Collapsed Covert Narcissist: Indifferent Doormat, No Boundaries

[@missta1820]

I would rather be without an intimate partner than be with a Narcissist. I will choose to be alone rather than waste my time with the likes of a Narcissist.

[@petekdemircioglu]

Yes. Sunk cost.

[@joypmor3374]

Save your sanity.

[@runamuck316]

You can find a mentally sound soul mate. Look for them!

[@zabf8732]

It's not easy. They can suck you in, in a very sophisticated way

[@eye-leenlove]

Facts! These fantastical creatures are a waste of time. Ewwww! Once you realize the truth that’s when wanting to vomit aka purge every cell in my body!

[@illuminate5]

In the end, I was bored shitless by a covert narc. Once I'd figured out the patterns and underlying issue, it was so dull, so predictable.

[@meg708]

Same

[@bebedulce9986]

I find people who highly get bored by others to be narcissistic because if you have a core you don't place it upon others to entertain you 🧐🚩🚩

[@lizedbf7334]

My covert narcissist changes into a grandiose narcissist as soon as he drinks a few glasses of beer. When he keeps on drinking he changes again to a very dangerous malignant narcissist. So i have seen these three personalities on a regular basis. I finally managed to escape him and it's a enourmous relief

[@alisonhobley5209]

Same. He's been gone 30 years now and thanks to Prof Vaknin I finally have some understanding of all the mess

[@RamonaUrueta-g6j]

This people don't drink are sober psychopaths

[@ImpulsoCreativo9322]

The more I learn, the crazier they seem.

[@catalystcomet]

Yeah we are, it's caused by cruelty so I see thanks to the apathy and persecution of those in the comments section that there will be no shortage in the future. I'm so grateful to the professor here, you are aware he is a narcissist correct? We were abused. I'm here because I'm trying to heal myself. You're here throwing stones. I might be crazy but at least I'm trying to not be cruel.

[@melissataylor7063]

@@catalystcomet🙏🙌

[@sabrinastanley6723]

Thank you for taking the time to explain their ability to oscillate between personalities. I experienced these “episodes” twice with my ex. Your videos, I have provided me with the knowledge needed to have a better understanding of his mental state and helped to accept that there is no use in trying to salvage a relationship that was never real.

[@venusrising6554]

After years of passive/ submissive behavior, it was a total shock to watch the covert Narcissist explode and descend into serious Mental illness. Your description of the trip into madness and the resulting destruction to others around them is eerily accurate. The church going passive mouse suddenly lied, manipulated, abused and attempted to destroy their unsuspecting family . The collapsed covert hid this very well. It was a complete shock. And it was terrifying. The only protection is recognition, documentation & exposure of the behavior as necessary. And no contact. Thank you for this very important description & explanation of these conditions & behavior .

[@levimahaffey2608]

Yeah once a covert narc realizes you know what they are about the crazy they kept hidden comes out in full. You realize that your dealing with a completely broken individual they become completely unhinged.

[@jelkel25]

It's not much fun when they loose it as a parent and start giving you the portions of food you had as a 7/8 year old (on the same plates too) as a 14/15 year old and locking up the food. My siblings and myself got damn thin that year, not even the golden child escaped that round of insanity. Luckily a few friends parents noticed and would find excuses to feed us that didn't send the narc parent into apoplexies. After that year I got myself a job and left that house as soon as possible.

[@elizabethkelsey8087]

I’m glad to have found your comment because this is exactly what I witnessed with my ex. He was for 14 years somewhat a timid, people pleaser who always found a way to sabotage himself or to find others to sabotage him. Then one day, the years of doing that seemed to catch up on him and the switch from being a ‘doormat’ narcissist to overt, angry lying narcissist was terrifying. Even how he talked sounded different. He ended up doing insanely cruel things, one of which was illegal. That was during the ‘devalue and discard’ phase when nothing mattered to him but himself and the girl he was cheating on me with. The change in his personality was honestly terrifying. He’s now apparently being taken advantage of by the girl and her family so he seems to be back in covert narc land.

[@Liz-zx9cx]

We still love you, Sam.

[@Liz-zx9cx]

You need to find yourself a very kind woman. You deserve it.

[@louisecassidy5991]

Since beginning my study of narcissism on YT I have been consistently fed by this platform. Finally the best and deepest and most qualified has turned up. Thank you. There seem to be an awful lot of narcissists about, although I have not had the displeasure of partnering with one, because at the first sign, all my long life, of difficulties, I managed to absent myself.

[@wendyhamilton2826]

Well done, congratulations

[@deborahdtw]

I agree completely. After over 60 years of living with toxicity of various individuals, I agree with you completely. At one point I even thought it was multiple personalities when the switching occurred. But then I would see where the switch and/or supply that created the switch, came from.

