A Guide For the Recovering Avoidant

[@tameraburaya634]

I feel like the words " through no fault of our own but with full responsibility for our condition" is the start of our journey with acceptance and healing.

[@niza3470]

True I like how carefully this while video is worded

[@darienwilliams5194]

I've always liked to say to people. "It's not your fault, but it is your problem."

[@quietkael7349]

Yet the video goes on to pathologize people as “damaged” rather than meaningfully differentiate harmful behaviors from solitary ways of being that the video creators thenselves don’t see value in. Lost a lot of respect for the channel on this one.

[@EricNewport-h5b]

Just reading the phrase to myself elicits tears... This is the way.

[@jasminecollins897]

​@@quietkael7349 none of the video is aimed at people who are comfortable and happy with their desire for space and independence. It's specifically aimed at people who are struggling with it and have been through trauma.

[@tonbridgeroy]

When the people I have been in longterm relationship with for many years are out for the day, (and I am alone in the house) I find I can relax and be myself, however as soon as I start to anticipate their return I begin to get anxious. It appears to me as though there is a part of me that only ever feels fully safe when I am completely alone and this same part of me is for some reason forever nervous when I am around others. I am 58 years old and this is how it's been for as long as I can remember really.

[@QHuman]

Being perceived is stressful, but especially so for those on the autism spectrum

[@HeartFeltGesture]

This is a hyper-vigilance response. It is triggering because we always feared the return of the loveless abusive parent to the house we grew up in, because they were mean and inconsistent, and we would have to go into hypervigilance mode to avoid their negative attention. Also it is a fear of being yourself in the company of an other for fear of criticism and rejection, which was the experience in childhood with our so-called "care-givers". This is why it is exhausting to be in a relationship, because no matter how loving and understanding the partner is, we find it very hard to feel like it is o.k to fully relax and be yourself as though no one else is around, while in the presence of an other. There is a high probability you were/are the family scapegoat in a narcissistic family hierarchy. The core condition that gives rise to all of these symptoms is SLDD - Self-love Deficit Disorder, a condition named by Ross Rosenberg who superseded the term "co-dependent" with SLDD, which is a more accurate and self-explanatory term. There is another video from School Of Life worth watching called "Why unloved people hate themselves". That feeling of anxiety about the return of the partner to the house, is the dread that you will now have to adopt the false self again, and because it signifies the end of feeling like you can be relaxed and feel safe. What we unfairly tend to do is to start to resent the partner just for being around us, as though it is their fault we feel the need to adopt the false self, and we start to sabotage the relationship in small ways to try to bring on its ending so we can go back to feeling safe and relaxed in our aloneness. But it is a dilemma, we dont want to lose them, but also crave the feeling of being alone. While growing up we were rejected and punished for being ourselves by the emotionally immature / abusive parent. This leads to creating a false self or mask that we wear in order to avoid being hit, rejected, and treated with loveless disregard by our parent(s) and family members. So when we are in a room with ANYONE, we will adopt the false self, which is draining and unnatural, because it is an act and not genuine. Who am I when I am not performing the act of the false self? A great question to ask oneself. We can clearly see who we are when we are alone, and it is a matter of slowly integrating that authentic self, while in the company of our partner, and eventually, all other people in general. There is also fawning and people-pleasing behaviors to get people to like us and avoid shame and rejection, which is yet again another unnatural and draining, unsustainable act. Self-Love, Self-acceptance is the cure for everything. It is also the hardest to achieve because we have believed just the opposite for so many years, usually since very young. But it is worth pursuing, because any step in this direction is a healing step. There is a wise saying about not trying to polish every leaf on the tree, but to go to the root of the problem, and all the leaves will heal and shine simultaneously. A lack of self-love, self-acceptance IS the root / core issue that leads to all other emotional complications. The book I recommend to read is 'The Human Magnet Syndrome' by Ross Rosenberg - Available on Amazon. Also the book 'Adult Children Of Emotionally Immature Parents' by Lindsay Gibson. We were never the problem, or unlovable, it is simply that our parent(s) were incapable of love and didnt love themselves. It is all part of a long inter-generational legacy of emotional immaturity and selfish lovelessness. Our primary job is to recognize our afflictions, forgive ourselves, love and accept ourselves, let go of resentment for what was done to us, and heal.

[@MsSimpleMovies]

Fear of abandonment tends to come from conditional love from caregivers.

[@h3artands0uLL]

@@HeartFeltGestureholy cow. Thank you for writing this. You’ve explained this better than any therapist I’ve had in the last 10+ years. Also feels like I’m understood. Not broken and something not irreparably wrong with me. I feel bad for my partner because I’m like this. And all they do is try to Love me and I try to push away when I’m feeling secure. But I get anxious and want that love back. It’s a toxic cycle and I wonder myself what the heck is wrong with me. Maybe I’m not cut out for marriage or a relationship. But I do want it in my core. I agree self love is the issue. I’ve struggled with it as long as I can remember. Even when I’ve had mushroom trips which have been healing and give me so much more progress than 6 months of therapy, the root is the lack of self love. I have a workbook my current therapist recommended and I haven’t touched it. So I’m going to go back to it now. And look into the books you suggested. Thank you for writing this. Question: Can we be healed? Like, fully healed? Are we the type to have the happy fulfilled lives and happy loving marriages like we picture in our minds and seem so out of reach? I feel bad for my spouse - maybe they would be better off with someone else or maybe they’re codependent. We have a kid now and I don’t want our child to be like me, instead be secure. Our kid and any future kids will have a very different childhood than mine though. So there are better odds. I just wonder - is there a cure for us? Can self love be attained and we be “okay” and get over this once and for all and live a happy life and others also happy with us?

