Six Signs of a Covert Narcissistic Father

[@mschlund1]

I don't think they "struggle" with empathy, they simply have none

[@m.f.richardson1602]

Good one ❤

[@kuibeiguahua]

My dad once said « I don’t do emotions »

[@starryluxuryx]

thats my dad! thanks for validating my experience.

[@jmcg1708]

This describes my Dad perfectly. I'm sorry to all of you who had to live through this, too. Much love to each one of you.

[@nmc1859]

* to each one of us ❤

[@LifeIsGood1992]

After way too many years we just knew..

[@jmcg1708]

I'm almost 40 and just now figuring this out, and I only figured it out because my husband is a licensed therapist and brought it to my attention.

[@vacaylife1950]

Mine too

[@FabrianoDejimson]

Mee too same

[@thetranspersonalalchemist]

My father is primarily covert narcissist but he does have fits of rage and was sometimes physically abusive. At some point he became isolated, anxious, less confident and donned a nice guy demeanor / started hiding his overt toxicity. He uses money to control me and my siblings, he sucks all the air out of the room, requiring near constant validation and attention, he parentifies me, he see his children as competition instead of people to protect. It’s honestly disgusting. In childhood he punished us because he was angry, never because he was trying to teach us how to function in the world. I was his scapegoat. He was holding inheritance over my head in adulthood which would have been my first truly lucky break in life. I went no contact anyway. I can’t stomach being manipulated anymore. I decided I’d rather die on the streets than him have control over me. He’s even tried to smear me and paint me as his abuser 😂😂. These people are real pieces of work.

[@L.J.Designs]

The wolf managed to convince the sheep that the sheepdog is the dangerous one that they must get rid of... I found this quote not too long ago. The experiences that you described in your comment resemble my own experiences as well as my future plans. Take care of yourself... Something that I find difficulties with.

[@dnk4559]

I can very much relate. You were wise to walk away. It didn’t get better with time like I had hoped and prayed for.

[@kheleecebrown1799]

I can relate am in process of distancing myself too 😔.

[@SarahElise-so3sy]

I can relate to this too. I'm distancing myself and starting to focus on healing

[@iamaliveyoucantstopnow]

Sounds like Borderline PD

[@melindadaun2308]

This is 100% my father. I always struggle when talking to him, even on the phone. I never understood why my dad could never just be real. He tells all these bull stories to impress me, but I find him manipulative & repelling. I often blame myself for not being able to get my emotions under control to be a good daughter.

[@lauriemoore2863]

This is so familiar. So sad. 😢

[@britt3272]

Mine too. Was diagnosed with NPD n all.

[@karenblack4702]

Omg , this is it ? ! ! ! Earned loadsa money n thinks that makes him good , its awful , superficial ! Also as ' daddy's girl ' it was about my looks , totally ruined my self esteem , put downs n ridicule . Really sexist n gross ! From a ' back to back ' house to a detached with massive garden , self made man , worked hard my mum a silent n kind person who seems to have gone with his ways n I know now she didn't want to . Trad bread winner n housewife , he wouldn't let her work cos of the reflection on him ! I know now wot my mum did for us , how she didn't go mad is a miracle ! X 😢

[@spacegirl226]

Wooooo, Darren. You described my old man nearly perfectly. The only difference is that he just did not give a shit about any of us. Growing up he was neglectful and absent. He told me "I let your mother raise you," which she did NOT. She screamed at us a lot but she didn't raise us. He was off in La La Land and didn't want to be bothered with his family. I still don't know why he had a family if he didn't want all the responsibility that came with it, behaving like having to do anything for us was a total chore. He took no curiosity in us, and the only time he intervened in anything was because my mother would force him to. But of course, he views my brother and me as total failures. He couldn't be arsed to help us at any point, but nah -- it's easier to justify his distance by thinking we were awful rather than doing literally anything. When I asked him why he behaved this way, he told me that "my father never showed me love." All right. Cool. Did that make it all right for him to do the same thing to his children despite knowing how much his father's neglect and abuse hurt him? He gave me a blank stare and changed the subject. Recently I deduced that my father is in competition with me. He's always right, and I am not allowed to be right too. Everything I say gets cut down, and he argues. When I tell him that he's starting an argument, his response is "No, I'm not!" He's oblivious. I don't want to be in competition with my dad. I want him to love me. But I know now that he can't. He's not going to change. Anyway, no contact is coming for all of my family. I can't do this anymore. Thank you so much for this insightful video, Darren. I hope everyone has a happy holiday season, or at least a tolerable one with all your boundaries firmly in place.

