3 Ways To Work With Toxic Shame - Part 1 - Episode 9

[@RagnarokLoki2012]

That feeling when you realise that you feel almost constant shame

[@jessicamusicslife465]

Omg same!!!!!!!

[@jennytaylor3324]

A feeling of never-ending judgement and being painfully conspicuous for the wrong reasons.

[@SA-nt9kl]

Same!

[@huskyclan345]

Same here and it is heartbreaking that my inner child was so harmed💔

[@johnygjooon6967]

+

[@MoonWomanStudios]

Shame was one of the few emotions I was allowed to feel

[@samanthapetersen7058]

Exactly!

[@tiffanypersaud3518]

Yikes. This hurt me. YOU FEEL OTHER THINGS! Feel them! Now! Give yourself permission to do so!

[@lucylight176]

My God.......so true, so devastating

[@churrymurray]

Yeah, really. Also, if you didn't look like u felt enough shame they would shame u worse

[@delilahcubbington8562]

Oof same. Alongside guilt, self loathing, embarrassment etc

[@Nariel7]

"A constant low-grade feeling that people are disapproving of you" I couldn't put it in words, but you must have read my mind, Patrick :)

[@Shay416]

😯🥺

[@Panda72021]

That sentence alone was like a punch in the face. Holy crap. That's exactly what it feels like. If I were to put it into my own words, it's like going out in public, or generally existing with a BIG neon sign over your head that says "I'm a majorly insecure piece of sh!t". Just that intense feeling of being under a microscope for your entire life. And if things go smoothly for you, and you're in a situation where you seem competent and in your element, you often have thoughts of "Any moment now, things are gonna hit the fan; and everyone will know, once and for all, what a horrible, disgusting, person I am".

[@Nariel7]

@@Panda72021 I feel you

[@carolnahigian9518]

A disapproving, disgruntled Co- worker.. time goes SLOW with that Person!!

[@tinadulay4812]

That’s exactly how it feels😢

[@m0L3ify]

Mistakes and accidents were never ok in our home when I was a kid. If one of us screwed up or something broke, it meant an instant beating. It didn't matter why it happened. The only question my mom would ask was who did it so she'd know who to hit. It's taken a lot of work to talk myself through accidents and mistakes as an adult. I think the first environment I was ever in where mistakes were ok was this job I got in my early 30's. Everyone was super chill, and if a mistake was made, everyone would say "hey, that's ok, it happens, can I help you redo it?" It was such a shock when I first started there, but I got used to it and really learned a lot from them.

[@ashleeskhan4075]

I understand this totally.

[@bowdencable7094]

I worked in three back to back jobs over a dozen years where all mistakes got you absolutely crucified. The last one was one of the owners making up mistakes and a fake HR department. I gave up and went back to school and into therapy. Getting better at identifying toxic people earlier, and have a good job with good people now.

[@PaperMario64]

Yep

[@mimiscoo1173]

I want to hug you 🥺 I grew up the same way. Berating or beatings. I would apologize to bumping into walls or big mistakes make me want to cry or beat myself up. I’m learning through it and reparenting myself with love so mistakes are okay 💛

[@m0L3ify]

@@mimiscoo1173 Hug received. I still cry every time glass breaks, tho, even if it was just something like a barista bumped into me in a crowded café and knocked the plate out of my hand and it crashed to the floor. The tears are so automatic, I have no control over them, and then I end up apologizing for crying while I apologize for apologizing. At least I've developed the skills I need to recognize what's going on and recover faster instead of carrying it with me through my day. That's something, at least. Sometimes that's all we can do. 💔

[@jessicabis]

Every time I watch Patrick’s videos I feel like he totally understands what I’m trying to untangle in my mind. I’ve never met a therapist that understands anything like he does. Thank God for him! I get so much clarity from him.

[@nina-mill]

I agree❤️

[@405OKCShiningOn]

Yes! Being here takes trauma bonds away.

[@gibby19]

Same!

[@laskolight]

Agree

[@StayCD]

Agree

[@mystical_cupcake]

Your son is so lucky to have you in his life as a guide

[@0o0Anyuna0o0]

I know right? So jelly of that kid meself. :p I outright laughed when he asked how that scenario would've gone with my family cause that would be a week's worth of shouting, lectures, and put downs.

[@mystical_cupcake]

@@0o0Anyuna0o0 I know right! These videos bring up so many repressed negative memories.... I remember getting in trouble because I was too shy to say "Have a good day too" to the cashier at Office Depot 🤦🏽‍♀️

[@Aurora-rw9lp]

No name

[@0o0Anyuna0o0]

@@mystical_cupcake Oh damn, that's such a familiar situation to what mine was like. Mindhugs fellow awful childhood haver. Kai kaha (Maori for "stand strong")

[@katedhotman9282]

Guilt: I did something had Shame: I am bad I am learning to speak gently to my inner child to reframe things. Just showing lots of compassion towards myself. Standing up for my inner child because no one ever did.

[@chelseasmith1426]

I had no idea my shame was masquerading as anxiety so often. I've been having shame/regret attacks in addition to anxiety/panic attacks!

[@yumorules]

How was your shame masquerading as anxiety? How did it manifest?

[@Panda72021]

Yup, anxiety can make you feel ashamed, and likewise, shame can make you feel anxious/panicky. The two don't seem to be exclusive, and if you're someone who has both, they feed off each other.

[@madisonpoiry216]

I feel the same! I actually questioned today whether I had anxiety at all or just toxic shame.

[@voguevines]

​@@yumorules that's what im wondering too :o

[@Chirpy-eo8jq]

For me, my shame manifests as anxiety by me avoiding leaving the house. I consciously tell myself it’s because I’m not prepared or packed to leave the house, or that I’m not in the right clothes, or that when I get to my destination I won’t be able to come up with the right words so I’ve got to script that now. I need to check my cards to see if I have all the right ones because if I take too long paying- what if they decline, what if I forget my pin- the shame of taking up too much time and attention starts to bear down on me. It also manifests as perfectionism (no one is allowed to see my grades, no one is allowed to see me practice, I can’t try new things in front of people, I can only be myself by myself at home alone… by *myself*). It also manifests as social anxiety (I’m not interesting enough, I’m not intelligent enough, I’m not witty enough, I can’t banter like other people, I’m afraid to speak) and I often delete comments on videos or reviews or any sort of online participation at all. Or in person. I’ve quadruple checked this comment for spelling errors and tried to see if flow works, made each sentence a paragraph because I was worried it wouldn’t read well, etc. I think it’s the perfectionism kicking in. I will probably never return to this video out of shame for having made a comment, but… I think it’s important and I should just end now. Goodbye. Maybe see you again. I have hope.

