Repetition Compulsion: Why We Recreate Childhood Dynamics In Our Adult Relationships (& How To Stop)

Compatibility Video: • How Insecure Attachmen...

[@TakeMeToYourLida]

“A person who was respectful of boundaries would never have gotten close to you in the first place, because you were giving off so many ‘I don’t want to be in a relationship’ vibes that a secure person would naturally see themself out.” This makes so much sense for me. I need to figure out what healthy looks like so I can fix my energy and attract the right people. Thank you Heidi

[@insyiwinsyi]

me looking at me 😭😭😭

[@olive4naito]

Sometimes this is true, but other times the mixed signals just make things confusing. Have you ever had someone tell you they want marriage but their behaviors indicate otherwise and not always all the time? People latch onto hope by only seeing what they want to see because the signals are all mixed. I tried a few times to break up a guy who "didn't want a relationship" before he started accusing me of breaking up with him multiple times because he's "worthless". I never called him that and I let him know I didn't think that about him. But he felt that way because of me expressing frustration. I finally understood that some people live in duality. In their minds they know they're not ready but their heart wants it. They're not lying but they're not being entirely truthful either. A lot of people are hopeful about finding love but in their minds aren't able to make sense of it.

[@ENSO-wildsound]

​@@olive4naitoI think that's just not reading other people's projections as exactly that. We can read mixed feelings as, anything not a resounding consensual yes is a no.

[@PaigeSquared]

@@TakeMeToYourLida thank you for highlighting this bit. I highly recommend Marshall Rosenberg's "Non-violent Communication," (I listened on audiobook first and it flowed conversationally and I loved it, BUT I ended up trying to highlight most of the text. So I bought a paperback copy to have on hand and I use it all the time as reference) and David Richo's "How to be an adult in relationships," and also, Townsend and Cloud's "Boundaries," all of them were such a relief for me, and eye-opening, and validating, and gave me hope, AND confidence that I knew what I was talking about. I felt like I always suspected that relationships could be that way, but I never had any validation or verification of it, because my mom is avoidant and she set the standard for what was normal. Also, Terry Real's work is a really great insight to the struggle from a man's point of view, in today's norms and social trends, and how they can navigate it. "The new rules of marriage," had a lot of tools for making a relationship work, and also addressed a lot of the mindset issues people carry. But same. Absolutely same. I've been dating the male version of my mom, and it hasn't been fun. 🥲 ETA- Townsend and cloud's book has religious notes in it. If I knew it was a Christian book, I probably wouldn't have picked it up. I do believe, but not in the hierarchy structure of the church. So I was glad that I missed that tidbit before I got it. But when I was reading it, I actually really enjoyed the religious aspects that they included, because it shows how healthy boundaries are promoted by the Bible. I really had no idea. But it was definitely interesting and helpful, even if I wasn't a believer.

[@lilymulligan8180]

Yeah man, woof. I've noticed that recently I've been attracting men who are absolutely oblivious about my "no" signals.... Now it's clear why no one HEALTHY has come knocking at my door. Because the "no" signals are THAT strong 😂 Now how to figure out how to turn them into "yes" signals... And if I even WANT to do that!

[@Photik]

Everything stems from childhood. It's not our fault, but we have to heal from it ourselves.

[@olive4naito]

In the sense that we can't receive all of our healing from our partners. We do benefit from seeking it through books and therapy.

[@sandradonovan5991]

Heidi, we just love you. Thank you for your very informative videos. They are so helpful, to so many.🧡❤

[@tifftreads]

Exhausting

[@IamBrob]

@@Photik it's our responsibility as adults, to fix what we observe as bad patterning in ourselves. It's not our fault we were traumatized but it is in our control and only our control when we are adults to find the self-defeating behaviors we may exhibit that keep us in that re-traumatized mindset. @crappy childhood fairy KZbin channel has a good episode on this titled "the real reason it's so hard to recover from childhood PTSD"

[@IamBrob]

As others have commented, I think bids for 'secure' connection examples would be helpful. Definitely for those of us who have never seen a healthy relationship, let alone been in one. It's so difficult to build a community for yourself. That's what I'm having the most trouble with. No family and developing autoimmune diseases by 30 feels really isolating.