[@sharonthompson672]

Ditto 🖐️ no contact

[@darkcharmrecords]

I had to send my dad 'The final text message' just about a week ago. VERY long text explaining how I felt about his behaviour. He is losing family members and possibly his wife and now maybe even me. The message went completely ignored. Thats all the answer I need from him. Its hard but maybe you just need to move on. He's the way he is because of his own doing. Bitter and alone. The hardest thing is that he thinks everyone has done him bad forgetting how he treated them first. This video has set my mind free of him. Set your mind free

[@seksendort744]

You are not alone bro

[@human_4real]

Me too 🤝

[@spacegirl226]

@@jamie-578 I absolutely loathe the Jesus thing. My dad is a "Christian." My abusive mother is too. "Christians." We grew up in the church because my dad was a music minister and my mother taught Sunday School. I grew up in the church. You'd be hard pressed to convince them that they aren't "Christians." Religious abuse was prominent in my life, which is why when people say stuff like "Jesus can save them!" I roll my eyes. They've already got Jesus, and Jesus gave them a free pass to abuse their family because they go to church on Sunday and look so pious and holy in front of everyone. Yeah no. Let's not go there.

[@younghem]

My father would say he would help in certain ways but when it came down to the wire he didn’t help. He also hoarded all thr money of the family and didn’t share with the family while my mother waited on him hand and foot her whole life.

[@strawberysnaple]

Bro literally same just my parents r divorced n my mom needs money n stuff and my dad has like s delusion that hes a victim of my mom even though 🤓somehow🤔 my dad is the only parent that didnt have regard for my feelings and yelled at me alot

[@vacaylife1950]

Mine too....I made SURE when I married, it was NOT like this for me- and I have stayed independent with my own money so control can never become an issue. I also do not wait on him hand and foot. I am not his mother. If his clothes sit on the floor for weeks in the bedroom, so be it. If he leaves messes around the house or comes in with dirty or wet shoes, I leave it. He can whine all he wants. I work equally as hard as he does all day for a job.

[@jaspreetamatharu3438]

This really disturbed me because I just realised my Dad is all of the above. And so is my current partner with whom I have separated. So heartbreaking.

[@dakoderii4221]

My dad will take credit for my accomplishments despite his every effort to sabotage it. It's the "My son would have never made that sailing trip without me drilling holes in the bottom in the bottom of the boat."

[@human_4real]

Mine likes to say "good genes", I'm like 🖕

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Mine nitpicks at me, now, I am 60. I don't ask for his opinion. He thinks he is perfect and finds fault with me. He needs to grow up and shut up.

[@MadameDegen]

Same as my father. He is a doctor and always made sure to not give me any support to me to have a successful career in order to him being always superior, however I have a successful life and he take the credit for it!

[@piya_404]

​@@MadameDegen you just described my situation

[@gigiarmany]

THIS is his most infuriating trait..😒 after going through a gruelling process of fighting him on EVERY step & DESPITE his active sabotage ( the only time he ever gets active!😒) , after I overcome these insane obstacles & the actual work it takes to achieve success, he wants to parade me around like a show pony & brag about my accomplishments as if he contributed🤯😒

[@lg403]

I remember how the emotional immaturity of my father scarred me for life. He had These emotional outbursts und Front of me. Why wasnt he man enough to protect me from That instead of throwing it in my face at the Tender age of 13. I am 27 now, I left at 17. I am still recovering

[@lg403]

Wanting me to Thank him for buying me school stuff, like you decided to have me, why should i be thankful for basic necessities??

[@lg403]

I was struggling with school, he did not care at all and yelled at me why are you such a failure instead of helping me

[@lg403]

I was alone with him for 4 years and i am still traumatized

[@jmcoldcreek2080]

I m sorry. My mother is that way. Left at 18, still recover till today (31).

[@darrynreid4500]

From my experience, I would possibly highlight extreme self-righteousness, and weaving fallacy after fallacy together with the lies while arbitrarily shifting the context to just "win" and to avoid ever accepting any accountability for being wrong.

[@Vattgh3rn]

You legit described my father to a T, he would always talk badly about my mom behind her back, would say all the stuff he did in his younger days and looking back now i realized jow much he lied

[@sburns2421]

I always considered my mother to be prideful and displaying narcissistic characteristics, while my dad was long-suffering and sacrificed for us. He was relatively successful and they were comfortable in retirement. After she died I came to realize she tempered my dad's covert narcissism and SHE was the one that kept the family together. He immediately latched on to a highly manipulative gold digger who uses his narcissism and baseless pride to control him, effectively replacing his family with her own. Uses his desire to be the Daddy Warbucks hero to ensure all of his resources are controlled by her (as I predicted to him early on) Spoke with him recently and it is truly amazing how he has changed in the past few years, and not for the better. I cannot imagine ever treating my daughter how he has treated me. It makes me question what I ever thought of him as a person.

[@lisadolan689]

My fathers second/last wife didn’t like me because she was a narcissist. She made him choose between her and me. He chose her. He blamed my dead mother for all his misery. He drove her insane with his covert narcissism.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Dad's a huge narcissist and expects me to back it up. I won't. He lies to me. I don't trust him.

