Interview: Counter Parenting With A Narcissist / Reducing Trauma To The Child

"Jaqui Sansom works with parents to create a secure family to live in.
Jaqui has been a family and child protection lawyer for 20 years.
For more information on her work please visit her website:
www.powerless2powerfulparenti...

[@RICHARDGRANNON]

"Jaqui Sansom works with parents to create a secure family to live in. Jaqui has been a family and child protection lawyer for 20 years. For more information on her work please visit her website: www.powerless2powerfulparenting.com/about/

[@stopthephilosophicalzombie9017]

Why was NPD dropped from the DSM?

[@RICHARDGRANNON]

NPD was not dropped from the DSM.

[@Jamie-le6wo]

Do you have thoughts regarding parentification of the children and the effects it actually has on the kids?

[@reikitree7498]

@@Jamie-le6wo Good point. My son who will be 18 in a few days has been forced into the role by father. We have a TI who has tried to end the process and father gaslighte and minimizes the TI by filing endless redundant petitions and objections to the Judge then has his attny push for vacating hearings and rescheduling as the times create conflict. The courts enable the cycle of circular never ending behavior

[@PrincessWinter]

@@Jamie-le6wo I am now 45, but I was parentified and have felt responsible for other people for most of my life until recently. Not just emotionally, but financially and have parented multiple partners instead of having a real partnership. The hardest lesson has been that I am not responsible for other adults. And if other adults feel hurt or angry over a boundary that I have set, I don't have to break it to make them feel better because their emotions are not my responsibility and they are not entitled to my time/attention/money. But I am finally there to the point that the guilt is not strong enough that I break the boundaries. I very recently held the line on an important boundary despite a bit of guilt after passive aggressive guilt tripping and I felt like a warrior.

[@jenniferbailey5914]

Now I am free of a covert narcissist I can see it all so clear. I am a strong woman yet I was a target. Never underestimate a narcissist. I stayed and thought I could fix him right up until he discarded me for a younger new supply. Even though I was devastated at the time it probably saved my life because I found Richard and he explained to me that I wasn’t going crazy. Thanks for the upload. How far have I come...I surprise myself.

[@frankosmith6718]

We should all remember that the hardest Narc abusers abandon are parents.

[@katalinmcewan]

LegOver Lass I’m an empath and I discarded the scumbag. It hurt the same though.

[@leahboynton1280]

Well said, I stayed out of tradition. You didn’t leave your husband because being a single woman was horrible. Here I am, single mom and thriving. They devour any person who has the traits they desire.

[@InHisService772]

You are strong. That’s PRECISELY why you were a target. Weak minded people are an insignificant supply source to the narcissist. They target strength so that they can CONSUME it. They are energy vampires. Truly evil.

[@RM-ln9xq]

Very frustrating to have a person with narcissistic traits accusing you of being a narcissist. When you are limiting contact and communication to protect yourself from their 'sucking you in' behavior. Then accusing you of having a cold heart, saying you are a narcissist. What a manipulating cluster. Really messes with your mind.

[@odette8905]

The only way to stop the cycles of abuse is no contact. In such extreme cases, this should be supported in law.

[@IndependenceJones]

Odette ive been told that unless theres lots of blood the narc parent has rights. The courts wont allow recordings of child speaking first hand not knowing they are recorded. And my child law guardian has to ask my lawyer whats going on before trial. So many times she has failed my child and actually made things worse. So Do my best. I just wish i could go get my child when he’s being abused and calls for help. Im just grateful to be physical custodian. Its hard knowing I can be mostly free of the ex and I have to send my child for visitation with no escape. .

[@odette8905]

@@IndependenceJones So awful that a child is ever knowingly sent back into the lion's den. Emotional abuse is just as damaging for children as physical, and has lifelong impact. Victims of abuse simply aren't believed. If recordings of child voicing their upset is not to be accepted in court, then what is? Children are too scared to speak up quite often and so continue to be abused. Can you speak with your child's school and ask them to regularly liaise with your child - they can take and make appropriate written records which maybe can be used in court.

[@IndependenceJones]

Odette It has been hard to mitigate. Im doing just that with my childs mental health therapist. Were fortunate that the team there is not only specifically trained in this type of abuse support but since we have been working with them the narc making appearances as the perfect parent pointing fingers, that they are aware of narc being a narc. It has taken almost 4 years so far for my child to open up, trust, and communicate with the therapists he sees. My hope is that he will be able to relay the incidents that occur when with his Father. I also have great contact in giving heads up for issues that arise so the therapist can ask good questions and offer good coping skills while taking note of anything that they can document. I have made it clear that I welcome their calling protective services if there is anything they can use to report. The school is pathetic and is more ignorant and less interested in getting involved. Its a shame that on many levels there must be physical visible harm done in order for any agencies to act in the best interest of a child. Ive been told time again that the judges dont like the recording of children and it would reflect worse on me than the abuser. Even though it is very obvious that Im not leading or coercing the child in any way. At this time I record still so that I have a good record of dates times and accurate recount of the situations. As with many situations involving the narc, the victims and in my case aslo being a parent and ex spouse, look to be crazy or just retaliating.l when making allegations. Corporal punishment is written off as a parental right and the narc comes in shining as he leaves no visible marks. The behaviors in school have been blamed on the child which is disgusting, and ive been told directly that all these provlems start at home with me. An overprotective and obviously lax mother with a grudge agains a father who is obviously just strict and old school. Which has been accepted as a good thing. Especially by those who dont have any qualified psychological background. So I press on and document. Have a tremendous close relationship with my son and encourage him to not be silent. Build him up and assure him that his Fathers behavior is not my childs responsibility. That we are all accountable for our actions. My child has been hushed from an early age and unless someone speaks with him immediately after or during a crisis its all a blur. Our children are not protected and even though I wish I had left with my son sooner I did hold on partly because I couldn’t bear the thought of sending him back alone. Luckily I have been learning to woek with the narc traits and when things get bad on visitation with his father, when my son now stands up to dad he knows he has backup. Plus the narc not knowing how to control the child usually ends up with narc letting child come home with me. Of cours le being all my fault. I cant take my child feom there without agreement from narc but narc doesnt want to deal with my sons non compliance. So we get lucky and I get to rescue my son who isually collapses at home. Crying, depressed, angry and confused. Gaslit and heart broken. Im peoud of my son though. He is calling it as he sees it, learning that no one else in his world treats him like his father and that the narc behaviors are not ok. So the fact that he can compare how the two homes are run and where he feels safe is huge in hope that he will be ok and not continue the co dependent ways. I pray. Well see who he picks when he starts the dating world. I am glad that is out a few years as he grows more aware. Courts and schools are broken and families are re abused by them. And in it all ai feel successful as we are still thriving more each year.

[@gothiccircle4283]

@@IndependenceJones Thank you for this. My friend is dealing with this right now. It doesn’t sound like things are any better than when you wrote this (in regards to family law taking narcissistic abuse seriously). How are things for you and your son now? Do you have any advice for my friend, who is in the thick of it right now?

