When You Can't Remember Childhood Trauma

[@MariaMMCardoso]

"People will forget what you said and done but will always remember how you made them feel" Maya Angelou

[@gertipumb6695]

👍❣

[@amyb7823]

Wow, very profound and so true.

[@emq6892]

❤️ I have this sick feeling of a memory I’m not sure about but I do remember the feeling/how I felt & feel now. I believe where most of my triggers started from, with it now present in my mind I feel myself falling back into distraction mode not always healthy things. I had an idea of writing and sending a letter not stating it’s from myself. Saying ‘being alone is better than pretending to be excited about seeing someone you dread. I no longer feel guilty for this, because you were a perv**’ Hard for me to say the word. ) It felt like a good idea, coming from a place of realisation and wanting to move on, not anger or hate. but I held back and have now been over thinking it trying to know what to do. Since my anxiety and self worth is ❤️‍🩹 not great. They may not even get the letter But then again

[@annewandering]

Not always true. Children are good at hiding bad memories especially severe abuse.

[@amyb7823]

@@annewandering I highly doubt the person who authored this quote was speaking in absolutes. I think it's common sense that of course, people will remember more severe treatment, such as abuse. I think they meant, in general, IF you happen to forget the actual events that occurred or what was said between you and another person, you will more than likely not forget the way they hurt you and how they made you feel inside.

[@artisnotaboutart7832]

I’m actually terrified of uncovering what might’ve happened. So to anyone feeling like this, you’re not alone.

[@kathrynquinnstreeter4238]

Thank you for this comment, truly.

[@perrytheplate]

Same, I keep telling myself I’ll journal the few memories I have, but I’m terrified of what I might write down.

[@Moon_stak42]

Heads up, if you have suppressed trauma memory don't do DMT. What I recovered almost killed me.

[@Shalalalala_666]

@@Moon_stak42 what if I’m a psychonaut?

[@Shalalalala_666]

Also if I’m going to heal, shouldn’t I do everything I can to recover the bits of memories I lost?

[@plursocks]

As someone who forgot their trauma only to remember it later... sometimes it's better not to remember and just work on healing where you are. Trust me.

[@ngeldj001]

thank you for this

[@LiteralmenteFadul]

Thanks for posting this, I'll remember this.

[@sarahmaxima]

I fully second this. I started remembering my trauma and it almost broke me.

[@Haidar-Philosophy]

Yep I third that.

[@nevercracker6352]

@@sarahmaxima same it hit me like a ton of bricks and it's like now what 😞

[@amycuaresma]

Feeling safe in someone’s energy is a different kind of intimacy. That feeling of peace and protection is really underrated.

[@growingandlearning164]

Absolutely.Thats why I went NC with my mother 6years ago. I always felt stressed in her presence and agitated after she finally left it.

[@NickiNicki140]

Coregulation!

[@anopinion1349]

Truely, I've only started to feel that recently woth some of my friends and it genuinely feels like a drug to not be so on edge 24/7

[@strangelitgirl]

Omg yeah ❤️❤️❤️

[@shadowfax9177]

One of the reasons I married my husband. He has such a calm, forgiving energy that makes me feel loved and safe.

[@lauralucreziamartell3342]

I absolutely fall into the category of people who feel "I wasn't sufficiently abused to suffer from childhood trauma." This makes me reticent to seek a group therapy situation.

[@laurierosejones9531]

Just go. If you aren't better with it in 90 days, they will gladly refund your misery. Survivor's do not compare to see the "worst" case. We honor one another's experience.

[@rani.andretti]

Yup 🤚🏼

[@cazandopixus]

Just because some people have it worse doesnt mean your pain doesnt hurt. Think about it in physical terms. If you break a leg , you go to the doctor. Get patched up. Take some painkillers. Rest. If you brake two legs and a rib, same thing. Yeah, the person who was inured more will face more challenges in recovery. But both are equally real and painful things that REQUIRE care. Go for it and i hope you feel better soon :)

[@ptanyuh]

There are ASCA (adult survivors of child abuse) groups all over the world--my group means SO MUCH to me

[@misseselise3864]

i know just how you feel. i used to feel guilty when i got upset over something “small” because someone else has it so much worse. thankfully i was able to grow out of this mindset. just remember that your trauma is valid no matter what. we all exist in completely different circumstances than each other and process things differently. one person might be so upset about something that it makes them physically sick but another person who also experienced that thing wasn’t bothered about it at all

[@natedawg3765]

"Just getting through childhood as opposed to taking it in" damn that one hits hard

[@faesdays]

this really hit me hard too, probably the one thing that really stood out the most in this video.

[@starlingswallow]

Yup. Being in survival mode Almost 24/7 (and being disassociated or daydreaming) really wipes one's memory. Getting through the day instead of LIVING 😢

[@LifeIsGood1992]

​​@@faesdays me too 😢

[@biancasenisi3900]

Thank you for this video. I recently asked my therapist "What are most people's childhood memories like?" Because mine are like islands of very specific memories unconnected from each other, with deep gaps of nothingness in between. The memories I have are often descriptive such as what I did, not how I felt. He told me that based on what I've told him about my family, he's not surprised by that at all. I'd been telling myself that either there must be something wrong with my ability to form memories, or maybe everyone remembers their childhood as vague, hazy, and emotionless. It was eye opening to hear that that is not the case, and that he could tell what my childhood must have been like just based on the information I gave him about my family dynamic in the present.

[@patriciastephenson-chan908]

Wow, you described exactly how I remember my childhood. But maybe that is normal? We can't possibly remember everything, so we would probably tend to remember certain representations of the things that were more out of the norm, wouldn't we? That said, I would definitely be curious if other people have more of a complete memory timeline or not, though...

[@admiraloverdone]

God, I feel like I could have written this. Thank you!!

[@cbahm]

Your “islands of very specific memories” and “deep gaps of nothingness” observation rang a big bell for me!

[@DjurslandsEfterskole]

So.. What are most people's memories like? Are they not like isolated islands with lots of nothingness inbetween?

[@cbahm]

@@DjurslandsEfterskole I’ve wondered this before too.

[@ReforeSetka]

I find that for me, I remember things randomly after talking about childhood. It's like a door I don't have a key to? Someone else does. And sometimes the door will open and I can see inside it, then it shuts again. Sometimes, rarely, the door is stuck open and it can't be shut again. This was a really helpful and validating video :,) thank you

[@scarebears3359]

That's a really good way of putting it. I can relate

[@victoriasofitel]

YES! I love it! Sometimes The Key that unlocks the revelation lies in the consciousness of another! I have had and have been this experience for someone else.

[@KiraNightshade]

I relate to this a lot. Certain moments became defining moments, such as the time I was too scared to go down a slide and I was crying and eventually climbed back down. But I remember my Dad's frustration with me that day just as much. I love him, but he has never been very patient with my emotions and my actions were more dangerous than going down the slide. I think the height scared me. As he told me, I was more likely to fall going back down, but I did it because it was more controlled and how else would I get down if I couldn't slide?

[@EnfusionFinance]

@@victoriasofitel I love that phrasing "lies in the consciousness of another"!

[@meganm4877]

I remember stuff thanks to psilocybin - it's a non-stop stream of memories, bits and pieces.

[@mewmixify]

One of the saddest parts of losing memories is that you lose the good along with the bad. I recently recovered just a few happy moments of my childhood and it made me feel so much more grounded. I’m praying for more memories to surface. I know I can handle them now (even awful memories) with my support systems in place, and they help me feel more integrated as an adult.

[@sylviaelizabethclarecholic2073]

Excellent point! TY

[@annelbeab8124]

Great point. It was what it was. Now we can pick what will govern us in future. Past realities are not real. Just the residue. We have a complete access to life now. Memory is always fragmented in humans, perception in the mind has a far bigger scope. Which is great as we only get to be and act in the now.

[@oldenoughtoknowbetter8851]

My Lord! A few happy memories crept through just last night. I'm missing mostly all of my childhood. There was trauma I remember, though.

[@mewmixify]

@@oldenoughtoknowbetter8851 I’m so happy for your positive memory recovery! I remember a lot of trauma too- it feels so unfair that we lost the good with the bad, but the bad still sticks somehow. Here’s hoping some of the happy will “stick,” too! ❤️‍🩹

[@Impaled_Onion-thatsmine]

Emphasis on try not to and being forced into reversing retrograde amnesia

[@nancylpr]

Huge chunks missing. It’s really embarrassing when I talk to people from my childhood and they’ll go into an elaborate story about something we did or things that happened in school and I just don’t remember. All I could think about was what kind of Hell was going to be going on when I got home from school.

[@jenni4claire]

I hope adult life has been better for you.

[@llkellenba]

School was an absolute haven. Maybe that’s why I returned so frequently - 3 degrees. Still get nostalgic comforting feeling whenever going by a school. I’m 66.

[@amyb7823]

The same thing happens to me as well. For me, I don't remember any specifics of my childhood. I remember some overall, general things but not specific things. And it's not just traumatic moments that have been forgotten for me. It is things like funny moments with a friend and I will have no recollection of the memory that is being recalled to me by that person. It's very sad.

[@fragiledate]

im still in school, and stuff that happened barely 4 years ago are an absolute blur. dont even think about going farther! its pretty annoying and yes, really embarrassing :(

[@amyb7823]

@@llkellenba Well, that's great for you....

[@evagabrysova8871]

"It was my family, it was my experiences, it was my life, but what do I know about it?" Absolutely on point, this is how I still feel.

[@akisatsuki8444]

YES

[@MentalWellnessWithWaihiga]

For the longest time I just used to say 'I had a good childhood. My parents were good. I'm the one that messed up ' and I truly believed that for all these years. Yet My childhood memories only start at age 9 and they are not happy ones. It's always me locking myself up in my room alone, listening to emo music. Alone. Crying.

[@RachelWilliams-qq3bd]

I also remember spending alot of time in my room listenin to music.

[@strawberry_punch_art]

I thought the same before reading your comment, and now this sounds familiar. For me there was a lot of nightmares, darkness, emptiness, and the only tangible thing being a burned hole in my jacket just about a size of a cigarette. And focusing on school.

[@jenni4claire]

I used to have a total memory blank, looking back, no childhood memories, up to adulthood. As family members passed away - 2 siblings and 2 parents in 6 years - each death brought an intense tsunami of "lost" memories, rushing back. Strange and unexpected.

[@penyarol83]

Condolences. That’s a lot of losses 🙏🏼😔

[@nataliapagano]

Stay strong

[@austincde]

❤️

[@tanyacunningham3195]

I've often wondered if l will have more memories when my parents pass away. Reading your comment, lm very sorry for your loss, it makes me feel that it's a very real possibility. All the best for a bright future.

[@jenni4claire]

@@penyarol83 Thank you, you are very kind

[@toorealformyowngood241]

Something new that may explain a lot of us is CEN- Childhood Emotional Neglect. Our parents did all the necessary basics for us and our care, but were unable to gauge us when we needed them in an emotional manner, like support or talking about something. Everything will be fine, they'd say, and never assisted us with any real solutions. Look into it, it made so much sense to me. #HumanRace 🙏🏿🙏🏾🙏🏽🙏🙏🏼🙏🏻

[@tia-flame]

Yes! Nothing was ever discussed or revealed. Easier to ‘forget’ something if it’s ignored by all involved.

[@ChiaraDBrown]

Yes, absolutely!

[@DR-cg1ly]

@@tia-flame I relate completely

[@dianelebel8535]

This has gone on for generations, good for you to bring t up now.❤️

[@christinedge7627]

Does this also count when physical manifestations of my mental health (panic attack, scratching) were revealed, I was told to “stop breathing like that”, “don’t scratch yourself, that’s psychotic”?

[@kseniakirs]

I recently had the worst flashback I’ve ever had and it just broke me. If I did remember my childhood, I wouldn’t be able to function anymore.

[@RayF6126]

Yes, but the incomplete and intense flashbacks that happen randomly feel like an attack caused by myself. I eventually had to remember to get some control back. It sucked in the worst way but it ended and the flashbacks probably wouldn't of.

[@TheTabascodragon]

I have early childhood memories that lead me to believe that I was raped. I was so young though (probably younger than 5) that I can't remember the incident itself, just a bit of the aftermath. I feel really awkward trying to explain to someone the feeling of being traumatized by something I can't fully remember. I feel really stupid and wonder if it's just false memories and I'm just wrong about the whole thing. I feel like if it's not true and I tell a therapist that it is that I'd be somehow wronging "real" rape victims. It's a very trapping feeling.

[@irinasolomina1800]

I am experiencing the same thing here. You’re not alone in this one

[@EmmaRayne]

I hear you, but I am a real rape victim and it's okay to share that label with someone who can't remember. I can't remember being sexually abused as a child, but I know I was. But you should visit a rape/sexual abuse counselor. They will understand. If they don't, then find a new one until you can find someone who does understand and support you.

[@gisseller9761]

i am going through this rn too it’s so overwhelming at times. I can remember parts but I still doubt it ever occurred since i was so young. i hope we can all heal from this.

[@jonnybeyer6290]

My dad did horrible things to me…so much so that I sometimes wonder if it was true. My friend who I have talked to over the years as an adult simply told me… as a child why would you make something up like that..After therapy and other signs around the event I know it’s true.

