't speak about this in the video, but it also occurs to me that the ND person's struggles in life are a perfect "corroboration" for the narc parent's claims that the ND child is a rebel.
TELL ME IF THIS RESONATES WITH YOUR EXPERIENCE!
#neurodivergent #autism #adhd #addiction #neurotypical #narcissistic #narcissisticparents #trauma #scapegoat #blacksheep
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[@user-ud2ux8gv5n]

This is the first time I’m confronted with the truth about my life and the reason for my weed addiction. Please pray for me, I’m not only the family scapegoat, but also left a narcissistic husband. I am totally alone in life

[@revertinthemaking]

This resonates with me also. I managed to quit my weed dependence near the end of my healing process, by switching to a legal source, low THC (I may try zero if I feel a need to go back to it) and high CBD (1-2% and 20%). I was amazed at the difference. THC increases heart rate (if only anybody had told me that long ago) so is not good with someone who has anxiety, for instance. It is still very difficult to look directly at the trauma of being a scapegoated child, which is a life long role in a society that bases itself on the family unit (capitalism). Even having gone no contact for years, which helped very much, looking at the trauma is so hard. Going to the police about the crimes committed against me in my family helped very much, and was a last resort unfortunately, but that helped increase the healing process (was it the validation?). I am now able to go about life without dependence on marijuana, which is what I always desired -- a completely natural lifestyle.

[@queengreen007]

Sweetheart, don't beat yourself up. I use marijuana, because I didn't want to do the psych drugs. I knew what they did after working on a psychiatric unit during nursing school. I've quit so many times only to start back up again because the stresses became too much again. Read one chapter of the Psalms everyday just one chapter. And see if it doesn't make a difference. My real favorites are all the praise Psalms, it feels really good to worship the Lord.

[@rubberbiscuit99]

Same, my dear. But we are not alone! There are many of us here.

[@johnboh6382]

"It is better to dwell in the wilderness than to live with a contentious and an angry woman" Being alone is better than being with bad company. Find your chosen family (friends) and be glad that the presence of hateful people in your life has lessened. Being alone is an opportunity to regroup and improve yourself, a blessing in disguise. I myself suffer these things and nothing you say, no matter how truthful, will get through to such people. Find solace in the truth and forgive those that hurt you

[@lesleyM84]

not alone, but FREE from nasty people, see things from that perspective.. you are in your own best company!! embrace the beauty of just YOU!! completely free to be you, learn about you, nurture yourself, grow yourself so you can SEE creeps well before you get involved.. about the weed, well if you are labeling it as an addiction, then your true soul is being bothered about it.. it’s your beginning point to face things and adjust your habits to sit well within your truest soul!! i self medicated without knowing that was what i was doing, for decades.. learn about narcs so you can free yourself forever from them.. and MAKE PEOPLE SQUIRM!! it’s a total KICK when done from a pure heart❣️❣️❣️.. God’s speed beautiful soul!! you are on your way to finding your truest nature!!

[@kimboobyer881]

At some point I myself, as the scape goat, started calling out the truth knowing it would push buttons but not knowing the wrath that would ensue. I was thinking if we all knew the truth we could start healing and stop the pattern. I couldn’t have been more wrong. It only made the abuse become much, much greater. I didn’t understand that I was making things much worse for myself. I was ganged up on even more severely. I unknowingly married into the pattern. It was much worse than I could’ve ever imagined. It took a huge toll on my health. I broke free from my husband and entire family several years ago. I think I would have died if I had not. I am still recovering it has been a long and painful process. Thank you for being a blessing. I am a Catholic and the first of your videos I watched was the Scapegoat video less than two weeks ago. I can’t tell you how much healing I am receiving from your teachings. God bless you!

[@dnk4559]

I had to look at the name to see if had written this. You are correct pointing out the abuse made everything so much worse. I just wanted us all to heal.

[@michiganmymichigan]

So very relatable. All I had tip toed around, waiting for my whole life, blew up. I saw how disdainful they were. I tried to be real but was shut down. They teamed up, as if rehearsed, to point out how other I was. It was one blow after another. More of those I cared about were brought in to show me how alone I was in my truth. It got worse, but you know. Years later, still healing, I don't self blame, and it has been years of peace. 🐕

[@EL-sp7ml]

A

[@physicalfreedomUK]

Only recently have I gained the sense that my friends see me as super blunt...to the point of being painful. It would never occur to me to hide from the truth and it seems obvious to me to keep a truth from a friend is to position a barrier between us. At 46yrs I now realise most people don't want truths they just want to have their story heard and feel reassured as they stumble around, too frightened to switch the lights on.

[@rubberbiscuit99]

I feel this.

[@Lyrielonwind]

Sometimes, people think that people want advice but usually, people just want to be hear, that's all. They are not even expecting someone to fix it since they believe there problems are unsolvable. But I agree; many people don't want to hear the truth because it hurts or it might require to take painful decisions or inner work and there are far too many who are afraid of their unwanted or repressed parts. Knowing yourself is a tough job and you don't want to know yourself to betray it later I guess once you unveile reality, you can't close your eyes or go back to your previous, more comfortable place.

[@freedomwarrior5087]

Yes, staying away from the advice giving is good, I no longer do so unless asked. I will still tell it like it is and never beat around the bush, they can take it or leave it.

[@emmasmith9186]

My childhood explained in 13minutes 30seconds 😅 I no longer feel guilty for being wired different and refuse to mask unless absolutely nessecary. I spent 25 years trying to accommodate the ways of both neurotypical and narccistic individuals with zero reciprocity, it's just not sustainable. I say tell the truth shame the devil. Keep a small social circle, live a simple life, value your peace and quiet and remember that your neurodivergence is a gift. Great vid 💯

[@SoulWords]

Beautifully spoken!

[@Michelle7.17]

I was made to be the truth teller, because I NEEDED someone to stand up for me and protect me from my narcissistic mother. I had nobody but myself. One of my mother’s favorite phrases was, “sometimes the truth hurts.” She was very good at doling out her version of the truth when it came to me.

[@sarajean7630]

This is an eye opening insight! I was diagnosed with adhd as a very young child and was the scapegoat of the family. My brain is programmed for truth and justice and that's not compatible with a narcissistic step father.

[@RaisingMyWildflowers]

My mother convinced me that my dental procedure was done to insert speakers into my teeth. She let me know that she didn't like what she was hearing from me while I was at school. Being a gullible kid, I believed this until I was 10. I didn't know what I said wrong, but I was punished periodically for it. I'm autistic, so maybe at one point I said something unflattering not realizing it was off limits. I went on to develop selective mutism and didn't speak in public until adulthood out of fear of saying something wrong. My mom is a narcissist, but whatever my dad suffers from, it's not really comparable, it's much darker - so they probably didn't want some of the dynamics spoken of.

[@more444store6]

That is so sad. That you would be punished for what you did not do. That is what narcissists do. They punish you for their imagination.

[@inChristalone1960]

I am so sorry. What a horribke thing to go through. I wish you great healing and much happiness in your life. 🥰🎁🕊🌹🌅❤️‍🩹

[@kkso3318]

You just totally described my life! I've seen the truth since I was very young, by 8 years old at least. And am now just realizing that many of my outbursts in my teen years were autistic meltdowns. And I was the truth teller scapegoat and just realizing I'm autistic.

[@annamariehewitt3173]

I suffered horribly as a child being the Truth Teller in my family of 6 siblings all were Narcissists except me....On one occasion my parents both Sociopathic Narcissists eviscerated my pets with scissors when I was a child and left them lying Dead for me to find when I got home...My family's cruelty towards me had No Boundaries. But The Lord was with me through everything.. That is how I kept my sanity even as a child I knew that....