[@HeartFeltGesture]

​@@h3artands0uLL I am happy to hear that my words spoke so well to your heart and experience. "Can we ever really heal?" I have also used psychedelics intensively. Mushrooms (the 5 dried gram epic journey), LSD, and Mescaline cactus. Remember those states of higher clarity? Well, if you can experience those states of joy and insight, then they are obvious signs of our human potential, they are not just arbitrary drug experiences. They are a window into our spiritual destiny. We are destined not only to fully heal from emotional abuse, but to exist in those states of joy and wisdom permanently, since it is our birth-right and our Native State prior to the body and the world. The true worth of the psychedelic state is to RESTORE FAITH, to have unequivocal proof of the spiritual reality, and not just simply have hopeful belief about it based on reading something. This is a priceless gift. But, we can not eat our way to those higher states and stay there, we will always descend back down to our actual Karmic state, albeit with great insight to integrate. It must be earned through real spiritual work, in the plane of consciousness, in profound meditation. These are called The Great questions that a serious spiritual practitioner must ask; "Who Am I?" "Am I the mind?" "Where Am I?" "What Is Reality?" "What Is Consciousness?" Lets inspect if we are our mind. Answer: No you are not, you are merely witnessing mind forms, but you are not generating the thoughts, although it may seem that you are. When you spontaneously speak, are you thinking everything before you say it? No, it just flows out and can even be a surprise to us as to what comes out (Like, wow, I didnt even know I knew that). Thinking is autonomous (like breathing and the heart beat), as in, it goes on without us. An example? Dreams. Another example, meditation, if you meditate for long enough and go deep enough, you will be able to see the mind manifesting itself while you just stay in the witness position and let thoughts go by without attaching to them and becoming involved in their content, you simply observe thoughts arise, and watch them morph into another thought, and another, like an infinitely branching fractal. So it will become clear, you are not your mind, and you are not generating thoughts, you are in the position to observe / witness the mind, as conscious awareness. THIS is our True Identity - Consciousness Itself, we are not only conscious, We Are Consciousness Itself. This is a profoundly important thing to become aware of. Dont believe the lies of the mind, dont invest yourself in what it has to say. By learning to meditate to become more and more able to stay in the impartial witness position, and slowly but surely, thoughts will begin to lose their power over you and you will experience a feeling of great relief and start to feel lighter and unburdened by the minds incessant negative content, it will subside and become very faint, like a muscle wasting away from non-use. And you will become aware of its nature and know what to do, if it starts chatting bullshit. Dont hate, meditate! Even so-called "good thoughts" arent necessary and are just more of the same bullshit, simply standing back from thinking and merely witnessing the mind as an independent process is enough, this is the liberating process. Then you come to rest in Being, the simplicity of Being is enjoyed. Have you ever observed the peacefulness of a cat purring in the sun and wished for similar contentedness? This is how, to exist without being in a state of dilemma, like there is a constant problem to fix. There is no problem, it is all in the mind. Existence itself is perfect, it is us that is preoccupied and missing the persistent gift of Being Itself. Stay with the practice, and this will bring real and lasting relief and peace. Get your partner to read what I wrote here, and also about how we feel when an other is around us, how it triggers our trauma. This will go a long way to get you both on the same page, and bridge the gap. Communication, honesty, being real, vulnerable, humble, is the soul glue that is needed for love to thrive. We are the break in the chain of intergenerational trauma, we will not perpetuate the loveless legacy, it stops with us, this is a great service to humanity. KZbin doesnt let me post links so I have created gaps in the link so it doesnt detect it. But please go and read this small e-book called "We Are Consciousness Itself" Click on "Read now" and then click the arrows to turn pages. consciousnessitself . org Let me know what you think. The powerful being that wrote this - Adi Da Samraj spiritually visited me on a large dose of mushrooms in my early twenties.

[@mammamonssterr]

My avoidance tells me "there's no way they're going to understand it if I explain it, so I'm better off alone". You know, the avoidance avoidancing. But as the video says, I know this is a trauma response and instead of running away I recognise this is just an illusion and consciously and with intention I open my heart to love, trusting that the other person -who displays green flags and is compassionate- will understand and won't be turned off. It's hard, but it can be done. Though I'm tired of everything being a struggle and piece of work and something that isn't easy and flowing, even something that "should" be natural like love.

[@RPMcM09]

How did you find out you´re an avoidant? If you wouldnt know... would you want a former friend to tell you about this?

[@mammamonssterr]

@@RPMcM09 (long answer coming) I know I'm an avoidant because when I get close to someone I need to run away, and not in a "I want time for myself" kind of way but in a "you're suffocating me!!!! I'm feeling anxious when I'm being loved and something is wrong with me because this should feel good!! I want a partner and passion but when the prospect of having one becomes reality I feel sick to my stomach for some reason!!!" kind of way (exclamation points to highlight the panic of that moment lol). I would want a friend to tell me for two reasons: 1) so I know there's nothing wrong with me and I'm not allergic to love and there is a name and an explanation for my feelings and anxieties and decisions in relationships, and 2) so I can do something about it. I can look at my past and make sense of why I am like this, and I can practice mindfulness when I'm in a close relationship/friendship and I start to panic or feel numb. Knowing is the first step. Good luck!!

[@bearface9706]

If you were given space after a breakup would you ever consider going back to them? Would you say the relief, curiosity and regret stages of breakup are true during no contact?

[@mammamonssterr]

@@bearface9706 as an avoidant if I feel they were worth it I'd try to go back to the relationship. But the other person may not want to make up and that's understandable. If you're dealing with an avoidant you'd have to consider if they will do something about their avoidance. Not only for you but for THEM, because it won't work otherwise. And being relieved after a breakup is normal to avoidant people because the stressor/trigger is no longer in the picture, but down the line you regret the breakup because you miss the other person and realize they were worth it and did nothing wrong. You might feel relieved in the short run but avoidance ruins your life in the long run.

[@vvonderweiss]

"Though I'm tired of everything being a struggle and piece of work and something that isn't easy and flowing, even something that "should" be natural like love." - this!!!

[@christianyaerger1751]

It's taken me many years to come to terms with having C-PTSD and understanding that my Fearful Avoidance comes from "learning" at a young age that intimacy was unsafe. I'm trying to recognize and correct my behaviors while I mend my heart. The "script" you give sounds like a good tool to add to my toolkit. Thank you. :)

[@lijmoo]

Good time to remember that all attachment is on a spectrum. Try not to "put yourself (or others) in a box" with attachment styles (like only being introvert or extrovert). There are times you might be avoidant, and other times you mightn't. You might have traits more of one of the styles, and a bit from another.