[@KaosInOrder]

I have a vivid memory of my grandfather, wrapping his arm around me, under my shirt, on my naked skin. I was about four or five and remember that I kind of 'froze' until it was over. My mom had told me to go to grandpa to say goodnight. I always had to give him a kiss on the lips, what I didn't like at all. He was sitting in his living room, watching tv and I wanted to say goodnight and leave. But he told me to stay for a while. I wore an overall/flap trousers and a shirt and he shoved his arm right under the shirt. I sat on the side rest of his armchair and didn't move until he removed his arm again. I also remember that someone entered my room at night when I was about the same age. I had a huge basket full of toy blocks right next to my bed and someone tipped it over. My mom later said that it must have been the dog. But our dog weigh about one-third of the basket with toy blocks and he also never entered my room. To this day I don't know what happened but I sometimes think that he abused me in some way or at least tried to. I know that he hit my grandma and caused her falling down the stairs several times. I also know that my grandma had several pregnancies (and five kids) and so it would fit in the picture. But I really don't know and I don't think I will ever find out. My therapist also tried to explain that it isn't relevant and that I don't need to try to get the memory back. It's enough to know that something was wrong then what explains why something is wrong with me now.

[@immenseLOTUS]

Patrick you have helped me more than any other therapist I've actually seen in person. wish I could find somebody like you.

[@emzzhura]

right

[@oxyroid]

Same. Every therapist in my area are super uneducated, inexperienced, and lack empathy. I have to rely on myself and KZbin videos to try and heal.

[@SuzetteSam79]

Maybe he can do virtual sessions?

[@nancylpr]

Absolutely! I would go to him in a heartbeat!

[@mariadeleon5203]

Reach out to him directly. I bet he could counsel you via zoom.

[@MissSpaz]

I can remember parts of my childhood trauma, nearly all of my teen years trauma, but when I was attacked at age 20 (attempted murder) I broke my back and developed CRPS/RSD in my legs. I was bedridden 80% of 2010 to 2014. I literally cannot remember anything from that time period other than watching the show Supernatural, which was the only thing that kept me from ending the game, so to speak. that show saved my life. But I get told stories about those years, old nurses call to see if I'm still alive (I was in home hospice because the pain caused severe cyclical vomiting syndrome and I was starving to death) and it's so bizarre because it's like they're talking about someone else.

[@daisyy99]

You are a descriptive writer. Your suffering is so concerning. I am glad you had a little relief through your show. It interested you intellectually, too. Maybe you would enjoy audible books through the library?

[@TheAscendedDreamer]

❤ same here with Supernatural. I actually have the boys tattoo as a reminder. I especially love Jared’s Always Keep Fighting campaign. I wonder how many lives they have saved just from doing that show and their charities? I hope you are doing well in your journey ❤

[@Chiefleif91]

Oh boy that sounds like a ton of things to go through as a kid and I’m so sorry that there wasn’t anyone there to protect you. I thought my childhood was bad but yeah you went through a bit more than I. I’m relieved to hear that you can walk again or got out the wheel chair. ALSO I LIVE SUPERNATURAL. It’s so calming and keeps my attention.

[@Josh729J]

@@TheAscendedDreamer supernatural is amazing

[@fletchy88]

Have you recovered now Beth though??

[@vsub2929]

Patrick. Ive always hated therapy. A lot of my trauma is tied to a family member and abuser who was a therapist. Ive found your channel and you've helped me in ways i can't describe. Ive made a lot of progress since then and i feel closer to being able to get into therapy. I can only hope that my next therapist is as good and gifted as you

[@MM-pl6zi]

It doesn't help that the mental health system in general is very narcissistic. No other profession has as much power over people.

[@vsub2929]

@@MM-pl6zi I can't really complain about the mental healthcare system in my country. As its fairly decent. And I had genuinely had couple of therapist who were probably great but I could never open up because I would go into defense mode when they tried to help me. The thought was like what if they were like my abuser. Because said abuser was a child therapist while literally not having an ounce of empathy, being a compulsive liar who would manipulate everyone around them to abuse me and isolate me. One moment they act like they love and care about u and then next they are degrading u or assaulting u. They are the kind of person who would kick me in the head and upset me on purpose to trigger an epileptic seizure. Thats the sole reason why therapy was hell for me. I found this therapist many years back whom I connected with first appointment. It just clicked but then those memories crept up after the appointment and I stopped going.

[@MM-pl6zi]

@@vsub2929 I can relate. 😢 At least when abusers are jerks all of the time, you can learn to trust nice people, but when they flip back and forth, you learn not to trust anybody. The shoe could drop at any time.

[@skarbuskreska]

@@vsub2929 my friend has the same problem, her parents wanted her to go to therapy to get away with problems, she should have changed. By just the description of her family I knew that THEY needed the therapy not her. But despite having problems (also because of that shitty childhood) and basically needing that therapy, she never found the trust to a therapist. She tried some times and each and every time she felt like she instantly closed inside of her. And because she's an intelligent women she knew that under that circumstances the therapy made no sense. It wasn't that bit of uncomfortable feeling we all have with strangers at first, it was a complete shut down. A really shitty sitation for those needing therapy, but the reaction is understandable.

[@katiescott3354]

Wow, that's a really difficult situation. I never thought about an abuser being someone particularly educated, especially in psychology. I'm sorry you experienced this ❤ While I'm not in the same circumstances, I found it hard to find a therapist that I connected with. I've literally seen... a minimum of 7. It took me a while but I've finally found someone that (more or less) realizes what I'm dealing with. Sure, sometimes she's wrong with her conclusions, but she always asks me if she's getting the situation correctly so we can be on the same page 😊 it definitely helped to find someone who practices more than just CBT which I find is very focused on coping strategies and less on understanding where the problems stem from.

[@skaarlet1449]

No one did believe me. I tried to outcry numerous times. My adoptive mother is a narcissistic sociopath, if not an outright psychopath who abused me mentally, physically and sxly. When I'd try to get help, she'd whip out her checkbook and pay off whomever I'd told, from a friend's mom, to neighbors, to the owner of the daycare I stayed at, to a school guidance counselor (she took a $3000 check--I actually saw it on her desk). I even told family members. My maternal grandparents would scold me for talking ugly about my parents. From the age of 13 on, I learned to keep my mouth shut because if I talked and mom found out the beating I'd get AFTER she had to pay hush money was even worse. And mom found out. I should add my paternal grandmother (who died when I was 8-9) did protect me. I escaped a beating one day that had gone on for hours; it was the first one I remember where dad employed a new tactic. "Mash that mouth." It's exactly what it sounds like. I'll leave it at that. Mom called him off, warning, "Not the face, we can't let anyone see the bruises." While he was arguing with her, I darted out of the house. I ran to my grandma's house and hid under her bed. My dad, infuriated that I'd let his mother see what he'd been doing, came looking for me. My grandma beat him over the head with a broom handle and chased him off her property. I stayed with her for a few days, but eventually, dad came and promised her it would never happen again. A few weeks later, dad put her in a horrible nursing home in the city. I only saw her a couple times after that. She was the ONLY person who EVER attempted to protect me.

[@williamsilva5701]

How are you doing nowadays?

[@Tipperary757]

This is horrible. I hope you have found some intervention(s) which provide safety, comfort + peace. I know it is not easy. Take care.

[@HeBorka]

I m so sorry that happened to you, it's horrible.

[@leejoo3404]

❤

[@summerarrambide4863]

I’m so sorry that you went through this . I went through something like this and now I take care of my dad it’s hard but I have relentlessly tried to run from everything and everyone. Finally I went to see him after his wife died, he wasn’t in the greatest place I didn’t want to take him. I outright refused but my husband is the one who told me not to be like that and to take him home … we fought for a year and now that he is sober ! Life is new and I’m happy we did take him . Last words I said to my mother and brother were I hate you I’m not your sister or daughter and I wish I had said I love you I’m sorry your suffering but your hurting me. I never got that opportunity she killed her self the same night I told her that and my brother was killed in prison during a gang fight. I miss them now that I’m grown I wish I had them here with me. Forgive and move on for yourself.

[@Notguilty1]

I remember very little before age 8, I have only snapshot memories of the molestations. What I have learned is that the mind doesn’t make up the trauma. I “needed” to uncover the truth in order to deal with it, against the recommendations of my many therapists. Found out the truth made no difference. I still had the trauma. Stay with a good therapist. They can make a world of difference.

[@SeeJthrive]

I definitely disassociated as a child. Some of what I've uncovered from reconnecting with my sister and working through our trauma together is absolutely horrific. I stopped trying to talk to my mom about it years ago because she would never acknowledge the trauma or lifestyle of being a strung-out drug dealer. Instead, I would get "You're being dramatic, your childhood wasn't that bad" or "you should be thankful it wasn't as bad as mine". There's not much relationship left there.

[@YesJellyfish]

Yes.. "it wasn't as bad as hers" I've heard that one and it's painful. I'm glad you were able to work through it together and not alone. I hope you'll be able to heal and enjoy life 🌸

[@solutionix23]

Trauma dumping: TW: SH, emotional abuse(?) Yes, the fact that every memory I have about my mother/parents (I don't have any together with her, only about her bc she worked most of the time) is that I tried to get perfect grades, make dinner, in generally be independent at age 6-11. I realized she wasn't a great mother I can 'remember' (I know that it happend but nothing more) an argument where I bought something I wanted, but kept it secret ,bc I knew ,if she knew she would scream at me why I'm wasting my money on that, in the argument she asked me if I thought she is a bad mother, I didn't know what to say. I wanted to say yes but I knew I always had to please her bc her childhood was way worse. I didn't answer and she cried. I had to apologize instead of asking why I felt that way. When she found out I cut myself ,the only thing she said was she did it too when she was a teen. Now (16) I rarely talk to my mother, my stepfather can be fun, except when he had a few to much beer (still think it's possible that he assaulted me, bc he often looks wierd at me when he's drunk and at least one time tried to kiss/touch me and often slapped my ass even when sober), she often makes passive aggrasive statements about how I never do anything with them or my little brother (3). I'm often annoyed by him, I just hate children in general, since I was always told that I'm overreacting (by my mother, who would have thought) I don't really show any emotion (my girlfriend really helps me get better at expressing them and allows me to feel something) and if I'm showing emotion it's often rage or sorrow (me hitting walls and almost breaking my hands, ripping clothes, crying/screaming, hyperventilating, etc.) so I don't want to do anything with him, to not expose him to that, I want him to have it better than me. Sorry I just wanted to get that off of my chest, since I definitely can't go to a therapist as long as I'm not living on my own.

[@YesJellyfish]

@@solutionix23 that sounds very tough.. It's good that you're sharing though! I think that when someone hurts us, the healthy thing is to deal with it together. For example we point it out, the other person apologizes and we forgive them. The responsibility is split. But if the other person doesn't admit it, then the responsibility is not split and we have to deal with it alone. That's very hard, especially if you are young and cannot leave the situation. I think therefor when you share your feelings somewhere else, like in therapy or with friends, your girlfriend or in a comment, then you don't have to deal with it alone anymore. A good therapist will really help, but I think every bit counts, even a youtube comment.

[@begummm11]

"You should be thankful your childhood wasnt as bad as mine" my narcisistic mom said. She also said I was a dissapointment, I was fat, ugly.

[@simaturna9765]

@@begummm11 most mothers do that unfortunately ...and for example my mom always complained about how her father and mother treated her bad but she treats me worse and she still does she always tells me how worthless i am never mind .....

[@briannafederowicz7463]

What’s strange for me is that as I get older I’m starting to remember my childhood and the bad things that happened as my life becomes more stable

[@raichaihiggins]

Same here! Hope you’re ok

[@Liisa3139]

I'm 60+ and I have been wondering if this would be happening to me. I haven't noticed any signs of it yet.

[@beverlypeace149]

Maybe it has everything to do with feeling safe and valued. That's what I'm also experiencing

[@Jennifer-gr7hn]

...because you're more stable :) You're not longer living in the survival mode :) You've free yourself up to accept what you were likely denying

[@rebeccamartin2399]

Maybe because we are more stable, the mind feels safer to allow that to come through.

[@starlingswallow]

I only have one memory of my mom "protecting me". My dad put his hands on my neck and slammed me against our dining room wall. After she got me out of the house, I have no memory of a talk afterwards. My family liked to ignore what happened and go back to being "normal". Patrick, thank you for this video. I have sooooooo many blank spaces of memories. 😢😖

[@leahflower9924]

The sweep everything under the rug family

[@ltodd6184]

Boy, for sure! My childhood included a daily dose of sweeping it under the rug behaviors. But as young children, most of us are quiet capable of picking up on each family members own code of disfunction tthey project. For me, the disfunction was so blatantly evident on a daily basis, I finally had it mostly figured out by the age of eight as to what was going on. I at that age realized both the cause and the effect- and in my mind- it wasn't something you could just skip over. Imagine my father's look ( opened jaw to the ground) when I told him that I wanted my father to be truly happy, that he could do better, and that I wanted him to start thinking about divorcing mom. I'm pretty sure parents are so vexed in their own shit that they can't see the fallout The create with their daily mind numbing denial.

[@Vanity0666]

My dad did the same to me but I never had a mother around to help. Some of my only memories of childhood are him choking me and the look on his face as he did it until I blacked out, him throwing me through cabinet doors, splintering them while accusing me of faking the reaction to him literally picking me up and throwing me or pushing me to the ground, and him picking fights with me while standing in doorways and blocking any attempts to get myself out of the situation. I wasnt allowed to have friends, and if he ever saw me with someone (i.e. walking home from school) he would beat me until I told him who they were, then he would find their families and threaten to kill them if they allowed their kids around me. Decades later and I still feel like his prisoner even after having left the situation.

[@starlingswallow]

@@ltodd6184wow. Thank you for sharing! I'm so sorry for what you went through. When you said this to your dad, what happened afterwards?

