Shame of Not Good Enough: Attachment Trauma Core Beliefs

Hello. Thanks for checking out my KZbin channel.
In my videos, I like to talk about Psychology, Healing Attachment Trauma, Relationship Repair, Inner Child Self-Re-Parenting, Love Addiction, Codependency, Grieving Break Ups, Family Programming, Fantasy Relationships, The Romantic Narrative, Primal Panic, Trauma Bonding, Double-Binds, Attachment Styles, Couples Counseling, Better Boundaries, Shame and Self-love, CPTSD Breakthroughs, Emotional Availability, and Body-Focused Psychotherapy for Healing Trauma..
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Alan Robarge, LPC, Licensed Professional Counselor,
Attachment-Focused, Trauma-Informed,
Psychotherapist and Relationship Educator
Emotional Connections Matter!
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Shame of Not Good Enough: Attachment Trauma Core Beliefs
In this video, I talk about how attachment trauma impacts our sense-of-self. Through family history, neglect, abandonment, abuse, and from relationships, our worth was devalued. Therefore, we internalize, believe this in our core messaging, and continue devaluing ourselves.
Questions to answer in the comments section:
What is one thing you learned from listening to this video?
What is one takeaway you can apply to your personal healing process?
Remember to leave a comment. What is your takeaway from this video?
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Shame of Not Good Enough: Attachment Trauma Core Beliefs

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Hello Subscribers: Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing. One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating. Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning! As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on KZbin. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through. I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly. That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on KZbin. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos. If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions ____ Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz ____ I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work. You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community ____ Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate ____ Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos. And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!” Best regards, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist www.alanrobarge.com/

[@Mississippian]

No one else has ever said"I'm sorry you have to go through this." Ever.

[@jackcommonman1381]

my mom said that to me

[@makaylahollywood3677]

I truly am sorry. And, I have been through this too, I get it. You will heal;-)

[@Feber2001]

I said that to someone, because I don't want them to feel as worthless as I do...

[@Kitsune557]

*Hug!*

[@FindingYourSerenity]

Why do you need someone to say that to you? Say it to yourself x

[@ViNtAgELovv11]

"shaming yourself for feeling shame" YES.

[@jane_7193]

Alan is exceptionally insightful and gifted in his work.

[@CorePathway]

The most vicious of vicious circles. And then we train our partner/spouse to also shame us (causing them great confusion in the process) This is hard.

[@susantalebzadeh9741]

A feeling I know well

[@maryblanchard4859]

No one has ever said sorry or acknowledged how much it hurts. Thank you. Almost 60 and it still tears me up. My mom didn't want me and told me so. She was always disgusted and disappointed with me. I was the family scapegoat and have been bullied all my life. I want to stop the shame.

[@rockinrrh]

I think it’s neat that you can actually feel feelings in the body. I was numb for such a long time because of my trauma and abuse. But I really appreciate the description. I appreciate learning the language as well.

[@joannamgodwin3072]

That was really lovely for him to say sorry and really sent the feeling thru the camera !

[@melissamel7717]

This is the first time I’ve ever heard anyone tell us how to handle thoughts like this. they talk about it but they don’t tell us how to work it out. thank you

[@sampeacaml9307]

Ditto.

[@frammo5896]

Totally agree. Most other therapists who talk on this topic only seem bothered with the problem rather than the solution.

[@hightidesmrforever2themoon449]

it's strange because i am never mad or upset at those who harmed me, i only feel mad at myself. i'll protect my abuser forever, but i don't protect myself lol i am so confused. you are very good at what you do, i always feel like you've studying my family history, and you are talking directly to me. thank you for making me feel less disgusting.

