Q&A - Do I Ever Discipline Jess?

I occasionally get asked if I discipline. My initial thought is always, "for what?" The discipline question makes me uncomfortable and I usually avoid the topic. Not today though. #autism #meltdowns #discipline #educating #teaching
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Jess is 34-years-old, autistic, and blind. Her favorite topics of conversation include getting a new dog, her friend Keely, her Aunt Sue, and cousin Donna. Jess collects CD’s of children’s music, cards, coloring books, and has a small collection of used up disposable cameras that she refuses to get developed. Favorite health foods include chicken and rice, chicken tenders, chicken nuggets, chicken biscuits, pepperoni pizza, and hash brown potatoes. Jess has naturally curly hair that she would rather not ever comb, brush, or cut.
Jessica’s multiple disabilities stem from brain damage that occurred in-utero, and from hydrocephalus. In addition to autism and blindness, Jess also has minor fine motor and gross motor deficits. Hannah is Jessica's sister, and Marlow is Jessica's paid support staff (and Hannah's best friend.)

[@lifes_a_journey]

I have so much respect for how you respect the fact that Jessica is an ADULT, and you make sure she has a say in her life wherever it is possible. And I 100% agree with how you handle behaviors without discipline. Your an excellent mother. ❤️

[@Ariesbuddha]

Beautifully said, I 10000% agree Val is an amazing mum and Jess is a wonderful young lady ❤ xxxxxxxxxxxxx

[@Shaping_Serenity]

Thank you!

[@katinamanning8608]

God Blessed Jess with the perfect mom, no doubt. Much respect to you Ms. Val.

[@vikkibyington3066]

Val, Honestly, this has never entered my mind. You are Jess’ soft place to fall. You know better than anyone how to deal with Jess’ behaviors. You KNOW what works for her. Jess’ is a very smart young lady. She is delightful and loving. Jess is the only autistic person I know and I know her only through you tube. I look forward to her videos daily. I never question your methods of anything you go through and deal with concerning Jess’ care. This video reminds me of an older video where J had a hair appointment with Ashley. She became very upset and a bit aggressive about Ashley. Her anger was obviously a responsive to fear of getting her hair cut. That happens to people without autism as well. The sweetest thing I’ve ever seen is when you hold Jess like a baby in your arms and just love her and talk with her. Val, you are a great Mom. Jess is amazing as are Hannah and Madison. Thanks for the Q & A . I love them. Much love yo Jess, you and all the rest. 😘😘

[@Shaping_Serenity]

❤️

[@cheryleverard9728]

You are such a Jessica “warrior”. Thank you for being that. You have taught her and help her to work things out when she is can’t express herself.

[@beckibommersbach1400]

I know you always try to be very humble about your knowledge, but I’m here to tell you that you are such a wise, loving and patient mom and human being. Every one of us can learn something from you ❤️❤️❤️

[@Shaping_Serenity]

Thank you!

[@mandymine4963]

Agree♥

[@emilee9526]

Hey Val. I appreciate how you discuss with Jessica why is feeling how she is feeling & weather or not we should not do certain things. I watched a current video when she was getting out either nuggets or crispies. You ket her have a little more the serving. She tried to add a couple more & you calmly asked her is she was going to be reasonable. Obviously this approach has been successful with Jess. Like you said in this video, you know Jess better than anyone & what works for ger. I noticed that she doesn't want to upset you ir make you upset with her. Bless her sensitive heart. Val, I've said this so many times, you have patiences of that is wonderful. It's just how you are & we can all kearn from you. I've noticed it in Nathan as well. So, I guess we can thank your parents 😊. Thank you for being such a great role model. We all need to be patient with each other. Thank you for discussing instead of discipline. How else do we learn about feelings & how to express our feelings.

[@stacyspurr953]

Val well said. With my son Max there are two big things I believe strongly in. One is after we have discussed whatever was said or done he has to apologize to that person. This is so important not only for the person but it is important for him as like Jess most of the time he feels so bad embarrassed and sad once the apology is made he can move on. It is also important for him to know obviously it is not ok for him to hurt someone’s feelings. The other big thing is I believe that siblings and other family members feel just as important as him so I remind him all the time unfortunately this is not max’s world lol and sometimes he needs to respect what his brother or another family member wants at the time. Those two things are the most important I feel as terms as respect for others.

[@sherryab3964]

Wow I just found this channel and so glad I did! This is an extremely important video that I think everyone should watch. I myself was diagnosed with both ADHD and level 1 autism (aspergers) a few years back at the age of 45. I mask very well and my ADHD certainly helps with being sociable. Many of my friends still don’t believe I have autism. I used to say “High Functioning” though many on my area of the spectrum do not appreciate that term as we do struggle underneath. Autism is a spectrum and I think many don’t really realize that. In my case, my parents raised me in the 70s and 80s like any other child and they did phenomenal. I was punished for “meltdowns” and I was pushed out of my comfort zone many times. I look back now with gratitude as I would never be able to function in society otherwise. However, the huge difference with me is this: I can communicate and 100% choose what I am doing wrong other than the fact that yes, I too have meltdowns due to being overwhelmed. My dad aren’t a didn’t know that of course. For example: throwing things against the wall and at my parents. This is unacceptable behaviour and the outcome was : I control my anger and take responsibility for it. So today, if I’m out shopping at the mall and I start to get irritated, I know it’s time to go and my husband knows that too. With Jess and others on her area of the spectrum, it has nothing to do with “misbehaving” other than a frustration about not being understood or being able to communicate her thoughts and feelings. Punishing Jess would have dire consequences. This would make her more frustrated and discourage any further attempts to learn to communicate better. I’m not saying that everyone on my end of the spectrum should be punished either. The spectrum is so vast and most of us have over diagnosis that it’s completely individual. This worked for me with my ADHD and autism level 1. Today I can control my emotions in a socially appropriate way and know my boundaries. I also continue to push myself out of my comfort zone which has allowed me to obtain a higher education and have had careers in business, finance, music, with now being a nurse and therapist. I’m going to share this video with many as it’s also an education tool. Thank-you for this really❤

