Love Is Blind S3 #53 - (Colleen Interview #1) - Therapist Reacts

Dr. Kirk Honda reacts to an interview with Colleen from Love Is Blind, Season 3.
You can watch the original interview on Gilét Slays: • 'Love is Blind' Collee...
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Trigger Warning: This episode may include topics such as assault, trauma, and discrimination. If necessary, listeners are encouraged to refrain from listening and care for their safety and well-being.
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[@andedom]

I identify with your analysis of the lack of self in this episode so much. I didn’t even realize I was doing this but I believe that I actually mimicked my wife’s goals throughout our relationship rather than looking at my own because I was so much more comfortable looking outward. It is so uncomfortable to actually sit and think “what do you actually want?” I literally will turn on music or tv shows or just work in order to avoid looking inward most of the time.

[@LorenMarieP]

Yeah… that was pretty uncomfortable to hear. 😳

[@soclose2her]

I absolutely agree with you. I’m at this very point in my marriage where we’re both realizing that I never check in with what I want, and I use external stimuli to make a decision (my wife, time/financial restraints, societal norms). When she’s forced me to think about what I want my brain short circuits and I end up avoiding by tv, Netflix, catching up on work, literally anything else.

[@annekenney6914]

I don't think she is intentionally lying. I don't think she realizes that she is such a people pleaser. She has had trauma. She had a discussion with her sister on the morning of her wedding about not pissing her mom off if she called off the wedding.

[@jeremysmith9694]

As a video editor myself, it doesn't surprise me at all that she said her timeline was different from the show. Editors can do almost anything to make the final product look very different from reality. The way they can organize and reorganize clips and events can change everything. Don't underestimate the power of editing.

[@ms-corleone]

I was wondering the same thing. Specifically, I wondered when she said that, if her tearful reaction to rejection might not have been to the rejection that was presented. (Then as the interview went on my concern for that was relieved a little, but what if the entire reaction to being rejected by Cole was actually the footage from being rejected by the mystery 4th guy?)

[@jeremysmith9694]

@@ms-corleone Well I should clarify my comment a little. While they certainly could mix and match clips, I think it's fairly unlikely they would do it in that way. I think that's highly unethical and dishonest That's pretty much lying. I would say they probably make the reality more suspenseful and dramatic. For example, making it look like a big pause after a proposal or question. Making it look like someone is upset in the corner of the pool when it might be over something else. Or reordering when the dates in the pods actually took place. Small things like that. Timing, pacing and even music can play a big role. Otherwise I think the cast would have major objections portraying them unfairly. But there's always ways to make something appear different than it is. Few things in real life are as dramatic as they appear on the screen. And imo they want as much drama as possible.

[@ms-corleone]

@@jeremysmith9694 I should also qualify that I am not saying you are accusing Netflix of unethical editing. I am saying that I had a thought: if Netflix is having all participants sign waivers and non-disclosures, saying that Netflix controls the footage and that the participants cannot disclose the process, editing, details and rules, then there is nothing legally stopping them from doing whatever to enhance to storyline. So if Colleen’s reaction to being rejected by mystery man was more dramatic, they might want to swap out the footage..

[@megans3876]

Dr. Honda, I would love if you could do some videos on best ways to parent / how to not mess up your kid.

[@MissMotita]

100%

[@AlwaysAnna77]

Yes, I would love that

[@lauralagzdina]

Just to finish the sentence: when you don't have that connection with your own self, needs and feelings, you tend to choose partner, who is very comfortable with you, not having that. But sometimes this exact relationship is needed for higher purpose: to bring the issue out of the dark.

[@katiag.j.2027]

I initially wasn’t that interested in Colleen’s story because I accepted her self-description that she wasn’t very deep or interesting, but she is fascinating. I definitely think you’re onto a meaningful insight with the look into her sense of self.

[@s.melonita4454]

I was shocked when she cried both times she was rejected and stated *her perception of what was said* - that she was shallow and superficial, when Brennon nor Cole said those things. But she still heard them and Dr. Kirk pointed that out immediately.

[@InThisEssayIWill...]

If I was still 25(which is how old Colleen was) I would have said the same thing, about not having any childhood traumas that shaped my life. But I'm not 25 anymore. And while the things that shaped me will never be as dramatic as my partners story of an abusive alcoholic parent I have absolutely identified many things that my (Loving and supportive) parents did that I had to unlearn. It is my belief No one escapes childhood without some negative impacts.. that's.. life. It can be really hard to unpack those however when they are really subtle or inextricably linked to a parent for whom you have a lot of love and respect. I'm sure that as she grows and matures, especially if she engages with therapy at some point, that she will be able to dig in and identify them. I didn't start therapy till I was in my thirties and when my life freed up enough time and space to do some introspection. That's... Life. I hope she's well.

