Reminders if your parent is narcissistic

[@MsGigi777]

I really needed this! I still struggle to this day (at 49 years old) with feeling guilty for not rescuing my mother from her horrible decisions. Logically, I know that there is so much codependency & enmeshment & parentifying of the children that goes on in alcoholic homes, but the guilt deep inside for putting my needs first is STILL there! This bs runs so deep that I feel like I’ll never be free of it all. Thank you for all that you do to validate & encourage us!! 🤗💛

[@lvalesic-bralo2478]

❤you can do it!

[@nicoleleckner7902]

I don't know if that guilt will ever go away sadly

[@valerieh84]

Hi friend, your post resonates with me so I will try to help you with two statements: 1. it was never your responsibility to save your parent from themselves. They raised you in that belief, I get that, I really do; but you will get over your guilt once you believe this. 2. We can get over it. I did, mostly; I have done it, it took about 4 years; I am still doing it because whatever coping mechanisms were stifled in us, are definitely broken, so you will find yourself going backwards sometimes. But the new skills we can develop online with the help of Dr Lepera, Dr Carter and Dr Darren F Magee, those skills will stay with us for as long as our mental faculties are unaffected by age or accident. It gets better with time and experience, I am a testament to that truth. Big hug to you 🤗

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

Grateful to be of support. Thank you for your vulnerability and willingness to share about your mom❤

[@ThereseDavidson]

Yes i feel the same. I feel so sorry for her. She now has alzheimers and she has borderline and narcissism. It feels like such a waste of a life? I have a hard time knowing where to draw the boundary of helping her/managing her life.

[@amandasmith7314]

I remember feeling such deep and profound envy of these two girls I knew in high school who had a healthy and happy relationship with their dad. He was a joyful presence who always wanted to know how they were. It was the first time I realized that it wasn't normal to be afraid of a parent's emotional instability or of saying the wrong thing and earning days of the silent treatment. I was so sad and angry.

[@buzzwithhoneybee]

I remember ALL of my friends wishing MY mom was their mom, because she was SUCH a good actress. Maybe those girls weren't so lucky as you thought. BUT ALSO, I am SO SORRY you experienced what you did at home - you didn't deserve it!!!! xoxoxox

[@heidipetrich6544]

This is exactly how I felt.

[@slowlife2158]

It’s very hard to not live in the past and hold on to the pain they caused when they are still in our lives and still causing the same pain. It’s like getting that same ancient wound sliced open yet again. Your advice really helped me today as I am visiting family and things have gone predictably sour and I am yet again tempted to blame myself while also feeling a burning rage at their behavior with no outlet and no power to change the situation. I needed your impartial voice and reason to remind me that I am not responsible for their immature responses, I can remove myself from this situation even if it’s in a couple of days, and that I am not crazy for feeling this way.

[@Eric-tj3tg]

Relatable. I am sorry for your pain. About to not join my father, sister, and niece for lunch. I'm not punishing myself pretending for an hour, and I no longer feel that any reason for not going is both honest and kind. I've been honest; not desired. "I won't be joining today. Hi to all.", is the most honest statement I can make without "causing trouble". My truth and reflection upon the dynamics are simply unimportant, and I've tried, as said herein to communicate this; sometimes quite unskillfuly, but even with more skillful methods (relating is THIS hard?), I'm apparently pushing into shame -triggers with my true thoughts/feelings being shared, and over time, I'm giving up. It's taken a long time to accept, and surely I'm nowhere near done. Best for you.

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

Grateful I could be of support. ❤

[@Katrn30]

Oh yes, I was told daily that I was responsible for my 5 younger siblings. Now I am told my responsibility is to care for my 2 emotionally immature and entitled parents. I call them the geriatric toddlers. I am in tears listening to you teaching me how to parent myself….thank you❤

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

Grateful to be of support. Thank you so much for sharing with me. ❤

[@AngeliaWhaley]

When you say anything they turn victim, oh you have no idea what I'm going through 😢

[@Jme.Online]

I'm guessing narcissistic parenting is pretty common too, considering how normalized abusive practices were and still are for so many generations. Culture shifts are very much needed towards protecting human rights, and prioritizing healthy morality and character.

