Fight Smarter: Avoid the Most Common Argument Patterns - Esther Perel

[@wanjikushiko8215]

"In arguments and in hurts, I suggest that you do not think about yourself as the person with the right measurement stick of what is worthy of being upset about and what is not"

[@kiranNiks]

My boyfriend decides whats worth being upset and whats not. Leaving him now.

[@wanjikushiko8215]

@@kiranNiks ❤️❤️❤️

[@cesaroliva5842]

@@kiranNiks I do also and I’m stopping now because I want to do better

[@paulabellamy169]

U

[@theworldaccordingtojaimie8348]

This is bullshit advice when you are dealing with someone who is emotionally abusive.

[@JudyAnne741]

“It is truth of your experience, but not necessarily the truth of what happens.” I’m going to try to remember that. 💛

[@relaxwithscriptures]

JudyAnne same here!

[@andkyrmar]

It’s a truly poetic line, but if said to a true narcissist, is a waste of time.

[@JohnSmith-vy4lh]

This is total Ashkenazi psycho babal.

[@manpreetapr9]

Same here.. Might help me prevent some fights in our home. 😊

[@anac8654]

Story of my relationship

[@Chaz_NFQ]

This woman has such a way of articulating what most of us feel and (likely) fail to communicate effectively on a regular basis

[@spectershore4482]

And it is not in her mother tongue too 🤯

[@qilin3530]

This is hard advice to follow when the other party doesn’t have this same realization and willingness to reconcile.

[@jennybugsification13]

So true....

[@gomonkeyfly]

if you want to be with the other person, you might not always want to judge the situation from your own pov. if you cant do that then dont be in that relationship. think about when you are irrational, do you want your SO to break up every time you are illogical?

[@SA-zk3ny]

facts

[@thisisdreamshadow]

You should send them this video :)

[@entertain7us148]

exactly. her advice is given on the assumption that both parties love each other and will do whatever it takes to make it work. sadly, a lot of couples have gone beyond that and simply can't work anymore.

[@BlueCammo]

Great advice! This even goes beyond romantic relationships but all relationships.

[@pragawa]

Absolutely@all relationships

[@nessav7258]

Esther basically gives free psychology advice and people use the thumbs down.

[@juliejay5436]

Nessa V what I find incredibly sad is that so many people waste their precious time watching Dr Phil crap or Jeremy Kyle, both repugnant!

[@lovedove2661]

Those who thumbs down are the psychologists who dont want couples to grow together.

[@foxdylan9536]

I don’t think Ester loses any sleep over this...

[@ninjabreadgirl]

Yeah, people suck

[@puma5471]

Crazy isn’t it?

[@jmcarbone2754]

If you want to have a long term happy relationship with your partner do not make winning arguments a goal. Being a winner means there is a loser. Argue to reach common ground. Excellent video.

[@cl8wnm5n]

Bingo!

[@jhask64]

This video is about so much more than "being late." The insight on "confirmation bias" is incredible! I am so guilty of this and I knew it wasn't good, but I could not see the whole scope of it. Thank you! I just discovered your videos and am excited about learning more on not changing my wife, but changing ME.

[@ArtU4All]

J Hask Amen! The ONE person we CAN change 🌞🙏🏻♥️

[@erwintan4746]

how is now 3 years later?

[@abdulmaliks]

I found her by chance on tik tok then look her up on KZbin she is amazing worth watching 🌹

[@doymon]

And 5 years later?

[@missb4016]

"Mine is situational, yours is circumstantial" I will try to avoid "always" and "never" during fights. Thanks for the incredible advise as usual :)

[@ichrakmouaci4904]

But wut does it mean?

[@briana14333]

Don't justify or explain; just apologize, let him be mad and empathize. Easier said than done.... for now. This is great advice. thank you!

