On Feeling Obliged

[@ericastivison]

“Your job throughout your entire life, is to disappoint as many people as it takes to avoid disappointing yourself.” Glennon Doyle, Untamed

[@cyndjop]

Love.

[@fuesto]

Wow!

[@VideocaptorProductions]

Problem is, if you're always disappointed in yourself no matter what you do, this isn't helpful...

[@eddyp483]

@@VideocaptorProductionsdefinitely depends on your mentality which forms through childhood. I’m similar - hard on myself & low self esteem. I would suggest to look for small victories and work on gratitudes and being kind to yourself…

[@gettingintrospective]

​@eddyp483 I've been pretty good about that this last year after thinking I deserve punishment for decades. It has made a huge difference in my outlook, but I still find it difficult to not feel like anything I do is wrong. Breathing in the discomfort until I realize I was never in any real danger.

[@mollyhooper8674]

“Oh I wish I could, but I don’t want to. “ wise words from Phoebe

[@yellowthermos]

There was a similar line in the Simpsons, where Marge was trying to get Homer to help with fundraising activities for the church, which was in dire financial straits. She kept suggesting different things he could do, and he kept playing dumb/acting like he wouldn't know where to begin. She finally got mad and said, "For God's sake, Homer, I just gave you a bunch of ideas. Just pick one!" And Homer said, "Marge, it's not that I don't _want_ to help. It's that I don't care."

[@NashLaoShi]

And way more honest.

[@HeidiSue60]

That is my favorite one liner ever. Best line of the series 😂

[@Zhinazi]

Sheldon later said something similar

[@CG-wr4no]

😂😂😂

[@amystubby]

Duo is coming for us all..

[@MonicElle]

😆

[@silverxdiamond7177]

😂😂

[@DenisBourveau]

French or trench

[@smurfyday]

It's way too alike to be an accident. It's got to be a subtle dig at the streak obsession, which at this point means nothing with all the freezes you get.

[@JLakis]

It's what I thought they meant by "obligation" because it was in the thumbnail!

[@CuriosityIgnited]

It’s taken me years to realize that setting boundaries doesn’t make you a bad person. It just means you respect your own time and mental health.

[@may6v6]

thank you for this!!

[@Kogo-nw8zp]

Only abusive people make you feel bad for healthy boundaries

[@frederiquehobson4221]

It' s still difficult for me to set boundaries. The reason why I am mentally exhausted. 🤔😟

[@laja6108]

@@frederiquehobson4221it gets easier the more you do it. Life is so much more peaceful when you stand up for you.

[@frederiquehobson4221]

​@@laja6108Thank you very much for your support. 🙌💝

[@BollywoodBonanzaB]

I love a post I saw on KZbin a few days ago - "If you don't say yes authentically, you say yes reluctantly, and that causes more trouble than saying no in the first place."

[@Seamannon]

Love that! Thanks for sharing. I agree, I hate it when I ask something and the other person is reluctant AND unwilling to explain why. I'd love an enthusiastic YES, but I can also accept a clear NO. If the person is reluctant, but doesn't give me any context for it when I ask WHY, then I have to treat it as a NO. All of that would be fine too, except for people who are offended afterwards that I took their answer as a NO, when they didn't say it explicitly. I do my best to say yes wholeheartedly when I can and no when I can't. I do my best to explain what I am reluctant about when I can't give a clear answer, because it's usually that some other factor would have to be met, that is currently out of my hands, so I explain the problem: if this, then YES and if that, then NO, If you want a yes out of me, I need you to help me with this first. If the other person can't reciprocate and we can't have any honest communication, then the relationship is doomed anyway, it will be a constant struggle to understand and accommodate each other until one or both of us get exhausted with the dynamic. It's not worth it.

[@phaedrus000]

@@Seamannon if someone asks me to do something and I say yes and then they "treat it as a no" because it wasn't enthusiastic enough I am going to think that person is very needy and childish

[@AlextheENTP]

​@@phaedrus000 As the person above is explaining, she's not out there trying to stomp on people's boundaries. If someone gives me an unwilling yes and is obviously sulking or looking sad or anxious about it, I too will take that as a NO whenever possible, because I'm not some heartless tyrant who wants to drag people around town with me who clearly hate every minute of it. I can understand that some people are simply not able to say no because of everything explained in this video, and I will do them the courtesy of seeing past their trauma response and not pushing them to where they don't want to be. Or at the very least trying to make it explicitly clear that they don't have to agree to anything they don't want to, although I suspect that I and the person above will have encountered people who double down on their uncomfortable yes against their will, which can be terribly exasperating if I'm all out of energy for the day.

