Relationships and Mind-blindness in Spouses with ASD

Downloadable programs:
--- Living with ASD: eBook and Audio Instruction for Neurodiverse Couples- www.livingwithaspergerspartne...
--- Interpersonal Relationship Skills: eBook and Audio Instruction for Male Partners with ASD- www.neurodiversemarriage.org/...
Coaching services for autistic male partners:
--- Skype Group for ASD Men Struggling in Their Relationship with an NT Spouse: www.adultaspergerschat.com/20...
--- Skype Group: ASD Men’s Master Class: www.asdmasterclass.com/2022/0...
Coaching services for neurotypical female partners:
--- Skype Group for Neurotypical Women Struggling in Their Relationship with an ASD Spouse: www.adultaspergerschat.com/20...
--- Skype Group: Recovery from Cassandra Syndrome for Neurotypical Spouses: www.cassandrasyndromerecovery...
Coaching services for the ASD + NT couple:
--- Skype Group for Neurodiverse Couples Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder: www.adultaspergerschat.com/20...
Individual coaching services:
--- One-on-One Sessions for Struggling Individuals and Couples Affected by ASD: www.adultaspergerschat.com/20...
Access to “Members-Only” videos:
--- Get your perks here: / @markhutten
Parenting resources:
--- Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children and Teens with ASD Level 1: www.myaspergerschild.com/2019...
--- Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: www.high-functioningautism.co...
--- Discipline for Defiant Teens on the Autism Spectrum: www.myaspergersteen.com/
--- Preventing Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder: www.autism-meltdowns.com/
--- Launching Adult Children with ASD Level 1: How to Promote Self-Reliance: www.launchingadultchildren.com/
--- Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Kids on the Spectrum: www.social-skills-emotion-man...
--- Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: aspergers-mystery.blogspot.com/

[@markhutten]

ASD+NT Couples resources: --- Living with ASD - eBook and Audio Instruction for Neurodiverse Couples: www.livingwithaspergerspartner.com/ --- One-on-One Skype Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by ASD: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2019/07/skype-counseling-for-struggling-couples.html --- Group for ASD Men Struggling in Their Relationship with an NT Spouse: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2020/11/group-for-asd-men-struggling-in-their.html --- Group for Neurotypical Women Struggling in Their Relationship with an ASD Spouse: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2020/11/group-for-nt-women-struggling-in-their.html --- Online Group Therapy for Neurodiverse Couples Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2020/10/mark-hutten-m.html --- Recovery from Cassandra Syndrome - Counseling for Neurotypical Spouses: www.cassandrasyndromerecovery.com/2021/08/recovery-from-emotional-deprivation-for.html --- ASD Men’s MasterClass: www.asdmasterclass.com/2022/02/asd-mens-masterclass.html --- ASD Relationship Solutions: asdrelationshipsolutions.com/ --- Access to “Members-Only” Videos: kzbin.info/door/UZG9TJ9LHwSfmHb4ogQmxAjoin Parenting resources: --- Preventing Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder: www.autism-meltdowns.com/ --- Discipline for Defiant Teens on the Autism Spectrum: www.myaspergersteen.com/ --- Launching Adult Children with ASD Level 1: How to Promote Self-Reliance: www.launchingadultchildren.com/ --- Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Kids on the Spectrum: www.social-skills-emotion-management.com/ --- Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: aspergers-mystery.blogspot.com/ --- Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: www.high-functioningautism.com/ --- Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children and Teens with ASD Level 1: www.myaspergerschild.com/2019/07/parenting-system-that-reduces.html

[@tusinihe2296]

It was horrible living with someone whom I perceived initially as a very nice, shy and caring person, then sometime after we started living together, my perception of him decided that he was an arsehole, because of the lack of emotional feedbacks, ONLY to realise that the person I was being critical about with his untoward behaviour (or sometimes lack of) has Aspergers/Autistic tendencies. Well this certainly woke me up. Post my 'realisation' I have changed my attitude and my own behaviour towards my partner and I am working really hard to learn his language. It's been tough, both sides of the coin, but he's worth it ;-). There are great traits affiliated with aspergers/autism like 'being direct' and having a conversation with someone whom you know you will get nothing but the facts ... so ... when I ask my partner "do i look fat in these pants honey?" and he answers "yes" then I'm cool with that because I am after honesty, so yes, he's a keeper :-)

[@DahPff]

Melelisa Togiatama Lovely story.

