How To Be Assertive Without Being Aggressive - Esther Perel

“How do I assert myself as a man without coming across as too forceful?” - Carl, Washington DC
This is a critical question at this moment in time. Many men, especially young men come to me with this dilemma - how can I be assertive and confident, without being aggressive and arrogant?
For more relational resources from Esther Perel, visit estherperel.com.

[@gslrider]

Confidence vs Insecurity. I've found assertiveness comes from a sense of true confidence in one's self. Dominance/aggressiveness comes from a place of insecurity, that's being masked with wanting to be in control.

[@khadidja.polyglotte]

👏

[@rainydays8248]

or just getting used to always having things your way.

[@oklu_]

so accurate!!👏🏻👏🏻

[@ggsplace69]

Assertiveness is a dialog ....Aggressiveness is a debate ....... 👊 thank you

[@MichaelVettas]

ahh Esther you are so good, so eloquently put .

[@acharich]

🔑📝🔑

[@enjerth78]

I disagree. I think debate is not necessarily aggressive, but when it is, that could be specifically categorized as a fight. But debate is a rules-based dialogue to negotiate disagreements and is a necessary component to asserting yourself.

[@rebeccahorton4570]

Get right to the point. I like it.

[@likearollingstone007]

@@rebeccahorton4570 Yeah right, it took 4m40s of reformulations before starting some kind of answers who wasn't one..poor Carl lol

[@modartisto]

When a wise person speaks, you listen. It's not about disagreeing. You take in what you need or what your level of understanding is. Esther speaks wise words here and I am grateful she is willing to share them.

[@FincentVan]

well said

[@AudeSeyntMartinTheINFJlawyer]

Assertiveness comes from an inner tranquility. It requires to be connected with oneself to know what you want

[@costinpatru5450]

Asking for my woman's opinion doesn't make me any less of a man. She is my equal, not my slave Guys who think with their ego are inherently weak.

[@downbntout]

Costin Patru And all the women put up likes

[@creativeraven2222]

I would shift "weak"to "insecure" or "emotionally immature". Something like that. Love becomes a war when people are led by ego.

[@MarianDiaconu-uk5cd]

YOU TALK SO MUCH RUBBISH BOY ,NO BODY IS SAYING THAT YOU SHOULD TREAT HER LIKE A SLAVE ,BUT SHE IS NOT EQUAL TO YOU,RELATIONSHIPS ARE NOT A DEMOCRACY,WOMEN ARE NOT LOOKING FOR MEN WHICH ARE EQUAL WITH THEM ,THEY ARE LOOKING MEN BETTER THAN THEM , MEN BETTER THAN YOU, IS CALLED HYPERGAMY ,IS NOTHING TO DO WITH EGO BUT MORE TO DO KNOWING WOMEN PSYCHOLOGY,IF YOU DON'T WAKE UP QUICKLY YOU'LL FIND THAT YOUR WOMAN WILL CHANGE YOU FOR A BETTER MODEL.DESTEAPTA-TE ROMANE DIN SOMNUL.....,YOU CATCH MY DRIFT.

[@crimson3sky]

Marian Diaconu I would disagree that that is what women on a whole are looking for. I can appreciate a partner that is more prepared than I am of course, I will be happy to learn a lot from them, that is if he’s not being a dick about it, but I feel much more close and content with someone that isn’t playing hierarchical mind games and is always in a competition with me. I don’t want to be with weak spirited men like that. You can never count on people like that and they will stab you in the back to cover their own asses. Weak snakes. And if we’re talking about smart women, then I’m not the only one who thinks like that. And it seems that men also go for women who they percieve as less smart/rich/competent than themselves because, like yourself, they feel threatened by people that are better than them instead of using the opportunity to better themselves. Desteapta-te romane, indeed. :)

[@LL-lj1kq]

Costin Patru .....🤫

[@julieryan8179]

I've always believed that being confrontational was honesty at its primal state. But now at almost 40 this is the one thing hurting my relationships; and I found that the root of my issue is fear of rejection. Basically, self-sabotage. Assertiveness is having a dialogue and Aggressiveness is having a debate; is what I took from this video. Thank you, Esther. I really want to change this.