[@annchenweidemann5694]

I resonate 💯. I was that kid. My narc parents called it a 'chip on my shoulder'. I could never understand it then, but I certainly do now. I have never been diagnosed with neuro divergence, I was just punished for telling the truth and having the 'chip'.

[@JT-np1op]

Same same same

[@lauriegentry7764]

Yes!

[@JoanKirk-jm5lh]

Another things narcs do is 'projective identification', they push all of the bad things they don't like about themselves onto is! Once my mother told me I was 'pretending to be nice to people', even then, as a child (after 16 years of brainwashing) I knew it wasn't true, because I never pretended if I liked someone. I was kind so I had friends! But I realised later... That's what she did!

[@yolipurpleflower9895]

I am a truth teller and grew up as one of tge scapegoats in my family. Also, I was scapegoated at work for many years. I am so grateful that God removed the narcissist abusers from the job environment.

[@FeralRanchWife]

🙋🏼‍♀️🙋🏼‍♀️🙋🏼‍♀️ THIS. I didn’t know there was a name for my weird aversion to time-wasting questions and lying to be “polite”. I was the scapegoat in my narcissistic family, which made me contemplate suicide as a kid daily. There were 2 things that got me through- my grandma (who taught me about God), and God. As an adult, I chose to move to the middle of nowhere, raise sheep and horses, and live simple. By taking myself out of society that made me shut down mentally….the “mask” thing is SO on point….I am able to live a happy, low-stress, fulfilling life that I don’t want to hide or run away from. “Normal” polite society makes me physically ill! Animal company is SO much better! THANK YOU Rabbi!!! 🙏🏻

[@SoulWords]

The sheep and horses probably don’t lie too much either.

[@FeralRanchWife]

@@SoulWords 😂 Nope! They’re an honest just of character 🐑 🐎 💛

[@nikstar1313]

Yup! Family scapegoat here. “Nikki is off the rails” again when I pointed out the truth 😂. 3 years no contact 🎉

[@Honeytreasures]

Ooof, this is absolutely the person who gave birth to me, who I no longer have any contact with. My sister is the truth teller and I was the golden child, until I got more praise and attention, then we both got the worst of the worst. The part about using information to hurt people later is so true. I was subjected to Munchausen by proxy, (she told me and everyone else I had cancer when it was an ED) to cover up her insecurities about being a neglectful and harmful parent. A narcissist would rather convince her own daughter she was d-ying of cancer than accept her own actions caused a serious mental and physical illness and trauma. I am so glad I got out of there and away from that toxic mess. I hope others can escape it too ❤

[@zebraskin]

I know you are probably far into recovery and I just want to say this stranger is proud of you. I feel what you wrote. I was an only child so I was kinda both the golden child and the goat. I'm also no contact with my mother, but she does see my child (supervised) a couple times a year. Recently infront of my child (how I know) she said " I didn't give any trauma to Zebraskin". My mom didn't do the cancer thing, and instead of an ED (which I've talked about how in a different version it coulda easily been an ED) it was self harm, but still similar to your story. When my mom saw "perfect" all she said was "what is that?". I said nothing and that was all that was done about that. She didn't take me to therapy, which she would do that a lot if it was to her advantage over my dad, but not for that as I guess she felt it was a pox on her. She has always been quick to mark my achievements as her own and then shame me (mainly to the family) when I didn't please her. Glad you got out of that toxicity and I wish you well.

[@mimiglimmer]

The narcissist has an impure, heart of stone, and the scapegoat/truth teller has a pure heart. God ultimately see's the heart.

[@k60c85]

You may not be a mental heal professional, but you definitely understand many things are rooted spiritually. Once we see things spiritually, we see from a new perspective: moral vs immoral. The truth teller has conviction and wants to do the right thing, and is eager to understand and get wisdom. The scapegoat eventually becomes aware of so much evil in the world, not just in his family. He has to learn to survive by the grace of God

[@janetg9325]

You nailed it! I've been a Psychologist for over 30 years. I have seen every kind of person do unspeakable things. My only remaining trust and hope is in the grace of God to see us all through this. Seeing things through a spiritual lens and praying for discernment, some choices seem to me to be clearly right or wrong, and the temporal cost of doing the right thing scares people into compromised decisions. The spiritual cost of a wrong decision is far higher and why it's less tolerable... Until you see you're alone out there saying what you think is obvious. I get plenty of quiet affirmations in private, but in public, silence.

[@GabrielleTollerson]

AMEN

[@danielbishop5673]

I am the truth teller scapegoat child, still trying to work all this out deep into adulthood. Struggling in work and being seen as negative because I cant play their game. Living without people because I cant do the BS normal adult life demands. Its all linked isnt it? This goes ways back and I see it now. Thank you for opening my eyes on this

[@SoulWords]

Yes I think it’s all linked

[@keddy5627]

Rabbi, I appreciate this video so much…I have always had this inner compass that did nothing but create problems for me in my family of origin. For instance, my dad taught us kids how to steal and shoplift, I would feel physically sick but my brothers had no problem with it and consequently I was shamed for being a “goody-two-shoes” over that and many other things. I never fit into my biological family and because of their ways I did not fit anywhere else either. I am 28 years sober and just now beginning to claim the woman God made me to be. 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽

[@amandadavis5246]

Very good. I have a mom who never says I’m sorry or is wrong for anything and she needs prayer really bad and I’m overcoming some things as well.

[@thelonewolf848]

I would love to share my life story with you as the invisible child and scapegoat, blacksheep of my family. The roles alternate. I learned late in life about the narcissistic family and grew up never knowing the dynamics behind the roles. But now I know.

[@Dr.JudeAEMasonMD]

Yes! Small talk. I can’t even. Time is so precious. If I spend the time to engage with someone I intend meaningful conversation I am an introvert. I don’t have extra energy to spare on banalities. It’s not a flex. It’s not personal. The simple fact is I can only mask for so long every day that I have to make it count. Edit: 👋🏽 I was the neurodivergent kid who accidentally told the truth all the time on my parent. I was an outgoing baby and preschooler I loved to dance and laugh. Because I was highly intellectual and as the first child I spent a lot of time my parents and their friends. Even at age 3 or 4 feeling confident that I could ask logical interesting questions because I was a well read curious kid who understood nuance, banter and sarcasm. I read at an early age and had an relatively broad vocabulary for a child of 5 or 6 years of age so could contribute to grown up conversation, I often made my parents friends and relatives laugh and was witty for my age. By the time I left kindergarten an expert at reading social cues and non verbal communication. Sadly this is also the last time I recall feeling like my mind was free of self-doubt. There was no negative self talk yet, I hadn’t yet experienced life with the feeling that life didn’t require a mask my authentic self. After this age I can’t remember a time when I haven’t been in my head with an endless stream of second-guessing myself and about everything I think say or do. Somewhere along the way, I think probably 7 or 8 that all changed. I would get kicked under the thanksgiving table or have my leg pinched or my earlobe twisted and pulled until it was purple and swollen for hours. This occurred whenever I was about to innocently tell the truth as a child. To me it seems like the grooming came out of the blue. I never knew if what I was saying or doing in any particular moment would result in physical abuse until I shut up or stop asking questions. because I was the one who call things out when things didn’t line up. In retrospect I understand such questions would have outed some lie they’d told to or about some of the most trivial things. For example, white lies about why we were late for practice or why they declined my aunt’s dinner invitation and on to more consequential lies that I would have to cover up or pretend not to have witness. In a sense, we gaslight ourselves. I always knew that I was in sensitive territory I enter sensitive subject they would motion me to come close then whisper “shhhhh” into my ear to co-signed something that wasn’t true and if I didn’t and continued speaking, then they would twist the skin until it was unbearable and I would stop mid-sentence and squirm away, in pain. sometimes breaking the skin. That’s when I stopped talking I think that’s when I lost my voice I began to abdicate my voice to other people because it wasn’t safe to speak the truth. That is when I started to second-guess myself. I stopped, trusting my own instincts, I started to play small motor, trend attention ,and I learned that rather than belief to tell the truth and validate your own senses,was not safe

[@patriciahoffmann2362]

Thank you, Rabbi - the way it was explained to me by my psychiatrist was I was the "healthiest" person in the family, in that I saw the truth of what was happening; and so was, of course, the scapegoat. And my "addiction" was anorexia, which was how I felt some control, and had somewhere to put my feelings.

