Petty Reasons Estranged Parents Give About No Contact.

[@abigailkendrick]

It’s because they are still avoiding accountability at all costs.

[@ErikLeed]

Indeed.

[@sunshinesunflowerz1647]

More responsibility because another word for accountability is: obedience.

[@msdemeanour]

And they always will 👀

[@TheRoseAnthology]

Based on my time with my excellent therapist I liked his explanation as to why they avoid accountability, he called it self preservation. My mom can’t fathom accountability for any of her damaging and abusive choices because it would shake her entire world so she turns away from recognizing any wrong doing to maintain her foundation, her sense of self. I took it a step further by telling him it’s a FALSE sense of self that prevents her from seeing any wrong doing which helps keep myself in check on lying to myself. My favorite line from The Body Keeps Score came from Van Der Kolk’s teacher “the greatest sources of suffering are the lies we tell ourselves.” None of this helps heal the damage done but it does help me understand her as a wounded kid desperate for love, acceptance and approval from her traumatized mom and absent father figure. What all this information does help with is it gives me the perception needed to be the end of this toxic cycle of abuse and neglect. This multigenerational trauma ends with me, my children will know my love and I will protect them from mental and physical abuse which is something my mom can’t say, nor could my grandma say.

[@ayla4686]

A kindred spirit with similar experience..... And exactly the same evaluation of it all..... And MOST important.... Us creating the END❣️ TheE haRDest and most valuable job we have to do ..... Blessings to your journey and your part in changing the world

[@goodgrief888]

They think we’re trying to be spiteful for the past. They don’t understand that we’re trying to protect our future

[@devinl8487]

Yes!

[@darkcreatureinadarkroom1617]

"Why would my child need to protect 'their future' from ME? I'm their loving parent! They think I'm toxic when they have NO idea how my parents treated ME growing up, and I never thought I needed to protect myself from THEM, honestly! And I turned out just fine. Can't really say the same for this generation..." /s just in case Have fun spotting all the cognitive dissonances I could fit in that paragraph lol

[@medicscout3509]

@@darkcreatureinadarkroom1617 damn, word for word similarities to what my folks always say 🤣

[@Darkpheria]

Love this. Gratitude. Many Blessings ❤

[@NinjaStef]

🙌

[@RowanNightshade]

Always blaming the child instead of bad parenting.

[@nathanpetrich7309]

"I read all these parenting books, how could I be a bad parent?" No, you read all those parenting books and you still were a bad parent.

[@youcanstickit]

Yeah, because adult kids never lie. ( Rolling my eyes).

[@pimplequeen2]

"Always blaming the child instead of bad parenting"... A child must grow up eventually and make their own mistakes... Blaming others can be a seductive escape from cresting the conundrum.

[@こなた-m1o]

@@pimplequeen2 it's not an "escape" from anything except the false blame that was heaped onto you as a child when it was the PARENT'S damn job to actually parent, not leave an 8 year old psychologically damaged and emotionally neglected.

[@pimplequeen2]

@@こなた-m1o Who told you life would be all rainbows and bunny rabbits? Its hard for you, hard for parents, hard for everybody. The rainbows and bunny rabbits are on you, its up to you to avoid becoming just one more person crying in the torrent of tears. You admit to being "damaged", so currently you are not what you would consider an optimal person, you are not perfect just like everybody else. Welcome to the club, we saved a seat for you... We are all in a mess, some of us are warm, friendly and forgiving of your error, try not to be cruel to other peoples error and you will be just fine.

[@chunkysocks8121]

It took me being pregnant with my first child for me to see it. My mom was already making comments about my unborn child, and most of them were pretty mean. “i can’t wait for you to have a child just like you so you see what I dealt with.” I never rebelled or did anything crazy as a kid, but I was always punished and told I was a burden. She used to throw my books or clothes in the trash just because they were in her way. I realized that if someone treated my child this way, I’d want to knock them out, so it wasn’t okay when I was a child either. To this day, I refuse to let my mom be around my kids and I have nightmares that she’s chasing us down.

[@liliabenavides4052]

Saw this comment had to check if we were related.

[@ashleybarber4086]

OMG! We had the same life with the same mother. I didn't realize how awful my mom was either until I got pregnant. Then she let all her true colors show. I ended up losing my baby, stillbirth. She fought with me on everything when it came to the funeral arrangements. She ended up getting her way on things because she paid for it while I was still on medication and in a state of shock. She made me hide my pregnancy and the death from a lot of my family members, because she was embarrassed. 🙄 She even complained that she had to spend $50 on the flower arrangement that went on top of my son's 2 ft casket. 🤬 I never got to express how upset I was over that time of my life. I swept it all under the rug. Sixteen years went by and all the feelings came back to me and that's when I finally decided to go no contact. I didn't even feel the need to tell her that that was one of the main reasons why I can't stand her anymore. Going on two and a half years now with no contact. 💪

[@libbybloom3215]

@@ashleybarber4086I’m sorry that this woman even wrote that comment to you because woof 🤦‍♀️

[@JackTheVulture]

​@@technicolorrose5549you made a large assumption to justify the actions of a person in a situation you werent there for. Did you miss the part where the mother complained about paying for flowers? No amount of context makes what this mother did okay. Its the mothers job to apologize and try make it right, not her child. Bringing someone into the world is a PARENTS choice, not something a child owes them for. I don't know your situation, but I hope you have also taken ample time to reflect on your own actions, and consider their effect, not just why you may have taken them. I feel its a good thing for everyone to do. I do wish you healing and happiness, regardless. But this comment is frankly cruel, defensive, and unnecessary. This stranger has chosen to go no contact because their parent made them feel so low that they no longer wish to see them. That is an awful thing for a child to go through, and the right thing to do is respect their decision whether you agree with it or not. I cant imagine a space where it would be appropriate to lecture someone sharing that reason on why they are wrong for their choice, but this certainly isnt it.

[@GreyDryn]

​@technicolorrose5549 thank you for providing a fine example of exactly the kind of behavior Patrick was talking about from toxic, unsafe parents. If missing the point was an Olympic sport, you'd have won gold.

[@KallieMae]

My mom actually looked me in the eye and said “I made ONE mistake and you guys are going to punish me for it for the rest of my life!” She neglected us for YEARS and refused to acknowledge that any of it happened. We’re not punishing her, we learned to live without a mom, because we didn’t have one, and now we just see her as an estranged old woman who keeps telling us our trauma didn’t happen, because we emotionally detached from her. Why would we need that in our lives? My dad (separate household, we went back and forth between the two) was physically abusive, but he came to me and asked what he did wrong, he apologized, and he changed. He showed me he cared about me by helping me out financially a LOT when I never even asked him to. We have a very strong relationship now. Estranged parents need to understand: we are not only willing to forgive, but we WANT to, so badly, so we can move past it and have our parent back again… but you keep us from being able to move on when you pretend it never happened.

[@Isthisjoebiden]

PLEASE say that shit twice for a narcissists in the back

[@FilippaSkog]

YES!! The last part is so true! One of my parents, the abusive one, forced me into no contact by their behaviour. It was eating me alive. The other one, who wasn’t abusive but turned a blind eye while being emotionally stunted themselves, asked what my anger was coming from, listened to my explanation, owned up to it and sincerely apologised. They have since tried and done really well in actively building trust. I have a great relationship with that parent now and admire how much inner work they’ve done. I’d have contact with the first parent if they’d be willing to own up and apologise for what they did. If I got a text today that read something like “I’m seeing a therapist and starting to accept what I’ve done to you and how that must have affected you. I understand it’s hard but I’d love it if you’d let me in again and if we could talk about this. Maybe you could join me in therapy. I really want to fix our relationship. I’m so, so sorry”, I’d be willing to try. Can’t say I’d trust them, but yes. I’d be willing to try.

[@vivdoolan6846]

Truth bombs ....the lack of acknowledgement is they key to it all.

[@claudeyaz]

​@@FilippaSkog I would be very careful though, in case the blind eye parent, goes back to their old ways, mentally prepare yourself for that, just in case,

[@kathrynm.6383]

Yes to ALL of this. We will wipe the slate. They do not recognize the immense power of, "I am sorry. I did the best I could at the time. I was dealing with my own demons and I wish I could have done better. Can we try again?"

[@michaelallen1154]

They can't get the words, "I was abusive, careless, and mean," out of their mouths.

[@yellowpinksnake]

Because they are not going to change:D

[@tihanaharrison6728]

Because they’d never admit it to themselves, let alone someone else.

