Reciprocated Validation

• If The Narcissist was ...
If someone vulnerably and respectfully brings up a feeling (hurt, disrespected, lonely, neglected), it is our job as someone who loves them to take on the role of the listener, where we are curious to understand what happened to lead them to feel that way and validate their experience even if we don't agree with it. What we DON'T want to do is use this as an opportunity to voice our complaint or feeling at the exact same time. That's not validation. That's making everything about you, and your pain.
#validation #empathy #datingadvice

[@gloriadonahue7241]

He ignored what she JUST SAID, so that he could tell her about how she ignored him. Hmmm. Sounds like the last 42 years of my life. Spot-on.

[@trebmaster]

Sorry to hear :/

[@IndianSumaira]

😮 42 years ??? I was hoping with time they can change ❤ gloria take care of yourself God bless you

[@Kritikanbringer]

How insecure and toxic can you be so that you always need explicit validation of your feelings before you are able to continue the conversation?! ☕️

[@MaryJane-bk9vj]

So I have to be glad, that my marriage ended up after 25 years, cause it was the same. I feel you and wish you the best.

[@rsamom]

He deflected so he would not have to validate her feelings

[@moongoddess1978]

As the validator in relationships, this is completely true. It is exhausting to not be able to express your feelings and needs without having to comfort the other person when they deflect. I’m learning not to do it. “I appreciate that we’re both bringing up topics that are important to us. Since I brought up mine first, I would like to us to address it before moving to the next one. I promise that’s next.”

[@dawntownsend1465]

Thank you, this is really helpful. I can see this is happening in my relationship, but I haven’t had the words to deal with it without it sounding like I was deflecting his issue. This is an excellent suggestion and I will give it a try. ❤

[@victoriaag4460]

This is so true, sadly i learned it the hard way.. Don't ever set ur feelings aside so u can validate other's, take it one at a time i promise u his feelings are just as important but everything has a right time

[@alikik8602]

That's how I broke up with my ex boyfriend. He wouldn't communicate his discomfort and then would "pay back" with other behaviors to punish me. Even when I asked him when I felt that something was wrong. If you don't see any kind of improvement on such occasions,run. A person cannot so easily change unhealthy patterns unless they decide this for themselves. It's a waste of time and energy. Relationships need a lot of work to be preserved and If only you are willing to work on that with proper communication then you're just too good for them.

[@MelliaBoomBot]

Yep, mutual work…❤

[@yaffam6618]

Wow. Your methods of delivery just get more and more effective

[@SENSEF]

👍 Agree!

[@idkwhodos2840]

I thought 'Wow! She did so well to validate his feelings and not get triggered by his response!" But nope! Wrong again!🤦🏼‍♀️

[@bewtifulfreak]

To be fair, you're right in that she did do well to hear him out and not escalate, but fell short of letting him know that his hijacking of the conversation wasn't okay.

[@MorgueInTheVoid]

Thank you for talking about this!! It's frustrating because you never hear about their problems with you until you bring up your problems with them. And if its been a problem, then you should have brought it up at the time. But instead you held it in and now you can use it as a way to justify your behavior that I'm speaking about right now.

[@Ezio742]

It's very nice to hear those short expressions like "regardless of which gender it is". With this way it''s feeling less implying what genders were picked for the roles of the sketch itself. Thanks man ❤

[@user-nm5zz7zk3w]

I couldn’t agree more as I felt I was the one being emotionally abused time and time again when I was assuming to take the full responsibility of being the rock of holding on to a very toxic relationship hoping “one day” she would finally get it and turn things around. Only then would I finally “think” it would all be worth it.

[@user-sg6sv9oi6i]

​@@user-nm5zz7zk3w - many people believe it will improve. I've heard other folks say this as well including myself. How long do you wait as the clock keeps ticking and we aren't getting any younger? I don't know. I just hope I don't waste anymore of my time. I just may go it alone. It's not worth the pain.

[@louiseknight462]

This happens to me but I didn't realise this happens to me until I just saw this video.....

[@user-sg6sv9oi6i]

Me too!!!