[@zacharyrjstrong]

This is an excellent insight, and I discuss this a bit in one of my papers. The levels of enmeshment and compliance that are required by these kinds of parents make it very very difficult to live with them and make them happy. Neurodivergents will have an even harder time, and of course there is zero mercy or compassion in those households so you get a downward spiral dynamic.

[@Coral_Forever]

Even just being different from the "standard issue" family member for a variety of reasons -- neurodiversity and/or other "obvious differences" can sometimes make the truth more obvious... or the "white" lie more visible. Just by being there... the scapegoat has already demonstrated a compelling "flip side" to their apparently obvious "flaws".... revealing what the autocrats or narcs don't wish to perceive... even unconciously. Side note: I feel sad that people now tend to pathologize truthtelling. Just my thoughts on this topic.

[@more444store6]

I think you are right. I am neuro divergent, and I found that there was zero mercy or compassion in our family. If you said or did anything "out of line" like saying butt you could get in trouble. In our family you couldn't even say the word pregnant. It was a dirty word.

[@JoanKirk-jm5lh]

​@@more444store6😮that's wild! How prudy can you get! It sounds like an excuse to bully to me!!

[@ajlauria7934]

I wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD until I was 48. In the five years since then I have learned so much about this disorder. I now understand how many signs there were, however, being female it was ignored. I spoke the truth a lot and would get in trouble. If I lied, I would get in trouble for that too. Unless, of course, the lie aligned with what my mother wanted to present. To this day, I’m probably her scapegoat.

[@ScottRicketts]

Diagnosed with ADHD as an adult. Scapegoat for a narc father. He repeatedly told me how he could never forgive me for calling the cops on him to get him to stop beating us. It was the 80's and really unless you showed up bloody or dead, no one cared back then. He tried several times to rope me into conversations with him until I made him get so angry in public he stood up yelling at me and everyone just stared at him for the unhinged man he is.

[@TerpsichoreanSelenophile]

Spot on. I'm that person who gets in trouble for blurting out 'insights' with no ill intentions. I've never known how to play the game, what my parents called 'go along to get along.' I find myself going along out of fear, but I'll complain about how it just doesn't make any sense and why. I just realized that this is what always seems to start the trouble. Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory came to mind the whole time I listened to this video.

[@SoulWords]

"go along to get along..." yes. if only it were so simple.

[@wmoli872]

Rabbi, without writing a life story in a YT comment, your accuracy is dead-on to the point that I patiently wait for you to post more content on this subject. I've rolled through so many different resources over the years without ever coming close to the relatability of your presentation, and when you draw lines between the issues themselves and Torah, there's a lot a of peace to found there. It makes me want to help people with similar experiences.

[@yittyess]

Telling my siblings that they are toxic and dysfunctional is like the worst thing ever. All they do is gaslight and blame me. They always look at me like i'm the problem.

[@hospiceforplants9099]

I am the child of a narcissist . My daughter is neurodivergent. She is unable to accept the nuance of everyday life in my immediate family. I thank God everyday for her ! She has the ability to show us the absurdity of accepting bad behavior. She lives in a world of black and white, no gray. She immediately responds to bad behavior and shows me it’s ok to say this is “ bad behavior “.

[@samme1024]

Yep. I've often thought I'm neurodivergent. This video was very clarifying for me. I also have a narcissistic father and am the scapegoat. I can't tell you how many times people have been angry with me for truth telling when I was innocently telling it like it is. I had zero mal-intention. Truth is so much easier than trying to keep track of lies, which often require more lies. It seems an exhausting way to live. I would rather live in truth. Life has enough problems without adding unnecessary ones.

[@firesidechat7191]

I am neurodivergent Got looks when I talked

[@user-zh1zl9bp1u]

You're the first rabbi I've heard speak so honestly about neurodivergence. Thank you!

[@queengreen007]

The truth telling, got me slaps in the mouth. When my mother would be standing there telling a lie to somebody and then me spontaneously bursting out, all that didn't happen that way...

[@antor2471]

Absolutely, I just got cut off from family money because “i was too fucking annoying” in my request to go to a hospital for medical emergency It’s not this case, and it’s not just the fact that children don’t deserve this (it’s easier for me to feel empathy for “children” than for myself) - it’s that simply the act of you saying truths (just naming things as they are) is in an of itself a threat without you trying to make it so I had a narcissist aggravate at me simply because I was honest with him + about him publicly w him in the group and that undermined his authority greatly. He sent me death threats and tried to drive me to suicide while I thought I was doing it in good faith and calling him out was as a favour to him. I’m still scapegoated in family I think love is a place where you can face reality safely Facing reality is hard. The more reality you perceive, the stronger you are Love is rare

[@JennyLuscombeEFT]

Wow. You have just explained to me why I'm so misunderstood! I've been trying to understand that for 10 years! 😮 Omg 🎉 Thank you 🙏 Games of pretend and Smalltalk, my biggest trigger! 😂

[@tehsensei]

The distinction you point out is crucial. Neurodivergents point out truths in a matter-of-fact way. They don't intend to hurt anyone. On the other hand, a narcissist will use it to gain an advantage or put others below them. The truth can be healing in the right context, but it can also be complex. By complex mean as in the case with family dynamics, and trauma.

[@HeidiCavalier]

One thing that got me growing up was that I'd consciously mirror and mimic those around me in order to fit in, which means that I'd mimic my parents' bad behavior thinking it must be good. After all, they acted like they could do no wrong! Yet those were the times I'd incur the worst wrath. I studied them carefully to avoid punishment, but it seemed the more precisely I emulated them, the angrier they got! When I dropped my mask I'd be ridiculed for all kinds of weird stuff, and I'd definitely get in trouble for pointing out what I considered to be obvious, but it was masking itself -- trying to appear like them -- that got me in the most trouble. They just couldn't stand their own reflections. I think this happens with all children on some level, but when you have a neurodivergent kid making a study of human interaction, you're really in for it! I now have a neurodivergent child of my own, and she certainly keeps me in line! If you're open to it, it can be like having an angel on your shoulder, always pointing out the ways you can improve 😅There's just no lying to yourself with such a crystal clear mirror in your life 😉 By the way -- and I know I'm not alone in saying this -- I love your videos on neurodiversity and scapegoating both. It's such a refreshing perspective, and really very helpful.

[@SoulWords]

This is a chilling observation. I gained a lot from this comment.

[@lynnehowell1347]

Yes it resonates. You nailed it. It did not begin to unravel for me until I understood I am neurodivergent. It gets easier to navigate now by the day! Now I have the tools to succeed.

[@mandcg3489]

You are describing the story of my life, since I can remember, I haven’t been great at White Lies. A long time ago I decided not to lie or not to try to.. because every time I did, I would feel so guilty that I would have to tell the truth. My dad is has ADHD and my mom is very narcissistic.. my husband always gets angry at me for not being able to pretend, and I always explain to him that I just can’t. All I can do is not talk. Thank you so much for explaining this because all my life I tried to be normal and only until recently have I started to see everything that my mom always said was a big big flaw . , is actually a blessing. I was always a scapegoat when my mom and my sister would always make fun of how they couldn’t take me anywhere because I was so imprudent. My mom made it her life mission to make me lose all credibility in front of my family, cousins, etc… and now I understand that it was her way of self-preservation cause I couldn’t help myself. I feel so blessed to understand I’m not alone and that to some degree it wasn’t my fault that she didn’t love, me. Since then, I’ve been able to except myself a lot better, to understand my mom and my sister. Thank you so much for making this video you gave my feelings words. Bless you.😊❤

[@maidofcornwall]

I feel heard. Thank you. I was diagnosed as autistic a year ago at 53, and I am also the family scapegoat. You’re wrong about the narcissist being nice. They can be. In my case it’s always swiftly followed by “I taught her everything she knows.” So they can pay compliments, but there’s usually a sting in the tail that comes with it and whips that compliment away. Yes, I was taught a lot, and I’m still learning! Someone does indeed need to study this connection.