[@brandyk]

Because they are still abusive, careless and mean. When people have the insight and do the work to change they are much more willing to make ammemds or at least try. It's not just bc they changed n have the insight now,it's that it's some what more psychologically safe as they can kind of say I used to be like this n now I'm like this. They can almost feel like they are a different person in the same way a person who did some really bad things when in the throes of addiction are more likely to acknowledge and express regret for once they are clean for awhile n most people in their lives are remarkably quite forgiving even for things that really don't have much to do with the addiction itself ( or lying and stealing etc) All people have good traits n bad whether they have an addiction or not but the recovering addict often gets a pass for all of it. It's as if they are now an entirely new person,a blank slate. So a parent may feel this way as well. The parent who does not do the work of ef reflection, therapy, radical honesty etc doesn't not make ammemds bc they don't know what they did but rather that that they are still that person. Deep down they know it and more importantly,we know it so getting back in relationship with them is setting ourselves up for more of the same in most cases. It may be good for a little while but soon the cracks will begin to show. I would argue that it can often be even worse bc the parent after some estrangement is now angry at the grown child. They may still want desperately to be in relationship for all sorts of reasons especially if there are grandchildren involved or they feel embarrassed around friends or neighbors etc, but it doesn't remove the anger n resentment they know hold towards their adult child. Now think of what they did n how they treated you when they weren't even particularly angry with you just imagine what they are capable of now. Much of this may even be subconscious but it will rear it's ugly head at some points along the way. A parent of an estranged child should get their own therapy whether they ever reconnect.

[@cristianoliver4447]

A murderer would never admit to murder, its a similar thought pattern. They've gone way too far now to get off that ride. Parents will double down rather than admit all the harm they have done. They spent too many years and resources setting that narrative to admit defeat.

[@lynnmarie1943]

Some can...they are learning too. THEY may have been abused as children....but did not realise that trauma negatively influenced their way of interacting and parenting. The generational cycle is cruel. I respect my adult child for being brave enough to break the generational cylce of emotional abuse...even if it means I cannot be forgiven snd I must suffer so they can be free.

[@Inug4mi]

My mom never understood how unsafe she made me feel around her. Not just in my childhood but during my adulthood as well. Going no contact was the only way I could feel safe from her constant verbal abuse and threats.

[@momo90416]

🎯🎯🎯

[@infplife1637]

She did understand. Making you feel unsafe was the goal.

[@ShintogaDeathAngel]

@@infplife1637 either this or she really was that oblivious. Some people are unbelievably ignorant.

[@Staranaise]

I relate to this. I tried for 48 of my 50 years. I parent me now and I said no more.

[@DebbieLee-dr3hr]

I had to love myself more than my abusive mother.

[@nibbles2734]

My mom couldn't possibly give the real reasons because she "doesn't remember" anything inconvenient.

[@cathycalrow9111]

That's called being in denial.

[@madeleinegrayson8372]

​@@cathycalrow9111or a liar. My mother pulls this crap too.

[@AmyMichelleMosier]

Tell her to get checked out for dementia.

[@thisisjustplainstupi]

@@AmyMichelleMosierit doesn’t help. now my mom has the dementia victim card ready at any moment to validate the past, present and future way she will treat me.

[@jenkneefur1984]

Oh wow we must have the same mom 😅

[@ladyteruki]

Says all you need to know about what they think of their child. It's not just minimizing their actions as parents, it's minimizing the entire thought process of their child : "my kid is so stupid the only think they care about is stupid stuff like how I eat". They don't believe we have an internal life, complex emotions and thoughts, and go through an entire decision making process.

[@patrickteahanofficial]

exactly- like their child has no original thought process of their own

[@ladyteruki]

@@patrickteahanofficial They're convinced they know us better than we know ourselves... but their theory of mind is stuck to the time we were 2.

[@StephieGsrEvolution]

In my case, which I'm sure by far I'm not alone, they never tried to know me. I've never even had a real conversation with them. Instead, they (especially my momster) have dehumanized my late brother and I. They don't lose what they never had or really wanted.

[@karadair9221]

As we were raised. "Children should be seen and not heard." I would amend to "Children should be seen (only IF and WHEN WE want to see you) and not heard."

[@Joy6168]

@@StephieGsrEvolutionexactly! Thank you! Mine still thinks of me as a teenager, when I’ve been an adult for fourteen years!

[@annaburns2865]

Yep, my mom was like, “ you can’t ’no contact’ me, I no contact you!” Ok. Whatever works! 😂

[@steggopotamus]

People like this think literally everything is a competition. This was baffling to me for a long time, because they would take my kindnesses to them personally too. Like, if I do something kind, instead of forming an emotional connection where we build trust, they think "crap, now I don't look like the most generous person" and they try to one up me, or insult me so that they don't feel like they're "losing". I think they also tend to be so obsessed because their world view believes that a hierarchy is the only social structure, and that the person on the top has to/gets to be the most abusive person. Abuse is a fixture of their worldview and they do anything they can to get as high up the heirarchy as possible to protect themselves from that abuse, that's also why they are so abusive, they see abuse as winning the heirarchy. I don't know if this actually applies to you, it's just my most recent theory, but it feels so right in some cases.

[@PatientPerspective]

Sounds like she's trying to play the victim.

[@molly-dp5zv]

It's like being mad at you just because you are mad at me.

[@BronzeDragon133]

Hey, as long as she shut up, who cares!

[@autoteleology]

​@@steggopotamus this is genius

[@ElectronicWhit]

Not just parents, SIBLINGS WILL DO IT TOO, so sad but true

[@KarlaMagnan]

All of mine have😢

[@FoxyUSAx]

Mine too. They sided with her ( the mother who gave birth to us all) and they’re all cosy…I stayed away best decision ever.

[@nakeyagore8356]

True.

[@amagickalmeliss]

The siblings were the first ones I went no contact with. And when the parents tried to force me back into relationship with them- I went no contact with them. It’s been 20 years and I am joyful and filled with peace.

[@elirien4264]

Everyone forgets how shitty siblings can be. Mine were horrible.

[@jenni4claire]

My parents didn't go to my wedding because it didn't coincide with their usual vacation time. THAT'S a petty reason. They were already retired.

[@DaughterofDiogenes]

Dude they can be so damn petty. My mom told me the day before I was presenting a paper, that went on to be published, that was the springboard for my academic career, that she wasn’t going to be present because she had to run a race with her friend. A friend that she tallied about like a dog anytime they weren’t together. A race that happened every year and they’d only done it once before. Yes she was one of the two people I sent an invitation to. I lived with her at the time and talked about it for months. People flew from all around the WORLD to watch thier family members present at this conference. This conference got me my full scholarship to graduate school. But my mom couldn’t attend because she had to be there for her friends to get drunk and scream a lot. I cut her off last week and I feel better already.

[@cathycalrow9111]

​@@DaughterofDiogenesMy parents were never there for me either. If there were two events, with my now adult children or with a friend, my child or grandchild would win every time. As far as I am concerned I don't see enough o myf children or grandchildren but I realise they have to lead their own lives. Every time they let me in, I'm there like a shot. I adore them and it has been a privilege to be their Mum and I don't understand why our toxic parents don't feel the same.

[@tanyacarlyle1422]

I’m very sorry for their horrible behavior

[@tanyacarlyle1422]

@@DaughterofDiogenesThat must have felt horrible. I am so sorry. Proud of you for your accomplishments and for walking away. Be well 🙏

[@Anna-uy7dp]

​@DaughterofDiogenes I will read your paper! I am bursting with joy at the thought of your stellar accomplishments. And proud of you for cutting off the dead weight. It hurts but it's worth it. The feeling of the 'phantom limb' will probably be more present & felt than she ever was. Maybe being the daughter of a Narcissistic 'mother' could be compared to climbing Everest without oxgyen. They leave you gasping for air. I'm sure you're intelligent enough to know this but as the 'no contact' continues, as you continue being your own amazing self without her, thriving without the burden that was being s/mothered by her, it's highly likely she'll steal your air in increasingly vitrolic, vengeful, spiteful ways. Don't let her steal your thunder. They don't like being 'shown up'. They can not tolerate our happiness - or allow it. They'd rather see us fall. Don't feel guilty for placing value on your self. Your worth it... (a basic tennant that healthy mothers teach their daughters) x

[@DaughterofDiogenes]

I just went no contact with my mom last week. I’m 44 and realized that she and my husband I’m currently trying to leave are basically the same people. If I’m getting rid of one I have to get rid of them both. She told me everything i said happened to me as a child was a lie. I couldn’t move past that so I had to let her go

[@eppyvonpeppy5213]

Omg I'm so sorry..this has happened to me. Sometimes you end up dating, married to the same type of abusive person that raised you. Recognizing and moving on brings awareness to breaking those patterns. Congratulations to moving forward and taking action 🎉

[@alexandrachapman5134]

I left my mom first, back in 2021. It took me a couple more years to regain myself enough to leave "little mama," a person that I attached to as a teenager (in an attempt to differentiate from mommy). I feel far more relief now than either guilt or shame for having rid myself of them both, their disdain for me, and their persistent general negativity. I realize now that despite their professed disdain and downright dislike or even hatred of me, they never left me, and they never would have. They liked having me around because they liked using me as their scapegoat. They continue to seek me out not because they want to help me feel better, or because they miss the sound of my laughter or my brilliant mind, but because they want their scapegoat back.

