How to Know if You're Ready For a Relationship | Relationship Theory

How do you know if you’re ready for your next relationship? Perhaps your past has left you in fear and apprehensive about falling in love again? On this episode of Relationship Theory, Tom and Lisa Bilyeu sit down to discuss such questions and more as they explore the process of entering a new relationship, falling in love again, and how to learn from your past relationships to strengthen your next one. They discuss how love should drive your decision, how to address concerns going into your next relationship, how to heal from heartbreak, and how to own up to your past mistakes so that your next relationship isn’t riddled with them.
SHOW NOTES:
Waiting for Them | Lisa and Tom address chasing a love interest that’s dragging their feet. [0:24]
Feelings | Tom and Lisa discuss how love, not apprehension, should drive a relationship. [2:53]
Concerns | Lisa shares overcoming feelings of concern she had early in their relationship. [5:08]
Forward | Lisa and Tom share how to move on from the pain of past-toxic relationships. [6:23]
Heartbreak | Lisa and Tom discuss recovering from the trauma of heartbreak. [11:58]
Fear | Lisa and Tom discuss their fears surrounding their relationship and life in general. [17:08]
All In | Lisa and Tom discuss their journey of going ‘all in’ with their relationship. [18:54]
Own It | Tom and Lisa reveal why you need to take full ownership of your mistakes. [20:14]
QUOTES:
“When you feel about somebody in such a strong way that you think no one has ever felt about someone the way that I feel about this person, that’s when you know it’s love.” [3:36]
“…you can either let things be scars or you can just really heal them and let go.” [7:53]
“The beauty of love is to know, “I can always be hurt.”” [14:05]
FOLLOW TOM:
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Podcast: spoti.fi/2xEloFL
FOLLOW LISA:
Instagram: bit.ly/2TIsoKh
KZbin: bit.ly/2IAbTcH
Podcast: spoti.fi/2IEajGW0

[@Corrans]

Well done Lisa on pointing out how Tom is coming from a place of not being badly hurt in a relationship. One traumatic relationship can totally eff you up and make you so wary and defensive.

[@JL-sw3sb]

I'm happy that you both don't try to be a model couple but open and real. This is what people want - REAL.

[@Princess.Queen.Esther]

Growing as an individual is super important before entering into a relationship. Maturity is so important for couples to last. Some think they’re mature until life tests you, I’m so happy you guys stood strong, but not everyone can. So the person saying they need growth, is an honest truth. Sure, there needs to be an open dialogue there and maybe a game plan, but definitely no rush into a relationship when someone has clearly stated they are still going through growth. Some roads are meant to be taken alone. Preparing is never a bad thing.

[@Corrans]

One can think one has processed trauma, but a new relationship can still trigger old wounds without one realizing it, because trauma creates responses that we are not consciously aware of.

[@alifeofry1637]

Very true. I delt with this recgently with trust issues popping up I thought I had overcome. In all fairness to me there were a plethora of red flags pointing to the same tragic end, so I left before it coupd happen. Regardless, I now have to face the fact I could be connecting pieces of a non existant puzzle due to past traumas.

[@brendamaillet8052]

35 years with my best friend & still love him! I wish both of you the best oxox

[@michelereho6267]

I loved when Lisa felt sad about what Tom said and yoy guys started to comunicate, it feels like that's exactly how you would do it in private, and that' so inspiring!! That is the kind of communication I'm looking for

[@karrynlipsett5187]

good luck with that btw 🤣🤣

[@karrynlipsett5187]

same here, we should wish each other the best of luck wi that coz it probably aint gonna happen. & it takes time to be able to build up to having it & most relationships don't last that long these days. These 2 r special, like me n my late man & tht was coz we were best friends frm a v young age & able to hav it out without falling out for more than 1 day in all of our many yrs 2gethr.💕

[@karrynlipsett5187]

i just noticed that was my 2nd reply to u 😄 both saying the same thing 🤣🤣🤣 & 👆🏼'this' is my 3rd. pmsl 😂

[@janam5781]

