Phil In The Blanks Podcast | COVERT STRATEGIES 02

Gaslighting And The Covert Narcissist Pt2
Dr. Phil continues discussing narcissism and focuses on covert narcissism, which is more subtle than classic narcissism. Narcissists have a false sense of superiority and lack empathy. Covert narcissists have the same traits as classic narcissists but express them in more subtle ways. They manipulate and gaslight their partners, are judgmental, and envious. Dr. Phil emphasizes the importance of setting boundaries and not trying to fix narcissists. The series aims to provide insight and help people manage or protect themselves from narcissistic individuals.

[@Graceland1964]

I was born into narcissistic situation at an early age but took me over 40 years to realise this.

[@charlotteclark6061]

...oh wow! Sorry about that ! 😢

[@fifilafleur5555]

Yes, it takes a while to figure it all out.

[@norma9134]

You're not alone! I'm 42 and just now learning and understanding that both of my parents were/are narcissists

[@martinkinane4696]

You and me both

[@Vixinaful]

Took me 46 years to learn what it even was after nearly having lost my life to one and having numerous relationships with them. They are E. V. I. L. Id take a psychopath anyday over a covert.

[@l0I0I0I0]

Often empath enablers will often support the narcissist and attack victims if the abused utter the least complaint against the narcissist.

[@emmamonroe3311]

I think my ex covert narcissist is a sociopath. They fool you like none other. I will get over this but I will never ever forget it. Not him, it.👈🏻

[@jordyn8498]

They’re more passive than the grandiose narc as well. They expect you to read their mind and their victim mentality can fool people into wanting be sorry for them! The phrase “you’re just lucky that…” or “well if I had what you had or lived where you lived”, are classic covert narc sayings!

[@catbishop206]

I've listened to hundreds of podcasts on covert narcs and this is by far the best I've ever heard. Well done, dr phil!

[@winnowmethis9501]

What I have experienced is the person seeking pity, sullen and unhappy. Then you let that person through the door and the gathering of intel begins, building an arsenal of all your faults and uses them at an opportune time. Through empathy, I have let that person through the door of my life, and lowered my guard. I call this the 'weasel effect'. It has taken me years to figure out this person's M.O.. The craftiness is beyond the pale. Religion is also key, especially if you share the same faith. It is lorded over you. Specifically, a person is expected to 'forgive'. And so you do. But only to your own detriment. Especially if there is no change in the narcissist. The underlying character does not change. You can pretty it up and put a bow on it, but pull away the facade and the weasel remains. To distinguish this as a person of faith, where we are taught to forgive, you fall into the trap over and over. The best thing I glean here from Dr. Phil is there are some who will never change. Accept that fact.

[@USMoxi]

however, there is compassion for those who could really be struggling with something vs the bottomless pit that sucks the life out of you .

[@winnowmethis9501]

@@USMoxi True. Completely agree. But that is the problem when someone is a 'covert' narcissist. The term 'covert' is so appropriate, since the true nature is so well hidden. Frankly, it has been these videos that have aided me in properly assessing the situation that has been very longstanding, given it is a family member. Very difficult to spot. Stepping back and recognizing the fake empathy. The manipulative tactics. The setting of traps for others. The twisting of facts where that person is ALWAYS the victim. A healthy person takes personal responsibility and doesn't distort the truth and doesn't in a malignant manner set traps for others so they can play the martyr.

[@Snack-well]

My sister-in-law is covert. She has always been a gifted liar and twists the truth to make others (usually females) in the family the perp. No amount of being nice or helping her in any way eases the problem! Nothing you can do but keep your distance. Nothing you do helps!

[@beverlyorlando8040]

Thank you for this message, Dr. Phil. My father was an abusive overt, narcissist. You could see that from a mile away. I couldn't wait until I was old enough to move out. I was the truth-telling middle child of 3 children. That made life difficult for me. I married an emotional abusive, controlling covert narcissist. After 33+ years of marriage and my failing health, I finally left 2 yrs ago. Many of my chronic health issues have totally resolved, no more anxiety/depression. I'm at peace with my choice to leave & lead a happy life. Getting to this point was very, very difficult. But as difficult as it was, it would've been harder to stay. I believe I've added years to my life being free from that toxic environment.

[@user-xb3yp2px6b]

Beautifully said Dr. Phil! "You're still going to have a covert narcissist." Just now, it feels as though 10 tons has just fallen off my shoulders. Thanks tons and tons To others who are still confused and hurting, you are not alone. KEEP COMING BACK. The miracle will happen! Lol be you all. 🌹💝🐬💞

[@MountainStream]

I dont like going to places full of people but it's because I don't want attention. I'm a survivor of DV from a psychopath. Too many people makes me anxious.

