Self-Consciousness in Scapegoat Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse

[@janettemartin4604]

My LORD it was announced DAILY by all my FAMILY how BAD I was! I had absolutely NO chance of not feeling any other way!

[@dio69666]

Same

[@martialmusic]

I was told the same. They were wrong!

[@amarbyrd2520]

The CONSTANT CRITICISM

[@kshaw9179]

This /\

[@jessicadora7213]

Literally, nothing but criticism. Or pointing out very minor successes, while ignoring real accomplishments, which ends up feeling like backhanded compliments (put-downs).

[@ekkamailax]

"woah woah.. no need to be so sensitive. why do you think we are criticising you? We're just joking. Why can't you take a joke? You just ruin everyone's fun. Learn to stop taking yourself so seriously. You have such thin skin. If you want us to be serious around you and not joke around then we can try to do that, if that makes you feel better."

[@jordane8526]

Nagging

[@HeartFeltGesture]

Criticizing, shaming, belittling, emasculating, infantilizing, ostracizing, humiliating, abandoning......

[@elizabethbryan7601]

I was dubbed The Ugly Duckling. I had crossed eyes and buck teeth. I was constantly getting fixed as a small child. My personal mantra has been “What's wrong with me? What have I done now?” I am 78 years old and have just realized I am the scapegoat in my family of origin. Maybe I was even adopted and raised in the wrong family.

[@amivanzyl8876]

you were raised by the wrong family even if they were biologically related. they were the wrong family because they did not nurture you like a family should. I'm sorry. all us scapegoats are so much more than we were told.

[@georgecrow5642]

Really evil behavior.

[@ekkamailax]

I can relate. My natural facial expressions were constantly mocked . “Gosh! You look so serious” “Why aren’t you smiling you look so serious” “Gosh your friend Andrew has such a nice smile why do you always look so uptight” “Mr serious” “Why do serious? No one’s going to want to be around you with that face” “Gosh you just look so unnatural you need to relax” “My god when you play the piano you look so stiff and serious. When Andrew plays he moves his body so freely” “Gosh (X celebrity) has such a charming smile. You are just Soooo serious.” “Let’s take a photo. Just please try not to look so serious”

[@sage9836]

I was in an undisclosed step parent adoption. I was constantly made fun of. My feet too big, my knees compared to malformed breasts, my weight - told I was too fat at the same weight. Called "Bucky Beaver." I begged for braces. Never got them.I did look at a bunch of people's knees and found out that my knees were the same as anybody's. This was too much for a kid. Narcissists are a nuisance. Anyway, we are all God's kids.

[@ekkamailax]

@@sage9836 I'm curious - if you ever tried to stand up for yourself , were you told "you are so sensitive, why do you take things so personally"?

[@Mantras-and-Mystics]

Absolutely! I feel judged all the time, spend hours ruminating on how others perceive me - and wondering what more I can do to offset their dislike of me. I mean, I always assume that I'm judged negatively, perceived critically and that no-one likes me. 😢

[@kobra4422]

I am the same!

[@lapislazuliphoenix]

Me too!

[@gypsykings1406]

I know not everybody likes me, in fact I find It hard to be liked at all, however, I've been through the blessed process of not caring any more about this, life isn't a popularity contest for me. I've also found out that there are bunches of people that I dislike a lot as well and the more I feel rejected the farther I pull away. Sometimes, when needed, I can show my rejection towards my haters. It feels so good!

[@karenthompson5539]

I highly recommend Thais Gibson and the Personal Development School to help heal these beliefs. 💕

[@Mantras-and-Mystics]

@@gypsykings1406 Hoping to adopt this blessed state soon. 😊 I've tasted it a few times ... but then it goes. Trying to get disillusioned enough to stop seeking for attention and approval. Which is what it boils down to. Thanks for your comment! Of course, any tips would be helpful. 😬

[@janettemartin4604]

