How To Stop Arguing! - Watch This To Make Your Relationship Last Forever | Tom & Lisa Bilyeu

Relationships inevitably have arguments, fights, and disagreements, but are you experiencing them more than normal? Are they taking a toll on the relationship? On this episode of Relationship Theory, Tom and Lisa Bilyeu sit down to address these questions and discuss how to overcome chronic fighting and begin loving each other instead. They talk about how arguing is a sign of deeper issues, why you need to choose compassion, the importance of reframing your partners motives and understanding their perspective, how to let go and move on from arguments, and tools you can use to deescalate any disagreement.
SHOW NOTES:
Constant Fighting | Lisa and Tom address a couple’s case of constant-explosive arguing. [0:35]
Collision of Values | Tom and Lisa on how arguments are about something much deeper. [3:41]
Choose Compassion | Tom and Lisa discuss strategically approaching problems. [4:34]
Reframe Motives | Tom describes the letter he wrote himself to hack his neurochemistry. [7:30]
Understanding | Lisa and Tom discuss why you need sympathy for your partner. [10:04]
Fight for Them | Tom and Lisa reveal you need to know if you want to fight for them. [11:49]
Let Go | Tom and Lisa discuss the importance of truly letting go and moving forward. [13:39]
Needs | Lisa recalls a time when both her and Tom’s deep needs weren’t in sync. [16:32]
Tactics | Lisa and Tom discuss effective practices to keep yourself rooted in love. [19:31]
QUOTES:
“You can’t let dust settle in a relationship.” [2:10]
“There’s a generosity of framing.” [10:04]
“It comes down to people’s ability to make something sacred.” [21:12]
FOLLOW TOM:
Instagram: bit.ly/2s9lU90
KZbin: bit.ly/2KWanAC
Podcast: spoti.fi/2xEloFL
FOLLOW LISA:
Instagram: bit.ly/2TIsoKh
KZbin: bit.ly/2IAbTcH
Podcast: spoti.fi/2IEajGW0

[@himal_pillay]

The best piece of relationship advice that I've been given is: "it's you both against the problem. Rather than it's he's or she's"

[@asap8058]

Agree with the

[@girlwithacellphone]

YES!

[@Seed0420]

So true

[@mryoung2381]

Sagely wisdom

[@ApriliaRacer14]

That’s helps out things in context.

[@cthornton523]

Lisa you wave that way intuitively to show your open (unarmed) hand, to demonstrate you're "a friendly." It's endearing & puts folks at ease.

[@artphotography9158]

I agree:)! Your waving is kind and it is physical communication! You are saying hi to us! That is completely normal body language

[@aishwaryasharma2448]

She takes his honesty so positively . That's a good sign they are truly happy

[@geverniveup]

To new couples in a new relationship...build good habits from the start. Even if you fight, do it in a way where you don’t act like an asshole to one another or hold resentment and spiral. It’s hard...but worth it

[@emilyngo]

Thank you for being so transparent and share your own relationship with us. Learn to forgive, forget, and move on with the relationship with your partner is really the key to a happier and more fulfilled relationship. It takes courage, strength, and self-respect, Lisa, for you to move on with the relationship and with Tom when you were upset and needed his companionship, yet he couldn't give it to you at that time. You are so inspiring as a woman, a romantic partner, and a human being. Always looking forward to your next video about relationship with Tom. ❤

[@ricardomacgomes]

This channel needs to be massively promoted.

[@LifeHacks_Central]

This video is a must-watch if you feel like your relationship is stuck in an endless loop of arguments and fights. Tom and Lisa Bilyeu drop some serious wisdom on how to break free from the cycle and start loving each other again. They reveal why compassion is key, how to see things from your partner's perspective, and share practical tools to deescalate any disagreement. Time to turn those fights into opportunities for growth!

[@Lui_Fern]

Thank you so much for starting this channel. I have been following Impact Theory and Tom ever since I heard him on Tim Ferriss's podcast. Impact theory has made such a giant difference in my mindset and work life. This channel is exactly what I have been looking for. I live with my GF and we are currently going through one of the toughest things either of us have ever gone through. We just moved in together a little over a year ago, and in that time I opened a restaurant that has been dominating pretty much all of my time. We have had some seriously difficult conversations and really have been trying to work on our relationship. But it has very difficult for me. I am closed off emotionally and no matter how hard I try it seems impossible. I really appreciate the tactical and actionable advice you guys are giving. It gives me hope that I can learn this as well and do better. Not sure if either of you will read this but I sincerely wanted to say thank you 🙏

[@LifeByAbe]

Thank you for sharing this information. I know that this will help make relationships stronger.