[@stellaercolani3810]

Me t9

[@stellaercolani3810]

Me too

[@leonapietsch4367]

They lie and cheat! Yes their always depressed about something. Yes they betray you. Break your marriage vows several times.😖 They call your kids and grandkids weak.

[@shawshank6015]

Yes they betray you, they even go as far as siding with the other person. As for breaking the marriage vow don't get me started. 2maro is our anniversary we will be married 39 yrs I'm planning the end I'm finally ready to leave... oh we have grandkids too

[@johninmunich]

I wish you guys the best. It's a long road, but there's little other choice, except prolonging the inevitable. Godspeed!

[@joannturi3968]

My motto in life is that I believe half of what everyone says then subtract 50%. End of story. I believe when I see it.

[@sstritmatter2158]

Hahaha 👍

[@izawaniek2568]

You have nailed it dr Phil. Your description of the covert narcisist is brilliant. And the question about whether you feel better or worse after an interaction with somebody says it all! Spot on! Thank you.

[@fifilafleur5555]

This is my dad’s wife right here. His 3rd wife. A stepmother, if you can call her that, only 10-11 years older than me. She turned family members away from me when I stood up to her abuse. I literally lost everyone including my dad. Their daughter has been brought up to be just like her.

[@mariaa0031]

It’s been two years and 4 months now since I got rid of my ex husband. I am still recovering and working on myself to get over it and to be stronger and move on with my life. Being with a covert narcissist is hell on earth! I felt so trapped and lost myself completely. He became so enraged and aggressive all the time at the end. I don’t wish this on anyone. Please people who are in these typs of relationships, you are strong, you are not crazy! And you can get out of this situation!! You have to, for yourself and your sanity! Try to talk to professionals, and ask for help. Dont feel ashamed, it’s not tour fault. Make a plan so you can get out of this terrible abusive relationship and try to recover from it, you are worth it and deserve it!!! My experience was so bad, he even tried to poison me when he found out I was pregnant. I never spoke to him again now for over 2 years, and it’s a blessing! It takes time to heal, but it’s soooo worth it… 💕 💕

[@beverlyorlando8040]

I'm so glad you got out! Keep looking up!

[@realman1349]

How did he respond when you left him? Could you please provide details of how you effectively got out?

[@barbaramoore5070]

I’m living it right now ….no sex for a year now…hasn’t even touched me, and yet, I love him and I don’t want to lose him 😢 I guess I have no respect for myself. 😢 I’m trying to convince myself I’m worth more than how I’m getting treated…

[@gwendolynwehage6336]

I have also experienced this mentality of isolation. Our grandchildren have been withheld from me because the narcissists acted terrified that the grandchildren would like me. They managed to make the grandchildren dislike me. The Grands are grown now and even their spouses have been triangled and are sullen around me as though they don't like me but try to act civil. Sadly I do not enjoy them because they act just like their parents. I am a bubbly person around others but with them I kind of wait for the visit to be over because it is so sullen. I have tried to be myself no matter who is in the room, but it is who I am that makes them uncomfortable and I don't know why except for the gossip and triangulation. I think they don't like me because I am confident and speak openly and they are very uncomfortable with open honesty.

[@user-ej5jc5dk1e]

Why not ask them if anything disturbs them in your behavior . I discovered that their were things I wasn't aware of in my behavior . That my sister in law told me ( about myself/me ). I think she was right with her criticism about me . I wasn't aware of some of my conduct/behavior . So now , I am working on improving my behaviour .

[@christinerobertson9596]

Same here. daughter is daughter of narcissist ex- parental alienation case.- I lost my grands too.

[@USMoxi]

in order for things to change , something needs to change. Can you say you’d like to know them better but you can’t conceive of why they’d be mad . but you can only control you and you can choose the next move as you and or to have a heart to heart.

[@suthrnangel218]

Same here. My daughter withholds all 6 of my grandchildren and refuses to let me see them. It's so hard to live with.

[@christinerobertson9596]

@@suthrnangel218 There's something wrong with this generation. have a hug from a heartbroken grandma. I was so close to my grandparents - they partially raised me-- then this ...