I recently watched one of those Judge KZbin videos where a MOTHER was trying to sue her adult daughter. The adult daughter on THAT DAY got a short chance to say how her Mother allowed her stepdad to FEEL HER UP! Then blamed it ALL on the adult daughter (who was a child at the time)! Anyway the suit was about money loaned to the daughter by the abusive stepfather AND he put a stipulation on the money saying “if you let me FEEL YOU IP you don’t owe me”! This the Mother was witness to. So I think it was the adult daughter just escaping all the crap that pissed them off and brought them to try and sue her! BUT after the Mom was explaining how bad of a teen she was and the Judge put two and two together he TOTALLY validated the adult daughter ON TV! It was SO AWESOME to see! He also dropped the Mothers case and said ,”GET THAT MOLESTER out of HERE!” 🎉 PEOPLE DO SEE! PEOPLE DO KNOW it’s NOT your FAULT!

[@3nrika]

Even though the damage will never be undone and a big part of the daughter's life has already been violated and non-consensually sacrificed, I hope she got generously compensated in the verdict and that the many witnesses and viewers learned something important from it. Most victims of narcissistic abuse don't get anything back.

[@adventureswithtara]

Wow cool! Thank you for sharing this story 🎉

[@GlowingOfAgeStory]

Judge Mathis. I watched that episode.

[@dio69666]

She's like my mom who always accused me of wanting to steal my dad from her, as he was molesting me as a child

[@amberfuchs398]

There was a lot of whiplash for me, where sometimes I was highly praised and complimented and other times I was torn down. There was no consistent "right way" to be, it all varied based on their current mood.

[@jessicadora7213]

Yes, this resonates. Looking back, the inconsistency of my childhood may be one of the biggest challenges I am still working to overcome.

[@karenf7280]

Yes!!! Thank you for this video! I have been incredibly self conscious my whole life. My mother was forever finding things wrong with me and my brother and father never contradicted her. I’m in therapy now and my therapist said he wants to help me unlearn that I was a “problem child.”

[@jmvwegnerpriest]

❤‍🩹

[@dorothybingham3205]

I always felt like, as a child, that everytime I was me, there was an invisible leash that pulled me back to the "required" position. I would like to feel me again, without that invisible leash pulling me back.

[@kobra4422]

This happened to me. Since I was 12 my mum shamed me for my weight. I gained weight due to hormonal issues and I was overeating bc I didn't receive any emotional nutriment. She physically forced me on the scale and shamed me. Later I've heard her sharing on the phone with her brother how fat I got. Finally I felt seen! I didn't even take any pics in my teens bc I felt so physically disgusting. I'd wear long pants in the summer bc I was so afraid of my mum examining my body and finding strechmarks. Only in my mid 20' I started liking my body and wear crop tops and shorts. Halleluyah!!! The weirdest thing that happened was, months ago I went to dietetician and I knew she will check my weight. Reminding my incident from 16 years ago with the scale, I wanted to lose more weight even though I was already slim/skinny. I wanted to make sure nobody will shame my weight again. I was very shocked when she told me I am underweight and need to gain weight. Later on I gained weight and the doctor gratulated me!!! It was so contradictory to my past experiences.

[@whitelinentrousers]

Body shaming is ridiculously pervasive in our culture. It's so devastating to the psyche.

[@girlSAVANT]

My mother told me I was fat when I weighed 108 lbs & always said everything was too tight & made me wear bigger clothes. Then of course, later I actually became fat. I still haven't lost the weight after all these years!

[@kevinmasterson5733]

OMG!! This is my story. My mother told me that I was "husky" when I was 10 years old. It made me incredibly self-conscious and made me introverted and awkward. When I then hit puberty at 11 and grew into my looks & started to get attention from girls much older than me, she put me down as not being "masculine".

[@jmvwegnerpriest]

❤‍🩹It's totally nonsensical for your mum to do that, she must be a broken person. My mum was and is the same. Now that I have an 8 year old boy I want to tell him all the time that he is perfect and beautiful. I try not to overdo it as I hear you can also make someone narcissistic by spoiling them haha. But you know what I mean, just want to make sure he never feels how my mum makes me feel. I'm sorry your mum was like that, love and courage to you 💞!

[@kevinmasterson5733]

@@jmvwegnerpriest thank you.