[@medicscout3509]

​​@@alexandrachapman5134 I experienced the same thing. They don't want you to leave, but they hate you. Yet they completely dehumanize you and the moment you choose to leave, they pull out every trick in the book to make you stay. It's almost as if they like the byproduct of their abuse: low self esteem. Some really nasty people have admitted they purposely hang out with those they deem beneath them so that they feel better, god-like even. Wouldn't you prefer to not be around someone you didn't like? 😅 I don't understand any of it lmao it's so stupid

[@romantic_hippie]

My dad ALWAYS said everything was a lie that I made up 🙄 shit pisses me off so much

[@darleenmcclung9615]

Sorry your were not being heard. 🙏

[@nothingthere3959]

Yeah. Heard some woman complaining how her adult child went no contact because "she made the child brush teeth regularly". Lol. Such ridiculous nonsense. That child apparently even told her that the reason was "being robbed of childhood". But that person is not capable to understand what that means or place herself in the child's shoes, so she just repeats some basic care things she did "for the child" to make it look as if the child is completely crazy to react that way, and get easy validation from people who like to sigh "kids this days".

[@molly-dp5zv]

And the easy validation of they are "perfect" and how we were just "spoiled."

[@randomcrap4230]

My mom did the same to me. I went NC last fall and blocked her everywhere else, so she flooded my email with really abusive letters calling me names, telling me I couldn't survive or support myself without her (lol...I have literally been working multiple jobs and paying my bills AND hers since I was 16), I'm the worst person who ever lived, blah blah blah. When I kicked her out last fall, I told her she was my first bully and I'm not putting up with that treatment anymore because I value my mental health and peace. So she mocked that in every email with stuff like "I was your first bully? Really?? Because I wanted you to brush your teeth and do your homework?" And then proceeded to bully me more IN THE SAME EMAIL, calling me names, telling me I'm worthless without her, etc. they truly are delusional. It's wild. 😂

[@HomeFromFarAway]

​@@randomcrap4230if you can take proof luke this to a lawyer you can get a cease and desist letter. it's one step away from a restraining order but a very useful bully-blocker

[@AgnesJanssen-b6x]

The point the seem to miss completely is they make a complete fool of themselves. I mean: who actually believes that his own child would end contact because he made him brush his teeth? So, yeah, go ahead, tell everyone I left because I was too lazy to come visit you or I just couldn't be bothered spending time with you. Cause that's why kids leave, right? Not because you had an alcohol-addiction, expected me to be your confidante about my father (your husband) from the age of 8, unless he came home, cause then you wanted me to act like nothing was the matter. And I had to figure everything out for myself, because you were too busy drinking and feeling sorry for yourself. No, that can't be it, it must be the "can't-be'bothered"-thing

[@mykidsaresupercute]

Yes, I’ve seen these people a lot online. I’m in groups for both narcissistic parents and children (I have two narcissist step children and both my parents were as well). Most of the parents in my group are the ones who go no contact, for legitimate reasons. But once in a while we get a parent who’s complaining about being cut off, not invited to a wedding, not allowed to babysit the grandkids, etc, and it’s usually for ridiculous reasons. I’ll challenge them on it “your explanation doesn’t make sense” and they lose it! The narcissism shows. They came to the group to play victim and they aren’t getting what they want 😂

[@nathalieduverna6963]

No contact, for me, is because nobody is willing to talk about past trauma. AND she is extremely self centered and selfish as to why I won't bring my children to visit her....... You're correct Patrick

[@Parakeetfriend4215]

Protecting your children, top priority.

[@thevocalcrone]

an FYI that is the way they were raised.. my mother used to say "yesterday is spilled milk". or 'yesterday is but a bucket of ashes'. so they are doomed to repeat patterns. they are selfish.. and you just learn (if you want to break trauma cycles), to shrug it off. She's selfish wants it all on her terms, thats okay.. you can hang up the phone or just go when you feel like it and leave when you feel like it. You are an adult no one can make you do anything that you don't want to do. Just be aware of role modelling - the way you treat your parents is how your children will treat you. Patrick in my professional opinion .. is a bit of a goose and not giving empowering messages but rather perpetuating the myth of victim hood. "I can't see my parents because i've /I am a victim of their abuse'.. as opposed to .. I will lead by example, visit them on my terms and conditions and i don't need to be vocal when I do it. I just do it.

[@nathalieduverna6963]

​@@thevocalcronereading this was confusing. I believe Patrick only gives a small bit of advice. We don't see what he does in his full sessions. He also promotes how to heal instead of sitting in pain and constantly living in the past. My children will treat me the way I treated them. Because if that's the case I'd still be running behind my abusive mother like my mother is still running behind hers. Going no contact also prevents me from absorbing ANYTHING from short visits or visits on " my terms". I was emotionally neglected by a woman who took me from my father who would have been there when I needed him and more. The way she was raised affected me deeply and I choose no contact because I'm able to function in peace

[@nathalieduverna6963]

​@@thevocalcroneno contact is for me, not her. She had a chance to be my mother and she refused for over 18 yrs. Also, when people came in my life to help me she'd go to them and make false claims about how a "therapist" told her I shouldn't have kids. A person like this doesn't deserve visits from me she deserves a psychiatric visit

[@thevocalcrone]

@@nathalieduverna6963 thats your mother, your experience and your story.. it doesn't make it the same for everyone. thats why i say - get over your mother issues and stop projecting and transferring them onto others when you don't know their story.

[@EXSwitchback]

I was recently in a domestic violence case where my older sibling (we're both fully-grown adults) punched and actually bit me. My mother was witness to it all. I did not fight back. When I phoned the police which my parent begged me not to do, they then refused to give a witness statement, even twisting the assault to say they didn't know if I fought back or not. To say they don't want to get involved, then still 'help' my older sibling, was enough for me. No care, no compassion, no second-thought to your child who got assaulted. Once I leave my country I'm never coming back.

[@fatuusdottore]

My mum did something similar with my brother and I. To his credit, he no longer is violent, but the fact she failed me all those years and sees it as "choosing between her children" is hesrtbreaking.

[@olilumgbalu5653]

Your comment cut off. Are you and your sibling both male or female? I'm assuming your mom took the side of your sibling (attacker).

[@celisewillis]

It's awful they treated you that way. I'm so sorry they put you through that. Hope you can get a fresh start in your new home.

[@EXSwitchback]

@@celisewillis Thank you. I'm in the USA now. Finally got my visa processed legally. I try to understand my mother's POV but things will never quite be the same. They've hurt me too much over the years by outright neglect they're mostly unaware of.

[@elirien4264]

Sounds like my mother and brother. He was abusive and she turned a blind eye to it all.

[@kimsvisualdiary]

They can remember the petty shit but when it comes to the serious stuff suddenly their memories fail them.

[@amylink7199]

Mine just say that I’m angry. They don’t know why. I’m just an angry person 🤷‍♀️.

[@angief1539]

Sounds very familiar. “ Angry and difficult “ 🙄

[@davidestabrook5367]

Abuse will do that, make you angry. Then you get punished, and told the abuse is your fault, caused by your inappropriate behaviour.

[@maripytta22]

My mum does that too. Saying I'm temperamental and she doesn't understand why I act like that. She'll especially say it when I've recently told her how she crossed my boundaries.

[@ThePancakeJedi]

'So how did we get here'. I love that phrase.

[@ThePancakeJedi]

@@davidestabrook5367 Indeed. Gaslighting, invalidation, shame and blame.

[@peacefulgrotesque1510]

"Sorry I wasn't the perfect mother!" As if "perfection" was the standard she fell short of, not "basic competency."

[@luminyam6145]

When we have patients (geriatric rehab) who say their children don't talk to them, that's a red flag for us. But usually these patients are not able to keep up the facade and we know what they are long before they tell us their children don't talk to them.

[@dalailarose1596]

That's really interesting! I've heard a couple nurses in palliative care talk about how some of their patients with estranged children seem really nice. But they don't know who they were as parents, when they had all the control in the relationship. They only know them now, when they're the ones who are vulnerable.

[@Eliza_sun]

Let me tell you, as a parent going through this and having the opportunity to even be in my children’s presence again is a gift. To ever be petty and put my head in the sand again would be the biggest slap in their faces. I’ve been given a second chance and I’ll forever be grateful. There were days that I had my own pity parties but I learned really quickly that there was no one at my party. I’m so proud of my adult children for holding the line and demanding better. I will always admire the strength it took for them to ensure their safety as I had to learn to break away and free from the toxic abusive life I was living. I’ve been sober for a few years now and I thank my children for saving me. To ever hear a parent minimize a child’s pain is not only a reminder of my own childhood but a reminder of what I put my own children through. The pain may not have been our fault but the healing is our responsibility. I’ll spend the rest of my life with consequences and that’s ok. We are not entitled to a relationship with our children. They were given to us as a gift. It’s that simple.

[@Sparrow0514]

God bless you ❤

[@trishreadysetgo]

❤

[@MaybeitsclusterB]

As human to human, I'm proud of you. As an alcoholic with 10 years in sobriety, it does get easier but also harder. It gets easier to stay dry, but harder to thrive in sobriety. In active addiction, we have a purpose, a cause to champion. We have a reason to wake up. Our reason is the substance of choice. Our daily purpose is getting that substance, consuming that substance, then planning for more of that substance. We structure our whole lives around it. That drive is strong. The hard part of recovery is finding a purpose , a cause, that sustains us.

