Never Get Angry? The 10 Hidden Ways Anger Shows Up - Terri Cole

[@terri_cole]

I'm curious to know: what is your relationship with anger? How do you suppress it? Which anger type seems to correlate with how you express your anger? Remember to download the guide for questions to help you become aware of & improve your relationship with anger: www.terricole.com/10-hidden-ways-anger-shows-up-guide

[@juliethomas3523]

Your work is indeed helping me, I appreciate your work so much. With the high expense of therapy I find these free videos as my only option to move forward in healing, and your words have absolutely lessened my suffering. ❤ Some of the things you've said have given me life-changing realizations and I simply cannot express how much I appreciate this work you're doing. I grew up with a highly reactive and angry mother with very serious and deep unhealed trauma and a father who never allowed his emotions to show, he still is stoic to this day despite being a therapist himself. I followed in my father's steps and went the repressive route, by codependency and forcing my needs and flashes of anger down to the point where I thought proudly that I don't get angry....and am just in the last couple of years coming to acknowledge my deep anger that I've not allowed myself to feel, and have discovered a seemingly bottomless well of anger that was there but locked away. I also have a childhood molestation on top of that unhealthy family culture, that created a very primal and intimidating level of anger that I've only been in contact with once. I was scared to let that out again so was in stasis with regard to that anger, so I greatly appreciate this video in particular. I'm also doing IFS therapy where we are taught there are no "bad parts" and this has really helped me to see that even though I don't have to necessarily give the anger full control of my behavior, I do have to acknowledge that I have an egregious historical deficit in acknowledging the validity of the feeling of anger. There is a reason I'm having this anger and it is valid. There is likely a more vulnerable feeling under the anger and I was taught by a therapist that I need to just go to that feeling underneath and address that...I think now that is another way to invalidate the anger and that lesson was incorrect. Anger needs validated and it's message heard, not bypassed entirely! Anger is no less valid than the powerlessness I feel underneath the anger! I haven't even watched your video yet but will watch your video now and I look forward to the wisdom therein. I am also finishing your Boundary Boss book that I have on audible. Thank you, again from the bottom of my heart.

[@MMM2World]

Anger and abuses led to tragedy in my family. I was the youngest so easiest to bully I guess. At 63, I have developed rigid boundaries in the past few years after a lifetime of being a total people pleaser/codependent. I have many of these coping mechanisms. I was gaslit much of my life with messages like “just get over it” and “quit dwelling on the past” “count your blessings” “smile more” etc. Some was good advice, but it was before the term PTSD was coined and afterwards, most people thought it only applied to war veterans. I survived, but am much happier being peaceful and quiet and not around too many people. I have a problem with groups and hierarchies. I would go to therapy, but can’t afford it and it’s a drag finding the right person. I’m doing pretty well, but the current election is stressing me out. I do meditate. That helps. Thanks for your amazing videos and books, TC! I haven’t read the new one yet, but I’m really grateful.

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️❤️ Meditation definitely helps keep me grounded! And you're so welcome- glad my videos are helpful.

[@MMM2World]

@@terri_coleThank you. That means a lot to me.

[@juliethomas3523]

​@@MMM2WorldI have a similar situation in being the youngest and easiest to bully and never put two and two together on how that skewed my relationship with hierarchy as well. You gave me a lightbulb moment, thanks!

[@M-xlz3]

If I don’t emotionally regulate in time, I’ll still find myself going back in to my old patterns. I sometimes get so mad where I can’t even think straight. (I’m a major conflict-avoidant person.) After yelling, I shutdown if I’m still mad. Thankfully, lately this hasn’t happened as strongly as it used to because I’ve learned how to calm myself down using Doug Noll’s work. But this topic is so fascinating to me. Thank you for explaining all of this, Terri.

[@terri_cole]

You're so welcome ❤️ Emotional regulation is such a huge part of this!

[@trevawhitmoyer682]

“Positive World Domination!” Go, Terri!!!🎉

[@terri_cole]

🙌 🙌 🙌

[@LadySunflower-52]

I get physically tired when I get angry even though I’ve had enough sleep. Thank you for this video!

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for sharing ❤️

[@denisel780]

This is SO GOOD!! Thank you! Angry journaling and hard physical activity are my two favorite go to's to release anger. They help so much!!

