My father makes me suffer a lot. Should I keep seeing him? | Thich Nhat Hanh answers questions

Thay answers questions on 21 June 2014. Question 3
Topics: mindfulness, thich nhat hanh, plum village, children, kids, father, difficulties, change, break contact, relationship, interbeing, change yourself, acceptance, samsara, divorce
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[@tinadeemc8728]

One thing that could have been added is the fact that we (especially a child) are not responsible for changing anyone and if someone causes us emotional, psychological, physical damage, we are not obligated to continue subjecting ourselves to it. What he is explaining to the child is a complex and vague concept for many adults to grasp. A child in his formative years is very susceptible to long term psychological and emotional damage and at the very least should not bear the burden of responsibility for their relationship with an abusive parent. Thay is very poetic in his ways and that can be a beautiful way of reaching people but this child requires a more direct approach. The child almost seemed to be looking for permission to let go of the responsibility of making his relationship with his father work. He needed to be told that it is ok to let go of the relationship if it causes him unjustified suffering. He can work through understanding and acceptance and love his father from a distance. We can love someone without being in a position to be abused by them.

[@taraiarusso9625]

YES. He is clearly asking to be left off the hook here. He does not want to see his father. He probably feels guilty about that. That's why his guardian should take the choice away from him.

[@BananaBug]

Honestly I couldnt agree more this is exactally how I felt about the whole interactoin it didnt even feel like he was talking to the child in a way it seemed like he just went off on a dialog of his own? I find teachers like Gangaji or Adyashanti handle thease kinds of questions really well when iv heard them answer them personally

[@Gawain-l7r]

we want a definitive directive but he can only offer a monk's perspective. i think we are also underestimating a child's ability to comprehend what he is saying. perhaps it's valuable at this age to consider inner work, before we are older and less likely to change.

[@multicrogamer]

@@Gawain-l7r This, although i agree with others about child not having to take responsibility of taking care of abusive father i think if child now develops healthy introject he would not suffer less later.

[@orbitalpl1]

He gave the child an excellent answer, but I agree that such answer should have been given rather to an adult who have the capacity to understand such answer and would know how to process it. This question is rather for a therapist.

[@kianae514]

I just want to go and hug this child. The pain this child is in makes my heart break. I hope wherever this child is today, has a happy and more peaceful life.

[@Дилайла_лала]

Me too

[@starshibe4231]

Same here

[@ananyadasgupta8613]

Same here

[@teamcrumb]

but would it help the child, or just make you feel better?

[@lavernevictoriacarol4531]

So young to have so much pain.

[@christal2641]

Oh, sweetie, you can't change an abusive father. Mine died when I was 56. I had long feared that I would lose my temper and punish him once he was too weak, as I once had been. After a lot of therapy, finding better teachers, mentors. Over time, as he aged, it became possible to feel compassion for him. However, when he was abusive, I withdrew for a time, to protect myself and to prevent him from practicing abusing me. I was with him the last 2 weeks of his life, and slone with him the last several hours. When I saw him furrow his brow in pain, I called his nurse, as he could no longer tell her when his pain meds have warn off. When he grew agitated, I sang to him. At the end, I closed his eyes. I felt an immense peace those last days, as I felt only compassion for him and our family and sadness that our history had been so very sad. And I felt relieved and at peace with myself for having forgiven him. Parents shape our minds and hearts and at age 70, I still find myself thinking the sorts of things he said to me. Please get therapy as EARLY IN LIFE AS YOU CAN.

[@k8eekatt]

Thank you for sharing your journey of healing and freedom❤

[@roshnis7727]

Thank you for this post

[@roshnis7727]

Sending you love ❤️

[@helenmadamrose306]

THANK YOU💖

[@kellyrn6014]

🙏🙏🙏🙏

[@SY-yh7nu]

From the comments, it seems that many people misunderstood his answer. He said the child do not need to physically be with his father. But to be mindful of the relationship and not be like his dad. For the child to end the suffering with him and not continuing the habit to the next generation. That was my understanding.

[@tawandabranch8766]

Shannon that is what I got from it.

[@Eowyn77]

Yes. I understood it the same way. And also, the boy says that he forced himself to see his father because he hoped he could change him, and he asks explicitly if and how he can change his father. When Thich Nhat Hanh speaks so extensively about how to change the inner father he is directly responding to the boy's question.

[@wajahadkhan1244]

I understood that it is about changing the own attitude and the image of the father within oneself. It's about accept and transforming within, instead of trying to change him without. It's not about separation but rather about integration with understanding and forgiveness.

[@joanofarc33]

SY 22 And your understanding is correct.

[@arrow5726]

Thanks for clarifying! It was difficult for me to understand right away

[@roxyaedoo]

My daddy went through this as a son. He understood that his father was deeply hurt both emotionally and spiritually; therefore, he decided to stop being close to his father but would always pray for him, avoiding all of the practices and traits of my grandpa that he identified as dangerous for him and our family. God bless him, he’s the best father one could dream of. Full of love and joy... yet he always reminded us that grandpa was a good man but with emotional and possibly mental health issues so if we find any signs of his character in our personality, my brother and I must pray and discipline ourselves to change. We were encouraged to be different and we have tried our best. I wish all humans could have the support and encouragement to change towards happiness.

[@fry5544]

Wow incredible

[@noellealyagout1669]

This is exactly what the monk is talking about: the change must come from within us and it will then alter everything else. « when we change our perception, every thing changes » However, that does not mean you physically have to stay around for the abuse. ANYONE being abused has the God given right to remove themselves but the difference is in the attitude: is it loving/ compassionate? or fraught with anger/fear/resentment... ? I hope more was explained to the child regarding that and it probably was 🙏🏻

[@emilianolopez4289]

Right now I am going through a very similar experience like the one of your father, My own father has hurt me so badly that I a feeling hopeless to recover my true essence the one he stole from me with whis narcissism and psychopathy, so I am going through the toughest time of my entire life right now. Its so difficult to let fgo of the toxicity, the anger, the fear, the incecurities my father put inside of me through year of repetition. I am so hurt beyond words can express. But I am telling myself that if I just have the courage to endure all of this unbearable pain I am going through right now that I may have the change to be a good parent/guide for someone else.

[@ARtby502]

Wow

[@lyrik5158]

cathartic

[@frankthecoach]

What I have found as I get older is that I am very much like my father who I used to criticize. What is different about me is that I am working on myself and I have awareness of my patterns. My father did the best he could with what he knew.

[@yoepv8800]

Sounds just like your father

[@viniciusbrito7512]

You will never know how much he struggled to be and to do the best he could. I know this now, because I see myself in my 8-year-old son, and I see my father in the mirror. We can never know for sure we could have been as good as our parents, because of their different background, culture and constraints. My father did hit me a few times (something I have never done and help-me-God I will never do). But he also starved when he was a child, and went through bad stuff I can only imagine... I have forgiven him and today we have a great relationship. We don't agree in everything and most of the time we talk and have fun like friends. I am very lucky and grateful for that. I still have issues to sort out, and the wisdom in this type of video and discussion certainly helps... thanks for sharing

[@mikahist4155]

Dont excuse a toxic, dangerous psychopath. Some people are toxic and sadist. Point.

[@nolanolivier6791]

My father beat me and my brother because he enjoyed it; he was never anything but stone-cold sober when he did it. He just enjoyed inflicting pain on us. He uses that same excuse about his father whenever I see him - he takes every opportunity to interject it into conversation. I know beyond any doubt that his own father never once laid a finger on him, but that's his excuse. When I was a teenager I finally called him out; he threatened to call the police! He is a coward whose violence was informed by nothing more than his sense of entitlement over the bodies and minds of his children. Gods help me, I have thus far found the strength to resist beating his helpless cowardly ass to a pulp. If what he did was the best of what he knew, then he was the lowest form of imbecile known to humanity. I know I inherit some aspects of his character, but I won't be like him. I know I don't have to... because I know that at least my grandfather DID do the best with what he knew. None of my uncles or aunts ever harmed their children; just him. My father is how I know that some people are just born worthless.

