Over Explaining (PT.2)

[@conductorsearle]

Yep, this is cringeworthy because it's me. My instinct is to assume that I'm potentially "in trouble" if someone in authority is asking me something.

[@GrowWildOutdoors]

Not only in trouble, but about to suffer incredibly punitive & destructive consequences that will only be made worse if I try to defend myself.

[@earthrooster1969]

Yes.. Being constantly been criticised and invalidated, we doubt ourselves and over explain...as if we have to convince the other person of our deed/s...

[@sylviaelizabethclarecholic2073]

I know.... It's so hard NOT to tell my whole life story when asked a simple question.... WHEN I "think/feel" everyone else is an authority figure! 🤔🤔🤔

[@m0L3ify]

I used to have an abuser who knew all he had to do was say hello and imply there was a vague issue, and he could get me to confess via infodump to anything and everything because I'd immediately go into damage control mode. He could just sit back and enjoy the show. I wish I'd been more savvy back then.

[@jclyntoledo]

Yes remember you are safe now 😊

[@sylviaelizabethclarecholic2073]

@@jclyntoledo thank you!

[@alysmarcus7747]

@@m0L3ify damage control mode - wow, well said.

[@peenchay_whetto2333]

"Everyone else is always right and you are always wrong." -that little voice inside me

[@Defiant_Jazz]

I do this all the time with everyone, not just authority figures. It’s like I’m afraid I won’t be believed.

[@gobears6487]

What you said at the end resonates for me . Not being super tied to the outcome makes a huge difference. Accepting the unknown, etc. Valuable lesson!

[@peacheyearth]

😮 omg that's me, I've had no idea really what was happening (just that I'd feel shame and embarrassment by my tendency to overexplain). So helpful to notice the disassociation, external authority and blindness to possibility. Wow. Thank you

[@Zimph_]

I'm really digging these skits. It's nice to have examples provided to recognize when you're engaging in these behaviors.

[@mrs.quills7061]

This is something I struggle with too and I realize it’s not just the criticism I grew up with, but my damn parents never believing me about anything and having to go into rambles like that to convince them otherwise. It’s so strange when people tell me I didn’t need all that or it’s okay I believe you can get it done. It’s amazing how our parents fuck us up.

[@こなた-m1o]

YES!!!! precisely this!!!

[@katlewis6264]

This is incredible. I do this all the time. I knew it was childish, but didn’t understand the root. Thank you!!

[@jclyntoledo]

I wouldn't necessarily say childish cuz that feels like you're shaming yourself but I would say that that is an issue with your inner child coming out when the adult you should be taking control 😊

[@artifundio1]

​@@jclyntoledoI totally agree with @katlewis6264, and not at all with your comment. You can have your shame issues resolved and still get triggered and go back to over-explaining.

[@s.u.s.a.n.a]

Every time someone asks me something I feel forced to answer. But I'm also aware that I can say I'll think about it (for example) and don't answer. I have the power of choice. I want to create my personality (and sense of self) on saying no, though.

[@SwiftRabbit-w7g]

This is SO hard! I had to set a boundary today, and the overwhelming desire to give my life story to justify a minor boundary was overwhelming, especially when I had to repeat and strengthen the boundary because they were pushing it. Thankfully it was via messenger so I could edit and not just run at the mouth 💀

[@jennyb-aeternabitart7436]

Written communication is awesome isn't it! 😊

[@sylviaelizabethclarecholic2073]

@@SwiftRabbit-w7g Excellent! !

[@UnMoored_]

This video and the companion part 1 is very effective. Congratulations to Patrick for moving way beyond the misery of his childhood, for helping others, as well as being the core catalyst of an organically growing, recovery community. 👍

[@lmoorelawpractice6214]

Brilliant: part 1 traumatized n exhausting part 2 confident n liberating. Thank you for what you do! ❤

[@Emlane09]

Yes, even from close ones to strangers l seem scattered and suspicious bc l was just unsure of the world, let alone myself

[@depaula1710]

Loving the positive example. More of that whenever you see possibilities, please Patrick!

[@rosethorne9155]

I have to remind myself, constantly, that other people are not my parents--that when other people ask a question, they're not going to tune out halfway through my answer (like my dad) or twist my response into something else entirely (like my mom). Other people, unlike my parents, also aren't asking me a question as a sick power game before they ultimately punish me anyway (usually for something I didn't to--or something one parent _told me to do_ , that the other parent told me _not_ to do...)

[@juliag.3584]

I write mails and texts and before pressing Send, I go back an delete all fillers, all "softeners", all unnecessary information. Was not easy but I never got any negative response to that so that kept me going

[@mosheedy9862]

Yay! I love watching your modeling.This is what it LOOKS like. Yay.

