Repairing Your Relationship - Anxious Preoccupied & Dismissive Avoidant | Attachment Styles

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Our 7-Day Free Trial is live! Check out our limited time offer here: university.personaldevelopmentschool.com/pages/7-day-free-trial-yt Gain access to 45+ courses taught by Thais with all-new content, live Q&A webinars with her, workbooks and more :)

[@nuriapujolmangues1967]

thank you SO MUCH! DO we have to enter our card number anyway? And then notify unsuscription if we consider not paying all the month? thanks

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

@@nuriapujolmangues1967 yes exactly :)

[@chandra4047]

I just came across your channel and was looking for healing subconscious and information on different types of treatment personalities. I have noticed a lot of your videos are on getting back with an ex and I was just inquiring why? Do you have videos on self reflecting for the identified personal traits of FA DA etc?

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

@@chandra4047 Actually most of the content in the school/courses is about healing your own attachment style and doing the inner work so you will be better equipped in your current or future relationship. The focus is not all about getting an ex back because in reality if you haven't done any work on healing your won traumas and wound, the situation with the ex will be the exact same. -PDS team member

[@msher33]

So does your coaching school help us to work on our attachment style?

[@NaeK188]

The first few months of my relationship with my AP (I'm DA) Was spent hurting eachother. When I was upset, he would cling and come closer when I really needed space. When he was upset, I would back off and give him space when he really needed to be comforted. Neither of us had bad intentions, just complete opposite love languages and ways of expressing our love. Communication was key to fix this and we continue to have conversations about learning to love eachother. I remember telling him "I love you, but more accurately, I'm in love with learning how to love you." And this mentality really set the foundation for us both to make it work because love is something that takes practice and patience. It's still tough at times but the things that are worth it are never easy. This channel has been an absolute blessing to understanding and unraveling my DA programming so thanks to everyone at PDS :)

[@Alexandra-dm2vy]

Omg! That’s the same as I‘m experiencing rn, I always have problems with my boyfriend bc he’s AP and I’m DA. I never knew about that and we broke up because of that I thought we simply wouldn’t work together.

[@NaeK188]

@@Alexandra-dm2vy I'm sorry to hear that but I completely relate. In the first 3 months of dating I friendzoned my AP, confessed my feelings to him, and then broke up with him, only to get back together 5 days later. I broke up with him because of the same reason: I thought we wouldn't work together. "I'm not breaking up with you because I don't love you, but because I never wanted the memories we made to only be painful ones." This is how I ended it because I thought it was for the best; we were too different. In the end, we realised that we would rather sort out our stuff (attachment style and mental health) together than alone. If you've just learnt about attachment styles then maybe you could share it with him? I told my AP about attachment styles and he was really open to learning about it, in fact, both of our awareness on the topic is a big factor in being able to understand and accept eachother.

[@davidrodgers9244]

@@Alexandra-dm2vy me too, she broke up with me a month ago and will not speak to me. of course i'm finding this information when it's too late.

[@monicamurillo2084]

@@NaeK188 This is so helpful. I realized when I told my DA exactly what I needed, he was able to show up and do it for me. If I never said anything or left it vague, he couldn't meet my needs. I'm so tempted to reach out after our 2 month break up to ask if he wants to take things really slow and start off as friends with the intention of building back to a romantic relationship. All this information has been so helpful in understanding attachment styles and how to communicate!

[@seguna]

So powerful! Thank you for sharing.

[@sabrinacz]

1) deadlines 2) conversation 3) accountability 4) rebonding

[@melaniewebster]

The problem is when your DA doesn't recognize that their response is a trigger response so they dont acknowledge its something that can & needs to be changed. They believe that's just who they are. It's the most traumatic thing I've ever gone through. I wish I could just shake him awake

[@Leaveitalone1382]

Is there hope? I honor No contact religiously. But the circle never stops.

[@melaniewebster]

@@Leaveitalone1382 I honestly don't know 😕 I finally cut off all contact with my DA abt 45 days ago. My heart couldn't handle the push/pull any longer. Maybe one day he'll wake up & decide to put in the work but I can't wait around for that, as much as my heart might want to. I'm finally choosing me.

