overexplaining and rambling in autism and ADHD (neurodivergent communication)

[@MVance-k9p]

My issue with giving too much information when I speak on a subject is associated with how intensely if feel about the information and a sense of completion. I have difficulty giving only part of the information as I associate deletion with incompletness, inaccuracy or lying.

[@erica_em]

🎯

[@laurends0614]

This really articulates how I feel. We are literally putting in so much effort because we care about understanding and honesty.

[@heedmydemands]

Yes I must reach completion. When I'm not able to finish a thought in conversation it takes up so much mental bandwidth as an unsaid part

[@djcmission]

I finally outgrew the uncomfortable silence in social settings, as if someone must entertain others. It only took seven decades.

[@ProudlyAutistic]

Oh yeah, the silence doesn't really bother me. But I would like to talk with other people without them forming bad opinions of me.

[@KendallEsse]

I have never heard it explained so clearly. Thank you!

[@nozhki-busha]

The funny thing is overexplaining and rambling only seems to be an issue when im talking to neurotypical folks.

[@ProudlyAutistic]

Funny how that works. I think it's either because we're (NDs) are patient with each other....or interrupt too much to let the other person ramble 🤣

[@nozhki-busha]

@@ProudlyAutistic I suspect a combination of both and its great :) Most of my close friends are ND except one who is NT, but hes a musician and very chill and patient with us anyway.

[@rongravelle603]

Yeah same here. I can see how it goes in one ear and out the other.

[@chelly_belly11]

Being hypervigilant due to prior abusive relationships means I am aware of negative body language and microexpressions from others, and they send me spiralling while I'm still trying to converse. Once I am alone again, I process these along with my own performance. Now, I use this to decide who to spend time with moving forward. Thank you, kindly. I am not alone. 🌺

[@laurends0614]

I am going through this process myself. I’m feeling pretty lonely and when I read comments like yours, I am sad that you are experiencing this, but want you to know that you aren’t alone. I’m hoping, when I’m able, to meet more neurodivergent friends. I wish you the best in your journey 🤍🤍

[@ProudlyAutistic]

Nope, not alone! I've been in very bad relationships as well. I was also not diagnosed until age 40, so I spent quite a bit of time "studying" others. Both experiences caused me to be hyper aware and vigilant. I think I'm very good at reading people. The problem is that I have no impulse control (maybe the ADHD?) and am so quick to volunteer information or make a fool of myself, even when I know it's better not to engage. I used to ruminate for days after a bad interaction and get really upset with myself. After a health scare, I don't do that much anymore. I am who I am. Good luck on your journey.

[@PhilipWatson]

I do this all the time as a middle-school teacher teaching English and Social studies, and only recently realized how much my tangents in lectures annoy them. I usually tend to focus on the one kid (probably also neurodivergent) that is getting everything and answering my questions, which is not ideal of course. I'm trying to work on it and improve, but divergent thinking is my normal mode. It's super hard for me not to do that. So what generally happens is that neurodivergent kids think I'm the best teacher ever, but most of the neurotypical kids find my lessons boring and confusing because they zone out.

[@spencerdeumer-nt2eu]

Bingo. You know me so well.

[@kellyschroeder7437]

Relate. Thank you 💞👊

[@MelissaGilliam-cw7tm]

My challenge is trying to speak in the first place. I have difficulty with getting conversations started and it can be a pain sometimes.

[@travisnobleart]

I experience the same struggle, and I believe it often stems from the fear of misrepresentating myself, as I have in the past. Sometimes, I-hesitantly-wish I could stay forever silent, as it would absolve much of my mental anguish. This is especially true in situations where people expect me to communicate when it would be most painful to do so.

[@cathybennett4404]

Brilliant, thank you so much. I thought ot was just me ❤😊

[@ProudlyAutistic]

Nope! Not just you! 💛

[@stellar52]

The more I do this, the more I'm becoming insecure and anxious, even while talking to someone. I constantly rehearse discussions I'm going to have with a Doctor, an employer- whoever I'm going to have to talk to, in advance, sometimes weeks before I'm.going to have these talks and also, afterwards, sometimes for weeks. I'm usually even writing down things I'm planning to say, ask or reply, so I can stick to them, but it just doesn't work out. I'm.getting so nervous beforehand and I just can't control it, which makes me hate myself even more. It's not just that I know I behave weirdly in discussions because I've been told so- the fact I just can't change my behaviours adds even more stress.