[@jamesrussell3963]

Recently, I realized something very important about relationships. How good are you at everything you do? How is your relationship with everything you do? When I say relationship. What's do you think first? Someone. The moment you open your eyes, you have just started a relationship. What ever you do next, you have just started a relationship with that moment. Everything you did today. You were involved in a relationship. How's your toothbrush, what did the shampoo feel like as you washed your hair? How much of each day are you alone. How well do you do in those moments alone? How well do you do with someone in that moment with you? Now, how well do you do with the one you love and want to be with?

[@dishnaranasinghe4280]

I would attribute it to being mindful and being present in this moment

[@MeeNuFer]

Such awesome tips while I work on my trust issues and how to stop self-sabotaging another relationship. Thanks guys 🥰🥰

[@wendylaxton3777]

I love your story so much about the love on the stone I heard you say it once before so my partner and I did the same thing. We each found a stone perfect for each other and I wrote Love on them and we gave them to each other. We now carry them around in our pockets. We haven’t used them yet. Thank you both so much for these podcasts I get so much out of them ♥️

[@SzechuanChickenDog]

Thank you guys. Im so upset I didn't have these before...they would have helped so much... you are able to communicate my feelings and articulate it in a way that works. I send all of these to my love. Thank you so much.

[@cthornton523]

Your next relationship will be *poppin* Keep the faith, my friend.

[@wanebros.9292]

Love is an action... Most just say the three words "I love you" This is a bad habit! I think it should be said initially! And from there, the proof will be in the pudding. Everything good will be built on total respect. Everything bad will be from disrespect! ***Just remember this, if you didn't do it in the beginning, why are you doing it now? It's not going to be perfect, but you can eliminate a lot of stuff that shows up in the rear view later by just giving a strangers respect at minimum

[@YogawithAliBeale]

This one was amazing. I love everyone but this one was just over the top.

[@amc3964]

You two are all about real LOVE. Wow! Inspiring.

[@indyangeltouch]

If I could go now and start working with both of you, i will go running without thinking to much in anything. Just thinking in my soul and heart fulfill and happiness.

[@TinaLeder]

Yesssss!!👏👏👏 It's own channel!💯🔥💃

[@amy_thome_]

I absolutely LOVE your episodes, & have watched so many of them. They are wonderful... I was wondering, actually, if you will ever move into another direction, & actually have a couple on the show with you who are having a legitimate problem, & actually consult with them in real-time on the show. I would LOVE to see real-life couples who are struggling, & watch you & Lisa address this with them. I think that would be amazing & fabulous .... It would be a nice change-up from the show, from where its just the two of you currently

[@1970anfield]

So glad to watch this now. Yes this is the relationship to fight for. ❤😊

[@Mimi25291]

I love the coin story because I can get in that headspace where I know I need to let the other person know I love them even though I feel right in my head but can’t climb down to soften my approach at that given moment.

[@shyneray250]

I love the strategies you came up with as a couple & implemented to diffuse moments of conflict. Would love hearing more of your stretegies

[@Dataanalyticspro]

Is there are book or video that goes deep on the values and rules in a relationship?

[@jeffproulx8584]

Change your locks men. Stay happy

[@jebis03]

Is there a way to submit questions to you guys? I’m in a bit of a life altering dilemma right now and I’m not sure what to do. Thanks, love the channel by the way.

[@Lui_Fern]

I would love to know this as well!

[@tagaway6173]

Did it get better?

[@jebis03]

@@tagaway6173 It did actually. I had to audit what I was thinking and doing as a result which took a couple of months before I could have a conversation that was necessary to have with somebody in my life and it worked out. Thanks for asking! :)

[@alfredalfredo5080]

My bucket has been over spilling for a while.

[@timothyoleary1213]

My heart is breaking. I’m so in love with her. She is the one worth fighting for. You the only one that has ever been. Fuck I have to let go of the things I hold onto but so does she. I know deep down we both want each other and are so madly in love it’s sick and that’s what makes our fights so hard and detrimental. You two made so much good sense and I want to model what you guys are saying but I think its too late and she won’t ever think this way that you are asking to think for a change. I’m having a panic attack just typing this and thinking about it

[@chyfields]

Interesting perspectives on business vs family commitments and the clash of individual spheres of personal importance.

