Empathy and Asperger’s Syndrome | Dylan Dailor | TEDxAllendaleColumbiaSchool

A couple of years ago Dylan discovered the idea of neurodiversity, the idea that people can be neurologically diverse. This idea was very unpopular amongst many groups who insisted that this was both wrong and dangerous. Dylan set out to write a book (I Am Not A Freak) for children who believed that their mind needs to be corrected. Dylan now considers himself to be an Autism Ambassador for the Kirch Center at University of Rochester Medical Center Strong in Rochester, NY. Dylan’s goal is to inform as many people as possible about the radical thought, that people can be diverse in mind.
Dylan Dailor is as 16 year old Autism and Neurodiversity Advocate who is also the author of the book I Am Not A Freak
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at ted.com/tedx

[@mackenziehoag2944]

The worst place on Austism specteum is where you're normal enough that people see you as normal but not enough that they treat you normally so you get bullied and the people who do it don't know they are doing it

[@christopherwillson]

Mackenzie Hoag amen

[@nurciboo]

That's exactly what my son is going through. He is 9 and understands things a lot better than neurotypicals think but has still issues with his social life. I'm glad he has a really nice therapist and a therapist who comes to class with him.

[@KyrstOak]

No, a bully _always_ knows they are bullying because the goal of a bully is to hurt others and they accomplish this goal.

[@BumblebeeApothecary]

AMEN!!!!!

[@jordannpoteet7466]

I agree that sucks. Trust me I’m with you but it’s not the worst. We don’t need to compare one another because often it ends up unintentionally belittling and devaluing one another’s struggles

[@yolkyolk3148]

It really is strange, isn't it, that neurotypical children, of whom apparently have this special empathy, are able to be so vicious and cruel towards anyone who is different.

[@yolkyolk3148]

Me too. I just don't understand how NTs operate. There's no 'being yourself' in this life, because NTs too often take it personally/offence to it. Or rather, you can only be yourself in a 'legitimized' way if you have power of some kind. I think NTs value power over truth. Stupid.

[@paneesh]

@HenryThomas I agree. NTs value sentiment over logic. Even though the facts are cold maybe sometimes offensive, they expect you to serve them sugarcoated.

[@SevenRayedGod]

I honestly think its because their minds are limited, and the majority of humanity's tech advancement likely came from people with mental disorders or syndromes.

[@suziegreer8525]

Henry Thomas + I was bullied at school I know were you're coming from.😶

[@JackHY2K]

I know right? As a kid, I often got bullied and shunned. Today, I still occasionally get shunned and abused. But it's getting better. I agree with Dylan that Neurotypicals should be kind. I would add open-minded as well.

[@earlgosselin5947]

I do have empathy, I just don't show it the way non aspergers persons show it. I have been accused of being non emotional which was very hurtful.

[@dahvidbergeron7857]

Very hurtful indeed.

[@jimwash4183]

yes

[@cassandra414]

same thing here my nickname for years was ice queen in high school. .. it pissed me off more times than i like

[@kayannefernandes8245]

these people want emotions to be expressed in the most dramatically ridiculous way like crying and going out of own senses overwhelming logic and reason blinding oneself from the truth. I think Empathy should be considered a mental disorder for some cases...

[@a_diamond]

Yes. Autism is a communication disorder.. *not* a lack of empathy..

[@Halikatti]

"I was like... I'm the one who's supposed to lack the empathy, how come you don't understand how I feell?" Geniously put and so right!

[@jaypaint4855]

Yep

[@zandammandam]

Becouse empathy is not about understanding.its a feeling, an instinct. You can not understand, you just feel the compasion. The way that you asked that question says a lot about your way of thinking.

[@memecathar1263]

@@zandammandamHe literally goes over the different types of empathy so.. yer wrong

[@user-bc2cv8ic9m]

Lol, because the world is generally really unfeeling and if you don’t do something, live the same lifestyle or think just like they do, it’s like “derr?” with the tilted dog head look.

[@user-bc2cv8ic9m]

@@zandammandamExactly.

[@WeirdCrazyShortGuy]

I have asperger's and yet I have both types of empathy. I just have poor social skills and do not intuit non-written rules of social interaction very well.

[@sleepyeyeguy]

Do you catch yourself resenting the social game and feeling as though it is absurd, or that you are above it? I notice that in myself, but I think it is probably a reaction formation, a way of rationalizing my social ineptitude.

[@WeirdCrazyShortGuy]

sleepyeyeguy You know, I do feel like that at times. More so when I was younger. I think As I've gotten older I've just learned coping mechanisms to help me socialize a bit better.

[@MasinaTai86]

What's your myer Briggs type if you don't mind me asking? I'm not sure if that has anything to do with it really but I'm curious. I'm INFP I think the speaker mixed up cognitive and affective empathy for a second I think psychopaths would NOT have affective empathy otherwise they wouldn't go to the lengths they do for stimulation most ppl DO have affective empathy in my opinion but others more so I read that women Aspies can have it more so I can def vouch for that I cringe when I have to be around not so nice ppl they're smiling but you can feel these weird feelings strongly sometimes I don't have cognitive empathy until after sometimes even years after something happened I'll have a lightbulb moment after a lot of thought about it I mean some detail/s that puts all the pieces of the puzzle together sometimes I wish I had someone to appear out of nowhere sometimes and slap me across the face and tell me what to do/say like an angel or voice of reason NT reasoning at least because ppl are rarely ever straight with you and I'm not good at expressing myself at all/enough in the right way at the right time to the right degree Does any of this resonate with you? I'm getting tested for ASD & ADHD soon

[@WeirdCrazyShortGuy]

I think I am INTP. Though I took it a long time ago.

[@MasinaTai86]

Mike Soluna So you're intuitive and perceptive.. You're not as socially inept as you think maybe. I feel like an ISTJ would be most inept socially.. If Sheldon from Big Bang Theory were a real person I think he'd be a ISTJ.