[@Kurzbraten]

Well, the reality is, when you come from an abusive household you keep it secret. When stuff came out about what happened to me and the current situation i was in, pretty much everybody ghosted me back then, because it was too marginal to take in i guess. one said "oh, you`re damaged goods" and one childhood friend remained and it turned out she read my patient file in secret when she took a job in the hospital where i was institutionalized for clinical depression. so, the inner feeling of being defective and keeping things secret turned out to be not that wrong in a way.

[@kirstenschweikert7181]

Thank you. There is so much harm done by narcissistic parents. I am 55 and still on my way to break free from negative images of myself due to my childhood.

[@jessicadora7213]

It is NEVER too late! I am there with you...

[@pamwatkins4855]

I find help in you and your dog

[@streaming5332]

Hear hear!

[@marygenius2041]

I'm sailing in new boat with a different captain ❤.. That is me with the support of this community ❤

[@christineplaton3048]

Yes. The narcissist is not good at creating the proper environment for a child to mature.

[@dark7angel456]

That's why I never felt/feel connected to anybody yet because of the harsh emotions that I felt/feel, always looking for ways to make me feel the worst... In order to deal with them I detach emotionally because they aren't human. They take what I love and they try to ruin it. Even if it's a pet. Some people just dont have Empathy.

[@mores5780]

60, trying. Outstanding Jay truly. I felt this way forever. Mom told people I was, proudly.

[@FireSilver25]

Omg this is so what I needed. My father often and fun of how deep my voice supposedly was when I was a baby and he’d mock me for as long as I allowed him in my life. My mother also made fun of how dirty I was and such. That was all so painful and hurtful. Glad I went NC with both of them, but it’s so annoying how they say they don’t know why I cut them out. I sent them emails and all that but they dismissed it as me being “crazy” or “witched”. Oh well.

[@stringcheeseofficial1977]

It's always wild to me when a parent berates their child for being "dirty" as if the parent isn't the one responsible for their kid's hygiene 🤔 or as if it's not normal for a little kid to get dirty playing outside 🤨

[@yanx007]

In the first 30 seconds you just nailed it. It's another genius video incoming. Thanks Jay!

[@yanx007]

Finished the video and this one is among the most helpful. Thanks!

[@frohsmohswainaksfst]

…another geniousnvideo… yes!

[@Embracetherandom]

Yes!!! I agree 100%

[@fuzbugg]

love your sweet napping dog. thanks once more Jay! genius

[@fugitivecolours998]

The dog makes the video feel even more healing 🐶

[@jessicadora7213]

Wow, at 6:25.... Thank you Jay! I can't stand hearing my mother say my name, and now I understand why! She often treated me as some kind of alien being. Things she noticed and would comment on about me were things that she saw as weird, or different. I now know I was just being a kid!

[@lapislazuliphoenix]

This answered so many questions and made me understand why my husband makes me feel so seen, but at the same time, accepted, loved, and safe! ❤ I don't have to hide from him. My life was so alone and lonely before him. I realized today how adrift I always felt, with no base of support in the world. I finally bought a house when I was 40! My mother never gave me anything but constant disapproval, which is what I expect from the whole rest of the world. I think I'm learning if that's what people think you expect from them that is what they will give you!! I need to learn how to teach people how to treat me. Thank you for this video Jay; you lay out everything so well, and make it understandable and relatable to me! 👏 I love your videos; they've been supremely helpful in getting freedom, happiness, and understanding what I lived with and how it made me. You are the other adult I never had, being a teacher/mentor for me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! You are amazing!

[@Embracetherandom]

Beautifully said! Jay has changed and saved my life. I loved it when you said he is the adult/mentor you never had. I feel exactly the same way! It brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing your story.

[@marysicola730]

I'm SO grateful to have found your videos!! 57 & trying to change is a bit...no words So, I appreciate yours!!❤

[@jreid-heal-narcissistic-abuse]

You are so welcome!

