Never punish people for doing what you want: the power of shaping

[@psychacks]

If someone is actually willing to make the effort to do what you want, then under no circumstances should you ever punish them for doing so. It is a much better idea to focus on the parts that they are doing right than to emphasize the (potentially many) parts that they are still doing wrong. By rewarding successive approximations to the target behavior, you can leverage the power of shaping. I discuss more in this episode. Pre-order my book: amzn.to/3UlsTsY Book a paid consultation: oriontarabanpsyd.com/consultations Subscribe to my newsletter: oriontarabanpsyd.com Social Media Facebook: facebook.com/profile.php?id=100090053889622 LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/orion-taraban-070b45168/ Instagram: instagram.com/psyc.hacks Twitter: twitter.com/oriontaraban Website: oriontarabanpsyd.com Orion's Theme: kzbin.info/www/bejne/jaO7c62HZ613e7M Thinking of going to grad school? Check out STELLAR, my top-rated GRE self-study program based on the world's only empirically-validated test prep system. Use the code "PSYCH" for 10% off all membership plans: stellargre.com. Become a Stellar affiliate and earn a 10% commission for every membership purchased by a new student you conduct into the program: stellargre.tapfiliate.com. GRE Bites: www.youtube.com/@grebites4993 Become a Psychonaut and join PsycHack's member community: kzbin.info/door/SduXBjCHkLoo_y9ss2xzXwjoin Sound mixing/editing by: valntinomusic.com Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world. #psychology #relationship #marriage

[@xandercorp6175]

This is a worthwhile concept; but taken to the extreme, it's a recipe to produce an emotional invalid. If a dog shits on the floor inside your house, you don't reward it for shitting slightly on the floor closer to the door to the yard where he's allowed to go. Some requirements are all or nothing, and even when it's not you need to see a significant movement to justify validating the effort. You need to create the conditions for success - as real and complete a success as can be managed - and then recognize when they make the most of that opportunity, and adjust goals and conditions accordingly.

[@xandercorp6175]

I've had nephews put on machine housings wrong, and later had the covers leak and rust the internals; my kids thought their cousins knew what they were doing ("who puts away a machine they don't understand?") and didn't take it all apart themselves to inspect the internals. Now, I didn't give them a hard time over it, but I sure as shit told them they did it wrong, showed them what they did wrong, showed them how to do it right, and then made them do it properly in front of me. After I got them them to clean the rust out of each machine and buy and replace the parts that were beyond repair. Why are we encouraging people to be emotional invalids, and calling it "boundaries", "maturity", and "self-respect"?

[@Bibbo8844hdbks]

Thank Doc, I needed to hear this today.

[@1989Mordwin]

Is there an audiobook version on the way?

[@dynamicsoulslayer]

In general with people who have decent common sense this method is far superior. But when I tried this for the 1st 10 years of the relationship the improvement was net zero, and I brushed it off just being a 10year age gap. Year 11 I became villainous. By year 12 every behavior that was problematic and toxic had finally diminished. The last 2 years have been the relationship I always wanted/needed.

[@hectorp7006]

Reminds me of the One Minute Manager: give praise when you catch somebody doing something almost right not just when they get it right.

[@BenjaminPlaysRust]

Yes!!! I was thinking the same thing (about how this concept applies to leadership so much). It's actually remarkable how few leaders do this.

[@nunyabidness69]

My ex-wife used to complain about the things I did to help her. There was nothing wrong with how I did them; they just weren't how she did them. I got tired of her complaining, so I stopped doing them. Then she complained that I wasn't helping. I came to the conclusion that she was chronically unhappy, never satisfied, and never grateful and I left her. My life has been much better since then.

[@cosmictreason2242]

Didn't take half?

[@whocarescrapsa]

Your ex-wife must be my customer. Two weeks ago, I automated a process which would take one lady 3 full days to complete. It smacks the snot out of my servers for 10 mins solid. I was chuffed with results as we share part of the savings. Today I was called in and told my system is too slow. Show me!! Where, I asked? Look at this, this thing takes 10 mins to run! Thats way too slow. Isn't it fantastic how quickly customer expectations shift whilst their short-term memory is wiped. Luckily, I work for money and not appreciation. Reminds me of another video of Orion's, "Get used to DISAPPOINTING WOMEN: consumptive love is never satisfied".

[@rayrwyr]

This is the story of everyone I think. At least mine.

[@zeenuf00]

So then, like most women?

[@thomashazlewood4658]

This title is a variation on Napoleon's maxim, "Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake".

[@tobe-you-tube6612]

How do you consider someone as your enemy?