[@erin3292]

🙏

[@tel5690]

When Esther speaks....i stop and listen...

[@amranaadan1112]

Telly Swain - Me too!

[@SupaHoon]

Gross cheater apologist

[@Shinkajo]

I wank.

[@SilasGTBronte]

I think her accent and how she articulates is kind of cute and sexy.

[@saif9amar417]

I try to feel and understand what she says

[@jimarger8533]

“Assertiveness is a dialogue. Aggressiveness is a debate.” Wow! Beautifully put - Concise, clear, functional!

[@mariye469]

I love how she can speak the English language fluently but doesn't mimic the American or English accent. Plus everything she says makes sense! 💙💙

[@skipper0655]

Mari o Yet h lpppppp

[@johndonaldson3619]

Yes, and her English vocabulary is rich. In this vid uses words like: Repudiation, Hierarchy, Vignette.

[@Shinkajo]

I had an English teacher in high school who was always trying to speak with a British accent, with embarrassing results.

[@CraigsOverijse]

Mari Yet why would she mimic? She is a French speaking Belgian this is how she learnt to speak English

[@MarianDiaconu-uk5cd]

She doesn't mimic the accent because she can not ,if she could she would.

[@triciar6684]

assertive=confidence aggressive=defensive

[@acharich]

📝

[@fnsilly8983]

Nope

[@freudbrahms254]

@@fnsilly8983 explaiN

[@clp480]

Assertiveness is a dialogue. Aggressiveness is a debate.

[@acharich]

⚠️🔑⚠️

[@MaluzOrozco]

Yessss, i love how men are participating with their energy, their presence, their emotional intelligence and much more than just being providers in bringing up their children. I think that’s going to make society so much more healthier.

[@TheOlzee]

Think again

[@antoinelyons5323]

Thank you don’t hear a woman acknowledge that

[@kshitijanatu]

Very well said

[@viberrymassage8546]

I love her accent. It makes her her. Gives me a lot of courage to speak foreign languages without worrying that I sound weird.

[@toomuchinformation]

I find her far more articulate than most native speakers of English.

[@acharich]

💣💣💣

[@practicalsaint]

No it sounds perfect 🙏🙏🙏🙏🌈🌈 use your voice!

[@twoowl]

This women is gold

Fantastic advice. To stop being aggressive, stop being defensive. Simple and actionable.

[@Leoneidas]

All men and women need to hear this. So well said and so concise. Bravo! 👏👍

[@tatjanamirkovic3803]

I think this woman is a genius! She is such a powerful teacher! I am so grateful I've discovered her.

[@MegaLadylove2012]

I could take this myself bc I find whenever a staff tells me how to handle a situation, as a leader, I immediately want to attack back because I feel, as if, takin advice from him or her weakens my position as a head. I then go into the defense statement like ‘oh well, this ain’t my father’s company.’ I ain’t here to control this or everyone.’ ‘I wanna do my job then go home.’ I refused to listen to what the other person has to say because I feel I will become influenced by him or her. Doing so, would threaten my position to make decisions. It’s sort of twisted weird but it happens. So I truly get she’s saying. I’m learning how to counter such behavior by being still. That’s, I keep quiet to listen. I listen while I shut my mouth from having to respond every time. It hardwork also good works which make a lot of difference in the long run. You never have to feel threatened or weakened by anyone or a situation bc of your own thoughts. Relaxed. Actively hear what the someone else has to say. Say nothing, even if you somewhat disagree with a few things understanding for the situation comes thru actively listening to the other person. Lastly, thrive to put aside every ego.

