Covert Narcissists COUNTER-PARENT Instead of Co-Parent

[@RossRosenberg]

🤗 Unlock the ultimate support group today: www.patreon.com/RossRosenbergSLRI

[@bridget1873]

They do worse than counter-parent. They turn your children against you, causing enormous damage to the parent-child relationship, as well as the child himself/herself.

[@jillkutzlerjensen9971]

I understand what you are saying 100% it's disgusting!

[@otaku4Gaijin]

I have seen this with my mentor's ex-wife and his two oldest sons who are about my age. They both live in fear of their mom, acknowledge it, and the middle son still disparages while speaking respectfully of his father. Talk about cognitive dissonance. In other words, proof of their mother's brainwashing.

[@Somebodysomewheresometime]

Yes been alienated from kids for 3 years now. I was a stay at home and raised them 90% alone as he traveled. We were “best friends” they used to tell me. The light slowly began to dim from their eyes the more time they spent with him until they both turned against me saying the same things he’d say to me. I never imagined this would happen. They witnessed him hurting me physically, not paying child support etc. it blows my mind and heart. I moved away to salvage the rest of my life and get far away from him and his monkeys

[@bridget1873]

@@Somebodysomewheresometime I know your heart is broken, mine too. But never ever give up. I pray every day for my kids, and God is faithful. My son actually called me a couple of weeks ago and he has grown so much. Six years ago he wanted me dead, but now he's figuring things out about his dad. One of my daughters will text with me but the other two won't talk to me at all (for now.) There have been times over the past 6 years when it was too painful to even think about my kids, let alone pray, but my son's recent return has given me hope again. Never, ever give up. At the very least, pray for them - they need you to do that. Because of the pain and betrayal I moved away, too. I also needed to figure things out. My counselor told me, "Just like you went through your journey, let them go through theirs." I'll pray for you, too. Hugs.

[@jillkutzlerjensen9971]

@@Somebodysomewheresometime I am going through the same thing. My boys hate me and everything they say to me I can hear their father. I work 2 jobs while their Dad stays home drinking all day. They hate me for leaving and don't want me in their life. It's so maddening

[@invisiblecollege893]

What I’ve learned is therapists and professionals are no match themselves over short periods with covert narcissists. They will actually make them smarter, validate the narcissist & actually damage the real victim with further invalidation

[@KatWoodland]

Yep

[@karencastoldi1291]

Yes, that happened to me too. We stopped going to that therapist for 11 years. And then when I separated, I went back to her and told her how he had left me in the hospital for two days and told our boys that they didn’t need to contact me. That therapist then said, “oh my gosh, I have made a mistake. I believe your husband may be a covert narcissist, and he manipulated me too.

[@manuela6422]

Però se ne cerchi e trovi di davvero competenti, fondatori di scuole, docenti e supervisori smascherano il covert e pure i terapisti incapaci.

[@thewanderer6637]

Happened to me.

[@thepaintedpoppies1010]

And what is even worse is when your covert narcissist parent IS the therapist.

[@peterdubyoski4622]

It's nice to identify and hear validation of what we learned the hard way.

[@MILEYANDJACOBSHOW]

after reviewing some of these videos it really helped me disassociate myself somewhat of the trauma i faced and continue to face. Having an understanding of narcassistic patterns help you not take it as personal knowing its just word salad meant to get to you.

[@Lenoxygen]

I fell in love with a narcissist and now I love everyone but her.

[@tannwich5350]

@@Lenoxygen Lol Lucky you if you don't see her in other people like her.

[@proudamerican2133]

When I divorced the narc after 30 years of emotional abuse gaslighting etcetera it took like 1 minute for my attorney and for the mediator to see right through his crap both of them said after dealing with him for 5 minutes they had no idea how I did it as long as I did with him and what a shame that my son can't see it but as soon as he knew that I could see through him and I knew what his game was he went on a scorched Earth campaign to put a wedge between my son and I and now he lives closer to him and he has everybody separated so he can come up with whatever crap he wants and defile me and my name and come up with whatever horrible lies he wants to against me and I have no way to defend myself and the only thing I can do is hand it up to God who sees all of it who knows all of it who knows how evil this person is and I just have to let him take care of it and trust in the end my son's eyes will open or at least my daughter-in-law's will with her being on the outside. I have more hope for her being able to see what's going on than I do for my son sadly.

[@Rowganlife]

its kinda nuts

[@erikaxchristine]

The worst heartbreak I have ever been through.. truly scary that someone could have that much of an effect on me. Still working on my healing all these years later 💜

[@maryholm5839]

I lived with one for 11 months..My sisters friend, known her since she was 12..this is what happened to me. She outright told me I was I was not the person she thought I was. I had set boundaries as what I would tolerate, not to be her work horse. So much more.

[@ktwhimsy6946]

Same here. It’s been nearly 4 years since my ex has been out of my life, and I still don’t even want to think about dating… I feel that if someone I thought I knew/lived with for 7 years could turn out to be so covertly manipulative & abusive, it’s difficult to once again trust my intuition. Even though I’ve learned so much and having been working on healing my own trauma, I’m still too afraid to risk losing the peace I’ve cultivated in my (and my kids) life… he was a part of my kids lives from ages 3/4 - 10/11 and he left without so much as a goodbye to them & acted liked they were somehow culpable for some of our relationship “problems” …. A grown man holding resentment, especially one that is controlling & abusive, towards small children because he is threatened by the men they will eventually become..,, well that is scary thing! And that is just the tip of the iceberg… It is awful that so many people have experienced similar, but I’m also very thankful to know I’m not the only one, I still watch these videos to remind myself it was real…

[@DTHRILLS.DANIEL.THRILLRIDETV]

Me too unreal how it was all a lie

[@jenniferfrazier8131]

Can’t imagine the money spent.

[@anne-vl7qf]

Me too ❤ be strong and know that if you are still it all works out. I’m 70, had a large family and divorced my husband, their father. They eventually work things out themselves ❤bless you 🙏

[@7BDani]

You just described the last 30 years of my life with chilling accuracy. Brought me to tears. I don’t know where to go from here. But thank you, I’m not crazy and apparently no alone. ❤

[@RondaGoldenArts]

You’re not alone Narcissism is becoming a pandemic in our societies

[@tmosest]

Same you’re not alone…

[@hfjjor3681]

Read the book “Why Does He Do That?” to help strengthen you as you heal. Made a difference to me and kept me strong in the face of his manipulation when I finally, permanently left him after 25 years of marriage.

[@zoechartier]

I m 30 too and just started really understanding wth is happening to me and has happened to me all my life. You're not alone, all this is so crazy... Seek help from a therapist, EMDR is actually helping me (but the hard way have to admit but worth the try) You're not alone, there's so many of us and this explains a lot about humanity when you think of it, about "human nature"

[@hfjjor3681]

@@zoechartier Women’s shelters are also familiar with this book. It was a women’s domestic abuse center director who finally helped me realize my problem was an emotionally abusive, manipulative spouse - not me. I’d become a frightened almost zombie like shadow of my former self because I bought my spouse’s “wisdom” (hook, line and sinker) that I had chronic, intractable psychiatric problems, and that’s why we had marriage problems. Took about 4 years to recover from what had happened to my thinking. Therapy and support group(s) are essential to the path out. Left him in 2015. I’m 63 now. Only now do I finally feel like I want to and can handle dating again.

[@delightdesignsusa6728]

Great information! Thank you. Being married to the covert narc is isolating and lonely. The saddest part is watching your children long and strive for the love they will never get from that parent. And, the damage it has done to them in trying to form their own love relationships. They were raised to believe that love is conditional and it destroyed their self worth. Wish I had known years ago, that my entire relationship with their father was fake and nothing but lies and manipulation.

[@gethelp6271]

What were you up to while they were being raised this way? You write as if you were not there or you were there and did nothing but watch it happen. Now you're playing innocent as if you had nothing to do with it.

[@wasntme3651]

@@michignamymichigan Nice name, Yooper here eh!

[@wasntme3651]

@@michignamymichigan It’s not bad. You can see it some days more than others but no problems breathing or anything like that. We just had some real hot weather today.

[@ilsevanheerden4976]

At least you can see the damage it has done to your kids. Some mothers are so horrible that they DENY their kids were hurt in any way. Truly evil.

[@anne-vl7qf]

Same here. Never blame yourself 🙏

[@SoulCentredAlignment]

my ex husband who i separated from 6 years ago, is still awful to deal with 6 years on.... co parenting doesn't exist.... its all about him sabotaging anything.... he sees parenting as a competition against me

[@FirstNameLastName-wt5to]

Yes. Every conversation is a game to them. A game they must win. Genuine conversation is impossible. So any time a decision has to be made, they will be against you. Never for the children.

[@lyricsoftheart]

Right it’s never about the children. Dealing with that now…

[@SimpleTexasMama]

Ugh. I feel this! Daughter is 10 and 8 years later divorced he is STILL trying everything in his power to take control. I am at a loss. People say oh, he’ll stop. No, he will not. Ugh! Stay strong mama!! You got this ❤️❤️❤️❤️

[@SoulCentredAlignment]

@@SimpleTexasMamamy youngest was 2 also when we split. I hear you. It’s hard. Best thing I’ve found is being completely boring & only Reply if and when absolutely necessary and never react to what they say or do. They crave attention to feel validated or important… they are the most vile creatures

[@SoulCentredAlignment]

@@lyricsoftheart100💯 never about what’s best for the kids. Always about what is for them!