[@ashley_aquarius]

I didn't know people like this existed [and that's what they want, to make you think they're what you've been missing all your life] ....until they feel they have you trapped, in my case, I became pregnant and thats when things changed. Never ignore red flags or your intuition because of _________. There can always be a reason to overlook things, because you feel like you're doing the right thing [ "well, im pregnant so....", "but they experienced trauma and they can't help it", "but they're my spouse", "but they ruined their past relationships so I need to give them time to change for the better", "but they helped me at my worst so I need to stick it out", etc. They will never ever change. They might manipulate you for a while in attempts to make you THINK things are improving but that's part of their game. The damage they cause changes you and you'll never be the same again. I often get angry at myself for not seeing things for how they truly were before getting in too deep. It's hard to change but if someone TRULY wants to, they will, somehow.

[@bettyboop7695]

You are talking about my ex! It took me 5 years though to realise what was happening, and another two years to break free, and I am totally sucked out, but a little step at the time and I will hopefully retain my energy.

[@cynthiathomas5754]

He has ruined every Holiday. Sometimes its sneaky passive aggressive mode...Like, " accidently" messing up and being a " martyr" by spending hours fixing it.

[@janeoxley4829]

Yes terms and conditions apply in the covert narrastic relationship, God help us, yes had the silent treatment, and rage abuse.

[@l0I0I0I0]

I would love to hear more on WHY narcissist target one person at a time while convincing the heard how wonderful they are? How to deal with this mechanism?

[@stephm5877]

Honestly, it's best to not try to defend or explain yourself and just get away from those who believe them. Take the high road so to speak. They want you to try to solve it, so you look crazy.

[@marilouaurorah869]

They do it to ‘eliminate’ a person that they feel threatened by -They are not capable of growth themselves, due to the fact they are convinced about there own perfection, there’s no room for improvement -Instead they out and eliminate all external threats who carries the qualities that they are envious about. Everything is projection with these people

[@jeaniemattone3899]

@@stephm5877You have just saved me from hours of stress and investigation. Thank you!

[@na27000]

That is called love boming. They want you to believe they are good people and lift you up, then their true colors come out and you go down. The only mechanism is to run away, trust me. Dont let them know you figure them out, just leave.

[@joygarrett8397]

@@stephm5877not always easy to do . . Esp if it’s your own adult children the covert (ex) has triangulated against you . . .

[@NevaJWilson25462]

They can turn on you on a dime.

[@shawshank6015]

Yeh doesn't take much

[@titaniumcranium3755]

But they depend on you for everything

[@yIsThisMyName]

ive learned to stop, look, and listen. If it feels awkward or questionable, trust yourself. Dont make excuses for people.

[@emmamonroe3311]

The first time I went to the holidays was Thanksgiving of 2017 so we had only dated for 9 months. He cried at the dinner table about not being able to talk to his daughter. Everyone in the family around the table felt bad but they really knew who he was. Looking back it was all an illusion.😲😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😲

[@kimanddanahaagenson5595]

Help them and they're just less depressed while they abuse you. Yup. Sums it up.

[@annasmykla4914]

This is just description of my friend, its never her fault, she will never apologise or be grateful, no emphaty only manipulation and feeling of superiority. It took me years to realise that our relationship was toxic.

[@faymoosa5064]

Yes...married to one for 40yrs 😢

[@rachelwyatt6030]

How did you finally get away??

[@faymoosa5064]

@@rachelwyatt6030 I'm still staying in the same house with him . Trying to move on

[@audreylonsinger2678]

Coverts are very dangerous. I lived it with my mother for 40 years until her passing. Everything Dr. Phil says is spot on. My mother loved nothing more than to watch me fail. Never proud of my accomplishments and extremely dismissive. When she co-signed on a vehicle? Yeah mistake! I didn't live it down until i paid it off. Love was always conditional.

[@farreastevens4433]

You were so spot-on about what you have to say thank you you're awesome you sell tell the truth about how they be you're right on point thank you God bless you forgetting the truth out there you're awesome

[@adrianaleon9278]

Yes one can feel trapped and isolated because it can get to the point that one is pushed to that point.

[@19783008ful]

All of those things, yes I feel all of them

[@user-kn9uh5tr1o]

Just divorcing a man like this. After 20 years of abuse. But he took my 10 year old daughter now I'm fighting to get her help

[@freethinker1551]

Seek a lawyer right now!

[@nathaliemiller6487]

The give nothing but they knew how to take everything from me! Now how can I find my new me? Because I'm not lost. I'm dead. He killed me from the inside out.