[@Bismillilah]

I had a fight with my husband which was actually a build up of a lot of resentment after we had a baby.. I was taking out my frustration on him unknowingly thinking he didn't care. He had a massive outburst one night. Finally that night I watched one of your videos Esther, and next day everything changed. Changing my attitude towards him, my apology and the way I carried it off so gracefully thanks to you made wonders happen. So yeah, true fan of your talks! Stay blessed and keep churning up these beautiful insights! :D

[@plusbonus1165]

Cher , you have the golden key. Most men have never had a woman apologize to them. From their Moms and sisters right through to their wives it just doesn't happen. Men are taught to apologize and shake hands , women generally sort things out differently. We're all learners. Good work.

[@TNDCBaby]

@@plusbonus1165 and sometimes someone can apologize all of the time and the other person seems to forget every single time. LOL we humans are the funniest.

[@mrsc4760]

@@plusbonus1165 If you look at research you will see that women apologise more than men. This is very easy for you to research to see in correct.

[@lipsohlips97]

She changes lives. Facts.

[@nottedeliziosaa]

@@plusbonus1165 I apologize with a sincere will to be a better wife every week to my husband and he sometimes says a short sorry so I dont get mad so I dont know where you got your information

[@Amanda.eliott]

"Most Difficult part is knowing needs and expectations of your partner". We were always too shy to openly talk about it. My husband eventually found a better way to deal with it. We started playing couple question games like "lovify". In this game you have to guess what your partner likes. And, with these games we got to know a lot about each other ❤

[@shebaglover3986]

Lady! the way you word this... you have a true gift to the point i can not explicate....Wow!!!! you have change my interior thought process.

[@daniellamoreno3616]

She is absolutely amazing!!

[@plusbonus1165]

Sheba , just apologize to your man and be prepared for him to faint ! The fun happens later !!

[@TL-vp8uh]

“Confirmation Bias” becomes so overwhelming when you are in a relationship with a narcissistic gaslighter. You end up living your entire relationship trying to prove to yourself that they don’t care about you and then you go crazy 😜

[@justicestanford5894]

Yes if you’re in a relationship with a narcissist this video isn’t for you they run by different rules. I suggest Ramani Durvasula

[@rafazeppelin]

Oh, God! Now I feel so ashamed after watching this video. We had a huge argument last night just because she forgot to buy the eggs that I asked for. And I tried hard to remember some of the advises that you already gave but none came to mind, since I was so numb with anger. I think that what infuriated me the most was the fact that we were in such a great mood before this. So, first I started to complain about the eggs but it turn into a strange cicle of arguments about the argument we were having. Very paradoxal... Anyway, thanks a lot for your videos! It helped us a lot. I always watch more than once to try to get the whole message. Greetings from Brasil!

[@anaguerrerosholisticwellbe2788]

You've said it. We know the logic and the theory but once something upsets us we seem to forget. It's hard remaining cold when you are on fire!

[@JCAH1]

You were numb with anger because she forgot to buy eggs? Hmmmm......

[@TheIrishBosnian]

Man just wanted some eggs.

[@EM-KeepingtheFaith]

I love your honesty! Thanks. We all are dumb and petty sometimes. I'm working on making sure I own my dumbness. There. New word.

[@LemansSunset350]

@@TheIrishBosnian 🤣

[@biimare]

"Confirmation Bias" has never felt so accurate in my entire life. Omg - A- I am so aware now.

[@silviar.7438]

Am I the only one that thinks this is genius advice ? So insightful !! Thank you Esther xxx

[@jhask64]

Silvia R. Agree!!!

[@robinplan1858]

Why would you think you're the only one? What a weird, backhanded compliment. Issues with brilliant women, perhaps?

[@janerylands-bolton2928]

I could listen to you all day, Esther. You deserve the Nobel Peace prize.

[@VestinVestin]

"Once is happenstance, twice is coincidence, three times is enemy action."

