Why Dismissive Avoidants Shut Down After Learning About Attachment Theory!

[@lizs.4340]

So I have followed exactly this process outlined in this video with my DA and she insists she has a Secure Attachment style despite letting me know she was severely abused as a child. She got upset at me, turned this around on me, and said that I should have told her that I have Anxious/Preoccupied tendencies at the beginning of our relationship. Then she pointed out my behaviors throughout the relationship that have been frustrating for her while refusing to take any role in our relationship issues. Thus, she became very defensive and won't identify with the DA style even though she exhibits all the very obvious and classic behaviors of a DA, including love bombing at the beginning and then withdrawing affection over time. Very sad and frustrating.

[@123happysunflower]

It’s really difficult Bc my DA wants to be understood but when I finally understood him, he felt too vulnerable and got triggered. And then the natural thing to do is give reassurance but then that’s also triggering

[@vanessamonska6863]

💯

[@lucasessman1910]

Honestly me too lmao. It’s so frustrating. Should we dump them 🥰

[@alexandrachirila1917]

same...never winning game

[@dawnsprings1708]

@@lucasessman1910 Imaoo, in my experience, I got dragged on for years dealing with my DA and that back and forth. I dumped mine and honestly I have so much more peace (after the pain). Your peace is everything tbh. Ofc not all DA's though.

[@lblincoe2094]

I've stuck with my DA for 15 years (I'm securely attached, BTW) and I can attest, if they want to heal their trauma and change their harmful DA instincts, they absolutely can do it. But that IF is imperative, they have to be genuinely motivated to do the work! You cannot force them to be motivated, you cannot substitute a true, inherent, genuine motivation with your own either, it HAS to come from within them. It has to be a conscious choice they make because THEY want it and they have to put forth the effort themselves. No matter how much you want to ease the burden or do the work for them, it has to be done by them ENTIRELY. That said, for a DA who's willing to do the work and has a partner to model a healthy relationship and give them the space and patience they need to get through it, it can be done! 15 years in and I'm still seeing positive changes and progress, he's an entirely different person from the one I married!

[@howtosober]

Just add this to my long list of reasons I never want to put effort into a DA again. Heidi Priebe mentions that DAs are the most likely to self-identify as insecure out of all the attachment styles, and that their belief is "I'm okay, you're NOT okay." Automatically this makes getting through to a DA about their part in anything impossible, and even when you succeed it is rarely worth the cost of finally getting there. They will never be convinced that their behavior is the problem. You can't even talk to them about the fact that they're DA without expending exhausting amounts of emotional and mental labor only to meet with contempt, stonewalling, and the other dozen punishing behaviors from the DA that basically feel the same as narcissistic abuse. I'm totally rooting for the DAs on this channel working (miraculously) to heal their attachment style. Who knows, I may end up dating one of them- after they're secure- in which case its not a DA, it's just a securely-attached person. But to put in the amount of work required to have a relationship with a DA? Noooooooooo. You couldn't pay me enough .

[@bitofwizdomb7266]

There are DAs that have become secure . Not all DAs are the same . It’s a spectrum

[@roshalllambert]

I actually figured out about attachment theory by myself and I found relief in the label of DA as I knew there was something that could explain my behavior so well and that is how I got fascinated with the attachment theory and of course Thais had incredible and accurate content for DAs and other attachment styles which made me dig deep into it!

[@shabeenabeauty]

Does DA have fear of commitment? my bf is DA & he acts up sometimes

[@roshalllambert]

@@shabeenabeauty Yes, all avoidant leaning individuals have a fear of commitment

[@warmhart2034]

@@roshalllambert If I may ask, in what way did the childhood experiences of a DA make them so commitment avoidant? Why does emotional neglect make a person so aversed to commitment?