[@rosyf123]

Im like that, 35 and learning for the first time how to identify my emotions … in fact, I started watching Dr. Honda in 2019 and it took a couple of years of watching before I realized how unconnected I am with myself

[@carlotta3751]

I felt it when you said she might not have had a great connection to herself and her needs. I used to have the same issues and also struggled massively with rejection even from people that I wasn’t even that interested in.

[@Rubenesquebody]

I am just personally worried that she mostly talks about this experience in this way because she knows Matt will be watching it and he would get upset and triggered if she said anything else: like if she said she really did fancy Cole or something along these lines- it could have been true but I think she is really calculating her words here.

[@unicornL]

Thats my fear. I've never been more hopeful that someone will announce a divorce after her contract is up in my life

[@petgirl28]

That part where he talks about dancers was awesome and very eye opening to why some of my students have difficulty creating on their own.

[@sallycinnamon5370]

I have a friend that recently got together with a man that she initially first dated at the same time as her ex but dumped him because she though she had more of a future with her ex. Her life with her ex ended up turning out a train wreck and 3 years later she reconnected with Joel and it’s going wonderfully. I don’t think it is fair to hold people to their early relationship feelings. That is probably the worst thing about this show. Production AND the audience hold them so fast to what they felt during the pod experience. If it’s like 2-3 weeks…I don’t care how “open” you are…you don’t know another person after that much time.

[@unicornL]

I agree w that. My issue isn't anything but the way Matt treats her- nothing else

[@zararashid5827]

I think when Cole said "let's talk deep" he wanted to talk about life goals, relationship with God, what building a marriage and raising a family would be like, family values, their dreams etc. I think that's why he was more drawn to Zanab in the pods because they actually talked about that stuff, according to him from what he said in the Skinny Not Fat podcast interview. I think colleen misinterpreted what he said.

[@fayfayb06]

Such an interesting episode! I love the ones that are barely about the people speaking and more about how people behave.

[@andra9601]

It’s amazing how much you have to say from what Colleen is saying! I think it’s so cool. Ty!

[@saraioannes1410]

Grazie.

[@PsychologyInSeattle]

Thanks!

[@TAJNaholkA]

Made it almost to the other side while constantly asking myself the question "what do i need right now?" and feeling absolutely blank nothing in response, the contrast needed for me to realize what i needed while really really wanting to know (and also after 6 years in therapy already) was quite crushing, the answer after months of not sleeping and eating with no meds working anymore was hidden in magical sentence "i'd rather die than.." ... please ask yourselves what do i need often

[@ms-corleone]

Wow, that was a rough road for you. I’m glad you made it out to the other side, and I hope you feel much more at peace now (even if knowing what you want can create conflict, I find there’s a power to take care of yourself in knowing). 💛

[@theveteransergeant]

They tried showing more of the "rejected" cast members in Season 1, but with Seasons 2 and 3 they seemed to try to focus mostly on the people who made it to the engagements. I'm guessing it's just a directorial decision to get the audience focused on, and attached to, the couples that make it. Andrew probably only made it because he was talking to Nancy, and he was a huge weirdo, which was too good to pass up.

[@unicornL]

But Rory was really the star of Season 1. Apparently he got engaged and they weren't selected for the vacation/honeymoon, so he and fiance took their own trip to Miami- but it didn't work out. He confirmed this on Twitter

[@unicornL]

The verbal sexting was such an awkward second hand cringe

[@eh1126]

@@unicornLyes, and apparently there were two other couples that got engaged in season too but they didn’t show them or select them to the vacation. I think the producers select the people who they know is going to have drama (either due to difficult personalities or a love triangle/square). Also, Rory from season 1 seemed so emotionally intelligent and he wouldn’t have provided any drama so it makes sense he didn’t get selected.

[@unicornL]

@@eh1126 I loved his calm demeanor..such a welcome change for reality TV

[@i_prefer_the_term_antihero]