[@SuperNashum]

I think when you truly love your partner and you see that being late triggers deep reaction in him/her you organize yourself and come on time. I never had this issue with my previous partners but with one friend. She always late. And it’s a fact. And I do consider this attitude like a major “don’t care” which is visible in her behavior about other things. And with time i started to arrive late myself to the meetings with her. It also allowed me to flex my rigid neurotic mind that others should behave like I believe is right. May be these kind of people are sent to our life so we can learn to be less rigid and less categorical and of course to heal our past traumas. Also worth mentioning not to be fixating on the time while you are waiting but use these extra minutes on loving yourself, asking yourself how are you doing for the past few days/weeks, observe the nature, relax while breathing deeply because when the other person will arrive you won’t be able to do it. Use these extra time as a gift from the Universe and as the hint that you don’t have enough of quality space for yourself. 😉 Sending love to everyone ❤️ P.S. I prefer Marshall Rosenberg “Non violent communication” it’s even softer.

[@jaymesigler6402]

I have ADHD. It's rare and almost impossible for me to be on time. It's not something I can fix by just "organizing myself and coming on time." Anyone in my life needs to understand that I will do my best, but I will be late often. They can feel however they feel about it, but they have to either accept it or move on.

[@rafaelveggi]

"I suggest a good dose of humor when this happens" -- made my day!

[@fishcanon8141]

As I get older and crave for something meaningful and long-lasting, Esther’s wisdom resonates more and more with me. Should ask my partner to follow her as well!

[@DragonballG.]

Esther is an incredibly communicator. Precise, concise, ordered, easy to understand for everyone.

[@MetubeYoutube]

Esther gets it. She knows the heart of it. She's my favorite therapist/expert in the relationship space.

[@vishwav20]

I think having these kind of dialogues within one's self and practicing it with things that are annoying to ourselves gives a greater edge when using it with spouse/partner. Because lets face it, there are times we are annoyed with things even when partners are not involved and using these techniques on ourselves reveals a great deal about our tolerance levels, what annoys us and where we are vulnerable.

[@grocerygrip]

Humility is a POWERFUL thing

[@erfanchannel]

@6:32 she almost says “it just feels so fucked up”, but says “annoying” instead lol I love her; she talks with so much passion

[@vladimirsamsonov46]

"give them space and stay connected". A great advice for DA/AP relationship dynamic.

[@patrickdavid6525]

This woman is amazing. Bless her heart. So passionate, precise, and I just love the she points out my areas of improvement I'm just happy to change my perception she is awesome !

[@jillyoung1282]

Listen to this woman! She’s incredible! English isn’t even her mother tongue, yet she’s so fluent. Every word matters.

[@splashpit]

I like how you give them the benefit of doubt that they are sometimes on time ! My wife has never been on time and it got old quickly , I lie about the time we need to be ready to leave or the start time . You are a very smart lady and I'm going to watch all you're videos .

[@tarledamanley2832]

🤣🤣I tell my kids a different time so we can leave on time. I don't lie necessarily I tell them you need to be ready by this time and then we leave on time

[@IamRjack]

Time always seems to get away from me. Very irritating to my husband, as well. Its not that I don't care about him, I don't care that much about time, and his 'obsession' sort of irritates me. Out of respect, I am trying to care more, and he precues me if it's something really important. I think we've worked this out as well as we can.

[@RFernandez18]

I'm so bad with being on time, I can't help it. I'm late literally to everything everyday. I've had consequences of all kinds. Lost jobs, missed important appts, paid extra money,, lost money, lost opportunities...I've upset and ruined personal relationships and still, I cannot be early. I'll know about a specific event weeks in advance and have all the time in the world to be ready and prepared but still, I manage to be late ( I don't hold a normal job for this reason). I sometimes feel like I'm just cursed...😳😔

[@beavermama9025]

@@RFernandez18 just curious what are you doing with your time while you’re late? Maybe that can give you some insight…it’s easy to waste hours playing on your phone etc. I set timers of when to leave otherwise I’d forget and/or lose track of time as well.