[@jonathanwilloughby745]

Hahaaaaa!!!! You said what I was thinking!!!!! I love my Aspie hubby and I went through the SAME thing.. I moved in... Then married him quickly... Only to discover my endearing... Honest hubby was an aspie!!!!! LMBO! Has great!

[@positivevibe7684]

Great message Mark 💯. Your videos have helped me understand my aspie husb. I felt he was uncaring, egotistical, and lacked empathy. I remember years ago I called him and told him my mom was being rushed to the hospital, I was crying..he ask me why I was crying. I had no clue during that time he had Aspergers. I felt he had no heart. My mom passed away that same day. I called him and let him know. He asked, do you need me to come to the hospital..I was extremely emotional and said no. Of course, i needed him to come, which I should have told him. I still get a little upset with him when I think about it. Looking back, it all makes sense.

[@santacruzskirts]

I am ND. I love to hear others express emotions. I need reality. Emotions are facts too.

[@JasonBig1981]

I "hurt" my wife all of the time. One perfect example: We went on a date the other night. I had a great time. We talked, watched a movie, and held hands. When we got home, my wife looked at me and said, "did you even LIKE being out with me?" It completely blew me away. I asked, "Why did you say that; of course I had a good time with you." To make a long description short, to her the act of smiling and stating the words "I really like being out with you." To me, honestly, this never even passed through my mind. I thought, naturally, we're just having a good time. A couple of nights ago, I went through something of a mini-crisis. We got into an argument, and I basically said, "that's it, I'm tired of hurting people or driving everyone away. I'm leaving." I came back in a few hours, but as someone who is 33, and just discovered this disorder exists, it is SO hard to relate to people.... Thank you so much for the vid.

[@confidentlocal8600]

How are things for you now?

[@NightTimeXO]

Well, sorry but this has not worked for me.... 25 years about to go Titanic. What a waste of a good life, and still no one professional believes me when I explain his behavior.

[@positivevibe7684]

@,NightTime If you learned valuable lessons and gained wisdom, it wasn't a waste. Sending Positive Energy. 💕

[@Sherree2001au]

I would like to ask ....why is it the NT's place to change their way of being ...thinking...responding ...or asking things , Why is it not the Aspies place to learn about the NT's and alter themselves and educate themselves ?? I feel it is very one sided as the entire relationship is with an Aspie

[@Octofad]

Because the Aspie already is doing their best to fit in and learn about the 'normal' way of doing things. It is very exhausting. It's very helpful when NTs try to meet us half-way. If someone doesn't want to do that, it's best not to expect the Aspie to change at all.

[@lockupuredaughters]

It's not a learning disorder. We don't struggle with the skills. It is a mind disorder, or in other words, it is a neuro-imbalance. So we can learn all the skills we may desire or that is desired by us (and aspies typically do, largely better than some NT's too) but that doesn't change the biological functions of our minds.

[@lockupuredaughters]

As an example, one may study General Semantics or Neuro Linguistic Programming. The Intelligent Aspie, I'm sure, would have also obsessed over Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and other Self-development Psychotherapies. however, learning how to use the emotive words or saying feel instead of think whathaveyou doesn't change the fact that our mind doesn't produce the synapse necessary to produce such human connection.

[@newchap7670]

It's because not all aspies are aware of having the syndrome. People that are diagnosed in the early age are blessed, they're taught how to behave socially the way NT learned naturally. Im self diagnosed at 30 and I can't think of how many people Ive hurt in the past,because of my ignorance.