[@jesseskellington9427]

I truly appreciate this talk show. I love the fact that you and your wife. Keep up the great work 👍😊👍

[@dommaxie4084]

I shouldn’t be laughing this hard but that was the best intro to a video ever 😭😭

[@N8TRONOUS]

Thank you. You two are amazing. Thank you for sharing your vulnerability! Thank you for helping us

[@wulfclaw4921]

Three rules of thumb I have learned over the years (I'm 60) are * Respecting boundaries. * EXCLUDING the words ALWAYS & NEVER in ANYTHING negative you say. Forgiveness (REAL FORGIVENESS). You guys are so non-toxic in your practices, not just titles but lived. Life is far too short to waste it on the petty BS.

[@RebekahLukey444]

I like your wave:)

[@centerforprogression3694]

You are awesome guys. Thank you for sharing your advice!

[@mdpadillajr1]

Do you have the video about your letter somewhere

[@indyangeltouch]

Plus a really deep soul connection and love. Period

[@jamesrussell3963]

How long does it take to create a cluster of neurological connections? The problem isn't what they think it is. Tom, if you were to wake tomorrow morning, and the first thing you did was think about the dream you just had. You think about it once or twice that morning. The next day, it happens again. The next day it happens again. Now, two or three times in a night you wake up right after having a dream and you can't help but think about the dreams. The dreams are vivid, real, could happen, yet, they are out of your reach in making them happen, but, still possible. Now, you are caught up in this behavior. Days to weeks, weeks to months, so on. Remember taking a spelling test and how did you practice for it? What if, you had a spelling test three times a day for a month? Now, you have a cluster of neurons designed around studying for a spelling test and guess what? You can't help it. Every time you are told to practice for a test in another subject. You're going to practice as you would with spelling words. Would it work?

[@asap8058]

Great talk.. thank you wife for shared with me

[@sqfanatic]

The coins idea is really good!

[@realtalk675]

Thank u guyss , learned so much

[@jesseskellington9427]

5:30 (EFT) Emotional Focused Therapy I'm not sure why you have not done any education with Sue Johnson's work. I've finished her book and me and my partner are working through her online. I would recommend you get a strategic alliance and go through this training for the both of you I really love to hear your perspective on this online emotionally focused therapy program :-)

[@deepdiver849]

Time for a new phrase ... from relationship to relationloop...

[@selfhelpchampion9664]

Very useful advice, also EFT(we have posted a lof EFT videos at our blog selfhelpchampion) and Lisa's Anger Management advice( posted at our blog selfhelpchampion under Anger Management) are useful tools. ❤️🙏selfhelpchampion

[@andrewbeaton5545]

Wow he was allowed to talk and dominate the conversation? Must be easy to have a relationship for him! My girlfriend would have have spoken for 20 min and as soon as I tried to say anything she would have talked over me gotten mad, accused me of saying something that offended her but been completely unable to articulate what I said that upset her, and then shut down the conversation before I say 5 words. This is bullshit. If my gf Sat there intently and listened to everything I said I'd be fine too, maybe have my own show! Unrealistic.

[@andrewbeaton5545]

This guy's even allowed to drop f bombs during his conversation? My gf would have walked out the room into the snow and blamed me

[@DandelionSpring96]

@@andrewbeaton5545 are u still with that gf of urs? Sounds fckin depressing bro

[@indyangeltouch]

I think I said everything that was in my mind for now. I love both of you and I hope you have an amazing evening full of peace love joy happiness and blessings 💖

[@jesseskellington9427]

Nice tips about the coin and the arms it really follows along with John Gottman 40+ yrs of work putting mathematics to organic relationships

[@indyangeltouch]

When I fall in love with a person that is success and with money, is not for the money or material they can offer, is because I admire so much people who are success because of their talents, and charisma, and the intelectual knowledge you all have , and the wisdom and the artistic talent and capacity, that is a reflection of of myself and what I want to be in all aspects. But is not for the material things or other reasons like many people think. I'm not that kind of person.