[@starlingswallow]

@@Vanity0666I am so, so sorry. You deserved friends. Especially due to your home life and the terror and aloneness you must have felt. 😢 How are you doing now? How's the healing going? I've finally (this year) learned how to not only know my true self (that was buried under a pile of trauma) but to also love myself in all the ways my parents didn't. What freedom! But, it's been the hardest part of my journey. Mindfukness and meditation have helped me tremendously. Especially with ny ADHD, anxiety, and cptsd. Again, I'm so sorry. I'm sending you a HUGE hug!❤

[@plasmocat1863]

When I talk with my brothers about our childhood, I come away with the impression that my childhood was very different from theirs. They tell me about things I did or said that I have no memory of. I do have a few bits and pieces of memory, but very few of them are moments I want to remember. I read or hear about the stories of others who had really traumatic childhood experiences, and I wonder why I feel so disassociated from that time in my life because my knee jerk reaction is that nothing that bad happened to me. I've talked a little about this in therapy, and I don't think I am repressing any specific trauma. I read a lot and watched a lot of tv and wrote, so I think I used escapism to distance myself from my reality. I remember coming home from school once, and on the bus thinking, "I wish I was going home," and then realized that technically I was--although it didn't feel like a safe haven. My therapist worked with me about the way I dismiss my own experiences. I always thought that my experience didn't count because it wasn't "that bad." And objectively, it's not as bad as some of the experiences of others. But my therapist told me, "you wouldn't expect someone who broke a leg to run a marathon just because they didn't lose their leg, would you?" And I realized that I would never expect that for someone else, but I would totally expect myself to run regardless. Maybe I'm over sharing, but I connected to the content of this video deeply. Thank you for making this information available. I know I have a lot of work to do, but that can be overwhelming. It's very helpful to be given some insight and clarity, and even direction. Again, thank you.

[@moonchild708]

not oversharing at all. the other day i was thinking about when i was a bad person (bc of trauma) and realized that i always forgive people who did bad things in the past but can't do that for myself bc my parents never extended forgiveness to me but always forced me to forgive them, similar to your marathon story. i would expect myself to run too.

[@nicolenicole6325]

May i ask how you started to cope In everyday situations?? Self forgiveness is hard for me as well

[@plasmocat1863]

@@nicolenicole6325 Well, there's a 2 part answer to that question. There's what I did before therapy, and what I learned to do after. TL;DR version: Before therapy I repressed everything that made me feel weak, because I believed that no one would take care of me but myself. After therapy, I started to approach things holistically because I have to. Therapy doesn't help the physical pain my brain causes me, but medication doesn't help me find a way out of the problems contributing to the pain. I've also found a really good support network. I never thought that would happen, but I'm very grateful for it. Long version in case my story may be helpful to someone out there: *Warning, if you could be triggered in some way, you may not want to continue. I will not be explicit at all, but I also want to cause no harm. * Before I found a therapist who was good for me, I would repress repress repress. When I was a kid, my favorite characters were like Mr. Spock and Data. My version of not letting things bother me was to shut down until I felt nothing. A small example of this was how I trained myself not to get upset in traffic. My mother & siblings were the type of ppl who would get louder the more impatient they became. My siblings have anger issues, so they can be kind of scary. Their reactions disturbed me and sort of embarrassed me (even though there wasn't an audience per se). Actually, I use the traffic example but this kind of explains how they usually were. One of my siblings was extremely abusive to the other. I didn't always feel safe firm that sibling either, but I was older and when I fought back I could do some damage even if I lost the battle. My dad was a more stoic person than my mom or siblings, and I preferred his demeanor. But his approach had an emotionally unavailable downside. He grew up in an incredibly abusive family himself, and he would often say things like "Well, at least [this] isn't as bad as [that]." He didn't allow much for empathy except in the most extreme cases, and then wasn't necessarily visibly demonstrative about it. So, that's how my inner narrative became "you don't have it that bad. You need to get up and run that marathon." Not everyone can bottle things up like I trained myself and learned to do, and no one *should *. Long term, it's not a sustainable way to cope. I also want to note that as an adult, finally finding a way to communicate with my dad, I found that his reactions were the result of his own coping mechanisms, which helped give me context. Seeing him as a flawed and hurt person trying his best let me see him and myself with a new (more compassionate) perspective. In 2000, my mom died. We had a complicated relationship with both good and bad aspects to it. She could be very controlling and emotionally hurtful, but we were very close and I loved her deeply. I was devastated. I lost friends because they didn't like how down I was compared to how I was before the loss. That's not an assumption on my part,, that's what I was told. And yes, I know that's effed up. Around this time, I got into an unrelated, severe disagreement with one of my siblings (not the violent one) and they cut me out of their life for several years. Additionally, I got into a cpl of really bad relationships (abusive emotionally, physically, and financially) that brought me down even further. At this point I had an episode where I felt so broken and hurt that I could not bear the thought that I'd have to survive decades more of this "life" thing. I found myself thinking of a specific way to ... you know. That's when I said to myself, "you need to go to a doctor." Finding good mental health treatment is always tough, but this was when I was first prescribed medication to help. And it did help the symptoms, if not the cause. By 2005, I was keeping it together enough to work every day because (as my motto went) "nobody's gonna take care of me but myself, so do it." I had moved to a new state for a job opportunity, and on going to a doctor to update my prescriptions, I was referred to a therapist. This therapist saved my life. I mean, yes, he helped me discover how to help myself--but over time my rope was starting to fray more and more. I would have dropped if he hadn't showed me how to repair it. I'll always be grateful although I no longer see him (he's retired). But this therapy took time and effort. A cpl of years into it, I went through a very dark patch and found myself involuntarily committed to a hospital for a few days. This was when I met the psychiatrist who really helped by prescribing a medication regimen that worked wonders for me. This was when I broke through a lot of hurdles with my dad. I had never let him or other family members know what I was going through. He was sad that I believed I could only rely on myself. He had always wanted to be there, but had made some doozies of mistakes. But I believed he wanted to help me at that point, because when I called him to ask for help with my cats while in hospital, he dropped everything to drive to another state to help me. I went through another dark patch recently. I lost my job in 2018 and moved to another state when I got a new one. And then, of course, the global thing happened. My GP was considering another stay in hospital to adjust my meds when I got an appointment with a psychiatrist. It's crazy hard to find mental health care in this are. There aren't enough professionals to handle the demand. This new doctor adjusted my meds without my having to go to a hospital, and it feels amazing. It's literally been years since I haven't had to struggle with the burden of self ending thoughts every single day, many times a day. I am kind of afraid to lose this new freedom, so I latch onto the things my therapist taught me, avoid my triggers as best I can, and give myself space and time to (what I call) lift with my legs. I.e. handle my stuff in a way that doesn't hurt more than help. What kept me from giving into my darkness? My niece and my dad. Ironically, my niece is the daughter of the sibling who had cut me off for years. She didn't even know about me until she was 12 or so, bit we were immediately simpatico. She taught me the truest form of love. She calls me her parent and I call her my child because it happened that I ended up being her support when her parents weren't there for her. I would think about the pain I was feeling, bit that pain was nothing compared to the thought of giving that kind of pain to someone else, especially ppl I love. So, going through my story in answer to your question of how I got through it ... there really isn't one answer. Sometimes just stubbornness, sometimes refusing to acknowledge the pain, sometimes because I tried very hard to get treatment and change my habits, and eventually out of love. But bear in mind that every mind is different, like fingerprints, and that makes everyone's path different, even if just a little. If you can't find a therapist or psychiatrist near you, watching these videos will teach you a LOT. And finally, if you are alone and hurting to the point that just being here sounds to hard to do, please reach out for help. There is no overnight cure, but there can be some immediate relief with professional help. There is nothing wrong with you as a person. You deserve good things. I may not know you, but I'm rooting for you and I believe in you. You deserve kindness and love. You didn't have to do anything to earn it. You just deserve it To find emergency help, here is a website with contact information from a variety of countries. Please be kind to yourself. www.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines I wish for you all love.

[@erikaronska1096]

I get it. I also have a lot of work to do too! I don't have a lot of memories from probably younger than 9 or 10. I do know, as a kid, I never felt like where I lived with my mom was home or that I was wanted. The only place that ever really felt like home for me was my maternal grandparents. Fortunately, we lived with them after my parents got divorced when I was about 2, until my mom remarried when I was 5. Then when I was about 9, they moved into our neighborhood. I could ride my bike there whenever I wanted. We spent holidays at their house too, and I am so grateful to have had them in my life. Most of my early memories are of them and they are good memories!

[@tuttifrutti5596]

you just opened my eyes. I used to read so so much as a kid and I don't really have memories. I never experienced a s.a. either. I have a condition I have been born with and it impacts my physical appearance so I struggle with my looks. But I could never share it with my parents to not bother them or give them a burden. Now after reading the word escapism from your comment, I can make a conclusion. So thank you for sharing with us..

[@jameseglavin4]

This describes me right down to the ground. For a long time I didn’t think enough bad things happened to me to be labeled ‘abuse’ because I couldn’t quickly recall a convincing number of anecdotes. In reality, I had an extremely avoidant attachment style and an expert-level ability to detach from myself when traumatized or triggered. People around me still know the names of their second grade teachers, or what year they went on that one vacation, or what age they were when some historical event occurred. I literally thought I was a year older than I really was for almost a year, because my grasp of timelines is so bad - which is also important to acknowledge - that when you carry trauma with you, it continues to effect you until you deal with it.

[@MyTimelord11]

Yeah I never understood how people can remember the summer when they were 12 and the people they used to hang out with and the games they used to play and the music they listened to etc. It seriously blows my mind. I can barely remember who I was hanging out with 4 years ago

[@nettwench]

I've noticed that myself. It's not just memories around the abuse, it's lack of recall for so many things. I've had the thought that those 2 things are related but never seen anyone talk about this.

[@DorkInProgress84]

THIS, I relate so strongly.

[@tink6225]

it genuinely baffles me to this day when people say they remember things from before they were 6 years old

[@daniellewatson8352]

Keep a diary, it can be sooo validating.🕊

[@silvanusrising]

Twenty years of missing "self", and I am STILL finding things I never knew. (Left home at 13 and am just now 30) I don't personally think having all those memories will help me -- Honestly my brain hid those things for a reason, and I know when the time comes if I need to remember and am ready, I can gently open those boxes.

[@xtonibx5770]

When I was little (about 5), my foot was bleeding. I didn't know why it was bleeding but I was crying a lot because I was terrified and I didn't know how to make it stop and I thought I would die. I was sitting on the kitchen floor sobbing and trying to clean it up and my mother completely ignored me as she talked to her friends. She just dropped a hand towel on me. Nearly every night after that until around age 9, I had night terrors which all involved me being in a life threatening situation surrounded by people who are supposed to love me, but they don't care or help me. I think those dreams made me love and trust them a little less in real life and I kind of distanced myself emotionally and I have trouble believing that anybody truly cares about me.

[@WannaFlyy]

Be the parent that you needed, for your inner child. Let yourself feel the sadness and fury that he had the right to feel. And love yourself... You were a child full of value, despite your mother s lack of love :(

[@winxclubstellamusa]

Me too, along with the night terrors, and panic attacks as well. I’m so sorry.

[@adrianmasters250]

Just imagining this situation makes me sad, that poor little kid who needed help and attention and didn't get it... it's definitely the sort of event that trauma is made with.

[@user-ln2go4xp6d]

oh wow that's terrible, i'm so sorry. you reminded me that the one reoccurring nightmare i had as a child was my mum abandoning me. every time. no idea what that's about.

[@scarred10]

That isnt the kind of trauma that causes problems as an adult,it needs to happen repeatedly over many yrs which cause deep seated adverse personality changes .

[@gloriaterry333]

I grew up thinking my childhood was perfect, and that I was the perfectly free happy child, but as I went through my adult years I realized that it was a lie that my mind told myself.

[@rose-tries]

Learning these things about myself makes me feel like I’m dying. Its liberating but I also get so angry I was made to feel these things and that they’ve surfaced in every aspect of my life. I didn’t deserve this and I don’t deserve to hate myself because of how other people made me feel. My entire childhood was focused on making everyone else happy. I can rarely name my own emotions. Unless I’m angry. I know that feeling too well. Someone else in the comments said they thought other people also have hazy or nonexistent memories and I’ve had an obsession for a few years to ask people if they remember their childhood. They always give me the weirdest looks. I thought it was normal. It’s hard to excuse my parents actions because they also went through terrible trauma, so don’t they know how I feel? Don’t they know they made me feel worthless and like my existence (which they purposely made) is a burden? This shit hurts. Sorry if this is stupid but I really don’t know who to say this to, because unfortunately my abusive parents are still my support system, in specific ways. Conditional.

[@ThePiones]

Of course it's not stupid dear, it's how you feel and it makes sense. Hang in there, best wishes

[@chriss6136]

never related to a comment more. hang in there, God loves you!

[@wonderbubbles4092]

You have my respect (if you care or want it) for maintaining your relationship with them at all. In some ways I think it is more normal to not remember much of our childhoods. I know that you are a much stronger person than I for still being present with them. The best anyone can do is be the person we want to live with and try to make the world a bit better for everyone to live in. Sorry if I sound weird.

