Rating Tumblr's Infamous Fake Stories

[@kiiokotoriikitscrazyhesony8242]

"this may sound fake but i assure you, my life is stranger than fiction" is the beginning of a fucking horror story

[@gargles5270]

it sounds like the prelude to an episode of goosebumps😭

[@cloudieo]

@@gargles5270 IT DOES OH MY GOD

[@user-xr4jy5vv4f]

My life is literally stranger than fiction Like "why me" is something I say like 50x a day

[@somerandomgoblin2583]

Their life is the fucking Twilight Zone

[@rats_in_a_PACK]

ur name is amazing

[@doitxi9127]

"I'm gonna culture you like yogurt" is so funny for some reason

[@emclaire7027]

It has such a threatening aura

[@ashoka9306]

sounds like a threat

[@BiologicalClock]

I love it so much that I plan to integrate this into my everyday conversation from this day on.

[@namikiyomizu3647]

"I'm gonna culture you kids" really resonates with me...

[@ShadaOfAllThings]

Big "I'll make you a vintage like milk" energy

[@korinnab.2318]

The homophobe on the bus story is unbelievable because in real life the old woman would have assumed they were sisters or really good friends

[@TheAmazingDoorknob]

my grandma doesn't even know lesbians exist

[@gayvideos3808]

I stg I thought the driver was gonna be gay too

[@papastalin69]

also jamaica is a pretty damn homophobic country

[@qu1tttt]

italian bus driver

[@Bea-a-deer]

@@gayvideos3808 alt ending: the bus driver comes out as gay, kisses the man next to the elderly women… and the whole bus claps.

[@sketchycat6223]

The thing that really gets me about the warm milk story is the audacity of op to be like “I’ll have another on the house, I think I’ve earned it” LIKE WHAT

[@Saltboi312]

Same just demanding another drink for free from the barista who also happens to be asexual. Absurd

[@justsomerandompersononthei1773]

Like the barista could've also just offered them that??? Still super weird and unrealistic but makes slightly more sense. you can even throw in a line like "well if I'll get fired anyway [for throwing water on a patron], might as well give you another one on the house!" But straight up just demanding it is... Something else for sure

[@wysteria.]

​@@justsomerandompersononthei1773it makes more sense when you approach it knowing that this isn't a post from someone who's actually ace but someone who's trying to make ace people look bad, its a double-fake post basically. they're actively trying to portray ace people as weirdos by giving the protagonist an obnoxious, smug attitude

[@soupeater]

​@@justsomerandompersononthei1773RIGHT thats what i was thinking like why not just write the barista offering a free drink instead of writing themselves demanding it 💀

[@gummywormee41]

​@@soupeaterits mainly bc the op of that was a troll who was trying to make ace people seem smug and bad. I think around that time Tumblr was weirdly bigoted (/gen) against ace people. Basically it's like Oppa Homeless but instead of making a fake screenshot it's a fake blog

[@PinkSkunkSleepy]

the furry one was absolutely, undeniably written by a homestuck fan and the language alone makes it abundantly clear

[@gothicGumshoe]

I was thinking that. Theres no way it wasnt.

[@cractor6307]

In the middle I was like "this is a Dave kin" imagine being a homestuck and getting angry at furries lmao

[@coolmoth3771]

the use of rumpus confirmed it for me

[@bluessbelles]

Andrew “Lawsuit” Hussie would be proud

[@gothicGumshoe]

@@cractor6307 It sounded EXACTLY like a karkat kin to me. Too many big angry words.

[@GibusWearingMann]

that anti-self-hate school story just clicked for me: it's the tumblr version of those stories where an atheist professor has some dumb questions and a christian student has a perfect rebuttal and also turns out to be albert einstein

[@azurdlywisterious]

wheres the tumblr version of gods not dead starring david tennant????

[@ayl9261]

“But Teacher I just don’t understand!!”

[@ashikjaman1940]

@@azurdlywisterious Doctor's Not Dead

[@henryskipper5507]

Dude exactly

[@catsplat1272]

I remember reading one of those and proudly showing it to my parents when I was a Christian 😭 also wasn’t Einstein Jewish anyway

[@emmapolcyn9505]

I can't believe bus driver mario kicked monokuma off for being homophobic

[@alicequeenofmadness9995]

This comment has sent me into a laughing fit, thanks for making my day:)

[@charliedeegan1598]

OH MY GOD

[@fletcheragenda6014]

Chris pratt mario leaked?

[@gentlesandladymen]

@@fletcheragenda6014 Nah, Mario would BE the homophobic one 😂

[@Corpsesdonotspeak]

@Baby excuse me

[@fntthesmth423]

It's funny to me how "and everybody clapped" is so common in these stories, because in my high school it was actually really common for people to applaud mundane things

[@d_alistair-years]

It’s also an American stereotype, so it’s why I found many of these stories plausible back then

[@maddieb.4282]

@@d_alistair-yearsit’s not an American stereotype, it’s a Hollywood movie stereotype and so people assume that all Americans do it lmfao

[@juliaoliver2446]

​@Maddie B. Yes thats what a stereotype is.

[@problemsfan4132]

The clapping thing actually happened to me in class once. And I got so furious afterward because I knew if I told anyone what I'd said beforehand it'd sound fake as hell.

[@sekiro_the_one-armed_wolf]

@@juliaoliver2446 stereotypes are exclusively from Hollywood? Never knew.

[@kr1skr0ss]

As a tot hopic employee, the MCR thing does happen, and we do change it. But not because people go quiet in awe or something, but because younger kids will like SCREAM it and it is annoying AF when you're trying to hear someone during checkout.

[@trashboat204]

Yeah same at the Hot Topic I work at. MCR and I write sins not tragedies, are usually the ones that are skipped or taken off of the playlist all together because when there are only 2 people working and like 10 thirteen year olds, it is too much to handle.

[@iawesome222]

also im tired of hearing it 20 times a day because thats the only mcr song they play

[@moorjammin]

I KEEP SEEING MCR AND CONFUSING IT WITH CCR

[@Dethamaranth]

LMFAO oh god that sounds annoying but honestly kinda hilarious 😭 I've never been to hot topic cause they don't have em in my country but holy shit this sounds like An Experience. sorry that y'all can't just play a song without people being obnoxious in public though.

[@myagrimm4719]

I don't understand, why do they scream?

[@biker6070]

I hate, hate, HATE the furry person’s storytelling. Too much purple prose and arrogance.

[@TheScourge007]

I have to assume this was a consequence of Homestuck

[@fennixari]

not to mention just, throwing in the word “shoah” as the narrator mentions :/

[@SiRenfield]

Plus just generally one of those people that lets a fandom or subculture they don’t like just live in their head rent free. Like “are you okay dude?”

[@thriftstorepierrotdoll9851]

it hurt my brain so bad

[@Celalec]

@@TheScourge007 glad to know I wasnt the only one who thought that. Midway through I thought "did rose lalonde write this shit"?

[@byebyememeboy2912]

Honestly as a hottopic manager….seeing ex emos come into the store and look dead inside when they hear the beginning of the black parade happens every single day. It’s hilarious.

[@trashboat204]

The old emos are usually the coolest people that come into my store. We do usually end up turning off some of the more popular MCR songs because of the screaming 13 year olds.

[@nightlight0x07cc]

I can't believe they don't enjoy MCR :/

[@ambereyedbabygirl]

@@nightlight0x07cc you just don't understand

[@ambereyedbabygirl]

@@nightlight0x07cc or its sarcasm

[@nightlight0x07cc]

@@ambereyedbabygirl no I love the Black Parade :3

[@Jason_Altea]

Honestly the most unrealistic part of the "I'm not like _other_ girls. I like old school rock, and I _hate_ One Direction!" story is that the cashier tried to judge her for liking Led Zeppelin. If an adult working at a music shop sees a teen who's into the same stuff they are, no way they'd pull that kinda stunt. They'd start gushing over the band and asking what their favorite album or song is because people _like it_ when younger people are fans of the stuff they like.

