One Tension That Exposes A Narcissist's Emptiness

How you relate with people is directly impacted by your own internal steadiness...or lack of. Dr. Les Carter cites one specific tension that narcissists carry which makes it difficult for them to engage well with you. The lack of inner steadiness translates into the lack of relationship success.
If you are interested in online therapy, Dr. Carter has a sponsor who can assist. Go to our sponsor betterhelp.com/drcarter for 10% off your first month of therapy with BetterHelp and get matched with a therapist who will listen and help.
📣 Dr. Carter's new course, Anger Games, is live! 📣
Learn more about the course and register at: courses.survivingnarcissism.t...
Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder. Since creating his KZbin channel, his videos have received more than 115 million views.
Join the Team Healthy community HERE: survivingnarcissism.tv/subscr...
Check out videos, articles, quizzes, and more at our website: survivingnarcissism.tv
You can follow Surviving Narcissism on:
Twitter: @SNarcissism101
Instagram: @survivingnarcissism101
Facebook: @survivingnarcissism101
Dr. Carter has three other courses that you may find to be useful:
Free to Be: Reclaim & rediscover your uniqueness survivingnarcissism.tv/free-t...
This Is Me: Setting boundaries with the controllers in your life survivingnarcissism.tv/this-i...
Ready, Set, Connect: Strengthen relationship skills; live authentically survivingnarcissism.tv/ready-...
Dr. Carter's personal website: drlescarter.com/
Dr. Carter's other KZbin channel: / drlescarter
Bookstore: survivingnarcissism.tv/books-...

[@douaa1934]

The narcissist needs you , more than you need them

[@jodycasey6936]

There’s a song I attribute to that. Dave Gahan - I need you

[@mireadossantos4610]

You're right about that.

[@AndeThompson-ex6sv]

Love, love, love this!

[@grantaugustyniak6667]

So very true

[@steviefazza8750]

Yes but they need their fake image maintained to outsiders more than they need you.

[@emmaseguin6051]

that’s why narcissists are exhausting to be around, do yourself a favor, avoid them

[@hopeinhumanity.]

Incredibly.

[@conniedean3862]

Yea exhausted! Their negativity and bragging drive me nuts

[@roxymovie3938]

People who are connected with themselves, are at peace with themselves. Narcs are never at peace.

[@yukio_saito]

They loathe themselves.

[@t_nels]

​@@yukio_saitobut they lay it on you.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

Well said ❣️

[@prinsessaization]

What an exhausting way to live 😢

[@yukio_saito]

@@t_nels Yes

[@roxymovie3938]

The obvious tension is agressiveness of all kinds - passive like stonewalling, silent treatment, blaming others etc. and active like raging, yelling etc. This exposes an inner emptiness.

[@mildreddavis1684]

Today (June 1) is World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day.

[@MarianneCatherine]

That's good to know! All this has to be brought into the light!!! Thank you! 😊

[@maureengauvin1768]

WOW!!

[@onloveandsublimation4912]

I just learned something new. Thank you.

[@DustinBeyetteThePerson]

Happy belated. Thanks for sticking around.

[@SusieBear-ji3hq]

Oh boy let's celebrate lol

[@roxymovie3938]

A person with an inner steadiness does not need to defend. A Narc will always react with defensivness.

[@Hatbox948]

With my nex you couldn't even broach a subject whereby you pointed out something he did that was objectionable. He'd always start yelling "oh, it's all my fault, everything is my fault". This sets the course for you having to respond by saying "no, I didn't mean that." It's so tiring and repetitive. After a while you just give up.

[@xsotica]

Should just be saying yes it is ur fault! Always ur damn fault! Are u blind or plain dumb?!.... Says noone ever​@@Hatbox948

[@R.E.STAR24]

​@@Hatbox948 I had the same thing. They get crazy

[@XOChristianaNicole]

@@Hatbox948- Lol, are you sure your nex, isn’t my mother?

[@amandaliverpool3374]

@@Hatbox948 my stepfather was like that ❣️

[@SheenaRea]

Sums it up perfectly. "They're constantly seeking someone to make them feel special." They crave flunkies and yes people. Wow!!! That helps me understand. Thank you, Dr!

[@CandiGiampi]

Your statement alone sums it up in a sentence..😊

[@RobertEsparza-zc2ou]

Man, community, I'm sorry, hec when I first joined I flipped my wig, the community, does go through, I'm sorry, yea feed them to the dogs, hec I was bad enough, your trying to be cool to people you love, I sit there and watched, I never said, F you, yea buddy, o I'm a off base too, but hec I was part of this, I kept letting you, be what, bad dog, I'm sorry, folks, it's rough and tough, now I'm stuck on, empty, my community is the best, they care for people's, life source, they do the good normal, my go team healthy, linda in Texas, and than you got, cool folks, that care, bam from way over yonder, the questions, man, you folks, make me feel, part just fine, man dude, howdy newbies, bam,

[@braveheart977]

Agree...they like " lesser " people to make them feel better than thou.. disgusting, isn't it?