[@Shaping_Serenity]

Thank you for sharing ❤️

[@bree8253]

I like the way you explain things. Makes perfect sense . I know how frustrating it is when people mis understand. It helps that Jess can talk to you . You're a wonderful mom .

[@webbuzzer1]

The best video l have seen Val of you talking it out with her, and helping her understand her feelings, is the video of Jessica getting her hair cut! I love that video. And no, decipline is not the answer for her. She does not understand that concept. It would just hurt Jess not help. Your doing just as you need to with Jess! Your Awesome and doing great! 🌺❤️🌺God bless you all! 🕊🙏🕊

[@dorothyhutchings9646]

You are amazing Val, and sometimes too kind in explaining things. Unless someone has an autistic child or around them they can’t understand. Now that I gave a 3 1/2 year old great granddaughter with autism I always follow her mom’s lead. She knows and is learning more everyday. Jess is an amazing young lady.

[@amelton1620]

I think you are an AMAZING mom and explain things very well and totally agree with how you treat Jess. Love you and your family. Thanks for sharing your amazing family with us. Wishing y’all a very merry Christmas and a happy new year!!!!!

[@deefletcher1775]

I love your attitude life. You're right. Everyone is different, and they deserve to be part of the family and use methods that work for each person. ❤

[@tiffanysamuelson9262]

This is so amazingly wonderful! You are a beautiful soul! The things you spoke of could be and should be applied to how to deal with all children! Those children without autism deserve the same patience and love and understanding you speak of and apply!

[@amberkrebs8443]

I agree, I don't discipline my adult children so why would you discipline Jess. You guide her and I think that is good. You are training her. Keep doing a good job all of you.

[@aydianaustin9107]

Val, I completely agree with your view on discipline Jess. I love watching Jess videos, she is a wonderful person inside & out.

[@siennaprice1351]

I get exactly what you’re saying. I’m an adult on the autism spectrum, and I have a couple other mental health conditions. When I get upset, I can get aggressive with my words, make threats, (I never make threats to others. Not like I used to.) I also get physical with myself. I’m even tough on myself by telling myself to not express any sad emotions, or I’ll give myself something to be sad about. My mom and my husband are very great with me. They don’t really discipline me, but there are times where I want to discipline myself. I’ve even told myself that I’ll make myself go without dinner and I wouldn’t have anything to drink. I’ve never followed through with that one.

[@angelaeglinger6608]

The first thing that comes to mind is that taking into consideration the world view and motivation for behaviors for all people, including children is much more productive than “punishment” out of our own frustrations. You provide boundaries for Jess because in many ways she’s unable to make decisions that are in her best interest. Examples include giving her instructions on bathing and dressing, her diet, taking medications, making dr appts… things she has to have help with to keep her safe and content. I think about the time you were at a family gathering and Jessica lost her phone. She became very upset and said things that are out of character for Jessica. As you spoke with her it became crystal clear how things went off the rails, and nobody was more upset than Jessica about her behaviors. It was heartbreaking to see her so upset and beautiful watching the way you helped her process what happened. There were natural consequences, you had to leave the gathering early. Nobody wanted that but it was best and you know the boundaries within which Jessica thrives. She is childlike in many ways, but she is not a child. Thank you so much for taking the time to address this, even though you were uncomfortable in doing so.

[@Shaping_Serenity]

Thank you!

[@brodiemurray765]

You’re my parenting role model Val. ♥️ J, Hannah and Madison are very lucky to have you as their Mama.

[@mcdougalmichelle]

Thanks so much for this Val. We learn so much from your experience’s. I watch so many of these videos daily and I noticed way back that I can go back two years and not realize it. Jessica has matured so much since some of the earlier videos and it makes me wonder if that’s where people are questioning discipline? Sometimes I see a glimpse of a child other times I see a glimpse of a grown adult in Jess. The fact is we all care or we wouldn’t watch. You And your girls are lovely people and most times I feel like I’m sitting right there in the room with you all. ♥️

[@simonedutch1264]

Warmest thank you, I found this so helpful. As a mum to a 25 year old daughter with Autismn, adhd, memory problems and PTSD you will never know how much I appreciate this video very much. I hope you and your family are keeping well.

[@Shaping_Serenity]

Thank you so much for your comment! ❤

[@morgancathcart3347]

Good on you Val. While I have used discipline with the clients that I worked with in the past, my views on discipline have changed over the years. Whether or not you have a disability, we all have a reason behind why we "act out". And for my clients who are similar to Jess, it's often because they are trying to communicate something and it's not being received well or at all. Because of this I have been working on trying to figure out the root of the problem rather than just going off of the fact that the behaviour was not so positive. I strongly believe in talking it through, coming up with a plan for next time, then giving each person involved a space to cool off and recollect themselves. The only time I will ever "discipline" is if someone is hurt or if it's a safety concern. But even then, after the situation has been escalated, I like to sit down and talk about why it happened.