[@Wiz.37083]

You nailed it... that's me to a "t"...this was very validating... Thank you

[@TheTrueabundance]

I’ve learned to embrace the long pauses, but often those I’m speaking with are uncomfortable with the silence the pause creates and fill it with some small talk type comments, which upsets my train of thought even more!

[@AncTreat5358]

Great video, Karen! Thanks for the more candid sharing from you. I definitely go into much greater detail when speaking. It frustrates conversation partners often. In the spirit of your helpful tool of a journal, I script in Apple Notes at least 1-2 weeks prior to a doctor appointment, making a comprehensive "agenda" with talking points, try to submit it prior to the visit, and bring printed copies to the visit. It's pretty obvious when I am sharing this with a neurotypical doctor, as they say "he brought me x pages of notes". But frankly, I *need* this, due to memory issues and being autistic. And it goes hand in hand that, for most human interactions, I need to pre-script how it will at least begin, or I either stumble on words, or go largely mute.

[@ProudlyAutistic]

I'm very similar. I stumble on words quite a bit, that's why I need to talk slow. I really can't do spontaneous conversations. They never go well.

[@In_TheMoonlight]

Every point in this video makes me feel so seen, as does the cadence of your voice. Very nice video :)

[@rongravelle603]

I watched my family roll their eyes and one of my cousins said “nobody’s listening to you” but he is also very mean and a violent guy so I went no contact with them.

[@ProudlyAutistic]

Good idea with no contact. That sounds traumatic and rude. I went no contact with a parent years ago. Hard but necessary. It's seems to pretty common in our community. I may do a video on it...

[@tims9434]

1st. I love your choice of content.

[@ProudlyAutistic]

Thanks! Glad you like it ☺️

[@karens8633]

I tend to be “Short, sweet and to the point”. I wish I had a good voice, but it’s too nasally and I have tongue tie. 😢 My Mother is a great Singer, so it really pains me that I have such trouble communicating. 😢

[@PatchworkDragon]

Speak unto others as you would have them speak unto you. Yes, I DO want someone to specify their preferred brands and amounts when I am picking up groceries. I DO want them to tell me the reasoning behind things so I can remember them better. I give people the information I see as absolutely necessary, and they not only accuse me of rambling but expect me to extrapolate from their vague instructions.

[@ProudlyAutistic]

I agree with you. The lack of detail is confusing, but it clearly works for them....I assume in the same way that the extra detail makes sense for us.

[@ryandoherty6174]

Yes, I'm annoying to talk to. So they say 😬 Good subject 😊

[@kimapel1528]

I stumbled upon your channel to learn more about ASD and neurodivergence to help my son who is diagnosed with ASD . This topic resonated with me with a co-worker who is clearly neurodivergent and goes off on tangents that take up so much of my time and I have a schedule to keep to with back to back clients so i dont have the time to listen. I respectfully ask this co worker to email me and ill get back to him. I feel mean sometimes but I trying to be patient and respectful. Would love any tips from this community how to navigate this

[@Imagination_lives]

This was interesting, Karen, as communication is one of our hardest struggles. I tend to ramble when talking about anything related to my special interest(s) and after I've had a very extended period of isolating, during which I thought a billion thoughts that had no outlet...so many thoughts with no outlet for such a long period of time = infodumping when I do decide upon an outlet. For example, I would go for 2 weeks without hardly saying a word, after which I would call my dad and overload him with all the abstract or deep stuff my brain had been thinking about during that time. He listened, but I could tell it was too much. Ugh.

[@laura.bseyoga]

It's constantly frustrating! 💚

[@WoohooliganComedy]

Thanks, Karen. 💖

[@Infinitesimal-ho7it]

Do you ever feel like that those of us that have a tendency to pause might be trying to find the right word and also being very self-conscious, and that pausing to find the right word is very useful for writing?

