Recap: Shaping Narcissism In Childhood

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00:00 Introduction and Recap
01:23 Separation Individuation Phase
04:58 Failure in Separation Individuation
06:58 Seeking Mother Substitutes
10:36 Transference
13:09 Five Processes in Narcissistic Relationships
15:52 Introject Asymmetry
17:38 Inner Critic and Self-Gaslighting
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Sams Video On Separation
• Narcissistic Abuse Rec...

[@AIXITstageleft]

This is exactly what my husband did to me. Sam is spot on. I feel so grateful to have found these two. One thing I want to make clear, I was NOT an abused child; I had a wonderful family. That crap that you have to be from an abusive background to with an abuser is a total myth. I was kind, forgiving, loving, generous, and empathic. He targeted me and I was young and so, so naive. I had no clue what was happening until I was 3/4 gutted. Its so sickening. They are a virus in your system. They steal EVERYTHING from you. Another thing I want to make clear and this I want to SCREAM from the top of the mountain tops...please hear me: THERAPISTS VICTIMIZED ME FURTHER!! PSYCHIATRISTS HELPED ME STAY WITH HIM. The psychiatric field has no idea how to help people like me. They further victimized me and my children over and over. I felted so helpless and trapped.

[@rebeccagrace1509]

I just left a 3rd therapist too. Was supposed to be a place that deals w trauma... including cptsd from narc abuse.. NOPE.. when therapy makes you feel like shit and the thought of the next appointment makes your anxiety worse... BYE. I have learned the hard way... if they know NOTHING about it... save my breath.

[@itchyscratch3829]

I think narc/abusive types can prey on people with lots of empathy. Certain personality types such as INFJ for example. Like you say, not necessarily people with turbulent childhoods and emotional wounds, just people with a combination of certain personality traits and naivety that make them susceptible to manipulation.

[@josephzsoka874]

@@itchyscratch3829 Yup...good point. The youtube channel called HG Tudor:Knowing the narcissist, says the same. Narc's are attracted to people with empathy... just like a thermal image, they glow bright red to the narc. Empathy can also cause the behaviour to 'latch on to a narc, because empathy wants to connect. That's when the narc pounces. It's important to not feel shame for falling into a narc's spell, it can happen to anybody.

[@MikeKollin]

A lot of Narcissist go into the Therapy fields, psychology / psychiatry! So yes, you are right!

[@kaylaschroeder1]

I cannot believe how extremely accurate this is. It's horrifying and so validating. Thank you, Sam.

[@milinoss]

Write me for enlightenment with the above digits,💬

[@The_authentic_queen_]

Use your logical thinking when you first meet someone. Save your emotional thinking for those who prove to be Ginuwine. My new motto. My reminder. IT WORKS.

[@explorer0213]

Genuine

[@nyahhbinghi]

...or trust your gut

[@Rlove8687]

Ginuwine

[@sarahbutlerr]

Immediately pony started playing in my head 🤣🎶

[@FLdancer00]

Oh, is that all? Just turn off your emotions? Gosh, why didn't anyone else think of that??

[@joaniefife5934]

So grateful to be living in a time where I can sit back at home and listen to one of the greatests minds on a little screen. Mind blowing as always. (Hope your Ego likes this ;))

[@milinoss]

Write me for enlightenment with the above digits,💬

[@Newmindframe]

“My name is Sam vaknin and I am the author of malignant self love, narcissism revisited”

[@aztlanmerlin]

I am a narcissist. My internal object is attached to a physical object. It has never shown up in the outside world. I recognized unhealthy behavior and confined it to the smallest place I could, by myself. At the behest of my therapist, I used it to move forward and improve my life. Gradually I became less toxic, Crack by Crack, until massive chunks started falling off. Like a Disney Gargoyle. Fascinating.

[@sydneywhitby]

I am also a narcissist… this gives me hope.