[@TatteredAndTornPages]

Ding...ding. . Ding...... Exactly!!! And honestly how yr explaining this is EXACTLY what "we" see in the videos. It's more of guiding her to express the emotion where it makes sense to. It's honestly just like anyone who is frustrated. I raised 3 daughters , & I felt it was my job to GUIDE them through difficult situations. You & Jess are kinda AWESOME!!! (I hope I made sense)

[@KrystalHarwood-z1b]

of course you shouldnt because its not her fault she gets frustrated. i see this in my mom's special needs class. the kids are being disciplined and they do not understand why. if they act out its because they either cant talk or express themselves like other people. i know this is an old video but just thought i'd pass that along

[@GrannyGooseOnYouTube]

Val, have you ever considered doing a Ted Talk on "Parenting" an autistic or disabled adult? Your knowledge is so very valuable to many parents who may be struggling with transitioning from parenting their special needs child to empowering a special needs adult.. You explained this so beautifully, and you have such a careful way of speaking, to say just what you mean. People might get to hear and learn from you who otherwise would miss out! Blessings and Happy Holidays!

[@itscrystals]

Great idea! Val, you should consider this!

[@Shaping_Serenity]

Thank you. Maybe one of these days. 💕

[@katiepayne2479]

What a great idea! Could start small with a local chapter of Toastmasters.

[@laurallewellyn3620]

This is a fabulous idea! If Val is willing, she would be an amazing Ted Talk presenter. Her wisdom and wry humor make her an excellent speaker and advocate.

[@wessia45]

I notice she worries about being rude and asks if she is being rude or impatient. Makes me aware that you have somehow sometime talked to her about being rude or impatient. Which is exactly what I have done with my children for when they are in a hurry to do something and are either rude or impatient. I also use teach life lessons. Val you explained it so well Happy Holidays

[@vickichilders988]

Listening to you speak is like reading a good book. Thank you so much for all the wonderful insights you share with total strangers. I believe someone, somewhere needed to hear your wisdom today. God sure sent Jessica to the exact person for her, how blessed we all are for you and your entire family. 🤗🤗

[@jeannicholson9848]

VAL love your videos. You are such a role model for all moms I have been following you for 2 years and I have seen in change in Jess for the better. Tell her for me. See you tomorrow for thank you Thursday 😊🙏

[@elainewhitelock5347]

You have explained so well Val what is difficult to get others to understand. Autism is so complex. Human rights video would be very helpful too.

[@susanbrown6458]

Great explanations As a special educator, the term "behavior" used for negative behaviors that require correction bugs me too....behavior is anything we do, good and bad. I might call them outbursts or simply describe the behavior itself instead of saying "he/she had a behavior". Also, "discipline" means teaching, so also not just for correcting undesired behavior. One can't learn while in the middle of those difficult situations, so talking about it after the fact, problem-solving or practicing/teaching more desired responses in the future is discipline, and your explanation of how you do that is spot on, at any age, but especially with regards to honoring the dignity of being an adult!

[@kellylynn730]

In experiences that I’ve had working with special needs, outsiders usually think 1) you can’t correct behavior 2) you just need to discipline. What outsiders often fail to realize is that with any living, breathing person; neuro divergent, neuro typical, able bodied, disabled, etc. no two people are the same. What works for one may not work for the other. The wayone person has to learn math is different that someone else. Or the way one person stays organized is different than the other. And more often than not a lot of things are done through trial and error. Sometimes these things lead to making the behavior increase negatively. But that’s what we call a learning opportunity. How are you supposed to know right off the bat what to do?! I don’t think correcting behavior is wrong. Teaching manners, social cues, boundaries, both physical and emotional, etc. etc. those are normal life skills everyone learns. Those are normal skills we all learn daily because we are constantly around different people and in different situations. Once we master one, there’s something else we are to learn. Just because someone doesn’t do it at your pace doesn’t mean they’re wrong or bad. Okay, I’m on my soapbox again because people drive me bonkers. Val, I’d love to have a conversation with you about everything!! ❤️

[@EmilyReviews]

It seems like some people assume that if someone is asked not to do something one day, and then repeats it the next day, that they must be being willfully "bad". I think that leads many to seeing people with special needs as 'bad' when compared to other kids (or adults). Where of course, the reality is that correcting behaviors is going to often take more time when someone has special needs. Though even as a neurotypical adult, I have to say, I can't always change my own behaviors in the flip of a switch, either! It takes time to get rid of old 'bad' habits or to create new positive habits. Both are tough to accomplish sometimes even when you really want to change. I think that's just human.

[@JoJo-hi8xr]

Hello Val, I am a mum to 7 children. I have 6 boys and my youngest is a girl. 3 of my sons have been diagnosed with ADHD and Oppositional defiant disorder (ODD). I myself parent like you, I do not believe in "discipline" over the years we have found that compromise and listening works for us! Obviously we do have times where we have the sit down conversations about acceptable behaviour and how actions we make can impact others. I must point out that my children are very compassionate and understanding of others and their feelings. I am 100% with you on the way you do things and I am very experienced in doing my job as a mother just like you! I don't need to shout or scream at my children as believe it or not, my children understand calm conversations so much more then all that. Much love Jo x

[@Shaping_Serenity]

❤️

[@gwenbennett8955]

I agree with your position on discipline all around. When raising my girls who aren’t autistic (now grown), it always worked best for all to sit down and talk out the situation. I guess if they were late for curfew more than a few times we adjusted a privilege or something but again it all came back to talking it through and explaining why something wasn’t the best decision or whatever. My daughter to this day remembers discussions and even thanked me for the way we handled things. My opinion is when people act out or whatever there is a reason and I always thinks it’s best to talk it out and figure it out together:) Sorry so long! 💕

[@debbierogers8682]

Jessica is a precious sweet woman. She is so much more than her disabilities! She is in the perfect family. You are doing a wonderful job. You all are!!!