[@sleepyeyeguy]

That's an interesting point, that you "feel the way other people do" but you can't quite understand it intellectually. I have many physiological reactions, very strong empathy and feeling, but difficulty in understanding why people feel the way they do. I also have a hard time cognitively recognizing feelings in myself. I usually don't notice anxiety within myself until those around me get anxious and lash out at me (largely in response to my apparent hostility, even though that is not my intention).

[@music-ty5we]

sleepyeyeguy I get the same thing, my sister and father tend to lash out at me when I invade their personal space even though thats not my intention.

[@joemuis23]

me too dragonfly

[@eilzmo]

Dude same. I didn’t understand what this “anxiety” thing everyone talked about was until I was in my 20s I finally realised I’ve been living it every day of my life haha. And my family accuse me of being moody and cynical all the time, when I’m really seriously not. It’s hilarious to me now that I was autistic all this time and no one noticed 🤷‍♀️

[@darkmaninperth]

I'm 48, I'm just coming to the realisation that I'm probably aspergers after one of my children was diagnosed with autism. I can feel a room, but can't understand why people think the way they do. It's gotten me into all sorts of problems in my life.

[@runna8325]

We will all be okay my brothers.

[@Annique]

The notion that people on the spectrum don't feel love or empathy is dehumanising and just another way that young people with ASD grow up with the message that they are defective. It's a sure setup for self-hatred and depression. My mom and dad were awesome and never did anything to make me feel like I was a burden, or that I was worthless, or that there was something wrong with me, but I still felt that way throughout my entire adolescence. If you have children or loved ones with ASD, please do whatever you can do counteract those poisonous ideas in society. Love and support is how I got where I am today at 27, with a great deal of inner peace and independence.

[@bowgart6719]

You have great parents. I've always been taught that I was a worthless burden who lacked emotion. I get depressed and even suicidal after reading all the articles on Asperger's saying that we will most likely never live on our own. And knowing that people want to "prevent" and "cure" it is so painful. Keep staying strong and don't let it define you!

[@tundra1992]

@@bowgart6719 I highly recommend watching a documentary called crip camp about the disability revolution that started at camp Jened in the 1970's sometimes things are more possible than they seem especially with the support of like minded people.

[@therespectedlex9794]

@@bowgart6719 People with Asperger's are often more inclined to live on their own, than neurotypicals. Why not?

[@ph3619]

Don't let yourself be judged by apes.

[@huntergulledge596]

You’re exactly right. I didn’t suspect my ASD at all during my early school years and just thought I was a bright kid. I didn’t receive a diagnosis until after high school when I was 17, and in many ways this has been more beneficial than if I had known earlier on. If that was the case, I would probably display more autistic traits and not had the opportunity to adapt to my environment i.e. being in classes with all the other students. I definitely agree, and because of this, I’m writing a book to flip the switch: disabilities are just different abilities, if viewed correctly by parents and counselors in a positive way. After I retire early from smart investments in 20 years or so, I plan to do some motivational speaking from my perspective which I feel will provide valuable insight to everyone. Great point!!

[@absoluteai8460]

I feel that awkward tension all the time. People have awful attitudes.

[@12DanihellDG]

Yes.

[@allancoffee]

Yes, I dont understand why he called the affective empaths narcissistic psycopaths... 🤔 (1:30)

[@HalfJapMarine]

@@allancoffee You got it backwards. Affective empathy is what psychopaths lack

[@Ken9284]

Boy you got that right.

[@pandanina]

I have Aspergers and A lot Of Empathy. Its hard, because I always feel the Deeeeep tension of the Others around me (even Sometimes when im in my room) and then I cant even eat at the lunch or just sit at a discussion, its so hard.

[@johndouglass3691]

This. I can empathize just fine...it's just extremely uncomfortable to do so.

[@LisaKokx]

Yes, thank you, kindness. I have Asperger's and I actually have "normal functioning" empathy, but either way kids are just so mean. Ever since, I've tried my best to hide my Asperger's as much as I can

[@dubay1k934]

Lisa Kokx add me on snap 😍jevology

[@Aashishkebab]

Don't hide who you are.

[@liamc1102]

People just act the way they do according to their level of consciousness. That's how I'm able to cope with it.

[@kjbennie9245]

I feel ya

[@thanoscube8573]

@@Aashishkebab we have to

[@desireeholloway3353]

"Teach kindness" -that's awesome! What a beautiful concept of teaching emphasis for children and adults alike!

[@TaliRoseinfj]

Desiree Holloway Absolutely agree! so much can be fixed with just a bit of kindness!

[@SwagSatan]

Kindness and a bit of consideration goes so far.

[@therespectedlex9794]

Saying it and doing it are two separate things. Morals are not a new idea.

[@runeblade6596]

@@therespectedlex9794 True, but with the way some people act you'd think it's some alien concept to Earth itself sometimes lol.

[@therespectedlex9794]

@@runeblade6596 I have had that impression today. At least using public transport near where Iive. Have you ever felt out of place, tense?

[@Lunnalee100]

my aspie son is so pure and honest. He is even a little innocent at 25 years old. I love him ♡

[@juanonered112]

Lol, not me

[@t-man5196]

An extreme of the male personality is innocent, pure and honest? That doesn’t sound right...

[@t-man5196]

Ethan Shaw that doesn’t sound very “male” to me

[@t-man5196]

Ethan Shaw I’ve seen it described that way in multiple sources

[@positivepessimist6853]

Bet he annoys other people, though.