[@kiddynamite3931]

As soon as I realized my father was a narcissist sociopath, he took all my money, completely stopped speaking to me, and has never acknowledged his grandchildren. The damage is horrific

[@alevela9309]

That's my father too, except for the money part. All but doesn't talk to me. Too busy he says but has lots of friends and takes vacations. Completely ignores he has a grand child. But adores his golden child daughter, my half-sister.

[@kiddynamite3931]

@@alevela9309 It takes a toll. I wish there was a "but"

[@ZLLi661]

My father has been like this growing up so as an adult like this it was no surprise. I did keep trying after my kids were born but obviously if your grandchildren’s existence isn’t a reason itself to want to visit and get to know them, then you don’t freaking deserve the privilege of not just being a parent but also acknowledged as a grandparent. The difference between my kids abusive grandmother on their fathers side as opposed to their abuser grandfather on my side, is that grandma always wanted to see them and spend time with them, especially in her last 10 years and she stopped her Markt snide comments with me- though I minimized opportunity anyway. However their abusive grandfather would be polite at least to my son my eldest daughter, his 1st granddaughter once she turned 18 became misogynistic and abusive to her. She stood up to him visited her beloved Nana one more time then stopped. She is 28 now. Her Nana died 2 years ago and she’s only seen her grandfather once at her Nanas funeral. But avoided him. Like I avoided him. He was extremely abusive to my dying mother and me as I helped care for her. He unequivocally hastened her death by preventing her fleeing and resting during the day until she was hospitalized. When he threatened me I could not see my dying mother if I didn’t stop ‘my ad attitude’, ie deflecting his abuse away from my mother then finally standing up to him. That was about 4 days before Mum went into hospital. His level of depravity and cruelty had hit as low and perverted as every twisted pedophile, rapist, child abuser and domestic violence perpetrator I had had to deal with in a job I did for 17 yrs. I was embarrassed that I am related but in reality he’s the one who should have his venom he has spat at everyone and his disgraceful actions and behavior shoved back down his own throat and choke on it. I’m done.

[@CasaOsso]

Same here. Solution anyone?

[@Ann-eb8dp]

My grand children saw my ex one day when they and he were visiting The eldest grandson wanted to know who he was after he left We explained he was his grandfather My grandson just said " l don't like him ," My ex had always been completely self centred and violent when we lived with him I thought my grandson was very perceptive

[@SteeleMagnolia]

I removed the mask from my ex, and what a horrible smear campaign that followed. He seems to define his worth by the amazing sons that I raised, despite his poor parenting style. They were school age when we divorced, and I was the parent that was there for every event in their lives, loving and living by example. My four sons are super intelligent, with one a recent graduate of aerospace engineering.

[@janathena7164]

This perfectly describes my Covert Narcissist Ex-husband. I knew that divorce was going to be hellacious, which is why the first thing I did was to buy an affordable house next to my children's school & my children & I moved out of the family home. Initially, he was "giddy" that he no longer needed to parent & could have drunken poker parties any night of the week (without my complaining). I could actually tell when he met with his "family law" attorney (misnomer) & was told about the parenting-time laws pertaining to child support in our state. Parenting time is defined as any day the child/children spends the night with that parent. So all of the sudden, the Covert Narc was picking up our middle school aged children 3 weekday nights a week between 9:00 pm and 10:00 pm, so that they were only sleeping at his house. In his mind, we were parenting equally according to the law & he would then not owe any child support to me. My lawyer had me keep a log to record this behavior. 5 months after we separated, I went to the courthouse with 3 years worth of our combined tax returns & filed for child support (in an effort to bypass having a lawyer involved). He & his attorney then countered by filing for divorce because divorce "trumps" a child support finding in my state. Divorce was a nightmarish experience in & out of the courtroom that lasted over 3 years. With the judge's urging, I sued him at the end for non-cooperation & the divorce judge awarded me a large settlement to cover some of my divorce fees. Of course, he did some other dastardly highjinks pertaining to child support after the divorce, which required me to re-hire my family law attorney & eventually garnish his wages to insure that he couldn't play that game again. I celebrated when my children turned 18!!!

[@Questionablexfun]

I feel your pain.

[@rkl3692]

I'm in the exact boat... awaiting divorce.

[@GUCC1197]

💗

[@pjt3887]

I hit $20,890 to get a legal separation and parenting plan. The family court system is a complete joke when it comes to recognizing emonal abuse. Cover narcissist never follow the parenting plan and court orders.

[@LanaMcAra]

Exactly why I didn't leave him until my youngest son was 18. Still turned my children against me but at least we didn't have to go through the horrors of court.

[@willmiddleton7653]

The saddest part is watching your child suffer because of this. Yeah it sucks dealing with someone like this personally but the negative way it affects your child is traumatizing and there is nothing you can do.

[@jadedempath7453]

I've been married 14 years. We've had 5 children. Oldest is 11 years old youngest is 1 year old. Now that my 11 year old is old enough to express herself, I realize just how terribly he has impacted their lives. I do not want him to ruin the younger 3 like he did our oldest 2. I'm 100% dependant on him financially even tho, I worked for the first half of our marriage. I paid off all his tickets, all his fines, all his debt, purchased all of our vehicles, our house and land, and paid a lawyer 10,000 cash to keep him out of jail (to serve house arrest) so that he wouldn't miss our first child being born. After that I started being a stay at home mom, and have sense then. Now he owns his own company and is doing very well for himself. I hate to walk out of our marriage and miss ALL the fruits of my labor getting him to this point... but staying just isn't worth it if he doesn't start trying to improve which I know is slim chance

[@willmiddleton7653]

@@jadedempath7453 It's incredibly hard to get out of relationships like this. The longer you stay the harder it is. I knew that if I was going to leave I'd have to get out before my daughter turned 4 because that's around when they start to remember things long term. I had a house that was paid for and my financial future was secured but ultimately the well being of yourself and your kids is far more important. I'll be praying for you.

[@WhatTheEffIsReallyGoingOn]

Exactly... Ive taken soooo much bullshit from my narc. He said he didnt care about his child for the 1st time a lil while back. Thst was my bullshit limit. That unalived that final little thread of care i had left... Im out

[@franco2b145]

Different strokes for different folks….My hill to die on was rescuing the children by any means necessary! He took me to court citing child abuse and neglect. Thank God I had a judge that saw right through him. I was awarded full custody of the children (..him one ☝🏾 single day visitation from 1-5).. Still that was too much because I know with out a doubt, that had his handler a.k.a. his smother, given the word.. he would’ve killed them to get to me, that’s how much these people hated my guts. So I set about devising a plan to remove the kids out of his reach. I sold my home under the cover of night ( so to speak). No signs outside, internet only, private showings etc. Sold in a week, closed in three.. Look at God!! I said to hell with child support, it wasn’t like we were going to see the money anyway, let him keep his dirty money! Let me tell you something, when man closes the door, God open windows! I said to hell with a visitation order, to heck with the “stay in the state” order and I disappeared with those kids, moved states!! Yes, it’s possible to win if you FAINT not! The children are happy again! Just graduated HS & attending University, they have good friends, they KNOW how to love, feel and reciprocate the same. This was the hill on which I was dying!! Leave no children behind! We are free, so can you! Thank you Lord! 🙌🏾

[@measlesplease1266]

You could have chose a better partner. Learn for next time. In the next life.

[@jburton8594]

So tragic to grow up being used by a covert narc and believing they love you because you just can't comprehend their sickness. Took me until after my mother literally defrauded me to see that she was truly incapable of real reciprocating love. About 49 years of delusion and damage first.

[@gigievans395]

I'm in it right now 😭

[@jimig399]

I'm so sorry you had to go thru this. I've been trying to get thru to my children for 8 years now. Their mother has brainwashed them and manipulated them. She is such a skillful and heartless liar. I imagine you can relate to that? I've been trying to save my kids from this fate for 8 years and I can't get thru to them. Everything I do she somehow puts a negative and sinister twist on to make my efforts appear to be spiteful or vindictive. I'm a dad trying to rescue my kids from lair of a monster and no one understands. Maybe you do. Is there anything you could tell your younger self that might have made you open your eyes sooner so you could cut some years from the learning curve for yourself? Is there anything you could say to someone else suffering similarly to clear the fog from their brain for a minute? She has programmed my son so thoroughly that he parrots the same words that she does. He's so full of anger and hostility for things that I had nothing to do with. She did all of it. And she has prepared them for my counter accusations so they simply dismiss my attempts to tell the entire story. They reject anything and everything that she has not prepared them in advance for and they run away. Its exhausting trying to gain any ground. I've tried so many things with them. I'm ready to give up forever. This battle is taking the life from me. I want to do right by them before I die. It's all I care about. They will be destitute and alone after she dies. She has prepared them for nothing. It's such a sad story I can't believe it's mine. My son and I were sympatico before she did this. I would tell people the thing I valued most in my life was my relationship with my son. It was true. She went for the thing I valued most and didn't care how it affected him. He's changed dramatically. I'm afraid he's going to hurt people.