[@SusieBear-ji3hq]

Wow he saw me, in addition to everything else, as being a flunkie, smh lol

[@EasyRussianLessons]

Please, pray for me. I've been dealing with people Dr. Les Carter talks about. It's unbelievable how selfish/self-centered some people are!

[@caroleminke6116]

You’re stronger than you know!

[@M_SC]

It’s very hard to believe. They are different creatures. Don’t think of them as selfish people but a as demons who are sometimes fun.

[@braveheart977]

​@@M_SC Good one!!

[@MarianneCatherine]

I'll be praying for you 🙏 🙏🙏 Take good care of yourself and listen and learn from Dr C. 😊 he knows what he's talking about!!!

[@AndeThompson-ex6sv]

It only gets worse. Don’t allow them to deplete you. I try and have post its or say encouraging bible verses, in my mind. You are worthy, and you are in my prayers!🙏

[@michelepascoe6068]

They don't value good character; only accomplishments and outward appearances, whether real or not real.

[@deemaysie6568]

Yes this is an absolutely spot-on observations. Wish I hadn't wasted so many years of my life caring about these people.

[@michelepascoe6068]

@@deemaysie6568 me too. And feeling hurt when I was told that I'd "accomplished nothing". We had different priorities and values.

[@lisawells9905]

Had a narcissist try to get back in my life recently. I had a health issue and she thought I would drop my guard if she showed "concern " I didn't fall for it.

[@sheilajac]

they are in constant defence mode...is my guess. always hyper-vigilant of perceived "slights"" and criticism always on edge ready to defend against any perceived slight or criticism. PRICKLY. always! ironically, they're often "judging" and criticizing and sighting others, behind their backs, or under their breath... nd that is almost always, projection! sometimes they accurately see a fault in another, but only because they also carry that fault. but believe they have no faults or issues. madness-making!

[@stringmagicmom]

Precisely. You nailed it.

[@yukio_saito]

You reflect on yourself, but they deflect themselves onto you. 😮

[@CC..Jeremiah9_24]

I try patience, but I need work because I’m so sick and tired of the bologna. Divorce is the goal, and the freedom and peace I crave. God willing,soon. Thank you Dr. Carter.

[@jeanaallison7236]

Divorce my goal too. Peace.

[@Encornelious]

Mine also

[@homedecorfantasy9392]

Me too- but how do you divorce a narc?

[@siltru5255]

Set up your ducks first- they most likely will try to screw you over

[@Sues007]

I've been free of the abuse for about a week now. What a roller coaster ride it has been! Thank you...

[@MarianneCatherine]

Congratulations!!! Good for you!!! 😊👍👍

[@yukio_saito]

Glad to hear you got off the rollercoaster. 🎢

[@cassiebennet4262]

What's it like to decompress from it? Is the release from the abuse in it of itself exhausting?

[@Sues007]

@@cassiebennet4262 the first feeling is total and complete happiness because they tried to tell me it was always my fault. Then it got a bit hard but it's so wonderful I'd say it leans way to the good side now! Only a week in...I just found out about this stuff.

[@Sues007]

Now I feel I have my life back for the first time almost. It is surreal to feel this good!

[@roxymovie3938]

Individuals who constantly need to hide their true feelings, are showing the world that there is nobody at home.

[@jodycasey6936]

Nobody’s there!!!!!!

[@PantaRhei-wz5zn]

The problem is that victims can develop this bug in return... (as it is 100% unsafe to express true emotions in such a climate)

[@gertrudewest4535]

They don’t need to prove anything to the world and neither do you.

[@SuB-gy4rb]

60+ years of hiding my true feelings because I knew (from childhood) I’d be attacked for my feelings/thoughts, with the added bonus of them telling me that I was manipulating them - I keep to myself nowadays. It’s lonely but not so upsetting. I trust no one any longer.

[@zoespiteri5034]

​@@SuB-gy4rb me too 😊

[@kennethlapointesongwriter3330]

They need external validation. The more self-importance a person has and continually blows their own horn about themselves, the less actual importance they have to the world around them---and the more actual importance a person has to the world around them, you could barely get them to blow their own horn if your life depended on it. Guess which one narcissists fit!

[@michelepascoe6068]

I still don't understand how they can feel better about themselves by destroying others, and get schadenfreude from the pain they cause ... even harming their own child or spouse.

[@bikerd72]

...total lack of empathy 😪

[@ljjae1648]

its baffling and deeply depressing. i often sit isolated, in shocked silence that these things are actually happening and theyre fine with that

[@bikerd72]

@@ljjae1648 It's not that they are "fine" with it, they just plainly do NOT care at all about others! :-( nothing we can do about it....