[@Leaveitalone1382]

@@melaniewebster I’ve been suffering with this behavior for 5 months or so. He’s hot and cold and cold is nuts torture. I don’t chase. I follow the rules and he shows up and acts as though nothing is off. I get sucked in and it starts all over again and I never heal

[@ImpulsoCreativo9322]

​@@Leaveitalone1382❤are u still together? I suffer so much with the same.

[@Leaveitalone1382]

@@ImpulsoCreativo9322 no. I landed in a very dark place over this. First time I’ve ever gone through such a thing and I’m not young.

[@SK-no2pp]

Sometimes the DA won’t even say they want to move slowly. If my person actually vocalized this, I’d get it. I asked for increased communication by using positive reinforcement and he just said he couldn’t give me what I wanted. Shut down. Disappeared. I was in the grey zone for 5 years 😭 this video was insightful!

[@nataliaestrella8609]

That’s the hardest part trying to communicate with DAs, unless they are really trying to reprogram their defense mechanisms, which vast majority aren’t, they just assume that we wouldn’t understand the need for space so they just shut down and shove you away as hard as they can.

[@michirista]

@@nataliaestrella8609 ughhh I hate it when they make the decision for both,is not fair at all,as the AP,DA makes decisions from what triggers them and obviously this a unhealthy and you need to make almost magic to communicate things and cross fingers hoping they don't shut down, S K five years in the gray zone that's a lot of time I'm in the "I don't know how to call it " maybe ghost zone for like 2 months ,if I'm not the one to text or make a communication there would not be communication at all and guess what .. if you try to ask if everything is fine (or assume that everything is fine in case you are dealing with an AP) you are pushed back again to the "zone" !!

[@deuxquatresixhuit]

@@michirista That's rough, I'm sorry :( I'm also in the grey zone, have been for about 4 months. It's not easy, but we always can choose to set a deadline for how long we're willing to wade in the marsh. I'm going to try to talk about it with them, and then give it another month to see how it goes. And then I'll walk, with a clear conscience, if there's no change. Wish me luck :)

[@michirista]

@@deuxquatresixhuit of course I wish you all the luck and I consider understanding and empathy is a important key with all insecure attachment styles ,in my situation I'm done ,I do all what I considered that is necessary and healthy for me and I don't try to spend more time in this zone or force someone or something,the good thing about understanding is that I know that is not her fault at some point and I walk away without hard feelings and full of love 😯 (actually I gonna give her a present ) thanks to this channel and know about attachment styles I became more secure 😊 again good luck !!

[@SK-no2pp]

@@michirista well we went through cycles .... it was on and off. Back then, I had no clue what attachment styles were

[@tingting6889]

I can say my relationship with a da has been one where I have experienced some of the most profound ego deaths I have ever experienced in my entire life. It’s made me into this hyper-vigilant practitioner of self-awareness and how to be a good person. The downside is that I will always be made aware of my inevitable human flaws despite the amount of work I do. I am an FA so I inevitably will keep vigilantly trying to be even better and better.

[@timothydelaney4839]

I really wish my DA ex and myself (AP) had been able to have these kinds of conversations. I would have loved to have asked about what was triggering him, how we could meet each other's needs better, and show each other more love and appreciation. Unfortunately he bottled everything up until he wanted out. He didn't really give me the chance to repair. If you are a DA reading this, please voice your concerns and lean into the vulnerability of having them heard, and the time for your partner to meet them.

[@sarahg2161]

You're talking about exposure work and seeing someone's courage instead of their fear and all I can think is "wow, I need to apply this to my relationship to self!". It's so easy to focus on how difficult things are, and really hard to remember to encourage myself and feel good about myself for trying anyways.

[@ravishingtwinkle3811]

Yeah I just learnt it now that I am going to do this to myself.

[@GenuinelyGiGi]

The hard part is that a lot of DA’s won’t communicate their feelings and needs… they’re averse to vulnerability… open communication requires vulnerability.

[@cameojc7555]

This video is so awesome! My wife and I are in a vicious cycle of me wanting to get close to her and her pushing me away when it feels overwhelming. FYI, I don't ask for much. Just things like wanting to spend time with her and her family during celebrations. I don't have much family of my own. I'm just realizing that our attachment styles are different and not healthy. She is finally willing to work on us (only after I was letting go), and this video will be a good start. I'm going to watch this with her so we can practice these tools while going to individual therapy. Thank you so much. Your insight is a gift to the world.

