Reasons Narcissistic and Toxic Parents Don’t Love Their Children

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Over my 45 years of practice, I’ve worked with countless clients who’ve felt trapped in a cycle of seeking love and approval from narcissistic, toxic, or neglectful parents.
They came to me burdened by guilt, shame, and confusion, wondering why the parent-child bond they longed for was filled with manipulation, control, and conditional affection instead of love and trust.
If you’ve grown up with narcissistic parents or experienced narcissistic abuse, you know this struggle all too well.
The bond that should have nurtured you often becomes a source of pain.
But here’s the truth: their inability to love is not your fault.
It stems from their own insecurities, emotional wounds, and intergenerational trauma.
In this video, I’ll help you understand:
✅ Why It’s Not Your Fault: Their behavior comes from their emotional wounds-not your worth.
✅ The Tactics Narcissistic Parents Use: Favoritism, conditional love, sabotaging your individuality, and prioritizing appearances over real emotional connection.
✅ How to Heal from Toxic Parents: Let go of seeking their approval, embrace self-differentiation, and give yourself the love they couldn’t provide.
Healing doesn’t mean excusing their behavior; it means reclaiming your life. Whether you’ve dealt with toxic family dynamics, neglectful parenting, or narcissistic abuse, it’s time to focus on YOU-not their expectations, not their manipulation, but your self-worth and happiness.
This is your chance to take back control, break free from harmful family patterns, and start the journey toward emotional freedom.
Here’s How I Can Help You Heal:
🆓 FREE TRAINING: Build the Real Self You Were Never Allowed to Have
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About Jerry Wise:
I’m Jerry Wise, a family systems coach with over 45 years of experience helping individuals break free from toxic family dynamics. My approach to self-differentiation empowers you to let go of the guilt, shame, and emotional entanglements that have held you back. If you’re ready to heal, I’m here to guide you every step of the way.
DISCLAIMER:
This video is not a substitute for professional counseling. Always consult a licensed professional for personalized support.

[@jerrywise]

Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇 Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027 'Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their lives! www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self

[@corporaterobotslave400]

They never learned to love themselves; therefore, they have no love in their tank. Empty. Which is why they have to prey on your emotions: get a toxic reaction from you, to feel something.

[@starlingswallow]

Well said!!

[@ReeseFlynn8mmun]

One of the most heart breaking things to realize after 45 years I'm 57 now, is raising your children the best thing I've ever done in my life, is that my own mother hated my guts, the best day of my life was when she passed away 6 years ago, I had already went no contact with all her family and my siblings years before that, but as soon as she passed I was free all the toxic crap just stopped, all though it's hard I try to remember the few good things about her, very few things.

[@Daysleeper1000]

I keep reminding my sister that when our mom dies all the pain will leave. She's 87. And she's just pure nastiness.

[@CraftingArtandSoul]

​@@Daysleeper1000 My Mother just turned 87 as well 11 days ago. Ive been grieving for the mother I deserved, for my entire adult life. It will be easier I think when she's no longer around to taunt me and stir up trouble with me and my siblings. Ive cut off contact for the last time. She still tries to get to me through other family (includingmy husband) and mutual people. It disgusts me. And yes, triggers me .

[@Daysleeper1000]

@@CraftingArtandSoul It's scary how these heinous "mothers" are everywhere. I 💯 understand your pain. They want to try to turn the men in our lives against us. Our husbands and sons and fathers. There's only room for one woman entitled to everything, and that's "mom". I hope you stay centered, and surround yourself with safe people. 🙏

[@jpk9902]

Envy of the child's potential. Projects insecurities onto their children. With parents like these...

[@YoungSage313]

Who needs a enemy…..

[@VenusianLissette]

yes!!! thank you!!! *like whats wrong with these people? not even being funny bc wtf* you can't build anything with someone that deeply broken, good Lord.

[@caroleminke6116]

Fear rage envy then revenge & denial on a sadistic loop meant to destroy you

[@caroleminke6116]

You need to understand the origins of Cluster B disorders

[@torontogrove5396]

I never realized this until my 40s that my parents sabotaged me my entire life.

[@ladyinwaiting7898]

Focusing on the family image rings all too true. When I told my mother that her father made me uncomfortable with the way he touched me, she went into a meltdown begging me to not say anything to anyone. It would be embarrassing and hurt his feelings. Years later I learned that there was generational SA with the men on my grandfather's side of the family.