[@RFernandez18]

@@beavermama9025 I'm literally walking around stressing about what needs to get done and what am I forgetting while getting nothing done.

[@anonikamous]

Fuck. Ms. Perel, your incredibly incisive, well reasoned and investigated reports on human conduct and relational interactions have been beyond illuminating and am so incredibly grateful to have run across your wisdom. Thank you.

[@hughrblackwell]

Learn some manners. Correct your message. You have no reason or right to swear on KZbin.

[@erwintan4746]

@@hughrblackwell LOL

[@CataBodyTable]

I love your videos and the way you speak Esther!

[@markacanizales6616]

I love her. I just find this videos, never is let

[@JaneyImaaniEmotionalAwareness]

me too

[@somyan8540]

@@JaneyImaaniEmotionalAwareness I don't know who is in love with me How am I to respond 1. It's correct what you are sayin' 2. Other people do the things you mention in this video for their own reasons A person might not be understood or accepted because the person she is talking to isn't the one that loces her Otherwise she would be understood and accepted.

[@aynooralwerfali3761]

I feel like i should watch your video while holding a note and a pen ...every word is wisdom. Respect ❤❤

[@lisarobinson3521]

Where have you been all my marriage!!! I love your advice. You are out here changing lives. 🙏😊

[@anac8654]

This woman speaks pure gold

[@danielleanita4988]

Facts!!!

[@veemon]

Bless the KZbin gods for bringing this woman into my feed!

[@sanitysquota937]

This is great advice for all relationships; not just romantic ones. We can even apply it to work because I often feel as though when I'm running behind on tasks, it is because of circumstances but when someone else is, it is due to some character flaw or other.

[@TinaMB85]

Just found your videos and I am so thankful for them. Me and my boyfriend have been having more arguments than we were. He accuses me of a lot of things. Wednesday we had a talk that went good but then he mentioned something after the talk that lead to our first big fight. He told me yesterday if we have one more argument that he’ll leave me. Things we’ve discussed what what we like, how we’re showing we love each other and things that drive us insane that we can’t deal with. I am tired of arguing and realized I’m just going t stop reacting to negative things he says or does because it’s not worth it. I’m going to watch more of your videos and take your advice in the hopes that changing MY behavior changes HIS and we can be happier TOGETHER being we’re both being treated how we want to be

[@julugs2000]

I first heard the "confirmation bias" in the book called "thinking, fast, and slow". I didn't think it would apply to the argument patterns. but now I know!

[@damianjenkins6577]

You’re such a brilliant scholar and researcher. You capture the complexities involved with human relationships and you share your knowledge so generously.

[@christianpulisic7784]

Damian Jenkins,You are absolutely gorgeous 🌹🌹🌷🌺, hope you are with a good man!!

[@donramonito]

Esther is fearless in her forays into the human mind of relationships and arguing. A brilliant mind.

[@lindsaycook3738]

Ms. Perel, I just had the honour of listing to you on the Tim Ferriss Show - absolutely outstanding and very thought provoking. Thank you. I was elated to learn you were also on KZbin. Be well.

[@mariamkinen8036]

You've got to fight the topic of the moment , not the past issues. ..... you are a genius.

[@pennygillen1936]

I really appreciate your perspective on things! You have a very relatable style of presenting ideas, thank you.

[@hannahjouy8644]

I love the conversations and dialogues that you are opening up. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and knowledge, it's making me hungry to know more really.

[@hannahjouy8644]

also, how can I ask a question? :) through here or are the questions submitted elsewhere?

[@لفتهالحريشاوي]

Hannah Jo Uy good evenning hanna iam admir mor for your comment possibe known you

[@لفتهالحريشاوي]

Hannah Jo Uy no problem if yoy seen thats diffcult

[@test1test219]

0:32 Exactly!!!! Being the person that is most sensitive in the relationship it’s easy for the other person to act all righteous which only makes it worst.