[@nataliaestrella8609]

Intro ends at 2:02

[@tucky3191]

I really liked the step by step order around 9:20. It helps give me direction!!!

[@osml2.0]

Once you get to this point it can feel like that big, "exhale" for both. Primarily for the anxious preoccupied.

[@Slaeadventures]

I’m dealing with this in a friendship that is on the rocks. It’s difficult. Thank you for your videos. They saved me

[@IAm-qf2xb]

Best wishes :))

[@realheavenandrawearth]

Are you still friends?

[@impactfully5714]

The video is very helpful. Thank you for sharing. We are 10 years and still going. We have some intense moments, but both are committed to healing and learning. Thanks for sharing.

[@nicoleflusk5434]

Awesome video! I am in this situation and it’s complicated by a long distance relationship. I gather I can’t fix things on my own though😭 He is the DA and I am AP. What a difficult relationship.

[@brittyn]

Are you still in your relationship? How are things?

[@nicoleflusk5434]

@@brittyn no it ended badly for me when I for me when I found out the reason he was so “busy” and “stressed” is because he was lying to me and seeing someone else. None of it was worth it! We never deserve to feel we have to work in order to get love and affection!

[@brittyn]

@@nicoleflusk5434 I’m so sorry. I’m dealing with this now too, long distance, even though we never defined a relationship it sure felt like one. He’s been ghosting me off and on this month and I know I should just stop trying but it’s so hard to stop caring for him and wanting to talk again. I’ve always suspected he’s flirting with other women at times, which is painful but I tried to excuse it since we never said we’d be exclusive (even though that’s what I wanted).

[@andrewhope3183]

These things just needed to be said! So very very relevant to understand the nuances we've constantly wrestled with within or with others.

[@austinnguyen9107]

2:04 6:45 What do you need in terms of reassurance: Do you want me to reassure that i care about you, have a lot of feelings for you? That I'm open to looking at this, I'm still here each step of the way, I haven't pulled back, my feelings haven't changed. 7:20 DA needs to clarify, overshare things. 9:19

[@madawageises2468]

I'm an FA and the DA would talk about feeling 'pressure' about our dynamic and progression. Interesting to note. Ended things though. I don't like being in limbo and moved on.

[@fangdrag]

The best cure for an AP and to counter the spiraling is to find a way to get their needs elsewhere, from as many different sources as possible! Then you will be unstoppable and nothing someone else does will be able to hurt you! Coming from a recovered AP here :) Was wondering if a FA would need both safety and reassurance to work through repair?

[@deuxquatresixhuit]

Recovering AP here as well :) I've also been sprinkling needs around various resources, as well as actively working on the relationship with myself. But I'm currently wondering if I'm meeting my needs through other ways, if this will affect the depth of a relationship with a significant other. What are your thoughts?

[@amandaharris7205]

Amen sister!!

[@brenagade]

I'm taking notes here, all good info. Thanks

[@Missgevious]

Any particular avenues you could suggest are good? I feel so preoccupied with wondering about my DA who is ghosting that the only thing that would match this would be for another partner to amazingly appear (a complete fantasy and I know it’s unhealthy to think this way but common for AP according to Thais)

[@rosemarynguyen]

@@deuxquatresixhuit its actually not really healthy to expect one person to meet ALL your needs. From my own journey I find that the key to interdependence is to work on yourself so you know exactly what your needs are in different contexts, then finding multiple ways to meet your needs either with support from friends and family, or through self care and healthy coping mechanisms Expecting one person to meet all your needs at all times is more akin to co-dependency and a slippery slope into toxic dynamics and habits

[@ravishingtwinkle3811]

I can't tell enough how this video is helpful , i was afraid about something which is not related to relationship and I just heard her say about exposure therapy , exposing incrementally and rewarding ownself , patting or appreciating someone else for doing so and how much it helps. I will apply this technique. So proud to see Infj like me sharing such wisdom with the world.

[@IanRoyball128]

😃 Your show makes me smile. It's a wonderful show. Seriously though, It's one of my favorites for sure. 💚 I would miss it if it was gone, So please don't go off the air. Thanks 👍

[@kuhirwa]

"True self vs. Triggered self" thank you!

[@IanRoyball128]

Thanks!