[@ljjae1648]

@@bikerd72 seems so very true for years now yet still difficult to understand how thats possible 😢

[@michelepascoe6068]

@@ljjae1648 yes. I had to embrace "radical acceptance" and just believe that they did it all intentionally. I had to stop excusing them, "She doesn't understand," "She just doesn't think," etc. They lie and are two-faced and are cruel and manipulative. That is who they are. I started to just observe what they did, and when they did it, I would stop being shocked, calm my emotions, and remind myself, "That is what they do. They've done it before and they'll do it again. It's their choice. I didn't cause it even though they blame me. Nothing anyone else did could make me do that. They are responsible for what they do and say, and I am responsible for what I do and say." As Dr Carter says, " Know what you're dealing with and make adjustments accordingly." I had to detach emotionally and let go of false hopes of acceptance, understanding, reconciliation. Learn to be more objective (facts) and less subjective (emotions). Anna Runkel the Crappy Childhood Fairy has a free downloadable list of Ten Emergency Measures for when you're emotionally disregulated and teaches a Daily Practice to calm anxiety. Learn about healthy boundaries. Best teaching I've found is Lysa Terkeurst's book Good Boundaries and Goodbyes. No more JADE (Justifying Arguing Defending or Explaining) Just stop getting caught up in their drama. Explaining again won't make them understand, just like it didn't work the past 100 efforts to explain. Dr C's video Calm Confidence helps. I hope you can get out of your trauma bond shackles. It felt like loss to me, but it was really the way to freedom. I had thought I was loyal trying endlessly to restore relationship, but they were just using me as scapegoat and servant. Now I have hardly any family left which is sad, but I have no bullies in my life, which is wonderful! I can just be with people who reciprocate love and kindness.

[@AnneReimer]

Sooo sad to have to live a life with such emptiness and have to kick and scream to get some value.The way narcs tend to use their vises to get it is disgusting and revoking. Stay true to oneself team healthy😅

[@roxymovie3938]

The opposite of emptiness is being fullfilled. Being fullfilled shows up in being able to feel, express and share joy, happiness, peace etc. Narcs cannot experience these emotions.

[@caroleminke6116]

😉

[@fiyepjio6194]

May I add, also being able to be genuinely happy for others.

[@cassiebennet4262]

I thought almost this exact same thing 2 days ago. They are quite empty and have nothing to share. It's an illusion.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

@@fiyepjio6194 True 👍

[@judimunro9279]

I have noticed they are ever chasing pleasures/experiences as well. Anyone else see these patterns? Ie: constantly vacationing, sports competitions, event attendance, etc…

[@sandrasanders-jr6qx]

They do all the vacation, experience lots of different things, sport attendees just so they can be around people that they can let everyone know they have LOTS OF CONNECTIONS-Please, not impressive .

[@Hatbox948]

Yes. My nex always needed buddies to attend gatherings with him. He couldn't do anything outside of work alone. He needed people to plan fun for him.

[@cassiebennet4262]

They need constant distractions from their crushing inner criticism and self loathing.

[@XOChristianaNicole]

No. My mother is the exact opposite - and her own mother, diagnosed NPD, was a bit in-between.. I’ll share my experience, being I have an official NPD diagnosis, in my family.. If anything, I am like how you stated, in your comment (I have BPD; wouldn’t be surprised, if that contributed). Well, not to an excessive degree. At least, not since I deal with such severe fatigue and health issues. I use to be like that, more so,before I became disabled/bedridden/housebound, for a near decade - all from the absolute wreck life-long excessive exposure to cortisol/adrenaline does, on One’s body (Cushing’s Syndrome). And if anything, that FOMO contributed to me not being able to accept I was sick, and needed to let go of the outside world, and rest and heal. Though, before I became severely disabled - I was always out at shows, when I lived in Hollywood. That’s one of my greatest joys, in life. My grandmother would always take me to concerts, growing up - because I was autistically obsessed with country music. And back then, it wasn’t cool to listen to country music, with people my age - so, she was the one I did it, with (now, she has dementia, and anytime I put ANY old artist on, especially, country.. She smiles and goes “Johnny Cash.” Even when I play Dolly Parton, lol). If anything, my grandmother put the most effort into helping me develop self-esteem, regardless of her NPD - at least, while I was a child, before I became more defiant to her behaviors. I can’t say that’s true, for her treatment of my mother and aunt. Though, I can’t say that’s true of my mother’s treatment, of me, either. My grandmother was the kind to be very social, around town - she’d chit-chat, with anyone. Though, usually she’d talk some sort of shit, afterwards - usually, about something she had “heard,” about ‘em. Was it true? Sometimes. Always difficult to tell when. However, she rarely vacationed, went to events - opened her freakin’ windows/blinds.. I do the same thing. Chit-chat with people, I mean. I have to have my windows open on full blast - it makes me upset, and even angry, to be in a shut-in room. I feel trapped (I am not claustrophobic, though). Not the talking shit and not going to events part, either. If anything, again, I’m the opposite - and I tend to talk to the kind of people most wouldn’t expect a lady to talk with. Hell, I spent an hour talking with a super grimy and greasy busker, about music and self-development, in the In-N-Out parking lot, last week. It was a blast, and very impactful. I happened to find a $4 lottery ticket, the other day - so, I had $4 cash, to give him. I always appreciate someone having that courage and vulnerability, to go play music out in public, on their own. I’d like to be able to do that. My mother, if anything, has social anxiety (unless she’s working - then, she usually ends up being promoted to managerial). We go wherever we’re going - and then we go home. And if we don’t go home, when she wants - she gets mean, in one form or another. Never goes with the flow, of the day. Not. At. All. And if anything, she leeches onto my interested and likes, as well as the social activities I do. Well, kinda. She won’t force herself, into things; though, if I include her, or share some of it, with her - there are many times it‘s become her “favorite.” Like, I love heavy metal music. I watched the Killswitch Engage DVD until I almost wore it out, when I was 20, almost 20 years ago. She learned the songs, and about the band, just by me watching the DVD over and over, and my talking about ‘em. A few years later, they were playing right around the corner, from me, in Hollywood. She would be in town, and I bought us tickets. Well, anytime I am with her, and a conversation about heavy metal music comes up, with a another person (surprisingly, not that uncommon) - TO THIS DAY - she’d butt in and say how HER favorite metal band, is Killswitch Engage.. And say how I bought her tickets, once - for HER birthday. Our birthdays are freakin’ five days apart. She has absolutely zero clue of what other metal bands exist. Well, that’s not entirely true, I suppose .. Before I had my awakening, as to what type of person, she is - she had come with me, to a friend’s show, who were on tour, with metal bands. Though, she isn’t familiar with their music. And I don’t think she can, necessarily, pick out KsE’s music - unless it was on that DVD. That’s just one small example.