[@ildikokiss4647]

Esther Perel, I have always been fascinated by human relationships and behavior. Some months ago I found you and you put into words what my mind has always thought. Of course in a much more structured and eloquent way. Thank you so much for existing and for your work, I believe that in these confused times your work is critical and what you are doing is an amazing service to humanity. I really hope I can, in some some small ways, help sharing your understanding with the people I meet. God bless you! Vargha

[@charliem.p.4864]

OMG you have a YT channel? There goes my evening...

[@christianpulisic7784]

Charlie M. P,You are beautiful 🌹🌹🌷🌺,hope you are with a good man!!

[@andrearobinson1597]

Thank you Esther. I wish I watched this Podcast before my fight this weekend. The way in which my partner approached me, I felt attacked. Before we knew it we were throwing the 'kitchen sink' at each other, and I lost focus as to what we were truly arguing about. I will remember this for any future disagreements.

[@amelialee2142]

I am so enchanted with this haircut, style and accessories of course the advice is amazing and helpful as always. Thank you for the new style! I am showing this cut to my hair stylist!

[@Rebscha]

Amelia Lee now if we can just find those glasses!!

[@Shezztravel]

The necklace and blouse I love it distracting me from listening

[@holly_kay5570]

Good info. My husband and I had our coffee cups printed with the phrase "assume positive intent" because we discovered that we often assumed negative intent. It helps when one of us get in that feeling of how could you do this to "me."

[@edwardkirshenbaum3827]

Ms Perel, thank you. This world needs to hear this stuff and you make it very accessible for people not familiarized with behavioral pshyc jargon. Kudos. That's not easily done. Was starting to "feel" very alone. Appreciate the renewal in humanitarian faith. 💓

[@krishnadevyadav5702]

Excellent thanks, Every question will be answered, every desire will be fulfilled. Never again do you need to be afraid,Never again do you need to suffer.

[@SuperPassionflower]

you are such an inspiring human, woman, psychotherapist. I love the way you discuss issues, so much clarity you bring, accessible and understandable to all if I may put it that way. I have so loved your appearance in Dutch program Zomergasten and have whole heartedly recommended my son (2nd year student Psychology with the ambition to become a Psychotherapist and/or Sexologist one day) to see it as well as look for your channel here. I hope he does because there is much he can learn from seeing and hearing you. Bless you!

[@christianpulisic7784]

Irene Enghardt,You look gorgeous 🌹🌹🌺🌺 dear

[@rosejacks8662]

Take a deep breath and think before your speak. Words are powerful, thank you, Esther!

[@twigsoflife]

Hi Esther I just come across this video today and after watching this I check more of your videos and I am so impress of your knowledge about relationship especially about marriage relationship. Thank you so much for your super duper deep understanding and knowledge and for sharing these to me/us. It enlightens me so much that now am working out myself toward my husband😊. Love you and your knowledge.. you are indeed a gift.

[@lalithamariaperez2937]

I love this woman... Her advices are so practical. LOVE YOU, ESTER PEREL! You're a life saver!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[@blakrumba]

This video just made me look in the mirror about how I express myself. Thank you Esther, lots of learning going on here.

[@DrUnatiDrMHealthCorner]

There's layers to that analysis that someone doesn't care. It could send you straight to your subconscious. We tend to navigate stories that go back to our experiences in childhood. Either they happened or we misunderstood and we build up stories.

[@richardkan8499]

This so reminds me of that take in Everything Everywhere All At Once, that we need to be kind to ourselves and others, especially when we've no idea of what's going on around us (whilst we may think we do, we actually don't). Subsribed.

[@adardarnov2445]

I appreciate the analysis. Especially the part about accepting how the person who feels they are wronged feels about this. But isn't a key piece of advice to Paul missing from this? Which is that he should simply make an effort to take responsibility for how he is acting and how it makes his partner feel and to try to stop being late so often? I showed up late to a couple dates with someone and realized I wouldn't accept that as a recurrent behavior in someone so I decided to stop and I've been on time basically ever since.