[@mattlehnardt8035]

I think every person, is born with a sense of self. As babies, as we’re learning the world around us and how to interact with it, if someone we depend on for support treats us like we don’t matter, we internalize that message that we’re worthless. The younger we are the more we depend on this person, , the more deeply that garbage message sinks in. The feeling we’re not worth being seen, cared for, or listened to soaks into our soul like a sponge and becomes how we see ourselves. This feeling isn’t our fault. It’s someone else’s broken or even cruel view of us, it’s theirs not ours. It’s not us, but because we’re tied to that person, we give up our sense of self, thinking,”well they must know something about me that I dont, I must be what they say I am,” and you think you have to be something more or fix something about yourself to be “enough” for doing life. Because this person treated us like we’re worthless, we need validation from that person or if we can’t get it “fixed” with them, we look for it from the rest of the world. As we get older and expand our social circles, interacting with people, we carry that crappy belief into those situations. We present ourselves in a way that says, “I’m hurt, will you fix it.” Dolphins and whales approach divers with a fishhook or net stuck to them and “ask” for help. We do the same thing. We want to be taken in and fixed, given care, attunement and validation.

[@SitavNabi]

Yea I feel like I'm stupid because I allowed it

[@jessenoelle262]

I was ENRAGED at the people who hurt me!!! But for most of my life, I was too afraid of the anger to even begin to allow myself to feel it- esp. in connection w/ others. Anger wasn't safe back then, because it wasn't aloud. In my family, feeling/expressing anger was always met with some sort of punishment. As a result, I turned most all my anger inward for years. Even in recovery, it still took me a few years to begin to recognize, admit, and explore my own anger at the abandonment, abuse, and neglect. There really is healing on the other side of all those wounds. There really is hope. You can learn to feel again, and to trust your feelings and intuition. There really are ways to release the anger, past and present, which don't come with harm to ourselves or others, and which will allow us validate and honor ourselves ❤

[@funkyandbold]

It is said about child abuse that a child will still love the parent and hate themselves.

[@funkyandbold]

@@mattlehnardt8035 I believe we have behavior patterns set when we're young and honestly don't realize it until we're truly fed up. As far as continuations into adulthood, I believe we chase people who hurt us because we actually KNOW we are worth respect and will chase them until we get it. With that, self respect is more important than any other outside opinion.

[@farukkasum158]

Ever since i found you.... i came to realize the root of all my problems. This atttachment trauma gave me depression, anxiety, extreme rumination, addictive behavior, ive been clean from pot for 4 years now and im walking a hard and tough roas. But not one therapist took me to the depths you did. Each video triggers extreme emotion, tears of relief because ive realized where everything is coming from. You are heaven sent . Thank you

[@LeeseKiwi]

Internalised early negative core beliefs are incredibly difficult to "undo or re-programme" Self talk of a positive nature practices in a rebellious nature is what I have adopted - screw you, I do matter, I do have value and worth, I show myself the respect I did not get as a child. I choose to see the evidence of all that I am good. When in a romantic relationship however I lose my balance and it all goes out the window! I regress and its scary! This is my greatest challenge - to remain in my rational mind, to allow myself to have relationships.

[@melancholikak6844]

Leese Leese me too, I seem to grow in other relationships, but the romantic ones I regress and am suddenly surprised how the old me resurfaces, and then I'm back to using defense mechanisms, over analyzing, looking for things where there aren't any, and basically unable to approach the romantic relationship in a real and present way, without the triggers. It's terribly painful, and surprising, when otherwise you have been doing so well.

[@fighterflight]

I guess it has to do with vulnerability? I can relate

[@sontrajamfemininegaze145]

Alan actually explains that in another video where he says that only highly intimate relationships trigger the deepest trauma. Therefore friendships etc are unlikely to throw us off. That video was called something like "Why romantic relationships freak us out". So keep at it! It's normal!

[@Stellabyestarlight]

melancholika k me three 😫

[@bucketspree4952]

Fear of intimacy related to trauma It's hard

[@supertigik]

here's a great piece from Rumi: The Guest House This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor. Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they are a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight. The dark thought, the shame, the malice. meet them at the door laughing and invite them in. Be grateful for whatever comes. because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.

[@suzannem8265]

Shame is triggered when I have relational needs so true!

[@JK-es9wu]

I was treated as if there was something wrong with me. And there was. I had Aspergers and nobody knew. Even still, I could have done without the shame ...

