I Refuse To Date in My 40's! Unless...

[@Kontroversial84]

I'm 40 and I realized that I can't do it. I don't want to be alone. But the amount of work I have to put in to make sure somebody isn't tryna take advantage of me is exhausting.

[@agbaya1000]

THIS!

[@thatlovegirl12]

I don’t think dating is ever easy for black women. I’m in my early 30s so it saddens me to hear that black women are giving up on love in their 40s. But dating was also hard for me at 18-19 and in my 20s. I tried swirling but this microagressions aren’t for me.

[@pink1237480]

I'm going to be 30 and I gave up dating last year. I'm done can't trust anyone to not use me.

[@thepragmatist]

Agree. You really do need to vet people.

[@jdeux3677]

You know the pandemic led me to my husband, because I had given up as well, and I had sooo many plans and dating was NOT in the cards. Doing the pandemic, I realized it shouldn't be like this. I met my now husband at the end of the 1st year of the pandemic, and that man was serious from the GO, which is what I wanted.

[@labellecongolaise]

One lesson I've learned is to be content in whatever status you find yourself. There are people in marriages who wish they could be single.

[@noble604]

There’s a lot of truth to that. The married friends and family I have, the wives are running ragged. Yes, the husbands are gainfully employed, even do well, but these women do so much. No walk in the park there either.👀

[@Thrivegrl24]

This is the ☝🏾

[@Gunngirl]

That’s her whole point. She’s not content just in her singlehood and it’s not enough to just say give up and be happy alone and not still have that longing. That’s rough. People in bad marriages say stay single and of course they will say that.

[@labellecongolaise]

@@Gunngirl being content doesn’t mean accepting the situation. It means to keep living your life to the fullest while awaiting your blessings. My comment was to remind everyone to just keep living their life to the fullest.

[@QueenQueenly]

I know a gorgeous woman. She is afraid to leave her marriage. She’s miserable. She feel stuck. It’s heartbreaking

[@princessm8977]

Dating and relationships are 90% luck. Once we realize how little control we have, we will be free.

[@lianadotjpeg]

This. 🤷‍♀️ "Luck," and miracles from God. Otherwise, it's not possible.

[@nomessnostress]

I feel this way

[@jjamerican93]

That’s really it. And it’s all the more reason why society needs to leave single people alone.

[@alisha1377]

I agree!

[@EOlaCasas]

@@princessm8977 Right? I wish I'd have known this sooner because I was really working to "achieve" a relationship for way too long.

[@Monicamojito]

I’m sorry I know you’re on your soap box right here but I need to let you know all that time you spent working on yourself - it shows. The emotional intelligence and grace, it shows ten fold. A partner would be so so lucky to have you. There are so many women in my life in their 40s and 50s who have a partner and a family and haven’t spent ONE day working on themselves and considering what it is they bring to this Earth all on their own - and it shows. Your personality and your views feel like a breath of fresh air. I hope you find exactly what you’re looking for. ❤️

[@jessicahitchens6926]

She had no choice...we don't get a choice in this world. I'm the same as her just a different ethnicity etc. Many just sleep walk through their lives.

[@camiba6773]

@@Monicamojito absolutely. The issue is that many men are broken and don't work on themselves. So you have a heal person and broken person trying to fit and it just will not work.

[@ddanielsmc]

​​@@jessicahitchens6926please try to stay positive and not close yourself off. You have q lot to offer the world. Shine brightly - you never know what will happen nex.

[@ddanielsmc]

​@@jessicahitchens6926please try to stay positive and not close yourself off. You have q lot to offer the world. Shine brightly - you never know what will happen next.

[@jozzz222]

So many broken ppl roam the Earth 🌎💔 Steph is a true gem and light indeed ✨🫶🏽

[@meganscott1219]

I’m 33.. single, celibate, and not actively dating and don’t think I will return to the dating market. I always used to romanticize being in a relationship but Id end up being with men that are immature, emotionally immature, liars, cheaters, the list goes on. I’m now spending my time going on solo dates, hanging out with friends, traveling, going to church, and focusing on finances/career/my future.

[@jozzz222]

I’m 33 too and same for me as well ❤

[@snippetx1632]

I'm 30 and right there with you!

[@simply6eCo]

32 and same! inact Ive never fallen in love or like someone a lot and I use to think something is wrong with me. Sometimes I still think that but I've also accepted myself somewhat in that regard.

[@Gabster1990]

@@meganscott1219 same. I have been single for a year.

[@WoodyDinosaur21]

What’s the meaning of getting a career if you can’t build generational wealth. You are literally working for nothing.

[@lilninie836]

I'm 41 and no longer interested in dating. I don't even like men like that anymore and I'm not gay! It's dangerous and a waste of time.

[@queenmisanthrope]

Girl you are me, I’m 30 but I swear I’m not gay but I might as well be but still won’t be with a woman, just content by myself.

[@ugleestepsistr]

heavy on dangerous

[@kayabe856]

@@ugleestepsistrall I have to say is…P DIDDY

[@lisasykes624]

What 😮😢....

[@pelagegris]

Dangerous 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

[@1lazu]

That zoom-in at "He has a job" & the silence that followed? I cracked up! I'm sorry but your ability to lighten the mood & comedic timing are impeccable 😂 🎉

[@andreyamatthew2006]

Yessssss She's so good at it🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾

[@truthteller816]

Girl, I was thinking the SAME thing as I quickly creep people's thumbnail pics 😅. But, in all honesty though, something is seriously wrong with our society right now as there's an unprecedented amount of single women these days.

[@erudite81]

I was weak!!! I had to rewind that part because I laughed so hard i missed whatever she said next.

[@CreditSolutionist]

This video captures how many of us 40 and close-to-40 women are feeling. I haven't opted out completely, as I still believe my person is out there. I'm just not holding my breath for him to appear. If it happens, it happens. If not, the earth will still spin and taxes will be due.

[@tranquilbakergentletraveller]

Same here

[@f.taigne3610]

I agree with this creator about dating. If it is truly meant to be, we shouldn't have to exhaust ourselves pursuing a healthy relationship. However, you'd be surprised how many 40+ women are still fertile. I was like this creator at 40yrs old (single & convinced that motherhood was not an option for me) I got pregnant naturally at 42 & now my daughter is 5. And I just read about actress Trina McGee getting pregnant at 54. Black Women have always defied the "rules" of Western medicine.

[@CreditSolutionist]

@@f.taigne3610 People ask me all the time if I think it's too late to have kids, and my answer is emphatically no. If God has kids & a husband in my plan, I'm here for it ❤️

[@50shantel]

Agree as well 38years old and feel this way

[@rogers5622]

​@@f.taigne3610absolutely.there are many of us in the early 50s who are definitely still fertile ..meno doesn't always show up in the 40s

[@dominiquejohnson4405]

You saying, “you could’ve worked at a lot of companies but worked at the ones that HIRED you” explained everything that I’ve wanted to say.

[@user-of9bx1uk3u]

What’s that!?

[@aurelieanfinejewellerylond5995]

@@dominiquejohnson4405 Agreed, we make jewellery for many couples and women, many women tell us, which we believe to be true, " you can only pick from those men who want you" some men just don't want a certain type of woman and sadly some women just dont get picked.

[@michaelboulware1240]

There were plenty of jobs that you were overqualified for.....we only talk about the jobs we wanted that we didn't get, as opposed to the companies that wanted us that we turned down.

[@goodvibezz9216]

@@michaelboulware1240 But you're going to turn certain jobs down, that's the whole point of applying for multiple jobs. It'll be jobs that you want but don't get, then jobs that wanted you but what they were offering sucked. So you try to make the best selection based on what you can negotiated based on your needs! Anybody just accept "whatever" to have something, some ppl desire whats truly right for them.

[@krystaltaylor8634]

I would not fear older men for the reason you gave. Every older man does not want children or more children.

[@Kelema86]

I would like to point out a few things about men’s fertility because I see a lot of discourse online about women’s biological clocks but almost never anything about men’s. Men can theoretically father children into their 50s, 60s, 70s or later. But it’s important to note that men too become less and less fertile as they age. Their sperm count decreases as well as their sperm quality and sperm motility. Also there is an increase of abnormal sperm which might increase the risk of miscarriages as well as a higher risk for genetic abnormalities. Not to mention that issues like low testeront levels and erectile dysfunction is more common in older men can also affect the ability to father children. These things happen gradually and vary greatly between individuals but men should be aware that they too might find it very hard to father children as they age. So this idea that women become infertile at 40 while men remain virile and can have babies effortlessly into their 80s or 90s needs to die. Also, even if a man theoretically can have kids in his 60s or 70s or later it doesn’t mean he should. I love Robert deNiro but having a kid in his 80s is so selfish because we all know he most likely won’t even live to see that child graduate. Might not even live to see the child start first grade. There is a time for everything in life and at the age he is at he should be focusing on grandkids or his health not having babies of his own. But that’s just my opinion.