[@MoonLightOnWater1]

This woman is a GENIUS!! Now, if ONLY I can get hubby to watch this!!

[@elliefeitosa]

You are such a cool lady! I just love to watch your videos! I think that your accent helps a lot to delivery the message. Cheers!

[@mylifejen6372]

Ellie Feitosa me too! It’s like what she says is brilliant, but HOW she says it is just the icing on the cake. Her intelligence and insight is intoxicating.

[@craigelliott7582]

YOU ARE INCREDIBLE!!!!!!!! I am learning soooo much about myself and human behaviour!!!!!!!!

[@danielleanita4988]

Yes! Agreed!!!

[@natalianatalia383]

Esther, you are such an ispirational, wonderful and beautiful woman!!! You have such an intensive positive energy!!! So, happy I have found you on the internet!!! :-)

[@hardway2live622]

I rarely comment, but I had to say she sumed up most of my arguments . So much truth in if

[@Z1ldjiann]

I hope you continue this format for a while, I really enjoy the nuanced advice!

[@144Donn]

FEAR causes these kinds of people (you ALWAYS etc) to think in this manner! I love and admire Esther..I am surprised she does not bring in the idea of fear into her analysis. Also, a consistent mind-frame focused on giving as opposed to taking is vital and protective! There are those who say, the first moment you focus on what you can get from your partner, is the beginning of the end of the relationship.

[@a.i.chemist2261]

When you are late after we agreed to meet, it makes me feel anxious. I can't really describe it, but I've tried many times, and now it's hard not to take it personally when you're aware and still choose to prioritize your circumstances over our plans. This has added to my anxiety in these situations. Probably similar to how this conversation upsets you. I try to ignore it because of that, but now I feel manipulated. Why is it okay for you to be upset for reminding you of our agreement, but then I'm "irrationally" upset when you repeatedly prioritize your circumstances over our plans? I understand my value to you. Actions speak louder than words. You may not be late intentionally, but by now it's clear that you aren't even attempting to intentionally not be late. Take responsibility for your own actions please. My wife doesn't like it when I smoke. - Don't smoke. My husband is bothered when I spend money we don't have. - Don't spend money you don't have. My partner feels like I'm ignoring their needs when I spend too much time playing video games. - Don't play so long. My .... is upset when I agree to a thing, then fail to meet that agreement, again, because this other really important thing came up, again. - Don't be a bitch.

[@tesnimguesmi6087]

THANK YOU!!

[@sussannekeith5676]

So be totally controlled? Nope

[@seancooper5140]

@@sussannekeith5676 The message is "be good for your word". It's interesting that you see being trustworthy as being controlled.

[@Kain5th]

@@sussannekeith5676terrible way to see this…

[@VivienReacts]

Seriously thank you for this... Me and bf used to fight almost everyday, now not so much but we still fight or arguing.. Love Mrs perrel so much 👍

[@jonefavour6747]

He is the best when it comes to recovery relationship ..

[@jonefavour6747]

ViawhatsApp.

[@tatianapostman9134]

Such a brilliant woman!

[@alannaharley5615]

I'm surprised I didn't see her videos sooner! I enjoy them. Grateful

[@kellietrudel8222]

Wow. How you broke this down Esther! I learned so much from this! Thanks so much 💐

[@christianpulisic7784]

Kellie Trudel,You are absolutely gorgeous 🌹🥀🥀🥀🌷 dear,hope you are with a good man!!

[@nataliablair9973]

This woman is exceptional!

[@marqueztamen4137]

How can someone on earth dislike this video?? 🤦🏽‍♂️

[@Kareragirl]

Maybe they feel called out.

[@imalwaysme4332]

@@Kareragirl 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 most positive!!