[@mstashfish5796]

I know one of these personally, thank the Lord it was not my Dad. The sarcasm and passive-aggressiveness was an every day thing. Emotionally unregulated, blew up for little things, broke monitors and punched walls, or yelled at everyone instead of processing his emotions normally. Tries to buy favor and approval from everyone and is upset if you are not thankful enough, and is always complaining about how no one appreciates him and nothing ever goes his way. And the rules....rules are good, but when there are 8,756 of them, that all can change depending on his mood.....Everyone on the outside thinks he is the best Dad in the world. If they only knew....You have described this kind of a person exactly!!!!

[@AureliasMyth1]

My father is bitter and resentful of me because as a 50 year old I finally became a Classics/Latin teacher. He calls me "professor" in a spitting disgusted way. I wish that were all he's done. Thank you for the information you provide!

[@rachelbartlett1970]

Wow, Latin teachers are still a thing? Awesome

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

His loss! You deserve better, so do I!

[@flowersinantarctica8]

wow! as a beginner latin student that is SO cool and its hard to become a professor! im really proud of u and thats such an interesting career to have omg im totally jealous (i want to be a neuropsychologist but i love latin and classics)

[@AureliasMyth1]

@@flowersinantarctica8 You have some lofty goals! Bonam Fortunam tibi!!!

[@dnk4559]

Oh yes the look of disdain and contempt my father directed at me throughout my life is sadly unforgettable.

[@belindablunderbus1365]

I've been waiting for this video. I don't see many examples of covert or vulnerable narcissistic fathers. Mine is sullen like a stroppy teen, his "love" is transactional, he is hyper sensitive to criticism, he constantly made sniping comments at my partner. He's sexist and blames most things on women although hed deny it. The last 2 years of no contact have enabled me to redirect that energy on myself. 10/10 would recommend

[@melissabird23]

Thank you. Gaslighting, guilt tripping, snide put downs, passive aggression to the 20th power, stonewalling, only responding favorably when he’s told what he wants to hear - hey the gangs all here! Took me until age 41 to realize the man I put on the highest pedestal is a covert narcissist who used me to fill a void in him (I was parentified to the max). He’s now trying to bully me into saying I’m not on the autism spectrum because he cannot handle guilt. Tried to bully me to go back to a doctor who traumatized me, hoping they’d break me down and I’d agree I have a condition other than something HE has to feel bad he didn’t catch. Horribly pathological financial control. Codependent to an extreme. Thanks for this. I’m super close to being able to go NC. It will be the best day of my life.

[@alexr.3504]

Darren, thank you. This video is, as frequently happens, the best, most accurate depiction of a covert narcissistic father I’ve heard. I really appreciate how you highlighted the infantile, victimhood mindset the covert narcissistic father lives in. It confused and hurt me so much that my dad told such fun stories about himself and had fun with us as kids, but had no idea how to be a dad to us (beyond providing material things) as we aged. The neglect and abuse are persistent but subtle and can be utterly mystifying.

[@lifeisshort.stopwastingyou9600]

Sorry...mine never bothered providing material anything.. on top of that description. In fact he does everything he can to waste all the inheritence he gained from his ancestors and from his wife's death - and he calls the extra money "the fruit of my hard labor" . He keeps finding strange women for an excuse to squander his money as quickly as possible so as to leave us with nothing. he wants to get married at 70 yrs old, all of a sudden to another strange woman from out of nowhere. He is forgetting that my sister is homeless. He forgets or never noticed his grandchildren do not have rooms, a house, neither do they have beds to sleeo on, nor chairs or a table to eat on. He visited us and he winessed this. and he turned a blind eye. Sorry for venting here.

[@catalinacantillo4609]

exactly what is happening to me now i am the older daughter with a covert narcissist father my mother just got divorced from him and my eyes are opening tremendously it’s really hard

[@Alexander361cmongimmieahandle]

My father never directly says anything, plausible deniability is his best friend. He'll "suggest" X, and when I point out the truth that X is false, because he was always so on the fence and never committed to anything he says, he'll easily be able to revert to "Oh well I never said that". He'll constantly make these "suggestions" and act as if they're true and lead others to believe them as well, and if I ever correct him with facts, he always always has plausible deniability to fall back on and I'm the bad guy here.

[@Walklikeaduck111]

So true. It confuses me somuch. My father does this a lot

[@neowolf09]

That's scary relatable.

[@OhBlivEUn]

These types of videos are so needed. Thank you. An excuse for everything and zero accountability. I guess it was worth trying to have a relationship to learn how I can he a better husband and father than him. Facing the adversity my father imposed upon my family damaged me, but I am unbroken and stronger in my own mature resolve than ever before. Fellow victims, we are worth it. We can empathize like others can not, so let's use all of this darkness for good. God bless.