[@goodjuju13]

I love this sentiment, this is how I feel. Are you a psychologist?

[@hallierose87]

Yes and there’s definitely such thing as mildly avoidant, or mildly anxious. And attachment patterns are changeable.

[@tthesea5907]

Right, i feel like i am avoidant around certain people but anxious around others, depending on our dynamic

[@beatitude712]

Thank you. This video made me feel AWFUL. your kind remarks helped. ❤❤❤

[@dlobberfinkles2491]

This is very true, and I wish it was talked about more when it comes to the topic of attachment theory. Most of the stuff I find online about it seem a bit reductive. People are so much more complicated than just being one thing or the other

[@NovaSky333]

I had the most patience for my avoidant person until the very end. I will admit I am not perfect and made a few mistakes along the way, but I had the upmost willingness to work through any and all of it. My avoidant person decided to push me so far away, that I doubt we’ll recover. Our relationship has ended. I still love them very much and wish them healing.

[@RPMcM09]

I still love my avoidant. But its the same. It hurts but there is 0 chance that he will ever change.

[@purpleneons]

I feel you there, she has never acknowledged there is anything wrong with her. I was hardly perfect myself, being an anxious type, but at least I was willing to admit to her that I fucked up and I'm willing to work on it in *some* way. She's never done anything even remotely like this, ironically, being a psychology student. It's been some time and I still love her, but this will not ever work out unless she at least admits she needs therapy. I know I do.

[@patrickjoseph31]

I’m in the same boat as you. I loved her so much and just wanted the best for her but she refused to work on herself. I’m an AP and am working toward being secure myself. I know it’s painful. All you can do is love them from a distance and wish the best for them and hope they will want to heal for themselves

[@NovaSky333]

@@patrickjoseph31 thank you sharing

[@coldshatterhand]

"my avoidant" - ? Im sorry but that sounds awfully possessive and objectifying. Labels are for bottles and not for people.

[@frankiecrocker]

I'm in my 60s and I've been avoidant since childhood but didn't know that it was a classification until I happened upon School of Life. I lived in denial of so much for so long. I've suffered from substance abuse because I'm covering up for some still unexplored trauma. A few days ago I found this series on Hulu called UnPrisoned and I binge-watched it, both seasons. I laughed and I cried during every episode. I mean there was always a tear or two even when I was laughing or smiling. It was cathartic for me. I don't know what it was about the show specifically, but I feel different. I've been living in this valley of selfloathing and selfsoothing behavior for years but now I'm looking at that mountain and I want to climb up it. I've felt guilt over wanting to live because I've been raised not to. Better late than never I guess.

[@honeycheesechips]

you go, dude

[@jzen1455]

"It's not you. It's me." - The Avoidant. I often feel inadequate and lacking in the ability to cary on relationships. I lose steam quickly and feel like I have nothing to give no matter how hard I try. I start feeling like an epic failure loser for dissociating and regressing into a one-dimensional soulless automaton.

[@LucyWings]

i relate

[@alinanicoara7775]

Thank you.🙏 I find myself in this struggle. I feel more empowered and more willing to continue to be me and to give myself the posibility to grow.🤗

[@MogMailman]

I really appreciate this video’s recommendation of simply recognizing the avoidant impulse, then finding a way to explain it to whoever you’re with. The alternative is leaning into every avoidant impulse - abandoning closeness despite all of the signs that our needs might actually get met!

[@mad-FrenchS203]

I can relate as well, result of c-ptsd and self confidence destroyed inadvertently by my parents who were suffering too and just unloaded it on the eldest kids. Time to move forward, not easy but yeah I have to

[@IanuaDiaboli]

It’s what my partner always tells me. Thank you for your insight ♥️

[@jelkel25]

Many people don't listen when you give them the "hey, I need my own space sometimes" speech. They nod along and make the right noises but when you really do need that space they've entirely forgotten the conversation you had with them and take your physical or mental absence personally. I have changed the conversation over time to when I say I will be with you I'll be with you 100% but when I havent said I'll be there, I'm doing something somewhere else. I'm not in constant contact by phone and I'm not going to turn up for an hour. I just have to stick to my word and be there when I say I will 100% no matter how much I want to leave and they have to respect that boundary when I'm not there. It isn't ideal but it's listened to a lot more than the I need my space speech.

[@keijimorita1849]

I have very few friends but all of them understand that I need time alone.

[@P___999]

@@FauxFoe Healthy people view love as connection and want to spend relaxed time with the person they're in a relationship with. No one wants a relationship with the pointless games and communication issues avoidants seem to love so much. If you don't like it when people want you in their life, stop dating and leave others alone. Not everyone wants to "control" you. They're just expecting you to act like an adult, not a pouting child.

[@downloadjpg]

@@FauxFoei agree! this video irked me as it really emphasized the idea that something is wrong with you if you want distance. i am avoidant, and my childhood was not at all deprived from love. i just like to be alone more than most people. when that boundary gets encroached upon, i can act irrationally. but my boundaries themselves are not wrong.

[@k.d.2589]

​@@FauxFoeAs a fellow (recovering) avoidant and the opposite of clingy, your actions and words in this thread are a neon sign to others that you are not being honest, both with yourself and others, and that your ego defense mechanisms are working against you. Connection is an indiscriminate human need. While there are people who are controlling, not everyone is, and it's more productive, empowering, and truthful to identify the people who will be controlling or not than to paint everyone with the same broad brush. I know how exhausting and annoying it is to deal with actual clingers, and I'm sure you're all too familiar with it as well given your responses here. It sucks to be dehumanized into some sort of petting zoo animal for others to poke and point and snigger at, but there are respectful and kind people out there who won't do those things. You probably won't change because of some stranger's words over the Internet, but I hope you're doing well or will do well soon.