[@Andrea-lp4bb]

Just went back into Teaching this week in New Zealand 🇳🇿 (Early Childhood) after 25 years out of it. Had been a Nanny in between. By day 3 I fell apart in my Manager’s office crying. Saying I wasn’t up to the job. I felt self conscious & like everyone thought I was useless. Even though I was doing an amazing job & learnt 30 children’s names in 4 days. I am almost 50 years old. The pain never goes away.

[@carolynkepler2826]

I developed early(age11). I was called fat and comments were made about the size of my breasts. I was really embarrassed and ashamed of the way I looked. I had to wear “old lady” clothes because “normal” sizes didn’t fit me. I started dieting at 14. I have never been “normal “.

[@jmvwegnerpriest]

❤‍🩹I understand how you feel, but can you think of people you have known in your life who did not fit the "normal" looking criteria, not attractive as we judge it these days, and they are still somehow confident and emotionally intact? I sure know such people, so it must be to do with the messages we receive, how we end up feeling about ourselves.

[@Sparrow0514]

They are truly the most enlightening videos. Wow. I never understood why I was SO self-conscious until now. I did think it was my fault. Both parents horrible and project their abusiveness on to the other. On this particular point, my dad made me feel so uncomfortable being a tall blonde in the Philippines. He’s so accentuated how big I was how big my feet were what a big girl I was in my teenage years when I already felt awkward. He was constantly focused on my weight. All talked about was women as objects how beautiful this one was in the Playboy magazine how beautiful this one is in the movie, etc., and he was bringing Filipino women home from the red light district and I was just made to feel, I can’t even describe the misery.

[@streaming5332]

I was never tall enough for my mother's liking. No one else could care less. You were measured by your academic performance at school, not your height. I did well and was okay, but my mother made me feel defective. Later I found out my appearance was fine but I didn't appreciate my mother putting me through this rubbish and instilling a false belief.

[@rabbitcreative]

> You were measured by your academic performance at school, not your height. Parents should be loving their kids unconditionally. See Alfie Kohn.

[@eatingsushi3408]

I see you talking a lot about the scapegoat role in dysfunctional families but almost nothing on the lost child role. Would love to hear you talk about that more and how to heal.

[@river1722]

This video is so helpful, thank you ❤ yes, I’m working on releasing the nonsensical accusations. Sitting in my body as I truly am rather than being preoccupied with the false narratives has been an interesting challenge!!

[@debbiestclair2532]

Wow, this one is singing my song! I'm now 71 yrs old, yet I completely isolate myself. Several years ago I needed to move to a different state, away from my kids, and every thing I knew. I now live in a section 8 apartment building. When I first got here they had activities for all the residents. I tried to participate a few times in the beginning, before covid they had daily community meals. I went once or twice to eat, one of the ladies coordinating the lunch approached me toward the end to "criticize" me for blowing my nose in public at the table. I'm already Self conscious, and she totally embarrassed me. I had a bad car accident years ago, which left me medical issues, one of which is a sinus condition after shattering my face (thankfully my face does not look too bad, they did a good job!) Ever since the accident, I have needed to Masquerade as a normal person. The accident left me with a traumatic brain injuy and unable to work. But, I remain afraid to be around peoole, (pretending to be a normal person is exhausting!)

[@wasteland_oasis]

A beautifully eloquent message, thank you Jay for that ship metaphor. We do need to disengage with that lifelong struggle, where our parents fixed the match. We will never win it, and are much better off putting energy into living in the real world, where we are indeed worthy.

[@adventureswithtara]

Thank you for this! The clothes shopping & grandparent shaming story hits right in the spot, this actually happened to me, I was a size medium! I never realized it was a projection from my mom about her own weight, makes so much sense.., thank you! Also yes, I'm terrified that ppl will stop liking me once they get to know me, even though this is not my experience outside of my toxic family system..I just can't seem to shake it, hopefully one day.

[@imonlydancingsal1509]

Your dog is enjoying the learning

[@PerrySkyePhoenix]

Yep. You described my childhood experience perfectly. I still struggle, even at nearly 60 years old.

[@pedrohenriquedeoliveira5601]

thanks, Jay. your video's have been of great support. and that dog on the background ❤

[@Andrea-lp4bb]

The dog indeed is a very gorgeous added feature!