[@phoebehayward7551]

Gosh. This video made me cry 😢😭 I feel so guilty all the time & like everyone is angry at me!

[@Missgevious]

Same ❤

[@babycakes8434]

They make me feel anxious and depressed even after all those years. I feel a lot of resentment. My father acts like a 2 year old and my mother encourages it, they are both most likely narcisists, one is grandiose and the other is playing victim. I don't try for them to do anything, or understand anything, I just want them to stay away and leave me alone.

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

Thank you for your vulnerability❤

[@LindsayLoo-q5d]

I feel similar. Just want them to be away from me. That’s how I can be safe, as every interaction with them now seems to end with me feeling sick or starting to cry as I drive away and reflect on the interaction.

[@trishellis1908]

@@LindsayLoo-q5dI hear you. I can relate to the pain. I finally went no contact with my mom at 59 because I finally got the clarity she would never change. The relationship was killing my soul to be around her. Once I had distance and safety from her, my healing flourished. I don’t believe it’s possible to heal without leaving our narcissistic abuser. On an unconscious level we are trying to get the love we didn’t get in our childhood. Being in their presence just keeps triggering our trauma. I finally chose my wellbeing over my moms. Sending you love. ❤️

[@AnggiSahamCantik]

My parents got divorced when I was 16, and I haven’t talked to my mom since. I spent 20 years wondering why my mom could just dump me like a random kitten in the street. But when I learned that my mother is narcissistic, it gave me closure: there’s nothing wrong with me. She’s just doing what she was meant to do. I should move on and live my best life.

[@ashleyspataro7141]

I’m 37, I’ve been working on reparenting myself since I was 17 (I moved out of my mothers house) It’s taken me 20 years to finally feel more or less healed from my upbringing. Sad to say, no contact has been the most effective way to deal with my narcissistic parents. “you can grieve the parent you didn’t have” is great advice too. We’ll probably always have the hurt, but it does it get easier.

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

Thank you for your willingness to share about your experience in healing. Love that advice as well.

[@AnggiSahamCantik]

Thank you for sharing. It seems that I'm not alone 🙏

[@mayagame]

Its EXHAUSTING.. my mother is like a dark cloud over my entire life.. she keeps getting offended over the most stupid things.. yet again I made a mistake of inviting her over and again she run away before the time after she was sulking over some silly joke.. next morning barely talking to me.. left me on my own while walking the dog and left after I came back.. thats all after me treating her to nice spa and everything else I can offer.. Absolute joke and Im so sick of it.. I keep repeating same mistakes as I simply feel sorry for her (always the victim) but enough is enough..

[@hellyeah_ellajane]

Watching because I need to learn how to not be a narcissistic parent before it’s too late. I think that anyone who grew up with narcissistic or absent parents will inevitably carry those traits into their own parenting journey. No one is immune but you can take steps to overcome the default settings.

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

Yes, you can absolutely take steps to overcome the default settings. Celebrating your willingness to do this work for yourself! ❤

[@02Minibeasts]

I appreciate how you say everything witch such convicrion. It helps it to sink in and gives me time to digest each sentence :)

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

Thank you!

[@mancdec]

I was in denial about the dysfunction. I felt sorry for my parents, conditioned that they came first.. so I kept quiet, as assumed no-one would belive me etc. Eventually in my 50's, I started speaking out, and got called crazy 😐

[@Missgevious]

Well done

[@juless5699]

Gosh I needed to hear this today. I thought my now 82yo Dad had evolved over recent years but then over recent months his narcissism (manifested mainly in outbursts of anger, rage, false accusations) has started to reappear. I'm still trying to recover from one of the worst episodes of verbal & psychological abuse I've experienced in many years. I don't want anything to do with him but in honour of my mum who died a few years ago I don't want to abandon him completely. Your reminder about boundaries was so helpful & timely. ❤

[@gigicolada]

I feel so guilty to even THINK my mom has narcissistic traits. She has straight up asked me if I thought so. It’s nerve wracking, because of course I love her and am conditioned to need her to be happy. I hope to move past the guilt of my own thoughts and just BE when I’m around her someday.