[@Eliza_sun]

@ thank you. I will say that the moment that I ever stepped foot into the rooms of AA (and I went as support, not for myself) I quickly learned that emotional sobriety is far more than substance. I can stay sober from substances but can I handle my emotions in such a way that isn’t simply a dry addict? It’s hard. I definitely have found that to be my biggest struggle, and the very reason I ever posted this. I’m still scared to have tough conversations with my adult children because they are so hurt, so defensive and can act just as I did for so long. I find myself getting triggered right back to square one. Sobriety is a battle. Always will be. And I pray I stay the course.

[@Setsunako6587]

Underrated comment. Good for you!

[@oc5939]

So true. We'll never be able to control the narrative that the abuser tells the world. They'll always characterize the situation to skirt responsibility and make themselves look better. Not easy to accept but necessary for our own well-being and path forward.

[@momo90416]

So true. The only way I've found to cope with the insanity of that my own parents did this to me - and continue to - is to tell myself "they are mentally ill, it isn't about me or anything I've done or deserve".

[@cathycalrow9111]

​@@momo90416Remember they are the problem, not you.

[@charissecrenshaw1577]

“We’ll never be able to control the narrative that the abuser tells the world.” I want to make this into a poster for my room and then a billboard. Wow, are these words to live by.

[@chelseabunker2391]

@@momo90416 💯

[@brandyk]

​@@momo90416 if they are not actually mentally ill I would suggest another way of framing this to help you cope better for now. I don't think it's helpful to put labels on people without knowing. I can say that this works both ways. I have seen n heard many parents label their grown child as mentay I'll and even take solace if they should ever get a diagnosis ( whether legit or not) as in the mind or those they tell it's a way of saying "See, this is why we don't get along" It's important to always look at words n deeds not labels.

[@ericakrueger8438]

Disrespecting boundaries, refuse to accept responsibility, refuse to accept or diminish traumatic events, and continued traumatizing behaviors are why I've gone no contact.

[@HWP_WheelieSim]

I've endured emotional, physical, and sexual abuse, yet my mother acts like she deserves "Mother of the Year" award.

[@irshikha]

This is soothing to the part that needs validation. 😌

[@Heterogeneity]

Hear hear. ❤ My self doubt about no contact is a river deep and wide but sometimes videos like this help me see the other shore.

[@bumblebee5990]

Beautiful insight.

[@AdamNPDSurvivor]

I went no contact as a teen (I'm 51 now) without even knowing what no contact was at the time. I moved out at 16 and I avoided my parents like the plague. I just didn't have the headspace for them in my life as all they did was cause so much trauma within me when I needed them most - as a child. My Father died in 2016 and my Mother died in 2020. I am now free.

[@bernadette573]

I left an abusive home in my early teens and lived on friends couches and with a social worker, and referred to it as a Long Time Out. My parents did become decent humans in their later years and we did reconcile though it remained painful to see how wonderful they were as grandparents. Hurts a lot to see all I missed. I hope you do well.

[@oOIIIMIIIOo]

​@@bernadette573The thing is that the parents role and grandparents role is different from the getgo. Thry are not parenting your children, they are grandparenting. They would have handled them the same in the parent role. Maybe that helps. 🙂

[@SusanKG]

My mother told people that my therapist brainwashed me. My dad believed I joined a cult. Those were their reasons for my cut off.

[@sourgreendolly7685]

I'm sure my mother says something similar. I decided I was done the day she told me she doesn't believe mental illness exists. I never had a therapist suggest not speaking to her, I came to that conclusion on my own after 2 decades of trying to figure out what I was doing wrong trying to communicate with her only for her to say that. She made it clear that she finds the idea of working on herself so absurd, that the very concept of therapy is a scam to her.

[@solveigrose5537]

My parents tried to keep me from therapy by telling me, 'just take the pills' Yeah. But no.

[@harmonygirl327]

My mother said my therapist brainwashed me and threatened to sue her. The most painful part was then the therapist dropped me as a patient, with no notice or referral. I was only 20 then, dealing with this for less than 2 years. Nevertheless, I went no-contact at age 22. I'm 55 now and my mother passed, my father might or might not be alive. Both abused me, so no-contact continues.

[@evbemma33]

Thats why I didnt tell my parents I started my theraphy and why I it started. (Because of my alcoholic father and mother with narcisstistic traits and anger)

[@justjosie8963]

The parents I've heard mention it, claim to have absolutely no idea why their adult child won't have anything to do with them.

[@Shines-On]

Same! They know why!

[@OffGridInvestor]

Because they won't accept they done anything wrong

[@CloudslnMyCoffee]

Look at them telling on themselves like that

[@cacatr4495]

The operative/key word being "claim." They refuse to be truthful and they know why.

[@saragates2255]

Yes. I've found myself trying to imagine my mother's excuse for why I've gone NC with her and the only thing I DO know is it's NOT the real reason I did. She's made up something that fits her fantasy as the perfect parent and me, the ungrateful daughter. Even though the last thing I said to her was, "Things have happened that made me not trust you. I want to heal our relationship, but in order to do that we will have to talk about some of these things, and when you're ready to make that phone call... I'm ready to accept it." Never heard from her again, but I can promise she doesn't go around telling the world "My daughter went NC with me because I don't accept accountability for my choices." It's devastating and yet humorous in its ridiculousness all at once.

[@silvanacastilla]

They will avoid accountability and going out of the perfect mom fantasy at all cost

[@laurelarchambault4936]

Im the mother, my son and i haven’t gone officially no contact but aren’t in each others life’s right now. I wasn’t the mother I could or should have been 38 years ago. 30 years ago i got clean and sober turned my life around. I did it for my son when i saw my life was ruining his,sought counceling got deep into NA did my steps 4&7 told my son and family the exact nature of my wrongs, made amends and have talked to my son honestly and openly how truly sorry i am for his rotten early years. I thought we were very close other people would tell you how close he and I were. Flash ahead to now. I dont see my grandkids now because my DIL holds my past against me now which i just found out why she hasn’t spoken to me in 15 years. He’s kept this to himself all this time. ( her hatered of me)Shes turned my grandkids against me, filling their heads with poison weaponizing them against me and i refuse to be in pictures for this reason. I still see therapist and ive done everything i can to rectify my past but DIL refuses to see ive been redeemed. My son is going along with it to keep the peace at home shes the mother of his children afterall. Sometimes you do all the things you’re supposed to do and your son forgives you but story not fairybook ending still much heartache and pain, DIL wont let healing keep happening it stays fresh. I have to live my life alone without them now seems like I’m still paying the price for the past even though i threw myself to the coals acknowledging all my wrongs asked for forgiveness but in the end today its not enough for some people. Id do anything for my son i miss them terribly

[@tanyacarlyle1422]

I’m honoring you and all the work you have done. 🙌 💕 I am truly sorry your DIL is lacking in so many ways and has hurt you so deeply. Also very hard when your own child is complicit in the allowance. 🙏 🙏

[@StephieGsrEvolution]

​@@laurelarchambault4936It still sounds like you just want the past to be put away, but it still lives in your son. Amends and atonement are not a 12 step and done process. As I'm sure you know, the ongoing steps 10-12 are continuing process for a reason. Not to mention the 12 steps do not touch the deep seated shame and trauma. That's for major outside work, which it sounds like you're trying to do. I'm sure you are genuinely sorry and have done a lot of reflection. But the damage was done and you must still deal with those consequences. Your son is still dealing with those consequences. Maybe that's what your DIL knows. She has the relationship with him at a much different intimate level. His choice of being lower contact with you cannot and should not be blamed on her.

[@AvaEFF]

Isn’t it funny how a lot of times they’re the ones cutting contact with US? We simply set a boundary of “this is the circumstances in which I feel safe being around you. I want to be around you, but you need to respect these boundaries.” And then they are actually the ones who just stop contacting us. My boundary was my parents were no longer allowed to have one holiday celebration outside their home (restaurant or whatever) with their 3 LGBTQ children and one in their home with their 3 non-lgbtq children and grandchildren. They were to invite everyone as a family all at once or my husband and I would not be attending. Have not been invited to a single thing since.

[@wellnessotr]

So true! It speaks to the misunderstanding that the parents have about their children, in the first place.

[@cacatr4495]

It's not a "misunderstanding." The parents refuse to be truthful about the causes they know, which would entail them taking responsibility for their behavior and choices. They aren't going to do that.

[@Octobris]

"I have no idea why there's so much hatered in you" - one of my family members who contacted me about a year ago with the news of my grandfather dying, when I had gone NC 5 years ago and specifically stated that I do not wish to know anything about any member of the family moving forward, including births, deaths or illnesses. They really think I'm hateful for no reason. They really think they did nothing wrong and I chose having virtually no support and loneliness because I'm petty. A testament to how my voice has never had any value, even now.

[@olilumgbalu5653]

People who abuse and torture others act so surprised when they create hatred in that person and that hatred is directed specifically at them (the abuser/torturer).

[@dominique7269]

Well you are heard and believed on this side. All the best to you.