[@njay4361]

Ahhhhh I can relate to this. It really is hard to find your tribe

[@IamBrob]

@@njay4361 I think I found a woman who is my people. She has a tribe but she told me it was difficult to cultivate. I like hard things though lol.

[@SydBodeker]

I'm extremely lucky that I'm introverted so I honestly really prefer being alone. But I definitely feel like if I was different I would be in the exact same boat as yall so I feel for yall wholeheartedly and I hope you guys find y'all's people 🤞

[@melissasmuse]

❤

[@IamBrob]

@@SydBodeker I definitely prefer being alone. It's when I do need the connection of relationships that aren't romantic, for support or other things like just laughing with another--it's difficult having to do everything by and for yourself.

[@juan_castellanos19]

“The same might be true if we internalize that relationships altogether were unimportant, and self-reliance was the whole way to go. In that case, what’s likely to happen is we don’t notice our attachment needs until we are suddenly starving to death to have them fulfilled. And just like when we’re starving to death and looking at food delivery apps, our discernment goes way down when we are shopping from a place of desperation. We’re not looking for what’s healthy, we’re just looking for food.” That describes me a little too well.

[@jurekk3776]

Recommending book "No more Mr. Nice Guy" R. Glover.

[@olive4naito]

It's a dual mindset where the heart and mind aren't working as a team.

[@ksdevichand366]

Bruhh why is this so perfect timing, I was just crying my eyes out last week after acknowledging my needs I am seeking secretly from others

[@Photik]

Everything stems from childhood. It's not our fault, but we have to heal from it ourselves.

[@angelamossucco2190]

❤ try ACA. It’s for everyone no monetary cost no bureaucracy just a donation

[@jesshudson346]

It's almost eerie 😅

[@annslow41]

Do I do this? Oh God I think I do this too

[@alonsoguemes6486]

Heidi has just posted. Time to learn and heal. Greetings from Mexico btw.

[@natsu-machi]

Seconding others, I think it would be so helpful to have a video on bids for connection, especially secure examples to look for but also typical examples from the different attachment styles! I’m 6 or 7 years into healing and in a place of partial healing where it’s difficult to tell if I may be mostly secure at this point. I’ve seen the types of people I attract shift a few times, such that the people I used to have around started to feel bad to be around so I distanced myself. Even outside of romantic relationships, I used to accidentally attract “mentors” who were controlling and would tell me what I need to do and I would validate their helpfulness. One of the more recent shifts left me feeling condescended to in every interaction with certain people, when the same treatment felt normal before. Yay for moving things out of the shadow.

[@xoxo3703]

Very true

[@SydBodeker]

The soccer field analogy slapped me right in the face ngl

[@hcf555]

That thing you said about being drawn to the person who is struggling...shit. I've done this my whole life. Friends, relationships and the jobs I've chosen. Let's just say that none of those choices have been particularly enjoyable at all! 😂 that's really useful information, thank you.

[@Ibrake4ewoks]

"if you're anxious and you meet some one who's the same level of avoidant it's probably gonna feel like an absolute match made in heaven until the wounds come out." oooph

[@HarshithBachimanchi]

I think Heidi should release a book on metaphors at this point! 😊 They’re are so beautiful that are like the hook points / core of the whole story she’s trying to communicate, and something that people can unzip in their own minds at a later point of time.

[@angelamossucco2190]

Your metaphor is good too!

[@user-vh3gn3xq7s]

Seriously shes great at those! I think the fact that she was a writer really helps in her therapy videos! Love it

[@barrygriffin9053]

Heidi, you are my absolute favorite. Almost every video that you make, it feels like you’re FaceTiming directly with me. God bless you for helping so many of us navigate these issues. ❤

[@Freyr94]

💯

[@platinummatcha]

Joining the choir of people who would love to know what a secure bid for connection looks like! Your example during the silent retreat hit me because I'm exactly the same. People's distress is often a bid for connection to me...