[@jordangrillo5463]

I am an AP (I deal with extreme relationship anxiety) and mf bf is an DA. Whenever I am vulnerable and explain exactly how my anxiety works and why it is like that (past trauma) he shuts down and says that's it's your problem you fix it, how much reassurance do you want (he barely gives me any anyways), I think we need a break, etc. He is so done talking about everything and I know he is so over this relationship. I know he loves me, but it seems like he can't deal with me. It's so sad because I truly do love him. He has barely spoken to me today because he wanted a break, but I said no - another break is not going to help and only drive my anxiety higher (my anxiety is already so high I dissociate). I don't know what to do :(

[@brittanyriendeau8594]

I am in the same exact situation.

[@wanyoikeesther5645]

I am also AP and he is DA so I decided to give him space and let him be.Deal with managing yourself first and everything will fall into place.

[@tierracarson9381]

@@wanyoikeesther5645 What happened when you let him be? Did he come back around?

[@brucebacchiocchi1799]

Im in the same position. It's Amazing how Thais says things my girl will say and can pinpoint time frames when they will act a certain way such as sex is less frequent at the 1 yr mark. Omg, on the money. I tried telling her a few wks ago I missed her and missed " Being with her" and that sparked an argument. All I said was I miss you and can we figure a time to get together. Now for over 2 wks she has Ghosted me. Then the other day she texts yes we need to talk 1 day but not now. So what does that mean? I don't even know if we are still together after 22 months. This drives my Anxiety and my body Aches. Sucks cause I have never Loved so much as I do her

[@sambarnes7824]

You have to learn to self soothe in those moments he's pulling away from you. Took me many years to grasp this. You can heal your nervous system...reprogramming your subconscious. It can be done

[@flipsidetruly1669]

I haven't spoken to my DA in 4 months but I still miss them so much. I was supportive and patient for 2 years, but one day I just snapped, told her to leave me alone and blocked her for a few weeks. I did it for my own mental health, but now she's deactivated and I don't know if she'll ever come back.

[@goulnazgalieva3121]

An update?

[@anothercat9600]

Very soothing and informative, thank you very much Thais! Now I understand him better.

[@roshalllambert]

Loved this video! It is great to understand what different attachment need and how to communicate

[@tiffany00nelson]

That was so great!! Really incredible! I always appreciate your videos. I feel like I've seen atleast 80.. haha I'm not sure... a lot. I'm super thankful for what you do give to us.. I've learned so much! So much!

[@deboraharies6983]

I believe the only reason I am continuing this pattern is because I am learning about my lack, what I need too learn...I see it all! 💯 And, I still participate in this relationship. We get close, so close... he leaves, I get better at understanding this, ( by the way, so does he (DA) though, still (and now we leave) ...We are equal now.

[@PanGrono]

It’s me and my new girl. She just left me because I wanted reassurance and pushed a bit too much. It’s so hard to wait for her to contact again. I still feel that she has some emotions towards me.

[@harrycrowe7873]

Yeah dude, I was with a woman for 3 months and everything was going great. One night I asked about our relationship status (something I have since learned a guy should never do) and I literally saw her attraction level for me drop from about 98% to zero in about 2 seconds. The next day she ghosted me.We got together and talked and she said she wanted to start over, but she still won't commit to meeting up in person and she won't initiate contact. She does reply to texts in a very flirty way and she comments on my social media posts. At the time she pulled away I knew nothing about attachment styles, but boy did I learn the hard way! With these avoidants it's hard to tell if they're totally done with you or they just need space. I was willing to give it another shot because I know so much more now than I did before.

[@1224polo]

Wouldn't be much much easier to date secure person instead od DA??? Let all DAs date each other. There would be a lot of distance, coldness, emotional unavailability, no closeness, no intimacy, no sex, no plans for the future... Perfect match! They would be very happy with each other

[@virgochick1]

Sounds exactly like the relationship I just got out of. No, clearly, we stopped being happy.😢 Good news, I'm working on fixing myself.

[@An_Gha_]

I watched all the videos on KZbin about DA and no one comment saying it worked out after doing the work. No one.

[@cangrejitamiry]

I found out about this 5 months ago and informed him about it and did everything for him. He still found (ridiculous!!!!) flaws and blocked me out of the blue.