[@Seamannon]

@@AlextheENTP Thanks for your explanation :) Yes, it's basically that.

[@Seamannon]

@@phaedrus000 It's not just about the tone of voice when you say "yes" or "no" or how much you smile in the moment, but those things can also be indicators to take into account. I guess I'm just tired of people who never give any honest answers and explanations. I'm tired of people who give me a reluctant "yes" and then sabotage the initial idea every step of the way, or complain about any minor inconvenience. I don't want to do things with people who can't mirror my energy in any way, because it ruins the experience for everybody. If I want to go on some indie music concert and I ask if someone wants to go with me, then I want the other person to be interested enough in the event, so that we can sing and dance together and enjoy it fully. I don't want someone to come just because I asked and then complain about standing in lines, messy toilets, drunk people or spilled drinks, because these are some of the downsides you have to take into account on certain events. I don't want someone who doesn't enjoy the music or who doesn't let me enjoy the music by being unhappy during the event and expecting me to leave early with them. If I want to to enjoy a musical, then I don't want to go with someone who would complain about dressing up and being uncomfortable in their seats or dismissive about the play. If I want to go to some indie movie theater, I don't want somebody to come with me, who would complain about not understanding a foreign language and having to read the subtitles, or about the screen being not as big as somewhere else, I want to see the movie with someone who is open to that particular experience and who would be willing and able to discuss the movie with me afterwards. If I want to go to a museum or art gallery, I don't want to be rushed around, I want to be able to focus and analyze certain pieces and comment on them and listen to someone else's insights. If I want to go for a trip somewhere, I don't want to go with someone who will complain about buses or trains or luggage or lodging or food options and things like that... All of these things are to be expected and considered beforehand. They can be discussed and planned for and there has to be a discussion about personal preferences and expectations. If I want to go for a hike and I'm upfront about not being able to run or jump due to an old injury, then I don't want to go with somebody who will complain about me being too slow and scoff every time I need a break. If I ask someone to help me cook something, then I don't want them to get annoyed about each task, like washing a dish, cutting up vegetables or making a mess and cleaning it up afterwards, because it's just a part of the process. I appreciate when people can be upfront about all of their conditions and when they are also able to take into account all of my conditions and make details plans so that each experience is mutually beneficial. I realize that there are always things that you can't account for. Crap happens and you have to deal with it on the spot, that's ok, but I resent people who complain about the things that absolutely could be planned around, and who wouldn't say anything about their expectations when asked, claiming to not have any particular expectations, but then making everything miserable because their expectations were not met.

[@iloveyoufromthedepthofmyheart]

"A manic sense of obligation is the logical consequence of key people's historic LACK of obligation towards us." - That hit home...

[@cgortz89]

Really? Not for me. I feel like people have had a strong feeling of obligation towards me, not the least my parents, yet my own feeling of obligations are not any less for that. Maybe rather the opposite - as in my noticing of my parents sticking to their obligations to me is somewhat also creating more obligations for me to them. For example christmas eve. I feel a bit tired of the holiday and the work around it, yet I feel obligated to keep it up every year and celebrate it at my parents house. I also feel obligated towards the kids in my family to always give gifts. If I may ask, how are you thinking when you react on this saying?

[@iloveyoufromthedepthofmyheart]

@@cgortz89 IDK that part in the video just resonated with my situation. But would you say your sense of obligation is pathological, or like he says manic? If not, then I do not see a problem.

[@raoulantoniuradu1446]

Your is gratitude towards your parents . Feel free to say no , sometimes . I would kill to have that problem hehe Lucky you

[@jylbek71]

😢 so painful

[@Mienarrr]

Jesus, it hit hard for me too. Right on the money…

[@goldengriffon]

This has been a major problem of mine. I need to watch this video every morning for a few weeks. Thank you.

[@sand1saw]

Do you feel onlbliggeeeddd

[@rehumanizeXX]

Good idea! I may do the same!

[@juanfranciscogonzalezcolef2562]

Same here!