[@llimettime]

TW: reference to cults and sexual abuse I was intrigued by the name of the book you mentioned The Fantasy Bond so I googled it. The book is self-published and the author doesn't seem to have recognition in the wider psychological community, which is a red flag but not enough to discredit someone in and of itself. Then I came across references to allegations that the author is the leader of a psychology cult. There are comments on Reddit and a site called The Bob Cult. Classic stuff, guru makes a community (this one is called The Environment), makes himself the conduit to all meaning and healing, sleeps with the female patient-member-sisterwives, and enriches himself himself by taking control of his clients businesses (he apparently describes this in the book as well but as an intentional community in which members aka patients tithe a third of their income to the group). I read a summary of the book by his daughter and believe that infants form an imaginary bond with mothers (the root of problem, "fantasy Bond" of the book's title). This struck me as odd, because I thought there was a general scientific and spiritual consensus that this bond is real and necessary to our healthy development. There is literally oneness and symbiosis between an infant and it's mother. I later read that in the cult, infants were separated from their parents and raised in common (except for the leader and his wife's children, of course) and parents (usually mothers) were admonished as "smothering" when they tried to retain their bonds with their kids.

[@sarahbarnett8416]

All of this is me. I was complimenting my therapy with these videos from Heidi for the last 6 months. Then stopped. I’ve felt myself slip back in ways and couldn’t understand then this popped up. And it’s just clarification and lightbulbs moments all over the place! Back to therapy for me

[@JustWords101]

There is so much resistance towards comparing intimate relationships to job recruiting. It's like I'm giving up the magic of relationships to some hard business transactional reality.

[@banchara]

It can be a soft transaction 😀 For me, paying bills together, sharing household responsibilities and chores, etc is more business than magic. We are both F.A., and Heidi is right, once the wounds showed up, it took a toll on the "magic" of our relationship and we had to rely on our sense of partnership and friendship.

[@MrJoxxxi]

Magic, like in fairy tales, the test is to discern what's real and what's not...

[@JonathanSheriff72]

That resistance is an interesting thing to notice.

[@rachelmel]

It's just a way to conceptualize one aspect of this dynamic, not a description of relationships in totality

[@johnperkins2174]

If I’d known all these things 6-8 years ago I’d be thriving with the love of my life. Better late than never, I suppose ❤

[@kaijuno]

Hi Heidi! I was just wondering if you could clarify a few examples of easily-missed secure doorways to connection? I’m drawn towards caretaking too, and it would be incredibly helpful to find new, more secure ways of starting conversations and reaching out. Thank you! 💞💞

[@critter_paws]

Haven't began video. Nervous. Realized over the last year that I've been trying to get my mom to love me in different suits for decades. I know this is gonna making it too clear. Holding my breath 😅 you rock Heidi

[@onplanetbanana]

Hang in there!!

[@movewithmike]

You're not alone in that one

[@rainbowconnected]

That's such a tough one. I tried the same and finally realized she isn't going to love the real me no matter what I do. It hurts like hell, but less than being someone I'm not in the hopes of gaining mere acceptance from her. Dropping the futile effort freed up so much energy to focus on what would lead to me loving myself and my life more. You deserved for your mom to love you just the way you are. I'm sorry you didn't get that. Says more about her than you really. I hope you find a way to heal from that that works for you. Hugs if you want them.

[@critter_paws]

@@rainbowconnected love your username, not as a limerant object to be clear lol. I can def use a hug, ty. It's surreal once I started having these revelations (thx again Heidi) of how I experience the same wounding over and over and dissociate through it until it smacks me in the face much much later and when a a very painful greif is in order. I've been pulling a groundhogs day since 88 😅😂 😅😅😅😮‍💨😒

[@GodiscomingBhappy]

we do choose what is familiar even if it is not what we want🤔 5 blind spots: 1) internalised the wrong definition of secure love, secure attachment. sandwich vs spaguetti (great metaphor) 2) if you have a great deal of trauma you feel seen by ppl traumatised like you which is hard to keep a relationship healthy 3) which bits for connection are we putting out for connection? ( saviour, insecure, reciprocal, open, vulnerable, available.....) 4) unconsciously repeat our family dinamycs 5) Giving too much without reciprocity so when not in a relationship we feel lost and our needs not fulfilled.

[@mrobbins129]

Please stop dropping facts at this rapid pace. My heart cant take it anymore

[@njay4361]

😅 Right?! Rapid fire truth shots!!