[@sarahvegangarden4822]

I've spent my life bluntly telling the truth and then wondering why that doesn't seem to improve things. Last week I had an insight. I watched the 1930s movie Little Lord Fauntleroy. The hero's mother is an exceptional person. She values truth but she also values forgiveness and redemption and therefore she withholds from her son the information that his grandfather has been cruel to both his son and to his son's wife (ie, her). She allows her son to meet his grandfather with no foreknowledge of his cruel behaviour. Fauntleroy, because of his loving nature, therefore assumes his grandfather is a loving person like him. The grandfather, seeing himself through his grandson's eyes, becomes for the first time an authentically good person. It's a children's novel (by Frances Hodgson Burnett) made into a feelgood movie so of course good overcomes evil, but nevertheless it struck me that it's the first time I've realised there's a higher good than factual truth. I hope that made sense. Plus it's a great movie! Also try The Summer of My German Soldier, which is a vivid portrayal of being the family scapegoat.

[@jodybryant1752]

So much aligns with many aspects of my life. So much that I couldn’t begin to explain…. You know, I learn so much from you , about my family dynamics of my mother, refusing to be accountable , for her mistakes , then bragging that I’m crossing the lines of disrespect, calling me out . Correcting, thru my siblings. Which at times became really scary. Because she doesn’t want to talk about it. Of course she will always say, now why you gotta go there???? I make her feel uncomfortable, so she would turn my siblings against me. I’d say, it’s because she’s literally lying. And it’s my word against hers. And whole family plays along with her. No one says anything to her. It’s , Very sad she plays theses games in her eighties. I’m in my sixties and moved to be closer to her. To help her and think, maybe I could change her??? 4 yrs later, I still have the same problems with her , since childhood. Now I’m the , Scapegoat /truth teller. Now, no one in my family, will talk to me ….. So sad , I’m chronically ill. I have therapist and large medical team. Yet not one family member has gone against my mom. To see how I am? My wife , anything???? After months ….. I am now truly alone , sick and deeply depressed. Prayers and God, keep me strong . Thank you 🙏🏼

[@jarenkoelzer1994]

Amazing. Yep, I am the Truth teller and Scapegoat, but I am not neurodivergent. I run a support group with a lot of beautiful souls who are though. I can absolutely see your line of thinking, but also, for me anyway, I just hated the games. I ALWAYS knew there was something wrong with them. I had a breakthrough in trauma therapy in July 2022. Since then I have been writing my memoirs, and am on book 3. I am nearly ready to publish book 1. It is important for me to tell and document my healing process, both to help show others healing is possible, as well as to lend to the academic community the tale of a woman who went through this since birth, for 42 years, and was able to be courageous and resilient. Thank you so much for your wisdom and clarity. It is much appreciated.

[@SoulWords]

thank you so much! your support group sounds amazing btw!

[@jarenkoelzer1994]

Thank you. They are the most beautiful souls I have ever known. @@SoulWords

[@SoulWords]

btw forgive me for saying... you "just hated the games" huh? that sounds kind of ND to me. 🙂 I think most NT people will at least begrudgingly play such games and even appreciate the utility of doing so as long as it secures their social position. Most ND people will not be able to handle such silliness for long.

[@jarenkoelzer1994]

Perhaps you may be right. I shall talk to my therapist about it. The funny thing is I always protected kids who were bullied when I was a child, and I am now a Special Education Specialist. I never really thought that I may be ND myself. This is so interesting!@@SoulWords

[@jarenkoelzer1994]

I want to thank you so much for this conversation. It was just brought to my attention by my fellow warriors/survivors that having CPTSD is a form of neurodivergence. I don't know why I never put that together! Absolutely incredible insight Rabbi. Thank you so much.

[@BialyTribeAdventures]

This is wild! This story has popped in my head many times after witnessing gaslighting in children , especially the neurodivergents who will often "say it like it is". Great topic! As a neurodivergent family, we thank you!!❤

[@christyhall1419]

Yes, I think you’re completely right about the role of the scapegoat and the truth teller being tied together and that the truth teller, as a child is simply confused. I don’t know much about neurodivergence. But I am an astrologer and I understand archetypes and when you say that the narcissist and the scapegoat are mirrors of one another, you’re exactly correct. In the zodiac, Leo is the zodiac sign which correlates to qualities we would define as narcissistic and Aquarius, the opposite sign (mirror of Leo) is the archetype of the fool or innocent child who comes along and makes fun of the King without meaning any harm. The fool archetype is fascinating because of the wisdom he / she holds and the fact that you must be in a position of the outsider in order to gain this wisdom. If you’re neurodivergent, you can’t be “popular” as the Leo archetype requires. If you’re popular, you are at the center of things and don’t gain a perspective that’s unique. I grew up with a narcissistic father who still “rules his kingdom” in his sickness, but I have genuine sympathy for him now at the age of 52 with two grown children of my own. I can see how his kingdom is in ruins and he hasn’t ever been truly happy in his entire life and it saddens me tremendously actually that he never did learn how to let go of the idea that anyone can be perfect. What a burden to carry. I raised my children far away from his kingdom so that they were not poisoned by his mentality or treatment, but I did allow them to know him and just as your students have taught you, my children have taught me the most about myself. Both of them giving me feedback through the years like, “I’m glad Grandpa was so hard on you when you were young because if he hadn’t been, you wouldn’t be the great problem solver that you are!” When my daughter said this to me at 12, I realized something profound. My Dad hadn’t just shaped me for the worse. He had taught me truly valuable life skills through his warped mentality. When my son was 15 and I was singing a song doing the dishes, he came in and gave me a long hug and I asked him what it was for and he said, “I really appreciate that you taught us how to be happy. Grandma and Grandpa aren’t happy and somehow you figured out how to be happy and I’m really grateful.” The feedback they have given me hasn’t always been kind of course, but I love my two little truth tellers. They were never turned into scapegoats by me.

[@SoulWords]

This is deeply moving. Thank you.

[@ariellaabrahams]

Nailed it!!! I'll be 60 soon and I still can't comply with social niceties and white lies. I see what I see and I call it out

[@createdonthate]

This video absolutely resonated with me and my experiences. It saddens me that I found this out long into my adult life. But I am happy that I’m aware. Instead of living confused and under the influence of others who don’t see me for me. Thank you for sharing.

[@gravityfalls784]

Love your channel and found you through the video you mentioned. ❤ For your anecdotal statistics 🙂: Am the truth teller and the scapegoat. I'm definitely a bit neurodivergent and have an addiction to gathering information. To this day I can't make small talk and I'm terribly bored if i have to listen to some. White lies i manage a little better, I would never spoil a child's magical phase. But I'm in Europe where things are perhaps a little different culturally. Example: “How are you?” can get you: "I feel absolutely terrible. + details about that". 😅 I tell the truth because of a strong sense of justice. I know what i'm doing while i'm doing it. Sorry for my English. Peace and love for everyone. ❤

[@Nitsirk7131]

Wow!! Yes!! I am later-in-life diagnosed ASD with a non-diagnosed narc mom. After two years of family therapy(her gaslighting had me losing grip on reality), she quit, been no-contact for 1+ yrs. Hole in my heart. All your points resonated. Thank you for your insight…helped me connect more dots.