[@moxygenpathogen7678]

He said its a variation. Never interrupt your ally when they are trying to do something good for you.

[@MrIrishscouse]

​@@tobe-you-tube6612 A good rule of thumb is if you and another person want the same thing and only one of you can have it, then, you have an enemy.

[@tobe-you-tube6612]

@@MrIrishscouse It's then rivalry

[@DownTheDumpsterFireHole]

I observed this for years teaching ballroom dance. Watching men come to a studio for their wife / girlfriend because she wanted to learn a few steps. I observed group classes where some of the less aware women would openly criticize / mock their men in front of other couples and in my head I would think "he's never coming back" and that would be the last time I would see him. It was sad to see men stepping outside of their comfort zone and doing something awkwardly in front of numerous women and being belittled. On the flip side, you could always tell the couples that were in each other's corner. If you are ever thinking she may be "the one' do a year of dance lessons. The instructor gives you a problem. How do you solve it? Do you turn on one another? Laugh your way through it? If you can't handle Foxtrot you won't handle a mortgage or kids. Just something to consider....

[@akaTheologic]

Sagely wisdom

[@mreese8764]

Interesting!

[@DoriZuza]

Not a bad idea

[@planetary-rendez-vous]

Excellent test, but I would like to have another one because I don't want to dance 😭

[@henrysteadman963]

Excellent, excellent, excellent👌Being in each other’s corner is EXACTLY right…. Love’s not a competition (but I’m winning!😅)

[@hyperteleXii]

Note that narcissists do this to create an atmosphere of uncertainty, where you're doomed if you do, doomed if you don't.

[@niallfitzpatrick6568]

Ooohhh yeah, been there done that and have the bruises and scratches to prove it...seriously.

[@sourapril]

So what's the narcissist' goal? for you to leave them?

[@weirdcoincollection]

​@@souraprilTo frequently create conditions that make them look smarter, stronger, or better than those around them. If they want a childish hit of validation, they'll say or do something that cuts through the peace even if it hurts someone else.

[@jacobrodgers2700]

@@sourapril To supplement what @Lefuza said above, the narcissist's goal is to get you addicted to the game of pleasing them or proving yourself to them, by making you feel great if you succeed, and making you blame yourself when you fail.

[@hyperteleXii]

When researchers experimented on training animals to behave in desired ways, like pressing a button, they discovered that rewarding the animal only some of the time, randomly, got the animal to press the button way more than rewarding it always did. Maybe it works on humans.@@sourapril

[@baozer0]

Reward someone for moving an inch, instead of punishing for just moving an inch. Empowering 👏🏻

[@eric_linden]

Have you ever loaded a dishwasher without being asked, and then told you did it wrong?

[@dvdv8197]

Omg that's so familiar lmfao 😆😂

[@pmaitrasm]

Well said.

[@paulbooij7594]

My wife stopped the dishwasher, rearranged the dishes, and then turned it back on. I told her if she ever did that again, I would never touch the dishes again.

[@literalvampirepotbellygobl5629]

I cleaned the snow off a girl's car after she fell asleep on my couch, because she had said earlier in the evening that she needed to leave by midnight. I didn't want to wake her, and I didn't want her to have to clear two inches of snow by herself after waking up. She got mad at me for doing it. Still don't know why; she wasn't driving a Lambo or something. She had some boring coupe and apparently didn't care about driving it in the winter. But I never invited her over again. I'm sure she's happy with her car.

[@dvdv8197]

@@paulbooij7594 surely she added more dishes to the dishwasher because "you didn't optimize this single washing cycle", while she is actually not optimizing it because she interrupted it? 😅😂

[@GlennHa]

The worst time I (Mechanical Engineer, aerospace) ever got punished at work (yelled at in a status meeting in front of an entire project team) was when I completed a difficult design in a week that, unbeknownst to me, had been predicted to take six to eight months. Yelled at with fist-pounding on the table type of thing. After the meeting I went to the manager and took myself off the project team. From then on did nothing until I transferred to the shop floor as a Manufacturing Engineer, where people were appreciative and I was rewarded for my contributions. In 15 years of design I got a $500 performance award ONCE, while in the shop I was making about $2,000 a year in bonuses. Thank you, Boeing!

[@patrickmarr7076]

when training a dog to jump through the hoop, you can't wait until the dog jumps through the hoop to positively reinforce him, because that's never going to happen. You have to start by rewarding him for FACING the hoop.. then for any movement in the direction of the hoop. Then for stepping through the hoop as you manually move the hoop past his body. Creating new habits through positive reinforcement is a progressive learning experience. Conversely, if you start by holding the hoop in front of the dog, and he doesn't jump through it on the first try (so you kick him) ... you can be sure that dog will have a fear of the hoop from that moment onward.