[@sugarcayenneseven1454]

"marinated in shame" ..classic.. & absolutely accurate..

[@whotelakecity2001]

I relate 100%.

[@empressqi1722]

Add guilt and fear and there is me!;)

[@Kekkeri59]

Depression from huge amount of guilt because of making many mistakes when young

[@idkt-t9214]

Oh gosh, the intro where he asked about how our parents would have reacted if we broke something, brought back an old memory that I repressed so much I almost forgot. I remember being like 10-12 and running around in my parents' bedroom while my father was fixing the computer, I almost tripped on it and knocked it over and he got incredibly angry and said "this computer is worth more than you ever will", and that stuck with me, it really hurt me back then but now I try to have a more lighthearted approach and just think "what an asshole" Edit: After watching the video, I'm realizing how many of the things I hate about myself are because of shame caused by my childhood, which makes me feel even worse because now I know I might never be able to fix it, I can't continue feeling this pathetic for the rest of my life...

[@michmash7888]

You are watching this, so that’s a step towards “fixing” yourself! (Be kind to yourself, we are all works in progress.) His videos have lots of good advice for ways to help.

[@hadassah6085]

It brought up a forgotten memory for me too (well more than one) - but I am thankful to have understanding now and that it’s no longer hidden.

[@rochellebroglen4155]

I've been on a healing path for about 5 or 6 years. My entire personality was built on paradigms of shame. I swam in it and was completely inauthentic people pleaser. When I began to learn about childhood trauma, I had a long and painful grieving period. I had tried my entire life to be who I "should" be and felt like a terrible failure. I didn't even know myself. I just wanted to give you some context. It really does get better. I'm certainly not "there" yet, but I'm miles from where I once was. You know what you're working with. That's huge. If we don't know a problem exists, how can we fix it? You also want to heal. That too is huge. Please be gentle and patient with yourself. It is a process, you didn't develop in a day, healing does take time. But neural plasticity is real. We can retrain our minds and bodies. Blessings, may your path be one of peace. May you fully know (mind/body/Soul) how truly wonderful you are.

[@johnygjooon6967]

Oh my god, I'm really sorry, it's a nightmare to hear such things from people who were supposed to love you more than anybody else in the world((((

[@CBrown86]

You are not pathetic. You just need to recognize when that broken record is playing in the back of your head and replace what it says with affirmations that you are a good person with value! Its hard to spot the broken record at first because it eventually drones out and just becomes background noise to everything in your life. Try repeating “I am good, I am kind, I have value” over and over again to drown out the toxic words of your irresponsible and hateful father

[@game_4_growth]

My mother was 18 years old and 5 months pregnant with me in 1969, when my parents 'had to' get married. I was steeped in shame. Thank you so much for this series & this channel. You are a gift.

[@artwithmamafairybreadd]

Hey mate…you did nothing wrong being born…you were meant to be here….God meant for you to be on this earth….I’m glad you’re here…. I bet your a nice person…..

[@ED-ie3et]

I think I was steeped in shame too. My mom got pregnant with me right before her wedding and then when I was going about life and went through multiple childhood traumas in the home when growing up she and I had a difficult relationship. I remember a lot of yelling and a lot of me trying to conform to what my parents want and when I didn't there was hell to pay. Edit- to this day even when I moved out she told me don't get pregnant before I get married. Well I'm taking one further I'm most likely not having any kids.

[@artwithmamafairybreadd]

@@bobbitriplett3770 remember Bobbi, the way you see yourself is sometimes quite often not the way others see you. The only opinion about yourself that matters is yours…you just go ahead and let em think what they want of you…that’s their issue , not yours. It’s their problem. I can already tell by the few words you have written you are a good person. You just have to work on focusing on your good nature, and doing what you need to make you a happier person. I’m surrounded by people who don’t know me, but they have their own idea they have concocted in their mind about who I am. I have for example someone in my family who really looks down on me, literally they have no respect , because I come from a family’s blood line that they have no respect for because they weren’t classy enough…( she calls em peasants) so this person doesn’t see any good in me, my bloodline and my sir name is a joke to them. I let them laugh, because it’s their problem, I don’t see what they see, I see a wonderful person, the good person…I think this person is a total narc to think like this. it’s totally their issue and their problem how they see me…and because Of this crap, I’m not close to them, I make sure to keep my distance because they cannot help me, when I’m around them I always feel like crap…always….they talk down to me and in public it’s humiliating… But I have learnt to see them as the clown that they are and I just laugh at them when they talk to me now, they usually look like a fool in public nowadays, not me…im proud of me. And they can’t do anything about it. it’s important to be around people who are nice to you and are good for you, keep others at a distance….ciao

[@Star-dj1kw]

@@bobbitriplett3770 she is not judging her parents! She grew up in a home with 2 kids who weren’t ready for marriage or parenting. That is her point. They only married bc of her. That is her point. She feels like she is the embodiment of their sin: that is her point. She feels like an unwanted weight. What are you talking about???

[@valerieroth6371]

Basically the same exact thing happened to me!

[@GoddessHabits]

conscious low grade feeling people are disappointed in me 🙋🏼‍♀️ i am so sick of dealing with this baggage. I wish i could reboot my entire subconscious.

[@whotelakecity2001]

Me too.

[@desireeluciano]

@@whotelakecity2001 ❤

[@kimparke6653]

You can. Heal the subconscious with hypnotherapy.

[@holliisixx]

u don't owe anything to anybody

[@Fandoms4Life]

Me too

[@32starsandsugar]

Absolutely still being run by toxic shame and my inner child to the point where I don't feel my real age (24) at all. Its constant shame-framed thinking and I only realized it about a year ago.

[@32starsandsugar]

marinated in shame!!! yes lol 1000%

[@Myllkka]

24 is still very much a kid, take care of yourself and grow with grace and real maturity 🌱

[@StudioDeux]

Realized the same at 28-29, after a year in therapy. I was stuck at 15-16 in many ways, and it was a weird thing to experience when the penny finally dropped.

[@somethingbambi875]

I think it only get worse. I feel like I was older around 20-25 than now (28), because it all comes back to me now.

[@aablivious1583]

How are you doing now?

[@Vadamur]

I am constantly trying to understand what happened in my childhood that made me 'different'. These videos just made me realize that I grew up in a toxic family.