[@Ye_wie]

Well said. I think that it is quite a noble thing that you recognized what you were doing wrong and you make up you mind to do differently

[@MalikaSmile]

I feel that being assertive means you come from a place of confidence in yourself and your "grounded-ness". A confidence that allows for input, that allows for reflexion, doubt, that allows for changing your opinion without feeling threatened in ones identity. It also allows for recognising that sometimes it is just ok to agree to disagree in mutual respect. Being aggressive comes from a place of lack of confidence, where the need is felt to be right and input from others is perceived as a threat for the "self". As Esther Perel says, aggressiveness is on the defence and it comes from a place of doubt in ones own personality. Now being perceived by the other as assertive or aggressive depends also on how confident the other person is. In a work environment, I can sometimes perceive that some coworkers are not that confident. With them I will consciously and actively use that phrase of "it is ok that we do not agree", sometimes I will adapt the timbre of my voice to not scare and come across as dominant even though I am just being assertive. I do that, because in a work environment it is really counterproductive in the long run when people have a lack of confidence and come to resend you for your confidence. In my personal relationships however I will choose to be with someone who is confident enough to doubt. Which makes for a richer relationship all together.

[@navyart8488]

Wow just wow! You put things that we all know underneath but don’t know how to express in words! Being able to do that almost seems like magic! Bow to you mam

[@bob1881]

5:15 Assertiveness is a dialogue, Aggressiveness is a debate

[@investornabil8825]

This woman is the smartest therapist I read about and I read many great ones. Maybe Jung and Froid of course, but not many more. It's not just the knowledge and understanding of masculinity and feminity, cultural and biological differences, but it's HOW she communicates it. With such sensing, soft, warm and kind hearted love. She deserves to be TIME person of the year. I'm just being honest. Hopefully her message will reach a wider and wider audience. I also hope I get to talk with her once. Would love to juggle ideas with her, I think she would enjoy an intellectual discussion. Last point, she absolutely changed my life by making me understand the variety/independence vs security. Once she said it once it was clear a day and my life started improving with super speed after that. Am now living alive while having that security with my wife. All thanks to Esther. My wife is also slowly starting to understand what Esther is about. It's scary of course. If you read this: Thanks Esther, you are the best. Hope you have an amazing fulfilling life. :D

[@jamesoliver5688]

Her "Gift of Service" is to all who hear with their hearts open and pride set aside. The benefits are ours for the taking from this wonderful tree of life.

[@CraigsOverijse]

I could listen to you talk for hours you have so much wisdom

[@mreganzamora7477]

Every time I see Esther talk, I learn something new. She’s a 💎 , great teacher ! ❤️

[@cari78910]

I love the way you explain how things have been, how they have changed and how to operate with the current expectations. Thank you for sharing your knowledge.

[@dianaaasims]

My my my... you’ve continued to be incredibly helpful in my life esther. My father raised me to be like a man and so in many ways my relationships with men led me to push them away with aggression. I’m glad to have gotten clarity about this.

[@evyrichard553]

The Fung Sisters : same here.. my dad was so bitter having only daughters, he rejected those who were too feminine.i learned to challenge and fight instead of listening. Physical aggression marked my early childhood, got beaten up and bullied because I was so defensive and insecure. I still can't have a harmonious relationship with men challenging in the work place, until I found artists and gay communities. I am not homosexual but I can only relax with non sexual relationships to this day. Hopefully I will eventually be able to learn to appreciate 'male' qualities.thanks for your comment, I never talked about this.

[@3340steve]

I know what I want and I am prepared to listen to you with a full heart.

[@raefishman9886]

Engaging dialogue prevents aggression when being assertive. Brilliant insight

[@ibrahimhamada5751]

Hi rea how are you im ibrahim from egypt and i admire for your comment, It really thrills me to see a beautiful and adorable woman like you with such an amazing smile, I really would love to learn more about you but that is if you don't mind sending me a friend, request.thank

[@MakeWay4CJ]

@@ibrahimhamada5751 LOL! Wow.

[@ibrahimhamada5751]

@@MakeWay4CJ how are you

[@tpatel768]

Me too! She is absolutely gifted. I've been sharing her videos with my friends.

[@elvan12581]

You are such a treasure, my goodness! You are the light house that guides the ships home through all kinds of weather. I absolutely adore you.

[@parikshitbiswas6380]

I think I have never come across someone who uses the most correct words as you do. Thanks Esther, God Bless You

[@GoofyToony]

WOW beautifully said. I really feel like we have more options than our ancestors had.

[@khadija-ms9de]

yeah thats true

[@elvansavkl7972]

i love this woman.