[@ellenkelley5353]

Does this ever ring true! I wish I had known this a long time ago. My dad had a lawn fetish and flew into a rage when I wouldn't mow the lawn for him because my feet hurt after I had undergone chemotherapy. After he passed away and I was going through boxes of his papers I discovered that he had stolen my high school and college diplomas, my personal mail, and even a collar tag for my cat that I had ordered but never received. I wonder if anyone else has ever experienced this. Thanks for your excellent videos- they have helped me make sense of a dark region in my past.

[@moroccangrl2006]

Describes my dad to a t. Currently giving me the silent treatment for months now because he wanted to visit during a time that wasn’t good for my family, got personally insulted, huffed and puffed and turned silent. Then showers my brother and his family with all his gusto while ignoring anything to do with my kids. This has been my entire life.

[@evakober9873]

This was the kindest explanation of a covert narcissist father. Its 10 times worse in my experience

[@gigiarmany]

Yes, they are very dangerous , especially towards kids, putting them in harms way constantly & not protecting them, while pretending not to see the harm🤮

[@sally7308]

I just recently understood my dad is a covert narcissist. This video describes him very well. He started manipulating me when I was 9 yo. I became his parent, and this led to me I kind of taking his place in the family. I would be the one trying to resolves all the conflicts, trying to reassure him (when he should be the one reassuring me), keeping him company in the living room bc my mom and older sister did not want to hang out with him. He would always play the victim and make me feel guilty. When me or my sister would argue with my mom, he would always interrupt to make my sister scream at him. This way he would become the center of attention, saying that nobody respected him, that we treated him like sh!t, that no one’s listened to him… Two years ago during a argument he screamed at me to stop acting like the head of the household. That hit me really hard. Since then I started reflecting on all the things he did to my mom, my sister and me and it took me nearly 2 years to realise what a disgusting narcissist he was.

[@kartreenahhplop]

Oh my god it’s a slow realisation of this and it’s actually rather scary..

[@sharroon7574]

When I needed sympathy, it was " oh you poor soul" heavy in sarcasm.

[@טליהאטדגי-ה8ס]

I just realised my dad is a a covert narcissist. He honestly do everything that been said in the video. I used to be daddy’s girl all my life. He use to tell me as a child he fight with my mother for me and because of me. He always play the victim and need us to agree with everything he says because he has “more life experience for us” He always disappoint with every choice me and my sisters/brother do. If we do something he doesn’t want us to do he will talk about forever. He never take accountability, blame me, my mom or sisters/brother on everything but he always perfect. How could I not see it before?????

[@jmcg1708]

I'm nearly 40 and just now figuring this out myself. My husband is an LPC counselor and told me yrs ago. I think your dad is a narcissist, but at the time, there wasn't much information on the covert kind. He was never physically abusive, so I couldn't identify him as your standard narcissist. My sister and I are completely NC. this will be the best holiday season because I don't have to deal with my toxic father.

[@raabbibi]

I realized my father wasn't as empathic as I thought him to be when I finally stood up to my mother for all the abuse she put me through, and he told me it never happened. I was his confident. He would tell me all the times how hard it was for him being with my mother, how he was foing it for us, how he understood and we should be strong. In hindsight, I realize now that he was only emotiona when he was talking about HIS pain. Mine barely registered. And, I thought it was because of work, because he had too much on his plate. Truly, how could he know how bad it was and not do anything at all ? That night, it hits me then like a sucker punch, a flash of clarity. He didn't do anything because he never cared. I was just a convenient way for him to vent his feelings, and get sympathy. As for me and my own pain, he told me I was pathetic (because I "let myself" be hurt by my mother), a liar and that he was disappointed. And, I realized I never had a supportive parent to begin with, just a different sort of abuser.

[@ML-ku9bn]

My father exactly, and he was also incestuous. Outside of the house he spent his whole life waiting on people to praise and compliment him

[@iamaliveyoucantstopnow]

Covert narcissists hide their abuse very well. It is so subtle. The shaming face my father does is enough to obliterate my self esteem. No contact is the only solution.

[@brianvent3043]

That shaming face is so powerful , I get so mad when he does that after I tell him how good my life is

[@sharonyoung4386]

My narcissistic ex gives purposefully bad advice to our adult kids, he'd rather see them fail than become more successful than he is

[@ST30809]

“I wish you never born” was his default. Talk about being blamed for HIS actions.

[@Bob123Max]

Oh Yes, I had one - it took until I was 18 to walk out of his life. Within the family his opinions and decisions were not to be questioned. He believed he had every disease under the sun. Can you imagine a dad eating chocolate biscuits in front of this child saying "I dont have many treats, so I cant share with you" when I was forbidden treats myself. "I'm always the bastard" he complained when others would not applaud his dreadful decisions. Too bad there isn't a place for these people to go in the afterlife as many believe. So sad to read all the comments below. It makes we want to weep.

[@anne-marie6098]

Ouch! This is very painful to listen to. My covert, narcissist ex-boyfriend’s dad is everything listed. Tragic….why Narcissism runs in families

[@lukuma79]

My husband of 20 years, his dirty minded exploitative daddy is described to the T here..