[@amyrussell860]

My parents didn't show affection period. And bragged that I wasn't spoiled since I was the baby of the family. I'll leave it at that.

[@CkretSkwerl]

That is EXACTLY the environment I grew up in with a narcissistic mother

[@DHW256]

Same here. She was "Miss Information, the Queen of Envy", a top expert at misconstruing everything I ever said or did in order to use it against me, and to make her look like a victim. Lifelong, absolutely absurd behavior affecting everyone she encountered. Whenever her name was brought up among cousins (who knew her before I was born), there was a collective reflex they exhibited, as if watching someone step on broken glass.

[@DHW256]

Amazing insight, Jerry. Thank you. At 46, I walked away from our mother and christened her "Miss Information, the Queen of Envy". Everything I said or did was misconstrued and used against me, every failure, every triumph, every opportunity. She was the most envious, most difficult person I've ever encountered. I'm so thankful for the blessing my wife has been the 30 years we've been together, a truly warm, unselfish, compassionate, loving woman.

[@bridgettetraveler658]

Wow! U really knew my fam! No one wanted me to obtain independence. I'm the youngest & most of my family wanted me stuck & dependent on them. Once I moved out of my parents house I felt like id rather sleep on thr yellow lines in the street than to spend another night in that house!!!

[@carmenm.9522]

I can relate.

[@terranceharrington3209]

thank you I am so stuck in this crappy fam with a nc father who uses everyone around him as his monkeys - I am so sick of it - and I am very old still ...taking off him. I need to make a decision like you - right now --- much appreciated

[@jaclynmarie5747]

My husband’s parents want to reconcile after 2 years of peaceful no contact. The relationship was not being accepted for being ourselves, judging and disapproving of us. We weren’t good enough. Pitting husband against wife and going between the kids and me as their Mum, lying. It nearly would’ve led to me leaving my husband, until he took it seriously and watched your videos! He agrees he would not want them treating our kids how they treated us. I haven’t healed yet. Nor do I want to be close with ppl who are willing to treat us this way

[@shellysawchuk1190]

My parents had strings on everything

[@SunnyDays70s]

Mine too.

[@pebblebrookbooks4852]

Same.

[@bethmoore7722]

I’ll bet they were often not just strings, but hooks. “Love” always comes with conditions they know will be difficult, even painful, to meet. Cruel and Machiavellian, many of our parents won the trifecta, exhibiting all the behaviors of the Dark Triad.

[@AlexanderBaar-zp4px]

My parents are totally transactional.

[@RetroGamingLite]

Like a puppeteer.

[@francine997]

I did a lot of Shadow Work and dissociated myself from my Narcissistic mother. It took me years of Shadow Work. You are so right! Blessings! ❤

[@RetroGamingLite]

Well done Francine.

[@NightsideOfParadise]

Well done. I hope you have congratulated yourself and celebrated your achievement?

[@Aoife1955]

Thank you from the scapegoat of my family. This really helps.

[@jerrywise]

You’re very welcome, thank you for watching!

[@arooraccoon]

My mom has an image of me in her head that she will believe over anything I do or say and she will lash out when I don't line up with that image. I believe she "loves" that imaginary person she made up in her head but that is actually just her loving herself, the real me is someone she is incapable of knowing or loving.

[@seriouscat2231]

I can second that. Additionally, she may think she is doing you a favor, even an act of love and encouragement by holding up that image to you, implying that of course you would rather be the image than what you actually are.

[@marybethray9481]

Same

[@saleenapiano]

ditto! i hear you! same experience. you took the words out of my mouth. she "loves" the imaginery person, not me

[@AlexanderBaar-zp4px]

My parents "say" they love me all the time. But show favoritism to everyone else in the family.

[@caroleminke6116]

That just creates cognitive dissonance & keeps the trauma bond strong

[@patriciahernandez4169]

Thanks Jerry I really needed this today. I was the scapegoat in the family and went no contact with my entire family almost three years ago for my sanity, the sake of my marriage and to protect my 4 children from toxicity. I was feeling down today and this made my feel back on track. I wish I had a relative like you. Your videos help more than you know.❤

[@Bronte866]

4 children when you were so abused?

[@SuzyBee-zs9hb]

⁠​⁠@@Bronte866and what’s wrong with that? Those 4 children are obviously very loved if their mother has gone no contact with her birth ”family” to do everything she can to not let them get drawn into the toxic system. No contact is so hard to do, I’m sure she wouldn’t have made that decision lightly.