[@biancadesousa]

My father was extremely old when he had me versus being in his 20's when he had my siblings. I am the only one with chronic health issues. I had a ton of genetic issues from birth and as I get older, they get worse. I'm now on disability at 25 and I will never work because my health is so bad. I know it's probably not the only reason but seeing how healthy my siblings are even though they're significantly older than me I just think that has to be a factor right? So my point is that older men absolutely shouldn't be having children. It's selfish honestly.

[@uscitizen3252]

OMG, thank you! Not to mention the huge generational gap as well. My father was in his 40's when he had my siblings and I, and we could never get on the same page when it came to conversing. He was also a Caribbean immigrant raising American kids so even more cultural differences to deal with. He was 64 when I graduated HS.

[@rogers5622]

Yes 👍🏽 I have ONE friend who actually admitted to this . That old sperm is not always good either .

[@TeKeyaKrystal]

good point about men’s decline in fertility in later adult years .. plus , men don’t even have the testosterone they used to ! recently , I saw a post from Dr. Peter Attia about how the average male in his 30s now has x-amount percent LOWER testosterone than the average male in his 30s the previous generation . I’m in my 20s and see why I’m either attracted to older men (of the generation with those higher testosterone levels) or men in their early 20s whose testosterone levels haven’t dropped off yet how that of my peers and men slightly older than me have

[@noemita494]

Men that brag about the possibility to have children in old age are not to be trusted.

[@tranquilbakergentletraveller]

I'm 41 going on 42 and I love seeing the comments from ladies in their 40s and older. Life doesn't end at 40. Let's keep on representing!

[@MindinMyBizBeinNosey]

Yes!!! Love it!! I'm a 43 divorced women and I'm approach just as much as I was at 23 but don't feel like tampering with my peace. I don't even give my number out! As soon as the man stops me, I say sorry, I'm not dating have a nice day. As I proceeded to walk fast as hell. 🤣🤣🤣 I'm offered so many dates but can't remember the last time I actually went on one And DGAF either! 🤣🤣🤣 I go on my single date rights, go sit at the bar, order of my porterhouse steak and my glass of wine, pay for it myself, go home to take 2 hours to have my spa time before I go to sleep knowing I don't owe someone s*x for food. 😁💅🏾💆🏾‍♀️🧘🏾‍♀️🍷💨

[@thatosegopolo9072]

Iam 41 and I don't care anymore about dating.

[@aurelieanfinejewellerylond5995]

Doesn't end, but sadly for a large family or even a family it does for those that want it.

[@ang8574]

Same! Turning 40 in a few months ❤❤

[@prettybrwneyez7757]

@@MindinMyBizBeinNoseythis right here ❤

[@stopandsmelltheflowers26]

So many single, attractive women who have their stuff together in these comments. Something is very wrong in this world…and it’s not us 😅

[@puseletsotsilo]

Most definitely ❤

[@candace_cane]

Needed this reassurance!! Thank you! 💜

[@Tessy29k]

​​@IdkIdk-e1c I have to agree sadly it seems that for some bizzare reason women STILL haven't learned that looks have very little to do with getting and maintaining a healthy longterm relationship where the man treats you well and provides. Looks or being attractive has never been enough to keep a relationship stable or stop any man cheating. Men move heaven and earth for women they truly love no matter what they look like. It's about your standards, expectations, ENERGY and your AURA as a woman!

[@stopandsmelltheflowers26]

@IdkIdk-e1c I said “who also have their stuff together”. Why did you decide to ignore that part? Everyone knows by now that attraction only gets you so far.

[@spythe]

LMAO

[@KalaRiggins]

It’s me sitting here listening to one of my fav creators and hearing you begin to describe the title and I’m like Wayment… 🧐 that sounds like me… then to look up at the tv and it issssss meeee you’re referencing! 😅 Thank you for your kind words about my set. 💕 I’ve watched you for years and you are on my dream guest list for my podcast! Keep creating! People like me see you! 🫶🏾

[@firandcurly84]

Yes invite her the banter would be so nuanced, honest. Fulfilling, reassuring.

[@HoneyGold-o3r]

Yes!! She's back. Welcome back, stephco 🎉

[@nomessnostress]

My thoughts ❤

[@darfalina]

you lasted longer than I did. I decided when I turned 30 that I would no longer be dating or entertaining males in any capacity. It makes absolutely no sense to me why dating has to be an endurance test for me because I was born black and female but dating gets to be a fun experience for males where women fall all over themselves to prove how worthy they are. hard pass. and I have zero regrets. the last eight years have been very peaceful and I got to discover alot about what makes me happy.

[@emhu2594]

honey it's not easier for white women. All women have to "endure." All women are expected to "endure." the meager benefits if any just don't justify any of that for me.

[@darfalina]

@@emhu2594 i was talking about myself. im not a white woman. my only comparison was between myself and males. hope this helps.

[@anr841]

Good for you! Wish I had made the same decision

[@Lisette121]

I think many of us are just burnt out. Getting the same results over and over eventually turns you off. The last date I was on in 2021 gave me ptsd. I was so excited to go on a date with this guy. He had told me previously that he was in school to be a physical therapist, come to find out, when we met up, he dropped out of school. Also after our date we took a walk on the beach at night, me thinking we'll look up at the stars and listen to the ocean while chatting, turned into him asking me to get on all fours so he can stk' it.... I was so disappointed and traumatized. Nothing happened, but I'm tired of trying to date for romance and getting guys who aren't serious about commitment and life in general. No goals, no ambitions etc etc. And I'm so tired of the "choose better" argument. Beggars can't be choosers. Sounds harsh, but it's my experience.

[@kitokosworld]

@Lisette121 I am so sorry you experienced that. I understand the "beggars can't be choosers" sentence. I want to say that when I went through the same thing, after deciding to give up, I started investing in myself in terms of my hobbies, seeing friends, reading... And it helped me not feel like a beggar. It made me feel that for once, I was free from seeking love and then for someone to approach me romantically, they would need to be amazing to get close enough to get my attention.

[@jdeux3677]

So sorry you experienced that

[@Lisette121]

@@kitokosworld that makes sense. Ty

[@Tessy29k]

This sounds horrible so sorry about your experience.

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

Well that was a hella nasty experience to go through. At least you're still here. Was it your first date? Being with a strange man in an isolated place is never a good idea. Please Google EMDR and EFT about ways to deal with PTSD.

[@Peinaj]

I resonate with this so deeply. I refer back to your following quote quite often, "It's hard to let go when nothing ever stays"- this video is the evolved version of that, in the sense that you are no longer reaching and holding on if you know it won't stay. Despite not knowing you personally, I root for you.

[@carolinesimeon4361]

I personally love your “woe core” content, it’s just relatable asf to everyone so thank you

[@TheMrCodyLopez]

I'm amazed how transparent you are because this is one of the most relatable videos I've seen in a long while 🙌

[@adams8830]

Same! I hate that she gets so much crap for being vulnerable when a lot of people relate to what she says.

[@dcoci]

I feel for you and I know it's hard. I've never been pursued by anybody i didn't think was a loser or weirdo, and anybody Ive been interested in would have at best, accepted me as a casual sex toy. So this resulted in me not genuinely dating anybody or experiencing real intimacy, and I'm 31. I hope that you receive what you have been longing for someday, but I will say, though I have sympathy for your hardships and romantic suffering....selfishly I appreciate that it resulted in you sharing all of this because I like your company in this life experience and you talk about it very honestly and intelligently.

[@jjamerican93]

Thank you for sharing your experience. What’s different now is that we’re talking with each other, given our similar experiences. This will help us all immensely. ❤

[@07ikkin]

Same. I'm close in age and have never even had a Valentine/Valentine's date 🥴

[@fivemargaritasonly]

Same, I just feel like all these men want to do is use me. I've had opportunities to pursue a long term relationship, however every time I think deeper it feels like I'd have to sacrifice so much of myself. And I've come to understand that I'm not capable of giving myself away like that to a man (they are so unreliable) . I can count on myself, and self actualize while single.

[@MsLotusBlooms]

Gosh, if you look like your photo, that is very reassuring. You are conventionally attractive and if you're struggling then that means it's really bad out there!

[@arieschild5792]

@dcoci What qualities attracted you to the men you were interested in?

[@bkstandard882]

Dating is only fun if you're everybody's type. I hate how true that is.

[@jessicahitchens6926]

Dating is fun when you are a youngster and it's a novelty. I never found it fun overall. It's just code for $ex with no investment the last 15 years. Women should be compensated for their time as well. The milk was never free.