[@roshalllambert]

@@warmhart2034 Commitment avoidance might come up mainly because of intimacy feels unsafe and when you have the commitment tied to intimacy it makes their trapped core wounds come up. In childhood every child has certain emotional needs and when these needs are not met the child thinks that they are wrong for having those needs and the part of them that needs the nurturing is wrong. Also they start to think it’s unsafe to have a desire for such needs and they learn to repress these needs and learn to fear intimacy in adulthood. They also internally don’t trust relationships and have beliefs like it will make them feel trapped and this will especially happen if they commit as in childhood the way they related to their caregivers was in a way that was negative and they believe the past will repeat itself.

[@warmhart2034]

@@roshalllambert Thank you ...but I just don't get it! If the DA was emotionally neglected in childhood but along comes a person who gives the DA love and attention, why shy away from it?

[@shabeenabeauty]

These attachment styles are nothing less than a magic, you got tools to learn your partners behaviour & act accordingly & save relations

[@Christie_OUR_TURN_2024]

Well said. 👏

[@SangheiliSpecOp]

Its a two way street though. Your partner has to like magic tricks

[@smbritton1]

I initially learned about attachment styles from a School of Life video. I recognized my DA ness immediately. I saw my formula. This made me feel queasy for a couple weeks, but it was a welcome insight into my inner workings. I understood the problems with my relationships, why I was so uncomfortable in my own skin, and what I was attempting to work out of all my adult life. The knowledge has helped me on the road to secure attachment. I watch Gibson's videos for guidance.

[@sarahstevenson8155]

You’re amazing. I sent that School of Life video to my boyfriend and it triggered him so much he ghosted the day after a month ago and never returned. I applaud you for using it towards self-growth!

[@bellabong8862]

Great video. I got my DA ex bf to take the quiz on the PDS website, appealing to his curiosity. We did our own and shared each other's results. This got him to even join the school (or at least to pay for it for us) for a short time. Our relationship ultimately ended, but I'm glad for him that he knows what his attachment style is now, and has a great resource to work on himself should he choose to.

[@alliellioxenfree]

So sorry about the breakup. Everyone comes into our lives for a reason, it seems. Maybe discovering attachment theory was the gift you were meant to take away from that relationship. Best to you!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

that's very loving of you. I hope you are doing well and happy yourself, you deserve it :) -PDS team member

[@bellabong8862]

@@alliellioxenfree Thank you, Alison. That's very kind of you to say. Best to you in your love life! ❤

[@daviedood2503]

@@bellabong8862 damn that sucks. Should have just left the damn test alone. 😂

[@ericgeorge6564]

@@alliellioxenfree that is an excellent point. I would not have known about these attachment styles had it not been for my breakup.....and can you imagine the relationship before this was with a Narcissist and only after escaping did I learn about NPD! So I see now the difference and the similarities between NPD and DA

[@marchollingsworth4789]

I’m happy I found your channel recently. I’ve been dating a woman for 4 months now and my mind was going WTF with her - the hot and cold; the push pull; the lack of opening up; listening to her explain what makes her detach and shut down - and I now understand she is a DA.

[@MarianaRochap]

I am AP moving towards Secure, my DA husband doesn't want to get married anymore, after 3 years he decided that marriage is not for him. I am suffering, because for me he has a condition and at the same time his actions doesn't match his words. DA are not easy, I just wish he wanted to work on himself, but unfortunately we can't force someone to learn and heal their wounds 😭😭😭😭😭😭

[@mxchimomo5567]

This video couldn’t have came at a better time. I just recently learned within the week what all this was about and why I was feeling a certain way and I finally put all the pieces together.. I was excited at first but BOY did that put me down even more.. especially when reading comments about their negative experiences with people like us.. your brain could really be your worst enemy..

[@joannemcclelland5271]

At 5:34 - this is exactly what I did. I’m going through the the PDS program. I just told my DA that I’m an FA and that my security needs are not being met. He took that and ran with it. He made an effort to research FAs and my personality needs. I am sure that he considered his own attachment style when he did but I said nothing about that. He can bring it up to me. We were way off in our primary needs - he’s totally in the moment and the day to day, We thrive in the day to day. We never argue. His needs are 100% met. BUT I need the forward thinking future security of knowing we are a team. He never brought up the future because that’s not his primary need. Now that he knows my attachment style he can understand me. He could not understand why I was so off. This communication and knowledge saved us. I was about to leave and he had every intention of spending the rest of his life with me and I did not know it.