[@bogwife7942]

yep. the record store employee got a kick out of the nick cave CD I was buying. most older people (especially ones who aren't your parents or your teachers) are actually chill and cool and talking to them broadens your understanding of the world

[@perciusmandate]

Recipe for fake Tumblr story: Random stranger calls out OP for a quality/fanship/identity that is typically not readily apparent to most passing strangers in real life. OP reacts with righteous indignation to being called out with the perfect thesis statement comeback. Rando becomes cartoonishly, unreasonably angry at OP for sticking up for themselves, possibly to the point of threats of violence. Stranger who is bigger/older steps in to support OP, sometimes threatening Rando in turn. Rando stammers/breaks into tears and runs off. OP thanks Stranger for their support. Stranger reveals that they/a relative are also quality/fanship/identity. Everybody claps.

[@mirror1643]

its a thing that happens in overwatch but not irl

[@alliexcx5576]

Lmao

[@ForestGreenSharpie]

tumblr loves smug social justice

[@Grandpa-insect]

Someone needs to make a fake tumblr story madlibs format, it'll be glorious

[@johnr797]

And then they find 5 dollars

[@CharleyMarlowe]

That furry post was the worst thing I've ever read. It was miserable to get through their empty prose. Thanks for asking me to voice it for you, I had a blast!

[@walkingonneedles]

felt like i was being thrown hate speech directly at me the whole way through thanks for reading it for us

[@lisah-p8474]

Yes! When you yelled "Shut up!!!" I could feel it in my soul. That was insufferable.

[@hollandscottthomas]

Thank you for your service. That was torture.

[@redsands1001]

Thank you for your sacrifice

[@Mothman_In_a_T-Pose]

Thank you for putting yourself through that. Also, I gotta say, giving a Jamaican character a Mario-style Italian accent for a tumblr fake story is honestly just peak tumblr energy. I've been laughing my ass off through the entire video. Thank you.

[@soan8565]

the most unrealistic thing about the warm milk story is that there are four random people in the same room who all know what asexuality is and can identify the flag....

[@sillypplproductions2]

EXACTLY

[@randomthoughts0829]

I mean maybe back in 2013 but now asexuality is incredibly well known. It wouldn't be a shock now

[@sh0wp0ny]

@@randomthoughts0829 idk what kind of world you live in, but people dont even understand that gay people exist yet, lol

[@randomthoughts0829]

@@sh0wp0ny what world do YOU live in?

[@sh0wp0ny]

@@randomthoughts0829 earth. heteronormativity means even grown afults dont understand that somebody can be gay, let alone how or why

[@laraweinberg7635]

Most unbelievable thing about the "someone put weed in the vents" post is that no teenager is going to waste their weed like that.

[@hanscapon222]

Idk I knew some kids who tried to sneak weed into the Bunsen burners of the science room cause they thought it’d be funny. They had parents who grew it so it wasn’t hard for them to get.

[@FernBlackwood1995]

I can legally get an ounce for $30 and I’m 27. If I hated my landlords and neighbours, I would ABSOLUTELY do this.

[@laraweinberg7635]

@@FernBlackwood1995 exactly, you're 27. teenagers cannot buy weed legally and $30 is not a small expense for a teen

[@deadmeme9031]

​@@FernBlackwood1995 27 year olds aren't teenagers, hope this helps

[@blue-hawaii-mc4vf]

​@@deadmeme9031this comment sent ice water out my nose thanks

[@WillowChord]

i've never heard the term aceggot in my life and i find it absolutely hilarious. It's like... not even a slur, it's just throwing the non-offensive suffix of a slur onto an actual word. It's like changing it to "Gayggot" or "Panggot". Totally floored

[@melloncollie3321]

If they did it for bisexuals it would just be bigot but BIGGER

[@LittleBlackFoxInali]

It's even wilder because apparently a known acephobe wrote the whole thing.

[@anon_is_typing]

@@LittleBlackFoxInali JGKDFKDHAJJ IT JUST KEEPS GETTING BETTER

[@daneroberts1996]

If I heard that I’d think they were saying ‘ace-git’ which still isn’t nice but would be a confusing thing to call someone

[@kamtheman6816]

I literally didn't get what that meant until you put more examples, I legit thought it was about nuggets

[@theprincess3872]

The furry story sounds like something Onision would write, just slightly more readable and with less grammatical errors

[@ah-nononoo]

It did have that pretentious way of over explaining to it

[@marnirobertson]

it’s very ironic, but…. fewer grammatical errors. it’s quantifiable.

[@griffinkimball2454]

Including how it frames people as utter monsters without actually doing anything to establish them as such. Like, in the story 1 furry does a bad thing, but by the way it is written it is like we are supposed to root for the people whodecided to beat up the rest of them. Rather than Furries ruining the school, ut sounds more like everyone else ruined it by attacking others for no reason. But that is just me putting way too much thought into something that never happened

[@dragoncatoverload]

I didn’t see any grammatical errors? Just over the top language that makes it hard to read aloud without verbally tripping up. And I don’t get the vibe that they’re a bad writer, just a pretentious, judgmental ass with a stick up their ass. Take out them chewing up the scenery (which they are clearly doing on purpose for reasons of humor) and it’s a decent read.

[@leeleemerk7344]

fewer

[@curetapwater5604]

As a person of Jamaican descent, I approve of the choice to portray the Jamaican bus driver using a Mario impression.

[@CharleyMarlowe]

I'm glad I have your approval!

[@Alicia-kp8bg]

I’m also Jamaican, and thank you for doing a Mario impression instead of a crappy Jamaican one!

[@Judgement_Kazzy]

Now I just wanna hear Mario portrayed with a stereotypical Jamaican accent.

[@zinniaward8549]

Italianfishing

[@sintholo6351]

It's a me, some random Jamaican guy.

[@cthrugrl]

i somehow missed the part of the warm milk story where the person was wearing an ace flag and i thought that they were living in a bizarro world where warm milk was just... a stereotype of asexual people

[@angelsartandgaming]

I would not mind that stereotype honestly. Haha!

[@victoryjamz]

honestly it might be now

[@eugeniabukhman8533]

Well at this point there's no getting rid of that association

[@forestarden4406]

SAME

[@lilpetz500]

I will not be accepting the stereotype because milk is lowkey kind of weird, but tbh I also dont like garlic bread, so I don't think my personal taste has any basis in declaring the edible icons of the aces 😂 And like, warm milk = ace, why??? At least cake and garlic bread are indulgent treats people crave, and make for a nice analogy for attraction. Who craves warm milk?!

[@DrNukeShow]

I used to tell fake stories, not for attention or because I thought they were interesting, literally just because. They were the most mundane shit, but I still lied for no reason. Stuff like "I had pancakes for breakfast yesterday" when I actually had eggs and bacon. Literally lying with nothing to gain from it.

[@callumg3330]

That’s a clinically anti-social trait

[@aquanecromancer5776]

@@callumg3330 Also something kids do.

[@karanaki_3256]

That’s called compulsive lying and I also went through the same thing. It was very hard but It’s manageable as long as you keep reminding yourself that it’s okay to admit you lied no matter the reaction you get from others.

[@squigg7107]

I did that too when I was 6-8. Loads of kids have a random lying phase around that age. It’s an odd phenomenon.

[@ThisAccount]

Based

[@TwinkCookies]

As someone whose native language isn't English, I learned so many... interesting words in that furry story. I feel like a scientist observing culture on a petri dish. Thanks.

[@jinx7018]

As someone who’s native language IS English, I also learned so many interesting words in that story. Believe me, no one uses those words like ever. Especially “Japery”

[@carlybarker6180]

as an AP language and composition student who’s native language is english, i learned new words too. i… i’m processing…

[@bideng9855]

Perfect analogy. Analyzing a culture grown from a swab of your own mouth under a microscope is definitely uncomfortable but educating in a similar way lol...

[@happyfrigginrainbowcookies]

As someone who's native language is english that post was annoying as fuck and I understood nothing.

[@eduarda2534]

@@happyfrigginrainbowcookies Thank God. English is my second language and I understood absolutely nothing and thought there was something wrong with me.

[@bubbletea1985]

I always find it funny how tumblr used to think "ageism" meant your parents taking your xbox away for failing English, not the neglect and discrimination of the elderly

[@selegnaisonline]

johnny pfp? elite taste

[@lizabethhampton4537]

I think because they were looking for a word that means "supports children's human rights" and found "anti-ageist" and decided to roll with that. Then they grew up some. A lot easier to just say one is anti-child abuse or anti-spanking (of children, and not in a bedroom, between consenting adults context).