[@adams8830]

This is true. If you're not a certain level of attractive or your features deviate from societal norms (very tall women, very short men, obese, etc) dating is not a fun experience and it doesn't matter how many dating tips you apply.

[@Thrivegrl24]

Everybody’s type aka the societal preference is getting played too .

[@Papiup18]

38 year old man here. What I love about your videos is it humanizes women's dating experience. As a decent looking, in fairly good shape, solid career man Ill get turned down 98% of the time and it makes you feel like most women control their own fate. There's a whole thought process or reprogramming a man will go through as well. Meeting someone who appreciates you is tough and men and women don't provide any sense of grace to one another.

[@justmyopinions-godbless3570]

Young man, seek the Lord 1st and pray for a godly wife who will be your helpmate.

[@jones2277]

@@Papiup18 beautifully said

[@jones2277]

@@justmyopinions-godbless3570maybe they can be each other’s helpmate.

[@danahousley-preaster2865]

Its not as hard as you're making it

[@Simplyhowiseeit]

Very well said. It benefits us greatly to see how the opposite sex feels/

[@relaxlibrary4249]

I agree with you on the fallacy of "just choose better." We choose based on who is available and the information we are given about them, so if they aren't completely honest and distort the facts, we can't make an informed choice. It's only after some investment of emotion that we discover someone lied or we find out that they aren't a match for us. Once you make the break, you have to take time to heal. As far as the age thing, I would say no more than 10 years difference younger or older. All your other points are totally valid. Dating apps and social media have made dating impossible. People have been led to believe that they have more options because we have access to more people. Also, folks just have shorter attention spans so if something isn't perfect, they move on to the next or scroll to medicate themselves. Constant comparison and immediate access to people have been detrimental to our social lives.

[@noble604]

That 10yr thing - up or down - is real. There has to be (imo) a common life timeframe that you can share. Cultural references, coming of age, social rules, etc. To be with somebody 25 years older or younger than you is seriously a whole nother world

[@Douglass10]

If you’re with someone and an issue arise and you think you’re no longer a match the problem is you guys and the lack of resilience you two have. Marriages 10,30,40 50+ yrs together all have rough patches and it’s up to you and your partner to fix things and make it work. Those who do last and those who won’t dont. No marriage or long lasting relationships is ice cream and rainbows. Good, bad and ugly days but when you look at the whole picture it’s more good days.

[@relaxlibrary4249]

@@Douglass10 Two people not being a match and handling issues that come up are two different things. I was talking about the common refrain of "choose better" being problematic because people say it when two people aren't a match. People get to be who they are in a relationship. It's no one's job to change the other person. Each person gets to decide if who the other person is works for them. What hinders that process is if the other person isn't honest from the start.

[@Ameejack]

Im soon to be 35 and man it’s really tough out here, you put forth your best efforts and sometimes it still doesn’t feel like enough. Then you got the internet shaming you if you hit this point without kids and a husband. I just try my best to remain open, positive, and taking it one day at a time!! Stay encouraged ladies ❤

[@artis_1001]

I’m convinced that single people age more gracefully than those who are habitually partnered

[@xguy9999]

When you paired with the right one, you can both age gracefully. My wife and I are both in our 40s, been married 20 years, and people always comment how good we look.

[@ShadaeMastersAstrology]

I’ve been married for over a decade and I’m complimented each and every time I reveal my age. It feels good 😊 I never gained excessive weight, I fast often, drink plenty of water and have been active, a ton with my children when they were younger. Lifestyle choices and great genetics.

[@deesdees324]

@@ShadaeMastersAstrology I’m sorry, but this is not the norm for most married women. Marriage is more beneficial to men than women, women are healthier when single and childless. There’s numerous studies for this.

[@born2reign90]

As someone who is also 40 , with a 13 year old child...this resonates so much. I'm too tired to try to act like I care. Too tired to go through the motions. And to be totally honest, I no longer feel like I need marriage...a partnership maybe but it will have to definitely be on my terms. I have so many friends who are married yet they are miserable. And I refuse to settle for the sake of sparing myself from the judgement of others-who most of the time are miserable. Because my happy married friends aren't the ones judging me...its the unhappy ones. I'm living life on my terms and no longer worried about anyone else. 😊

[@born2reign90]

@IdkIdk-e1c 😂😂😂😂 baby, if that what you got...that's what you got. I have spent most of my life pleasing others so I am very much in my selfish season and no apologies will be made.

[@TW-hg7nt]

A partnership on one persons terms doesn’t make sense.

[@marie-francoiset9402]

@@TW-hg7nt sure it does. she has boundaries and standards. if those aren't met she won't partake. women compromising themselves into oblivion is the problem.

[@TW-hg7nt]

@@marie-francoiset9402 true but then is she willing to compromise on some things for her partner as well? If so you have a partnership. If not a dictatorship

[@patricebright4182]

I completely give up on dating. I’ve never seen a good example of a black man being faithful and honest with his wife or girlfriend. All the men in my family cheat on their woman. My grandfather, my father, my uncles, my brothers, my cousins. Despite how much they claim to love their mothers, sisters, and daughters. I have always been harassed and hit on by men. Them not seeing me but a body they wanted to screw. I know my step father cheats and secretly mistreats my mom while pretending to be a loving husband. He takes advantage of her being very sick and now depending on him. The one brother I had that I just knew was a good man has recently cheated on his wife and after being married for over a decade and having a son, he now says he’s not attracted to her and he wants a divorce. She will have to move out her house and move into an apartment while taking care of their son, while he gets to move on with the Hispanic women he met at work. I never dated a black man for fear that they would be related or cheat so I married a Hispanic man. After being in a long hard 18 year relationship, he cheated, hit me, called me names and used me for money. Now I’m a single mother in her late 30’s after spending nearly all my teen, all my 20’s and some of my 30’s with this one man never dating any other person. I get called shameful names by these men on social media and hearing people making horrible assumptions about me. All while my ex husband dates lives, child free, rent free, and refusing to pay child support. Then I have to worry about these same time of predators lurking around my child. Woman keep yourself safe.

[@peacelove7437]

Date out!! They definitely do 😊

[@GenuinelyGiGi]

@@peacelove7437 she said that her ex-husband is Hispanic

[@ariasavirgo9171]

Wow... wishing you so much love. Thank you for sharing your story, it does not go unnoticed nor unappreciated.

[@anr841]

I don’t blame you. If I ever draw up the courage to get a divorce, I’ll never date again either. Men are not worth the misery

[@jozzz222]

You ever heard of limerence? I think with a lot of women we get caught up in that with the fantasy or what we want it to be vs reality. I’m trying to conquer it myself. I’ve made improvements lol but it’s hard when your dreams are so much better than what’s out in the real world 😪

[@zee-zm1io]

Omg what I realised is that I can go for a man based on one factor and then create a whole fantasy based on that. I’ll see a man in his element eg st a speaking event. Then I project that he’s amazing and confident. Until I actually spend time with them and they just don’t meet my fantasy. Trying to heal from this too. I’m always praying to an accept people for who they are.

[@sunshinegrace3293]

I can relate. Being a pisces is so challenging with dating. Head in the clouds... dreams, hope and fantasy. Then come back down to earth and sigh... not even close.

[@EOlaCasas]

I'm unlearning limerence myself, too.

[@aidak3341]

Girls it’s such a Pisces thing 😓 so difficult to not imagine the best scenarios if someone just smiles at you lol

[@amyV10844]

@@sunshinegrace3293 haha I have pisces moon everything squaring Neptune. Younger me would make a whole fantasy about a man who did nothing to except smile a certain way and it would go on for years ! Thank god I snapped out of it.

[@MichelleseaChelle]

Your depth of analysis is incredible. I love your vids.

[@justagirl4627]

Right. It's always spot on. I also love how she addressed the "You couldv'e chosen or picked better" trophe from the manospehere. We can only pick from the options in front of us.

[@BrickCity8919]

I love when I hear women being secure in being single because I hate hearing stories of women and children being abused. I’d prefer everyone opt out rather than put up with nonsense I adore my husband, I love him so much, I hope we die at the same time so we don’t have to live without each other. HOWEVER, if he wasn’t amazing, I would not feel that way. And I HATE that there are people out there putting up with nonsense all for a title. It’s not worth it. If he isn’t all the things, be single. Don’t accept abuse. Don’t accept less.

[@thobi3137]

I'm 26 and I feel the exact same way. From never having an experience where a man meets all the criteria, to men that say want to have a family but a valentine and birthday gift (three weeks apart, I'm a fellow pisces) is inconceivable to them. I'm benching myself.

[@tyd8077]

Yes. Men want the moon and the stars while being inherently selfish. The math doesn't work out.

[@PhocusUntil]

Uploaded 14 seconds ago? And I clicked I have a problem 😂Missed you so much Steph !