[@mackny2001]

Im going through all these exact feelings over the last couple years. I know how distressing and isolating it is to process all of it alone. Its an emotional rollercoaster every day that ive never experienced but i try to remind myself thats the point. To not become them and relearn everything they taught. To process our childhoods we have to feel the emotions we were never safe to in the past. Healing happens when we become the parents we always needed. Don’t let them gaslight you into self doubt over your very human emotions that they shut off long ago. Feeling angry when your child is mistreated and abused is not only healthy its an expression of love that everyone deserves, especially our inner child ❤

[@AugustAdvice]

Years ago when I was 14 I saw a therapist due to a lot of trauma in my childhood. She would ask me to specifically tell her what happened and its like my brain couldn't bring up those "files" or memories, even though the abuse happened on a nightly ongoing basis. Its like I couldn't remember the specifics. I started to worry that she would think I was lying. I would just sit there unable to verbalize what happened to me. Its like a void was in place of the memories. I guess my mind was trying to protect me but it was so frustrating. Thats why talk therapy never worked for me, especially being so young.

[@m.maclellan7147]

Too bad she didn't try something like "Art" therapy. Something creative, not word based might have been a way for you to channel your feelings....

[@theundone777]

For me, those memories are stored in my body moreso than in my concious mind. So, I work with those feelings instead. I decided that I don't need the memories to work with subconscious beliefs that are a result of trauma.

[@StormEyes1991]

It was a defence mechanism. Wjen something traumatic happens we survive as best we can. Sleep is one defence, it gives us distance and we process things a bit when we're asleep, if it's too severe for sleep to protect us then our brain hides the specifics. If that doesn't work we disassociate from reality. Those are the three defences the mind uses.

[@dvdh4856]

@@theundone777 may I ask what therapy or other method you use to heal? EMDR did nothing for me as I don’t have access to the traumatic memories.

[@bethweaver2533]

Sounds like me with therapy when i was 13... i just couldn't get the words out and so id just sit there looking defiant. That wasnt the case. I couldn't say what happened because though i knew something happened i couldn't get the words out. Couldnt remember details or timelines so felt like id be totally unbelievable.

[@judypolstra]

Fascinating. I thought everyone just wanted to "get through" childhood. I've never had the desire to fill in my memory gaps. I am grateful for disassociation.

[@Nekoszowa]

I don't really care about stuff that happened when I was a child, what's the point of living in the past? I remember the friends I've made, how bullied I was and that's enough for me because I know both won't come back.

[@barbarajohnson7513]

I completely relate!!!!! Well said..

[@muliefriend4785]

Same here, 68 and still my go to protection.

[@HeBorka]

I hardly remember anything of my childhood, but I m deeply troubled and so my family. I thought if I get to remember the things that happened to me or not happened but should have, than I would be able to make sense of my present.

[@alexandramaclachlan7597]

Those who choose not to learn from history, are doomed to repeat it.

[@yungariesx]

this made me burst out crying because now everything makes sense

[@katierose1893]

I have few memories or photos of myself before 11. The lack of connection made the days fly by. No family trips, no restaurants, just school and playing with the kids on my block. I studied hard because "I wanted to get out". I did get out but then came back to reconnect and well they are on such a different wavelength that we cannot co-exist. Luckily, I have learned boundaries and am protecting myself and not passing this on generationally.

[@msmanager2775]

Totally my Experience as well.

[@princess19964evr]

Same I NEVER relate to people who say they miss childhood. I wouldn't trade adulthood for anything. At least I have my autonomy.

[@alicetheneko7529]

Same and even playing with others was VERY rare. Almost every time I was with my mom, it was mostly chores.

[@cheeks6310]

I was up and out by fifteen. Changed my name and ran away from home for about seven months to the UK. I hated school and home life. My Dad was mostly angry and aggressive and Mam was emotionally absent and now I'm dating a lovely man but absent way too much. I can't stand these patterns 🤯😵

[@tylerstewart6376]

I have few memories of me before 9/10 i can remember small pieces but I feel like I am missing the whole picture of what my childhood was

[@HeatherDCD]

Thank you for this video. I have a lot of embarrassment to talk to a therapist about something I don’t remember. I have no recollection of my childhood until third grade and the memories aren’t good. I have always wondered if I was molested as a child as I knew about sex at a very young age. I grew up in a very small town and lived out in the country. We didn’t have cable TV and this was pre internet. I’m not sure how I would have this knowledge without experience. As a pre teen and teen my mother was over sexualizing me by dressing me in things she wanted to wear. Crop tops, extremely tight clothes to “show my figure” and frequently shopped for me from the Victorias Secret clothing catalog. This resulted in kids calling me every name you can think of. I recall classmates calling my home just yelling “slut” and “whore” into the phone. Now I wear clothes that are too big and I can’t stand to be touched. I struggle with intimacy, depression, anxiety and boundaries. I have made drastic improvements with these issues but the intimacy is one I’m not sure I can heal.

[@simpletruths5322]

Heather I see and hear you, I can relate, we are not alone

[@jennajoseph893]

Much Love to you.

[@jennajoseph893]

@@simpletruths5322 much Love to you

[@simpletruths5322]

@@jennajoseph893 hi 👋 please know this, you aren’t alone, there is and never was anything wrong with you. It was done to you, you are amazing and valuable, it’s not your fault that others couldn’t see your value, now is the time to take back control and live your best life 🥰

[@traditionalgirl3943]

Go to a Catholic Church that has Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament. When they do, just go an sit with Our Lord and feel His peace. Talk to His Blessed Mother - SHE is the beautiful, loving, protective mother you have always wanted. Jesus gave her to us and she will guide you gently to Him. Just say “hi”. 👍✝️🌹

[@M-to-the-B403]

Wow, Ben’s example was almost a complete replica of my childhood, including holidays. I have barely any memory of my childhood. The memories I have are traumatic in and of themselves. Yet there were huge chunks of time missing still and I never really thought much as to why. However when Covid started, things went south for me mentally, the worst it had ever been. I decided to begin EMDR and after several sessions I went through an experience where I had contact with a complete disassociated state of my subconscious who, in the simplest of words that you could understand, was “me” at 4 years old. Leading up to that EMDR session I was having flashbacks of memories that I never had before that were terrifying and was unsure if it was real or not. There was a sudden realization that something had happened to me as a very young child that I could not recall which greatly exacerbated the intense flashbacks. After I had this EMDR session, I reconnected with that part of myself that was completely closed off and, unbeknownst to me, ever existed in the first place. I refer to her as “little me” and “she” is extremely protective still of the specific details in those memories. When I would push it and try to remember, it caused full blown panic attacks and dissociated states. I came to understand that it did not matter if I knew the specifics or had all the memories, what mattered was I was able to reunite with this younger version of myself and care for her in the way that she should’ve always been cared for. This realization gave me a understanding that I now have the role to protect her, rather than “her” always having to protect me, this was tremendous to my healing. Throughout my therapy I’ve worked on building my relationship with “her” and developing a cohesive sense of self. Overtime, I was able to have a full integration and my life has forever changed for the better. I can reflect inward and look towards the self when I am struggling, and I find strength in my qualities and love I have for myself. Suffice to say, you do not need to remember every detail to heal.

[@ritamariekelley4077]

Beautiful!

[@bsgenius22]

I saw the family map and immediately went "well this looks familiar." Going deeper into the diets and alcoholism it hit way too close to home. I wish you luck on this healing journey ❤

[@shelbyemplit8786]

Thank you for this comment. I have just come up on my own buried trauma due to neglect. My memories are full of holes. I'm terrified.

[@lmc7901]

I always think my childhood made me so defensive the minute someone says something bad to me. My parents were always fighting in front of me and it really has affected me as an adult.

[@audrey-zt4gc]

There is a childhood trauma that suddenly came into memory when I came across a post talking about forgetting traumas you had as a kid. It almost felt like something unlocked a part of my brain that stored the memory. I can’t believe I happened to forget that I got sexually assaulted very young, and suddenly I can now remember a lot of details about what happened and can vividly remember how terrified I was at the moment and thereafter. It made sense I repressed it for almost ten years. It was horrible.

[@abbytheducklord1896]

Did you have things like triggers before you remembered? Like you'd do something and it would give you a very extreme reaction? Like for example, I have an extremely hard time with pelvic exams and I will cry even with mild sedation but I have no idea where this comes from. I was ok with it when I was little little but I'd say around age 5-6years it was like a 180° and it would absolutely terrorize from that point on. I have no idea about why my opinion on it would change so extremely and so quickly. You don't have to answer my questions if they're too personal.

[@Mona-ju8nd]

@@abbytheducklord1896 I am not the author of the original comment, but I experienced sexual assault at a very young age and then didn't remember it for 11 years. For me there were triggers and looking back there also was a change in behaviour after it happened but only now that I remember what happened i can fully understand those triggers. Before I remembered it, I was so confused and it stressed me out so much, that I didn't know why my body just froze and I felt like I wasn't even present in situations where people tried to be intimate with me. After remembering it all makes so much sense now. I hope this is what you meant and maybe help you.

[@audrey-zt4gc]

@@abbytheducklord1896 hearing about news of other people’s SA triggered me so much, though for a long time I didn’t understand why I felt so strongly about it because my brain repressed my own experience so well. I also struggled with people trying to hug me, I find hugging extremely uncomfortable. My first thought in my head every time when someone does try is the hope they’d get away from me. I try really hard not to look visibly uncomfortable though. During the ages between 11-19, when the memory was still repressed, I was not able to understand why I suddenly disliked hugging. I had a lot of pictures from my childhood where I’d hug friends, family, pets, etc and it didn’t make sense. I’m thankful now that I remember what happened, I feel like I am in a process of really healing. I also have other repressed memories I have yet to heal from as well and they have different triggers. For ex. listening to a particular band triggers me a lot because that was the kind of music i listened to around the time it happened. Until this day, I’m still unsure what happened that lead to the trauma, im still in the process of mending that part of myself as well.

[@ssutherland9019]

Sorry that happened to you. So now you can try to be very kind to the little hurt child as the adult you are now. Writing letters to the small hurt person part of you can help. Processing is hard but always worth it!

[@ritamariekelley4077]

💜❤

[@ascheyx7898]

Recently realized my mother has abused me most of my life. Thinking back now, I can barely remember any of my childhood. I have flashes of memories, but they’re usually of my sister (who is a safe haven for me ❤) I always thought my mom and I just had a rough relationship, and that we were just different people, but after some of my friends and my partner witnessing her behavior I realized it wasn’t normal. I always thought I wasn’t abused, but growing up nervous, walking on eggshells, shutting down emotionally and dissociating during fights is not normal. I haven’t been able to go to therapy yet, but I’m really working on it. This video really broke me down and I’m so thankful to have seen it. ❤

[@amycuaresma]

You’re too sensitive = You won’t let me disrespect you.

[@josephineherra5659]

This is soo true. I hate that because I'm fed up I'm throwing that right back at them... "reactive abuse"... except it is more like they are 'hurt' by my truth... another emotional manipulation...not being accountable for their behavior and throwing it back at me by manifesting guilt.

[@niffellbique3744]

I was told that ever other day n unfortunately still believe it to this day ...they even say it now lol n they are 'family'

[@hyejusleftlung]

brings back bad memories- used to get spanked and yelled at and my father would always use that insult- that i was too sensitive and a baby because i was crying. he was always yelling at me it seemed

[@christinemichele2318]

Ooooh.yes! That rings very true. So much wisdom in this video and the comments 💕💜💕

[@davidfox9875]

Yes

[@danielc5205]

I can't remember a lot about my childhood, but I do remember being the scapegoat. Even as an adult, I still don't feel attached to any of my family members, it's like we have mutual dislike for each other.

[@rosajucglaserra4506]

I'm now 62 years old but, as an abused child and an amnesic adult, I think this saved my life ❤

[@aaloha2902]

My parents said they were “too old to learn” in their mid thirties and taught me I was weak & too sensitive bc I couldn’t handle their abusive behavior. They also made me believe it either didn’t happen or it was so long ago that it shouldn’t bother me anymore. I didn’t remember much and thought ptsd panic attacks w cold sweat and feeling extremely unwell were blood sugar issues. I knew I was strong, so I believed I couldn’t have cptsd until I learned more about narcissistic abuse and that punching a child “for fun” with a crazy laugh is still abuse. In the mean time, despite all kinds of therapy, the survival mechanisms had make me sick w Chronic Fatigue and unable to live a normal life. Still working on recovery many years later. Thank you for helping me understand more & heal 🙏🏼

[@lamelomane1656]

Ikr. It's always for fun, or it didn't happen, or I caused it, or it wasn't them

[@daniellewatson8352]

My god. What parent inappropriately puts their hands on a child and finds it amusing? That’s f’d. My father used to beat the shit out of me but I always knew when he was riddled with guilt after the fact. The person who absolutely annihilated me was my mother. I won’t elaborate now as it’s 5am on my continent but I will say when I was 44 I became really ill, like I’d been steamrolled. Even showering became a huge task and finally after 12mths my GP told me I have all the symptoms of CFS. Knocked me off my feet for 5yrs. P.S. Chronic Fatigue is caused by trauma.

[@thefatherinthecave943]

Holy shit….i think I know what’s wrong with me. Sometimes someone else has to say it 😢

[@DayMcCArtSapphireandIron]

I have MECFS, & PTSD. My Drs tell me...I believe that your body just shut down, after way too many years of nonstop stress, walking on eggsshells, & abuse. I'm on yr 26...didn't go into remission...bummer! Iiwii.

[@DayMcCArtSapphireandIron]

@@daniellewatson8352 yes, my Drs believe that's what make me sick.🫂

[@steviasativa9803]

“We’re not totally stuck if we can’t remember the situation or details” I feel like you just saved my sanity. Thank you

[@dardar1862]

Thanks so much!!! I’m 65 and have been healing all my life!!! I’m proud of my progress and I’m so very grateful that you are helping us with these extreme challenges 🙏💜🙏

[@jonnybeyer6290]

52 and still sorting things out and slowly healing…it’s never too late 👍

[@sn8597]

Life is about learning and growth. Suffering enables us to grow. I doubt anyone on this planet doesn’t have their share. Looking forward and growing one self gaining awareness of one’s triggers is the best strategy. Blaming childhood parents etc keep us in victim mode.