[@ProudlyAutistic]

Yes, I pause to find the right word. I am extremely aware of how other's perceive me so I try to be very purposeful in the way I communicate. Unfortunately, I'm also an ADHDer, so when the impulsive side kicks in I just say whatever random things comes to mind and then the autistic side doesn't know how to back peddle, lol, sigh.... I'm not sure how this impacts our writing. I know I take a lot of care in my written words as well, more than in speech, because I typically have the benefit of time. This is just anecdotal though, not sure how many others relate...

[@RadioLibreExpression]

Yes but I am like this and I like it♥️👍

[@ProudlyAutistic]

Glad it was helpful!

[@siennaprice1351]

I definitely have a hard time finding my words. I wonder if I’m making since or if I will say the right things so that way someone else will get what I’m trying to say.

[@MVance-k9p]

Consider how autistic brains utilize different areas of the brain for all information on a subject compared to the more isolated areas accessed by neurotypical brains. The NT brain has a more superficial and linear way of thinking and then uses a superficial and linear language method to communicate. Autistic brains have a more three dimensional and high definition way of thinking and then has to translate that into a linear language. Imagine trying to say all three thoughts in your brain at once. That's not going to happen.

[@rongravelle603]

It’s because we have denser packed neurons in our brains. It’s also responsible for our hypersensitivity. Neurotypical people I frequently find are superficial and easily led.

[@AuditingWithAutism]

@mvance-k9p, I couldn't agree with you more. 100%

[@AuditingWithAutism]

Journal journies for better memories I sort of picked up after reading Gertrude Steins book, Alice B Toklas, where her protagonist does the same. Great video topic!

[@ProudlyAutistic]

Yes to journals! My challenge is that I have many and I have no process to them. I may use one one day, another the next. I was using one the other day that had notes from 5 years ago in it. But I'm sure this is the ADHD... Even with the chaos, journals are good.

[@AuditingWithAutism]

@ProudlyAutistic LOL. I think it's worth it. For the future. Could you imagine, for example, the joy of reading your great-grandmothers journal of life? The things we could learn...We do it for the kids.😄

[@edwardsong7628]

I can relate to having to follow a script when speaking. I was once very politically active, and when I spoke I had to write down what to say. Most people could just wing it and still make a good speech.

[@ProudlyAutistic]

Yeah, I admire people who can do that. Sometimes, if I know a subject extremely well, I can speak to it with confidence. But it won't take long for me to get off topic. I can be a deer in the headlights with topics I'm not overly familiar with and just use scripts to quickly kick the conversation to someone else. Not great.

[@edwardsong7628]

I once practiced law. Autistic people can make very good lawyers. Indeed, autistics can do excellent legal research, but they can be very good trial lawyers, too. Modern day trials are scripted, and autistic lawyers can craft very good scripts. On the other hand, autistic lawyers may have trouble doing oral arguments at an appellate court. Being good at oral argument at an appellate or Supreme Court hearing requires the lawyer to process information quickly to make good quick responses.

[@ProudlyAutistic]

Agree, there's a lot of aspects of law that are very well suited to the autistic skillset. Personally, I could never be a trial attorney. My challenge would be needing to come up with responses quickly and without becoming emotionally dysregulated.

[@edwardsong7628]

I'm not sure. I've graded high school English papers before, and I the autistic one, is the one who gets to the point. The students tend to ramble on all over the place.

[@ProudlyAutistic]

I wonder if that's specific to writing though. I'm a very good writer because I don't have the pressure of someone waiting for me to respond. It is that pressure and time sensitivity that makes verbal communication difficult at times.

[@edwardsong7628]

@@ProudlyAutistic Probably true.

[@MaryKDayPetrano]

I totally disagree with you as to why Autistic people communicate the way we do, as well as all the abelism invalidating terminology you keep using to explain and excuse things in your video. For just one small example, what Neurotypicals see as "prioritizing" may in fact be inferring wring facts and therefore a form of fraud.