[@radicallyredeemedrebel3434]

I was and have been the scapegoat throughout life. I had a mother who was a scapegoat with narcissistic tendencies and was addicted to multiple substances and abusive. I later met, fell in love with and married the golden child of a very narcissistic mother. We had two children. As adults we, my husband and myself, found out that we are neurodivergent. My husband, the kids father, is on the autism spectrum and I have ADHD. Both of our children are neurodivergent. Our son has both ASD and ADHD and our daughter has very high functioning autism. I have come to realize that throughout time, experiences and family one has been the scapegoat and one the other the golden child. We are currently trying to become more self aware and break the cycle while setting health boundaries as a family unit and with extended family to help prevent the cycle continuing. I can see the correlation between neurodivergence and addition because there was multiple times in my life that i had grown to rely heavily on numbing substances such ws alcohol and marijuana especially during very trying stressful times. Thankfully I am continuing to learn to rely on Hashem and dont rely on those substances anymore.

[@insights3140]

Fascinating. My neurodivergence is being an HSP. As I’ve come to understand the reality of my childhood, and why I was different, I came to the conclusion that my difference is what saved me from the conditioning. It never felt right. I always saw the truth. And for most of my life I was gaslit to believe I was the problem. In hindsight, my extra sensitivity kept me clear. Traumatized, but clear of the narcissism.

[@SoulWords]

Profound insight

[@jewishgirl1581]

My brother was the real scapegoat. He was told he had to be put on psychiatric medication at 13 for depression then when he said he didn't want to do it, he was hospitalized against his will, given antipsychotics and his life forever changed. He can't function anymore... i am saying this to tell people the harm of psychiatric medication but also that this happens almost daily in narcissistic families. Since now the narcissist is able to punish through drugs and accusing people of mental illness that is what they will do for power and control.

[@stephanieknoblock2620]

This happened in my family as well. I share your sentiments on forcing diagnoses as well as treatments on individuals. Especially minors. These are truly miracles turned to tragedy.

[@jewishgirl1581]

@@stephanieknoblock2620 thank you so much

[@jewishgirl1581]

@@mp2753 so sorry it's horrifying

[@jewishgirl1581]

@@mp2753 we need a support group for this

[@elizabethl6187]

I can definitely track with this. One more consideration: some people have principle-based morals, some people have aesthetic (feeling)-based values. The Judeo-Christian faith tradition (if that is okay to say) has a LOT of principles, but society has flexible values. The narcissist requires everyone to have only flexible values. Sometimes everyone has to change their tune from one day to the next. Some of us just aren’t wired for that; we need to understand WHY.

[@akai.christo]

The story of my life!! Thank you Rabbi Taub!! ✡️🙏♥️🔥

[@tamikaallison2492]

It’s not my intention to hurt . They aggravate me so much that the truth just blurts out !

[@beakywonders]

As someone with ADHD and ASD, the content of this video is something I have voiced to loved ones over the past couple of years. I’m 100% convinced my neurodivergence saved my life and helped me leave Jehovah’s Witnesses. I was raised in it, and I actually think my neurodiversity is what allowed me to see through the farce starting at age 12. It was then my anger at the hypocrisy and injustice suffered by those around me due to the JW beliefs that gave me the courage to speak out about my thoughts and feelings by age 15, after which I was ostracized. JW are taught that “people will not understand us,” “you will be an outcast,” and “hold to the truth,” so once the tables turned and I began opposing their beliefs, fitting in wasn’t necessary to me. I was the proud black sheep not only due to my neurodivergence but also to what they had engrained into a legitimate truth seeker. It was not till my ASD diagnosis that I began to understand why I was different, as I’d wondered for years why the brainwashing didn’t take. Thank you so much for shedding light on this topic. It is fascinating, and now I have validation that my reasoning isn’t just in my head.

[@Kennedy4OurCountry]

For me, it was that i KNEW at a very early age that the way my mother was treating me was WRONG & even from the look in my eyes she knew i knew. The only way she could get 'respect' from me was by creating fear. She turned my 2 younger sibs against me...found that out when she passed & it was like she lived on in them. I let them go, in peace. At 62 im learning things about my self on youtube that therapists blithely misdiagnosed, never realising that some children are wired differently & Can't Cope with daily fear & daily screaming & 'mishandling' coming from someone their life depends on My self-diagnosis has clarified many things for me. Better late than never for sure. I'm on my way to true authenticity. My mind is quiet now. I dont disassociate as frequently. Im learning to just observe & not react.

[@SoulWords]

True authenticity sounds amazing.

[@nishasankaran]

Well she could be masking because as a neurodivergent and scapegoat, she feels and 'sees' everything. She's good at chaos, finds peace in chaos and knows how to move into action to keep the peace, to 'fix' whatever is happening, or to remain silent. She is that self-trained, in order to survive. Her body is so tuned into her home environment and detect muscle movements from parents that indicate that a shit storm is about to begin. Neurodivergence can be caused by a child having to survive in a home environment that is a war zone and so grows into an adult with the brain of someone who really only understands the world as a giant minefield.

[@vanessapetrea2490]

Thank you! Good talk! I’m glad you mentioned the neuro diversion child, because they’re usually the sensitive child in the family, although not always. Sometimes the narcissist child is neuro diversion. That’s how they play their part of the role as victim. They only want the truth for them, and don’t mind manipulating and lying towards others to have their way always and consistently.

[@jordanzothegreat8696]

I have ADD and I'm def wired differently then most men. I've known this a long time and my general approach in life has been to pull levers to see what happens instead of looking at things objectively. I am also the scapegoat and I have trouble not sabotagiing my own successes. I am in my 40's and still haven't figured out how to navigate life successfully. I have a lot of trouble with valuing my abilities despite feeling as capable as others. I suffer from substance abuse and have used drugs and alcohol to temper my depression and self loathing. The childhood I had has made it difficult to tell myself anything good. I think therapy may be the only thing for me. I keep a positive outlook somehow, but find myself attracted to people who put me down and I seem to love a good trauma bond... sigh... Being constantly feeling like your being fucked with for the first 18 years of life definitely willn have an effect on a kid for the rest of their life.

[@joshuapjung]

This is the most accurate description of my entire life I have ever seen.

[@sarahjensen2473]

In my experience (autistic scapegoat who has had relationships with other ND people and addicts), ADHD is extremely common among addicts. Autists without ADHD seem to have a normal, or maybe even below average risk of addiction (also in my experience), in spite of our challenges, but maybe that's because we turn to our special interests which aren't usually things people get addicted to. If I get dopamine from studying biology, physics, or Torah, I don't need to go looking for excitement elsewhere. I love that your observations and study are leading you in this direction, and I'm glad this video showed up in my feed. Thank you, Rabbi!

[@SoulWords]

Bombshell. You just blew my mind. The special interests ARE an addiction.

[@JoanKirk-jm5lh]

I have ADHD and do not have an addictive personality or use substances, I never have, but I know there are some that do. Addiction is about finding ways to numb emotional pain as I understand. I know it sounds strange but being in nature is the most healing thing for me and how I think I've escaped a lot of the usual suffering from being both neurodivergent and a scapegoat!

[@SoulWords]

@@JoanKirk-jm5lh I am so happy that you found a healthy way to soothe yourself. That's wonderful.

[@dogood770]

This really resonated with me. I was called all sorts of names by my mother and older siblings. Finally feel heard and understood litsening to this ,thank you for sharing your insights.

[@Hislittlelamb]

As a neurodivergent and family scapegoat I completely agree with your hypothesis except there is pent up anger & frustration involved in questioning “inconsistencies” i.e. "why did you say, do _______ for the Golden Child, but you said, did the opposite for/to me?”.