[@caroleminke6116]

Check out Jay Reid plz for the best scapegoat videos on KZbin

[@lipstickprincess1]

Jerry, it’s like you can see my childhood through a magic ball. You nailed so many points that it is almost painful. I’ve said this a million times, but I can’t thank you enough for validating and healing the masses 🙏🏼🙏🏼

[@floridagirl6686]

As a child when this neglect or abuse happened, we/I missed that foundation in our little lives. Now, in our big life it can feel scary to feel like we don't have that foundation of support within. (I thought I already did this work, but this last year opened it all up again for me.) I remember, as a child, looking at other kids/families and noticing the difference but not understanding that perspective I was seeing. I was seeing it. I must have had some kind of intelligence. But it was a lonely little world. (this is a stream of consciousness . . . ) Somehow I pieced together a life despite all the insults from a mom, who I understand now, didn't know how to love me. I'm old enough to remember the phrase "generation gap" - somehow my mom decided that could apply to her relationship with me, and it was her excuse for not having a relationship with me. I must have been about 12. I did grow up quickly. Left home at 18 and got married. Lots of bumps in the road of life, because I really wasn't a differentiated person. However I did have children that I loved/love to the moon. I knew I wasn't going to repeat that terrible garbage. In their old age, just the last few years, I did take care of my parents, and the last year as they became very sickly and passed away, many of the same sad scenes repeated, with insults and contempt for me - no filter with dementia playing in the picture. I am right now grieving so much. It feels so complicated. I don't want to dwell on the past, but it feels like book ends - what happened to me as a small child, and what happened this last year. I feel like it have to take time for the realization that i didn't imagine it as a child, but I don't want to take that time reliving it.

[@3amnightmares]

I emailed my narcissistic mother a 2 page email detailing out how she has hurt my daughter and husband by showing more attention to my other family members in another city, and pushing them to the side, telling her I want to go our separate ways and the response I got back was how I hurt her, how we were never close and how i am showing my true colors ( WTF??? ). She has always been very hard to talk to and I never have felt close to her or a connection. I had to move on with my life,

[@jds6964]

I wish that I knew about this decades ago. I am now 60 years old and only in the last year did I finally figure out that my mother has never really loved or supported my two older sisters. For me she only gives me conditional love based on the fact that she wants me to remain an ignorant and stupid little boy that she can easily manipulate and control. If I go against what she wants me to be then I need to feel ashamed if that causes my mom any issues. From now on I only plan on calling her on Christmas and her birthday. If I make any trips to Hawaii, I will definetely not be staying at her house.

[@caroleminke6116]

Be careful of low contact because she’s going to use that against you too

[@drsarita-questioneverythin3194]

If I excelled at something often my mother would often feel sad …instead of being happy with me she competed with me …it has taken me decades to realize that how she sees me is not an accurate reflection of who I was as a child and who I am now - I have given up trying to earn their love as it is never going to happen…but still devastating and tough wound ..I don’t want to pass along this dysfunction and can only do my own work

[@caroleminke6116]

💔❤️‍🩹♥️ me 2

[@dandoneral5405]

I could spend all day making positive comments about this video. It"s nice to have someone that clarifies so much, so simply and briefly. One comment that I will make is that my father insisted on using me either as "bragging stock" or as "sympathy stock". He thought that I was betraying him if I did not serve him well as "bragging stock".

[@joseenoel8093]

Happiness shared is happiness doubled! I challenge myself to be generous to my kids and others, no strings attached, what's the big deal? There is none!😊

[@user-nf79]

❤🙌🙌🕊️🙌🙌❤️

[@aquacommelina]

My parents both are narcissistic. They divorced when I was eleven. They are both remarried. Listening to you, my parents click all of the boxes. Thankfully, I have separated myself from both of them. They are elderly now.

[@caroleminke6116]

I’m from the same background but it’s never over till it’s over & beware of their wills at the end because they will get even more transactional then cut you out to punish your efforts anyway

[@misterwait806]

#6, envy, not jealousy. Jealous means guarding what is yours, while envy means wanting what is anothers.

[@RetroGamingLite]

This makes so much sense.

[@seriouscat2231]

I love it that someone knows this distinction.

[@artandculture5262]

That’s interesting. I’ve thought that she disregarded me so much that there was no way it was jealousy when people would say it was jealousy. I’ll have to think about envy. It’s extreme whatever the correct word is.