[@BettyMcBrine]

I was married to a narcissist for 34 years. If I can recover you can too. Remember who you were before he came into your life? That is you, the core of who you are. You are a person who is valued by those who see the real you. Do not ever believe his twisted hateful contemptuous way he treated you. You are not dead inside - the real you is in there. He is a liar who tried to steal your soul. Don’t let him steal, lie and tear you down any more. You are worthy of love and understanding and validation. You are free from his toxic attempts to murder your soul. You are not dead. He did not kill you. He did not take everything. You have to walk the road of healing. Start by saying OUT LOUD who you are to the universe - the person before he came in your life. Or if you have a faith in the Lord say it in prayer. You also need at least one true friend who sees you for who you are. A kind and loving friend whom you trust. Let the healing begin. Be the loving kind person that is at your core - you are there - he did not kill you. You are free from the enemy - now you can walk the road of healing. I will pray for you. The Lord loves you - He will return one day to right all the wrongs - no more narcissists. You are a survivor - NOT A VICTIM! Blessings to you!

[@yIsThisMyName]

No. A dead person can't figure it out. You came to your senses. You need to recognize your brilliance. You are brave and deserving of love.

[@anngeisheimer]

Dr. Phil there is so much chatter online about narcissists but your breakdown and explanations are a bar above likely due to your education and background. Thank you so very much for your explanations and examples in this series. It is very helpful for me to spot and handle this personality type. God bless.

[@charlotteclark6061]

Dr.Phil, so accurate, ty so much!

[@catherinemcmahon8011]

My son married a covert narcissist. I haven't seen him for three Christmases. Everything you say is true.I was marginalised and isolated. It broke my heart. I know my son loves me but is afraid of upsetting his wife and getting flack for contacting his family.

[@katiedid9601]

My mother…….

[@bagoodhuman143]

Dr Phil awesome talk really an eye opener for people like me who r constantly into these relationships and no room to go out of those relationships due to various reasons . It’s a big step to heal when it’s recognised.

[@debradannenfelser6155]

Omg. Thank you for explaining that trait. My brother hooked me in, then got ugly. I could never figure it out. He also says things to me when his wife is not around that he would not in front of her. So still trying to figure that out. He also wants a very distant relationship with me because i had the audacity to Confront him. Lol

[@debradannenfelser6155]

He did me a favor as soon as he wanted a distant relationship. I felt like a weight lifted off my back. Yay.

[@garykeating4964]

Yes 💯 everything you are saying is my life for the last 18years 😢😢

[@sandracaezza7234]

Oh my Dr Phil. You nailed it, treated the addiction many times he still was a covert narc. & May I add went back to using steroids, gym addiction, new supply porn social media addiction. My health returning after 24 yrs and these videos in my healing with the help of trauma based therapy.😉😉😉Thank you all for getting the word out. 🙏🏼👏🏻🧘🏼

[@irenehurtig266]

Spot on,always wonder why I never met theirs family or friends.

[@PaigeSquared]

I'm glad he actually knows.

[@ladyvirgo9514]

Yes, as an Empath i was love bombed by my husband of 12 years. Hes nearly sucked my life out of me. Hes a habitual liar,cheater, drinks alcohol 7 nights a week again after stopping and hes now shacked up with his coworker. The divorce has started.

[@geekzer713]

Good luck with "healing" the narc it's mission impossible

[@angelacraft1511]

This is deep.

[@marieb9961]

True ☹️sadly true

[@jodlen49]

Appreciate Dr. Phil, he speaks the truth - I do not think, regardless of his time with Opra, that he has a bead on her...

[@shawshank6015]

🤔

[@RangerMelB]

Wish I could have a dollar for every time my ex, and my step family told me that 'I was just joking, you didn't take it right' garbage.

[@olgivystent9221]

What happens when two narcissistic people get married?

[@sstritmatter2158]

Oh YES!

[@deirdrelewis1454]

Oh boy Dr Phil…you obviously knew my aunt Phil : the bane of her library and church!

[@user-fl8be4px8x]

Yes he lied to me all the time and became very very angry many times over nothing He was very jealous I never dated him all we did was talk on the phone and when I didn’t talk with him he became irate I felt really sad for this man I wanted to help him in so many ways but he just got worse and I pray that he finds help

[@USMoxi]

sounds like my lawyer i always feel rotten after dealing with him

[@charlotteclark6061]

Yep, his wife was the devil, but i found out that they both were. She was a good- digging, lazy so- in - so ,and he was the Narcissist! I feel sorry for their 2 kids. The mom left them a year ago, so he really doesn't want to take care of them,( he told me he wishes he never had kids... He has 9 ) but if he didn't people will know the true Narcissist that he is, so he's in a tough spot! Like i said, i feel sorry for those boys, if they are his!

[@cinemaximum5654]

I agree, god forbid I don't know what I'd do if I had someone like that in my social circle

[@sunshine-db2zm]

I thought i was the only one with this kinda problem...seeing the comment section validates my experience and i see that there are so many like me..