[@stargazer7341]

​@gigievans395 get as much information as you can online from such professionals & empower yourself with as much knowledge as you need to regain your sanity & strength to move onto a better life of peace, love, joy, prosperity & especially good health being surrounded by people who will build you up & not destroy you in the name of "love". These people have an infantile mind & it's extremely difficult to speak to them as a logical adult as their "wiring" is so broken. I pray you will come through all this safe & at peace.

[@SLS64]

Same.49 yrs of betrayal from my mother until I chose myself and walked away.

[@jessicahimmel7867]

Same here.

[@khadijahnyabinghi]

The Jekyll and Hyde character that the covert Narcissist parent is.

[@ScorpionMaiden75]

I thought I was the only one who saw that kind of behavior out of co-parenting. I hope all goes well for you and your family. 💜💕🦋🔥👑🔥🦋💕💜

[@Ladida386]

I'm really glad that we are now openly talking about this problem. This means that people are more and more aware of people like this.

[@Schquirl]

😭 just started this video and I can't stop crying right off the bat because it's exactly what happened in my relationship with my daughter. He ruined it because of the control. All those years of damage. I'm trying not to be really angry right now. I never even thought about how he counter addicted everything I did and that it was counterparenting and not co-parenting and it makes perfect sense they didn't realize it. I've beaten myself up because of being so submissive like a doormat just being walked on by everybody.

[@amberc3728]

❤

[@mikedenmark]

I feel your pain😔 I'm living it as well! Even though I just received full custody, it's seems as if it's to late. My ex wife has succeeded in turning the children against me and they are now loyal only to her. Even though the authorities took them away from her ( and me), they can't fully control the amount of manipulation she exerts on them through the social media platforms, and so she essentially has full access to them. She is wearing the kids down on a daily basis, undermining not only my relationship with them, but also all the work done by the hardworking caretakers, the struggling psychiatric personnel, the poor social welfare workers and the hopeful but decisive authorities. The woman throws everyone under the bus, while telling the children that she is the only one that has the solutions to their suffering, and all without the slightest regard for the impact it has on the them as human beings. The amount of selfishness and egotistical behaviour she projects is staggering to bear witness to, and at present I'm getting close to being at the end of my rope as to what I have to do to save not only my beloved children, but indeed also my own life, sanity and dignity 🤦‍♂️😥

[@robynedward125]

Mike your not alone I'm going through this as well. 6 yrs of hell stuck in shared there's no parenting. Your not alone I'm deeply sorry you're going through this as well. In my case I'm dealing with malignant and grandiose sociopath all of the above when I get 3k to go back to court to fight full custody I'm going for it there's so much he continues to do. It's very heart breaking what they do. They play games in court and want to inflict pain out of vingience in spite it's very sad they don't what's best our system where I live Montreal 💔 it's deeply flawed they don't understand they continue the abuse. I completely understand what you're going through over 5 yrs of counseling.

[@mystrength5640]

This is exactly what my husband has done in our marriage… ! He’s put us into a TRIANGULATION! With an only Child.. He’ can’t see the severe HARM he’s done to our Child… Our lives are messed up… His BEST and Favourite words ARE “ I don’t Care! “ Outsiders See and BELIEVE he’s Perfect! His lies are Devastating!

[@amberc3728]

❤

[@mahnamahna3252]

I'm so sorry I hope that you'll be able to prevent alienation from your child

[@readaspringer]

😢

[@danacodres]

Same hier..

[@mystrength5640]

@@danacodres Soo Sorry! 💐

[@bpassion4fashion581]

20 years with a psychopath / antisocial personality disordered. Took me 10 years to get him out of living in my living room bc his mental/ psychological manipulation was at another level combined with my tolerance for pain and abuse. I have a 12 year old boy with him and his version of parenting is a FaceTime call once in a while, while I do all the physical work. We used to talk in a “ Friendly” manner and sometimes go to the movies together, but he stopped talking to me bc I went away on vacation without telling him and left him with his son. That’s when I realized that he still wanted to control my life. Even though I need the financial help badly and he won’t give it, I am so glad that he doesn’t talk to me and that he doesn’t move a finger to spent time with his son. In his eyes he “ discarded me” and I am so okay with that. Sometimes I consider taking him to court for child support, but I know his level of deception and malingering, so why entangle myself with the devil for Pennies! I rather find a way to finish raising my son than to loose more of my energy and peace of mind. I rather pretend that he die. What I did learned is that he was hovering over me and still keeping me around after the break up in case he needed me for something. I was still driving him around and making his life easy now that he is much older and his back hurts. Prior to that, he used me for free shelter, free car, free credit, free everything! So yes!… psychopaths always want something from you. Their abuse is similar to any other type of narcissist out there with the addition that sociopaths can control their emotions; you won’t see a psychopath loose their temper. They are cold and calculated and that makes them so much more dangerous. Wishing everyone here healing ❤

[@RondaGoldenArts]

Valuable information Thanks so much Dealing with a covert narcissist is too risky. They are sneaky and unpredictable unlike grandiose narcissist God help us all dealing with these monsters

[@geraldnykamp]

Thanks Ross, this describes my situation exactly. I was a codependent a well. I am learning to love my true self again, the gaslighting and silent treatment drove me to be someone I didn't like or want to be. I can't believe this is actually happening even though it did .

[@kimberleyh1946]

He was doing opposite of what was good for our kids. He experimented with what would hurt them, and torment me knowing I wouldn't be believed because he was a research psychologist, & he knew how to make people think I was crazy (gaslit). I lost everything but my work. The girls suffered so, & now he has found spirituality that dictates that the past is over (yes) and that all is forgiven (no, he can't be trusted). I divorced him. noone believed me. This is so much about what happened. Thank you. I still don't know what to do, he's hurt us all. And he is becoming popular again. He kept them from me, called me dangerous. It's been years, & I still don't reel safe for them, or for me. people's lives are just a game to him. I will follow more programs, maybe there's something that will help. You are spot on.

[@fm1224]

🙏🙏🙏

[@Sarah-xh1tq]

I am with a covert and we have a 5 year old. He gets her upset by arguing with her. Then yells at her and tries to get her away from him and at that point, she won't leave him alone. He'll yell and tell me calm her down. That's impossible at that point. I don't react in anger anymore. When I did he would immediately stop yelling and calm her down. Now I try to remain calm and ignore all the insults he says. I've been gaslight my whole life. I am trying to save money by doing online classes to earn my bachelor in accounting. I'm not telling the covert narcissist about school. One day at a time.

[@amberc3728]

❤

[@fm1224]

🙏🙏🙏

[@LovelyAndTrue]

I have a 5 year old too. I had to plan my own escape from my husband, hide my plans and finally got out. Now it's on to deal with custody and placement...leaving was the best and hardest thing.

[@helenakurcewiczowna6695]

Very wise

[@realpilBMF]

Wtf. Why are you still in that house ? That man is berating and harassing a 5 year old and permanently damaging her. And you’re talking about online school. STAND UP FOR YOUR CHILD AND STOP BEING A COWARD. File for divorce and get child support ordered by the court. Wtf are you doing ?

[@danellewatson]

I need more information on how to parent my children from their narcissistic father. I have done loads of healing but they have 50% time with him. The lies manipulations , lack of time spent is abusive. I need more tools.

[@myopiniongoodyouropinionbad]

I'm in the same boat. Every week its like a reset.

[@officerfarva3666]

I’ve disconnected from my oldest kids because of this alienation and brainwashing from their narc father. He destroyed any hope of a healthy relationship with them. They’re convinced I’m dumb, unsafe, selfish, unloving etc. It is the opposite. I’ve been floored at how obvious he’s been and yet few people actually see him for what he is.

[@MJ-qb5ph]

I went through this with my entire nsrcisstic family cult - it is insane isn’t it?

[@sandrathomas2893]

Because it's spiritual. You're in a spiritual war for your soul.

[@MJ-qb5ph]

@@sandrathomas2893 well they did not get it - the opposite - but it almost cost me my life and took years to achieve

[@makelifematter1896]

I raised my step sons doing what was right always but their father soon to be X after 30yrs. would always have me be the bad guy and he would never ever make them follow rules he taught them how to cheat how to lie and him and his family tried to turn them against me with lies but thank God I have letters and cards they gave me telling a whole nother story...truth will always prevail stand strong and never let a Narcissistic try and belittle and destroy you!! Everything your hearing on this video is spot on

[@tinamarzullo8868]

Oh I forgot to mention his family covers for him and help him try to destroy me financially, emotionally, financially all because I figured it out.

[@icytimboslyce7939]

Fricking witchcraft narc mother gang stalkers are THE worst

[@KarenMazola]

So identifiable

[@flaggontheplay4666]

I know about that too…sending you healing loving vibes ❤

[@MaybeLikeWater]

I am going through the exact same thing, it’s been 9 years and they ruined me.

[@MaybeLikeWater]

@@icytimboslyce7939Same again! Why is this so common and most important why is it so hard for us to get real actionable advice instead of information, ad naseum, about the motivations of the Narcissist, it just reinforces how helpless we are against this evil. If anyone knows of a network of attorneys and psychologists who have legit experience and offer legit advice, please share.