[@caroleminke6116]

Darren Magee explains how it’s both on his site because I asked him the same thing… fear rage envy revenge then denial is the usual loop

[@LouiseHannas]

That thing you say about self love if you don’t have a self is so true. It struck me that I don’t have a self after growing up with narcissistic parents.

[@khanom3033]

I am so glad to found your channel very helpful, eye-opening and straight forward 💗 I grew up as the favourite child from my BPD/NPD only becaus I possess some traits to show of and I provided supply... When he showed strangers how ca caring father he is (but behind doors..) it always was so weird Very confusing. All the gaslighting since a little child was so damaging... with 18 y.o I believed I was worthless and I couldn't even imagine a man ever truly loving me... I for real thought my boyfriend has TO DISLIKE me... Someone who loves you has to think negativly of you lol Or FIGHTS are a must in relationships... I am 24 now and finally healing, still deal with BPD but I managed the severe CPTSD and depression. If we have empathy and compassion we can all heal... The narcissist not. So so confusing and damaging feeling all alone and they are so many of us outthere 😔 and narcissistic abuse is a SPECIAL kind of abuse... I come from Europe, not everone can understand what kind of abuse it is actually..

[@AGameCharacter]

The lack of love from a narcissist doesn’t come from their trauma of being unloved(although in some cases is true due to circumstances), but rather, from a personal choice of operating in injustice because that’s the shortest way of getting things done. It’s like robbing a bank vs working in a bank…it is faster to get money by robbing instead of studying and working systematically to sow into the business of banking. The fast way has consequences and the long way does not. My mother had a very loving and godly mother…a true saint, but my mother chose to be wicked and use the righteousness of her mother to cover up her own wickedness, instead of being righteous like her mother.

[@seriouscat2231]

I think my mother changed when she almost died of pneumonia, while her brother and the girl next door actually did die. I am not sure how it actually went, but I think she swore some kind of an unspoken oath that cut her off from people and practically made her a main character adventuring through life she almost didn't have. My father has an effectively similar story. My mother is the dominant figure, but they are two sworn victims, and neither includes the other, or anyone else for that matter, in their inner circle.

[@munkami]

What things is a Narc wanting to get done through manipulation of their children? Do you suggest that manipulation of their children helps them get things done by getting their children to do it?

[@seriouscat2231]

@@munkami, I think it's about achieving an ego ideal. Everything else is secondary. You must be a person that confirms to them that they are what they want to be, even if none of that was true.

[@munkami]

@@seriouscat2231 Thanks, that makes sense. But it still wouldn't make obsolete the core motivation for taking the short route to get one's needs met. In other words, why would someone take the short route to get their ego needs met? I don't believe in 'evil' people, I believe in psychologically and mentally damaged humans. I think too many of us give narcissists too much credit for, frankly, being more intelligent or mature than they can ever be. Narcissism is a developmental disorder which means their sense of self has been warped by trauma, usually. So, as survivors we must hold two conflicting ideas at the same time aka cognitive dissonance - the narc parent IS a victim AND an abuser. So they require SOME sympathy and LOTS OF accountability. They need to be parented like a child - that is the only way to survive it.

[@chellotrevino7323]

@@munkami it does , PSYCOPATHS GET THINGS DONE by instilling fear it’s the truth wether u like it or NOT😂

[@falictyelliott8752]

I apologise Jerry, I just can't deal with this emotion right now, I will come back to this a little later today. As always, thank you for your truly helpful information.

[@tiffinyboulet8694]

I swear, you must know my mother! I've gone low contact, and honestly, except for the guilt (bc she's an 80 yo lonely old lady) it's been the best time. I want to do your class--just need to set aside the time--and get therapy. Thank you for being there! You have given me so much peace! (I've shared your videos with my brother)

[@SunnyDays70s]

That pretty much sums it up! I have broken free and learn to raise my children in a whole new healthy way. Thanks be to God.

[@persasrho4799]

My (40 years older) mother got jealous of the fact that I went to college, so turned it into a competition. She'd take the same classes I took and berate the instructor if they'd given me a good grade. And that was just one thing out of many she pulled on me. I had no idea what was going on until I was 50 something, and couldn't get away from her or the toxic siblings (I tried many times) b/c I was chronically ill. I'm certain that was the result of dealing with them.

[@sixtysense]

My FOO exactly. The more rage, hidings and punishment, the 'better' parents they were. There was nothing that couldn't be beaten out of me. Thank you for an insightful and validating video 🌱

[@paulineklostermann5877]

They treat their children realey bad, i saw many tears ,a lot of yelling, screaming, gaslichting, punishment. I left the famely I had enough of the abuse, i am grandmother and was the scapegoat.