[@nancybartley4425]

My memories as a kid of my mom are totally the opposite of what she was when I was an adult. Or at least, that is the" feeling" I have. I finally realized I have very few memories of my mom from my childhood. I have not one memory of being held, told I'm loved, smiled at, or interacted with in any way. No emotional contact or shared experiences. Simply not there. However, she made sure I was fed, well-clothed, got to school, etc. Later in life that fits how she treated me but with more coldness and indifference and occasional put downs. I also saw as an adult how negatively she related to other people. I thought she was seriously depressed and had no idea how to help her. So I guess, if I understand Dr T, this means I was emotionally neglected by her as a child. It has taken me a long time to reconcile my images of her when I was a kid with the person she was when I was grown. I simply thought I was a bad person for having a hard time with who she really was. In fact, i still think maybe she was a really loving mom to me as a kid and I just can't remember it, and then she got a brain tumor or something that changed her. I just hate thinking my mom didn't really like me.

[@MsEvaonAir]

I can relate so much. Wishing you strength! It is so hard to realise a parent (especially same sex parent) was neglectful or abusive. I was also fed and clothed etc. But love was never unconditional. I had to perform to receive any. I am now 32 and she is so different now. But if you look closely its still there somewhere.

[@Brittany25-j6f]

I think she is gaslighting you.

[@lindasmith4435]

I have the same experience. My mom was completely emotionally distant to me, but not to my brother or sister. I always felt she didn't love me, and still feel that way. I was never good enough for her, for whatever reason. To this day I still become so upset if I feel someone isn't giving me the attention I want/ feel I deserve. It's very complicated. I've never spoken to her about it, as we are on better terms now, but I would not call us close by any means

[@bevyetc5307]

She may have liked you, but she loved her self more. I am so sorry that happened to you. 😢

[@soniavos8065]

I can totally relate at age 17 my mom had a stroke and came out almost a different person. We have a better relationship now. But I know she hates my Dad and sees alot of him in me. So pretend it's the traits of my dad that she hates. Not actually me she hates. But who knows. If we know better we do better. Stopping trauma is not easy!

[@SilvrRazorFeather]

I remember a lot of what happens in my childhood, or at least I remember blow outs even if I don't remember the initial causes. I still find myself in the thought cycle of "well was it really that bad? Other kids had parents who yelled at them, I'm probably just being too sensitive" and that ultimately leads me to believe I wasn't actually abused and I don't have trauma, despite knowing the definition of trauma and knowing that I have continuous issues in my adult life.

[@TheStoweaway]

i feel similarly in some aspects of my life but i think it’s important to realize that trauma doesn’t always have to be these HUGE bigger than life events. it could also be the aftermath of small traumas building up overtime.

[@lilyblue3205]

Here's something for you: I was emotionally abandoned. When I started kindergarten, my parents told me they're at work until 4 so I have to take care of my "kid" problems. They asked how was school and about grades, but that's it. If I genuinely told them what I was doing, mom would usually point out where I did wrong. All because they didn't want to raise one of these "whiny" kids who always call for their parents. Job well done. I feel like I can't rely on anyone but myself Was this traumatic in the general sense? No. I had food, water, clothes, toys. I had a bike, roller skates, Barbie dolls etc. Did they do their best? Yes. Do I need therapy in order to live a fulfilling life and learn how to connect to others? Also yes.

[@graycat7704]

I can relate so much. It’s hard because I was a scapegoat and because of that I don’t even believe my own thoughts. It’s a cycle in my head.

[@Shortstacksandticktacks]

@@lilyblue3205 I had the exact same thing. I think it is traumatic in the general sense, because you were too young and small to keep yourself safe, and didn't have a reliable adult. You weren't socialized, you had to figure it out on your own. Do your parents ever go to anyone in power to complain, HR, the police, managers? Do they go to other friends to complain, seek advice and connection? They want someone to whine to, but their young child doesn't get the same. That's obvious abuse. And I don't buy that they did their best. They did what was convenient.

[@Noelciaaa]

I was very smart and my parents treated me like an equal from a young age, and not in a good sense of "respecting a child as a small human" but as in burdening me with their own adult troubles bc I gave good advice and consoled my mother while she didn't know how to console me.... Then I would console and manage my younger siblings.... Because I knew how painful it was to not to have that and I knew I could do it better than them. How my dad would always put me to impossible standards of behavior, of being forward, well spoken, driven, that typical marketing mindset bs, correct body language etc, always scolded for slightly off tone or finding it so hard to keep eye contact, showing real emotion while talking. As if I was at some sales workshop ghgh. I was well aware this wasn't malicious in his mind at all, he wanted to make sure people wouldn't walk over me and I'd get far in life but I was too young and born really sensitive for that!! :C. It's still really hard for me to open up about what I actually feel, positive or negative... It takes a lot of time and then when I allow myself to get attached to someone at least partially, I become consumed with fear of them betraying, leaving me, getting sick of me, hating who I actually reveal to be bc I'd also been shunned or bullied, fake friends who exploited my then still trusting nature, longing so badly to connect with someone. After that I did a 180 and let nobody in truly, became a compulsive liar. Hm. Trying to play as someone entirely different and then finding it awful people were so charmed by this illusion they didn't even know that wasn't me. Then I went through a period of burnout, social isolation and general hopelessness, deep depression. But now I'm doing better, I think. Because my parents had also corrected their behaviour a lot. But opening up fully is still very difficult... And it feels scary to think about the future. I wish to stop self sabotaging...

[@psychadelicccc]

This is sooo validating for me 😭 I can't remember most of my childhood and I get soooo stressed out and shut down in therapy when I'm asked about my childhood or past experiences. I don't think I've ever had a therapist who reassured me that it was normal and okay. And even though I know that's pretty common and normal, it's always made me feel awful, embarrassed, and confused. Thank you for this video. 💕

[@quentindaniels7460]

To be honest, I’ve remembered more than I wanted to, when my sub conscious began to push things to the surface in my younger 30’s. I guess I’m glad that this occurred, but I’m fearful about anything else that may be “lurking”. Thank you for the video.

[@dapsolita]

Yes! I completely agree and understand the fear of uncovering more stuff. I wonder if this fear is preventing me from healing completely 😪

[@Melanie123456789able]

I believe he just explained the things you can’t remember can stay that way. Start from today!🙂

[@semperfi818]

Find a competent, trustworthy therapist so that you can face these lurking memories (as they emerge, as they will) in safety; I wish you strength, insight, courage and good luck on your journey to peace of mind.

[@ashtenchambliss284]

The beautiful thing about the human brain - it won't allow us to remember something it doesn't believe we can handle now. If memories do surface, it means your brain feels safe and ready now. I hope you continue to find healing.

[@annewandering]

@@ashtenchambliss284 I agree completely! Memories might show a bit like it is checking to see how you are able to deal with that memory. If not well it goes back into hiding so you can deal with your life.

[@Stillpril]

I don't want to remember. I am scared. The emotional flashbacks are disturbing and terrifying.

[@justjoei]

❤️❤️❤️

[@rubytuesday7653]

🌿💛🙂💛🌿

[@fogweaver5633]

The more I comprehend, the fewer flashbacks I have. I don't remember the worst trauma at all; it happened when I was a toddler. But I've figured out what happened and why my "mother" might act that way, from things I do know and from bodily cues. Trauma is written in the body. Just getting a grip on the sequence of events and HER trauma has helped me move on. I hope you can too. The only person you have to forgive is yourself, for being small, for not being able to defend yourself, etc. You may find some wild things on that list; there were on mine.

[@okay5488]

❤️ so much love to you

[@monkeymcfly6065]

Take it day by day and write down what you remember in a journal. It may be painful but it will help you heal. I am so sorry you are going through this, but most of the people here can relate. Have a beautiful day!

[@chickytheawesome4960]

With the pieces I have put together, I'm just fine with not knowing what my brain has blocked. I used to feel like I needed validation that the abuse happened but now my issues are validation enough. These videos are helping me understand why I do the things I do, why I feel the things I feel and why I accept the things I accept. This helps me figure out where to go from here. ❤

[@WhytePip]

❤ same ❤ vague memories ❤ my PTSD is real

[@sunblest]

Just wanted to let you know that this helped me realise a lot with my healing process too. Thank you for being part of my support network :) All the best ❤

[@chickytheawesome4960]

@@sunblest ❤️💕❤️ sending hugs your way.

[@cbahm]

What does it tend to indicate if you remember your childhood as lonely, bleak, and chaotic, but your cousins sneer and say, “You were spoiled rotten” when you try to talk about how stressful it was and how much *they* love your mother?

[@ourtravelingzoo3740]

They only know what they see. Parents are good at hiding their horrible sides

[@rubytuesday7653]

Don't let them bother you, they didn't live yr life.....🌹🙂🌹

[@m.maclellan7147]

You might have had "things" but kids want/need/deserve love !

[@Peaceinmytime]

It could mean that you were portayed as that to them by your family members. This is an unpleasant part of our reality- what our family says about us behind iur backs. Abusers will trash the reputations of those they abuse, but they don’t define who you are, and they aren’t the authority on your childhood.

[@rinakellogg8208]

Narcissist are very good at making things look great and being monsters behind closed doors when no one is around. Or they play games and manipulate & if you were the scapegoat then you suffered and no one noticed or it was justified with “she’s a spoiled brat that’s her problem” when really you were suffering. Hugs. It’s maddening to have everyone think your parents were wonderful and you were the problem (I know this first hand). It’s a giant mind fuck. Be strong and trust your truth, know your worth and with time it gets better.

[@Ethereal_Moonlight]

It hurts sometimes to be honest, not remembering entire chunks of my childhood for seemingly no reason at all.

[@shanicebarrientos5678]

I turned 28 this past January. Ive always struggled a lot emotionally even tho most of my physical needs were met by my mother who was my main parent, since my dad and her separated when i was really young. I love my mom so much and she means the world to me. Sometimes i feel guilty or like im just a bad person because i constantly think about the things that made my childhood hard, like i constantly think about how sometimes my mom was really moody, sometimes she would come home after work, and shed ask me stuff like “so what did you do here all day ?” That was always so confusing because i was only a teenager in high-school, so i really dont know what answer i was supposed to give her. Like, idk mom, i went to school and now im home just existing. But it always seemed like she would want me to just do more and more stuff around the house. She was my main parent and my dad is someone that gave me $70 dollars worth of child support my whole life until i turned 21. So i know that things were hard for her, and i also have a sister, so my mom was always providing for the both of us. My sisters dad was also not in the picture same as mine, so i understand those times were really hard for her. But those times in my life still traumatized me a lot. I feel guilty when i even complain about these things because my mom did what she could for me and my sister… so i must be a horrible person for not being able to just continue on with my life and let these thoughts go… I constantly struggle with those thoughts, thoughts about my childhood. I feel a lot of pain and depression when i think about these times in my life. Again, i love my mother so much, i never want to bash her or talk badly about her. Growing up i was always what i considered “different” from all the other kids. I could just easily feel it. I was like part of the group, but if i were to leave, no one would’ve cared type of thing. Once i turned at least 25 i realized that i actually have ADHD and that makes a lot of things way more clear for me. It makes everything make sense now. I grew up with it and it was never treated, i would always struggle a lot in school with certain classes, like math for example. I remember having intense panic and anxiety attacks right before math class. My body would get filled with horror because it was just so hard for me to understand anything tbh. When i recently told my mom about my adhd, im 28 now, she basically told me that im fine and that if i wouldve had ADHD teachers wouldve let her know and stuff like that. I went to public school in Puerto Rico, and tbh most teachers are not trained to know how to spot those types of problems in students, and also, a lot of people with ADHD learn how to mask stuff really well, so most people think we are fine, when in reality, we have an intense battle with our own thoughts. I come from a religious family, so for me it feels like my mom just doesn’t want to accept that us being religious i would still struggle with these type of issues. Its like denial in a way. But again. I love my mom and i wouldn’t be where i am today without her sacrifices in life. With my dad, things are crazy, i feel like essentially we are strangers to each other. It hurts me to know that he essentially knows nothing about me, unlike my mom. She wasnt perfect, but she was there for me and knows basic stuff about me. Like my favorite color or what type of things i like to eat. Sometimes my dad doesn’t even know how to write my name or how old i am. I am his only child. He doesnt know my favorite color, or the things that i like, i feel like i really cant have the type of conversations i wish i could have with him. When i turned 28 i broke down and i called him and told him about how i felt abandoned by him in a lot of ways. Emotionally, physically and monetarily. Just feel abandoned by him with everything in my life. When i told him this, which btw it essentially took me 28 years to just build up the courage to tell him… he told me : “ are you still thinking about those things, you are a grown up now” That really messed me up so bad. Im sure hes not aware of the way he makes me feel at all. But its w.e. because im a grown up, i was never daddys girl nor i ever will be. I’ll be ok i guess. Obviously i have a lot of issues as you can see. Watching this video felt like therapy and it just woke up so many memories inside my head. I think if i were to go to therapy, i would be a happier and less depressed person. The emotions i always feel the most are sadness, depression, anxiety and stress and fear. Thank you for this video. And to all struggling in some way or another, you are not alone. ❤

[@keelie300]

For me the trauma is a combination of specific events and an overarching oppressive atmosphere. Trying to reconnect to my story has been difficult but necessary to process everything.