[@crisfox7979]

It’s like being assimilated by the Borg! He would tell me he’d told me things which I was certain he’d never said, he would expect me to be able to read his mind I thought. Now i realise he thought I knew exactly what he was thinking because in his mind we were one, so obviously if he knew it, then so must I! Now it all makes so much more sense. I lost my sense of self, I asked his advice on everything, I relied on him for validation, I had no friends, no sense of self, everything was about him and his needs and fears and wants, yet no matter how hard I tried to give him everything he said he wanted it was never enough. Him and his mother are locked in a never ending dance with each trying to get the upper hand…he will never break free and in actual fact, he doesn’t really want to break free..no wonder he wishes his own mother dead..🙃 I must break my children free of him and his family if we are ever to have any real peace and a happy life away from the power struggle that is the root of all narcissistic families. They can’t change, they don’t want to change, they will never change…leave hope at the door and run if you are in a relationship with one of these monsters.

[@teemadarif8243]

I felt you. these types of families have a belief system within that tells them subconsciously ..."this is just the way it is."...as if they're not aware that the cycle can be broken...and also misery loves company. as far as the children are concerned , they've gotta be schooled and made aware early . we have to instill in them an entirely different belief system unlike that of their grandparents and/or wherever else it stems from . they can be taught critical thinking skills as early as kindergarten , the basics at least. especially once we get a full clear understanding of what has happened and why it happened. I wish you and yours all the best. sounds like you've been empowered with knowledge and know what to lead your children by🌷🌱👏🏼

[@pashalu]

It sounds like your describing my marriage relationship exactly. I am divorced now- and the expression of anger and fights and aggression is still there and more prevalent now that I’ve separated myself from him. He still tries his old tricks, and it’s amazing and disgusting to me at the same time that he still does (tries) these things with me- it’s as if he doesn’t realize we are no longer one, one being- I completely lost myself, and apart from him I was completely independent, free thinking, confident, fun and excited for life. When I merged with him- in marriage and obviously now- mentally I was him- any part of me was dead unless he needed a talent of mine for something he would resurrect it in me.. I can’t believe how manipulated I was by him. This insight explains so much. But even knowing it, doesn’t make the gross feelings go away from the time I spent with him of my own volition (or I thought it was my own choice)… 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

[@crisfox7979]

@@teemadarif8243 wise words, I have done exactly that with my children.

[@crisfox7979]

@@pashalu it wasn’t your choice…you were manipulated into staying..brainwashed into believing it was your choice because you had faith in the innate goodness of others, believing them to be like yourself, kind and caring. Don’t take any blame for being tricked, the shame is his, never forget that.

[@pashalu]

@crisfox thank you, for sharing your experience, we are all in this together it seems. May love and abundance and freedom be yours now and always in your life.

[@sr3615]

Finally! A logical answer to why I went along with all that lunacy other than the obvious, “ I’m a fucking idiot.”

[@madisonimogen1028]

Dont beat ur self up. Lessons can always be turn around to benefit you

[@baleny]

Wow the accuracy!! Sam and Richard God bless you both for the wisdom, understanding and validation you bring to so many marc abuse survivors. I’m so grateful to have found you both, a vast majority of my healing is attributed to understanding and listening to you - you described my experience word for word ❤️🙏

[@filiphedvicak]

This is the smartest thing I have heard so far in ma life wow. Cannot wait to install this knowledge properly! Thank you so much Sam

[@Joyfulsweetness]

Wow, just wow. So much excellent information in such a relatively short time. 100% accurate

[@minicc26]

Jada has become will Smith's superego or inner critic, explains that slap imo

[@astercite]

This explains so many things on so many levels its crazy wish I knew this 15 years ago.

[@brigitte9999]

I’m sad that I ever had to be symbiotic with my mother. But I definitely did the cutoff part well.

[@PenninkJacob]

I wish there were more people like Sam Vaknin, he's a narcissist, but he lets us see what it is like through the eyes of a narcissist... Awesome!

[@ladygoldfinch8945]

Very helpful! Thanks again Sam and Richard.

[@gjthomas9770]

Sam has gone Goth with his purple hair 👆👆👆👆

[@fatasi765]

Must be the purple rinse 💘

[@KingdomPlans]

Or he's in the blue rinse brigade lol.

[@brigitte9999]

Actually looks better because there’s depth. Good to know for future reference.

[@amandajohnson-williams7718]

I think it's the lighting ...

[@gjthomas9770]

@@brigitte9999 just a little humour in this serious world of ours..