[@XOChristianaNicole]

@@Hatbox948- Sounds similar to my mother. Was always highly respected, at her job, before she retired. Yet, unless she was socializing through other people.. She would stay locked in her house, with the windows shut. Unless she went outside, to smoke. However, she lives on her iPhone. I think she’s gonna morph into a hunchback, at some point.

[@jeanaallison7236]

It's tiring for me 😢 for all of us. But how the heck do the narcs keep it up? All the lies and manipulation? Silently angry 24/7 but don't dare try to have empathy for them... don't even bother 😢 this will just piss 'em off.

[@patriciaalbertson5183]

I've wondered myself.... Maybe it adds to their misery. It's all self deception!

[@laurelbarlow5733]

Self worth comes from within. It is what you think about yourself.

[@2kme199]

My ex Narc steals lives. He stole my life THREE times, all the people including my children and family (former), friends (former), and anything material through the courts. I rebuilt THREE times Every time I succeed from a distance, he is furious and based on the past, he is plotting against me again and will NEVER stop. People underestimate how low these creatures will go. Please don’t do this! Get far far away and leave no openings. This is difficult with children but even so, the less contact with ANYONE who talks to the narc the better. I’m seriously thinking about vanishing if I can.

[@user-or7jn2pp4f]

Totally my husband, in his conversations most likely will involve a person or people. He can’t even drive on the highway before everyone else doesn’t know how to drive. Everything is always coming together to make his life and him in particular disadvantaged

[@malcolmwaddilove1822]

Yes, every other driver is at fault

[@chelceasurgenor598]

This is my husband as well!

[@caroleminke6116]

I’m working on my reactivity now that I’ve survived all the narcissists but I notice a big swing between alone time & public interaction. I now have zero tolerance for narcissistic abuse of any kind & it’s crazy how rampant narcissism is in our toxic culture. If narcs are takers & we’re givers then the imbalance in society is a very serious problem. Earth itself is at risk of destruction. Can all our woes be traced back to those cult leaders who through wars & power plays have made a hell on earth here?

[@amandaliverpool3374]

It's hard work but worth it 🙏🌸

[@mikediamond353]

Yes, they can! They were born with Un-Godly souls, and they Can't Be Fixed.

[@PaulHans-th1ue]

Reprobates

[@clincpb8903]

They are creating conflict at work, but, many times, it is you, their victim, who must find the solution, most management are unbothered.

[@joannajohnson696]

Dr. C, all of your videos add insight into my life with the narcissist.

[@peggybrinkerhoff3294]

Maybe I 'm misinterpreting but there seems to be more than a few people with some of these characteristics now. Somehow, I feel like blaming Burger King: here's the long-term result of "have it your way."

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You are right, and your analogy made me chuckle.

[@wattsurfrigginproblem]

That's funny, and sadly truthful. I have been making a similar observation for over a decade. One too many Outback Steakhouse commercials...." No rules; just right" . I believe there is a rising tide of narcissism becoming a syndrome that is a direct result of consumerism and late stage capitalism. ​@@SurvivingNarcissism

[@donovangray4246]

It is interesting that when I was raised in the Catholic faith that they say that you cannot have any intrinsic worth without earning it from your parents and from God. As you are born in Sin from birth. It was a foreign concept for me that I could have worth for just being human.

[@wissn2112]

Constant negativity, name calling, deflection. Argue about turning a light off. I was busy getting them food. They cant wait. They want something. They dont use specific words. You ask for specific thing they want done. They can't answer the question. Then they say. Oh forget it. So you turn to finish making food. Then they have a mouthy response that it's your fault because you didnt listen. Somehow. They said forget it. But then get angry when you do what they say. As of forget it.