[@erikajewel]

i’m also in the same boat 🥲 this video popped up at a GREAT time for me. good luck to all of us on respectfully setting our boundaries. it’s a part of self care that is important. i don’t want to let me down anymore as a byproduct of doing too much for others

[@milicamaelissazivanovic]

It was so liberating realizing this “polite obligation”. I started walking out on movies I didn’t like, conversations I didn’t enjoy, people who bring me down. I feel more comfortable and people appreciate you being genuine.

[@sodotta]

hahaha walking out on a bad movie is next level assertion. good on you

[@milicamaelissazivanovic]

@@sodotta lol thanks

[@juangabrielnavarro227]

Normalize walking out of bad movies. Sometimes the ticket you paid ain't even worth the time suffering a movie that turned out to be trash.

[@EdelweisSusie]

I worked with a guy who taught me so much about my people-pleasing trait that he changed my life. If he was chatting to a group of people either at work or at the pub and he'd had enough of that particular thread of conversation he'd just say: "Had enough now, I'm off". He didn't put up with all that social BS from people trying to clamber the corporate ladder - when he'd had enough of a conversation he'd just walk off and start chatting to someone else. It was brilliant to watch.

[@karenfry5538]

At nearly 60 I am only just beginning to understand myself. I am beginning to take control of my own life but still feel it nearly impossible to say no to work or close family. When i have said no they make me feel very guilty. At least this video helps me understand why I put myself under this obligation to please others. Thank you.

[@CurtisMoe]

Ugh. Hits so hard. I grew up in a full house of people that was virtually absent of love, compassion, and acceptance.

[@beverleyreid563]

I think we grew up in the same house.

[@tedoub]

❤❤❤❤❤

[@tedoub]

I think I live in that house now

[@NakedAvanger]

thats always a super healthy recipe

[@leefedyk7346]

This video nailed me as well. You’re not alone

[@BasedPranav]

I want to express myself and give a heartfelt note of gratitude to everyone involved to make these films for free on this platform for people like me to watch. Being a neurodivergent person with trauma and having great interests in the science of our life (including people , psychology and humans as a whole). this single channel has been my greatest resource to navigate through problems during tough times , developing awareness and understanding about affairs of humans and therefore learning to become a more loving (and lovable) , kind and empathetic human being along with learning about the subject. And as a matter of fact today was one of the days where i gor overwhelmed emotionally and found relief in music and your videos. So Thank you , From the bottom of my heart ❤.

[@theschooloflifetv]

We read your message and were delighted with it. Thank you so much for taking the trouble to write. We deeply appreciate this.

[@jazziew2148]

Very well-said! You speak for many of us. Thank you @BasedPranav and profound thanks to everyone at SOL. You all are extremely intelligent artists with the noblest of goals.🤗🤗🤗

[@Boingsify]

Blessings to you.

[@mooodlemip4779]

I used to tell myself that there was no one I didn't like - that it was just my awkwardness that made me feel uncomfortable around certain people. this led to me going on holiday with someone I didn't like/don't have much in common with and I felt like I was pretending the whole time. I feel so called out by this video but also hopeful. I now see that my discomfort in certain situations isn't necessarily because I'm awkward/giving in to selfish feelings but because I'm just doing something that I don't like doing, that isn't suited to me. its freeing

[@jengirl2]

“A manic sense of obligation”. Yep. Feeling this.

[@AdityaMehendale]

The animator deserves a raise :)

[@UlasMT]

for doing his job?

[@AdityaMehendale]

​@@UlasMT For going above and beyond. Maybe it's "she". Or "they".

[@UlasMT]

@@AdityaMehendale the fact that this is "going above and beyond" means your standards are low, perhaps? And stop imposing. "His" refers to the animator, that could be his/her/they/them.

[@wrakowic]

@@UlasMTit's a common comment of appreciation. Once your English improves from A0 you will be able to detect these and you won't need to be an a-hole at every occasion.

[@UlasMT]

@@AdityaMehendale toxic mindset. very sad.

[@fortissimoX]

I was never this type of person, it came quite easy for me to put boundaries. But there are some of my friends who are like this, and it literally destroys their life and they still can't say simple "no". Before, it frustrated me because I couldn't understand their behavior, but nowadays I see that as I have some weaknesses that are easy for others, it's same for them. Moral of the story: When you see some behavior that you don't approve at others, don't judge them but either try to help them, or if that's not possible, feel compassion for them. Btw, great animation!

[@sparkalightnow]

What a considerate perspective, thank you for sharing 🩷

[@rhiannonn91]

Perfect timing! I just had a conversation with my kindergartener today about the importance of being our own advocate and saying, "No."