[@onewomancircus]

So well explained - thank you 🙏. I experienced this as a child, and the effects, well into adulthood. I'm also a therapist working with a young person with bdd and this learning will be very helpful.

[@neptunesdreams]

Just grateful that you are here helping me and others. Thank you, Jay.

[@lynellepieterse1492]

This video has meant so much to me. Thank you!

[@jreid-heal-narcissistic-abuse]

Glad it was helpful!

[@jessicadora7213]

I was repeatedly told that my mother was stunningly beautiful (which she was), while I was just "cute". When I was in elementary school, my father told me that he was much smarter than me. He would often say "If people really thought about it, they would never have children". I don't know what he meant by that, but to his child (me) all I felt was defective, unlovable, never cherished. Even when I was funny and charming as a kid, his way of laughing always felt like being laughed at or ridiculed, not being laughed with or appreciated for being fun or funny. On another note, when very young I told Dad I love the colors blue and green together. His retort: "Well, you'll never be an artist"! One of these days I am going to create a large beautiful piece highlighting the interactions of various greens and blues. That would be just about the most healing thing I could ever do in this life! ;0) Thank you so much Jay, for all of the support you provide with these insightful videos.

[@scarlett-rosealiviakensing7623]

You don't need to be famous to enjoy painting and for other people to appreciate your art! Please do your painting!

[@jessicadora7213]

@@scarlett-rosealiviakensing7623 Thank you Scarlett, I am motivated to get back into my artwork some day soon!

[@jessicadora7213]

@@scarlett-rosealiviakensing7623 Thank you for the encouragement!

[@3nrika]

Wow, Jay, that's exactly how I used to feel. There are still traces long after. I appreciate your work.

[@tjd7964]

Thanks Jay, more pieces of the puzzle.

[@Ibelieveinathingcalledlove]

This was hitting so close to home that I had to pause it after a minute and 46 seconds. I started hyperventilating. It’s hard work to uncover the reasons why we ended up the way we are.

[@Damoose39]

I had to wear husky pants as a kid and when my mom found out she kept teasing me and anyone who noticed the new pants she had to point out that it was husky size. Oddly enough my youngest brother had weight issues because of my mom feeding him sugar-water bottles as a baby/toddler, but if I said anything to him about being overweight I got smacked around. Glad I went no contact years ago but wish I realized all this sooner

[@mysticsuzi]

All your videos are so valuable. I have to go through them in small increments because I freeze a lot while you are describing scenarios or I just say OUCH. I try and journal after watching them but it takes time for my nervous system to calm down. Thank you Jay for saying all this painful stuff outloud that my inner child was never allowed to even think about.

[@lillysummer5590]

I have been searching for this answer forever it seems. Totally surprised at finding this miracle video here. Thank you 🙏 I thought being self-conscious was my fault and I kept trying to fix me. ❤

[@Embracetherandom]

Your video truly resonated with me. I want to express my deepest gratitude for sharing such impactful information. For over 40 years, I have struggled with extreme self-hate and an eating disorder. A particular statement that stood out to me was about being self-conscious to maintain closeness, as it feels like attachment. It made me pause and reflect, realizing that this might be the root of my issues. My loving and supportive husband is often puzzled when I express self-hate, and I am equally perplexed by my behavior. Despite being in a secure and loving relationship, I find myself stuck in this negative cycle. Your insights have brought clarity to my situation.

[@CurtisMoe]

My mom would aggressively pinch my sister's and my bellies and comment on our weight with the look of disgust and contempt on her face. I struggled with image issues even after losing and holding off over 60 extra lbs for over 10 years. Only the last few years have I become more comfortable after doing much healing work and therapy.

[@suzannebunbury2961]

Wonderfully helpful. Thank you soooooo very much.

[@727matty66]

My mother /grandmother/ sister shamed me for being to thin and made me extremely self conscious and I thought world looked at me the same way!!