[@videoSelma]

Narcissists remember what partner said and than parroting it, say the same thing as it was his thought, opinion.. How to understand it? For example partner says I like intelligent men", and after few days nacissist says oh i like intelligent women". So.. he confuses external with internal.. But how it goes together with muted snapshot??

[@davidemm829]

Ok this info from Sam is the best yet...whoa..ty

[@gellicbecca5191]

Spiritual vampirism

[@gellicbecca5191]

Bc of the emotional mother stuff they will have no accountability bc you the mum who loves them unconditionally

[@Somebodysomewheresometime]

My ex narc has alienated our daughters from me:( I’m so scared for their future :(

[@roseannnekeogh2283]

Coercive control used on the kids.

[@gellicbecca5191]

Question for Sam V please Does Sam think that emotional incest is what gives the narcs the traits, of objectified external reality

[@teemadarif8243]

very very good question

[@amandajohnson-williams7718]

Thank you Richard 💟💟💟

[@yasmino6387]

Thanks for sharing this!!!!

[@rachelwarren6633]

He is beautiful in prose and almost siphonic. Good that your colleague is also a mentor-warrior.

[@KdKoala]

Amazing insight, very helpful 🙌🏻

[@davidemm829]

Oddly enough with my education and knowledge base to now, I totally understand this..and have experienced this..rather frightening..looking back a bit..oh yes,,

[@user-en2fo1sw8f]

I never started a argument nor would I physically fight him, even not doing anything at all set him off and ONLY beating me up when drinking alcohol , and been busy tearing my world apart and my memories apart and replace them with his lies he made up then tell me I don't remember what I said or done .

[@OddBall501]

Richard, A Question for you.(Sorry) Our lives oddly mirror eachothers, From trauma/abuse, (double glazing shhhh) Marketing, psychology of, Teaching," A sudden Life Threatening Event" in our 20s, and so on. Just like you I "UtilisE" Speaking in accents" &, I take on personas during conversation. I've not seen you do this recently....is this a conscious thing or since psychotherapy? Thank you for all your hard work 💕

[@wendyhandley9463]

Is it that he's been so pissed off with his mother that you become the punchbag because his mother trapped him phycologically ?

[@flowersintheattic2608]

This is how I worded my now ex husband of 2 weeks who is an emotionally abusive manipulative narcissist. For what his narcissist mother has done to him including abandonment from birth... "I am paying for your mothers life sentence". Nearly 30 years with this monster and wasn't until 2016 I found out it had a name 'narcissist'.

[@throtm4619]

Thank you.

[@clairep301]

For those who were never connected or symbiotic with a mother figure during childhood would then lead to a higher chance of attaching to a mother figure or co dependency later in life?

[@milinoss]

Write me for enlightenment with the above digits,💬

[@vlogcity1111]

yes and parentifying a future partner is very likely from not getting that from a parental figure

[@annikakarlsen6287]

This was very interesting, thank you. My question is, how do you get rid of the narcessist voice that has become your inner critic?

[@yasmino6387]

Ohhh. I wanna know this too!!!! Thanks for asking this.

[@socialdistancingon8333]

My advice would be to check out Mr. Grannon's 3 part video series that begins with "Cure C-PTSD VIDEO (add number here)", in silencing the inner critic. I found them to be very helpful in my healing journey. I hope this helps.

[@rebeccagrace1509]

Compassionately Keep drilling a new thought pattern into your head, heart, system... you can smile and giggle a bit at the absurdity "Well, thats NOT True!🙆🏽‍♀️... I am ACTUALLY____*🤩!!" Example: the narc said or made you feel "Ugly" ... Flip it😘 The narc is a LIAR.... they lie to themselves AND everyone... Decide in YOUR LIFE.... LIARS DON'T GET THE MICROPHONE.... THEIR SORRY ASS CAN SHUT THE F*** UP AND SIT THE F*** DOWN... OUTSIDE... NEXT TO THE DUMPSTER for their disgusting behavior. REAL RATS ARE CUTER THAN THEM🐀 They've been bad, and they are kicked OUT of your mind... YOU are the Umpire of your life... YOU call the shots of foul play... and can kick anyone and anything they say OUT of your mind like Baseball "OUTTA HERRRE!!!" They can get BANISHED from the League for UNACCEPTABLE Foul play.