[@sheilaoreilly6826]

I felt so proud yesterday in the playground, my kid told another kid, about asking him to hand over his toy, "I can say yes or I can say no" 💕💚💕

[@m0-m0597]

*Kindergärtner

[@thecarbox4112]

Just want to congratulate the person who came up with Duo as the example. Big brain move there. It's something everyone has seen in pop culture

[@GratitudeGriot]

not everyone. i dont get the reference....

[@bxrosie04]

@@GratitudeGriotDuolingo language app. Duo the green owl is their mascot.

[@domdomdominique]

The widget changes expression throughout the day to remind you to practice the language you're learning. From a green nudge to murderous oxblood red at 11pm lol. I'm on day 1005 but I'm chill about it.

[@lexasilvestre]

​@@domdomdominique day 993 and the owl is with the fire streak calmly in bed 😂

[@estelsaradop492]

We feel obligated when we haven't been given the opportunity to find our own voice, likes and dislikes. And those are always our parents. I'm speaking from personal experience and three years of psychotherapy. Your videos are very educational, thank you ❤

[@5canwalk]

A friend shows me the best declination line: "I won't be making it". Clean and simple, no apologies, no false reason, no promises for nxt time.

[@UnknownXlll]

Everyone wants to say that , but they know that not everyone will accept their message with an open mind and a broad chest like you did .

[@cgortz89]

Thank you, I think this is a good tip!

[@princessfly11]

I read that Shonda Rhimes says, "I'm not able to do that," as opposed to just, "No," and using that has genuinely saved me some strife.

[@annainspain5176]

People say No to us and expect us to accept it. We can do the same. They don't have to like it as long as they accept it.

[@miamitten1123]

@@princessfly11then they’ll ask…. _”Why not?”_

[@nicholassawyer799]

Please never stop making these films they are so important and eye opening, thank you!

[@bbmcgee33]

Just don’t oblige him to do so 😂

[@snakesandpsychology]

Most parents work very hard to avoid causing their children to have a meltdown. In our house it was the other way around. I'm only just starting to be able to set firm boundaries with people now I'm in my 30s. It's nice to know I'm not alone though.

[@skeezix8156]

Same. Dad was fine but he’s gone now. I’d had it with my mom by the time I was in my early 40’s, she wanted to go over the will and I’d asked nicely if they could take me out of it completely. Long story short they didn’t, she has dementia and I am named her power of attorney. Basically given up a few years of my life due to the messes I’ve had to clean up. It never seems to end

[@peterkropp2300]

That just summed up the first 40 years of my life. Thanks for switching on a light.

[@BuleCintahIndonesia]

When we feel like we don’t belong, the journey to find ourselves can lead us into the habit of saying yes to anyone and anything.

[@chillandrelax348]

Yup

[@MsWinterlife]

Being excluded and ignored by others in school through my younger years actually did a lot of good, believe it or not, as it made me realise life has much more to offer than human interaction and companionship. I turned to reading, extensive bordering on obsessive reading, of anything that I could lay my hands on. I learned about social interaction through reading and then role playing with my imaginary friends inside my head. I learned about history, geography, science, art, a second language, through reading materials other than school books. I developed my own views on everything through regular debates held with imaginary friends, whenever I read something inspiring or thought provoking. Instead of becoming an anxious and insecure person eager to please others in the hope of kindness and acceptance being returned, I simply, do, not, care. We are not born with wings so nobody could actually miss them, I had never experienced peer acceptance and so feel no loss in not having it. Saying no is the easiest thing for me because it comes naturally, it’s the need to appear normal and blending in at work that is a hard grind on a daily basis.

[@astridmiller7938]

yes even imaginary love affairs...

[@TheBnaja]

Meow (I agree)

[@MilwaukeeWoman]

High School is over. Go join a club or church or something. Isolation is bad.

[@invictaland1983]

I relate with my soul to this! ❤

[@albertocarlosbustos9892]

LOOK AT ME EVERYBODY!!!!!!¡¡!¡ I'M SPECIAL!!!!¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡

[@Melanie_M]

"... and we might be shocked to find.... a backbone" made me laugh :D Incredible video as always! Slowly starting to apply boundaries and stand up for myself and my needs. It's a long but important process.