[@m4ri5a8]

Thank you for sharing such wisdom.

[@justalice3666]

I truly appreciate Esther Perel. I can listen to her talk all day. The video from 00:01 - 2:40min is her repeating the question. Her answer is revealed at the last 10 seconds of the video.

[@whatthefrimp]

Amazingly insightful!!

[@aubreyjohn4745]

Good question Carl great answer Esther thank you so much.

[@meganjerzyk]

wow! wonderful! thank you! 68 yrs old and still loving to learn new ways! Great explanation

[@mindymorin8273]

Thank you Esther!!!!!! I’m so glad you addressed this, your advice is well needed in our culture today! 💕

[@ekaterinasanxhaku357]

You are powerful teacher! I love the way you explain . I love you ! ❤

[@GabesandAnna]

Great question, great answer! Thank you for sharing your thoughts and wisdom x

[@fredericmoresmau4303]

Look if i had to deal with a lets say less dominant personality i d be assertive enough. Enough EnouGh!

[@HeofonumArt]

Wow. Esther's videos are smth I've discovered recently... I feel that I've found a treasure.

[@essence178]

You get your value from your presence....love this

[@aliciacatherineegan]

Thank you, Esther!

[@TheJRockin89]

The part about shifting roles starting at 3:14 is even more relevant now in this post-pandemic world with WFH and other changes entering the equation of balance between partners. Your words of encouragement and shifting towards assertive, productive dialogue are exactly what I need right now. Your passion and fearless attitude towards tackling modern relationship issues are so appreciated! Thank you so much, Esther.

[@queenfeminine8684]

Thank you Esther, I listen and learn from you xx

[@bottomlessinkwell]

Excellent observations from Esther as usual. Assertiveness is dialogue and aggressiveness is debate. Very well put I hope I can apply this to relationships in my life.

[@alixhice]

Regardless of the topic (which are always riveting), I could listen to Esther all day long. What a lingual artist!

[@hasnainabbasdilawar8832]

"Welcome dialog." Simple and powerful!

[@kiamanawatini9512]

Wow ... oh new learnings ano 💖 the interpretation (assertiveness vs aggressiveness) as a Maori woman in my working world I often heard that I was aggressive (amongst my peers) engari internally I knew that I was assertive (confident-because I worked hard - long hours of research/practice - no short cuts or quick fix) that led to knowing what I want & able to negotiate,. Esther Perel tips -assertiveness - confidence (dialogue) vs aggressiveness - attack (debate) is 151% on point. THANK YOU! xo

[@yourtub8705]

I felt this was for aggressive men I have a great deal of asking to get my needs met and am on the doormat side having been neglected and effectively been trained to be a slave for my narcissistic mum through consistent punishment of trying to get my needs met

[@mrsaveabuck5969]

Thank you for this and the way that you explained it!

[@LL-lj1kq]

Esther, this is timely and very necessary at this time. Thank you !

[@lopkeee]

I love you Esther! Been binge watching your vids for a while now. You’ve been very helpful in my relationship!!! ❤️😘

[@briana14333]

simply excellent advice. thank you!

[@heartwisdomlove]

confidence verses arrogance is a vital distinction yet it is possible to be easily misunderstood when expressing confidence

[@MichelePearl]

This is so eloquent and resonates with me.

[@darrenheard9943]

Thank you for sharing. As a man living in this social climate, it can be difficult to assert yourself without being shamed for coming off as aggressive. This video helped a lot.

[@MarianDiaconu-uk5cd]

Yes ,buddy shaming is one of the best weapons women are using to control men.

[@giorozza]

Marian Diaconu LOL

[@MarianDiaconu-uk5cd]

@@giorozza GOOD FOR YOU DEAR KEEP ON LAUGHING IS GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH,NOW GO AWAY.

[@evyrichard553]

Being assertive is not slamming your fist on the table, it's coming back with a better argument. You will have more general success if everyone pulls in the same direction, willingly. If you can't convince, it is your position that might need tweaking ..

[@citizenk8125]

Your videos and the manner in which you deliver is a poster for assertiveness... Great message as always. Thanks 👍

[@boomerangsruckflug8513]

Thanks Esther!