[@anasevi9456]

My dad is a covert covert narcissist. He is a very humble person surface level and has never bragged about anything, can admit he made mistakes if its money or time that cost him;... But he pretty much treated me as if I deserved zero agency and only existed to live the life as he deemed fit, threatened to disown me if I didnt go to a university 'good enough for a future engineer or doctor'.... And is the kind of person to get into a gunfight with police before ever admitting they were an A-hole to their family. Some narcissistic people have very anti-narcissistic traits, but their inner grandiosity and entitlement is always betrayed with how they treat their kids, more so when the kids are entering adulthood.

[@vashti2389]

This was my father for 42 years ( he died last August). And my husband for 19 years (we're separated). I don't want anymore. 😔

[@jaspreetamatharu3438]

💔 I wish you deep healing and lots of love and care in life.

[@Irongaint]

My father acted out all these different personalities, put on so many different masks, at the end of our relationship he literally felt like a stranger to me, the same way you see a stranger on the street. I didnt know him at all.

[@jodizellmer994]

This describes my father perfectly. He was never physically abusive, however he did have a very short temper, and would holler over the smallest things. Even if you asked a simple question. If you disagreed with him about anything he would accuse you of thinking he's stupid and didn't know what he was talking about. Also used guilt trips because his wants and needs were most important. His favorite one until he passed away was to make me feel guilty for not giving him grandchildren. Then as he got older he would use his poor health to gain sympathy. Was always the type who would never go to the doctor, so what could have been a minor issue became more serious, or a full blown emergency. When I used to live at home my mother would always vent and cry to me, because my father would always cause her so much stress.

[@dynamicbree]

Omg this is SPOT. ON. And so helpful. I’m 35, the oldest of 7, and am just learning that my dad is a covert narcissist (explaining why his daughters have married narcissists and suffered so much because of it).

[@SilentUnknown720]

My Dad would tell me stories about him in the streets of Chicago growing up and these stories made me believe in a very negative way of acting twords people who disrespected me as a teenager. I would proudly tell my Dad about me being violent twords someone who disrespected me and I'd be shut down as if I was a punk and not like him. That was always his thing to say "Your not like me". I realized I was fighting a lot to try and gain my Dad's respect and approval. And no matter what he's always gonna need to feel superior and I don't need his approval now as a grown man.

[@strawberysnaple]

I love the way he’s looking at the camera like “sounds familiar?”

[@frozenstrawberry15]

Wow. You just explained my dad in perfect detail (even though I’m pretty sure you’ve never met him.) 🤯 This really helped clear up my confusion because he was VERY attentive and fun until I hit puberty.

[@crystaldawn9255]

People need to be careful because sometimes there are people in this world who are bullied by the whole world

[@mirellalarsen6883]

Yes but they don’t become narcissistic. They fight stronger and don’t give up. They don’t blame others

[@AA-cb7dz]

Your emotions and needs are used as a trade for them to take advantage of you.

[@jeremiahalexander5513]

My dad is always injuring himself in stupid ways to illicit sympathy from people. He has a wrist injury, apparently, that he has never treated and he does this thing in public or at family gatherings where whenever he has to use that arm to eat or write or whatever, he has to hold his wrist with the other hand. It’s past the point of annoying.

[@doristorresphd]

Thank you for this very relatable info. 🙏

[@TheAileZX2]

Jerry Wise said something that stopped me in my "poor me type" narc shield (We deal with narcissists, then we learn from narcissists, then we react like narcissists.) Most narcissists..... have grown a scab wound over their "wait for validation" early in childhood. Perhaps they were grounded too much. Perhaps their childlike demeanor annoyed them. And number of ways, during a very receptive time in your brain, something happens that makes you default to victimhood. You're in BIG TROUBLE, EVERYONE! etc. It had been very persistent and almost systematic within people. I think that, if you have narcissism, you're numb. And if you're numb, you're going to have to make compromises.

[@tims9434]

Thank you for your information. Very useful as always ❤

[@IzabelaWaniek-i1x]

Spot on. Exactly the case. You have described it all. Thank you Darren.

[@eaglesfan3k]

This described my dad perfectly!

[@SGTXSAVAGE]

I love my dad with all my heart, but he’s definitely got a hand full of these traits. Im realizing it more and more everyday. The thing is, he’s not conscious of it whatsoever, it’s just how he is… it’s very hard to navigate🤦

[@ginaiosef]

Right! Mine was definitely a grandiose one! I am so grateful to keep learning. Thank you for your videos, Darren! ❤ Helpful and informative as always!

[@ciaraluke2053]

This is so relatable! And has given me so much clarification. Thank you.