[@Thisisrenae]

Im a dismissive avoidant experiencing this. I have a really bad fear of intimacy.with myself

[@juliejay5436]

Wish you all the best. My beautiful ex partner is a DA. Take care.

[@ShimmerSoulSong]

Oh No. Now I feel worse! I'm FA and I shared with DA and told her I think she's DA. I have never felt she is Defective! She is an Amazing Human in so many ways. But I know she has felt like Not Enough, in terms of trying to meet my needs in intimate friendship. I initially told her about a book and I DID ask her to let me know if she reads it, which one resonates with her. But then I sent her your video of DA Profile. I was eager to share to give insight and inspiration for learning new tools. .I wish I could let her know that she is amazing just as she is, that she is more than enough and Not flawed or defective. I wish her to feel safe. I'm giving her space.

[@95turbogirl1980]

I sent my partner one of the videos on FA and DA in a relationship that I swear had me convinced that wr have cameras hidden our home because tne example completely sounded just like us and my partner voluntarily said she felt like she could be both, which I can also see. Her willing to engage in the topic left me feeling really hopeful UNTIL I brought up signing up for the school and doing the work to reprogram and repair the damage we caused this last year I was excited for a possible guided set of courses, we could find some structure for working on these things because regular couples therapy wasn't challenging us and we spent an hour talking about our week that usually consisted of us not talking about anything serious or uncomfortable and not doing the few vague homework assignments. I liked our therapist but I didn't see us really making progress anytime soon and now learning about the DA style and knowing how deep thos goes for her, I think we need to work on finding another therapist who has attachment theory background

[@elev8tedconvers8tions71]

Very interesting! I'm an FA and My Friend is a DA and we were trying to move into a higher level of commitment but I really wanted to talk about things we left buried when we first started dating. He mentioned that he always felt addicted to me or obsessed and I told him about Limerance. I also explained how it relates to our childhood. I said it wasn't healthy and the next day he said he was going to focus on himself, his children, and work. He said that we were spending too much time talking about the relationship to actually enjoy it. On the other hand I thought it was great that we were having these difficult conversations especially being that he kept asking that I open up more and share my feeling and thoughts. I figured if we want to move into marriage let's throw it all out on the table. I think I've pushed him away now 😩 and regret opening up.

[@sarahstevenson8155]

I hear that comment from a lot of friends who are DA in their relationships. They’ll say their partner “talks to much about the relationship and doesn’t enjoy the moment.”

[@katarzynajurczak2347]

I find the attachement theory and PDS very enlightening and I appreciate sharing this content. For a long time I have been often feeling, thinking and acting as a dismissive avoidant. I accept a possibility, that some changes could be beneficial for me and the people I relate to. However, I would like to appeal to all of you who share this theory with your relatives/ friends/ mainly romantic partners - ask yourself what is your motivation to do it and if you don't put the other person pushed against the wall in a way: "You do have a problem with attaching and building healthy relationships, and if you don't want to open up more/ commit now with me, it is a mistake you make out of fear, ignorance or other personal faults. Your arguments, feelings, needs, words are not to be taken seriously, trusted and respected, cause they are just coping mechanisms in a situation that is challenging for you, calling for opening up and attaching more. You are just running away from what is right and good for you, and you are just too scared, blind or bad too see it." You may not see it this way, but it feels like shaming and threatening into a commitment. Even working on our fears we are still different people with different needs, experiences and views on life and if there is no respect for it, and no ultimate freedom, the person will feel it and will fight back for their autonomy and dignity. Even if they notice and agree with some of your theories. But the ultimate gift of love to me is: "I respect you as a person and even if it hurts - very often both people feel the hurt of separation - I still respect you if you cannot commit and I let you make your own decisions". Especially if the avoidant person tries their best and does not mess up with cheating, lying or other disrespectful behaviours. Also, they may really love you too and they feel pain but they just cannot or does not want for other reasons. Please, just listen to the person's words not only through the filter of your needs, desires or attachment theory. This is not the ultimate truth about everything, life is more complex. I am sending encouragement to everyone who struggles in relationships :)