[@LittleLulubee]

I’m not even in a relationship right now, but I love your videos ❤ So emotionally intelligent! 👌

[@RedT...TheOriginal.NotANumber]

Maybe not in a romantic relationship, but I guarantee you're in some form of relationship. And Jimmy's lessons can be applied universally - friends, parents, children, coworkers, etc etc.

[@cloudyskies5497]

I love these. Acting them out is so helpful. Seeing it like this makes it easier to see it in real life compared to books talking about it (which also have their place but).

[@user-sg6sv9oi6i]

Yes. I agree ❤

[@wendyelliott150]

I'm so glad that you brought this up.

[@kicsms_science3729]

Can we have a video where you role-play the healthy way to respond when this happens? It felt all-too recognizable, but I don’t know where to go from here.

[@maureenpilati8922]

Yes, please. I like what one reply said about addressing it next.. Anything else?

[@friendfromshadows]

yep, you hit the jackpot there

[@jenniferwells2291]

This is definitely my husband and me. Also allows them to deflect from what they did.

[@cameddy4081]

Damn Jimmy - you are a relationship genius! I really enjoy your little skits and snippets great stuff appreciate your profound insights and straight to the point ‘tips’ - it may seem like common sense to some but you have a real skill with your words and sensitivity 🙏🙏🙏👏👏👏👏👏👏👍

[@valentinasinichenko751]

That’s SO true. In my past relationships, I got into this trap so often, and I felt helpless not being able to shar emy feelings without being attacked back.

[@inspired2rv661]

Wow, that’s awesome! I definitely see what you’re saying and it’s been going on in our relationship, but I didn’t catch it, thank you so much for pointing that out. You’re so awesome!

[@ry2yb]

Excellent! Thanks Jimmy!

[@cherylannebarillartist7453]

At 0:28 I GOT IT!!!! It both stings and brings a relief in the form of recognition as I look to unravel HOW THE HECK I said yes to a man who was SO wrong for me, this, THIS!!!!!!!! Thank you! ✨💖✨

[@kretoslawska6352]

Thank you for putting this content with ACTUAL conversations that can happen between people. I learn so much! Please, don’t stop! 😁

[@zialuna]

This is such a good point, one that I identify with. And... "disrespected" and "ignored" are not actually feelings. They're not emotions. Labeling them as such is a common mistake in this approach to communication. What's more accurate and less likely to raise defensiveness might be, for example, "I felt hurt when you said "____" at the party. Can you imagine how that might have landed as hurtful for me? I'm really yearning for support and respect in social situaions."

[@sardi114]

If disrespected and ignored are not feelings or emotions, what are they? I’ve also read feelings and emotions are not the same thing although the words are often used that way.

[@heartofthematterlanguage]

I agree. "Disrespected" implies that someone was disrespecting you. "Ignored" implies that someone was ignoring you. Both of those things are more triggering than simply naming emotions or simple adjectives. Hurt. Alone. Small (not an emotion but there's no implied actor here). Unimportant. Disappointed (maybe). Afraid. Anger is an emotion but a harder one to hear -and there's always an emotion hiding under anger that's an easier one to hear-generally fear.

[@br3669]

​​@@sardi114they are statements (claims, really) about the other person's supposed actions and intentions. It's what each of them *believe* was going through the other person's head. Not what was going on in their own.

[@sardi114]

@@br3669 I humbly disagree. I don't have to know what's going on in your head to know how your actions affect me. The other person may not have intended to disrespect or ignore, but that's how it was taken (in this case, expressed as what it felt like) by the person expressing the displeasure. What defines disrespect and ignoring is subjective.

[@heartofthematterlanguage]

@@br3669 I think there may be a place for words like "disrespected" in discussions like this. But it isn't the best place to start, especially if you're talking to a partner who is sensitive. It's better for after you have both learned to hear each other's pain-in more in-depth discussions of a situation between people who have learned to really trust each other.

[@hulahandskc]

So after this happens, what does the next best step look like for her. I have been in this exact same place and LOST/gave up the whole relationship.

[@elenagonzales3500]

Yes, Jimmy, please us know what to when this happens.