[@ivareskesner2019]

There is nobody who gets taken advantage of more than a people pleaser. And there is nobody who ever gets to please everybody. So, inevitably, not only do these people get taken advantage of, they never actually achieve that _'I want everybody who comes in contact with me to like me'_ status. Because you can't please everyone. The more you please one person, the more this may displease another. You'll end up chaising your own tail. Doing twice the work only to end up being disliked by twice as many people.

[@E4439Qv5]

Sweet deal. I'll work harder at this than everybody else and get *damaged* for it! 😁

[@ivareskesner2019]

@E4439Qv5 Also known as kicking yourself in the nuggets.

[@E4439Qv5]

@@ivareskesner2019 ...so be it. Nothing wrong with being both flexible enough to achieve it *_and_* masochistic enough to enjoy it. "Be the change you wish to see in the world."

[@mrsbethaniesmith]

Truth!!!

[@lydiarosebrita4901]

Disappointing yourself has much worse consequences than disappointing others!

[@Sarah.écrit]

I think it's not only about saying no, it's also projecting something else: confidence, self worth, trust in your own judgement, time and existence. People will respect this a lot more, whereas when we fear saying no, our whole body language projects the fear of disappointing the other person, and they can feel it and unconsciously sense that they are entitled to us saying yes and it creates a vicious cycle.

[@Hey-Chef-Mike]

When I turned 18 I felt obliged to drink, do drugs and smoke cigarettes to be cool in society. When I quit drugs I lost what I thought were friends. When I quit drinking I lost what I thought was a fun life. When I quit smoking I lost what I thought was my "cool" look. When I focused on myself and stopped obliging everyone in my life I gained respect for myself and haven't looked back. Been making big moves since.

[@totalgroupwipe]

Shout out to the animators. This was highly produced and beautiful ❤

[@Wuwei72-o5n]

The more compliant you are the more ungrateful people are, it is a sign of weakness. People appreciates people with strong character who set limits and say No.

[@cocothebrain9955]

Important insight as always, but DAMN was the animation extra good in this one. Very impressive..

[@juliesunnydaze]

Be kind to self, then you can extend proper kindness to others ❤

[@amandalam7272]

This is something I've previously realized about myself, but I appreciate the succinct and poignant reminder that I do myself a disservice by constantly trying to serve the needs of others, even complete strangers, which does in part stem from feeling like my needs were not valued as a child. I wish to help and support others, but that does not mean I need to do so at a constant detriment to myself.

[@kitbiscuit]

"we'll have made progress when we learn to love being kind to ourselves more than we fear momentarily frustrating those we may not even like." BARS.

[@starkolurodon]

I'm getting a lot better at this since I stopped talking to my father, who was deeply abusive and terrifying during my formative years. I finally broke contact at age 32.

[@azeljoyportugues2580]

I forgave mine, but I'll never forget his actions.

[@ma_86]

Im glad you have done this and be easy and kind to yourself ❤ Godbless

[@Shadrack_M]

This video really hit home for me. The way it breaks down such complex emotions and experiences feels incredibly relatable. It's like seeing my own thoughts and struggles reflected back at me, but with a clarity I’ve been missing. I hope there’s still a chance for us to learn, grow, and find a better way forward.

[@moniquemitchell7326]

...I relate to this so much. The Foreign Language of Honesty... Brillantly worded, thank you

[@ogoj2]

Most people hate to hear the truth. One of the things that gets me instantly disliked by others no matter how kindly and tactfully I word it.

[@kiriookami]

The irony of using Duo in this video kills me. Duo is king of making us feel guilty for missing a lesson.

[@fokdit6008]

That annoyed me so much! Felt like being stalked 😂

[@sbgtrev]

These videos are the best things on the internet. And people are missing out on so much joy, clarity and insight because they can't build up further on these jewels of wisdom through a continuing engagement with the psychologists at SoL.

[@shadowofagod896]

Saying no and being so afraid of disappointing people would have gotten me out of some convoluted situations.

[@north_star_yt]

My favorite word is no 😂 I have no qualms with telling people how I truly feel. I appreciate transparency and I think everyone else should too with regards to me. I may feel bad if I know they may be a sensitive person but I will apologize and still let them know they’re important to me. Honesty keeps everyone honest. 💁‍♀️

[@zoombinifleen9362]

This is good advice but at least in my case, the biggest struggle wasn't saying no; that was easy. It was knowing for myself what is and isn't ok and what I should put up with. Once I had my boundaries, the rest fell into place

[@aperson4834]

Often times its the fear of disappointing other people. But we didn't know that sometimes saying “no” to them can make them feel better for knowing tgat we value boundaries to others

[@tunetoinnerlight]

It is liberating to know that most people would take no and not feel offensive. I feel better after learning this. The people that I was surrounded by would go on exploiting me knowing that I can't say no and can agree to whatever demands they have. I need to understand this now that I can say no freely without stress and that I am not hurting anyone by doing this.