[@sheilajac]

Dr. C, i finally got in to see a therapist and only an hour of blabbing, her mouth was hanging open and the last thing i remember her saying was "that's against the law!" and "that's not even a real diagnosis" and i didn't even get to tell her the last part about the psychiatrist who i thought was a man, but i was chastised for calling her a HIM in 2016, then chastised in 2017 for calling her a HER, because she'd apparently transitioned and identified as a man, which i'd originally thought she was. i also managed to tell her about my former "friend" threatening me and someone else, including with murder and assault and a lawyer. i only have 7-8 sessions with her, no idea how to tell her in 7 more sessions about all the other criminal acts committed against me by my own brother, among others. i may need to use better help, but i don't want to have to keep repeating the same insane story over and over to different people without losing my mind. she suggested a lawyer too, but it would cost more than i can afford to even scratch the surface of this 10 year nightmare of harassment and abuse. i'm too tired to be angry, which i guess iss a good thing because god help anyone involved if i ever get the energy to fight back.

[@francesbernard2445]

In summary: Depending on the context a narcissist will use the strategy of putting on airs while constant feeling paranoid or being over the top too good to be true while they want complete conformity with both their opinions and personal goals in return among their picks of yes men (and women). Instead of them being genuine content with knowing "I am what I am" while they hold positive regard towards others who are whom they are too. Sometimes that has to mean giving someone plenty of space for long as it takes for them to find out who they are too.

[@aubreyj.tennant1123]

Agreed! Operative word here “others”. Narc’s are missing the concept of “others” in their emptiness. No - narc’s cannot fill “themselves” with others bcs there is no “themself”! So sad and true!

[@user-qv9nw1dq2f]

Nobody knows what is driving the narcissist even the narcissist themselves. They are being chased by dark forces.

[@cyny6305]

I believe this.

[@PaulHans-th1ue]

Exactly

[@andreacook6000]

Good morning from New Zealand team healthy, 4am here. Such an incredible video. Explains so much.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks, Andrea!

[@Mrsvragica666]

Throughout the connection, I had an impression they couldn't care less about me but craving my attention. In the end, all that was left was an unqualified contempt toward me and using the Darvo method at me like a pro. And behaving like a combative jerk was the only time they engaged zealously. Good grief🙄

[@alfredmunene5317]

Hello team healthy. I'm glad to be here today. Since I found this channel my life has turned around. Dr. Cater is really doing a great job helping survivers find peace and I just wanna say thank you for what you do here. You have touched people all around the world and I'm greatful.

[@janebraun4482]

What it is with these people, is that they are usually shielded. They have that one significant other, their needs met, to an extent anyway, and they don't self reflect and/or their significant other is so devoted, they never get questioned. If they could recognize bad behaviour, then it call into question why they are even with that person, and to reflect is too much for the other person. Change is always possible, they are just afraid, to look inward, you scare them, they sense you have knowledge and strength, they wish to drive you away. They amass more anger even rage. You might back away, but that is no solution, for them at all. You won't get to call them out, they will hang up the phone, or raise their voice, make you unwelcome, til you finally go no to little contact.

[@aubreyj.tennant1123]

Wow, feels like you wrote that for me - meaning, that’s precisely what I’m dealing with. He went “no” contact and I’m feeling relieved he did. Still hurts though to remember them as the loving person you thought you knew to an alien you never knew existed! 😊

[@OYensen]

This is absolutely accurate. Every bit of it. Thank you for the sad-but-true breakdown of what's at the core of narcissism, and for the reminder of what's at the core of the rest of us. Walk the walk to show that we're all on the same even level, no one walks over anyone. 🙂

[@professorwiggins3290]

My narcissist mother, we feel bad for her because she is so miserable. But when we go out of our way to do something kind, she'll show a few seconds of gratitude, then, within minutes, be right back to despising us. It's as if when we bend over backward, it's a reminder to her of what we could (and in her amazingly privileged mindset) should be doing for her as her subjects. I truly think her dream would be for us to have no relationships with each other at all, to be lonely and miserable as we all cater to her whims and fawn over her.

[@MeCynthiaAnn]

Dr. C…. thank you again for all your videos. This is such a spin, spin spin mindset for sure I would totally hate to be in their mind and body. It’s hard enough to just grasp stuff like this exist semen. God bless you from Cynthia in JANESVILLE, WI

[@christinapoor2289]

Head games like there's no tomorrow.

[@andreacook6000]

This video is Incredibly profound, I’ve just watched it again. So much to contemplate in this. Answering so many questions I’ve been thinking about over the last week. Thank you Les🍃🌻✨🪻will watch again now.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad it was helpful!

[@danamama6766]

Thank you Dr. C it really is about anger games and they need to win. And for reminding me I am a worthy person. Many hugs for all your help always.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You are quite welcome.

