Recovering Desire for Scapegoat Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse

[@martialmusic]

I think what you have here is an explanation for a subtype of depression. The cognitive belief is something like “I do not have the right to even pursue happiness, because if I pursue it then I am self centered, narcissistic, and hedonistic; furthermore if I do pursue it I should expect an unpleasant (aversive) consequence.” You are damned if you aim for pleasure or success and damned if you do not. It can be construed as learned helplessness (you are going to suffer no matter what ) or as a double bind. Your third pillar then has its logical place “Live in defiance of the unfair narcissist’s rules”. The replacement thought should be “I have as much right as anyone to aim for happiness and joy, and to sometimes achieve it.” And the corresponding behavior would be to take chances at desirable things.

[@laurabarber6697]

Well said!🔥Now to take what I understand and turn it into daily actions that contribute to my happiness. Thank you 💝

[@peterbuckley9731]

Lovely rewording of the “ in definance” …if we can leave the parents in the dust… no longer considered them in the equation of our happiness… this has to be an even healthier model

[@Shimmerin]

"Tell me everything you love so that I can kill it." - Direct quote from my family.

[@davecopp9356]

I wish my family was so direct and honest. They killed it too but at the same time told me how much they loved me. It was very confusing and as a kid I told my parents, either the world is crazy or I am. Both we can´t be sane.

[@quynhg4074]

Who needs enemy if we have family like this? Right?

[@jennyanderson4796]

😢

[@wandawarren2593]

Damn, that sounds like my sister's voice.

[@martialmusic]

@@Shimmerin “if other people knew you as well as I do, they would not have such a high opinion of you.” (My mother) However, on reflection it’s great to know that others think so well of me. “Good bye, Mother.”

[@twelvetoes-e9n]

Had to just stop the video at ::: when the child feels good the N parent feels bad and vice versa. AND LET THAT SINK IN. There was something in another video about not allowing yourself to find happiness because it usually lead to some sort of narc rage, so you fundamentally cut yourself off from persuing happiness because it regularly leads to your imminent demise. This explains SO MUCH, THANK YOU.

[@diatribe5]

I wasn’t allowed to have friends, nor did I get any guidance in being able to make friends. I was also forbidden from seeing boys, so I had to settle for sneaking around and being treated like someone’s dirty little secret.

[@kathleengalek4441]

It’s been difficult for me to move forward (with big things and little things) since not only was there no encouragement but also the parents were so uncomfortable with my moving forward, growing and having successes.

[@siobhanglynn7662]

My only safe place was ballet class. My parents used to make sarcastic fun of me. When I cried, they called it crocodile tears. My brother and sister encouraged the dynamic because that meant that they weren’t the target. I knew that this treatment was going to change me and there was nothing I could do to escape. I picked up the shattered peices of myself and I have survived. Thank God. I will be in therapy and on medication for the rest of my life, but I have survived and have happiness at times.

[@Lyrehcsoulhealing2]

Only if you want to be. You don't have to be broken forever ❤ You just have to be open to believing it's possible. It affects us on many levels but there are a lot of ways to heal... some go all the way to the root.

[@jennyanderson4796]

oh do find all of dr. joe dispenzas helpful books & utube info.. a must!!!!

[@Lmb211]

You can still have a fantastic life

[@siobhanglynn7662]

@@Lmb211thank you! I appreciate the encouragement.

[@siobhanglynn7662]

@@Lyrehcsoulhealing2thank you! I do believe that it’s possible! 😊

[@debralawsonpascua9632]

Again, this video is so helpful. As a child, anything that could possibly reward me in any way, was denied and extreme punishment mentally, spiritually and physical followed and could last many hours. I am in my later 50s and only recently, learning “to want”. It is very anxiety producing for me to take these steps for myself. My nervous system is definitely reacting to my “audacity” to have happiness, love, stability, celebration. At age 10; I gave up any thoughts of something good happening, because it meant such extreme punishment. You phrased it well when you stated a child must “hide” what makes them happy. I still hide what makes me happy from everyone in my family. Because the family, gangs up on me if I think I am important, relevant. My narcissistic parent passed away 5 years ago; but my enabling parent still can’t handle me expressing myself. I have learned that even though the narcissistic parent died; I am still yearning for separation /distance from the family system. There has been a lot of progress in several of the family members. Thank you so much for your videos. You address the underlying belief systems created in me, better than any other person I have heard.

[@AnnK.-vu2yp]

This is exactly what happened to me. I didn’t know what narcissism was until my late 30s. The depth and the degree of damage has been…. Palpable. Hearing it described this way helps me grasp just how insidious it was. And validates how I made the right decision to remove myself from

[@Lyrielonwind]

Narcissistic parents started to hate seeing you happy but it infects the whole family. My siblings looked in pain when I felt joy or I accomplished something, no matter it wasn't a big deal. Our happiness become their misery. A few days ago I was thinking that I have never received a smile from my mother when I came back from school in my childhood and I was never kissed by her. In my adults years only as a greeting because that's what my culture demands.

[@BronwynneBessette-v7s]

I feel that so much. My mother never once said goodbye to me leaving for school. Usually she was still sleeping even when I was only 7. I never got any breakfast. She never one time said hello to me when I got home from school. Never. I thought I was the only person this happened to.