I absolutely loved this episode and how raw your communication is ❤️ something you haven‘t considered though is that maybe the „growth part“ she is talking about is referring to the amount of selflove/ self-mastery you need to have in order to have a successful relationship. In this way it would make sense to me to do the work before you loose yourself in the relationship, but of course - as you said- it is important to concretize what she means by „growth“ Thank your for the insights and keep shining ☀️😘

[@patsemchism]

That anonymous story sounds like a sugarcoated "I like you as a friend, and I know you want more...but you do not set my loins afire"

[@savvyladylondon5841]

Sadly, I think you are right. In situations like this, it greatly annoys me when people string others along like that. Be honest! Let them go, of course they will be disappointed but ultimately they will get over it, move on and find someone else who wants them back. This sugar-coated "story" is low key cruel and selfish.

[@katyhamilton9780]

Wow. That is powerful. "I want to be intermeshed with you."

[@karrynlipsett5187]

well my man wanted to travel & I wasnt able to travel so we saw each other b4 he left & every time he was back visiting home. When he was away for the 6+yrs we were both seeing other ppl. Then when he was finished his travels we got together till he died 17+yrs l8r. It is what it is - obv this guy should see other ppl till his girl is ready to commit - Seemples!☺

[@PauletteIvory]

Tom at 03.56 is everything!!! Waiting for that moment. :-)

[@valentinarex94952]

I feel like a fly on the wall of your living room! Love the honesty. What are the titles of the 5 books Tom mentioned?

[@joleencullens4381]

I want this list too lol

[@goodwill2174]

Tom and Lisa are my favourite mentors. ♥️♥️

[@Bailemos888]

OMG 5:40 what an important explanation of respecting each other, if the man or woman care about the other person, they will understand and respect the space and words.

[@rachaelmcculley712]

thank yall for this! Yall have such a great relationship that I have wonder about and looked to for so long, so to have these insights to yalls processes is amazing!

[@hanswoast7]

Tom`s reading list: impacttheory.com/reading-list-2/

[@barbaraalmeida4634]

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!! I'm breathless for the way you're so open and courageous about your feelings! 1. Eddison quote: thank you for remind me of it 2. My love life today is all on me!!! ... so true!

[@joannahzamora]

Yeah I have no doubt Tom would recover from an emotional blow like betrayal in love, but he has no idea how devastated he would actually be, not just in the initial discovery of the betrayal, but the mental flogging of ruminating on what happened and why and why didn't I see this and how can I trust anyone ever again. Business heartbreak and romantic heartbreak are not equal periodt. He's lucky he has Lisa and has never had to experience this. God bless them both. ❤

[@sarilorraine573]

Love the honesty, how genuine and real this is. The content is amazing but the setting and dynamic are unmatched. Thank you

[@marinabio2022]

I just love your conversations are so natural and real it helps me to see how an actually real relationship could work if we get to the kind of communication you both have I feel really identify with Lisa emotions, thanks for your great help guys :)

[@heavenlyheartgirl1995]

You create great energy that I want in my friendships and relationship.

[@MYoung-mq2by]

Honest and wonderfully inspiring! @Tom: Would you please update your Top 5 (+) list. I can't find a shortlist of your recommendations anywhere.

[@yulandatross3110]

You guys are awesome. I intend to have a relationship like this.

[@KNuzX]

These talks are great, very informative from a clearly strong relationship, and help me to question strengths and weaknesses within my own personal connections. Thank you

[@indyangeltouch]