[@thinkingallowed1st]

Having to wait

[@matikramer9648]

Thank you , doctor

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You are welcome

[@conniedean3862]

My ex loves to talk negatively about everyone they work with and family which is where the narcissistic tendencies came from

[@sw6454]

Dr C my husband thinks he has dignity, civility and respect. He says I’m the one who doesn’t. I’m not the one who screams in people’s faces. He knows the effect it has on me but continues to blame me that he did it because it was my fault. He pushed an elderly person and screamed in their face because he has always had a disliking to this person and this person annoyed him. I’m not the one who trashed the house because they didn’t like what was said to them. I’m not the one who storms out of the room or work place situations when they don’t get their way. I’m not the one who chooses stonewalling and passive aggressive behaviour to control the situation. It’s so true that the narcissistic behaviour worsens with age as I look at my husband of 33 years and I don’t like what I see at all nor do I trust him after learning about narcissistic behaviour. I just wish I had found out about this years ago so I thank you again for sharing all your knowledge.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Narcissists don’t exactly have excellent self awareness

[@diannewible3879]

A Narcissist number one trait is "lying"...

[@laurau6491]

Thank you for reminding us about our civility, dignity, integrity, Dr. Lee.

[@fred.k9875]

Drums are empty and loud like narcissist.

[@roxymovie3938]

Interesting analogy. To me a drum can make a real good sound, which can even help you to connect with yourself while a Narcs loudness (like yelling) will always leave you disconnected.

[@lemostjoyousrenegade]

🎯

[@LauraMorrisrnmd]

I’ll pray for you!

[@CrystalNelson-tc9xg]

Thank you Dr. Carter. All the pieces are coming together from my exposure and experience with the past NARCS in my life. I choose to look at it as a casualty rather than a victim of NARCism. I have learned a great deal from you and have reconciled a wonderful peace within myself from your counsel. Along the way in my path, I have focused on recognizeing people's humanity as well as my own in efforts o free myself from the bondage of judgment. The quote " Spend so much time on improving yourself that you don't have time to criticize others". It's a cradle to the grave work in process but it's worth it . While I now understand the mechanisms behind the Narcs thinking and behavioral abberations and issues, I choose to pity them rather than hate them.. they missed out on the greatest gift in life , love and acceptance and true connections. That's what creates true happiness.

[@nialkelly7582]

Rock on, Doc ... Great insight ... and consistently informative! Hallelujah [Rock of our salvation] Jah Bless [Peace in Jerusalem]

[@Hatbox948]

I have residual anger, but I'm not sure if it's towards the nex or if it's for myself for being so stupid to have gotten mixed up with him. He did seem to need me to provide a cover for him. He always treated me like a servant for the most part. If company came, I was expected to fetch coffee, tea, etc. If he wanted cake at midnight, I had to go get it. He was so lazy. I'm surprised really he managed to hold a job.

[@sturobertson6791]

Hi Hatbox. Like you, I was angry with myself for 'letting myself' suffer at the hands of a very toxic and abusive narcassist. A year and 7 months after 'waking up', and starting a healing journey, I feel strong and healthy enough to NOT look back in anger. In fact, I feel gratitude for the opportunity to learn. The renewed feelings of appreciation for both myself and healthy people in my life seem to dissolve any anger. Hopw you are ok Hatbox🙏

[@amandaliverpool3374]

You're definitely NOT stupid. We have all been through this. Take care. I hope your health is improving 🙏❤️🌸

[@Hatbox948]

@@amandaliverpool3374 Thank you. I'm healing quickly thank goodness. That inguinal hernia was like walking around with a half full water balloon attached to my lower abdomen. It's such a relief for it to be back where it should be lol. I hope you're doing well too.

[@Hatbox948]

@@sturobertson6791 Thank you. It is a work in progress.

[@sturobertson6791]

​@@Hatbox948 Cheers Hatbox. Look after YOU, with daily self care. It's not selfish. Your health and wellbeing are very important, and it sounds like you've been through some tough times. It's good to be with you here on TH. The fact that you are here means you deserve some nicer times. Keep learning and healing and re discovering your good healthy attributes (no one has any right to treat you as a slave), and please do what you can to look after your health.🙏

[@user-ou3sh4jv6n]

My job requires me to interact with someone who very much matches up with many of the descriptors in a lot of these videos. This particular person tends to envelope the room in very heavy negativity and anger while simultaneously putting on a show of being a 'super nice' person. As someone who is very affected by the emotions of others, I find it difficult to keep these oppressive feelings out and often times feel myself get carried away in the torrent. I appreciate all the advice in many of these videos - even though I don't always succeed in keeping true to myself, I'm learning more about myself and who I want to be and what I want to live for.

[@jennetteoverzet2959]

Self worth.. 💯

[@pugnasilvia943]

This video gives me chills... THANK YOU SO MUCH! It's so helpful. You've just put the mirror in front of the narcissist. But they are always looking elsewhere...

[@sturobertson6791]

Thrash, if you see this message, Thank you. Your kindness is a big part of my, and I'm sure everyone else's healing journey👍🫂🙏

[@amandaliverpool3374]

Agreed 👍

[@painteroflove]

Excellent teaching, as always.

[@Teacher369]

Love, love, love this video. Such validation and information! Thank you, Dr Carter ☀️ ☀️ ☀️

[@maryannec.moravec6289]

Watching you with an orange cat on my life! Yours looks very comfortable. I’m dealing with a narcissistic daughter with extensive anger issues. I am enjoying your insights.