[@StephA21319]

And also be cautious to find the right therapist. Jays description of the example therapist shows me what to look for and how much a previous therapist I worked with for years was just perpetuating the patterns. She got angry if I needed to cancel an appointment, which was uncommon but happened occasionally. If I was happy she thought it was fake or too much or I wasn't working hard enough in therapy. I think those of us with these family patterns need to avoid therapists who buy into the model that everything in your life is your responsibility, including dysfunctional relationships and the emotional pain they cause. This therapist did so much damage. When I finally dared to reveal my closest held dreams she told me I was being elitist. I had wanted to end therapy but she convinced me to continue. Eventually I found another therapist who helped me see that my instinct to leave that therapy was correct

[@anita10674]

It is hard to find a good therapist!

[@Hippowdon121]

Yes exactly - avoid therapists who insist that everything that happens in your life is your responsibility. They say: toxic work environment? Maybe you need to work harder! No contact with your family? Then you just need to try harder! Et cetera ad infinitum.

[@beccarashid]

I really appreciate your work. I could never put words to why I felt the most alone in my moments of success or achievements, it’s because on one hand-my parents demanded I be a star to positively reflect them-but on the other hand-as soon as I got the award/praise they would start to devalue me again, call me crazy, remind me of my selfishness. In so many ways, I’ve felt like my wins only further hurt me in my journey to reclaiming my own desire, because they’d take those wins as their own show of good parenting and continue to use me as a pawn. I hope all children who go through this (especially older daughters with the gender angle) are given the space to grieve the unfair and dehumanizing reality of this style of parenting.

[@cameliaseghedi4528]

I read the comments and think of my own experience and the only thing that comes to my mind is "how can people be so cruel to another human being, let alone a child who is defensless and dependent on them?" ... I am sorry everyone for all you had to go through and I wish you find the way to cherish yourselves.

[@lisadsignstyle8218]

You understand this better than anyone Ive listened to on YOutube, even my own therapist. Thank you for your videos

[@meredithalbion3721]

I feel the same way! Each week it's like Jay knows what I need to hear to better understand myself.

[@AnnK.-vu2yp]

Agree! It never fails to amaze me how he can describe my EXACT experience without knowing a single person involved.

[@bbjoyce-je1vx]

Whoa 😁 ...This is brilliant, I never thought about this before. Each time my mom would slam my esteem, I'd just come back with new interests to share with her. She repeatedly dismantled or dismissed anything that made me happy. I was 11 and happy that a relative said I was pretty. Mom sat me down & explained why I was not pretty. "Cute- but not pretty, That word is over used". I didn't learn from that. I took interest in spelling bees, she never attended at any school I had a spelling bee. Same with music recitals- never showed. I would've saved myself a lot of grief if I had just kept my mouth shut and my favorite things to myself😁 Thanks again for your insight, very upbuilding.

[@coach_amy]

This is heart-breaking. I relate to this. Keeping mouth shut is the biggest lesson in dealing with NPDs and sociopaths (which is difficult when we want to be known and to have connection and to be a contribution). You were born resilient and driven--wonderful!

[@kobra4422]

Wow that's so incredibly pathetic, she had to destroy such a small thing bringing you joy. It's incredible to be so petty.

[@LeiraHP]

Am glad she & the other people around ur life didn't destroy u & close u completely as to loose all desires. When parents do their worse, u know u can't even let me know in ur signals that u like or feel well with anythg or anyone. They can reach this levels of enclosing u/strangulament/destruction when they THEY BOTH want to destroy u COMPLETELY, & when & only if, every other adult in ur life wants to do the same or not shield u/prevent even a bit; same for many or most of the peers/minors like u if they also want to mistreat u,disregard u or not validate u with words & some actions about ur family.

[@Sum1else365]

My father did a similar thing to me. He would criticise the types of job I had. It made me feel worthless so I would keep changing jobs to not feel bad about myself. I have had a lot of jobs now. I went no contact to stop being criticised so I could try to feel good about myself. I feel defeated and don't actually care about life anymore.

[@coach_amy]

​ @Sum1else365 I can relate to feeling defeated... Do you have a therapist or have you tried a support group? (Codependents Anonymous or Adult Children of Alcoholics, etc?)

[@coach_amy]

I think it's so important for us scapegoats to find support on scapegoating specifically. Plus, gaslighting, exploitation, and smear campaigning. I'm searching for a support group specifically geared to those areas of abuse. A big part of my trauma is not being believed (let alone, not being related to). Not being able to interact with people on an on-going basis who understand it, and being surrounded by superficiality, feels like being re-traumatized over and over again. It took decades to reprogram my parents' message that I have mental problems and talking to me is like walking on eggshells. I know I haven't fully gotten rid of that inner critic in my subconscious. I think my survival efforts are made even more difficult from being up against this inner critic and core shame. *Edited to add: I just learned from a video by Rebecca C. Mandeville that being a scapegoat of a narcissistic family is a special kind of abuse. And is different than "just" being the scapegoat. She said narcissistic families are like cults with shared psychosis ...