[@terri_cole]

Thanks for sharing, Denise! ❤️

[@kremzupa_69]

It's good to be aware. Helps to catch oneself in those moments and make a decision how to react. Thank you!

[@terri_cole]

Right on! ❤️

[@Maliilse75]

These days, I'm a bit curt to pretty much everyone. But I think the perimenopause has a lot to do with it! Would love to see you creating more videos on the subject! I go from content to fed up with everything in an instant!

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for sharing that ❤️ We experience sooo many changes during perimenopause, don't we? It's on my radar for content, although I'm going to be talking more about high-functioning codependency in light of my upcoming book launch. I highly recommend following my pal, Tamsen Fadal, as well as Dr. Mary Claire Haver for more on peri/menopause ❤️

[@Maliilse75]

@@terri_cole will do, thank you!

[@Maliilse75]

Pre-ordering your new book is on my to-do list btw! :)

[@terri_cole]

❤️❤️❤️

[@moen4645]

This episode on anger is so valuable and very interesting thank you so much Terri. Anger is a valid emotion but yet so much misinterpreted by others and also within ourselves when we feel it. I appreciate your psychological understanding and insights. 👏

[@terri_cole]

I'm so glad you found it helpful ❤️❤️

[@TheGoldenBone]

You’re so awesome. Thank you I hope you have a great day and that you’re book flies off the shelf! This is some good stuff. You are good stuff!

[@terri_cole]

Thank you so much, that warms my heart ❤️❤️

[@lindagross1288]

Hi Terri - another great episode! I started overeating and sabotaging myself esteem due to my anger and regrets from my past relationships. I am now seeing a Therapist who deals with overeating and binge eating. I am starting to learn new ways to deal with my anger instead of blaming myself and living with regrets. I used to yell and hang up on my siblings but now I can wait a bit to reply and get my thoughts in order. self sabatage has to stop! Learn self esteem! Your videos are a tremendous help! Thank you

[@terri_cole]

Way to go, Linda! I see you doing all the work 💕

[@mhlorenzo]

I do sarcasm and sometimes slamming doors. Working hard at it! Thank you Terri

[@terri_cole]

I see you 💕

[@VictoriaWalkden]

Thank you so much! I’m sharing this on my Facebook. I came across you via the Jonny Wilkinson I AM podcast. This information is so great. I’m definitely interested in your latest book

[@terri_cole]

Well thanks for being here, Victoria! Glad you found my channel 💕

[@naticaleb123]

So happy to have found your channel. Today’s message is God sent. It’s open a little door in mind regarding this topic of anger, which was tabooed for me growing up. I am subscribing, can’t wait to see all your videos, and I am extremely grateful for your advice. Thank you.

[@M-xlz3]

Welcome!! This is a great, safe space to learn about all things related to the human experience. Enjoy educating yourself and gaining wisdom from Terri. She’s is incredibly kind, by the way. You’ll love it here. (Also, as Terri often mentions, we definitely are a friendly group, so feel free to ask us questions or jump in to discussions.)

[@terri_cole]

I am so happy you found my channel, too ❤️ Welcome!

[@Lovely-lilith-asmr]

Thank you Terri❤

[@terri_cole]

You're so welcome ❤️

[@anitahaas5870]

Thanks so much for this. So appreciate your videos

[@terri_cole]

❤️❤️❤️

[@jayl1712]

This was amazing. Doing the guide now and jot down all the info. So many examples you gave resonated with me.

[@terri_cole]

I'm so glad to hear it was helpful ❤️

[@LisaSmith-hu7ep]

Thank you

[@terri_cole]

You're so welcome ❤️

[@TheEnding69]

Daym ya got me, I think I need to work on this. My first port of call is crying, then internal hate anger that causes self harm. I have a few times over the year, “lost control” and smashed something, i feel terrible then that leads to more self hatred. My current solution is to stay away from people, but I need to work on expressing healthy anger and I definitely will.

[@terri_cole]

I'm so glad this raised your awareness around your relationship to anger ❤️

[@odizzlej8827]

Thanks

[@terri_cole]

You're welcome!