[@WPVanHeerden]

It took me almost four decades to figure out this exact same scenario in my childhood, repeating in different ways with significant others, before I was diagnosed at age 53, as having ASD.

[@SoulWords]

Crazy how common this scenario is

[@WPVanHeerden]

@@SoulWords It seems to be a global phenomenon, late diagnosis, clarity, split with abusive partners or family. So happy that so many young people get to struggle a little bit less, now that there is more awareness. Thank you for the wisdom and information you share.

[@Phantomselbst]

In my case it was my intelligence, without wanting to sound vain. In elementary school, I took an intelligent test that lasted several hours and resulted in an IQ of 140. Somehow I trusted my judgment, consciously from then on, but probably unconsciously before then.

[@GOP1994GOP]

This resonates with me. Unfortunately, I can't openly talk about why in a direct way here on KZbin due to their policies about "acceptable speech/topics." All I can really say is that my mask finally slipped earlier this year about an incident from my childhood. I told the truth to my family in hopes I can finally get some support from them to heal from that traumatic event that has ruined my life for so long. Instead, I was told I'm the reason the family is falling apart and was almost forced to live on the street. During that time, my family became protective of the family member who caused the trauma, all to protect "our perfect family." I'm safely out of that system now and slowly rebuilding my life.

[@serena715]

Ooh, I was feeling like this topic isnt touched on enough, so I went searching and found this video! Yes, you're absolutely right, a neurodivergent person is more likely to call it like they see it, or be a truth teller. For this reason alone I believe we are frequently targeted by narcissists, both the ones at home and the ones at work, school, etc. If we say anything that makes them look bad or suggests they aren't *perfect* we instantly become the enemy. I think narcissistic parents also scapegoat their neurodivergent children for other significant reasons as well. The narcissistic parent does not love their child, but loves when the child can make them look good. A high achieving child makes the narc parent seem like a better parent than they actually are, and becomes the golden child. A neurodivergent child is more likely to struggle with school, making friends, extra curriculars, etc. They are less useful in making the narc parent look good. Likewise, narcissists are hierarchical thinkers--they are status oriented. Whoever is the most powerful, popular, wealthy or successful is objectively the best in the mind of the narcissist. They view those as less capable as being intrinsically inferior, and therefore deserving of poor treatment. Narcissists are inherently ableist in this way. A neurodivergent child with a narcissistic parent is far more likely to struggle, as they will not receive any meaningful support from their parent. Alternatively, if a narc parent decides to "embrace" their child's disabilities or neurodivergence, they will do so in a way that centers *their* voice and perspective, rather than their child's--ultimately doing more harm than good, hence the phenomenon of "autism moms." I'd like to add though that it is possible for a neurodivergent person to also develop a narcissistic personality, but that's a bit complicated and a whole other discussion.

[@Bemadabava]

As the scapegoat with ADD I hate lies but had to learn to lie, bc when I told the truth, I was labeled a liar. So, for self-protection, I learned to be a skillful liar, mostly to my family. Although I am told when I tell the truth I am told I am mean. I was taught small talk, and use it for any type of human connection.

[@erockfreedom6399]

Thank you so much. I just discovered you through your last video. When both parents are like that (narcissists) and it just infected the whole family system. My extraversion, if you will was squelched by pointing things out. Also, being pathologized and projected upon. _ Youngest of a broken, lonely unit Todah Rabah

[@shannonjaye6004]

This definitely resonates with me. I finally got my ASD diagnosis last year, in my mid-thirties. I’m very low to no contact with my family because they are all extremely toxic. I’m quite certain my father has NPD. Mom and older sister are likely Cluster B of some kind. Apparently I, at the age of 4, was the one who pointed out to my mother the apartment where my adulterous father was keeping his mistress. He used to take me there, and my little autistic self could remember the details of where it was located, even though it was at least 15 minutes away from my house. My little autistic self also didn’t get the memo that I was to keep this a secret. Before no contact, I would desperately tell them things earnestly, honestly, but they would DARVO me every time. Sister would bully me. Mom would triangulate. I could no longer live in truth while steeped in their lies. And it’s taken me decades to realize enough was enough.

[@SoulWords]

I’m glad the algorithm led you here. Thank you for sharing your story.

[@raven4090]

Whenever I spoke up about something being wrong or someone being treated unfairly, my mom would accuse me (loud enough for anyone present to hear) of "trying to cause trouble." The last time she did that I was 59 years old. When I was 7, and first heard the story of The Emperor's New Clothes, I realized that I was like that little boy. I tried hard for over 5 decades to learn how to fit in, but gave up two years ago. I'm autistic, and trying to recover from major burn out. I don't care anymore that other people hate truth. I just want a peaceful life, so I only want to keep company with others who appreciate truth. The others can go lie to each other. I'm done. ✅😊

[@SoulWords]

Wow! Your story is so important. It drives home this point so clearly. Thank you for sharing it.

[@raven4090]

@@SoulWords Your welcome. Thank you for reading it.

[@flemutter7211]

Greetings Rabbi, I’ve never heard anyone tackle this topic like you did. I’m glad you made a follow up. May Israel prevail and HASHEM protect his chosen people. 🇮🇱.

[@carbon1479]

As an adult on the autistic spectrum (formal PDD-NOS dx in 1991, I'm getting close to my 44th birthday now and was 11 at the time of dx) - I was getting hit by several things at the same time. First I had parents trying to raise me to be ethical, which being logical and 'on the spectrum' it was intuitive, and it helped blow out what weak Darwinian competition circuits I had. The next thing, as you pointed out, was the discovery that most communication was about buttering people up or tearing them down but rarely ever truth just manipulation for social status points - I'd always been told that this was such inferior behavior, my parents would correct me if I ever engaged in it. Fast-forward to my 20's and 30's and I had to gain that knowledge on my own, that even having relatively good social skills and even the ability to understand most of what was happening around me, there'd be a cohort of something like 1/3 people in high narcissism environments who couldn't stand me and maybe 1/5 in lower narcissicism environments and I figured out what was happening - that these people were either displaying relevant cluster B behavior or at least engaging in cluster B power games and were threatened by my intelligence and the ways in which my just being who I was was potentially destabilizing to other people's machinations. Over time I've shut myself in more because I've realized people aren't really hear to learn, grow, evolve spiritually, etc., they're here to get as many fitness payouts as they can to get the best job, the best partner, the best social position for their kids (if they can damage their kids competition in some way even better) - thus it's almost like humans, or any other animal for that matter, is just a technology that genes developed as something like battle mechs in a Japanese anime to go after each other, to see which genes were better than others, procreate those which are most dominant in a given environment and liquidate those that aren't dominant - whether through weakness or simple moral disgust. Seeing that both facts don't care about feelings and feelings don't care about facts also emphasizes something which I remember the British philosopher John Gray (one of my favorite thinkers on the darker aspects of humanity) mentioned that liberals felt that evil came from ignorance and that if you cure ignorance you cure evil, to which his comment was 'Well, maybe so but... people seem awfully fond of ignorance...'. My interpretation - the 'truth game' and the 'gene game', while not entirely mutually exclusive, the gene game HATES the truth game and wants to smash those who play it because they're getting in the way of the process of Darwinian evolution, spoiling the party when wanton displays of domination are happening, etc.. From that I'd add I'm also familiar with Rene Girard's theories of memetic desire - they fit excellently here especially in the context of scapegoating and I think GameB (headed by Jim Rutt but loaded with a lot of very interesting complex systems thinkers - like Daniel Schmachtenberger, Jordan Hall, Samo Burja, Nora Bateson, etc.) also have a lot to offer in understanding this, especially in the analysis of a 2014 essay written by Scott Alexander / Slate Star Codex titles 'Meditations on Moloch' to which Moloch is an Alan Ginsberg (Howl) borrowed metaphor for something like the entire ecology of multipolar traps and tragedies of the commons. After say all of that about Darwinian evolution and game theory I'd also clarify - I'm not necessarily a reductive materialist, physicalist maybe, but I'd probably be an idealist from the context that I've had strong experiences of synchronicity, causality breaking down with objects, dream premonitions, so I get what people are talking about when they wonder, like Nick Bostrom, if we're in a simulation or Bernardo Kastrup whether we're dissociated alters of Mind At Large. I was in Builders of the Adytum for several years and studied Hermetic Kabbalah from the Golden Dawn perspective but I still find Donald Hoffman and Chetan Prakash's Conscious Realism the most useful because it's a format of idealism granular enough and specific enough to explain how Darwinian evolution could work in a system where space and time are emergent and where consciousness is fundamental.