[@greggrobinson5116]

Therapy for like 30-35 years, 5-6 shrinks, lots of groups, a life largely wasted as I spent most of it struggling to understand what was wrong with me, yet I never heard it all described to me so plainly and perfectly. But that's it, everything you said. I'm just amazed, and maybe even hopeful.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

wow, thank you for your comment. Thank you for letting me know this content is so impactful for you. Topics on shame and attachment trauma core beliefs come up in the Improve Your Relationships Community. Glad to hear you are finding clarity and a sense of hope.

[@johnbishop1707]

I have felt this shame and not good enough and feeling shame for being shamed and embarrassment to be a human being for 55 years. I have just discovered your videos and have read most of them . I only wish that I could sit and talk to you on a weekly basis because you have been the first person that I feel you understand how I could hav had such a long painful life and you seem to know me so very well. I will continue to listen to your videos and i’m Hoping to just have a few last years on this earth liking myself and loving myself. The video about me trying to be so good as a young boy so that my parents would not fight and treat each other by the silent treatment truly resonates with me. It is my strongest feeling about growing up and that is fear- fear of being in the way, being too much trouble so I used try to stay out or the way and be invisible. That feeling remains today.i’m 70 yrs old- very sad indeed.

[@sontrajamfemininegaze145]

It's never too late to change.

[@kynathomas4809]

You are not alone and you didn't deserve that.

[@maartjetrap905]

Same here, to a t. I am 65 and working my way out of the nightmare that called themselves 'family'. Please be strong and well.

[@brendacaldwell1398]

John Bishop your not alone I too have done this to my self , here’s to having the next 10 years of life happiness and health

[@Quiche543]

Hugs to you....thank you for sharing your pain.

[@danielalejandroguerreromor2038]

I have been sobbing for 30 minutes straight listening to this. I have struggled all my live with this felling. It Is a feeling that never let’s me be, it chokes me, I feel hot, my heart raises and I start to feel like the biggest piece of shit in this planet. No one has ever understand it, and for the first time I finally feel like somebody described my exact life to me. Thank you for this video, from the bottom of my heart you don’t know how much this means to me, it’s sometimes hard to even get out of my bed, but for the first time I fell somebody finally understands me

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

wow, thank you for letting me know this resonates deeply for you. I hear you about this struggle. Many of us have been there. I'm so glad to hear this video is helpful. Thank you for valuing my efforts. Also, since this video is helpful, I want to share about the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. This topic comes up in the Community. It can be helpful learning with others who are also learning. You're welcome to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@loisdahl3847]

I see now that my shame was the basis of my suicide attempts - really did feel that I didn’t deserve to live. Fortunately, I wasn’t successful. Thank you so much for these insights, truly life-saving!

[@mystijkissler8183]

Haahaa, "Hello shame" I love your admitting a concept that is personal yet a very helpful tool for me.

[@s.aura.h8084]

He really made me laugh despite crying 😂

[@abstractbeautyandchaos]

I was adopted at birth, this is how I have felt for 53 years. I feel I have never measured up to the expectations of anyone. Everything you said is exactly what goes on in my head. Thank you for this video.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Empathy to you. These are hard dynamics to navigate. Glad this content resonates for you. Thanks for responding. I'm wondering if you've heard about the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community It can be helpful exploring these topics with others. You're welcome to join us as a member.

[@opticalman6417]

becuase you didnt all women care about is weather or not you measured up to the expectations they dont care about your feelings to hell with women they aint worth it happiness is a inside job anyway no women needed

[@opticalman6417]

most guys wouldnt bother with women if it wasnt for the sex i have no intrested in either

[@PatisaNombakuseITAuditMentor]

So true, just because you feel it.. It doesn't mean it's true. Thank you

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Well said. Glad this video spoke to you. So important to keep talking about bringing light to our core beliefs. I'm reminded of how thoughts influence our feelings. Thanks for commenting. Please also share this video with friends who may like it. Help me spread the word.

[@juliana.x0x0]

"Feelings aren't facts!" Is a phrase that has helped remind me of this idea.