Experienced two malignant narcissists as an only child. Recovery has taken decades.

[@CARBONATED_SO-DA]

For some reason, the second point REALLY got me.

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

Thank you for sharing your resonance with me. ❤

[@estrela3889]

You made this so profound!!! Thank you for this amazing work you do!

[@robotlife2025]

This is spot on❤ Thank you- I love your posts, they are so helpful!

[@reneerosie]

This was so timely!! Thank you so very much for making this available for free. Your knowledge and validation are both invaluable to us who have suffered, and continue to suffer under the iron fist of narcissists.

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

Grateful this was timely for you and that I could be of support. Sending much love❤

[@jessicamueller509]

I have experienced everything you mentioned. I have worked through the most insane flames emotionally. I am me now and I have grown so much - still struggling a tiny bit with some insecurities but I do not get defined by others people opinions about me anymore. I love how you say that no one is the authority of truth about me. That resonates a lot with me. Nobody is but me. Not my partner, not my siblings, not my work relationships nor my friends and not societal beliefs either. No one but me :) thank you for that!

[@Katrn30]

My parents, 89 and 90 both expect their senior citizen children to cater to, and submit to their controlling ways. We have looked after our parents our entire lives, while none of us were parented much. I was parentified before age 12, kicked out at age 18, and was expected to be at their beck and call our entire lives. Now, with dementia happening the tantrums and demanding behavior has ramped up so badly that it is affecting our health (5 of us). Both have been verbally and physically abusive. How much are we supposed to tolerate? I am 67 and totally exhausted by my lifetime of servitude to my selfish, and demanding parents. When do I and my siblings get to live our own lives? My parents are going to live forever!

[@andrewandkellyareawesome]

They'll probably outlive the lot of you! Put them in a facility and start living your lives. Whatever happens, happens. It's time to choose YOU!

Only the good die young. My heart goes out to you. That situation seems impossible, but it is almost over, and you and your siblings were better children to your parents than they deserved. A testament to your character. I wish you peace.

[@robinwadsworth9775]

My mom is 93 and to save my sanity and live my life I found a memory care home for her to go to! I’m going to live my best life from here on free from guilt!! Set your boundaries. If they refuse, get an elder care attorney or social service to take over.

[@Blckrngr]

I understand your pain. Leave them. Forget about what people think. It's time

[@Katrn30]

Thank you❤️

[@courtneybookman3788]

This is a gift you have given me, I at times have gaslit myself and excused it all and just kept going back with forgiveness and unconditional love and continuing to get hurt. I am eternally grateful for this information today as well as many of your other posts you share. Thank you for being here.

[@Grateful4life4time]

I so appreciate how you talk about such sensitive issues. I want to learn (not judge, punish or condemn.) Your opening is beautiful, and eases the way into a difficult subject. Family is forever, but we have to take time to heal from certain things to be able to get to live a healthy life. All of this is very heartbreaking and I can listen to it only for so long. Sometimes I need to step away for a day or more or listen for short intervals more frequently. It’s a very painful process 🥹 Your presentation concentrates on understanding and solving the problem in a peaceful way. THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart 🙏

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

Thank you for your sharing and presence here in the community. ❤

[@LindsayLoo-q5d]

Yes I related to all this. It’s hard to imagine parents who are the exact opposite of what they presented to the world, and forced me and my sibling to live a lie about them. Behind closed doors, the truth could not be denied. Seems to be all falling down on me now as I watch them age. Very sad. And I fear what is to come for them, and so I start learning this all more and setting better boundaries. Especially to focus on me and what I want. Otherwise it feels as if they will pull me down into a very sick place, with them.