[@juliestewart3042]

Before I knew my ex was a narcissist, I could only describe his behaviour as a ‘personality transplant’. “I just want my husband back” I used to cry! Now it all makes sense, it made no sense back then

[@FeralCatSanctuary]

Thank you for giving so much of yourself to help me understand who the narcissist is. I have listened to many of your videos, but this one particularly helped me. My mother (now deceased) is a narcissist. It took my whole life to understand what happened to me and why. In my damaged state I have embarrassed myself while lashing out in a public way and now have withdrawn to be alone. It will not surprise you to learn that I spent my life seeking one narcissist after another to replicate what my mother did. You have helped so much. Thank you.

[@alicewonderland8027]

Totally relate. Same here. And now how are you?

[@annbethchinchillo9192]

I experienced this with my 13 year bf. This is such a brilliant explanation. He is so mentally ill. Thank you for this Sam.

[@leahboynton1280]

This could cause reactive abuse from their victims. If the person you are having conflict with or is not engaging within your emotions on any level would build up a high level of frustration. This reactive abuse further proves to the narcissist that you are below them which produces supply.

[@samvaknin]

Quite a few vids about this on this channel.

[@tomhill31]

Sam, completely agree with your claim about being both covert and overt. My ex partner switched from being covert to overt overnight. Once she moved out of our family home with our 2 year old child. It seemed that because she was at a distance and she had posession of something I wanted (my son), she became almost omnipotent and forthright in her demands, previously she was more insidious and passive. It was astonishing to see the complete change in personality!

[@carolinekamya2339]

Seen it in my mother and sister - so sad - but when you understand what is going on - you move out and move on - no contact is key

[@Sonder0077]

My father was an overt narc. My mother a covert narc. When my father left us my mother became overt. She would become covert at her job and overt at home.

[@klsconnor7315]

Conor Maynard, you are already ahead of the game. You are only 16, but you're aware of what is happening. Good luck. Doesn't sound like you need it, lol.

[@d.w.7114]

My mother would be covert at work and in social situations, and overt at home, also. Even as a child, I knew there was something wrong with her behavior.

[@KamalAzzouzi]

you are not alone ✌️

[@sunitarane1983]

Professor Vaknin, thank you.

[@soloecho3074]

Brilliantly framed and refined analysis by Professor Vaknin.

[@DaughterofDiogenes]

Oh man. I was so nervous because I have AuDHD and am married to a covert narc. I find myself acting in petty ways and was worried I was becoming a narc, but I don’t have any of the feelings of grandiosity or entitlement. I will lose my temper and go lock myself upstairs but it’s to do grounding exercises so I don’t have a panic attack. I don’t smash anything or scream. I have am in the process of unmasking and I am taking inventory of my beliefs and who I want to be. I know I want to be free of him and I’m finally okay with harder happens once we separate.

[@MarkRyanNZ]

This is interesting. When I evaluate my previous relationships with two narcissists, I did see them oscillating between an overt and covert personality.

[@bonbon-fj4nr]

it ain't rocket science

[@georgyfournadjiev3040]

I can say the same thing. lol

[@RahaRo11]

Dear sir, this is the story of my life. Scary .

[@philima]

I wrote down at least 6 personalities which my narc presented. It's super scary. He had one side that I was sure could've been the death of me. Showed up in the very end, just before I got the courage to leave. Terrible times. Scared out of my mind.

[@robertsimmons2025]

There is so much information about the narcissistic personality disorder. But I still feel the need to get answers. Im not looking for the thing I already know but to get rid of this tragedy that she did to me for over 7 years. The information im getting is devastating only because of the information sounds like its all ok for the narcissist to do what they want to do to you at any given time. In witch gives me reactive behavior. Had I known my relationship with my narcissist would end up being discarded I would have never gotten into the relationship to begin with. My heart led me to believe that she was my true love and honesty. But I was living a lie. And so are we all. So how do we get past our trauma bonded relationship. Im still trying to understand what happened. And watching these videos on narcissistic personality disorder DOES NOT give the narcissist a green light to just do what they want to do. Because ITS NOT OK. Yes. Exposing them about cheating or lying hurts them. Because they know what they are doing is so very WRONG. But continue to do what they want to do. I know i (You )cant change them. But to change myself. The way i think. The way i feel. My thoughts. Can I ever let another woman in my life. Do I trust them. Yes I know i need to heal my heart and my life before i can think about someone else in my life. Maybe I’ll just get a Dog. That is UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. God bless you all and prayers for you all. May peace be with you.

[@GusZiliotto]

remember they never feel truly happy, also, take everything you lived as an experience. Learn to have boundaries and put yourself first. You wont understand what happened cus it doesnt make much sense really, dont even bother Become a better and tougher person and cherish that

[@mikyclaude]

@@GusZiliotto what a nice way to put it out !🙏👏

[@wendyhamilton2826]

Yes, definitely just get a dog, but maybe get two dogs so they have a companion of their own type also.

[@His.Heart.]