[@wholeenchilada3910]

Thank you, Alan! This is really helpful. I used to think shame and humiliation were happening "TO" me because I was inherently worthless. But I've rounded a corner. It now looks more like I've SOUGHT OUT the experience of worthlessness in order to justify the false belief I developed in order to cope (very imperfectly, but it was the best I could do at the time) with early attachment trauma. I'm finally able to admit that I've been doing this to myself, albeit unknowingly, and that I have the ability to break this pattern and to live more fully and more happily. There really is hope. I would not have thought so, even a short while ago!

[@angelaknox]

Mike Lambert Thanks for sharing Mike :)

[@gentleeyes]

Mike Lambert I like how you used gentle language with yourself. It was the best strategy you had at the time, for sure.

[@ChrisTian-uw9tq]

Hey dude! How has your journey been since you wrote this?

[@mireillelebeau2513]

Mike Lambert You've come a long way, bravo Mike

[@tbo2120]

Mike Lambert great way to put it.

[@freebeing6952]

Toxic shame has been my longtime companion as far back as I can recall. I'm trying to deal with it now, but it's proving more difficult than I had expected.

[@babbc62able]

i have felt self hatred etc. I never could figure it out. Even after years of different counseling methods. Watching this video left me in tears. I have always known my mother and I have never bonded. I had no idea the repercussions. Thank you so much for this opportunity to start to finally heal.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I can empathize with what you shared. Thanks for letting me know this was moving for you. There is good insight in your comment. Thank you for valuing my work. Glad you are finding it of benefit. If you'd like to learn more about how our attachment trauma shows up in our relationships today, you may like the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz

[@Lisarata]

I remember the message my dad, especially, imparted to me: don't think too highly of yourself. You must be smart and stop being stupid. Adhere to authorities--they are smarter than you. My mom fell right in line, helping us not to know our strengths or feel too good. That's what love looked like, down the line, for them. So, your video helps me to identify this thought and put some metathought into it. I will be encountering this thought now, as I'm addressing my newly-assumed responsibility for myself, so I can feel the reward. The worthless feeling ties into the lack of responsibility for myself, somehow.

[@Lisarata]

Connection between my shame, my learning of not feeling good about myself, maybe there was a sense of safety there, and the price of the safety was to let go of responsibility for myself, because maybe if I wanted to do something unprecedented, that was really scary, maybe I'd regret or make a mistake, but in reality, staying where things were caused more regret. My parents had that. They had to talk themselves out of their regret. But it was good and bad. They gave us physical stability but emotional debasement.

[@Lisarata]

Okay, so meta-thought when it shows up.

[@talarts]

This is the best video I've seen. I always felt that I was alone and not good enough has always been an issue from as long as I can remember from being bullied, shunned and constantly being disrespected even into adult relationships and even from all my siblings to this day. Although I know they're the ones with the problem, they make me question myself. I just didn't know how to deal with the pain and feelings of not being enough. You make me feel so very validated and that I'm not alone in feeling this way, that so many people feel this way and it's finally being addressed. Watching your video made me cry in a good way because you have such compassion and I'm finally hearing someone acknowledge my pain. People always tell me to just get over it, and nothing even close has happened to any of them, and there is no compassion. I've been feeling for a long time that the only way to escape the pain is to exit this world, but I have small glimmers of hope that things will get better, which keeps me going despite the pain and shame that is always there.

[@DoubleRainbows-fp6ih]

Tara Laughlin - I too know the difficulties from being bullied so much and I get great strength from a man who advocates for non-bullying. See"No Limbs " anti bullying message on KZbin. I understand my friend 💜xxx

[@queenofhearts1138]

It is incredibly healing for your pain to simply be HEARD, ACKNOWLEDGED, AND UNDERSTOOD!!! You just want to be heard and understood! I know exactly what you mean! I hope you are coming along well on your journey

[@Contessa998]

Hi Tara just yesterday I was explaining to my own sister how I was the scapegoat. She was in complete denial. It’s just astounding to me that people in your own family cannot acknowledge what happened. Shame on her I do not want her in my support group anymore. Glad you are finding strength and healing in your recovery. Sometimes it just one baby step at a time

[@brendacaldwell1398]

Tara Laughlin couldn’t say it better than you just did ,Thank you

[@jiberri]

Excellent reminder, Alan! These thoughts are habitual and are occurring not because they bear any truth but rather because they have been reinforced by our willingness to ruminate on them and allow them to limit how we see ourselves. Thank you!