[@francoluz2629]

This is true and real. I have a difficult time grocery shopping. Takes me hours to buy staples because I hear my ex criticizing my every purchase.

[@francoluz2629]

Wow! This must have happened to me. When I mentioned this to my friends- they thought I was crazy. I changed as a person and was told I became my ex who was a grandiose narc.

[@enlightndark6671]

This man's mother-mother dual bond is EXTREMIST removing ALL FATHER'S from the reality of CHILD development!

[@MJ-gv6pw]

The rise in rates of narcissism in society seems to have some correlation with the rise of infants and young children spending more time in childcare rather than with their. Is this just a coincidence or could this disruption or the mother-child bond elevate the probability of a cluster B outcome?

[@LeFouLutin]

I don't think there was that amount of knowledge about narcissism that easily available before. So, I'm not sure if this rise is because of people being more aware, being able to put a word on what they lived, or if the number of narcissists really is going up.

[@johanjansson2723]

@M J - Childcare means to the child that it is separated from mother and father. The caregivers they trust 100% and that gives them safety. The grown ups at the daycare center are not primary caregivers, and can not take on that role. So it is to a degree trauma to the small child. The do not feel safe there. It breeds uncertainty. Also the environment at the daycare center is chaotic and confusing for the child. To much happening. Uncertainty. It breeds reactive behaviour. The child needs the parents safety and comfort to balance that circus, to benefit from the activities at the daycare center. @Elftor - Sam Vaknin is correct in saying that we did not know of narcissistic abuse for some 20 years ago. The insight into narcissism where not that great. But ego trip, or living in a lie. Such concepts has always been there. People born in the 50:s and earlier has either compartmentalised their traumas, or simply not survived. Alcohol, drugs, denial and suicide. They had no tools to handle it. Compartmentalised traumas breed narcissistic abuse. Knowledge about narcissistic abuse enables us to avoid it, and to some degree revert compartmentalised trauma. It gives hope. But if it is enough to save us? I don't know.

[@Eric-tj3tg]

Yes. See Interpersonal Neurobiology, Doctors Dan Siegel, Bruce Perry, Allan Schore ("The first 1000 days).

[@KiKi-te9yd]

I think it is more to do with the rise in Permissive Parenting. Parents who won't say no, don't set and enforce appropriate boundaries (could be also because they want to be fun parents if their child is in care a lot)

[@KiKi-te9yd]

And in social media greed

[@KiKi-te9yd]

I feel like this could be explained with less big words that I don't fully understand the definition of 😂 The dynamic sounds very familiar, but Im struggling to fully understand

[@quelquunhumain6994]

I agree especially for non native english viewers like me, @sam Vaknin and @richard grannon

[@karmaneutral5633]

Where may we find the previous videos mentioned by Vankin?

[@triplezs6307]

@16:00 'its vociferous, its critical, its analytical, its draws attention to your failings, your shortcomings. theres another name for this intraject, this critic'. yes there is. its name is psychoanalyst.

[@PENH5428]

Hearing about this ‘mind take over’ immediately reminded me of the tongue eating louse parasite for some reason lol. But anway- wow . Very eye opening

[@ellenroehl6022]

Do you see a relation between the interject of the narcissist and the self love of autogynephiia?

[@philipjohn3262]

Fascinating

[@aroguereptilian]

Wow this is a synchronicity! My npd mother (i do no contact) just surprise attacked me today. Lol for real tho

[@malumachado4561]

Grandiose narcissists seem a lot like dogs (without all the benefits), I've noticed whenever my biggest dog is feeling insecure or scared she attacks the other dogs out of nowhere for even standing near her. One day they might just pack on her when they've had enough of her crap though 😱

[@toucheturtle3840]

Sam is amazing

[@primalway1317]

Dam!! ...for a moment I thought I was normal...until you said.24 Months....

[@milinoss]

Write me for enlightenment with the above digits,💬

[@AnGeLaOYA]

My stbx was parentified when his parents divorced and his mom slipped into depression. His mom had him help her buy a house due to his credit. He's been giving her money every month for as long as I have known him because after she moved into her house she lost her job. She's in her 70's and unhealthy. He is 40.