[@shaaekli]

@@lizabethhampton4537 do you include that disclaimer for everything that could be bdsm related? "Tying someone up, beating them, and using them as a stool is wrong (unless its between consenting adults)"

[@Butterfly1025A]

@@shaaekli god I hope they do, that’s hilarious

[@jalapeno1119]

Oh my god. Just last year I came across a post where this girl was begging for money because she lived with her mom who was abusive. The abuse? Making her daughter apply for jobs and wash the dishes everyday. Like goddamn, your mom is trying to motivate you to become financially independent and washing the dishes is the least you can do for someone letting you live with them rent-free. And people actually fucking donated.

[@funkfreaked]

the furry story guy was ABSOLUTELY a homestuck. there were at least 12 discreet homestuck references on there. that shit reads like it was written by andrew hussie himself. i’m obsessed with it.

[@yurifairy2969]

when I saw the disclaimer about the different writing style I immediately knew it was gonna be some early homestuck fandom horseshit

[@fourthmatchflame]

huh? what where the reffrences?

[@axelfirekirby]

​@@fourthmatchflame beck noire and the karkat amount of swearing

[@fourthmatchflame]

@@axelfirekirby hm.

[@ArcaneAvian19]

This person rps Karkat.

[@JustWowNick]

“Im gonna go have sex with my boyfriend” is such a goofy line already but the voiceover made it 10x better and I couldn’t help but giggle.

[@LemonnNote]

It's reminding me of, "I'm so mad. I'm going to have sex with my girl friend so I won't be so mad."

[@gayvideos3808]

That's such a boss line to drop irl in any other context and so funny to think about them having sex like "babe an ace bullied me today"

[@artful_alicat]

The warm milk story comes across like a 4channer trying to make ace and gay people look bad because not only is it so unbelievably written but it’s so unbelievable to think somebody genuinely believed what they were pushing

[@TheAdrift]

It is from an acephobic troll blog

[@meyramerah]

@@mingledingle1556theyre mad aces keep depleting the dominos garlic bread supply

[@sailorwillow17]

@@meyramerah HELP THIS IS SO FUNNY, I LOVE GARLIC BREAD AND IM ACE ISNABFISLSNEB

[@Cindyisadog]

@@meyramerah god dominos garlic bread is so fucking good tho

[@splendidsimp]

@@meyramerah I would literally fight an asexual right now for some garlic bread

[@honkandursun9402]

So proud of Mario for standing up for those lesbians!!

[@UnfamiliarEyes]

Mario the lesbian protector

[@jermuhh3359]

Jamaican Mario is an ally

[@strawberrycoolatta]

we love jamaican mario here 🇯🇲🇮🇹

[@Strangecoinsz]

Thank you for this comment lmao. As soon as I heard the accent, I was like "nope, I just cant" rotf

[@tyrannysend]

Nice for the Luigi to invite us over to a picnic, Lesbian Peach?

[@aedanokelly5794]

“Another warm milk on the house” as if they’re in a Wild West saloon 💀

[@randomwhatever5403]

Btw that story was made up by someone who hated asexuals to make them look bad, not by an asexual.

[@violet..violet..]

i love how these fake stories always throw in a little diversity. like yeah, we could have a bus driver of nonspecified race and body type, but this person said no. action starts with me. be the change you wish to see in the world. mlk. how has racism recovered?

[@ironwraith852]

Yeah. I could understand specifying what race someone was if it was relevant to the story. Just kinda threw it in there:

[@nyxcat3621]

Fr, especially when these stories mention or try to phonetically write words with strong accents it’s pretty weird

[@slasherfilmz]

the driver (a big Jamaican man)

[@howdoimakeachannel-wj3qc]

@disturbedblair the old lady (a short English woman)

[@maddieb.4282]

Me (a clown of unspecified race and gender)

[@AsioEntomo]

The prose, the wording, the offensive references... the furry one was very clearly written by an edgy homestuck who shipped davekat way too hard.

[@Ollebolle112]

How to you know how homestuck is written?

[@AsioEntomo]

@@Ollebolle112 2012 was a dark, dark year.

[@akiraeatsguitarpicks491]

Did nazis like homestuck?

[@sioward2753]

@@Ollebolle112 If you were on tumblr when homestuck was at peak popularity, you knew how homestuck was written. EVEN IF YOU DIDN'T WANT TO.

[@evelyntheidiot6]

accurate 😔😔

[@corduroy799]

The most unbelievable part of that warm milk ace post is the idea that someone would recognize the ace flag in public ☠️☠️☠️

[@mori6434]

I know right, my first thought was literally "nobody even knows what aces are, no way a rando could recognize the flag." I've had to explain it to all but one of the people I've told I'm ace to. That one person? Also ace.

[@staters_college_tagers]

that’s because it’s a doublefake post made by someone whose intent is to slander asexuals. the blog responsible for it is a known troll.

[@goth_papa]

I'm ace and I can't even remember what the ace flag looks like lmao 💀

[@velvet3776]

​@@goth_papa I was working on constructing mini pride flags for an event at my college, including ace flags. From my little work space, I happened to glance over at the person making the ace flags. Every single one was upside down. Purple on top, black on bottom. And even as an ace person myself, I had to double-check on Google to make 100% sure before I had the confidence to point it out. If a terminally online asexual college student has trouble with their own flag, then some coffee shop rando doesn't have a chance lmao

[@dramaqueen12397]

TIL from these replies that it's uncommon to memorize every pride flag you come into contact with so you can make everyone feel accepted and recognized.

[@hope_1820]

That furry high school post was written by a Homestuck fan. I can't exactly explain how, but it's so obviously written by a young person under heavy Homestuck influence. As soon as I saw the word "murderviolence" I started getting vivid flashbacks in Courier New (Bold).

[@jadethenidoran]

Yeah, there's a lot of "Hussie words" in that, and the writing style seems to almost deliberately be mimicking some of the wordier narration and monologues from the comic. You can't be a Homestuck fan and try and paint furries as weird and cringe. Both have their weirdos and cringe people/behavior.

[@roseyoung44]

​@@ckorp666 that's what make it so weird lol! So many homestuck characters were at least furry adjacent. I can't imagine being a homestuck fan and being against furries, it just doesn't compute

[@wysteria.]

​@@roseyoung44i dont really know anything about homestuck, but i do recognize alt right weirdos when i see them, and that poster absolutely reeked of 4channer, so that explains the intense hatred of furries (and also the casual anti semitism)

[@furbys_prey_on_transphobes4065]

shaking crying and throwing up i was just targeted by the down with cis bus thank you Strange for posting this as i’m recovering in the hospital

[@binnskawibble1222]

thoughts and prayers

[@furbys_prey_on_transphobes4065]

@@binnskawibble1222 thank you 🥺

[@renhey9979]

Best wishes, god bless 🙏🙏

[@alli_336]

i’ve seen the bus around my place recently, keep an eye out cis people it’s a dangerous place hope you recover soon and safely

[@K3rplunk3d]

this is true, i was on the bus

[@CT-se8vn]

The unbelievable part about the warm milk at Starbucks post is they didn’t say what size. We all know starbucks bullies you into saying their sizing.

[@ArturGlass.C]

I don't I feel like the most unbelievable part is there were two asexuals meeting IRL on accident. Never heard of such a thing happening. It might have but it's only heard in legends.

[@Meeko4eve39]

@@ArturGlass.C As a real life asexual I must assume that I can now justifiably refer to myself as being made of "the stuff of legends" because I somehow did manage to find and befriend another asexual when I started university on accident, not through going to a space dedicated to meeting folks. We really just met by chance because we started off studying the same thing. It is amazing!

[@ArturGlass.C]

@@Meeko4eve39 HOLY SHIT....that is surreal. I only ever meet over aces online. Well outside of my dad but it's not an accident since it's genetic. You both are the chosen ones lmao.

[@Meeko4eve39]

@@ArturGlass.C I shall tell her the next time we talk that we've been dubbed the chosen ones 😁 But yeah. Outside of that one time I also never met any other Aces in real life, sadly.