[@Sltimberlake]

You are amazing! I so appreciate your willingness to honestly speak in difficult questions/situations! I hope your page can grow and grow!

[@dawnjackson2190]

Ohh Val, I refer back to this video quite often. This particular Q&A is a perfect tool for so many of us that struggle with a loved one or any human actually who most often IS MISUNDERSTOOD. I especially love this "tool" if you can even call it that. It starts at the 7:10 mark. Ohhhh, so many of us should make this a true part of how humans should interact with others all the time. It truly should be a natural behavior. This is just 1 of many helpful tips in this Q&A. Thank you so very much!!

[@trinawiggins9910]

Keep doing what works for you and your family. You are amazing.

[@gaylyneprice8757]

Perfect explanation of complex communication skills!

[@ScooterGirlPenny]

Jess acts out when she feels some are getting more than her. The wrapping paper one, she kept asking I’m getting more, and one more later. Then ask a few times is this all for Hanna. She won’t let anyone have more on food either. I have seen you get very frustrated at these things sometimes. I love you all and your awesome mom too. Just trying to understand.

[@Shaping_Serenity]

Thanks for your question. I don't consider autism and anxiety to be 'acting out'. Jess needs a lot of reassurance in all aspects of her daily life. In the wrapping paper video, she's keeping up with how many I'm wrapping for her because we had talked about how many ahead of time. Her questions about it are coming from a place of counting down how many we have left to wrap. Similar situation with her asking about other peoples packages, including Hannah's. Jess can't visually see what packages are out on the table to wrap, or how many I still have hidden in my room to wrap. She's asking 'is this all' because she is curious. There is nothing wrong with that. It's the same as the question, 'are you finished' or 'are we there yet'. In regards to the food issues, I'm not sure which instance you are referencing specifically. She doesn't like to 'let' people eat her servings of food. I'm the same. I don't want people taking my servings off of my plate either. If you are referencing her not wanting to share food that people have sent to her, she does share. But, her initial reaction is one of being protective. Jessica has food insecurities stemming from negative experiences at a school. I hope this helps you understand.

[@allysonbruce554]

She's not acting out. YOU are misunderstanding her.

[@pennydavis9780]

@@allysonbruce554 This is a older video, and Val already explained why she does things like this and I totally understand now. So dont be so quick to say mean things to me. Maybe if you ran into something like this, first ask "did you find a answer to understand now, ect." Than to put judgement on my comment and disrupt this video.

[@allysonbruce554]

I was actually repeating a line that Val said in another video. People don't understand that they are misunderstanding Jess.

[@jessicadotson1489]

My daughter has autism and she is 24 but looks 12. I get the same question so I know what you are going through. The doctor said cognitively she is 7 or 8 years old. So I thank you area good mom so do what is best for you and Jess. Love you guys you helped me a lot in many ways. Thank you

[@baddaddy2826]

Thanks for your comments. 😊

[@Java-D]

Thank you so much for this video. I know it isn’t the same as having an adult, but my 7 year old is much like Jessica in so many ways. He’s autistic with adhd yet is verbal with an extensive vocabulary and knowledge. But like most autistics, he struggles when he’s misunderstood, when he’s confused about others words or actions, when his sensory or anxiety is overloaded, etc. This often looks like anger or rudeness, acting out, etc. He doesn’t like to share his things for fear of someone breaking, abusing, losing or taking something. This is so often misunderstood as being a spoiled brat. He doesn’t like to have detailed conversations or join in on things he doesn’t really care about, he’s more comfortable and less stressed talking about his interests. He has a major fear of babies and animals which comes out seeming horribly rude or naughty. Etc. It’s so hard when nobody truly understands your child. We deal with “discipline” in the same way you do. We work to help him calm down or use his sensory tools. Later in the day, when everyone is calm and happy, we talk about things that happened and some different ways everyone felt and how we could handle the situation in the future. Often times just explaining all perspectives and options helps a lot. But the “problem” is, with some family members or friends, they think we just don’t address it. They think we turn a blind eye to what they see as spoiled bratty issues which completely isn’t the case. I see you have a whole other dynamic on top of that because Jess is an adult. I think you do a fabulous job with her though. Your entire family is amazing and patient and mesh together well. I look forward to watching your video about Jess’ rights as an adult. I’ll need to take notes! Thanks for sharing your family even with the unfair judgements.

[@Shaping_Serenity]

I hear this about family misunderstanding a lot and it makes me sad. Educating on this issue within families is something I feel I need to eventually take on.

[@natashag863]

I love you talking about Jessica's rights as adult. That is such a tricky, but VERY important, area to deal with, and handle

[@beverlymcquiston7176]

I really think that is fair, Jessica is an adult and what are you going to do, put her in the corner? I think guidance and redirection and being a good, positive role model is what our children need from us as they become adults. I do have one question though and am worried to ask as sometimes things come across as criticism when being read and that is not my intention at all, When Jessica meets people she loves to talk to them and asks lots of questions. How do you deal with in the in the moment inappropriate questions or if you can see that someone may not be comfortable with the questions she is asking (deceased pets or family members etc). Thanks for all of your insight and sharing your family and Jessica with us.