[@_iyakin]

'an overarching oppressive atmosphere' is such a specific yet open description. thank you

[@ishastrega6851]

I identify with "Jason Bourne" who felt bad that he couldn't remember his past but then felt worse when he actually did remember. As a therapist once said, "you only need to remember enough to feel and function better."

[@beeedifferent]

Thank you for this free type of therapy. I am really starting to understand why life has not been good to me. Why I've gone from closing myself off as a child playing with legos in my own room as a way to cope with a chaotic/ agressor + codependent / ships in the night kind of family, as you describe it perfectly in your family types video. Why I'm still struggling with substance abuse. This video hit home quite accurately, with the first example genogram being pretty much the household I grew up in. I've had therapy and that really worked, but I found out how long the journey to self healing will be, if I have to completely get over this part of my life. I've stopped abusing cannabis and that really helped this process to move forward, but I'm still struggling with alcohol abuse, tiredness, motivation and anxiety. But I feel like I'm slowly getting there. I don't have money for more therapy, so I will have to go on this path alone, but I've finally started writing a book today, to overcome a more recent traumatic experience in my life (loss of my (ex)-girlfriend after she had a psychosis and we broke up). If I hadn't stumbled upon your videos last night, I propably would have gone on with my life without finding a way to give it a place for a longer period of time. I don't know whether you are even gonna read this. If you do, thank you for being there from the bottom of my heart. And if other people will read this story, hang in there! We all have our baggage, but to slowly clean it up, fold our clothes and look what's actually in the suitcase, we may be able to overcome this, to throw away our unwanted baggage and leave some space for the rest. Much love to everyone here ❤️

[@daniellewatson8352]

Your comment really touched me.🕊

[@dawnf.2182]

🧡🙏🧡

[@immortalscapegoat6548]

Thank you! This is profound.I forgot my teenage trauma. About 10 years except a few severe things. Like being spanked at 17 years old. My twin remembers. We were taken by cps, foster care, adopted, adoptive parents died, adopted by narcissists (,I know now), put into a cult, sister kicked out for confronting problems, abuser kicked me out of my inherited home, ran away from cult and got married to my amazing husband and moved 1000 miles away. Realized guardian was stealing our inheritance and screwed us over royally on top of abuse. I still gaslight myself because I don't remember. Like she wasn't that bad.

[@sierraanne2280]

I've had a huge emotional trigger toward not being believed for the majority of my life. I didn't even fully believe myself and actually realize all that happened until a year ago. One moment I did have clarity I was in the mental hospital as a 13 year old and I would yell at the nurses saying I wanted to leave, then my parents were going to visit and I started balling in front of the nurse getting me saying there was abuse going on. She actually laughed and said that kids who were really getting abused wouldn't want to go home. Ok that just triggered two more memories (gotta love the way memory works): 1) one time I was pretty fucked up and it was very physically obvious (bleeding head, ruined shirt, etc.), and I also slightly fought back. My family called the cops on me after I ran away and the cops gave my parents tips on how to "discipline" a "rebellious" child. and 3) i'm p sure the first time I told someone something I was in preschool and told my teacher I was scared I was born without a brain, because my parent told me I was. She kept saying, "no I'm sure they were just saying what were they thinking?" and I kept trying to tell her how bad it was, and that they were beating me with a broom saying I was born without a brain so I couldn't think etc. She didn't believe me and told the parent.

[@sierraanne2280]

Oh and another one telling my aunts and they said no they love you

[@Sonjaczek]

This is just so bad... I'm sorry you went through that 😢

[@boopdoop2251]

Wow. I was never abused, but so much is finally making sense. There’s so much I don’t remember and I think what you said about being overwhelmed definitely applies to me. My mom overshared her feelings and overly relied on me emotionally, and my feelings got squashed and when I went through things she couldn’t handle it so I was on my own emotionally much of the time. I still can’t talk about it with family - they can’t handle it.

[@rebeccamartin2399]

I also had a mother who depended on me emotionally. When I look at her life, she was a wreck. I guess we really depended on eachother emotionally to survive a nasty divorce where my father who was messed up by war decided I was better off with him even though he had no idea who I even was. Thank You for sharing, I helped me understand my situation a little bit better.

[@mapunaGreene]

I really appreciate how well this fits with your general approach to trauma--that what matters aren't the specific traumatic events or "degree" of trauma, but what traumatic beliefs our childhoods taught us. I've never felt like there were important things I couldn't remember, and that used to make me feel like 'clearly, then, I didn't experience trauma and I should be coping better.' It was a very helpful moment for me when a therapist pointed out that the negative core beliefs I already had as a six year old and the ways I responded to situations throughout my childhood were based on what I had learned from my family system, even if the lessons were taught subtly over accumulated experiences rather than in some huge, repressed event. Looking at my family system now, I can still see why I would've picked up the beliefs and behaviors that I did, and that has really helped me realize problems in my perception, even though there aren't problems in my memory.

[@Tenebracas]

Thank you for this comment, it resonated a lot with me.

[@gn6379]

You are such a gifted therapist Patrick! You have a calm, empathetic aura and discuss difficult subjects in a non-threatening way. Thank you

[@how_I_see_the_world]

My problem is that "forgetting" has become my coping mechanism, and it is still very active to this day. If I am not in touch with a concept, I completely forget it and only a feeling remains. It is affecting my performance at work, school, personal relationships,etc. I thought I just have a "bad memory" but after my father passed away, I started remembering things that I didn't even know happened to me before! And I realized it is not about having a "bad memory", it is more like a coping mechanism...

[@hilsbroorjlch3259]

It’s nice to know why I “had that feeling” sometimes. Certain situations or places have always given me the creeps. I also have had extremely strong emotions around certain smells and sounds that I could never explain. I really appreciate you making these videos.

[@thescapegoatclub]

I want to remember more so that I can validate the ‘diagnosis’ that I suffered childhood abuse. Seems stupid because I’m still being abused by them, but they did such a good job blaming me for everything and maintaining a charade of being great parents that I’m struggling to change my inner dialogue. It’s so good to hear that I don’t need to remember. I’m so sick of giving them my mental energy, I just want to move on. Thank you for the video.

[@HavianEla]

I’m a CSA survivor, thankfully with AMAZING parents, but I have zero recollection of the actual SA. The lead up to it I can remember as if it were yesterday when it’s been twenty years, it’s like watching the memory as a horror movie on a giant screen in an empty theatre. The aftermath is very blurry, and the red and blue lights from the cop cars stick out starkly. I met another survivor of CSA who likewise had repressed memories for quite some time before something triggered the memories while she was in college and she was overwhelmed by the trauma she didn’t even know that she had been through. It caused her to have a mental breakdown and drop out of college. I’d always wrestled with the idea of whether I needed to try and “unlock” those memories, and asked for her opinion. I really, really valued her input. In basic terms, she answered that the brain represses traumatic experiences to help us cope, and it wasn’t worth the horror and pain that slicing into that old wound would produce.

[@losopalos9943]

Thank you for this. When I left home as a teen my most traumatic memories were compartmentalized and not consciously accessibly, but I had intense ptsd, dissociation, and a constant sense that I did not have a self/that there was something horribly horribly wrong I had to hide and repress at all costs. I had no friends through high school and would refuse to complete writing assignments and icebreaker games because I could not answer basic questions about my life. As soon as I left home the flashbacks started getting more specific and I started gaining an awareness of what happened (my father sexually abused and trafficked me for years). But when I tried to find information about what I was experiencing, all I found was the research debunking repressed memory. It was all conducted when people started realizing that now-discredited therapy methods were implanting false memories of abuse. I could find literally nothing in my college library that spoke to legitimate trauma-induced memory loss. I’ve been lucky in that it’s turned out my mother and brother can confirm the content of my memories- when I told them their reaction was “that explains everything,” and it was like they woke up from an enchanted state. They weren’t there for the sexual abuse itself, but their memories of everything surrounding it align with the memories that emerged for me when I left. Even though they, and several of my friends have been able to confirm my memories, that experience of only finding research that denied what I was experiencing was ever possible really compounded the gaslighting and has had lasting impact. It would have helped hugely if I had found something like this during that time, so thank you for making this available to people.

[@fleetskipper1810]

You’ve been through an incredible journey. I wish you all the best. The more I read of these comments and watch the content, it becomes clear that the mind disassociates to protect us. But those long stretches of blank memory become a problem of their own later on in life.

[@losopalos9943]

@@fleetskipper1810 thank you 💜. appreciate your kind words. Definitely the compartmentalization allowed me to have some more normal “uncontaminated” childhood experiences, which I appreciate. The dark side in my case (besides it’s effects in adulthood) is that it protected my abuser and was intentionally induced/helped along by him. I couldn’t tell on him if I couldn’t consciously remember what was wrong while in a normal stage of mind. So he used mind control techniques like calling me different names/titles to cue different behavior and states of consciousness. When my mom cleaned out my old room she found these disturbing letters he’d written to me under some of the different titles. For example one written to “Happy [my name],” that was calling this part of myself to “come back” from “Neverland” and grace everyone with her happy presence so that other people could be happy (aka so that other people couldn’t perceive something was wrong in my home and investigate that). He had advanced degrees in psychology and behavior science.

[@ashtenchambliss284]

@@losopalos9943 I have a similar childhood background. The more I remember, the more isolated I feel. Thank you for sharing, it counteracts it.

[@cianap.281]

I read your comment and was surprised the library offered *only* research 'debunking' repressed memories. The next day I happened to watch a video (linked below) in which a science-focused atheist skeptic explains that she recently learned she was wrong to have unquestioningly accepted "false memory syndrome" (FMS) as scientifically solid. She found out that FMSF, the advocacy group which created, and then raised awareness of the "syndrome" (and which has affiliated itself with Skeptic and science-based organizations) was extremely questionable (founded by parents accused of incest and psychologists supportive of paedophilia), so she took a closer look at research. This led me to wonder if your library was filled with such research as a result of this group's advocacy (they are primarily an advocacy group for parents who claim to have been falsely accused of sexual abuse). In reading further about the issue I ran across this lengthy article from 2002 which argues a strong case that FMS is an ill-concieved legal stance rather than a properly defined "syndrome" arising from scientific research and consensus. The author delves into the founding of the organization, which frankly was so fraught with dubious motives that it would make for an amazing podcast in the "true crime" vein. In stating their case the author cites plenty of research supporting the phenomenon of recovered memories of trauma, in case you're still interested in researching that the citations begin around page 17. You and other commenters here may find the article's systematic counterargument to FMS to be validating; I certainly found it interesting. "A study showed that in 1991 prior to the group's foundation, of the stories about abuse in several popular press outlets "more than 80 percent of the coverage was weighted toward stories of survivors, with recovered memory taken for granted and questionable therapy virtually ignored" but that three years later "more than 80 percent of the coverage focused on false accusations, often involving supposedly false memory" which the author of the study, Katherine Beckett, attributed to FMSF." FMSF also dedicated themselves to testifying against any and all children in sexual abuse cases, regardless of corroborating evidence (the founder alone testified as expert witness in over 400 cases) and filled their board with big names in science whose research they funded and publicized-- which in turn likely explains how you ended up in a library full of it. That is to say, it appears that the gaslight-y effect was quite possibly intentional. The FMSF disbanded last year. Sorry for the unsolicited essay, but I hope it is interesting to you! I'm linking the two most relevant sources, but they might be very triggering. video: kzbin.info/www/bejne/mIXJe5Kdmpl_itE article: www.leadershipcouncil.org/1/res/dallam/6.html

[@losopalos9943]

@@cianap.281 thank you so much for this. It is very helpful to me and I am definitely looking into those resources. I tried during/right after college to look deeper into the FMSF because I was weirded out by how ubiquitous their name was in my research about memory and abuse- seemed like they had a disproportionate amount of influence in the legal system, the media, and in psych research. At the time thought I struggled to find anything about them that was not published by FMSF/its members themselves, (or directly quoting their materials). I do remember I found a Twitter account started by I believe the founder’s daughter (or the daughter of another prominent member) who very much maintained that he abused her and that his intentions in founding the group were manipulative and dangerous. Even in a reality where the founders were totally well-intentioned and where in their particular cases leading therapy techniques really had implanted false memories, it’s hard to imagine how an organization like that could avoid becoming a haven for narcissistic abusers who want to fight for their public image and punish their victims for speaking out. Off to read those links now. Truly appreciate your taking the time to share this.

[@maggie0285]

I am 50 and don't remember any birthdays when I was little. I've had a troubled life as well. I really think my parents were so absent that I just didn't have birthdays. I tell people my life literally began at 13 when I ran away from school and ended up on a psych unit. That's where I always start with my life story. As I get older, I learn more about my family and their true personalities. It's not pretty. There's more to it than remembering. I've been so gone that I'm just learning to be present in my own thoughts and body. Learning boundaries. Being more self aware feels wonderful.

[@alynn6298]

The lack of childhood memories is like being blackout from drinking, waking up the next day knowing something horrible happened, and just wanting to fill in the blanks. I feel like I want to know what happened to help understand why I am the way I am, how much trauma I overcame. When I do remember parts, it hurts but I work through it. I understand we don't need to remember trauma to heal but it's been healing and liberating for me to remember.

[@k.c.forden4150]

I appreciate this video Patrick! I had a therapist want to dig up these old memories (unsuccessfully), and my next psychologist was much more like you. She said if my brain buried them, it did it to survive, and there is no logic in traumatizing myself a second time. So I’ve largely learned to let them go and have accepted that my end result as a highly resilient, functioning adult is enough.