[@g0ldenrayz]

As a Starbucks barista, yeah, we'll bully you cause we need to know what size cup to write your order on. Also because we're all sadistic. 🙂

[@galactic-hamster7043]

This is like sitting around a campfire for internet users in 2014

[@Lucifersfursona]

And every word gets me one step closer to self immolation remembering the name that was there😂

[@galactic-hamster7043]

@@Lucifersfursona was his name... Strange Aeons?

[@AxxLAfriku]

I am the cool kid from Germany making videos for the USA and the rest of the world. I will make your day so don't say nay to me today, dear ga

[@thatoneguy9582]

let’s gather round the campfire and sing our campfire song,

[@pinkpusheenpaws]

@@thatoneguy9582 our warm milk drinking, cis bus driving, S O N G song

[@petrabotha8314]

As an Ace with an Ace pin, that conversation would go: It wouldn't. No one recognises the damn pin. Kudos for having your character order warm milk though, that's funny as shit. I'm gonna start walking into random restaurants, bars and hair salons and ordering a warm milk.

[@PlutosAsleep]

i’m bi but when i see “niche” lgbtq+ pins / merch i always complement people as a way to show that i see it!!!

[@kaifisshhh]

The most conversation that would ever happen abt a niche lgbt pin is “nice pin” “thanks”

[@Sgublaka94]

”My life is stanger than fiction” contains so much cringe in six words

[@jasonwalker4003]

like, if somebody says that to me, they better be WEIRD. they better have an extra limb, been raised by ninjas, and beat the president in a trail of strength to say that shit

[@evanbradley6169]

I guess in a way it's kind of true for most people. In fiction things rarely happen for no apparent reason; but there's a lot of stuff in real life that never comes up again and has no significance to your overall story.

[@vallisdaemonumofficial]

Whether they like each other or not, 4chan and Tumblr have always had some entertaining fake stories

[@eternal4074]

what do you mean?! green texts are always real!

[@YouAreStillNotablaze]

I don't know why everyone would just assume that they were ever really all that different.. The only difference is one over-moderated and one proceeded to not moderate at all.

[@chelm3794]

Ah yes, the duality of man

[@DistractedGlobeGuy]

Difference is that greentexts are intentionally funny.

[@choicethetaurus]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/in_Jf5-hor5koMU

[@tulips3179]

The furry post was either written by someone who REALLY like homestuck, or literally written by Andrew hussie No normal person has ever written the word "japery" and has not been a homestuck

[@pannacottafUWUgo]

i'm glad people in the know agree with me. i actually started reading homestuck recently and i could instantly recognise that type of writing style

[@evelyntheidiot6]

thanks for your wisdom kanaya

[@anxietyprimev6983]

I mean, I use it pretty frequently and I just started reading because of this exact comment section, and so far I'm definitely having fun. I think it's more of a "using hussie-esqe vocabulary and liking homestuck are both symptoms of some sort of specific neurological anomaly" sort of thing. It takes a certain type of personality to find humor in absurd amounts of vibrant multicolored puppet ass.

[@HeyItsNovalee]

I’m crying cause as soon as I heard “japery” my mind went to undertale because of course Toby fox was a renowned homestuck

[@CyberLink70]

Either that or they heard the word from Undertale.

[@thetypingdragon]

There is so much to unpack in the warm milk post. It absolutely reeks of the ace discourse era and I can't quite decide if it was meant to be genuine (obviously plenty of ridiculous fake stories that are genuine exist) or if it was meant to be obviously fake to make other people look bad.

[@spuriusbrocoli4701]

The story isn't genuine. It's by crazy-acey-in-spacey, who made a whole slew of these pro-ace fake fake tumblr stories. But a lot of the tropes (anti-sex Puritanism disguised as ace-inclusion, invoking "queer elders" who are ace-inclusionists) are tropes common in the REAL ace-inclusionist tumblr fake stories. Only other big trope this one is missing is "asexuals at Pride" discourse. So crazy-acey-in-spacey is wrong & bad for making fake tumblr fake stories to invite harassment on ace-inclusionists. But genuine ace-inclusive discourse already had a lot of anti-sex homophobia in it such that cais didn't need to make the blog. And I'm apparently the real loser here for knowing the difference. I don't miss tumblr. -- Michael-Giuliana (they/them)

[@jadethenidoran]

It very strongly reeks of the latter

[@randomwhatever5403]

Yep, It was made by an aphobe on a troll blog that was made to make asexuals look bad (that was luckily eventually banned). It was really obivious, but no one cared because they hated asexuals so "yep this is representative of asexuals, they just love to make up shit to be oppressed" was just accepted as fact and spread everywhere, just like the other obviously made for propaganda fuel and copypasta stuff made for aphobia

[@iawesome222]

to read the words "are you a fucking reylo" in the year 2021 shook me to my core, thank you

[@WCKERBAST]

Look up Raylo

[@kairossmi1712]

Lmao same

[@FennecFool]

I feel like the way Charley's whole body rejects the word "tribe" passes the vibe check.

[@CharleyMarlowe]

Lol. I'm glad I passed

[@TheAdrift]

There’s also “He had tapped into that bottomless well of righteous umbrage SHUT UP! I HATE YOU!” 🤣 that’s another pass right there

[@Moonstar79]

@@CharleyMarlowe *gasp* the legend

[@titaniawallace4223]

the furry one is obviously horrendous but there is something seriously fucking tragic about a thirty-nine year old making up an "i am so smart and mature and this fictional child is so stupid and annoying" post in the year of our lord 2017. like they would have been too old to be posting that kind of stuff even during the old tumblr era- you lose your get out of cringe free pass at like 21 tops (btw by "tragic" i mean stupid. that person is stupid, i am cyberbullying them)

[@valentine.58]

especially when its about a stupid, unimportant online ship 😭 what is humanity?

[@on.ya.]

the led zeppelin one is so funny cause if a cashier at a music store is gonna say anything in response to a 14 year old buying led zeppelin stuff, its probably gonna be something along the lines of “its nice to see the younger generations appreciating this stuff”

[@nickrustyson8124]

Or if he was a ass, "Oh looky here, we got another one who think Led Zeppelin is the greatest band of all time, what did your failure of a father tell you they're cool, yeah go ask him why he still doesn't have a job" this may or may not be me venting. Fuck you

[@jayjayjayjay1067]

That warm milk story made my day, barista got that milk suspiciously quickly, "acegot" is a recognisable insult in the real world? "mr gay", screaming about having sex in a Starbucks, and my favourite part "my life is stranger than fiction". Gold

[@localidiot3471]

THANK YOU i thought i was the only one who noticed how fast the milk was ready,,, the most unrealistic part smh

[@Nepeta-Leijon]

it was made by an acephobe to make aces look bad

[@kkurova9345]

@@Nepeta-Leijon they did a great job

[@kbub1234]

I think mr. Gay is the best part of that story

[@ironwraith852]

I was gonna say that it doesn’t take that long to boil milk, but then I realized that steaming milk, and boiling milk would be completely different processes.

[@josephinegood1951]

i regularly order steamed milk at starbucks and every time i do i’m just so afraid someone is gonna mention/show any recognition of the warm milk post

[@floatingbooks4058]

(relatively) new " I like your shoelaces " dropped

[@alvedonaren]

Honestly I'd be more afraid of people doing steamed hams references.

[@eggplantwarden4338]

Genuine question, do you get the steamer with any flavoring (like vanilla or caramel) or is it just hot milk?

[@botanahazard6456]

I reccomend the flavor combo in steamed milk of berry syrups and caramel

[@catvicddlm1884]

Where I live Starbucks is kinda expensive, so it's a shocker to me the fact that people can order just milk.

[@dyseise]

I adore how everyone universally agrees that the furry story was 100% devised by a homestuck fan.

[@Nakia11798]

It's funny to me how much these people are alike and yet how much they seem to hate each other.

[@queencyrys6309]

a really racist one at that

[@NaskaRudd]

I am absolutely clueless about this corner of the internet. Why is everyone so sure they are a homestuck fan? Do they all talk in prose like this or something?

[@narratornavigatorstoryteller]

@@NaskaRudd yes, not to mention that there are a few words that are just. Undeniably homestuck.