[@malachi405]

But what if you catch him chewing your slippers?

[@eric_linden]

Positive reinforcement always needs to be used whenever there is any improvement.

[@BasementBerean]

When I was a young adult and had moved out on my own, I didn't like visiting my father at the old house, and every time I did he'd yell at me for not visiting him, so I visited him less and less, and he'd get madder and madder. Once he showed up at my apartment unannounced to yell at me, and I visited him even less after that. He never tried to understand people and died with no friends.

[@dvdv8197]

Yikes 😢😪 Did you try to explain to him what he did wrong and how it didn't entice you to visit him ((any)more)? 😕

[@puremaledark8305]

Same here.

[@BasementBerean]

@@dvdv8197 I may have, but I don't have any precise memory of doing that. I would do that now, but this was many years ago.

[@kylemacdougall8355]

My mom is the same way, except with calling her instead of visiting her. And I already know that if I tell her she's driving me away and making me want to spend less time around her, she won't listen. She has never been willing to listen to feedback from others.

[@the_rush_to_nothing]

You don’t know what you don’t know. So you do what you know best. And that’s what he did

[@ARdave311]

I remember my wife asked me to look at the weed eater cause it wouldn’t work. I tore the whole motor down on a Sunday (never done this before) it took all afternoon and I got it going, I was on cloud 9 never having done that before I was so proud. I got the weed eater fixed about 15 mins before dark so I figured I’d cut it in the next day or 2….. she could care less about the job I just did and could not believe I didn’t cut the yard….. she was irate and when I explained to her I got it fixed right at dark she didn’t want to here it… now that’s punishing somone for doing what you want

[@rayrwyr]

She is behaving like a typical corporate boss.

[@katannyadirkson6147]

@ARdave311 I'm sorry that happened to you. Can you get her to watch this video?

[@Jaboukii]

My G, I don't give af wht ur wife thinks but, Fixing that sht in one day is fckng remarkable 💯. N why would u cut at such hours?...She's not worth your effort, I guess that's a sign to do things like that to prove to yourself ur own self worth bro

[@ARdave311]

@@Jaboukii absolutely bro, it was 2 months ago I’m meeting with the divorce lawyer this week. I hate to be another statistic but man, some people where just not ment to be married

[@Cakez253]

As a parent, this advice is critical for getting your kids to help out around the house. My oldest vacuumed our computer room for me and my 3 year old put groceries away. Sure there were cotton balls in my fridge but who cares! I positive reinforce all those helpful actions they took! 😊 It's most important it got done, they will get better at it the more they do it!

[@Slowensko98]

this is one of the most important videos for me that i've ever watched. because i'm exactly the kind of punishing person for not meeting my standards but often blind to my own faults when i don't meet the expectations of others. i'm consciously working on it for the past 6 months but it's hard to change patterns that became part of your character

[@ZooxMaze]

Big step... we all have to make 'em, I think - many (of us) are too perfect to be so objective and vulnerable. Good for you :)

[@ifluxion]

I don't think it matters if you have your own faults. That's like saying you have to be perfect in order to ask anyone of anything. That's not true. What you only need to change is what your friends/partner/etc wants you to change that you believe is indeed mutually constructive to do so. And it doesn't have to be the same thing you want from them.

[@kondorr]

Mad respect for the awarness alone.

[@zeenuf00]

Glad I don't live with you.

[@MikeHermo]

Kudos for your awareness and candour, keep up the good work!

[@ALForb]

Great advice. I feel as though this practice can be expanded to include ourselves. Many of us punish ourselves when we don't hit our targets rather than rewarding ourselves for hitting closer to the mark.

[@JeffreyNero-sk6jv]

Whoa! That is a damn good point! So true; I’ll try to keep that in mind when I get too self critical. Thank you-seriously. SO true.

[@malachi405]

Depends on the behavior. The Marines use negative reinforcement in boot camp, but it's a type of constructive criticism. 'Let's see if you're man enough to take it.'