[@keilaheduvan2265]

I'm 17 and only some months ago I realized I had Asperger, well, my mom realized first... (Which is funny btw, cause I went to a lot of psychologists in my life, and they never helped me out) The thing is, in school the other kids always bullied me, they considered me stupid apparently because I was always daydreaming and I acted "strange". Because of this I went through a depression, I didn't eat, I was all day in bed and I cried a lot. (This was around when I was twelve) I looked demacrated... I was bony (They could't see that, but I was skinnier, and anyone could tell that I wasn't healthy), I had big eye bags, and it didn't help the fact that I've always been really pale. Well, it seems that I looked funny like that, cause in school they keep laughting at me and calling me "dead" "zombie" or things like that. Even the teachers didn't like me, they called my mom all the time to complain about me not being part of the group, being distracted... And let me tell you, I wasn't a bad student, I didn't pay attention, but if I studied, I could approve all exams. Bit since then I started having bad grades, and I guess that gived them a reason to actually complain? Once I was sick and they left me out of the classroom with a chair and a trash can to throw up. The older students had the break by that time and everyone could see me... Obviously, no one laughed at me, they even offered me water. But the thing is, now that I'm bigger I can see how fucked up everyone was with me and it makes me so fucking mad. I changed from school around when I was 14. In the new school, my classmates were nice to me, no one excluded me. Still, I felt sick just by being in there, I didn't actually had a reason, but everyday before entering the school I called my mom and I remember begging her to please let me come back home. I was so scared of people. I mean, I knew that in any moment I would do "something" and they would start making fun of me... I can't say I'm better now, but I can socialize and I don't feel bad being surrounded by people. That is thanks to the time I didn't went to school and used to recover. The me from now wouldn't let someone abuse me, but back then I was little and I truly believed there was something wrong with me. That I was actually retarded like they all said. So when he said in the video, "I'm supossed to be the one with no empathy, how do you not understand how I feel"... I never had much empathy, I probably look like I'm really cruel. But I love my mom, my sister, and my pets. I don't love my "friends" and I don't care about a lot of people, I'm selfish towards the people I actually love but I try not to be. Still, I would never hurt anyone. I don't have much empathy, but I would never do to someone what a group of people with "empathy" did to me. Sorry for my bad english, I tried my best u.u At least if it is understandable, is fine.

[@MyLmfao2012]

Keila Heduvan I'm very similar

[@Misanthropic_hellhound]

Keila Heduvan im 21 and i have autism along with psychosis. People called me weird or a psychopath but i didnt care. I wish i could've skinned my classmates though.

[@Luculencia]

Ahhh you described my life too ;_; I feel your pain. You're not cruel! Give your pets a hug (assuming they are huggable... don't hug fish or spiders :p).

[@ryuji4076]

Your life is so similar with me... People always make fun of me

[@Libra78625]

I understand every bit but for teachers you misunderstood them by saying you don’t concentrate or something that’s what they notice when you were in class so it’s other way of helping a child to highlight the issue and to inform parents so they could find solutions

[@ChestersonJack]

It’s funny. Don’t have the cognitive empathy, but I have affective empathy, so I notice distress. I have hyper-sympathy, so I have this overwhelming urge to comfort and help anyone who is in distress. (“They deserve better” is usually my first thought.) I’m good at mimicry (as many aspie girls are) so I know the proper social scripts for showing concern and inquiring what’s wrong. And I have skills spotting patterns and connections, so if they feel comfortable sharing their feelings with me, I can (only when consciously done) think and compare their situation with experiences I have personally had, if there’s anything comparable. with these four things combined, I’m pretty good at passing for a normal human.

[@joemuis23]

I have the same thing as a guy. That does cause clashes between me and my friends because they're not concerned about feeling while I am so relationships can be disproportional like that.

[@Dominic-yf8gm]

Chesterson Jack whats really weird is I have the same thing about being able to feel others feelings and pains without them saying anything but as a guy it feels unnatural so its a constant internal clash between the male mindset of ruthless callousness and the overwhelming feeling of intense empathy. Quite the interesting conundrum and a spiritual tug of war.

[@alwaysbewhoyouare9592]

You guys might be empaths.

[@ChestersonJack]

STAY WOKE What do you mean?

[@alwaysbewhoyouare9592]

@@ChestersonJack Empaths are able to feel on an extremely higher different level EVERYTHING!! From tension in a room, to sadness or pain, worry, happiness or any deeper sense from within the world around them, with people, animals, the earth and just the collective as a whole too. Which is unseen by the majority of "regular in tune people" . Being an empath is different that being empathic or showing empathy. It is a deeper inner sense of connection in knowing and feeling, that cannot be covered up, hidden, altered or corrected. Empaths are born empaths and they are the worlds healers in a sort, for they feel and sense what others cannot "see". We feel, we feel all that is around us and it is overwhelming if an empath does not understand that they are an empath because not many people are one and when the majority can't relate or don't understand empaths they are viewed as highly sensitive , when in fact empaths are among the strongest of people and desire change in raising the higher conciousness and higher frequency of humankind and the planet. It is hard for one to decipher and process their own emotions, mind and how they feel, just within themselves. But an empath literally and physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and in every way feels others, themselves and all around them on a very intense level, whether they want to or not. It is a hard road and can be exhausting being aware and having high intuition at every moment. Not saying those resonating with aspergers are all empaths as well , But the above comments seemed to suggest some few might actually be empaths and they do not know it and they could quite possibly not know how to deal with it , or coping with the overwhelming aspects of it in which they are unaware of and in a sorts try to block it out or turn it off or retreat from it. I know this would probably be a small portion, considering many mention they lack relating to or responding to or knowing how to handle, or lack of empathy in general. Empaths are rare but extremely important and very special intuitive sensitive beings (not sensitive in a wussy way though. Lol.) sensitive in they feel more in depth and feel what others cannot necessarily perceive for what could be many reasons, I could explain but it would take even longer. Lol. An empath doesn't necessarily need to be one with aspergers or vise versa though. I'm sure it could be one or the other or even both in some cases. But just a couple comments made me wonder if some are in fact empaths. Sorry for the lengthy reply but it really does go in depth and cannot be explained in a simple quick explanation. Peace and love to you all in whatever level you feel at or resonate with, for we are all valued and equally important.❤

[@klutterkicker]

"Empathy" in the neurological sense seems to be poorly named, in that it doesn't really describe compassion but rather a "weird brain thing" that helps with social learning. In the same way "emotion" in the neurological sense is a "weird brain thing" that control what you store in long-term memory and (even rational) decision making. All sciences are filled with particular, sometimes stipulative definitions, and it's not just school kids who will be thrown off by them. There are plenty of adults too who would call you a serial killer if you told them you lack empathy. (Autism and sociopathy are in a way diametric opposites though; autistic people have trouble communicating, while sociopaths manipulate others with ease.)