[@cacatr4495]

It's testament to their dishonesty! It's not about you, it's about their lying. They refuse the truth, and the responsibility for their behavior and choices. They're serial liars. Their false pride/ego is far more important to them than their children or the truth or their integrity.

[@terridillon3053]

Narcs are the petty ones We didn’t leave over something petty We left to save our lives and souls

[@kristin1533]

For me, I told them I needed to be treated with dignity and respect. Demanded it, in fact.

[@kiraoshiro9251]

​@@kristin1533oh, how dare you demand some human decency. how dare..

[@AZ-ty7ub]

I needed to hear this. I've just gone no contact with my father and even though he's lost his chance at a relationship with me, I still feel guilt and doubt. Thank you.

[@Kristen10-22]

I went no contact with both parents 10-11yrs ago. You aren’t alone in those feelings. I went no contact to protect my mental health, to b the best wife & mom I could. Your dad won’t change unfortunately nor will your inner child be validated. It’s hard, it’s lonely, you miss them because it wasn’t “all” bad… I tried low no contact however boundaries kept being disrespected. It’s almost like being an orphan. You aren’t alone. I still feel like u

[@Kristen10-22]

Try hard not to ask “why” The “why” doesn’t matter We know why Sending ❤

[@nathalieduverna6963]

This is normal. I felt guilty but why did you go no contact?? This helps with the guilt. Good luck

[@DWSP101]

Is there a free childhood trauma group I could join?

[@NaomiSims-w5g]

​. You won't get the real help you need in a support group only, but it can be a good place to start. You might identify with one of the 12 step groups. I joined codependents anonymous (CODA) which helped me tremendously in the beginning. All the 12 step groups offer a safe place to open up (altho it's hard to open up in the beginning), with no pressure or judgement to do so ever. I had great difficulty "working the steps", because I just wasn't ready for that part. However, there was never any pressure or judgement over that either. You can just sit in meetings, & listen if you want, & get up & leave whenever you want. It took me awhile until I felt comfortable enough to "share". Groups that meet in person often go out for coffee together after meetings, so you can get to know group members, but that isn't required either. Look on line for 12 step meetings in your area.

[@christinecraze]

I wont ever do this, but years back, when i walked away, I would have loved to have posted on my facebook page, " Ask ME why I went no contact" There are other sides to the story. And Ive also wanted to ask those who believed her, "So why did you choose to blindly accept my mothers reasons, knowing how she was, the way she manipulated people?". The answer is, they really didnt give a crap how she was treating me, as long as it wasnt them. It was my own fault for sticking around as long as i did. Being 10 years older and more older than me,they knew better, yet provided no primer to help their younger siblings out. They just watched it all from the sidelines. That, I have found, was the most difficult pill to swallow.

[@Ginabina76]

I just got into it with my aunt/Godmother about this with my mother. I said here i am, trying to unscrew what my mother has done and honestly, all you adults all my life who just let my mother behave like she had all these years...instead of telling me to stop it and remember my Commandments , tell me good job defending myself and my family, good job at least trying to break the cycles other adults didnt. Lol that was a very interesting convo lol. Ive been told, oh its your mother, we know something serious happened for you to go nc...that sucks to be honest because i say no. I don't accept that answer. Grow some balls and do something about it. These adults are older then me for crying out loud. Im sorry you deal with this all, im in this boat with you💙

[@RockAndRose]

It has helped me to realize that my siblings have a very different relationship with my mother than I did. This may or may not apply to your situation, but when I realized that, it helped a great deal. We don't have to reconcile our stories because they're not reconcilable. I'm fine with my sisters having the perspective of my mother that they do, and the longer I have gone between contacting my mother or even talking about her with my other siblings, the more peaceful I feel about it. It's a hard one to let go when you want to be validated, but a good part of the reason you're doing this in the first place is because you've been completely invalidated on many levels. So unfortunately, you're not going to get any validation on this, and hoping for it or trying to get it it's just putting yourself back in that same no-win situation. I wish there was some endorphin pushing 'YEAH! Go you!' at the end of it, but they're just isn't. I think of it as removing a bunch of trash from the corner of my yard. It's not that suddenly my yard is filled with flowers and butterflies, but at least I don't have a pile of trash in it. The next step is to figure out what you want to do with the blank slate of you!

[@PassionateFlower]

It's so hard to have siblings who side with the abusive parent(s)❤️‍🩹My older sister always takes my abusive narcissistic father's side over standing up together with me against him and it is a huge betrayal trauma for me. Sometimes I think about the Prince of Egypt movie based on the book of exodus with Moses and ramses. I know the real stpry is a lot more convoluted but in the movie they depict the two as brothers both raised by Pharoah but grew up to have drastically different views of him. And it just helps me realize I can't change that my sister idolized my father just like Moses can't change Ramsey's mind to stop idolizing his Pharoah father Seithi, the slave owner and mass child m*rderer. Sometimes you just gotta let people d*e on the hills they want to rot on, even "family"💔

[@dcone54321]

​@@RockAndRose❤️ Beautifully put! Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I especially liked the getting the trash out of the yard analogy! Great way to think about it.

[@tjkasgl]

Out of my 3 siblings, 9 aunts and uncles, 4 grandparents, and 40 cousins only one aunt asked me what happened with my mom. I told her. Her response was, "Oh wow. I believe you .... Remember posting a few months ago how excited you were that your sister called you? Yeah, she accidently called you and you answered before she could hang up." Then she hung up. That's when I realized all of the adults in my childhood were toxic. Well, all but one of my aunts, they all attack her and blame her for their problems.

[@diobrando_2.02]

This is spot on. I've had people approach me on behalf of my parents to try to reconnect us. They always approach cautiously, and expect me to blow up at them about their religious beliefs. When I calmly explain the situation to them, treat them with politeness and honesty, and reassure them I see beauty in every religion, it's always an immediate reaction of confusion and shock for them to see I'm not at all who my parents described and that the reasons I don't speak to them are much more personal than they expected. Our narcissistic parents might lie about why we went no contact, but that illusion falls apart the second someone meets us.

[@MsLenepigen]

It really says a lot about how utterly oblivious they are due to their severe lack of empathy.

[@FloralLife02]

Going no-contact isn't some spontaneous decision we made out of the blue, it's actually a very hard decision, a very well thought out decision that took a lot of time, and a lot of heartache. This decision brought me so much grief for the first couple of months, but I'm glad I pulled through. I'm much happier now. My parents had caused me so much unnecessary pain, so much worry, I had enough. My marriage is 100× better now thanks to me making this decision not only for me but also for my family. Nobody asked for bad parents, and we owe them nothing.

[@jennacallahan1]

Exactly, it wasn’t done lightly and took most of us wayyyy too long to actually make the decision. Same for me with my religion I was handed as a baby. I left it and my mother said “oh yeah I bet you just watched one KZbin video” when she has acknowledged in the past how I do my research on things. It took me my entire life to walk away from that, and my toxic family. They probably say similar things like I just got mad about some stupid petty thing. It’s so sad, but I have no doubts her mask slips with others.

[@sylviarippey6488]

I've been estranged from my extremely abusive mother and sisters for 8 years. I've never felt safer emotionally, mentally, physically, or spiritually. I plan on never seeing them again.

[@ag0raph0bia_]

I will never stop being grateful for the fact that my father has said he’s sorry. That he’s told me he’s messed up, and that he’s sorry he can’t fix it. Parents who make excuses are protecting themselves. They are helping themselves at the expense of their children.

[@severus9785]

I'm a no contact kid, and when people tell me their kids won't talk to them, I cut off any possible relationships working or otherwise with that person. Massive red flag.

[@sanjosemike3137]

I understand. But it might be a real blessing if you TOLD those people how to apologize and repent. They may not hear it from anyone else. They may still have a chance before their children go "completely" away from contact or notification. Sanjosemike (no longer in CA)

[@arcturianoracle784]

I feel the same exact way. Especially when they talk about it as if they are the victim of a lifetime of dealing with a “horrible child.” I’m like you’re literally showing me in real time why they don’t wanna talk to you/someone who thinks like that about them.

[@strawbunny93]

This doesn't always mean that person was a bad parent. Sometimes when couples divorce one parent will try to demonize the other and turn their children against them, even if they were equally to blame for the marriage going wrong.

[@rachelcookson3492]

As the mom of a daughter who decided to stop having contact with me 2 yrs ago, I’d love to sit down and have a conversation about my daughter’s feelings and thoughts. We were sooo close, I raised her and her brother with little help from her father who she now lives with. My son and I are still very very close, she won’t talk to him either, he said he doesn’t understand her and why she’s doing this to me. I just need to understand what I’ve done wrong and although I can’t change the past, I can acknowledge I’m far from perfect and have made mistakes. I want my daughter whom I love unconditionally back as we were, but if she chooses this estrangement then I can walk away for her sake. But my heart and door will forever stay open unconditionally as is my love for her.