[@shuchi6992]

I believe that people who are shameless are so absorbed with shame that it’s uncomfortable for them to feel shamed, so they basically build a wall up against any new form of shame. And that’s why they’re still controlled by shame

[@VirgoKat]

@06:12 "My Mother was abusive and disregulated over normal parenting tasks." WOW...that 1 sentence has freed me from so much shame and confusion. You are a Godsend Patrick. 👏👏👏

[@blazebardgames5939]

That’s an interesting idea of shame as the opposite of integrity. When I took a class on ethics in grad school, the professor explained it as our integrity is part of our human nature, and shame is an emotional reaction to having done something against our nature. My mom grew up in a household where her father would take a belt to her brothers’ backsides at the drop of a hat. To his wife and kids, my grandpa was both an authoritarian, controlling source of rigid order and a raging, out-of-control source of chaos. My mom never wanted to be anything like her father, but she’s actually remarkably similar to him in that she’s controlling towards the world around her but she can’t control herself. When she parented me and had to enforce discipline, she knew that physically beating me was wrong, but she thought that emotionally beating me up by making me feel extremely ashamed of myself was a perfectly okay alternative. My mom’s punishments depended on her mood - if her mental state was in a good place, a punishment would be a simple time-out, but if she was having a panic attack and she decided I was to blame for the circumstances that triggered her panic attack, that’s when she’d emotionally beat me up with shame. On the rare occasions when my dad tried to call her out on what she was doing to me, my mom’s excuse was “I have to make sure she feels ashamed for what she’s done so that she’ll know not to do it again.” (It wasn’t unusual for my mom to scapegoat my dad for causing her panic attacks either, so he usually didn’t get involved in situations when I was my mom’s panic attack scapegoat because he didn’t want to step into the line of fire.) In late childhood and through my teenage years, I was that quiet kid who had no self-confidence. I didn’t want to speak because my mom had drilled it into me that saying or doing something wrong would cause my peers to reject me. Memories of situations in which I thought I had done something bad and/or stupid would replay on loop in the back of my mind almost constantly, and I couldn’t stop mentally beating myself up over whatever I remembered doing in those situations. To be fair, part of my social awkwardness was just me being on the autism spectrum, but in some ways, that made the situation with my mom worse; in her mind, social faux pas were the worst kind of mistake I could possibly make and therefore they were worthy of the biggest guilt-trips of all, but for someone on the autism spectrum, accidental faux pas are kind of inevitable. I don’t have a constant loop of guilt-fueled inner dialogue going on in the back of my head anymore, but every once in a while I’ll get a flashback of something I’ve done and I’ll feel overwhelmingly guilty about whatever it was I’d done, even if the thing I’d done was actually completely innocuous and not at all worthy of guilt or if everyone else who was involved in the situation has probably completely forgotten all about it by now. Later on in the video, there’s a discussion about people who’ve “exiled” their own feelings of guilt, and I wonder if people like that are more likely to try to guilt-trip other people for stuff. From my mom’s point of view, she’s either the perfect person who never does anything wrong or she’s the victim of everything that goes wrong. So maybe she felt like she had to make me feel extra guilty for everything she thought I did wrong in order to keep her own feelings of guilt away.

[@jessicamusicslife465]

So sorry to hear that

[@elisabethseaton6521]

It's remarkable that you have stopped the loops. That's a major achievement

[@suoutubez19]

Unfortunately, I can relate heavily to this. I hope we can both heal.

[@seekingthemiddleway4048]

My parents would have laughed and tried to get the lady to gang up against me with them. They'd've said stuff like, "We've given up, the child's a liability hoho". And then on the way to the car there'd have been hissed threats so no one could hear and then how ashamed they were of me, can't take you anywhere and of course, "If you were paying attention to other people for once instead of being self-obsessed we'd be able to take you places. What is wrong with you?"

[@arinaira1417]

I just realized...that I have toxic shame. In my native language, there is no difference between 'shame', 'shy' or 'embarrassment'. So I don't know how to put it in words. But what you described sum up perfectly. My mom used to be angry all the time when I did a little mistake. I always live in shame...i don't know how to stop feeling toxic shame. Sometimes shaming myself feels 'safer'. Thank you for the video! ❤️

[@suzannep]

The toxicity from my childhood experiences is so strong that I can't even imagine that a father could or would react that well to his child breaking something, I intellectually know it is possible, but my automatic emotional responses tell me "it just can't be". It's sad to not be able to feel trust towards other human beings, even now at almost 40. I see parents react in that kind and loving way, and my mind immediately thinks "oh no, they are going to get it as soon as they are away from other people!" because that is how my dad acted. He was soooo nice in public, the model dad, but a raging angry force that dominated every aspect of life as soon as we were behind closed doors. I want to somehow be able to move past that inability to trust and just finally see a good parent and feel happy for the kid and not always automatically imagine that the good parenting is only a show.

[@opensky5361]

How sad...

[@annaeverette8960]

Wouldn't that be nice.

[@jessicamusicslife465]

Same Dad…heartbreaking

[@millville]

I feel like that too (often). Thank you for describing it.

[@cwonderland6259]

Yes, my mother would be the "nice one" in public, act like it wasn't a big deal... then lay into us verbally as soon as we were alone (usually in the car). Our dad would go silent and then we'd get punished later.

[@uncouth_cat]

It hurts to realize how much my inner child had to keep her shit together...

[@uncouth_cat]

@@Puppy-chino i think my parents have done a LOT to break the cycle, but so much stress was absorbed as a child, i realize

[@Inug4mi]

I wouldn’t even have been allowed to touch anything, because the default assumption was always that I would break something if I did.

[@ZentaBon]

:( that very well could've deprived you of an essential innate curiosity that humans are born with

[@Mushroom321-]

🙋‍♀️😖

[@marmadukescarlet7791]

Me too. I have mostly gotten through it but my mother went to her grave never once admitting she was wrong about anything-and I’m not just talking about moral issues but factual errors, everything. She just couldn’t bring herself to go there. She died of cancer too, so it’s not as if she didn’t have time to reflect on her life.

[@هُناعبير]

His story with his kid reminds me of once my 5 yo (she has ADHA) broke 2 pieces of decor at a furniture store. Our rule is always "move as u like, just don't touch stuff". I now have rethought it after listening to Patrick reading your comments. I feel so guilty bc I really got mad that day at her and I was like "I told u don't touch things!", I was frustrated that I had to pay so much for nothing and left the store not enjoying our trip. I now understand what I made her feel, absolutely a lot of shame and guilt more that she needs or deserves. I didn't look at it this way then, I was just like she needs to learn a lesson, and I know for sure that she did, she became more careful around breakable items; but now I realize that we might get the same result without putting so much pressure on her. I try to learn and become a better parent even thu I know I messed up a lot. It's so depressing to know how awful my actions are effecting her .. thx for anyone who cared enough to read all of this confession XD

[@marmadukescarlet7791]

@@هُناعبير not to late for you or her. You’ve learned a lesson. Lesson number 2 is not to beat yourself up. You did what you knew and we don’t know what we don’t know. Toxic shame is using the mistake to constantly berate yourself. It’s not productive but seeing the issue and making the decision to change and move forward *is the whole point* of incorporating new knowledge. Maybe, when you and daughter are having a quiet moment, bring it up and apologise? I think admitting our mistakes and apologise is an important part of parenting. None of us are perfect and it’s crucial that we don’t present ourselves as godlike beings who know everything and are never wrong about anything.