So…I related to your explanation about lack of sense of self a lot. A lot more than I thought I would. Especially because I overall consider myself to be a deep person, and was shocked and a even little appalled when Colleen didn’t understand what Cole meant. So…I have a question. Can this lack of sense of self relate to opinions? One of the biggest issues I run into is how much I struggle with other’s opinions, (especially with fiction). Other people seem like they don’t care when someone disagrees with them, even if they’re rude and unrelenting. But I get really hurt when someone disagrees with me…even when they’re not being rude. But it feels like it goes deeper. It feels like I’m not _allowed_ to have an opinion. It feels like when someone disagrees with me, they’re obviously right and I’m obviously wrong, regardless of the situation because…that’s just how things work. I’ve never questioned why my brain works like that, it just does. When I love a character others hate, I get so deeply sad when they say their hate to my face, because it feels like they’re going to take the character away from me. Like I have to go on the internet and remind myself that people agree with me in order to relax and love the character again. Whereas I feel like 90 percent of people shrug it off and go about their day still loving that character-who cares what others think Sorry I’m dumping personal problems in the comments it’s just…this is something I’ve wondered about myself did a long time, and if this is a potential answer as to why I feel this way it’d be a huge weight off my shoulders and a helpful avenue to explore

[@andedom]

Are you in therapy? This is a great question to explore with a counselor. Even if Dr. H responds, he’s not attuned enough with you to actually help you discover the answers to your questions in a meaningful way.

[@i_prefer_the_term_antihero]

@@andedom yes, I am in therapy! I’m seeing a new therapist so I haven’t been able to explore this with her yet, though. And I do know Dr H can’t help much from afar. But when I spoke to my previous therapist about this… I didn’t feel like a got much help, or perspective on the issue…which makes me a bit hesitant to broach it. And like I said, I’ve never heard of this idea Dr H mentions so I thought I’d at least ask if it could apply, even if Dr H can’t help much. It could potentially be the new perspective I’ve been looking for. At the very least I could bring up the idea of the lack of sense of self with my new therapist

[@andedom]

@@i_prefer_the_term_antihero interesting, thanks for sharing this. I hope that Dr. H can help you get a little closer to the answers that you are seeking!

[@vasilicaperescu6186]

I grew up in communist Romania. I was always told what do to , at home, school, dance classes, gymnastics. If I didn’t obey I would be punished in one way or another. I remember one time my dance instructor asked us all to make up our own short dance . I was stunned but I did it. I grew up into adulthood with the feeling that if I don’t do what I am asked to or if I express my feeling I am a rebel. Moving to Canada in my thirties and being asked my opinion was hard at the beginning. Do I have to have an opinion? Why doest it matter? I am in my fifties now. I do express my opinions now but I am also learning that I have to deal with people not liking it. And that is a hard one to swallow. It is almost like it was better when I obeyed and every one liked me because of it.

[@lav7161]

How was Matt not her last pick? I can't see a way that the show can be edited to prove that he was anything higher than 3rd

[@chantawilliams3078]

Yeah because she spoke to Matt about being in a state of rejection in the pods. He was the 3rd choice.

[@eh1126]

And when she was talking to the girls about having been rejected by Cole and Brennan, then she brought up Matt as this guy that she had kinda talked to but didn’t initially like that much. I think that if Cole and Brennan hadn’t rejected her, Matt would’ve faded into the background. She only started paying attention to him because there was no one left.

[@lav7161]

@E H And on the next video that Dr. Honda has it shows that Matt was right there listening to what Colleen was saying the whole time. I think she's sticking to that story no matter what to prevent from hurting Matt because of his past relationship. She's still a people pleasure from my view.

[@abandonablesnowman]

Colleen using sorority as metaphor 💀

[@chrcoc]

Had some Shake-"marriage-is-a-big-purchase" vibes 😅

[@eh1126]

She is shallow after all lol

[@abandonablesnowman]

@@eh1126 Idk I always wonder about women, or people of any gender I suppose, who seem to only talk about more surface things. Because I’d like to think I’m the kind of person that can delve into a variety of topics, so do they just not think about things very deeply? Do they think about it, but prefer keeping it to themselves? Are they shy? Probably all of the above, depending on the person

[@satinero]

I always wondered and never got a chance to figure it out, even when slowing the video down - what IS dr. Honda actually saying at the beginning of his videos?! "hey..... listeners!" Discerning? Deserving?

[@EllieMart92]

Deserving "Take care of yourself because you DESERVE it"

[@h3tur]

i’ve been trying to figure this out for the longest time too😭

[@unicornL]

Deserved listeners maybe?

[@jeremysmith9694]

Wow. That's really fascinating what you said about new narratives couples adopt. When my dad got remarried their narrative about their life completely changed. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. They acted like they had always been in love before marriage and kind of like they had always been married. It was very strange to me but I guess based on what you said, it makes more sense. Annoying but it makes sense.

[@eh1126]

That is very annoying lol, almost like it invalidates the relationship he had with your mom.

[@jeremysmith9694]

@@eh1126 Exactly. That's for sure how it felt to me.

[@eh1126]

@@jeremysmith9694 at least now you know that it is a narrative crafted by their brain to validate their current feelings and it has nothing to do with how they felt in the past.