[@bobbinmarlie4603]

I'd truly like to but my husband actually betrayed me ten years ago . All I can say is inappropriate actions with my kid while my husband was asleep. I had to guess what it was and he has always said I was too upset about it but from what I have read and been thru in counseling it's about right how I've felt. We have been married almost 15 years. How do you suppose this conflict be resolved

[@bobbinmarlie4603]

I actually had a brain aneurysm rupture when the news finally sunk in it just devastated me. It still does at times but I'm doing my best to work thru it. I should have died and I don't want to spend the rest of my life hurt or angry. I just want to be happy.

[@yourfriendtiki9393]

This was Good

[@sandipagrawaltalks]

Nice information👍

[@RoseMary-gl4ee]

Tom, the Alzheimer story, wow… like you said, the repetition, over and over, that etching in stone

[@mikeandrew9055]

Can’t hear her talking to quiet!

[@kidsblair5071]

how do I put in for some advise?

[@amandabarrett2472]

Just wow!!

[@sarahrondo2890]

How do you self sooth?

[@Bobthebuilder886tok]

I'm socked on the lack of views.is it because ppl have nothing else in there relationship but fighting.and making up.like a bi-polar relationship

[@djas513]

But how do you know it wont burn forever tom?! These are serious character flaws against my values....such as things that would also be just business...and I know that as a very masculine female. But I am still female. 😂

[@indyangeltouch]

Other thing that I will be honest is that at one point I didn't feel good enough for both of you o the other connection because you guys are rich and my only richness is wisdom and some knowledge but I know that I need to learn much more and I will. Because I don't want to feel good enough for anyone anymore. I deserve to be happy and fullfill and loved.

[@YasminMahnaz]

Interesting.. are you an aunt? Or Lisa mom? Maybe Tom? Single also.. strange cause I don't think these ppl have kids even after 20 yrs... they love themselves. Too much maybe. Just like you love yourself. Hope he helps you out. Since they are wealthy most likely.

[@sheleania]

The intro 😂😂💯

[@mackenziephillips9528]

What do I do when the person stays mad and can't get happy?

[@burningheart2909]

I'm in a similar situation. The healthier choice would be to offer grace with therapy and some time. If the other still doesn't consider you as part of the mission, then it may be time to move on to someone who will. As the saying goes "lead a horse to water, but can't make it drink."

[@indyangeltouch]

I don't know what to do now, I think I need to find a job for now because I start this business without having enough money to do it, now I need to pay many more things and the bill continue and no sales in products or service. I know was not good idea start a business with no money to keep the business and pay everything until start growing but I was so determined to win in all cost that I risk myself and everything. But a this moment I feel block completely. Tomorrow I will feel better and more clear to find solutions.

[@gambeliangambelian7224]

If he doesn’t feel comfortable being around her he’s probably fooling around haha

[@indyangeltouch]

Today is one of those days that I don't want to do anything because I feel so down and drained that I can't. I really need a hug ,a kiss , make love to feel alive again. My fuel is love and without love and someone to hug and love I feel empty.

[@jamesrussell3963]

This couple like any couple are operating off neurological cluster in their brain. These clusters have been forming throughout their life. Parents, siblings, cartoons, movies, friends,, work...etc The best thing is to start a log. Write down thoughts, write down what you think about when you have a thought. For five days, a thought continued to pop up. A few days earlier, I met someone who behaved in a odd way. Five days later, that thought stopped. Each of those days, leading up to the 5th day had a different opinion. The only way to know is to ask. I will the next time I see them. How long do neurological connections last? Not sure. But, I will say, if, not neurons, than what? At age 10, I ran over got on my older brothers bike and rode off on it. How could I have that, that was the first time to ever get on a bike. And I could ride it pretty good. At age 47, I wanted to know about my first six years. You know birth to age six, at age six a near drowning has erased my memory. One of the things she told me. When you were five I taught you how to ride a bike. How many or 1000s or 10s of 1000s neurological connections will a high school graduate have upon graduation? Keep a log, a journal, recognize that during the day. You make adjustments for a number of people and things. So, do it at home, too.