[@missautonomy8510]

this is exactly my dad. And I am so over it. I just don't care anymore. leaving home is not an option ( we have a special circusmtances so I can't😥), so what I do, I disconnect from him, I just avoid talking, meeting and interacting with him. I'm so done fr. Not to mention his SISTERS ughhhh. Always complaining, controlling and demanding or everything. Back when I was younger I am hurt and easily affected by them, but as I grew older, and become more knowledgeable of Narcissists, I've come to the point of "nope, not today and never again". His conversations are almost always repetitive about his parents, his sisters and their family. I've also stopped trying to understand him, its never gonna happen. I've also stopped looking for love from him, he only loves himself. I stopped looking for validation from him, its just crazy. Everything has to be about him and only him and I'm done with that. And to add to the story I have a special child sibling, so him being all self-centered when he has a special child he needs to care for is tiring. He doesn't even know what his responsibilities in the family are. He micromanage every little single detail its driving me nuts

[@sonja0707]

💯 FACTS SPOT ON I AM LIVING WITH A MAN WHO WILL NOT LEAVE ME FIR 16 YEARS HAS ALL THESE TENDENCIES AND HE CANT SEE IT. IM DRAINED AND I AM TIRED😢😢😢😢

[@Mari-rx4]

leave him then

[@niccooper7007]

Ive been wondering if my dad is a covert and yeah, he aligns with majority of this list. I'm on SSDI and him paying for things for me gives him this grandiose good guy sense, so it makes all his other actions or inactions "ok." While he couldn't even tell me what I studied in college, what my life goals were, or really anything about me except "she's sick." Talking to him is like talking to a brick wall until he decides to randomly explode and threaten violence, if not just threaten. Then gaslights like that's all untrue. I wish I could get away but I'm also in the midst of leaving my covert narc partner and nowhere else to go. (Being on SSDI in the USA is awful. You'll never be financially independent. It's either live in my car with my cats or keep trying to live at a distance in his home.) I'll be happy one day, again, I think. At least now I know why I kept "finding" narcissistic partners and that I can change it. I know the flags now. It prob will take years but I WILL have some sort of non-narc partner in my life. I WILL find someone of mature enough EQ and stop following the footsteps of dad.

[@getalife88854]

Wait this sounds like my mom too…. 😢 but definitely my father, he is aggressive. The “nothing I ever do is right” is my mother… ugh the blame shifting 🥴

[@ignaciaugarte4711]

Omg this is so accurate, can you do a covert narcissist male with alcohol ?

[@ledbesa1]

Wow. This is my dad. How is this possible that you could describe someone you don’t know to a T. I lived through and am living through all of this right now. Thank God I live in another state as him.

[@samanthaheiskell1940]

Can I just show this video to my covert narcissist of a father and be like this is you? lol. This is literally him in every way. The manipulation, the passive aggressiveness and the constant telling one of my brothers or I that he likes one of us better than the rest because we did what he wanted. It’s so disgusting and exhausting.

[@diannsweet2469]

Samantha,if you haven’t already, don’t show him. You will not like the backlash. Instead, dear, May I suggest you and your brother read a powerful book called “It’s Not You” by Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a NYT bestselling author and clinical psychologist who has for decades specialized in Narcissism. This book is on Amazon. From someone who is aware and cares. Blessings!

[@QuincyJP]

Thankyou darren for this, i cant tell you how much i needed to hear that. Godspeed

[@zachscully]

“So when the kids want him, they need him [covert narcissist parent], he has his own projects, his own worries, he has other responsibilities and not much time. (Even if he is just watching television.)” More and more familiar from parents in more recent years; such as them needing to do something before would get back to me - for 1/2 a year! And latest, too busy reply to a quick text from me (that they told me they ‘know’ is toxic, while admitting, years and sometimes even decades later, when pressed that they either mistook past positive letters as personal attacks, never read them, and/or deleted them!) - for well over 1/2 a year now and counting! I guess my repeated attempts to praise them, comfort their emotions, check in, educate, dialogue, get to respectful interactions, etc. for over a decade are leading to a de-facto No Contact that I didn’t seek, but might just be what I’ve needed all my life.

[@SimoneJassmann-jr5bl]

Thank you well said thanks for the video

[@beingpallavi3272]

I am still struggling with my thoughts. He asked me to live like a boy & bear all family responsibilities. Why? I am a girl. Edit- & yes, he never allowed me to get married. He wanted me to serve only him. May I get some suggestions!

[@VilleGardian]

That's terrible! I also felt like i wasn't allowed to be girly or feminine in my childhood.

[@ChrisCzarnecki]

This describes my dad perfectly

[@lifeisshort.stopwastingyou9600]

I hear that line every time I speak: "(you're supposed to honor your parents) you've dishonored me" - no matter how polite or patient i've tried to be... for him, dishonoring him simply means telling the truth! Just read the story of shrm, ham, and japeth for a biblical version of dishonoring one's father, sheesh! ..since that commandment comes from the bibe.

[@TC-gx3qn]

This sounds awful. Thank you for another eye opening video, Darren.