[@LisaSmith-yb2uz]

The painful truth in this video is really stirring up some more stuff i thought I had already worked through 🥺😑 this differentiation work is never ending 😚😌❣️

[@CinHalCedHerChance]

Being older (43) feels like it's too late and even more so in this world where sadly there is tension and distrust everywhere. Sometimes I wish I never started to get therapy years ago, because it opened up a can of worms and a world of hate and self hate (for not seeing things better and doing something about it). When you hear "no one said life was fair" they were so right.

[@charlotteinfj4412]

41 YO here. Oh no, don't despair. Even though I am like you and I understand. I was bombarbed with statement like this "life isn't fair" growing up. It was an excuse to scapegoat me and to teach me not to fight back. Sometimes I look back at the way I was treated and I am fuming with anger or at loss, desperate. Life isn't fair so we must be, especially to ourselves.

[@gointothedogs4634]

My best wishes for your recovery from this toxicity. I didn't even begin understanding narcissism till I was your age and not until my mid 50's and beyond did I realize it was both my parents. Now at 74 I've become a completely different person, even confronted my golden child sister who is finally changing her attitude towards me after all these years. Seeing these videos appear on my feed have revealed there's more to let go of. It's NEVER too late but how we perceive it is our choice. One of my favorite coffee mugs says, "A wise girl once said, Let this shit go." I too need the reminder. God bless you.💕

[@seriouscat2231]

I'm a man about your age. The big thing to realize about my parents I learned when studying Eric Berne's stuff is that almost none of what they said made any sense or meant anything. Everything's been just the expressions of their confused emotional states in any given moment. So, at least in my case, all self-blame and self-hate would be based on an illusion. And since I have no clue who exactly I would have wanted to marry, impress, befriend or work for, I have a hard time deciding if I should be sad or not. I am trying to wrap my head around the idea that I would have been a completely different person.

[@CinHalCedHerChance]

@@seriouscat2231 That last part resonates for me as well. I guess it's the Butterfly Effect, had they been even 50% better parents, then the course of all of our histories would have to be different. ....aaaand it's that kind of cyclical thinking that drives one crazy. If you allow yourself to think like that constantly. Which I and no doubt many others do.

[@Lilyxiia]

So much applies to my growing up. It is good to come to realize and see the causes and effects. The root cause that has branched out to be my totally nonfunctional disaster of a life. Thank you Jerry Wise for sharing your knowledge. It has been like finding a needle in a haystack that I could never find-before finding your videos-to find any counselor or anything that could help at all. To now find identification, understanding, and that there is a way to help myself is life changing. Though I see it will take quite a while to come out from under all this, there is light further up in the tunnel. Again thank you.

[@djdiniya]

Spot on another great outline Dr.Wise ❤

[@CoolClik-hg7cr]

I just listened to your video narcissistic parents can never love . I finally realized I need to be my own parent ,so I can continue to grow into the person I need to become my true self... Thanks Gerry needed these words of the wise...

[@succesid]

Thank you, Jerry Wise. Outside reputation. I have to let that sink in. Click, click, click, like a movie of experiences appearing in my inner eyes. Thanks for naming that.

[@deconstructing7307]

I love this new format! Thank you so much!

[@gointothedogs4634]

After one of our phone conversations when I was in my late 40's, I heard my mother shout at me over the phone, "My God! This kid really thinks we don't love her!" I was more shocked than she appeared to be. How could I, after years being told I was a monkey on her back, would never amount to anything, she should have had an abortion pregnant with me, trying to influence my boss against me and ruin my job, bad mouthing me to the relatives and people at church, and setting me up in situations where I literally could be killed. Doesn't make sense but she's gone now. Years later a psychic told me she said, 'all is forgiven." Well maybe for her but we still have to live with the damage she and my father left behind. I've done a lot of work with this. Not sure it's helpful for me to begin rehashing it all over.

[@cindylong624]

Narcs will say outlandish and cruel things to tear you down, to be the emotional punching bag.Totally wrong to do that to anyone ,much less a child.Processing trauma is not rehashing the past.For me ,my narc parents should have never had children ,they were not emotionally suited.They could not do any self reflection and admit it. Both are gone,and I don't miss them

[@meganleffingwell3437]

I had started learning psychology 2 - 3 years ago to help me learn about myself and try healing, and that combined with Jerry's channel and my boyfriend's help I feel so much better! ❤ My mom Hated that I was studying psychology because I think it triggered something in her , even when she was in school she said she hated that subject

[@elizabethmadron1336]

She hates that you are educating yourself. Keep it up. Knowledge is power.