[@InHisService772]

@@IndependenceJonesmy heart breaks for you and your son. This is such a hard battle. 😢

[@EveningTV]

Richard, as a mother of two sons with a diagnosed NPD/ASPD for a father I appreciate very much how you explained the horror of being legally bound to turn your children over to someone you knew was abusing them. This is such a failure of psychologists, family lawyers and judges, etc. As my sons were falling apart why didn't anyone say "This man is not capable of being an adequate caregiver of children?" The fact is these guys are people destroyers and one of my sons didn't survive it. It is that serious. ,

[@Rose.Daws0n]

🙏🏾❤️

[@JM-pr9mk]

Excellent interview, thanks to both of you. I parallel parent with what I have been told is a full blown NPD. Best advice I can offer is to limit all contact to written, preferably an app, I use Our Family Wizard and had it written into the settlement agreement. It allows me to respond rather than react and take my time on a response. Also I have needed the documentation for court. I answer him as if I am answering for the court. Short, business like and professional. I do not get sucked into his story. Also, I learned that where I go, the children go. I read that the worst thing for children is to have one Narcissistic parent and the other parent be toxic and a victim. It’s been 3 1/2 years and I am seeing the children coming out of it. I think they also need someone to talk with outside the parents and neutral. My daughter was the scapegoat and cut contact immediately at 21. Three boys still in contact and it may take until they are in their thirties as Richard said, but our relationship is good. I have held boundaries of good moral behavior for them and myself. There is hope!

[@marvthedog1972]

my ex wife is the Covert narc and once i was forced out of the house unwillingly, the kids started seeing their mother's true self as her anger that she fully vented on me was turned on them, specifically the older two. Since they loved their dad and stuck up for him, she started saying that they were conspiring to turn our youngest against her and told their therapist that I was using them to conduct a plan of parental alienation. Their therapist, totally sold on her lies because the therapist is a DV counselor as well and the woman forced me out of the home with false claims of DV. Further the therapist only speaks to the mother so she's got her full ears. So much for a 'neutral' third party. We also use OFW to communicate but have a 24 hour responding rule so i cant take all the time i need without some kind of initial response. recently when she starts making accusations i tell her that I will not respond any further to the posts and subject myself to continued abuse from her. That usually shuts her down quick because it calls out her abusive nature in writing which cannot be deleted in OFW.

[@silverlineingstar]

Around the 17 minute mark you start to speak about punishment and how its difficult for a narcissist to let go of someone. Listening to that it made me realize about a thought process i had the other day that created fear in me over a narcissist thats not in my life anymore. While dealing with my son who has autism and could hear the narcissist voice tell me that i failed as a parent because i couldn't get my son to do what I needed him to do. The narcissist would always tell me that. I then realized this was control he still had over me even though we haven't seen each other in 6 months. Realizing that even though he isnt in my he still has those controls. Thank you for your videos Richard! They are helping me break the trauma bond.

[@ryandugal]

You teach the child so that “the ultimate force in the world is not the parent anymore, but the child’s own moral philosophical system.” - Richard Grannon, beautifully articulated

[@maya6173]

Richard just described who I am as a child of 2 narcissistic parents: I was Both the scapegoat AND golden child in our family situation. I feel I have escaped becoming a narcissist myself because of being a true empath. My 3 siblings are showing narcissistic traits and it is so obvious now. I'm 41 now and I am just fully figuring out what has happened to me. I'm upset now because Richard just stated that children of narcissists end up "probably being spiritual, empathic and codependent..." Because of my parenting, unbeknownst to me, I ended up marrying a seriously narcissistic man. This is when I fully woke up to narcissism, and how it infiltrated my life. I have traced it all back at least 2 generations of abuse. My whole freaking family has SERIOUS Narcissistic Personality DISORDERS....I can't even complain because it will not be heard or acknowledged by the abusers. I literally have to start my life over. I just keep thinking about who was I supposed to be, because whoeverr I came into this world as, it was crushed out- my parents tied to crush ME out for their stupid lack of being THEMSELVES. Why do others have to suffer because a narcissist cannot face who they are? UGH!!!!! I had to go no contact to my whole family, they are like a cult. Thanks Richard for your help and providing knowledge. I am getting better everyday. I've been viewing all of his videos- I haven't gone to a therapist yet because as of now Richard is keeping me abreast of steps to take to healing....how long does it take to heal abuse from birth? ( 38 yesrs)❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

[@katalinmcewan]

Maya Simmons Sending you lots of love and hugs!!! I find out of the 16 books I have on narcs ‘Power Surviving and Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse’ by Shahida Arabi really helpful. I have it on audio and listen to it every night. It helps me heal and stay narc free. 💕

[@maya6173]

@@katalinmcewan Hello katalimcewan! I will be getting your recommended reading ASAP. All help is useful. Thank you for the good tip!!! A lot of info is about how to find a narc and such, but there is not much on how to pick up the pieces and moving on. Again, thanks for this!!❤

[@katalinmcewan]

Maya Simmons You are very welcome! I really hope you will find it helpful! I also have some that specifically deals with moving on. Such as ‘Whole Again’ by Jackson MacKenzie, ‘Smart Girls Guide to Self Care’ by Shahida Arabi and ‘The Safest Place Possible’ by Debbie Mirza. I also have a couple of books on empaths one of them is titled ‘Empaths Survival Guide’ by Judith Orloff. On KZbin I really like Inner Integration by Meredith Miller. Her mother is a covert narc and she ended up in a relationship with another narc (at least once). She has written a couple of books also. I have them on Kindle, but haven’t read them yet. Wishing you all the best!!!

[@ashleytipton5733]

Maya I feel your pain. I, too, have had to start healing centuries worth of generational curses having to deal with mental health. I've come to understand that long before I was born I made a soul contract with my mother and father and other people who would eventually need to put me through hell so that I could evolve and change my family's "curse" and heal generations that they could not accomplish on their own. Lisa A Ramano is here on KZbin and teaches workshops on how to reprogram yourself after you wake up. I know she helped so many people I know and I'm sure she could help you as well. Love and light and remember you did not waste time. We are all here to learn and heal. So that we can continue our soul's evolution.

[@jaklumen]

My grandmother made me a golden child as a hero type covert narcissist (see Inter Integration's "2 Types of Covert Narcissists" video) and Mom made me a scapegoat in retaliation. They both dueled over how to raise me. Grandma talked a lot of smack about both my parents, claiming to save me from their lazy impoverished ways, and Mom talked a lot of smack to my face, I suppose to cut me down to size from her mother's fuss over me, but also to establish dominance, I guess, as she was not to allow me to take her dead brother's place and usurp the attention she believed to be rightfully hers. I learned later that covert narcs are crawling all over my family of origin.

[@downunderoioi3421]

My parents were terrible examples on almost all levels, they nearly killed each other before my Mum left, I was only 7. It didn't get better, my childhood was shit, but I did make a firm decision that I was not going to be anything like them, and I wasn't. I raised my children with love and I had rules & boundaries, manners & morals. My parents showed me exactly what not to be.

[@ghananaturals8525]

Good for you Nola. I'm working on doing the same with my girls. All the best.

[@jacquisansom]

Nola - absolutely a bench mark for the lows and inspiration to reach for something much better - well done :-)

[@odette8905]

Good for you Nola. Phenomenal strength within you.