[@irenehurtig266]

And you never,ever miss them.

[@nanaof6angels]

Yes

[@jeffcauthen6434]

Or they say "You love them more than me. I dont feel I'm first in your life."

[@Itstoochima10]

I have brother that’s jealous of me. And I get motivated competitively tbh

[@brendaleverick3655]

I have a next-door covert narc neighbor. I do not like her one bit. I have shared my food and household items with her. She has tons of friends, and excludes me from them. She won't give me anything. She definitely works at keeping me one-down. Her friends are like her; not really nice people. For Halloween, I bought a life-size plastic wolf that howled electronically. When I let it howl for her, she talked through my wolf's howls about herself. She also likes to hang around in front of my building with a golf club; but I never see her practice her swing and we live in a safe neighborhood. But, maybe it is for protection. Maybe she screwed people over who might want to hurt her?

[@rmzang]

"Pray to God they don't go" lol

[@charlotteclark6061]

He could never gaslight me because i just talked bad about him! So i didn't get but one time for that!

[@jenniferrider-nx4wl]

One drains me whenever it's not the best of the real one that was very much to say I would not be a little bit I was very much to be the same as I was very happy with the one 😁. Not saying more on here than I will have to be the one who has been the best for everyone and for me to be honest

[@garykeating4964]

Demand it

[@sassy46201]

Or they eat and lock up in a room.

[@donnapeitz8737]

My sister narcissistic taught her children age 35 and so are narcissistic help

[@aprilhall1784]

C'mon let's be real. They won't buy YOU a car. They buy a car and put it in their name, then let you use it as long as you stay with them. Leaving? That car ain't going with ya!

[@emmamonroe3311]

One up is called oneupmanship.

[@mokyan7]

Wow. This has been my life for many years. She was one way at the beginning, I didn’t see the full darkness. Everything you are saying is so familiar and has been a regular pattern. I hate it. Sucking your love, goodness and light. Toxic.

[@vivianeprudentiabuelens9142]

No Thad is clear ‼️ 0:25

[@deborahwade2641]

Are there extremes to the covert narcissist?

[@NivesRigodanzo-Massey-wk3ls]

Ashamed to be the mother of this narcissistic daughter. Feel terrible about this.😢

[@MoM-do7js]

I have one too. It is sad but recently, again, have been relieved of her. She left me in a terrible situation yet I’m happier since she’s gone and found another host. She’s not the same little girl I remember while growing up. Now 31, she’s a different person and very cruel to me. So I’m done but of course it hurts. I’ll leave God to deal with her, I can’t. My survival was at stake!!! Take care of YOU ❣️

[@shawshank6015]

@NivesRigodanzo-Massey Don't feel bad, there's a few parents out there with this. My sister's only daughter is a Overt Nac. Omg does she put my sister through so so much. I can understand what you're saying because I've seen my niece in action. She's 29

[@user-ss6zt2mo1l]

She is making me Dinner and putting her hair in my food. When I find her hair in my food in my mouth, 🤮 She says “How is it ALWAYS you that finds stuff in your food” ? You have really bad luck. This happens 6 to 8 times a month !! I need to leave this psycho

[@France149]

🙌🙌🙌🙌

[@JT-ll5zc]

No Free Lunch

[@Gayla.Aucoin]

A Demon.🚫 Narc 👹 An outcast.. Thing . That spits Evil Words.

[@lovelylight1972]

omg this is my husband

[@biancagarcia156]

And now I'm pregnant.

[@windmuser]

They are worse.

[@oliverpinelli3334]

I am a "Phil-anthrop"

[@na27000]

But somehow they get things like promotions, wealth, etc. Why? Because they are charming and deceive people who can't spot them.

[@dianamaldonado313]

🥹🥹🥹

[@AnaSilva-to1sy]

I think your wrong Dr. Phil: When Jesus walked on earth the people judged Him as being less than genuine, and they killed Him

[@jenniferrider-nx4wl]

Very much to be honest with a little to say that you and your family are the same to be the same as I was very much to say it's not the best thing to be a good person to say it's not the best of you

[@MassageMagick1111]

Incomprehensible sentences that may be honest of you not the best as the family as the same. Wtf

[@shawshank6015]

​@@MassageMagick1111😂 Thank you. Read her message earlier in the thread I was like 🤔

[@Snack-well]

Phil you had be up until you mentioned Oprah. Sorry but she’s not a good person. That’s the side of her she wants you to believe

[@ThePapppy]

Oprah ? Omg well now u lost my respect !