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Well said. So many of us get caught up in this pattern. Glad to hear this video had good take-aways for you. Thank you for valuing my work. Also, if this video is helpful then you may like joining in on the conversations on this topic in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. I welcome you joining us. www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@KDizz8]

**WOW ALAN ROBARGE*** I have been watching your videos constantly gaining a deeper perspective and actually finally having words to describe emotions , thoughts and behaviours that I have never understood or been able to gather all together to explain to anyone . Its always just been a bunch of weight in my chest. You are giving me the words and reasons why this crazy making inside me exists and how to deal with it. When you took a moment to sympathize and acknowledge how hurtful this truly is for those of us that experience this my heart felt ok..I felt all that emptiness finally being validated and I felt completely seen for once. I wasnt being asked whats wrong with me or telling me I just have to let some shit go and thats life or trying to use one of my coping mechanisms to ignore it. A complete stranger who cant even see me made that part of me that I hate and wish would not be so weak feel validated. I normally just wish I would suck it up and stop being so weak and not care like everyone else ,but I know that isnt dealing with it thats harming myself more and making me feel more like an outsider who is just too sensitive and too aware of others inner wounds as well and that just leads me to give more than I receive, but your videos help me receive and give me tools to help myself instead of judge myself . I am really grateful that you are making these videos its a really amazing and kind thing for you to do these videos on youtube . I look forward to learning more from you . Thank you again it is most appreciated Happy New Years

[@ashelese]

i love your videos. i have felt worthless and crazy since i was little and didn't know why i hated myself. i wish i had found your channel sooner!

[@melancholikak6844]

Is it wrong that I laughed so hard at parts of this video I had tears in my eyes? What a great tool....calling Shame out. I like the portrait of being in relationship with shame, but as a lesser friend or aquaintance: someone we are familiar with, but don't care to hang around. That's really true because this side of earth we may never be 100% healed, so we will on some level always retain pieces of that relationship, therefore we need to know how to navigate and handle it. Fantastic stuff!

[@rubygill6702]

It was most validating thing I’ve ever heard in my life

[@siham247]

Alan Robarge, you are a genius. You've really helped me realising and understanding so much. Thank you for everything you are giving the world!

[@mfcmxtt6490]

My deep gratitude to you Alan, for helping me to separate the ‘yolk from the white’. My childhood experiences and subsequent emotions and beliefs (the white) are NOT the truth of my beauty and worth (my yolk).. which has always been and will alway be golden, whole and delicious. Thank you for your empathy and for those heart felt sorrys, for our pain. It was profoundly Nourishing to hear that. Thank you dear soul. It DID hurt. It hurt so much. But now I know my parents were just hurting too and shut down.. and I can look towards new self care, self nourishment and love.including allowing nourishing relationships instead of staying in the loop of giving to emotionally unavailable people. From your videos I now know that I don’t have to be alone and autonomous to be safe from being hurt by more emotionally unavailable people! Relationships matter. I can choose nourishing relating with people who are available for relating and grateful for it. Life is changing for me. My face is being turned towards the warmth of the sun.. I am allowing the sun to grow me.

[@akshata535]

Thank you so so much. I have cried through the entire video. When you say "sorry that you have to go through this" ..I am able to confront and feel sorry for this belief I have been carrying all my life

[@Colehurst]

Thank you for putting words to what I've lived..."implode into the lack of self worth in those moments." Great videos. Also it was hillarious to hear your incredibly thoughful and caring voice using a curse word "I know that you keep telling me that I'm a piece of shit." That part got me to laugh.

[@wolfkai82]

Thank you so much just for understanding and recognizing the pain and the hurt people like me go through the fights that we have to fight every day in our head just to stay above water

[@ronmarsh5127]

You are a breath of fresh air to my being, Alan. In each video you describe exactly where I have been stuck for 61 years and I am si grateful to be so well understood. That in itself brings so much healing! Thank you!