[@FringePrincess]

He definitely switched the two types of empathy by accident at the beginning. (actually, having 0% effective empathy would make you a psychopath--on the opposite end of the spectrum, high levels would make you an "Empath") Threw me off for a bit, but good talk!

[@kayannefernandes8245]

no, even psychopathy have low empathy levels... the lowest but still have

[@patrickvanwormer6097]

I agree with you on both counts . In fact I commented to "R" and above and thank you !

[@patrickvanwormer6097]

A person of compassion would have the balance of the mind and heart empathy with our human family .

[@-melanie-1115]

FringePrincess thanks, was confused for 15 minutes. :)

[@amberhale460]

Im autistic and I agree somewhat about an overwhelming amount of affective empathy, like when you feel negative vibes and it makes you shake but you are not exactly sure why it´s happening. I also agree that any cognitive empathy I may have thought I have is probably processed intellectually (rather than subconsciously) just like in social situations. I have gotten annoyed with people for being rude to me and have maybe not taken into consideration (in the moment) their point of view, perhaps the rudeness upsets me so much I get too emotional to be rational about it.

[@HyperWolf]

I like how you put that, how you process cognitive empathy intellectually rather than subconsciously. I hadn't thought about putting it into words before, but it was the reason my therapist had a hard time believing I had Aspergers. She insisted that I had too much empathy and I had to explain this to her in a really awkward, very long, conversation. :)

[@SamLiesRonAnne]

Amber Hale i am exactly the same

[@liamc1102]

Bring consciousness into it

[@9000ck]

vibes. Yes, it's all about the vibe. Trust it.

[@watcherwlc53]

I think you're being generous. You should be annoyed at people for being rude to you.

[@mattsmith1318]

As a 35-year-old male with Asperger's and ADHD I consider myself to be extremely empathetic. I constantly am thinking about how my actions are going to affect the people around me. I can't help but do that. And I can't understand how other people can live their life without doing that. It's almost impossible for me to wrap my head around that. I was constantly bullied as a kid and it always made me felt bad; I never wanted anyone to feel the way I felt. That taught me to "Treat others as you would be treated". Treat other peoples' things the way I would want them to treat my things. Leave public areas the way I would want them to be when I walk in. I worked in restaurants for a few years I used to make people's food the way I would want my food to be made ( unless I ordered something that I would never eat in which case I just tried to make it to the best of my abilities). My attention to detail is off the charts but sometimes that can put me in a world of my own where I don't realize what's going on around me. At 35 I've become a lot better at being cognizant of controlling this and most of my quirks (for lack of a better term). If you've lasted this long you can see that I'm articulate and punctual. I'm also fairly intellectual although I came from a poor family so I didn't go to college because I didn't want to be a burden on the government or have student loans for the rest of my life. I thought it was an extremely responsible decision at the time but apparently I could have gotten my student loans forgiven and have a degree to show for my intellect, but alas I am now going to classes and getting on the job training to get my Precision Machinist Journeyman Certificate. I am extremely introverted and prefer the company of no one above basically anyone else at this point. But, my point? Asperger's is a blessing and a curse. It's as simple and as complicated as that..

[@bubbles190]

Do you have much anxiety/social anxiety?

[@mattsmith1318]

Very much! I've only recently gotten used to not having a car/escape route.. We went to Disney World the week of Christmas one year and I nearly lost my s**t..

[@stolenjunk]

You described me exactly

[@javieralmodovar2068]

@@mattsmith1318 I relate to that a lot I live in a Hispanic household and it always noisy and I just spend a lot of time in my rooms playing games,coding etc. school was tuff for me too because I was so socially akward but functioned enough that no one noticed bullying was just bound to happen.autism is great for focusing on a hobby but terrible when trying to focus in general. A double edged sword if you will.

[@hippyable]

Wow!

[@vocalsunleashed]

The shoe thing is so recognizable xD Understanding things litterally can be really funny, though also very inconvenient. My mum always got mad at me as a kid because she thought I was making fun of what she said, while actually I was just not understanding how figurative speech works. It always made me cry because it is even more confusing when your mother is angry at you and you don't get why. And she would never listen to my cries of "I really do not understand". The worst thing was she still got mad after I got diagnosed and she said she understood Asperger. Well apparently not as you're not really acting like it. So I told her that now she should know I was never lying when I said I really did not understand, but nope I was using my label as an excuse. My mum is pretty ignorant and I had a hard time dealing with that, so I'm glad I moved out because it will never change. Sorry needed to get this of of my chest...

[@sarahjensen2473]

Sounds eerily familiar. My mom doesn't get empathy at all. I, on the other hand, feel others' emotions quite overwhelmingly. Having an understanding of interpersonal relations around emotions seems to be beyond me, however. I don't see much of what I consider actual empathy (feeling others' pain) in "normal" people. I don't know if that's because "normal" people are less aware of their surroundings, including people, or if they are really incapable of it. Considering that you can't test for someone's feelings there is really no test for empathy. People are tested on their ability to show appropriate reactions to other people's emotions which seems to me to fit the definition of sympathy better than empathy. Anyway, learning about narcissism and psychopathy is helpful if you seem to have a lot of these kind of people in your life. Aspies seem to be a favorite prey and especially if you grew up with one (or more).

[@liakogiromi1590]

Being misunderstood and misjudged by your own parents is really the worst. I'm sorry that you experienced this. I did as well, and still do. People have a hard time accepting that other people have a different way of processing the world. Which, ironically, like the speaker in this video pointed out, is a sign of lack of empathy.