[@jeffmahoney1271]

@@nolanolivier6791 Well he was smart enough to find your Mom and have you, sort of like subconscious genetic redirection lol. If you think of it from an evolutionary biology standpoint it's actually quite impressive. In one generation your genetics have recognized and corrected a clear error in your genetic code.

[@KatyGroves]

Ever since I read Thay's book Anger in which he talks about our parents being us, I knew that this was true. When I connect with that truth, however, I feel a tremendous amount of pain. My parents were unfathomably abusive. I can never see or speak to them again. But I recognize it as my lifetime task to overcome the pain, heal my internalized parents and embrace my inner child as myself. When Thay says my father is in every cell in my body, I can feel that it is true and it brings me a lot of sadness. He was a deranged person, a truly broken man. I just had an insight... The suffering my father caused me and my father's suffering are one. Now the tears are burning... Thank you Thay for bringing me to realization. The doors to healing may finally be opening for good.

[@younglee3915]

Katy Groves what is the name of that book? He has several.

[@curlygirl8860]

@@StudioPeaces I am so struck by the reality that almost everyone I know has had emotional damage from an abusive unhappy parent! So I suppose that somehow normalizes the inner journey we all need to go on to heal ourselves and be healthy parents going forward. But it boggles my mind to think of all the pain in the world from this stuff and what that does to humanity daily...

[@KabobHope]

@@younglee3915 "Anger"

[@starflakmyriad5394]

It is hard to forgive.... because we cannot forget. Hard to accept that there will never be revindication... never ever... it is a dead end trying to find justice or even acknowledgment. We must accept and move on, i canot forgive from the bottom of my heart....

[@Jaqvander]

"The suffering my father caused me and my father's suffering are one." This caught me off guard and spliced me with sadness, which I didn't push away with a thought or some other distraction. Thank you for this. A step to healing in KZbin comments, who would've thought. It reminded me of this www.quora.com/What-are-some-common-mistakes-parents-make-that-could-actually-hurt-their-childrens-mental-and-physical-health-in-the-long-term/answer/Jacqueline-van-der-Voort?ch=10&share=7d0fccbf&srid=OJ7A

[@maragonzalez1781]

I feel this child needs real help. My god he is only a child asking for help. No, you do not need to see an abusive father. You need love and protection. Please stay only near people who really love and understand you. You are such a strong beautiful kid.

[@ras_krystafari3333]

Some people especially Caucasian of middle class have very very few family that can be counted on only one or two hands. Life is complex, it's not always that easy, face fear and standing up to show others is often those lost souls only hope to be helped set on their healing path. Abandonment is a cold form of continuing hatred

[@SarahHorne1]

GreGgaeRasta Fari - this is a kid who needs help. Whilst life is complex, there is a very simple answer to this scenario. No. No, you do not and should have to see a parental figure who is abusive. I feel that what the Buddhist Monk is saying here is not the right advice for a child. This isn’t an adult trying to deal with a difficult work colleague. This is a vulnerable child. In the first instance, get the child to safety. The key sentence here was, ‘the situation has almost become dangerous.’

[@madnnessify]

@4:26 he says that you don't need to go and see him.

[@annnavictoria6328]

@@SarahHorne1 The translator missed to tell the monk the part when the child sayed: "dangerous"

[@TranTrungVideo]

@movingonandup773 my friend you are geting it all wrong, try to listen again :)

[@TheOriginalRasheedat]

He said that he does not need to be around him, but to love the father inside of him-- he is his father. If he is not mindful, this child may internalize the father's anger and become like him. When he can transform and find peace within himself, when he is older and ready, dealing with his father will be so much easier because he will deal with him from a place of strength, healing and self love, not need, lack and anger. He heard the child's desire for the father to change. So if the child wants the relationship to change EVER, the child has to do the work within. Listen to what Thay is saying. Stop trying to transform father on the outside, let him be. And be the person you need to be healthy within yourself. Depend on your support system, spiritually and physically. Accept things as they are. Thay gave advice that will last this child's life, not just for this moment. And this child is a boy. You watch a ten min video and assume you know everything. These people have been around this child for years. They know him and said they are here for him. :)

[@juricakalcina987]

couldn't of said it better myself.

[@smoothandchunky1]

Great summary! I can't imagine being that insightful at his age to ask such a question. He received an equally important response. Wish I had something close to this decades before doing the heavy lifting myself. It's much more difficult without a support system and mentor to help you.

[@golaifong4810]

Brilliantly summarised! Tq

[@mimimarcus]

Agree with you completely. Seems a lot of the commenters here have misunderstood what Thay said. Sometimes, you have to understand his overall teachings and account for differences in language and cultures in order to infer parts of his message. For example, I'm sure English is his second or third language, so there's language barriers there... a more specific example is the word 'rain' in Vietnamese is used as metaphors for tears, suffering, or renewal in life, or a long lost love interest so much that they're almost synonyms. So, when a Vietnamese who's speaking English as second language and uses 'rain' to describe his/her feelings, you may think he/she is speaking high-brow talk or overly vague and/or philosophical. But in reality, he/she is just balancing the differences in language and culture and trying their best to connect with you.

[@dalida4787]

What you are saying totally summarizes what Thay Thich Nhat Hanh said in the video. I would like to add one more point from the clip which is that Thay advised the child to accept his father as he is, to sense his father from within, to act differently (not to make the same mistakes as his father), to understand his farther, then to treat his farther and respond to his farther better (in a right way), and let his farther change himself instead of talking his father into changing which would never happen. Thay always encourages us to display compassion and kindness to everyone instead of trying to change them.

[@franci.f.]

The daughter of a friend of mine didn't want to see her father, her mum explained to her that the judge decided she had to see her dad at least one weekend every two weeks. One day during summertime three years ago the girl, she was 12, really didn't want to spend the weekend with her dad as she felt unsafe with him, he was not violent but crazy to her. The dad brought her to a sailing trip with friends, he didn't pay attention and he suggested to his daughter to leave the friends boat to swim to the beach as the boat was not far from the beach. He didn't tell the boat owner he was leaving the boat and the girl was killed by the engine inside the water. Please to all judges and therapists i am asking u to respect children feelings and needs. They know better than us- My heart goes out to all children who are suffering because of abusive or absent parents, may Our Lady protect you.

[@HoangNguyen-dk4zn]

People need to understand that: 1. This child has been practicing for many years. He understands what Thay is saying much better than most of you do. And Thay understands his situation much better than you do. So please stop assuming. 2. If you pay close attention, the mother of the child is at present and she has divorced the father. She will protect her child, not Thay. 3. Thay, knowing all the above, is offering an advice that is a guide for the child growing up to be a better person, an advice that lasts a lifetime. For the child to go or not to go his father would be his mother's decision. And of course Thay knows that.

[@danilosena8796]

Great answer friend... 🙂

[@suraya4768]

Well the mother could possibly be deluded into thinking it is her child's responsibility to change his fathers behaviour. The boy is saying he does not want to go anymore and he should not be made to feel he has to do otherwise. Is she protecting her child ?? She hadn't done so up to this point because the boy is saying he feels the situation is becoming dangerous!

[@schroeder666]

Stop lying to yourself about what this man is saying. He is saying that the son has the father "inside every cell of his body" and that he has to work on this in order to end "samsara", which is basically like saying he is responsible for purging some kind of inherited sin. People need to stop presenting ideas like this as secular and harmless, because they are very similar to irrational, guilt-inducing beliefs in Christianity and many other religions. No child has their parents "in every cell of their body". The child of a serial killer does not have to "end the cycle of serial killing", for example. It's not that I think the idea is evil so much as it is absurd.

[@MissMaria1988]

Here in norway, when the child is 12, he can decide. If its abuse into it one have to protect the child. The rest what this man is talking about, i do understand too. I think most do.