[@LeiraHP]

I want to say somethg & I don't mean to put u down. WHEN THEY SAY *WE HAVE MENTAL PROBLEMS*, FOR THEIR GAIN & OUR DAMAGE, WE DO. SEE, THOSE OF US WHOM HAVE BEING HURT BY ATTACHMENTS FIGURES & SOMETIMES ATTACK BY EVEN OTHERS IN SOCIETY WILL DEVELOP MENTAL PROBLEMS, WOUNDS, ISSUES. NOW THE QUESTIONS IS who caused them? who put those problems in us? WHAT THEY WANT TO MEAN WHEN THEY SAY THAT IS: U R SICK, U HAVE DEFORMINITIES,PROBLEMS, and they came from you(we didn't put them there. They want to make u believe that since those problems NOW,r located on/in u, them they came from u,& also since they r in/on u, they r urs to take care of.) The question is WHO CREATED THOSE PROBLEMS. In these cases we speak they did, they started them, even if later they form a part of us & have a repercussion throughout life,which they also know,they have to put/seed them in to a point, & then they grow on themselves from there like plants or snow balls. So what they do is they burn u & then say: u r burnt,like it came from u. They cut u & then say: u r cut, u r lacking a piece of skin, like that came from u. When is just the result of their actions to u/on u. They want u to be damage, so they cause u damage since they know it will always produce some damage. Then, they have u with 2 problems: the fact that they damage u & the fact that now u r damage & u have to try to fix ur damage, which will never be as if there had no been one. & so they can go: o if u have a problem with all us then u r the one who HAS a problem, because we all don't have problems (like that, i say) with each other. & then u can tell urself: yes now I have a problem that didn't came from me though, u all put it there.& the reason u all don't have as much problem with each other is because u haven't being destroy as much/the same as I have been n by u

[@christiebrkt]

I feel this

[@Lyrielonwind]

I have heard that narcissists struggle with psychosis before and I believe it. Same about the narcissistic family being a cult. Scapegoating has been the way to "fix" problems within a group from ancient times and I believe human sacrifices were the results. Human scapegoats offered as sacrifices to gods such as Baal and others, weren't the ugliest, the oldest or the wicked ones; they were the innocent and usually without any physical flaws. Those could be from babies to the most beautiful girl or handsome boy. Never the chieftain or the shaman. The old and the sick ones would be pass away naturally. They wouldn't offer the gods "bad material". Besides, envy is always at the core of any narcissist.

[@jessluck6583]

This is a great video! Thank you. For a long time I wondered where “the dread” feeling I have all the time is coming from. Even when I am trying to do something fun I feel complete dread about it when getting ready or planning for it and I just shut down and procrastinate. To be fair it is something my parent experiences too so maybe they learned this from their own parents and have offloaded it onto me. Basically things I like and are good at get ignored, or put down, or seen as a threat that takes my time and attention away from the parent. Then I feel disregulated and anxious and start to fail or take on too much of the thing I like out of anxiety and am not able to maintain it. A healthy parent would enjoy that I am good at things and have interesting hobbies and have my own life. Also related: as an independent and competent adult (for decades I’ve learned not to rely on anyone and that my accomplishments don’t really matter to my family, but in the past few years I’ve had some unforeseen struggles) I’ve learned that me having any sort of problem is an intrusion for them. If you don’t do it their way and stop talking about it, there is no value in any other method. They pretend to be experts in situations they have no experience in (like law, estate planning, freelancing in my job field etc). They don’t want to be bothered. They don’t have empathy and they don’t like how me having problems makes them feel. It’s a burden for them. However if a neighbor has a similar issue they help them and take an interest and are sure to let me know. They ironically want me to do well so I don’t burden them with any emotional or physical needs. Me doing well (having no problems) also reflects positively on them as parents. But if I spend my *time* on things I enjoy that they perceive as something that limits me spending time with them, they try to make me feel like I am a bad daughter or doing something wrong. Some examples would be having an elderly pet with complex medical issues that limited my ability to travel for a few years (not just to see them but all vacations etc). Ironically, my parents are vegan animal lovers but saw the animal as an excuse to not see them and something I should not spend money on or worry about. When I did spend money on a sitter (for a previous pet that had end stage cancer) so I could travel to see my also dying grandmother, that was not okay either and seen as a waste of money. Being good at plants and having a lot of plants is something not worth my time and for some reason a barrier to time spent with them. If I like to swim or surf they try to ruin it by getting over the top worried or telling me how dangerous it is and that I shouldnt do it. It’s like one-downing me constantly no matter what I do in an attempt to make me feel unsure so that I listen to what they want me to do. It’s all control for managing their own emotions and needs and your personhood and the effect it has on you is not relevant. It also leaves a very narrow interface and type of love that a child can express to the parent that the parent can even understand so that they feel loved. Like basically they see your interests as unloving towards them. They can’t experience joy so they are uncomfortable with you experiencing joy. They want to make you anxious and doubt yourself so you stop doing those things and rely on them, yet they don’t want to be relied upon themselves. If you need something you are a problem. They want you to funnel up your energy to them. They like parenthood as an identity and a mask but it’s also a burden. They don’t really enjoy being a parent to a being who grows up to separate from them.

[@age93]

The mental illness belief stuck out to me. Along with the scapegoat role, I was the identified patient. If mental illness was a big part of your narrative, I suggest looking into that role.