[@psychologicalsigma9917]

These narc's test us out in the beginning. Who's broken, or lonely, enough to play my games? And when one stays and fights the battle? Ding ding, we got one. *Shutters in delight* I feel bad for the wurms. They clearly we're not loved enough

[@odette8905]

Agree absolutely. 13.21. There is no co-parenting with a narcissist, only combative parenting. And the children do get highly damaged by this... something the law currently doesn't seem to recognise or acknowledge. Thank you for voicing that Richard. It is like handing children over to a wolf knowing they will suffer harm and damage; and the law condones it. Such a powerless position to be in. Utterly goes against a good parent's every protective instinct. It's wrong.

[@warrenl4186]

Hi there. That's so correct from my experience. I'm just beginning court proceedings with my ex narc. We have a 10 year old son. We're in Australia and here the family court system (and child services) still appears to "favour" the archaic notion that the mother is the best carer for the children (even though she is currently abusing our boy emotionally). The mother (narc) is playing the victim OMG. I'm learning to step back and trust that she will ultimately dig a hole deep enough to bury herself. If it looks like I'm fighting to protect our son it will go against me (try to make sense of that!) I'm learning to listen to my long lost intuition. Good must eventually prevail. It just has to! Kind regards Warren

[@odette8905]

@@warrenl4186 Have experienced that. They project the negative parts of themselves onto us, claiming we are the narc, that we are controlling, that they are victims. Appalling. They do eventually trip themselves up and the mask slips. With your son, try to gently approach the school and ask them to monitor him and whatever he's saying; he may open up to sch pastoral staff about what's really going on. They can then report to social services. You do have to keep your calm and your reason otherwise it feeds into the narc's lies and stories. So hard. I feel for you. Same journey here. Terribly unfair. The true colours eventually show however.

[@warrenl4186]

@@odette8905 bless your heart sweet. My life feels like such a contradiction at the moment. I feel so lonely and afraid yet so free and excited at the same time. I don't have anyone (friends or family) to chat with about this ordeal because only those of us with first hand experience with narcs can truly get it. I'm still totally dumbfounded. My head is beginning to understand but my heart is struggling. Thank you Odette. Thinking of you as well!!

[@odette8905]

@@warrenl4186 I understand very well the loneliness that comes with this stuff. People don't see it. Those of us who are going through it speak the language. Most of the journey is about self discovery and learning how we ended up in such a relationship. Learning to listen to and trust your gut instinct is an important healing factor. Richard Grannon's work is a light in the darkness.

[@hiddensonata5098]

This is why I haven't left. And my children are still in elementary school so it's hard to find the right time to leave. I know he will hurt the children in the process and try to turn them against me. Life is hard right now but I fear it will be harder if I leave. At this point, I'm praying for a miracle. I'm not sure what else to do.

[@cinnamonrose5599]

Narcs are less powerful & more dangerous than we assume. Yes !!! My narc mother sent people to break into my house more than once as punishment for my moving away. Helpful police officers told me to get a dog. Worked great but it felt weird to need to do that. I took "Buddy" with me everywhere even to work. He was a retired sheep herding dog & always stood between me & other people. I felt less brittle with him around.

[@jewelsbarbie]

Wow, your own mother sending people to break into your home; That’s horrific! I’m glad the police officers were so helpful, and their advice to get a dog worked. 🙂

[@cinnamonrose5599]

@@jewelsbarbie Thank you !! 🐕 ❤ 🐕

[@jaklumen]

Was Buddy trained as a service dog? I've looked into getting a service dog for many years, now.

[@cinnamonrose5599]

@@jaklumen Greetings. Buddy was a trained herding dog. When I adopted him we both went to dog training together in a group setting for him to adjust to life with me. No formal designation as a sevice dog but he functioned that way. Maybe you could go to some group training sessions with other service dogs & their people & see what you think. It made a huge difference on my path at that point in my life. Very good experience. I hope this helps answer your thoughts.

[@carolboldt]

AMAZING!!!!! FROM; childhood to parent's, to parenting then, relationship's to breaking down covert (failing)/overt Narcissist(s)! This is one of the BEST videos you've done on this subject EVER! Should be given to every domestic violence safe house and domestic violence/divorce case in the court system, etc. AMAZING! I learned even MORE today. *My poor child never stood a chance. He is now 30 and STILL being traumatized. Myself being an; intuitive-empath- clairsentient REALLY SUCKS! 💋

[@jacquisansom]

Wow Thank you Carol ...Domestic violence and domestic abuse is a subject very close to my own heart being a survivor and then investing time into charitable work by being a treasurer of a Women's Aid Refuge at the start of my legal career ...and being someone who has always relied on my intuition and clairsentient skills to guide me in the right direction in my legal cases to get the best results for the child it means so much to hear that this has helped you and may help others.

[@carolboldt]

@@jacquisansom I worked for 10 years with The Nicole Brown Simpson Foundation here in California. I had survivors and their children stay at my house and then transported them safely to and from their Court hearings (sometimes with armed body guards). This work is necessary and videos like THESE are INVALUABLE as this is missing in the; main stream. 🕊️♥️

[@odette8905]

28.22 An excellent point made by you both that counter parenting with an NPD means holding strongly to truth and good moral code with your kids - but this can lead to accusations of parental alienation. The problem lies with others involved who simply don't see the truth (social workers, cafcass officers, judges, therapists) and who do not recognise high level narcissistic behaviour. Often they have been charmed by the narcissistic parent. Hands get tied therefore in court orders on contact.

[@IndependenceJones]

Parenting after divorce of a pre teen. Out of gulag 3 years. I always learn more on what I was dealing with in my life and what im dealing with now. Great discussion. Thank you both!

[@jacquisansom]

pleasure Jamie !!

[@francesmcfadden57]

Thank you for dealing with this topic.

[@jrosebud2021]

I found this helpful. I have trauma bond issues. I was raised in a cult and keep replicating this with religious leaders/groups. Thankfully your courses and videos are beginning to heal me. Thank you.

[@jrosebud2021]

I offer u this - Thank you. It is true. We only can protect ourselves and have our own back so to say... 😀 I love healing and re-locating the locus of control.

[@neuroplasticity7235]

Great discussion Richard. Would love to hear more discussions about the effects on the child who grew up in these environments. Would be great to hear about Enmeshment of the child with the good parent, girls enmeshment with daddy or boys enmeshment with mommy. Have ben a long time listener and you have helped me to understand why my life is not working the way I want it to. I am 59 years old and what you say hear I can validate as true in my life. THANK YOU FOR ALL THE INFORMATION YOU PROVIDE.

[@jaklumen]

Me too.. I lived that life. Covert narc maternal grandparents, covert narc mom, aunts.. enabler father, uncles. It's all over my family of origin.

[@ruxandraserbanescu9831]

I think the most difficult thing is that the difference between the victim or the crime is indistinguishable... not just on the surface ; the whole thing is contaminated until is not

[@odette8905]

Jaqui, even when you've done the emotional self repair and reparenting from childhood, it doesn't stop the narcissistic attacks from an NPD. I would like to see the law properly address this unseen, invisible harm - it further harms the other adult but also damages the children in immense ways. The damage then becomes intergenerational.