[@rogersmith195]

I would like to add, that being a child who hated how his father treated him, and swore never to be like him in word or habit, became exactly like his father in both word and habit, exactly as Thay said I would. If I were this boy, and someone gave me this gift at his age, I may have learned to love the father inside of me and treated him better while he was alive. Thay gave this boy the most insightful feedback he will ever receive on this issue in his lifetime, so for me that's number four. 4. Thay knowing all of the above, gave this boy the most important insight he needs to meaningfully transform his relationship with his father. I only wish I had known at his age. That's the T people.

[@AG-ej7wm]

Maybe the actual spiritual question was not, how can I change my father. But: Is there a limit to being a loving and compassionate son, if it harms me and I'm endangered? And the answer is yes, there is a limit and no, you don't have to keep doing this. Love yourself. Protect yourself. You can't change somebody who doesn't want to change.

[@AshleyLebedev]

So well said!!!

[@claritywellnesscoaching768]

I love what Thay says about dealing with the energy inside, but we do have to deal with the reality outside as well. Somebody asked a similar question to Pema Chödrön and I loved her answer. She said something like, “When you let someone else abuse you, not only is it not good for your own karma but it’s also not good for their karma. So in a sense, you are doing them a big favor if you do not allow them to abuse you.” That makes a lot of sense to me, although there are situations where children cannot stop it. But as they get older, they can have a bit more choice…

[@christa3224]

Interesting!

[@ununhexium]

I was in an abusive relationship struggling with the same thing and my friend, a future Buddhist chaplain, told me that I should not remain in a situation that causes me unnecessary suffering. It definitely struck a chord in me. I wish Thay had addressed that side of the issue.

[@christinfierro8009]

My counselor shared that same insight with me. Life altering.

[@lisaj.jingmu1167]

I’d love to hear more of what Pema said on this. Could you share which talk or book it came from? 🙏🏼

[@claritywellnesscoaching768]

@@christa3224 Yes, I found it very interesting and helpful to me as well!

[@ritatocta7583]

I was in a abusive relationship for years and when I was trying to break out I read of his books, he said to love even stronger. If you don't feel loved, love the other person even stronger. And so I did. I was in a relationship with a person with narcisist personality disorder and no my love didn't make any change it only allowed him to hurt me more. It ended and I do believe things happen when they have too but most gurus are very protected from everyday life I feel. I once heard another guru, Mooji, advising badly a woman who was clearly under post-traumatic stress and had left her children in cult where they beated children with sticks and his words and advice were along the lines of "move on, they'll get out when they want to". To break free from injustice is just as spiritual, no need to accept suffering that other human beings inflict on you.

[@carolrose]

Loving an abusive person means not allowing them to abuse you again.

[@ununhexium]

@@carolrose Then they need to definitely say that...

[@11Rogue-Disciple11]

Narcissism is the greatest pandemic of our times. It is truly unbelievable how many ppl suffer from it. Directly and indirectly. A true bane of our existence...

[@sachalusty4819]

Buttist stuff is terrible. Mental salve for slaves.

[@tracy9157]

That's scary that Mooji advised that. I think a lot of this 'advice' isn't clear enough for those in traumatic abusive relationships. It should be leave the abusive relationship then work on you, and if necessary work on the parts of your ex- partner that still affect you. xx

[@PlugIntoSybie]

What a powerful lesson. I'm accustomed to listening to adults share their pain from years ago, but this was a reminder that we were all children once. I have such a deep appreciation for the bravery of this young man to share his question.

[@LydiaHJR]

It just breaks my heart so deep to just seeing this child asking a question like this. I pray for him and ask for forgiveness not making a better world for young souls. I am sorry. Love you all.

[@mahlina1220]

Love the father inside of you.. break the cycle.

[@nagihangot6133]

mai There is only one Father, and He is in the Kingdom of Heaven, and the Kingdom of Heaven, according to Jesus Christ, "is within you."

[@MissMaria1988]

Yes.. and stay away if its harmful.

[@bradleywells1071]

Thank you

[@GuerrierJulius]

Thank you

[@ras_krystafari3333]

Amen

[@AndroidSpirit]

I’ve become my abusive parent in the way I speak at times. So I have to change my parent inside of me to break the cycle. I’ll try doing this.

[@Donna-cc1kt]

And you are on your way to end the cycle and obtain peace with your self, father and son. You have already done much work. You see yourself. God bless you and all of your loving efforts.❤️

[@trippasnippa119]

youre doing a great thing I too see my dad in some of my actions. Hopefully i can change my dad.

[@lithiumkc8]

🙏

[@sallyzhou5876]

We all need to. Realization make you change, mindfulness is the key.

[@k8eekatt]

Having self compassion, meditating, can really help you become a good parent toward your inner father aspect. How are you doing? It's been a challenging year for many.

[@OkayBilly]

Thich is giving the child an answer in the context of Buddhism as the child practices Buddhism. Thich said that the child Doesn’t have to visit his father to change his father. Thich is basically telling him to focus inward to avoid repeating his father’s behavior. After he’s transformed himself (wisdom)then he’ll be more equipped to confront his father’s behavior. He’s not telling him to continue visiting his father; he’s giving him a tool to help process the experience so that he avoids becoming like his father( the father in him/continuation) and further suffering.

[@veritysmart]

Never seek to change others, only seek to change within. Every relationship becomes part of our experience, our story. What we choose to do with that is what matters.

[@cIeetz]

damn i can feel his pain from the first word, too young to feel like that

[@ktb183]

Painful. This child is suffering. It can be abuse, even sexual abuse. No, theories of inside outside will solve that. I had expected better. I hear only theories.

[@lifeartist6403]

@@ktb183 what will?

[@ziparis]

@@ktb183 It's not sexual abuse. That vibe isn't there. Sounds more like the father is a very difficult, obstinate man, unwilling to change or make even basic concessions to make life easier.

[@RagingBad]

Kerstin Teglof you didn't understand anything he said, that's different

[@TomorrowWeLive]

His?

[@alisinimoho836]

I guess it basically means, when an important figure in our lives fails to fulfill their role towards us, then we must teach ourselves to fulfill that role towards ourselves from within, to nurture ourselves and support ourselves so we would be free and not dependent. So we may grow and be able to give what we have not been given because we have taught ourselves to give it to ourselves, then, any negative pattern in that sense would be broken.

[@elenabekasova273]

I fully agree with you.

[@callmewaves1160]

Thanks for explaining this because I felt that what he has said here is unhelpful.

[@merrycristy]

First, stop seeing your father. He Is dangerous..I can see the fear in this kid!! Then, you Can safely do your inner Work!!

[@lizah.3800]

The advice Thay gave was incomplete because he didn’t mention the external problem the child was facing. Let me try to bridge this gap. In 2002 I visited plum villiage. I was in a verbally abusive relationship at that time and I told Thay I was having trouble leaving it because I knew why my boyfriend had mood issues (he had been abused, and also had mental health issues). I said I had so much compassion for him it was hard to leave. Thay looked at me and said, “don’t confuse a lack of courage with compassion. Compassion is the ending of suffering and removing this person from your life is ending suffering.” Later that night he gave a long dharma talk on how the Buddha once sent his monks away because they were disrespecting him. He said anger can be a tool that protects us as well. While Thay believed it was critical not to permanently cut off family members, he also did not believe people should suffer abuse. He tried to find balance between these forces.

[@breadman5048]

Yeah I think the relationship between you and a boyfriend and a child and father is very different. Thic just can’t say oh don’t ever see your father again. That’s a young boy. Also thic must know a little more about the situation as the boy has been coming to him for a while.

[@lizah.3800]

Thanks for your feedback. Please reread my post. I’m not saying Thay was advocating for a permanent cut off- but rather not to accept abuse in instances of possible individual injury.

[@breadman5048]

@@lizah.3800 yeah a child should able to trust parent and not be abused

[@lizah.3800]

Shuaib- agreed. That is the way I wish it could be, and how it’s supposed to be in a perfect world.