[@nickdesmone]

I'm pursuing theater and my love of performing that I was engineered away from when I was close to my family - my use of my gifts threatened the illumination that they sold out on theirs - it's incredible how strong so many of us are to continue on despite all of the antagonistic pressure we experienced for most of our lives - thanks for another gem, Jay

[@MissOdyssey-n1w]

I was electronically harrassed because the narcassistic abusers lost access to me in person. This was their attempt after destorying what I liked in my physically life to preemptively strike and try rto remove the "safe spaes" I had in my own mind or online. It was also used to try make me break up with relationships that brought me joy because my joy was so distasteful to them. It took power away from the notion that I could ever be desirable especially by the opposite sex.

[@alethea6781]

I hope you have blocked this person

[@twelvetoes-e9n]

I have had an on and off relationship with my creative self my whole life. When it is on people around me are genuinely blown away by what I accomplish, and I kind of am too because I have to work "outside myself" to finish anything. I have a distinct memory of when this separation came about. My sometimes enabling sometimes supportive mother gave me a set of paints because she new I loved art. So I started painting, It became the only safe space I had for my emotions. I quickly started to excell and was soon displaying paintings in school and applying to shows and showing in coffee shops. My Narc stepdad bursted in my room one day on one of his normal fits of rage and grabbed all my paintings and ripped them up, while telling me that I should just be doing math homework instead (a subject that I struggled with.) I tried to blow it off and was even later accepted into a prestigous art school where I kept studying painting, but I had to drop out because it was extreemly expensive and I had no support from my family and was surviving on minimum wage jobs. I felt that I had become the worthless artist than my stepdad wanted me to become. I have tried to return to painting several times in life but only get so far before I back out, due to being shattered with fear.

[@Lyrielonwind]

I like writing and I feel incapable.

[@Hippowdon121]

It's ok, take it slow, doesn't matter whether you are painting or not but when you're safe you'll slowly, slowly do it more and more, even though it's scary

[@purplepheasant4776]

You could take out loans for school

[@laurabarber6697]

I felt that. I wasn't allowed to take art by my green beret colonel dad. Yet when he retired he became an artist. WTF? I have an entire room full of well organized jewelry making supplies that I am frozen from taking the next step and making. I channeled my creativity into becoming a dental technician sculpting teeth. Then all 4 licenses in cosmetology. Never once did he or his mom- my only nearby family - come to the school for me to do services on. I went to school on a government grant. I've owned 2 💈 Barber shops. Hair is sculpting in my mind. Both my parents have been dead for over almost 20 years yet I still frozen by their disapproval and lack of support. His post really helped me see the dynamic of my narcissist parents. We need to give ourselves permission to be creative and happy. 💝🙏🏻💝From my heart to yours!

[@twelvetoes-e9n]

@@laurabarber6697 I understand! Thanks for sharing. It has been so hard to understand these blocks for my self and for the people in my life. I dont even like to talk about my plans to do something because people just think I'm lying if I freeze up somewhere in the process and dont finish it. It just looks like I want to fail and it is impossible to comprehend for a normal person who did not have their motivation twisted into a noose that they were then threatened with. My best advise is to go into where your jewelery supplies are, and work on one small part of a piece for a short period of time. Then take a walk to shake off any built up anxiety. Then, most importantly and this is actually monumentally difficult, do it again. Repeat this process for as short of times and as many times as you feel it is necessary until going in there to work feels normal. Its like the fear is so massive, so primal to make work that genuinely reflects yourself, you have to chip away at it bit by bit, as if you were making a stone spearhead or an arrowhead. If you try to just go full force it will break the whole stone and you have to start over. (I'm thinking about how I need to take my own advise as I'm writing this LOL.) good luck and happy hunting, your visions are waiting for you to find them.

[@patrick8116]

Thank You. This explains why I lost all ambition so early that I can't even remember it.

[@streaming5332]

Guilt guilt guilt.... It's true you have to hide everything, every holiday you go on, every friend you make, every last thing. Once they find out what you've been doing it will become common knowledge for all to know. Aaah Brizo leaving already... not his cup of tea!

[@Lyrielonwind]

I'm not sure but I think it's brezo which is the Spanish name for heather. Not that I asked Jay.

[@TheBleepings]

These videos are so impactful. Simply having someone speak the truth of what someone's experience was, is so powerful. Simply listening to these, watching these videos makes me feel known. Someone (Jay) knows what i personally went through. Someone is speaking to what happened to me and calling it wrong. And that makes me feel better. Especially when for years I was silenced, I was invalidated, and didn't know/couldn't put a name to what I was going through (narcissistic abuse). I may never have the chance to actually meet Jay but these videos alone are God's work. In a weird way Jay knows me better than my own mother. Thank you, Jay, for what you do, you've changed my life.

[@safeeffective385]

Unwilling to put in the effort required to build genuine self esteem (by doing the basics that others are willing to work on, like meditation/prayer, eating right, getting exercise, pursuing goals/hobbies, daily affirmations, etc)… NPD's gain their (fake AF) sense of self worth by crushing/collapsing the self worth of others.

[@nidhiempaynado1018]

This is so eye opening!!! I am currently dancing around reclaiming ALL OF MY DESIRES that have been put down in my life, from my wonderful husband to my beautiful hair and so many other things, it is a very long list! Thank you for this and all your videos, I so appreciate your work. 🙏💃

[@laurabarber6697]

My snotty aunt snidely said " Some people I'm this family wear their hair too long for their age!" I was 45 at that time and the only female with long hair - to my bra line. I only saw her every 10-20 years so why she had to say that to me was strange. Well it's 23 years later and my hair is down to my wrists! I get compliments and I love it!💝 PS I haven't seen her in 23 years and I'm fine with that!🎉

[@mianoel24]

I would like once and for all to be ok to be nobody to no one and finally be free.