[@marywilliamson1260]

I think you are an amazing parent and communicator...you are first class! Fielding some of these questions cannot be an easy task for you. 💝

[@kimjohnson8070]

I will never use that word Discipline again I’m ashamed,my daughter of 35 still needs guidance and teaching. Thank you Val!

[@andreavangundy3673]

I notice that whenever she is upset or “acting out”. You talk her through it with such patience and kindness.

[@krystalharwood6359]

my moms students are close to 30 and they still are disciplined(not spanked but they lose privileges and have their happy face stickers taken if they misbehave

[@JohnDoe-hg1sv]

you are a good mom I wish I had a mom who understand me I have a learning disabilities she reminds me of me thanks for being a great mom I do the same with my son I explain things to him

[@dandilionsandsunflowers]

I respect and agree with everything you have shared here!!❤️

[@josey998]

Would you do this to Hana or MAdison at this age? NO years ago like any child yes they need to be disciplined as they have grown up but she is a real adult and needs to be treated as so. Yes, you can't discipline like an NT kid but they need boundaries and a meltdown is not the same as just plain wrong behavior or something wrong. I have noticed that Jess when in a larger group I know she will check with you by asking "do I have a good attitude ?" I think that is wonderful since that means she is aware and being aware is the first step.I think she is aware that people do see moods differently and not the same. I think this last year Jess has matured so much and her way of talking with you, I believe she gets from than anything. you are Jessica's expert. Guidance is all you can give at this point and you are right about the happy and not spoiled you can see the balance and how you do with Jess and Hana as well is amazing. I also with all my experience professionally and privately do I think that SPN Kid's have an idea with discipline or time outs, I think they understand talking it out and explaining, and like you said most of the time it's about misunderstanding, communication issues. You are a great Mom and a great advocate for your daughter and a wonderful caretaker of Jessica and she is very lucky to have so much love!

[@gailplocharczyk3680]

I love you Val!! Its really "nonYA" of our business! You sharing is the best part of my day! People just never know when to hold their tongues. Thanks for the videos of making drinks too , the girls crack me up! 🎄❤💚🎄🤗

[@bethschenk2851]

Our lives got better when we adopted the positive attitude also. I support you 100%. I wish I had not listened to other people early on. I am the Mom of a 30 year old totally independent son with Asperger's. He lives in the city in his own apartment and has a good job. Has been independent for years, even living in other states. Back in the early years through Jr. high we weren't sure if that would ever happen. Some specialists and their "program of help" really made things worse, as did the school counselors who really didn't understand frustration meltdowns and not only caused them but kept them going. Then they wanted to enforce some major discipline. High school was great for him. It was like a different world. Resource teacher was wonderful and encouraged my son very much. Those outside influences, like school staff, can really mess it all up. A few awesome teachers changed everything. Discipline for a meltdown is wrong. The positive teachers and staff made him grow into a happy high schooler and a college grad with a bachelor of science degree. The sky is the limit when everyone is positive and encouraging.

[@angiesmith1173]

So wise. Redirect. I love parenting this way. One thing I love the most about Jessica is that you literally cannot put her into an age category. She is so many ages in one. I loved when she said…” I’m a grown up and I can have a kids Christmas “🎄amen 🥰

[@brookehollingsworth256]

I want to commend you on your ability to explain things the way you do. I love watchin your family and especially Jess. She always makes me smile and I feel as though I know her in person.

[@beatrizduran6547]

You do a great job understanding Jess and guide her to be at piece.❤️❤️❤️

[@maiziemom]

I love your family dynamics…everyone (including Bad-daddy) is so loving, caring & respectful. It feels like everyone is on the same page with their feelings & views…You are all very open & honest with one another and stay positive in solving dilemmas, difficult life experiences, and show such respect and patience. I love how Marlow and Jess click and “get each other,” and have such a close and fun relationship. Marlow’s like an extended family member, which is lovely to see! The one thing that amazes me is how caring and respectful Jess is towards Mama Jo… she just knows mama Jo is older and treats her so kindly as she does her own grandparents. She’s protective & motherly towards Mama Jo! You can tell, she REALLY likes being in her company! I really enjoy your channel. It has given me a glimpse into what it takes to raise a special needs person. Keep on doing what you do together! ❤️🧡💛💚💙

[@baddaddy2826]

Thank you!

[@piamiddione3695]

I loved how you explained this! You are a inspiration to me!

[@merrynwalker559]

Hi Val. I think discipline is the wrong word to use with Jessica. l have seen you interact with her when she gets over excited during thank you thursdays, and you say to her, ok we need to stop and just slow down some, which Jessica will then do. l often hear her say, "do l not have a good attitude?" So it's more sort of guidance and letting her know a particular behaviour is not acceptable or nice. As you say in this vlog if you were to go really mad or cross at Jess it would make the situation 100 times worse, and she isn't doing something bad, it's just that she gets over excited. So totally understand your vlog and understand your way of guiding Jessica.

[@averykate04]

advocate mama!!!! love how you speak up for Jess. have a Merry Christmas 🤶 🎄 🎅

[@aprilghostfindder3213]

I think u explained everything well I love watching Jess she amazing....