[@NaskaRudd]

@@narratornavigatorstoryteller oh so is the homestuck series also written like this?

[@ryane3703]

My favourite thing about the fake homophobic stories is that the people writing them clearly have never experienced homophobia irl

[@randomwhatever5403]

Its often made by people pretending to be queer people making stuff up. Like the warm milk story was made by an aphobe to make asexuals look bad, which was a huge trend.

[@mallarielove]

i mean they definitely have. it’s everywhere. but not in the same ways. like strange said- it’s cathartic to play pretend as a marginalized person.

[@skootergirl22]

Or just watched a queer kiwi video

[@lilaboxx]

I feel like *some* of them might have some basis in reality but exaggerated as fuck... I've had a couple of people be wired and homophobic to me and my friends in public and with some of these situations I thought "this could be exaggerated into a tumblr fake story" (one time a group of guys looked my friends and me up and down and and one of them just went "HA, LGBT" and kept walking and im sure you could make a Tumblr fake story out of thus interaction)

[@erinys2]

none of the fake scenarios would ever happen ofc but it depends on where you live, if you live in a homophobic country and are a gay man people will literally pick fights with you in public

[@imalonerdottie]

That anti-furry post is a goddamn endurance test. If you can make it all the way through reading it without stopping and/or throwing up you’re superhuman.

[@Anna-ks3ct]

my skin has been breaking out since watching this video and I'm blaming the furry post tbh

[@noobiusmaximus6314]

It is the middle ground between Cat and Goblin, between fanfic and sexyman, and it lies between the pit of tumblr's depravity and the summit of its imagination. This is the dimension of fake stories. It is an area which we call the Bingus Zone.

[@scarletlarvesta]

Ya know what I think I love this

[@irradiated_woman8016]

This is a special comment.

[@tylercoon1791]

A realm not of sight, nor of sound, but of cringe

[@kat.r.archive1]

@Baby hell yeah dude

[@monkeyball3088]

would being born in the dashcon ballpit be technically like a baptism

[@Musicanimedork01]

A baptism of piss

[@bari_bari_bari]

It's a reverse baptism. It sends your soul directly to hell.

[@l.u.n.e]

@@bari_bari_bari see you in superhell you stupid fruit

[@MT-lk7qt]

NO. Immediately no.

[@mackedee9065]

I want you to know this gave me enough psychic damage damage to kill me in one shot. thank you

[@babbybobabs8701]

the idea of a GROWN ADULT writing one of these fake stories to promote "proshipping" is hilarious to me lol

[@TheAp397]

honestly yeah. im a proshipper but what kind of asshole posts an obouis lie that involves them being mean to a kid

[@roseyoung44]

Honestly, I'll never get over the whole "proshipper" and "antishipper" thing. I guess I could be called a proshipper, but the thought of calling myself that with pride, just makes me cringe. It's such a ridiculous debate that I tried really hard not to get involved in that shit when it went down. I can't imagine putting so much effort and time into trying to justify your shipping preferences.

[@lit3home]

@@roseyoung44I totally agree with you. The entire thing just seems quite overkill.

[@wysteria.]

​@@roseyoung44 hard agree, i side eye tf out of anyone who calls themselves either term because why on earth does it matter enough to you that you make it part of your online identity?? strange behaviour

[@emilydavis162]

@@wysteria.I mean, why does anything matter? Age, race, gender identity, hobbies, fandoms, all of it can still be left out.

[@JuMixBoox]

Okay, I thought I had seen insufferable, but the person who apparently ate a thesaurus to be pretentious and also tried to drag the Holocaust into that takes that to another level.

[@pietraceroni8656]

"You lose your weirdo points once you start calling yourself a weirdo" said Strange

[@mirandaa1464]

This comment reads like a Lemony Snicket work

[@queencyrys6309]

Jughead is a profoundly normal man

[@Mel-0n]

They don't know that his real name is strange aeons

[@Silvercanth]

@@queencyrys6309 Normal people don't wear crowns and binge eat cheeseburgers.

[@erikapavedtheway]

@@Silvercanth they're talking about Riverdale Jughead not Archie Comics Jughead

[@kateprice7417]

Him!!!!! Honestly the background is an upgrade. I don't even mind being so distracted

[@lukebi7440]

All praise bingus 🙏🙇‍♂️🙏

[@emo6577]

The bingus is growing up so fast! What a good little egg

[@spacecowboi5466]

is he old enough to be neutered? his binguses seem pretty big 😰

[@alicequeenofmadness9995]

@@lukebi7440 🙏

[@lukebi7440]

@@alicequeenofmadness9995 🙏

[@thebadshave503]

I always felt during the high era of these that a lot of them come from a place of comfort guilt. That a lot of users of the time were largely living safe lives, either comfortable remaining in the closet or supported by family if out and felt an overwhelming sense of guilt for never experiencing 'the struggle'. So they concoct elaborate stories about being both incredibly open about themselves and also 'winning' as a kind of self-soothing. Like the way people think they sound good singing in the shower.

[@grassbreads]

That "acegott" post absolutely reads like something a weird aphobe exclusionist discourser wrote to try and make aces look bad

[@Crow0567]

Yea thats just straight up what it is if you look into the OP, ew

[@TheBenjamin109]

You’re right on the money unfortunately. At least it’s hypothetically less embarrassing than it actually being real

[@sillytaki]

that is genuinely what happened yes

[@Spookatz.]

no everyday person would ever think that a word like "acegot" even means something

[@lieutenant_lucky_rocks]

That’s because it was! If I remember correctly, it was a blog called crazy-acey-in-spacey that was known for just straight up being an aphobic troll blog.

[@clownball3457]

i'm like 90% sure the warm milk story is an oppa homeless style situation, where op wrote it specifically to make ace people look bad. idk how to explain it, but it has that "strawman sjw" stank. also: the made up slur, the "villain" being a gay man, the bit about him "forcing his sexuality on a sex-repulsed ace person", etc. it all reeks specifically of people i saw a lot in instagram discourse circles, who were convinced ace people are all homophobic and "just straight people pretending to be oppressed". and their "proof" was like. three ancient tumblr screenshots they kept circulating and reposting. but they'd also try to aggressively gatekeep who did and didn't count as ace for some fcking reason. overall, not a good experience for a questioning ace. probably put me back a few years in coming to terms with my sexuality lol

[@randomwhatever5403]

Oh yeah so many of the fake asexual stories where clearly people pretending to be asexual people making up stories so the could use it as fuel for asexual hate and diminish the problems asexuals face by furthering the false narrative that they're just wanting to be victims. Maybe in hindsight its less clear but at the time in context the fact that these where made by aphobic people to be used as antiasexual copypastas was so obvious but people didn't care because they liked the confirmation bias

[@wishtopublish]

This is an old comment, but yes - this was 100% a thing that the shitty ace exclusionist crowd would do from 2015-2018ish. Searched up the original and the blog was infamous for posting bigoted things to make aces look bad, and everyone in the ace exclusionist groups thought it was HILARIOUS. I'm just glad the stupid discourse died down - it was hell.

[@randomwhatever5403]

But yeah, the more I think about it the more obvious the whole anti-asexual mock and make up shit about asexuality stuff was the main factor in me absolutely struggling denying and self hating that I was asexual for years. I totally was convinced asexuality wasn't real and people who identified as asexual were just attention seekers because of aphobe propaganda which included stuff like this but oddly I didn't know of this post at the time but I did know all the other popular stuff cited for use against aces.

[@pannacottafUWUgo]

god, that furry prose post was definitely written by a homestuck who idolised hussie

[@burnpygmalion39]

oh my god,,, ur so right

[@doodlebrain6594]

I’M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO GOT HOMESTUCK VIBES FROM THAT WRITING STYLE

[@nukiradio]

Can confirm

[@ARACHNIDPARTY]

NO YOU’RE SO RIGHT

[@kittykat4480]

I can’t believe they took Roses purposely bad writing style and then wrote the dumbest thing in existence

[@b1mbotank]

the dashcon baby one is my favourite bc it was a dual effort and that story wasn't the from op who basically started the rumor. wumblr made a post just plain lying and saying like "what happened to the dashcon baby," and that person came by with that story. wumblr later posted a meme with text from their gc that said essentially "i've finally started a rumor on tumblr about a dashcon ball pit baby and yahoo lost $97mil dollars,"

[@jordannall622]

The "...and then the class clapped" genre truly shaped younger millennials and elder gen Z

[@kitkatskye]

man this is the first time I've seen the "furry shitshow" post in years, and it's only just now hitting me how many dogwhistles (intentional or not) are peppered throughout it

[@dvdb304]

What is a dogwwhistle?