[@aihaibara3926]

I'm happy now that you moved out. But I'm still wishing your mother will change and understand you someday

[@mallardofmodernia8092]

@@liakogiromi1590 Similar thing happened with my friend who has autism as his family thought he used it as an excuse when he didnt. Also due to this he has been grounded many times over not 'admitting' he was using it as an excuse.

[@stephenrobinson4435]

did she know you had it, mine did not I'm a adhd was unrecognised when I was a kid now I'm on the autistic spectrum. aspey..

[@stvbrsn]

6:38 I couldn’t help but think of Jack Handey’s classic Deep Thought: Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you’re criticizing them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

[@Kevin15047]

I'm bad at endings too. Nothing feels natural.

[@bikadroid6265]

what i have learned, is although i know how deeply sensitive i am and how i consider myself a warm person, i over intellectualize everything and come off cold and calculatory when i couldn’t feel more different than that internally. it’s like you feel one and express another it’s so odd

[@cwdxer]

I was diagnosed with aspergers as an adult. It's hard to give eye contact, I process information differently than other people, I Adementally hate barking dogs and people with too much bass and people who are pretentious. I am very honest to a T even at times when honesty is deemed inappropriate.

[@jayleal2733]

cwdxer haha I raised a son with the same issues! He hates bass but can’t really explain y.

[@Jobe-13]

Wow

[@mr.mangles8730]

I love bass but only in my music

[@AdamsLTFC420]

Same

[@thenativist6330]

You hate everyone

[@rimaben2120]

I love when he said "we should learn kids kindness, empathy let's leave it alone, let the research play itself out"..

[@AstarAlight1]

Aspergers individuals are so gentle and lovely. I feel like they lack self awareness which is why they are not directly aware of their deep emotions. Their actions are evidence of their empathy, you can feel their warmth and kindness when around them. They are so intelligent aswell which is why people envy them therefore try to bring them down.

[@Hobnotch]

I love you ❤️

[@KangKush]

Nah they’re definitely self aware but their compassion blinds them

[@robokill387]

That's not true. We do not "lack self awareness" at all.

[@aristotle4048]

"Lacking cognitive empathy" is a two way street. Everyone lacks it for others who are not of the same neuronal caste. Now as for affective empathy, I'm almost certain some people with Aspergers lack even that. Personally - as someone who belongs, as per diagnosis, to the Aspergers tribe - I am quite aware that my capacity for affective empathy is almost entirely cognitive: as in, I understand how people feel, but only on a rational level; like I understand language. I think I could just as easily have been diagnosed as a psychopath. The thing is I have a habit of being incredibly nice to my fellow humans and I generally give the impression that I think like them unless I tell them otherwise. It's called mimicry, a lot of animals do it. I may belong to the same species as you, but do not mistake me for just another "person." Now, someone like me has a very precise understanding of the nature of why they do what they do. Neo-Darwinism tells us that all life forms are specially adapted to manipulate their environment to suit them best, and that communication is a tool employed exclusively in order to pull the puppet strings of other life forms. Most human beings use their frontal lobe's reality simulator to give them the illusion that this is not what they are doing, or that what they are doing is sharing benign information; some even think their intended impact on the world is an altruistic one. Not true. I believe I do have a relatively normally functioning frontal lobe by the way, but to me the illusion it presents me with seems rather transparent. I can see all the layers, from the ground up: from my innate biological clockwork and "reptile-brain" instincts, to the high-tech neocortex covering its tracks (perhaps I am an Homunculus). And not only that, I can see right through everybody else. Honestly, I don't know what I am, but I know things are somewhat complicated in this world within which I reside.

[@KelbAlrai1990]

That actually explains a lot, I've been diagnosed with Aspergers since I was 9, I definitely have affective empathy but not cognitive empathy, I can tell when there's tension or uncomfortableness with other people but I have no idea why they feel that way which makes me nervous.

[@MarioNiebles]

As far as I know, Asperger is identifies as being *only* cognitive empathetical but not affectively, so you may not be an Asperger but just overly sensitive?

[@kellymolenaar530]

Other way around :) @2:50.

[@kellymolenaar530]

@kelbalrai1990 I totally relate!! Except it doesn’t make me nervous, it makes me confused & frustrated, which can actually be helpful because I start asking so many questions (politely & in private of course, trying not to overstep boundaries) that the person generally tends to talk through their issues & come to a conclusion through discussion, I’m great at giving practical advice as well. Some burdens can be a blessing in disguise! 🥸 but it’s tiring & I need a lot of alone time afterwards.

[@SuperJosteen]

im bad at both side of empathy, some people said that i am unreadable, cold and unfeeling while some others said they can read me like an open book. And honestly i cant tell why people can have so differing opinions about me, it baffles me when i think about it

[@theBeaN-is-awesome]

This was such a fantastic explanation of empathy. My son Will is 12 and he has Aspergers. I will be definitely using this to explain to other people in the future. I think he is kinder than most kids at his school he just gets it wrong now and again. By the way how good is Dylon at speaking, this was very moving. My son loves to get up and talk in front of people which is a real gift. Last weekend we went to a ball raising money for Autism and he got up and made a speech for 10 minutes in front of 250 people about what its like to have Aspergers....there was a lot of tears and laughter. I'm so proud of him....

[@llarmstrong783]

my name is Will and I have Asperger's. Irony

[@emmatai88]

Well said! I also get overwhelmed in loud fast pace uncontrolled environments. My therapist is still learning about Asperger's and how we perceive empathy too. Abstract social thinking is challenging, putting your self in someone else's shoes or filling their standards. I am a visual thinker for example I get rude customer service employee then it's hard for be to think of that person being a nice person and just having a bad day when I only see them being rude. I look at the situation as A. I don't even know them and B. chances me ever seeing them again are slim to nil with ever being their friend since relationships I struggle with anyways. I care a lot about people who are close to me and people who are nice I express it through my artwork! I let them know I think differently and show them how I care for them in a different way rather than the human full on contact and physical unexpected hugs or complexed body language:)

[@Talentedtadpole]

I'm glad your therapist has the humility & sense to be learning - hopefully with your input. To many NTs telling us what it is like - argh what nonsense. Good luck treacle.