[@JB-vk4zp]

This is so very good. Thank you for this. One thing that has helped me is to hold fast to the knowledge that the worst thing to the difficult ex is not hearing or reading a response to some ridiculous accusation or demand. The worst to him is silence. Refusing to engage is powerful. Way more powerful than any truth I can claim and communicate to him that he will twist and turn into a fight. Also, imagine any communication being shown to your child or to a judge. A simple “yes” or “no” response is your best friend.

[@youaresoulessence]

Mate... Thankyou.. I've been badgering you for this very difficult subject..lol. Coming to the point where I fully understand the split in my kids, caused by the ructions of NPD vengeance and its effects.. On every level I understand that I must walk away... It's a moral bind between emotion and evidence based fact, having seen the machinations in text book fashion full on for 9 years.. I appreciate the validation in coming to this very painful conclusion. My kids are polarised every holiday to the point that I believe it may be harming them more with the radical swing in environment.. They can see it all but their age (12 and 11) Stockholm is well in swing, the ensuing trauma bond and immature unhealthy optimism and want for trust and love beyond the realities has them overwhelmed. My daughter has turned on me in fear, seeing her mother is winning. I love them, though each encounter is traumatic by the levels of external and internalised control.. I get them feeling only to have it all sabotaged apon return. Over years I believe I prevented my boy from extreme narc traits... Now the mother switches golden child and black sheep to continue the discombobulation and predation of the newly appointment black sheep by the other 2... As you said, dangerous.... Gratitude Richie 💙😔 Namaste..

[@lisadavies2545]

This made me realise exactly what I have done with my daughter. Over compensated as her Dad but put in boundaries as I saw his traits in her. He was absent and a narc. Now at 15 she’s cut me off completely and gone to him. He is now brainwashing her she doesn’t see her friends and he’s using this to punish me !!

[@theideaplace]

I offered no child support payments for full custody and no visitation to my ex-narc husband... he jumped at it as he only cared about $$$ - but legally you have to put child support payments in the paperwork... he was such an SOB and was so horrible to her over the years and me after the divorce that about 14 yrs in I did go for a portion of the child support and of course got it because nobody gets out of paying child support... boy was his histrionic 3rd wife pissed... told him to tell my daughter he'd never see her again if I took that money... but we took it... He rarely saw her and I was nervous as hell every time she was with him.. anything was possible... He wouldn't even help her pay anything for her wedding.. and she's basically written him off now, realizing he's worthless - fortunately she married someone who is the opposite of him - mainly because she didn't spend much time around him...

[@amaliagkouma6270]

The ex covert overt narc parent cant fool the kids anymore. He made some big mistakes to mistreat me in front of them post separation period and they cannot trust him anymore. He fell into his own trap. I thank you for all the education you circulate for all survivors. In the end love and light can win. Thank you

[@powerhouse2024]

Looking forward to watching this.. just had to let my 15 year old very alienated and brainwashed son go to live at his dads to minimize the split. Golden child there, and black sheep here because I had to hold him accountable for bad behavior. Once the child is trained to judge you through a lens darkly, the roles have reversed, and authority is lost. Everything I did was just another chance to validate some viewpoint he had I can't comprehend. The narc continues your catwalk on eggshells. You have birthed the next generation of your trauma, a spy moves inside your home cloaked inside a child you adore. The greatest act of love was to release him. It's horrifying. I wish this on no one.

[@odette8905]

So very sad to hear this. It does happen and it's hard to fight. You can only hold onto your truth and your integrity. I feel for you.

[@jacquisansom]

Deanna I agree the greatest act of unconditional love is to release him but the ability to relate and connect with your son for the life long relationship is still up for transformation

[@lynseypringle9585]

Thank you. I have learned a lot from this video. I fear as a lone parent, I do over compensate and give in too easily. This has given me the kick up the bum I needed. 🙏🏻

[@geehappyhips]

Thank you both. I left my npd partner 5 years ago, after 27 years. Your videos have helped me understand and overcome so much in the aftermath. That and my strong,smart daughters who have had to deal with npd issues/ black sheep/ golden child labels etc. This awareness raising of these dynamics is life changing. Thank you, thank you, thank you x

[@bodymindsoul60]

Ritchie, I cant thank you enough for the work you do! I feel like a real Blackbelt these days...between you the last 5 years and Carolyn Myss (I highly recommend her lecture 2014 Castle Combe -" Anatomy of Your Soul" she is a well renowned medical intuit here in America, she tells it like it IS ),,, This work is TUFF but you will become a whole new person if you can go through the long painful process of sifting through your entire belief system.. Million thanks , again!!

[@docgalt2801]

Richard, this was a truly wonderful interview. I really appreciate you taking the time to explain all of this. You are correct in your explanation as to handling a Narcissist. I am not an expert in this field. But it took years of trial and error trying to figure it out for myself on how to deal with this person. The thing that I always had a problem with was the effect it has on my daughter. I appreciate your insight. It really helps my perspective.

[@trevawhitmoyer682]

Game changer: Covert Narcissist--Wow! This is exactly what I've been dealing with! My husband DOES have the capacity to "apologize" a day or so after he acts terribly towards me, and since I'm an eternal optimist, I kept thinking he learned something. No...We've had the same abusive dynamic for years. I'm finally ready to get out and tried to when the kids were younger, but my husband made it clear that he would do all he could do to damage our children psychologically and even veiled threats of physical violence. My children are finally of age, so he can not hold them over my head anymore. My counselor warns me to not get behind the wheel of a car with him anymore because if he perceives I'm leaving, he'll kill us both in an "accident." How do I "warn" my children (19 & 24) not to put their lives at risk with their father before I leave? I see him hurting them and trying to control our finances being his obvious choice of punishment to me. I have successfully "gray rocked" him for about 6 weeks now. Any constructive advice would be wonderful.

[@user-hq6zn3ku8k]

This is what mine was like, when he said sorry my heart melted and my Christian values which were actually manipulated but I always believed him, he had the face of an angel. I've had so many abusive boyfriends in my past 20 years ago addiction and none of them said sorry not sure if they were narc as I was always off my head. I've been so stressed and afraid of x in future because my body shuts down,shakes, vomits.

[@garyr1934]

Richard You are always brilliant but this interviewer wax so spot on with great questions and in a perfect order that you were as clear in your descriptions as could be Thanks to both of you Thank you for all that you do for so many of us

[@jamieshue6145]

OMG! It was just like that! It was Counter Parenting! I finally ended the relationship and now am struggling with the guilt of staying to somehow control the situation for the kids. When I started to leave and the children were small he took it out on them. I made the choice to look like I had returned to the fold. Now my adult children drop information showing how badly I failed.Thank you Richard.

[@CrystalVR2016]

This depresses me because I feel stuck no matter which way I go. If I stay, I damage my children. If I leave, I damage my children as my husband abuses them to punish me.... much work to do.

[@jacquisansom]

Lee so sorry you find yourself in that place with your husband and your children are caught in the middle. It is a perpetual and exhausting battle to fight every day - sending you much love and strength

[@linda_sue]

Thank you, both. I never tire of poking into the complexities of recognizing malignant dominance.