[@ShimmerSoulSong]

I'm anxious leaning FA who is currently cut off from a DA and I wish there was conversation. I feel like they were not telling me things along the way. I need transparency and open communication and vulnerability practice. Since the DA was emotionally neglected they seem to tend to emotionally neglect as well. But it seems like their needs are more important when they cut off, and my need to communicate that includes the heart and not just intellectual doesnt matter. I was judged for my emotional needs before. They seem to think I dont care abt how they feel but I've always cared and wanted to know. I'm trying to do my best to minimize attempts to connect and communicate. And I dont know where we stand. We have been close friends for several years and actually bonded and do quite well in many ways. It has seemed like I'm the one who needs to transform, but I think they could also make some improvements in the area of emotional availability and empathy response practice. That's the main area. Other than that they are amazing. But I wonder if someone has social needs for attention, being seen and heard and appreciated as well as doing their emotional processing at both work and online socializing, would they even need to do that with an in person friend? What I understand now is that DA already feel unsafe being vulnerable so if someone gets upset with them, they dont see it as a call for loving attention. Maybe they dont get why AP cant find emotional support in another way.

[@manishashrotriya]

Your videos help me so much

[@carmelaruz8695]

So good the information that you put out. Thk you.

[@emilyn.9457]

I am a DA & my partner is a AP, she accuses me of cheating almost daily. I have NEVER cheated on her. I end up shutting down, getting defensive, and feeling so hopeless. We love each other a lot and want to be together, this video helped a lot. Any advice for what to do when being falsely accused?

[@LollaSahar3402]

Hey ask your girlfriend what she needs you to do to make this relationship work and make her feel at ease , she is scared to be abandoned by you like one of her parents maybe did, she loves you so much and she is mostly in pain because she think that this relationship will end.

[@emilyn.9457]

@@LollaSahar3402 thank you for that ❤️

[@Nomad.Hawk_87]

Are you still together ...? If yes, you can simply acknowledge her need for safety and loyalty... it will already be very soothing, just to feel validated in her needs... she might not still be the best at expressing them in a non accusative way, but that's the needs that are important, not the form so much... it can always be better of course but... validation first, correction second ! Wish you good luck ☀️

[@osml2.0]

Great content. Thank you!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

You're welcome! thanks for your comment :) -PDS team member

[@MrTheomighty1]

Am I seen as an AP when I am asking my SP when are we next meeting up. The last time we saw each other was about 3 weeks ago and out night was spent at the theatre. She’s been texting me every day saying I love you and miss you but I’m thinking you love me and miss me but not seen me in 3 weeks. I honestly believe now I’ve come across these styles that my SP of over 3 years is a DA. I just get told by her she’s so busy working 7 days per week and everyone wants her as all of her family members but yet she told me in a text that she was going yoga. We’ve been on and off for over 3 years and each time she runs and then comes back. When we first got together I said communication is the best policy and I am after someone who will share there feelings and emotions and wow she for filled all this and then changed after I’d say the money moon period of our relationship.

[@kirancromie1772]

Sadly, maybe, I almost laughed at the idea of reconciling with a DA. Once a fairly healthy attachment style and have worked to become very intuitive, would never want to go back to that hellscape.

[@mikaylaxam]

Thank you for this content!

[@SpicyLunarDust]

My ex DA and I haven’t spoken in 2 years. And the thought of doing this, just honestly like freaking terrifies me.. I swear, within the first year, I would have been so willing and able. But I’m honestly terrified on what I would do if my ex ever came back, which she won’t. But does this make sense to ANYONEEE??

[@djknowl3dg3]

It always seems to me that DA’s dictate everything in the relationship through their pacing. I hate it. I’m divorcing one at the moment

[@DRUCVSKAMAU]

starts @ 2:03

[@tj4787]

Thank you Thais you ate a god send 🙏🏾💜

[@mumsiedarkdragon2296]

Can you be both dismissive and anxious? I feel like I shut down and Stonewall but more cos I'm too scared to talk incase I cry. Or don't know what to say. Being with a DA is so....sad. I cry a lot. Not used to feeling so gross in a relationship.

[@komatsu8169]

Fearful avoidant

[@cellbiologyshorts9105]

Does the trial set itself to automatically recur? I am often wary of free trials that ned you to put your bank details in.