[@jn8922]

Your comment was extremely helpful. I have suffered years of abuse and today like other days, I felt helpless and turned to the internet. This child's bravery and your comment made me realise I'm hiding. The word "Cowardice" at first hurt my feelings but its true. I am being cowardly in not ending this damaging relationship (my sister whom I live with has been torturing for me years and there's no point detailing the cruelty but she has basically treated me like a maid - for the first fews years I blamed myself and believed the abusive things she said but realisation came after meditation that her mental problems are not of my making.) Now I'm only left with the question of why I didn't do more to leave.

[@TheChristinaprincess]

This kid was not asking this question from its legal or social point of view, otherwise he would’ve seek help from police or a social worker. The reason he came to Hanh is because he was looking for some other kind of advice and I don’t think it could’ve been responded any better than this.

[@billyjudyteates1692]

Yes, exactly, he needs inner peace.

[@mayj257]

The boy is not a lawyer he does not know the justice system. He is looking for help and asking if he still has to visit his dad

[@taraiarusso9625]

@@mayj257 Exact;y! He's a CHILD. The adults in this child's life need to let this kid off the hook and act in his best interest. The child is suffering, he needs validation. The choice should not be his to make, if he is being abused in any way his guardian should not allow him to see his father period.

[@fionam3735]

If the other person is toxic then you may need to remove yourself from the situation to work on yourself. You do not have to force yourself to be in someone else’s company. But go deeper into yourself to come to peace in yourself. X

[@DS-yz7ye]

"The way to not lose hope is to make progress everyday"... such a wonderful insight 🙏

[@lauramakin834]

Dear Thich Nhat Hanh, not long ago I was watching a KZbin video about the Dalai Lama and I noticed a recommended video of you in conversation with Oprah Winfrey. I wondered who you were and watched and listened to the conversation. I was "touched" to say the least and wanted to find out more about you. It was a great introduction to you for the average person who doesn't know who you are yet. Not long after I watched this Q&A video and again was "touched" and almost moved to tears. One evening I kind of caught my daughter when she wasn't doing anything and invited her to watch this video. Reluctantly she watched and her attention was quickly caught. You even made her laugh when talking of the conservative monks and never being able to truly divorce a partner no way. When finished she turned around with tears in her eyes and she too had been "touched." I bought your book 'The long road turns to joy' as I suffer from agoraphobia and am wanting to learn walking meditation. So, the next book will be 'Peace is every step' :) I hear you are in Plum Village Thailand recovering from a stroke? I am in a first floor room in Brighton, England overlooking a garden and beautiful tree with the autumn sun shining. My cat Lily is sleeping at the end of the bed and my dog Max is playing at being a guard dog downstairs. They are a great help with the agoraphobia. From my room to yours I send my best wishes. I hope you are feeling better with each new day. Much love to you from Laura x

[@eriesaldali2763]

Hello Laura. I too became interested in Thich Nhat Hanh's teachings after watching the interview on Oprah. I want to also share with you about Dennis Simsek and his podcast called The Anxiety Guy. You can check out the website, anxietyexit.com to find out more. I promise that you will find information that is relatable for someone who deals with Agoraphobia and/or GAD. I have been listening and practicing Dennis's teachings and I am in a beautiful transition. I have come far and from where I was and have a never ending journey that I am so thankful for now. I hope the same for you.

[@freshencounter]

In my experience I’ve learned that letting go of needing or wanting my family to change, allows me to focus first and foremost on me. And yes, the practice of letting go and stepping away from my family has allowed me to cultivate compassion for their suffering and understand they did the best they could based on their life experience. My parents have passed and I have also stepped away from harmful siblings. Many years of practice has encouraged me to do so in and with compassion; they are long forgiven. They are not wrong or bad, they are on their own spiritual journeys, one that conflicts with mine. After seeing this, even sadness is released, because in order to be connected there would have to be denial of self from some side and I won’t live that way when I can help it. Now I am left with me cleaning up and freeing myself from the physical, verbal and emotional trauma of my youth. There’s so much unseen and unknown; thick cobwebs that won’t let go. Forgiveness and compassion practices have been necessary, and sometimes not enough as we take in what adults around us offer so deeply. Fortunately, this is my adopted family so I know I can release some of the characteristics I learned/took on that were harmful to me and outwardly. We can love our families and leave them; perhaps return if it feels right. And seeing clearly into ourselves selves with love and compassion is where the healing is; we can create a more loving existence for ourselves from here, because love is everywhere and the practices, including meditation, make us more available to it. I hope after this talk this youth was taking care of. If they say they feel danger, I hope the community can provide some space from harm (aka their parent) and self healing. At this tender age, safety is paramount!

[@mercedesmcvey1776]

"We don't need to go and see him--we can change the father IN OURSELVES; the way we breathe, walk, talk, can change him IN OURSELVES..."

[@blessing198]

Wow,Very powerful!!

[@28105wsking]

No, you do not need to see your father anymore. If you feel it is dangerous, if you feel that you are so upset and unhappy when you see him, if he goes out of his way to make you feel bad about yourself, swears at you, hurts you verbally or physically, you DO NOT NEED TO SEE HIM ANYMORE. The situation is too hard for you to handle at your present stage of development. His treatment of you is saying that he doesn't want to see you anymore either, he is incapable of being the kind of father you want and need, so choose another good, loving, warm and capable man to be your father figure and friend, to give you direction and guidance in your life. Don't feel bad or guilty about it either. Just say love you, bye and let that be the end of it. When you see him again some day, your relationship can just be short and sweet. That's all. Don't keep going to someone who hurts you. Respect yourself, protect yourself, remove yourself from that situation. You are a wonderful kid! Full of intelligence, gentleness, and ability. Have no doubts about your worth and value because you have a father who is incapable of thinking about anyone but himself.

[@stevengoodheart7939]

28105wskingg Couldn't agree more! Whatever one may know, or understand, about "interbeing," it's not this young child's responsibility in any way to become the "parent' and try to change her father. This would just be continued abuse; the child having to take responsibility for the father's klesha's, his mental toxins. That is just simply, clearly wrong. And what's more, in the Buddha's earliest recorded teachings, the Pali canon, the Buddha has teaching after teaching about avoiding people who are harmful, who drag you down, who cause suffering. The Buddha taught that each of us is responsible for our own karma, our own thoughts and actions, even if we exist at some fundamental level in interdependence. Children need, above all, to be protected from abuse and harm, *especially* from abusive, self-destructive parents. And the thing is, you do not help an abuser by being his/her victim and enabling them out of a false sense of familial or filial relationship, again, regardless of metaphysical views about "interbeing." The rock and foundation of Buddhist teaching is sila, morality, and it trumps metaphysical views in the name of love and compassion lead to danger and harm. The deep and wise books of Alice Miller, on childhood abuse and what she call "poisonous" pedagogy offer a truly moral and enlightened path to keep children safe and recovering what was murdered in childhood. When this brave young child is an adult, she may then look into if it is *wise* and *compassionate* to approach such a person, and all the "interbeing" in the world doesn't compel anyone to expose him or herself to harm or danger, child or adult.

[@rikar2001]

+28105wsking This is a very difficult situation, she is too young to know how to deal with the it or protect herself. She should try to not hate her father, but instead try to understand him. It doesn't mean she has to be with him. Sometimes you just have to let go.

[@Janewomanpower]

+Steven Goodheart thank you. i am familiar with Alice Miller. THis is dangerous advice to give to a child and the sends a wrong message to other listeners. it gives an already abused child more reasons to shame her being. i am so sad to hear this advice. i hope someone in the audience had enough insight to reach out to this child and tell her differently. and get her the support and help she needs.

[@28105wsking]

I agree, Jane! Absolutely. Here we have a cultural disconnect as Vietnam is a Chinese society and puts great emphasis on filial piety.

[@RichardFeynmanRules]

+Janewomanpower Couldn't agree more.