[@tiffanyjohnson8679]

It's never going to work because it's not the truth. I think our minds don't accept it because the very air we breathe disputes that we are equal and worthy ♥️

[@mianoel24]

Omg thank you for this gem of truth 🙏

[@LindsayLoo-q5d]

I was very artistic as a child. I’ve been trying to rekindle this, now in my 50s, and I’m finding it complicated, due to intense fear comes over me when I try to do art. And it has slowly dawned on me as a realization that it’s rooted in childhood. And I remember, for example, as a teenager, bringing home a sculpture I had made in an art class at school, and my mother had said it was so ugly and scary looking that she didn’t want it in the house.

[@coach_amy]

So sad. Have you considered the art therapy route? Either as a client or as a teacher?

[@LindsayLoo-q5d]

Yes thank you for that comment. I think the art therapy thing sounds good. I am considering it…. Just working with my fears in order to do that. I hope with time that I will become my artistic self again.

[@coach_amy]

@@LindsayLoo-q5d Have you heard of Internal Family Systems (IFS)? I think you could incorporate that work ("parts" work / inner child parts) with doing art--healing the teenager part of you.

[@coach_amy]

@@LindsayLoo-q5d Have you heard of Internal Family Systems (IFS)? I think you could incorporate that work ("parts" work / inner child parts) with doing art--healing the teenager part of you.

[@coach_amy]

Have you heard of Internal Family Systems (IFS)? I think you could incorporate that work ("parts" work / inner child parts) with doing art--healing the teenager part of you.

[@Lisa-t1n7l]

Narc parents never have a kind word for their scapegoat kid. Now you know why. I just can't understand why more of them aren't in prison.

[@anita10674]

I think they know where the line is, they don't cross it. My parents definitely knew. That was my first clue that they DEFINITELY know that what they are doing is wrong!

[@Lisa-t1n7l]

@@anita10674 I agree. Most narcissists are calculating enough to know when to stop, though some will abuse children physically and leave bruises. Not all narcissists are all that clever. They just fly off the handle and beat the kid. But most know how to cover their tracks. These narcs are particularly evil. Some parents have not a single iota of love for their children. Society doesn't want to recognize that.

[@Lyrielonwind]

It's a taboo, especially if the narcissist is your mother. People will look at you horrified if you say something bad about her. To them it sounds like a blasphemy. They know what they do and they are careful and try to hurt you without witness and indoors. Covert narcissists are the worst because they are the greatest actors and no one would believe you because they are just "wonderful".

[@sheilawilliams9080]

​@Lyrielonwind yes, this is so true! "But she's your mother." But she's also my worst enemy...unless you have this experience, you can't understand the trauma and abuse. Finally, through social media, we know we're not alone and have the information to begin to heal. Best wishes.

[@sheilawilliams9080]

​@@Lisa-t1n7lsocial isolation is a common tactic. My covert Narcissistic mother was estranged from her family (her decision) and there were no witnesses to her shaming, blaming and criticizing. When she was diagnosed with beginning stages of Alzheimers, and living in an assisted living retirement home, she was no longer able to isolate. During one of my visits, she spoke to me in her usual critical, demeaning manner. One of the residents who was sitting nearby said, "Why do you talk to your daughter like that?" It was the first time in my life (I was in my 50's) that anyone was a witness to her behavior. I was actually confused because I had been so used to her anger that I had "normalized" being a scapegoat.

[@ttakamiorama]

I love that this stuff comes up in my feed.

[@diana5898]

Did this one ever hit home!

[@anewlifestirring]

Very helpful Thank you

[@Hippowdon121]

A year or two ago I met my grandparents, they asked what I'm up to, and I said I like to go bouldering in my free time. They said, "that's funny, because you were always afraid of heights because you always want to be in control". 😅🤣 What kind of person even says that 🙄🙄🙄

[@laurabarber6697]

People who are not your friends!💝🙏🏻💝

[@bristolcorvid8894]

Jay is a super resource on so many levels. Unfortunately, this video is wide of the mark - as it pertains to the efficacy and benefit of therapists. My experience with psychiatrists, psychologists and masters-level providers have been laughably bad. And from my work life - the worst group I ever supported was an academic medical center’s practice of psychiatrists. I’ve never encountered a more vile, amoral collection of people… Jay: Any useful pointers that don’t showcase seeking therapy would be helpful. While this video wasn’t helpful for me - the “seek therapy from a therapist” part - the rest of the video was at your usual, exceptionally high standard. Thank you for all that you do. You are thoughtful, insightful and kind person.

[@Gabriela-jo7mg]

God bless you.