[@sanjosemike3137]

@@rachelcookson3492 Your daughter may be deeply involved with the “Drama Triangle.” I don’t have enough room to explain it in this post, but you can look it up. When people get immeshed in the Drama Triangle, they don’t understand the nature of “victimhood.” Your estranged daughter may not understand why she has adopted victimhood. I’m not saying that being a “victim” is always in error. (Adult children who were abused as children certainly were victims.) But once you “graduate” into adulthood, it is time to stop playing all those abuse “tapes” in your mind. You’re just repeating your abuse. Obviously I have no idea why your daughter is no-contact. But it would certainly help for her to learn about the “Karpman Drama Triangle. You too. That knowledge may give you some peace. I certainly hope so. If both of you learn and understand it, that knowledge can create new bridges. Thinking and hoping for you! Sanjosemike (no longer in CA)

[@michellelysien5739]

These people will never look at the REALITY OF THEIR ACTIONS

[@pimplequeen2]

Have you looked at yours? looking at my own reflection, I was full of error and blind-spots, just like they are/were.

[@こなた-m1o]

@@pimplequeen2 there's a difference between a child and a parent... you realize that right

[@pimplequeen2]

@@こなた-m1o We have all been children, yes? Have you been a parent and were you perfect, did you have angst or error handed to you that you passed along in error. Its easy to be perfect in principle, reality is a little more complex. If you are nothing but perfect, I suspect you would know this but you seem not to do. Blind spot maybe?

[@gojiberry7201]

"They won't acknowledge ... abuse." DING DING DING. When I came forward about being molested by my brother as a child, my mother told me that by talking about it I was being "unkind" to her, and she named her friends and relatives individually that I was being "unkind" to, and finally wailing, "What are people going to think of me?" I never even mentioned her. Apparently she's now telling people, "I have no idea why she's not talking to us."

[@oOIIIMIIIOo]

You are disturbing their lalaland with reality. How dare you. 🤷🙂

[@thesehandsart]

They abandoned me and my child after my illness interrupted their lives, now after going through homelessness, reclaiming my mental health and that of my child i just got a phone call and am email about one of them being ill in the hospital... The complete lack of any self awareness is disgusting. Seriously? I just don't even know how to reply to someone like that...

[@abigailkendrick]

That’s exactly how my father and his side of the family is/was. He totally abandoned me as a child but now I have to hear about his illness in his old age. Zero self awareness.

[@Justine-ut8ho]

Sending support and love to you as you decide to hold your boundaries. Your serenity, sanity, and stability trumps anything they could be going through. ❤

[@HomeFromFarAway]

​@@Justine-ut8hoI read comments like this to keep me going. thank you

[@Justine-ut8ho]

@@HomeFromFarAway You got it! All my support from Houston Tx!!!! 💜❤️💜❤️

[@olly8]

You do YOU! If it will make YOU feel better going to see them..then go. But if you're "people pleasing"...enforce your boundaries. ❤ I am sending you positive energy and clarity. So sorry they don't recognize YOU have needs too. Blessings 🌹from someone who hears you

[@TheRealFurrBoi]

I’m the Scapegoat and they call me the Narcissist. No one else in my life agrees; the ones that live with me, or the friends that don’t. No contact is the best thing that ever happened to me.

[@grmpEqweer]

Projection is a funny thing.

[@taracat7723]

No one rver said "Im Sorry"..thats all I ever wanted.

[@reginafromrio]

Yep. My mom told my extended family I "defamed" her. A bunch of other stuff like "cps called the only time I abused her" ( although abuse went on for years until a friend saw the bruises and called in high school. I was good at hiding them. Absolutely NO accountability.

[@Savvynomad225]

My dad generalizes his role in neglect and psychological abuse. He expects me to self abandon and ignore reality, so no contact had to happen because I need safe reliable connections, not make believe.

[@rebecca_stone]

What people need to know is that the grief and guilt over this never fully goes away for us adult children. It can make me feel sick at times, at other times, I miss the good parts of my parents so so badly. But the proof is in the pudding re whether it's the correct decision. My healing and self-belief, inner wholeness and acceptance - all progressed at turbo-speed. I have a peace and acceptance I didn't know was possible before. That still doesn't make it an easy decision. It's never going to be fully OK - how could anyone honestly want to orphan themselves unless they had no other choice.

[@randomcrap4230]

My mom is just convinced she was June Cleaver and i must have read a random book that brainwashed me into cutting her off. It couldnt possibly be the 3 decades of being screamed at and called names on nearly a daily basis, told my very existence is an inconvenience to her, the hitting, the killing my pets as punishment, triangulating every family member against me (and also me against every family member), body shaming me as a teenager when i have had a full blown eating disorder since i was 9, and whistle training me like a dog from a very young age to be her servant and caretaker constantly...among MANY other things. I have some of this on video and audio recording and she will STILL act like she has no idea what im talking about or why i would be mad. 😂

[@allib9742]

Sometimes when I run on the treadmill, really just let go and run, I deeply think about how much I hate my mother. Have been healing for years in recovery from my parents, I am better off amputating gangrene than festering death. "Am I mad that I should cherish that which bears but bitter fruit. I will pluck it from my bosom though my heart be at the root." Tynneson Locksley Hall

[@Subb30]

When I went no contact birth mom started warning anyone she could about me - "watch out she'll just cut you off for no reason." The siblings told people "she's mad because mom put a bag of ice in the wrong place after helping her unload the trunk." 20+ years of being the scapegoat. As a child- the recipient of all the eye popping spitting rage attacks, sabotage, deprivation, physical abuse, reputation ruined, every friend or boyfriend lied to till they hated me, didn't protect me when she knew I was being abused by another...starved, frozen, denied medical care.... I don't even know what this thing is with the ice. It's incredible how her community still circles the wagons around her. And believes I'm the predator. I did the right thing for myself, my teenagers don't know her but they know the truth about her

[@silvanacastilla]

Well done!

[@OffGridInvestor]

That ice thing has to be the most ridiculous petty crap ever made up. I think anyone with a brain would see that there's GOT TO BE more to the story

[@R3stingBishFac3Barbi3]

Well done. You did the right thing. ❤Sending you big hugs from one mom breaking the cycle to another.

[@Wednesdaywoe1975]

Sometimes I think the flying monkeys are worse. Narcs have a personality disorder--what's their damn excuse?

[@Mo-zr3hh]

I’m not going to lie, I’m partly following Patrick because it helps me heal from past trauma, but I’m also learning a lot about which mistakes NOT to make while raising my two children. I’m not gonna lie, I haven’t been a perfect parent. Co-dependency is a real bitch! But damn am I doing everything in my power to be the best parent I can be to my kids! Doing therapy on myself so I can see my blind spots and learn more and more about better parenting ❤ You all here deserve so much love and support! And I wish you all the best on your journey 🩷

[@Mo-zr3hh]

@@ROYALRAT123 Your words mean a lot me to me, thank you 🙏🏻 And bless you!! 💫💜✨

[@missmoth2588]

I went, no contact with my mother because she let my father abuse me because while he was mentally, physically, and sexually abusing me he wasn't doing it to her. He would never talk about it. I didn't speak to her for 15 years before she died and she told people so many lies about why I wouldn't see her.

[@RodrigoRamirez-eq6gj]

No contact with either. Father says it's because I'm like my mother, mother says it's because I'm like my father. 😆

[@misspat7555]

Yeah, that sounds about right! 🤣😅🫠

[@EagerMarshmallows]

That's gold! 😅😅 Wishing you the best!

[@ChristopherBorum-se5dc]

Pfft

[@zondreab6689]

yep!

[@Mike-sj9si]

Yep. They say, "He moved out at a young age before he had enough money or a good enough job because we weren't letting him live the crazy lifestyle he was trying to live." I had a very uneventful life. No drugs, hardly any alcohol, a small group of wonderful friends, school, a normal waiter job at a decent restaurant. They had trouble letting me leave the house, even for school or work, even at very regular hours of the day. It became a huge issue where I felt trapped in my own house (among other issues). So now I peacefully live my crazy, erratic lifestyle of working, coming home, and hanging out with my friends once in awhile!

[@beingilluminous]

I’ve been laying low, only responding when needed too-and that was after the barrage of attention grabbing attempts. For now, I’m at peace because of SO MANY SURVIVORS reclaiming their sense of selves and lives back. We *can* share in this collective validation and grief process (grieving someone alive) and create a new “foundation” for other victims to find and grow from. Thank you, Patrick, for continuing to lead by example and inviting us to all become our own advocate for a life we have always deserved-with peace and self-respect.

[@dcone54321]

Well said. I've been NC for 6 years and initially grieved both living parents. Until I realized I was not grieving for them, but rather for what I THOUGHT I had... Grieving the childhood that I didn't get to have. Made the grief make more sense, easier to bear, and my start at learning how to parent my inner child.

[@beingilluminous]

@@dcone54321 thank you for this and well said!!!

[@Rose19695]

I had to go No Contact with my mother when she was on hospice because my mother would lie about me, the kind of lies that could open an investigation. I had no one to go with me to visit her who could be a third party witness should an investigation open up. Also, I couldn't hold a conversation with her by phone because she kept bringing the conversation back to the subject I said I didn't want to discuss and then she wanted to discuss not discussing it. No. Just no. For my own legal protection and boundary protection, I went NC. It was definitely not a punishment or because I'm "too sensitive" and "so much like her", which is what my niece accused me of. I don't think my family members have processed the seriousness of having had to legally protect myself from false allegations.