[@glittery8862]

I had a psychopathic father. It's truly difficult to describe what he was like or how he treated me. It wasn't just about being punished or mistreated if I broke something, he found actual pleasure in inducing a permanent state of fear that froze me and my self to my core. I deserved to feel miserable for simply existing, I was a tool and an inconvenience. It's like all of these concepts, all the consequences we carry with us from trauma - shame, guilt, depression, rumination - they are my life. They don't get triggered by situations, I live in a nearly permanent state of apprehension and fear and it projects itself relentlessly on everyone around me as if I had been raised by a helicopter parent. Including the loving partner that I have made so much effort to keep throughout all of this. His integrity, his compassion, his readiness to help, and the unconditional love is so easy to doubt, even after years of being together, just because of how nonexistent these traits were throughout my life. They don't fit into my framework of what I was made to believe about myself, and instead of surrendering to the good thing I'm still stuck mashing the two together, like stick to a teacup. I always end up breaking in the process. Gosh I just want to feel the closeness of actual trust and safety. Feel connection and intimacy again. I used to before I realized how much shit was piling up under the surface. Oh the resentment from having to fix our parents' issues.

[@naemasufi]

my Mother just the same. we never had a conversation in 17 years, I was always called you bitch at every edict, my brother was little swine

[@trixieloo]

Thank you! This really gave me a better grasp of toxic shame. I was under the impression all shame was bad - didn’t know it was an innate human experience.

[@JudgeJulieLit]

It tactilely motivates us to do better.

[@dr.bandito60]

Some models of shame split up shame and guilt as different emotions. Guilt lets you know when to adjust behavior and right wrongs. Shame is always toxic and debilitating.

[@hanisi962]

I had the same idea. After watching this it got me thinking that guilt (the feeling when you know you did something wrong) is a good thing because it shows that you have a moral compass. But self-forgiveness is also key, if you can not forgive yourself that shows there’s a toxic paradigm and you will probably just keep repeating the same mistakes. So embracing a bit of guilt (stemming from an understanding that I did something wrong & a desire to do better in Future) followed by self forgiveness is the way forward for me now

[@trixieloo]

@@hanisi962 that’s a great way of looking at it. Thanks for sharing

[@samanthapetersen7058]

Wow, I’m an extreme “I’m always wrong” and my ex was always an extreme “I’m never wrong.” It’s crazy they both stemmed from shame. Wow wow wow. This is mind blowing to me

[@calmdowngurl]

❤

[@ThisMelMel]

My mother called me El-Clumsina because I was clumsy and accident prone… until I drew her a picture that showed her “always” raging at El-Clumsina and “almost never” loving me. She kept the picture and now I have it. She also sometime after that figured out the damage she was doing and found a way to change for me. I showed the picture to my daughter to let her know that it’s ok to be mad at mommy and that she’s not the only one that falls down and runs into walls and breaks things accidentally.

[@tahiyamarome]

Your mother was no linguist! El is a male article and any noun that ends w an a is a feminine subject.

[@fighterflight]

@@tahiyamarome true but kind of besides the point

[@tahiyamarome]

@@fighterflight yeah, i know. I like beside the point points. They are contextually reflective of the activity of online opining. Glad you found a soft place to land w your mom.

[@gingerhenna9445]

I'm discovering now that I have cptsd, to go along with my fibromyalgia, which gets triggered by emotional stress. I've also been off balance before when I am under stress. In a book I'm reading right now, called "The body keeps score"" by author Bessel A. van der Kolk, M.D. our childhood trauma effects our body because our minds actually adjust to trying to deal with the stress events that are negative in our enviroment, such as poor care givers treatment, when we are young. So maybe your mother's poorest of choices to use name calling, ironically was trying to blame you for something she herself caused by giving you more stress than you could handle at an earlier stage of your childhood. This may have creating a problem with your body's balance or muscle control while under diress. In our healing we start to learn that our bodies are alert and aware, and will share real truths with us. They know when people are being harsh and unfair. However, you seem like you are more than an overcomer, so good job!

[@vickyeahoh]

They used to call me “butter-hands” in front of my sisters and brothers. I lighten at it and even joke about it saying it myself as if I have believed it. Later on when having a kid I just saw how horrible is to label a child and repeat and repeat until even they believe they are just that. The insults didn’t stop there, though

[@juliaconnell]

I lasted less then 2 minutes before crying - (thought today is a particularly rough & stressful day) - was told last year I say SORRY all.the.time - I do - I'm aware of it - now I say sorry for saying sorry - (& sorry for saying I'm sorry about being sorry... my head hurts)

[@MoonWomanStudios]

Try switching to thank you; thank you for waiting, thank you for listening, thank you for helping... Not; I'm sorry I'm late, I'm sorry for venting, I'm sorry to need help.

[@juliaconnell]

@@MoonWomanStudios thanks Joelene - oh I use thank you all the time - the sorry is reactive rather than conscious - as the thank you is

[@bygraceonly182]

Jolene Kristovich that’s great! Thanks for sharing this!

[@ttgyuioo]

Never be sorry for being yourself

[@johnygjooon6967]

Every time seeing and hearing about healthy ways of parenting makes me cry. The most difficult thing now is to invent new ways now and when someone shows them it's one of the most helpful things, thank you!

[@tatianahawaii13]

Hugs ❤️

[@somethingbambi875]

Yes! This is the most common thing me and my husband argue about. I want to end all the bad feelings and trauma but he is like: "it doesn't hurt kids to be besten, because I was" and I know he is hurt by it, but we all do as we can to survive so I believe he just excuses his mum because it is easier than to deal with it. So I am excausted having to protect our children, from both myself and him, just that I feel bad if I misbehave.

[@brooklynnkatrana3685]

Something I noticed when I moved in with my partner was that when something was spilled, for example, I would get so enraged & my partner was always like “it’s just a spill, it can be cleaned” and I realized that was a childhood trauma response. Ive since stopped doing that, but it was so eye opening the first few times it happened.

[@madisonpoiry216]

Yesterday I was vacuuming our car, and the attachment for the vacuum fell off and I said a few very strong words, which is okay, I have no issue with cussing but I felt like the response was a bit over the top because things just fall. It's gravity... Now I wonder if I was experiencing the same thing you were.