[@jeremy.nudell]

A lot of this over critical behavior, even when someone does what you want, comes from a deep self criticism. You can’t even see that they are making an effort because you are so focused on the outcome. You don’t recognize your own efforts, just how you have fallen short of your ideal. So the real cornerstone of change here is learning to recognize and feel good about your own efforts to change, even if it falls short of what you militantly imagined. It’s learning to be easy with yourself. Once you soften up on yourself it automatically spills out onto others. It all starts with the relationship with self every time. I like the video because it can show someone they are doing this when they might not have known. Women do this a lot with men. So thank you for your service haha

[@puremaledark8305]

I replied to one comment, but my ex was the master of complaining about nice things i did for her. One example: She was having a bad day so i cooked her dinner and made chocolate covered strawberries. She didnt touch any of it and yelled at me about "trying to make her fat". In the back of my head i was thinking "welp, im never f-in doing that again!" I never did and now she is single 😂

[@DrBilly90210]

Same experience but it was tiramisu instead of chocolate covered strawberries. Another time I gave her a very nice diamond necklace for her birthday (which we easily had the financial wherewithal to afford) and THE FIRST THING she said was: "Can you take it back?" Had a similar thought as yours "Well, no more jewelry for you!" Happy to have her out of my life.

[@szymonbaranowski8184]

mine would complain for giving her healthy crap that has no taste xD

[@rhenriksen]

If you'd invited her to take a walk in the park, instead, she would have attacked you for inferring that she was fat, hence the need for exercise.

[@ItalNico]

Tough one to watch for me as I am a disciplined person and set high standards for myself. My spouse is one of the laziest and most unmotivated individuals I have ever known. Waiting months (or years) for a small change in behavior has been an exercise in extreme patience for me. Asking her patiently and politely to make some positive changes to her diet (she's extremely obese) has ultimately failed even after her doctor advised her to do the same. As you shared I have come to the conclusion that ending the relationship is the best course of action because I can't live my life to its fullest being around someone who keeps trying to drag me down to their level.

[@yottahurts]

I found myself in the same situation, though thankfully we weren't married. After years of painfully slow progress I realized it was likely going to take more time than I have on this earth. Oddly enough threatening to leave resulted in instant improvement, like she had a job within a week. That was 1000 times more effective than than patience and politeness. Sadly that rate of change didn't last. I now suspect the only real solution was for me to be her drill sargeant, because that's the only thing I never tried.

[@reneethorn145]

I believe it's the kindest course of action, for both of you, in the long run. Good luck.

[@rayrwyr]

Have you told her that you will leave if she does not change?

[@Messicanpapa]

If you don't mind the curiosity, how did you guys end up married with such a disparity in character?

[@Flywithnowingsisawalk]

Women need to hear this about men being open and vulnerable

[@Hari983]

How is it possible I have been following this guy for over a year now and every time he's able to pull out a new gem lol. That was golden. A life changing advice. Noticed my wife and I treat each other this way and it made me happy!

[@findinglela]

He's great at this

[@traceyrenfrew4990]

I need to remember this every day. My dad instilled perfectionism into me and I hold others and myself to impossible standards. He never told me “good job” and as an adult I can say “good job” but it usually feels awkward. Thanks for illuminating this subject!

[@dvdv8197]

My then girlfriend complained I didnt help enough around the house. As a surprise, on my day off, I tidied up and cleaned the whole appartment. Spent my whole day doing just that. She came home, looked around and basically said I did everything wrong and I put everything back in the wrong place (like moved the couch millimeters to the left, literally). Here I was thinking Monica Geller only existed in Friends. 😅😂😂😂

[@kylemacdougall8355]

It's because her complaint about you not helping enough wasn't about getting you to help. It was about her having a reason to feel superior to you.

[@ZooxMaze]

@@kylemacdougall8355 Yup - checkmate. At least, until you know how the game is played. Otherwise, it's very difficult to protect yourself from being so vulnerable, when you don't even know what it is. Thankfully, there's now so much awareness being shared on the web - we can find solace in knowing that we're not so alone, after all

[@sephie4]

Did she want you to do clean up WITH her?

[@dawnfmEnthusiast]

When someone’s apologizing, even if it’s not necessary, I don’t stop them now - and I don’t immediately give them the default “It’s OK”

[@masiurhossain1852]

In Short - If you want to influence anyone Do 3 things to change their behavior- 1. You have to be patient 2. You have to be kind 3. You have to be generous

[@phalcata572]

Doc, you’re making a palpable difference. You’re creating positive change. Never give up, man. You’ve helped me so much, and I know you have helped others. Rock on, my dude 🤘🤘

[@findinglela]

Yes

[@suefleming]

You are 100% correct. I find too many people to lack any kind of self-control. I take care of myself and my partner is self-disciplined as well. Sad world that we live in.

[@jurajjakubik6795]

Same here, they are sometimes like a chimps

[@suefleming]

@@jurajjakubik6795 At least chimps can be trained..