[@k.d.2589]

@FauxFoe That makes sense. I fully agree with your grasp of people but maybe not the execution of helping them realize it. I did have an inkling that you were playing a character due to your username, but I didn't want to accidentally invalidate someone's feelings based on my intuition and no concrete facts. Have you had any success with this method? I'm curious. Also, thanks for being honest with me. ❤️

[@TheGreatWasian_]

Being in a relationship with an avoidant attachment style person was the saddest thing I ever experienced since at the time we both didn’t know what was going on in terms of why she was acting that way

[@jzen1455]

Why was it the saddest experience? I say this as an avoidant myself. I feel like I run out of steam with people quickly. I may fall in love hard and fast, but then I start feeling like the relationship has run its course after a month or two. I just run out of stuff to say.

[@TheGreatWasian_]

@@jzen1455 that’s kinda funny and ironic that you say that 🤣. The girl and I were doing so good until we got separated due to summer break. During the break, her communication died down and became so awful. She was very emotionally unavailable which made it hard to work through things. After 1-3 months, relationships reach a critical stage where emotional vulnerability is required to make it to the next stage. Basically, she couldn’t pass the stage and I suggested a break out of frustration but she never came back. She said “there was no real chemistry” even though we both know that’s not true. I saw her the other day and I could tell by the way she looked at me that she still likes me. She is textbook avoidant to her detriment, every single sign points to it.

[@jzen1455]

@@TheGreatWasian_ Many people will say "She found someone else". Which may or may not be true. But let's assume it's not true. Sometimes I'll just shut down, and the person I once loved turns into a stranger instantaneously for numerous reason. It's like a switch is flipped and can rarely be unflipped.

[@TheGreatWasian_]

@@jzen1455 she did find someone else but I think it isn’t a coincidence that the guy kinda looks like me and she was talking to him days after we officially broke up. That’s definition of a rebound relationship.

[@sindhusekar1918]

@@TheGreatWasian_ It's like Rachel with Ross and Russ in Friends

[@Bakalakah]

As a person diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder this hit home. I'm crying as it explains it well and thankfully through therapy I am aware of all this and able to express it well to others but this video sure helps to explain where I can't so thank you for this. I thankfully don't have a lot of the worst struggles anymore and am able to connect and bond well over longer periods of time but it took time and effort.

[@Julesyoutoo]

There is no such thing as 'avoidant personality disorder'. The avoidant attachment style was coined by John Bowlby in the 50s. It is a natural reaction to someone not having had their needs met as a child, therefore there is nothing disordered about it.

[@RPMcM09]

Would you want your former friend to tell you, if you didnt know about you being an avoidant?

[@fogwater]

@@Julesyoutoo When was the last time you read the DSM-5, may I ask?

[@Julesyoutoo]

@@fogwater I don't care what your opinion is. I know that avoidance is a style, not a disorder. Sir John Bowlby, the Englishman, coined 'avoidant and anxious attachment styles' in the 50s. I trust my fellow Englishman, not a load of nonsense in some silly USpseudo-psychology book that tells everyone they have some sort of a 'disorder'.

[@fogwater]

@@Julesyoutoo That's all I needed to know.

[@trinar8412]

I am an avoidant. This explains me, and now I can see why my relationships have failed. I wish I hadn't hurt so many people on route to this video. I feel a bit sad now.

[@colegracia2740]

I'm right there with you. I wish I could've seen this video a year ago

[@TonyTheTGR]

There's still an important self-accountability about letting yourself be *receptive to* new programming and experiences, and not letting the damage of our past define our character. Most of this is very solid, but also slightly "fixed mindset" in nature - and the only way to be more comfortable being loved is to PRACTICE BEING LOVED. Which means allowing others to love you. One thing I've found very helpful in this context: LOVE IS NOT ABOUT DESERVING. If you're being demonstrated kindness only after proving a worthiness to it, this is simply respect. Being loved does not require deservedness as a prerequisite - you are loved for the simple decision somebody makes to love you, and to be respectful of this decision is the start of that growth. Maybe you need a "tap out" for when you get overwhelmed and a certain amount of time between tap ins... no more than an hour or so. But the heart a muscle like any other - and with enough reps, you can make yours healthy again.

[@Grace_oGD]

This is lovely. In my experience though people are not trying to be truthful or to learn and grow from their traumas. They seem to just be interested in playing games. It's exhausting. Nothing comforts more than the honest truth. The whole world would be much better if we all started being truthful and stopped playing games.

[@jzen1455]

My mom and her bf (whom my mom cheated with and led to a divorce when I was 8 yrs old) argued nearly 24/7. It got violent at times with a gun pulled on my mom. I sought solace outside the home surfing, staying at friends houses, or being home alone (which was common into late night since I was 5). l ended up moving to my mom's friend's attic when I was 15-16 then moved with roommates at 16 to 17 then back home with my tumultuous family. TV was my babysitter up until I got access to the internet at 15, which is where I found a whole new world of people with whom I could relate to and even meet in person from time to time. I'm 41 now and struggle with forming deep relationships with everyone. I feel like I eventually bore people or they bore me. I struggle to relate to long-term couples or besties who spend lots of time together. I can only tolerate socializing with people no more than 8 hours until I feel like I've run out of things to say and feel a strong desire to retreat into the comfort of my apartment.

[@alpacapaca167]

as a traumatized child, you must have a hard time feeling deserving of love and acceptance. Healing is giving that to yourself. when you accept yourself as you are and love yourself (all versions of you, even the traumatized child) for it you will start to feel the desire to grow and automatically, by nature, you will attract people who treat you the way you treat yourself, this helps build long term relationships with people truly, honestly and authentically. good luck on your journey, its never too early/ its never too late to start right now. also, you can never run out of things to say when you speak of things that truly interest YOU, with the right people.

[@KunalKadu]

​@@alpacapaca167 Thank you! That advice means a lot to me.

[@jzen1455]

@@alpacapaca167 I've been trying to "fix" myself for decades ever since I was a teen. I've consumed a lot of media a lot about psychology, self-improvement, and philosophy. I've gone to therapy. It's been a very gradual progress, but I still almost perpetually feel a sense of being broken. I've come to learn to accept this is who I am while I do my best to make the best of things.