[@jennyb-aeternabitart7436]

Thank you. Will there be more of these? The first video identified who this is for. The second video - showing the "what is actually needed instead" - is really helpful, and something I haven't found elsewhere. And the explaining (very briefly) why the first one happens, and why the second one is what is needed is really helpful too.

[@KCBfly25]

Patrick: master of psych, drums, theatre!

[@justjules6975]

Guilty 🙋🏻‍♀️ Just left a session discussing how much I disassociate. I can’t put into words how sad it makes me that my 3 children had a mom that hasn’t been fully present for them. They are in their 30s. If you’re reading this please PLEASE get help while you’re young so you can have a full life. Regret is a heavy burden to bear. Thank you Patrick you are one of the driving forces in my journey to stop running from my pain and finally face it ALL OF IT! xx♥️

[@DriftlessWarrior]

This and Part 1 are very helpful, but it's very difficult for me (and, I suspect, many others) to apply examples of desired behavior to real-life situations, because there are so many variables involved. I hope you will do a lot more of these overexplaining scenarios. What if the person is a neighbor, a spouse, a random stranger you meet? What if the person is angry or demanding? What if the situation being discussed is either more trivial or more important than the one in the video? The world feels like such a minefield to me. Thanks for all you do to help us!!!😊

[@sweetlife-2024]

The world can feel like a minefield to us because of difficult past experiences. And striving not to dissociate or use any other strategy to block our feelings but instead to give ourselves permission to acknowledge how a situation or person feels for us, and not to fear the feeling itself but use it like a compass to become aware of the actions or boundaries we need to put in place. The feeling will pass, but what is our gut instinct telling us about the situation, person etc? What is it asking us to become aware of or change. Blocking our feelings breaks our compass and derails us from being our authentic self. Treating our feelings as if they matter, while understanding the feeling itself won't harm us, but depending on the situation, level of threat/safety, our values and beliefs etc, as an adult we can choose how to respond.

[@Sandra-hc4vo]

I feel I've gotten much better then I used to be on day to day things. But some people will just trigger me out of the blue, and it can suddenly be very different. And that's hard to work out, cause I barely see it coming. Then after I ramble I immediately start to mentally and emotionally disassociate that event that i feel terribly embarrassed by, only vaguely thinking I won't do that again! But since I have disassociated so much from it I become unable to work on it and it will then definitely happen again sometime.

[@scottevensen2615]

"person in authority" I feel this too frequently. On the one hand, I hate authority figures of all kinds. On the other hand, if you're my boss and things don't go exactly perfectly I'm ready to explain everything so you understand it wasn't my fault please don't fire me!! 😣

[@ranga274]

was this video made to drag me by the ankles 💀

[@jessicaaudate]

And your hairline 😂

[@nathalieduverna6963]

YES!!! I'm learning to just answer the question, that's it!!! I constantly talk to her to make her understand we're okay, this person can't hurt us/aren't here to hurt us. We have opportunities everywhere 😊

[@Conscious59]

Point so well made Patrick!! (& well-received). Further to your point, the over explainer's value actually diminishes in the eyes of the one who posed the original question....I like the way you opened w/"I was just trying to be funny." Patrick, you don't even have to try. You are VERY funny & a healer/teacher/conveyer of information all in one.

[@alerdman2002]

Yes I totally get it and when I practice to cut things short and keep it simple some people always push push push for more information and I like a fool Give It Up I'm trying to figure out a way to stop and put an end to both sides one side thrives on talking the other thrives on Gossip drama

[@janettemartin4604]

I always feel like the question/ questions are accusing! And can explain OUT of the accusations! Like make it so “I am INNOCENT”! 😊

[@saramariasdotter3681]

Me too, I often feel the same! ... Thank you so much for showing this, Patrick!! ❤

[@moscowcowboy_13]

Good example, but in sales you might have a boss that actually wants a granular, detailed summary of all that happened, but in most cases they want the brief update.

[@sitapixie]

The boss is always welcome to ask clarifying questions or just ask for more details. :) preferably in email so I can write it all out first like I would have said it all rambley then edit it so all the rambling is cut out and they just get the details about the meeting. 😂

[@karen0karen]

oooh! Inner child pops up! yikes, isnt that always the answer. Glad to finally get some understanding around this topic.

[@pointofnoreturn3103]

Oh, my gosh! I think that you just pulled another Arden Kaywin! She says things like "Go to the data, not the drama. Allow yourself to be perfectly imperfect." By this, she means that if you make a mistake with your singing, it is an opportunity to improve. You don't have to prove to the audience that you have talent. Own your history, and your only job is to connect with your audience, and make an impact. Basically, don't attach to the outcome. Exactly what you were saying! Thanks! Susan

[@alerdman2002]

I don't get don't attached to the outcome, I'm going to have to have that process

[@pointofnoreturn3103]

@@alerdman2002 You know, it is kind of like Yoda told Anakin in Star Wars. "Train yourself to let go of that which you are afraid of losing." If you don't hold on to any attachments to a desired outcome, it frees you. You don't HAVE to fear. You would still be okay whatever happened, because good things can come out of bad situations. Make sense? Susan

[@11dragonflies]

What is it about Patrick that makes his delivery so easy to understand? ... and funny too. :)

[@LittleLulubee]

Thank you, Patrick 💙

[@LucasLima-cq2ou]

watched it first thing this morning ☕️

[@KariSuttle]

Thanks! I never understood why I over explain.