[@seriouscat2231]

Once, when visiting my parents, I had read John Steiner's Psychic Retreats and while drinking coffee I remarked that the Oedipal complex is actually about a mother marrying her unwitting son. The book dedicates two chapters to the myth. She ran out of the kitchen, horrified, and was seriously offended even some time after. The thing they object to is, I think, what I learned from reading Fonagy's therapy manual fourteen years ago, called a science of mind. The awareness that other people have thoughts and are also aware of them thinking or not thinking. They prefer a world where all their feelings and impulses are absolutely justified, and a science of mind as a concept shatters that.

[@seriouscat2231]

Also, an idea I wanted to illustrate by that anecdote is that they have no filter between what they think and what they feel. So the moment she heard the idea, she could not just entertain it as such, but had to feel it, which made her feel exposed and accused, whether there was any reason or not. Similarly they sometimes confuse potential with actual. I may have shown some promise in my failing engineering studies, but to her I've been a superb engineer right there, right now.

[@elizabethmadron1336]

@seriouscat2231 your mother was also feeding on the fact that you would be an engineer. Maybe she had bragged to friends about your future. Narcs like to live through you. Did she go to college?

[@seriouscat2231]

@@elizabethmadron1336, she has a master's degree. Haven't come across much bragging, but would not say there has been none. I think she's projecting some kind of fantasy onto me, where I could borrow her main character quality and become an instant success, but sadly I keep rejecting it. It's a form of idealization. There is nothing cynical or calculated in it. She is not a stereotypical narcissist in this sense. It's more about a denial of reality where even moderate success often must be earned.

[@TR-lk4ik]

Not my family.,my siblings and I had to conform to her way or the highway…I wasn’t like her as a kid so I was criticized “you’re not like me or my side of the family, you’re just like your father 😢so hurtful back then…

[@ivonkwAn6443]

Yes,THANK YOU. The destructive aura of a narcissist spreads more and more if we do not deal with it by separating from it forever. However, processing it is only possible while educating ourselves and our children (this is the most difficult part of the whole war)🤕 If we want to teach respect for other people and empathy... we must also teach how to set boundaries with a person who should naturally protect and love his or her child.

[@wendyandfriends]

Absolutely Right on Target with my family's system. Holy cow, so right on!! Thank you for elucidating all of this. 😢❤

[@falictyelliott8752]

I am living with and looking after, my narcissistic mother. 7 mnths ago my beloved sister (who was more like a mum to me than my birth "mother") died very quickly. My brother, the golden boy, may as well be dead to me, my beautiful father died 3 mnths ago. On my 5th birthday, I was molested by a neighbour friend of my parents. I ran to tell my father but he had taken my sister and brother to the swimming pool, so I had to bite the bullet and tell my mother. I went to the kitchen to find her, she stood with 1 hand on the bench and the other holding a glass of wine ( it was 10 am) the usual. I mustered the courage to tell her. She then belted me, told me it was my fault, I deserved what happened to me and I brought it on myself because I was a bad girl. Then she threw me in my room (she was always a very large woman, @ up to 20 stone, now 40 kg) now I can't believe I'm looking after her, at the cost of my own health, life AND SANITY. I can't stand her, I have to find a way to STOP FEELING GUILTY FOR HATING HER

[@angelsone111]

I am sorry you went through this and now are taking care of her feeling guilt and obligation. I understand that trauma bond and the guilt felt for wanting to take care of self without exposing self to more of the same. In my situation I realized I was trauma bonded and toxic guilt kept me tethered. Over time I broke that bond and replaced my own image in the place of the narcissist’s image in my head. As adults we don’t owe anyone anything accept ourselves. It sounds like you are aware and will find a way out even if it’s to help her find another caregiving source. I realized I could never win their love or approval only their hate and resentment. Best wishes for a workable solution that honors your needs while she has hers attended to by others.

[@firefly4704]

No you have to stop taking care of her. You have to break the trauma bond.