[@julianajones4022]

Interesting comment...can you say that again a bit easier to understand maybe....

[@carbon1479]

@@julianajones4022 which part?

[@miamay8069]

Kid thinks Truth is helping people, because the kid wants the same helpful truthful instruction .

[@missyamorosi]

Thank you so much opening up the conversation about this type of situation. This explains me and my family dynamics perfectly. I've been diagnosed with ADHD for many years, but it wasn't until just recently, at the age of 31, that I discovered that I'm autistic as well, which has really brought me clarity about situations like this that have haunted me all throughout my life. I've always been the scapegoat in my family. I would constantly get mad fun of and scolded for things that weren't wrong and never understood why. I realize now that I would often innocently say things that would enrage certain family members, such as correcting them about something they said (not to be rude, but just to inform them) and they couldn't bear to be corrected. Anyway, I'm glad you have noticed a correlation between these two things and started a conversation about it because things like this need to be talked about if we want to progress as a society of humans. Thanks for sharing this. 👍

[@JHixon-bi8ok]

Ye. I was the very blunt, call it what it is…truth teller kid. I was also the family’s scape goat…even well into middle age. The solution for me was to cut off contact with the narcissistic family members.

[@AishaKarefa]

Spot on! Truth teller here. Didn't think of myself as such. It's just the way I speak. I've often been told I'm too honest or too blunt or that I have no filter. Now I understand more about being Neurodivergent and how my "straight no chaser "way of expressing myself rattles many feathers.

[@carbon1479]

It's also really hard to play along with social coercive games when it feels like they're constantly eroding your identity, and quite often - even credibly based on given people's goals - they're trying to shape you into something or someone else in a direction that puts you below your actual capacities (ie. subjugate). I think a lot of neurodivergent people, even when they do understand the situation, get the sense that giving in and doing what others want them to do would be so much worse for them that taking the punishment for not complying is better. It could be that a lot of people require integrity for mental health whereas it can feel like the rest of the world either doesn't care about integrity or mental health, quite often it feels like the world only pretends to value human life over animal life just to avoid legalization of murder, so 'complying' feels a bit like being invited to be sewn into a Human Centipede chain.

[@anastashiawick4328]

I've definitely felt like something was wrong with my own filter as a child.

[@jenniferflower9265]

This explains a ton in my life. I've never understood the talking about the weather or silly conversation. I see my husband constantly tell white lies. He told them to myself as well, which used to trigger me to all ends. Until I accepted it as, he's not trying to harm me or get away with anything. I still dont see the point of it. It was mentally exhausting if you asked me. I was always the truth teller as well. I'd get in so much trouble for it and outcast out of the family. I never meant harm. It seems to really upset people. I found looking at hard truths to be especially rewarding and power because now, you can change things you dont like rather than be subject to it for your life. I noticed others dont see this powerful perspective the same. They just go on, goimg on, complaining about the same old things, covering up, lies. It's odd to be. I will sa that being the scapegoat is lonely. But, if i had the choice, I'd rather be lonely living g truth, the exhaustly living lies, and repeating the same old suffering saga.

[@itoobable]

yup. Neurodivergent scapegoat here. don't fit in with my family's culture at all. feel like I've been carrying the burden of generations of disowned emotions - like a runaway train of generational shadows. trying to communicate with my family collapses me because there is nothing i can do or say that will make any sense to them, and all I feel left with is the burden of their expectations and disappointments. I very much identify with Karla McLaren's article called 'Empaths on the Spectrum" - highly recommend it! peace

[@aprildawnsunshine4326]

I just realized I have always been neurodivergent! I've long considered my cptsd to be the cause of alot of my problems, but this is the first description of neurodivergence that truly sounds like me! Also explains my nickname in school: TMI girl 😆 I'm seeing my story: abusive childhood>married a bigger bully who'd defend me>he inevitably turned on me and I barely got out. It's practically a trope by now. What's more interesting to me is that, at least in the US and the UK, it seems to be becoming a dominant trait. My dad was the first in my family tree. Then both my brother and I are and all 3 of our children! It could be partly or fully environmental as I know my grandmother received some form of MH care before/during pregnancy, my mother is of the generation "a pill for every ill", and despite my best efforts I needed MH medication during both my pregnancies. The other interesting correlation I'm seeing is the rise in a general desire for more simple, natural lifestyles and surroundings. There's also a rise in religions based in nature worship and connection and based on my experience as a member of that community I can say for certain we are all neurodivergent! 😆💞 IMHO it's just what our species needs to survive. Call it beneficial evolution or divine intervention, but us weirdos are here to save the world ❤

[@SoulWords]

Yes the weirdos are definitely a big part of saving the world. And yes this world is redeemable. Maybe it takes a weirdo even to believe that.

[@pieterwillem1519]

Rabbi ,I resonate 100% in my parent's home and my marraige Thank you for better understanding

[@mandyr5896]

Hello Rabbi. Thank you for posting this. I never understood why I was the scape goat and why I couldn't just play the game the rest of the narcissist family could. This really hit home for me. It was my sense of unfairness and justice from my nd that was causing this.

[@SoulWords]

I’m glad it gave you some clarity

[@realmsabovetheclouds3619]

Wow, no wonder my family hated me- mother and siblings- only my dad loved me, and they hated him too! So glad I found this!

[@anag5197]

It’s extremely hard when you’re ADHD and the oldest daughter in a narcissistic family obsessed w a high demand religion. We don’t miss their rules, at a young age we KNOW they’re insane. At 43 they only reach out to me to try and guilt trip me back into their “family”.

[@Santiago-ov8gc]

I've had these same ideas floating around the last few days but couldn't quite put it into words. Then you came along and hit the nail on the head so to speak. I get the impression that the ancient prophets were trying to get this same message across but at that time they didn't have a language with terms like narcissism and neurodivergent so they did the best they could using their language of religious mythology. Then... the neurotypical literalists came along and got side-tracked and ended up missing the whole point.

[@familiesimon2987]

My sisters say I have traits of autism because I can concentrate deeply, am very honest, and can sometimes are not in touch with my own and other peoples' emotions. I am not sure if the latter point is because of neurodiversity, it might be because my feelings were constantly invalidated. But I was the only one who talked back to my parents who were very authoritative and religious. My father would beat me for it and my mother tried to drive out the devil in me. I like it that you use the term neurodivergent, it sounds better than autistic.

[@matthewmcgovern1740]

I went OTD a year ago. Learned in Litvish Yeshivas but I loved learning Tanya and other works of Chabad Chassidus. Sometimes I watch this channel, you really get it Rabbi!

[@SoulWords]

Do you follow the Tanya class on this channel?