[@BookishDark]

I 100% agree with you. My nine year old is not on the spectrum but is a lot like me (and I’m likely somewhere on the spectrum) - very very VERY sensitive and reactive and she doesn’t do well with punitive tactics or harsh tactics with behavior correction. She never has. She doesn’t see it as punishment for behavior - she takes it as a punishment of her self - her literal being. Punishment is taken very personally. I’m the same way - I have always internalized it and it has created a lot of shame in my life. Heck, I’m 38 and I STILL don’t respond well to that type of approach. She’s frequently seen as a “brat” because of the way she presents her anxiety, worry, fear, and concern - which is usually a very defensive and harsh type of response. I am exactly the same way. So is my mother. Our worries and fears all manifest in very abrasive ways. My guess is that we all feel an innate anxiety that we’ll be misunderstood and tend to modify our behavior to be defensive in preparation for being misunderstood - before it even happens. Super ineffective and typically yields the exact opposite kind of response we really need: patience, communication, and understanding. (I know this can absolutely be seen as a failure in parenting, but my older daughter is actually very easy going and generally calm when worried and anxious - my little one came out of the womb ready to fight any and everyone lmao same mom, same parenting style, total opposite personalities lol sometimes genetics are just poised to make you a worried fighter, I guess.) Anyways, strict and punitive discipline is just a no-go for her. It does not work. Ive tried it (against my better judgment) and it always fails spectacularly. I’ve worked with children for over twenty years. I know every possible approach to behavioral issues. Harsh discipline does NOT work with her. And it never worked with me, either. Appealing to someone’s own humanity is always a better approach. Talking about their worries, talking about how their behaviors impact others, talking about other ways we can handle things in the future is always infinitely more productive than discipline. I know the world doesn’t typically use such a compassionate and individualized response, and I do try to tell my girls, “people in the world won’t know that you’re worried or upset and they, unfortunately, won’t take the time to find that out - you have to communicate when there’s a problem” (both girls have a frustrating habit of shutting down communication when they’re upset). I also explain that punishments are doled out far more often when you’re an adult. But I also refuse to employ harsh discipline. I spent most of my childhood feeling misunderstood - as a picky eater, super sensitive, sensory-overloaded stubborn child, I was always seen as manipulative by adults - if I refused to eat something or wear a certain pair of tights, I was viewed as difficult or my issue was dismissed as something I could “get over.” But I couldn’t. Knowing that, knowing what I know about childcare, knowing what I know about each of my children, how could I possibly approach behavioral issues purely through the lens of “do this or be punished”? I just couldn’t. Granted, this can be a dicey and slippery slope at times - my kids don’t always understand why I might be fuming when they’ve gotten out of bed for the thousandth time, and it can be easy for me to burn myself out because I don’t usually ask and they don’t always think to show me the same compassion I try to show them…but that’s a ME issue more than anything - I have to work on instilling compassion in them that goes both ways. And still, I also remember what it felt like to not understand - to not entirely understand that some scary things are in my imagination or scary noises are practical things with an explanation (like the air in the old radiators banging around); I remember what it felt like to be petrified but ignored; to be thirsty and yelled at; etc. If I know the reason for their issue, punishing them rather than helping them feels especially cruel.

[@sarahhunley9751]

Thanks for sharing, I feel this is the best and closest explanation for my own style of parenting. I’ve never liked the thought of spanking or harsh punishment for my children.

[@deliaenright]

It is very important to share/ teach that discipline is not a solution.

[@keepitREALalways2181]

Your a good mom Val...God blessed Jess with you for a reason..God bless you all and I hope you guys have a great Christmas

[@baddaddy2826]

Thank you! Merry Christmas!

[@Shaping_Serenity]

Merry Christmas!

[@rosiekellendonk7872]

The title of this video, plus the cameo pic...made me laugh out loud! Your graceful response to this question was 💯...bravo ❤️

[@stefwhey]

I wish I had your insight many years ago and had been a stronger person. I was many years being put down because of my child’s behaviour and now basically told I am a bad parent because of the disabilities many many people don’t understand. Thank you for sharing your life ❤️❤️!!

[@baddaddy2826]

Hi Stephanie. Don't be too hard on yourself. People who are rude or mean simply don't understand you or your child. That is their problem. Just keep doing your best and move forward. Hang in there and know that we understand and support you.

[@stefwhey]

@@baddaddy2826 Thank you so much! Healing is slow and steady 😊❤️.

[@kimwatts3892]

I agree with U Val. How can U Discipline an Adult? Can U Correct or Guide Her Yes. Thank You for Sharing Ur Life with Us !!!!

[@anyanaraya4483]

Here here . I do not discipline my son I've been attacked for that not doing it over the years no cares here . They do not understand my decisions I do and as long as he gets to be himself I just don't care what anybody thinks anymore well past it . Your amazing

[@Shaping_Serenity]

❤️

[@bethanystamper6713]

I'd say I'm still parented similar and it's also how I approach my girls. If we can talk it out then why would we fuss and argue?? That's just my view. My kids are still kids so sometimes I do have to discipline them but the calmer the better for me!