[@AshleyLebedev]

Starts at 2:00

[@tucky3191]

Thank you Thais!!

[@sarahk4830]

Dear Thais, can this r/ship work at all? Would appreciate a kind reply!

[@mollyeva9460]

Thank you 💗😊

[@kadijatuJallah]

Best video with solutions! 🙌🏾🙌🏾 I love this

[@thelion9976]

Video starts at 2:00

[@jeyster396]

Excellently

[@juuustpeachy]

I needed this so much! Thank you 🙏🏼

[@Light00121]

My AP broke up with me because he thought I wasn't meeting his needs. It was a shock for me considering how attached they were to me. I want to get them back, but I don't know how to approach them. Should I give them space and time? I know they like connection, but they have gone MIA. Also will introducing them to attachment styles trigger them? I don't want them to feel like they have a "problem." I am really willing to do the work, but I don't know how to approach them. I don't want to beg them again...

[@yereron1797]

Question Hi there, How are you, love your contains about attachment (fearful-avoidant). Can our attachment style affect us in the business world and if it does, can our attachment strategies(bad once) help us in business or other fields? An example can be a fearful type being outside themself for people's needs in their business and seeing things or understanding people better. depending on your answer I have a follow-up question

[@irynaguziy1202]

Actually there's a whole course on this in PDS university.personaldevelopmentschool.com/courses/attachment-styles-in-the-workplace-habits-time-management-and-productivity Really liked it

[@yereron1797]

@@irynaguziy1202 I am in a country where you can't even try the free trial

[@irynaguziy1202]

@@yereron1797 Oh, too bad you can't access the free trial( But you are spot on about FAs being attuned to others' needs at a workplace as well, hence being supportive and noticing even small changes. But that also leads to challenges like struggling to set boundaries, to say no, getting emotionally dumped on at work. On the other hand FAs are motivated by growth and feeling respected, so they can be very ambitious and hardworking. As an FA I identify a lot with the need to find meaning in my work, being autonomous, but can be emotionally dysregulated pretty easily, and that affects work as well.

[@yereron1797]

@@irynaguziy1202 my question is this if we worked on ourselves (taking PDS course) or another self-improvement course and became a person who set boundaries, attuned to our own emotionally need more, could this improvement take out abilities to read people, be motivated by growth, wanting respect and being ambitious

[@irynaguziy1202]

@@yereron1797 Thais mentioned a couple of times that this ability to notice changes and incongruencies will not disappear completely as FAs become more secure. It's just that you stop telling yourself stories about it like "Oh that person's mood has changed that means I did something wrong, I'm bad and I urgently have to fix the situation or save them". So it doesn't take away the ability to pay attention to people's behaviors and be understanding if your job requires that (e.g. if you're are a phycotherapist - well, for one thing, Thais used to be an FA). Thais also mentioned that our personality needs can change on different stages of our life/relationships and a lot of factors can affect that. As for everything else - I believe, that a secure person can be ambitious and hardworking as well, in that case this desire is not driven by the lack of significance or fear that "if you're not successful, you won't be enough/loved", it's coming from a healthy intention for self-realization. Please note, that I'm not a PDS team member, and that's just my personal understanding of the topic)

[@rafaelpascual-leone4771]

Does this apply also to a relationship between a dismissive-avoidant and fearful avoidant?

[@蘇蘇-v4i]

The more video and books i read ,the hopeless i felt(im AP and my ex are DA.... we broke up almost 3 months and he blocked me,i still feel hurts...)

[@Danger_Kitten_30-06]

This doesn't seem fair. I'm going through so much as a student and single parent, I need help too. I am so sick of being abandoned and having to be the one to fix things. He won't even talk to me anymore and he says he doesn't care. Is it too late

[@oliviab1142]

Can you be both attachment styles?

[@Datavinc]

Yes, Fearful avoidant

[@charlyemmalouise8929]

I honestly think that it's better to leave than try to repair things.... no matter how hard it is. it is harder in the end to stay...