This is so true, all of it.. when me and my husband are out at grocery store , no alcohol,he is covert he doesn’t care who I’m talking too or what is going on but if we plan a night out and he is drinking he is very protective of me... I see and understand this now..Thank you

[@doveflyer1636]

I’m not relieved. I miss him…..struggling to remain NC

[@mikyclaude]

Same here 😢

[@gmod8033]

I'm sure you've heard it before you don't miss them. Just the shared fantasy

[@nancyfeke9585]

When they switch....I believe, through my own experience of being the the primary intimate partner, I have been left with feeling crazy. Maybe they were right....I'm the crazy one. I ruminate and ruminate...to where I am making myself crazy just wondering if I am crazy... So....I am listening to Your Videos...I'm making sense of it all, little by little, every single day. What I have experienced is true. I had the inner strength to leave....all done by myself....slow, exact planning while living with the mean, devaluation of the Narc Husband. When I think of it....4 mths later....I was/am pretty damn strong...not too bad for a 'Crazy' person

[@claudiatrejos8229]

This is a tortured existance. Today you answered the question I have been asking myself for a year... and YES! I DID THE RIGHT THING!.

[@grahamsmith3141]

I really value your experience and expertise.

[@thomashearty667]

Nice lecture. One thing I don't understand is how the narcissist can be both self aware and delusional. It seems that their self awareness is limited if they are delusional.

[@samvaknin]

Watch the vids about shared fantasy.

[@hummingbird2438]

Excellent information, once again, thank you!

[@romanianreaper2]

This was one issue I was struggling to understand, with overt/covert being "this" OR "that". I was thinking about this the other day and it was bothering me so much that I was going to ask about it. This makes so much sense because in my situation, I have seen both in the same person.

[@nancyfeke9585]

Yes!!!! I as well.

[@billstrain8816]

Thanks for helping me understand what had happened to me. My adventure was short - six months. It was very disarming and costly, however short. I was lucky as compared to many others, but not any less hurtful. Now, $2000 + down and better educated to go on with my life. But I realize others have endured much more.

[@RealWorldReport]

Thank you for explaining the dual personality.

[@razasyeda6054]

I actually called out my ex fiancé narc on having a split personality. I still remember his face.

[@RealWorldReport]

@@thomas-ud1fs Just had the pleasure of letting one that's been stalking me for 8 months on-line know I knew and that I had all the proof of what he'd been doing. Screen shots, etc. and that I was going to send a video showing everything to everyone he knew including his wife/job, etc. Worked like a charm. Stalker-B-Gone.

[@SB-su5tv]

Brilliant, Sam! Thank you

[@lisalisa13green]

This makes so much sense. The duality of personalities is very scary/confusing and I can completely see how NPD could fall under DID. Fascinating.

[@mornicaakumu1513]

Very much true

[@tarheelcountry1868]

DID?

[@EmmaSees888]

@@tarheelcountry1868 Dissociative Identity Disorder

[@jessedaub6482]

This is a realization I made too during my healing! Still am. He also had psychogenic seizures. He would completely dissociate during these episodes. I thought it was DID, then NPD. NPd is a precursor to DID in my opinion. If left untreated, and if the trauma to continue, multiple personalities (aka narcissistic masks and false identity) will become even more defined and strengthened. I have stories for days with my ex. It was very sad actually and caused me a lot of grief. ❤be well I hope you got out and recovered!!!

[@jessedaub6482]

The seizures are a form of conversion disorder; which Sam talks about here as being a main trait of this covert / overt type. Literally what was happening with my ex is that his NPD got so bad, his brain literally figured out a way to adapt to narcissistic collapse through a physical manifestation (checking out during the seizure). When he woke up his brain had reset and he didn’t remember the rage he just unleashed. It’s scary how accurate this is extremely dark haha. I got pulled into rabbit holes for a long time. But it’s all very real. Sam Vaknin if you’re reading this you should absolutely study this man, it is fascinating.

[@sophiediscobarre944]

Incredible video. Sam you really helped me heal but now inspire me to study. My ex will be reduced to a case study. Fascinating subject.

[@ilonacechova8803]

Thank you Sam...You are describing my exhusband...Covert-pretending interest,hidden agenda,dual personality-the switching between I am bad-inferior and in 5min I am the best-grandiosity...When I by chance pulled his mask down and uncovered his second world..he came out as a psychopath...I was scared on one side and very angry at the other...angry at the black hole I was looking in...And yes quick NC was the only solution...

[@jessedaub6482]

Thank you writing this makes me feel not so alone. They are sick, captive in their disorder, depraved and cursed. Sad but true. Especially this type, they have no idea who they are, the mind an enigma to their own selves .

[@honeybees3760]

Thank you for your insight Prof Vaknin. You give us so much information on illness, could you discuss about normal personalities, so that we can compare to what is sickness and wha tis normal, because millions of experts keeps talking about illnesses but no one talks about what is normal compare to illnesses, we are confused at the present moment if we are to work with so many therapist to help young people to understand what is normal compare to sickness. Many thanks!

[@Aliceinchains606]

The self reporting was something that made me feel nervous and anxious all the time during the day, I never understood why, until I discovered also that after being so sweet on text messages, he would go suspicious and stop the frecuency of the msgs as if he would be busy for some hours

[@ageckomiller]

Is it treatable, manageable, reversible? This is my wife of 27 years. I've studied her for 2 years now. She's been misdiagnosed with BPD, Schizoid, narcissist. This is the only thing that addresses EVERY. SINGLE. THING. I'm not ready to quit on her.