[@dante340]

Failure to understand this concept is a surefire way for parents to eff up their kids for life.. Seen it happen too many times to count

[@rhenriksen]

"Don't shoot rhe dog" is a good book that expands on this subject quite a bit.

[@rowyourboat366]

Thanks for the info. I will check it out.

[@tonyathompson1974]

I’m a city girl and my boyfriend moved me out to the country on a farm which I’ve never been before I’m a city girl he expected me to know how to drive a zero turn lawn mower and a weed whacker and know how to garden and always put me down for the attempts I did do I asked him to teach me how to weed whack but he never had time and told me to watch KZbin to learn how to do it. A video of learning how to use a weed whacker doesn’t work for me I was never good enough for him so I moved back to the city because the country life had nothing to offer me. He still doesn’t understand why I moved back to the city. I shared this video with him because you are completely right about rewarding someone even tho it’s not competent or not to his template of what it should look like but I was just trying to make him happy even tho I didn’t know what I was doing he kept putting me down for doing the jobs he asked me to do was very hurtful and he moves a city girl to the country and expects her to survive while he’s working and constantly gone and not helping or showing me what to do. So yes I moved back to the city cause I was miserable I tried living the country life but it’s hard when your partners not even there to teach u what to do and then when he gets home puts me down for what I tried to do to make him happy. He just doesn’t get it but I really hope your video opens up his eyes about how he treated me. He said I had it made on the farm but when your put down for the many attempts to make him happy and all I get is his insults about a job I tried doing for him I couldn’t take it anymore. So thank you for this video maybe coming from your mouth he will know what not to do and he’ll finally figure it out now. Thank u

[@alistonia1]

Wow, that makes so much sense. I’ve been punishing the small efforts when I should have been praising them. I pushed him away 😢

[@whocarescrapsa]

I had a girlfriend who, whenever I tried to help her, would accuse me of getting enjoyment for making her feel dumb. I explained to her that if she punished me every time I offered assistance, I would eventually stop helping. Do you intend to push away those who are trying to help you? Is that really in your best interest? Your feelings are something you need to confront and manage. It's important to assess whether your reactions are still justified. She eventually traced the source to a moment in school as a young girl where her teacher was trying to explain something to her, and the class were laughing at her. The emotions of receiving help and being humiliated were fused together and that is what she would feel when I tried to show her love.

[@brentchance1589]

Oof. Good on her for isolating the traumatic source. But man is that nasty psychological predisposition to undo.

[@DrBilly90210]

"I had a girlfriend who, whenever I tried to help her, would accuse me of getting enjoyment for making her feel dumb." That's one of those situations where I calmly reply: "Your comment is saying more about you than it is about me."

[@szymonbaranowski8184]

some people do not want advices and get offended when given help as forcing them to do what they didn't choose loosing control

[@brentchance1589]

@@szymonbaranowski8184 That's true, but denying help in general is not healthy, especially in a committed relationship where mutual help is the expected utility of that relationship. It's fine to clarify that you don't wish for assistance in specific cases. But denying help in general is a good way to end up alone.

[@articulateit-andgetwhatyouwant]

It's never going to be the help that you intend unless the OTHER person sees the value of it, too. Otherwise, it's just self serving, interfering, manipulation.

[@pmaitrasm]

Very good advice, Dr. Taraban. Unfortunately, some people get a dopamine hit by patronizing others, even though, they themselves would not do it. Busybodies should not be fed if they do not work.

[@eric_linden]

True. This has to do with fairness. We’ve all seen people receive praise for nothing, while others efforts are ignored.

[@paper-chasepublications9433]

Powerful message! Thank you for sharing, Dr. Orion! I also think the principle can be applied to parenting. I'm divorced with a 15 year old son. I do my best with positive reinforcement... it's easier said than done sometimes. This video put it in perspective.✊🏽

[@SayfumaniMyG]

My father would force me to do things I simply didn’t have the slightest interest at all, but I would still try it to make him happy and when I didn’t end up as competent as he wanted, he would just insult 😂😂😂

[@szymonbaranowski8184]

what a bad teacher he is

[@reneethorn145]

I'm sorry you had to go through that. If you ever become a parent, learn from his mistakes.

[@SayfumaniMyG]

@@reneethorn145 No thanks. Under this circumstances, I wont put a life in to this world.

[@rayrwyr]

@@SayfumaniMyG -- Adopt a child.

[@cheesusdagod585]

I feel ya

[@sharathdeepak883]

100% right, I appreciate this explanation that tells us to reward for their efforts instead we check for the result and rejudge them. Thanks for this.

