7 Obsessive Thoughts You Might Experience - Fearful Avoidant Love | HealingFa.com

[@christina6103]

When you mentioned thoughts about same sex attraction, I can absolutely relate. It was always confusing for me also because I knew I had always been attracted to guys but for some reason being with women made me feel safer than being with men. This is most likely because my trauma was associated with a man

[@joshliam1967]

Basically my whole life I thought I was the only person who thought this way, thank you for sharing your story and for helping me to understand myself.

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Thank you for being here! You are not alone❤

[@b_bee934]

Dealing with all of these thoughts right now. One that sticks out to me the most is the anxiety vs intuition and not being able to decipher which is which. I’ve never been in a relationship with someone who’s able to communicate, listen, is understanding and patient with me until now. Yet I’m having all these fears and anxieties about not knowing if this is even right for me. I still can’t even decide if it is but it’s so helpful to watch his video and know that these thoughts and fears I’m having may have more to do with my anxiety/attachment style/fear brain than my intuition and actual relationship. Thank you so much for posting the content you do.

[@nicolesheehan1298]

GIRL! I’m BINGE watching your videos right now because I’ve never felt SO SEEN in my life!! You explain it better than anyone I’ve ever heard speak about FA, and you offer healing advice that is ACTUALLY approachable for me!! I’m so so so so so so grateful… Thank you❤❤❤

[@thephantombassoonist]

This is so relieving to hear someone who has healed from this to just talk through them. I relate to most if not all of these thoughts. Side note, I really appreciate how chill and human your videos are.

[@freedomtownn]

This was so liberating. Especially the third one about intuition; it's literally maddening. "What if I just can't see it untill it's too late". You've no idea how helpful you are. Thank you so so so much!! Love xx

[@-Emma-635]

Your videos are such a touchstone for me whenever unhealed stuff comes up. Without them there is no way I would have been able to stay in my current relationship. I cannot thank you enough for everything you do.❤

[@stephenbruce4298]

3:59 The fact that you stuck it out despite your doubts and incessant qualifying is in itself proof positive of strong feelings for your then boyfriend. I strongly suspect that’s the same for other FAs. I’ve just reached a point with a lovely woman I suspect is FA where she’s lashing out unexpectedly, but we’re also connecting more frequently. I know I can’t fix her issues, but I’m certain she appreciates my patience.

[@Littleolive73]

“You need safety in order to build love” I love that💯🙌 thank you

[@kahealyman2993]

You are a LIFE SAVER !!!!

[@riceball1232]

every single one is so on point

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Thank you!❤

[@clapsclap]

You are an angel! What a kind soul to help so many others so selflessly. I will forever me grateful for you bringing so much light into my life but also so many others. It's is souls like who heal this world. I hope all the good comes back to you triple fold. Sending you so much love.

[@nek0hatsune]

Every time I go through a healing phase, I feel really lucky when I find a creator that speaks exactly from my heart. This time around that creator is you. It's crazy to have my thoughts put so easily into words, and I'm so excited to now have such a great resource to help me put in the work. Thank you so much for the time and effort you put into making these videos. You've brought me a lot of hope

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

So happy you are here Ari!

[@blooming-qc3xh]

i found your channel very recently and i have found it to be a safe place when i am struggling. something that i have found especially helpful is rewatching your videos. as i have healed and time goes on, i have found that some of your points hit differently. its so reassuring. i have also found that i didn't relate to some point right away, but as time has gone on i find myself relating more and more. something i've noticed lately after finding such relief here is that since i need 100% certainty as an FA, i find myself convincing myself that i am an actually not an FA at all (even though i can relate to nearly everything you talk about on your channel) just in case i dont heal. you have touched on this here and there. anyway...all of this to say thank you for your vulnerability. we all appreciate it here.

[@dionisoaps5100]

Oh my God , my whole life in a video....

[@olivesish]

You have no idea how similar our experiences are, you are taking the words directly out of my thoughts. Thank you for making these videos, I have started tapping and it's already helping me.