[@treycotherman9833]

Emma Morris me too man. That's why I'm getting out of the restaurant biz. I went to school for it too. But I'm just a nervous wreck all day.

[@benw9949]

Kindness -- would be a much better approach for anyone. All those kids and adults who don't like or understand other people who are different in some way really ought to try being kind to others instead of being mean to them. The Golden Rule should still and always apply.

[@newworldconcepts583]

There is no reward for kindness. Americans believe it should be a normal standard. It's when one of us fucks up and is unkind that EVERYONE notices. Terrible way to live.

[@zdenkapetrova2615]

Empathy is a learned behavior. My son throws on a eastern European accent when speaking with his grandparents who are 2nd English speakers...after some research and being bothered by his robocop accent I found out that highly empathetic people do this without realizing to try to connect. Needless to say I was proud. He is a high functioning

[@pinsolomons]

My mom taught me by example what empathy was when I was six. I lost my first baby tooth and started crying. When my mom asked why I was crying I told her I didn't want to look like a girl at school who had several front teeth missing and she had what is now known as a unibrow. My mom said "how do you think that girl feels about how she looks with her teeth missing and can't do anything about it but let the new ones grow in? I put myself in her shoes for a moment and it clicked. She said not to look down on or tease people about things they have no power to change. It's not something they can fix so have some sympathy. I admit I'm not perfect, I still have that judgemental thing every now and then but I don't voice it when that streak strikes.

[@treycotherman9833]

I seem to have both kinds of empathy but never at the same time and not always when it would be socially or emotionally beneficial.

[@raphaelchilungu7057]

I want to debunk the whole "emotionally stunted" part of Aspergers, because I personally don't think that is necessarily true. I'm an Aspie, and although I tend to be more introverted, I am very aware of other people's emotions, how my feelings work, and how to cope with them. In fact, I'm actually considering becoming a psychologist some day.

[@markos3553]

exactly the same here, let’s do it

[@raphaelchilungu7057]

@Sam draws I definitely hear that.

[@megcramerfeingold2607]

Loved hearing about the differences between emotional and cognitive empathy. Great presentation, Dylan.

[@ryoheatherwick4561]

This is extremely deep, he is literally destroying the concept of empathy, and proposing a better mind framing through kindness.

[@suziegreer8525]

Thanks for your blog it's people like you who remind me there's always someone who cares enough to make the effort.☺

[@Jobe-13]

As someone with AS I can say he described it so well! I also think this how we experience the concept of other people caring about us. We know that other people care about us, but we don’t understand _why_ people care about us on that level. We can still care about other people and love other people, but it’s hard for us to understand other people caring about us and loving us. It’s still difficult to put it in words.

[@agerven]

Awesome Dylan! First part of your speach actually demonstrates the difficulty in communicating on things like empathy (but lots of other subjects too) between people with ASD / Asperger and other, non-typicals. That's really hard and, as you noticed correctly, even hard for the psychological professional community. And then the amazing part near the end, where you explain the simularities and commonalities you found that enable the communication, in this case about empathy, at children's level: kindness, be kind and teach kindness. Very cool of you and very brave and, in my mind successful, to do this presentation and the way you did it. Compliments!

[@camillejguillot9]

I’m 31 and still autistic, so I also get it. This teaching video is inspiring 👏

[@jules6711]

Brilliant. You have explained this very well. I’ve just bought two of your books so I have a better understanding. Thank you.

[@sunshine6193]

Thanks Dylan for sharing your thoughts and feelings! Such great advice. Thanks for helping me understand.

[@LancelotGraal]

What a lovely kid. Hearing people talk like this will one day help me love myself a bit more. I've hated myself so much for being different.

[@eldoty9687]

What a great young man you are. I want to tell you that people in the world are 'confused' and base their lives on assumptions and speculations, even fantasies. So, do not ever thing that YOU are the problem. :) Wish you all the luck in the world. One more thing, Dr's 'know' AS from the outside only, don't think they know it all, they do not.

[@liamc1102]

It's all to do with whatever levels of consciousness we are on

[@catscradle3865]

This is a very insightful TED Talk. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and experience. I am ordering your book today.

[@joanneortiz3251]

This makes a lot of sense! I think this might help me relate to an aspergers friend of mine much more. Great little talk.

[@Noder]

You're a good friend, no doubt. We're always happy when people try to understand us better.

[@ohiorushbaby]

Learning about the difference between cognitive empathy and affective empathy gave me a whole new perspective on my struggles to relate socially with others. I have a LOT of affective empathy. I am sometimes overwhelmed with the experience of uncomfortability in situations where others would just breeze on by, unaware of the perceived emotional tension. I have less cognitive empathy, that is to say, I have to stop and consider how my actions affect others, and I can sometimes ignore others in ways that appear to demonstrate less empathy, but which in actuality are the result of my brain getting "locked in" to whatever I'm doing to the point of disregarding other things, even when I am consciously aware I am doing so. Thank you for explaining this to me, Dylan! Your message got through to me!

[@Sandfire564]

I remember when I first started hearing about people with aspergers lacking empathy and one even said they were incapable of feeling love and it really made me question myself and was a huge blow to my self esteem but this video was very reassuring

[@mandi.303]

Thank you for so eloquently explaining what I've been struggling to articulate for way too long. 🙂

[@samedser8613]

I've been switching social masks my whole life, reading others body language and trying to fill the void for their awkwardness around me, feeling hyper aware of their micro reactions to my behavior, always needing to obsess about a particular subject and told that, (usually when drunk) people can't get a word in because I'm overloading them about a particular fascination I have. I believe I have strong empathy towards others and feel those emotions but do not even understand them in myself... The amount of times I've not realised girls were into me because I missed the obvious social cues is crazy. I'm 31 and I've only just been told that I fit the criteria for aspergers. I'm trying to wrap my head around the idea of it. And am now obsessing over it. As per usual with me. Any advise on a definitive test to see if I am for sure? Reading the comments I've felt a strong similarity with the way people describe their situations. Strange to be this age and discover it for the first time. Would explain alot. Regardless, good luck on all of your personal journeys of discovery!