[@Godz1stlady]

I hardly comment on the thousands of videos that I watch on KZbin but this was gold. A light bulb definitely went off for me.Thank you for sharing Esther💕

[@arnoldbobb]

I had this happened to me before and what bothered me the most was that, if your partner tells you that I can't promis you this won't happeen again, this statement is equal to: this is the way things are, i'm not going to change, you either accept this or not. I understand you, but i'm not going to change for you and there is nothing you can do about it

[@Tontoquienloleation]

Well, they're not going to change and keep being late, but you're not going to change and stop being bothered by it either.

[@joeldwest]

In both situations, leave the late person.

[@terriesmith8219]

Bobb Arnold~The real question is.....is her being late reason enough to end the relationship? If being on time is that important to you, then you should leave. If you feel that she is making an effort, is trying, but she can't make false promises, and you can live with that, it's maybe not important enough for you to leave. In relationship, it's a give and take. It's a matter of, can you live with it. To me, this problem is annoying but so insignificant. This is so small, why fight over such small problems, when there's bigger stuff to worry about.

[@shiningdawn8578]

Victoria - That's a rather unideal answer. I can't imagine the low quality of a relationship like that. If you're willing to cut & run over tardiness, then the foundation of the relationship itself is debatable.

[@joeldwest]

HeartOfSky The issue is a behavior that is unchanging and negatively effecting the lives, growth, health, development of both the other parent and children is the situation I envisioned when I made that response. If there is enough flexibility in the lives of the other people in the household, then they can absorb the stressor. Depending on situational variables, everybody has to make a decision on when to call it quits rather than raging forward . I do not know what that decision point would be.

[@Chiclette-ld1xx]

Esther Perel you are gifting us with such wisdom in the realm of relationships. You are awesome! Thank YOU!

[@britanny5363ify]

Do a video about letting go of jealousy please :-)

[@Arlene_witha_y]

Britanny B yes!

[@Aleksandr_Skander]

has she done any?

[@jasminemariedarling]

Yes please

[@Anwar-AT]

You can’t let go of jealousy it’s human nature that’s why there is Islam having woman wear head cover in front of ppl other than her family and husband

[@jaga690]

@@Anwar-AT And what about men? Can't woman become jealous of her boyfriend in Islam?

[@EriqKoontz]

How interesting that I have found out about Esther Perel now --only this month-- when I am experiencing problems in my relationship. I have known for a while that I deeply, deeply love my partner, yet I have committed the stupidest and most common of errors by not fighting fair, by generalizing, and by outright hurting him. Of course he doesn't accept this! Only a fool would allow such a way of communicating to happen. ...And now I have happened upon the many videos of Esther Perel. What an opportunity to work on understanding myself, understanding my partner, and to move ahead! I am especially grateful for THIS video from almost 3 years ago. It has arrived on my queue at an opportune time. What a joy to discover answers!

[@JoannWoolley]

This is good info that I need to remember. I'm the one who has a tendency to be late and I never really "got it" why it was such a problem to my husband. Thank you for helping me grasp the other perspective Esther! I'm working on it.

[@christianpulisic7784]

Joann Woolley,You look stunning 🌹🌷🌺🌹 dear

[@vesnastrugar8086]

It is amazing how easily and simple things are and thank you so very much for doing that for us all. And thank God for my friend Darja that recommend me this channel. This support is so valuable for us all

[@vesnastrugar8086]

And the humor that flows behind the story is so comforting ❤️

[@demarcusfaulkner7411]

This all applies to relationships.Not just intimate.

[@anaguerrerosholisticwellbe2788]

I like how the video starts straight to the point

[@octaviakotinan4429]

I just love so much your science about relationships! It's so real!

[@christianpulisic7784]

Octavia Koti Nan,You look cute 🌹🌹,hope you are with a good man!!