[@milesgorsuch5018]

I wanted to thank you for sharing your thoughts on this. I just watched your video on scapegoats and it came at a time I really needed insight from a good human so seeing this pop up next is just 🙏..thank you! I've been thinking about this a lot lately because my brother and I both come from a narcissistic household and are both autistic. We're in our 20's living together now and both coming to terms with how that situation affected us. I wanted to share my own experience with how I became a scapegoat so people out there can relate to it or gain a bit of insight into how this happens. I'm autistic and growing up I always felt like I was doing everything wrong. I had to learn to mask my differences because I was bullied by my classmates - and also my dad. I was the truth teller because I didn't understand why anyone would lie. When I was 10 my family moved across the country and I lost the only couple friends I had and fell into a deep depression. I couldnt even be honest about my mental struggles because I need to consider their feelings and how my attitude was affecting them. I checked out every book on autism because I needed to know why I was struggling. I had read every book Temple Grandin had published - and every paper out there with her stamp of approval on it. Despite this I was refused testing or even therapy by my father. Then they started to scapegoat actively. I was told by my father that 'real' mentally ill people go to psych wards and a kid would get raped there. I had it thrown in my face constantly how expensive any mental health services would be (despite the fact he pumped hundreds a month easily into his food addiction and plenty of weed). Suddenly my entire life was flipped upside down because I 'knew' that everything was my fault. And despite the fact I was refused help he verbally, emotionally, and even a few times physically abused me to the point that by the time I was 11 I had no real sense of worth. Even asking him to stop wasn't ok and could result in days of insults, slamming doors, and not letting me have any privacy. By that time he had convinced me I was not only a bad person but deeply mentally ill. I kept truth telling in an attempt to fix the family but it always resulted in hours long fights where I didnt have an ability to escape so I decided to dish it back hard as possible (resulting in every argument since I was a child being blamed on me). Family wasnt family it was a battle that either my dad or I had to win. Him because he was abusive and me because I had no way out. And thus the scapegoat became even more of a scapegoat. I think neurodivergence plays a big role in narcissistic families because they're easier to take advantage of. Autistic people are much more prone to gaslighting- even on a societal scale when it comes to receiving care, reasonable accomodations and sadly but most especially being taken seriously. So it doesn't surprise me that so many of my autistic friends have had similar experiences with they're narcissistic families. If a narcissist wants to prove themselves right at any cost they will dig their claws into any insecurity or even warp symptoms of autism which aren't inherently bad into character faults. Mix that in with the social isolation autistic people often feel and the tendency for kids with trauma to hide away- and you have a perfect victim. Thank you to anyone who may have read my ramble. There is a way out and a better life ahead for anyone in a similar situation ❤️

[@SoulWords]

Thank you so much for your honesty and vulnerability in this comment. I know it will help many people. Thank you.

[@janise5274]

I find the truth to be such a healing force, I hear, see and speak truth. Its confusing to me that 'normal' people dont feel the same sense of calm when hearing truth.... I hear truth even when being lied to, when I respond to the truth because I didn't hear the lie, I'm called a liar!! 😂 😢 a client told me that she didn't tell me her new medicine, but I spoke to it by name as if she told me. I was facing her and saw her say the name of the medicine, she stopped me to explain that I heard the truth even though she spoke different words. That's when I realized why im called a liar, always in trouble as a child, so i stopped responding to most people, for fear of ousting someone, accidentally. Sorry for the rambling, I'm finding so much Peace listening to you. Thank you, Sir! ❤❤❤

[@SoulWords]

I think a lot of us have had similar experiences. Another way I’ve heard it described quite aptly is: I may not be able to read social cues but I can always read people’s energy.

[@oceanside13]

This nails it. I already came to this conclusion shortly after your narcissist class rolled through my KZbin. The popularity of narc vids just goes to show how many people are struggling to deal with the behavior of the narcs in our lives. About 2 weeks after watching your narc class (3 times) I came to the conclusion (working with my therapist) that I am an autistic woman. Women and PoC are also neurodivergent, too, btw.I am working on getting assessed for ASD. I am my narc mom's scapegoat. But I was also my psychopath pedophile dad's golden child. At age 33 I startred to remember the abuse from my dad. I called my mom and told her, and said I thought the neighbors had done it. Because she knew it was happening, and allowed it, she tried to make me think it was False Memories Syndrome. When she found I was talking to my other siblings about it, she outcast me from the family by telling lies about me so that none will speak to me now. Anyway, next thing, I saw your vid sympathizing with Israel, after the Hamas attacks. I happen to know that Israeli intelligence created Hamas, and that Israeli intelligence created Mista Arvim (Hiding as Arabs) to make this excuse to wreak a genocide upon the Palestinian people, with 70,000 innocent civilians murdered (30,000 of them babies and children) -- whereas it was only a few Israeli soldiers killed in the original attack. What do you expect if you join the military? I see Palestine as the narcissist-scapegoat phenomenon -- on a grand scale. So when I saw your vid sympathizing with Israel, I unsubscribed. And I identify as an ethnic Jew, btw. However, now that you came out with this epic insight into the scapegoat-neurodivergent connection -- and saying that you are neurodivergent too -- I feel solidarity and sympathy with you again. And I trust that because you love the truth as much as I do -- then you will consider my insight into the Palestine-scapegoat event. And I hope you will stand with the many Jews, such as Jewish Voice For Peace, who are taking a stand against Israel's genocide of Palestinians. Israel is a criminal racket. Jews, Christians, and Muslims lived in peace in Palestine before Israel was created.

[@rachelb8863]

I don't relate at all to your neurodivergent experience. Your video up until that explanation was totally on point for me. I was scapegoated because I was intuitive , had critical thinking and a lot of integrity.. as a scapegoat I was ridiculed shamed and suppressed for my questions and my sensitivity in my narcissistic family

[@dnk4559]

Same I think I’m likely highly sensitive. Maybe that is also considered neuro divergent?

[@JT-np1op]

Wow. Wow. I am simply goin to echo other comments, described my family and life. I think these truthteller, neurodivergent also sometimes have incredible intellectual insight, that is very hard to verbalize, find ways to express very accurately. Sometimes this comes off as hurtful or arrogance to narcissists too, which only makes the position of neurodivergent that much more stressful/ hard to manage.

[@JoanKirk-jm5lh]

Rabbi, I love your channel! I am from New Zealand and I was the elected 'scapegoat' in the family system. It is true that it is usually the empath, the one with second sight, and yes, they get annoyed when we do well at at school, work, university etc. I am neurodivergent, have second sight, I have second sight too. I want them to heal but I have to keep my distance to keep safe. I'm lucky not to be addictive, I love the outdoors and nature and that does help heal me. Your compassion and insight is incredible. So awesome that you are combining your insights with ancient teachings and practical experience. Please keep your amazing thoughts coming 🙏 P.S. my only complaint is that you are sometimes a little too humble - you are very smart and have absolutely brilliant insight ❤ P. P. S. I have a sense/ theory there is a spiritual side to the 'truth teller'. I don't fully understand it all but it happens again and again - the empath is so often around the narcissistic people, I'd love to hear your thoughts on that side!!!

[@shellbellhealing]

It makes sense. The narc needs everyone to like them so they need to basically abuse the child into silence. Thats definitely what happened with me. I was so beaten down i didn't tell the truth to anyone until I was 32! I have always been naturally blunt and honest. Its purity I don't know how to lie but I learned silence is safer ❤

[@SoulWords]

It’s staggering to think how common this pattern is.

[@shellbellhealing]

@@SoulWords yes it's probably the most severe type of abuse but only becoming talked about and studied in recent times. I was so greatful to learn that there was language and studies to describe my experience. It validates that were not crazy after all ❤️

[@beasaroseco5840]

Emperors clothes. I always loved that story.

[@YAHAYAH_369]

Thank You For 🔯 Your Service 🌞🌈 Shalom, Brother ❤️‍🔥

[@jilligain3409]

Wow did that hit on point for me in a giant way. Why am I just now learning about this?? 😭

[@stay_at_home_astronaut]

THIS TRACKS WITH MY EXPERIENCE, PERFECTLY.