[@camilagenevieve3390]

I was creating a "defacto golden child" without realizing it and he presents with some narcissistic traits, I'm so happy you shed light on that. Thank you.

[@crystalvincent8034]

Thank you for covering this subject!

[@universe2198]

Great discussion!! Get well soon 🙏🦵🏻

[@marilynminer677]

Thank you to you both for this terrific interview.

[@samirasauvage1167]

❤ Thank you Richard!

[@kitkatthat1219]

Knowledge is power and faith and new insight learned by watching you and your followers are life changing.

[@spray-n-prey9717]

I left my borderline ex-wife 6 months ago but my daughter is starting to act out and really remind me of her specific traits, last week she literally had chocolate on her lips but didn’t eat the missing chocolates lol... she’s only 10 but she knows better. N I know things will fall into place for me as I left with nothing. I just hope that I can help her, by me modeling self truth, empathy etc... I spend every minute I can with her. However My worst fear is that she will grow up to be just like her mom.

[@user-eh5hq4fk3c]

Thank you so much for this! ☺️

[@lill1557]

Well done my friend. Thanks for this.

[@LizEarthAngel3]

Thank you 🙏🏻 going through this right now, these videos so informative and helpful when stuck in a situation with one

[@odette8905]

Great interview, thank you. 👏

[@nakuruhike7991]

Great video. Thank you both.

[@sujeybello1712]

I‘ve been living with my father since I was born. My mom and him have been together for many years. When I got older and stemmed out on my own, and started to work & become an adult, I dove into relationships and noticed that treating people the way I saw my father treat my mother . It was so weird. Like if she wasn’t important but have these random bursts of love. I finally experienced a relationship that treated me the way I had been treating everyone else in my past and it basically mirrored everything about me. I didn’t realize why I kept trying to escape that relationship until I realized this person was mirroring the exact person I was. Down to when he mentioned that his relationship with his father was busted just like my own. It’s like this person was me in a different body. I learned so many lessons . And I began to heal myself ever since. I don’t want to be a narcissist because I desire real health and mental stability. I’m finally coming into my own personality and worrying less about what people think about me. And I’m tapping into beautiful friendships and relationships that are life long worthy

[@givemewings2travel380]

Thank you! ❤️ Thank you!❤️ Thank you! ❤️

[@alaysiakayebutler6299]

Richard, I have been comforted, inspired, validated and guided by your programs, and have developed a trust in them, becausr of how you hit the nooks and crannies, and cover the ranges of human mental and emotional thought feeling process+ cultural impacts in a way that satisfies my psyche and skepticism. I have a wonderful son who has been taking brutal abuses, including physical from a young woman hes been with 3 yrs, staying in order to protect his baby son, now 1 yrs old.. He has moved out this wk, now after her second arrest ( out of dozens of episodes of battering) for domestic assault, and instead of her getting to experience consequences, she was such a polite, composed person that the D.A. dropped the charges again and released her to go take care of her baby.. Good, eh? she places son last while, sharply focused solely and intensely on punishing, destructive belittling, condemning, baiting, and all manner of destroying peace, person and property. But of course, controlling the care of her child, while complaining endlessly about being a parent, ripping him out of dads arms and care as part of the abuses, then forgetting him, to chase down dad, treating the child like an object, and has caused other family alarm by actively and openly complaining about being a mother. Stating how she Resents it. Blames the baby for her problems, getting angry over the inconveniences; the normal fuss, crying, lost sleep etc have sent her into the rages(imo, excuses for abuses) against the dad.. Its always his "fault" and every "crime" that she has decided were reason to be pissed, comes into her newest momentary victim narrative.. Material things like a coffee cup misplaced, hers, is a crime to blow up over, while every valuable thing of target, the computer used for classes or vehicle, phones, etc are intentionally smashed before bashing the person..throwing things even if the target is covering/ sheilding the child. The whole range of property destruction and terrorizing, breaking down locked doors..detetmined to attack and seems to think she is the victim when her target escapes the premises and is out of range.. I have no illusions that its sage to assume or to expect better behavior, with her primary target out of the residence, except to cover her when she works, even taking off work to cover so she didn't have to miss work. Thats a huge issue. Both work but he was covering all the costs for a simple nice home and decent lifestyle. Why am I sharimg this? Im still trying to get my son to dial in to this kind of information so he handles her better, because he cant save himself when his baby needs him to manage this mother who's holding for ransom, his very life.

[@nicmc1909]

Thank god for your straight up advice Richard

[@junegerber4028]

I love the word "moral". Thanks Richard for communicating about morality. Unfortunately the Narc abuses behind the scene and then tells the kids to feel sorry for the victim while the victim is going crazy from the abuse and lies. Then the Narc looks like the good guy as if he really feels sorry for the victim......and by the time the kids are grown they are so confused about what it true and what is not they opt to side with the Narc because the victim is the ANGRY one while the Narc is calm and steady. Happens all the time. I had my Narc x arrested for the abuse then divorced him and have since divorced all 4 of my adult children because they have chosen to believe his lies. Victims should understand that these Narcs DO have power..... the lack of a "moral" compass enables them to be terrorists with complete capability to destroy everyone involved to protect their fantasy world!! Ladies - WARNING - The courts are run by masonic narcissistic fuckers who will continue to abuse you just because they can. Don't trust your victim's assistant, prosecutor, lawyer, or your judge. They all work for the masonic mob completely dedicated to the destruction of your family and overtly committed the annihilation of your sanity. Two pieces of advice: 1) don't marry and 2) don't have kids.

[@lydiaangeles3543]

That was amazing‼️You asked such great questions. I feel like you were asking things I’ve wanted to ask for so long, and of course Richard you answered them perfectly. 😉Thank you so much.

[@peterbrow]

Very interesting and relevant; coincidently I’m currently reading Deborah Orr’s ‘Motherwell: a girlhood’ (2020) which tells of her being raised by two narcissistic parents (and she probably married a narcissist?) and her subsequent breakdown - her book specifically looks at narcissism in depth.

[@jong5156]

Love a new Richo vid 👊

[@shakilagods-love-child1288]

This is amazing. I’d love to be counseled by this you. This is the first video I’ve watched and I feel empowered.

[@meh8103]

Thanks Richard for explaining that when you're dealing with someone with NPD trying to reason and co- parent is a non starter.

[@jennifercrotty193]

Thank you so much for this video. Going through divorce with a man I believe is a covert narcissist. My biggest fear is how it will affect my kids. This video has answer some questions for me.

[@aliceroberts1980]

Wow really great video I like the description of covert narcissist their all coverts sometimes. My N husband is both all the time mite be NPD or BPD.

[@lydiaangeles3543]

This is an amazing interview thank you so much

[@youaresoulessence]

And thankyou Jackie 💙🦋

[@yvettevernet4759]

This is a great video.Clarified a lot of things for me.

[@daRich_X]

Thank you

[@nene9529]

Thank you for this video🙏

[@1RPJacob]

33:10 it's better stop asking WHY it happened to me? and instead ask HOW? and WHAT can I do about it.