[@Kirstylou1111]

I’m hoping this video can open my sons eyes to his father’s behaviour

[@mikesmith6594]

You're video could be definitely describing my father . He goes from both overt to covert in his manipulation !

[@Mrch33ky]

Too Busy. That describes my parents then and now.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Mine expects me to be at his beck and call, while he wastes my time, with no explanation or apology. Yes, he did something nice, but I had to wait twice as long. He doesn't like complaints. Tough crap for him!

[@doriannemosich232]

Thank you Darren, your factual kindness is, very helpful & lifesaving information. Are we missing how the narcissistic father left everyone in fear, especially the wife our mom? Our mom was exceptionally different gifted in design and intelligence, as told to me by a therapist back in high school "say it your dad is an a-hole your mom works 3 jobs to avoid him." Divorce wasn't prevelant in the 70's . Can this all be culturally induced? What are the best solutions for love & relationships in a narcissistic world?

[@koolbeans8292]

At age 59, and 19 years as a Dr. of chiropractic I got this last email from my mother. She typed to me, "we are not resentful but we think you have become so arrogant since you got that "piece of paper. You think you are so much better than the rest of the kids. Referring to my Doctors degree in Chiropractic.

[@vaughnlewis1953]

Thank you

[@akai.christo]

Thank you. 🙏

[@Portia620]

The word respect is used too!!!! If you don’t do as they wish your disrespectful to these narcs

[@Alexdelarge1975]

Recently I realized what makes my father's behavior peculiar and odd. He seems to only be able to look at himself from a third-person perspective. It's as if he can only see his own behavior through the eyes of someone else, from the outside. Based on that, he creates these 'stories' that tell him who he is and how should behave. Typically, these stories are very superficial and moralizing (right/wrong). He also uses these stories to understand other people. If something doesn't match his stories, it doesn't exist for him either. In a way the people in his life are reduced to stories in head. It's like he has no self. Ask him why he behaves a certain way. You get a vague, evasive response like: 'That's what you're supposed to do as a father'. The stories in his head tell him what he should do, but there is no why.

[@HoneyBadger80886]

I've been referring to your DARVO method while exposing his theft and manipulation and coercive abuse. But what prevents the Judge from saying the same of me??

[@camoflash7621]

nothing will prevent him from saying the same of you. just remember you can't win against a narcissist. sometimes it's easier just to walk away if at all possible.

[@ThePriam3]

⁠sometimes it is best to walk away-if you can… but You can win a case against them- most of them are dumb, or lack basic common sense… if you document, get affidavits, keep a detailed timeline, get in counseling, put the kids in counseling, talk to the kids teachers regularly, reach out to the domestic violence organizations in your area to see if they have resources for individuals who have been emotionally abuse, use those things as tools to document your journey and experience. You have to stack evidence against them to prove a pattern of behaviors. You have to paint the picture to the court…You cannot just accuse them of being a narc or use terms like DARVO…you really need to have outside 3rd parties who can corroborate- friends, family, neighbors… anyone who has ever seen heard or witnessed anything abusive or neglectful get them to write an affidavit on your behalf.. anyone who has seen you have good character have them write an affidavit for you also…you need to know the right terminology like saying you’ve been “reactive” or saying that you’ve “ perceived” things differently. Don’t hurl direct accusations Most important stay calm because once the narc starts getting exposed, they will react and if you are calm the judge will be able to visibly see what’s going on.. good luck!

[@Typaradox_FPV]

All this hits home

[@user_f1]

Yeah… ticks p much all boxes… i believe him when he says he wants the best for us, but that doesn't rly change the effects of his behavioiur… Especially "Control Disguised as Care" … when I confronted him w that and named specific situations when he did this, he said it's a misunderstanding and he just wanted to help me. So confusing! Suddenly I questioned myself and whether I'm overreacting and he really is nothing wrong with him. For example, years ago when I told him about a yoga training that I was doing and his only reaction pretty much was that he can't offer me a job for that at his gym… as if all I do must serve him or be connected to him - he doesn't at all understand how this undermines my own sense of identity and motivation to pursue MY OWN path… I think he subconsciously wants to keep us close to him and not really develop ourselves - all out of wanting to keep us safe?! And then later on complains about our lack of independence. Any time I told him about sth I'm interested in doing it's either "why do you wanna do that, you can't make any money that way", or make it about himself.

[@FlatStella1]

Oh yea,my daddy.

[@Leafygreen123]

Mine as well.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Dad is one of extreme thinking. His way or the highway, insufferable!