[@pavlinakom]

Please make some more videos on the subject. Thank you.

[@myautisticanatomy]

Hello! I really value what you bring to the table with these conversations, so please take the following as a prompt for reflection... I am a late diagnosed autistic woman, who also has suffered a lot of trauma in my life. Now, at 34 years old, I've learned how my autistic traits and my natural communication style were misinterpreted and pathologized as symptoms of, well, everything but autism. (Unfortunately, my story is not even remotely unique in this regard!) I would love to see a video like this have a little preface that makes your audience aware that there are many ways of communicating, and for autistic people, learning "not to overshare" is actually encouraging masking of what are healthy autistic traits. Healthcare providers in most fields are often unaware of the double-empathy problem, and new emerging research about autism, and more importantly are the effects of masking. We have suicide rates 9-13x higher than the rest of the general population, because the cognitive toll of forcing ourself to appear neurotypical and follow neuro-normative social rules - including summarizing/generalizing speech - is actually creating autistic suffering and trauma. So like, in this particular two-part video, an undiagnosed autistic person might not know that they aren't "oversharing"... they are simply communicating from a bottom up processing style, and big-picture associative thinking. This is natural and normal for our mental and especially our physical health. A similar example might be how we apologize or ask questions. I had my old psychiatrist tell me many times that my oversharing was the result of insecurity and form of self-sabotage... but you cannot change a neurotype. The problems I encountered in my relationships was much more indicative of undiagnosed and unaccommodated autism, and I wasn't told that clinicians aren't trained to know the difference. The words "overly verbose" are written over and over again in my record, in various ways. Can you imagine "overly French" being written? Anyways... I'd love to know your thoughts about this!

[@DMB-lf6md]

Initially I thought Part 2 meant that this was another example of over explaining and I disagreed with that. Then I went and watched Part 1… Wow, quite a difference. You explained this situation perfectly!

[@mariamiller2782]

I do this..ALL...THE...TIME....😢 and sometimes... immediately after....it feels bad...and I think...why?? Did I say ALL that? I actually could've just said...x-y-z .... :(

[@22RosesGrow]

Yes.

[@bensweiss]

Tie=Boss, thanks! I can over explain to be understood or honest.

[@whiteumbrella9344]

I totally do that. I had no idea it was linked to childhood trauma.

[@nathalieduverna6963]

Big hugs to us all for trying 🤗 i love you, be yourself ❤

[@earthrooster1969]

@@nathalieduverna6963 😀🤗

[@newlife.vanessacalfan]

I do it because i want reassurance from the other person

[@m0L3ify]

Part 1 feels like an autism info dump

[@jennyb-aeternabitart7436]

You are right. The genesis of the behaviour is different, but the behaviour itself (observationally) is the same. And the second video (modelling and explanation) works for both autism and trauma. If you are interested in why, I have a brief explanation below. There is also a lot of research and similar on this if you want to know more. 😊 There is a lot of crossover between the presentations of neurodivergence and trauma disorders. This is so much so that neurodivergence cannot always be correctly identified and diagnosed while a trauma disorder is present. Because some of the signs and symptoms are the same, and because some of the internal challenges are the same, some of the same 'solutions' are helpful for both. For example if a trauma survivor is losing time and forgetting things, they might find writing down what they are doing helpful. In the same way, if a person with ADHD is finding it difficult to keep track of their life/timing/possessions, they might also find it helpful to write down what they are doing. In both cases, this may present the same way to a person looking on the situation (a scattered person who can't keep track of what they are doing and can't ever find their things). The reason that the solution works is that it focuses the brain on the things that are important to the individual at the time. This works regardless of the cause of the lack of focus - in these examples not being present to focus their attention, and not being able to focus their attention.

[@AndreaCrisp]

I thought the same thing as someone who only recently figured out that I am on the spectrum at 48. But what's interesting is that I have trauma because of the autism more so than because of my parents. I have been misunderstood my entire life, but I have a deep need to understand and be understood. So part of it is I think people want more info, because I do usually and part of it is the trauma and disassociation.