[@renem1219]

Press the stop button on those videos and tapes that play in our heads. Pull the plug!

[@lizr9245]

Thank you for this message . When you said you were sorry that I’ve been made to feel that way I felt so sad . I needed that and I didn’t even know it .

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I appreciate your response. Thank you for letting me know the video was helpful. If you like this content then you may also want to take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz. We show up to distress in relationships in different ways without even knowing it. Bringing in awareness helps us plan how we could respond differently. Check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz

[@dianesiguenza6308]

You are like an Angel for me, with your help lm learing to become healthier in mind, spirit, and body!!! I Thank You sooo much for filling my heart with your fresh insightful words!!!! Grateful and Blessings!!! :)))

[@harmonyv1736]

Thank You I Needed This !!!

[@mattywright48]

these videos are changing my life! thank you Mr Robarge, :-)

[@kathryntiffaniewh4989]

Alan, you’re amazing, thank you for all of your videos.

[@norareyes2298]

Great video. These videos are helping me a lot. Thank you Alan.

[@lungandfoot]

Alan, your videos are some of the most insightful, empathetic things I’ve seen anywhere.

[@crazylittlepartytifs]

Thanks for this wonderful video Alan ❤

[@jorgejacobo7359]

It really helps me that you speak truthfully, directly and plainly. It helps break through my defenses, my denial. Thank you so much.

[@hunbundoe7627]

Thank you! I really believe in using new healthy experiences to change our beliefs...I have been watching your videos for about a year now and they have been soooo helpful. I am also going to school to become a therapist and I feel very inspired by your work. Thank you for your energy, care and kindness! Liz

[@GoogleIsAPieceOfShit2023]

You’re a good human being, Alan 💝

[@juliana.x0x0]

Ugh, I could feel myself start to dissociate right around the time you mentioned it! Just started to recognize what that was in therapy recently, and this topic clearly strikes a nerve in me! I will come back to the video when I am able to be more connected, calm, confident, curious, and compassionate with myself, so I can really listen to and absorb what you are saying. Thank you for supporting those who are lost and in need of encouragement and guidance towards self-love. Your work may not make you famous or excessively wealthy, but you're giving people hope and a light at the end of a dark road, and you can't put a price on that.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I hear you. Glad this video is helpful. Conversations around shame also get brought up in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It's so affirming when others understand our experience. We learn a lot from each other. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2

[@anitamuirharris551]

My new favorite video! Thank you so much. I love your practice of externalizing shame. Wonderful stuff. I also think it is very powerful to acknowledge the feelings and that there is a concrete reason for the feeling of not good enough. To be able to point to the evidence and say, yeah I was treated this way, but today I choose not to believe that I'm defective even though someone treated me that way!!!

[@vivienlegeisha3425]

Wow! I love how you deal with shame and “not good enough”. Love it.

[@willyoung859]

This video made me cry and thank you so much for helping me release these emotions

[@susienayar1213]

this is amazing!

[@luzi778]

thank you, alan, you are great!

[@denisemckinney2190]

Thank you. I appreciate your compassion and understanding. I don't know what's worse -- believing this feeling of shame is true or having your logical brain try to tell you the truth while your primal brain screams you are bad, bad, bad -- crazymaking, for sure! I've suffered for many months and am just now coming out of it, I hope. For me, this was triggered by my narc mother going into long-term care (something I unconsciously thought I should be able to "fix" since I've felt responsible for her my whole life) and Covid, both of which happened at the same time. I'm ready to feel better and believe I can.

[@alexandrialgardner]

So great--thank you!

[@andreas4268]

Thank you Alan, very well said. Great perspective and reframe on shame. 🤗

[@gulliver7419]

Thank you so very much for these videos. You seem to be the only person who gets real and grounded in your videos which is very, very helpful!!!!

[@autismenlightenment]

Thank you for making this.

[@xenatron9056]

Alan, your knowledge and insights are a gift to those who can and need to hear you. I wish every good thing for you.