[@melyseda]

Omg, Steph, the way I can totally relate to your experience. I feel so validated because my friends make me feel like I'm the reason for being single and not being desirable by men.

[@lk3397]

@@melyseda Don’t listen to them. Those aren’t true friends if they are unrealistic.

[@Naomi-o1z]

Get new friends

[@puseletsotsilo]

Girl ditch your friends, there is nothing you can do to get anybody to act right the dating pool is 💩

[@rheaanne1858]

@@melyseda Get new friends! You don't need such negativity in your life!

[@Tessy29k]

You don't have friends, you have commentators.

[@fantasiazplatkami]

Im 41 and also stopped forcing anything.

[@hellostephco84]

You get it!

[@fantasiazplatkami]

​@@hellostephco84thanks, I'm open to love , but no more over-trying or doing things i dont like to meet somebody ( like going to clubs, losing sleep and hope for a prince there)

[@Lynndra80]

I feel this so much. I tried bumble and didn’t have any luck.

[@fantasiazplatkami]

@@Lynndra80 Internet dating is hard, men want the youngest (in the reasonable range of course) and most beautiful they can get, ladies want the most attractive and most resourceful guy they can get, and most people dont find what they look for.

[@Tessy29k]

​@@fantasiazplatkami I actually met my well of fiance on a dating app and he treats me extremely well and my sister met her wealthy husband of 12 years on a dating app. I have a LOT of experience with dating apps and have been monitoring the behaviorism on them since I was 18.😊 I think they work more than you realise. Now there are a LOT of worthless men on there but sadly a lot of women don't actually know how to use the apps properly and stay on them endlessly for months or years at a time, meeting the same type of people on the apps which is NOT the correct way to use an app. The longer you are on the apps the less likely you are to find someone decent. Its not about how long you spend its about how well you maximise your time on the app while there.

[@teoleno4019]

The older I get, the more money I get, the less likely I want anything to do with males.

[@itsjenscott6320]

This is me ❤

[@Nekole1]

Same.

[@puseletsotsilo]

😂this

[@jjamerican93]

Yeah…

[@jdeux3677]

😂 I understand

[@RobinZK67]

Also, I am married. Long story… but in all transparency, I resonate with you because sometimes, I feel like even though I married the love of my life, I’m not the love of his life and have had some humiliations and disloyalties from him. It’s easy for me to say, I’m married, but I still love him and I’m still waiting to give up but I haven’t gotten there. Your experiences make me feel like we are all just out here trying our best. And I’m glad I found your content.

[@noble604]

This is honest. I thank you for sharing. 🙏🏽

[@marlyb176]

Hey, as a young single woman, I really appreciate your transparency. So many married women may be going through what you’ve unfortunately experienced, but can often be defensive when single women express our concerns. I hope you receive the love and clarity you need. Your desire to not give up might stem from codependency or even trauma bonding, but I understand it’s easier said than done. Sometimes, we have to come to terms with the reality of the situation, no matter how difficult that may be.

[@Tessy29k]

This is really sad to hear. I'm sorry your're experiencing that. I am of the firm mind that a man should love you more than you do him but the respect must also be there. When he respects you it stops him from doing a lot of actions or putting you in situations that may harm you or hurt you. It's very possible to love someone and NOT respect them which is why some men find it easy to humiliate you, but many women don't understand this until they start experiencing it sadly.

[@RobinZK67]

@@marlyb176 I cannot say it isn’t codependency. But I can say, that our children are a huge factor. But most importantly, and maybe saddest of all is I am still madly in love with him.

[@marlyb176]

@@RobinZK67 I understand. What makes you madly in love of you don’t mind me asking ? You do not have to share

[@LydiaDeetz11]

WELCOME BACK TO YOUR FAMILY STEPHCO! WE ALL HAVE ABSOLUTELY MISSED YOU AND ADORE, RESPECT AND CHERISH YOUR INSIGHT MUCH LOVE 🤟

[@IntentlyPurposeful]

I'm 50 and NO THANK YOU. I do not want to be thoughtful of ANYONE but myself. I'm DEFINITELY not spending ANY money. No thank you.

[@shirleywhitehurst7569]

@IntentlyPurposeful Hello, I'm 50, and my thoughts exactly!!! NO THANK YOU. I AM GOOD.

[@itsjenscott6320]

The worst thing I'd having to consider somebody who you know wouldn't consider you.

[@danahousley-preaster2865]

Youre 50. Dating wasnt designed for 50 yr old ppl

[@Kalergiplansupporter]

Your 50 so your gonna have to do something

[@Tessy29k]

​@@danahousley-preaster2865 That's very ageist tbh 50 year old are still people with desires.

[@tameraweatherspoon2320]

It was the 1. "He's attractive 2. He has a job then pause...😂😂😂 I died laughing. Yes Stephanie I definitely get it. Peace and blessings to you❤

[@Lisette121]

I totally get the blank stare

[@Gunngirl]

In your previous video about diddy and mediocre men, when you said you were never the girl who was in the scene and randomly invited to the parties. I loved it because that’s been my experience my whole life and it feels refreshing to hear another woman say that. I’m usually bombarded with videos of women saying we need to ignore men banging down our doors and I’m like who? Not my door. So I can relate to you and love this video. I like seeing someone stepping back but still wanting love. We’re being told to forget it and we’re ridiculous for still chasing it. It’s not wrong to want to be loved and desired.

[@CAcutie1978]

I'm 46 and I have the same sentiments. Life, through time and memorial, has been difficult for me. Then you sprinkle in dating, especially with black men, and trying to find someone who was honest, ready for marriage, disease free and working all in one person, was quite the struggle. I will FULLY devote my time, the rest of my time on earth to caring for myself, travelling the world, praying for my family and world peace, taking care of animals in my life and donating to animal charities/shelters. I will absolutely not devote another moment of my life worried about love and dating. In my opinion, it was a waste of time from the beginning..

[@Tessy29k]

If you're a bw you should definitely be raising your standards and expanding your dating options to other groups of men simultaneously. It's a winning combination.

[@Rezziekasnezzi]

What a great video. It resonated with me so much. I too am one of those people who has been dealt a bad hand in life, whether it be relationships or career. Words cannot express, how validating it is when you speak on these things as if you have read my mind. I too am always told better days are ahead or it just wasn’t meant to be so get over it and move on. I too get those comments like “I can’t believe all this has happened to you, you must be doing something wrong.” And for the first time in my life, I have decided to just let go and stop trying so hard because it has never paid off. For example, i’m not trying to build a career anymore. I have a decent job I can tolerate and keeps me comfortable. I’m tired of living in hope and exerting so much energy. I have nothing more to possibly try or give. I’ve tried it all. It doesn’t delight me to know others struggle like me but it makes me feel like I’m not crazy or manifesting this bad luck on to myself. And honestly watching your videos on these kinds of topics keep me sane. You videos help me I realise i’m not a bad luck charm, some of us are just dealt bad hands. And show me that despite this, we can still laugh and live well. Thank you Steph, you are a blessing.

[@mayowa60]

the biggest thing i like about your videos is your honesty. they be kinda sad though but they are honest and genuine. you're like the black pill for women

[@briajohnson414]

Child!!! My most recent experience from hinge has definitely put me in the timeout corner… he was older and now “divorced” now that I’m out of the situation I honestly think he was married but he mirrored me perfectly to get me hooked… when his mask started falling off I had to cut it short… baby these houston streets are not for the weak 🥺

[@roxy4325]

Ooop, I caught a typo. It's not Houston streets. Pretty sure you meant to type "earth streets"😂 Cause ALL THE STREETS ON THIS PLANET ARE TRASH 😂😂😂😂

[@Yoyou00]

Dating apps are for microwave men 🤢 It’s a term coined by this youtuber called Tomisin. He basically means that men who want ‘that thing’ quick and easy all flock to those apps. They’ve been infested 😭

[@Tessy29k]

​@@Yoyou00 That's not necessarily true.😊 My sister met her wealthy husband to be on a dating app and now they have been married for 12 years with 2 beautiful kids in a big house in London. I also met my well off European fiancé on a dating app and now I am expecting my first child and he loves and provides so much for me. ❤ The reality is the decent and high quality men on the dating app, find someone they like and leave the app FAST. My fiance was off the app 2 weeks after meeting me and my B.I.L was off the app 3 weeks after meeting my sister. All the other people just languish on the dating apps for months playing each other. That's why if you can't find a decent man on a dating app within 3 to 4 months it's best to get off it. Otherwise you're going to end up on the app for 2 years collecting trauma. The longer you stay on a dating app, the less likely you are to find a healthy stable relationship.