[@Amlux1984]

Great story related to this. My mom is jealous of my in laws and they see our kids more. There are reasons my mom doesn’t and it’s her choice, but that is what it is. Well, we asked her to watch our kids instead of our in-laws and her response was, “oh (my in laws) weren’t free, huh?” We aren’t asking for her to watch the kids again anytime soon.

[@monikasolymos2396]

I am looking for an especially intelligent dolphin, who answers: "thank you for the fish, but your happiness is my real reward. I am doing everything for you. And I will never make you sad."

[@Eclectic8]

Funny. Are you switching prospects again and again until you find him (or her)? Or are you finding one who usually says "I guess I sorta appreciated that little fish," rewarding them, and then moving forward from there? In any case, the advice is great...and, at the same time fairly simplistic. For example, it's just as important to not over-reward a behavior, e g. giving a big fish for breaching the water's surface when what you need is a flip.

[@yottahurts]

I've tried this and while it does work, it important to understand that sometimes it can take decades to get your partner to an acceptable level. When progress is slow and backsliding is frequent you have to evaluate how much time you are willing to spend vs finding someone else who is already acceptable.

[@tobe-you-tube6612]

Anyone has a personal rhythm. If you are not okay with it, let the person find someone else and find someone new for yourself. You are probably not matching each others needs.

[@dirtyace1668]

You need to realize that no person will ever change unless that person wants to do it themselves. It doesn't matter what you say or what you do, it is always, ALWAYS, up to that person at the end of the day. This video is good in terms of motivating people but that's just a small fraction of the overall effort that it takes for someone to make a change. The majority of the work has to come from that person, otherwise, it simply won't happen. If it's taking decades for a change to happen, then it honestly is not seen as something important by that person and it simply will happen when it happens or not. Humans are absolutely capable of making changes quickly but that you can also say that about them making changes at an absolute snail's pace. It all depends on that person.

[@tobe-you-tube6612]

@@dirtyace1668 Totally agree ! Just give up on people that became burdens through times. It doesn't deserve the time and energy while you can have "better fitting people" that will quickly adapt to your needs as they have the same goals. "Set them free" and bet on more appropriate persons when you have defined your path of life. That way being easier and happier in the long run.

[@yottahurts]

@@dirtyace1668 yes it took me many years to realize that. One reason is it took so long is people can say they want to change over and over again but when their choices lead them in the opposite direction, what is it they really want? I think what I'm getting at is that the strategy in the video works but can be really slow because its only positive reinforcement. I'd guess a carrot and stick approach is probably faster. Though you would need negative reinforcement that is both effective and socially/morally acceptable, and I dont know what is.

[@dirtyace1668]

@@yottahurts I totally understand your frustration but if the last 44 years of my life taught me anything it is not to bother paying attention to what people say, or at most take their words with a big grain of salt, but always look at their actions or results first and foremost. So many people will talk out of their rears but with nothing to show for it. And as for the carrot and the stick approach. Yeah, it's an obvious way to train or influence change but again, dealing with animals is way different than dealing with humans. There's a lot more going on with human beings which makes this kind of subject much more complex to implement on people.

[@DrBilly90210]

Laws of animal (includes human) behavior: 1. REINFORCE the behavior you DO WANT. 2. DON"T REINFORCE the behavior you DON'T WANT. 3. Punishment rarely, if ever, produces the behavior you want and often leads to a multitude of maladaptive and counterproductive behaviors.

[@brendalalicker4855]

Totally agree, ~"find a person who is naturally more aligned with your behavior and leave the potential fixerupper to find who they are more naturally aligned with."

[@MichalisMichaelides]

Never been more excited about a book than now ❤

[@dennislaw8097]

For those who care about other people and their relationships, Excellent video, thank you! It would serve people to remember that other people were not exposed to the same experiences or same teachings as you

[@ZooxMaze]

I believe, it was Einstein who said: "If you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will grow up thinking its a failure"... ;))

[@andyjohnson5484]

Good video. In self-reflection, I can see this is an area where I can improve. I tend to be pretty self-motivated, sometimes even in the face of criticism. But not everyone is that way. Thanks for shedding light on this subject.

[@randoomly39484]

Very important advice indeed ! It can also be implied towards kids in school as well

[@MikeHermo]

This entire video can be applied to teaching toddlers and children

[@Octopusmaster]

As a father of an 8 yr old boy that is on the rowdy side I can see where shaping is way better than punishing or expecting rapid change. How many of us parents have to remind them to say please and thank you…takes years.