[@MaryCodinaSpa]

@terri_cole yes to the grudge holding but not in the normal sense. I hold a grudge as an adult against myself for “failing” or not being where I’m “supposed” to be by now 40’s. Then I tell myself bs because when I try something new and it goes…sideways I get angry AND can’t express it..too much work to do..move on. Here’s more anger which is not allowed. I was told to go to my room anytime I was in a bad mood. Now I can’t hide from the mood and it keeps building. Vicious circle of grudge making. Very intriguing.

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion, Mary 💕

[@agneslindasoos9278]

Thank you so much for this video Terri, posted on my birthday 😊, I recognise myself in all these situations, and I also fell like I m on a healing journey now and I can express my feelings and emotions in a healthier way than before, so I can avoid to actually explose because of supressed anger as I used to before. Thank you so much, your videos help me to grow every day 🥰

[@terri_cole]

Happy Birthday! ❤️ And way to go for making progress and being able to healthily express your feelings!

[@agneslindasoos9278]

@@terri_cole Thank you so much Terri 🥰

[@anettas.1751]

video starts at 3:41

[@grantwtk]

My problem is that I am sometimes treated as a lightning rod by anyone, strangers or not, for various sometimes seemingly minor reasons and over time this as caused me to "check out". I have a list of these incidents over many years which still bother me and seem unfair. Is this common for everyone or is it just me?? However I am more lettings things go nowadays.

[@terri_cole]

I'm so sorry this has been your experience ❤️ Are you able to process these incidents by talking about it with a trusted pal or therapist, or by journaling about it? You have a right to your feelings about being treated this way.

[@moen4645]

@grantwtk. After reading your comment I thought that Terri's book Boundary Boss- might be very useful to you and how the process of understanding our emotions and being assertive goes~ I am happy to recommend this book to you. 👍

[@t_nels]

I have the feeling I didn't have any good indicator on my actions/my punishments. My brother did have a way to get me in trouble. I really feel like he resented me and I was a bother. Definitely when we moved and he excelled, I would say it was all about image around him. Then, he was civil and included me. When he graduated it was devastating for me to be alone. He is in Europe for the rest of summer. My father is in hospice. It was hard when we all parted. I am dealing with the feelings now. The way it had been was like an other life ago. Long not thought of, internalized. I feel, even now, I am expected to hold no anger or resentments. I'm just trying to look at it for answers.

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion 💕

[@t_nels]

@@terri_cole I have made an appointment for therapy and I found your video 'Answering Qs About Anger' hopeful.

[@terri_cole]

I'm so glad to hear that ❤️ I hope it goes well!

[@anatgsimoes]

I have most of those signs 😭😭😭😭

[@terri_cole]

I see you 💕

[@Officialjessicasanchez7]

So dealing with a narcissist, should I express my anger or just gray rock?

[@terri_cole]

What does your gut say? Have you expressed anger with them in the past and if so, how did they respond? Was their response positive or constructive? Generally, it's not worth it only because narcissists refuse to take responsibility for things, and it may only give them supply. And if they're dangerous or prone to violence, I would definitely say no- keep yourself safe!

[@Officialjessicasanchez7]

@@terri_cole thanks for the reply 😊 in order to keep myself safe I will not reply with anger. But I will keep gray rocking. They aren’t normal people. They blame everybody but themselves. It’s such a waste of time. But I hate keeping the resentment inside sometimes.

[@Officialjessicasanchez7]

@@terri_cole I will def keep myself safe 🙏🫶✨

[@terri_cole]

It is so exhausting to deal with and I hear you on the resentment. Are you able to journal about it or share your feelings with an emotionally safe and trustworthy person? I would try and process it however you can (safely) so you don't keep it bottled up inside ❤️

[@Officialjessicasanchez7]

@@terri_cole thank you 🙏🩵I will

[@MyDuckSaysFucc]

I have chronic pain/illness so my mood can swing heavily from very calm and collected to angry and too tired to talk. I grew up in a family with one domineering parent who is completely intolerant of anger. Not violent but verbally quite harsh in times of stress. I used to SH to cope but stopped several years ago. Sometimes an unhealthy way to cope is just one stepping stone in a healing process. I wish my family could grow but both parents are emotionally mature so I just can’t have a relationship with them on an emotional level at all. I’m not sure how to have an intellectual or emotional connection with everyone because conversations end up feeling bland, I definitely feel more comfortable alone not relying on people for anything.

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion 💕

[@susantalebzadeh9741]

Me too