Requesting More Emotional Connection: Attunement in Attachment

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In my videos, I like to talk about Psychology, Healing Attachment Trauma, Relationship Repair, Inner Child Self-Re-Parenting, Love Addiction, Codependency, Grieving Break Ups, Family Programming, Fantasy Relationships, The Romantic Narrative, Primal Panic, Trauma Bonding, Double-Binds, Attachment Styles, Couples Counseling, Better Boundaries, Shame and Self-love, CPTSD Breakthroughs, Emotional Availability, and Body-Focused Psychotherapy for Healing Trauma..
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Alan Robarge, LPC, Licensed Professional Counselor,
Attachment-Focused, Trauma-Informed,
Psychotherapist and Relationship Educator
Emotional Connections Matter!
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Requesting More Emotional Connection: Attunement in Attachment
In this video, I talk about requesting emotional connection from loved ones. Quality relating is the result of emotional attunement.
Questions to answer in the comments section:
What is one thing you learned from listening to this video?
What is one takeaway you can apply to your personal healing process?
Remember to leave a comment. What is your takeaway from this video?
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Requesting More Emotional Connection: Attunement in Attachment

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Hello Subscribers: Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing. One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating. Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning! As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on KZbin. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through. I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly. That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on KZbin. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos. If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions ____ Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz ____ I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work. You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community ____ Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate ____ Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos. And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!” Best regards, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist www.alanrobarge.com/

[@charlenejoy8947]

I was married to two men who were not emotionally available. The 1st marriage was for 10 years and the 2nd one just ended after 30 years. My father was not emotionally available either, so I had no idea that I was picking men without empathy. There is no way I knew until now that all three had strong narcissistic tendencies because they all had such different behaviors. I will heal for 3-4 years before I am in another romantic relationship because I have the information I need about my codependency. Without your videos, excellent therapists, CoDA and ACA, I might not be here today. Thank you, Alan.

[@orangeziggy599]

Thank you, finally I found the language and definitions I needed to describe what I need. When I kept telling my ex-husband that he didn't share himself with me, he never understood what I was telling him. When I felt all alone despite being married to him, I had no words to describe why I felt so alone and disconnected from him and from my loved ones. I called it "depression" bc I didn't know how to describe what I was missing. It felt like I was in grief. I was put on anti-depressants. It was horrible to be in a marriage with no "dancing"- I felt abandoned. Later I found out he was a narcissist and I was codependent. Such a beautiful video.

[@penelopelambson9128]

It seems that possibly women are more geared for Attunement than most men. Women often speak and relate in terms of emotion, while men respond cerebrally A woman might state something in an emotional context that she would share only on intimate terms, and the man replies in a way that could be directed at a total stranger. It’s a total miss.. a yawning gap. She feels empty, not heard, seen, and known ( ie alone) much less understood, and yet he feels that he supplied appropriate and accurate information. One little communication disaster after another.

[@kerry378]

Tried for half of lifetime to make partners/ friends understand/value emotional attunement. Would beat my head against the wall recommending books, etc. As you said crazy-making, when in all, they weren't the 'right' people for me.

[@houserjj]

i think there are a lot of folks like this in the dating pool. and i feel crazy chemistry with them, so i think its somehow hard to avoid avoidantly attached people due to our childhood attachment issues. so i think IF I can be more secure, set boundaries etc I either will help the guy I'm with or send out different vibe that attracts those who want to attune.

[@mermaid8935]

This topic is fantastic and bizarre to listen to because I been told 100:s of times from different individuals, friends, partners, family and so on, I made no sense talking about this! Told I asked for the impossible, I lived in a fantasy work and made up needs and feelings that isn't real or realistic. I'm sad for them now. I know how this feels and am validated in the connection. How can one live without it when you finally found it? I don't need many close individuals in my life to be grateful but need them to be healthy, sane, respektfull and supportive. Thank you for your channel, you make great videos!

[@VirgoDluxe]

This video provided me with extreme clarity on why I’ve been feeling the way I do about my marriage. Thank you for the knowledge!

[@muumarlin1731]

Just need to express how much you rock, Alan! This is so educational and validating. Thank you!