[@johnk4451]

They turn you against yourself.

[@jackierios2723]

Damn this comment hit home

[@concious.co-parent16]

They try. please continue to befriend yourself bit by bit. That inner critic is just a version of your narc. It's not you.

[@crystalaustralia]

​@user-bn8kq6iz7b thank you

[@fresa6168]

🤣😂👏🏽👏🏽

[@clairelicciardo6198]

No wayyyyy

[@autumnyates8151]

I have BPD, I am aware of my current toxic mindsets and behaviors. For me, I am struggling the most with regulation. I blow up, i cant handle my stress in a healthy way. I get so physically/mentally overwhelmed that i implode. My heart beats fast, i have impulse control issues. Often times, I end up taking these emotions out on those around me, and I know it's not okay. I see how it has affected my partner, and continues to and i feel so lost right now. I dont WANT to be this way. I'm pretty sure my father is a narcisist, or at least he has been very absent in my life and a majority of my mental issue stem from him as the source. I'm in the process of doing some inner work to heal some of my childhood wounds. I know that I have hurt people, and sometimes I struggle with cognitive empathy. This is also something I've become very aware of and it makes me feel fucking broken bc where there should be empathy there is nothing. For someone who is aware that this is wrong, it's very confusing and frustrating. The drive to heal and be healthy and functional is there, I am just really struggling with finding ways to actually calm myself down so I can process my emotions and figure out where the source of a trigger is. I'm having trouble getting past this hump. Do you have any suggestions? My father is a trauma therapist now which I find ironic. I tried to have a conversation with him about how some of his behaviors and interactions have affected me, things I have carried with me into adulthood. His response was flipping it onto me, without taking accountability and blaming me for me behavior..completely denying and ignoring the fact that the way he raised me is why I'm as fucked up mentally as I am. And even as an adult he continues to not take me or my emotions seriously. I just feel like a fucked up, broken and damaged human and it sucks having to process this without his acknowledgement but I also can't force him to see how he has hurt me. Thats a choice.

[@clairemcilroy2920]

My mother is a covert narcissist who abused me for 42 years until I figured her out and went nocontact. We haven't spoken to each other for just under 2 years. I was gas lighted so much growing up that I lost my sanity when I was seventeen and ended up on a psychiatric hospital ward sectioned for six months. She has told me lies all through my life and I've been betrayed and lied to almost every day. She made me depressed and isolated me for a long while. I'm now healing from the abuse I endured throughout my life and I'm coping best I can. Having the breakdown at 17 yrs old left me suffering with bipolar disorder. My mum discarded me at 42yrs old and to be honest it's the best thing she could have ever ✔️ done. It was very painful at first but looking back it was a blessing and I now feel free without her in my life. I don't mean to sound awful but I'll be glad when she passes because she has made me suffer so much that the abuse almost killed me. I can never forgive her for her actions. My story goes alot deeper and next year I plan to write my story and hopefully I will get it published if everything goes to plan. Thank-you for another inspirational speech Ross Rosenburg I admire your work and your speeches God bless you 🙏. Xxx

[@jennasparks8935]

Keep your head up. I went through a similar situation with my mom. 6 years no contact and still healing. But forgiving her is essential and is a gift to yourself, not her. It's the next step on the healing journey and complete freedom 💖

[@fm1224]

Wow 🙏

[@teresagunter2988]

I don't tell people that I was relieved when my mom died. I felt terrible that I couldn't stop smiling at her funeral. My mother was miserable, tortured, fueled by anger, manipulation, and lies. To explain my joy at her passing, I said that she was sick for a long time and now she isn't suffering any more (on this earth, anyway). People never ask for details. They wouldn't belive me anyway. She died 15 years ago. I pray for her soul now. As a counselor, I have learned a lot about trauma and that this behavior is the result of terrible trauma in childhood. I have forgiven her(on most days) not because she deserves it, but because I deserve the peace that comes with forgiveness.

[@y04a]

Do you think it's possible to forgive my mom (likely covert narc) and be no contact? My mind is saying, if I forgive her, why wouldn't I let her in my life? But I don't think I can forgive her and have her in my life at the same time because she still doesn't acknowledge what she put me through, or show me the love that I feel would make up for it. Maybe I can forgive her, but only from a distance. Is that still real forgiveness? Thanks for your thoughts ​@@jennasparks8935

[@betsyfortenberry8964]

Thank you Ross. Coming to grips with the fact that my covert narcissist ex actually has sociopathic tendencies after watching this. I never realized this before. My daughter told me and her therapist (as an adult) that my ex would tell her very long fairy tails in which he was the good king and I was the evil witch. He would save the princess and I would die in the end. He also falsified his income by several thousand dollars per month during the divorce process (which I have documented proof of) My very experienced divorce attorney told the judge she has never seen it this blatant or provable. If I am being honest with myself, these are sociopathic tendencies. I guess I didn't want to acknowledge it before. He also had voyeuristic tendencies spying on me while I changed and taking photos of me without my knowledge. It's interesting that it took me this long to acknowledge the depth of how disturbed all of this behavior really is or that I tried to make it work with him as long as I did (20 years) Although to be fair, he successfully hid most of this until near the end. These are some heavy realizations.

[@spiritofhonuguidanceforlife]

I began my spiritual journey after being discarded by a covert narc. One of the first things mirrored back to me was my own narcissistic traits. After being on this journey for 5 years now, I believe we are dealing with a spirit of narcissism, a spiritual attachment. This spirit attaches to people who have childhood trauma who live through their ego and are disconnected from their soul. That being said, I 100% believe a narcissist can truly heal if they become self aware and use their free will to heal and make healthier choices. I healed. And I believe in the power of unconditional love. It's a journey. So now when I deal with narcs, I know how to protect my energy by having healthy boundries, but I still choose to love them unconditionally with the understanding that this is their journey and everyone deserves the chance to heal and grow. Narcissism doesn't have to be a life sentence, for the victim or the narc.

[@samanthachildress1091]

❤ lovely comment

[@aneesatheron5091]

Beautifully stated, I can relate. I too displayed narcissistic traits many times during my 18y marriage and 23y relationship in total. I only discovered my ex was a CN, after my decision to consciously uncouple from our marriage. I am learning to not only set boundaries but keep to them. I have parted amicably and have no resentment, anger or hatred as I learned the journey back home to the truest most authentic expression of myself. There are gifts, in every relationship even narcissistic ones.

[@sandrathomas2893]

Spirit of pride They won't humble themselves to find honesty. There's no truth in them.

[@spiritofhonuguidanceforlife]

@@sandrathomas2893 If you believe in God, then by default you should believe that His truth is in everyone and everyone has the ability to be healed through Him.

[@nagammahill7886]

It is great to hear of someone who believes that healing for a narcissist is possible. With God all things are possible. As long as there is life, there is always hope!

[@karlabritfeld7104]

My narcissistic mom turned me and my siblings against my dad for years and years. It took therapy for me to discover that it was all about her competitiveness wanting to appear as the good parent. And yes she had NO friends. None. Everyone thought she was so cute and lovable but she really had nothing good to say about anyone.

[@esmeblair2625]

My son is married to a covert narcissist. After being told there would be no children, she suddenly fell pregnant after he tried to divorce her. They now have a son. He is the primary caregiver, we are completely isolated as the parents in law and grandparents. What advice can you give me to help my son as this will have no longetivity

[@heatherblack8311]

omg this may mean we are related this was also my mother. saying mean stuff always then acting teehee cute i didn’t even understand it when i was little, it was like she was mean nice. she turned us against the person who didn’t give her attention. our dad. she had us for his attention and im sure he hated her for it. then she used us to hurt him. it was all such a fake with human dolls. i was 1 of 4 daughters. she totally played “house” with us. im sorry. your not alone. i have no relationship with my siblings because everyone is so mean and hateful but keep going and stay no contact. it’s not selfish. it’s actually life saving.

[@windysmith7367]

Exactly

[@marthamoreno1539]

Man so true! I just went through the 730 evaluation and he completely smeared me lied and I proved the lies and I came out looking bad. I can’t believe what just happened, the evaluator believed all the lies. It’s crazy dealing with these people and how easily they can fool people.

[@SoulCentredAlignment]

yes they are highly dangerous people !!!

[@Questionablexfun]

Agreed. They’re excellent and playing victim and fooling people into seeing you as the bad guy.. they have to experience it to see the covert part

[@nickel7065]

That's my ex wife. I had screenshots of her trying to initiate an affair and her communication with her intended AP from after she agreed to stop and she still denied it. I had proof of her intentions to use me as an ATM and I had proof of her buying and using illegal substances. In the family court they believed her lies about me lying even though I had proof of every single statement I made. They simply chose not to look at the evidence and chose to believe her smearing of me. That's incredibly frustrating.

[@BilderbergCEO]

Same here. When my kids talked to the evaluator, they literally had cheat sheets written in the mother's handwriting, and they still didn't think the mother was manipulating them.