[@ASA-bl3hw]

Am sure they will have to be really careful around regression and going back .

[@lorib6509]

Thank you so much for this! I am 57 with no childhood memory and spotty after age 12. I know my triggers, but have been stuck understanding their purpose! I push people away and over the last five years this has escalated and I now have no relationships. All ended, Mother, Brother, son, daughter, lifetime best friend, All gone, ended. This defense mechanism has been beyond my control and I have been trying so hard to figure out why I push people away so I can stop doing it! Thank you Patrick for a helpful video and one that gives me hope!

[@monkeymcfly6065]

I do this too! I still have my daughter and childhood best friend, but I push people away and hide from the world. I am slowly working on making friends again, but it can be terrifying at times. All I had growing up was my abusive and mentally ill mother and it really distroyed my ability to trust. Here's to people like us healing enough to make a healthy community for ourselves. Have a beautiful day hon!

[@SusanAnderson-cp1ze]

used to have eiditic memory until age 32 when became amnesiac. 4 years i had no comprehension of anything. had knowledge but didn't understand it. i had at various times before those 4 yrs to get therapy, but was never taken seriously and or they took my mother's side. even attended a clinic the 1st 2 yrs of that time. since i regained my comprehension i've mostly delt with emotions. until my family left me to my 'own devices'. i then had bouts of depression, times in hospitals with no true diagnosis, etc. i still mostly deal with emotions tho memories from childhood will pop up at odd times. it's very frustrating when you have emotion, yet nothing to connect it to. have been in a very good mental health service for last 9 yrs, but only started dealing with my lifelong trauma 3 yrs. i have gotten a lot of clarity from your videos, that has helped me comprehend childhood.

[@curryscreech667]

Y'know, sometimes I just space out and then *bam* a memory plays out and it makes me freeze up. This happened when I was doin laundry and a memory came up, it kind of reenacted, almost like it was real. I didn't cry, I was like "Damn, that really happened". Then I kept doing laundry.

[@jenni4claire]

A flashback. I used to get those, slivers of time, out of nowhere.

[@ourtravelingzoo3740]

@@jenni4claire it’s like time travel. You can see and smell and hear things as if the event were taking place right then. I’ve been successful in putting the adult me into the scene to help the child me

[@fleetskipper1810]

Yep, definitely a flashback. More than a memory because it is though you ate right back there, living out the scene at the same age you were when the scene actually occurred. I think there’s another names for these kinds of memories, like primary memories or something similar. They seem to be linked to traumatic events in a person’s life. That’s why they replay so vividly in your head later.

[@Skitdora2010]

I have had flashbacks in public where people ask me if I am okay and I am just terrified of what I am doing or the faces I am making because I was sexually abused as a child and also had a customer at a sales job attack me and try to strangle me when I kept refusing to date him. I can either have a sexual based flashback or a violent one where I find I can't breathe. I hate to think of what I look like when I have them. I had the sexual flashback in front of two police officers when I was reporting a hit and run. I used to have the strangling ones in front of coworkers and used to really freak them out.

[@patchouliodonovan9529]

This happens to me and and I always visualize the 'memory fragment unlocked' feature from the asassin's creed games lol. It wasn't until I got older and started to learn more about this stuff that I realized these were flashbacks being triggered, i just thought it was normal, especially as often the unlocked memory still seemed harmless as I recalled it. But I would feel uncomfortable despite the seemingly harmless or pleasant recollection. After a recent traumatic experience, it started to occur more often, frequently I'll recall another random piece of the same time period that I've been able to recall for ages without issue and be like, huh weird, why am I only remember this new piece now? I also started having anxiety attacks randomly for the first time and then realised after experiencing that, I've actually had anxiety for ages, I've just never had an attack, that weird feeling like I'm standing on the edge of tall building I get? Not normal, it's ANXIETY BEING TRIGGERED DUMMY. Lol. Then one day it was a full blown memory unlocked, anxiety attack, adrenaline pumping wtf is going on and finally the not pleasant memory that brought context to some of those little fragments in some way and I was like ooooooooohhhhhhhhh ohhhh oh right, all of this random unconnected shit has been ptsd the entire timeeeeee, coool cool c-c-coooooolll. I don't know if anyone reading this is a fan of Star Trek Discovery, but that first proper full flashback, afterwards when I was trying to describe it, my best comparison was I felt like Saru when his threat ganglia activate. Crazy stuff.

[@winonadavies3683]

Therapist here. (Also survivor of toxic abusive family). It's amazing to me and often clients when I catch connections between present stuff and family history. I haven't used genograms but will start became I totally see how useful it would be in making those connections. Thanks for these videos; very helpful both personally and professionally.

[@Liam-jj7po]

it makes me feel sad when people tell childhood stories because I can't join in. I can barely even remember anything anyway and I hate trying because all the bad memories come flooding back.

[@keyhunt5805]

This is how I feel too

[@hannavalenta6717]

Yes, we appreciate you so much! What you do and what you share is so valuable and insightful. I think you have saved many individuals' lives with your content. Please know that we love you and appreciate you and your work so much! Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

[@alonzomosley7]

If you grew up in an unhappy childhood, it can be confronting.I was deeply unhappy in a narcissistic family and suffered from deep anxiety.My memories are becoming stronger and my mother is finally being revealed as an absent mother, who treated her children poorly.

[@penyarol83]

I am also realizing how narcissistic and emotionally out-of-touch and absent my family was/is. I don’t think they have any idea how damaged they are or have any concept of emotional healing or what healthy family/social interactions really are. I was always so confused & felt so blamed for being shy, anxious, depressive & unhappy. I have an inner voice berating myself all the time for not being able to fix the problems in my life - some voice I absorbed in my childhood says if I was really doing what I was supposed to do & working as hard as I need to work, I would be able to solve my issues. It’s because I’m lazy and bad that I feel so helpless and stuck. If only that wasn’t the constant message from our society in general too... No empathy & support, just lectures & blaming.

[@alonzomosley7]

@@penyarol83 Most people have no understanding of growing up in a family like ours. They imply you are ungrateful and embittered about your family and get over it .I would visit so called normal families and return home and scratch my head.I personally think you carry the burden the rest of your life.

[@fleetskipper1810]

Not only do people not understand growing up in a terrible family, I suspect they don’t really want to. They may have a gut feeling that something is wrong, but that’s the end of it. They are not going to pursue it further. It’s “none of their business.” There must be some better way for society to intervene when kids are getting the worst of this.

[@nonnidreams]

Thanks! Really appreciate this video, especially. Very healing to understand that one doesn’t have to remember details. I remember examples in planted memories. When a therapist was too detail focused. Wanting to have a patient remember specifically, the cause of the trauma, like only one situation is the whole reason. It happened from lay people, too, thinking, so this, fill in the blank, happened to you. The problem with that is minimizing the trauma. That is built over many thousand of paper cuts. It builds emotionally unhealthy coping mechanisms that end up becoming addictions. To anyone or anything. The focus should always be healing, acknowledging what was and refocusing always back to the healing, but in due time, not quick fixing. Forgiveness. Letting go of past trauma. Focusing always back on healing. What does it mean, what does it look like. How to have healthy boundaries, set, reset, and adjust. The boundary of minimal to strongest no contact. Room for a bridge to be built if specific requirements are met. Some people prefer, absolutely never again, due to choosing not to forgive and feeling no need to do that, at all. For their own mental and emotional health. Especially, if after many years, the parents and a few to all the siblings won’t stop doing the toxic dumping. I prefer never to give up hope. Minimal contact. With other relationships it was always easy to know if I wanted to or not. Sadly, the one best friendship I wanted to eventually rebuild, she passed away from cancer. I like his final affirmations at the end, been well, having peace, filled with joy, he worded it differently, this is my shorter summary take on them. For me, in Christ. 💖✝️📖🕊💖

[@juliearcand2358]

This is fascinating because I was in therapy for 25 years without ever being able to "speak" about the years of sexual abuse. Then, later i realized I didn't even remember being at a high school graduate friends wedding. Like I was there buttoning up her dress and absolutely no memory. But I do have a good concept of the family dynamic. Thank you

[@ourtravelingzoo3740]

We appreciate you Patrick!

[@Bruvva_initiate]

We really do.

[@wuijck]

So much!

[@TheSapphireSprit]

I was abandoned at 1 month old, adopted by highly abusive parents at 3 and a half years old and went back into foster care when I was 15. I don’t remember most of my childhood but still know the overarching themes and some terribly suspicious things that happened. I remember instances of sa with both my father and adopted brother, who was 6 years older, physical abuse and the absolute worst emotional trauma. Unfortunately when I was younger insurance didn’t cover mental health so I didn’t start to get help until about 5 years ago. My advice to younger people PLEASE get the help you need. Both you and your nuclear family are worth it!

[@Pntngbrn]

I was about 29 driving in the car with my infant son. I took a wrong turn and realized I was headed in the wrong direction. I hadn't gone too far and could turn around but i freaked completely out about maybe getting lost. I pulled over to the side of the road with a panic attack. It came flooding back to me that at 10 yrs old I have gotten lost while we were living with my uncle. I was missing for only about 3 hrs but it was incredibly traumatizing, and I don't even know how or when I suppressed that. I had completely forgotten it. After that I have carried an enormous fear of getting lost. It has affected me ever since.

[@PureAblution]

I’ve been somewhat obsessing about remembering a “smoking gun” in my childhood. Boy did I need to hear this! My therapist has told me as much but it didn’t quite click until I heard it the way it was explained here. Thank you!

[@AschFish]

This is so crazy! When I was 29, two years ago, there was a big, traumatic family incident and my parents both had to start therapy and I continued with mine but had to be advised through the incident with extra sessions and it turns out I was abused as a child. I had/have very few memories of my childhood but in all honesty I just assumed for 29 years of my life that EVERYONE was afraid of their dads. I literally thought people who said they liked their dad were lying to put on a good face. Love the video and I learned even more information on this subject that we are still working through in my therapy sessions.

[@themaxterz0169]

@@muffinchubby2352 what was the reasoning if you dont mind me asking?

[@DaveGrean]

I spent my childhood wondering why parents in movies were always so nice and understanding to their children. It always made me laugh; I viewed it as a silly absurd cliché just like the cars that explode when damaged, that went completely counter to reality. Especially the movies in which children run away or disappear, usually to end up in a fantasy world and have some adventure, then they get back and the parents who were super worried act all happy that their child has returned, and hug them sweetly, instead of shouting angrily, hitting and punishing them. Neither did I understand why they showed children confiding in their parents. As if parents were friends, rather than enemies children were forced to tolerate until they were old enough to leave. I always found it hilarious how obviously absurd and nonsensical all that stuff was. It was only until my teens that I started to realise the actual reason why the movies showed things like that.

[@Lin_Eileen]

@@DaveGrean I was similar in thinking how odd it was to see parents react so positively but with my parents it was usually indifference I left home for almost a week causse I couldn't handle the stress anymore i just crashed at friends' houses the whole time and when I got back it wasn't much of a reaction like I had been missed. I did get some texts from my father but nothing that urgent like I was honestly expecting a WHERE ARE YOU but no. When I was younger sometimes it would be hitting or some other form of punishment like being locked in a dark place but as I got older i developed a grim demeanor cause of my depression, started getting into physical fights at school and being more angry in general and I think it scared my parents away from being physically abusive to us they instead turned to just emotionally abusing me in narcissistic ways. My Dad loved to make me feel stupid in front of my friends, my Mom was very emotionally unstable and would lash out at me and my siblings a lot in baffling ways which scarred us all early on my first day of high school was completely destroyed by her completely annihilating my self esteeem in front of my friends for being maybe 10 minutes late coming out of school. I have autism, adhd & tourettes... I was actually socializing with a few friends i had made and having fun and i lost track of time that's all but she had this absolute freak out on me saying how irresponsible and stupid I am for not thinking about my sisters needing to be picked up from school too and now we are late... this was so embarrassing I still to this day regret saying my Mom could give my friends a ride home I was just trying to be nice I wasn't even that late she was late picking us up from school all the time I remember waiting in the front foyer of my elementary school for her to get me one time for almost an hour my Mom has issues from a very traumatic childhood I understand it's not easy for her I have such warm memories of us bonding over movies and books but also the worst memories of her physically abusing me as a child and berating me for the most little things, forcing her beliefs on me, making me feel bad abt myself etc. it makes it so hard cause of conflicting feelings I really do love my Mom and my Dad still I didn't try to argue cause i was sscared of her I said I was sorry but she just kept going on and on yelling I was doing everyting I could to hold back the tears eventually it became so quiet and awkward for the ride home and I thought it was over but nooo she continued going at me when we got home and my sisters just went to their rooms and hid as we argued I finally started to yell back cause I couldn't take it anymore after she threatened to take a bunch of my things away for me being so disobedient to feel powerful ofc then she said she just had to leave for a while and left me and my sisters alone traumatized and wondering wtf just happened... despite all my family trauma I'm still working to repair my relationship with my parents I don't know if I will be able to with my siblings because they are so dissociated from their abuse i think because they are younger than me. The awful irony of this is my Mom went through a similar thing... she was the oldest child of an abusive household so she saw more of the awful traumatic things than her younger siblings did cause at a young age she was taken in by her grandparents who were able to raise her in a more stable environment (but not without it's issues) for me though I haven't yet been able to escape my abusive household I've been trying for years but being neurodivergent makes existing in this world hard 😭 everyone doubts me and thinks im weird

[@jhlongstreth]

As someone who has major holes in my childhood memories due to trauma, thank you for this video ❤

[@jeansroses7249]

I felt that I was shown that I had been ritually abused in my childhood-probably by my local catholic priest, so I wanted my therapist to help me uncover memories of that. Instead, she is helping me to realize how I manage my life and relationships, and helping me get in touch with my feelings and to allow myself to express them. This video was helpful to me, I probably don't need to get in touch with all the horror that was done to me, but rather, learn how to make elegant choices for myself.