[@nolongerhooman2341]

This channel is the only place where I feel understood

[@dad102]

I love you, brother. You make me feel less alone in the world.

[@dogcrazy98]

This video is spot on. I was raised in a super strict household with a somewhat domineering parent figure and I’ve felt obliged and people pleased my whole life. It manifests in all my relationships and is a daily struggle. I'm in a predicament at the moment, for example. I’ve got a friend who is a good, kind lovely person but she always wants to meet up on her terms often dictating when and where we’ll meet and expecting me to drive whatever distance or inconvenience myself. For years I’ve tolerated her demanding behaviour, but recently she crossed the line again and I feel fed up and like I just want out of the friendship. Unfortunately, her husband has been diagnosed with cancer and I feel devastated for her. But I feel I can’t end the friendship now or even raise these issues because of the timing. What to do?

[@mindkindmom]

Now that her husband is ill, I think her demands and expectations will get even more. the question is 'Will you put your health in jeopardy just to not seem unkind? I now follow what some psychologist has said, ' it's better to feel guilty than resentful'.

[@hughchapman5319]

I would try to find a kind but assertive way to talk this through with your friend and start to establish healthier boundaries with them. It sounds important to let your friend know that you're not going to be able to meet up on their terms every time they want to meet

[@EmilyZhivago]

Was in a similar situation with a self diagnosed sociopathic friend. A good kind loving person would not be a demanding selfish person who could not notice your discomfort. Bring it up and find other friends!

[@MilkglassDoll]

Not to sound rude but her relationship with him might have given him cancer…

[@ExLibris-Alys]

As I’ve grown older I’ve found it increasingly easier to say No when I simply don’t want to do something. If I’m invited somewhere i don’t want to go I simply say “It’s kind of you to invite me, but no thank you”. No explanation and no excuses. People are usually too taken aback to ask why and they simply accept it. You have to be prepared to be brutal if they do ask why though, I just tell them that in all honesty I don’t want to. It won’t win you many friends, but in the words of John Lennon, it’ll always win you the right ones.

[@Willpolita]

For years, I was someone who cared about everything and everyone. After a series of personal problems, I went through a major depressive crisis. Lying alone in bed, thinking the worst, I realized that many of the people I cared most about, even knowing I was in that state, barely cared for me. Over time, I started saying 'no' more often: 'I don’t like this,' 'I don’t want to.' Some people will never understand how liberating it is when you say your first 'no, I don’t want to go,' or 'that seems silly; I don’t like it.' People even look embarrassed or surprised by the response.

[@JellieJoShmo]

“We’ll have made PROGRESS when we learn to LOVE being kind to ourselves more than we FEAR momentarily frustrating those we may not even like.” 🙏🏿💯❤️‍🩹

[@IamJOTAL]

It's actually insane how many times I entered youtube and the first video recomended was a school of life one about the exact problem I was facing. Thank you for the really good content and for helping us!

[@elizabethmackenzie2072]

I like that this video also reminds us that we can and should still be kind with our boundary setting, because setting boundaries isn't the opposite of being kind.

[@adrianzyskowski1989]

Love the animation here!!! It’s so cool

[@tanmay1306]

Most adults can actually take a no, unlike what was imbibed to us as children. Important line that I’m taking with me.

[@svenofthejungle]

Thank you. This is something I needed to hear at this point in my life.

[@kaxinho9]

Omg this is a masterpiece. The blue character reminds me of the blue paintings of Picasso. Loved!

[@us0458]

2:33 " We had believed that we were NICE"- hit me like a hammer.

[@AlsiQwyk]

This is a gem for me that I luckily stumble upon today.

[@aww.vibes00]

God and my therapist knwos how much needed this video to make sense of it all

[@deepakdaryanani2229]

👍👍👍🙏🙏🙏 Setting boundaries can sometimes be very challenging in life .............