[@jessbragg1]

4:16 what selfish creatures we can be. I love the way you explain things, it just makes sense

[@rwdiana07]

I loved this video! It's so easy to justify our behaviour and villainize the person in front.

[@noora7872]

I love her videos! She is not biased or unrealistis or toxic. Happy that I found you!

[@MisterPeruz]

Esther, i'm watching you from italy. I just wanna say Thanks, really.

[@fetabrown]

Important straight talking, once again. And your optics game is on point!

[@miamigroove]

Esther thank you for your brilliance!

[@gabriella3763]

You are so wise. Your advice and perspective are good. Thank you.

[@shabbirchowdhury6142]

Hi Esther: I have already commented about the depth of your knowledge and wisdom which resonates in my heart & mind. Tell me on the topic of Conflict Resolution. Will it not be so much better if we could have mutually agreed conflict resolution tools & strategies between partners so that things do not get blown out of proportion. When 2 people are in conflict mode things are going to intensify but when we apply conflict resolving tools of giving time & space, treating the problem as circumstantial, not using words or emotional blackmail to be one up on the situation, be forgiving and switching the mood and environment with hugs & kisses. What say you Ms Perel?

[@thecoleplace]

By far some of the best relationship advice I’ve ever heard, thank you so much!

[@relaxwithscriptures]

I absolutely enjoyed this and learned a lot in this 7 minutes! ❤️

[@omnificent15]

It's a good starting point for realisation, that we don't have just one reality to deal with. From one side is the reality of the social agreement, from the other is our individual realities, form by our own unique perception. To balance between all this makes endless disagreements and problems. Once we understand this, is better to relax, accept and judge as less as we can instead of swimming in this mish mash non stop.

[@netfriending101]

0:38 - Esther's *UNPACKING of Confirmation Bias* is soo soo GOOD!!! - "I suggest that you not think of yourself as the person who has the right measurement stick on what is worthy of being upset about and what is not it never bodes well but then the other thing to understand your boyfriend is this is something that we do in relationships that is really fascinating and we call it confirmation bias which means your boyfriend has decided for a host of reasons quite a while back probably that when you are late you are doing this on purpose you know how much it upset him and yet you're doing it again so obviously you mustn't care about him or respect him to the degree that he thinks you should otherwise you wouldn't be doing this the way confirmation bias works is that I am going to pick up evidence along the way of everything that's going to confirm to me that what i believe is actually true and i'm going to disregard any evidence that's going to challenge it and make me want to reconsider so if your boyfriend has decided that you are purposefully dissing him he is going to pick up all the pieces of evidence that prove that the multiple times where you actually came early the multiple times when you've been there on time the multiple times when you've arranged specific special things at that moment will matter none because they would challenge this idea and then of course what you want to ask is is why would you boyfriend persistent thinking of yourself as not caring about him when you are trying to convince him that you do why would we rather think that the other person doesn't love us rather than be released by learning that that's not the case because there is something in the way that we organize reality in the way that this confirmation bias gives us order it gives me a sense that i know what's true and even if what's true sucks I still prefer to think that that's what's true because at least it organizes my reality very strange things that us human beings do so what can you do to make this different don't get first of all into the convincing him that he shouldn't get upset he already is so you simply tell him I totally know how much you hate this you don't justify yourself you don't try to explain why this time you violate that it's a better reason than all the other times you give him the space to be pissed and you say i'm sorry and you say you don't promise it will never happen again because it probably will and you tell him that you can totally understand that given where he is when you've done this six times there is a reason he will continue to think that that's what it means leave him with the meaning that he has given to it and leave him with the space and stay connected that's probably at that moment the best thing you can do." - Esther Perel kzbin.info/www/bejne/aoakmGd3rc2abMk #Netfriending Show Topic:

[@Igbostudy]

Thanks for writing this

[@SS-kc1wq]

Very very enlightenmenting, i definitely do this without thinking about it. Thankyou

[@GabrielKerr]

Freaking brilliant.