[@Stevo_YouTube]

Watch the Jimmy Savile doc on Netflix and the part about his mother towards the end. She deffo had a part to play.

[@amandacrss]

My narc friend can entrain me without 🎶. It's incredible.

[@misssaiwasn6935]

@Sam Vaknin: Thank you Sir for these valuable insights. You say, the narcissist is trapped in this eternal loop of attempts to make up the unfinished business of individuation. Why is it technically not possible that later on in his/her life a person (purposefully and in agreement with the narcissist) takes on the role of the mother (playing substitute mother, so to speak) and thus enables the stuck narcissist to "finish the business"?

[@wonderwoman5070]

Go to Sam's channel and see the video on why narcissists try this over and over again and never succeed.They don't have the tools to properly individuate

[@misssaiwasn6935]

@@wonderwoman5070 I know they don't have the tools, but I wonder why? We know that trauma (the root cause of narcissim) CAN be healed by reversing the patient back, into re-living the trauma. It's not a walk in the park, rather one on thin ice but definitely possible. Why however does it not work with the narcissist? The false self would not permit it, for it would mean its dissolution, I get that, but why can the real Self not be resurrected? Is it dead? The real Self is an energy entity, as is the false self. Energy cannot die. Where did it go? I am lost with that question, even after watching Prof. Vaknin's videos as you have - patronizingly - recommended me to do.

[@KiKi-te9yd]

@@misssaiwasn6935 the people that get closest to mutual love with them, get internalised and then murdered off as they try to remove the vulnerable side of them. So then they are alone again. They never learn externalise their loved one... so to fully listen/ act to with respect and compassion to their partner as they can't take the criticism. They never learned that to be critiqued for personal development is not to be their ego slaughtered. Or something like that

[@misssaiwasn6935]

@@KiKi-te9yd yeah, it's something like that. very complicated. Thanks for your explanation. In my experience, codependents have a very minor chance of healing via the relation with a narcissist (in the moment they are murdered off they have the unique chance of finding and rebuilding the lost Self (by superimposing monologues onto the passive voice, aka their silenced voice), However, it looks as on the side of the narcissist, there is no chance of resurrecting the lost Self. Definitely not in a relation with a Codependent. Maybe some relief can be found in the setting of new therapy forms, such as Prof. Vaknin's Cold therapy.

[@astercite]

wow!!

[@lenavoyles526]

But the “normal” two-year is still capable of co-regulation in a way that a narcissistic adult is not, so there must be more to the equation than simply “the two year old is a clinical narcissist”.

[@joltjolt5060]

People always want to tell you how to raise your kid. It's very sad. I have a narcissist mom, so I appreciate your input, because being a parent is hard enough without losers telling you things.

[@kateann4558]

Im the escape goat of the family im tired of that rule now im with narc partner im so drain i dont have anyone no support aystem

[@antyarktyka1115]

Support Ukraine!🇺🇦❤️🇺🇦

[@Alice-sj9or]

Yep, I'm in the middle of this insanity at the moment, trying to distract myself... We need you Mr. Grannon! 🤍🇺🇦🕊️

[@Alice-sj9or]

@@nirmalajoshi5522 I personally wouldn't mind a couple of free special online martial arts master classes from Richard, just in case those Death Eaters come for my soul. I don't think they will take 'no' for an answer. Bet grey rock won't work on them either.

[@brigitte9999]

Ukraine could have taken the path Finland did. Why didn’t it?

[@Alice-sj9or]

@@brigitte9999 Do you know any funny jokes, Brigitte? Cos even knock-knock joke would work much better than your question in this situation. I would love to hear a good joke. Something nice and soothing. Please?

[@freespirit3818]

@@Alice-sj9or be nice! We are all brothers and sisters on the planet trying to make the world a better place. It's the narc leaders that are fecking everyone's lives up

[@AdamGedney]

Does this mean that in the first 24 or 36 months the dissociation and objectification could fail because of an abrupt abandonment, because of a trauma? That would stunt the normal development in my mind. Is that what a narcissistic injury is in young children?