[@brooklynnkatrana3685]

@@madisonpoiry216 could’ve been! It’s also important to note if you’re okay with the behavior too. I know for myself it was something I never liked about myself but I wasn’t able to recognize it until being with my partner!

[@madisonpoiry216]

Cussing doesn't bother me, but getting inflamed over something so small bothers me. I think it comes from seeing my mom go from 0-60 over really small things. She used to embarrass us with her short fuse in public and impatience.

[@iannorton2253]

I'm now 61 and was brought up on shame, from both parent in a different form. It's had a devastating impact on my life and relationships over the years.

[@GoddessHabits]

How would that have gone down? "Oh my God what is WRONG WITH YOU." Eye rolling, laughter at me, apologies forced, in the car "I can't take you anywhere." Maybe a spanking.

[@jessicaaudate]

Yes. But for me I think it would have been just from being poor and my mom having to part with dollars. And race. And being from the south. And parent shaming 🤣

[@annaeverette8960]

Lol same

[@CorePathway]

Always a spanking here. 😢

[@AugustAdvice]

My narc mom who has no shame said to me, "My therapist says there's nothing wrong with me..." I said "I don't care what you've convinced your therapist to believe." It makes me sick knowing she's still out there fooling strangers after I've gone no contact.

[@therealJamieJoy]

Just remember the MO of the narcissist is to deny, lie, hide -- so she was probably lying to you. Therapists don't just come out and say, "I have examined you and have found nothing wrong!" That is more of a child's idea of what doctors and therapists do -- almost cartoonish. Don't let the aholes get you down. You are enough -- no matter what she says or how she frames it!

[@therealJamieJoy]

@@ProfessorGothic yes, the phenomenon amazes me -- all aspects of it. I think that many do believe the lies, many do not AT ALL believe the lies, but most start off half-believing. Then, by the time they grow older, they are truly delusional. I'm not a doctor or a psychiatric expert. This is just from my experience -- way too many experiences, unfortunately!

[@monicaluketich3106]

@null I just found out that a friend of 10 years is a pathological lier- that info was from her daughter. The 'friend' finally told a big enough lie that I realized it could not be true. I was nieve enough to believe everything she said was true - even my mother, who could shame a saint, wasn't that bad. I agree, those of us who have learned to tell the truth, just don't think that others could be that way. I can hear my mother's voice trying to shame me some days and now I can tell her voice to shut up - I am not stupid, although I may have done a dumb thing.

[@amarbyrd2520]

> This is an awesome comeback and I hope you've given yourself a pat on the back for coming up with that one ♥

[@gigiarmany]

ridiculous😒..no therapist worth his salt would make such a statement, she's lying

[@HealerGenevieveASMR]

I had such a similar thing happen to me when I was little. I was in an antique store with my grandmother and stepped backwards and fell into a shelf of cups and glassware that I didn’t realize was right behind. The whole shelf fell and so many things broke! I felt such intense shame I couldn’t even speak and just cried. I cried not because I was hurt at all but because I was so totally ashamed and scared. The store people just asked us to leave and my grandmother was totally embarrassed. It definitely wasn’t talked about or handled in the beautiful way you talked to you son. I feel like a part of me healed just hearing the way you handled the same situation. Thank you for these amazing videos! 💓

[@tahiyamarome]

I recently found myself relieved of a really large amount of toxic shame that was a deep and profound humiliation about existing at all. I can now understand that for 50+ years i have crawled through the world in 3 sleeping bags filled with sands of shame. I feel like i am standing up for the first time in my life. I had no idea the horrible weight and labor of it. But my body knew. I made myself weigh almost 300 lbs. (Have lost 80+ through the work i've been doing) I love your insight to the family system. Someone has to carry all that shame.

[@fancynancylucille]

That's amazing! I am taken by that statement, "I am standing up for the first time in my life", because I had a similar experience where someone I admired called my name to participate in a staged activity. I was sitting and insisting that I could not do it. Suddenly, I became aware of myself as a person who had spent a life time curled up in a ball at the bottom of a dark tower. The sound of the person's voice was light coming in to the dark tower. I looked up and realized my position. I knew I had to stand up to live. But I think I am curled up at the bottom of the tower again. I don't know.

[@tahiyamarome]

@@fancynancylucille if you're out here looking you're not curled up. Just sit up and check your pockets. There are keys in all our pockets to the locks we're looking at. We designed those locks. The keys are ours. It's your mind, your life. You built the tower. You put secret exits and tunnels all over it. Trust yourself. Find all your keys in all your pockets. Keep tapping on the walls for the hollow sound. Those are where the limiting beliefs you wrote a long time ago are getting thin. If you saw the light up there you'll be fine. You built the tower w a skylight. You made it to protect you, not trap you. You clearly don't need it any more. It's just an old habit.

[@naemasufi]

me too. x

[@ThursdayASMR]

I am riddled with toxic shame. I want to change that. Thank you for all you do.

[@emerycorner]

I get so worried about conversations between me and my friends, because I don't want to talk too much or accidentally talk over someone. I often catch myself apologizing after venting emotions that I hadn't been able to get out beforehand.

[@kole1ful]

THIS!! I’m terrified and uncomfortable making friends cos I feel I have very bad behaviours that I’ll offend them 🥺 this leads to over pleasing and people taking advantage of me making me not wanting friends again.

[@cassthefairyyy]

this is why it’s always good to ask people before venting ..sometimes people aren’t healthy enough mentally to have someone vent to them but it’s good to ask so it doesn’t become a problem onto them :)

[@TheAngryCleric]

I lost two friends after rubber banding basically. Spent the whole friendship saying yes to everything, volunteering my home and time for gatherings, running myself ragged for the group essentially, and desperate to have close friends I shared a lot with them. But none of them ever asked me to, or expected it. When I had a schedule conflict and asked them to change theirs and they couldn’t I lashed out. They weren’t exactly emotionally healed either so it was a messy ending. It hurt like hell. But I survived, and now I am more conscious of my boundaries. I don’t volunteer to stretch myself thin just to please someone I like or respect. And I respect other’s boundaries in turn in a way that I couldn’t before. Growth is hard. 😮‍💨 But I’m better on the other side of it.

[@funsized924]

Thank you for this series. I am discovering how much about myself that I hated my whole life was due to toxic shame caused by my childhood. I had such a horribly skewed view of the world. I was always wrong and everyone else had life figured out in a way that I never would. No one would want to be around me or be my friend because fundamentally I was an inferior human being. It's so sad how much of my life I wasted hating myself because my mom didn't know how to be a mother.