[@thatissocrazyomg]

suuuuuper excited to see this one

[@charlize9341]

I almost didn't watch because I don't find Colleen interesting in the least, but this commentary on self is something I'd love to see more of.

[@stanley3384]

Dr Honda, please watch Love After Lockup.

[@bricksfeathers5423]

I think I don't have a strong sense of self, but I don't really experience any fear or sense of being terrified because of this. I wish you could explain this part more because I just don't get what you mean.

[@InThisEssayIWill...]

What she says doesn't seem that implausible, it's possible she was simply never in a position to be the rejectee before and had to experience that for the first time in this (very intense) experience in the pods. That definitely puts a different light on the Cole/Brennan reactions (especially since they came so close to each other) kinda bowled over by a wave and not able to get your footing before the next one hit. (This doesn't necessarily put her relationship with Matt in a better light 😬 but it certainly gives us more context to flesh out her character)

[@dotthepenguin9348]

I'm irritated because whenever we had to "freestyle" in dance I was mortified for EXACTLY THE REASONS DR HONDA OUTLINED. I could choreograph something but... freestyle was my biggest challenge.

[@clarradactyl7791]

as a former dancer myself, i had this same issue! the same goes for singing, i could never freestyle, i’d panic and draw a complete blank.

[@dotthepenguin9348]

@clarradactyl I kept thinking there would be a class to teach me how to freestyle but maybe there's dance therapy? Something that can help me get out of my head and into my body and remain curious and vulnerable lol.

[@Lost-Cake]

Another option to the "shallow" discussion may be neurodiversity. I have Asperger's (ASD) and would be at a loss if someone asked me to go deep. It's not a reflection of my depth, just that the term is abstract and confusing

[@onedirectionlover317]

I’m curious though, would you ask what they meant or would you respond by saying you preferred to keep things light and surface level? (The latter being what Colleen did).

[@Lost-Cake]

@@onedirectionlover317 It depends. In this case, I would ask what the person means by that because it's an important relationship. If the relationship wasn't important, I would probably fake it (called masking) by asking them to "go deep" first so I could mimic it, without necessarily understanding it. There are so many ways Aspie folks mask, especially women. We're pros at it because we're trying to be accepted socially

[@ExtraordinaryMachine333]

Cole during the Bro Interview: "Women don't speak clearly and say things in ways that make sense." Pod Cole: "Let's go deep! Let's go deep!"

[@mirb2093]

I appreciate your analyses and conceptualizations Dr. Honda, but it’s sometimes irritating when you immediately pause to do one in the middle of them speaking. Often times, they address any question(s) you tend to have about what they mean, and also they’re providing context for the phrase you’re critiquing/elaborating on. Edit: Only felt the need to comment this because I’ve realized over episodes that you’ll go on 5-15 min tangents trying to understand what someone means and then you play the next 3 seconds and they clarify exactly what you were getting at, so having already watched what you’re reacting to it’s like a tease waiting for you to just get there😂

[@flygurl247]

I noticed he overly talks and sometimes he doesn’t make sense, I wanna hear a female therapist

[@mirb2093]

@@flygurl247 I think his comments make sense, but they’re often long and convoluted which can be difficult for the average viewer to follow. Plus if you’re not familiar with all of the psychology jargon then that can add difficulty too. But yes it would be interesting to have a female psychologist’s opinions on the show. I’m sure there are some out there though lol

[@MBeano]

@@mirb2093 I think it's a mixed bag. There are several patterns. You pointed out a BIG one, which is just shut up and listen. Often it is many occurrences within an episode. He has clear biases. He did not like Cole at all. I think he was even trying to hide it, but it was obvious. Even after the alter and cuties scenes, like here, his bias is still present. He keeps saying Cole rejected Colleen. He did not. She shut down and did not want to open up. Cole even asked probing questions, and was actually good at articulating what he was meaning, and wanting, then continually chose to keep things superficial. That is NOT a rejection. She chose her path, via her actions and also words. He stated what he wants, and she did not want that. Only after this, did Cole state (rather well too) where he is at, and where she seems to be. He was still hoping she would start to open up. This bias of the Dr informs how he has reacted to the entire thing. (Someone posted the whole dialogue timeline in these comments). The other bias is in regards to his hypotheses. The Dr seems to cater and twist things to fit his conspiracy narrative. All together, with the pausing to go on tangents, the bias, and the conspiracy theories, there are common threads of not fully paying attention, and making ALOT of assumptions. It's a TV show, and he is doing these several at a time. However, even so, I sometimes wonder why I keep watching, because I can't trust him. He is probably great at his real job.