[@KarhuLP]

How would the collapsed version of a person with Avoidant PD look like ?

[@user-ge6uo2ry2b]

I love listening to you describe the minutiae of these disorders. How would you classify a man initially painfully shy yet totally self absorbed with humorless, flat emotion who switches into a tender, doting (still shy) sexual partner with sexual obsession? Back to flat, contemptuous judgement, almost schizoid outside physical intimacy. Time passes, he becomes comfortable showing a true antagonistic, uncooperative nature to the point of remorselessly endangering her life while vacillating between fiercely defending relationship exclusivity and insistence she find someone who can attend to her emotional needs; ‘you can do better than me’, ‘let’s just move’ on then back to exclusivity and shaming the woman for looking towards greener pastures?

[@nandanapalchowdhury4588]

Sounds exactly like my ex

[@jessedaub6482]

I think we need to form a support group for DID / NPD subtypes forreal. This is what it sounds like. Loss of memory, dissociation, very real.

[@lisathompson6890]

😊😊😊

[@nancyfeke9585]

I agree. I have lived with one. Left my mind in a mess. No logic. I could never predict who or what was going to show up next. He doesn't have multiple personality issues....as in having different names for each character. This person that walked around in human skin...I couldn't pin down. I walked on egg shells awaiting for the next critter that showed up

[@maryfrances1307]

He behaved that way purposefully to keep you as you were, walking on eggshells.

[@jalisianikole]

Maybe this is why my ex is misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder.

[@jalisianikole]

@@hopek7033 very much so !

[@AfterAFashionASMR]

Thank you for all your videos. They are helping me a lot.

[@autex2609]

As I'm sure you are aware, there are some VERY popular youtube channels that talk about this topic. I would personally love if you called them out by name and give examples of their complete BS. I fell for them when I first started this journey of understanding some family dynamics. They truly are doing a disservice and at worst it's dangerous.

[@ManicReceiver]

Who are you referring to?

[@kangarookids7497]

This is fascinating. I believe strong, coherent families can do alot to ameliorate these mental illnesses. One female narcissist I know, had to raise herself, because her mother worked. She was a "latchkey kid". I have heard that some highschools are now offering classes in human development. Obviously a huge subject, but worth attempting.

[@jllennon3047]

I definitely don’t need it or him. Withstood him and it for 33 years. No contact since July 2019. Getting close to being divorced now after a two year process, which commenced when he switched from being overt to covert. Very interesting insight into how and why the switching phenomenon occurs.

[@farahk7254]

Thank you for such an enlightening information, that I have witnessed first hand with my ex. I recently left with no contact. It was a short lived relationship because I noticed exactly what you have described in this video. My question is: How can one identify the narcissist’s base type overt/covert, when the switch happens so very often, very quick and to an extreme? Even several times in one day/night? It was very confusing for me to identify him as a narcissist due to this switch in extremes, where even his facial features would change, as he switched from one to the other. The only way I can describe the switch in facial features and posture, of a 40 years old man; is from “Denis the Menace” to Picasso’s “The Old Guitarist”, literally.

[@thetuckinlady]

In my experience, I have seen my immature and abusive parents switch between overt and covert narcissism, depending on which toxic parent was dominant in the family at the time. I was the golden child for my narcissistic father and a scapegoat for my uBPD mother. Her scapegoating and gradual domination in the family made my father control his overt narcissistic tendencies, which he already did with me, but I got a taste of it from time to time, which left me in disbelief and immense confusion. My father needed the family to idealize him, and my uBPD mother's idealization and devaluation served just that. She also coerced everyone in the family to adopt the inaccurate labels she put on each member of the family. He seemed like a more stable parent, and I believed he was a safe parent. When he was physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive to the members of the family, I didn't see most of it and rationalized the physical abuse as 'what he had learned from his upbringing, and that he was immature and needed to know better.' I took on the role of an adult child, setting boundaries around his behaviour, protecting people in the family from his physical abuse, being a confidant to him, and 'protecting him from my mother.' I thought the physical abuse ceasing after I set boundaries with him meant that he could be a better person if only urged on to do so. He just went from overt to covert, and I kept seeing it and still coping with confusion and disbelief until I couldn't anymore.

[@stoneys84]

Bloody Hell! As someone that knows that I definitely have narcissistic traits, this is the most depressing video I have ever watched. I have definitely experienced mortification, and I would say that I have definitely oscillated between overt and covert states, with the covert states being much shorter than the overt. However, I'd also like to think that I am not all that grandiose; boy, do I know and accept that I have many imperfections and infallibilities. However, I definitely don't have this sadist or psychopathic component that Sam refers to. I empathise, and I have real love for my loved ones. I wouldn't want to harm those that I love. Even my enemies, I don't particularly wish harm on them. I don't like them, I might not wish them success, but I don't wish any ill-health or tragedy upon them. I accept that I have narcissistic traits, but I am not a sadist!