[@shibolinemress8913]

That little phrase "You can't miss with any of the buttons" is oddly validating and always makes me smile. Thank you! 😁

[@jasminedahir9645]

Sometimes a wake up in the middle of the night as if I had a terrible nightmare but in reality it’s extreme shame from things I’ve done in the past

[@tiger_3723]

A year ago, i just started to recognize the sudden waves of anger and derision that i would aim at myself when i thought i messed up. Not even words, just a tidal wave of emotion. Now im actually recognizing the thoughts as they come, which i think is progress. Still not great, but its easier to argue with yourself when you know its happening

[@nicolestokes7650]

If I was able to keep hitting the thumbs up for your comment , I would probably still be tapping it.:)

[@DenverDave5280]

Toxic shame stays embedded for me. I went to college later in life and graduated at age 33. My only toxic parent attended the graduation and I walked across the stage ashamed that I only achieved a 4.0 GPA - perfection wasn't good enough. I can't begin to say how much I hate this feeling but I'm still strangely addicted to it. Abuse messes up the mind.

[@Evernia6181]

Your work is so accessible, authentic, and therefore healing. Thank you, for what you do.♥️

[@shaggyrogers7847]

I’m 52 and still marinating in toxic shame but trying to heal a little. I remember playing 5th grade basketball and one of the other players cut in front of me during the warmup line…on the ride home my dad scolded me for embarrassing myself and him. Just one of the many such movies from childhood that get played over and over in my head.

[@sunlvr5252]

I have literally never been told what you said to your son about shame. I can’t believe how powerful that message alone one.

[@kslaw9636]

There is no freedom like finally understanding why you are the way you are

[@J0ELLEx]

your kiddos and the kiddos of your viewers won the parent lottery

[@هُناعبير]

His story with his kid reminds me of once my 5 yo (she has ADHA) broke 2 pieces of decor at a furniture store. Our rule is always "move as u like, just don't touch stuff". I now have rethought it after listening to Patrick reading your comments. I feel so guilty bc I really got mad that day at her and I was like "I told u don't touch things!", I was frustrated that I had to pay so much for nothing and left the store not enjoying our trip. I now understand what I made her feel, absolutely a lot of shame and guilt more that she needs or deserves. I didn't look at it this way then, I was just like she needs to learn a lesson, and I know for sure that she did, she became more careful around breakable items; but now I realize that we might get the same result without putting so much pressure on her. I try to learn and become a better parent even thu I know I messed up a lot. It's so depressing to know how awful my actions are effecting her .. thx for anyone who cared enough to read all of this confession XD

[@WileyCylas]

This man is a living angel & in not religious 🙏🏽

[@aldowilliams4765]

I have had a pervasive, near constant sense of shame in me since I was in middle school. I must overcome it to become who I’m meant to be

[@plumicorn]

You are such a loving and caring dad!

[@405OKCShiningOn]

The section of being shamed for having basic needs as a child, young adult, so today Im 41 and feel immovable brokenness and this inability to ask for my needs due to fear. I love this video, resonated with me!! Thank you.

[@cathrinecalvert]

So much shame. I knew there was some, but this really hit the nail on the head. Anybody else watch performers (musicians, comedians, etc.) that aren’t that great and feel so much shame for them that you almost start crying?

[@quarantina1293]

I feel like when I was young I had too much shame and to cover that up and feel better about myself I shifted to the other end of the spectrum and got overly defensive over small things and became extremely self preservatory.

[@killaknight12]

There are two reasons I'm still overthinking so much and feel shame way too often. For one, I grew up with my mom and everytime I visited my dad I felt shamed by his girlfriend, cause she constantly criticized what I couldn't do or how I did things. Additionally I happened to go to school with the most toxic classmates. You basically weren't allowed to function like a human being without getting shamed. Slip of the tounge - get shamed, showing excitement about something the others think it's lame - get shamed, cry or just show sadness over something - get shamed for a week. I unlearned to emote during freaking school!! 14 years later and I still struggle to feel sincere emotions. I still feel shame for so many little "mistakes" and my brain still reminds me daily of situations when I felt shame even though I should be over it. Toxic shame is horrible and it took me forever to realize why I am how I am, where this comes from and even though I've been working on it, I still struggle... it took away so much from my life.

[@laridd]

I think this outs a name on why I always feel like I'm about to be fired for simple missteps. I thought it was paranoia, but the feeling of not being a good person because I'm not perfect...that hits it on the head.

[@nicoleroca4306]

I didn't think I had a toxic level of shame until I watched this video. It feels good to realize that this is something I can work on so I don't feel weighed down by this in my everyday life. Thank you

[@ashdukesbear9700]

I busted out laughing when you said “Remember that thing you said to your friend in the fourth grade?” It’s so true! These insignificant things are always on my mind.

[@cory99998]

My family continues to make me feel shame and feel small. Not with their words, but their actions and the identity that was assigned to me.

[@Nadine-mw3me]

I don’t want to go too much into my personal experiences but I will say that these videos have helped tremendously in pin pointing what exactly is the root for so many of my emotions and behaviors. I feel like I’ve been given hope and can really start working toward healing myself. Thank you!

[@jackdeniston59]

'y'know, being a kid....' that stung.

[@benjamintice6400]

If I would have been in the senario you described with my parents, I never would have heard the end of it. Not only would I have been shamed loudly, in front of everyone, by my Dad, but I would have been shamed all the way to the car. He probably would have already been yelling at me to put the stick down so I would have gotten the "You never listen/I told you so" speech, and then I would have to endure a deadly silent car ride all the way back home. I would be told to just be quiet if I trid to talk any more about it. For the 15-30 minutes we would be driving, I would have to endure panic and dread because I would wonder if when we get home if I was going to get beaten. And there was a 60/40 chance that absolutely when we got home, I would get beaten. Just hearing how you handled that, I was already nervous for how it would go but also just hearing how both of you were just so chill about it, my poor brain can just barley comprehend what that must be like. My Dad was so reactive and I think he must have assumed that children just don't feel shame unless you deeply shame them for them. And then I'd have to re-live all the shame when my Dad would bring it up to my Mom or their friends at church, or his parents, or the pastor, and they would often do that even when I was still in the room to hear it.

[@Smoore-bv2wb]

This idea of a shame attack was so helpful for me. I never considered it this way and having the language to frame it helps me to identify these moments so clearly. Thank you.

[@deec411]

Just one of MANY childhood memories of shame: I remember slipping and falling in my tap class. Totally mortified. obviously did not have the emotional support to deal with. I saw it as the root of my stage fright. 😢😢😢 Sending hugs and healing to all CPTSD survivors ❤️❤️❤️

[@drumnbasskim]

It's amazing & frustrating at the same time how you're able to vocalize, like really get, everything that I've gone through over the years while therapists I've dealt with just consistently have these blind spots in our conversations.