I consider myself single because I don't have any commitment or serious relationship with anyone and that's why I feel like I can ack as single woman who is waiting and open to have a real serious relationship and in a real commitment, but the day that I start dating or living a real relationship I will be completely out of the single market and committed completely to my relationship. I understand perfectly when both of you talk about the fear of a person of being betray by someone that you open your heart and soul and who you start living and trusting. I understand perfectly that fear, because I think everyone in some point feel that way when they are going to start a new relationship .I use to feel that way too. But when we want to experience an amazing love and give to our life another opportunity to fall in love, to love deeply, to give our hearts and soul to someone and to have the opportunity to live an amazing story of love passion and make our dreams come true in all aspects, we have to face our fears and give the chance for love. I'm not afraid to give my heart and soul again and give my all in a relationship, but I will need to be sure that in that relationship that the Universe is giving me is going to be a direct communication, honesty, unity, equality, much love, understanding, clarity clarity, but most important direct communication. But in the mean time I still single waiting for that kind of relationship and soul connection. I'm the most faithful and loyal person when I'm in a relationship, but when I'm not in a serious relationship, I talk with the entire planet waiting to find that kind of relationship, that I'm waiting for and that I really want. I want someone who really show me that they love me, respect me and want to have a deep soul connection and a deep passionate love like I do respecting each other, helping each other, empowering each other, supporting each other, loving each other deeply. I don't know if what you said about the heroin was a joke but I don't want that in my life, not even in the worse situations. My brother was in that for years and was the terrible thing that happened to him, was terrible, he lost everything even his on daughter because of that, she is dead. She was 21 when she died of a overdose of heroin and sanax. My brother survive of many overdose and win that battle and he is clean now and living a normal like but with many health conditions because of that and one daughter dead. I suffer many years trying to safe him many times but was really difficult. He take the decision to recover and rehab after losing everything even his daughter.

[@realtalk675]

Sorry for your loss, sending much love and healing . I think she don’t mean the heroin litterely. Sometimes you think you ready but the universe still wants you to learn stuff while u single . You get what u want but not always in the way you want

[@selinaespinoza1476]

Love how he explained how he’d handle betrayed.

[@xXcLuSiv3GriNgA]

its so weird but honest lol

[@thewanderingsurgeonke9943]

OMG this is amazing. Thank you for this video!!!

[@ShiaAhlulbayt1]

Thank you! Loved this and learned a lot.

[@wjoud6759]

Hey, Thanks guys. What are the five books that Tom mentioned about ownership? I' not sure which reading list he was talking about. Thanks

[@Invisibility397]

Hey don't cut yourself down you know exactly what you are talking about and thank you for your influence on your subscribers because this advice this far better than better Batchelor

[@indyangeltouch]

Sending to both of you healing energys, light, peace, and much love 🤗💖🥰

[@orianabascunan3045]

So helpful, keep going 👏

[@musicTEArapy]

This is so raw...love this conversation 😀

[@chrissycabrera]

I’m new to you guys. Tom where would I find the reading list you mentioned.

[@maggienazer]

I need it as well!

[@SX-sv6vo]

I love the openness and communication of their relationship. We can definitely take their general advice to better our relationships. I do think that not having kids and not being parents are aspects that hinder their insight. Their advice is still applicable, just not on the same level.

[@rockyruiz5205]

Goddam, relationship GOALS!!!

[@YogawithAliBeale]

I love listening to these two. I say the same thing all the time!

[@nhvkuy4675]

Tom seems a bit dismissive and interrupts her a lot. He does not know how hard it is to overcome relational trauma. It's a work of a lifetime.

[@Onehuman123]

True

[@starberrysweetee1495]

I think that for many people who experience that trauma, there isn’t this feeling of “I’ll do better in the next relationship”, because people often immediately bring into questions their understandings of love and themselves, so it’s not the logical thing for them that it seems to be for him. A lot of people have a certain spirituality or mysticism about love that’s shattered when they realize how easily it can be destroyed. I don’t think he sees that his worldview isn’t a given for many people.

[@BonitaLiving]

❤️❤️❤️ Learned a few things about myself with this conversation 😢 Thank you

[@methhettihewa5467]

What great perspective. Brilliance.

[@JudySeegerDetox]

What is Lisa's Reading List?

[@samanthajames8174]

The recommended reading list of the top 5 books Tom made reference to in this talk if anyone else is interested - impacttheory.com/reading-list-2/ PS Tom, loved the way you described moving passed heartbreak and getting on with life; also how open you and Lisa are with one another - such an important element to a healthy, loving relationship - communication

[@angeleighguy1991]

But what are the first five books on his reading list (about self ownership)?