[@lyspaere]

Solidarity from a family where we've had lots of pointless investigastions opened on us just to waste our time!!

[@Rose19695]

@@lyspaere oh my gosh! Yes, it is a waste of your valuable time and the authorities' time too.

[@lyspaere]

@@Rose19695 Think of all the better places they could be spending their time :(

[@sunnybein1]

Narcissists will do anything and sacrifice anyone including their own children to prevent themselves feeling shame and to uphold their public image.

[@JackieE.Lewis-Bronner]

Praying

[@Any-Okra]

I haven't spoke to my mom in at least 7 years Growing up she was very abusive , unless she just left us altogether with so many different people we didn't even know , which resulted in lots of "other abuse " for me She is also a pathological liar. I could literally type all night in this comment and still couldn't make someone understand hoe hard life was because 1 woman gave birth 4 times but was never a mom to us. I have given her more chances than anyone ever would and nothing ever changes. One day after many years of insanity and lies , I finally said out loud " My mom never loved or wanted us " As hard as it was to finally except it and cut all ties , it was also the beginning of healing. I realized that if pain and tears and crying and screaming and begging was gonna change anything,it would've already. I have moved on and I have been fine. I'm a good mom to my boys because I swear I'll never put them through what a I went through. Sometimes we can only love people from a distance

[@Polopollo75]

Funny, i married an abuser the same as my parents. She would say the same thing: you always get worked up about small things. Until it clicked: she always belittled me about these, calling me a child for being upset when she disrespected me etc. Now I can put better words about that: it was never about the dishwasher not being run, but about the pleasure she took of yelling at be, belittling and disrespecting me. When I finally voiced that, and told her I was not ok with that behavior she had. She cheated on me within a week. Funny funny

[@PaninaroAurora]

My mom never put me in the role of being her parent, so I didn’t think I was parentified. But she *did* put me in the role of partner/other adult, because I recognize *everything* you say in this video. Besides calling me selfish and self-centered starting when I was five years old, Mom really conveyed a sense of me, as a child, making choices that hurt her and being responsible for her feelings. It never occurred to me before that this could be a form of parentification. "Partnerization"? "Adultification"?

[@zadarasimoleons1019]

Adultification sounds right. I'd call it emotional incest too

[@russward2612]

I went no contact with my father in 2022 because I was tired of his nitpicking condemnation of every aspect of my life. He died in 2023 and I was still no contact. I only attended his funeral to make sure he was actually dead. I wish I'd had a cattle prod, just to be sure. Shakespeare wrote something about "how sharper than a serpent's tongue than to to have a thankless child", but he never mentioned "how more bruising than a bludgeoning mace are words of a thoughtless parent".

[@oOIIIMIIIOo]

One of the interesting things is, that they don't recognize that we get insight when we become parents ourselves. Being a parent on my own made me relativate some things I complained about, but also me getting insight about what is wrong with them. In their brains their picture of us is stuck at toddler age and they are not capable of love. Sure, I wasn't a perfect parent, too, but I can admit it and change.

[@klomba45]

My parents never showed up for me; graduations, no birthday parties, no parent teacher conversations, they never were present in my life. Only roof and food. Both my parents were my bullies who would speak horrible about me with other parents who were neighborhood friends of theirs, and their kids would hear which they then bullied me at school. My parents never protected me, always criticized me. And still to this day I crave their love crumbs.

[@kiluanon]

My dad went NC for a period (he does it with everyone he’s related to at some point) because we disagree about politics (and also what basic human decency is.) He tried to get back into contact and me finally being able to take my power back and be the one that said, “No, you don’t get to keep abandoning your role as a parent every time you dislike something about me. I’m done hearing ‘You’re just like your mom’ tossed at me as an insult when she’s always been there for me and you aren’t, and are emotionally abusive when you are around. No more!” Being able to do that completely changed the way I felt about the whole situation and improved my mental health drastically!!

[@HandofHolmes]

I feel this is true for anyone you cut off… whether it’s a parent, ex or friend. It’s easier to dismiss their concerns as “petty” than look at the real issue as to what forced someone one to leave and cease contact.

[@Tatwamasi_Om]

Of course it's easier for them to make up another lie, but that is exactly why they can not be around you. It's a betrayal and failure from the parents to their children, you don't get to

[@JohnTheRevelator11]

Yes. My husband is no contact (I went no contact for years but my father started to do the work) and the excuses that my husbands parents use are against me/petty also against him, they broke him. They have even told my teenagers that it’s my fault they are not in their lives. My husband was the one that went no contact………..they are not in our kids lives because they’re toxic and our children mean more than that to us. My teens realized quickly w that one interaction, why our family doesn’t interact w people who don’t have our best interest at heart (even if they are “family”)

[@MistyMjolnir]

My mother's last words to me were a combination of "you're possessed by demons" and "I hope God tortures you every day and night". If you ask her though, I'm the problem and went no-contact "for no reason".

[@rheanelken2918]

Gosh. I constantly preface my situation with "no, it wasn't that I didn't get to go to that birthday party *once* when I was 8 or 12". It still doesn't sink in for the willfully deaf, dumb and blind

[@jmtrs79]

It’s like trying to convince someone they’re a narcissist, just doesn’t work

[@sorelyanlie2784]

Was told by a family member recently that my parents wonder why I think they “don’t care about me” and saying that is the reason I went no contact. The reason I went no contact is that they refuse to remove the member of the family who sexually abused me throughout my entire childhood from their casual conversation with me, and even told me that me “not forgiving that person” was the evil and bitter thing to do, and I was behaving resentful Lu to not want to go somewhere where that person might show up at any time or I would have to leave or arrive at certain times to avoid them. Incl gave them repeated opportunities to respect my boundaries and that of my children, and they refused. They could not grasp how unrealistic it was to essentially place me at the beck and call of the person who destroyed my childhood at every family function and shove photos of them in my face over text from events that I chose not to attend. But yeah, I guess I went no contact cause I’m just so angsty….🙄

[@eladan867]

100%!! My Narcissistic/Psychopathic mother got hysterical when my cousin told her I did not want to see her after cutting myself from her for over 10 years. She gave this idea that the problem is all me, not her at all, even though the evidence is there from everywhere. Most members of the family cut themselves off her!

[@alleciaw3537]

I’ve gone NC and heard from other relatives that, “it’s because I’m mentally ill.” It’s AMAZING to me because they think they didn’t do anything to cause this mental illness and none of my childhood traumas could have lead to this. 😂 It actually made me laugh and I wasn’t upset to hear it. I expected it.

[@cirella1064]

When you pour your heart out to your mother who was emotionally neglectful because she was too focused on her golden child, HOPING at later stage in life she would say “Im so sorry!” Nope I got, “You know, I dont need this right now, you’re just trying to pick a fight with me.” It was my final try to communicate what I needed from her and it wouldnt have cost her a cent or time and after 45 years I gave up and honestly, it was the best decision I ever made. Just like my mother, I really have NO MORE TIME nor Energy to keep a relationship that always affirms that I come last and that my time my life is not nor will ever be as important as my sister and her extended family.

[@A_bit_of_a_Tiff]

I’ve been no contact for 3 years, and I can honestly say this is spot on! My mother refused to acknowledge my pain, and straight up denied most of it even happened. To me, it was life changing stuff that I’ll have to work through for the rest of my life, but to her, it was just another Tuesday…

[@NaomiSims-w5g]

Sometimes it's not "petty" reasons. I was told I was crazy, threatened with being locked up in a mental institution as I grew up to get me to shut up confronting them with the abuse...(yes, I often over reacted emotionally to the way I was treated growing up & fell into periods of deep depression). My two brothers eventually joined in this allegation. It did cause me to question my own sanity, I would shut up for periods of time, & using this tactic became a norm for them because it worked...at least for awhile. Since I've gone no contact, I'm known as the kid that was crazy all her life. It hurts deeply, & I've had to deal with immense shame, but I was already having to deal with these same things before no contact...it's just more obvious to me now, I feel these more acutely, along with a more obvious need I really need help to move forward. It's taken me years to finally get to no contact, tho. You'll KNOW when it's time.

[@StephieGsrEvolution]

Yes, thank you for mentioning the other extreme that you unfortunately went through. Some of us are demonized and slandered with some terrible allegations.

[@yourworstfan]

It's very rarely petty reasons. That's the point Patrick was making. Nobody cuts off their parents for a petty reason, but the parents often cite petty supposed reasons to avoid owning their shit.

[@mtvcribbs326]

I found from our own abusive family members to random abusive ones in the wild who we don't even know, they all refuse to acknowledge the behavior in themselves or others, because even acknowledging it in a stranger would lead to them being under the scope of accountability. Don't look for validation or criticism from people you don't only never wanna be like, but for your own safety can't ever be around.