[@davecub]

If not seeing your father helps you heal, then do that. You owe him nothing. You don't have to endure continued abuse. Heal yourself

[@virginiaresanda]

I know how she feels as I still have a lot of emotional scars from my father, let alone other scars. The pain is so in her face and voice. She needs to stay AWAY from the physical human being so that she CAN heal herself from the inside. I do so agree with him that she must change her relationship with her internal father. But she needs to let go of the external father for her own mental healths sake. I am so so so so so much better now that he is NOT an active part of my life. I to this day can not stand to see him, but I have found deep peace with his physical person not being near me. I would tell her that some people are our negative teachers and they show us what NOT to do in life. If she can learn to regard him that way, she will find deeper peace. Also knowing what he has been through as a human being. BUT it never means allowing him and his abuse around her as a person.

[@curlygirl8860]

No one should EVER be forced to be near a hurtful person. That would be adding further abuse to the individual. The child needs advocates that know this.

[@BR-md7hm]

Exactly, its not your job to convince your parent to stop hurting you. Children have no responsibility for the actions of their parents, the adults are supposed to protect minors.

[@mphomakama4169]

I agree with you, the child need to get away from this man physically and start his own way to embrace the father in him wethout seeing his own father, it's unfortunate whn our parents do this to us an later expect us to love them back, the child need to move on.

[@e.l.n214]

Thank you for this post thich. As someone who has suffered abuse as a child and now all of the brothers have to live together in the same house for reasons. This was the most helpful. My demanor and behavior doesnt serve to heal the other person it only causes more hate. If i want to heal them i have to show more love and meditate. I currently feel like meg from family guy where i am attacked daily by all my family members. But he is right. The amount of love in the world makes me want to cry. Its so beautiful. I also read viktor frankl and he inspired a book and later movie. Where in one scene a women makes her attacker stop when she looks into the man with love. Im scared to repeat. No more samsara. I will mediate tomorrow night. I cant stay up late today. Getting up at 4. I feel relieved im soo stressed. Thank you.

[@lifeisshortpeace7783]

My friend,I once saw a real life court case of a serial killer.the victims family one by one hurled abuse and cursed the serial killer to burn in hell forever. But he didn't show remorse or any emotions. Then a mother of a victim said I forgive you for your crime against my daughter and I hope that you spent your life imprisonment sentence in finding peace and love in your heart.suddenly the serial killer burst into tears and cry hysterically.great men will not return hatred with hatred but with love and compassion. The people that bully you is people without wisdom.forgive them.have a nice day.

[@sweeetly]

Im happy to see satsang open for children.

[@darlaclark4342]

We are not are father or our mothers , We are free thinker individual human beings, we must learn to forgive as forgiveness will heal us from the inside… Really forgive ! If you are emotional abused ,physically abuse etc. this is not your fault , it’s the abusers fault . If the feeling of all these types of abuse or affecting your life… Forgive and move away from the pain .

[@chandanamaitra5692]

Let Go..... You can never change a person who does not want to.... On the contrary these people can become more aggressive and can even attack violently

[@turtlegeneral]

So enlightening. I had so much frustration with my parents for not accepting me for being gay.. but now I realise all this frustration leads to no good and I need to "invite them to walk with me".. from within me 🙏

[@ip3043]

I think it's a bit unfortunate the way this video can give the wrong impression. I think it would've helped if viewers knew from the start that this boy has been going to Plum village for a long time, that he's being supported and is safe and no one is expecting him to still see his dad. The Dharma advice is very helpful and wise. My main concern is for the child's wellbeing and to know Thay wasn't ignoring this child's suffering and vulnerability by overly focusing on the emotionally mature practice of healing the father inside.

[@anakein]

Could you please go into a bit of detail about this practice of healing the parent or partner inside? I'm a newbie here, was wondering if somebody could explain that practice. Is there a particular name for the practice? How does one go about it? I've been suffering from childhood trauma related issues, CPTSD to be precise, so... I'd very much appreciate your help. Thanks.

[@ANKITKUMAR-kc2zw]

miles ignotus what i understand is that suppose you want x qualities in your partner and dont like y qualities.Then you should transform yourself to have those x qualities and to remove those y qualities in yourself (as the partner is a part of you due to inimacy and you will have his tendencies stuck with you).So you need to remove these qualities because you will start hating yourself and the suffering caused by them will give you energy to transform these qualities.So you have to go through the suffering collect the energy and use it to transform yourself.I dont know if someone can do this by themselves.

[@schroeder666]

His father isn't inside him. There is no samsara in which children are responsible for purging their father's sins. The child of a serial killer or rapist isn't responsible to heal some stain or sin that is inside them from the parent being a sociopath or having a personality disorder. All of this is entirely wrongheaded and hearing people make excuses simply because they worship this man or have a fantasy about his enlightenment is ultimately a path of delusion.

[@josephsaff]

@@schroeder666 I think the point is that your suffering that results from a relationship with someone follows you around all day, whether or not you are physically proximate to them. Therefore the main way to deal with the suffering is to focus on how they exist inside you rather than trying to change them externally, which often doesn't work anyway. In terms of the practical matter of seeing an aggressive or violent person or not, that for sure must be determined on a case by case basis, but the basic principle that you mainly deal with your suffering caused by another person by bringing awareness to your relationship with the person as they exist inside your own consciousness will be helpful for most people. Whether healing the relationship that exists inside you will also help pacify and heal your aggressive family member is really a secondary issue to your own well-being and I don't think Tich was claiming that this is your responsibility or that it is even necessarily within your control. But sometimes it does happen that our own healing with regards to a relationship does have a positive effect on the other person.

[@ishworshrestha3559]

Hah

[@duwomaiishgabrielle9498]

Love yourself first, don’t be afraid, don’t take anything to Heart that doesn’t come from the heart!

[@belle2154]

No child should ever be in the presence of an abuser ...especially if the child feels unsafe. Never ever.

[@EFTtapping218]

The person who must take responsibility is the father. Please protect this kid.

[@muddywaters8272]

This is a child whos clearly being abused and asking if its HIS responsibity to change the situation. This is a cry from a CHILD for help. HE' s not a man but a young boy who may benefit greatly by the masters words but now he needs to be treated as child who should not have to feel responsible at all for anything.He needs to be told clearly that its absolutely ok if he doesnt want to see his father and that its not his fault nor his responsibility to change his father. While he may be mature for a child he ...he IS still a child who may be too afraid to seek other avenues of help and feels he has to take it upon himself to remedy the situation as best he can. I hope someone responded to his cry for help and got him to safety.

[@mayj257]

True Dat !!!..It should have first been CLEAR that the boy should not be harmed, physically , emotionally or mentally in any way. Not seeing psycho Pop, first priority .

[@clickbaitmassacre8668]

Stay away from a pathological narcissist/psychopath! They will not stop trying to break you until they´ve destroyed you completely and they will never change! They envy each kind of positivity and that´s why they permanently want to turn it to negativity. They´re evil to the core...no empathy, no remorse! No love in the world can heal them...you can just try and heal yourself! Good luck, strong and brave boy and stay away form evil!

[@ceciliaguerrero3568]

Min 3:58 " we need to see that our father is in us, he is present in every cell of our body. We have our father in us. We are the continuation of our father in us..it may be easier to change the father inside us. You can do it 24 hours a day. ....Invite him to walk with us, sit with us, smile with us"

[@soulthriver-oz6470]

Dont even think about trying to change another person. Just think how hard it is to even change yourself!

[@hienvo8567]

Listening to the girl voice made my heart broken. I almost cried because I could feel so much pain and suffering in her voice. I feel sorry for her, but also wish her all the best to resolve the prolem with her father.