[@daniellebryant5854]

Seriously, I started feeling some kind of way about divorced men. Had a similar experience recently as well. This is a controversial thought, but I realized women file for divorce majority of the time…sooo…that man may not be a good partner😬

[@theturnup9671]

You made several excellent points that every woman need to understand and digest and will learn eventually the older they get. One of the points is that men will only do when THEY like/love. How much a man is willing to do for a woman is completely dependent on his feelings for that woman and not hers. So even if the woman may have treated him badly by cheating, lying and whatever else, the fact that HE loved her or felt she was worthy was the reason behind him doing all of these things for her like buying her houses, cars, providing etc. I've witnessed this first hand and experience it as well. I've learned this the older I became and some women learn it earlier in life while some learn it later. Just my two cents. Love your commentary as usual. Spot on with everything you mentioned. Very relatable. I'm glad you're able to be so honest and transparent because there are soooo many women who are and have experienced similar dating history and have come to the same conclusions. Glad you can be a voice.

[@jd100-1]

So many relatable points here, especially the cycle of nothing for months and years then a waste of time. Also, many times, telling someone to “choose better” is like going to a restaurant and eating your usual favorite dish then getting sick because they included an ingredient you’re allergic to. Should you have chosen a better waiter or restaurant? Or should they have asked you if you had food allergies? Of course it’s the latter because it’s you. Sometimes you think you know what you’re getting until you don’t. Moral is stop pointing in finger, and if you do make sure you consider both sides first.

[@amberholland5561]

I don’t know why these videos make me sad. 😢 I think because giving up should never be the answer. I think settling into where life has placed you is fine but I think the goal, at least for myself is to be like water and ride the wave. Life will have ups and downs. It’s just the natural course of life. Bad times don’t last forever. Even if you haven’t found love, it doesn’t mean it’s not right around the corner. Never give up hope. ☺️❤️ “Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken-winged bird, that cannot fly" Langston Hughes.

[@honks9484]

Yeah… I’m giving up😂 and I’m 23 but tired of men trying to use me.

[@mrs.germain4911]

I agree. ❤

[@anr841]

Nice of you to be encouraging but there aren’t enough good men out there for all of us to have one. Realistically, most of us will have to give up on finding genuine love because it isn’t available for us all

[@stephaniehall8179]

Very interesting conversation here, as a woman turning 60, I stopped the dating thing in my 40’s. I don’t miss it at all, less stress and no more playing games. Dating can be expensive too for women. I have a much closer relationship with God and have been truly blessed in other areas of my life and career. It’s not for everyone of course, but I have no regrets❤

[@RamenzillaX]

I’ve gone through a very similar pattern where I’ll give someone a chance, they don’t want to commit at all, I’m strung along for however long, I get frustrated/heartbroken and take a pause from dating to put my life back together and work on myself… I essentially become celibate for 1-3 years before meeting the next emotional terrorist. Rinse and repeat. It’s very demoralizing and I flip flop between trying to be optimistic and throwing in the towel completely. Don’t really know what to do about it. If I just wait, I’ll be waiting forever and if I keep actively trying, I’m going to give myself an aneurysm. Anyway, I’m tuned in and wishing the best for us both. When’s it our turn??? 😭

[@Life.Love.Locs.]

I know it's easier said than done but when you get the idea that they're not committing, just cut it off? If they're not giving an enthusiastic yes, then it's a no from them regardless of what they say. Lack of commitment = they don't want what you want, cut it off stone cold. It hurts but definitely hurts less than being strung along and you recover faster. Just my 2 cents

[@RamenzillaX]

@@Life.Love.Locs. I’ve gotten better at not falling into the same pattern over the years, although now that I’m hardened and jaded - I hardly give them any chances. Besides that, I hate “the hunt (/search)” part of it all….its not worth traversing a minefield only to give chances to 🚮 😅😅😅

[@smartanajones4u]

@RamenzillaX your comment definitely resonated with me. Especially that last sentence in the first paragraph! I knew that playbook all to well lol 😂

[@thepragmatist]

"Emotional terrorist" I like this term.

[@mana-uv7cz]

I am exactly in your boat

[@LadyPurpleLP]

Hey.🙋🏿‍♀️I gave a damn when you talked about going to Disney! I very much enjoyed your vlog. 🙂

[@07ikkin]

Right! I loved it😅

[@Bre_Inspired_]

As a woman in my 30s who is considered to have a little bit of pretty privilege and gets attention when out in certain environments- I whole heartedly can agree and resonate with the concept of just being dealt continuous bad cards despite your efforts. What comes into your life to experience cannot always be controlled, and trying to take control and force situations does not work either. People always say to me, “you finding someone should be easy.” And that has been FAR from the truth. Never fully reciprocal or compatible for the reasons you state. I’ve done the dating apps, I’ve met people out, I’ve listened to all of the things the gurus said- I’M TIRED. I’ve thrown my hands up at this point, unless from the beginning something comes in that’s equal and aligned. 💁🏽‍♀️

[@msdentist2011]

I so, so, so appreciate your honesty and just "no bullshyt" candor on this one. This was refreshing.

[@1_ATA]

41. Single. With a toddler from my most recent failed relationship. I chose celibacy after giving birth to my daughter. I’ve wasted so much of my adult life wanting to be enough for men that didn’t care whether I believed I was enough for myself. I know my time will be better spent and more worthwhile investing in and loving on my daughter and myself. Also, as a late diagnosed neurodivergent, I love the peace of not masking during my down time for the sake of keeping a partner.

[@Yaa7700]

Agree many men want women to do 90 percent of daily life stuff on top of a regular job

[@itsjenscott6320]

A relationship entails so much GIVING & SELF SACRIFICE on the 🎀WOMAN'S🎀 part that leads to absolutely NO REWARD, men always need something, TIME (to sew their royal oats), UNDERSTANDING (because this or that) SEGGS (because HE has needs), PEACE (because you must be his peace) THERAPIST (because of all his BS), SUPPORT.( because that's how YOU EARN a ring) FORGIVENESS (because he is human = he cheats ) PATIENCE (to deal with his momma and/or baby mommas) BABYSITTING (because of his ego) and so so so much more, I'M GOOD FOR NOW ❤

[@chitchat1212]

You said that! Truth on all (points).

[@cherishdeb]

💯💯💯💯💯💅🏾💅🏾💅🏾💅🏾

[@Chazzabox1]

As someone who has been in the same relationship since my mid 20s, now 43 I can say this is not entirely true. My man has made a lot of sacrifices for me, and continues to do so. It’s give and take. No rewards, is not a relationship at all and it shouldn’t take you more than 6 months to a year to figure that out. Ladies you can’t take huge breaks and then get with a man that offers no rewards early on. How is this even possible. Again one sided relationships means you have to take responsibility at allowing one side to happen to you. 50/50 is the bare minimum, emotionally financially, if you’re doing more very early on, that is an imbalance and he just doesn’t like you like that. Leave it.

[@adabekeethefirst8705]

Girlllllllllllll!!!!!

[@soul-deeplevel-up6179]

⁠@@Chazzabox1 wasting six months to a year, then taking just as long to recover each time is still not going to guarantee an outcome that’s better than simply taking a sabbatical for the same amount of time. Even if a person recognizes the red flags early by your standards, it still doesn’t negate the harm and burnout. Taking “accountability” and cutting ties will still translate into being single. You’re not saying anything groundbreaking or new. And that’s part of the problem with the unsolicited “advice” often given to single women. Changing our response will not change the odds and garbage that’s in the dating pool. There is no magical formula. It’s luck. You’ve been out of the game for a while, leave us singles be.

[@shirlsshirls8594]

Girl, this was a whole message, thank you! This is a gem and I can so relate! My main regret in every relationship that didnt work out is that I stayed and tried to work things out when I should've left at the first red flag. Women don't have time like men do, we must not allow them to waste any of it.

[@HoneyBlissClothing]

I clicked on this so fast! After being deprived of your videos for like a month and checking your channel to see no new videos, thank you for blessing us with two back to back hour long videos!!💃🎉 I absolutely LOVE hearing your storytelling and perspectives...and just hearing you speak in general! I could literally listen to you talk all day😆 You give me a few laughs and definitely some food for thought!😊

[@FishareFriendsNotFood972]

I think with 'De-center Men' it's less about 'fix yourself so that you can get love (AKA, the problem is you)' and more 'other people's lives are not what I want (AKA I actively enjoy and have a preference for friends, travel, peace, spending money on myself, etc more than I enjoy a boyfriend)'. Shifting the mindset from 'it's all been denied to me' to 'that is just not for me' really does help ease distress.

[@soul-deeplevel-up6179]

Very eloquent description of the difference.

[@EOlaCasas]

Great way of putting that!