[@anon1238]

"No one is gonna die for making mistakes." This statement has hit me hard. For the first time, I realized that I have always believed that my mistakes are huge and will cause irreversible damage somewhere down the line. Thank you Patrick for the great work!

[@MoveSaga]

Wait you mean that most people don't feel like this? The having it together one hit really deep.

[@joyschow4651]

Wow, the exact opposite happened to me. My mother expressed shamed on my behalf. Not only she couldn't deal with it, the adult in the situation, she also manifested for me as a child to carry it! This was 55 years ago, she's gone and I'm still rebuilding myself.

[@KandyKoatedKrafts]

Your son is so blessed to have you as his father! 💙💙

[@WTFisRenee]

Something that I seldom hear talked about but is just as important is that it doesn’t just have to be your parents that made you develop certain attitudes about yourself growing up. My siblings put me in a very competitive environment and made me feel very bad about myself growing up, whereas my parents were pretty normal, but had a hard time dealing with our conflicts. I’m still sorting through insecurity issues from my siblings, even though I love them and don’t have issues with them now

[@user-kw5ze5ky5q]

I can relate. I can sooooo relate. I’m not depressed, I feel good about myself, but there is absolutely no self-confidence and my inner voice does not at all tell me that I’m good in any way

[@RT-fo4up]

I was told that my timing was ALWAYS the worst, my choice of words was ALWAYS the worst. I was told that I couldn’t possibly be doing things in a worse way, and that’s why I would ALWAYS be raged at by my parents. I could never see how that was true, and I felt like I should stop talking because I was too stupid to see what seemed so obvious to my parents. Now I’m scared I’ll say something wrong and upset the people around me 24/7. I have no confidence when it comes to… mostly anything, actually. This video is helping me see that my parents were trying to shame me for their shortcomings in parenting. They were the ones with the issues, not me… They treated me like I was pushing their buttons when any sane adult will know that it’s the adults who need to keep it together around children.

[@karen0karen]

Yeah, 'Toxic Shame' was my baseline for most of my life. It IS better now but I do have to keep working on it.

[@rammalia]

We call those shame attacks “memory terrorists” in my family. We all have deep shame to work through.

[@anothercat1300]

I grew up with two parents with extreme mental health issues. My dad was a Narcissist who had exiled his shame. My mom had DID. But the more I think about it, the more I think that may have been a coping strategy for her to remove herself from the shame of her own childhood trauma. I don't know. All I know is that I didn't have a safe home base, My mom's emotional turmoil was the most important thing at her house. My dad's expectations of perfection and not doing anything that he didn't like was the most important thing at his house. I despair over how little I was actually parented. I despair when I hear or see parents loving their kids like I wish I was loved. I started crying when I heard your story about your son. I never got that patience or concern. I had to process everything on my own and not complain about it. Is there any hope of change?

[@charlie5115]

Having so many shame flashbacks watching this. I’m remembering being on a hike with my mom, aunt and cousins when I was about 5-6 years old and tripping whilst walking next to a pond. As I’m falling into the pond I remember crying and thinking "Mom will see this and come help pick me up" and "I’ll lay in the pond until she sees me so that she’ll rush to comfort me". And then when she saw me she started mockingly laughing and humiliating me in front of everyone for being such a dumb, clumsy and lazy girl and not getting up immediately. Her first response was to shame and humiliate.

[@DomCOuano]

I EXPLODED laughing when you said "lawyer mode"! My dad used to be a lawyer.

[@gessrinky9129]

I also have intense guilt and shame for even existing. I sometimes get embarrassed I even have a fun and that people have to See my face. I knocked and candle over at the hair salon last month. It broke and I could have died. I was so humiliated. I even bought a nonbroken one to “fix it.”

[@RussellParkerArt]

For me, the shame is also when "I am being myself" not just messing up. Like, I'm just being myself and I'm too much... this popped up likely because I just talked about real authenticity

[@churrymurray]

I'm having a feeling that this shame was the root of my social anxiety.

[@tiannagraham5210]

i don’t think i grew up in a toxic family but i have a lot of toxic shame :( like, i go into the shame spirals that were mentioned, it’s like i’m mentally beating myself up for being embarrassing or for messing something up and my subconscious is so so mean to me, it’ll literally bring me to tears when it gets bad

[@nataliedawnshade9958]

I saw similar behavior to your treatment of your son on television and always assumed that it was only a thing in movies. The televised idea that parents could be so nice, calling children little princesses or "the best thing that's ever happened to me" is such a foreign concept to me. *If I broke something at home, I would have to pay to replace it out of what little money I had* (birthday, chore money, etc.) regardless of if I had a job or not.

[@ttgyuioo]

Well, at least you got money

[@lyndalmorse6555]

Thank you so much. This was so helpful. I was diagnosed as having adhd about 2 years ago. At first I was relieved but since then my social anxiety has absolutely sky rocketed to the point where I have isolated myself from existing (good) friends and turned away from potential new friends. Watching your video I just had a lightbulb moment about how I was constantly shamed by my parents for adhd behaviours. My Dad called me dizzy Lizzy (as in dumb) and my mum would constantly shame me for leaving lights on, forgetting things etc etc. I feel so much lighter now I’ve had that realisation, so again, thank you so much 🙏🏼

[@stephaniegemperline2910]

I’m still processing a bit of toxic shame with my mother. My father passed away eleven years ago, and for the next nine I lived with my mom initially to help her but then as her caregiver when she developed Alzheimer’s and eventually ended up in assisted living. Those years were difficult and she frequently commented that I didn’t pay enough attention to her/care enough for her, and eventually blamed me for her being in assisted living and then memory care. She told the doctor once that she had memory problems because I didn’t interact with her enough, and she accused me of abandoning her and treating her like a dog. She passed away in 2018 and I am still processing my feelings about our relationship. This video was helpful in my realization that I have a lot of toxic shame attached to it. I have moments still where I feel her illness might have been misdiagnosed and that perhaps it was my fault for not taking care of her well enough. I think I carry a lot of shame from childhood traumas with my mother up until her passing. Sorry for such a long comment, but this video really resonated with me and I am thankful for that.

[@mrstoner2udude799]

I was ghosted and Ive been obsessed with what I did wrong. This video made me realize I have ben triggered by being ghosted. Its alot like being punished....for nothing. TY Patrick. Ive been in pain for a month about this. But im feeling freer.

[@Judymontel]

I like what you say about integrity in a child being a feeling of being unique and special. Because the toxic shame reaction of "it must be my fault" then restores the feeling of being special (not to mention being in control in a sense), just special in a negative way. By thinking "these scary things were caused by me," or "I have the power to provoke these scary reactions" I give myself power (which I may not actually have) compared to my first reaction of "what just happened? why?". As adults who still face randomly bad things happening in the world in general and in our world in particular, finding healthy ways to feel unique is such an important process. Thank you for making this series!