[@katierenae4848]

Thank you so much 💗 I remember as a child walking on egg shells all the time with a constant knot in my stomach and purposely mentally checking out to survive. Healing one day at a time.

[@REBEKAHJOHNSON-lh6xh]

Was raised by one. I can definitely attest to this. I’ve been reparenting myself for a good year and I’ve gotten a lot better. But one of the hardest things to do is STOP focusing on others. Especially because I can struggle with interoception, I find it hard to move forward in my life. I’m either settling into safe routines or flying into places blind. I feel like my emotions don’t know any middle ground.

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

Thank you so much for sharing your resonance and experience❤

[@simplepixel5617]

One of the best videos I've seen in this subject. And I can relate to so much that was presented here sadly. Thank you for this video! ❤

[@reemalovesmusic]

Thank you so much! The overwhelming constant feeling of guilt and shame all my life (46yrs) and feeling like I’m bad person, and it’s all my fault. Your information about grieving the parenting we didn’t get, made me realise why I’ve always struggled with a sense of ‘self, or lack of. I’ve always felt like I was nothing, no core self. Now I know from what you said, it was because I was devalued and criticised constantly. Put down, made to feel like an alien from another planet, that never made sense when I opened my mouth. No parent asked me how I felt, or what I thought and allowed and validated my feelings or thoughts. We kids just had to do as we were told, and god help us if we didn’t behave right! Smack smack Thank you for your vidéo xx

[@samanthadavis6481]

You have helped me so much in my still struggling journey to be free from the shackles I was groomed into and become the parent I needed. From the outbursts and verbal attacks to the blatant visual threat implying (a livid PMDD bipolar menopausal narcissistic mother with psychotic violent meltdowns toting her loaded and chambered shotgun throughout the house searching every room like there's a intruder despite it only being her, her enabling boyfriend and I present). Working on moving out and going no contact soon. I think it's safe to say you've truly failed as a parent if the child believes that you're willing to shoot them dead and for the child ready to do the same should the need arise. Despite what she's put me through I still love her but I cannot be her keeper anymore. I need to live for me because no one else can.

[@tubslg]

Hello :) I’m 21 and I think both of my parents are immature in some way and might be narcissistic. It’s just like you said I’ve always been there for my mum when she needed me, wanted to vent or to express her feelings but I don’t remember if she ever asked me how I’m feeling? What I’m interested in, what am I doing? My dad (and also my grandpa) was emotionally unavailable most of the time and he would just try to control and manipulate me using guilt or gaslighting. We were never close on an emotional level and to be honest I was scared of him when I was little. I’m the eldest daughter of four and always felt like I’m responsible for everything that’s happening in the family, that if something’s wrong it’s all my fault. But now I understand that’s it’s not. My siblings, my parents and their welfare is not and never was my responsibility. I still feel guilty when I am not engaging in my mom’s conversations about her life or when I try to set boundaries with my dad and grandpa, but this knowledge that I can be free, that I can help myself is really liberating. Thank you so much for your videos, they give me so much hope that everything is going to be alright ❤️ P.S. English is not my first language I’m sorry if I have some mistakes, sending you love from Kazakhstan :) 🇰🇿

[@carom6879]

Your english is great 😊

[@heyitsme5469]

I love point #2, I constantly had my reality denied. It took me until my late 40s to be able to know that I’m not crazy and everything is not my fault like they said it was.

[@AccidentallyOnPurpose]

My nmom has pretty much wasted most of my life on her, because she knows I still love her and will blackmail me with hurting herself to make me stay. I really don't have a life, and I feel like it's too late to catch up to my peers. She is very sick too, and has burned out every relationship she has so the one stuck taking care of her is me, outside of me she has nobody. I've been struggling to set boundaries and ultimately leave without something tragic happening.