[@mediacreations5996]

I feel anxious whenever I enjoy myself, almost like I’m always doing something “wrong”. I am still however pursuing fun activities to overcome these feelings. My family has a history of dull and serious faces without even the ability to smile. So I surround myself with smiles when I can😀Thanks Jay🙏This is another very helpful video.Always appreciate your work. Have a fun filled 🤹‍♂️weekend.Sending you and Brizo 🐕many blessings 🦋🌈✨

[@tmking7483]

Thanks for the validations

[@Spitfireseven]

This was a really great metaphorical video. It's funny how just the video itself can have a therapeutic effect. It did on me today. Perhaps a session of meditation provided the ideal ground for this information to sink in. Regardless, it had a better than expected impact on me today. The idea of a child being denied all those important experiences in growing hit home. My father, as a boy in England, got a penny and an orange for Christmas. I think he had five siblings and they all got the same thing. Try to imagine this kind of person as a parent. It was desperate, sometimes violent and very weird at best. It is nice to share this today.

[@N2MyGroove]

I really appreciate you, your presentation style & the sage insights you have chosen to share. It’s so niche based and surprisingly valuable, despite my 59 years of age. Thank you 🙏 ❤

[@freebird189]

Can I ask for help from the comments section ? This video is so true, I slowly started forgetting what made me happy because I had to make sure I wasn’t happy. All of the things I liked or happily / excitedly discussed was reprimanded and knocked down. My question is : how do you get back in touch with your self and understand what you EVEN LIKE? and brings you joy ?

[@InfiniteMindset99]

Meditation is great because you have to sit with yourself, get to know the real you, and deal with all the things that will bubble up. Guided meditations are gentle - Gil Fronsdal & Tara Brach plus some of the Buddhist ones with one focus - sit everyday and journal. 😊 you will heal

[@rachelmaxwell5953]

I think “emotional literacy” is a great step to tune into your feelings (check out Richard Grannon). Plus EFT tapping to process the difficult trapped emotions that will come up from attempting to change this pattern (plenty of videos on KZbin). Good luck! 👍🌸

[@coach_amy]

I have found that expecting myself to find what I like (let alone the humongous leap to feeling "joy") has been too much pressure to put on myself. (There are things I automatically do like/love, but are somewhat out of my control, such as deep communication with another person and coaching. But besides that...). Instead, you could make the focus be "What makes me feel stronger? What gives me more energy? What makes me feel more rested? What helps me to be calmer?" etc. Focus on how you want to feel. For me, those things end up being self-care. Exercise, decent food, picking up a room or an area in a room, completing an errand or a task, letting myself sleep in, etc. This kind of trauma, I've found, can make self-care seem so difficult, like we're not worth taking care of (running an errand for, cooking for, and so forth); and it's especially lonely doing life alone. So finding a way to feel proud of myself for doing these things has been really helpful as I slowly convince myself I'm worth it.

[@rachelmaxwell5953]

@@coach_amy Oh you ARE worth it!!!! Absolutely!!!! 👍 🌸💕

[@freebird189]

@@coach_amy that’s brilliant advice

[@mistakenmillenial6834]

Jay, this is gold. So thankful for your insights and clarity.

[@lindekarr4715]

❤ great summary of the experience. Tragic but true, we surrender and yet the torture treatment continue. Scapegoats run out of creativity by having to constantly invent new strategies and workarounds to cope.

[@rababelhamam1582]

I had a totally different experience with the therapist, she was demeaning towards everything I wanted or practiced it was all healthy choices. I was triggered very badly

[@skyedreams28]

Thank you. I can sense the experience of everything, or directly relate. Siblings adopt and project this distorted entitlement onto the scapegoat. I have one specific example I won’t share here, however it has been gut wrenching to process and go through and the straw that broke the camels back to permanently sever the relationship with the sister just above me in age. Each sibling has delivered their straw in the last three years-it’s freeing and grievous.

[@Momofone1982]

I have been feeling very depressed lately and it seems like my parents are much happier. When I was happier them they seemed pretty upset and mean to me

[@laurabarber6697]

Give yourself a BIG HUG! Allowing yourself this awareness is a huge step in the right direction 💝🎉💝 Know you are not alone.

[@Momofone1982]

@@laurabarber6697 thanks so much 💗

[@Momofone1982]

@@laurabarber6697 thanks so much 💗

[@Momofone1982]

@@laurabarber6697 thank you!

[@Momofone1982]

@@laurabarber6697 thank you!

[@percubit10]

I kept telling my parents that it is important to enjoy life and have fun, even as an adult.

[@stanleydrive740]

Dear Mr. Reid, your words in this video feel like medicine for my heart! Sending you a hug🧡☺️🧡

[@Kathleensophiacitrine888]

This is one of the most important videos I have ever seen. This explains so much for me that has had me looping. Wow. Thank you Jay. 💛💎☀️

[@InfiniteMindset99]

Another brilliant video Jay! For me, it is a triple hit; hidden desire to appease the parent thereby not knowing yourself/authenticating, and refusal of those that pretend to love you. Also, finding your true self after this huge awareness and trauma.

[@juliepoole2678]

I find all of the videos extremely helpful with great strategies included.Working through the trauma if being the scalegoat which diesnt end with childhood is very difficult especially when you recignize patterns if behavior directly linked to the abuse .Beung the victims m of family mobbing,being oushed out of yhe family and rventually disunherited while being blamed for self estranging has really crushed my soul...with these videos l feel thst l am veginning to find nd oeace and ways to reclaim myself.