[@kat_rabbit]

13:16 For me, shame says "I can't say whether I'm right or wrong as I have no valid internal frame of reference, but I may be wrong so I will say nothing."

[@sumari972]

I would have asked my son what he thought as this happened at the store, and then how he felt. If parents want to make children strong, they can reward with love when children speak out what they feel and think. You don't need to teach them what they feel. Children are experts in feelings. The mess begins when we expect them to have other feelings.

[@B3gonias]

I experienced this from a babysitter whose home we were dropped off at. We were told there were cameras everywhere. Meals were inconsistent, my siblings and I were often told to stay in the basement while the other children were allowed upstairs to eat. I remember begging a neighbor girl for a sip of her water on a hot day. She couldn’t understand why I wasn’t allowed to have water, and I explained I’d spilt my water before. I struggle to even admit to myself I need to go to the restroom, there was so much shame built into our basic needs there. But the isolation was the worst part. Other kids didn’t have the same experience as us, so we were left doubting our reality.

[@lighteninggazelle816]

Wow this is so good! Can I request an entire video of stories of healthy interactions between you and your son? Not about one specific topic but just stories you feel relevant like the story you told at the beginning. What I really liked was the follow up you shared about your conversation in the car after.

[@ΝινέταΜπιζέλη]

I can really relate with most things, shame is an everyday feeling for me and a very difficult one to control. My therapist gave me an exercise where I should make an image of shame in my mind (using all the senses) and then transform it into something completely different that make me feel safe and comfortable. I know it sounds easy but it takes a lot of practice and focus to get it right! I'm looking forward to your homework as well 🤗

[@person7123]

We don't seem to use that word so much in these generations but my mother's (80 year age range) did use this word as I was growing up. She did have circumstances as a child that would have reinforced that word within her experience and then use it as an adult and mother. Shame is a tricky thing. Glad you bring these issues to the surface. As a single Mother myself I have really sought to maintain that balance of understanding yet personal responsibility with guiding my 4 children. I think the toxic shame issue can definitely result from that old narcissistic tendency. For years and years being so overly concerned about what others thought of me. This rooted from daily constant reminder of the shame issue surrounding daily life of adjusting to please others first. Phew, relieved to have finally broken through that.😊

[@tiptopdadddy]

I’ve noticed a connection between shame and compulsive behavior. Gabor Mate talks about it in his work with addicts. They experienced trauma as children and were overwhelmed by the shame/inability to reconcile their feelings. Once I understood that connection it helped me see people, even those who had wronged me deeply, in a different light.

[@tatjanatodorovic7359]

Wow, I have that bad feeling almost all the time...its shame. Thank you

[@blahblahblah9662]

I feel that I’m on the really extreme end of the “im always wrong” side of the spectrum. It’s so extreme that I’ve started to apologize when I make eye contact with strangers. Like as if I’ve somehow broken a boundary and then I apologize again when I realize seconds later that that was strange. It’s funny to look at in this way but also very sad. I’m so incredibly ashamed of who I am, just by existing, that I feel guilt when people even look at me. Working to change it so I can finally begin to live a full life though. Your videos have been a great help!

[@sabrinasel869]

This could not have come at a more Perfect timing

[@karen0karen]

Both my mother and I have bipolar and manias definitely led to being 'shameless'. I also get it that having bipolar is definitely also a reaction to trauma. my experience with my mom is that she is has 'exiled shame'. There is just no point in talking to her about her part in stuff. She literally hammers away, "Im great at this, right? Im the best at this, arnt I?" and if I dont confirm, and confirm several times, she wont stop. I am so happy to NOT be living with that anymore.

[@augustlunaonline]

It was so wonderful to hear you talk to your son about shame and how to let it go. One particular time, I was talking with my mom about my struggles with school and how I felt really bad about how I handled things aka procrastinating. When I mentioned that I was trying to move forward from feeling bad, my mom said, “You should feel bad.” My mom says this sort of thing in response to me making a mistake, messing up something, or not handling things in the “best way” aka the way SHE thinks I should handle things. I’ve since realized that my mom and dad have taught me to hold onto my negative emotions and use them to mentally beat myself up because when I make a mistake, “I should feel bad.” I’m in the process of learning to accept ALL of my emotions and process/let go of them in a healthy way.

[@gooddoctor9542]

In my early childhood at age 4 i remember two girls approaching me asking me to repeat some words and when i said them they laughed at my prononciation they were way older, i was ashamed and i remember well how tears gathered in my eyes, all the years of my childhood till my early teens, my siblings always called me names (mocking my way of talking) , i don't know why my mother never defended me, and never correct them, my father also played a big part of my shame of talking, because he was always angry when i mispronounced the "r" i remember he made me repeat it many times and even scream at me, that time i cried and my cousin told him he should go easy on me, i grew up feeling ashamed to speak, always have a low voice, what made it worse, is that my parents had always great expectations of me, made me showing off my educational skills in front of my uncles (i started reading at 5 years old in two languages) that made me always feel that people are watching and are waiting for me to do a perfect job, and if not they will laugh... my parents never allowed me to be free to do what i love, what makes me happy, drawing is a waste of time, going outside is dangerous, ...etc they weren't good at communication and they thought my early isolation was a part of my normal personality, i don't remember them ever asking about how i was, if i was okey, even when I'm sad they would ignore it and never ask the reasons they would be just angry of my emotions, of my needs... They never let us to express freely... I don't remember clearly everything, they are foggy memories, but i remember this poem i once wrote when i was a kid (i used to write in english which was not my native language just because my father once read my journal and laughed at it so o decided at that time to learn a language he doesn't understand) i wrote "they ask me do this and don't do that, always confusing me I can not understand what they want of me, I'm just a doll in their hands" 😅 yeah i still remember some of my songs i written long years ago... I sang them when i was angry and overwhelmed... Oh yeah i developped some kind of Dissociative identity disorder back then because life was scary to spend it alone at that time

[@kaylaharris1438]

I laughed to myself when you mentioned lying awake at night wondering about something that happened ten years ago because it is 4 a.m. now and I've been dealing with this exact scenario all night. Thank you for the work that you do. This video has given me a lot of insight and best of all I can go to sleep now because I know what to work on when I wake up.

[@Fandoms4Life]

The statement that "No one's going to die if I make mistakes." feels life-changing and new when I've been constantly catastrophising for weeks on end being triggered by trying to recruit participants for my dissertation and feeling the perceived pain of rejection when I don't get any responses every day