[@marthamoreno1539]

@@nickel7065 I’m sorry you experienced the same thing! It’s incredibly frustrating but now after this I realize that our testimony is actually more powerful than evidence. I think because we are so used to feeling like no one will believe us that we go gather evidence and are so focused on proving it that we fail to just tell our story. I heard from another woman on you tube that about 90% of evidence is never looked at. I learned a lot, being present and just speaking from the heart could be the best thing we can do. My therapist said we emote which makes sense now. Thought and emotion transference. I believe God will sort out our situations but we must let go and leave it to him. The Lord says revenge is mine. I’ve seen people get away for a while and then it catches up to them at some point. It’s best to just live our best life. The smearing perhaps has made me even stronger. I’ve come to a point of indifference, only a handful of people will hear the smear campaign the rest of the world is free to know the real you. It taught me to never let anyone define who I am, I and God can define me and thats it. 💖 only you and God knows who you are, the people who love you know who you are and don’t ever let anyone try to convince you, you are someone else.

[@kimberlymccracken747]

Unfortunately, I finally "outed" my CN Mom - Doris Day/Cruella DeVille a few years ago. The fallout was awful. But, at least now I know for sure who/what she is. No one else believes me. 🤷‍♀️

[@thewanderer6637]

"No one believes me" That, I find the most devastating for me in my marriage of 37 years. Happy for you. Freedom, at last.

[@DelphineTheWorstBladeEver]

I believe you, Kim. I had an evil mother, too.

[@kimberlymccracken747]

​​@@thewanderer6637 But, we made it out alive thankfully 🎉❤🙏

[@kimberlymccracken747]

​@DelphineTheWorstBladeEverSo sorry to hear this - it's so unnatural 🙏🩷⭐

[@SwingingPythons]

Isn’t it funny how they say we are the ones doing this stuff to them. Literally every thing they do to us is exactly what they say we are doing to them.

[@leahparks2466]

Truth.

[@sarahhale-pearson533]

Project, project, project . Maybe they even believe their own shit?

[@katieandnick4113]

Perspective is everything!

[@icytimboslyce7939]

Yeah right the know exactly the atrocities theyve committed and continued to commit

[@anjaligrover4648]

Yes yes yes. They counter parent. They take your children away from you. Just focus on creating a beautiful life for yourself. Kids will suffer and ultimately realize at some point when they are emotionally messed up - adored one minute, abandoned the other, by their narc parent. But you don’t wait for that day. Just love your life and celebrate each moment cos you know the hell you have escaped by getting out of that relationship. Don’t stay in the darkness anymore that your past life tries to cast on your life. Go live in the light.

[@carlacohen1206]

Thank you for saying this. I am moving away in 3 weeks. I lost the custody battle because of his silver tongue. My heart is broken but if I stay i will die .

[@mcs557]

@@carlacohen1206I understand. I had to move out of the country to my home to feel safe. He kept our child away from me which is the saddest thing. For him it’s about control😢

[@robchocek]

Excellent explanation of covert narcissism, Ross. Thank you for all the work you do to inform others on such a insidious disorder that infects so many.

[@nomiz5529]

My experience with the divorce and the CN is that he didn't want any responsibility for these kids and still doesn't. He is in the same town weekly and can't figure out how to spend more than a few hours with them at my house every 6 to 8 weeks.

[@claudipost6163]

It took me a long time to realize that I was in such a bad relationship. Fortunately I was able to educate myself about covert narcissism and prepare my exit. E.g. make an agreement about only communicate on writing about the children and first and foremost focus on building my own self worth trusting my own parenting and few reliable people. Don't fight the narcissist or try to defend yourself. Take ownership over your own actions and words. Don't tell, just show the world who you are at your best. That's the difference between you and "your" narcissist they have no integrity. You have - if you focus on loving yourself ❤️ Wish all who is og have been in this situation the best of luck and love.

[@JuliaRock-o9p]

Mind blowing up here

[@garypuckettmuse]

Think about a rational adult who wants to rob a child of their relationship with one of their parents. Just think about that. Shows right there they don't love the kids at all.

[@Nurturing2]

This is the most accurate description of this dynamic I’ve seen. As soon as I awakened, I was OUT!!! I think my need to fulfill the dream of an in-tact family superseded and SLD symptoms. My leaving was the beginning of my journey to self love. Once I figured out who he was, I didn’t hesitate. I knew who I was and he underestimated me. It took 22 years, but thankfully I broke the cycle. You are spot on. He abandoned our daughters with special needs. After 16 years, I’m preparing for trial. He never reimbursed me for unpaid medical and stopped paying child support in 2018. Today I feel empowered!!! I am looking forward to closing this chapter. The light always shines upon the darkness. Perseverance and gratitude has kept me going. Thanks, Doc for sharing your insight!!! It’s paramount we educate and empower women. ♥️❤️♥️

[@tonifoster1835]

Hi Ross, I don’t know if you will read this but I wanted to say THANK YOU. You basically saved my life… I started watching your vlogs about 7 years go & have read your updated version of The Human Magnate Syndrome. Loved it ! I was raised well, but my father was perfect in our eyes & mum did everything to make his life easier. A happy childhood but one where I think my expectations of marriage were way off. Husband no1, a Overt Narcissist to the tee, dumped me when our second son was 6 weeks old, 1st one 20 months. I married again quickly to a US Army guy for stability, he was a Covert Narcissist too. I didn’t spot it until it was to late, I divorced him after 5 years, some of those years he was physically abusive. Along comes husband no3 my kids karate teacher, lasted many years but a very controlling man who would constantly put me down & stripped my self worth. I divorced him in 2009 amicably and remained single. 2013 - 2016 dated a covert Narcissist who I fell deeply in love with, I tried to rip his mask off so it didn’t work. Heart broken when it was over by me snooping on his face book site as I wasn’t allowed to be his face book friend, which was a huge red flag. I realise I am SLD and have been working very hard to change that. I haven’t dated since but at 58 would love to share my life with someone. I never comment on here but wanted o share my story, that you reached me all the way over to New Zealand & Australia. Thank you so much for your insight into the minds of these impossible dynamics. If you ever offered video chats one on one, I for one would happily pay. HAPPY NEW YEAR Ross. I am happily single but do know I am missing out on the beauty of love. ❤️

[@stephanieveenstra]

You are not alone. I keep repeating that pattern over and over again as well. Although when you are willing to heal that part and change the way you react or think, you will meet people who see that your attachment is healthy, not desperate or codependent anymore. We're in the same boat only I am 10_yrs younger than you buf age says nothing. Good luck to you.

[@tonifoster1835]

@@stephanieveenstraThanks Stephanie, here’s to both of us choosing healthy relationships!

[@hfjjor3681]

What’s SLD?

[@kelseydavis2600]

@@hfjjor3681specific learning disorder

[@Netanya-q4b]

codependent married a borderline, and wow yeah everyone thought I was the abusive narcissistic asshole. I even tried to be one for a while with that "I am whatever you say I am" attitude, but that broke me down even more. Please listen to this man he is speaking truth.

[@DosBear]

I can relate to this. My borderline/narc spouse is/was an early childhood educator and that was even after spending 2 stints in a psychiatric hospital. They chose to diagnose her as bipolar. She appeared to recover & was very capable of getting educated & doing the job but she could not take care of our children so I took on the role and she became the primary bread winner so I absolutely did not want to jeopardize revealing her condition to her employers which happened to be the Government. She eventually completely destroyed our family and me in particular. People with these types of conditions are quite intelligent but have no conscience. They are master manipulators and have no problem lying. That was 11 years ago and only now is it catching up to her as menopause is taking place.

[@taraarrington2285]

Sounds like my mom

[@DosBear]

@@taraarrington2285 Sorry I didn't see this comment until now thanks to youtube. It's a difficult thing to deal with when those that profess to love you have very little problem destroying you. They never get better but I did find that cognitive behavioral therapy did help her for a while. So something to consider mentioning to your Mom if you are still in contact with her and of a mind to want to actually help her. Unlike people with this condition I have sympathy as this is a mental condition and not really their fault which only makes it harder when it comes time to cut them off completely in order to protect one's self from any further damage to your life. Good luck.

[@paulhicks7991]

Wow. Great timing for me. Going to court in about a week for our third meeting. My ex presents a face of caring, but my kids are struggling and some don’t want to be with my ex at all. I hope to hear more from you Ross on parenting (this is spot on. From what I can guess, my ex is a covert narcissist, at least. ) don’t really hear too much on parenting, counter parenting , with a narcissist. I’ve got 11 more years, and my kids are struggling (and me too). They love their narcissist parent, they also have expressed that they don’t feel safe there (paraphrasing). Thanks Ross, for everything you’ve done over the years. Really feels right, for the rename to SLDD, working on myself, with therapy and time and gentleness/love. Slowly doing better. Keep going Ross!

[@NoesKicker]

Hey just wanted to see how things are going? Any advice on dealing with this? My son is 7 months old and I’m worried about what the next 18 years will be like.