[@heartofthematterlanguage]

It is possible to FIRST validate his feelings really well until he's feeling more secure, and THEN ask for him to validate yours. No guarantees, of course, but it's a big step up if you can get it to work.

[@jssmith1608]

There may be an ever-so-slight chance of someone being willing to learn how to validate feelings, but if he or she doesn't start doing it soon after learning, then I would suggest you move on. Trying to teach someone basic relationship skills as an adult can go on for decades and is exhausting. Take it from someone who tried.

[@jan854]

That was me!! Always apologizing, trying to listen and understand his feelings. Some how when I wanted to talk about me, it ended up being about him...

[@SENSEF]

WOW 👏👏👏 Jimmy, just wow! Thank you for what you're doing here. So needed!

[@aaronjohnson9876]

Thank you Jimmy for articulating these issues in such a clear and concise manner. You have helped me more than you know. ❤

[@tiffayneehorsley70]

Yikes. This one hit a little too close to home 🙈 thank you for presenting this in a way that makes so much sense!! I really appreciate your videos!

[@melodieryan925]

You rock Jimmy thank you. I feel so validated and yet in pain but learning and growing. Much love.

[@user-hj7nv5oo9p]

What a great video...thanks for it.

[@nishajennings5344]

I simply love how you put this in everyday couple terms. The example wasn't too extreme and conveyed normal problematic issues. Great job!! ❤

[@swanss77]

I really appreciate this video and found it extremely helpful and eye-opening. As someone who is usually the validator and empathizer I would love to see a video of how this scenario should play out in a healthy relationship. Thank you again for all of the information you put out, it has been so helpful in learning how to have healthier relationships!

[@wendykarle3114]

Well, this hits home .

[@vishadchauhan2246]

Sir , can i ask what should we do gradually to change this dynamic . Btw i am fan of your advices and examples and dialogues ❤.

[@crystalH30]

Wow you’re amazing…

[@LifeontheBush]

I just wanted to say thank you for making these videos, they really helped me work on my self and realized what I will or will not tolerate in a relationship. I broke up with my incredibly toxic ex in 2019, I learned and grew from it and now I got a date tomorrow and she seems amazing. So thank you for helping me grow.

[@lummela]

Wow! That's so true!

[@jasondevalle007]

Wow, just wow.

[@catherinewilson1079]

I see this as a person’s NEED to always be RIGHT, which is a terrible reflection of their character. EVERYONE needs to be able to seriously self-reflect and acknowledge deficiencies or the relationship will NEVER be truly intimate and fulfilling.

[@OceanWalk7]

"Disrespected" and "ignored" technically are "faux feelings". Better to use words that own it more and don't sound like blame ("You ignore/don't respect me"). NVC (Nonviolent Communication) can be really helpful for sorting that out (When you... I feel... because X is important/essential etc to me") - even just in the back of your mind while using casual language. Good overall message though!

[@morticia129]

you are so right, my god

[@BOT-dv9lz]

I can relate. And i feel super tired. And tryibg to get tru that wall she have that everything bounses back from but only what she needs and wants get in is draining not just my wallet but my soul as well. Time to set bounderies and give my self the good. .

[@gailfagan7579]

He was being defensive. Plain as day. My spouse does this ALL the time. Yes I am the more emotional, expressive person. He has always been very stoic, not expressing any negative emotions except irritation or anger. I've come to assume he's kind of shallow in the emotion department and so he's not very empathetic either. The solution would be to make an appointment to be heard and that doesn't happen either. He just goes and does some kind of action/ activity to distract himself until the next time.

[@lindseyhiccups]

Heyo, I hope you're doing well :) I just want to thank you for spreading your knowledge and awareness of these issues and the causes/how to react in certain situations. I'm grateful that I have a good husband with a caring nature and that we get along so well Your videos remind me of my past relationships and it's so eye opening to learn about these behaviours, especially about narcissists and their tendencies. It had shed some light on my past relationships and things are making so much more sense now I'm so grateful for your channel and I wish more people would watch your videos as it's good information for anyone and everyone I'm so glad my husband is such a caring, funny guy ♡ your videos make me appreciate him even more

[@joycetheobald1717]

This video was like a mirror to what I've suspected was happening, yet I was "crazy" for trying to point out. Fml

[@JETTSTACHI]

Yep. I stopped.