[@maryannec.moravec6289]

Sorry. The cat is on my lap.

[@infisoulsauce2631]

Wow...this short video is very eye-opening. The way you described narcissists's behaviors & thinking patterns has made me identify individuals with these characteristics - at work and on the personal side. Thank you!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You are so welcome

[@etaokha4164]

I told him I don't need him and will never need him then he said its like am a robot 😂😂

[@yanetrodriguezcruz3609]

Awareness is worth. That's itdo not follow them

[@Mario_Andreas]

Thank you Dr... 💚💚💚

[@sarahtyster7342]

eloquently put, thank you.

[@cyndim8785]

They want you to do all of the leg work for them so they can tell everyone what a great job they did. This knucklehead wanted to sign a contract with an extra ten thousand dollars on it. Wait What? He sided with the salesman for the $10,000 in hidden fees added to the contract, it’s exhausting to fight with him because he thinks that everyone else is smarter than me and I’m out to get him. He is always working against me no matter the cost and we are not rich.

[@cassiebennet4262]

That's what I find so baffling about narcissists. They would rather disagree to the point of their own detriment. This is a lack of self preservation on their part. I really think there's something spiritually dark at work with this. Not even a half healthy individual would screw themselves over just to "be right." They're not happy so the only substitute is being "right."

[@l.i.t.adventures]

Somehow Gus manages to keep calm and sleep through all the expose' of chaos and narcissistic abuse.

[@Red-hot-sonic-fan]

Thank you so much for the code you’ve been dropping. It’s help me heal so much❤❤❤

[@lauracoussens6207]

It was one of the most profound and deeply saddening realizations I ever had...to slowly become aware over time that my former spouse (30 year relationship) could never be the person God meant him to be.

[@pgray5223]

Narcissists also do not understand love. They know people can love, but they seem to think each person only has a limited amount of love. And once you have given them your love, you aren't supposed to love anyone else because it takes away from the love you have for them. It doesn't matter if it is romantic love or family love. They have no concept of the fact that the more we love those who are in our lives, the more love we have to give.

[@cyny6305]

My late narc mother didn't work nearly as hard as the narcissists that you're describing. But then, after I needed a place to stay after having escaped, I completely gave in so she didn't have to work very hard.

[@azsuehayes]

QUESTION? 😢 Dr. C. Do you have any vetted Therapist that take medicare? I have built my confidence to hold my boundaries and it's getting painful. I need help from someone who understands this. Telehealth is fine. We have to finish our home wind of our business and remodel and renovation of our home so I can retire in comfort and live separately. He is very mad that I finally won't give in and he has amped up his resistance, bullying, ghosting and gaslighting. It's awful and will tafe 6 months to a year. You have helped me see it and I am so grateful! 🙏🏼❤️🙏🏼

[@MariaSilva-ix1qc]

@azsuehayes The only way is to go permanently no contact. I was married to my ex for 25 years, then I planned to do similar. But lots of people told me I would never be free of him, living next to that creature. So I moved out without telling him and proceeded with property settlement. It was very hard, I had to get iron infusions but I survived, and so can you. If you decide to live next to that creature, you will deteriorate further. My freedom is the most precious thing I have and i am glad I got it at 54...it's never too late.🙏

[@Dj.D25]

Some of the traits mentioned look like what people dealing with depression or feeling unappreciated go through, especially if they were around family and some friends in their life who didn’t properly show it. Is it really so wrong at times to want to be noticed because you know you do have something to offer compared to many of the people you know? And not necessarily for attention either. Maybe those kinds of people struggle with loneliness or fitting in with certain people. And often there’s no intention to manipulate for attention.

[@misottovoce]

I agree with all you say, but the kind of people you mention will still have empathy and be able to show it. Also remorse and are also capable of self reflection and improving. But the video is about narcissists...so yes, can also be depressed etc and can be lonely...all due to their own behaviour to those closest to them.

[@hopeinhumanity.]

Good timing podcast. Thanks Dr .C 😊

[@janicemorin3485]

This episode was spot on.

[@MegaMARLEEN1]

I find your videos so good, and i also find this one stands out, wow.

[@sharynfoster3255]

Thanks again Dr. C and his loving wife and staff for these videos.

[@mombasham]

Thank you for this life saving advice.

[@BassPotter46]

You’re always right on point Dr. Les!

[@cherylgleason3666]

Thank you Dr Carter for a comprehensive and thorough explanation of indicators, I couldn't take notes fast enough. It really helped me!

[@korolimorris6805]

Appreciate your videos. Helped me work through dealing with narciss.

[@v4756nb1rs]

Thanks for all you do, Dr. Carter. I needed to hear this today.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You are very welcome

[@ThisIsMe155]

You are wonderful, Dr C. Another great presentation! Many Thanks...🎉❤🙏

[@conniedean3862]

Dr.C knows exactly how narcissist are!!!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

I'm forever learning.

[@tinaharris7382]

You are truly wonderful Dr C

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You are so kind. Thank you.