[@sleeplessmax]

I grieve with you want you've lost. Life isn't set in stone and waves of change are always coming. You shouldn't have been put through that. Thank you for sharing ❤

[@sleeplessmax]

I have to remember that my parents are people too, which meant I had to hold them accountable for their wrongs, and have to try and live my life. It's worth it in the end

[@02Minibeasts]

But something tragic is happening, to you. You count too

[@Murdoch-ck8mv]

My Mum is this too. I'm dealing with feelings of rage because she made me deny my anger my whole life. I'm 50 years old and humbly coming to terms with this. Emotional incest. She is a classic paradox going on about toxic masculinity most of my life when she is exhibiting toxic feminism. 😅

[@andrewandkellyareawesome]

Oh man, I feel ya! It's total manipulation to make you stay. Do you love yourself enough to leave though? It's you or her, cause this situation WILL take you down if you stay.

[@donnag.7451]

Thank you for this fabulous video. It resonated so much for me and I find it so helpful.

[@toni-ko6zz]

Thank you so much. I really needed to hear this. ❤

[@DamePerdita]

I got healthy in my mid-teens, only for my undiagnosed mother to bully me into gaining the weight back and losing my healthy habits. I’ve never yet been able to break free into genuinely chosen habits, both from the guilt of having given in and from the irrational sense of guilt about being healthier than her. But I want to be healthy, to be comfortable in my own skin!! To be free of the memory of all the times she’s confidently asserted her belief that I _can’t_ get healthy again. Any advice?

[@cookie87105]

Anxious and depressed from childhood ❤️ I think my mum just had narcissistic tendencies, rather than being a full on narc, but I’m not sure. She had me at 16 and everything was about keeping up appearances or for show. She has never had a genuine emotional connection to me. If I ever raised any uncomfortable feelings she shot me down and explained how I was wrong because she is always right and that’s not how it really is 🙄🙄 she never supported me or took an interest in me or my likes or interests. She criticised me every opportunity. I can see now that I’ve definitely played out this pattern of seeking the approval of emotionally unavailable partners ❤ I am constantly questioning my own judgement, even my own thoughts. No wonder I’m anxious it’s exhausting. Now I’m older we actually don’t have a relationship at all. It’s almost like she discarded me for younger siblings.

[@PotooBurd]

This is so important! Thank you for sharing 🌻

[@alexisscarbrough4083]

Sadly, the small child locked inside my mother's body is very angry with everybody... Sadly, she has chiseled away at my childlish desire to get close and I have lost all desire

[@languagebattr]

alwaysss hitting the nail on head yaani 💖💐. You're such a blessing.

[@leasushi1968]

Although I've been through all these steps, it's really good to hear this from someone who's experience can make my understanding more profound. Thank you so much this one means a lot to me ❤❤❤

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

Grateful to be of support. Thank you for being here.❤

[@AmethystRoseWytch]

My dad 💯...after 50 yrs of trying to heal my relationship with my dad i Finally realized he either couldn't or wouldn't change..that was very freeing for me. It hurts, but not as much as being Continually cursed at, blamed and Always wrong no matter what the issue or circumstance...im Finally working on healing myself!

[@wyrdsisterz]

Helpful thank you for being you ❤

[@angelachan5587]

Can you do a video on narcissistic siblings?

[@feliciah8758]

This was VERY GOOD information!!!!!

[@sasharay6320]

Such a valuable video. Thank you.

[@Rhjnkiitewsxbmlp]

All of them hit home but the 4th about reparenting… yes, they’ve never asked me how I was feeling or what was I thinking… also “talk to yourself kindly how a pacient parent would” wow so simple yet so foreign,

[@autumnjimenez6482]

How can we be good parents ourselves? It is confusing sometimes knowing what is normal ir appropriate or not esp because it wasnt modeled

[@doryd3731]

Thank you , it was really helpful❤❤

[@craigmerkey8518]

Raises hand!! I felt at a very very early age that my temperament and many of my family members were a big mismatch! I am pretty sure my parents have strong NPD and AVPD traits. I spent a long time trying to put the pieces together, and the picture was hideous! My strategy since an early age before I really understood the concept was low contact! Decades later, and over 1,600 miles distance the picture is still ugly and there is little to no responsibility taken for validation seeking, childish bad choices!