[@cardinalgin]

The pt.1 was hard to watch ! I've been on the receiving end of that situation several times and it's very bad because you feel impatient, trapped and empathetic at the same time. You think that you should ask them to get to the point, but you can't because that person looks so vulnerable and filled with good intentions. You're also telling yourself : "... no wonder the client didn't close the deal on the spot, if the way he sold it was that long and tortuous, and if they think they are going to have to deal with him in the long run. He's not really the right person for that job." But, at the same time, when I first started working, I was that person, always feeling I should say ALL the truth in the WHOLE excruciating details, to my bosses (narc mother). On the other hand, I had the good fortune of meeting a colleague who (very honestly and kindly) explained things to me, relaying that my upbringing made me act like that, but that I had the possibility of thinking about my presentation first (on the way back from the meeting, for example) to avoid bringing my insecurities to the forefront of the conversation. One of the things she said was : "You know, Ginette, in a person's life, it takes 3 years to learn how to speak properly and a lifetime to learn when to shut up. If you're not ready to answer a question, you always have the right to ask if you can come in later with your answer, because you need to regroup and not waste anybody's time." I'm immensely grateful to her for that. She made my career go a lot more smoothly. She was my "work-mother", in the sense that she educated me about work-life.

[@anniemeyers8257]

Thank you! Super helpful 😊

[@TheKak933]

Excellent

[@M_SC]

Not being attached to the possibilities… 😮wow.

[@sarahjmount9221]

I hear the person in the comment below loud and clear. I don’t know how NOT to over explain even if I’m just telling a story to a friend or family member. Never mind if it’s a boss or someone else in authority. It sucks because it ruins your credibility. It’s compulsory. Out of all the recovery work I’ve done, I have such a hard time with this one, too (as well as connecting with people etc.) When am i ever going to be somewhat “normal?” I HATE my parents for making me such a freak and myself for not being able to change it! I mean I have changed a lot of things but why not this?

[@M_SC]

I started catching this in myself way too many decades late. Trying to stop

[@Gingergirl1]

I've seen that look on my Husband's face at times when I go way into too much detail

[@jenniferbates2811]

As a woman with ADHD, this is a symptom for us as well.

[@BelArtist]

Is there a way I can reassure a loved one that over-explains?

[@iohio8677]

Oh. 😊

[@iohio8677]

Yes, that was meant to be funny too. See what I did there? 😬😀

[@christinaferguson7766]

Where is part 1?

[@kellyschroeder7437]

Exactly

[@candicecfcl2971]

I can't find the 1st video?

[@rturney6376]

❤❤❤❤❤

[@anxen]

How do I watch part 1? Halp

[@kathycarlson7947]

Ouch

[@shantel4960]

🙏👍

[@ImTheDudeMan471]

What do you call someone who had 2 mentally ill parents who surprisingly functioned and raised a family in society?

[@celiapaula2859]

Sorry to bother you,but I don't know how to find part 1. I clicked on his account but none of the videos showed part 1. Can anybody help me?

[@jennyb-aeternabitart7436]

These are 'shorts', so they should be listed under the shorts tab on his channel page. Beyond that, sorry I don't know... 😊

[@christinaferguson7766]

Me too!

[@Breggo1]

Over Explaining (PT.1) m.kzbin.info/www/bejne/jISsh3lmYqiBmqc 😊

[@AndreaCrisp]

It actually isn't a Short. It's under videos. They are just slightly too long to be a Short, I guess.

[@martin-fc4kk]

and what exactly the part one means? I know a guy who does that, no idea why.

[@jennyb-aeternabitart7436]

The top two reasons would be autism spectrum disorder (diagnosed or not) and trauma that's left him stuck in this type of reaction to a question from an authority figure. Have you tried talking with him? He may be unaware of the reasons why he does this and/or not know how to do it differently... Sometimes just knowing that someone has time for you can help. And maybe sharing the two videos would also help. Obviously how much you can offer depends a bit on your relationship (bff vs colleague vs boss vs someone I knew at school...).

[@talkingcake]

Where’s part 1?

[@sitapixie]

It's under his profile under the video section (not shorts).

[@talkingcake]

@@sitapixie found it, thank you!

[@lilane259]

Dunder and Schmiflin😂

[@kdjourney51]

FML

[@_Meai_]

now to stop doing this... 😶

[@jessicaaudate]

You can do it. It takes a lot of practice, though. 😂

[@こなた-m1o]

@@jessicaaudateeft tapping for overexplaining

[@jessicaaudate]

​@@こなた-m1o what's that?

[@こなた-m1o]

@@jessicaaudate emotional freedom technique, search on youtube. somatic emotional release for breaking old patterns. been helping me so much in my healing journey, i do it daily.

[@ChannelMath]

don't say "check out part one" and not include a link, haha

[@MayAstrid]

Yeah right your boss just says "excellent" 🙄

[@kaizen_5091]

Not attached to the possibilities... what a thought provoking statement. I appreciate your content. Thank you Patrick. 🤎