[@jimmysroom5132]

Differentiating between the crazy fear response and the actual red flags - definitely crazy making. Looking outside at other relationships it was easy to spot but not when I was in the heat of it. So glad you shared the insane thought processes!

[@adammalay3842]

Wow this is all me! Saving it for later to watch once a week

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Did you watch it again and gained more insights? Let me know!

[@evolutionofabutterfly8544]

Your videos are so beautiful and deep. I can feel myself healing just by being validated in certain descriptions

[@jasonausmus8964]

I'm identifying with all of these so much, and am right in the middle of dealing with all of them right now. Thank you for what you're doing and for helping to give me some hope.

[@5piraldown]

i think this is the most helpful video ive ever watched genuinely thank you so much

[@jamieetheridge9034]

I really appreciate you mentioning the last one! I deal with that sometimes. I realized I didn't have those thoughts until I left a very bad relationship where we were living together. It could be my fear brain not wanting to get "stuck" with someone again.

[@HotRodHarley06]

Future catastrophic thinking is something I do allot, not just romantic relationships but decision. The what if worse case thinking keeps me second guessing or not making decisions. Thank you for the insight! 👍

[@Jahnely]

Wow, you nailed it! Every single one of my thoughts.

[@jeffhanks4897]

I love your voice. You communicate very clearly these important concepts in working to overcome scary thoughts and feelings. You are doing great work. Beautiful inside and out!

[@carlyrieter]

hey!! your videos bring me a lot of comfort and solace. I was wondering if you could talk about how to get yourself out of feeling like you don’t feel enough? I feel like I am finally in a relationship where I feel something for this person, and I’m happy most of the time, but obsessive FA thoughts still creep up on me.

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Yes, I'll put it on the list!

[@benjaminfischer7078]

I feel called out. Out of these seven, I’ve experienced most of them recently. And there definitely is a pattern. It really seems like I’m FA

[@nicolaschwim9293]

Thank you

[@candymountain6325]

Relationship OCD- I had never heard of that. Very interesting... I do have some elements of this, I’m sure. Thank you

[@googoolars]

I heard Paulien mention it before but didn't look into it.. I just did today and I am so surprised to find it resonates with what I am experiencing

[@aurorel3301]

Some intrusive thoughts that I have, a bit similar, are (only sharing to make anyone seeing this and maybe thinking the same ones feel less alone, we are in this together 💗) : "What if I lose all attraction to them when they reciprocate/tell me they love me too?" (because of my traumas, because I'm actually too scared of being in a relationship) "What if my love for them isn't as unconditional as I think it is? What if my love for them isn't genuine, or has ulterior motives I'm not aware of?" "What if my partner changes something about them (esp. physically) and I don't love them anymore? What if I don't manage to love every current and future versions of them unconditionally? " "What if I realise I am not as interested in them once we officialize our relationship?" "What if my love for them isn't real and I just think I am in love with them but deep down I am not?" (because I have traumas/insecure attachment style which could make me attracted to the wrong people) "What if I lose physical attraction to them at some point?" And some overwhelming ones are about having negative thoughts about them, judging them (in my head), like I feel so bad for having negative intrusive thoughts, or sometimes negative thoughts I really thought... for judging them, for thinking negatively about something they did or the way they look etc

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Wow Aurore, thank you so much for sharing this. I've had ALL those thoughts too, word for word. We are so not alone. Thank you again, you are amazing.

[@AlexSmith_88]

Thank you so much for this channel. It is so helpful to know that I am not crazy for thinking and feeling these things. Could you do a video on how FA attachment can manifest in platonic friendships and also at work/professional settings and how to cope? Thank you!!

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

I've put it on the list!

[@annichpannich9882]

I was thinking about that gay-one the other day. I'd never thought that someone would have the same thought as me. It feel so nice to know that. Love you and your channel so much. Hugs and kisses.

[@lisaterry9217]

Thank you for this video. I'm finding about my attachment style and I deeply want to heal from this style. It's been horrible living like this in my marriage. It's been very isolating.