[@williamm.1608]

Off topic and not negative at all: your pasta pronunciation uncovered a dialect that really snuck up on me. :)

[@banchara]

There are other clues but that one was LOUD. 😀 Oh Canada...right?

[@williamm.1608]

@@banchara TIL there are other linguistic tells for Canadians beyond “a-boot”

[@prettypoodle26]

"pasta" and "regularly" both threw me for a loop lol

[@My.Own.Flashlight]

listening to Heidi’s videos feels as if pulling out the cable & disconnecting from the “Matrix” and then “waking up”

[@MiauxCatterie]

your work opens my eyes to so much. i've read so many books and done so much work but there's still blind spots and you always show them to me. thank you.

[@closethockeyfan5284]

Another KZbin channel took that soccer analogy to the next level: If you're traumatized and haven't gotten the tools to cope, you aren't going to dare go on the attack to try to score, because you're conditioned in a response of trauma to protect. So you end up on defense or even the goalie if you're extremely traumatized and just waiting for that shoe to drop. I have always thought the two were related, but that articulated how I've always been such a natural goalie instinctively.

[@njay4361]

Love this!

[@CupNoodleKitty]

English isn’t my first language, could you tell me what a goalie is? Thank you ❤

[@closethockeyfan5284]

@CupNoodleKitty Goalkeeper, the player in soccer whose only job is to prevent the ball from entering the net the team defends.

[@marierose6792]

An author and psychiatrist, Howard M. Halpern, spent his whole career helping people , understand this very concept and why they chose partners, from blindspots based in childhood dynamics. One of his many books, Finally Getting It Right, talks about the repetition compulsion, and wanting to replay the wounded self and the decisions we made around the wounds, in order to RESOLVE it. In metaphor terms, a sandwich must be ordered because this amazing sandwich Must exist, and finally I will be happy. You are replaying what you know, to finally achieve the healing of that wound. ( or so you think) As a senior, now, I have heard many people in my lifetime say, " You know, I married my "MOTHER" or "Father". On some level, folks understand this. It is very easy to see, in other people's relationships.

[@ItstheGodinme_]

Thanks so much Heidi. 🙏🏾 Your thorough explanation and analogies brought the points home and it’s really a big help for me and I’m sure many others as well.

[@danmoaz]

Watched this video plenty of times already haha! Very interesting as it makes me wonder if the person you're attracted to due to familiarity but does not reciprocate is due to the fact you are not familiar to him/her and vice versa when someone is attracted to you. As an example: if the other person is used to play chase or needs excitement from the get go and you are more straight forward they might see you as boring (not familiar). With a friend we reached the conclusion that you should give it a go to the person that comes accross as boring to you. I am guessing people don't choose boring as does not feel safe and is uncomfortable when actually that could be a positive. I also find the silence retreat very interesting too and a very good exercise to understand your patterns. Love your videos, thanks for putting time on this :)

[@judewood5365]

Attunement is a really important word to understand.

[@tareaselixir]

Favorite frame “A person who was respectful of boundaries would never have gotten close to you in the first place, because you were giving off so many ‘I don’t want to be in a relationship’ vibes that a secure person would naturally see themselves out.” Damn!!!! So good!!!

[@anonmouse956]

My own take is people want to see the resolution to their past drama and so want to replay the event hoping this time it ends correctly, but that never happens.

[@Mudpuppyjunior]

It can happen if you meet someone who either is secure or is willing to make the journey to security with you. I believe the girl I love will make that journey because I am nothing like those who traumatized her. And it is on its way to ending differently for her this time.

[@sarbogast]

Your content is always gold! Honestly, my mind is blown

[@bookworm521]

Okay, this video broke MY brain. I have my therapy notes for this week. 😪

[@tarasmith3613]

Its like an explanation of why Love Is Blind is so entertaining 😅

[@isagrace4260]

Heidi! This is great! I’d love a follow up video deep diving on those last few questions, what the signals look like, and how to model secure behavior. Love this channel ❤

[@TheHarperad]

I have seen all your videos by now and really love how down to earth and zero BS you are Heidi.