[@fugin4674]

I relate with your problems

[@jamueI]

Isn't 8 hours a lot of time? What'd be the ideal amount of time?

[@MrApw2011]

Then there is anxious avoidant where you love cuddling and having love and making love and being in the company of another person as it fills you up but then when you’re full enough, you do all the avoidant things but keep them secret. Learning this about myself was a huge step forward in my life but somehow when I got better, everything got worse.

[@itsmongi.]

"the madness can be invited into the relationship." i loved that

[@byronraymond244]

It’s good to these all the comments of people who can relate to being an avoidant and working to be better because sometimes this journey can feel lonesome, but not so much now (:

[@RPMcM09]

How did you find out you´re an avoidant? If you wouldnt know about that, would you want a former friend to tell you?

[@byronraymond244]

@@RPMcM09 I found out because the same issues kept coming up in every relationship I would be in. So I did some research and found the different traits of attachment styles, and I felt I could resonate more with the avoidant attachment. If I didn’t know about it, yes I would want a friend to tell me, but of course, with a topic like that I think you would wanna bring it up in a respectful way.

[@RPMcM09]

@@byronraymond244 thank you very much!!! It helps me very much!!!

[@byronraymond244]

@@RPMcM09 of course (:

[@rustyshimstock8653]

Your work skill and insights are very helpful. Thanks.

[@marykrone5652]

Awareness and communication.. thank you Alain

[@amberpalmer3708]

I’m healing from an anxious avoidant attachment. I’ve been anxious and clingy in dating experiences but avoidant in friendships. I’ve learned that the intimacy of friendships is scarier for me because they’ve been able to see me

[@mothegoat06]

The timing of these videos during this period of time is just amazing

[@CurtisMoe]

I felt terrible for needing to flee intimacy in past relationships. They must've thought, wtf happened. I have been more aware and able to communicate my avoidance the past few years, but when the flee feeling arises it still feels so strong amd like the only option is to create distance immediately. Its tough, working through it though with a good therapist.

[@RPMcM09]

I have a question: If you wouldnt know that you´re an avoidant, would you want your friend to tell you? Would you be able to accept that? I´m in that situation but I didnt tell him.

[@crownedone200]

does it ever make u want to cheat?

[@vvonderweiss]

@@RPMcM09 Avoidant people know they are avoidant or check out emotionally. They just don't always know others can easily clock that.

[@Royal_Fortune]

⁠@@vvonderweissI didn’t even know I should be describing myself as avoidant until now and no therapists has been there to tell me so. There are tons of avoidant people who have zero clue their “avoidant” even if they’re aware of their own tendencies.

[@JulianSirian]

I saw myself all over this video... that's me, on my own, in my bed... Thank goodness for spirituality and meditation... That keeps my sanity and gives me hope... Thanks for the video ;-)

[@soulvey]

“I’m a little crazy, but I have a good therapist,” is my tagline.

[@sportlams]

Great video! This really nails the struggles and what it takes to overcome avoidance. If you want to go even deeper with personal development, I highly recommended reading Unveiling your hidden potential by Bruce Thornwood

[@suave5692]

@@sportlams yet another shameless plug, upvoted by bots. Don't be fooled, folks

[@Zurealz]

I would have wished Alain pointed out the huge difference between the 'Avoidant Personality Disorder' issue and the 'Avoidant Attachment Style' issue (the latter of which is what he is describing in the video). Some people may confuse/conflate the two, and though the personality-disorder does have some elements of the attachment-style issues, the 'Avoidant Disorder' is much more dynamic and difficult to describe within a 5 minute video. Most people with the personality-disorder define themselves with the abbreviated 'avoidant' title. So those watching who have been diagnosed with AvPD who clicked on the video hoping for some golden advice from SOF, don't worry, this video isn't talking about you so much.

[@kmalawan]

Only seen it mentioned as a disorder as 'cPTSD attachment disorder' and not at all very commonly, normally gets lumped with disorganised/fearful avoidant attachment style, which while also not healthy, is not as intense or destructive

[@lindylee1139]

I’m happier being single. I have friends and family and peace in my life without the stress of a partner.

[@Flash04Bmw]

Excellent! Let me just add this video to my watch later playlist and watch it when i feel ready.

[@anxietiesandwhatnot29]

This is exactly what I do with every video on this channel😢.

[@omnirhythm]

@@anxietiesandwhatnot29 There's no good reason not to watch a 5 minute video, meaning you may be avoiding hearing what it has to say :)

[@anxietiesandwhatnot29]

@@omnirhythm exactly... The thing is watching the video, reflecting on it, and actually taking a lesson out of it is far easier than jumping over the hump that is my anxiety. I've gone through this many times and it's never easy.

[@StelCreator]

I have videos from this channel coming up in my watch later list from 7 years ago... I totally get it

[@johcal26]

😂😂

[@LyraZhang19]

Conclusion: Warn others and apologize before you act out.

[@vickid9709]

I’ve been loving an avoidant for a little over two years now. And I’m just patiently waiting to not be pushed away at every touch. Good thing is: I have an entire stockpile of patience! 🥰

[@jzen1455]

As an avoidant person myself, you may have to wait for eternity. We value our alone time and can only tolerate spurts of social interaction. We tend to have a revolving door of people in and out out our lives between our long bouts of solitude. The only way for things to work with an avoidant (assuming you're not avoidant yourself) is to openly communicate about the fact you know they're avoidant and that they actively work on their avoidant issues.

[@TheGreatWasian_]

@@vickid9709 I wish I was more patient with my avoidant

[@PaydayGabeBCNV]

​@@jzen1455,, You definitely Nailed that on the head 💯 jzen. Thank you 🙏🏻.

[@RPMcM09]

It wont work. I´m sorry.

[@RPMcM09]

@@jzen1455 Were you aware that you´re an avoidant? How did you find out? If you didnt know you are avoidant, would you want your friend (who knows) to tell you about that?