[@JudySeegerDetox]

What is Tom's Reading List?

[@Bailemos888]

Yeap, there has to be hunger to be with eachother, otherwise there seems to be no energy or desire for it.

[@markherrera3751]

🤘💯 never be a donter be a doer and if you want something dont be thinking about getting it you go get it

[@user-gd5tq7df8h]

Relationship goals :)

[@cleopatraleons]

Wonderful relationships only occur among wonderful people.

[@ChefLizette]

Love this

[@flowergirl1234]

Thank you

[@magiczak7083]

She doesn’t sound as in love with him. I also love how she can clearly explain her concern..

[@realtalk675]

You have a bad perspective, they are 19 years together. How many years can you maintain a happy relationship??

[@jenpaloma84]

She is a Brit, she might love him just as much, but she is trained not to show her emotions

[@magiczak7083]

@@realtalk675 lol you have bad perspective, you got triggered on the internet lol.

[@magiczak7083]

@@jenpaloma84 Very good call!!

[@user-gd5tq7df8h]

She's feeling secure and is emotional, no need to showcase to everyone

[@rakelkiedingkarbelnikoff1165]

where is your reading list?

[@Bickybaby]

What about when the girl does like the guy but she knows she isn't in a good place herself. Sure it's cool if both ppl are in the same place... but that's pretty rare. Personally... I'm asexual...i can't go into another relationship if they like sex... b4 i realised asexually was a thing i was... very... unhealthy in relationships. Codependantcey pushes me to do things I don't want to to keep a partner happy... irrogardless of my self... but I'm deluded about my happiness with a person coz i was focusing subcondiously only on the bits I loved about them, building my delusion about our relationship...by the time i click that I don't like the thing iv allowed for so long...i feel i can't change somthing iv always given "freely". It took me 14 years to realise I needed to leave my husband...i did what you say tom...i walked away and danced. Only joy and relief. Mind you... betrayal was there, I didn't want him... id others did... he partook. Can't say I blame him.

[@Invisibility397]

No everyone is accountable and responsible for everything that they attract to them and the decisions they make 25 out of 41 lived in solitude what is the problem? Damn brother you nail that communication skills hard

[@mcee555]

You guys are SO CUTEEE! ~inspired 23 year old~ xx

[@HeyyItzCris]

How do you find someone? 🥺

[@smithyyy9158]

Go to places you enjoy hanging out and do things you enjoy doing, gotta be patient

[@JVanProduction]

A business relationship is completely different than an actual relationship. There's more caveats to a personal relationship than a business relationship. There's no sex involved in a business relationship. You aren't standing physically naked in a business meeting. It would be equating a personal relationship to a friendship. They are on different playing fields with different hormones involved.

[@magiczak7083]

17min it so funny to she him have all the right answers, love her to death, but not be calibrated to her feelings real time. That’s a skill that in painfully taught and learned.

[@heyitslo]

Try it with Kratom! Super addictive but not ad dangerous lol

[@makalefitzgerald4814]

I think they missed the mark, sounds like two women who just came out to me. Speaking from experience. Could be wrong!

[@halietorris_art]

I thought the same - great advice but my mind immediately went to two women when I heard the question. 🙏🏼

[@julikayki6655]

Stone through the window?😱

[@xXcLuSiv3GriNgA]

What you´re really lamenting is your inability to read whether somebody is trustworthy or not. BOOM.

[@maxsteven2659]

Narrr she got said because she heard his plan to recover from the break up

[@lelediamondASMR]

Getting sick all the time...and...

[@indyangeltouch]

💖💖💖

[@eaf888]

got him on back up... poor guy

[@brandonrowe3794]

The dxx

[@tora-sol]

This guy is talking so much BS. He has zero experience coming out of heartbreak. It’s a whole next level. If she started riding the CC and banging another bloke. He wouldn’t know what the heck had hit me. How on earth does this guy have a channel about relationships. This is ridiculous. Wake up people.

[@superbettynow]

Why the assumption that 'Anonymous' is a man?