[@bzeee6537]

Dude, for the record, you rule. You made me feel soooo good about our situation.

[@nyag1764]

My goodness this is so helpful in appropriately caring for both my daughter and father.

[@loud479]

Thank you for this TEDX helping me better my understanding of my own condition

[@MiyahSundermeyer]

I have trouble putting myself in someone else's shoes and especially when someone has appeared to be ugly or unfriendly with me.

[@ratz2886]

I've always wondered why I know how people around me are feeling, but idk who it is or why that is. When I was younger it was even worse, I could walk past someone and feel if they were going to die that day. I remember this one time I was walking back to the car with my mom and sister from a restaurant, and there was this man that walked by. I sat in the car and just started crying because i knew something was going to happen to him. The next day on the news I saw a car crash with his car in the wreck.

[@allisone9329]

Thank you for that brilliant explanation😊

[@vanessaetc]

Currently having a mental break down. This is so surreal I never knew what or who I was

[@Noder]

Hope you pulled through OK.

[@solitudeguard5688]

Darran Ford creep

[@sapphirepokemonfan]

@@Noder dont listen to that dude, you were being nice, thank you for that

[@Noder]

@@sapphirepokemonfan Yeah thanks for having my back. Leaning about this stuff is painful for people so when someone says they're having a breakdown it can be as serious as any major physical injury.

[@SchneeflockeMonsoon]

We feel everything you feel, exactly how you feel it. But we have no idea why you feel it. And that’s a frustration that hurts over time.

[@alohawhy]

*I have AS but I have both empathy, how I express or respond to is where most of the time I mess up! But practicing makes it work. Although it might come or sound like (insincere) sometimes 😅 my previous training and nature of work also helped me with how I should socialize or respond to situations.*

[@RaeAnnMcDonald]

Thank you for sharing!

[@susandink]

That was awesome!!! What a wonderfully well spoken young man!!!

[@irqconflict7979]

Thanks for this. I learned that I don't have the cognitive empathy either, but I have affective empathy. Now after listening to your talk. I didn't realize that there were two types either. Thanks

[@sharonhaasbroek1799]

Dylan, you're amazing!

[@paulnurmi302]

I need to talk clearly with others but so often they don't seem to need that. When things are explained clearly and I can relate it to similar experiences in my own life it is easy to empathize. When I am with someone else overwhelmed by noise or other pressures from the people around them I can relate and empathize. Our whole self absorbed culture discourages empathy. Some Aspergerians empathize better than the cultural ideal of our society today.

[@evahoerler2304]

My son is an aspie. I wish I was, you guys are so 😎 cool. So smart and wonderful. I think you guys are definitely more evolved.

[@QuothTheRavenclaw11]

Eva Hoerler Thank you for saying that. It's always good to see people who love and appreciate us just like any other human being. Btw you don't have to wish to be us. I'm sure you are a loving parent and person who is up for doing good for the world. You should be proud of who you currently are! :D

[@Mr.BananaManYT]

It sucks so bad

[@ghuttsmckenzie4269]

Thanks but reconsider! We ain't evolved its kinda like we have a different operating system that is efficient and inefficient in some regards.

[@lookingforthemeaning]

@@ghuttsmckenzie4269 everyone else is running Mac or Windows and we are running UNIX command line

[@user-qb8yr4vb4u]

No you don't believe me.

[@MrsDoorhandle]

First, thank you for caring to do this job. Secondly, from the two options given as results in you tube, i believe yours most assertive so far. Nice.

[@garyg6000]

Thank you, Dylan. Very useful video!!

[@9000ck]

I feel I have very high empathy. I have learnt it painstakingly through studying psychology and psychiatry.

[@hatfieldrick]

Though I am definitely "on the spectrum" somewhere, I am in many ways the exact opposite of an Asperger; for instance, I can actually read facial expressions and body language far better than a neurotypical. But your point is very well taken about the different types of empathy; despite being able to read people like books, to a certain extent, I still often find myself completely baffled by the incomprehensible motivations behind the obnoxious behaviors of the allegedly normal. And in my admittedly limited experience, I find that a lot of the autistic people I meet are in fact extremely sensitive to the energies and emotions of others, but may handle those perceptions differently or perhaps even fail to handle them or understand them at all.

[@manwithaplan7091]

So would you be diagnosed as an Asperger’s still but with body language obsessions or whAt would you consider yourself as?

[@hatfieldrick]

@@manwithaplan7091-- just a guy occupying a unique position on the spectrum.

[@ansnfbsknanssshshbsnsndnd5438]

I was diagnosed with Asperger's by one psychologist but later told I probably don't have it because have extremely high "emotional awareness" and that I just have severe anxiety. So who knows who's right. I also am able to read others well. I just don't know how to react to what I'm reading.... if that makes sense

[@pearlcariadcynan1048]

Thankyou very much. That was wonderful.

[@teresamcalister7096]

Thanks for insight. Very helpful

[@tdc3298]

Thank you for sharing

[@carolinelaronda4523]

This was great . Short sweet and to the point

[@sarahleach9997]

Thank you Dylan. It was really helpful for me to understand. Love and kindness has helped me as a mother to a son with asbergers. I love him so much.he is different but so amazingly brilliant. He is married to a wonderful woman who adores him and has a beautiful baby boy.he is a wonderful father. To all you guys out there with autism take ballroom dancing. That's how he finally fit in and met his wife.❤❤❤❤❤

[@elizabethpatterson183]

Glad you are going to be apart of the Allendale Committee they need to be educated about Autism. YOU ROCK!!!!