[@sharingyourexperiences5305]

Same here

[@patriciagriffin1505]

In either state the narcissist has no empathy..if u do maybe you're neither of these

[@mizorovichprahaschkapalan2144]

Blablabla

[@jessedaub6482]

Maybe bpd but doesn’t matter ! If you have this self awareness you can overcome, manage, you’ll be just fine ❤

[@mdjulker9]

Excellent.....i observed my wife switching from covert to overt phase

[@vickimartens8960]

I now realize that I was being tested for my fidelity when my narc went to lay down 'with a headache' (his favorite alibi for antisocial behavior, when the social expectation is NOT isolating ie at a party important to ME, hosting guests) when an old church friend was visiting his apartment from out of state. Projecting what I felt should have been HIS shame onto myself for HIS lack of hospitality for HIS guest, I conversed with his guest for 2-1/2 hours seated at the dinette table, with no flirting, intimate or inappropriate conversation between us. When he finally emerged from his bedroom, he probably expected to see me with his friend on the living room carpet flagrante delicto. SURPRISE! I didn't. And never even considered such an idea with ANYONE!

[@vickimartens8960]

When I first walked into his apartment that evening, I wondered why there was this other man there. He introduced us and then claimed to have a headache and ghosted us. With the way his sexual perversion was emerging, I was almost surprised when he went to bed with a headache --- rather than initiating a threesome! I never wanted such a thing and would have left immediately had he suggested it. I really didn't trust him anymore to do the right thing in any case.

[@katrox0]

What about the poor narcissist?? She/he is so very hurt all along And sees nothing! 😢 This pains me greatly Sam!

[@albaal2138]

Sam im suffering so much because my narcissism has made me unable to function,i wastedy youth and opportunities because my health problems made me collapse and all i could focus was some grandiouse return of myself in my previous state,sorrounded by the best supply. Help me tell me something. Tonight i feel like killing myself 😢😢😢

[@judycrockett5357]

Outstanding information.

[@babiryewinnifred2079]

This is really educational.

[@sheilatdemelo]

very enlightening, thank you

[@petekdemircioglu]

Yes. Record everything: expose, than hide.

[@maxeadon2021]

I have taken everything from the world i need while living in virtual isolation. The loss is terrifying, for now, but i hope to find someone later in life to watch the sunsets with. The golf course is my victim. I will ripe takeaways apart, leaving behind only the plastic tubs ! THE TUBS !!

[@zipnails]

Yes, I have seen this happen before my eyes.

[@deirdre5940]

I will attest to your claim that the covert narcissist does pass through all of these phases you explain in your narcissist video teachings. I found myself involved with someone intimately that has elements of his being and behavior just as you describe. It is uncanny how accurate you are. Your previous videos on multiple personalities is also right on. I witnessed this and it scared me. He was never overly violent with me but as his intimate partner I always felt I was replaceable and that he always had two other women besides me he had some level of intimacy with. He also displayed the passive aggressive behaviors and always kept me at arms length. I was not fully invited into his private life (i.e. adult children and so on). His phone was also very telling. He would always take the phone out of the car when he pumped gas and kept the phone on turned over in my presence if he was not on it while we were having dinner. In any event I have gone no contact and hope to be committed to this. He probably has not even noticed I am gone (lol). Thank you for helping us not think we are the crazy one. This person is another one to add to your data base.

[@amam-qq5jc]

My husband!!! Caught him cheating last week after a traumatic miscarriage a few weeks ago - he abandoned me and started a new relationship behind my back and now I’m forgotten about and a burden. Your description is exactly how he was and how I felt

[@Raphael0654]

In other videos there's talk of narcissists decompensating/collapsing into a Borderline or even full-on psychotic state. Are there any addendums that could be made to tie that stuff into the content of this video? I'm curious how these things potentially harmonize &/or diverge into case A vs. case B, etc., forms of collapse, perhaps.

[@r4tgl]

Having dated 2 of them and given a good portion of my life to 1 of them, my layman's suggestion would be to cut your losses and run. There is no pot of gold under that rainbow. There's no happy ending. Optimism and patience cannot make it so. Good luck, invest in yourself first.

[@r4tgl]

I also find it interesting in most of these videos women are portrayed as wanton loose people. Always going after other men. There are MANY women that don't behave recklessly sexually when their beta male stops sleeping with them. They wait and hope it improves or they leave, they don't always cheat.

[@dawndemarinis7978]

I've been married for 13 years to a naracist. I'm just learning about it mostly from youit's quite overwhelming the accuracy of your expertise. i went through a 6 year waiting period while he was in prison where i still remained loyal in every way, half of the time I was not married to him yet which was effortless for me as I guess like you mentioned ..partial to the narc, even though we have lived separately for the past 18 months, I'm still loyal to him/relationship, and havent been able to ever consider being with another man. I realize that this maybe an extreme version,and I may have my own issues but I am now through help here starting to understand things which is enlightening me to make some changes in order to live more fulfilling.