[@AlexZeBeast]

Beautiful view on it being a gift for men with these new times.

[@atiajanssens5654]

I love this! This has changed my communication so much. I actually learned it via other channels but she summarizes it beautiful. Listening is SO powerful, especially if you listen with kindness and give the person the benefit of the doubt. When in conversation and the other person is struggling to find the word, very often I am able to finish their sentence for them. This is because I am actively listening to them and giving them my full attention. They are often surprised if they are not too engrossed in the subject. But anyone can do this and it gives you great insight and peace and the ability to move forward

[@MarcHarmonTx]

Or maybe they are carefully considering the best word choice to most accurately get across whatever thing they wish to communicate. “Knowing” what someone is going to say before they say it and finishing their sentences for them - especially when done regularly in a relationship. The first thing it does is shut down whatever the other person was trying tell you. Some people react by withdrawing since why bother telling you what they think or feel because you already “know”. The truth is you aren’t listening... you’re thinking about what you’re going to say next and you’re communicating a complete lack of respect for the other person’s thoughts and communication style because you’re too busy trying to prove how smart you are. It’s incredibly arrogant and often controlling to tell other people what they think or feel - again I want to be clear I’m not talking about having or not having empathy or the deep knowing of someone’s inner voice when you’ve known them a long time. You may be right, and it may only be motivated by love and a desire to help... regardless, I promise you that the experience of constantly having your your sentences completed will make most people feel unheard and kill whatever connection they had or wanted to have with you. And it also means- I can guarantee you- that you have shut yourself off from understanding and truly knowing the people you think you already understand. So you both lose. And my own personal experience has been that the more someone has their ego tied into the idea of their perceived superiority the more important it is to spend lots of bandwidth not just trying to articulate my own thoughts but also trying to avoid triggering their overly sensitive insult detector. Because they “know” what the other person feels they are difficult to impossible to convince of anything but what they already think. And because they are narcissists they usually are quite happy for any chance to get back to their favorite subject as quickly as possible- them!

[@atiajanssens5654]

@@MarcHarmonTx I think you are confusing your own experiences with what i said. i never said i do this "constantly", i also did not say that i jump into every break someone makes to take a breath, so i can finish their sentence. i also did not say that i tell people what they are supposedly thinking and don't accept if i am wrong. i specifically meant the moment - that happens sometimes, rarely - that someone is actually struggling to find a word. saying something like "ḧow do you call that thing again...?" and in THAT moment i help them to find the word they are searching for. I don't do this unrequested by the other person. i know the kind of annoying person that you mean, who thinks they know everything best and have a shield of superiority around them. i am related to someone like that, who has just about now decided to give their 8 year old bleach to drink to "heal" him (they call it MMS, google it if you want to bang your head against a wall for 15 minutes). try telling her that this "miracle water" is dangerous bleach and will harm her child: she will go in circles trying to tell you that she loves her child and would never harm him and can never do any wrong ever. I have contacted child protective services over her behaviour, because nothing goes through her thick head.

[@ivnacuri5231]

Some people, like me, feel rushed and as if the other person wants me to get over with what I am saying when they finish my sentences for me. When my dad repeats the same story again for the 100th time, even though I know the ending I'll still let him finish it off himself because I know the joy he has when he shares these stories and thoughts. Just some food for thought.

[@atiajanssens5654]

@@ivnacuri5231 I think i tried to explain this before as well, but I will try to do it better now. I am not rushing in to cut people off and tell them what I think they are trying to say. I have migrated from germany to the netherlands and my parents are from Pakistan. So I am often speaking with people who are not talking in their native language. When they are struggling to find the right word because they don't know it and it is really interfering with their story, I am able to give them that one word they're struggling to find. As you said, when my mother or mother in law are telling me a story that they have told many times before, I still listen to it quietly. Because it's not about the story, it's about sharing and bonding with each other.

[@ivnacuri5231]

Atia Janssens oh I see! Context matters for sure. In Germany and Netherlands people are super direct and you are helping out people who don’t speak their native language. If there is someone you do it often with because they struggle you could also ask them, “do you want me to help you find the words?” Though not a critical thing, unless at work with a superior. You seem thoughtful already.