[@stevensolof7058]

This is generally good advice... the thing to keep in mind is that if you need to do this on a fundamental or rudimentary level, it turns into dog training or raising children, and we don't necessarily want to be in relationships adults who need basic training. This should be vetted for in the beginning stages.

[@LastEarBender]

I came really close to fucking this up last week - on more than one occasion. Caught myself both times and righted myself, but feels like a lot of reflexive conditioning that causes it.

[@learncadadia7832]

This is actually some good advice for self as well, shape your own behaviors with positive reinforcement.

[@Yoyo098]

just so happy that you finally got the appreciation you deserve so good to see the number of subscribers grow on your channel, i m one of early subscribers like from first 50 and when i discovered your channel and content i was so shocked and sad to see the numbers because the content is beyond good. But well congratulations 🎉 🥳 👏

[@DG123z]

Don't try to change people. Tell them what you want and make decisions based on what they do

[@realtalksontherocks]

Congrats on the book release and congrats on all of your success!

[@cosmictreason2242]

For the young people: Orion's misquote of the "fool me twice" proverb is a Bushism (George W Bush said it this way)

[@groopmmex]

Lordy dude, you just hit that nail on the head. This is so important! Thanks chief, awesome:)

[@Focusembedded]

"People who are punished for doing what they're supposed to do can become villainous." Well, that pretty much sums up my experience in Corporate America.

[@goontubeassos7076]

I was a hero my whole life, now I’m the villain in every hero’s story. I no longer give a fuck!

[@cosmictreason2242]

@@goontubeassos7076 you can read paradise lost or the Screwtape letters to see how even the hero can be seen as the villain by demons

[@marcuschauvin7039]

positive re-enforcement with dogs works like a miracle! it also works great with younger kids, not so much with all teens.

[@patrickrutherford5553]

100% agree. I’ve been one of the most malleable person I know - usually end up having a ton of unmet needs and end up feeling insecure at the end of all my efforts whereas I was almost 100% confident at the beginning of the journey - I’m a magnet for people who like to punish people who actually try

[@reneethorn145]

Snap! Good luck to you 😊

[@jefflep1]

My fav guy on YT!

[@neoseshoka3365]

The last 20 seconds cut deep, so true

[@aN0nyMas]

counter point don't encourage bad behaviour. drama? childish behaviour?walk away.

[@ShonnMorris]

I worked at Sea World for 19 years. Everything you said about how training works is spot on! Desired behaviors are rewarded, undesired behaviors aren't punished, they're simply ignored.

[@ZooxMaze]

Yes... finally the humans got it !! The dolphins knew exactly how to manipulate them in to giving them more fish ;))

[@ShonnMorris]

@@ZooxMaze They get their fish anyway and fish isn't the only reward they get. Sea World is an accredited member of the AZA and has to operate under the same guidelines as any other zoo or zoological park. Not to mention being regulated by other agencies such as the Marine Mammal Protection Act, The National Marine Fisheries Service and since they're also a rescue facility, the US Fish and Wildlife service.

[@felipeminelli2045]

I know how it is sometimes i clean all my familys house and tell no one and just wait for my father to complain that the houe is a mess

[@EcomCarl]

your insights are transformative! getting a reward for even a small step towards change can give you positive development and also making an environment of support and understanding, its crucial in both personal and professional growth. 🔑

[@A_Mind_For_Change]

Anyone who has the patience to "mold" someone for years.......i'm not sure if thats foolish or to be commended. I like his suggestion of breaking off the relationsip and searching for someone more in line with what your looking for. Basically what I get from these videos is, people are exhausting and dont want to change.

[@mymobile5014]

Well as part of my attempt at shaping, I loved the content that did not include profanities. It's stuff I have known before but not thought of in years, so it was a very nice reminder about the whole process of how we as human beings get along. I hope to see more of your videos without unnecessary profanity and see if I can learn something new from them.

[@Sir_Viver]

I 100% agree with this comment.

[@autarko]

Unfortunately most of his viewers are kind of dumb and are suspicious of any message delivered without profanity.

[@petershaw3456]

Yes, the videos are great, but we don’t need the profanities- they don’t add anything.

[@rayrwyr]

@@petershaw3456 -- one f* per video is allowed.

[@Sentient.Legacy.2042]

Orion knows how to use profanity! Those who object would do better to learn from him how to use it effectively!

[@John-qt3vt]

Exceptional lesson.

[@TV_Schleuderprogramm]

This reminded me so much of dog training. You walk the path in a thousand individual steps. For example, one completed step towards being a sniffer dog would be that it looks in the right direction. I believe that this step-by-step education only exists for dogs.