[@leon3000222]

professor vaknin, can you do a video on the narcissist/sosiopath/psychopath and strong psychedelic drugs (lsd/ayahuasca)? If IT can be to any help for THEM or if IT just will make THEM more traumatised

[@snackysneaks]

Yes please.

[@kurpalm0n966]

leon Miftari: Been there, done that. The psychedelics bring a lot of awareness, which causes all sorts of things. Of course it is very painful to realize that one is a person with cluster-B personality disorder. However, I would still say it is helpful and useful in many ways. The world kinda opens wide with the possibilities, that might also bring about a limbo of indecisiveness, in whether to 1) try to heal and be one of the "good guys" (this can also be self-deceiving, if intent is not strong enough) or 2) keep on doing the "dark deeds" and honing the craft even further I would also be happy to hear what Mr. Vaknin thinks about this subject.

[@steviej3112]

Hi Dr. V. - apologies for the question not being related to the video...but in your experience do you find actual Highly Sensitive Persons tend to cluster towards a particular vocational field/industry? Do you see a relatively high % of under/unemployment due to the lack of boundaries, neuroses, etc? Any response much appreciated.

[@samvaknin]

There are no studies made regarding these issues. There should be, though.

[@LC-qi5ff]

Arguably, npd is worse than DID because there is no true self to integrate with the false self to produce a whole, balanced personality….whereas a DID person has a chance of integrating all of the alters to arrive at a whole person. How accurate or inaccurate is this?

[@samvaknin]

I agree.

[@bv459]

I admire his honesty.

[@carolinegraystone9308]

this is all sad but true

[@KarmicEye]

Professor Vaknin thankyou for your brilliant and enlightening material... Might I be so bold as to postulate that the statistics on whether or not a new date is a Narcissist or Psychopath is not the population average... instead a concentrated version simply because more of their relationships end in breakup. Seemed that way to me during Internet dating.

[@betsycho.b5473]

Hi Sam, yes I truly see the psychopathy in these individuals, I have first hand experience and you are very right, basically they I have no self and they mirror and suck the emotions of others... Only the brave and crazy stay with npdisordered individuals, it is truly alarming to know these individuals have no identity at all.... And will stop at no end to morph into any identity to get whaaat they want, everyone is instrumental to them

[@gerardolopez2575]

“Loving an unloveable person” wow I remember one night before we got together, my covert narc ex and I were having some drinks and she flat out said that she believes she’s unloveable

[@cjgem80]

Wow. I have to comment again bc this hits so close to home. My ex had multiple children by multiple women. (Lots of people have asked why I got with him in the first place but at the time I looked at it like someone who had made a lot of bad decisions in his past and had grown up and matured which was something I could relate to) But yes, to follow up on some of your points, he had a 23 yr old son and a 15 yr old son and seemed to think there was some type of attraction between me and his sons. Sometimes his young kids would make strange comments about this I'm convinced he told them to say. (5 yr old daughter once said she thought i slept in the room with her brother the previous night when i had actually went home late that night) . He never said anything to me about this directly. Before we were officially a 'couple' he would tell me stories about various women he knew that he wanted to sleep with but they never gave in. He would say how he would do favors and give advice to these women like that somehow made him entitled to have sex with them. I always felt this unease that I was somehow less then a person, that I was never good enough despite giving my all to him and his children. I felt like he wanted to strip away any self esteem I had. When the mother of one of his daughters would come over, I felt like he was trying to pit us against one another. He did not seem to acknowledge his past decisions were the reason of his current difficult circumstances. It was always 'woe is me', everyone treated 'me' so terribly.. After the breakup he went onto his Facebook and proceeded to call me names and act like I was a horrible person. I wrote him a long, scathing text afterwards and blocked his number. He wrote on Facebook the next day complaining I sent him a long text which he did not read. (I don't believe that for a minute. This man had saved ALL his texts and would show me conversations from years ago) In short, he seemed to think he was God's gift to the world. In fact, he was loathsome, self-serving, and passive aggressive.

[@summerjupitervalentine4008]

Phenomenal 💫

[@BlueSunBeam]

Prof. Vaknin, Thank you.

[@cjgem80]

Interesting. My ex (covert) went to prison for some time. He said his ex falsely claimed that he tried to hit her with his car. He told me he lost his confidence afterwards knowing that he was locked up for something he did not do. I sometimes wonder if he was an overt prior to his prison sentence 🤔 He also expressed to me that he did not feel as confident since he's gotten older and his looks were fading

[@evka24]

he wont go to prison if he tried to hit her with car...he had to hit her to go to prison...make sure u know the truth

[@Julie-md3og]

Hello can you direct me to the video about narcissist fathers particularly relating to their daughters

[@samvaknin]

Search for videos about father and about daddy issues.