[@tinamarzullo8868]

I am living this and he took me to court on false allegations . Always does the opposite and doesn’t give the children discipline or punishment . Always undermines me. It’s so bad

[@tinamarzullo8868]

If I say no friends house , he takes them. If I say no phone , he lets them keep. Ect

[@jillkutzlerjensen9971]

Mine husband does that to. Looking back to I was always the butt of jokes with him and our children

[@HahaT634]

Mine feeds them sugar. I’ve called the police for him disturbing bed time. Endless amount of treats and chaos. Somehow he manages to snap at the kids unnecessarily and the older child knows dad is not okay. He’s a bpd/narc

[@nicholettej1742]

@@tinamarzullo8868 Parallel Parenting/- it’s awful

[@tinamarzullo1584]

Add to my comment.. his parents who have a lot of money support his efforts , give him money not to work as he should and manipulate my children as well. Fake, evil People. However the children are seeing them for who they are.

[@kristinafraser1036]

This is so spot on!! I am dealing with going back to mediation the 3rd time in 5 years with a covert narcissist. It is so frustrating!

[@omads92]

Thank you for this video. This has given me a better, much better understanding of what my precious son is going through. And yes, there is a child involved. I can't tell you how many tears i have shed over this whole situation!!!

[@Adam-xs3ng]

Sadly they do not see the children as individuals with their own agency at all. They see them as extensions of themselves. My wife used my boys as emotional comfort blankets to soothe herself, a total reversal of the child parent relationship. I spotted it early as my own mother did the same to me, the child should never have responsibility for managing the parents emotional needs. I have joint custody now and I encourage the boys to separate and be individuals, they always have my support when they need it and my attention. They are seen and heard, they do help me and give me love but it's on their terms, never to please me.

[@aaronw7840]

ex covert narc female is bleeding my sons soul dry .. Had to leave because i couldnt just let my son be abused right in front of me . led to massive raging outburst lasting for sometimes weeks. its weird that they can gas light themselves into insanity. In the end Im homeless but I can no sleep and my blood pressure is way down.

[@christineplaton3048]

How do we restore pur families now that the children are grown. We need help to know how to disclose this to the now adult children

[@FaithfulandTrue777]

Yes I would like to know how to answer questions when the children are older. We seem like the villains for taking the children away, if it was safe we'd still be there! We have to warn our children without alienating the narc parent. Thankful for all your info Ross. I'm sometimes to exhausted to comment but always like/share.

[@janefriendofbillw1641]

Can't you show them any evidence you have of their behaviour towards you?

[@lindabermudez-hafer5440]

They don’t believe us anyway. Nobody does! The covert narcs I dealt with said if I said or did anything, they would make my life even worse. I’ve known other people who called out Covert Narcissists & got reported to the police (falsely) & got dragged through the Courts w/ multiple false accusations/ allegations & arrests! So sad!

[@hollyjoy9523]

I divorced a covert narcissist seven years ago, though I didn’t know it at the time. I had to fight like hell, and thank God I have excellent morals, character, and integrity. I got custody of our son, but I was, and am, still in shock of how he lied and manipulated people to believe him and believe his lies about me - even people that are “professionals.” To those in the fight, just remember that the truth eventually prevails and the lies don’t align. Lies are instant, but they eventually unravel!

[@greggshopes1772]

I'm going through this as we speak..my sons mother is a covert,I haven't seen my son in 3 weeks, she's turning his attitude I to her attitude ..it's awrful

[@julierichens4218]

Thank you so much, Dr. Rosenberg. I have watched my daughter in law absolutely knowingly and intentionally destroy her children in her vicious desire to damage my son. You have explained perfectly how these monsters operate.

[@createa.googleaccount713]

Huge Thank You! Have Shared. God Bless YOU for Helping me, us!!!

[@drg8578]

Literally predicted my future.. the guardian ad litem watched security camera videos of me being punched in face in front of children, says nothing to judge but rages on about my wet wipes being expired. This is so surreal, it’s just as Ross was saying. And the rules don’t apply to them, the Flying Monkeys crusade onward

[@CherFREEMarauder]

Great topic for discussion

[@tammipipkin7933]

The big question is what do you tell the child that has a mean Narcissistic father. How do you help the child to maintain self love when combating that environment? We see signs of people pleasing at age 7. It is sad and a video on the topic of what to tell your child about this Narcissist who is his father, child will never be validated, never be accepted, never experience love. What do you tell the child?

[@rhondadimas5545]

I would love to know how my grandchildren will be able to develop and combat the abuse in the environment they must endure with a mean narcissist father. As a G.M. I'm so concerned about their welfare since the divorce. I want to tell him that I can't stand him, that he deceived our family, that he better not hurt my babies, but I know that he would only try harder to alienate the kids from us.

[@tammyfitzgerald5336]

Thank you smart man my whole family narcs how I was oldest and never a follower was a blessing 🙏🏽🙌💯💥

[@SylBeB-wp1gg]

Despite having full custody, it doesn’t stop if the other parent still has unsupervised visits, which I advocated for because I have the nex the benefit of the doubt and didn’t want my son to hate me. I’ve been being abused by proxy for 12 years.

[@halfpintpuppets]

Yep. My kids are so much more verbally abusive to me than anyone could imagine. They've been stripped of their personalities and I'm devastated for them, as well as me. I'm sorry for you, and all of us living with this. Ouchie

[@RossRosenberg]

Listen to my new podcast! The Self-Love Recovery Podcast is available on all major platforms. 🎧 www.selfloverecovery.com/pages/podcast

[@tinamarzullo8868]

Can’t wait to listen.

[@NafaelRadalBeats]

i sometimes wonder if i have npd. i have worried that myself or my partner is npd or if we are trauma bonded or what. How can i find out if it either of has npd? I want nothing more than to provide the positive and healthy environment for my daughter that i did not have as a child.

[@frommycoldhands]

And which personalities decide these groups and we’re supposed to trust telling us truth? By the same idealogy this speaker wants us to believe he knows all.. couldn’t this guy be a covert sociopath bamboozling us to gain a paycheck from KZbin if he collects enough views.. 🤔

[@vickimerritt2832]

Spouses can get KILLED in an attempt to challenge, or out the narc (advertantly or inadvertantly) or if the non narc take moves to protect or advocate for their chidren, or effect an escape.

[@troynunley8161]

Great, great explication of the term "covert narcissism." Best I've seen in the Internet.

[@tinamarzullo1584]

It’s amazing how many people and families are like this. I wish I knew and could have saved my self , my children and my own parents so much pain and all of the things mentioned in this video.

[@cyndim8785]

My husband done this to my kids. I had back surgery a few years ago. My grown kids (in their 30’s) didn’t even come to the hospital or my home to help me out when I was recovering. My daughter told me one time that if something happened to me that she would be alright. “ If something ever happened to my Dad I would just lose it”. If they need money or a sitter I’m the first one they call. I could not understand why he would say mean things about me to my kids. I love you are just what he says when he wants something.

[@marciosandre]

Great. Thanks Doctor. I´m going thru exactly like this. I had a relationship with a Covert Narcissist Woman and we had our daughter. During the Pandemic as she has no victims easily, she started to go thru on Parental Alienation against me. I´m in a Legal Suit against her. I´ve got accomplished with the law to go thru Psychiatrical Test and Rorscharsch Test to prove psychopathy and try to get full custody. Let´s see it. But it´s hard, cuz she manipulates everyone around to play the good mother and only the closed-door abused ones will know the real self of her. But thanks to the knowledge I got from guys like you and this amazing tips, I think I´m doing fine considering fighting against a Covert Narcissist. The only way people can overcome narcissistic abuse is knowledge, and don´t be afraid, do what you have to do to protect your kids.

[@pjt3887]

After spending almost 3 years in marriage counseling. After my first appointment with the marriage counselor. I realized that I needed to go see my own counselor. Didn't fully understand what a narcissist is let alone a covert narcissist. And I am so grateful that I saw my own counselor. Or else I might have spent another three years going nowhere in marriage counseling. My experience with "Christian Counseling" cured me of ever doing that again. I was routinely told that I needed to show more grace 🤢 to my covert narcissist.. Who was at the time psychologically and physically abusing me. I had a spiritual experience and after realizing I'd caught him relapsing again for probably the 2,000 time. Seriously don't know how many times he relapsed, lost track it happened so often. Greatful for this soft yet incrediblely strong voice that told me to pack all his belongings. With God's help this was achieved in 45 minutes. Took it to his place of employment put the bags in his car and promptly got a restraining order. Because I so severely ripped the mask off my ex the covert narcissist. It cost me $20,890 to get a legal separation & parenting plan.. I learned how to gray rock & parallel parent and ignore his constant need to try to engage me in non stop fighting and belittling me at every opportunity. Now that my son is 13. My ex decided last Sunday to file false child abuse allegations against me with the help of my son. My son is developing nervous tics as well as anxiety and depression from being stuck in the middle. Kills me as much as I try to keep him out of it. My ex keeps him in the middle of it! I can't bear to see what he's doing to our child. All in an effort to get back at me. I don't even have money to represent myself. Because he used these false accusations as a ruse to try to force me to negotiate a new parenting plan. It is utterly hopeless for me to do any parenting plan because he doesn't adhere to the current one. Watching him tear our child apart I am going to make the painful decision to walk away and hope that he contacts me when he turns 18. I had to let him pack up and go to his father's house last Friday when these false accusations where made. Until I can clear myself of these false accusations. I have an autoimmune condition and the stress that he attempts to keep me under is too much. I've heard from other parents that they had to literally walk away from their children to try to keep them safe and stop the narcissist from the vicious attacks that are NeverEnding. Seeing my child develop a studder and anxiety is killing me. Any advice would be appreciated.❤ This video really touched me. It's so spot on.