[@juneelle370]

Wow! I love water/boat metaphors so much (think by them, live by them, created a game about them) and that one was SO great! We’re born onto a crazy carnival🏴‍☠️ ship, distorted funhouse mirrors everywhere, especially in the eyes of this “family” of pirates… who think you are born to be their servant~ most especially to their emotions/ego who want to use you to feel better than at all times… jealousies/envies you can’t even comprehend projected and a tender heart cares even for these strange pains we had nothing to do with but they try to make us responsible for… and it hurts to see them hurt so we try to do the dance they say doesn’t hurt them… but even our happiness or being ourselves invokes their rage… and even when they’re hurting us they’re blaming us… and as you say, the natural longing for connection wants to find a way somehow … but no family on this ship, no real relations just a tattery manipulationship… born into a demanded role from sadly demented minds, outfits, props and words/manner thrown at us that we better fit into or else! Play your part! Embody it! forget yourself (NO!) They want the Meisner technique 😂 to the point of annihilation of truth, of who you REALLY are, the soul GOD gave us!… they want us to forget and never experience, live or play in the part of YOU… I love the quote that God’s greatest joy is man (and woman) fully alive but these poor spirits are disconnected from their souls and are insatiably hungry for status bc nothing in the energy of ego can ever be satisfied… they don’t know they are looking for love… the only energy that satiates, fulfills, nurtures… So vampire clown pirate captains (who go nowhere and want everyone else to do the same) barking orders from moods not scripts… black holes of ego creating daily exhausting storms to survive or sending you to the brig below to sit alone and try to think through all their madness…when they catch you looking into a real mirror they frantically cover them/replace them with distorted ones… sucking desires consuming them so they plot like pirates for ways to project them and laugh and whistle in sick delight … No input allows from the actors (ourselves)… only they are the “star”… the only one who’s emotions and thoughts and wants matter.. they want you to act and feel as they say… at their service… as their lying eyes want to see… … no character/personality of your own can be shown/owned (it must be hidden in their presence to survive except when you just can’t keep it in which for me was often… sooo consequences… but I feel those moments were when my soul/spirit was like I MUST stand up bc it or die in some internal ❤way… so willing even to face real death) and definitely no life/character development… constantly sniffing for it so it could be snuffed out (for only the moment because my soul is connected to eternal fire of love… growth and goals , happiness/joy detected? madness/incredibly inappropriate intervention/sabotage ensues ! Overts overtly hateful and coverts with carrots and sticks… mad raging clowns and sickly sweet smiling false guilt inducing clowns… until you move to play your own parts… What a confusing, incredibly difficult ride in stormy ocean until you jump ship and escape 😂the next part of what you said brought a tear and understanding to my eyes and more. A wonderful, true evocative metaphor 🌊⛵️🌊 freedom and all good things for all of us 🙌

[@ladydi1210]

I grew into a physically larger person, medium-larger build and proportionately broader shoulders. I was treated unattractive by my father and that I needed to always pursue dieting so that at least I could be small in some way. It was terrible, and I got the message, there was no hope for me to ever be happily married.

[@geneviawylie]

"no one is gonna wanna marry you" I heard it and totally believed it.

[@caminoalavirtud566]

So right OMG 🥺🥺🥺 im glad i woke up thank you God for all you do for me 🙏🙏🙏💙💙💙😊😊😊

[@mediacreations5996]

Beautiful video 🤗thanks Jay 🙏Sending you and Brizo 🐾🐾🐾many blessings.Hope you have a happy weekend ✨💫🌈

[@jreid-heal-narcissistic-abuse]

Thank you! You too!

[@Dietdeprogrammer]

This is definitely a variant of my story! Since kindergarten/1st grade my mom put the diet whammy on me. She was never happy with her weight and she transferred that right on to me. She obsessed over what I was eating. Asked the pediatrician for diets all the time. Had to buy my clothes in a different store than my younger brother(who by the way has now taken over her role as family narcissist). Never let me forget I was chubby, husky, never lost the baby weight, and who would find me attractive? She ruined my life with restrictive diets and diet culture. All while my father stood by and did nothing. How do you put a growing child on diet after restrictive diet? How do you tell your child, in a round about way, they are worthless if they don’t look like everyone else? I guess that’s how she really felt about herself. I’m 56 and learning how to get over all of the drama but it’s really hard some times. It’s a process. Don’t give up. It’ll be worth it in the end. God gives you strength. Take care.