[@l.u.n.e]

@@dvdb304 ripped from Urban Dictionary coz its the only source i know that gave an example: Dog whistle is a type of strategy of communication that sends a message that the general population will take a certain meaning from, but a certain group that is "in the know" will take away the secret, intended message. Often involves code words. _"Republicans say they want to make civil rights for gays a state issue, which is really just a dog whistle strategy for saying that they will refuse to grant equal rights on a federal level"_

[@trash_irl3314]

the homestuck dave kin got out and went wild

[@iwakeupandboomimarat]

@@dvdb304 it can apply to any group, but its essentially a way to tell other people of that same group what you are without actually having to say it directly. it just gets used a lot when talking about neo nazis bc of the sheer amount of dogwhistles have

[@willowmarie218]

the furry post started off believable with the kids wearing tails every day (happened in my middle school) and then quickly spiraled downward from there

[@Kfroguar]

My school had a group of anime nerds who cosplayed a lot. They were lovely. Odd, but lovely. Made the teenage years much more bearable.

[@wolfkitty42]

Still happens in my school.

[@gray4061]

S t a l e s e m e n

[@kyliecrown533]

Yeah I could see some sophomores making fun of furries and after that gets worse and worse

[@michaeledwards6683]

so yeah, the story is actually true

[@R4yj4ck]

Dashcon baby: I was born in the ballpit. Molded by it. You merely adopted the ballpit.

[@emilybarclay8831]

My mother was a ball and my father was a plastic paddling pool. Get on my level

[@its_just_seb]

i think it's my inherent german duty to inform you all that Pelzignacht literally translates to furry night

[@baintreachas]

Is it furry night like night with hair or like night of furries

[@pattmahiney]

@@baintreachas I think German and English are so close that it's the same thing. Context definitely needed lmao..... Or is it? Cause anything with "furry" anywhere near it nowadays? Yeah, definitely not talking about just the hair hahahaha

[@pattmahiney]

Thank you, friend. I needed that, except I didn't, but I'll take it.

[@k1dv1c1ous]

​@@baintreachas it's furry night with furry being an adjective, but its not conhugated correctly so its not the night thats furry but it's more like a night about being furry

[@baintreachas]

@@k1dv1c1ous like "night of furriness"? declension mistakes i love

[@mahrinui18]

Unfortunately, the best teacher sass story at my high school never quite came to fruition. I had a kid in my class who had the audacity to tell our math teacher that he had been told about Ligma notation instead of Sigma notation, but unfortunately didn't have the guts to go through with the punchline.

[@jasonwalker4003]

a tragic hero. so much ambition, so much potential left undone

[@graciespaceycakes3714]

This happened to me too. I was wearing a sleeveless shirt that more than followed the dress code rules, 3 finger straps and no collarbones showing etc. because I had an awful sunburn. This admin looked at my burned arms and said "I hope you have a shirt to put on" in this snotty voice and I said "yes ma'am I have a shirt". Once she walked away I muttered "I'm wearing it". I do wish I'd had the guts to say it to her face because she was 100% the kind of adult who went into a career with children so she could bully them.

[@princessaria]

While the Led Zeppelin story smacks of fake teen cringe, I have encountered the most baffling condescension from older dudes gatekeeping. I was like 17-18? (It was a looong time ago lmao.) My mom had taken me to get a PC, as I needed something a little more powerful than the laptop I had (but couldn’t afford some incredible gaming PC, and building one from scratch was not as easy and accessible as it is now). We were asking the guy what the best option they had for a midrange pc that could handle games and that I could upgrade in the future and he was like “why? What games do you even play? You’ll be fine with a laptop if you want to play FarmVille.” And when I told him I was talking about RPGs and shit he kept pushing and trying to test my gamer cred. It was incredibly fucking weird, and it was the first time that I ever encountered that in person lol. I definitely would hear that shit online but it was kind of shocking how blatantly condescending and rude this guy was.

[@doubtful_seer]

Yeah, had some run ins myself, those guys are definitely out there.

[@elenagonzalez8463]

i experienced it with zelda pls

[@user-wh8qx1xi3k]

@insert name Honestly trying to mod minecraft taught me so much about computers. So much more than modding games like Skyrim which are the more “”serious”” games or whatever

[@Lewisiaisoutofcontext]

Yup, same here. I tried my best to mingle with a few friends of a friend at a party once and mentioned gaming, only to be completely railed with "HUH what? so what, you play, like, the sims?? Barbie?? lol" and when I told them I really enjoy horror games, especially psychological horror like Silent Hill, I was promptly told that all horror is useless crap. Later on, one of the guys were playing some piano tile game on his phone, and while playing Mozart's Turkish March he said something like "this is sooo hard its insane" while having to press all of four buttons... and me being a pianist kept eyeing the little keyboard in the corner of the room thinking "should I...?". I ultimately decided against it but oh man, wouldn't that have been the comeback of a lifetime.

[@Pinkbunniebabie]

I went to some metal/rock festival with my dad when I was 15 and an older dude stopped me and insisted on quizzing me about joy division because I was wearing their shirt… uH

[@alienjesus796]

The black parade one is semi believable because I had emo friends in middle school who would hella overreact to it. I can imagine you go into a hot topic and It's like 4 or 5 of those kinda kids haha

[@lilpetz500]

Teens do stuff like this, and emo ones are especially a bit dramatic, I could see the story maybe happening if everyone in the shop were a group of friends (including the attendant) with an in joke of loving this song.

[@randomwhatever5403]

Especially back in the emo hayday? Yeah this ones actually believable 🤷

[@GiantButterKnife]

I appreciate how the stories aren’t necessarily ranked on believability.

[@yourlocalcryptidd]

Me too, the absurdity is the best part and to rank it by believability would be a huge disservice

[@Hamaak]

As someone whose first language isn't english, the furry story was so difficult to understand holy crap

[@stellaandginger]

it's difficult to understand even with english as a first language, honestly

[@Homodemon]

Haha, just like Homestuck!

[@ohno-wi1vb]

It’s horrible writing. So needlessly wordy, when the entire story could probably be 3 sentences- 1) there were a group of furries in my sisters highschool, sometimes they got bullied. 2) as a result, one of them tried to bring a gun into school but was stopped 3) The bullying continued and someone tried to take the tail off of someone’s jeans but it actually was a buttplug. Somehow they wrote like 4 pages out of that

[@almostjay159]

Fucking entertaining to read though

[@honeyswann]

Same I couldn’t understand a single word

[@mathis3440]

As an asexual who lived through tumblr’s ace “discourse” era, I feel like the warm milk story is most likely written by a fake blog.

[@TheAdrift]

It is, and it was written by one of the more prominent ones too... It's a crazyaceyinspacey post.

[@itsafish3235]

Ace discourse??? Ehat

[@twinkletoes122]

Awesome damara pfp

[@wonderstuck-gg]

@@itsafish3235 People who don't experience something sometimes think those that do are attention seekers. Often ace people deal with "Of course you have sexual attraction you just haven't met the one" "You'll change your mind someday trust me you'll be enjoying it like the rest of us." Which both of these grossly misrepresent ace people. The first one would be treating them as Demisexual with "the one" as is hurting Ace and demi people with ace being represented as "one day you will" and erasing Demi from being a struggle because "you eventually found them." There's a lot of hate for Ace people especially by sexually proud people who feel as though Ace people are just prudes. People who are asexual can still have sex. They do not feel the urge or attraction to do so but they can decide to. That would be a sex positive ace who is just as Ace as the complete opposite who would be grossed out by the thought of sex.

[@saintsea-hat7891]

You can tell it’s a troll blog because “homophobic asexual Jesus-freak” seem like incompatible traits.