[@niyaedwards5401]

Sounds like a pretty fucked up thing to say . I'm sure normalizing one self never came crossed one Aspe's head while they are being socially out casted for their awkwardness or bullied 😒

[@Hifromyourmom]

Hmmm. Had a session with a therapist today. When I talked to him about my husband, he said he might be asperger's. It's making more and more sense to me the more I look into it. And I cant help but to feel a sense of deep loss that he will never be the man who touches that deep emotional need inside of me to be understood by my partner.

[@kathybates3763]

sunmaidliz Just based on the fact that you admitted you were seeing a therapist on youtube and said those negative things behind his back means you most likely are a drama queem straving for attention and trigger the way he acts and reacts. You sound like the one with the problem and to be honest you sound like the type of woman that would cheat. Show some respect and get a life.

[@stahpitt8531]

+sunmaidliz Here is what you need to understand, he feels that same feeling you do. He not comfortable with showing it. You need to make a concerted effort to enjoy things that you're both passionate together. Sit on the couch and watch game of thrones together or something. Board games aren't terrible, but just expect that he will assume he is better at anything logical. So cockyness may pursue. While it's a great idea, we generally have huge egos hidden and covered with cobwebs of anxiety and stress. So it may seem like were bipolar. Seek psychiatric help for him. SSRI's work well for reducing anxiety and will allow him to feel more comfortable with sharing emotions and expressions. Be mindful of the libeto impact it has, because you will most likely not ever have sex while somebody is on SSRI's. Be mindful that anxiety is the biggest thing with Aspergers. The most anxious he is, the more blind he will become to emotions. You can talk over medications with your doctor, but i highly suggest treatment. Also if you're just looking for temporary anxiety relief KavaKava tea is really good at it. I always carry tea bags of it around with me incase i'm really anxious that day.

[@NightTimeXO]

+Kathy Bates You have completely misread her statement.

[@inexplicableone3603]

sunmaidliz You are so right, my husband wants to always blame everything on me such as I do not know how to communicate or comprehend but in actuality it is him who doesn't understand. He will never see that though. I have been nothing but nice to him even when he's mean to me but it's my fault again because I'm too emotional. He makes me feel as if I'm all alone in the relationship and he doesn't understand what he is doing is tearing us apart.

[@santacruzskirts]

Was he able to emotionally connect with you when you first met?

[@hidelight7437]

this is not true i have tried for years to express myself factually and with out emotion..he insterts what he wants in ..hears me yelling if I am not yelling . there is not a thing we can do to get our "feelings across" to someone with true mind blindness because it doesnt matter to them on any level...no matter how "high functioning" they will only see what they can see and there is no motivation to see anymore because it does not matter to them (I am speaking as a wife of one for 38 years)

[@leemundy1613]

Would it be fair to say that if one doesn't 'see' something, they simply do NOT see it? That's like being angry with someone who has green eyes, or blonde hair...it simply IS. If it has become too much of a burden dealing with it then get out of the relationship. Sometimes there isn't a happy ending.

[@silvergirl7810]

I’m relating to this comment- I feel like I’ve stuck it out thinking he/we would get better and it’s only gotten worse the older he gets. I’ve wasted my the best years of my life and now I’m too sick to do anything at all about it.

[@positivevibe7684]

@silvergirl7810 I definitely get it. My heart goes out to you. This is why I have to continue to work on me and do what's best for me at this point in my life. I am 60+ yrs young. I'm currently hanging in there with him but also doing things I enjoy and always will. I pray you gain the strength you need to start doing things you enjoy. Sending Positive Energy and Much Love ❤️

[@VirtueKnight777]

I have Asperger's and really do relate to this video. It's true about speaking facts versus feelings. It's possible to listen to feelings and understand what people are saying; it just takes a lot more focus and effort. It's devastating emotionally for me since it did eventually lead to divorce. Anyway, I just want to point out that it's not impossible for most Asperger's people to learn about emotional speak. Just look to the Asperger's Experts and you'll see how.