[@kitkatthat1219]

Oh my gosh! That was my Parents. Mom narc and Dad empath. 87 and 90 now. Mom still tells me what to do and I am just now starting to put myself first. I feel for my dad....and I am so much like him. I married, divorced and remarried a man 15 years older who is just like my mom. I am so glad I found you but I am so ready to put this behind me. So much trauma in my life I shouldn't even be here. But I am and life is short I have forgiven but it messed up a good part of my life. I am tired of talking about it and going to therapy. I am going to be fine . Thank you!

[@jacquisansom]

Kathy well done for identifying that your relationship norms start with your parents and so pleased forgiveness is part of your journey but please remember forgiveness is like charity ...it begins at home so always prioritise your self forgiveness :-)

[@kitkatthat1219]

@@jacquisansom Jacqui, thank you! It took me a long time to understand what forgiveness truly meant. Thank you for your time and advice and I am working on being kind to myself. Have learned so much in the past 6 months then in 20 years if therapy! Thanks again!

[@meganfoster9061]

1000% that is the hardest part of my job as a divorced parent is to send my 4 year old into a psychological war zone with someone who he unfortunately trusts by nature. And preparing him for guarding against this war fare before he is developmentally able to understand the concepts.

[@sandracarey1560]

You’re so smart Richie! How can you turn the tables on a narc ?please make video on how to protect yourself and kids from a narc thank you

[@katalinmcewan]

I know a covert narc whose ex wife is an overt narc. They have 10 year old IVF twins together. It’s horrific! I feel really sorry for those children!

[@maya6173]

Yes, I am a twin from 2 narcissistic parents...didn't find out about myself until 41 years old!! I have a lifetime of abuse to heal...

[@katalinmcewan]

Maya Simmons Sorry to hear that! Both my parents were alcoholics, not narcs though. My Dad was abusive and would beat my Mum, and we would have to watch. My Mum was very loving. They passed early in my life. I also have a lot of healing to do. I’m an empath which apparently often the case where both parents are alcoholics, although could have inherited it from my Mum.

[@marilyndavidson652]

Great interaction...

[@jessicasaccone7608]

Public Service Announcement! Lol, but seriously. What Richard says around the 26:00 mark about one parent overcompensating for the narcissistic parent out of guilt can cause NPD in the child, this is absolutely true and needs to be understood! One parent is treating the child like they mean nothing (the narc) and the other is artificially inflating their child to compensate for that, this creates a shame-based/grandiose adult who flip-flops between unbearable feelings of worthlessness and narcissistic grandiosity and external blame to cover up/not feel those painful, unbearable feelings. Do not parent out of guilt! You will most likely create the exact kind of child/adult that you are trying to avoid.

[@katemiller144]

So helpful

[@mimilalla6197]

I would like to comment on the part where he says : "when you load all your expectations on another human being you garantie disapointment." I think that is the first mistake we do as victims of narcissism. we put them in a position higher than what they deserve and beleive in them as the only thing we need in this life. That kind of trust should not be given to any human being. and that kind of attachment should not be towards anything like for ex: money , career, a hobby, a passion,. Anything (given to you in this life) that you put above your relationship with god (the giver, the Allgiving)and anything you do for the sake of wordly rewards is going to slip from your hands and leave you void and lost. For example, its your birthday and you friend offers you a nice gift. you take the gift and you go away with it , without thanking him. you get busy with the gift and forget about your friend. That is a reminder, in a way, for all us the victim of abuse, of God. We gave the narcissist the power to destroy us by surrending to them, by putting them above ourselves and above God unconsciously even as beleivers we do this huge mistake.

[@asne5676]

Thank you Richard for your ability to clearly explain and guide us through this relationship minefield for those of us experiencing this. There is a lot online regarding identifying a narcissist and also being in a “relationship” with one and its consequences. But if one has managed to totally remove themselves from a 19 year marriage with a covert or fragile narcissist and 16 years have gone by and then there is a sudden realisation or waking up to the fact once the numbing and coping strategies come away that you have CPTSD where to from there for healing of oneself? It is like I have now awoken from that state and discovered I have been on auto pilot but disconnected from any joy and needing to come home to me and no longer knowing who that person is. Where to from here?

[@amydandridge4275]

Wish the convo would have stayed on target concerning kids, but it was fantastic still.

[@chikachikaslimshady1]

Im too great to comment here

[@twoplustwoequalsfour48]

If you respect your enemy you will win....

[@mrfish9344]

Brilliant conversation Difficult to navigate thrugh the fog of narcs shit

[@Nanneke9]

Yaaaay! Been longing to hear you speak on co/counter parenting Richard! I'm concluding I'm doi g pretty well, except for the slips of telling him how I truly feel now and then in an emotional moment, and spending too many words in those emails on occasion and also slightly over compensating. Luckily, my 10 year old is a very smart empath with a strong moral sense. Just one more question: if there's only one child, will the child function as both the buckets? 🙏🏼💜

[@jacquisansom]

HI Nanneke sounds like you are doing a fantastical job !! Fantastical that you have such great insight to see where you are powerful and powerless. I only had one child who is also very empathic, and I struggled when my daughter was younger. I cut contact with the narcissists in my life and limited the contact with others in my extended family who "didn't feel right" but I had no evidence at the time to support decision making around complete break ...that evidence did come to light later and the amount of betrayal I felt was overwhelming because it left me and my daughter very isolated. However I can say whilst the journey was very hard and messy at times we have a very stable and secure relationship where we are able to be honest and transparent with each other to overcome any problems we may face as individuals or as a family. My daughter is now an adult with her own children, she conducts her life and has made decisions that make me so proud of her everyday and meant she provides a family unit for her own children that sadly she was denied during her own childhood. She is a phenomenal parent which derives from her own strong moral sense and experiences which provides a balance to help her discern about what she will and won't accept in terms of her own boundaries. Even as a teenager she showed up in a very emotionally mature way and was able to reason and rationalise her way through her problems Sadly we cannot protect our children from every negative experience but the best gift we can give to our children [whatever their age] is love and support them throughout their own experiences and help them to develop the skill set and ability to understand and navigate their own experiences because childhood is experiential and intrinsically know what "feels" right and wrong. It sounds like you got this !!!