[@siddharthp2407]

Mine too!! 😢

[@monaj33]

❤Thank you

[@roifberthyijixuifuubgbv4cr655]

That was my "father"100%. . When I called him out on a lot of abuse that he watched and did not protect me from he pretty much cursed me out and I said that's not how a father behaves and I pointed out how I could have been seriously injured from one of his acquaintances I said by no means are you a father if you're going to side with the perpetrator and he cursed me out and s. He died a few months after I was never told when he died by my mother or my sister who also played almost like a surrogate wife a friend told me he died but I wasn't invited to his funeral I didn't go to his funeral. I always remember him being there physically but never there mentally spiritually or even emotionally growing up. . A He created the the worst sibling rivalry. Even though he was a convicted felon for money laundering he blamed it on everyone else and he left behind a legacy to have the whole family just hate me. Bob in Philadelphia

[@jacquelinefroehle5868]

Great information and thank you !! Could you please do a Video on a Psychopathic Dad....because the Ex I divorced seemed to have more Psychopathic traits...teaching the kids to lie, steal, do harm to me....each time I was catching him in Lying. He did pathological lying. He also taught the kids to do something to your mother....that you know will upset her....then blame her for being upset....that means you get to do whatever you want, and blame it on her. Now we have a 38 yrs old daughter and a 41 yrs old Son....She is More Covert like her Dad....She is also her Dad's perfect Golden Child. Our Son is move Overt....and the EX and daughter devalue and degrade the Son....he does not do FakeNice and FakeCharming like they do. And they all devalue and degrade me....Parental Alienation Syndrome...and they NEED me for their Scapegoat. Anything good I do in my life...for myself ....Infuriates them, and they work on destroying my life b undermining me and labeling me. They gaslight, triangulate, all of the Red Flags.

[@Monotronikmusic]

Even lying and making false statement to make one feel as if they are incorrect.

[@charlotterichardson5222]

This actually sounds like my older brother, and in order to feel like a grown up had to treat me like a child, he two years older than me. A lot of the ways these behaviours are described are just like his

[@reneeyounk9663]

Whoa... My dad did disinherit me while telling me it was all taken care of so I had NO CLUE it was coming

[@MagdaleneDivine]

Yes. Thats my father. With his overt malignant narcissistic wife, my mother.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Dad was abusive to Mom, verbally, probably physically, sexually, financially, emotionally. She divorced his sorry ass over 50 years ago. He still hasn't forgiven her, and took it out on me, I look, think and act like her. His attitude:his problem!

[@MagdaleneDivine]

@@jackilynpyzocha662 yeah my dad didn't do that. He was a career military man. 40 years both the navy and Coast guard. He told me I was pretty and smart and honestly my Mom was a good mom to little kids. I miss that mom. I'm sorry you didn't get a great childhood. I did and it's The only reason I'm ok now. My mom has early dementia. It's turned her mean. But I'm sorry you didn't have a good daddy. It can make relationships difficult your whole life.

[@IzabelaWaniek-i1x]

Painfully true. 😢

[@beebs72332]

Could you do a video on the sociopath mother/father?

[@MM-nh8ez]

Yes, please do this. And/or sibling. It’s similar to narcissism but with extra extremes.

[@levity90]

Sadly my father. People should understand this is not dond consciously. But you sre still absolutely responsible for your behavior and actions especially when it has been brought to your attention. You have a responsibility to everyone around you to self assess and adjust your behavior.

[@trutheretic]

for years he called me crazy and all this bullshit it wasn't until I met my partner thst she opened my eyes to the bigger picture...

[@jennreeder9237]

If you look into any office space my father has ever had, the walls are covered with photos, awards, plaques, etc displaying his military career, but never a picture of any family. We simply don't exist to him.

[@varadvithalkj1716]

"When i say jump , all you must say is how high" what is this

[@abdullahikamaalhassan1122]

This is soo true in my case

[@Shortgirlproblems3791]

Mine is this and abusive walking on egshells etc ..especially with me he broke my spirit years ago 😢 But he also kept me from having friends only my sister could have friends (she was the good one because she didn't rebel thankfully we are close after years of being apart and then talking to eachother ..also didn't help undiagnosed adhd it was the 80s so I just didnt have a chance in hell we moved to a lot of different schools I have a memory (one of many) where on those rare days i was actually playing and not cleaning house(i had a step mom she loved it because we were "trained" ) It was not the act of spanking i was in 6 th grade he did far worse so i got bullied at home and school 💀 So in front of everyone outside he pulls my pants down bare ass and all 😮😢 i and he wonders why at 50 i cant function in the world i kept him from abusing my sisters including lying 😢it was worth it tho step mom knew she just didnt care 😮 Right now just being in my own place and trying to heal 😢

[@douglasbubbletrousers7343]

I asked my dad if he would take a personality test for me. He didn't want to take it because it costs $10. My dad never paid child support when I was growing up until one day the Government forced him to.

[@elainewalkden1723]

This sounds sadly familiar

[@garrimic3]

I watch things like this just to see myself and if I have any of these characteristics. I personally believe my ex wife is a covert narcissist but why not also make sure I am healthy.

[@mariegumpel4955]

So sorry there are fathers out there who exist..

[@mollyislovely]

So how do we beat the “system” ? Or help them?

[@rulaj1]

you can't help them..just move around them carefully and with awareness..