[@ladytorres8323]

My husband and I lived together and then married for 6 years before his diagnosis. So not everyone marries a aspie with knowledge of it. By the way we are middle age, not young people anymore. Ive learned in ANY marriage its give and take. But some of these comments below must be from young people. Thats the "ME FIRST" generation right? Aspergers makes a relationship more diffiicult; but if you go into a marriage thinking there is no reason for divorce unless Im in physical danger/abuse or there is an extramarital affair....then you find a way to make it work! The attitude " if it doesnt work for me, Im leaving or you can leave" is so selfish. When two NT's are married both have to change things about themselves. Otherwise there are perfect people on this earth who dont need to change a thing ?!?

[@andrewbochicchio4289]

true statement now a days everyone always leaves ...good observation. we are much more selfish this generation

[@nausheenali6138]

MyGoggle Name I know this is an old comment but I just wanted to reply a thought. I never knew my husband has Aspergers. To be honest, he hasn’t been diagnosed with it but lately I’ve been thinking something must be messing with his mind. Like a mental disorder because some days he’s ok and others not so much. But then he is so nice and cordial to all he meets but at times can be quite frank. I think deep down he is a good guy who doesn’t know how to behave with his wife and small things irritate him. I’m not sure he has aspergers but just thinking. Can someone with aspergers be nice to others but not with immediate family? I’m confused. It would have been easy for me to leave years and years ago but I’m trying to make it work. Please pray for us.

[@howmathematicianscreatemat9226]

I am often considered as the „nicest guy a woman has ever seen“. So, dear neurotypical woman. If you acuse aspi men to „lack real empathy“ or „being rude, cold and unfeeling“, then go look inside the mirror first (yes, although you feel hurt. We feel hurt too when you think we are cold)... We aspi men aren’t those (big) butter & egg men you think we are. We just take longer to process things which can cause us not to be able to listen well. But we are truely interested in your inner world once we are in a long term relationship with you

[@JustBored589]

I think if you have a negative opinion of men/women with Aspergers then you should just move on with your life without the person in it. It's not worth it for you to hold this resentment and negativity and I'm sure it doesn't make your partner any happier. People with AS need to be with partners who are understanding and willing to work with them on things without being bitter.

[@positivevibe7684]

@justbored I agree💯. Either accept who they are or move on. With some aspie husb, not all, they make it difficult for the NT wife to hang in there with them. It's like they want the nt wife to leave. If my aspie husb made it difficult on top of having autism, I'm not sure I could hang in there with him. He does try, and he doesn't make my life miserable. Therefore, I'm able to hang in there as best I can.

[@dominiquedoeslife]

What makes you feel that the wife doesn’t hold her husband in positive regard? She obviously cares enough to ask for help from an outside source and they’ve been married for many years. I’m curious what makes you say this. Also, it sounds as if her husband is currently undiagnosed, or was when this video was made, which leaves both partners flying blind. As another neurodiverse person, I’m trying to understand your opinion.

[@Fancie-el4fz]

This annoys me because Asperger is not an excuse for shut down behavior. My friend is autistic and he acts when I tell him I am upset. He lacks empathy but uses logic instead. Which I am grateful for because I hate when people show me empathy’s

[@-GloryDays]

So how do we figure out what language they speak?! I'm exhausted trying to speak an unknown tongue! Exhausted.