[@carlorizzo827]

ThankU Jay dizzying. Anatomy of hurt feelings. What buzzwords. "Object". "Disgusting". "Harassing myself",

[@bridgettetraveler658]

My accomplishment I didn't tell my parents or other family members, because I didn't think anyone would care or they make it appear to be nothing. It took me years to know I really matter. I gave my life to JESUS & he let me know I'm Precious to him & so are my offsprings. I've given all of my friends the name Precious, because most ppl are precious to me. I look at life totally different now. I take better care of myself & help others as much as I can❤❤❤

[@geneviawylie]

Its so crazy how much i can relate to all this. And for so long, i just "knew" it was true...what he said and thought about me was so true. He was just so omnipotent...😒 "Fat" "big-boned" and then away from the liars and hearing the opposite! Eating too fast and getting mad dogged at dinner. Thank you God for people in my life who would tell me different. I didn't believe them at the time, but i did hear them. Tried my whole life fighting being nobody to no one. Then ur left being a nothing to a mean ass somebody...and it hurts for a while, but then you realize what a blesssing!!!

[@Shawna-d4m]

My brother and I were made to feel that ,"it was ok that we were alive at least a couple times throughout child hood,we were like trained monkeys for the parents to look good,because we were so bad.

[@exploringtheparanormalwith81]

One of the things my mom would do is talk shit about me in the next room when we were visiting my grandparents. I would hear her literally lying about me saying things that were not true at all. Bad things that I didn't do. She did it alot. I hated it

[@eyeonrecovery8319]

Another wonderful, rich video. Thank you, Jay!

[@jreid-heal-narcissistic-abuse]

Thanks again!

[@lovesings2us]

What a beautiful talk! Thank you, Jay. Your insightful videos are a real gift in my life. I love seeing your dog, too. Is his name Breezo?

[@sheilawilliams9080]

Such an insightful video! It absolutely explains why my Narcissistic mother raised me in an isolated environment (she chose to break away from her entire family) and was hypercritical of my behavior throughout my childhood and continuing into my adult years. I believed that I had to accept her behavior and always felt anxious around people.

[@daniellfourie]

The boat analogy is brilliant. Exactly what is happening to me at the moment.

[@diatribe5]

To this day, I find myself “testing “ others to see if they truly appreciate and accept me with all shortcomings.

[@JL-re1rx]

Dear Jay, You are BRILLIANT!!!!!

[@Katiegirlluv]

Yes 💔 induced shame since childhood. I am a beautiful and bright girl made to feel small and insecure. 💔 Divorcing my husband now and no contact with whole family. No one sides w me since I blew the whistle

[@Katiegirlluv]

I was so insecure I felt embarrassed to even be unclothed in the marriage bed

[@clemchirpich4907]

Thank you for the information packed in this video. I watched it twice to pull as much as I could from it. I worked with clinical psychologist in the past about situations and relationships that “blew up”. The information you have provided has opened a new window on why I respond the way that I did and even do now. Thanks for the opportunity to live a better life.

[@jreid-heal-narcissistic-abuse]

You are so welcome!

[@SikrosSpencer]

To your questions in the beginning; yes yes yes yes YES!!!!!❤❤❤❤❤

[@darylkik777]

If i spent time with grandma after school before she died or when a parent sent a letter of how polite and helpful i was at their dinner, or when i was hired at the mall musicstore by accident when i said they gave me too much back. Dad would say, "You may have others fooled, but i know you're up to no good. Im watching you. And poof all my good was evil.

[@creatormom123]

Always helpful Jay!❤😊

[@jreid-heal-narcissistic-abuse]

Glad you think so!

[@Tinky456]

I've just purchased your book from Amazon. Can't wait.....!

[@jreid-heal-narcissistic-abuse]

Thank you!

[@MBuck-iw7qn]

Wow!! This is so good for us to learn this 🙏🦋🙏 Thank you Jay Reid

[@williamkelley1783]

I'm good with the air quotes.