[@mayj257]

The girl is a boy but resolving the problem with the father should be last on his list. Living a safe life is the priority

[@kiraalialeeonfairythegreenone]

Under NO circumstances should the young person put their emotional or physical safety at risk. To the young person- Do not put yourself in danger by exposing yourself to an abusive parent. Emotional abuse is emotional abuse regardless of the connection to the other person. Physical violence is physical violence regardless of the connection to the other person. Self love and self protection are of paramount importance for this young person. You cannot plead, beg, demand that a person love or like you in the way that you truly need and want.. If you keep forgiving them and waiting and hoping for them to change, they will continue the cycle of abuse because they will regard your forgiveness as a weakness and an invitation to continue abusing you.They are who they are. Their behaviour is entrenched. They are unwilling and unable to change their lifelong patterns of behaviour without therapy because it's very possible that they do not see that they are doing anything wrong. Even the Dalai Lama left his own country to escape impending violence from another country. He did not stay to give those who threatened him and his people, another chance... the consequences would have been horrendous. Your life and emotional health and safety are truly more important than trying to change the cruel, abusive parent into the loving, kind and caring parent that you truly deserved. Let it go. Let the fantasy of changing them go and accept the reality no matter how difficult. Asserting how you feel and expressing what you need is NEVER a guarantee that the abuser is going to change. Abusers feel justified in hurting others. It's who they are Let your parent go and feel no guilt or shame. For your sanity's sake. Let go... and grieve. If you need trauma therapy or counselling, please do so without shame. Sometimes the people who are meant to love and care for us.... do not have our best interests at heart. I'm so sorry... but that's the painful truth.😔

[@theallshowgamingsingingand4400]

Buddha once said that the moment you begin to realize and transform yourself, it's the first step to liberation. In the end , output would be decided as your dedication goes into your and others healing. Stay blessed 🙏

[@TheLaladingdong]

This is good advice - except he didn't address the fact that she said he was dangerous. He also didn't address the matter of responsibility. How responsible is the girl towards her father, despite his unwillingness to change?

[@_jacobtucker_]

Beautiful response. I thought he also could've mentioned that it is ok to separate yourself from someone if you find that the situation is still very harmful or intolerable, even after doing the inner work.

[@jayaom4946]

At 4:22 Thay said that you don't need to go and see him to do this practice. You can change him by changing yourself. He also said this about someone who is struggling with their husband or wife, even if they divorce them. It seemed clear to me that he didn't tell him or anyone that they must continue a physically connected relationship.

[@joltjolt5060]

Avoiding dangerous people is the first hard lesson in life.

[@joselibertad8515]

Often, we always forget our parents are not grow up and they stay child in their mind. There are parent who have suffered in the childhood and, today, they not to try accepting to need help. Who induce suffering in the other people, is because they suffering theirself. When one person suffering, bring suffering to others. When one person is happy, he don't bring suffering to others.

[@stebarg]

Siddhartha Sakyamuni yes, I think so. My father was probably not grown up, that’s why he abused me. I’m a bit more grown up now being about twice as old as my father was back then. However, I don’t feel being ready to be a good/ “perfect” father. I constantly working on myself being a better person and making the world a better place. Unfortunately my girlfriend is not able to get pregnant. I feel like my effort to become a better father is wasted. 😔

[@malavikakumari4810]

@@stebarg from the depths of your heart and soul forgive your father. Write a detailed letter addressed to your father telling him about how his bad behavior and abuse towards you was not justified and describe how it has impacted you. When you finish writing the entire letter sit in a quiet place, placing a chair in front of you. Imagine your father is seated opposite you. Read out the letter to him. After that tell him that despite his behavior you are forgiving him and wish him the best and visualize him leaving and going away. Then forgive yourself for the sadness, pain and emotional suffering your body and soul has experienced. Hug yourself - your inner child. Then when ready burn the letter.

[@stebarg]

Malavika Kumari, thank you for the suggestion. It sounds very good. In my mind, I’ve already forgiven him and all others who do bad things because I know everyone is doing the best possible. We all have our limits, weaknesses, and imperfections. Can we actively change anything, or is everything already set, and we do only react and have the misconception we do something out of our consciousness? I’ll try to write that letter and do the ritual. 🙏🏽

[@frv6610]

@@stebarg @Stefan Grabe i haven't been able yet to overcame my negative feelings towards my father, they are cycling guilt, anger, fear, sadness, bitterness, over and over. I have good feelings too towards my father but absurdly they make me feel guilty for trying to heal my negative feelings. The reason might be that i have a negative bonding. It is absurd that i feel like it's my duty to feel stuck in this negativity for the sake of continued relationship otherwise it means i abandon our negative relationship which is a hateful despicable thing to do. Like you i wonder if i can become a happy good father with happy family or if i'm gonna be stuck with this negativity forever. Why can't your girlfriend become pregnant? You can get maybe permission from her to make a child with another woman.

[@stebarg]

@@frv6610 We are not sure why she can't get pregnant. She has many psychological issues too and a lot of stress related to financial difficulties. We are in a downwards spiral for years, now, and it's getting worse and worse. Yesterday, she got mad at me for a tiny reason and almost killed me. I have a very strange live for some years now. No hope, no sight how to go on. The future looks pitch black. I can't see any way out. A lot of debt and no income.

[@me0di3n]

the kid actually was at the retreat and came to the retreat every year as Thay has mentioned. He might be more capable of understanding Thay's answer than some adults here who couldn't even grasp the very basic meaning of his answer but already very quick jumping into the hero role and criticise Thay's answer. Please practice deep listening first before jumping into your subjective conclusion

[@jbullets2175]

these videos have me in awe. such great kids who hold so much compassion.

[@Embodied.bliss.somatics]

jodi balas yes absolutely amazing

[@Fallingxleaves]

Poor child. I also have a very toxic father and it really messed with my mental health. Unfortunately I am living with him right now because I lost my job and have nowhere else to go. When not looking for a new job I just hide in my room to avoid him and his anger. I hope this child finds peace.

[@tatianalopez8017]

Ashley I hope you find peace and are able to get out of that situation. I’ve been in that position it’s torture

[@frv6610]

I still don't understand why some fathers are angry, what is their problem?

[@margauxcollins6839]

Nobody has to take abuse . Many children have decided not to follow their parents way of life . In all respect , his answer is not the best one

[@pennylane2854]

To the sweet child asking the question, first I wish to hug you and tell you that everything will be ok ❤️ growing up with a challenging parent is tough because you're still naive and fragile mentally and physically and unlike a spouse, you do not choose your parents. But it's exactly how it's meant to be. You shall realise one day that all the suffering you've experienced has taught you as well. Keep your mind and heart open and never forget power lies within your thoughts 🙂

[@onanongaticombunthidkul675]

I grew up in a disfunctional family. And I always felt it was my responsibility to help them and change them. Since that where I belong. But it created more chaos. As I was willing to be more honest and authentic I realize that I only did it for myself. And I didn't have what it takes to truely help them yet. Because part of me deep down I was just like them. I was gradually turning that responsibility back to them and God. I pray for them and love them from a distacne. I interact with them as a level that doesn't create conflicts. I set the boundery and focus my energy on healing myself. Because I truely believe that is the right way to help everyone. Otherwise I was part of the problems.

[@trevormitchell3359]

Thich Nhat Hanh, such a beautiful wise man. Many truths there, but tbh, I do get concerned when it was expressed that it is getting dangerous to see the father.....Alarm bells ring! Any good psychologist would recognise that personal safety is above trying to transform oneself, to then affectively transform another. Yes, it can happen, but by authoritizing one's right for care, for demonstrating healthy boundaries, these are much more important. This also makes the father realise that his actions aren't, never have and never will be acceptable. I have personally had this experience, and by saying enough was enough, my father was finally able to see how abusive he was. Like I said, we still need to heal the inner father in us, but we also have to take responsibility for our own duty of care, and in this situation, it seems clear that the child needs distance to be protected.

[@jayangli]

I waited for my father for over 35 years to change. Thank you for his explanation in the video here.

[@danielx40]

Hi people, just some background here as many have expressed that the situation of physical abuse needs intervention instead of realization. Just as a reminder, Thich Nhat Hanh is not a stranger to violence and danger. He led non-violent protests in the 60s during civil war in Vietnam. Bullets were flying and people were being killed all over the place. And the wisdom of Thich's Mahayana lineage, is to generously remain peaceful and realized in front of insanity of violence. It is the act of jesus as well, as Jesus wasn't trying to get out of the crucifixion or ask for intervention. That is the superior way than to change the external situation. Thich was nominated for nobel because of this way in dealing with violence and danger. The child is way too mature; Thich is providing his way according to his experience.