[@indyangeltouch]

I'm sorry I didn't realize that I hurt both of you. Please forgive me. I was so confused because I waiting for a direct I love you from both of you and I never received, but now I just realized that both of you make a lot of things that show me love with actions and no the specific words that I was waiting for. But actions said more than words and both of you make so many things that said by themselves I love you. I'm sorry. Other thing that I was ashamed to admit that I was struggling to build my business and and to promote because I need a lot more to learn. And I was trying to figure it out by myself because I didn't have the money to pay someone to teach me and help me. I being trying to help others with encouragement and support with my knowledge of natural medicine and different techniques to help others to heal from different health conditions, but I was struggling financially and emotionally too. Because I'm going to be honest, I feel so alone sometimes, I'm in my humanity too and I really need love and someone to love and someone who love me like any human being in the world. Because who we really are with love and someone who we can hug ,kiss , share our thoughts and desires, and someone we can ask for advice and someone who we can make love every night, and someone who we can support and feel supported , and someone we can cuddling and watch movies together or play or dance or loud or just talk random and weird stuff. The real happiness is to have someone that we can share all of this that I just mention. I thought Lisa didn't love me and that's why I stop talking and expressing myself. But I love both of you so much and I know we can be great friends, great partners, great co-workers and a great family. And I feel that with all my heart and soul. Other thing that happened was that when I misunderstood everything I start looking others soul connection to get away from pain and feel love because I was desiring with all my heart be in a loving relationship, and give my heart and soul to someone who can value and appreciate my heart and soul and my entire being, but I just received another deception and many lies. My heart hurt so much for one more deception but I will be fine. Well one more mistake and another lesson learned. Everything is part of our growth and evolution. But I did because I was so confused because I thought he was Mark that I was soul connected by a past life. But he wasn't, he was other person trying to fool me and he did fool me. But good for me for trusting to much with blind eyes and soft heart. I'm a open book and clear waters I don't hide anything, I'm honest, I'm real, I know many people watch my actions and words but I don't care because I'm me and I'm not shame to be who I'm and be so honest and clear. That's why I feel so free and in peace, because I don't have to pretend be someone else or use mask to attract someone or something. The entire planet can read or see who I'm and everything that I do and that's fine with me because I'm not ashamed of be who I'm. Maybe I have to change some things in my life to get to the level I want to be in all aspects, but is not going to be my personality and my honesty. Today I feel completely depressed, sad , mad , but I'm not ashamed to say how I really feel at this moment. Sometimes we need to be humble and sincere of what we really feel and who we really are. I believe that sometimes porno movies are good to get away from the routine, but I believe that experience real love without porno and making real love, feels much amazing and fullfill the heart and soul. But sometimes a great passionate sex is not bad at all because keep the flame in the relationship.

[@YasminMahnaz]

Is not daughter in law job to tell you she loves you. She's not your daughter you gave birth to. Even if you did.. she may not say it. Especially if you don't say it. Such great expectations .. from non blood family members.

[@roxanageorgianapopa9363]

😢?

[@emwhite6796]

if only this worked in neurodiverse relationships :(

[@alfredalfredo5080]

I give up im out

[@labmonkey8291]

LOVE Tom but not sure about his wife?

[@DavidRoxGuitars]

The female in the dog house what

[@jesseskellington9427]

14:49 I'm surprised you not bringing up attachment science? Such as the strange experiment and the still face studies... And how poor skilled parents develops Thier children into adulthood...

[@SharonKing-xo7mk]

You start your show with curse words.

[@harleyhawkeye01]

fighting over Scammer chat businessmen relationship ( its not easy ) without video , money and cheater. in the guy can turn around to dates woman or man . Because women hard head keeping running online internet why come in Love vs Fighting

[@cathrynp3491]

Stop using bad language- Jesus wouldn't talk that way. Some of us do worship Jesus and want salvation.

[@joegrayii]

Find another channel Cathryn. Saying Fuck won’t send you to hell.

[@desert4seat]

Lmao!

[@laurastevinson3337]

🌋🔁💯Loved it!Can you say..SUBCRIBED!🎰So jealous of y'alls relationships. Way to make it look easy and thanks for totally surprising me with awesome advice.🏩🏳🌄Wasn't sur what to expect with KZbin self help so🙏💫🗽⏮

[@RoseMary-gl4ee]

I’ve also heard that sad joke, “she forgot everything but the grudges..”

[@joyeffiong2247]

I'm with a man that doesn't want to listen or show me affection and I'm pregnant for me he's a single father, what should I do?

[@indyangeltouch]

I really don't care about material stuff but I want to be prosperous in love , in knowledge ,in health, in conference, in passion, in true love and in finance to be able to help others and don't be in a worried of financial situation ever again. That's all . I want to have a stability in all aspects of life.