[@SufiaShaikh-pl8rc]

No advice. Just a hug. 🫂 I’m so sorry. 😢 I’m experiencing so much of the same.

[@gillianfrances]

Don't give up, try as best you can to keep your son away from the narcissistic father.

[@GodsChosenMekAmoR]

Get healthy first but in the meanwhile write your son love letters and make copies with dates, mail them to the narcs house, still facetime and have timestamps. One thing kids do is get caught up in it and if we as parents couldn't see it for what it was for years why do we expect a child to "GET" that their parent is a narc. My therapist told me the children will find out in time. SHe def told me to fight for them too because narcissism is abuse period. They do not love their children they use them. As God gives you strength keep fighting for your son. For me my only advice is to put your faith in Almighty God. His Spirit is the only spirit greater than the narc spirit. Jesus is the TRUTH. Stay under the umbrella of truth and don't let the narc rob you of your good name and integrity. Lies and things are exposed in time but the Righteous will last forever. Really pray and seek God's help and wisdom on how to move. WHen I tell you Christ kept me ahead of the narc and favored me in every situation. HE DID! Even when he withheld child support after losing court for months God knew why and it was actually a blessing in disguise. Don't beat yourself up on letting your son live with him for your sanity but def pray about if that is God's will or best. SOmetimes we just get so tired of their EVIL and yes it is EVIL. THe things they do and lengths they go is demonic. THey don't even really want the kids, its all for competition and a show. We actually love our kids so it is the hardest thing ever but I pray God continues to hold you up and pull you through. Reading this I totally understand but I am in joy and peace. 3 years of therapy, 4 years since leaving him during pandemic. God said GO and I did with 3 kids in tow. He tried everything, wouldn't co parent, harrassed until finally I went NO CONTACT with kids. They had cells and I told him for his disrespect he no longer had access to phones I pay for and to email me. Once he saw I was not triggered by him nor liked him he went on his way. Didn't do right by them for a while but now found a new victim supply so is trying to act like a parent again. They fool those who they can fool but I keep my peace and keep these kids grounded. They are now honor roll students, give me no problem, and one graduated and is in the military in Hawaii. I had to release control and put it all in God's hand because it is spiritual. Also, I relate to your christian counseling. THAT WAS THE WORST EXPERIENCE because they use the Bible one-sided and focus so heavily on the husband getting sex and nevermind you tell them the most ridiculous things from lying and cheating and they still talking about grace. I had to forgive them and now will not tolerate a church that does not have accountability for abusers or lies. God operates in Truth so they need to cut it out. We are NOT responsible for others behavior. Keep healing and it does get better. The kids are smart. Your son will figure it out in his time and you will be right there to validate his experience. God bless you and keep trusting!

[@alphaomegaambassador4978]

I have 3 kids with my covert narc ex. She spent 2 years before the divorce trying to alienate my oldest daughter from me by secretly telling her that I was to blame for our marriage problems. During the divorce, I got my daughter into counseling and we got her unbrainwashed. After the divorce, all 3 of my kids witness our two homes - mom's home is still full of fighting, chaos, and neglect while dad's home is full of peace, love, and caring. And because of that, they see the truth about who is who. It's as simple as a tale of two homes! But even though she can't fool the kids anymore, that doesn't stop covert narc mom from trying to convince the rest of the world that she is the victim and I'm the bad guy. Even though my kids know the truth, it's still very hard on the kids. Their wish their mom would/could change. I wished that too, but after 15 years of counseling I came to the realization that my covert narc would never change for the better. In fact, as she gets older, she is getting worse. It's heartbreaking.

[@windysmith7367]

Covert narcissistic women/mothers are the worst

[@lastminutejen]

A great video. Thank you. & thank God for people like you. Blessings, peace & light to you sir. Jen🤍

[@kimkennedy9640]

Wow!! You just described my life (45yo) with my dad and mom. He made it where she was too afraid and beat down to leave. They are in their 70's and she cries and fights w him everyday.. hurt over the affairs and lies . Omg the lies.. even to this day.. his memory is starting to go now tho and slipping up.. best one this year was him telling me his tax lady gave him an item for free bc he's been doing business w her so long... forgetting that I had done their taxes for the last 7 yrs.. nothing is ever the truth bc that would allow one to enter too close to him ... he's played w my mother's head until she literally can't even think straight to talk, drive, use the phone.. she has to have him assist her in everything .. it's literally like her brain is fried.. no drugs or alcohol w either .. that would ruin the perfect image ... It won't be long before having to deal w him having power over her medical health.. he comes home everyday with cakes, cookies, candies and eats none.. he knows my mother will tho.. she did find braveness 2 yrs ago and left him and went to another state to her bro's and was talking to a high-school sweetheart.. she came back a few months later bc she felt she was burdening them and she was bc she will talk only abt her abuse and abuser 24/7.. it will drive anyone crazy.. he has offered her an avenue to eat herself to death.. she's hooked and sinking.. she having all kind of health problems.. many months before she left him she came to my house to stay .. he threatened her if she didn't go back home.. I stepped in and let everything I've ever felt abt him out .. 2 days of writing and crying .. going back to a painful childhood .. let him know everything I felt and who I saw and know him to be.. so many words I said for a very vague pitty me response.. no true apologies.. I did get "sorry u feel that way".. and he did not talk to me for over 6 months .. I texted him here n there w no response.. he did not start talking to me until my mother left state and he needed me finding out info on her.. during those 6mo I went thru the hardest time of my 40 something yrs of life dealing w my 1st grandbaby.. I wanted to die.. many of days I didn't get out the bed.. seriously contemplated suicide.. he nvr checked on me once... I take that back, i had gotten Xanax from a friend and was taking those for a short span of 4 days to stay sleeping so I didn't have to face reality.. those 4 days happened to be over Easter holiday so ppl were trying to get in touch with me .. some coming to my home knocking but I nvr heard it.. so they started calling my parents to see if they heard from me.. he came to my house and beat on my window.. I answered the door, hadn't seen or heard from him in 2-3 months at this point.. I could barely walk, stumbling into walls, eyes swollen shut from crying.. he asked what i had taken, he said ppl thought I was dead in here, and tried hugging me, I pushed away and started crying telling him to leave over n over.. he was gone within 2 mins .. never heard from him again until he showed up to my house with money and needing to find out if my mother was getting a lawyer.. I later reviewed cam footage of him coming over that day.. it was heartbreaking the amount of hurt I was carrying.. I could nvr imagine leaving my child in that state of mind.. wow I can't believe I just let all that out.. guess I needed to release.. if u made it this far, thank you

[@mariarichards5221]

thankyou for this information, so helpful 🙏🙂

[@jigold22571]

Your better than an.hour on a bench....Eternal Gratitude and Appreciation

[@Inspire_SelfLove]

Wow. Yep. This resonated so much. Thanks for the video

[@daveisjustdave8631]

Wow, great video. I’ve attempted to make some similar content myself and consider myself pretty knowledgeable on the subject. I was really blown away by your explanations of the key concepts in this, they are probably the best quick explanations I’ve heard of covert narcissism and how it works. I will be pointing people toward your channel.

[@Clairelovestreats]

My CN ex turned my son against me when I decided to leave. My son had just graduated high school and is now 32. The only time I hear from him is when he needs something. Unfortunately, he’s a covert narc too. Makes me wish I’d left the marriage way earlier, but I don’t know if that would’ve helped.

[@lukeskywalkerlucasfilm]

Thanks Dr Ross for video! Unmasked fragile-covert Wife this year, before seeing your video suggesting otherwise...She immediately started devaluing stage and filed for divorce. My court experience fighting for custody is exactly as you say!!!

[@djignatin4043]

My mother is a covert narc, she is a social worker. LOL.

[@maggiepyper1132]

Omg

[@Aprayerfortheloney]

Same! Mine was a family support worker 🥴 what a joke! Still it's scary how these people can play the empath and caring person to others? Although never with their own kids. It's too exhausting to play a part all the time, and we get to see the real them, lucky us! The insecure, needy bully that has already used us and half the time doesn't even want to pay us attention, because everything's all about them. They do everything for gaining supply and power and cultivating a positive image, which they work so hard at. (because it's an artificial construct and false image) and it's hiding all their unwanted and deeply repressed feelings of inadequacy and failure. The ego on them is ridiculous, and the narcissistic rage they suddenly spew out if contradicted or shamed (and anything can set them off) makes them a nightmare to be around. Still at work they get to play a part and these people are all actors , being a liar is second nature to them and they usually end up charming their way into any job, and even though it's performative probably in my mother's case, she will have been correct in her job, just because she cares about external reward, and how she is seen by others, but none of it will be coming from genuine altruism (that doesn't exist) people are just like chess pieces and she'll move them around the board to play the game and win,she would call that being objective! I would call it manipulative, but she would make all the right noises and do things according to the book, just to get ahead (which is what she did) worked up a pretty good CV and is now a civil servant (so the plan paid off). I blame social and family services as well though, because it's not only my mother, I have known quite a few evil ones, seriously why do they get chosen? Or is it that social and family work in general is not quite as benevolent as it seems? (And maybe people are just pawns to them as well and some just like having power over vulnerable children and adults? The same as they are in family situations then!) The mask being just that a false benevolent image that in reality doesn't exist.