[@medicinemusicmama3273]

This video was wonderful and i enjoy how deep you go even if it makes the video longer. Thank you

[@mariherron725]

Holy shit…this is MY brain. Thank you so much ❤️

[@Lex-qu1dw]

you should make a video on tips on how to let yourself be more vulnerable w your partner

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Good one! I'll put it on the list :)

[@Karmaman777]

This video made me realize ALL THE GAMES fearful avoidants play, it's so close to narcissism it's repulsive. So nothing against fearful avoidants as I've been one working towards being secure, but as fearful avoidants we really need to do ALOT of work on ourselves or we're just wasting other peoples' and our own time. Definitely experienced an FA I dated doing all this questioning about our relationship and it just seems all like GAMES to me that didn't take my individuality into consideration or care so that helps me get over it more

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Thank you for sharing!❤

[@kaytlynngantner1111]

I will not be ashamed of my protection mechanisms but I will heal from them and become secure , best of luck to you on your healing journey 😊

[@TaylerJones]

I understand what you mean, we all need to be working on ourselves. However, I don't know if comparing fearful avoidance to narcissism is accurate or helpful. Most fearful avoidants are actually chronic people pleasers, and the avoidance itself comes from a fear not only of getting hurt but of hurting others. We want desperately not to feel the way we do, we feel ashamed. It's a protective mechanism, not narcissism. Unfortunately, fearful avoidants who lack that awareness and have nothing to act on other than their confusing thoughts and feelings might actually think they're protecting you by breaking up with you. Its absolutely exhausting, I just hope you realize that it's not "games". It's mental torture and unfortunately when there is no self awareness and practice it can destroy connection and relationships. I was abused as a child, and parentified. I went into my now relationship completely ignorant to how my relationship with my parents affected me. I love my partner with everything in me, but there have been times when i could not show up as my full and loving self because i was afraid. I'm sorry you experienced that. I hope you can find someone who is able to show up fully for you. ❤

[@poovizhip8660]

Your contents helped me a lot. Now i have answers for all of my confusions and misunderstanding's. That really helping Me to heal my wound which is still hurting me from the bottom of the core.

[@adammalay3842]

Is my intuition telling me to break up? This was me! And now I’m single and regretting the decision to break up. I’ve learned a lot about my self since then. And the only reality I know this one, where I had to make that mistake in order to learn and move forward.

[@katiemckenzie2425]

I relate to all of these. Makes me wonder if I should have pressed through the intense anxiety with the last guy I dated, who currently still loves me. Ugh, extremely confusing.

[@frappalina]

probably not. probably you are simply not ready yet. you will meet the "right" guy when you are. you will still feel anxiety but you will pull through it

[@Ksiuiu]

I can really relate to the intense fears regarding intuition. But with me it’s about I am so fearful my intuition is telling me he is someone with a hidden agenda or bad intentions. One of these thoughts can set off so many fearful thoughts!

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Thank you for sharing!

[@coreygeiger81]

Please, Get out of my head! :O you know way too much about what I'm thinking!

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

It's creepy isn't it? One minute you're thinking you're the only one with these thoughts, and the next.. you're not that special ;) It only means that you can heal this too!

[@runkildibi2555]

I can relate to almost everything you say in your video's, thank you for sharing all of this and make me understand myself instead of bashing myself all the time. What I wonder is, how did you now that you did not want to leave Arjen with all the fear-driven mechanisms going on and how did you hold on so long. I was burnt out and depressed after a year of trying to stay in the relationship while my whole system protested most of the time.

[@SaminSays]

this weekend was SO BAD for me, and i've been avoiding this video all weekend but im finally sitting down and addressing this! edit: i felt so much more calm, at peace, clear headed after i watched. why didnt i watch sooner again? lol

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Because feeling bad can sometimes feel comforting, familiar and safe. It makes sense! I'm happy you still watched it when you did!

[@destaniehugs67]

relate to all of this! i feel so seen

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Oh Alice, I relate to every single one of these things. Definitely all symptoms of fearful avoidant. I'll see if I can make a video on why it's scary to feel too happy!