[@debbiehill4248]

You put things in perspective for me. You are correct Val. It comes down to ' whatever works for Jessica and your family. High five 🖐️👍🌟

[@janethegerle3069]

Val …… you are a superstar !!!!! ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

[@melissakeck1881]

As a mom with a 16 yr old on the spectrum and and an adult child with a TBI and two other kids. I agree with you completely. I prefer to use communication , redirection and some one on one time. I’m not perfect, but I try my best to respect and build autonomy and empathy. Thank for sharing your wisdom. ❤

[@Shaping_Serenity]

Thank you so much for your comment ❤️

[@heidiely3243]

What you've said here is 100% how I feel, not my opinion or approval of what you do regarding your parenting- that's none of my business. You have the same opinions that I do on this subject flat out, in general. I wish more people would feel this way. I have seen so much unwillingness to let go of how "things have always been" from people who do not know how to break the cycle of all the negativity of "discipline". If it worked for them it must work for everyone, not realizing it didn't really work for them in a positive way. And most, if not all, "discipline" is abusive or has an undercurrent of abuse just beneath the surface. Many people do not have the intent of being abusive but don't realize how trauma, negativity and denial of these things are rooted, often generationally over and over again in a cycle, in "discipline". Nothing wrong with correcting a child who is learning and needs direction and redirection. That is done through discussion and loss of the privledges that cannot be seen as rewarding unwanted behaviors, especially if the behaviors are continued after previous correction. Most correction is for parents to try with so-called neurotypical children..and even then, a different positive and nurturing approach may be needed. Children who are not so-called neurotypical, who instead are so-called neurodivergent, etc cannot be expected to operate in neurotypical understandings of correction in all ways, however healthy, nuturing and responsible. It just doesn't work that way. Sure, some are able to more than others in some ways. The core of being able to correct behavior is to educate on what is appropriate and be understood. As Val states, the child has to understand and be understood to navigate the trajectory of the behavior from beginning to end, to interpret the communication that was or was not being processed. The brain as a computer, if you will. For this reason alone, not one means works for all and not any means may work at all for all. Neurodivergent is never the same as neurotypical. And shouldn't be expected to operate in the same parameters. Particular disabilities DO make the individual special and unique and understanding is going to fluctuate depending on the person and their unique needs and understanding. Adults with disabilities are still adults. Not one of us who are adults here face discipline from our parents as an adult..few are still even being corrected as adult by our parents. Most parents do try to guide adult children but otherwise stay out of situations. They let go. We are not children anymore. We are who we are. Jessica is an adult before anything else. If there are people disciplining adults with disabilities, I guarantee you it's abusive. And there are laws about that. Correction through guidance and discussion and understanding of what is appropriate by the disabled person is the only acceptable and appropriate way to try and help. I'm so happy to see Val understanding this about this topic in general and applying it in her caregiving of Jessica. All of us are whole beings, all parts included, to be understood and to try to understand. I find it difficult to still hear adults speaking of various forms of abuse as acceptable ways to teach their children to correct their behavior, none of which is allowed by law. That's why the laws exist. And the same abuse is not allowed by law towards an adult, regardless. I wish more people would understand that abuse is also more than just the physical kind. What I imagine goes on behind closed doors in some people's homes makes me sad and is a trigger. It simply doesn't have to be that way. Each of us is capable of breaking generational cycles of what was once considered acceptable. It just takes one person to break the cycle. ❤️

[@erical6763]

I hate the fact that you have to even say this bc some of those people need to labeled with how old are they. You're an amazing Mom and Jessica has wonderful people around her that love her and teach her so much. ❤❤ thank you for sharing your family with us!

[@whizkid9124]

I am new here and follow your family as you are funny, informative and humbling. I have been binge watching your videos and my heart breaks for you to have to have this brought up. I don’t think you ever have to punish Jess my mom calls it redirecting. I have herd oh your mom doesn’t do punishment you will be in jail or because your sick she has pity. My mom corrected behavior and there was no need to be harsh. I think we all need to learn from Ms. Val in what she says. Jess has a hard life in a way you and I will never know. (hard as in being blind, autistic, etc.) She shows me how strong she is and how it’s hard to express yourself at times. I think she gives me strength as my battle with chemo is only for a while and her stuff is for a lifetime. Please stop asking questions that are hurtful and just plain thoughtless. Let’s put you in Ms. Val’s place or even how about Jess. That girl makes me laugh and I know it’s only a 30/60 sec blip of her day but in that short video I feel inspired, laugh and know that we take things for granted. Please think before you ask nitty questions!

[@brookiebrooke2091]

What u guys are doing is great👍. I, myself do not have any kids w/special needs.But autism has always pulled me for some reason, it's very interesting.I totally should've got into that field professionally!🧐 But just based on what I've seen or heard... there are not too many autistic adults online at all. So I can't imagine how many parents & families that u guys are helping! Giving them so much hope for the future! & Just sharing Jessica's & your familys story, of all of the trials & tribulations...& the challenges or successes. schools. In my opinion, y'all are a godsend to families everywhere.Special needs or not, this is an awesome channel for awareness & inspiration...thee best actually! 😇😄 Also, it doesn't hurt that Jessica is so darn cute, an amazing spirit in every way(w/great hair!) & There's no question that girl loves making videos & sharing w/ us how cool her family is!!! But thank you for educating & sharing y'alls lives...you help people every single day.

[@siobhanreid7785]

Love this Q&A…Positivity is the best approach ❤️ Its so true! ♥️

[@kathymaxwell8286]

“These people misunderstand that they misunderstand.” Such a great comment.

[@saskia964]

Didn’t catch that one, yes! Such a great framing of misunderstanding ❤️

[@Ariesbuddha]

I can totally resonate with this, my ASD adult daughter has been misunderstood so many times and called horrendous names because of how she presents herself under stress or when's she's frustrated with nasty people's reactions to her differences, i don't discipline her but I do explain what's aceptable and whats not in a caring and calm way, our daughters are alot alike 🥰🥰🥰 I wouldnt change her for the world xxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxx

[@Shaping_Serenity]

❤️

[@saskia964]

Yes please! (To your perspective on Jessica’s rights). Great Q&A. Captivating. Thank you.