[@Elena-Studio]

This is a child. A child. A child who is trying to change someone else. Because in that change, he is trying to SAVE that person. The discussion is we look inward, not outward. We cannot change others. So difficult as a child though. I am so sorry.

[@emmai4372]

We create our reality through the vibrations we send out. These vibrations are a result of the thoughts we think .The vibrations attract others like it (this is the Law of Attraction at work), until enough energy has been gathered to bring it into the physical. Meditation for peace, acceptance, and compassion create the vibrations needed to transform other persons because one self is first transformed. I change myself when I change my thoughts, feelings and behaviour.

[@engleharddinglefester4285]

the short answer is no

[@Rosebud2503]

Common sense lol

[@josrietveld]

And what will be accomplished by that? It is the easy way out. This child clearly loves its father and seeks ways to resolve the problems. I think that is very commendable. Trying to make things right, even when it is not your fault. Even when the odds are bad. Because of love.

[@gustavoafragoso]

@M Deen Sometimes, saying "no" and establishing limits is the only way to give someone an opportunity to change.

[@holgerdanske3960]

@@gustavoafragoso That's exactly the point!!

[@stebarg]

No means disconnection, which is not the solution. You’ve heard the solution.

[@positivelybeautiful1]

Buddhism has 3 aspects: First, Religion is for Buddhist. Buddhism respects all religion, because it will be confusing for non -Buddhist to understand because it is not based on God, the creator, but on Oneself. It preaches compassion and to accepts unity, therefore accepts all religion. The second aspect is based on Science. Therefore, any questions, Buddhism encourage to find knowledge for yourself. Third, is based on Psychology. Therefore, Thich Nhat Hanh is saying that only you can change your perceptions, acting, reacting within yourself may be able to change that person. So, basically, you can not change the other person, her father, but can only change herself from within. As for her physical welfare, of course that has to be the most important and a MUST!

[@grandmabear2840]

💜i.e. you only have control of you. My mother was a narcissist and my father a lifelong alcoholic. I learned over time that I could tap into the universal mother and father to find nurturance and compassion. This then grew into a self love. Now when I ask for love outside of myself I am given the answer that I Am Love

[@isabs8616]

" your father makes you suffer, you will do the same " this is a curse. This boy doesn't need to be cursed, he needs justice. He may be able to forgive his father one day, but needs first to be taken away from harassment. A boy is not supposed to educate his father.

[@carolrose]

You completely missed the point. He did not curse him. He stated a fact that he has seen happen,

[@YellowPineappleHoyas]

I totally understood what he was saying. We need to make peace with our parents, so we will be at peace within and suffer less later in life.

[@jenniferl8574]

I agree with the last comment. Hanh is not saying the kid needs to keep the relationship with him father in the physical sense. He basically said to heal by creating the father we want within ourselves (in our head). Envision a father that is good inside so you can separate from the bad and become that greater person yourself.

[@gixellia8455]

He needs to let go of trying to change his father, then to protect himself, leave the father and give himself time to develop spiritually.

[@alchemists4443]

This is exactly what I need right now! I’m learning how to transform myself. The biggest issue I’ve had inside myself of the relationship I have with my mother. She is what I don’t want to be, naturally people change people who they dont like. I gave up on trying to change her, she would get very angry when I told her what she was doing. Going inside myself and healing the relationship I have with me, and forgiving and accepting my mother is what I need to be working on (and I am working on it). This is a wonderful video!

[@alchemists4443]

leila lalala wonderful advice, thank you!

[@angelikanugent3506]

the answer would have been a perfect answer for an adult child of an abusive parent. I wonder how this answer is supposed to protect the child from further abuse ?

[@DEVAofficial]

angelika nugent why not teach this to a child young? While their brain is developing, soaking up everything like a sponge. Help them build these connections early. Its so much harder to undo and rewire

[@sky.the.infinite]

@@DEVAofficial Because they are a CHILD and therefore inherently MORE vulnerable. Especially, and specifically in regards to physical and/or emotional violence/endangerment.

[@sky.the.infinite]

@angelika nugent AGREED!

[@juliebbpereira7256]

It is not necessary to keep in touch, but it is necessary to see the person as they are, to see the truth of them and doing so, accepting that is what they are. After the acceptance we observe in ourselves our parents and start transforming the ways that are no longer adequate. In doing so, in transforming our parents in us, they also get some healing. Again, if is not safe being around the parents, the contact is not needed. Sometimes the distance is necessary for some healing to happen. We cannot heal if we keep being wounded. The sore spot needs time alone and protected in order to heal.

[@arnolddalby5552]

Stay away from negative people who do not love you, honour you and celebrate your existence. Always go where you are loved and appreciated by people who connect with you because birds of a feather flock together which means find your energetic flock who you connect with and appreciate you and stay with them.

[@branandubh]

This path is a little different: go beyond attraction and aversion and don't avoid anything. Difficult relations have something to teach us as well. But there are times when I'm sure your advice is good too.

[@Indigo_newness]

Well said

[@MissMaria1988]

@@branandubh In situations with abuse, psychological and or physical its better to love from a distance. My mum had an abusive husband, as the children we where all effected. Its still the case even when he is not here anymore. Its a karma i can see that, but to remove oneself and the kids from this kind of situation is a must. Sorry but it is.

[@lifeisshortpeace7783]

@@MissMaria1988 I agree but there must not be hatred for the person.what thich nan han is saying to the boy is not to have hatred for his father.and see that we are all in the same boat made up of cells.have a nice day.

[@MissMaria1988]

@@lifeisshortpeace7783 I know. Always from the state of love. By the way. Love is the only thing we are. 😊

[@YuYu-kb2kc]

If nothing else was taught by both mother and father than "we are different, we are better", abusing drugs in the same time, being passive-aggressive narcisstic, what else could be the answer than "I have the right to avoid people in the outside world doing harm to me"? Thank you, master, for reminding me the importance of the inside view 🙏

[@ConexionHumanaOficial]

Thank you. Thank You. Thank you dear Thay. I have repeted this video two times in order to understand the answer, and almost in the final, Thay said this boy has been several times there, since he was little kid, for that reason I feel that they have helped to him, because Nuns and Monks are really friendly with every body who visits them, specially with kids. Evangelina Cortes.

[@Kuruflower]

I heard him as.. We need to heal ourselves first. We can't change another but we can change in ourselves what is connecting with the other person's defilements. I did not hear him say to go to his father. I heard him speaking almost exclusively about transforming the father within. As in, if his father has anger, so too does the boy. And by the boy learning to understand and abate (his anger) eventually, the father will learn from the boy, the boy being an example for the father in how to conduct himself in a better way. I would say the boy needs to do this away from the father for a while, (though this was not said), with sangha to help him. I did not hear him say he needed to see his father now.

[@misslee2968]

Sounds like this child was reaching out for help and trying to report child abuse. I sure hope this child made it out OK. OMG. I would rather know that the father seek some sort of therapy before they see each other again. This child said it was becoming dangerous - that can't be good and nothing to take lightly.

[@lindagatter8595]

Yes, I have the same concern. The boy says, 'It's almost become dangerous.' Practising to clear our karma with our parents is one thing, but that can happen without being physically present. Later, when the boy is grown, he can visit with his father again if that is appropriate when the time comes. For now, if the boy is in physical (or psychological) danger from his father then he should be helped to stay away from the father. Can someone at Plum Village please check that this child is safe!

[@Phys1905]

In his answer, Thich Nhat Hanh said you don't need to see him anymore and you don't need to try to change him because that is the outside. Thich Nhat Hanh said you and your father are one. You need to work on the father inside of you and you will start to change the father on the outside. He also told the child to take refuge in the Sangha.

[@lindagatter8595]

Thank you, Jill. I hope the boy understood what Thay was saying better than I did. I'm guessing other students would have helped with that at the time. Thanks again.