[@namelessbrat7197]

The motivation is simply: I am undertaking work on myself to heal. It is documented that if only one person does the work, the relationship ends up breaking down. So because I care about both your wellbeing (as being insecure is a torture) and our relationship, I will share the wisdom in case you choose to embrace it. As for the thoughts that you have, I can't help it. You are free to take it as you wish. If you decode to take it as a giant personal offence and get shame bound by it, then it only means you would have really benefited from it. Wether you see that or not.

[@TarikVann]

Good run through, was helpful. Just a note, starting a video off being sold for 2 mins (almost a third of your entire video) would usually just make me click off, I just skipped through. But just like those people messaging you about the free trial, this video is going to act like one to me, if you try to sell to me before I even know what you're doing, I'm out. Chuck a 1 min prerecorded ad in the middle and you'll get a lot more support.

[@leanneharper100]

No one: KZbin Subtitles: hi, my name is Taggie Skibson... 😂

[@adamwood87]

my relationship started having trouble, that lead me to Thais' channel. i was excited to learn about attachment theory, and shared videos with my FA; she acted like it was important, until we went to couples' therapy the next day, then her exact words to the therapist were "i don't want to spend too much time talking about attachment theory."

[@Killernochance]

yikes, same

[@sadiqua7]

I needed this! I keep itching to send your vids to my ex but don’t want to offend him. This is such a great idea.if he ever reaches out to me I’ll try it. I’ve decided to go no contact since he shut down when I told him I missed him. It’s been 2weeks. Not sure where he’s at emotionally right now, so won’t pick the scab.

[@tillycomedy2194]

i discovered your attachment style quiz through a ytube ad last year? and took the quiz. but it's only now that i decided to check out your channel and wow! your channel is a well of knowledge! thank you thais for the wonderful work that you do!

[@nikkipvt403]

I feel sad for the people commenting “DA’s aren’t worth it”… everyone deserves love and encouragement. I think the people here are either trying to help and love a DA/FA or trying to work on themselves, those comments are not helpful and this is probably not the platform for you! EVERYONE has issues they’re working on or going through, please be mindful of how your unnecessary comments may be interpreted by some working on themselves or a loved one. They deserve to feel loved too

[@amyk8600]

Haha! My DA husband just left 2 months ago while my mom is going through treatment for stage 4 cancer!! Meeting him is the biggest mistake of my life.

[@bitofwizdomb7266]

Yea the interesting thing is that those who are saying negative things about DAs aren’t even aware of their own style . There is no such thing as a perfectly secure person . They also go thru some wounds as well but the difference is that they are more resilient and bounce back faster . I was AP and my wife is DA. I’m within the secure spectrum now and am able to help my DA . No one really realizes that they themselves are part of the problem of keeping the cycle going

[@alliellioxenfree]

Opposite variation on a theme happened to me. Probably an anomaly, but the AP in my life wigged out over attachment theory. Never suggested she wasn't secure, just that I was DA and working on it.

[@Sirenamia777]

Totally true when we feel understood that's so scary. Like you see all that's wrong with me and why😥

[@lucamichalak6266]

Thank you SO MUCH for leaving this up, because (just like you said in the video) I was absolutely going to go "omg check out attachment theory, it describes us PERFECTLY and is ABSOLUTELY THE SOLUTION TO ALL OUR PROBLEMS" and then he would have told me how defective he felt and shut down for weeks again 🙃 Thanks for suggesting another way to bring it up casually so that I don't have to hold it in, either. I don't want a one-sided relationship!