[@breezybrooks2538]

Omg I don’t know where to begin 😭💗🙌🏾 i’m totally crying, all this was said so beautifully, and with such a huge encouraging undertone. I’m so deep within my avoidant characteristics that I never knew how to even figure out where it came from, much less how to treat it. I will be rewatching this video so so many times, it feels like I finally just got a quick breath of air after drowning for so long 🙌🏾🙌🏾 thank you

[@clementine5053]

My first Boyfriend when i was 18 was an avoidant and i stuck around that man for far too long… settling and crushing my heart in the process. If you are currently in a relationship with an avoidant… just remember your own standards and wants and that mutual love and respect is really and important. Don’t lose yourself chasing or saving this person, they have to deal with they’re own stuff. And you don’t have to put up with it. You deserve Love and there is healthy love out there

[@aniriex]

I am an avoidant and I was in a similar position as yours. He was an anxious. Met him at 17, separated at 24

[@Royal_Fortune]

You could maybe not paint all avoidants with the same brush as your boyfriend. You’re giving people the wrong message about them. You talk about them working their stuff out but you also say it while generalizing. Talking about finding “healthy love” elsewhere while generalizing would have someone thinking you couldn’t find that kind of love from an avoidant. I myself am one but it’s not like I want to remain like this or don’t want to give people the love they deserve. It sucks being described like that. Please understand.

[@youtubeaccountserio2633]

All avoidants or most never understand

[@ModdyPuppets]

Some of us may never hear that speech from our avoidant partners, so it’s nice to hear it here, gain some perspective and continue showing patience. It is difficult at times, but they are so worth loving ❤

[@RPMcM09]

Yeah but I think avoiders dont love us, so the speech is a little off.

[@ModdyPuppets]

@@RPMcM09 They do love us, they just don’t know how to show it, and we expect it to look a certain way so we don’t always realize when they ARE showing it. Each person is different, of course, but when you learn your person, you’ll start picking up on their odd little ways of showing you that they love you

[@jzen1455]

@@RPMcM09 Avoidants love people. But we struggle to express it. We often feel unworthy of love and will downplay our love for others to match the level of love we perceive (often incorrectly) others have for us. We struggle to get close to people because we keep thinking "I't's just a matter of time before they stop loving me, so I'll put in little effort for this love thing that has an inevitable expiration date." But our aloofness tends to push people away and confirms our assumption that the love is just temporary.

[@Sotebolikurac]

@@jzen1455 well said

[@LauraPerez-es8jr]

​@@jzen1455ufff Im soon to be divorced from my avoidant husband and your comment makes me feel really sad for you and him. At the end I ( an anxious) had to choose myself, so thats why Im moving on. I hope you find the love you deserve, if you want it. You seem to have a good understanding of your situation.

[@eli7527]

And remember, “avoidant” is a label. And the bottom line is that you are a human being. You might have some traits of an avoidant and simultaneously have just as many traits as a securely attached person. It’s helpful to get insight on attachment styles and behaviors but we are not “ill” and there is nothing actually wrong with us, we are just people.

[@user-ct9nh8np6e]

Exactly! I’m emotionally independent and self fulfilled but with very special people who are likewise self contained I have very long lasting multi-decade even in some cases fulfilling relationships. I don’t see anything wrong with being this way and value my varied connections that are the same and dont feel the need to use others to emotionally regulate all their big emotions and then try to label people who are really just quite capable of managing themselves and dont feel like relationships should be this big co dependency fest with tons of emoting all over each other and act like we are somehow broken or should want to be otherwise

[@youtubeaccountserio2633]

You are damaged

[@user-ct9nh8np6e]

@@youtubeaccountserio2633 being a happy, empathetic but introverted person who enjoys their own company and doesn’t need constant company and is fairly choosy about whom they allow into their life is not damaged. Its just not as common.

[@PaydayGabeBCNV]

Thank you SOL 🙏🏻. I've had bouts of this for years and years. Now I can honestly understand why. I truly would love to have that special love,, but damn I fear it 💔. Permanence in my opinion is a fleeting fantasy. And at my age(65) it's even more of a challenge. Solitude is a comfort zone for me. Not a purgatory. Been burned too many times before to casually indulge in a Intimate relationship and expect genuine reciprocal care. I'm a realist.😑 I found a really profund quote today that hit hard. "Expeditions are the shovel that bury relationships!" Wow..🤌 I keep my expectations very low. Again,, thank you, and any thoughts are welcome. Cheers 🍻, G. In beautiful Boulder City Nv. USA 🇺🇸

[@nancyaustin9516]

Oh dear, this video nails some things that I wished I’d understood about myself 40 years ago when I was a young adult. My poor husband and son! How much craziness and hurt this might’ve saved us. After listening/watching I read the transcript and I think I may have to copy it into my journal to read every once in a while. Even the stuff about canceling weekend plans is so spot on-I did that! More than once….ugh!

[@NomNomm6063]

I appreciate the encouragement. Personal experience shows me daily that people suck and it’s ultimately pointless. I serve a different master. I’m through with society.

[@desareadoodles9446]

Certainly feel this about myself. It seems like every step is me wanting training wheels while others already know tricks & more. The only way to learn is honest & with others. There’s a lot I’m learning. I often say I’m a cactus and wish I were other pretty & more welcoming flowers. I’m accepting I’m not & working on it.

[@BonIvermectin]

I recently ruined a connection by being an anxious-attached, but I did it through avoidant means lol... Seeing this was very convicting

[@soulfulserenity8522]

The simple but valuable addage of: 'honour how you feel', no matter how dark it may seem, and those who can stay, will. I'm Secure attachment and used to blame myself a lot when I wasn't aware that people being articulate and brave in love wasn't common but now I know that, it's helped me build better relationships with all attachment styles. It's not talked about much but Secure can be alienating too because the one major flaw of it is the lack of relating to and knowing and understanding fully how sensitive and fragile others can be merely by your honesty and willingness and responsibility, accountability and resolution-based ethic. A flame can expose others whereas exposition has never bothered me. I had to learn that sharing and co-existence isn't always appreciated. That my flame will scare others and there's nothing I can do about that. Being a gay man has also made that harder as most gays are very wounded because of the excessive negative experiences with males. But it's fun to learn Benjamin. I love him with all of my heart. He struggles to see why I still hold onto him but I'm fine away from him and with him because I can love from afar. Yin and Yang. Synergy.