[@ninichit6631]

I agreed

[@Ishana_Intuitive]

Yes. I hope the boy got help. Does anyone know?

[@helenal3956]

Not everything should be accepted. There are people doing evil and that you should never embrace and accept because it will corrupt you too.

[@CompassionIsPower]

If it's "dangerous" there's probably abuse going on.

[@tulayamalavenapi4028]

Most likely, but the atmosphere is a bit too philosophical and not very practical for addressing this. I notice he is attracted to women and children, (girl kids). Nobody wants to see the elephant in the room, or say the emperor has no clothes on, but being over polite can be frustrating. It's like someone whispering in your ear, "get away from me".

[@TheAnnegallien]

Bless her little heart ❤️

[@oneseeker2]

He said, visiting his father has become dangerous. He is a child that needs child like answers, his father may beat him, assault him, we do not know.

[@mayj257]

exactly

[@josvn8275]

Poor girl, her voice tells us how much she has suffered.

[@PedroRaposo91]

You cant solve the worlds problems on the same level of consciousness that created them to me this is what he means. Wake up, be present and everything will fall in place. One Love

[@anyolebosman5138]

If we had such teachers teaching children,the world would be a paradise.much love from Uganda 🇺🇬🇺🇬🇺🇬

[@abracadabrahypnotherapyand5613]

The bible also speaks of this, "The sins of the fathers are the sins of the sons down to the third and fourth generation, And of course each generation that repeat the sins of their fathers only add three or four more generations to repeat the cycle. The real problem is that man, ALL PEOPLE, have a sin problem and that sin problem has separated them from the Love and Life of God. The answer is that you must reestablish that relationship with God but because you are separated from God by your sins, there must be something done about that. That is Why Jesus went to a cross and died. To pay for your sins, then he was buried and three days later rose physically from the grave to demonstrate He alone has power to lay down His life for you, and to take it up again FOR YOU! That if you will confess Jesus as the LORD (God in the flesh), and believe in your Heart that God in the Spirit rose God in the Flesh, from the dead, you will be saved, for WHOSOEVER (THAT MEANS: anyone and everyone) who calls on the NAME OF Jesus Christ in faith WILL BE SAVED. Romans 10:9-10,13. We have NO answers to our sin problems on our own, it takes Jesus Christ (God Himself) to save us, because we cannot save ourselves on our own. So call out to Him, read the Book Of John in the New Testament in the bible to learn more!

[@nomsamazibuko4334]

I've come to this point with my mother. I feel so much better if I don't see her nor talk to her. I feel like am in an emotional prison to her which is making me hate her,the more I talk to her, the more I feel I should distance myself from her. 😢

[@dianamary6170]

I feel like I'm in the same boat as you. :(

[@dianamary6170]

You are not alone.

[@upsidedownseal5441]

Communicate your feelings using your fists! That will surely make her understand.

[@X3000Chan]

Look up videos on how to deal with toxic or narcissistic parents. What he is saying can help, but also, basic psychological advice will also help you to understand that it is not your responsibility to parent your parent and its healthy for you to forgive her and distance yourself.

[@nomsamazibuko4334]

@@X3000Chan thanks ☺

[@Angel-ms7sf]

my grandpa was a little abusive with words to my dad, so my dad did the same to me and my sister growing up. We both fortunately moved out young and put an end to this toxicity but i can see him in myself sometimes and i hate it. I will try to forgive him and change him inside of me. So that my future family won’t have to deal with the same and end this cycle.

[@catherineshaw1122]

Why do so many comments seem to think this child is a boy? This is a little girl. And no, she doesn't need to spend time with anyone who abuses her, in any way. Not even parents.

[@amelierichter8253]

This little boy amazes me he is very mature for his age and has big Potential

[@halananh1267]

😢🙏"Never lose your hope. Practice every day". I was confused bc I'm doing different things to my peers. And when Thay said that it's like an affirmation to me. I somehow understand this teaching. By shifting our perspective we will understand why our beloved one do so, and be aware of that action or way of thinking. And by understanding for their action we will be more compassionate with them. Then change that person inside us will navigate our attitudes and actions towards them.

[@maluhia4058]

She is lucky enough getting the answer from her early age to transform her life from within. Even though in the age of 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s... we can still transform from within. Namaste 🙏💜

[@joelblanc2360]

why does this woman need to repeat the question to him?

[@MsTubbytube]

I don't know the circumstance, but is it possible he is deaf on right side?

[@The_Tiffster]

@@MsTubbytube: if he were deaf in his right ear, you'd think that they would have arranged the seating differently.....that would have been a far simpler fix than arranging for someone to be employed to sit on his left side and repeat questions....😉

[@MsTubbytube]

@@The_Tiffster PErhaps it is being repeated for the sake of a recording

[@clairemcfadyen90]

Because English is not a first language of his I assume? It is much easier to just speak another language than listen+translate +then speak. The man may know more languages but maybe not 100% fluent in English. I see this a lot in the UFC or boxing where fighters have a translator translates the question's and then the fighter's answer in English x.

[@josemwarrior]

Because he is not very good in english, and he needs to be sure to make a right answer

[@mirygalas6508]

One of the bias that exist in our shared society is to believe there is one correct answer that applies to all circumstances at all times, at any level of consciousness development, and that such answer usually comes from some type of external authority, whether the religious institutions, an elder, traditions, parents, social expectations, and so on. We assume these answers needn't be carefully assessed, and as much as these answers contain truths, wisdom, and the best of intentions, they are usually geared for a certain level of consciousness maturity, and when they are applied in a earlier stage of development, they exponentially add to the suffering. In this case, the correct answer lies already in this girl: her body, voice, and thoughts are indicating being with her father is quite dangerous, and the safest and wisest route is not be with him anymore. There is no need to continue living in a sick and traumatic environment. Staying with him doesn't mean she will be a "better" buddhist than if she leaves. In fact, leaving can increase her chances of not becoming a hungry ghost in her adult life, and thus become a more mature consciousness capable of applying the teaching shared in here. She can conserve her energy to heal the father she carries within, rather than spend it in keeping in survival mode for another 10 years. A person close to me was in a similar situation, and the recommendation from a spiritual teacher was to "see God in him". She didn't assess the recommendation, and accepted it as the route to take. He didn't change, she continued living in a fearful situation with no break, and eventually developed cancer and died prematurely. If she had followed her own instinct to to leave, she would have been able to heal deeper, and live a healthier, longer life. The other person would have also got a break of a situation in which he was constantly in this role of anger and aggression. I wish this young girl has been able to heal deeply,

[@starrylioness]

I have before been disappointed by his lack of practical experience and advice regarding abusive relationships. It would be natural for a young girl to hope that she could improve the relationship with her father but she is implying that he is abusive. This typically can easily cause doubt in children that it is their fault for the poor relationship even though often it is the adult's problem. I think a clear message to this child that she needs to seek help in this problem from a professional would be the best. This was also the case with a woman asking about trying to change her partner who was abusive. Thay said similar things as in this video. But all experience in abusive relationships shows that the victim of gaslighting, etc. needs clear psychological help to understand the abusive dynamics and how toxic people usually can not be 'changed' by their partner alone.

[@InsideF1]

RIP to the master.

[@WildAlchemicalSpirit]

Yeah, in a nutshell the boy was asking for spiritual advice, not a case worker. He wanted to know if he had to follow the Buddist practice of Filial Piety and still go to his father. Thay showed him another way, one that opens the way to healing from afar.

[@marypoppins123]

I feel this childs use of the word danger should have set the tone for a simple answer which to me and my feelings would have been “ no you do not need to see or have him in your journey of life” you can love him from afar in this lifetime but for now move forward in your life and if or when the chance to see him arises, assess your heart, your intuition and set boundaries if you wish to see him, if not then it is NOT your burden, his issues are his and his alone. You a child of light and love 💓

[@528freq8]

The kid is like WTF are you talking about I pretty much told you my dad's dangerous!