[@carlorizzo827]

ThankU Jay. A heavy one, hitting hard. My greatest desire since earliest days was death. The family experience was so painful & violent death seemed the only relief. I'm old now, miracle I did not succumb. As I collected reasons to stay alive, the question became what do I desire 2nd or 3rd-most, y'know, after death. I'm glad I stuck around, changes occurred I never imagined possible. Death wish is an easy wish to have, as sooner or later we get our wish lol

[@BronwynneBessette-v7s]

I’m glad you’re still here.

[@laurabarber6697]

My boss just pulled this in me. I needed to miss 2 hours of work for a class I DEARLY wanted to attend that only happens once a year. Even seeing my happiness she gave me an ultimatum - miss the ckass or consider yourself "resigned"! Yet no other person on the team was ever presented that consequence regardless of what they had done. I'm a senior and decided to chose myself and my happiness. Yes I was " resigned"! Now her last text was worded " since you left suddenly and without notice"!😂😂😂 Gaslighting. She presented the pick- your- poison options. Then when i pick one of her options- she flips the script and blames me for the outcome. I was NOT going to be emotionally blackmailed or bullied out of what matters to me. Just like home all over again except i stood up for my happiness. I'm now unemployed live alone with my 2 dogs. Her last text PROVED to me that i made the right decision and am much better off being out of that toxic environment. Your post explains this narcissist dynamic beautifully! Thank you!💝 I wish I could be counseled by you!

[@BronwynneBessette-v7s]

Get away from people like that no matter the cost. I will only work for myself now.

[@Mysticus11]

So helpful, these dynamics are so hard to understand and the clarity is a step toward reclaiming desire without the danger ⛔️🌀

[@staceys173]

Much gratitude for you and your video. It is powerful and healing. Thank you .

[@MrRicehard]

I don't have a therapist as my local mental health services refuse to offer any help other than pharmaceutical drugs that make them money.

[@LindsayLoo-q5d]

Yep

[@eyeonrecovery8319]

Great video, Jay!

[@10Hags5]

Thanks for the video At school my friends voted me to lead them and I really enjoy leadership. But I told my guardian once or twice about it and they were uninterested... she said "how can people vote someone like you to lead them" .I expected encouragement and validation from her.

[@jothriny]

Jay, thank God you exist and make these videos. 🙏 I would like to ask you, would you please make a video about the thought/behavioural patterns scapegoats exhibit later in life in groups and what is the mechanism that they themselves scapegoat themselves from the groups or trigger the groups to be again scapegoated? Thank you!🙏

[@davecopp9356]

You are so on point about the family dynamics. Amazing. I recognize so many patterns. Thank you.

[@katjadietrich6087]

Are there any online support groups...with this therapist or others that anyone has worked with? Specifically on this topic. I see how these dynamics operated with my parents & myself..as well as with at least 2 of my older siblings. I am the youngest of 5 and am just now getting why I continually would abandon myself..my interests, minimize my gifts..eventually being an alcoholic. I have 18 years of sobriety now and am so willing to find my way out of this maze of dysfunction.

[@firefly4704]

Of all your videos, this is the one that resonated with me most. However, I think you should add that if your therapist is not acting like the one ypu've described, get out! Bad therapists are worse than none at all. Even "good" ones frequently know so little about narcissism and scapegoat abuse that they also do more harm than good. Why not start a new "section" (chapter) in each video called "How might therapy help?" and then discuss without the global statements that might cause therapy newbies to think all therapists are good? I wish someone had warned me that some therapists are narcs and if you feel battered by them, leave. I assumed for years that it was my fault, or that therapy had to hurt to work, etc. because I was the "low status", "defective" patient. Recreated the family abuse.

[@MaybejustNarbe]

I want to have compassion on my mom and grandmother, but they are genuinely terrible people. I will be leaving this year and will never have to deal with this insanity ever again thank god. And will be telling them to fck themselves. They abused and isolated me for years, and I can’t wait for Karma to catch up with them. They stole my friends, my health, my relationships, my love for myself. I feel afraid because I don’t know if 34 is too old to heal, find myself, have a partner and a child. But I’m thankful to the universe that I haven’t given up in my attempts to gain my life back.

[@CurtisMoe]

Thanks again Jay

[@tessellatiaartilery8197]

Excellent advice and so kindly conveyed as always. Thank you so much for your wonderful channel and great work helping us. 😊

[@ClickTrain]

Tremendously helpful. Thank you!

[@sayusayme7729]

Thank you so much. So helpful

[@cindyc]

Truly accurate 💯

[@nonawolf7495]

I don't know what makes me happy... I think it's too late for me.

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

Thank you Jay- so much.

[@Maddy-5.A]

My favorite Toy my stuffed lion I would run to after school, disappeared. My play piano made me cry too much, that too disappeared 😢 No, until this day she cannot tolerate any one I call a friend . I admit I've had to lie a lot to keep her happy😞

[@stanleydrive740]

Hi, I hear you! Your experiences are mine too! I never understood before. My narc mom took things I loved & hid them in a closet. I only found them decades later, after she passed on. It so hurt. And I took had to lie to keep her happy. I couldn't bring friends home, it was too dangerous. I so hear you🧡

[@Maddy-5.A]

Thanks😊

[@BronwynneBessette-v7s]

My mother did the same to me all the time. Anything nice, or that I esp loved, or I had saved money for, or a special present, she would take from me and put in her “special closet” that had a big lock on it. I also found all my things many years later when they were moving house to go to FL. I had forgotten about it until I read your comment.