[@Nanneke9]

@@jacquisansom Wow, thank you so much Jacqui, your response is bringing tears to my eyes. I can foresee our son doing exactly what your daughter is doing. I'm gonna keep doing my best at setting boundaries and realistic expectations for him, love him and trust that he'll be fine. I was looking at your website an workshops... Any chance you'll do one in the Netherlands? 😁😍 Thanks again! 🙏🏼💜

[@odette8905]

@@jacquisansom I resonate with your experience and your views. Glad to hear that your daughter survived her childhood difficulties with such strength and has become a remarkable parent herself. Congratulations on your own strength, and for the role that you do - we need so many more like you to help families in this situation. Wish I had had you beside me in family court. 🤗

[@Kingottakar1]

Re love? They love children as far as the child reflects well on them, or can be used to get at the other parent. For example when my daughter was at boarding school she had a friend I was concerned about and the housemaster knew this. My ex would have known this as well if it had been possible to coparent with him. The HM emailed me to let me know, incidentally, that she had planned to go out for the weekend with this friend. Normally she always asked me to clear weekends, but she had anticipated I’d say no and gone to her dad, who said yes. That was fine, I wouldn’t have expected him to know he was being played. She was furious (there was going to be no parent present), so I told her to jump on a train and I would pick her up instead because I know how disappointing it is to have a w/e fall through last minute. I gave her the week day train times by mistake so she’d have had to wait about 30 mins but she, in a huff, decided she was going back to school and jumped in a taxi. When my ex found out he thought I’d stopped her to undermine him and show him up as a bad parent. That’s because that is the sort of thing he does. He arranged a meeting with the school and then sent me an email telling me that my daughter was now only allowed to leave school with ‘a known’ adult. He went on to say (and here comes the superfluous lie for authenticity), that the school was very insistent on this, something to do with insurance. Well I knew that was rubbish. Boarding schools have affiliated taxi firms which students are allowed to use, the fare even goes on the school bill. They were annoyed because she had jumped in any old taxi to go back to school, that was all. I emailed the housemaster to check. He said the exact opposite. It had nothing to do with the school, that it was my husband who had insisted. I forwarded my ex’s email to the housemaster and added that if he said that he had full custody that was also untrue (I heard he’d been doing that). It wasn’t long before my daughter needed to go to Orthodontist’s appts., etc. I wasn’t driving for hours every time she needed to leave the school, so she was furious, he was often out of the country and that term turned into a proper bugger’s muddle. Of course it wasn’t long before he lifted the sanction but he couldn’t do it immediately to save face. I couldn’t because he’d imposed it. Nothing about him had ever crossed my mind when I stopped her going, so I was astonished but it is exactly how all of them roll. They think you do absolutely everything with them in mind, it doesn’t matter who gets caught up in the crossfire which is usually the children. All the time. I have endless examples. People who love people don’t weaponise them, or use them as shields, their other favourite trick. I leaned what he was like by what he attributed to me, but not for years. Most of the time I was just baffled. That example was rather satisfying, but they aren’t usually. Usually everyone lives in a state of anxiety because plans go awry so often without having any idea why. They do a brilliant job of playing ‘father of the year’. Why do you think they always want to fight for custody? It’s not because they want actually to have them full time, or that it would be in the child’s best interests.

[@MusicBobAllan]

Can I please ask that you read to the end of this msg, to hopefully understand what I’m meaning to say? I really Your clarity on all your videos Richard. I have no degree, but I think it’s well established that most things diagnosed are on a spectrum. I would even rather call a narcissist a “toxic person” because I feel like the term “Narcissist” can sometimes be used as a cop out from bitter ex’s etc. On the other side of the scale (And highly qualified psychologist once used as a term about the abusive marriage I was going through at the time), that I was a “team player” in the relationship (instead of “co-dependent”. As much as I acknowledge we need to keep our eyes open to predators, I prefer the term “team player” over “Co-dependent”. In my personal experience I always stood up for myself and boundaries, but that enraged her even more..(Like a toddler being told they can’t have a lollipop). And she knew she could use my son as a pawn in family court. I don’t think it’s as simple as “being a co-dependent”, when ur practically trying to negotiate with practically a “terrorist”, just to see ur children...

[@ChristyLee-vw2if]

Wow. So interesting.

[@StatikFeedBacK]

Words can not describe the amount of resentment and contempt that I now have for my parents and sister since I’ve been educated. It is almost too much for me to deal with. It’s taken a lot out of me to realize all of the betrayal and violations I couldn’t recognize in the past. Probably because I was constantly under siege. Can’t see the forest through the trees, can you?

[@Jjustbbe]

I escaped my ex malignant narc but I have to share two little boys with him. I am managing the situation by having minimal contact as possible and only about the children. He looks like the amazing father on the surface and has a favourite golden child. The problem im having is the ex is trying to slander my name with friends, family, neighbours, they boys school, calling social services on me, telling me he's taking me to court to take the children away from me. He has the children 4 nights I have them 3, he will not let me have more time with my boys. I dont know what to do and I dont have the finances to fight him legally.

[@shodack5124]

I am now in a custody battle with my narcissist ex, all of his creating. I am really struggling with my 8 year old having any contact, but he is determined (and early not for her best interest). I honestly never realized how bad it would be, even after my eyes were mostly open in the last year of our relationship.

[@juliettailor1616]

Wished parental alienation had been discussed more. Haven't seen a narcissistic parent yet who hasn't used a child against another parent, relative. One of the most evil thing one can do and ruins the child's relationship with the other parent for life.

[@restlessgypsy3505]

What is the dynamic where the black sheep and golden child are used ‘alternately’ by the narc parent?

[@staciwhite4276]

Well, having been the black sheep in this very family situation... I (and my brother agrees) call it “life”. I cut off communication with my NPD mother almost 20 years ago and still she rages and rails at the mention of my name. I only wish she’d stop using my nephew the way she used me.

[@restlessgypsy3505]

Staci White Well done for maintaining the no contact rule, it’s the only way unfortunately. The covert narc parent in my case in question is my two children’s mother. As the children age she swings from treating one or the other as golden child / black sheep with increasing vigour. The intensity of the treatment increases both ways too. But as Richard says, they are both just buckets to her.

[@staciwhite4276]

Restless Gypsy Wow. I am very sorry for the awful position you and your children are in. Covert narcs are destructive. I imagine this is incredibly confusing to your kids. I haven’t heard of a specific term to label this particular behavior, maybe someone else has. But it absolutely exists. I have to agree, we are just buckets to the narc. We’re also projection screens to them.

[@coochchili217]

@20:30 Swears loudly in head at how I still am sincere with my communication!! So annoyingly foolish! Will need this going forward though, so thank you

[@coochchili217]

Wow, isn't that something @33:00. Makes sense now. The toxic parent scapegoats the kid that threatens their value the most.

[@staciwhite4276]

My originally non-narcissistic father was weak. He allowed my NPD mother to triangulate me away from him. No communication, and we still lived in the same house. She broke him, too, and he went into survival mode, which means he jumps as soon as she commands him to. There was no “healthy parent” in this situation. 😞

[@jacquisansom]

Ahhh Staci so sorry to hear this was your experience ....are you a parent now and how do you manage yourself when you find yourself triggered by this ?

[@staciwhite4276]

Jacqui Sansom Thank you. My husband and I made the conscious decision before we married not to have children because of my mother. The only thing she said when I told her we were engaged was, “but your children won’t have blonde hair and blue eyes.” And that was before I put the word “Narcissism” on her behavior. My mother even fought with me over my college major. I wanted to study psychology and make a career out of it. I studied mass communication (radio, tv, film) instead. And did nothing with it. I cut both parents out of my life about 18-19 years ago. I want to educate my brother so he can protect his kids, but he is unreceptive. My mother has a stranglehold on my 19 year old nephew now. My nephews grew up hating me because of their Grandmother’s still frequent rants about me. I’ve been studying NPD and BPD for the past few years and it’s answered all my questions. I experience far more peace now than ever because the emotional flashbacks and constant ruminating have stopped. I thank God every day for my husband and his family. They know how to experience and show genuine love. I still cry and feel emotional pain when I feel loved. Probably always will. That’s ok, I know I’m wired differently because of my childhood experiences. And what Richard said about studying psychology for the rest of our lives rings pretty true to me! 🙂

[@odette8905]

@@staciwhite4276 If you continue to follow Richard's work, it does make a very positive difference. It is possible to grow and self-parent towards a much healthier life. Jacqui is a great example of this too. Stay strong and keep trusting your gut instincts. All the best.