[@rustynails68]

I needed your help in first grade (1974). One conversation with you would have really benefitted me tremendously. Specifically, I was nice like Jesus and I couldn’t understand why people treated me so badly. No adult could provide me with an explanation that made any sense to me. They were clueless.

[@GermanTaffer]

This is a nice versus kind discussion. Most people believe, that you have bad intentions if you are nice. Of course I know you have your bad and evil thoughts sometimes, but hey , everyone does. The rude people too, and I can't believe, people are so stupid that they think, that rude people are honest. BUT To be real, people do horrifying things , when they try to be nice. There is a great example of the Polizeibattalion 101. My advice for you : Do some homework. Try to think about whenever you have to make a decision , what a soulless egoist ( but no sadist) would do in the situation. You will be surprised, that it can be a better option from time to time.

[@SeanMcGown]

Really smart advice. Thank you very much for this.

[@SteveHofsaess]

please show this video to my supervisor

[@briancooney4144]

I wish I had heard this a year ago. This advice would have saved me a lot of pain.

[@nvn__]

Beautiful. I am sharing this 💎 message.

[@robertdeskoski9783]

Sure. You give them encouragement to help them reach 10% from 5%. That's loving someone.

[@tobe-you-tube6612]

10% from 5% is not that much.

[@claudia8801]

Excellent and deeply constructive advice. Thank you

[@russellheyns1846]

Good video as always. And I love how you worked in the “W” quote

[@ColtonRDean]

Pretty much sums up my ex’s complaints about me. She’d ask me to do something, and it was never done the correct way.

[@anhhuynguyen4969]

Damn, this episode really OPENS my eyes! Thanks sir!

[@risky1]

Good Doctor..... You are soooooo fucking SPOT ON !!!!! You should have your own TV Channel. Going to go get the book.

[@szymonbaranowski8184]

the best tip for improve my learning and memorising skills ever 😅 i always punish myself fkr doing too little, loosing motivation to do anything at all

[@nomadthemadlad]

someone has to broadcast this video on the national television of Iran

[@0rbium]

this episode is solid gold!

[@tiomoidofangle102]

Excellent advice.

[@te5401]

This seems complicated, but it doesn't have to be. Just put in the effort and carefully vet the woman you want to be with. Dr. Oryan's videos explain this process well, including one specifically titled "Hire Slow and Fire Fast." Remember: hire slow and fire fast. No woman is perfect, but finding the right one can immensely elevate your life.

[@seanpaulross3963]

F man, this is good. Seems so obvious once you walk us through it, yet this is the main thing women do that seems to ruin relationships.

[@user-jg5xm8um8y]

Yep, done this before and only realized it in hindsight

[@r4ng3rownz8]

Everything you said here is so smart.

[@Pssst.ByTheWay]

This was a great talk

[@countables]

This is your best video so far. Thank you!

[@paulbooij7594]

Nailed it. Good job doc.

[@BrandenPratt]

Orion is always on point.

[@cosmicbalancer5084]

Nodding my head through the whole video

[@WilliamKirkland-j4r]

Thanks for this timely message as I recently did exactly what you have described but - did not understand the impact or fallout of my actions. I said timely however, for me, it was after the old horse left the pasture for good. Therefore, your wise words are just salt in an open wound.

[@johnarchluleta]

I had a manager ask me to solve a customer service issue he created in front of the team. In the middle of doing it the way I saw fit, he got up and threw his arms up, exasperated and announced that I screwed it up and then, started doing it his way. He repeated this pattern a couple of times and I never did anything for him again and in fact left the company. There’s nothing worse than being expected to follow a blueprint thst only exists in their head

[@adamsaben3299]

OMG, this one hits home. Where the f*&# were you 4 years ago when I needed you, bro. I fucked this up big time. ...love your content. Cold hard truth.

[@mdhazeldine]

This can work pretty well in parenting too.

[@Bluesmoke4200]

I wish men who pressure women for sex on the first date/early on in the relationship and then punish the woman for being "easy" could take this advice.

[@Doberman_6773]

Think of it as a kind of 💩 test.

[@karenoyama8950]

This is such basic information. But, always good to point it out again. 👍

[@AUMINER1]

Excellent content!

[@hasen_judi]

After more than 20 years, I finally hear the full continuation to the "fool me once" saying.

[@reneethorn145]

Although, unfortunately, he misquoted it 😬

[@IfSemper]

​@@reneethorn145 No, he quoted George W Bush's version of the saying for levity. He knows the original quote, obviously.