[@warpathpizzapubroundrocktx917]

Thanks Esther! I learned something about myself today!

[@rudeawakening3833]

Very useful . Thank you , young lady .

[@pickles7734]

Okay so she just gives you an expert’s interpretation of the modern relationships between men and women then gives you well formed life advice. This lady is cool

[@sjsjskad5234]

Thx you told me the basics

[@BallietBran]

This was extremely helpful. Thank you

[@Iam_ramankaur]

wow!Esther, you really helped us differentiate between being assertive and aggressive. You explained it beautifully and the different perspectives of the emotional presence men can have today.

[@Alignmented1]

Brilliantly kind! 💖

[@urielasiefer3879]

Wonderfull words. She brings it to the core of the problem.

[@dexhazedmv]

Wise person speaking, im listening

[@patty2049]

so well said.

[@tynaturkova361]

Wow, this Is So powerful. Thank so much.

[@PinkSallyProductions]

Thank you! Be well 🌹

[@preciousmousse]

To be confident you have to follow your dreams and your heart, to succeed at your own challenges and accept your unique individuality first. Wishing everyone who's here to better themselves the best!

[@08wolfeyes]

A very smart woman and so beautiful also!

[@ojfriends5430]

Mama Perel jus got her hair did🤩on this video. Also i love how you love your jewellery and the story behind how you met the lady who designs & makes it

[@arckocsog253]

The answer starts at 4:45.

[@coralday2009]

Arc Kocsog Thanks!

[@chavellaminerva]

Arc Kocsog omg thanksss

[@jhask64]

So you three did not find her detailed explanation valuable? "Just give me MY answer...I want it NOW!" Yeah......try listening.

[@holgergevers8264]

J Hask I sometimes like the answer first and the explanation after, depends on the situation really. If one starts with the explanation first sometimes some people feel that they have no traction to what the speaker is saying and don't know where he or she is heading. This lack of direction can cause frustration for some.

[@Project77DM]

even later at 5.15

[@peterosenton8018]

Nice job Esther! It all makes so much sense.

[@worthmyhearts.k.3630]

I've met some agressive people who overuse theit power in a violent way and then, turn out to be low self-esteem. They know they havent built solid steps and lack confidence. But assertive people can be powerful at some points but very flexible at other times. I wish i could become one of them.

[@leagirma9477]

Thank you.

[@ade1963]

Clever, insightful and beautiful

[@aznsolja84]

Wow Amazing!

[@bealiberlin]

Simply amazing

[@antodavenia8688]

Esther I just want to talk you, you’re a genius.

[@mpjme]

This is fantastic. The question circles in on an issue that has plaguing me for my entire life, and I think plagues female/male interaction in general to a massive extent - even if we had some basic education on this we would have much healthier interaction between men and women. I would honestly buy a book on this subject and devour it.

[@stephaniefortney22]

This is so Good, your insight is incredible, thank you Esther…

[@mariolal317]

This video advice was everything. I uploaded it to fcbk and sent to my family and friends.

[@lupitalugo8816]

Wow! Love it! Thank you.

[@Lichfeldian--Suttonian]

This is great information for a non-1950s modern man like me. Great to hear from a woman too.

[@RoyaltyCosmostv]

Thanks so much EP, you are changing me for good

[@m.kkawish2023]

Very timely to me right now right here. Thank you

[@enniairizahtarot3336]

Esther ..The real Queen od Wands ..pure energy ..

[@wak1349]

This is awesome

[@Lionofthelovinggod1]

More and more women need to learn the same lesson. Me included.

[@ashlymchatton1653]

I so love all of your videos. Great advice, and having studied in college the philosophy of sex and relationships I am soooooo grateful for your perspective, I didn't agree with most other that spoke from the place of biology..... just didn't feel right-too many unanswered questions. Can't wait to read your new book!

[@lan.o]

I think you are great Esther! Thanks for good videos.

[@LearningToLove..]

#DOWNLOADED & #SAVED

[@joannelewis8038]

Thank you