[@ajc2208]

What a great enlightening piece. Thank you Alan for showing another side to dark feelings and beliefs. You're wonderful.

[@pepernst]

Thanks for this video. I am dealing with this right now. I'm kind of in he middle of the muck and shame. It can be hard to find he right way to talk to shame and be with it. I am going to try this approach!

[@yukizhan9279]

Thanks for the wise and powerful lessons!! They are really helpful to people like me who really really need them!

[@msjeastep]

Thank you, great work!

[@alisharichards893]

Thank you Alan , you have really helped me .

[@josephgreenwood6322]

Absolutely love this idea. Your silly voice made me smile and literally laugh out loud. Thank you for this and all of your work, Alan!

[@hightidesmrforever2themoon449]

shame wow, i have never not felt shame.

[@margheritavittoria9766]

Alan you are so cool. Thank you so much for taking the time to upload these videos loaded with great learning techniques. Bless you!

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Margherita, thank you for the kind, supportive feedback. Thank you for acknowledging my effort and for valuing my work. If you'd like to learn how to engage more or support the continuation of my videos check out the options below: Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Check out the Community, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@kelly6246]

This video brought me to laughter and tears. Thank you, Alan, for sharing your work and compassion.

[@fuanaaraujo]

Oh my god, I finally understand what is happening. Thank you. So much. Thank you for saying you’re sorry and for giving this information about how to deal with it. I’m hopeful and moved. You definitely made difference in my life

[@maggieo3]

Thank you, I appreciate your sense of humor to shed some light on such challenging core issues .maybe just laughing can help us to heal 💖😊

[@elyse443]

The only thing I wish I could change about my life is having had sh!tty parents. I feel sometimes like I will never really recover from them.

[@CherylsBirds]

This was one of my favorite videos of yours. What a great technique!

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thanks for the feedback. Shame is a topic that comes up in the community. Glad you like this technique.

[@marlajohnson]

Thank you for another very helpful and educational video. 😊

[@parikaamma]

Great video! Very helpful breakdown at the start! 🔥 🙏🏽

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

thanks for the kind words

[@cathydavidson5960]

Thanks for helping me deal with obsessive thoughts. I call it the record player and it has been driving me nuts for many years. Your KZbin was the most effective thing I have ever seen. I plan to listen to it many times as the short term memory is crap and need it to get into the hard drive. Many thanks.

[@suzie3716]

God bless you, you have really helped me. Wonderful man

[@JMurdock20]

Love his videos soooo helpful!

[@mariarichards5221]

Thank you so much, these messages provide relief to the relentless beliefs we carry about shame and embarrassment. Thank you again.

[@calsonicboom]

Alan, this video almost brought me to tears. These are great strategies to deal with these types of thoughts. I appreciate the video.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

calsonicboom, I am glad this material resonate with you. If you would like to deepen your understanding of attachment distress, please consider entering the conversation in the online membership community I started. You are invited to join other like-minded learners who value mapping out a plan of self-directed healing and want to share their insights with others. We are a kind, supportive group of folks committed to changing old patterns of relating. Please know you are welcome to be part of the community. You can learn more and register here: www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@mines1999]

Very, very good. I felt completely identified, and for sure I will practice this excercize because I want to change these feelings of never being good enough. Thanks.

[@evelynmae1390]

Really great video. Thank you 🙏

[@angelkaterose]

Beautiful video. Such an important message. And delivered so heartfeltly.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thank you for that supportive feedback. I appreciate you valuing my work. Please share this video with a friend who might also benefit. If you would like to help support the continuation of video creation then consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter. Click here to make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate

[@adhdsuperpowers1257]

This is exactly where I am at in my life! Your wisdom, articulations and vocabulary is genius 🤩 luckily I am in therapy trying to work through these issues. Thank you 🙏Thank you 🙏❤️

[@serenitymg1279]

Amazing video! From 11:45 you had me lauphing in tears 😂😂

[@theforeigner6988]

Wow. Finally something really practical about how to deal with this shame. Thank you so much. Greetings from Germany 🇩🇪