[@destaniehugs67]

@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 yes please! thanks so much. i have gotten alot better since watching your channel and knowing im not alone. i am taking my relationship day by day and even he reminds me to stay in the present

[@aurorel3301]

Omgg all of these are (unfortunately) so relatable 😭 feels good to know I'm not just completely insane for thinking those. So confusing and so scary to have them though :((

[@sinistran2221]

It's very hard to differentiate between what is legit intuition, and what is fear-brain talk.

[@Nicole-yx8ms]

I loveee each and every one of your videos... thank you thank you for creating and sharing!!🙏💝 always so incredibly relatable! Can fear of having certain feelings and/or fear of not having certain feelings create what you fear? Like fearing feeling unattracted, fear of feeling desire to be away from them, etc creates those actual feared feelings? The thoughts for me feel so insignificant compared to the feelings I have. Thanks again, always!! Xo

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

They will not magically create what you fear in an instant. They might influence what YOU allow over time. But you are still worthy and capable of receiving love, even with fear.

[@Nicole-yx8ms]

@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 thank you always for your responses❤ Perhaps I just simply will always feel really unattracted to him, annoyed, not in love, etc. from now on. Over time, these feared feelings became the truth of what I feel, and while I've tried to accept, I can't seem to feel anything different for him.

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Because you haven't found a way to make it safe and normal for you to do so. We're gonna do that in the online program! You'll learn a way to do that

[@Nicole-yx8ms]

@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 thank you❤ I know your program will be amazing!!

[@AnthonyCourey-p9d]

My former FA GF told me 12 hours after saying she loved me the following thought: we are done; there is something just not right about us; I feel it in my bones…

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Thanks for sharing. I am very sorry you had to go through that. ❤

[@iloveTool]

Love your videos, really helps us fearful avoidants understand what is going on. Thank you for sharing all you've learned having had this attachment style. Video suggestion, maybe you could talk about why we are so attracted/drawn to emotionally unavailable people rather than healthy relationship partners.

[@PerrySkyePhoenix]

My obsessive thoughts: Is he worth it?? Is this another mistake? Do I need to end it now, before he does? (He's poly) Will he like her more than me? For me, he's irreplaceable. I like him, and we have a lot of chemistry. This doesn't happen very often for me. I've been single and celibate for many years before. I'm afraid I am easily replaceable. Maybe I started dating a single polyamorous guy because I'm afraid of commitment? I've always been monogamous.

[@vaultsjan]

Re safe choice good choice. Have you read Esther Perel's Erotic Intelligence and alike, she says that some tension and fact that partners can fall off has to be there.

[@grabbelton]

So, it is normal for feelings to come and go while being in the relationship?? Somehow this hits me hard 😭. Thank you for saying that..... Didn't have a clue... Needed to hear that.... 🙏

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Thank you for being here❤

[@nadgri8682]

Hi Paulien, thank you so much for your content! It’s really helpful to know I’m not the only one who has these obsessive thoughts. I’ve been struggling with them for over 4 months now, subconsciously maybe even years. I also keep getting the fear of being more attracted to some other guy, especially if the person has some qualities that I like/find attractive and that my boyfriend might not have.. obviously nobody can check ALL the boxes and I know that but still I’m afraid of myself, obsessing over someone new and hurting my boyfriend in the long run.. could you please comment on that? 🙏🏻

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Hi Nadja! You might want to look into ROCD! I am not diagnosing you in any way, but that is a very typical fear seen in those that have ROCD, or ROCD tendencies.

[@andrewmass1414]

I am in love with a fearful avoidant in Germany and I am in the states.

[@emisterr]

When more or less are you planning to launch the course? :) can't wait!

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Towards the end of march!!

[@TonyYuEvangelism]

If you “fall out of love” 20 year into the marriage, you stay in and fix it. That’s why marriages have vows.

[@starlightbright]

Haven’t seen the other ones yet, but the first two… WOAH. Fucking big time

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Happy to hear it resonate with you!!❤

[@Anne.....]