[@falictyelliott8752]

@@angelsone111 , thank you for your supportive and positive energy. 😇 I have taken a large step forward in organising nursing home care, or similar. I know this will help immensely. 🦋☮

[@falictyelliott8752]

@@firefly4704, you are right. I didn't want to admit it to myself (cos if the guilt) now, my niece, who is a highly qualified nurse, has also helped me to see sense and is even helping me to arrange the nursing home (or similar) for mum, then I can get on with me.😊🦋🌼

[@yvonne3903]

First stop feeling responsible for her, she's not your responsibility, you are your responsibility. When you stop feeling responsible for her you will gradually move away from the hate towards feeling sorry for her situation but only after you put your own needs first.

[@relaxhealfeel1454]

Thank you for your great work Jerry Wise ❤

[@Carl2112]

Jerry thank you so much for these wonderful videos!

[@MissEarthSoul]

Dear Jerry, Today I saw for the first time your podcast and presentation. And Jerry anything you said is exactly what I have experienced with my parents and sibling. 🎉 Thank you so much 🙏♥️💜

[@GarrettR21]

As the scapegoat and a pawn for custody money I can confirm this is exactly what it was like for me. This explains many of the fundamental dynamics being at odds between love and narcissism. It’s pretty exhausting putting up with the lie they tell themselves, that they love us, in order to not face the monster beneath. Thankfully putting up with it all is a choice for us now, going no contact for almost a year now feels good. Thanks Jerry, great video as always.

[@caroleminke6116]

Stay no contact plz

[@dll7658]

Listening through this was actually quite painful. But it helps. It helps a lot, too.

[@munkami]

Absolutely the best and most comprehensive video I've seen from you Jerry

[@sv-yh3mq]

So good, I had to take notes! Thank you Mr. Wise !

[@fredworthmn]

I’m as bad as you describe. But I wouldn’t hurt or hate my children so I had to be a fake person. I tried to act like I loved them and hopefully the intent came across. I was not pretending I loved them. I had no idea how to access my true love for anyone nor how to express it. I broke the cycle of hatred and rage as motivation and parenting, but I could give nothing more. I did the best I could but I’m sure it wasn’t enough. I did change one more action. Instead of an automatic “no” I would say “probably. Let me check with the calendar and your mother”. At least I tried.

[@seriouscat2231]

Love is defined in medieval and Aristotelean philosophy as a passive enjoyment of a presence of a thing or a person. And things are always loved in terms of something, never purely as they are. Only exception to this being God. So an attempt to love something is not a search for a feeling, but a search for the right terms. But I understand that I am late, this would have been difficult in any case, and is definitely not in general knowledge anymore.

[@amyberneking6306]

Your unconditional Love to share eye-opening and insightful wisdom always exceeds to be worthy and beneficial in so many ways... Thank you, kindly, deeply, and BEaUtifully!! Namaste 💖

[@venustilgus8659]

Thank you. Very good explanation 👏🏻

[@kareemmohammed5270]

very painful, resonates, much appreciated for your insights as always Jerry.

[@nathansmith-nd9nq]

Thank Jerry , so insightful,

[@messogio66]

so true, thank you

[@pam8056]

"Don't" is the accurate word

[@juliebenei6545]

You are spot on Jerry

[@cnoor30]

If I am not loved by them it does not reflect on me

[@rationalmindriot7762]

always great stuff from you Jerry, this scapegoat thanks you for your dedication to helping survivors navigate the healing process and gain clarity to move forward to a better life.

[@SherylRSmith]

People talk about conditional love, but no one ever talks about when the love is present. Even when the conditions are met, and the behaviour is good.

[@Bronte866]

You would find that on many other channels.

[@DJH97]

They had kids to serve them and do all their work. Cleaning cooking ironing laundry yard work. While they went on trips and hockey games and parties etc.

[@juliej1520]

Thank you 🎉🎉🎉

[@SoulSeeker2025]

This is very hard to wrap your head around😂

[@charlotteinfj4412]

Thank you

[@Margottaful]

thank you very much!

[@jacquelinevd977]

Jerry, you're very good & interesting! All you say is true and you go deep! ❤❤❤ My 3rd job interview was sabotaged by my mom, sister & nephew who was hired as a flying monkey by my sister who tried to demand contact when stalking me didn't help.

[@damnfoolz]

TY Jerry 💪🏾✊🏾👍🏾

[@saleenapiano]

the man is a genius!

[@nguyenphuongngoc9728]

Thanks a lot

[@rubycubez1103]

Now that my mother is in her 70s, her go to is "dont worry, youll see when Im no longer here" whenever I bring up my feelings. One day she changed it up and said "youll know what a mother is when you're older". Im 44 lol

[@seriouscat2231]

It's like they said random phrases that sound profound but don't mean anything. My both parents do that now and then out of the blue.