[@meli7315]

Exactly

[@queenmisanthrope]

I’m 30 and I’ve completely given up, ppl keep saying that I’ll meet someone but I doubt that I will and don’t want to anymore. I’d rather be by myself, I’ve never met a man that came into my life and made it easier, all they do is subtract and I’m tired of it. I’ve never had a boyfriend either but that’s ok

[@council.of.fluffies]

@@queenmisanthrope FELT! this is me exactly!

[@honks9484]

Feeling this way at 23.

[@somebody2474]

Girl I am 27 years old and I have reached the same conclusion as you. I have N E V E R had a positive dating experience. Every guy that showed up for me was trash, manipulative, garbage. Always still pining over someone, weren't true to me, abusive, things just didnt work out, the list goes on and on and I decided that I was tired of always getting the short end of the stick. I am single, have been for two years now, I dont see that changing anytime soon. And with all these horror dating stories I think Im good sitting this one out for a few more years... maybe eternity.

[@melissaholcombe3958]

Same it's BAD! 28 and dated someone 50 and it still horridly did not work out.

[@Yaa7700]

Wheeww the manipulation is so bad

[@roxy4325]

Also 27 and I said Bye bye bye to that ish😂 I'm TAYAD and I'm not built for this madness!

[@lianadotjpeg]

Yup! I'm 26. It's bad. BAD.

[@puseletsotsilo]

​@roxy4325 😂😂😂 it's truly wild out here , I feel you when you say you are not built for this madness

[@peaceful_and_blessed]

Im 52 and was married once for 3 years. Ive been divorced and happy for the last 13 years. I used to be a serial dater and have been single most of my life. I don’t know why some people experience true love and others don’t. I feel like its very rare to have a successful longterm relationship. Anything is possible but the timing can be out of our control like Stephanie has mentioned.

[@Chazzabox1]

Well what is successful?. I think working things out, moving on and not holding on to malice is successful. I think making kids, if you have them, the bottom line is successful (not in domestic violence situations) but successful is saying no matter what I won’t drink the cool aid and believe better is waiting for me, cause there will absolutely be another issue or bull I will have to deal with in that relationship. Successful is just two people saying, no matter what we’ll keep going because even heartache goes, resentment goes and is replaced with love once more. But I can absolutely see why anyone will leave if they have no kids.

[@nomessnostress]

What age did you get married?

[@peaceful_and_blessed]

@@nomessnostress I was 36 when I got married.

[@peaceful_and_blessed]

@@Chazzabox1 yes thats successful. I agree. A relationship that works for both people and is not toxic I think is successful. I’ve never had a successful relationship. Maybe one day but I’m ok if it does or does not happen. I think thats a good place to be because if we are desperate (I was desperate in my 20s and 30s) we will likely choose wrong partners.

[@ReneeBachtel]

I had a long term relationship but was not successful one😢..I'm peaceful & relieved somewhat.

[@BalindileMthembu]

Just turned 40 in April 6th, I've decided to NEVER try to date again, I have decided to stay single and continue to stay celibate for the rest of my life. And I am very much happy and fullfilled with that. Because I have been preserving myself, my feminine energy and my sexual energy by being celibate for the past 12 years. In my late 30s I thought about going back to the dating world, finding a partner, but now I have decided to stop even trying to date. The energy that that the dating world and it people within it is coming with doesn't sit well with my spirit. Staying single and celibate for the past 12 years till this day has made me hyper-sensitive mentally, physically, emotionally, and spirituality. I see, sense, feel everything (positive and negative) that any person is trying to come with in my life.

[@jessicahitchens6926]

No you were just closing down yourself in your prime years. Preserving is a cop out word. You were shutting yourself off for protection. Enjoy the celibacy. And make sure you look after yourself during the change.. the lack of hormones change a lot downstairs if your not prepared.

[@BalindileMthembu]

@@jessicahitchens6926 And just to let you know your back-handed insult will NEVER work with me. I am old and grown enough to know the nice-nasty type of people like you how they are and how they move on people like me who trigger them. Go find your next victim on someone on the internet. NOT me. Don't even try.

[@missadventure3397]

@@BalindileMthembu I can so agree about the mental clarity. It’s as if you can easily sense people’s energies and their intentions become crystal clear. I was never like this before celibacy, but by the 4th year, I found myself practically able to read people’s thoughts. I think staying single and celibate keeps women stress free and light, which eventually has an effect on our spiritual faculties. I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

[@BalindileMthembu]

@@missadventure3397 Exactly this. And thank you.😊🙏🏾

[@ThatGyrl23]

I'm 44 single for 5 yrs and I'm good! Its so dangerous and not worth it at this point. It's peaceful over here

[@madamepaka]

Steph, the way you paused after you said he needs to have a job! The scream I scrumpt-

[@EOlaCasas]

I'm freshly 40 and single on the "unless" boat now, too. I'm tired. I'm also sad so many of us feel similarly yet glad that I'm not the only one. Thank you for expressing this

[@MissDaisy-jr8vt]

Just turned 40 and I relate 100% on everything! I dated a 6'2 younger guy who thought he could get ANY woman just because of his height. He was 6"2 and Way overweight the more time I spent with him I became so uncomfortable with myself and him for not telling him "hey I really don't like you and I don't want to be with you". Dated another guy was only 5 years older than me but its exactly what you said I liked him and he didn't reciprocate the attraction. It happens all the time, the person you like doesn't like you back, the person who likes you, you aren't attracted to. Sad but its true. If you make more than a guy it feels like they want you to pay for their stuff, they want to go 50/50 not that I disagree but you better cook, clean, and put in the same effort but then wont that just make us roommates? Might as well just not date. I've seen so many women out on dates with their partner, see them pay the bill and the look on their face is so miserable. Like no girl stay single.

[@marie-francoiset9402]

"It happens all the time, the person you like doesn't like you back, the person who likes you, you aren't attracted to." if this is your experience ALL of the time somethings up within you. No judgement. But look into avoidant attachment or being emotionally unavailable. I can see that happening SOME times but all the time could be a you problem.

[@vwatchem]

HEARD. I’m 42 and NOT dating 💯

[@hellostephco84]

It has to be AMAZING to bring me off the bench!!

[@maggiebrooks2550]

I'm 44 and the last man I dated was in 2019. I have been celibate since then.

[@Vanity529]

Same here! The last person I entertained was in January 2019 and I have been abstinent and single ever since! I turned 55 this year & I refuse to entertain any of these tormented souls! The peace and tranquility that I have in my life these days is PRICELESS!

[@UpAndAtEmAddie]

Same.

[@True-w898]

Have you ever bought a wear and go wig? Do you know that they exist? Synthetic wigs aren't flattering. And they style now is conservative old money. I don't see a lot of bright colors or fitted tops. Also, everyone who makes KZbin videos have mostly comments with people kissing their ass no matter what the content is including you but u always talk about trolls and being thrown under the bus. Try a wear and go human hair body wave and "clean girl" makeup/ old money aesthetic

[@noirefit5954]

Steph, I’ve really always enjoyed your channel, your personality, your stories, your vulnerability, your beauty, your humor and your intellect. Thank you for being you

[@cherish.k2247]

I know im probably one of the youngest (23 and havent reached 40) and I do understand that it is probably way too young to think this way or be apart of this discussion, however i have been through alot of terrible men .. from being groomed, to r-worded, to overall just terrible boyfriends, i dont have it my heart to date even though i do want love. It's a taxing process that i can no longer handle. Everytime i think about dating i get super anxious or it just brings up a huge fear. its been two years since I've been off the market and i feel relieved. Im finally living.

[@alliediallo1945]

You are spoiling us already ❤

[@Tiredttttttt]

My humble opinion is that your break should be letting life unfold and relaxing, you never know what’s meant for you, I know women who thought they were infertile after trying for years and years in a marriage and then as soon as they move on to someone else they easily had children, accept what you can’t control & let go then make these decisions when the opportunities present themselves

[@ralucaganga1974]

I thank you for putting yourself in a vulnerable position online and speak from the heart. It comes off as very genuine and all I want to do is give you a hug! Dating is a nightmare nowadays and indeed good matchmaking is mostly luck.

[@ChrissyAnn85]

I’m 38 and in my 6th year of not actively dating. I officially gave up dating apps 5yrs ago. I’m just over it. I’ve always been the over looked person. Even in everyday life people literally walk into me. Now that I’m older it seems like I’m a magnet for married men. I’m like WTH. 🤦🏽‍♀️ I had one terrible relationship 6yrs ago that felt like 3 relationships on 1. I could have done a Ressa Tessa tell all but was too embarrassed about all the red flags I missed and dumb decisions I made that it’s just a personal story I keep to myself. 🥴😂😂😂 But I’ve just come to the conclusion that no one is checking for me except men who cause drama in their relationships so I’m good. I’m enjoying my peaceful life.

[@mirianalajtman7728]

@ChrissyAnn85 are you conventionally attractive? Overweight? Just asking. Really wondering if it's worth it to try trusting men after a huge makeover.