[@biltonomega5682]

What a time for this video to be uploaded. What a coincidence

[@byronraymond244]

I feel this same way. The timing is just perfect. I’m wishing you all the best in your journey 🫶🏻

[@aliefgusti4761]

Same here. I wish all of you the best on the process too

[@Benevolentjozo]

Swear

[@Shawn-pk4hc]

in synchronicity

[@TobyChidolueT]

I swear, I feel the same way

[@Someoneswildestdreams]

Wow, this whole time I thought I was avoidant, turns out I was anxious attachment this whole time. I understand attachment styles now though because I have dealt with avoidant and egotistical exes before so this video helped me put things into place mentally. Thank you again School of Life!

[@mahakala]

you attract avoidant if you are anxious.

[@runswithbears3517]

"I'm a little crazy, but I have a good therapist," - what a banger of a line. :'D

[@frostyrobot7689]

It's taken decades for me to be told this in a proper manner, and thank you for that.

[@jacoreyjackson6419]

Gratefully sent this to a prospect. It did not go longer than one week!

[@grey7040]

Hey could we get a flashing light warning at the start of the video, or at least for future videos for the red/white background changes around 3:40? It's intense enough to activate major neurological events in people with photosensitivity. A quick warning is all it takes to keep people safe, and give them the opportunity to make an informed decision.

[@bljackson0715]

This ! I just left a similar comment.

[@palomawhite6210]

So beautifully expressed. So grateful to this channel for its regular calm educating.

[@Myfreetherapy]

I love this so much. I also love how you could replace avoidant for addict and this whole thing would still work.

[@alinanicoara7775]

Thank you.🙏 I find myself in this struggle. I feel more empowered and more willing to continue to be me and to give myself the posibility to grow.🤗

[@breal7277]

Some people should be alone. Coupling is not for everyone but society goes out of their way to force this as the only option. In the end, it doesn't matter if you are in a couple or alone, happiness is an inside job and you can be happy or unhappy either way.

[@robertdeskoski9783]

Yes, why be a social creature? It's not like we're descended from monkeys, ya know.

[@KyuuKirigaya]

thumbnail: “dont avoid this” my avoidant ass: *avoid the video*

[@DavesOSTs]

😂😂😂🤌🏽👍🏼

[@IanuaDiaboli]

2:29 this happens so many times to my partner, especially in periods of stress. Thank you @schooloflife for apologizing on his behalf.

[@exposez]

Almost had forgotten how easy and beautiful the school of life can express complicated topics ❤

[@Makesometea]

I think that just by being aware of the condition and sharing it to your partner(s) won't necessarily make such a big change. It will certainly soften the edges of the problem and we can consider it to be the first step but the problem is still there. The other partner will continue to feel abandoned, alone, being treated coldheartedly and sometimes even ashamed and devalued. I mean the behaviour and hence the feelings triggered out of it will still be there. What's more, avoidants tend due to their upbringing to not be the best people for communicating and opening up. They fear confrontation so it's like a situation with no way out. I understand that everyone ideally should be able to give and receive love but that means EVERYONE, including the other side as well.

[@52andattitude48]

Good god it’s like you read my mind! I was reading up on my Dismissive Avoidant style for two hours before this popped up in my feed.

[@HeyCoachBarbara]

Understanding complex trauma will help a lot. For any avoidant, remind yourself that you are worthy and deserve of love. Just take your time to building a meaningful connection. And remember this, haste is waste so don’t rush trying to build a bond too quickly. It will take time so don’t rush yourself or let anyone rush you, especially when dealing with people with anxious attachment issues.

[@Bat_Boy]

Balance. The middle path. Hold an egg too tight, it cracks. Hold it too loose, it falls and breaks.

[@Present4]

This should have 8 billion views.

[@D_veraz]

This Is me. Thank you for this, now I know what i need to do.

[@SheridansSojourn]

My husband didn't fully show his avoidant behavior until after we were married. I wish I had been aware of attachment theory sooner. I might not have spent 30 years trying to figure our why he rejected me.

[@mimimimufn]

I'm just gonna forward this video to my next potential of a partner, as a recovering avoidant. ❤

[@RPMcM09]

Congratulations. I wish my avoidants would have choose to heal.

[@colegracia2740]

@@RPMcM09 if it helps you at all I'm an avoidant who's choosing to heal. I hate that I've hurt people the way I have and I'm done doing it

[@gammamaman]

Man, I needed this video so bad!

[@helenstrub]

After decades of learning avoidant attachment but only starting to understand it a few years ago, I cling to hope that I can turn it around and learn how to love securely at some point. I'm committed to hard work in therapy; in theory I understand why I'm like this but there's a very small, very young, very scared part of me that's terrified of growing into what feels like would be a different person. Logically I know my life would be better when I'm not blowing up relationships when they get too good. Emotionally it's a constant struggle with that part of myself who clings to defense mechanisms from childhood that honestly never really served me but I didn't know any better. It might take a few more decades to finally recover from my avoidant tendencies but it's got to get done. I'm not done fighting for myself yet.

[@DJCVSTRO]

this was so beautiful. this channel has been so helpful to me, thank you.

[@Cinephileofmany]

I think I might be avoidant. I’m 38 and single. Have been most of my life apart from a couple of short lived gf’s. I’ve always told myself it’s because I can’t land the type of woman I’d ideally like, but I’m also suspicious of myself, in the sense that I have turned down women who like me, just because I don’t fancy them all that much physically. It’s a tough one.

[@katl8825]

have you considered your sexuality as well? I'm learning that the asexual umbrella is much wider than I originally thought (and the distinction of sexual vs romantic attraction), and gave me a better frame for understanding myself (still a WIP). realizing that I have a lot of avoidant tendencies and pinpointing some of the causes was like the other half of the puzzle to me. :')

[@theodentherenewed4785]

Men tend to pick partners based on visual impressions, more so than women, it's due to natural selection biological instinct. Looks represent genome and we use the information to assess the genes that could be passed down to our offspring. It's clear that people can work past that instinct, it just that not everyone can.