[@yellowpinksnake]

@@mtvcribbs326 good point

[@mikacarter3648]

It is scary how Accurate you are about the number #1 reason that a child/Adult Child goes No Contact with a parent... Its scary because that was my reason and I just came across this video without any prior knowledge of this Man! Sir, keep helping and doing what you do! I have been fighting God about part of my purpose and helping others. Hopefully, I can stay focus to achieve my next batch of goals...to get me to my professional status and degrees to start my practice 💪 Stay bless Sir and keep fighting the darkness with your light It just so happens to be in my "Shorts" timeline...right when I have finally made that decision and I am at Peace with it also. Sad but True 🕊️

[@chaotikkitten4978]

It was easy for me to go no contact with my father because he was always neglectful anyway. He was never interested in me or my life so I just stopped trying to get him to notice me or really care. He was very quick to anger and yelled at me for every little thing, so it was easy to stop trying.

[@iriskowalsky7436]

No contact is the only thing that has ever worked in freeing me from my sexually, physically and emotionally abusive covert narcissistic mother. Thank you for validating my experiences ❤🙏

[@ninehundreddollarluxuryyac5958]

They never admit they did anything wrong, they are perfect. Anytime I tried to explain how they hurt me, they blamed me for saying terrible things to them as though I was the abusing them by mentioning it. If your parents are the same, never speak to them again and never go back.

[@seahorse251]

They have support groups for parents of estranged children. We need support groups for no contact children. Where are those support groups? If anyone knows if they exist what are they called? I want to join that group!!

[@Heterogeneity]

Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings often have a good percentage of attendees who have gone no contact with at least one parent. I agree, we need our own groups

[@StephieGsrEvolution]

There's quite a few on FBook. It's mostly like here though. But I think we need more than that.

[@einalemainesra]

codependents anonymous (CoDA) was amazing for me.

[@themiddlekath]

I went no contact because I’m crazy, according to them. My truth isn’t their truth because we live in very different versions of reality, in which I’m the crazy one, not them. Lol!

[@RenegadeDesigns]

Reason my parents give: We tried to get them help for their mental illness and they didn't want to. Real reason(One of them): They drugged me into multiple seizures using psychiatric meds that treat a condition I don't have while refusing to acknowledge my actual condition of cptsd that they caused and claiming I had bpd. I have spoken to multiple doctors and none of them think I have it. Except one doctor who spoke to my mom once and never spoke to me or saw my face ever and idk what my mom said about me but not the truth

[@jessicamarzvoiceactor]

Reading the comments from the children of abusive parents made me cry. I cannot imagine treating a child like this. I have a son and I am so lucky to be his mom. I can see why some kids no longer talk to their parents after reading about the cruel way they were treated. May you all find healing, peace and unconditional, respectful love from those you choose to have in your life. ❤

[@BlindRedWolf]

My so called parents decided to tell the rest of my family that my adopted dad beat me and I went to my only friends house with bruises! Which is not what I said to in her drunken mean state. I said I got the belt and my friend knew that! How they try so hard to turn family against me! I went no contact bc she was literally killing me inside. Denial, doesn’t believe it, who does that and worse!? A parent who didn’t want me at 17 let alone did speed back then when she was pregnant. She tried to give me up in court! I wish she did! But I’m a strong woman now. Always coming back to Patrick’s channel for reassurance!

[@StephanieBacks]

One of my friends went no contact with her Mom for about ten years. Her Mom threw her out in the streets at 16 while she was 7 months pregnant. No contact was great for them. They healed, forgave, and are really great friends now.

[@saradejesus8313]

My parents told all my family that I cut contact because I’m so selfish that I didn’t want to care for them in their old age, after they did EVERYTHING for me.

[@anna-rosephipps3132]

Yeah. My mother claims to have forgotten major traumatic abuse inflicted on me by my stepfather, she says he tried to tame you", "okay he hit you sometimes". But the injections to knock me out? The trying to put me in the fire? Etc...

[@tanyacarlyle1422]

😢sad😢

[@romantic_hippie]

Omg this made me think about how my dad told me he thinks I'm mad at him because I was an ugly duckling in middle school and no boys liked me enough to dance with me at school dances 🙄. Excuse me? Even if that upset me, it has literally nothing to do with him. I've been NC since 2011 (19yrs old) and I'm 31 now and feel like a whole new person. It was the best decision ever to leave home and never look back

[@munkyjammin]

When I meet people who have gone no contact I listen. I understand. So, often they have gone no contact to end a cycle of abuse & neglect & to protect their children from going through the same trauma. Not all parents / grandparents are the loving, invested people we would hope they could be.

[@lyspaere]

My parent is so narcissistic they can't admit they did ANYTHING to make me upset with them, so the only reason they give is that I'm evil, my religion is evil, my other parent is evil, etc. Text messages sound like a Disney villain manifesto.

[@ShintogaDeathAngel]

Sorry you have to put up with that but I loled at Disney villain manifesto!

[@lyspaere]

@@ShintogaDeathAngel honestly sometimes it's hilarious.

[@kiraoshiro9251]

​@@lyspaereistg some of the novella texts my parents have sent me make my eyes roll so far into the back of my head that they just do a full 360

[@oOIIIMIIIOo]

Doofenschmirtz. 😄

[@jamesmulanax1424]

So true. I went "no-contact" with my dad because of sexual abuse. He refused to accept his role in the multitude of events, and I felt very unsafe around him even as an adult. I have met friends whose children have gone no contact, and they are at a loss about what happened. I realize now they are trying to get me to take their side, to give them kudos for trying to be a good parent to disrespectful kids. It almost seems like the friends are acting Narcissistic and are looking for "flying monkeys" to support their side of the story. Unfortunately, the kids are not present and are unable to defend themselves.

[@sourgreendolly7685]

Exactly! I realized my mother wasn't going to change when she told me she doesn't believe in mental illness. I was 20 and had spent my teens in and out of psych wards, in part because she could not resist an opportunity to pick at me and then get mad at me for not enjoying it (bullying is funny to her). When I was very young, I never even thought to bring up the s. abuse because I couldn't even dislike her "jokes" without it turning into me being screamed at. This December will be 15 years not speaking with her and I haven't regretted it for a second. I should've done it sooner, wasted 20 years of my life trying to communicate with her when she simply doesn't want me to have a say. Now I say nothing to her at all.

[@Inspiredhome]

Emotional, Physical & Sexual Abuse. The #1 Reason Adult Children decide to go no contact! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 Thank you for saying this. I agree.

[@o.h.w-ok]

29 years no contact with my family since 16 years old. Still the worst people I’ve ever met. Still the best decision I’ve ever made was to leave that day. Sometimes I wonder if they have pictures of me up at the house or what they tell others about who I am and where I went and why.

[@caitd348]

Went no contact with my stepmother first for emotional abuse and nearly every phone call i had with my dad was him saying how he knew we didnt get along but she loves you and was just trying to do right by you and id have nightmares after almost every phone call and i realised my dad was part of the problem even if he didnt participate he knew bc i told him and he saw it but when i stopped talking to him he started telling everyone it was bc i didnt want to pay rent when i lived with them....i had been living by myself for a year before i stayed with them for a few months trying to find a new place and save for a vehicle and when i moved back to my home with my mom ive been paying rent for 95% of the time after i had a working truck and a better job but none of my so called family on his side bothered asking me if it was true and just said to forgive him bc family

[@sarahjmount9221]

So accurate. Both of my parents, a stepmother, my own brother, 2 stepsisters, both sides of my extended families, and some so called “friends” all went on my no contact list right before I started the recovery process. I had not found this channel yet therefore I wasn’t aware of what complex trauma was and that I had it. I just realized I was still being treated very badly and used and abused and I had enough. My parents, especially, found every petty reason to accuse me of kicking them out of my life at an older age than most. The rest of my family had a field day invalidating me to try and make themselves feel better about their own screwed up lives. Directly after I did that, I found this channel, then some others, started doing some work, then acquired a trauma therapist. I don’t miss any of them. Sometimes I wonder if I am being a bad person since both parents are in homes in their 80’s now and sick. Then I remember something they did or just come to my senses about how they denied the abuse they put me through my whole life. Not after I went no contact, however. Yay!

[@savvygood]

My mother in law broke into my husbands Facebook account, read our private messages, took screen shots, accused me of being abusive, told my husband to leave and take the kids and then goes around telling people she has no idea what she could have done. She says some one “sent” her the screen shot.

[@sincitygiggles13]

My dad went no contact with me for speaking about the abuse of civil asset forfeiture in our state and most of the United States. He called me a liar that I was making it up. Just like I made up the time he maced me at 8 years old and the time he drew his service weapon on me & pulled the trigger. Yeah, I finally got the message: he hates me. It's laughable.

[@excellentcomment]

You relieve some suffering with this video. Good job.

[@blueskyalldayeveryday]

Wow. It feels good to have this validated and know it’s not just my family. I always had this experience and it bugged me for a long time because it made me look like the bad guy. But at the end of the day, I know the truth and that is enough for me. My parent cares what other people think about them more than what our relationship is. And that is all I need to know.