[@magicm6653]

This video made me cry, its crazy how much this mentality can direct one˙s life

[@sereene_care646]

A heartfelt thank you Alan for this video. I am deeply moved by every line you spoke because it is as if you exactly described my own experience or what i have been through. You helped me learn to like and love myself. You helped me save my life by seeing or knowing thw truth. A big hug to you Alan.💓

[@aytanguluzade5093]

you're amazing. Thank you

[@mariazichettella-caffrey7146]

I love you Alan Robarge. You have helped me so much.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Maria thanks for the supportive feedback. I'm glad to hear my videos are helpful for you. Thanks for valuing my work. If you'd like to learn how to engage more or support the continuation of my videos check out the options below: Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Check out the Community, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community Make a direct donation www.alanrobarge.com/donate Thanks again for letting me know this video was helpful.

[@fabscoto]

Thanks again Mr. Robarge, these talks are really helpful, I'm currently on sick leave for a month bc of a strong depressive crisis, next week I'll go back to work and I'm SO SCARED of not being good enough to my therapists, my parents, my supervisor 😢 and ultimately disappointing myself again... I'll try to put your tips into practice and thanks for always being a loving light onto our paths ☀️💞

[@susanripton1327]

Literally started work on shame today at therapy... It's a really difficult and deep topic for me to grasp.... But I'm getting there.... This helped a lot

[@innertubez]

Thank you for this incredibly compassionate and helpful video.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thank you for the comment. I'm glad to hear this video was helpful for you. If the information I offer is of benefit, then consider joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. The foundation is built on Self-Directed Healing where members are encouraged to create their own healing plans. This helps nurture a relationship with ourselves. It also helps us build a sense of agency. Members have reported feeling supported by having a platform where they can share their healing processes with others. Check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community Also, since you like this video you may be interested in building new relationship skills. Perhaps if you noticed unpredictable triggers of attachment distress hijack your relationships, resulting from these core beliefs, then The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course might be for you. To learn more take the quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Thanks again for letting me know the video was helpful.

[@jeffmaynardfitness250]

I absoluty love this video thanks for c=shearing this

[@gregrhodes2171]

That helps. Thank you.

[@Suzy585]

Where have you been all my life, Alan? Thanks for the videos, you are helping so many.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Suzanne, I’m glad this material resonates with you. If the information I offer is of benefit, then consider joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. You’re invited to join us. Here is a link for more info: www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@Suzy585]

@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma ✔ Done!

[@s.aura.h8084]

You’re lovely too Alan! Thank you! 🙏🏻

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Sarah, thank you for the feedback. Glad this one resonated for you. Since you liked this video you might also be interested in taking The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz

[@Kafka04]

Good advice, will be rewatching this when I need a reminder. Thank you

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thanks for watching; I'm happy that this one spoke to you and that you plan on using it as a reminder when you're feeling overwhelmed or lost. Since this video helped you, I want to recommend my course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. In this course, I explain in-depth the ways in which we respond to distress based on our attachment wounds and ways or relating to others. Take the quiz now to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz

[@natalinemorad961]

Thank you ❤️, its been very helpfull to hear you’r videos. There are so much wisdom and i understand myself so much better already after just 2-3 videos.

[@suzannemaroney4579]

The shame feels like it’s in my skin….heart, soul, mind. I got this thought from my parents ignoring I even existed.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Empathy to you. This sounds painful. Shame can be challenging. Wishing you self-gentleness.

[@noodilious1610]

Honestly this was so helpful. Thank u

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Yes, this core belief runs deep. Glad this video resonated for you. We talk about similar topics in the community I created, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited to come check up out if you want to explore this further alongside like minded individuals. Check out the Community unity, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@allkindsamusicchick]

Alan, you are so well-suited for this work. I hope that you enjoy sharing as much as we enjoy being on the receiving end!

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thank you. Yes, this is my life's work and I'm glad to hear you enjoy the videos. Please tag a friend that might also like the video. Thanks again.

[@mishellian1979]

Excellent therapist!