[@johnnye87]

@23:10 That is the most frustrating TLDR in the history of the abbreviation. Story took 8 full minutes to read and you summarised it in 3 lines without omitting a single detail!!

[@abadira]

The wildest part about dashcon baby is that the story came out YEARS after the event like... we would have known about it

[@Zreyta]

The worst thing about that furry story is that the more it goes on, the more I become absolutely certain that the writer was an homestuck fan

[@advicehydra6332]

Ngl the whole story can make a wattpad novel lol

[@hollisg8789]

No one else uses "rumpus" like that. Classic Homestuck tell.

[@woebegoneclown]

oh my god, it makes to much fucking sense

[@poopguy3458]

Literally EXACTLY what i was thinking too

[@epicthecandydragon6079]

How are they getting off calling furries lawless degenerates

[@alicev5496]

Good to know that lovecraft is still writing nowadays, albeit he now does it to bully furries

[@wingednotepad]

the absolute horrific sound this wrenched out of my throat godtier comment op

[@Dave-zv3lp]

Truly quite the redemption arc

[@katytui3746]

It’s revenge for them making fish people hot

[@raumarsene9910]

@@Dave-zv3lp nah

[@solarvide0s]

I mean the antisemitism checks out

[@sammosaurusrex]

That Italian-Jamaican-American busdriver is beautiful, I’m glad we have fake people like him in the world For real though, I really like the wholesome ones, even though they’re ridiculous and unbelievable they still give me a warm fuzzy feeling Edit: Aww, you got round to talking about it in your closing summary ❤

[@rachellucarz]

Charley doing Mario's accent instead of a Jamaican one had me genuinely laughing out loud

[@CharleyMarlowe]

Thank you ahaha. Now we can finally fire Chris Pratt, and I can star in a movie instead.

[@caitthecat]

@@CharleyMarlowe Excellent! Make sure you don't end up doing an Indian accent by the end of the movie😁

[@MT-lk7qt]

The Mario accent made it infinitely better

[@andrewharris8461]

Whenever I hear someone getting owned in a public confrontation I am going to start clapping so that if they try to post about it on social media no one will believe them

[@mallarielove]

they could just leave it out lol

[@hecknfrick4236]

Honestly I hate the amount of trolls posing as aces or aros to intentionally make us look freaky, irrational, and constantly talking about our identities. I was on tumblr during the hight of aspec discourse and I saw such a colorful community shrink and die because of the amount of heinous things done in hate of aspecs.

[@petrichorbones]

tumblr ace blogs are the only reason i have the ability to call myself ace bc before i had a tumblr i would have never known it was even a thing. i thought i was broken lol but yeah i deleted my original tumblr account bc of anonymous asks and i still would never consider myself lgbt bc of it haha idk if thats a consensus or not i've been told since then that ace is part of lgbt but it feels way too mean of me to call myself that bc of the things i was told back then so

[@0rbeez]

I’m so glad that during that time I was too busy playing animal crossing and Pokémon to be active on tumblr

[@ahhh4117]

@@petrichorbones I don't allow asks to be anonymous for this reason. These idiots can own up to it, or they can just be cowards

[@batsandbabydollsvods]

​@@petrichorbones In the real world, aces are overwhelmingly considered part of the lgbt community. I was scared to enter queer spaces for the same reason, but my experiences in real life queer spaces have been overwhelmingly positive.

[@RecRoomPlays]

Yeah, when it comes to "Bigot Destroyed!"-style Tumblr posts, I really recommend everyone go watch Sarah Z's video about Oppa Homeless Style, she goes into great detail about how SO MANY of those kinds of posts were literally just written by a single person who posted them constantly in order to portray "SJWs" as shrill, hysterical freaks, and I doubt that person was the only one doing it.

[@heilmodrhinnheimski]

For those who don’t know, I’m pretty sure “Pelzignacht” (German for “furry night”) is a direct reference to the Kristallnacht, a pogrom carried out by the Nazis in 1938.

[@hilariousactually]

So the person is 100% antisemitic then?

[@lukaluukaa]

there were a disturbing amount of holocaust references in just that one post

[@MsFeyCreature]

You're all goddamn heroes. Bingus for existing, Charley Marlowe for undergoing the soul-scouring misery of not only reading, but speaking aloud that awful furry story, and Strange for saying in the most unimpressed, matter of fact manner, "I mean, everyone's got blood." 10/10 never change.

[@CharleyMarlowe]

Awww you're a hero too!

[@ithinkflutterawesome6511]

The warm milk post went to an entirely different direction than what I thought it would.

[@casstheshifter2176]

same oml and as a demisexual lesbian i felt so offended on every level by it. barely anyone knows what ace people are?? no one's calling anyone an "acegott" lmfao

[@ithinkflutterawesome6511]

@@casstheshifter2176 I was prepared for the speaker to be vegan, but once the ace pin was mentioned it just kept going and I was like "oh, this is where we are taking this"

[@morinomajou]

This, like. Even if ‘aceggot’ was a thing people actually called us, why would a gay man be using it when it is clearly derived from the most infamous homophobic slur?

[@Tustin2121]

Mori no Majou - This. A thousand times this. As a gay man myself, I wanted to break something every time that made-up word appeared.

[@batsandbabydollsvods]

​@@casstheshifter2176 Genuinely! And honestly, it wreaks of aphobes making fake asexual accounts to make strawman arguments that "prove" aces are inherently homophobic and also trying to invent some imaginary oppression or w/e. like the "you just shoved the image of sex down a sex repulsed ace's throat" thing is not a thing anyone has ever said in earnest.

[@Lucifersfursona]

Every time I see bingus I want to pet him on his little forehead wrinkles I’ve pet Sphinx cats before they’re awesome. 12/10 weird to touch. They’re like soft like a baby 💀😂

[@Lucifersfursona]

How dare you make me remember the Led Zeppelin post I saw that in the WILD

[@Lucifersfursona]

Ciara single handed my stopped me from silling mykelf in the 1800s 😢🤗

[@Lucifersfursona]

DARKLY AND MAGNIFICENTLY TO POUT _shut up. I HATE YOU😂_ but I love you, narrator man

[@Lucifersfursona]

Where is my right to a flocculent appendage in this government

[@Lucifersfursona]

Lmfao strange and I on complete opposite ends of the warm milk furry Holocaust binary

[@cartoonhippie6610]

The furry high school story doesn't seem *that* unlikely to me, taking rumor into account. If it's based on real events, it was maybe more like: 1. There's a group of weird furry friends who wear tails to school (is that really unbelievable in a highschool?) 2. One of them gets bullied (at high school? Surely not! /s) 3. He makes a vague gun threat to seem tough, doesn't actually do it, but probably gets suspended (or maybe expelled) and rumors circulate that the furry brought a gun to school. Rumors about guns at school were a yearly occurrence when I was at high school. 4. After this, furries start getting harrassed more and someone makes up the buttplug rumor to humiliate one of them. It's not *that* out there, as far as fake stories go.

[@zeethenecromancer]

Yeah in the middle school I went to there was a kid who had a fox tail and ears in his backpack which he sometimes wore (And was bullied for it), 1 and 2 seem completely plausible. I think it's more the way the story was written that makes it so absurd (aside from the person who wrote it being, well, antisemitic)

[@novemberblake9505]

The “furry wears buttplug” rumor is a tale as old as time at this point. I won’t even believe it even if I see it myself irl

[@smitefulaxe1344]

I get I'm nine months late butI can confirm the furry story is very realistic. At my high school there was a group of three furries, a girl and two guys. They would wear weird clip on tails or ear-bands whenever they could get away with it. One of them did end up threatening to shoot up the school (I lived in the UK, so he was obviously just being edgy). I think the other boy (but it could have been the same one) literally tried to start gay sex in the locker rooms? (This might have been a rumor, but it was taken seriously enough he was called into the head teachers office. And the girl of the group actually became my gf. So yeah, most parts of the story are extremely credible.