[@ellen8847]

This makes sense of my personal experiences with narcs. They change depending on what's happening, where they are or who they are with. My mother for instance was overt in her home, domineering, openly nasty, cruel to my ailing father. But outside the home it was like she lost some of her power, and she appeared better behaved, now more passive-aggressive so if she was challenged, she could deny any intent to hurt. When she was with her sisters, she was better behaved still, appeared the kind one, allowing herself to be the victim of their narcissism. Then she would draw on this victimhood for sympathy. I felt outraged on her behalf a lot of times, felt compelled to take "her side" and was protective of her. I believe this is one of the many reasons she got away with the harm that she herself caused. I'm now NC with her. I never knew which mother I was going to get when I contacted her.

[@DebbieLee-dr3hr]

This was my mother. It was during the last year that the narcissist tendencies became obvious . Mom 's passive aggression has become transparent, her nasty side revealed to its core. I was fed up enough not to offer up one bit of supply. Then came the collapse. The realization that her sickness has such a hold on her. But, I'm done being her garbage dump.

[@robincastleberry8361]

I have been following you for 3 years. I have been in a relationship on and off for 5 years with what I think is covert narcissist. I was not sure until tonight. In the video i watched I took notes and then reassessed them. It was a lot of information. And yes there are a lot of people on this channel that have no where the knowledge that you have on this subject. It was like you were describing exactly the person I have in my life to a T. The last month has been very difficult, to the point that he has asked me to make an appointment with a therapist for us, but I know it is for him. I am in Georgia. When i called for an appointment I requested a therapist that works with possible NPD clients. I hope his is able to understand more, he knows he is sick. His father was very much an issue for him and his siblings, verbal and mental abuse. Thank you for putting out this information. Be blessed.

[@TaniaBristow]

This is brilliant ❤

[@genevascott3452]

My xhusband was overt an covert. Depending on his situation. An who he was dealing with.

[@traxikscifi8105]

That was very helpfull, thank you very much!

[@DebNKY]

Can CPTSD cause an otherwise healthy individual to appear "narcissistic," even on an MMPI? Just asking for a friend, thank you.

[@whoaretheyhiding798]

CPTSD is often misdiagnosed as BPD

[@5thHouse]

I gotta be honest, I'd rather see comments in the tone of self confessed narcissists discussing their narcissism than victims of narcissists who don't recognize that they've been turned in to one as a result, just using this platform as an opportunity to blameshift instead of self-reflecting.

[@lauraf.e2788]

Lol. Normals can't be randomly turned into a narcissist. Thank god.

[@glenyshill72]

Perhaps they can sometimes (to a certain extent ?) as a coping and survival strategy ?. I.e. trying it on for size, fighting fire with fire, maybe as a kind of learned behaviour ?

[@sludgerat444]

​@glenyshill72 Who knows their tactics better than the victims, right? But it still feels nasty to use their tricks.

[@beccablahblahblahbiddyblah5953]

Dr Vaknin, can a narcissist remain faithful to his intimate partner in a long distance relationship?

[@samvaknin]

Yes. Watch my videos about stability.

[@JohnJohn-km6fs]

Only during "golden period" ?

[@maslizamuhammad5275]

and the GOLDEN PERIOD is whereeee u FALL IN LOVE with the FACADE(not the real person = the narcissist)..u need to research/read more aboutttttt NARCISSM..there is noooooo such thing as HONESTY and LOYALTY with any type of NARCS..they LIE and CHEAT all the timeeee in order to get their FUEL/SUPPLY..because for u to fall in loveeeee with them is NEVER REAL and will NEVER BE REAL..its all part of their MANIPULATION(THE LOVE BOMB IS THE EQUAL TO GOLDEN PERIOD..groomming u to be their FUEL/SUPPLY..) im sharing with u because im the SURVIVOR OF THE COVERT NARCISSIST..😊

[@misscat6375]

very interesting, thankyou 👌

[@watchtower1014]

i'm so sad

[@gayberg2062]

very good report.

[@dawn6232]

Can a narcissist live for decades in a collapsed state?

[@samvaknin]

No.

[@dawn6232]

Sam Vaknin thank you

[@bridgetbeckert762]

@@samvaknin what do u mean by they can't live in this state? What happens 😳🤔

[@justinekelly7137]

Hi Professor Sam, you mention a questionnaire for the purpose of your study, for those that have witnessed switching… please, is there some way I could download this questionnaire or somehow access it, as I was married 26 years and my former husband showed very, very strong traits of covert narcissism …I would dearly love to be able to share my experience and contribute to your data collection…

[@danielabatalha17]

Esses ensinos são verdades em tudo que diz respeito ao narcisista. Fala de características verdadeiras de pessoas com o transtorno, quem conviveu com um sabe que o que esse prof fala é real.

[@cjgem80]

Is it possible for someone with ocd disorder to use lovebombing? I dated a guy and I don't think he was a narc but he seemed to be ocd. Anyway, he love bombed me from the beginning, hard-core. More so than the narcs I've dated. I guess its possible he could have been a narc and I wasn't around long enough to see it, but he definitely had ocd behaviors

[@jango-z]

Does covert narcissist stalk or comeback? He moved on rather quick and asked me to be his friend but after no contact for sometime that if he decides to come back he will be just friends. And see if it develops than it develops. What did he exactly do?