[@kajapotrebujes9325]

True, but not setting them tends to have even tougher consequences

[@cedrichartz390]

I don't make up a reason or ghost other people. If I feel the urge to do this, it is an indicator that I don't like or care about this person anyway. In this case, I started to more and more just tell those people that i don't *want*. You might not have to tell more, maybe they feel the same, but if they ask (which happened to me only twice) then I already thought about it and have the right answer in the right words. One time I said "I don't think it harmonizes well between us" (which sounds much more beautiful in my native language and is spot on the truth how I felt). This is how you really end a friendship. It takes just a moment of courage and you'll never hear from the person again without you feeling guilty or the other ignored

[@paulaneary7877]

Holy Crap, this explains MY WHOLE LIFE. I mean, MY WHOLE LIFE. I have been working on this for years, would hate to tell you the decisions I made when I was younger because I felt obliged to live up to my parents moral standards. I was young. It was the very early 80's. I was still in high school. First boyfriend and all. Figure it out. Makes me sad now more than ever before and I am now 60. Wouldn't wish that situation on anyone. I say no quite frequently now.

[@ethanhall6965]

Many of us are people pleasers and we pay a price. I erupt out of frustration and burn relationships. I tend to isolate (I'm a widower too) when I need a break or when I feel someone has slighted me. I'm doing it now. I've watched most if not all of TSOL videos. I swear the author must be using me as the case study.

[@CurlyC-kv8tg]

This is what I needed right now❤ Its 3 am i can't fall asleep so I took a shower and set on the floor , n this video pops up in my feed Right now what I want to tell myself is that Its OK to live a slow life without being hard on yourself

[@Someoneswildestdreams]

Bless this channel and everyone behind it. This is what I'm switching from currently. Radical acceptance and daily affirmations helped me get some distance from being a people pleaser.

[@EVL-xj5vc]

We learn to say no as we mature. It's difficult when I'm young and when I did I would be seen as a kill joy amongst some toxic friends or a bad daughter.

[@fraffee]

Came because of Duo in the thumbnail, stayed for the beautiful way this video was shot! 😍

[@Xr2-8fan_810]

Wonderful animation here, i like this Its important to detail how Pple become sickened, angry, unhappy and manic over obligations.

[@Ciara991x]

Duo always makes me feel obligated 😂😅

[@Damiaen.]

I have the biggest sympathy for people who tell me no when I ask for support but need to learn more empathy for those who, just as I used to, aren't at that point yet.

[@heloisa944]

This was the topic of my entire therapy session yesterday! I'm shocked at the coincidence

[@DisapprovingShinji]

I'm so happy to not feel related AT ALL to this video 😂 I'm glad my parents taught me to be free and always speak my mind no matter what others expect of me.

[@matthewadla7659]

Having boundaries and prioritizing spending our energies on us before lending what we can spare to other is important. But the notion, explained in this video, can be understood as toxic individualism that neoliberal power structures are viciously promoting. While, in reality, humans are social creatures. They're only capable to thrive in communities. The kind and the workings of each community should meet the needs of all its members. This is challenging, it is far from perfect, but it is much healthier and more sustainable than having individuals unnaturally idolize selfishness rather than put the needed emotional investment in a community that would heal and protect our dignity as we live our lives.

[@fistyann8434]

Well, this hit rather unexpectedly. I cant tell you how many long years compliance made me miserable, and thereby awful. Just Say No was.clearly the right message all along, just aimed at the wrong target.

[@scyllvermilion2738]

This video really made me think, thank you : ) I feel like this is a tricky one. In the examples given here, I agree to the way you've defined the shrugging off of the expectation for unearned obligation and would add/reinforce that you aren't ever obliged to maintain relationships with people who are consistently abusive or toxic. I would also say that the world breaks down without a sense of obligation (many examples throughout history, especially when our obligations shift from others to a selfish higher power [god, money, self are examples]). I think some key questions that are raised by the extension of your viewpoint are: Why would you stick around for someone going through a hard time or quitting an addiction, they're unkind and often harmful? Why would you give someone that ice cream cone after they've paid you $3.50? Why would you interact with someone who's grieving, they are draining and not fun to be around? I believe one key distinction is earned obligation (gratitude) vs. unearned obligation (an odd concept similar to kindness). In my opinion, the first should be expected by a functioning society where the second should be praised beyond gratitude. For example, If you've weathered the storm of a friend or partner, supported them when things were certainly not kind to you (an example of unearned obligation), is that person obliged to support you in your time of need? I would say yes. Otherwise, what definition exempts the friend/partner from being abusive in a user type way? Why would you ever do it again when the socially accepted result is to shake a magic 8 ball and hope for the best when the risk is not only the initial negative (which absorbing without expectation is the definition of kindness) but a damaging second outcome? To put the last sentence into practical terms, it's kind to give a friend $50 you don't expect to see back when they're short on rent and will be evicted, it's something else if it's socially acceptable for them to use that $50 to buy the tools necessary to steal your car. I'm not trying to wax on about "my" morality, I'm trying to understand what appears to be one of many conflicting definitions in the space of how to interact with people. In this case: "You shouldn't take advantage of people, but you also shouldn't feel beholden to them if they've been of value to you". Does that not justify, leave a space for, or even reward someone for being a genuinely selfish and unkind person if they've prioritized the latter half of the contradictory statement? Without a semblance of inherent obligation, I personally believe that is the case. I'm curious as to what other peoples thoughts are on this.