[@djignatin4043]

@@Aprayerfortheloney THAT IS POETRY. Your so right.

[@Aprayerfortheloney]

@@djignatin4043 ❤️

[@whiteraven69]

I am a retired Social Worker. I want to validate your experience by sharing that some of the most dyfunctional people I have crossed paths with in my career were my collegues , Psychologist’s , and Therapists . I am not saying all of them , but the few Professionals I did encounter were memorable.

[@markfromclarks7768]

My first marriage was to a covert narcissist. She eventually pressured me out of the picture and I haven't had contact with my two oldest sons in several years. Through all of this I have never said a disparaging word about her to them or around them, because I don't want to tarnish their image of her the way she has done to me. I tell them every day that I love them, even though they can't hear me. Some day they will come around, when they are ready. My second marriage was to a codependent, who was still controlled by her narcissistic ex. I was immediately ostracized by the bio-dad, and eventually her kids, which culminated in our divorce. In both cases the narcissist weaponized any and every potential situation to establish control and manipulate things to improve their image, regardless of the collateral damage they caused. They will destroy anything and anyone if they feel they can benefit from it. Seeing these people from both sides has given me a unique perspective I must admit, though I'd not recommend trying it for yourself.

[@happybergner9832]

Parental alienation. Very very very very very bad, Ross.😭

[@lauracoussens6207]

OMG, I just started listening and am reliving the past! Thank you so, so much for talking about this very evil trait of narcissists.

[@diannavargas1237]

I wish! This was available or I knew about this before my ordeal l. Thanks! Great material

[@zamboniclean]

I know and have known the mother of my 2 kids has clear mental health issues. I not positive she is a covert narcissist, but she 100% had this reaction or action with counter parenting. I believe this information is going to help me with my kids. Beyond that, this is so validating to hear, tears were almost flowing. I've always known me, and my kids' situation was completely sabotaged by a horrible person, but hearing it spoken back to me in this way means the world to me. Thank you so much for posting this and allowing this info to find me. Forever grateful.

[@CiciC2410]

So exhausting. I didn't realize when I tried to fight back the lack of conscience and unmasking him would do.

[@AyanD.-yy6sz]

OMG! I thought I was going crazy. I could literally see how my covert narcissist husband was turning my biological daughter (he is her step-dad) against me. I raised my daughter alone, as a single mom, with no family members in the States. He knew how much she meant to me, and once I became more assertive and discerning of the toxic behaviors, and I started to refuse being gaslight (after years in therapy), he used the only thing left fue him to hurt me: my daughter. He started to triangulate us, and somehow, he will feast in our pain!? It was surreal. I could see him subtly laugh, and then say: “see what I have to deal with?” When all I will ask him was to leave me alone with my daughter. He will make sure to be in the middle of any disagreement my daughter and I had, to literally fuel the situation. It was CRAZY!

[@craigmerkey8518]

Thank you for the great insight. Once I understood the concept of the hollow shell, the picture was complete, and that picture was a sad validation seeking waste of potential!

[@davesnothere420]

You just perfectly described my marriage, divorce and my post-divorce life. Scary...

[@omarijohnson8076]

My mother has been abandoning me from childhood. Always super critical and abusive.

[@lindastrang8703]

My husband never had a nice thing to say about his children and still doesnt... behind their backs of course..because he wanted to hurt me. They have no idea about this. After 56 years together I just learned this year that he is a narcissist. I just learned yesterday that narcissism is often caused by childhood trauma. Part of their personality did not develop normally, My husband is a lost child in an adult body. At age 76 he is not likely to change so I am trying to learn how to change myself. Thank you all for helping me to understand both of us better. ❤

[@ketherwhale6126]

Wow. I felt similar, with a parent who had a solid virtuous public mask and we were shamed and felt inadequate at home by the same person. So WE felt as though WE were doing something wrong constantly, for bringing out the worst side to this parent. We did not know about narcissism back in the 60’s, 70’s and part of the 80’s. I think I started to only learn of the term narcissistic and it’s full meaning in my mid 20’s . The 1980’s. I was walking shame personified with myself trying to create a mask, thinking that’s what everyone is SUPPOSED to do. Well, that was also the wrong direction. It became a cover to my persistent low grade with bouts of deep depression. I had always thought people who were happy were wearing masks, because if they knew what “ I knew” , about shame & life - they wouldn’t be happy. I didn’t understand happiness in my 20’s.

[@nagammahill7886]

Outing a narcissist can lead to domestic violence if you do not have a plan or supports in place.

[@seizuregirlllll]

Wow. Brought me to tears. It is the most mentally exhausting and physically depleting to have a gaslighting, truth bending co parent.

[@withchza]

I didn't even know this was a thing until a year ago. Ironically, it was my wife talking about Jada Smith and her narcissism that clued me in. My wife talking about Jada being a narc helped me realize that my wife was a covert narcissist! Lol, she's responsible for cluing me into her behavior! Unfortunately, we've been married almost 27 years so the damage is way past done to the marriage, and to our children. This hidden demon has destroyed my sons also. And be very careful of the ones in churches, they are THE WORST!

[@mollya6847]

This is such a validating video. My covert malignant narcissist I escaped last year but I won’t be free for atleast another 15 years. Despite this man is convicted of SA on me, and dozens of disclosures from child of CSA done by him CPS won’t investigate. He’s made 100s of counts of violations in court orders. He’s ordered sight and sound supervision and his supervisors are his flying monkeys who allow him to violate it. This is his was of sending me the message that he still holds the power he knows I can’t prove any of it and he wants me to know he can get away with doing whatever he wants. He’s above the law. They’ve allowed it.

[@missella7339]

You described the problem so perfectly. Please, what is the solution to get these relationships back that the narcissist has ruined?

[@miket713]

This sucks. I made the mistake of telling her I was getting help while we were living together. Next morning the woman filed domestic abuse with all kinds of accusations and lies (sound familiar?) yeah they do that. So now I'm fighting two battles criminal and family. This video really hits hard especially the explanation of making people feel like they can never be alone.. good luck out there normal people, and narcissistic sociopath people can go get lost you're useless and super abusive.

[@brianh1969]

My situation has elements of what your saying, but almost inside out. She narcissistic/toxic/other no matter end of the day. She tried to get various support including taking my kids away from me. There are plenty examples of neglect on her part yet she has the kids convinced I am the bad guy. This has been a slow conversion since the divorce. I make every effort to be involved and look forward to my days with my kids and it's being eroded.

[@vcastro7990]

My ex-husband Counter- parents and I never had a word for it and thank you now I do

[@maritlebliss]

This was helpful to me though my situation was not quite coparenting. My brother's wife, the covert, battled me in court for guardianship of my 2 handicapped siblings who are in care, when my brother sustained a TBI and needed to be replaced as guardian. My mother had put me in the will for next in line. While she battled me ferociously - you guys know what they do- her son was attempting suicide repeatedly but she never said a word. He ultimately achieved his goal. She managed to keep me from getting guardianship, her son died a terrible death, my children were truamatized, she had them believing it was my fault. And everyone pretty much betrayed me around this situation in my family. The power of a CV to ruin a decade of your life is real. But if you do the work, really do the work afterwards, you can come out the other side enlightened in so many ways but I think I will always attract these sick fuks. Trying to get to the bottom of that. Thank you.

[@sophiabeliardmora8345]

I'm currently in multiple legal battles and trying to divorce my husband. It's so draining because we have a young child, he is fighting for custody when he was never present and sometimes did the bare minimum but he presents himself as a desperate father and that I alienating our child from him even went after my child's therapist because she issued a psychological report based on what my child said in the therapy sessions. His attorney belittles me constantly and portrait me as a horrible person, sometimes I even think if I am the abuser because I'm protecting my child at all costs. Child support is another draining process, he told the judge that he would be pleasantly willing to cover all our child expenses only if he paid it directly for me that's another way for me that he shows that need to be in control. How I can stop the constant cognitive dissonance in the legal battles?

[@dorasneddon774]

For years I questioned why, no matter what I did, how I tried to engage him, my husband undermined co-operative parenting. Thank you.

[@DHW256]

Growing up with our narcissist mother, we kids knew something was wrong, but our mother was the primary example of an adult and parent (our father was constantly gone), so we had little to no references for comparison. Mom wished I had never been born, really wished none of the three of us boys had been born after her illegitimate daughter, but she also had the need for us to exalt her. As her primary confronter, I bore the brunt of her rage and malice to the day she died. When I was 46, I finally walked away convinced she suffered from pathological envy -- I had never heard of narcissism. She's been gone for years now, but we're still stuck dealing with the aftermath of her desperation for codependence and supply, which has completely screwed up her estate.

[@estephanelia]

the fact that they have everything to lose is probably where a lot of people get confused of course because they can't relate so the natural inclination Really Would be to question the "unmasker" so no i definitely wouldnt call one out but during a normal conversation narcs often call themselves out almost as if to test you. until you meet someone with this narc pattern of behavior its hard to describe.