[@mariaarroyo-segovia4448]

I love the way you express yourself Thais!! Fantastic.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Our 7-Day Free Trial is live! Check out our limited time offer here: university.personaldevelopmentschool.com/pages/7-day-free-trial-yt Gain access to 45+ courses taught by Thais with all-new content, live Q&A webinars with her, workbooks and more :)

[@andrewvo8395]

I respect your work Thais, but with the majority of DAs out there, they are so damaged already that if you even suggest they have an attachment style outside of being secure, they will take it as a critique of who they are and absolutely shut you down. They are always in a relationship with one foot out the door and you know this. Playing the game of “this is who I am and my attachment style, what’s yours” is like saying to your overweight partner “hey I want to get in shape, let’s join the gym together.” Sorry but this won’t work. The only way a DA will get help is through self actualization. They have to seek out why they are the way they are and want to improve or risk being alone. You have to participate in your own rescue.

[@sshuteandrew]

Agreed

[@almy75]

....very well said!

[@ericgeorge6564]

Excellent observation. Trying to rescue " the damsel in distress" always fails. They have to rescue themselves and probably when it finally hits them hard that they have lost someone who truly loved them and cared about them!! Sometimes we need this kind of awaking to get "saved".

[@TarikVann]

In the end patience and creating a space they feel ok with being vulnerable is key. If they feel safe enough, which may take time, will often provide a space for them to finally start admitting things.

[@UnacceptableTee]

@@TarikVann oh it will take time. Their partner waiting is a skeleton 🩻

[@Bulldogsrentfree-m7g]

Interesting analysis. Being a DA, I just found the subject matter Interesting because I found something I could relate to. 🤷🏿‍♂️ However, since people are resistant to change, I can see why someone would shut down.

[@janeharris6734]

I am like you Thais......love to share with to help others. Maybe when sharing this information with someone is to explain it as 'An' (not 'our') attachment style does not define us as a person as being just that, and an attachment style is changeable!!! How good is that 😀 I intentionally used the word 'an' rather than 'you or yours' so the other person doesn't think I am labelling them as being defective.

[@francesca112]

Da does not want to be aware of anything and change anything. He will always live this way, safe and alone. I can't decide if it might be a good life after all. Will someone help me understand this one?

[@WestieKatie]

I don’t think it’s good. As an FA, it took a dear family members death for me to realize/acknowledge the FA, feel the isolation and want to change.

[@pakirthanp5611]

Thank you for this information ❤️❤️

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

You're very welcome! Glad you like it :) -PDS team member

[@leahkmarshall]

Fascinating- love this topic and the explanation!

[@andrewboyddotcom]

After 10 weeks No Contact with my DA we bump into each other (accidently on purpose ;)) and she exclaims "we have to talk"... exactly according to script. So we arange to meet a week down the line - I made myself very busy. HILARIOUS !!! I'm creased up. This video is the next instalment. You couldn't invent it. I'm in LUV. :) :) :) HoHoHo and a bottle of rum.

[@austinnguyen9107]

1:52 2:45 how DA would interpret 4:17 DA feels unsafe when too understood (you see I am defective), to avoid vulnerable (unsafe) 5:12 6:13 6:53 7:42 8:28

[@sarahstevenson8155]

My DA ex literally said he needed a break the day after I sent him two videos about avoidant/anxious attachment. That was a month ago and we haven’t spoken since.

[@valeriebrazzell1733]

Can you have a similar response from the person when they are the ones who introduced to you the fact they think DA describes them?

[@estelao.b.1473]

This is so true

[@Unxpekted]

What is the price after the 7 day free trial?

[@raynaswete9474]

Love your content Thais, I'm AP and I've learned SO much !!. I would love to try the free trial but do I have to actually make a payment at the end of the 7 days, and then request a refund if I decide to not take up a subscription?