[@ajfox5581]

Pam, what I can say as an aspie is we have just as hard of a time translating the other direction. My spouse and I have been together for 20 years and still struggle with translating each other. What I can say is until I started to make a very concerted effort all the translation was on the other side of the fence. I think that is a good starting point. He would have to have a want or need to change and learn to translate to your language to take some of the burden off of you. We tend to speak a very short, simple, binary language. We speak very direct and expect to be spoken to the same way. We tend to be very good multitaskers, so just because I do not look up from my computer while listening to you, does NOT mean I am not listening to you. And the answer you get like "Steak sounds great" is the same answer you would get if I was trying to pay attention to you. But you may receive that as "He is not listening and just spewing out something to shut me up.". Does that make sense I hope? For me, I hate qualifiers. I find my self mentally listening to my spouse go on and on and on mentally thinking "Get to the point already". And I continue to multi-task. (And a side note: if I am looking in your direction while you speak you can guarantee my mind is doing numerous other things at the same time anyway. Hence the usual blank expression). So Basically instead of saying "I was at the store today and they had a sale on steak, but I was really in the mood for fish, and I ran into Cathy and she though perhaps I should buy both since we then have ......." Just simply say "Would you like Steak or Fish?" Or even "Does Fish sound good tonight?". When you get your answer, feel free to ask "Would you like to hear about my day shopping?". Usually there is a little better time to listen to the "on and on and on".... and for us , it is 'usually over dinner' :)

[@earthelementkinesiology5727]

Thank you for explaining that so well! It's something that I can take on board with my ASD Partner.

[@51elephantchang]

How much more exhausting when virtually NOBODY speaks your language.

[@LuckyBadger]

"Stop talking about your feelings". Right. Just kill your soul, and be content with any crumbs of attention the Aspie decides to throw at you. Isn't that every girl's dream marriage?

[@51elephantchang]

Wow,just wow.I thought it was aspies who lack empathy.

[@cherylconstable2661]

AMEN

[@TheSquonkOfPillingerForest]

RESIW WON the point of an opinion is just to give it.. it doesn't have to be educated or thought through. And this person has a point. It isn't fair to tell one side to give up and shut off yourself so that your partner can avoid being confused. Find middle ground. Compromise.

[@caresacoil]

Haha... all the replies to this comment accusing her of lack of empathy or understanding are committing exactly that which is being accused. I think what she is experiencing could be a feeling of helplessness which is understandable. Just as aspies have their limitations, so do others. It can feel defeating I'm sure for both the aspie and the NT. Being willing to understand both is a good start. And recognizing that a disability does not remove the fact that even aspies need to balance self acceptance with self improvement and personal responsibility in relationships. Yes, aspies naturally have to face the consequences of their behavior as difficult as that can be. Shedding light on their way of thinking gives those who are NT something to work with so we can connect with them if we choose. It is not a situation where the relationship is the full responsibility of the NT. If it is too stressful for the NT, then you should try to honor your own boundaries and gracefully let the relationship go. Much love.

[@Sion.Ryan.Green.]

Marg Chase with having PMDD severely and now a lesser version due to wearing magnets, but still struggling whilst in peri menopause, I am dependant on my hubby who has Aspergers a lot and he takes care of everything whilst I am unable. Not to a typical womans standard but he keeps on top of all that is necessary and more X

[@crypter27]

As a sperg, it can be difficult to read people.

[@barbramorgan4467]

That's really good advice.

[@CaToRi-]

In the same way that there are jerks a-hole NT, there are also jerks a-hole aspies. If you are married to a loving aspie, it will be for you hard to believe when someone else says he/she is married to jerk aspie. In real life there is no “one size fits all”.

[@llarmstrong783]

Right, being an Aspie doesn't mean you're a saint, nor does it mean you're a selfish jerk. I lie at times and used to bounce girls head down, but now I'm a responsible young man who takes care of his grandmother.

[@santacruzskirts]

So true

[@jonathanwilloughby745]

I'm on my Aspie husband's you tube: When I want to talk to my hubby about stuff... He throws up!!! He can't handle stuff. If I am upset... It disrupts him and he flips out .. Bless his heart... I'm emotional and it affects him. Gosh!