[@creativesky5498]

It would be so beneficial to have a resource for the teen going through this being raised by loving grandparents. I wonder if this book by Margaret Paul may be too adult for 14-15 yr old. For us who struggle with little funds as seniors affordable resources are so important. It is sad that only those with money can do the wonderful courses offered.

[@Lesah_]

Wow, did you study my mother in order to make this video? There is not one miss.

[@annie7264]

This is my father!

[@jackieb.3056]

and maybe its because the parents dont love their own selves

[@oppressednolonger1497]

do you recommend going no contact with a malignant narcissist parent who continue to abuse a child well into the childs adulthood, when it gets more and more devious? & showing sociopathic traits?

[@indigenous31617]

It's not all of their kids, tho.

[@TheGuniverse2k]

Someone on another video made a very good important fact though YOU CANNOT PARENT YOUR INNER CHILD UNTIL YOU BECOME A FULLY FUNCTIONING ADULT so if you're still suffering from, like in my case, financial abuse & you cannot support yourself fully you cannot love yourself fully as they neglected to. That's major so now I know until I can be Finnair independent I still need the love of family - it won't come from them though & idk who and that's the hardest pill to swallow once you are spiritually in tune and realizing how most ppl are. We just keep going though 💪🏾

[@chellotrevino7323]

Doesnt the golden child get love tho , its the golden child I thought the golden child gets the love only someone help me out here please 😆

[@jerrywise]

The golden child gets enmeshed, not true love. I recommend watching my videos on enmeshment. I also have a video explaining this dynamic kzbin.info/www/bejne/n37CfIt5m9SNr68si=K4hGCWCv7GSo0bjW

[@chellotrevino7323]

@ the golden child lives in a golden beautiful cage , the scapegoat lives In a dusty cage , BUT THEY BOTH LIVE IN CAGES 🫠 , love your videos keep up the good work your helping millions out there ❤️

[@littledroogy]

My sister is the golden child. With Jerry's help I escaped and can look at the situation differently. I think she has it worse because I was able to get out. She still defends the old hag and I can see clearly how negatively her life is affected. It makes me so sad

[@lishmahlishmah]

​​​@@littledroogy Same here. I think 100% that the golden child has the worst part. I have always been the scapegoat. At a certain point I did realize why I was suffering, tons of problems I had blamed myself for... Now became clear. The golden child usually can't realize that at all. They have NO love from the family , and they hardly can see why they don't feel loved when they are sooooooo loved. They can go crazy much more than us scapegoats.

[@elizabethmadron1336]

My brother is the golden child. He is also a narcissist. He has been married 4 times. He keeps picking narcissists. The jury is out on the current wife. BTW, this video describes my family. Every point describes them. I am the scapegoat. I have gone 98% no contact.

[@biljana1710]

❤❤❤👍👍👍

[@ddd007ddd00]

I am at the beginning of my "investment journey", planning to put 385K into dividend stocks so that I will be making up to 30% annually in dividend returns. any good stock recommendation on great performing stocks or Crypto will be appreciated

[@fhgfhfhgf]

As a newbie investor, it’s essential for you to have a mentor to keep you accountable. Ruth Ann Tsakonas is my trade analyst, she has guided me to identify key market trends, pinpointed strategic entry points, and provided risk assessments, ensuring my trades decisions align with market dynamics for optimal returns.

[@DerickSams]

I managed to grow a nest egg of around 120k to over a Million. I'm especially grateful to Adviser Ruth Ann Tsakonas, for her expertise and exposure to different areas of the market.

[@fhgfhfhgf]

I don't really blame people who panic. Lack of information can be a big hurdle. I've been making more than $200k passively by just investing through an advisor, and I don't have to do much work. Inflation or no inflation, my finances remain secure. So I really don't blame people who panic.

[@DerickSams]

Without a doubt! Ruth Ann Tsakonas is a trader who goes above and beyond. she has an exceptional skill for analysing market movements and spotting profitable opportunities. Her strategies are meticulously crafted on thorough research and years of practical experience..

[@ddd007ddd00]

how would you recommend i enter the crypto market? I am also looking at studying some traders and copying their strategy rather than investing myself and losing money emotionally. What's your take on this approach?? and How can i reach her, if you don't mind me asking??

[@VenusianLissette]

thank you