[@Revolution-tl5wo]

It's honestly so much better and smarter just to heal yourself and then find someone who is securely attached. Avoidant partners aren't worth it, especially not DAs. The amount of work and heartache you have to put up with is never equal to whatever piddly returns you may or may not get out of it. Who wants to put up with having to drag people into a normal level of emotional availability and be punished for it the whole time, having to constantly put up with your needs being ignored? No. I'm done.

[@demijamesly3284]

A lot of us are here looking for resources to improve. Seeing comments like this is a bit of a kick in the teeth, especially for those of us in relationships putting in so much work to defeat the constant inner conflict. I display dismissive tendencies because; I don't want to disappoint the person. I dont want to substitute therapy for a relationship. Be weak. Be made fun of. Not believed with personal trauma like before. Or a lot of the time I have distanced myself thinking I'm holding someone back. It always baffled me growing up, how people can form close relationships? Seemingly effortless. I've had bad experiences that led to this, as have many, regardless of attachment. I think a lot of people commenting dealt with cluster B personalities and associate all DA with that. I don't dismiss what you have experienced to feel this way. I've been watching this channel for a while, yet most the comments are so damn discouraging. Especially whilst in a relationship reading how DA isn't worth it, to break up etc. I see a lot of this, I can't help but think "I knew it, cutting that person out was for the best". I won't cut my boyfriend out. I adore him and he is the laxative to my emotional constipation:D

[@95turbogirl1980]

I'm sorry you feel that way. DAs aren't easy but my DA Is truly worth it and I plan to continue to support her and keep trying different avenues for repair. She knows the cause of why she is the way she is and just accepts it, I THINK because she fears the only way to work through her core wounds will mean removing her toxic mother from her life or having to intentionally stand up for herself with her but I personally don't know that's true. I had to stand up to my very toxic mother and place very defined boundaries on our relationship for my sanity. My DA and the other victims involved (the nice goofy adoring husband and the poor anxiety ridden brother) worships the ground she walks on. That being said they don't exactly spend a lot of regular family time together so I don't see any big reason to confront her but while I'm signing up for the school I haven't yet lol

[@UnacceptableTee]

I totally understand. It’s all about tip towing around them, exerting patience so long that the conversation never comes. It’s completely boxed up and taped up and thrown away. I’ve done everything and the mental gymnastics to go his way to respect and understand his needs for years after he treated me poorly and betrayed me is just astounding. It’s taught me so much about me and my lack of worthiness and love for myself and that I’m so grateful for. After a several years of very little movement and change as far as emotional intimacy and even a slightest desire to learn about themselves is really painful. Watching paint dry for the rest of your life would be faster. Our experience is our experience no matter how “ cruel “ these feelings seem to others. Our experiences have felt cruel despite educating ourselves for years and doing a deep dive on attachments especially theirs and our own. It’s helpful because it gives you so much understanding and some relief in a way ; but it still hurts. My DA expected so much from me and I met the bar each time; while I didn’t from him and he has asked a lot of me; in forgiveness; yet I did the work. Our couples therapist after 2 years had to release him saying she just couldn’t help him anymore and she would continue to see me. She said I don’t need to do anything anymore as far as work in this relationship; and said I need to focus on me. I’ve started realizing this will probably never change and started focusing on myself. I can see why his past relationships ended up in the resentment the mentally abusive route. On both sides. ( I knew his ex as we did business together ) I can see how strong his Da / fa style is. Can’t say hers for sure as he thinks she’s a highly narcissistic ( even her bf say that ). I think it’s possible he was strong in how he is; she got hurt; emotionally shut down; and became avoidant herself due to mistrust ( this is what happened to me) overtime they just won’t try. I think she gave up and of course hoarded her resources which looked like she was using him; but she probably didn’t trust him as he’s break up with her 4 or 5 times throughout their living relationship. I think she was resentful; then got angrier as the years went on as he won’t budge; she became ab-sive and cruel. Not saying it’s acceptable one bit as I know she was to him ( I didn’t not know him well when they were together ) after we got together; I always felt such deep empathy for him as I know she was cruel and cold. I’m HSP and while I feel some resentment towards his zero effort of emotional support in my darkest hours of the pain he inflicted on me ; ( he has some serious creature comfort issues that he hid until I moved in 2 years in) he would drink and go down that lonely creature comfort hole; I could never be ab-sive to anyone. I realized in this relationship I allowed crumbs; neglect; which is a form of ab_se ; and I can look At my past relationships and how I showed up for others and while I’m very far from perfect and always a work in progress ( I tend to focus only on others and not myself ) I know I make a good partner. Especially since I’ve been working on myself. I know what I don’t want; which creates this path to finding what you do want and need which I think he’s been my greatest teacher despite this being the most painful relationship I’ve ever been in. I understand that I won’t get the intimacy and deep connection in this relationship and I’m continuing to heal and realizing the connection is lost. Relationship burnout here from so much hard work. You can’t make someone want to do the work. I feel sad for him because he’s likely going yo continue in this way and won’t ever feel the amazing feelings of attachment; intimacy and connection. It’s horrible. I have felt this now for so long in this relationship and it’s a dry, bleak; and lifeless landscape for me. Sad because he is a human that deserves the beauty of a big reason why we are all here and why the void will always be there for him. Sad. 😢