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Muu, I appreciate all the kind words. Thank you. I'm glad to hear this is educational and validating. Good for you for seeking educational resources. I may have mentioned before that I created a course, which talks about how emotional unavailability can be an obstacle for many of us. If you'd like to learn more take The Four Attachment Distress Responses. www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz

[@musicbrazilian7065]

"Willing to be vulnerable" not everyone feels condo table with emotional vulnerability but the absence of this attunement makes the relationship seem superficial shallow no depth like I don't really know, who am I with?

[@VirgoDluxe]

music brazilian my sentiments exactly!

[@Stellabyestarlight]

music brazilian a Robot that’s who

[@penelopelambson9128]

Two trains headed in same direction but never on the same track.

[@YellowCakeRadio]

Don't think I have even been with someone that I was able to dance with or dance for me. Literally and Metaphorically

[@HisaLight2mypath]

Me either it's always me dancing alone and waiting for crumbs

[@wheresyourfattyliver]

Wow. You have done a phenomenal job explaining something I have been struggling with for years. Thank you! Just having these feelings that I for the longest time, could not translate into actual words, have been FINALLY translated! I just feel a sense of genuine relief. And while I am enjoying the comfort of this much needed relief, I am going to use this time of not being fully consumed by the pain of moving on, as wisely as I can. By using this moment of clarity as means to come up with a kind of plan of action that includes self care, making decisions based on what is best for me to heal and not based on that longing for just a little bit more of those "good times" we used to have and to make sure I include some type of professional help to learn more relationship coping mechanisms that are needed for both healing and so that I will be more informed on what changes I need to make to help me have healthier relationships in my future. I am going to check out your program Mr. Robarge right now.. And even if I have to sacrifice a few non-essential expenses like pedicures and girls night out at the casino, I will.. Because I am so sick of going through this cycle. Thank You!!

[@tpriestess]

I truly appreciate how you breakdown your messages into manageable bite-size morsels! Very nourishing and delicious morsels. Thank you so much!

[@GlyphsAreAwesome]

Alan. The dance metaphor is perfect. Some people just can’t dance. Thank you.

[@lungandfoot]

What happens when your partner is able to resonate with you deeply on an emotional level but only for a short time until their abandonment issues activate and they react out of fear?

[@houserjj]

I think all the avoidantly attached people I have dated have been like this. It really requires giving them space when they need it and trusting that they will reach out when they feel lonely again. I checked in once a week with some random comment to make sure he knew I was still there and not mad. I also had lots of reasons to just hang out at his house. I grew on him, made him more comfortable than he's ever been, let him set the pace. Half the time he wouldnt even be able to sit at the table with me. I acted as if I was at my own home. I was comfortable which made him comfortable. Idk if any of this resonates with you. I've definitely experienced what your talking about and somehow survived with persistence.

[@joannegild8001]

Such complete reasonable explanation and discussion around this issue. Painful, if you love this person, but must be faced.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thanks for valuing my efforts to offer explanation. I hear you and can understand how this can be challenging. If you like this video and you'd like to understand more about communication in these dynamics then you may be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz

[@nevisuristio7938]

Great explanation Alan.. thanks for this eye opening, i do realize i need that emotional attunement.. but I was wondering, ‘Is there any man outside who value this emotional attunement as much as women do’ cause frankly i haven’t met any 🤔

[@mgee303]

Yes, this emotional attunement is something I need in a relationship. I’ve found it difficult to find a man who is capable of engaging in it, my last relationship ended because he admitted he could not give that to me. And as you said, it’s hard to explain so I wasn’t sure if he even knew what I meant, but I wasn’t patient enough to teach him.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thank you for the thoughtful comment. Glad this video sparked reflection. We cannot talk about emotional attunement enough.

[@houserjj]

This is Soooo helpful. Of course, I'm in an avoidant/anxious relationship and I want more connection. We are both working on our stuff and I care for him alot so I'm inclined to stay. But some days it feels like I am dancing with a guy on crutches. I am capable of having great compassion for him. But I still long to dance without the crutches. When I feel that, it causes confusion. This video helped me sort out the difference between feeling attuned to someone and their capacity to attune back. And yes I am working very hard to grieve childhood hurts so I am not dragging my own crutch to the dance. Your videos have helped me immensely in sorting confusing emotions associated with the a/a trap. Thank You!!

[@TheOneTheOnlyTheBubby]

It’s been a year since your post. Curious if you’re still in this relationship and how things are going.