[@ericeric4774]

Something I don't agree is setting deadline. As long as both feel comfortable with the pregress deadline is just pressure for a da

[@perspicacity89]

You're so gorgeous, Thais. Spiritually, especially. Thank you for this video. I am exactly in this position and this video helped me so much!!!!!!!! :D

[@Robinrapunzel]

I am 2 weeks into no contact with my da. The issue is I’m not even positive that we broke up. We had a falling out over text and he was hurt and so was I. I don’t know how to best deal! I’m an ap and this is killing me. Do I continue no contact or reach out? I know da needs reassurance and consistency but he’s hurt me too. Please advise. Together 1 year..

[@korndog81]

I'm pretty much in the same situation with my wife. She isn't very open to me right now and I'm just left confused. can you share an update on your situation?

[@Robinrapunzel]

@@korndog81 I wish I had something solid to tell you. Honestly it’s been a lot of the same craziness. I have tried to lean back and give him space while still being consistent ( not easy) I’ve tried leaning in, being reassuring that I’m here etc. we just go round and round and I’m left sick and empty. We have no ties as far as marriage or kids but we do have a very electric connection. I’m at the point of just barely hanging in. I love him and feel so awful about the way he must hurt everyday because of his wounds. it’s hard , I love him but it’s not my job to fix him. I see glimpses of pure love but it’s short lived and counter acted by sarcasm or nastiness. It’s tough to navigate. I just keep researching and working on myself. I wish you luck.

[@korndog81]

@@Robinrapunzel thanks for the update, I feel your pain. Keep strong

[@tenor335]

Did your relationship work out??? I could really use some hope right now.

[@Robinrapunzel]

@@tenor335 that’s a loaded question. We are still “together “ if you can call it that. I’m getting stronger for sure. The more he is away from me, the more I learn how to live without him. I’m sorry you’re struggling. I wish I had something solid to tell you. This is always going to be painful if they don’t do the work. I’ve accepted that I have to let go and find someone who treats me the way I deserve. Still too weak at the moment but reaching out much less and not running to the phone immediately when he does. Also not being at his beck and call anymore. Baby steps. I obsessed and was sick for so long. I finally feel like I can breathe a bit. Be strong! Don’t let them take you down. Sending strength! Baby steps..

[@babanonmobile4186]

do you think it would be a great idea to watch this video with my boyfriend? We have been together for 3 months. He is an DA and i am an AP :)

[@nv4752]

I’m a DA and if my FA comes back ( he blocked me from his phone and probably didn’t delate my number ) bcs probably most likely after two months he broke up bfs basically he said he felt asfixia over my DA tendency … should I prepare a questionary list of things just in case he comes back ? So I’ll know what to do ??? ( to be honest I think he moved on we lived toguether for 3 months and it was a long distance relationship) so I’m affraid he just got someone else after two Months that we split ! I fear a lot he blocked me as I said so I don’t think much to do 😢

[@candicepoppylee]

How slow is fair? Is 1-2 years being in limbo zone of uncertainty fair?

[@kourtneymarie8995]

where were you only like 10 years ago??

[@Natasha66666]

YES! 👏🏾

[@jaxsty4165]

Can anyone help me understand what an FA partner feels when single and seeing others in a relationship? Like at a wedding?

[@ravishingtwinkle3811]

Sad and happy

[@IsabelSmith31]

I'm totally down to validate!! I'm decent at it!! Lol what to do when your sweet avoidant doesn't even know what feelings they arr having to be validated? 🤔 I just sent your script for a stonewalling episode tho. Hopefully this a good start! 👍

[@carrielawooto9933]

My husband has caused it so I don't even know what I need unless I do it myself. I got so use to hearing about how his needs weren't being met, trying to meet his needs (and not understanding what they were and constantly failing) that I honestly can't even think or feel what I need in our relationship.

[@lucasessman1910]

Honestly I’m starting to think it’s not even worth it. Why is it my job to tell an avoidant how to be a decent human being? These people seem hopeless

[@dreamcatcher9031]

Yep I feel the same sometimes. Though the more I learn about it the more compassion I have. PA/DA dynamic is excruciating. My DA partner is opening up to me a bit more, and I can see how much pain he is in too. Its hard to be sure without words if it's the dismissive traits showing up or just the person being down right cruel and uncaring. When DAs open up a little, their vulnerability really is reassuring to an anxious person.