[@cherishdeb]

35 y/o and I gave up on dating at age 33. I'm done. No longer interested. I only wish I would have given up sooner. It's so liberating.

[@nirahjo2237]

Same!! 35 now and completely gave up on the idea 2 years ago. Maybe something happens at 33??😅

[@EOlaCasas]

@@nirahjo2237 I didn't give up on dating at 33, but I did have a big brain shift for sure.

[@jones2277]

I gave up dating at 40. And I started to question the purpose of my existence. But then I realized that I had to deal with the terms of my life and not the ideal. So I accepted that if I wanted kids and a home and all that, I’d have to get it for myself. And I did. So glad that I didn’t talk myself out of it. I really hope Steph seriously considers this as a possibility

[@pynklady11]

​@jones2277 That's pretty much where i am at 35, close to 36 in dec. Setting myself up to create a home for me

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

​@@jones2277So you now have children and a house?

[@bkstandard882]

I'm a 36 year-old man but I can relate to alot of what you said. I was always told that I wasn't doing enough to find someone or to choose a particular woman (who is the only woman in my age range that is single) in my church simply because I'm the last of my siblings and am the only one who has never been married or reproduced. I've done pretty much everything that was within my control but the good ones that i liked have never actually liked me. It seems as though older religious people don't understand this simple concept. You can like and approach who you want but if they don't like you, there's nowhere to go.

[@jessicahitchens6926]

Shouldn't *

[@matbb891]

Amen

[@Lexxulv]

The topic in reason 8 is something I would loveee a whole video on. I feel like you’ve touched on this topic before but the whole “my relationship is shit but I’m in one and your not” is crazy real

[@jd100-1]

I never understood why Steph has encountered these types of outcomes when it comes to dating. I wouldn’t even refer to her as “single” because she seems very much whole regardless of her experiences, and usually it’s experiences like those that force you into being by yourself that help make you whole. Look at her- she is gorgeous! Listen to her. She has not just beauty but an amazing and creative mind. I would like to think that Steph has saved herself in many ways by not being in a partnership. I rather her find the right one “later” than had been married for decades just to see who she married really isn’t who she thought she married. I also rather her not be with anyone undeserving. I support you! Take care.

[@mary_puffin]

Very glad you never saw that guy who expected you to pay to visit him. Modern casual relationships are toxic to the core. I am not saying women don't have their faults, but casual relationships unnaturally tilt the advantage towards men (who tend to be very happy with any sex even casual sex) and they will exploit that advantage dry if you let them.

[@Lisette121]

💯

[@MindinMyBizBeinNosey]

🎯💯Soooooo true! That's why the majority of them always want casual relationships. They're so quick to say let's just "see how it goes." There is never any progress because they are already having s*x with multiple woman, and still going out constantly looking for more women to add to their s*x list. Casual relationships are the gift that keeps on giving to them. IT ONLY BENEFITS THEM‼️They will lie to you, future fake you, purposely play with your emotions, and say any and everything you want to hear except for they are ready to settle down just to keep your legs open for them. They will drain you dry and keep you in a state of unhealthy confusion. You will end up with egg on your face thinking that you were actually going to be "the one." 😆 The sad part about it is, it be a year to 2 years or even longer later before you realize it ain't NEVER going anywhere. And if you want to move forward and mention it to him, he left that opening for him to back out because the first thing he's going to say is "I told you I didn't want a relationship." All of those so-called deep conversations y'all had was all the game to keep the access to s*x open. That's it that's all.

[@AIBot929]

37 and 100% agree, not doing it. I started a journey to 40 where I am focusing on me and preparing for my later yrs. I will age alone and I 1000% ok with that, so I'm getting in shape, decentering men, remaining celibate, focusing on new experinces, travel, family, friendships and setting up my finances. Atp men in mass turn me off as many have no redeemabke qualities, not even in friendship. My story mirrors yours in many ways, I've never been THAT girl, no one has ever gone above and beyond for me, men would try to force me to beg for their attention and demanded I be pleased with any crumb they gave me. Men see me and think strong, capable and needs to be humbled, they see baby mama but not wife and I don't have time for that. So no thank you to dating.

[@dionnetillis]

First of all, sweetheart, I wanna thank you for being so open and so transparent. With that said, I hope that you have really searched your spirit in regards to not dating in your 40s. I’m 49. I’m a divorce mother of two living in South Carolina. I get good quality dates all the time even online, but I remember there was a time where I was having a very difficult time meeting somebody who would invest in me or meeting somebody who would treat me well. I also had periods of time where I would go on a dating fast and just focus on myself for once . I even lost a lot of weight and got a size 2 and boy were high value men after me even more lol. But my point is it was the inner work that I did as well as the outside work and I changed my whole energy. I just stopped worrying about what I wasn’t for a man and I became the best version of myself. There are some men that are not going to want any children or they already have children so don’t worry about that. There are some that are just gonna love you exactly as you are. There are some that may show more interest if you’re what they’re looking for. It doesn’t matter… my point is please don’t give up all hope that area. Just keep striving to be the best version of yourself and make sure that when you do take breaks that you’re working in the areas that really do need to work. You are enough! Stop watching so much TikTok and social media and keep comparing yourself to others and comparing what women are getting and you’re not. That messes with your mental .❤

[@cardi5]

Ignore most people with regards to criticism about why/how your single, you can't escape what is meant for you. We are living in interesting times in human history and what was before is not what it is today and may not be in the future. I am 45 and stopped dating 3 years ago, I left 2 relationships leading to marriage before 35...I am a bit unusual (INFJ) I am not a settler and can thrive in my own company, no kids, never been pregnant and celibate for years. Tap into your gifts and all the other blessings in your life and you will continue to age fine like wine and be loving it all at the same time!

[@Jess-qv4ve]

I know some of those people who married & had families by early 30s & some have openly admitted to each other that they wished they waited for a more compatible partner, but settled because of societal/time pressures. Big fights, having to go to a hotel to get space etc. is what some of their lives look like now. These are outwardly seemingly happy couples. Also know plently who seem genuinely happy too, at that age, younger or a good deal older. All the luck of the draw sometimes.

[@ageofgrifter]

If “Love is not a meritocracy” is not on merch yet, it should be ❤

[@sincerely5906]

I had a strong desire for marriage and partnership, and met my husband in my mid twenties. With that, I also gave up on the dream of marrying a black man, which also made me almost pass up my husband. He’s probably the only white man I would’ve chosen cuz he’s so unproblematic 😂 Three years in, and I can say that this relationship has enhanced my life. But would I get married again? Probably not, unless another man exceeds the current character traits and lifestyle my husband provides me.

[@Love-q8t]

Light or dark pretty or unattractive it seems all women are having the SAME issue with dating, at this point it has to be the men

[@MA-rn2xp]

Dating isn't the same anymore 😢

[@juniorjames7501]

The woman is the product ! the men are the buyers.

[@HolisticManifesting]

Women have too much and don't need to rely upon them. Men are figuring out what their role is. This just happens to be the generation for this awakening.

[@Julie-qr9ow]

It’s because American dating culture is TERRIBLE

[@niar.johnson8202]

my mother is 59 and has not been in a relationship or intimate for 18 years. She has completely come to terms with it and doesn’t have the same yearning. I fear I follow in her footsteps 😂 I want to thank you so much for sharing the Bible verse at the end. I needed to hear this. It’s helpful to remember God is blessing you in other forms and ways 💜

[@relatv216]

Long time subscriber here! And so so happy to have you back. I’m 31 and there are so many things I can relate with you with, but also have different experiences than you have. When I was 22 I met an older guy at a party and we instantly connected. He loved bombed me right away, but it fizzled within months because he said he realized that I couldn’t be committed because I was so young and still in college, and couldn’t “play house” with him which is what he wanted. However he still led me on, and never communicated with me that being in different phases in our lives was an issue. I was crazy about him but found out he was sleeping with other women. Our relationship ended tumultuously when I found out.. but we reconnected a year later, and were “casual”, but then he fell in love with me again(or so he claimed), and we moved in together, that didn’t last 9 months before he was over me again. He moved out, but would intermittently stop by announced, we’d make love, hang out, etc. It was so confusing! I tried to date to get over him, but nothing ever panned out. He was a big part of my life for so long and I’ve always been crazy about him. He was my first real love, my first sexual experience, my first example of romance. But he had such inconsistent feelings about me, and claimed to love me but I guess was never in love with me, but liked how I made him feel I guess. So for about 10 years I gave the best part of me to someone who actually never wanted me.. it finally came to ahead in January, and we haven’t spoken since. It was/is a traumatizing experience, and I hate a lot of myself for wasting so much of my youth on him. At this point, I’m not interested in dating, but I will be cautiously open to whatever comes my way. I think people fail to realize that a lot of being in a healthy, loving relationship, boils down to luck. And sometimes luck just doesn’t brush some of us as easily as it does others. And that’s just the reality.