[@statiawoertendyke3187]

I get it now, I met my husband on the wrong side of the soccer field. I probably shouldn't have been way over there.... but now here we are.

[@njay4361]

🫶

[@Brinaweenahwoo]

I literally LOLd at your comment!!! 😂 I was the one way far away from everyone and here comes my 22 year partner doing all kinds of "magic tricks" to win me over. You can whittle every single thing wrong with our connection to me wondering why he's so "demonstrative" with his emotions and him always telling me that "I don't really love him". I'm 8 years into therapy and I've been teaching us new tricks for relating. I'm seeing now that if I could go back in time, it's unlikely we would have connected. But, life isn't always perfect and sometimes you just gotta work with what you got...🤷🏾‍♀️😆

[@MaryintheCLE]

Definitely needed to hear this today. This applies to friendships, as well. Have noticed that all my female friendships where we have a deeper intimacy and “knowing” is because they are also insecurely attached (anxiously, preoccupied), so it’s a trauma bond where we just trigger each other back and forth until there’s an ultimate rift. Definite food for thought here, thank you. Your videos have helped me more than I could ever express. ❤

[@remyxremus]

The ominous way in which she says "Until it doesn't" at 19:05 hits hard. Thank you Heidi!

[@yoyoyo_yoyo]

I am just coming out of a relationship which I have just learned was a recreation of my family dynamic which I hated, wanted to avoid the most and had suffered from all my life. I cannot believe I was running at full speed towards something I thought I was running away from. I thought blind spots were “spots” but it seems I could not see an entire WALL right in front of my eyes. It’s so painful to have the veil lifted and see it for what it is. This video came at exactly the right timing for me and I can’t thank you enough for all of the wisdom. Hopefully I learn this time and am able to seek out a truly healthy relationship.

[@suzanahas4740]

😂😢❤❤

[@konradfraczek1303]

I feel you

[@skeetmon01]

I love the content in these videos! I err avoidant and am on a journey towards secure attachment. I am married to a man who errs anxious. And our relationship has been predictably fraught with issues. It feels like most of these videos are set in the context of dating and choosing a partner, which is very needed. However, I wondered if there was a way on occasion to address being committed in a relationship that one/both people are working towards repairing and each moving towards secure attachment while still being in the relationship. Because in marriage, it’s not as simple as just declaring incompatibility and cutting loose to find another. Or cutting loose to work on your issues apart from a triggering person. At least I don’t think it should be. Anyway, I’m not sure what that potentially looks like, but I know it’s something I would greatly appreciate learning more about how to navigate.

[@timeaaranyi4964]

Heidi honestly your videos give me so much clarity about how I show up in the world, thank you for everything you do!

[@jessicaamant4151]

Great to see you back!

[@onplanetbanana]

HEIDI, I haven't watched the video yet but from the title alone I just don't even know how to say how much you have impacted my life. I have been going through a separation from my husband of 5 years for about a month now & I foolishly initiated a romantic situation with someone else right after the separation. My FA patterning pushed him away already & first I was like man, I want him back so bad. & then I thought, if I got him back, absolutely nothing would be different. My marriage, all relationships before & everyone after is going to be the same until I get to the bottom of what needs I'm secretly trying to meet through relationships & what wounds relationships bring up that is causing me to shove them away. I am so looking forward to your insight in this one. Could not come at a better time. Sincerely, a very early-stage healing FA

[@carneades4409]

[@Majda_Sakina]

Vidéo très intéressante. Je suis française et vous parlez d'une manière très distincte et articulée, ce qui me permet de bien comprendre et d'assimiler vos propos. Merci à vous !

[@joshuahutt]

I love how you say “pasta.” Thanks for the video!

[@whiggygirl]

She pronounces it like an English person. Lol I wondered why I never noticed anything until I saw the comments (I'm English) and had to go back and listen 😂

[@joshuahutt]

@@whiggygirl it’s charming. Makes me smile.

[@njay4361]

I'm getting strong midwest vibes from her! My grandma was from Chicago and pronounced words similarly...

[@IamBrob]

She's in Canada

[@piabaingo3096]

thank you! I am so thankful for everything I have been able to learn from you! You have helped me so much through my healing journey!