[@milinoss]

Write me for enlightenment with the above digits,💬

[@DebbieHappyCohen]

The Phantom of the Opera

[@milinoss]

Write me for enlightenment with the above digits,💬

[@msprincessangel12]

What about the adult narcissist (30+) who still lives with his single mother whom depends on him for attention and also provides him with narcissistic supply and services ?

[@KiKi-te9yd]

Leave him there and find someone healthier for you.

[@dapsolita]

I can certainly see how an addiction to pornography can occur out of this.

[@krishnamayimarianni8026]

Interesting. I have always felt a disgust for pornography as I felt it violated my sense of self. As a consequence I have had little sympathy for consumers of pornography. Now I feel they are doubly victims. Manipulated by pornographers and stunted by the abuse they experienced in their upbringing. I feel sorry for those addicted to it as they are wasting their lives.

[@FLdancer00]

How?

[@junkettarp8942]

Oh dear.

[@wendyhandley9463]

What do these mother's do to stop them individuating ?

[@krishnamayimarianni8026]

What kind of things does the mother say or do that might block the individuation stage at 18 months to 24 months?

[@vlogcity1111]

she doesnt have to say anything. sometimes that is the worst form of abuse. neglecting a child emotionally or physically.

[@freespirit3818]

@@vlogcity1111 that was my mum in a nutshell. However I turned in to a co dependent

[@vlogcity1111]

@@freespirit3818 same here, my mom was so heavily medicated on antipsychotics that it made her emotionally unavailable. i became a co dependent as well. i was abused by my dad brother and friend/business partner. so much so that it broke the co dependent in me. either i have become a narcissist as a defensive mechanism or i am currently rebuilding myself with alot of walls around me. i dont intentionally manipulate or harm people i have incorporated narcissistic traits into my own personality as a coping or defense mechanism to deal with my harsh physical and emotional environment around myself.

[@vlogcity1111]

she could say i wish you were never born or i wish you were a boy or a girl. the opposite of what you came out as. that will ruin and stunt any development of a self. i was told by mom repeatedly how she wished she had a daughter when i was young. she took our neighbors daughter in as her own and it made me extremely jealous. she never would speak to me nearly as much as this girl which made me grow to resent her as friend. if i ever become a parent im not wasting my time on other peoples kids, it will be my own.

[@sunnysmith5523]

otherwise known as Antonios Daughter... Thank You Gentlemen!

[@SpaZzChickxX]

Wow

[@joincoffee9383]

That’s like dictatorship. He/she (or it?) dictates.

[@milekrizman]

They are talking about codependent personality, not narcissism.

[@JacksTestimony]

You must be born again!

[@maddalena5708]

This is extremely disturbing to see. This really does create cognitive and emotional dissonance to me, it feels a lot like Clarice Starling talking to Dr. Lecter. I cannot take it that this sir is a narcisisst, it just makes me confused about the reasons he is there explaining narcisissm. I just can't. This is traumatizing. Richard stop it.

[@toucheturtle3840]

He’s demonstrating his lack of memory by using notes…

[@Infiniterhythmstudio]

would love to see some videos of your public speaking. im sure youve presented your own theoretical expertise to a far higher standard...without the notes. Touche

[@toucheturtle3840]

@@Infiniterhythmstudio My public speaking is limited. I have no ambition to increase it. Sam likes the sound of his own voice, he’s a psychopathic narcissist…

[@poopingwhilestanding5801]

I got timed out/removed because I didn't support the narrative that all women are great, and all men are bad. We already know of the censorship, but to cull another's person's opinion based on facts, not feelings, is why I am fine with no longer subscribing to this channel. Likely not the content creators decision, but the mods. Oh well. Men like me will continue to do our own thing, without concern about focusing on a woman's needs when she doesn't care about men's needs.

[@paxtonlux6698]

i agree with you and am glad you're here. I can't understand brainwashing a child in to thinking they need to feel fear around safe men either. I think it is the passing of baggage from one to another.

[@abebber2008]

Can you please elaborate more as to your situation?

[@sallymueller2024]

Harry & Meghan ???

[@hankhill3417]

Stop leaving the house