[@marydoogan2486]

Me too. When he refused to listen to what I had to say, I found it ridiculous to listen to him.

[@abaker2302]

I.just.stopped.validating. And it's kinda funny watching how that plays out. It doesn't seem like they know exactly what's missing just that something huge is gone.

[@lunalovegood1314]

This literally applies to the person i'm engaged to- (i refuse to call him my fiance because i don't want to manifest that.) He's 23, I'm 26. (To provide some context, this is an arranged marriage scenario which is common in south asian countries such as India and Pakistan.) So in january, my fam got me engaged to a guy who's currently in London giving his bar exams... at first, (even though i really didn't want to deep down inside) i went along with it, thinking ,'eh, what do i got to lose? My fam (especially my mom) wants me to give this guy a fair shot, get to know the guy, see if he's compatible with me, etc etc...' And because he was in london, I couldn't actually meet him, our fams just gave us the thumbs up to start talking to each other over phone calls. So, when i started speaking to him over the phone calls, he would obviously ask me questions in order to get to know me, but sometimes the conversations we would have felt weird... at first, i would joke about his questions saying, 'dude, if you want to know what i'm hiding, dont ask directly... cuz it's not like people will come right out and say ,'i'm the lord of the underworld or something.' And i jokingly said ,'see if you can master the art of trick questions.' over time, it started to feel like he's interrogating me to find the red flags instead of genuinely trying to get to know me as a person... Then i told him about my broken engagement (I was engaged last year, that was forced on me, by the way.) And i even told him that, saying i would go so far as to pray every night that i wouldn't end up marrying the guy. A few days later, he told me he wanted to call it off because of the engagement thing i told him about... i called it off too, saying we're too different and our needs are different. I wished him all the best and ended it, saying i hope you're able to accomplish all you want to in your life. A few days later, his mom called my mom and long story short, the engagement is back on again (much to my chagrin.) When he called the next day to apologize, i asked him, 'whenever i would talk to you over the phone, it always felt like you're interrogating me. Why can't you just get to know someone as a potential friend instead of trying to see what they're hiding?' And he got all defensive saying, 'i have every right to know what you're hiding... and when did i ever do that? You're making things up! You're getting pissed for no reason, etc.' After that, I wrote him a text exaining how i felt thinking maybe he'd understand better over a text rather than over a phone call since flare ups wont easily happen over texting? Idk... He was all, 'you're taunting me!' And i told him, ' no, sorry if you felt like i was taunting you, but I'm not. I'm just communicating because communication is important.' His response was ,' that ain't communication, you were raising your voice and that is something i will not tolerate from anyone, no matter who that person may be.' After seeing how much he was invalidating my feelings, i stopped answering his calls for like, 2 days. He eventually said, 'this is not the way to deal with the situation. If you don't want to talk to me, just tell me... if you want this thing between us to end, just say so.' And at first, i said, 'no, it's not like that. I would just like to have some space for a while, that's all.' He then said, 'i dont know how much space you want... Why are you so dramatic?' The argument went on for a while, and he then gave me an ultimatum, 'let me know what your decision is by the end of this week.' I responded with ,' by the end of this week? I'll let you know now. I don't want to marry you.' Then i blocked him. But... his mother begged my fam to let this engagement thing still happen next month in april, and long story short, this stupid thing is back on... and I'm so uncomfortable and unhappy. I would really like some consolation or advice on what to do. Anyways, thank you for reading this comment Jimmy. I'll continue watching your channel for help on how to identify a narcissist and stuff like that. Thank you :)

[@idkwhodos2840]

Is he perhaps afraid to get married? Could he be trying to find a way out of the arrangement? Apologies if this offends, I'm not familiar with your culture.

[@xcristinat]

I think you need to call it off for good and be overly clear and firm about it, with both mothers. His mom either knows about his horrible attitude and that's why she's so desperate to marry him off, or she's oblivious and thinks he's the freaking sun. Either way, tell both her and your mom exactly why you don't like this dirtbag and be firm. Stand your ground! You can do it!