[@ataxie]

I love your content more when you share personal experiences, it feels so real and not just theoretical information.

[@Charlie23007]

Thank-you for your honesty Heidi. It helps to know that others struggle with similar things. I love your video’s. They are very helpful! I am growing and learning! 😊

[@supsupb0i]

These videos help so much! Thank you for making them!

[@jahlissa6233]

Thank you so much for making such a clear video about this topic. Now it all makes so much sense. I love your metaphors! 🙏🏽🌸

[@bad003]

OMGEE this explains so much!!! This video was so needed!! Please upload follow up videos regarding this topic, and the next steps to becoming secure if possible. I truly appreciate your content 🙏🏾

[@adiroots]

This is very insightful. Pasta - sandwich analogy is really helpful. I struggle with abandonment, and I'm anxiously attached. I am in my 40s and I have only had one mutual relationship that felt caring, gentle and warm (and that was 20+ years ago). Feel like I am constantly chasing emotionally unavailable men. I have gone to therapy, and it has helped me with being more aware of my patterns. But I still feel I struggle choosing healthy partners.

[@lofotling7953]

Thank you for this very informative and handy explanation - and all your effort and work. It helps a lot to understand, heal and transform. Thank you!

[@alittleantidote5852]

Damn, I've never been so thoroughly read

[@rrrrrrrrrr0d0lph3]

Thank you, Heidi!! You are very articulate, and I had the experience of watching some of your videos and feeling like you are describing me perfectly lol. Also, you look just like Lorelai from GG with the black hair and blue eyes combo. Thanks for eveything

[@Peruvian_Sky]

You are so knowledgeable! I really need to take notes when I watch your videos because they are packed full of so much incredible information.

[@DianaDiana-dr6qv]

I’ve been taking notes!

[@trichomaxxx]

Love your way of thinking about correlation and causation. Love your videos too, I'm in my recovery journey with a therapist and your videos have been immensely helpful to make sense of the mess that my past imprinted on my brain (and body?). Thanks!

[@julieeeeeee7]

Thank you, Heidi! I would love to hear some more examples of healthy bids for connection. Tough to imagine what they might be. Thank you!

[@nidradhikya]

Heidi you're a genious, I love your videos, extremely high quality content

[@Supercell33294]

Oh man this is PERFECT timing. Ex and I were talking about how we played this out in our relationship just yesterday

[@aidanfrazier9399]

Crazy timing. I am an identical twin, and although I always knew that our strange dynamic had been coloring my perspective of friendships and relationships, it has been in the last year that I have started realizing my part in recreating this dynamic with people. Been healing the many ways I was coping, self-sabotaging, and stopping myself from recognizing the root issue, but it is incredibly hard to say "this is what happened" because nobody else really cares(can't say that I can blame them) and I was raised with the belief that what other people say about me is always true and if I am upset about it then it is even more true.

[@banchara]

"I was raised with the belief that what other people say about me is always true and if I am upset about it then it is even more true." WOW....I've never had words for that. I have struggled with that belief most of my life. What IS that?!

[@delaines5041]

@@banchara My first thought is you need to change your belief system. Possibly by digging deeply into it & rationalizing it. Where did it originate? When I meet someone & say something about them, it may seem true to me in the moment, but next time I meet them I may think something totally different about them. People wear masks in public, so is what other people say about you just their speculation on your mask? Do they really deeply know you inside? Do you really know you inside?

[@iamhaga]

Thanks for this very good video. Your ability to explain and give examples is so great.

[@marconius2020]

Well, I’m 5 for 5. The second one really got me - I became emotionally attached to a person 2 years ago who also has a lot of unresolved trauma from childhood. We bonded over similar experiences from when we were young. It turned into a dumpster fire after about 4 months. I haven’t dated much in my 50ish years of life and all but 1 relationship were definitely unhealthy and insecurely attached. My parents were not good role models of what a healthy, loving relationship can be. I’ve been on a healing journey ever since that one relationship imploded a couple years ago but I’m admittedly not very optimistic that I will ever be able to provide and be in a secure relationship. Being introverted and a bit of a homebody doesn’t help when it comes to meeting people plus there are those deep attachment wounds. Thank you for another great video. I’m kind of hungry for a spaghetti sandwich now. 🙂

[@Emma.2870]

Another amazing video ! I would love to learn more about how secure people meet other people and what that actually looks like. I need a role play video 😂 makes me feel a little sad that I have no idea what that looks like.