[@jdow615]

How does one find a specialist for being in connection with oneself? I think I’m getting better at it but this topic has truly ripped me open lol

[@268anita]

Imagine if we all had the starts of our relationships recorded and we were interviewed for our initial internal reactions and first impressions - while drunk and before we were committed- and then it got played back to us and our partner a couple years later. *shudder*

[@rebeccah4177]

That makes sense to me. It makes sense why her and Zainab were so close. Zay knew she wanted Matt

[@blackmber]

It sounds like production asked the cast members to make a list of their “top picks” so that they could plan the dates for filming. So it sounds like Colleen had people on her list that she wasn’t romantically interested in.

[@lev4392]

I kinda can see what Colleen is talking about here tho. Because I’m applying to grad school. I applied to three programs two that I really liked and one that I kinda liked but wasn’t as stoked on. I got a rejection letter from the program I wasn’t really excited about. I wasn’t disappointed, but it still hurt because it was a rejection. I think Colleen is saying something similar here, that she was considering 4 men and whatever order she was interested in them in, rejection still hurts and that why she reacted.

[@deeplyvibrant]

What you said about the feeling of self resonated with me so much because it sounds just like me. Do you recommend any book or avenue I can access to get this self-discovery?

[@andedom]

Therapy

[@deeplyvibrant]

@@andedom I'm in my 3rd year.

[@Sough]

"The real timeline showed i wasn't desperate". But then how were you crushed everytime a lower choice broke up with you... Just admit you felt pressure from thr producers, show format, society, and from yourself, to get with someone

[@flameprincess7313]

It is actually possible to take a liking to a couple different people without being "desperate"

[@flyersgirl929]

Not sure if this is applicable but some of what she’s saying, sounds like alexithymia - is not in connection with how they feel.

[@Sough]

"I was thinking, what do you mean by deep?" THEN ASK. Such a horribly conducted conversation by both of them

[@s.melonita4454]

Dr. Kirk I have to chime in - you've never been .001% with your hypotheses! You're 99% right on the nose.

[@ashleysmith1369]

Not sure why going deep=trauma for her?

[@mygrinningcat]

It might be because Zaynab in her perception owned that space. Sometimes it's hard to recognize your own stuff, if someone else has something so big and obvious in comparison.

[@Bree5three]

Ummm… your reactions this episode were genuinely confronting 😓. I always knew I connected with Colleen because I also was stumped and slightly annoyed by Cole’s line of questioning myself. Like had he also asked me and I wouldn't have an answer either. I also went directly to her answer “well I didn’t suffer any trauma so idk what you want me to say 🤷🏾‍♀️” But yea… I’ve got unpacking to do. But this just affirms we’re the same

[@Shoob-k5u]

That’s so interesting. I never would have gotten that from just the request to go deeper. Personally, id be a little like “what like, god and stuff?” But also like Dr Kirk said, what is trauma? You’ve had things in your life that have shaped you. I used to say I didn’t have any trauma growing up, and now that I’m 25 I’m realizing yes, I really did. I realized I was downplaying my own experiences bc it didn’t fit into this little box. Like bc I wasn’t orphaned or something my childhood was perfect.

[@Wowzaman638]

I really think Colleen was lying in this interview…things just don’t match up and she’s trying to do damage control.

[@unicornL]

Yep. Maybe she's sad she missed all the signs how Matt wasn't good for her

[@hakbug]

watched it for a minute and gave up immediately. why cant she be straight forward with her answers

[@pearlosibu]

Collleen’s answers are always so convoluted which makes it seem like she’s lying. Idk

[@unicornL]

When Colleen's sister looked disappointed the moment she agreed to marry Matt, I wondered what all she said to her sister. Also- why did she not have her sister as a maid of honor or bridesmaid? I've really wondered since that show aired

[@kaylababs]

Hi please react to i%i channel. He has a video on there called how I internalised my hate for bwwm relationship. He talks about his fears on racial dating. X

[@introvertedtaurean6626]

What's the channel name ? I want to check this out .

[@kaylababs]

@@introvertedtaurean6626 channel is i%i

[@introvertedtaurean6626]

@@kaylababs I searched it but couldn't didn't find anything. Can you post the link?

[@introvertedtaurean6626]

I finally found the channel, Kayla. Watching now...

[@kaylababs]

@@introvertedtaurean6626 let me know what you think.

[@sunnypie2]

In my opinion. Cole seems to rub a lot of people on this show the wrong way.

[@flygurl247]

Does anyone else feel like the dr overly talks and sometimes doesn’t make sense

[@QurVgn]

Troooolllllll

[@savanazeeb435]

Yes, he goes off on tangents.