[@babycakes8434]

I also run as far as I could. They can still get you over the phone, despite the distance. My mother guilts me for years about not calling more, if I was closer, she would guilt me about not visiting🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️You can't escape it....unless you go totally "no contact".😢

[@srfirehorseart]

Any advice on the best way to support our friends /extended family who are dealing with the same thing? They often are in denial about the problematic nature of such relationships.

[@imaniford119]

Thank you so much💙🌻

[@brendag5855]

Thank you 🙏

[@noab.dadoun14]

My narcisistic mother took control over my father completely, and now I need to grieve about how I lost my better parent too...thoughts of how can I maybe do better are there though I know this is just my mind's habbit to think it is my fault. Healing is so important here 😢😢

[@burakgercekk1760]

My expreince has been with my narcisistic father who always blamed me for his anger. Apperantly I am causing him to be angry or violent when I am being myself. I was always an energetic kid. My mother was busy working until late and I had the spend my all time with my father until I was 15. Until 15 I have never expreinced being myself at home because I was constantly trying to be a good boy to not make my father angry. I am 23 now, when I am alone I have no clue who I am and trying my best to please everyone around me and I am constantly failing.

[@jennw6809]

It was painful enough having a narcissistic mom. It's doubly painful to realize in my mid-50s my only sibling has become just like my mom.

[@RancidGravy]

Thought things were going okay recently. Then I quietly left the family chat for a while because I wasn't keen on watching them celebrate the election results. Wouldnt believe how quickly my stepmom freaked out and exploded with manipulation and selfishness. It was like Tetsuo losing control of his body in Akira.

[@Kiwin23]

My inner teenager is angry and i turnes 51 last week

[@heyitsme5469]

I am your age and I feel exactly the same way.

[@buzzwithhoneybee]

My mother was a weird one... FOR SURE she displayed ALL of the behaviors you described, BUT SHE ALSO would compliment me, build me up and spend short bursts of time with me. It (looking back on it), feels like "love bombing", so that when the tornado of anger came back at me, I would take it..... I wonder if anyone else had this experience???

[@nickg6529]

I am so emotionally and mentally drained from my mom. I fear for my life because my mom is also a psychopath. She almost beat my sister to death as a child and I had to watch. She broke down a door to stab my uncle. She poisoned an ex boyfriend and broke his jaw. How do go no contact? She lives 400 miles away but I live in fear.

[@sVVsam]

Just move as far as possible.good luck 🍀

[@gigicolada]

Is it possible to heal when they remain in your life?

[@Earl_E_Burd]

Re-parent myself? Dear crooked tree, re-grow yourself straight.

[@sunshineeddy6849]

Once upon a time there was a crooked tree and a straight tree. And they grew next to each other. And every day the straight tree would look at the crooked tree and he would say, "You're crooked. You've always been crooked and you'll continue to be crooked. But look at me! Look at me!" said the straight tree. He said, "I'm tall and I'm straight." And then one day the lumberjacks came into the forest and looked around, and the manager in charge said, "Cut all the straight trees." And that crooked tree is still there to this day, growing strong and growing strange. From the movie Wristcutters: A Love Story (it’s actually an uplifting movie, in spite of the somewhat harsh title)(well, as I remember it, though it has been a while since I watched it)

[@Earl_E_Burd]

@@sunshineeddy6849 Nice share, thank you

[@SwederZ]

My mother has narcissistic treats. Whenever I try to confront het with the effect of her behaviout in me, she tries tonspin it like its my fault. I see noe how shes unable to develop because she cannot accept shes not perfect.

[@oumsalma2111]

❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

[@MYKEYCARD]

💜

[@isabelll.6363]

🕊

[@taWay21]

BINGO

[@Bn6369nb]

Thank you ❤

[@swaaze1]

Thank you ❤❤