[@kellyrussell6428]

Yikes! Kathy Bates! How judgmental can you get? I totally understand what sunmaidliz is speaking of. Her reaction sounds very normal to me. I am just finding out my husband of 28 years has Asperger's. I knew our middle daughter did, but did not suspect my husband, though she did. I know him to be a sweet, loving man who deeply cares for all of his family, including our son-in-law and three grandkids, but we also saw another side to him that made him look like a total asshole. lol Seeing how we have been married 28 years, you can see the good guy won out. We are as a couple, speaking to a therapist this week, and the kids will follow at another time. Sense of loss that your spouse will not be the emotional support a wife/husband is looking for is a form of grief. I had, and still am coming to terms with that, but now I know WHY he acts the way he does. It doesn't solve things, but it helps us to navigate our way through the Asperger's Ocean. My prayer is he learns to navigate our Neurotypical Oceans, and the sea can become calmer and well traveled.

[@PhilMante]

+kelly russell You know that gives me a little hope? I'm an unmarried aspie who wants to be married one day and i want a marriage like the one my parents have (33 years and they're still together) but being an aspie and knowing how i can act, it scares me to think I'm going to accidentally hurt my wife or do something stupid in front of her. But if your husband can be better than what his diagnosis says, at least i have hope. Thank you.

[@CSDragon]

+kelly russell As with everything there's a sliding scale. There's also the Aspie's ability to be able to rationalize emotions. I have Aspergers myself, but from a young age my mom brought me up on very strict morals. So even though I often don't understand why something makes someone upset, I know logically that making them upset is wrong, so that I figure out what made them upset, and write that rule down in my mind. But that's MY unique case. And everyone's case is different.

[@NightTimeXO]

+Matsumoto Hitoshi Kudos to you for even caring that you might hurt someone. That is way ahead of some people. I tell my husband he hurt me and he could care less. So you are way ahead! Good for you!

[@newchap7670]

When dealing with women, I think most men are AS at some point.

[@zach7548]

i cut lawns and am a man who was diagnosed with asperger's syndrome

[@markhutten]

[@lockupuredaughters]

Mirror Neurons!

[@jilliansmith7123]

Aragorn: not everyone answers; it's not always one's place to ask; people lie...lots of reasons why a direct approach may not be best.

[@two-toneblue7455]

Why the hell did she marry him?

[@two-toneblue7455]

Darcy Hart They deserve each other.

[@leemundy1613]

Oh, she probably thought she'd found a man she could 'fix'. Women often do that, thinking they can change the man if they can just get their hands on him. After all, every bonsai was just a shrub until someone started applying pressure.....

[@karma2236]

Aspie men can be very cruel. extreme self centernedess is their issue

[@ph89787]

Ok what experience did you have.

[@karma2236]

Southern Discomfort hell no! Never got involved with a social tard.

[@desireew4613]

@ tartuffe8 B Don't date one then. Problem solved.

[@leemundy1613]

Please do let us know when your axe is sharp...you've been grinding the hell out of it....

[@elisehappy236]

tartuffe8 B I agree..;

[@jonathanwilloughby745]

Thank You... I need sex... lol I'm on my husband's you tube... BTW.... I want to connect with him on another level.... He don't seem to get it!!!! We are newlyweds and I diagnosed him myself.... Working on a professional diagnosis. 😉

[@karma2236]

Its's hell to be married to an aspie man! Cold, mean and unfeeling

[@wowlazerchickenmew]

that's not true

[@NightTimeXO]

+Southern Discomfort Doubt he would notice.

[@sandrasteele976]

They fake and pretend to have feelings/personalities.. The syndrome was renamed for the scientist who discovered it, but it was actually termed "autistic psychopathy". A psychopath with autism...they are cruel heartless robots who can kill you slowly, literally. Leave them alone once you suspect this condition..thier lack of feeling and blatant negligence of other people can cause illness, accidents, and years of wasted life..They are psychopaths, autistic psychopaths!! Be acquaintances with them,but never as a life partner.