[@Reptilefan101]

exactly did it like that and it still didnt go down well ... just got mad and didnt want to hear about it ... just sad

[@cappygurl]

They will shutdown or just say this doesn't resonate with me like my DA told me a couple of days ago. Mind you I'm an attachment coach and had him take the test which confirmed he is a DA. I knew he was a DA within a few days of meeting him. 😅

[@andrewboyddotcom]

Unfortunately I've contracted ringworm on my shoulder from my cat. My DA made it quite clear that there'd be no hugs and kisses as long as that's around. Doesn't that play right into her hands?

[@feliksdivellimusic7160]

How can I fall out of love with someone? It's been over a year and I've been deactivated I've recently realised, but still in love I'm sure.

[@SK-no2pp]

Are you working on your attachment style? Are you willing to reconnect with that person? Love is not dependent on you being in a direct relationship with someone. Love, simply exists, independent of your relationship title with that person. Assuming your best friend / parent died, would you still love them? Yes. You just need to be able to move forward in a healthy manner, connection doesn’t mean compatibility

[@feliksdivellimusic7160]

@@SK-no2pp We had a fling for a few months when she was on a break from her boyfriend where I really fell in love (first love), and now they live together. We go to school together so we are in each other's lives in that way, but otherwise don't really talk. And I recently started the free trial, so yes, I guess. Thanks for your comment

[@PerrySkyePhoenix]

@@SK-no2pp Thankyou! Well said!

[@PerrySkyePhoenix]

@@feliksdivellimusic7160 You are very brave to be doing the work on yourself. I wish I was that brave and I wish I had faith that any type of program would work for me.

[@juliejay5436]

@@SK-no2pp you, as usual, have hit the nail on the head, once again, with this comment! Well done!

[@danielturner2724]

Plus they dont want to be "understood" they want to be RIGHT...I Dont want to sound too critical....but a lot of people have a need to be one up..the big me ..the little you...what your talking about ma'm takes ".MATURITY "

[@95turbogirl1980]

Wellllll I wish I'd seen this video few days ago.

[@anyaroz8619]

Dear Thais and the team, I so want to take advantage of the 7-day free trial, but I will be driving across country all of May and so I was wondering if I would be able to use the 7 days some time later? In June? Like register now, but have 7 day trial in June?

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

please email [e-mail] and they will let you know if this is possible or not :) -PDS team member

[@corrineg.-resinartist9436]

Which video would you suggest to share?