[@lagocki29]

Co parenting with an adult narcissistic person is like dealing with a adult child prone to tantrums and drama if things dont go their way.

[@vanessagreen78]

In the eyes of Family Court you are not allowed to defend yourself against the abuser. My ex told our children he was paying me maintenance and we were struggling financially because I was stealing it from them. My children were broken by believing their father was telling the truth about me being a thief, so I showed our children bank statements to prove my innocence, since my ex wasn't even paying child maintenance, so how could I be stealing it. The family court saw this as me being abusive and didn't look at his behaviour which was hopeful in turning our children against me, and he would have done so if I hadn't told the truth. They don't care how much damage they cause their children and Family Court enable them.

[@planeoldpaul1512]

Which rules please, moral (lawful) or the statutory acts, which are arguably against morally acceptable, good podcast thankyou

[@yaniaamber8600]

I almost die after giving birth due to a rare disease cause by the narc trauma I ended up home less with the baby he pressure me to have .... 1 year later I got my pills and a place ...he has a woman who text me all the time to kill myself !!!and another 19 yrs old pregnant and he torture me with that mentally it's killing me I can't go on like this your the best I heard so far plz help I'm in Montreal ... he yell n attack me every time he visits us but threat other women kids like gold whyyyy

[@Canaday291]

Confirming your depressing prognosis My children and I have become included in the sad statistics of the destroyed victims of a malignant npd ex husband It has become a living nightmare to not only deal with our worst enemy’s constant merciless abuse on us/ his prey But to also know he will never ever self reflect and take accountability and try to change for the sake of his children aka ..transactional pawns or objects to him Through the tortuous years there was never ever coparenting with him it was always counter parenting So every single day was always intentionally diabolically chaotic fighting stress induced by him and miserable With him constantly brainwashing manipulating , and coercively controlling to trauma bond my children in order to alienate and isolate them from me He was always sabotaging and erasing all of my good unconditional loving intentions hard dedicated work to guide nurture encourage support and instill values principles spirituality and healthy discipline in my children He is truly evil to the core

[@lindsaykennedy9678]

Moral system 👌

[@25johis]

I'm worried about How much I feel desconected to my husband. I tried to "read " him. Sometimes seems narci and others times I Don't see attachment with him self. (Awareness and reflexion). I ask Questions about his childhood and he sais that He had a normal family, he was the youngest, but I see lack of conexion with his brothers. (No hugs and talking about theirs lives). Shallow conversations. BUT he mentioned over and over again about his bullyng experience made him really no to care about the others opinion. Sorry about my English 😬. Is he narcisist??. We have to kids. One of my kids is asperguer. 🤔 Thanks for sharing this. Hugs from Norway desde Noruega🇳🇴 ❤

[@chariseyoung9547]

I was with a psychopathic narcissist as a roommate when I was brain damaged. He was horrible to me in front of my children demolishing me. I was so confused as to what triggered his insanity we spent many weekends at friends. It was crazy making he would promise to stop I'd get the groceries together make plans get my children it would happen again and again. Even the Womens Shelters would treat us badly because my boys were 9 and up saying they were past the age to be there protected with me. He tended to be worse at Holidays then we'd spend Christmas Holidays in shelters the shelter staff would think we were after gifts when we were after safety. He was the epitome of an evil beyond comprehension. I moved hundreds of miles away got my boys he had no contact then he would get his new woman to hoover me they stole out of our freezer. She lost her children then she lost access to grandchildren then she lost her life. He tried to hoover me back after her death he's gone bonkers now into watching people in bond age getting murdered and dating a new woman with low self esteem who just lost her husband. I was trolled on Facebook by him my friends too now I've blocked him. He's Hungarian Sam Vaknin describes him or this condition to a T he deteriorated the violence increased the smugness objectifying he was monstrous. He was a survivor of the Hungarian revolution his dad joined the Russians and tortured his mom and him and his brother with the techniques he was exposed to to kill his own people. I suspect ritual abuse as well from the patterns of violence heightening escalating during Holidays.

[@odette8905]

So which is less harmful? (34.12) To allow early childhood damage to the golden and scapegoat children by permitting contact with the NPD parent, then hoping the children make a recovery in later life? Or prevent early childhood damage by children going no contact with NPD parent yet suffering the loss of that NPD parent?

[@odette8905]

28.47... 'Even narcissistic parents love their children'. That point I would challenge. They 'need' their children as tokens of narcissistic supply to build up their self image, grandiose sense of self, importance etc. That's not the same thing as 'love'. True NPDs are not capable of proper love in the normal sense of parenting. Love for them is about power, control, tokenism, ownership, symbolic parenting. It's deeply saddening.

[@jacquisansom]

Hi Odette - I agree that it is a deeply saddening situation but this arises because love is a subjective thing which shows up in the parenting relationship as control, tokenism, ownership, symbolic parenting which skews the perception of a healthy "normal sense of parenting " kind of love. I see this play out on a daily basis both on a personal and professional basis with narcissists who argue they do love their children passionately but sadly their uninformed and usually misinformed perception of a healthy "normal sense of parenting " kind of love is all they know and understand and therefore the division and disconnection starts. It doesn't make it right it just makes it what it is and it is a matter for the other parent or the adult child to put boundaries in place to protect the child or themselves if the other parent is/was not able to do that to protect the child. Please know that I was not laughing or ridiculing the powerful response that Richard when I laughed and what you do not see on the video was Richard's facial response to the question posed. ...hope that provides clarity

[@odette8905]

@@jacquisansom Thank you. I do understand your reply and agree with what you've said. The NPD's 'love' is terribly damaged and is about self interest, not the interests of the child. This has been a great interview piece- I'm intrigued to know how much you feel the law arena gets this stuff? And why children are still encouraged to have parental contact with an NPD parent when it's so dangerous and damaging?

[@The63chicky]

As a daughter of a mother with NPD, I would also challenge that. There is nothing my mother has ever done, that I would say showed anything remotely of "love". True love doesn't hurt people, it isn't selfish and nasty. Ever. I am no contact with her now. So much damage....

[@warrenl4186]

There's no love from a narc. They are not capable of love. Not for us and surely not for their (my) children. The children become trauma bonded just like us! That's not love. I'm just beginning court proceedings (here in Australia) in order to gain appropriate contact with my 10 year old son. His mother (the narc) is running the entire show ATM. She feels so powerful denying me access to our son. Using him like a pawn in a game of chess. Poor kid. He knows she is doing this. But the trauma bond she is creating with him is powerful and he doesn't want to upset her by telling her his truth. The legal system in relation to child health and safety is defective when it comes to narcissistic mother's in particular. Kind regards Warren

[@odette8905]

@@warrenl4186 Hang in there. If your son is already noticing the control, your more balanced parenting will be a secure base for him. You'll have parental rights for contact?