[@magSPHB]

Hello, my boyfriend is asperger, and don't have any cognitive empathy. I want to say thank you very much for your presentation. I know that some aspergers don't have that lack of empathy, but it's also very important to understand the aspergers who have this lack. I wanted to understand why my boyfriend don't care about the problems of others, or don't feel happy for someone who is happy. But still, he is a lovely person, and thanks to accounts like yours, I can accept that lack. THANK YOU SO MUCH AGAIN

[@MadnessMantra]

I tend to feel very similarly as someone with ADHD.

[@Nparalelo]

>always knew I had no empathy >finds out there is cognitive and affective empathy >realizes I have no affective empathy >fuck

[@wither5673]

i have this obsesion with following rules and being logical. i cant seem to ever empethise with people who break rules and ignore fact and logic. in that regard my autisme/asburger's meses up my social skills. on the other hand....i ended up being an adault way erlier then most of my class did....like by 5 years....

[@solitudeguard5688]

Wither yes, but at the same time you can feel 5 years behind socially

[@JoeJoe-oj9gh]

Ok ben Shapiro

[@simplyshannon71]

I have empathy, I just don't know what to do when I feel it. I had a friend whose baby died and I ignored her for 2 months, and was depressed, which I understand now made me look apathetic and selfish.

[@KFC66]

I love you!!! I hope the best for you.

[@vasijadehonor_thebutterflypath]

Amazing video and so real. One of my kids is possibly in the spectrum and i discarded it initially because she does have a lot of empathy and kindness, but is true that she lose it during meltdowns and i was noticing it wasn't common many of her behavior around other kids or teachers, specially "mean ones". After some research i have realized this may be the case and i want to support what you are saying because my girl can be really kind and emphatic and a real sweetheart most of the time, she just lives in her own world and has a really hard time with transitions and meltdowns and she clearly relates much better with other kids on the spectrum and feels "like an alien" sometimes. Thank you so much for this impressive speech! God bless you

[@draconicrain7609]

I sometimes aren't able to read the unspoken rules, I am both too blunt and too cryptic for those around me. I can sense tension sometimes and I'm a m oblivious the rest of the time. This is annoying and frustrating for me and everyone else around me, I use a strange vocabulary compared to my peers. What do I do? I also roll my eyes involuntarily when I think. I stare off wondering a lot. I am also prone to randomly change the conversation topic.

[@dorothywalter7951]

You are adorable, and I hope life is treating you well at this time!!!

[@chickenpie9698]

Kindness yes, we will all practice in an ideal world. The interesting side for me with empathy is the perception that we are able to put ourselves in another's shoes as we have experienced somethng similar (at least in the way the word is presented in my profession). Even for a neurotypical, I feel this is impossible - at best we can imagine but there are some things we all will struggle to 'empathise' with

[@SSJfraz]

What i've come to understanding about cognitive empathy is that we're often searching for a "why" that isn't even there. We're looking for a logistical reason behind why a person feels the way that they do, when there is no logistical reason, it's simply how they're feeling in the moment.

[@Headscratcher123]

Kindness, who'd have thought it. Excellent Video.

[@ambermorrison3732]

Brilliant talkx

[@emexdizzy]

Aspergian... what a funny sounding word... I do not believe I shall ever wish to call myself an "Aspergian." It sounds like some kind of exotic fish from which you harvest caviar. But yeah, other than that, his final point is very good. I might not always be able to intuit exactly why someone is feeling the way that they feel, but kind behavior is a concrete metric I can follow. Empathy might cue you into what's going on, but empathy just makes you savvy, not necessarily kind. Kindness is a choice you act on. You don't have to understand how someone else's emotions are working to treat them with kindness.

[@juanonered112]

Lol, I call it Asburger

[@t-man5196]

Aspergerian makes way more sense than “aspergian”, afterall, it’s called Asperger’s syndrome, not asperg’s syndrome

[@danielmoore4024]

Asperger's Syndrome is named after a doctor called Hans Asperger.

[@ZackaryShindle1-933]

I think of Asperagus when i see that term.

[@ohsnapitsdiana]

My boyfriend has aspergers and the idioms thing makes so much more sense now, his humor isn’t broken he just finds those phrases amusing and sometimes literal, lmao thanks for this ted talk 🙏💙

[@stvbrsn]

My memory of the schoolyard was interesting. Cute little blond haired, blue eyed, bright Aspie very predictably attracted bullies like a magnet. But this cognitive/affective empathy dichotomy (described so well here) was like a superpower for me. The bullying quite simply didn’t work.

[@artemisa5456]

Esto es increíble, mi hermano menor tiene asperger, y es exactamente así, toma las cosas muy literales, entiende los sentimientos pero no las razones por las cuales tiene esos sentimientos, Ted es increíble, en serio... me ayuda a entenderle.

[@MarioNiebles]

Según tengo entendido, el Asperger se caracteriza por tener empatía cognitiva más no emocional. En dicho caso, tu hermano no tendría Asperger sino que sería muy sensible.

[@12DanihellDG]

Eso es falso Mario.

[@erika9353]

Why do the professionals tell us that we don't have empathy if literally every person with Asperger's says otherwise.

[@vailble8103]

I'm so empathetic its painful. I dontwant to be which is why I close off all emotions and just avoid everyone in general.

[@lifeofdrew3182]

I a lot of the time don’t understand certain feelings unless they’re explained in depth, but most of the time I put myself in their exact shoes and run the simulation in my brain which helps me feel what they may be feeling and gain more understanding for people.

[@paulmiller6647]

At 3:44 I can relate to having feeling for others yet at the same time not fully understanding human behavior yet sympathizing with it. I think extremely differently. I've been described as very nice yet awkward by my peers I totally relate to what he's describing.

[@fiercelyfarcical]

well done, bravo

[@catcraddle65]

YES , Kindness ❤️

[@stavroskassinos7834]

“I’m supposed to be the one with no empathy, how do you not understand how I feel?” THIS. This is my high school experience in a nutshell