[@TheMaliboo98]

that was great, I'm curious could you please provide an example of how he could have validated her feelings and understood her perspective and then addressed his feeling with her also?

[@Murphycee]

What about when they mirror you. Ex: Her: hey, I felt ignored because you kept interrupting me Him: you interrupt me all the time. Her: oh, okay I didn’t realize I did that or I didn’t realize when I did that it hurt you like it hurts me. Him: it doesn’t. I don’t mind you interrupting. But I just wanted you to know you interrupt me too.

[@MelliaBoomBot]

Yep, I was tired..after 14 years. Good bye 👋

[@AmandaTroutman]

❤

[@bimmerdude89]

So now what happens when the other party also has a hurt or grievance like in this clip? Is the other person allowed to bring that up after the validation and recognition of the first? and

[@shannond.5916]

My Wuzband did this a lot. I would call him on it. His response, "We might as well get all the issues out on the table at the same time. " So I could be raising Issue X, and he is raising unrelated issue in Klingon. I'd try to get him to set aside his new argument to after we worked out the other discussion. His "all about him" avoidance tactics didn't fly with me. FYI, we would get to his newly introduced issues after the initial one was hashed out.

[@sumquak]

100%, but why did you stop mid-apple to make a video?

[@adelakovarova6401]

Actually, I think the conversation was held pretty well and was just cut off too soon. Like yeah, I agree with the "not validating her feelings" part as well, but I don´t think it could have been held better. They were both hurt and had something to say, but the BF was holding it in, so in order to have an actual problem-solving conversation you first need to open that closed person up. After that you can talk about your own feelings too, but first you need to form a connection so the other one listens.

[@Dramageek2]

Could you expand on this more? How should he have brought up how he was feeling at the party? Is the problem tone and verbiage as well as timing, or would this conversation be an appropriate time to say I felt ignored at the party.

[@Linkfan007]

God, thats been a rinse and repeat in the relationship i was able to get out of. =_=

[@kaashkaash8695]

Okay so what do you suggest is the best response instead of validating?

[@TheHouseOffice]

Okay now do what the pink shirt lady is SUPPOSED to say in response to that?

[@gracie_5]

Im a woman and i actually did not catch it

[@jdub99]

😔

[@jackieliao2477]

How do you go about not playing the role of the validator when this happens

[@TheEminemfan10]

What advice do you have about porn addiction? I know that’s a strong topic but your thoughts knowledge and opinion I would appreciate.

[@paolawildneritaqui7545]

How to get out of this loop?

[@Julia.echternach]

This is way too familiar

[@waterninten]

Doesn't have to just be with partners. Parents as well. I got tired of it and straight up left, just like Jimmy said the person would

[@SagiQuarion]

Oookaaay. Can you tell us how this could have gone better? Starting with an alternative to her validating. What could she have been differently? Assume thr dude is behaving the same and he’s gonna unload. Now what? Look, I get why these videos seeem like they are helpful. BUT there’s too much content around that points out a problem and doesn’t offer a solution or attentive in the same video. As someone he is trying to learn this stuff, it’s like having people constantly repeat a problem in various ways without offering alternatives. Help people go beyond awareness.

[@onlyintime9914]

Jimmy you unfortunately created a hypocrite situation in a previous video titled "when they say nothing I do is ever good enough" you might want to go back in fix it.... In that video the woman brings up a need (that she feels something along the lines of feeling disconnected and invalidated by the man) and then the man reacts by saying he feels like nothing he does is ever good enough and then the woman crosses a boundary by ignoring that the man did not validate her while she proceeds to validate his response. This is hypocritical to the advice you give in this video where you point out that it's toxic for 1 partner to do all the validation for the relationship. I bring this up because I appreciate your work and I genuinely don't think you meant to give those conflicting messages and thought you might appreciate me bringing this to your attention.

[@taxtard3]

thank you Jimmy.

[@JoshC-End-Abortion-Fear-God]

The Lord is righteous in all his ways and faithful in all he does. Psalm 145:17