[@sami.1983]

I realized that dating older men never ends well. That's why I'm only transactional with them because they will never meet my standards. I don't care if I'm called a gold digger - it's a shaming tactic. Old men need to be charged for your time

[@melissaholcombe3958]

WOW same exact situation I dealt with. Except I am 28 and he's 50 and he loved bombed day 1 and wanted a child day 1 it literally lasted 3 months and he's extremely manipulative, emotionally abusive etc... Need to block him indefinitely.

[@relatv216]

@@sami.1983 I learned that the hard way. I’ve always been more attracted to older men, all throughout school I never had crushes on the boys my age, but would have crushes on my teachers, even when I started college I would crush on the professors and not pay attention to the boys my age.. I now realize that a lot of that stemmed from my unresolved “daddy issues”. Crazy thing is my ex was broke when we first met, but would occasionally have times during our “courtship” where he was flush. And I’ll admit he was always generous when he did have money but when he didn’t it contributed to his insecurities and resentment for me. I never expected much of anything though, just love and respect. If I date older again I’ll definitely use it to my advantage and make sure it’s someone that can give me a life I otherwise wouldn’t have.

[@relatv216]

@@melissaholcombe3958 yup I was 22 and he was 45?!? I was literally two semesters away from graduating college. And he graduated college when I was born! And I can so relate to the baby thing, I was still in school and he kept asking me to have a child with him. I agreed but was popping plan b’s behind the scenes (i eventually fessed up). I didn’t want him to feel bad that I didn’t want kids!! Now that I’m older I’m like omg?! It’s crazy because obviously there is something seriously wrong with a grown man who would knowingly enter a relationship with someone half his age. Also, I begged him to just let me go and stop playing with my emotions. I knew I couldn’t do it on my own. I would always default to him. He needed to be an adult and draw a line in the sand regarding our relationship. It’s like, he didn’t want me want me, but also enjoyed my company, my intimacy, and any crumb I could get I would take. I just didn’t have the strength to be the one to say enough is enough. One point after he moved out I was finally feeling like myself again, missed him terribly but also didn’t feel like I was suffocating all the time. He managed to slither (my friend’s words) his way back into my life. And I was back at square one. He had a hold of me, and I have a lot of healing to do from that experience.

[@Tessy29k]

​@@sami.1983 Old men are weird when it comes to younger women and a LOT of them just need to be taken advantage of and parted with their money.😂

[@momna6333]

so nice to find a dating video i agree with. it is so demoralising being told i don't "love myself enough" because i want a partner. going for months/years without periods of being able to be romantic/intimate with another person is depressing and wanting romance and intimacy is not a symptom of low self-esteem. the decentering men discussion is great if you truly want to not associate with dating but the idea you can not find someone because you want to find someone makes no sense.

[@kimberly98712]

I’m 42. I’m ready for a relationship but I’m just not thirsty for one. Whatever happens….happens. I just can’t put a “wall up” or ignore a potential partner. I just don’t believe we are wired to be alone. We just have to be at the right place and time for the right person.

[@franklinbrandon5283]

❤ Thank you for not giving up sista!!

[@PileofAshes53]

“Picking better” literally means picking yourself. Choosing you, choosing to be with yourself, by yourself. It does not matter how many men you run into, they all either have a hidden agenda towards you, or they have no use for you in their life. If I met someone like Elon Musk tomorrow, he would not find me attractive enough to elevate his status, rich enough to “marry up”, agreeable enough to do all the chores around his homes by myself, for free, therefore, my usefulness to him would be non-existent. It doesn’t matter if I decided to “pick” him as the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. He will not even notice me or acknowledge my existence. That is the way it is with all the men you and I come in contact with. It’s “can you benefit” them even on the temporary basis? And if the answer is, “yes” they might pursue you. If the answer is they got something they perceive to be better, already, you may as well be a ghost. They will not see you at all. You can pick them all you want, they’ll never come towards you anyway.

[@ctsphang]

Steph, I only _wish_ you were my daughter: astute, _honest_ analysis of _your_ place in that personal and _social_ dynamic we phrase as 'romance.' Continue to enrich _you--_ for *you.*

[@RaeannaInez]

I'm curious, would you consider adopting in the future, even as a single parent, if you could? I turned 35 this year and ended a three year relationship in January. I'm not ready for kids now but no matter what, I think I will eventually adopt. My step dad adopted and raised me and a huge portion of my closest family are not relatives by blood (several of my relatives have been married at least twice) so I've know that I have the capacity to truly love a child that is not my own, in the same way so much of my family loved me when I entered their life at around 6 years old. My focus is getting my finances where I need them to be so when I enter my 40s I'm ready to give to a child or two through either adoption or being a foster parent.

[@sami.1983]

This is my life!!!

[@icequeen491]

Great thinking, I love it ❤

[@Jazznicole]

@@RaeannaInez in America unfortunately you have to be married in order to adopt.

[@justbelit]

I can so relate. Life is a numbers game and some things happen for some people but not others. It's simple math, everyone won't get married, have kids, or find genuine love and this reality isn't normalised enough

[@HoneyGold-o3r]

I mean, marriage rates are dropping significantly so not alot of people are getting married as much as they did back in the day. We are just in modern times where the dating pool is contaminated and there's not enough decent men to go around for every woman. Plus, less people have kids due to how expensive everything is now. So if you are single now, it's okay it is pretty common nowadays for alot more people to be single.

[@noirefit5954]

I get it but it sucks for people who really want to be married

[@SharonBoo0305]

@@HoneyGold-o3r not everyone wants to stay single for the rest of their lives though. They’ve just given up.

[@LadyK007]

@@noirefit5954🎯💯

[@MindinMyBizBeinNosey]

🎯🎯💯💯Also, the relationships from back in the day where Kirk and Rasheeda Frost type relationships. Those women back in the day weren't happy. But at that time they needed men for food and shelter. If you need food and shelter you'll put up with a lot more because you don't have a choice. They really don't count as good examples. Nowadays, if we "need a man," we HIRE one. Being single is the new norm. Being in a loving relationship is like winning a lottery ticket.

[@thesovereignwoman]

Girl I love u so much!!!! I can hear u talk all day!!!❤️❤️😂 Do u date outside of the BC?? Your beauty, sense of humor, personality and intelligence etc, might benefit MORE in “other arenas”.. I’m so serious 😳🤷🏾‍♀️

[@rharvey1227]

Honestly your "woe core" is just so relatable. Sometimes when you're telling your story, it feels like youre telling my story just with different names and locations.

[@pink1237480]

Its not pessimism or self pity its reality for a lot of us here. We will not have the same experiences when it comes to certain things. Thats just a fact, not pity. I just will never find the person who i am met to be with in this life and thats okay. Just have to accept it and move on with life. Thats no pessimism thats realism.

[@sharonthebaron88]

That was profound Stephco! You really gave me a lot to think about, and to know that it is OK to let go (of that expectation for partnership).

[@LS-gy9bq]

I just want to add how tired I am of people asking why are you still single? HAVE YOU LOOKED AT THESE MEN LATELY AND HOW THEY ACT?? THEY'RE VERY MUCH IN LINE WITH THESE MEN WITH MICROPHONES ON KZbin. THEY ALSO SEEM TO BE IN A WHOLE CULTURE WHERE THEY DON'T BELIEVE THEY SHOULD DO REALLY ANY WORK AND THEY HALFWAY BELIEVE THEY ARE THE PRIZE 😒😒🙄🙄WHEW......ITS CRAZY‼️

[@jjamerican93]

It really is crazy, right?

[@Nitabita_]

Look at how many followers these guys have… we have no chance

[@MindinMyBizBeinNosey]

Just respond like I do. I say I don't date because I'm not the Rasheeda Frost type of woman that is required nowadays and I enjoy every single second of the day being about me. It's great being selfish AF! That shuts people down pretty quickly.🤣🤣🤣 Trust me, I know. 😁 The look on their face is priceless 🤣🤣🤣

[@artbygilik]

@@Nitabita_it is honestly alarming how many guys with red pill mindset I see leaving comments hating on women on all sorts of KZbin videos.

[@lianadotjpeg]

The truth is, if you're not blonde with blue eyes, being chosen by attractive, competent men who have options is going to be extremely difficult for you. I've accepted this fact, and it has made me care less about being pursued romantically.

[@sweetpeaj1952]

I don't think it's necessarily being blond with blue eyes. Based on your environment or region, guys will go for or prefer a certain look. Doesn't have to be blond etc. But overall, yes it's best to not beet' yourself up about not being what many desire.