[@stephaniekoenig-sp2ho]

Hello from France. Thank you so much for your videos, it helped me a lot! I followed your old videos and for an 8 of the enneagram to be so vulnerable is impressive :) Also your videos are so clear and precise with your Te child of the ENFP it's great :) The amount of work necessary for getting to this level is just huge! Thank you very much again. Ps: I have your book on INFPs. An INFP 9 fan.

[@marcshaw6811]

👏👏 thanks for sharing this perspective! Great video

[@ShawnFin]

Repition compulsion is a very important concept, HOWEVER what many people don't talk about enough when trying to understand thebehavior... is that someone can pick a person that feels "familiar" and this is how it works most of the time. But ALSO, if that other person is more secure and not "playing the game" to be familar... then there will be effort to manipulate them to play the game, made to be toxic, try to create reactions in them that are insecure or unhealthy, even if this is not the typical basis of their behavior. For instance, someone with a history of insecure parenting... may find those type of people to date. But if someone comes along that is more healthy and secure, then it will actually be "frustrating" to the inner child and then there will be unconscious effort to manipulate them in a way, and cause them to act out or respond in ways that are unhealthy and feel more "familiar". This is a mindf!ck situation and extremely damaging, and very hard for the original instigator to be aware of.

[@clefdesoldiese]

Thank you, Heidi! I love your content. You make me learn in each of your video! Would you be interested in making a special video about bids for connection? I found I have a blind spot there, because (I'm a FE more on the avoidant side) I truly have the impression I am being vulnerable... but obviously not really because it doesn't work

[@tashenkas]

Another incredibly helpful video. Thank you so much! It's explained vividly some patterns I'd already become aware of, but this takes it to the next level. To add something useful from my end: one of the key clues to recognize the pattern of recreation of childhood dynamics in a relationship would be chemistry. Incredibly hi chemistry used to be impossible to resist. But now that I'm able to separate it from the rest of the person, it no longer draws me in. I tell myself, does it feel safe or unsafe, calm and comfortable or exciting and like a game? If chemistry wasn't there, would I still find this person interesting, funny, nice, safe, decent, similar values, etc.?

[@GuenevereSchwien]

This is really amazing. I think I need to watch this a couple times. 😮

[@bobbyc1120]

This applies to work too. That was actually the catalyst for my healing journey. Trying to excel at work by being a "good worker" instead of doing good work.

[@gypsysundrop]

Wow. 🤯 words at the right time. Mind blown. Thank you!!!

[@Crystalbomb321]

All your videos are spot on

[@baljithayre1252]

Very timely Wisdom..much Appreciated .

[@againstalloppression]

thanks for the vid! I'm about to take your soul bootcamp for enfp. I can't wait!

[@laurah2831]

Last 5 minutes of this is GOLD

[@kaijuno]

Thank you, Heidi! So helpful ❤❤

[@jessklay8594]

This is exactly what happened to me when I ended up in a four year relationship that got flushed down the toilet in the end @12:33

[@Benjiboy11]

Holy psychological shit!!! The whole withdrawal till perfection and or hide the struggle… that resonates… I’m guilty of that. Thank you, for sharing that information, it definitely made me more aware.

[@MissAlliPotter]

Are there really secure people out there? This was a great video Heidi, thank you. I just am so skeptical that secure people exist. Rather, secure single people.

[@jedtulman46]

Wow Hiedi what an astonishing vidio . Always learning .Jedi .( thanks )

[@My.Own.Flashlight]

I am listening to a Heidi’s older videos again and realised there are a few things I reconise and have practised, and then discovered some other “new” things which I didn’t realise before 🎉 This must be the “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear” scenario?!😅

[@carolinevarenne5652]

Such a good analogy!

[@garymcnie801]

Great video, thanks. Could you make a video with examples of the healthy bids?