[@BronwynneBessette-v7s]

I so wish I could get your lion back. I am crying just thinking of that because I know how awful that was.. I wish I could send you a special lion right now.

[@Maddy-5.A]

@@stanleydrive740 Sorry, I noticed I commented Thank you, not on your comment. I truly suck at this. Thank you for your comment, big hug❤️

[@rachelcarson9967]

Thank you Jay.

[@thetruth3325]

First the parent and once there was a divorce, the golden child takes over the narrative they have to impose

[@juneelle370]

Another great one, so well explained! Really “getting” that some people “get off” in one way or another on another’s suffering-to the point that they will cause it all while weaponizing people’s empathy/pretending to care is a bitter pill to swallow-about family and just humanity in general. I don’t think there’s a bigger, worse truth to take in… because even through it’s true, like all evil (non-love) it doesn’t make sense to people who don’t want to hurt anybody and in fact was manipulated by that fact… because yes , some people act like someone feeling good makes them feel bad. This terrible truth is true though and so, freeing. Reality orients us ~ it’s necessary for navigation. I read something yesterday that struck me in a good way…. self-love isn’t vanity, it’s sanity. SELF-LOVE is SANITY ❤️ the moral compass of truth and love, includes ourselves and the duties/response-abilities to ourselves are different than the duties to others. Slave-makers (mental, spiritual kind) mess with your moral compass 🧭 because what they can shame/guilt, they can control. It’s a strange paradoxical feeling to be free but also waking up to the sad reality of humanity… any help for the world has to integrate all this truth/ pain without shame… that’s how so many people became abusive in the first place… projected shame :(

[@こなた-m1o]

SO much wisdom and realness in this comment. thank you for this. i'm saving it.

[@rascallyrabbit]

Jay is a good person and therapist, but some are not......my friend's therapist had a sexual relationship with her husband who was in therapy with her in marriage counseling. trust but verify. some therapists are really a mess themselves.

[@LindsayLoo-q5d]

So true. I’ve had damaging events occur from therapists too.

[@mysticsuzi]

AND if you think you are in the clear after the parents die, guess again. My siblings did quite a number on my BF and his parents and me at the last thanksgiving I ever attended. Apparently they did not like my happiness so they just killed it all at one family function. Amazing. I left that day and no more contact is ever going to happen. I am 100% free.

[@letgobandit]

put titled chapters in your videos.

[@lindarosas8457]

❤

[@girlSAVANT]

😭😭😭😭😭😭

[@spartan1857]

You want an apple? Why? Why do you want that book? Why two sugars? Why do you like football? Bla bla bla. Love and choices dont need a reason. My brother did this to me a lot. Since family is implictly trusted, you sacrifice what you love for someones else's order. Happiness is attacked. Gotta get away from these guys. Tell them nothing.

[@michaelhellerslien1602]

Dont think its a good idea to have therepists reparent people.

[@janettemartin4604]

Though a “caring parent” HAS TO take away certain dangerous things that make the “CHILD “ Happy! Like dangerous online pedofile’s and drug loving FRIENDS! I raised a compulsive lying stepchild that hid EVERYTHING from me,,,,,,,,UNTIL it blew up in her FACE then she used me to get her ass out of the messes that she made! So some teenagers that hear this need to be able realize most parents that try to keep safety measures in place are NOT bad parents!

[@juneelle370]

Some thoughts on this ~ Lots of abuse takes place under the guise of “protection”, all kinds of systems, from families to governments. I agree kids need protection - it all depends on how and why things are done. If the child/teen is given love, care and respect and natural precociousness and independence isn’t shamed but encouraged towards healthy self-directed things as well as protections explained and put in place-absolutely great and commendable. Nobody wants even good things shoved down their throats with disrespect. You could even ruin someone’s love for chocolate 🍫 if you held them down and forced it down their throat. So many people love to control other people for their own lack/sense of power-and kids are an easy target. And what you can effectively and falsely guilt/shame, you can control. Humans destructively create so many forms of slavery… and as I’ve heard said, the best slaves are the ones who don’t know/understand their position. I saw a video of a father who told his daughter lights out/go to bed every night knowing that she was staying up with the flashlight reading… and he said, she never guessed he was the one always making sure the batteries were full 😂 I loved that 🔦~ I call it structured disobedience. Kids shouldn’t be raised to simply “obey” without question whoever has power over them-that will not serve them in LIFE. Kids should be able to make autonomous decisions, even ones that go against the parents will, to encourage-autonomy! Conscious parenting would be explaining the dangers so kids know what things are *actually* important (not a power trip) to take heed of for their own benefit and safety because in the end, the choice is theirs and if they’re over-controlled, they can be driven to bad decisions just for the sake of feeling independent! And the areas that are actually important for them to take heed of, need to be taught over and over, in different ways, until they GET IT… and done with caring, not controlling energy. I mean the proof is in the pudding, isn’t it? Better to accept the truth and tell the kid the power IS in their hands, better to explain it with love and care and fully explained limits rather than set up a power-play scenario, low self esteem etc, rebellion that harms their own interests. Guide them towards their own adventures instead of forcing them into just having to get away from how they are made to feel in the dynamic.

[@AnnK.-vu2yp]

@@juneelle370 thanks for saying this. All my spidey senses were going off.