[@samvaknin]

Covert narcissists are narcissists and engage in all the typical behaviors of narcissists.

[@jango-z]

@@samvaknin it was strange I guess either I am not understanding this. We were having toxic relationship dated for 6 months. Broke off then got back as friends and he would check on me every time always wanted space and of course it was hard for me to do this, but I did and he wud contact to ask if I was ok. He care so believed he did genuinely care about me. I have lashed out and out of heat I told him to move on and I will too I didn’t mean it. This was cause he tried to get intimate with me and I confirmed of this fwb, I am not Interested to which he responded nothing it then said I would like us to work out. And the next saw him on dating app. Confronted (bad move). and then there was a barrage of back and forth he lashed out at me like he never did before. At the point I knew he didn’t want anything to do with me all the blame and everything. I helped him out a lot in different ways especially emotionally. cause when we started dating he had no job. Shares a room with friends and he is 44 and I am well established career own place etc. so I helped me get a job. And he got it. And so he was on dating apps. This hurt me the most as this happened to me before when I helped my ex before this one they got a career thanks to me and then moved on to gf apparently I was not good looking enough And all that. So this hurt me the most that he did the same thing to me. Yes he was aware of this story of mine in the past. I called the work place stupid of me, but I had to check and they told me that he decided not to take the job. Technically he is a looser but I would like him or anyone to be uplifted and make something out of themselves. As myself. he decided to meet me and gave me a closure He said at this time we r not working out. Let me have My space, I brought up he was seeing someone. Etc. he kept denying and said he is not looking for a relationship he needs to sort his life out. I knew better, I have left him as he wanted to. But why wud he say that we have to kill feelings for each other and then build friendship and if it happens it happens. He basically gave me the soft landing right? And he will never return? The reason I looked into ur videos cause of what u describe as covert narc. He fits well everything u say is true about him. He is negative, no confidence. No nothing and it hurts him. Specially that he is 44. he is happy Sam with the new woman in his life. I am recovering but secretly waiting. What is wrong with me? Ur videos are great help. I want him to Hoover once atleast but I have a feeling he never will. I would love him to stalk me et. Maybe I am not normal. Can you please put my mind to rest one this. Thank you. Ur a big shot. Ur reply would mean a lot.

[@dianevanderlinden3480]

@@jango-z you are trauma bonded. Check out some videos on that. I also dated a guy who always had a bunch of roommates and could never get his act together. A local bar that he hangs out at gave him a job. What’s odd is the owner is kind of exploiting him, working him like crazy. But saying he works at this bar gives him some kind of local celebrity, for in his world working at this bar has status. A normal job was beneath him. He just turned 40. He also meets a lot of women now, so he’s more or less disappeared. I think though he may be going through a collapsed state as he is in people-pleasing mode. When he wakes up from that it will be interesting.

[@yaicherabah2652]

Thanks Doc

[@jessicas8199]

If the process of mortification is a two way bridge between classic and covert is it possible that it’s a bridge between failed and borderline, and onward to recovery, that must be willingly crossed? In other words, does a narcissist who has become aware now face the mortifying task of knowingly acting out unsavory behaviors as they dismantle their false selves in order to recover? Could borderline personality disorder include narcissists experiencing personal growth by going “backwards”?

[@samvaknin]

Watch the videos on cold therapy.

[@EEIJ]

Dr. Sam can two covert narcissist get in a love relationship?

[@samvaknin]

Yes, but it won't be stable and won't last long samvak.tripod.com/faq60.html

[@EEIJ]

Sam Vaknin thanks so much

[@JamesAndersonOwlnAcorn]

Thank you for all your videos and the information. Would you allow me access to you're questioner?

[@samvaknin]

Only if your diagnostician confirms to me that you are diagnosed with NPD.

[@richellec.1291]

I’m looking for that study published and reading it. Please let us know. I actually agree with your first claim.

[@samvaknin]

You agree with my FIRST claim? I am honored and relieved! I was worried out of my mind that you might not agree with me!

[@richellec.1291]

Dr. Vaknin .... I like learning. But I see your point. It’s a lot of material. Thanks for teaching all of us.

[@catinthehat1486]

@@samvaknin😂😂

[@alishamthiel]

I'm a data mining agent. Your DB is exciting!

[@kassia_k]

I have just been diagnosed with NPD (covert). How can I be included in this database?

[@samvaknin]

You need to forward to me a letter from your diagnostician which confirms that you have been diagnosed ONLY with NPD (no comorbidity). I will then send you a consent and release form and the questionnaire. My email is: [e-mail]

[@Bellasun670]

I agree 💯

[@miriamevans5200]

If you are a woman caught up with a narcissist, could you fall in love with another man to avoid retaliation from the narcissist.? Would that be a safer escape? I am so sorry , I have feeling I can deny, I have to go. Its easier than faking your own death.

[@samvaknin]

Do your homework and search this channel.

[@Adam-ih9yy]

Just leave you wont regretted,... narcissist don't care about anyone till the end.