[@BhagyarajSubramanian]

Why do I love my life when I hear this?

[@meganruchwatercolors7186]

Me too!!!!

[@schoolneverteach]

Sound advice to save ourselves by saying more no's to others than to ourselves🎉

[@atscub]

Whenever faced with a dilemma, like whether to say yes to something I don’t want to do, I ask myself what is right and just according to my own principles. Sometimes it is right to say yes when we don’t want because the person has earned it. But many times is not. I usually found that regret and feeling of guilt came from going against my own principles. So I have decided to live by them. Like for example I won’t justify wrong doing because it came from a person I love.

[@YOU_IN_A_TUBE]

I need to watch this 1000 times more to understand it

[@octohex2908]

This is the shift od perspective. This is one of those aha moments my inner child screams for it sparks joy. But alas I think it's too late but then I have too much too lose because I'm grateful despite all the regrets of not speaking up for I still breathe even though sparingly like an old soul. I have yet to live and then I have started to change

[@SC-bg8wf]

Great advice. The next step is very hard, actually following this advice.

[@AdVO1980]

This video was visually so well made; very creative and appealing.

[@backseatcovers]

I loved the Duo cameo 😂😂 PS. so proud of myself that so many of the things described in the intro I don't do anymore.

[@undefinabilitytheorem1051]

Thank you for this and many other extremely helpful videos. I had to rewatch this video about 5 times before something really big finally clicked inside me. The emotional component of what I knew rationally already, that I please people because I’ve been made to feel really insignificant. I feel like I can finally start to tackle this and it really is a life or death difference for me, in a very literal sense.

[@bananamama2337]

Wow, this is precisely my life. When I was a child (6 or 7), I accidentally stepped on a campfire and burned my feet, but because I didn't want to bother my parents, I just went to sleep to get rid of the pain. And I would feel incredibly guilty and almost cry when they bought me ice cream for like 1€, or did basically anything else for me. My mom recently told me that to her it always felt like I didn't excist, because I was so "easy-care". Being easy care haunts me to this day.

[@Sanders-vd3tp]

The animation in this one is brilliant! So clever!

[@saberalgeriano]

*civil and firm, polite and definitive.. easy to remember !!*

[@oasis142]

Ooof. This channel has a way of hitting the target, out of nowhere, just when I need it. Many thanks

[@Dr_Nutrition]

Yes! I stopped this way too late in life but better late than never.

[@cyndjop]

Lost the relationship with my stepdaughter over this trait I did not recognize in myself. I became volitial. After 2 years of not speaking and seeing this video tonight, I think we were doing the same thing. Feeling obligated during a holiday. Thank you for creating this video.

[@ConsistenTea]

So basically the take away is -it is not selfish to think about yourselves first just because you are to say things or do things comfortable for you.

[@noorandejani9285]

People pleaser who needed this

[@giudoliveira]

Thank you very much, Alan!

[@privateprivate8366]

This video hasn’t met narcissists. Because those people DO NOT LIKE boundaries and no. They have to be taught that stuff, whether they learn it or not.

[@thekeypresser]

Thank you for using the correct word 'obliged' rather than 'obligated'

[@dna5806]

thank you for the things that you have teached me and other today, Im truly greatful for this moment and further on with this on my mind forever

[@destinyizkalling]

There is a fine line between obligation and the invitation to challenge. Not everything we do will feel good immediately. Know your boundaries, yes. But accept challenge when you can!

[@SjorsHoukes]

Once again, at exactly the right time. My current problems stem mostly from this shortcoming. Thank you Alain and team ❤