[@yl5020]

I do air quotes all the time. They just feel right even when they're not totally necessary

[@SikrosSpencer]

So correct! When u mentioned gait! Family told me I stomp like an ogre… I scrape the plate like a noisy demon…. Aunt Wud even stop in middle of meal and compare me to a friend saying; look at their plate… it ain’t messy like yours…. I had a lot to consider as a child and I had a lot of shame to bear

[@mores5780]

THE CONSTANT SCRUTINY.

[@twelfthhour]

I'm a big fan of the 3 pillars approach. Really good ❤

[@Momofone1982]

Thanks so much for the insight!!😊

[@rinahgberg312]

I am so grateful that you exist!❤️

[@alastairjamesmainland2497]

Wonderful in depth video , so appreciate the brilliant and thorough description of association a missing part of my perception, love your little doggy, of all the medicine in the world you cant beat a dogs love.

[@AllenLinnenJr]

When I was skinny I was tormented for being skinny. When I became overweight, she criticized that. Couldn't win for losing. Evil.

[@laurenbradynutrition]

100%

[@wandawarren2593]

Jay, the "parent" effect, can be done by "long time spouse." I think your listeners understand this? I benefit from your videos, healing from my marriage, he was just like the "parent" you speak of. Thank you.

[@GlowingOfAgeStory]

I didn't even notice the doggie back there!

[@scarlett-rosealiviakensing7623]

Romantic partners do this too! I thought it was just me who got teased and asked why I do things the way I do them! Right down to the way I chop an onion! Always - why do you do such and such like that? With a smirk or half laughing at me! Why do you walk like that? Why do you cook that like that? Every tiny thing!

[@marygenius2041]

I was also shamed by mother, like Devon

[@dio69666]

The first question, yes. The second no. I think there are many profound problems with society, not me. And last one thankfully no. The opposite

[@scottpull12]

I am the scapegoat. I love everyone in my family but they do treat me that way. Does this mean they're all narcissists? I have a hard time with that one. Maybe parts of them are. Or maybe they're not but we are in a dysfunctional family. It's pretty confusing What I do is set up a lot more boundaries than I ever have. Take them in small doses. But I can't see cutting them off completely. Just be aware of what's going on and not let them know I know.

[@streaming5332]

I just watch the videos to see Brizo!

[@bchristian85]

"New relationship where you feel understood and accepted" is something that seems impossible. Nobody will understand or accept me.

[@dark7angel456]

Worse than narcissist. Too enmeshing and controlling. Psychological torment. I really appreciate these videos when i feel intolerable emotions.

[@yamlwoz]

My mother forced me into a fashion show to model the dress she'd made me. I was around 13 at the time. I didn't win, and when I got back to her she virtually spat with disgust "I never realised how FAT you'd got!" Probably because I barely existed to her unless she needed a maid/therapist/nurse. She only cared that I'd caused her dressmaking to lose. I was just an unpleasant object to her.

[@dark7angel456]

I have two Psychopathic narcissistic cousins that try to make my life a living hell and are trying to kill me slowly but yet the cops don't even do anything about it

[@greggoreo6738]

So? Don JUNIOR?!is thr scapegoat for father 45. Gotcha! Respectfully Yours Gregg Oreo Long Beach CA Etats Unis

[@rinahgberg312]

❤❤

[@Gugugu1984]

I used to think ...every child is defective.... I almost feel that is inherently the most important part of Chinese Culture (At least for the part of Chinese culture i was brain washed to believe in): Everybody is dedective. Everybody needs to be fixed. I am so glad i escaped out of that kind of socierty.

[@Ash-ej3nx]

I am unable to post my graduation pics to insta or story even I want to

[@justincase4812]

There is a lot to be said about letting go of the baggage. I understand bringing awareness to a bad child hood is revealing, buy it shouldn't be an obsession and constantly revisted. Same for alcoholics, and why AA meetings can be damaging instead of help in that constant revisitation of the history is detrimental. Move on, let it go.

[@BuffaloBilly69]

Scapegoat survivors are extremely resilient