[@micheleinacharles-hazellem1968]

This made me cry

[@lolodaloco6385]

I think I’m not equipped to handle how real this is for me so I’m just gonna pretend I didn’t see it until it pops up again

[@DesignatedChimpTickler]

how has that worked for you? Also, here's this video popping up again

[@neilmarkcorre5524]

Thank you for this video. Finally something to send to people because I can't put these to words myself.

[@PhantomPhoton]

If your partner does not reciprocate affection, and actively distances themself from you, move on. I hope people who have avoidance issues are able to work through those issues, but for people finding themselves in a relationship with someone who has avoidant tendencies, and who is being hurt by this, you deserve better. A relationship is a two-way street, and while certain things in a relationship will never be equal, you cannot be giving more than you are getting when it comes to love and affection.

[@Raincat961]

I'm an avoidant guy. Fell deeply in love with a girl in 2017. Didn't understand what avoidant behaviour was then, or how my childhood affected me in my relationship. After one final conflict in 2019 - just before the pandemic - she dumped me and moved on. It's August 2024 now and I still haven't recovered from it. I still love her deeply, and it's hard for me to imagine being with someone else. Of course, she is with someone else now. I don't know if I can love again.

[@rogalabc4412]

5 years have passed man, move on. Dwelling on the past is just wasting life.

[@RPMcM09]

@@rogalabc4412 not very helpful

[@sarahsue42]

Start with loving yourself... properly

[@sarahevanson-isaac7237]

Could you imagine learning how to build trust again with a therapist? It's natural to grieve the end of a relationship. Five years on, you might be dealing with grief over many things that the end of the relationship evoked and not as much the grief of the end of the relationship itself anymore. Maybe a counselor or therapist could help create this safe space for you to unpack this grief. ❤

[@vvonderweiss]

Make new memories. Don't let that breakup be your loudest memory. Relaying the past keeps your brain hyper-fixated on it. The breakup was bound to happen because of where you both were in life, wanting things your partner wasn't able to provide. Keep yourself busy and interact with new people. Grieve but don't wallow. If you wallow in misery, you will only invite people looking for misery companions to validate their own misery. Just keep moving forward, it's the only option, even if you have to pick up new hobbies as a distraction.

[@naturalebeing]

I’m guessing it’s a bad sign that I know I could not express this stuff to my partner without him getting insecure and upset and taking it the wrong way.

[@VthaHoneyBadger]

Fantastic and phenomenal

[@MrOuest]

Just added this to my 'Watch Later'.

[@elaineross9365]

Your voice is lovely.

[@combustiblehare]

Thank you for this video. It really speaks to how I feel.

[@SRHisntSilent]

This was definitely me but i'm doing better as i actively try to address my avoidance as the years go on. I think I'd be better adjusted if i was able to afford therapy

[@mASTERtOMMYg]

😥 Incredible work. I cried

[@eleanorclub]

This is great! Full of insights (and useful language). Thanks for posting.

[@tanzinamanzur4514]

Hello Alain, can you please make a video differentiating avoidants and narcissists? They look similar from afar!

[@App.ollo_]

I really really needed this video right now, and to think I almost avoided it...

[@Dbutant1601]

Make one on anxious ones

[@josefinetorresolesen]

I’m an avoidant and am so lucky I found a man who understands and is patient. I hate hugs and his love language is touch, he loves hugs - I’m able to compromise and give him some, but I am able to say no not right now I don’t feel like it and he’ll totally understand and just go do other things ❤️

[@beatitude712]

Wow I normally love these videos.. But this one made me feel absolutely awful...like I'm 'broken', totally damaged goods, I will totally understand if you can't love me. I do take responsibility for my Avoidant behaviours, I do understand they can be hurtful to others while I'm acting out of deep rooted fears of dependency.. But to be honest, while the advice is very well intended, it broke my heart a little more then it's ashtray been broken 😢😢

[@Novech22]

This is an incredible video. Thank you so much!

[@GG-mn9ls]

saved to ‘watch later’ thank you

[@HeitorIkedaTioBa]

wish I’d seen this video two years ago. I wouldn’t have thrown the love of my life away.

[@gwenau08]

Thank you so much 🙏

[@shmuel6]

Knocks it out of the park as always.

[@kamikamimnm]

The problem is that today most of the people struggling with avoidant issues are embracing it instead of resolving it healthily. which leads to a lot of deep shame-burdening and intensified narcissistic traits

[@NikkiEdmunds]

I can relate so well to this.

[@CuriosityIgnited]

So, basically, my emotional support dog might need an emotional support dog. Got it.

[@PaganMan1966]

100% relate to this. Makes sense now. Great video 💚

[@DnTironfilms]

Sh*t, this is so me. Thank you very much for making me aware of my own being. I need to work on this

[@FRforcing]

I choose to be avoidant, had the perfect love from my parents, but after personal experiences I had with girls both as I child and teenager i choose peace, I honestly couldn't belive and still can't that someone can be so evil, for some of us this world and what we encounter is straight hell, but we can find peace at the end, just need to be left alone more often than others.

[@rossanafioravanti8526]

If I met someone Id like, I could try that speech. But it happens very rarely because its hard for me to find someone I really like.

[@MissBlueEyeliner]

Love all these videos but *PLEASE but a flash warning if there are going to be flashing light.* That really took me off guard and my epilepsy barrier is low, this doesn’t matter to the vast majority of people but there are still some who can go into a seizure due to photosensitive epilepsy.

[@Skuu]

yes, this

[@dallasss100]

Great piece of humanity to watch!

[@MejiaComedy]

Sometimes you may seem avoidant or be accused of being avoidant when your partner is physically destructive and abusive. Space is important and required sometimes. Stay safe.

[@millerrepin4452]

Sorry to hear that you had to go through with that. The best you could ever do is tell them what specific behavior they have is making you scared and hurting your need for safety. Then it's there response that decides whether you break up or not. Stay safe.

[@liyah9615]

This video just called me out fr😮 I'll try to do better tho, Thank you Tsol.💘