[@indefinitestew6346]

There are girls at my highschool that wear tails, well I should say were because they were banned because girls were using them in nsfw ways

[@maxkordon]

I knew a furry who would wear buttplug tails, not sure they did at school because I really wasn’t excited to find out

[@rinokumura6615]

thank you for outright addressing that the furry story its actively trying to trigger jews. people love to use us as their metaphors, and treat us like we're not allowed to be hurt by that

[@CharleyMarlowe]

You're welcome. I am not white-passing, so being ethnically Jewish affects me every day. -the VA Teya hired to read the furry story

[@ollieno971]

@@CharleyMarlowe I loved your Mario voice for the bus driver lol

[@CharleyMarlowe]

@@ollieno971 Thank you!

[@galaxychill9578]

I am so sorry you had to go through that

[@salem-01]

@@CharleyMarlowe dude you’re awesome. I listened to the furry story only because you were reading it so well.

[@ellaebert9020]

i read most of these posts as screenshots on Pinterest, as i wasn't allowed to use tumblr (and i hadn't yet learned the greatness of lying to one's parents) watching this video absolutely sent me BACK, especially because i believed some of them, notably the first one, about the lesbians. it actually inspired me to come out in 6th grade

[@MarcellaSdeSSilva]

Ay yo and how did it go Also, _yeah, pinterest is pretty much my only way of interacting with Tumblr, glad someone else can relate_

[@purpleofpluto9694]

this is exactly my case!! I also believed literally all of them, how my 11 year old self was so naive.

[@charlottetigchelaar8993]

that's exactly what i used to do, i probably have the lesbian one saved deep in my pinterest boards from 2 years ago

[@Anna-ks3ct]

okay but that is actually so sweet?

[@rosieosho]

aww this is so pure

[@maruhelm9818]

Everyone I have a confession I believed like half of these at some point , I genuinely thought people in America were just that weird

[@dr00g35]

can't blame you

[@TheAdrift]

In fairness to you, it does take a pretty weird culture to think up this shit lol

[@yonicorn1641]

YEAH I THOUGHT KIDS REGURARLY JUST WROTE SHIT IN THE BATHROOMS WITH BLOOD OR THAT THEY COULD PUT WEED IN THE VENTS /in my defense my only source of info on american schools were movies where people would sneak in the vents and shit like that/

[@ghostcat11]

>let me tell you something mister gay that is the greatest line of any story ive ever heard

[@ladybirdg5658]

Her "well, everybody's got BLOOD" has such a cursed dismissive energy to it, I'm living

[@SiRenfield]

That sounds like something you’d see in Llamas with Hats 😂

[@torcaace]

And the girl's name: Khorne, the Blood God(dess)

[@noyes8882]

has ultrakill energy ngl

[@torcaace]

@@noyes8882 MANKIND IS DEAD BLOOD IS FUEL HELL IS FULL

[@thequeenofcringe1585]

@@torcaace blood for the blood god(dess)

[@hatemteirelbar9510]

But what you don't know is that his real name is Strange Aeons...

[@clownfern]

I didn't know he lived in Canada, United States!

[@kindaquit4823]

this joke isn't just run into the ground at this point

[@catsaregreat6314]

I forgot about this and thought she used he/him prns and felt like shit for misgendering them in the past-

[@hatemteirelbar9510]

@@kindaquit4823 this joke is actually a mole. It burrows.

[@Huhwhubwauh]

The furrie post just took YEARS off of my life. Crying, shaking, AND vomiting rn. Sliding down a wall even.

[@Fluff_Noodles]

Same. After listening to that story and I got a thousand yard stare and I had to pause the video to calm down and try to process. 😭

[@gagbag2232]

the way it went totally under the radar that the anti-furry rumpus post is written in homestuck prose is killing me

[@LL-ht2dd]

The milk post honestly sounds a lot like the very specific genre of post that was non aces making fake posts/blogs and pretending to be an insufferable asexual to encourage aphobia. I think Sarah Z talks about this in her Sherlock video of all videos if ur interested Edit: so the Sherlock video doesn’t really talk about it but her Oppa Homeless Style vid is essentially all about this fake post phenomenon lol

[@thaliapeters949]

it totally is. it's crazy-acey-in-spacey if that means anything to you

[@syd6964]

no because it literally is and everyone still likes to pretend that its genuine lmaooooo

[@SiRenfield]

Either “I HATE ASEXUALS AND ASEXUALITY” is 10/10 comedy gold

[@merchantarthurn]

it is. made me feel a bit sick to see it in this video without that context, i had to stop watching.

[@Snufkinion]

God....now I'm reminded of this one fake post someone wrote of when they went to some theatre production and how they kept making one of the HOT ACTORS laugh bc OP was wiggling their eyebrows or whatever and it ends with OP losing their virginity to said actor in his dressing room after the show. Sure OP, I totally believe you.

[@erinjkrizakk]

tumblr theatre kids were a different breed lmao

[@stephaniesheep1147]

What was the theatre production anyway? (Sorry for the late late reply)

[@mx.ollieoxenfree]

OMG I REMEMBER THIS ONE I THINK THEY HOOKED UP WITH HAMLET????

[@agenderfriend3337]

the warm milk ace one is so awful that is so clearly written by someone trying to make asexuals look stupid 😭

[@jimjam8246]

I deadass repressed my asexuality for years and that post was actually one of the reasons why 😭

[@Pinkwolfman]

A lot of people on tumblr did and probably are still bullying ace/aro people and it’s quite sad

[@data6022]

@Baby perfect for the ace post I'm so happy

[@crickett3536]

I hadn't heard this one before (blame my lack of Tumblr reading, lol), but I haven't ever been called out in public or anything beyond microaggressions. Most bigots generally don't understand we exist let alone have dumb slang for us.

[@Nakia11798]

@@jimjam8246 I repressed mine because every time I mentioned it at all, even on my own posts, I got harrassed by radfems.

[@hivacu96]

5:26 as someone who’s given birth, I’m cackling at the tv-logic behind thinking a birth would take 45 minutes from water breaking to baby exiting. Like, technically possible, but so so unlikely. When I tell people I was in labour for 4 hours they’re impressed by how fast it was (my mom was in labour with me for 17 hours, which is pretty average for a first baby)

[@hivacu96]

Also I’m going to time my second child so it’ll be born at dashcon 2. Do I still have time? Please offer me spicy snacks and other labor inducing foods if you see me there, let’s make the dream come true ✌️

[@elsybellsy754]

i’d recognize a crazy acey in spacey post anywhere, i feel like they made all popular fake ace stories on tumblr

[@somedude172]

i sure hope so. im just now learning of this user and i am terrified to think that there is not only one, but multiple people *this* obsessed with ace folks.... ill admit i fell into the ace exclusionary BS at one point in time, but i cant imagine being so into it that you intentionally make an entire fake story to """prove""" your point. especially to have a whole account solely about that?? genuinely scary, even to someone like me who is definitely not ace i hope that acey spacey person is in therapy or something now, it sounds like they really need it....

[@maddodeuil3342]

Did they also write the story about an ace girl coming out to her gay dads as ace and they shame her and tell her she's not LGBT?

[@ZombieFighter95]

i love the warm milk story says "i'm used to it" as if anyone has ever used the word aceggot before. i don't wanna downplay aphobia, but that's definitely the first mention and probably only mention of the word aceggot.

[@antiarmadillosociety]

I checked, literally nobody ever used that word before that post was made.

[@genericname2747]

Dude just made up a whole new slur

[@little_dingus]

Apparently there was a lot of blogs dedicated to making fun of ace people by pretending to be them, and the warm milk post was made by one of those blogs

[@Iotuseater]

@@ablancer3582 see the comment above yours

[@gracesnyder9785]

that anti-furry post was so hard to get through. the writer was so pretentious and used so many big words to make themselves seem smarter. also the dogwhistles and blatant references to n*zi rhetoric and the holocaust....yikes yikes yikes. willing to bet that this person turned out to have alt right tendencies or was hanging around in alt right spaces at the time

[@Nakia11798]

I stayed far away from furry tumblr, so I never even saw that post until just now

[@xanderguyer7512]

Honestly, dropping in "degenerates" actived my fight AND flight

[@k80_]

“tribe” “degenerate” “sh*ah” yikes yikes yikes

[@ErisIsAnAbomination]

Not even exaggerating, the whole thing read so strongly like a 4Chan manifesto that I almost expected it to end with OP telling the students of Tumblr Story High to not come to class the next day.

[@FloreyXE]

The furry story increased my vocabulary by 80%