[@robyn5065]

Thank you, Alan for making sense of my most recent relationship lesson. You speak in an easy to understand style. Much appreciate your down to earth approach in helping others relate and heal. ❤️

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

You're welcome and I appreciate the feedback. Thank you for seeing the value in my work. Glad to hear this content is helpful for you. If you're interested in understanding more about attachment behavior then you may want to check out The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz. Here's the link: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz

[@AnaLopez-hl7sr]

I love this video. Thanks. I want and need to dance. And i realize my partner and family are not dancers…. ❤️🥰

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Yes to dance! Glad you love this video. I hear your clarity. Thanks for valuing my work. If you like this video then you may also be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. It goes into what keeps us from emotional availability. Take the quiz to learn more. www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz

[@MsLoila]

Thank you so much. I have bpd and this made me cry. God being in a emotionally unavailable relationship battered the shit out of me. I feel like I am dying, I went into a state of dissociation for months.

[@jaimeflor4181]

Maybe "emotional synergy" might be a good way to describe it as well.

[@beeckyd4466]

I love how you talk about dance.. I am going through being denied a connection and I am a choreographer❤️!

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Beecky, These are sometimes hard dynamics to navigate. Thank you for responding. Please know that there is support for learning how to heal and grow through the community I started. www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@sincerefaithfulness]

Thanks so much for this video, Alan.

[@ThePhoenixRisingArtist]

The Dance metaphor is just SPOT ON … It just FEELS ~ and can simply not be EXplained!!!

[@going-easy]

This is so good 'some ppl just can not dance'! True

[@wonderchild3605]

I believe even the "not wanting" to connect in that is a result of avoidant attachment, what human could possibly not value that? it must be an attachment injury

[@peacejoy8454]

I don’t think I have ever in my life had the right dance partner. I am still very hopeful now that I what exactly what I need.

[@penelopelambson9128]

Listening to this made my head almost fall off from vigorous nodding. Yes yes yes!!! So many follow up questions... can a person learn Attunement? Can someone lacking empathy attune? Can you do more videos on this topic? Thank you so much. Absolutely revelatory.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Yes to your questions. I created the membership community, Improve Your Relationships, three years ago so we can talk about emotional availability, secure attachment, boundaries, finding the right kind of partner for us, and learning how to say goodbye when necessary. A new recurring round of our 8-week program begins this week. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@starqueenlotus3755]

You are right. Thankyou Alan.

[@FabianeMartinsBr]

Can we say that people with NPD are unable to feel vulnerable and to provide us, the partner, emotional connection?

[@swedishmirage1728]

Fab Martins absolutely! NPD would fall into the group avoidant attachment. But you could obviously have an avoidant attachment style and not have this PD.

[@melc2081]

Thank you for using the dancing metaphor. I'm a dancer, so it really helped me to relate.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Glad to hear that this is a helpful video. Thanks for letting me know you like the dancing metaphor. It is so so important to keep talking about attunement. Thanks for your comment. Please also share this video with others who may benefit.

[@kriekerestorative]

Thank you again. Needed to hear this.

[@HisaLight2mypath]

I asked him some more emotional connection to be available more he showed up available for a few days and then reverts right back to being cold and absent. He's not going to change

[@stacyblack5982]

Thank you. Eye opening

[@drummerschild6487]

Beautiful!

[@NettyRobinson]

This sounds like an Asperger/neurotypical relationship.

[@NettyRobinson]

Not everyone can learn it

[@CrunchFAP_Supreme]

Thoughts...so has anyone looked at these attachment styles within polyamorous dynamics? What about people who relate to different partners with seemingly completely different attachment styles? Here goes, I really thought I was securely attached, but it's clear I'm more ambivalent. My partner is definitely avoidant, however with his *new* partner he is exhibiting full blown anxious tendencies who also is clearly an anxious type.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Great awareness. I'm reminded of how attachment styles are relative to different situations. It's so good that we're talking about different attachment dynamics. Glad you resonated with this video. Thanks for commenting. If you haven't already heard about it you may be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Learn more by taking the quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Educating ourselves on attachment distress can help us navigate these dynamics.

[@katrinat.3032]

Alan, this was my marriage! Me: honey we need to talk…

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I hear you, many of us can relate.

[@SPLIFBEATZ]

for emotional offering 🤗

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Splif Beatz Thanks for the comment.

[@ThePhoenixRisingArtist]

⚡️💓⚡️