[@asktitihealing1031]

This video came up in my feed. I swear source energy KNOWS what we need when we need it. I have blocked out so much from my childhood and early adulthood but thought it was just me! Thank you for what you are doing to help heal the world. ❤

[@helenkeller7127]

I realized I had an issue when I figured out that most of my childhood “memories” were actually just dreams I had as a kid that I remembered. And that I don’t actually remember much of any actual events that took place in my childhood.

[@dixonhill1108]

Odd you say that, all I remember is toys and tv shows.

[@rebeccahahn6172]

Thanks for this video! I find myself second-guessing my perceptions of my childhood and falling into the "I'm just being dramatic, so-and-so had it way worse!" as I settle into a new state of No Contact with my parents.

[@justinadams5446]

I'm 13 and a half minutes in and he's listed of all these super insightful probing questions he'd be asking and then I hear him say "that's what I'd be thinking IN AN INTAKE" (my emphasis). I've been through 5 therapists, several months with each and NONE of them got as far as this guy gets IN THE INTAKE. Why is it so hard to find good therapists? Why are the good ones only on youtube?

[@fatherburning358]

Frustrating. I see the online and the in life as all small parts contributing to myself being able to lead my own path to healing. I was very fortunate to work with a therapist who offered active listening and then a well thought out question for me to take away and gain insight. He always wanted me to discover my own answers. Just sharing friend 🤍🙏

[@l.b.1952]

This remembers me on my brother. Everytime I tell him stuff happened when we were kids he is "forgotten" it our can't remember. All he has to say is: really? Did that happen that way, I cant remember. But he is 3 years old than me, so he should even know better. He pushed it aside and still is adoring our father, not remembering all the bad times we had when Dad was drunk. So frustrating

[@blowitoutyourcunt7675]

My brother is only 16 months younger than me but out childhood experiences are sooooo different despite having the same parents, sharing the same house etc etc. He had a traumatic brain injury at 7yrs old (car accident) and doesn't remember much of our childhood together, I think he's lucky - he was the golden child who was pet/coddled and has a far easier temperament than I do, so in a lot of ways he lucked out. I leave him to it cuz none of it was his fault and he's a great human being despite being raised by the 2 nutters we call parents. All I can ask of him is to respect that our childhood's although shared were wildly divergent from each other. Cheers

[@charlotteriddle7303]

Wow this is exactly my brother. Our father is dead now and he revers our father because he can't remember the trauma

[@er6730]

My father and I both do that. I think it's partly personality, like a preference to see the good, so I focus on that at the time and that's what I end up remembering, too. Even tiny things, like my sister remembers that it rained on the family camping trip, and I don't. I remember that I had a really hard time deciding what to buy in the souvenir shop. I think it's a protective mechanism that, when it's too strong, makes us blind to reality. My dad's memories of his father are of being wise and clever. My uncle remembers him smashing his guitar as a punishment. When I listen to different brothers, I get a very different picture of who my grandfather was.

[@thirty_ish2890]

Wow, really glad I found this video. I’m in my early 30s now and have almost no memories of my childhood. The memories I do have are mostly of the chaos, dysfunction and abuse and of me desperately trying to disassociate in my room through books, music, or video games. Because I wasn’t the one being directly abused I received a lot of resentment from my mom and older sister. They swear my childhood was perfect and that I was so spoiled but the truth is my trauma trunk is filled to bursting. Chasing those memories is like chasing a tornado, best to keep some distance. Plus, my family is still dysfunctional AF so I’ve got enough to deal with in the present. I’m the only one that believes in therapy. I REFUSE to pass this shit on to my own future children.

[@FullTimePatient37]

This hits hard 😞 a terminally ill mum and an abusive neglectful dad.. and i needed people to tell me what was my childhood like..

[@sallyomae9262]

You mentioned something very insightful for me: missing concrete memories due to lack of connectivity in the family. I believe this is my case. Anything before 8 is blotchy. If I do remember moments in my early childhood, they are moments where I was very anxious. This makes so much sense, especially because I have a pretty decent memory. I joined a local ACA meeting per advise from a previous video of yours. It’s changing my life. I didn’t know things were as bad as I’m learning. They seem to be getting uglier, but I believe it’s because this must happen before they get better. Thanks a bunch. I’m really grateful for your channel.

[@monkeymcfly6065]

What is ACA meetings? Are they national?

[@arich20]

ACA could it be Adult Children of Alcoholics? That was a big deal for me.

[@monkeymcfly6065]

@@arich20 are they national?

[@faz-girlentertainment1983]

I have issues with memory gaps too. I'll remember the most random off-the-wall stuff, but I have difficulty pin-pointing exact moments. There was no physical or sexual abuse growing up, but I think a lot of it had to do with parents being there without being "there," like being emotionally distant. My mom fixated on my looks especially. I've struggled with my weight most of my life, and she was constantly nagging me about it, especially as I got older. My dad, on the other hand, grew up and wasn't taught anything, so he had to figure out a lot of things on his own. For some reason, with his kids, he decided that that was the best way to parent: "I had to learn on my own, so you have to figure it out. That's just life." To this day my brother and I both have difficulty connecting with our parents. Our sister, not so much. She married young and got away from it all. My brother and I had to really learn how to adult and survive on our own with what we picked up from other people. If we tried/try asking our parents for help, usually Mom washes her hands of the situation and doesn't want to get involved, and then Dad belittles us for not knowing how to do things. My dad also likes to shift blame on other people/events rather than take responsibility for it. For instance, a few years ago, my mom asked me out of the blue one day if I felt like I had been abandoned by them (which was more or less true), but I also included my twin sister moving away as part of feeling abandoned. My dad's immediate response was "So you don't feel abandoned by us, then. You feel abandoned by your sister." My brother and I are emotionally detached from our parents, and they both wonder why we don't want to talk to them. Even writing all of this, this little voice in the back of my head is saying "This is too much. You're trauma dumping on people, and no one likes that. Just shut it." More recently I've also found it difficult to allow myself to be okay with needing therapy. Because there was no sexual or physical abuse, I don't feel like I "deserve" therapy. Like my trauma isn't "bad enough" for therapy. This is made even more evident recently because I've lived with a roommate who was physically abused growing up, and even though [they] tell me "Just because I went through [this situation] and you didn't, that doesn't mean that you didn't experience trauma too. If something is traumatic for you, then it's considered trauma," [they] will turn right back around when I've had a strained conversation with my parents and say "That's not trauma. That's just a negative experience." All 3 of us kids have recently sat down and tried talking things through with our parents. We each wrote them an email explaining some things and just talking through our childhood. For the most part, it did help, but it didn't fix the emotional distancing. My parents gave us some money as a gift for a trip my brother and I went on together recently, and my brother commented to me later, "I feel guilty for not wanting to talk to them because they gave us all that money, but at the same time, I'd rather have the emotional support without the follow-up guilt." I told him that I felt the same way, but that the way I was handling it was that even though I appreciate the money, my mental health is more important than making them happy. If they want to be immature about me not wanting to talk to them, then that's their problem. I'm sure there are better ways of handling the situation, but right now with the limited finances that I have where I can't afford therapy, this is the best I've got. Sorry for trauma dumping. Lmao it's just I don't have anyone I can really talk to about this (other than my brother) who doesn't have pre-conceived ideas about my parents or my childhood, and I just needed to get some things off my chest.

[@susandelaney858]

Amazingly helpful. The questions made me gasp and will lead to powerful journaling for sure. I did conclude some time ago, consciously at least, that my symptoms prove the CPTSD, memories not required. However it still bugs me and I seem to still be stuck with the fear that family members don't get it, dying believe me, dismiss me and see the lack of memory as some kind of evidence that I'm just full of it, and my experience was fine. It leads to a lot of 2nd guessing. At 65 I'm very alone and scared.

[@KarunaSatoriASMR]

Thank you, so much.

[@teejay4903]

Yes, but also, Thank you for your Asmr 😉😘 last year I had panic attacks and you talked me out of them for real 😘😘😘 So Again, THANK YOU sweet girl 💜

[@kirbysthiccthighs]

aaaaa hi mom💜 love your channel so much

[@Sofritho]

Mom ❤️

[@blueflury]

Omg I love you

[@tripodologia]

Thanks for making this video. I have struggled with this because the trauma I (and part of my family) endured happened when I was 0-4 and I only know about it because I've been told. To me, my life kind of started when I was about 7 and I almost have no memories until much later when I was already in school. The thing is that sometimes, you can know about something traumatic having happened and *still* not register it as a trauma. I never had any counselling or therapy as a child (no one on my family did) even though what happened was quite severe. I went through my childhood, teens, and 20s with panic attacks, an eating disorder, and depression and still did not connect any of this with what happened. It hasn't been until my 30s that it finally dawned on me, and suddenly a lot of my life struggles made sense. But, I still do not have memories of most of my childhood (and no memory of the trauma itself) and struggle a lot with amnesia in my daily living and throughout my life. What seems to be important, though, is that the body (and the nervous system) does remember even if there are no visual memories attached to it.

[@penyarol83]

Absolutely. Alice Miller talked about this a lot, about how the body remembers. Reading her books finally allowed me to connect with my feelings again (after first going thru a whole lot of rage & grief) and with that, bits & pieces of memories & feelings from childhood started coming back to me/filling in & falling in place again. I went through a period of dreaming a lot, mostly about family, & journaling (I’m usually not a big journaler). I can’t really afford therapy so that was soooo helpful for me - I had been stuck in a very, very hard, desperate place for years before that but Alice Miller’s books really helped me process & move forward a significant amount. I felt that she has an amazing way of speaking to the real nature of childhood abuse & repression - and how children often get blamed, not just by their families but in the larger society as well. Very validating.

[@rubytuesday7653]

@@penyarol83 🌾🌹🌾Alice Miller🙂

[@raalbrecht]

I feel like I’m in a similar position. Is there any one of her books in particular that helped?

[@penyarol83]

@@rubytuesday7653 she’s amazing ✨😱✨

[@penyarol83]

@@raalbrecht to be honest I read & loved every one of her 11 or 12 books... when I was finally ready for them, I read one after another & couldn’t get enough. I think I had tried to read her years ago but it didn’t really sink in. But finally I was ready for the deep emotional truths & connections she makes and reading her words was like therapy. It’s hard to say which books might resonate for different people more. The Drama of the Gifted Child is like her classic book everybody knows but it was also her first one, and I think her ideas might have branched out & gotten fuller as she went along. It might be good to start with? I don’t know. For Your Own Good is about particularly cruel or violent-type abuse like what was inflicted on Hitler & a young German drug addict & also serial killer whose childhoods she discusses in the book. Thou Shalt Not Be Aware is prob the one I’d recommend the least to start off with since it’s mostly about psychoanalysis as a field. Then she has two slim ones, The Untouched Key which looks at the childhoods of famous artists and writers, and Banished Knowledge. The Body Keeps the Score looks at physical illness as a result of repressed childhood abuse. Breaking Down the Wall of Silence is amazing. Maybe check out their tables of contents & read a few pages? They all kind of continue the same theme and it’s her same voice throughout so I think there’s a lot of helpful stuff in all of them. Basically, I don’t know if everyone at every point will resonate with her stuff, but I REALLY did, when I was ready to. I really like that she doesn’t shy away from calling out cruelty to children for what it is-many people still seem pressured to not cast parents in a bad light & to kind of gloss over their responsibility to not hurt & emotionally torture their kids. But Miller is saying-child abuse is a crime, and if we don’t want to be guilty of it, we need to do better. We need to open our eyes to what we’re currently avoiding-we need to face our own pain & our own truth, and using children or other vulnerable/innocent people (or animals-or the Earth!) as scapegoats to avoid facing & feeling it is not acceptable. There’s hardly anyone coming out and saying that-it takes a lot of courage, and clarity. She’s incredibly validating for the abused & neglected child in so many of us who constantly gets shortchanged, ignored, misled, mistreated-who so rarely gets seen for the fullness of who and how they are and what they’ve been through. Sorry this is long, hope it helps!

[@LauraCook-pl9pq]

Omg YES. I have severe memory loss and it's so frustrating. When I get a child trauma, I get so angry. I'm glad our brain blocks that because I was despised by my mother. Sabotaged and I honestly thought I had bad luck. I kept forgiving and kept around people who have really been toxic. I literally forgot. I don't do that anymore but I'm missing out on good people too. Hugs to anyone suffering from blank spots

[@sarah5448]

I explain my dissociation of the events I remember like a book I read or a movie I saw long ago. Where little bits and pieces feel familiar but that they didn't happen TO me. From what I do remember (raised in a cult, sexually abused by my brother, absent father who's also a hoarder, controlling mother, severely bullied in school, etc) I've dissociated to such a degree that I don't feel personally connected. HOWEVER, my body knows. I have chronic pain that I have spent YEARS trying to diagnose... countless specialists, testing, imaging, etc and still no answer. I've come to realize my debilitating physical pain is because of the trauma. Also, when put into conflict, even something non-threatening, my adrenaline spikes to such an intense degree that my body starts VIOLENTLY shaking to the point I look like I'm having a mini-seizure. I wish I could find a therapist to help me work thru these things.

[@ritamariekelley4077]

💓