[@Donoharm-p7k]

Love and respect. You are wonderful, kind person, it's obvious.

[@christybeene9232]

Val, you are a wonderful mom and bad daddy is a great dad!! I love Jess and your little family as well as Marlow and Mama Jo 😊!

[@baddaddy2826]

Thank you!

[@yeahyouknowit176]

Thank you so much for this video. You are a blessing.

[@lesliehaak4645]

You rocked that!!! Amen!!!

[@lindagreen3873]

Hi I’m Linda Green from Aylmer Ontario 🇨🇦 you do a great job with Jessica you’re very intelligent lady and you explain things perfectly well and I just love Jessica she’s a great girl and a very smart one too

[@baddaddy2826]

Hi Linda. Thanks for your comment.

[@charleneking-milley9951]

I think Jesica is very intelligent. She is a grown women. Guidance and love just like our regular adult children.♥️♥️

[@latainekey7884]

I don’t punish my son !! Because when he was younger the doctors told us that it really wasn’t good because within minutes to hours he had already forgotten what or why he was in trouble!! It’s still like that now!! I am like you when it comes to disciplining him !! But there is a certain family member very close to my son that really Erik’s me bc he is always getting into him or making comments about him doing or not doing something!! But it is awful because my son would be the first one to help this person out when needed ! Also we drink can soda and my son will crush the cans and when we take them off he gets the money for the work he has done

[@Shaping_Serenity]

Thank you for sharing ❤️

[@lindasansone3345]

Val , You are Jessica's Life . In a way , you are !!, and I wouldn't worry about what others think of you . If they think that Jessica's being spoiled or whatever , it shouldn't matter . 🙏🙄 Hopefully people will understand it 🙏🌷🌷🌷

[@kandydewey1286]

Discipline? Seriously? So many people would rather judge than educate. I too was once upon a time extremely ignorant with all forms of autism. My answer was always spank them every time they act up, I bet you see a big difference in behavior. 😢🥺I am not proud of that, but appreciate my friends step-mom who hired me as a special needs coordinator/caretaker. We did everything from the special Olympics to finding our friends jobs. I so miss that. But it took a lot of learning.......willingness to learn and acceptance on being so wrong 😑 but in the end I am grateful to God for everything I learned and was able..... am able to do. God bless

[@nancyvrba2179]

good for you. You have done a fantasstic job raising Jess ,she is a very kind young lady.

[@jkmotorcyclegloryroads532]

Brilliant explanations!

[@suehowick4209]

I feel so uncomfortable that people would ask you this. Simply by following your channel they should see your amazing understanding of Jessica's needs. This is why autism awareness needs people like you Val. Would I punish my 32 year old, certainly not. Hopefully they can understand better now.

[@SARCALMOM1]

Just came across this video,I am the mom of a 25 year old son with autism. I love how you worded this on discipline. I have been asked same about my son when he acts out. I try and explain to then but they do not understand. Thank you for this video. ❤️

[@lindaclarke9249]

I can’t believe some off the comments people make.You are wonderful with Jess and have a great family

[@tammymurphy2499]

Val your nails look very pretty. I don’t think it’s anyone business. You know how to handle and talk to Jess. We’ve all been missed understood at times. So people get a life!!

[@Natsuki035]

I agree with you Tammy it isn't anyone's business

[@bonniewheatley6381]

Val it seems like your way works for Jess. Everyone has to do what works with theirs and in the home. Thanks for the Q&A's. You sure have helped me with the care for my niece. Love y'all💝

[@Susanloveslife]

Discipline her for what? How can you discipline someone for something they were born with? 😢😢 Jessica is perfect the way God made her. I love watching her laugh and her excitement and joy over the smallest things.

[@baddaddy2826]

Thank you!

[@krystalharwood6359]

well it technically is bad behavior. it should still be addressed

[@allysonbruce554]

@@krystalharwood6359 it's not bad behavior. You are actually misinterpreting these behaviors and should remember that her brain doesn't work the same as neurotypicals. You don't punish somebody for a disorder they were born with. You stay patient and try to educate or in this case redirect.

[@ScooterGirlPenny]

Did you ever get the results of her MRI?

[@baddaddy2826]

Hi Penny. Jess hasn't had her MRI yet. She had the EEG and we received a good report. Jess will stay on her current meds for that. Thanks.

[@pennydavis9780]

@@baddaddy2826 Thank you for letting me know as I'm concerned as I'm sure others are too. Your a bad Daddy haha 🤣

[@jessluvs2teech42]

Always appreciate your Q&A videos. You explain with such detail and give us all knowledge to help us understand. You are a wonderful mother. I enjoy watching your videos. All the best to your family and Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

[@baddaddy2826]

Thank you! Merry Christmas!

[@Shaping_Serenity]

Merry Christmas!

[@karengaughen6181]

Wonderfully said

[@itscrystals]

I get this questioned asked a lot! 🙄 My son is 4, autistic and non verbal. There isn’t discipline, there is me talking to him to try to get him distracted and moved on to something I know he likes. He can’t express his feelings, so when he gets frustrated! Wouldn’t we all get frustrated if we couldn’t express our feelings? You’re a great mother and Jessica is so very lucky to have you as her mother.

[@Shaping_Serenity]

❤️