[@katherinegracehyslop5371]

Always interesting Thank you

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad you enjoyed it

[@lindaadams1008]

I will tell anyone that a narcissist should never be trusted... I believe some cross over to become psychopaths and sociopaths... I left that narcissistic energy about 20 years ago... I owe it to myself to be safe and happy... I understand that not all family dynamics turn out beautifully... I want to get the best out of my life, and that's exactly what I'm doing...🙏

[@gloriacoleman7012]

Really good video , Dr Carter you are helping so many people God bless.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So nice of you

[@JoanneBurton-he8fs]

I love seeing Gus in the background 😊

[@AmourofgodShinelight]

This was absolutely tremendous DR Les, Thank you so much for this, You're a great bloke, Peace, love and respect to you, Gus everyone, Thank you universe, All glory to the most high God 😃❤💙💚💛💗💜🌌🌈🕆🦁🕊⚖🍏🍎♱😘🐎✌🦄👽☘😊🌲🍄🗝🚀🎆

[@reneaweaver9786]

14:33 Dr. C, this information is helpful but also confusing in a way. I have great compassion for my mother as I know she grew up with lots of criticism and never could receive approval from either of her parents. Now I understand her greatest goal is to protect herself no matter who she hurts. She has done and is doing to me and others exactly how she was treated, very painful, and yet to her, she is the victim. How can I have compassion for her and reinforce her worth as a person while at the same time protecting myself from her very painful judgments and great contempt towards me? It never seems to be enough and I am tired of being used by her to make herself feel better about herself. I do feel sorry for her.

[@robertcranston7427]

Thank you

[@malcolmwaddilove1822]

Why are we,as victims needing all the therapy during or after our relationship with the narc? As they carry on as though nothing happened.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Because you care enough to grow.

[@spacegirl226]

They have played pretend all their lives. They're good, everyone else is dumb, therefore they can move on without thinking about how them being a wrecking ball has destroyed and upended their victims' lives. You are the problem, not them. When their coping skill is to blame everything bad that happens on others without taking any accountability for their role in it, it's easy to move on to devour their next victim, and the next, and the next. Crazy-making.

[@redridgemedia3771]

Because you've been mentally assaulted. If you don't know that you're dealing with someone with NPD and you fall in love and end up being abused mentally, it's essentially traumatising, and furthermore, you allow it to happen because of your feelings for this person. In the end, you'll potentially have PTSD and will require trauma therapy. I've had a short run in with someone high in narcissism, and my upbringing, plus a narcissistic parent set me up for it. I was massively triggered at the devaluation stage, but quickly learned what I was dealing with, and surprisingly it highlighted what needed fixing in me. Dealing with a narcissist shone the light on my own traumas... So I turned the whole experience into something positive.... and I grew from it. I accept people for who they are now, and when I feel slightly triggered, I have that aha moment.. and think to myself ... I'm dealing with someone potentially toxic here haha... and literally don't take them seriously, and walk away from them as quickly as possible.

[@malcolmwaddilove1822]

@@redridgemedia3771 I understand all you've said,it's a tough ride yes! My therapy has been to draw me back to God in Jesus that I've found the true meaning of life and gives me peace/calmness as he puts my life back together! My heart is softened,not hard, spiteful, angry, or wanting revenge against the person who caused me so much pain,thanks for sharing❤️

[@cowboychrist3180]

Most content on this subject doesn't cover a perspective that's this open and inclusive to the MVP-male victims perspective

[@megatondc6054]

I think Understand a little know. It is a front of hatred, to cover up the narcissist and selfishness of the person. Then there is the lying and acting like everything ok and it is not. I act out like a fool, due to being stuck (My fault). There abuse is used to create a situation to act as if their dislike is justified, but the truth seems to be the other. Just a guess.

[@gertrudewest4535]

Sure are a lot of uncharitable remarks posted. Thanks for guiding me to better self awareness, Dr. C.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You're very welcome!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

There are lots of hurting people.

[@ThisIsMe155]

V strong point!! Yep!! I am writing on this v topic. 💔😥💔🙏

[@gabrielgoss5226]

Hi Dr. C, I love the show and that’s why I want to suggest you use a better quality microphone. I prefer listening on headphones and I hear a lot of extra noise in the audio, to the point where I’m ALMOST unable to listen to the show. If you’re speaking into your computer’s microphone, I would recommend you buy a microphone to plug into your computer and it would solve this issue.

[@darinsmith2458]

The comment about giving our power away has been on my mind.. I have been defining what power is.. There is power that the world runs by and then there is my individual power which I would say that my Higher Power gives me.. I get to choose how I use that power.. With the list of what power is I get to decide how I use my power and I get to decide if I give my power away. I suppose I could put self-worth on the list.. It is on the list that everyone has access to it and it is on my personal list that I get to choose what I do with it..

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Darin, you make so much sense.

[@darinsmith2458]

@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you.. I really appreciate what you are doing.. I pretty much understand everything that you say.. The validation that I get is so healing..

[@zigoat]

I thank you for your presentation. Does my statement not elicit what the narcissist seeks?