[@seguna]

I hear you. But I think it's so worth it when you see progress from not only the DA but yourself

[@oohcatastrophe]

As a heavily DA leaning FA these kinds of comments all over the internet are absolutely not helpful. A decent human being? Hopeless? People watching these videos are out here working on something. We are in a massive amount of pain, too. But please do not dehumanize us for exhibiting our pain in the ways that we do. This is an extremely toxic way to talk about people.

[@lucasessman1910]

@@oohcatastrophe lmfao life update on that comment 💀 found out the DA cheated on me and gaslit me ion wanna hear it. If y’all are in a relationship with somebody who isn’t securely attached therapy is gonna be a necessity

[@yunggcee7739]

I totally agree! Having to constantly be the bigger person and basically spoon feed and baby them just to get bread crumb because they’re “not ready” it’s not fair. As an AA (on the road to recovery and learning to be secure) I feel as though I just need to avoid DAs altogether. They’re an AAs biggest trigger and nightmare.

[@shabeenabeauty]

Does fear of full Commitment is normal for DA? or he is just acting up?

[@michirista]

Yeap is normal even in woman I have an experience with to DA women and both run when they know that I'm take things seriously

[@gracelepri-valitutti2633]

What if he was my crush and boss? When were slightly hot and cold but then he was seeing someone for about a year or over. He still made moves on me. I basically did act anxious now it's impacted our work. He blocked me on the database but left someone contact. I'm trying to get the job back but he doesn't believe me. He doesn't want to communicate and he said things don't know if he means it or he said it to hurt me. One l used to be good at the work, which is a lie made him alot of money and was taking me for granted and two he said too bad everything about is bad. Which that's not true. I apologize on my part and told we are both to blame. He says he did nothing wrong. What do l do to fix this.

[@gigilopez60]

How do you handle this when you live together?? He’s (da) detached and angry. I’m freaking out. He wants me to move out and I refuse. It’s his home. We’ve lived together 2 years and together almost 6.

[@monicamonica5924]

Update?

[@gigilopez60]

@@monicamonica5924 so I decided to move out. I left May 7. He has been in contact since and we have been friendly and actually gone to dinner twice. But I’m very hesitant and approaching it all with a grain of salt. He has indicated that he wants to try to fix the problems but has not made any moves to do so. I know that I have to fix me and am working on it. I can only heal myself he has to do the work for himself. 🤷🏽‍♀️

[@monicamonica5924]

@@gigilopez60 it's true 😐 I'm also dealing with a DA partner and it's incredibly hard, I'm wondering whether to leave, but I still have some hope

[@gigilopez60]

@@monicamonica5924 I have hope too and I’m deeply in love with him. But I love me more and need the separation to heal my own darkness and trauma. I pray that we can come back together healthier and better!! Good luck to you sweetheart!! It can work but you both have to be willing to put in the work. 😘😘😘

[@ImpulsoCreativo9322]

How do you deal with a DA that lies all the time cuz they think sharing everything is giving up control. And also their issue of looking for attention from other women, superficial , but nonetheless, he hides it.

[@stickyslugs]

Uh just leave

[@policeman1386]

My DA separated husband has already taken 1.5 years to get back together and still asking for more time. Is that normal? There are issues but he’s not taking any concrete steps to solve them.

[@JenniferSFrancisco]

Seems very long. Update?

[@DarkFoxV]

2:05

[@yomiseno]

Someday, I'm going to be successful romantically. And all of the thoughts I am holding right now will again, tell why I didn't work out with such people. Not because I am DA, they're just gross.

[@GirlyButScrappy]

Okay but what if the fear is having kids? How am I supposed to have increments of exposure to having a child with my partner? I want kids, I'm just afraid to and I can't push myself.

[@NM-vs5lg]

❤️❤️

[@madelineyang4623]

Or maybe he’s just not interested

[@dclarke2179]

This should be the fine print disclaimer under each video

[@michirista]

The problem is that insecure attachment styles can act like if they are not interested because fear when they really are figurative dying for interest !!! the hard thing is how to know it !!

[@seapeajones]

@@michirista Too true

[@stickyslugs]

How does one work with an AP throwing temper tantrums and lashing out when you can't be available? It's been extremely dysregulating and exhausting.

[@suzannehosein1959]

Whew

[@Gothicforever1790]

T

[@SoundsSilver]

Dismissive avoidants are too lazy for that kind of work

[@lindsay3793]

Video starts at 2:02