[@oilyme1837]

Thank you for this video and makes so much sense! Keep it going! 😊 Gonna say it here before I forget: can you make a video of enfp/infp lessons you wish you knew at 20/30s or life itself?

[@SkyePhoenix]

I'm 60 years old... and feeling pretty hopeless right now. However; your videos are very informative. Thankyou.

[@willietarkington1628]

Blew my mind right out of my nose and onto the floor 🤯🧠🧹

[@adamharlot5927]

your so right Heidi, people seeking acknowledgement from others due to their insecurities is unhealthy. This can cause attachment issues

[@mailman5865]

This is sooooo good!!!!

[@laurenl720]

Great explanation, ❤ your videos.

[@prashanthireddy2333]

hello heidi ❤❤❤ my angel sent from above

[@neon.neutral]

Earned secure really narrows the dating pool 😂😢

[@E.M.Luminations]

Woah. This just blew my mind.

[@jadenc5]

The part about when youre around to regulate their emotions they treat you kindly but as soon as you arent able to regulate their emotions they treat you badly hit so hard. The last partner i chose was just that story, we somehow managed to make it last 5 years but i started feeling a tremendous amount of stress and pressure over an extended period of time that made it nearly impossible to regulate my emotions, let alone both of ours, talk about a death spiral.

[@ismahanemansouri9268]

I like the way you explain things 😅😊

[@Jeff-ng5ig]

Thank you. Another home run.

[@gazingatmars]

Hello Heidi 👋 I rarely comment, but I do hope you see this one! Please do a 2nd video about Repetition and Compulsive coping behaviours that aren't directly love related, like nail biting and near frozen states. For context, I have very few before memories before 12, and most of my adult life until my late 30s also a blur. Somehow I managed to scrape together a BA in Psychology and a career. Ive been no contact with my mother for a year. Im recovering from major surgery and just got promoted into a 6 figure position. I found your channel about 9 months ago and Ive made tremendous progress in my healing journey, thanks in great part to you. I've been single since my early 20s, never married, no kids. Probably dropping my last egg as we speak. I have a big property with a couple horses. The problem is I have a number of highly detrimental crutches that are severely impacting my ability to attend to things that truly bring me joy and satisfaction. For the last 5 years, Ive become obsessed with following all the hockey news and watching my team's hockey games. I also bite my nails to the end and get paralyzed on my couch the minute I get home from work. Basically any repetitive behaviours (or lack of behaviours) employed consciously or not, as a coping mechanism gor insecurely attached people (especially a fearful avoidant like me). I'm also so messy and have difficult time putting energy toward basic care like cooking, grooming, and chores. I was diagnosed with adhd a year after I finished my BA (actually at 14 but parents only told me that recently and told me they didn't understand it and didn't want me on pills. They kicked me out a year later). Okay, so doubt anyone is still reading this - but comment what your time consuming neurotic repetitive coping behaviours are. NGL weed and porn are also issues. I TRULY want to embrace my life and love my problems, but I cant stop this constant anxiety that makes me want to dissosciate for hours. How do I break these terrible compulsive habits? I seriously don't actually care about hockey and I cant even skate. Its the middle of summer. Why am I wasting my time on this for OVER 5 YEARS. Like how many days of my life have I wasted following this mid hockey club 😢 I want to garden, horse around, read, create now that I'm recovering from the wounds of my past. Yet I bite my nails and spend my whole evening on youtube or on ancestry.ca fantasizing about the lIves of my ancestors and the super cool rich cousin I will discover etc etc. Help me get engaged in my actually life. Okay 👍 thanks

[@delaines5041]

I would suggest committing to some volunteer work. It will help you get out of your head. Try it for a while & see if it makes a difference in your life.

[@maeva5257]

Sorry that you're struggling with this and well done for putting it out there and asking for help. The first step before discipline comes naturally is emotional regulation. There's a great free course on YT that transformed me into another person in one month (and then has kept doing it over the past 2 years). It's called Mental Health Fortress, it's by Richard Grannon and it's 12 (I think?) short videos that explain exactly how to resolve all the things you've mentioned. You WILL find your solution there and will see results within weeks. Enjoy the journey!

[@user-zm3im7sl9c]

You don’t miss ❤

[@mrstoner2udude799]

So good and helpful