Hi again Paulien. In this video you speak about safe relationships and I find it all very enlightening and I am really grateful for all this information that you make available about this complicated topic. The only thing that puzzles me in the video is - and this might seem impolite, and I apologize for that - but it puzzles me why your husband decided to fall in love with you and stay with you when he has a more secure attachment style and you had a fearful avoidant attachment style when you met each other? Obviously I can see that you are a very beautiful, intelligent and attractive woman, but according to other sources (Stan Tatkin for instance), people are attracted to people with an attachment style that matches their own, because this is what feels familiar to them. This means that securely attached people are attracted to other securely attached people, and insecurely attached people to other insecurely attached, because in this way they recognize and use the experiences regarding attachment that they learned as little children. Then this makes me wonder why your husband did not decide to leave you and instead form a bond with a securely attached woman with whom he would have been able to from the start to co-create the securely attached relationship that he had experienced in his childhood? I know this sounds very impolite, but that is not how I mean it. I only mean that it must have been stressful and straining for you husband to deal with your anger and all the others things in the beginning of your relationship, and since he is more or less securely attached then it must have been confusing to him what was going on in the relationship, and one could imagine that he might have longed for a more uncomplicated, open, vulnerable and loving relationship (when he had experienced it in his childhood) and therefore decided to leave you and look for a relationship that would fulfill his needs...???!!! I personally have never been in a relationship with a securely attached person, and I also am very sure that a securely attached person would never want to be in a relationship with me, because they would simply not understand my reactions and they would be repelled by my behavior. I would very much like to find a securely attached partner, but I just don't believe it would be possible. This is why it puzzles me how it was possible for you with your husband?

[@sandraumney5516]

I’m very much enjoying your perspective and I was shocked by the resonance. I don’t know ….am I fearful avoidant? I thought hit thus only came from severe neglect…I’m confused

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

No it doesn't just come from severe neglect, that is a common misconception :) If it helps: nobody is fully 1 attachment style. You are always a mix. So it could be that you have a lot of FA tendencies, but FA isn't your dominant attachment style. Or it could be that it is your dominant attachment style, but you also have some secure attachment tendencies. All of it is possible! In the end, it doesn't really matter I think: it is possible to heal whatever isn't serving you.

[@tk9721]

Pauline please help me! I have been dating the most wonderful boy. I know he’s good for me and very patient, but my past relationships haunt me. They make it hard to be fully there for my current boyfriend. Even just hearing the name of the men of my past relationships triggers me. It makes me want to withdraw from my current relationship and run. Am I doing the right thing? Did I pick the right boy?? Could it have been right with those other boys if I knew I had this attachment style with them? Why now? Why him? Please any advise would help.

[@mariairina7967]

Hi , I have avoidant attachment and i'm in a relanshionship for over a year . He is my first sexual partner, and i keep wondering obsesively if i want to be to another men also . I also have all the thoughts described in the video ? Do you have an advice ? Thank you ! I really like your videos .

[@ori9278]

Paulien, do you think i/we can heal this on our own? I don't have too much access in my country to therapist who know about attachment styles and when they do FA is rarely talked about.. I found many valuable resources here on the internet( you, Personal development school, EFT that you talk about-haven't really incorporated that in my routine yet) and to be honest I haven't found one who would guide me well. What do you think?

[@eliwilliamson7849]

Relationship OCD? The same as Limerance? Obsessive thoughts in both.

[@sprangbrake7402]

I never had a date, kiss or even love from a parent, it's difficult, for sure, i just accepted my fate, i'm too broken and pathetic for women

[@evadebruijn]

🍀❤️❤️❤️🤗❤️❤️❤️🍀💪 Words are like spells, be careful what you tell yourself Half of the worlds population cannot all be of the same mind about you Most important is what you think of you (What feels better, 👍 or 👎? 🤔) ✌️

[@raphaelgear6905]

Harry Potter is definitively an FA and is fear brain is the Voldemort's horcrux inside him..😂😢

[@Mufuchi]

After break up FA blocked me on social media, but keeps calling me once a week from a hidden phone number, just to hear my voice and hang up. What's the reasoning?

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

The reasoning doesn't matter. Your boundaries do.

[@whiterobin01]

Paulien, your translations are perfectly fine. You should not worry so much about that. ❤