[@poisonwine1849]

Could it be possible that someone who displays a lot of DA traits is actually not DA, just a regular scared boy? (But definitely not a narcissist or BPD.) For the longest time I believed my former person is DA. He certainly fit all the descriptions. I'd say he's textbook. But my long-suffering best friend, who's been patiently listening to me talk incessantly about him and helping me through the trauma, recently floated the idea of him being a run-of-the-mill scared/no confidence person who possibly lied about feeling not good enough for me, when he was simply not just that into me, but he couldn't/wouldn't be honest for fear of hurting my feelings and/or having to deal with conflict? If he lied, he was certainly consistent about it (1-year situationship with zero physical intimacy). IMO my DA theory on him is accurate. But idk. Anything is possible, right? I'd love to get some opinions, please. Thank you. In any case, when I sent information on attachment theory to my person, he never even acknowledged it. He had already deactivated at the time and me sending the info was a desperate attempt at getting him to learn about it and know that I was willing to work with him. Doubt he ever read it and he's 100% not working on himself in the least bit.

[@DeLentil]

Secure people don’t act scared or without confidence.

[@mer-ced-es]

This is a great question - I also noticed that A LOT of young men show up like DAs, even though a study done in the US suggests that only 22% of men are DAs... I wonder how much does age and maturity play a role in this?

[@airbubble.]

@@DeLentil That is so untrue. Secure people have the same feelings of fear or lack of confidence that insecure people have. We just deal with it in healthier ways and move past it quickly. Poison wine, it is entirely possible that he was run of the mill scared, but unlikely unless there were no other red flags. Its also possible if he was "young" enough, lets say late teens early 20s, that he really did like you but may be struggling with his own sexuality. I've known young men act in just this way when they haven't yet figured out if they are gay, straight or just curious. They find a nice girl and give it a shot within a relationship dynamic just to see if the physical side of things takes off, while they work it out.

[@SK-no2pp]

@@mer-ced-es “if they show up like DAs” then aren’t they DAs?

[@saramustafa8544]

It sounds like he’s DA but you don’t want to believe it or label him. No one is really a “run of the mill scared boy.” He has fears, wounds, and the lack of confidence can very well be the shame they experience for feeling or believing something is wrong with him. What matters is how you are relating to him, and whether this connection is fulfilling in your life. Our attachment style isn’t set in stone.

[@amandaharris7205]

Is that Bob? Not what I imagined he would look like :)

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

hahahah, not Bob -PDS team member

[@PerrySkyePhoenix]

Thankyou. Now I know to never bring up this subject with a DA.

[@NM-vs5lg]

❤️❤️

[@ariadne6104]

There’s a video for everything we do lol no excuses

[@Ryan-yg7zc]

Are FAs the same?

[@shabeenabeauty]

noo

[@SergeiSmalkov]

What if a DA won’t change, knowing it is somewhat defective AS yet a part of his/her identity. What if it’s like being a gay and trying to “reprogram”.

[@jm543]

You can't change over night for starters. Also DA tend to attract people who are anxious and that makes thing far worse. I've read in a book that DA has the chance to change if he or she is in a realtionship with someone with secure attachment because little by little they will build enough level of trust to get out of their protective mental armour. But in reality securely attached are most of the time stuck in relationships and the older you get the people who are in the dating pool are DA, anxious or FA. Only 50% of the population is securely attached. Also you can be secure in romantic relationships but if you for instance have a horrible break up you could end up like anxious, DA or even FA.

[@95turbogirl1980]

My girlfriend is DA and I'm FA and I hope she's willing to try the deprogram

[@TJ-nq5nt]

7 day free trial did you think about 30 day free trial that some people do.

[@Hayabusa253]

could you please speak a little slower and like take more breaks between your sentences? im really interested in your content but can’t follow because there’s so much information going on to process and yeah, i would really appreciate it. besides that, great content though!

[@DaffodilTelephone]

You can speed up or slow down any KZbin video! It’s a game changer. And the best part is, it’s available in lots of different increments.

[@tulasideviful]

You're pretty naturally. No need for all that extra time-consuming stuff like make up and false eyelashes etc.